Modern Wisdom - #303 - Chrissie Mayr - All The Big Mistakes Women Make

Episode Date: April 3, 2021

Chrissie Mayr is a comedian and a podcaster. A lot of success in life can be achieved by simply avoiding failure. I wanted to bring Chrissie on to discuss all the lessons she'd give her younger self from her years of dating, family life, career prospects and oestrogen in general. Expect to learn why no one under 60 years old should write relationship advice columns, why "you deserve it all" is a dangerous ideology, the biggest challenges Chrissie sees women facing in their careers, how to stop being single, why dating multiple men to learn the same lesson is a waste of time and much more... Sponsors: Get perfect teeth 70% cheaper than other invisible aligners from DW Aligners at http://dwaligners.co.uk/modernwisdom  Get over 37% discount on all products site-wide from MyProtein at http://bit.ly/modernwisdom (use code: MODERNWISDOM) Extra Stuff: Follow Chrissie on Twitter - https://twitter.com/ChrissieMayr Check out Chrissie's Website - https://www.chrissiemayr.com/  Get my free Ultimate Life Hacks List to 10x your daily productivity → https://chriswillx.com/lifehacks/ To support me on Patreon (thank you): https://www.patreon.com/modernwisdom - Get in touch. Join the discussion with me and other like minded listeners in the episode comments on the MW YouTube Channel or message me... Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/ModernWisdomPodcast Email: https://www.chriswillx.com/contact Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi friends, welcome back. My guest today is Chrissy Mayer. She's a comedian and a podcaster and we're talking about how to avoid all of the mistakes that women make. A lot of success in life can be achieved by simply avoiding failure. I wanted to bring Chrissy on to discuss all of the lessons that she'd give her younger self from years of dating, family life, career prospects, and estrogen in general. So today, expect to learn why no one under 60 years old should write relationship advice

columns, why you deserve it all is a dangerous ideology. The biggest challenges Chrissy sees women facing in their careers, how to stop being single, why dating multiple men to learn the same lesson is a waste of time, and much more. Basically, I always like giving lessons from people who've been through the ringer of life and come out the other side with some interesting insights. Sadly, being sans of a jynna, my ability to give girls advice on how to live their lives is fairly limited. But I think there's an awful lot to take away from today if you're a guy, certainly in terms of understanding how girls' minds work. So yeah, maybe today can save some failing relationships and advance some careers, or

at the same time. Also a little announcement, the Jordan Peterson episode, which was originally going out this Monday, has been delayed by one week. He's a busy guy with a busy schedule, that's been pushed back but it will be out Monday the 11th of May. It's been a very very long time coming and if you don't want to miss that you need to make sure you've hit the subscribe button so that you are notified whenever an episode goes live. But now it's time to learn about the mistakes that girls make with Chrissy Mayer. Chrissy May, I'll come in the show.

Thanks for having me. Have you managed to get dog poo off your shoe? Yeah, you know, it's starting to be springtime here in New York and part of that means going around the yard and picking up poops and throwing them over the fence. Why is that only a springtime thing? What happens in winter? Well, what happens in winter is they get covered in the snow and then when the snow melts,

like all the poop superior, like, ah, that's kind of what's been happening here in New York. You're like, damn, somebody had a busy winter and then you like say it to the dog and you're like, yeah. I was walking, I went on a little walk earlier on. This is like a weird thing that people who love dogs but don't have a dog do. So whenever someone that's coming towards me

on the street is walking a dog on a leash, I won't make eye contact at all with the other person because this is my 15 seconds of dog attention for like potentially for the day, you know, if I have a bad walk and I don't pick up many dogs, so I just, but I wonder what they must think of me, because I'm just this psychopath walking past staring at their dog, like longingly staring at their dog, because I love dogs because they're awesome.

And, um, yeah, I just wonder, I wonder if it would to people out. Uh, it actually makes me feel really good to hear that you do exactly what I do. I could not care less about the owner. Like, exactly. Like, I, I, I hoard as much dog time as possible. Like, I almost think like, you know, like, and when I was in New York City more, like, there'd be dog walkers and then you'd be like, jackpot, you know, I like, I will cross a street just to meet a dog.

And then like, I'm like, what would be like the next level thing that like the dog just could, I think if you just laid down, that would be the thing the dog, like, what would be like the next level thing that like the dog just could, I think if you just laid down, that would be the thing the dog like could not avoid. At that point, it's like the dog is gonna jump on you. So the humans, the humans just there to facilitate you looking at a dog basically. Yeah. And I walk, actually, it's like my boyfriend's mom's dog, but I feel like we're like close. Like I was there the day she came home.

So I feel like, I don't know, we're like we're close buds. If when people just go up to muffin, I don't take it as a personal offense. I'm just like, no, she's super f and cute. Like of course. Muffin. Muffin. She likes to come in during my podcast recordings and then she'll sort of like put her

paws up on me and like look, but then sometimes while doing that, she'll kick out my internet cord. Fantastic. Which is less cute when you have like a really high profile guess. I'm like, oh, shit. And then you got to plug it back in. Can I curse? I've been cursing.

Curse away, curse away. I want to talk about all of the common mistakes that women make when they're growing up and how to deal with them. Do you think you are you qualified for this? I'm very qualified. I have made almost all of the mistakes. So yeah, I think I'm definitely qualified to talk about mistakes in my 20-something odd years of life. No, it's like you don't really know

until you become 37. Now I can confidently look back and be like, oh yeah, like if I had a younger sister or niece or something, just a girl and her late teens early 20s, I'd be like sit down. All right, take out a notebook. All right, so where'd you wanna start? What's first?

Oh, there's so much. And that's the thing is to start with it's, maybe it's part of the, I don't know if it's like this in the UK, but it's definitely part of American culture to like fully blame women or fully blame men. It seems like the easy cop out thing that you see folks doing is like, like women love to say, oh, all men are stupid or just totally group overly grouping people, like overly grouping the sexes, like, oh, men are dumb, all men do this.

And then it's easy for guys who aren't having a lot to be like women are crazy. There's no chance. It's too much. It's too difficult. And that's what it is. You have to keep going out there despite getting hurt. It's like, yeah, that's also life. I think it's just in the last couple decades we've glamorized as a culture,

the lack of hard work. And I think that kind of bleeds over to relationships, our jobs, our goals, how we live our lives. It's like, I think we need to just make, in general, hard work, cool again. And I've had versions of this conversation with so many people, but when it comes to relationships, yeah, I can only observe what messages I've absorbed as a woman, and usually a lot of young women

will go for their sources of advice or information, like magazines, or for me, I know magazines were big growing up, or like, now it's kind of all of this is mixed online, so it's like our magazines, our news, our apps is all kind of in this online world. And that's where we go for advice because we don't want to talk to our parents, our parents aren't cool.

Maybe we don't have older siblings like, or maybe our parents aren't, like my parents weren't in a healthy relationship. They stayed together, but they didn't like, they weren't like from what I could observe. They didn't like each other, they weren't kind to each other. And on one side, it was great because I developed my sense of humor from there, kind of like sarcastic, constant back, constantly roasting and undercutting each other. And so that was good for like developing my sense of humor, but for developing my sense

of like, what should I look for in a partner? It was shit. And you know, a lot of times like, like as women, yeah, we'll seek out like, oh, magazines are advice from, now it's like apps and all these articles. And that is so not the place to go

because there's so much bad advice in these like consumerist spaces. And I think so much of that is online and it just seems so easy to go for everything online because that's like our whole world is just in our pocket and we're looking, we're checking it 50 times a day. And that was like a big thing I learned from you, actually Chris, the last time we did a show together, I've started charging my phone outside the room.

I'm like, good night phone, then I go into my room and I shut the door and I feel like free. I'm like, free last. It doesn't know that I'm in here. They can't get me while the phone's upside. That's such an interesting point about girls and role models because we hear a lot about guys don't have the role models that they need at the moment. The Jordan Peterson movement was this kind of father to a million men, so to speak. We don't actually hear that about girls, but you're saying that young girls are also a little bit

or can be a bit directionless without role models, too. It's just in our nature to be, I don't want to speak for all women, but I think a lot of women have this people pleasing gene. I think it's what makes us good friends, good mothers, good listeners, good nurturers. It's like your strengths and your weaknesses are always kind of together, right? And we could go off on like what they are for men too, but there's something kind of uniquely female about people pleasing and like we're perceptive, we can figure out what people

want and give it to them without even having them to act like without they're asking. And I think women are like, well, and I can definitely speak for myself like I would expect that in my relationships. And that's, that's what's coming up for me a lot in my current relationship because we've been together six years and I still struggle with this like, well, I can read his mind, I think, like, what can't he read mine? And that covers everything from like, what I want to eat to sexually. You know what I mean? And I go, well, I figured your shit out.

Like, you know, that's to get too graphic, but I'm pretty good. Yeah. get too graphic, but I'm pretty good. You know? Yeah, it's a, I think that you're right. The agreeableness that girls have is so pervasive. Like it's crazy. When I think to some, the levels of disagreeableness that my most disagreeable girl friends are, like, in fact, I would put it out there that Michaela Peterson is the most disagreeable girl that are. Like, in fact, I would put it out there

that Michaela Peterson is the most disagreeable girl that I've ever met in my life. And I'm like, I'm like, she was on my podcast too, and I was amazed. I was like, of course you're Jordan Peterson's daughter. Like, look at you. You're just like, you're such a bad bitch. And you're like, just don't apologize.

I don't know why, I guess, because my mom was very, I think it's helpful to look at your mom, because you're gonna absorb, I think more from your mother than you do from your father. It's interesting. If I had a really great father that was talking to me all the time

and giving a shit about my feelings, I think that would have manifested in the way of, maybe I would have had a better picker in terms of guys. And I think that's how that fucked with me. But my mom is my example. Like I was, you're almost like it's a default, like it's your template for your behaviors, I think. And I never saw my mom like really stand up for herself.

Like my dad didn't like beat my mom. But like he definitely was like not super nice to her and the way he would talk to her and just made her feel bad a lot from what I could pick up on and like they always fought about money and my dad would say stuff to my things to my mom like, oh, like the kids are messy. It's all your fault because you didn't teach them to do chores. Like he was so and he these are boomers, right? And so you got to if I'm going to throw them a bone, like they are kind of imprinted with this thinking of like, oh, like my dad very much thought he could he handled the outside work and outside the house was for a man and inside work, the kids happen

to be inside the house. Well, so that's a mom's responsibility. But it's interesting because now that my mom's passed away and we just have dad, it's almost, and I like, now it's like, I don't, I can easily go a month without talking to him. And now I'll kind of talk to him. And I'm good. Like, I figured out my business. I like, through a combination of like therapy

and having the right people around me challenging me. It's I've kind of filled in my own gaps and I'm good. But when I talk on the phone to my dad, he'll say things like, you know, just like call me if you ever need advice or you ever. And it's like, I feel like he's kind of pawing. It's something and it's not to be cruel. It's like, yeah, I'm good dad. You know what I mean?

Like it's almost like he's going for something that he hasn good dad. You know what I mean? Like it's almost like he's going for something that he hasn't built. You know what I mean? Like, with the other thing as well is, there's this weird point that everybody gets to both guys and girls, where your parents stop being the teachers and stop being the students. There isn't a single person listening that hasn't had to

teach their mom and dad how to unlock the iPad or to use internet banking or to order something from Amazon or do or whatever like yeah everybody's had to do that and there's some point where the wisdom direction gets reversed and you're now teaching your parents and this is probably being exacerbated because our parents generation and our generation are so different. All of the rules that they used to play the game by now they no longer work. It's not about a job for life. It's not about hard work and seniority will get you through the end. It's about like understanding networking and communication skills online and stuff like that. These are skills that have only come about since we've been here. How could they have ever learned them? And then yeah, it is when the power dynamic switches. And there is a little bit of guilt. I can kind

of get what you mean there that you almost feel like not patronizing, but like a sense of obligation to still let the parent feel the respect. Like you don't want them to now feel like the child. You're like, look, I still need to, like you say, throw them a bone, so to speak. Yeah, it's odd. It's so weird when that happens. I don't know when it happens. I think it's about sort of early 20s, 25 maybe. It is odd, and there's such a difference between the, like, of course, I'll show my parents

or somebody older, like my boyfriend's parents, like a tech thing. And sometimes there are boomers or slightly younger boomers who are better at it, they take it upon themselves to learn these new skills. And it's like, I don't mind showing someone the same like technical thing over and over again, but I think my unique thing with my dad is like, you didn't put time in into developing a relationship

with me like throughout my whole life, because that was always mom's job. Like, you know, always when you call, call mom, or mom calls you, like my mom would be like, oh, how's this thing? How's that thing? Even if she didn't like understand or know about, like the intricacies of like my goals or comedy

or whatever she would ask about them. And then it would just be like, pass the phone to dad. Dad would kind of check in, but really like mom was like holding it down. A lot of moms are like this, pass the phone to dad. Dad would kind of check in, but really like mom was like holding a lot of moms or like this. Moms are like the glue. And dad is just like, okay, how's your car? All right, bye.

You know, but now that the glue is gone, it's a little sad because my dad is just like, oh, if you ever need anything, it's like, no, I don't because I've learned to go my whole life without needing you for emotional support or and then I would kind of pride myself because I've learned to go my whole life without needing you for emotional support. Or, and then I would kind of pride myself on growing to not need his financial support,

but that could be a whole other podcast. But the point is it's interesting because what I was imprinted with from my dad was a little bit like, I did kind of grow up to be a little bit afraid of men because he would spank, you know, like, and that's what a lot of baby boomers would do is like you get in trouble and I would just For some reason test him all the time and then I got to college and I became like a dumb woke liberal

And I would irritate him even more, you know like fighting with him about the homeless, you know Like shit that didn't really matter to my life. I just had to fight with them on everything. And I would piss him off constantly. But he would lose his temper. And then sometimes he would spank. And so that imprinted me the rest of my life being kind of afraid of men and definitely afraid to challenge men. And if there was a time, even if a guy I was dating

or a male boss would even raise their voice or even start to feel like they weren't pleased with me, it would trigger that whatever in me that like not this feeling like you're about to get hit. But like it's just like you learn this when you go to therapy, like what you're sort of what your inner child or what your child self develops like out of survival and how it affects you as you grow up. So that was that's been my challenge as an adult, like okay, even if even if you disagree with a male authority figure or your boyfriend, like that doesn't mean like shrink, shrivel, pullback, be easy, be a people, be okay with whatever, be like whatever you want. Or, oh, it's not worth it. Or like, it's not worth the fight. It's not worth the conflict.

It's not worth the argument. And pulling away from like having a different opinion does not equal. This is an argument. This is a conflict. This is something to shy away from. Because if you do that enough, you lose yourself in a relationship. It's like, if, and when this comes to a boyfriend, you're actually like robbing that guy, the opportunity to truly know you because if you're just endlessly so easy about everything

to food, to the TV, and there's some things I genuinely don't care about. Like I'm less into TV. I'll be like, I'll read a book while my boyfriend's writing and watching TV or whatever. But if you're easy in the ways that you actually have feelings and preferences about, then you're doing yourself a huge disservice. You're not letting the person know your true self, and you're also training yourself to just and know your true self, and you're also training yourself to just not speak up in a sense. I don't know if that makes... Absolutely.

I mean, you can bury yourself under so many personas that you genuinely don't know who you are anymore, but you can paint so many layers of vanilla over the top that you kind of, you can't crack through it to get to the other side. And speaking from personal experience, the girls who've been the most agreeable, the ones that I've been dating that have been the most agreeable are the ones I've got bored of the quickest. Because it's kind of not, it's like dating nothing. It's like, wow.

I'm not actually dating a thing here. I'm just dating this like time delay mirror, like a shit zoom connection of what I want. Like what should we watch tonight? Oh, well, you can choose choose where should we go for dinner to know where you can choose. And even if you choose something you're okay with that yeah i'm okay with that is i just fucking push back like just give me something here because. One of the things that we want from people i think if you come from a growth minded and everyone that's listening is in this, they go get as their people that want to enjoy life and experience things and improve themselves.

If you have that growth mindset, one of the worst things that you can do is to not allow the other person to grow by learning from pushing back against them, but because they're just, they're never going to feel like you have any more layers. They're like, okay, so you're telling me that basically everything I found out about you within the first couple of weeks of knowing you,

that's all that there is to know. Because every time that I say a thing, you just fold over like a limp napkin. And then it's just me, this relationship's basically me with some dancer. And yeah, it's like you're driving it and the woman's like in a side car. It's like rather than there's, I mean,

a thing of a good relationship is really a car with two steering wheels, you know? And like yeah, you could take your hands off the wheel because the other person will steer. But like yeah, you don't want to be in the side car with just you've given up your wheel. And you know what's, and it's so easy for me to just like go with the flow and be like, yeah, you don't want to be in the side car with just you've given up your wheel and you know what's and and it's so easy for me to just like go with the flow and be like, you pick. Because there's oftentimes I don't care where we eat. Oftentimes I don't care what we watch.

But it's I if you're a person who's struggling with that and you're so used to whatever you want a good place to start is with what you don't want. Like if it's good to practice this, like my boyfriend would be like, what do you wanna eat? And I'll genuinely think, well what do I definitely not want? Like I definitely don't want pizza. I definitely don't want anything like bready or curvy. And I definitely don't want sushi

because we had that last night. And then that can be an easier way to, because if you're not someone who's used to constantly, because I always would equate it with being a demanding chick. And I would always be I always would equate it with being a demanding chick. And I would always be like, well, you don't want to be a demanding chick. Guys don't like a nag.

And then that got so deep into my psyche that I just wouldn't ask for anything because I didn't want to be like a demanding nag. But to hear you say, like, yeah, you're so, a woman can be so not a challenge that you lose interest. You're like, oh no, like, I don't, you don't want that either.

That fucking sucks. Yeah, it's difficult. It really is like you don't want, as with everything, the messy middle, like somewhere, some nice little balance of it all, like you want enough pushback, but then I've also dated girls who've been so disagreeable that every, these tend to be the more sort

of intellectual ones, but like every conversation has to be justified, it ends up with a debate. Like about, I watched this thing and it was really interesting about that. And then there's a 30 minute discussion about, and I'm like, look, I just fucking watched a thing. I don't, I don't want to have a discussion about whether or not that guy killed him or that guy killed him. It's like, it's just, it's just a thing I watch, like can we move on? And, um, yeah, especially as guys,

when dating girls who are disagreeable, I think sometimes you can get almost locked into a challenge game. You enjoy the challenge of constantly trying to slowly wear down the disagreeableness, whereas with agreeable girls, what you're trying to do is bring that disagreeableness out of them. So it's kind of the balance between the two. Speaking of dating, what were the most regular errors that you made when dating guys? The errors that I made, okay, I did take some notes here because I have so much to say on this topic. I, the mistakes I made personally, I was, I, I saw, and you guys might not see how this

is related, but it ties in. I spent way too much money, like in my 20s, even through my 30s, just, and I think the pandemic has really made me put these things into perspective. Like I spent way too much money. I was a slave to consumerism instead of like focusing on discovering my true self. Like, of course, it's okay to buy stuff. You know, like I was so happy to buy all my equipment for my podcasting stuff. I'm so happy to buy like, you know, the other day I did a temple show.

I bought a mug at a diner that I was at on the way to go do that. It's stuff like that is meaningful to me, but I used to do so much mindless, brainless shopping, and I think I was doing it to fill a void or whatever. I noticed the more you pull away from just being a mindless consumer, it's almost like you do it as a stress relief, too. It's like, I, a lot of the TV I used to watch, like when I was much younger, I would watch Kardashians and like the e-network, like celebrity stuff with my sister because that was like our bonding shit-talking time with my mom, too.

But like as I grew into like myself more, I would just shop, like almost to relieve stress or to distract myself from what's really bothering me. So if you can pull away from that, check out of that for a while and then really focus deeply on what is it that I need to pursue, first of all, what brings me joy, what makes me feel the most alive,

and how can I pursue that? And for a lot of people, it's like, how can I pursue that despite all my responsibilities or my day job or taking care of my sick parents? Because I think when you hang on to that thing, that's also the thing that makes you interesting and edgy or whatever in a relationship. It's like, yeah, sure, anybody can be hot or like nice, but it's your interests that I think make you like edgy or interesting or like make a guy be like, oh, like what's, what this is interesting? Like what's what's under here? And it's so easy, like we make fun of it, like it's so easy to just like be basic and sort of absorb or consume the basic, easy culture. Any meme account, like, Betches, or any TikTok or memes, the classic, easy stuff that's

easy to consume. If that's your whole world as a woman, man, that's just gonna make you, like, kind of intellectually soft and you're not doing justice to yourself because it's, because it's like, if you get to be in your 30s and you're like, oh, you can't name off four things that you fucking love. It's like, you haven't spent that much time digging, you know, so I would just watch it. If you find yourself watching a lot of dumb TV

or just a lot of TV in general. And I think it's about really finding those. That's the job of your 20s. I think it's like really finding your interests because that's going to hold you whether or not there's a guy in the picture. And any guy who's like truly into you for the long run, that's how you can find out if they're if they're worthy. It's like if they if they get your dreams and your goals and they help you and they support you

and pursuing them, man, that's somebody that you've got to look into a little bit more deeply and sort of like see that through. And I think the mistakes I made is I overvalued like hot sex and lots of sex. And I remember like there was a month where I was just like Google calendar apps I think I was a month where I banged like 20 people or something but then it was like it was like an addiction and a high and then they would they would leave and I'd be like who's next You know and kind of thinking like who was gonna who was gonna be like my personal cheerleader or whatever Who's gonna be like my right or die, my best friend or whatever?

I overvalued hot sex and I overvalued, does the guy like me and I completely undervalued like communication speaking up right? Because I had this brainwashing of like of being easy and being agreeable means you're not being a nag and no man likes a nag. So it was kind of, I had to deprogram that. So I had to I undervalued communication and I undervalued me liking the guy. It was always like, am I good enough? Am I hot enough? Am I competing amongst these other women instead of flipping it to like, is this guy good enough? Does he even have a job?

You know, he was late. That's so interesting, because in relationships, the sexual protagonists are almost always the men, right? I learned this the other day, there's something called the genie coefficient, which is a way that works out inequality within a system. So it can work out the levels of wealth inequality between countries. The level of the genie coefficient for Tinder is greater than 95% of all countries.

All... Wait, do you mean rubbing a lamp, genie? No, it's the G-I-N-I. It's like... Just a particular formula that allows you to work out how much inequality is in a system the way that it works on Tinder the bottom 80% of guys are competing for the bottom 20% of girls and the top 80% of girls are competing for the top 20% of guys so Both of those situations you have a of guys. So both of those situations, you have a funnel that people are trying to get past. And actually what you've said there is totally correct. If you as a girl are aiming for that top 20% of guys, you're basically competing with three other girls for every

one guy that you're trying to get. And they all have eating disorders because so you'll never win. Yeah. Yeah. So another thing that was super interesting, what you said, it feels like girls fall back to consumerism a little bit. They fall back to this kind of very vanilla, um, easy to consume the Kardashians, the gossip, the reality TV, that sort of stuff. Um, and maybe their comfort, their girl friends. What I think guys, what I think guys fall back to on the other side of the fence is more, this kind of like resentfulness, like resentfulness to the world, this isolation, this general sort of sense of anxiety and malaise around the world out to get them. Girls sort of fall into comfortable socializing, guys fall into resentful isolation. Yeah, and you see this so much, like what you've described is the default setting of when men and women are single, right?

When women are single, there's this whole culture of like girls and brunch and especially if somebody in your group just had a break up, oh, it's all hands on deck fuck men for like a good month, you know, there's, you gotta get bombed, you know, we gotta help you find a rebound dick, like we're going to shop and we're getting you some bangs honey, you know, all the worst decisions. Is bangs one of those, is that a rebound decision? Yeah, a lot of times there's a haircut, who this, there's a, you know, you gotta shake things up cause you're like, oh, I've just suffered

a blow of rejection. Like I have to change it. I had to cut a fringe in. Clearly this was not working. So I need to add bangs to the equation. Now I'm a new woman. Now you're like, I gotta try again. I have a new hair.

I got it's blue now. And really it's like you need to sit down with maybe your patterns or, hey, maybe this fucking guy did you a favor. Like I tripped over so many guys who dumped me, like so many relationships. I was the dumped. I was not the dumper, right?

Because I was like, okay, whatever. And despite glaring red flags, I'd be like, okay. And then the guy would finally dump me. Thank God, you know, because now I look back and I'm like, oh, I would have wasted even more time if they hadn't dumped me. But yes, the default female culture is like girls, you bond, because maybe maybe we're a little bit socially magnetic, gravitating to each other, especially when we're younger, it's like this whole girl culture going out in groups, that's why you get, oh, why do women go to the bathroom in groups? I was never that chick, but I totally get it, because it's just wears with men, I think maybe there's, and maybe there is the societal pressure, like, yeah, you have boys night, the man cave, but like, I think men are culturally a little

bit more on their own than women. Whereas like women, you kind of, it's okay to have a group. And so when the two sides are single, like, what do you have with men? Like, fuck women. She screwed me over. She divorced me and took all my shit, cheated. I mean, either side can cheat, of course, but like men and women handle it differently. And when men break off from women, like women have their friends, they have their mom,

usually to bitch too. Men, this is why men kind of are like, I have nowhere to put these feelings. I have nobody to talk to. I forgot who said it, but in a breakup, men become sort of emotionally homeless and they just are kind of stuck and then maybe there's the added societal pressure of like, men can't be hurt or show feelings

or talk it out or see a therapist, right? So they're kind of dealing with those feelings on their own and then that's when resentment and anger can can grow. With women, it's kind of like we get it. We sometimes will handle breakups better because we can purge it out with our friends We can like drink and dance and then when you're in that fun single place, then you're like, oh, yeah I did really like to do Bible. I really like to snowboard. I really like to do art It's it's when we're single is that we remember who we are and we can put more time into our interests

because we don't feel like we've got to cut a chunk of ourself away for a guy. And that's like the challenge of women is to, you can still be a good partner and not lose yourself. You can, because when you retain what you like and you make time for it, it actually, it's healthier for both of you. And it makes you more interesting, you know, to be pursued in like during that early sort

of courting time. It's certainly from my side as well. I think the most attractive trait that I see in a girl is if I find them, like ambitious, if I admire them, like if you admire the person that you're with, that's one hell, especially if you're a growth-minded person because everyone that likes to grow looks up to the people that they think have achieved growth

or are achieving growth and they think, wow, I wonder what I can learn from this person. If that's the way that you view, if you admire the person that you're with, it's such a compulsive, powerful draw toward them. And I mean, what's the opposite of admiration, like not resentment, I suppose, pitties. Tolerance, right. Yeah. Like, do you really want to tolerate or pity someone?

Like, that's that's the precise opposite. And yeah, I would say that for girls, the thing that girls don't like about guys based on what I've, based on what I've read in personal experience, the biggest turn off for girls from a guy is being needy. And the biggest turn off, or one of the biggest turnoffs for guys from a girl being too far at either end of that agreeableness or disagreeableness scale. Like if you're yes to everything or no to everything, there's a taking time bomb here. Wow.

Okay. So if you're like, yeah, if you're like a wallflower or you're like a total bitch. And it's like, all right, come on. Like you can't eat wings and watch a game with us. You gotta have your fucking vegan bullshit, you know? Like, if you've all been with that girl. Wow, how can girls tell if a guy is good for them? Oh, I think for me, it was like number one.

Do they support your dreams? Like they would, do they treat your dreams and your goals, like they would your dreams? Like they would there. Do they treat your dreams and your goals like they would their own? And that's how I kind of knew that my current boyfriend was like something really special because I never had that with anybody else. I felt like I had to be the cheerleader for the dude. But again, I was like younger and I didn't advocate for myself as much. But I think what my current boyfriend did for me,

he knew that sort of people pleasing part of me, the part that doesn't like to like, let my interests be known and he would catch that, he would be observant and be like, what do you want? No, really, what do you want? I picked the last two times or like tell me, like tell me where you want to eat,

like whatever is not an answer, like he would really. Aurora out. Kind of pushed me on that and draw it out, which I really needed. And maybe a lot of women need that too, is like, if you catch maybe a slightly undesirable thing in your girl, it's like, don't just like,

lower eyes, maybe, maybe she needs help, like, drawing that out. And, because that's what the best relationship relationship each of you should learn from the other and help each other grow and fix your negative patterns and stuff. And I think, yeah, so it was him supporting my dreams and goals. And it's a big part of getting into a relationship is realizing like your source of novelty and excitement as you know it's will change and that's what's that's where also the culture kind of conflicts people are so shocked like oh why is the divorce rate so high it's like because our culture kind of conflicts with the conflicts with the values

that are needed to sustain a relationship. It's like you shouldn't be reading advice columns written by 20-year-old women who haven't, you know what I mean? Like I feel like all advice columns should be written by like 60-year-olds, you know, or like 70-year-olds who've like been in it with somebody, like been in the shit. Like don't listen to dating advice from like people

in their 20s, like they just haven't lived enough life. And I find a lot of these advice pieces, what they're in, whether it's news or magazine, or what's behind that is either pushing some kind of political agenda or they're pushing products. So that's why it's good to kind of disconnect, really evaluate where you're kind of looking for advice. Like podcasts, of course, are great or like asking, you know, if you have an aunt and uncle that have been to get it forever, or your parents, if they still really like each other, asking them for relationship advice is better, I think, than consulting the sort of like the mainstream garbage that's

out there. And this concept, like, women will hear this a lot. You deserve it all. Don't settle, girl. You're basically telling women that your self-worth is equated with not settling, which is equated with if you find one thing wrong in a guy, toss him out. This whole, like, you deserve everything or the per, it's giving you the message that you deserve to the perfect guy, which doesn't exist. And I fear that in the meantime, a woman could be tossing out or a man could be tossing out.

Plenty of, like, really good people, you know? But it's hard to, like, and ultimately, having a relationship with someone is going to involve, right? Your novelty and excitement, as you know, it is gone, right? So it's not the going out. It's not the chase. It's not the pick up.

Like for me, I love that shit. I love like being picked up on like a whatever weekend or whatever, fucking dead go out Tuesday with my ass hanging out. I'm like, let's do it. So now it's so, but you know in your interrelationship, you're like, okay, you gotta find your novelty and your excitement. You have to kind of build it from the ground up

with this person. So for me, my boyfriend, we fucking love snowboarding and it kind of generates that adrenaline and it's the sense of achievement and it's a challenge and we're like falling and busing our ass and we're like laughing about that. So, and it's, you can't bring your single life into a relationship. So I think the messages that young men and women

are hearing are not really, are confusing. Not that saying like, oh, there are some elements of like conservatism that I think that help in terms of, yeah, if you want to settle down with somebody, reassess your values, I don't know. I think the idea that, you deserve it all, don't settle, is so damaging because you can waste so much time waiting for that perfect person, but there's no way to make the idea of sacrifice and working out problems like sexy. Do you know what I mean? Like you can't really mean that the way that you can mean like you deserve it all, girlfriend.

It's just yeah, the simplest answer often like is correct in principle, but really bad to try and push forward. Like very rightly so, you should demand everything that you can from your life. As far as we know, you only get one existence. This is the last time that you get to have this time. So, yeah, go after the things that you want, but don't be a bitch about it. I'll don't be a dick about it. You don't have to hold people to account so ruthlessly that it sucks. One of the things, I'm interested in why, what it was that you were getting from being

picked up and from that attention, what was it feeding in you that you, that was a whole or that made you feel so good. Why did it feel so good? Oh, it hit like drugs. And I don't know if I can fully explain why it just felt like, yeah, like being super validating, being desired. Like I just loved the chase. I loved being chased. I loved like, even sometimes now, like look at my random,

like DM requests and you'll be just fans. I'll have a crush on you, and sometimes that'll hit a little spot in me that's like, hmm, you know what I mean? Maybe it's deep down there's a fear of being taken for granted or abandoned. I don't really know. I just know that it's always, and I'm somebody who, when I'm at my low vibrational,

like, left to my own devices, if I were single and, like, not in a good place, oh boy, could I be a huge slut in, like, no time flat? And that would be the only thing I would do, you know? I wouldn't, because I looked back at the times where I was like, oh, I didn't pursue shit, except for Dick. Like, I was like, Dick appointments, you know what I mean? I was like, I, that's nice, but I am late for my next dick appointment. And then it dick appointments, you know what I mean? I was like, I said, that's nice, but I am late for my next dick appointment. And then it would be if it's bad, it's a joke,

it's a story, but if it's great, man, it's great. You tell your girlfriends about it. Maybe that ends up in your standup set too. And just it was this feeling of like, I maybe I'm a dude deep down like it was just feeling of like, like the I'm a dude deep down, like it was just feeling of like, um, like the chase or just like, really, I would get in my head. I was like about adding up my numbers and, just like, um, I don't know, I don't know what was behind it. I think, uh, people would listen to this and say, oh, daddy issues classic, you you know, maybe. I never had like a great dad's. I don't know to compare it to like, it was great. Like, yeah, he paid for shit. He would fix my car, but like, he never really asked me like, what I thought or felt

or like, talk to me about the shit that it was important to me. So I wonder what it's going to be like. I can't wait to be a dad. And I wonder what it's going to be like. I can't wait to be a dad and I Wonder what it's going to be like if I have girls like trying to communicate to girls Because I even the wife that you've got you don't have to communicate in the way that you do from a guy to a to a girl It is it must be if the chasm that you have to leap linguistically, conceptually, emotionally, spiritually, like it's a big old, a big old hole.

Thinking about the big hole. Thinking about the, I've been called worse. The way that girls often go in and out of relationships, like everyone's got that girl friend. I think it's I Have it personally am I experiencing tomorrow with guys to have the one that is just like maximum length of time being single is sort of three and a half weeks and it's like one ovulation you get one ovulation single And then you're back in a relationship again. You gotta go. Throw out your scent again. Yeah, you gotta get back out there. That's why I've been working on cop cars in Miami right now.

Wow. Oh god, now I wonder if that was me. No, I went, um, I'm gonna have a couple months between my last couple of boyfriends. Oh, it's, um, everyone, I remember my friends gave me shit like, oh, you rushed into another relationship. Wouldn't necessarily base it on that because if you're not, you can also take time for yourself in a relationship.

You may not need to be, I need to take six months or a year off of Dick to find myself. Like I've heard women do that, but you should be able to also find yourself or reclaim yourself in a relationship too. Like those are good skills. It's that whole like, have I lost myself? Am I cranky?

Am I angry, irritable? Oh, maybe that means I'm not doing what I wanna do. Or like, I feel tense. Oh, I'm not like saying my true feelings. I'm feeling stagnant. Yeah, that probably means something needs to move emotions. Isn't it interesting that all of those things there, I think are probably a lot rarer to finding guys. So those are the things that guys can rely on. Like if a guy go get single at least sort of within my friend group,

they'll lean into their business. They'll lean into their entrepreneurship. They'll lean into reading more, meditating more, training more. lean into their entrepreneurship, they're lean into reading more, meditating more, training more. That's where they'll go for strength, whereas that might be somewhere that girls would go for weakness or where they would shy away from is where men would lean into. I think I have known like women like, yeah, when you are single, it's like, oh, yeah, like now I have time for myself again, which sometimes that does mean working out more. You're back to your like single, single girl schedule. And it's like you probably would fill in that way for in time with like, friend time or like yeah, trying to get dick time depending on like how you take it. How you take the break up. It's always good to yeah, maybe men are healthier in that way. Yeah, I'm going

to focus on my business or strengthen my body, my mind. Yeah, that's, and it sucks. It shouldn't take a break up for us to kind of recalibrate and reprioritize those things. Because man, those things are so important all the time. It makes you a better you. It makes you a better, more interesting partner. So it's, I think we waste a lot of time being like, oh, whose fault was it? What's wrong with me? I need to talk to them and I need more chances or, oh, you got to figure it out. Like sometimes things fall apart and that that's, I don't know, if you believe in God or whatever,

like things are meant to happen and it's like, one of you might want to get back together. Okay, like see and see what happens there, but like, yeah, sometimes a breakup can be the best thing. And maybe I person breaks up with you or you break up with them and it allows you to like, oh, just recalibrate on your whole shit. But I think, God, did I talk about, you're asking, oh, yeah, this is like what women do. Like we, a lot of us don't ask for things like, right, in relationships like we've discussed, but also in our careers and that can lead to so much stagnation. Because you think like, oh, if I were good enough, like they would just hand me the thing,

or the promotion, or the raise, or whatever. And I learned like, you know, I learned it eventually, but it would be nice to learn this maybe 10 years ago. It's like, bitch, you have to ask for it. You have to demand it, especially when it comes to your career and your goals. Like be fucking annoying. Be the follow up circle back queen, you know?

And you won't be annoying. It's okay, like when it comes to business, like you have to just learning to not take things personally is also one of the best lessons. Because if someone's not giving you what you think you want or need in a relationship, like, oh, they're not spending as much on me for my birthday as I spent on them for their birthday.

Oh, man, just try to take shit like that, not like that's how a woman's empathy and almost like our psychic abilities can come back and like fuck us up, you know. Because you're so observant, you're able to see the differences. Yeah, like, oh, I spent 500 dollars on his birthday and I feel like he spent like barely anything online. Does that mean he doesn't really love me as much or as he cheap or it's like, he might

just be clueless. He might just have like no clue what to get you. And it took me a couple years in my relationship to learn like I got to send him a cut even though it feels weird I got to send him a couple links of things I want like birthday or Christmas, which I was so hesitant to do because me that felt like I'm being needy I'm being too ASCII being too demanding. Oh my god like once I unhooked like I thought everything was being fucking too demanding There's another side of that kind as well, which is like he should know if he had Yeah, there's so much of that like I felt that way about bosses, boyfriend's family members because Like I feel like I'm super perceptive and configure things out Well if I'm this perceptive of them and we've been together the same six years

Why can't he perceive things in me? And then you take that personally. So yeah, your superpower can also be your fucking greatest weakness as well or the thing that screws you over. But I think another important piece of advice is you get, and for me, I would always be somebody who would have to get advice from all my friends with any breakup. Like, oh, what do I do? You hash it out just to make sure that you weren't the person in the wrong. He sucks. He sucks. You have to get that validation that you're still okay. And it can be so easy to get advice from so many other people. But the more you can tune into yourself and the more you can rely on yourself as the person you get advice from,

ugh, the better, all the better, because let's say your best friend is out of the country and you're having a crisis. You go, I can't function unless I talk to Teresa. It's like the more you can rely on yourself, even right now, I've been seeing my therapist for like, I think four years. And I think I'm about to break up with her. Honestly, over politics. It's starting to bother me.

Like, yeah. And I'm realizing, I think it's okay. And I remember this is the same therapist who told me at one point, like, yeah, maybe you might need to break up with my current boyfriend. Of course, we've had ups and downs. And I remember she like and I was like I think a younger Chrissy would have been like godless into the therapist she's a professional but it's like there was just something in me that was like no just like work on this like that was just you know saying like pull through he's a good guy or whatever and and now it's like, oh yeah, because I started seeing her, because my mom was diagnosed with cancer and I was feeling the stagnation in my relationship,

but I realized that's just because I wasn't communicating enough. Anytime she was like, oh, tense, it's just got a, emotions have to move through. Like they can get stuck, just like a muscle can get sore or whatever. You just gotta like keep talking.

That's like, it's number one and it's so hard, but oh yeah, at least recently with my therapist, I was finding, she's in New York, she's super liberal and I've found in the last couple of years I've been getting, I've been pulling away from like kind of liberal becoming less woke, kind of anti-woke even. And I think I brought up that I voted for Trump.

And I think after that she started a little bit. I don't know. I could just perceive this slight bit of like judgment. And I was like, oh, I think I need to break up with her. And then here's what she said that made me realize like, oh, shit, maybe I don't need this therapist anymore. She said like, oh, but like, she's raising these her rates. And then she said to me, like, well, I know a couple who makes less than you and they can pay it.

And I was like, oh, oh, that's, that's interesting. So it's weird sometimes just like our parents or our therapists, they can sometimes reveal their personhood instead of their heroic person who gives you advice or something. We're all just fucking people at the end of the day. The more you can look within and be like, tune into your gut and does this feel right? Am I missing something? Am I serving myself? Am I feeding my, am I listening to my inner child? Like, what's the stuff you like to, you like to do as a kid and you haven't done that in a really long time? Like, okay, well, it's probably time to make time for that.

I love that. I love that advice. I tell people that so much. Whatever you did for fun between the ages of like eight and 14, you will adore doing when you're 32. Like, it's just also, although I went back and played a sport that I hadn't played in a decade and ruptured my Achilles the first time that I did it, so condition yourself before you got back in to see it. Right, because I started giving blowjabs at 14, which is way too fast. I was not recommend it. It wasn't even my choice.

Oh, God, God. One of the things that's super interesting is for guys, I think there is a really important inflection point that we all get to, like 27, 28, 29, some are a little bit later. And it's what I've dubbed the Manipals. So it's a change when you let go of the old, quite juvenile, really base, transient relationships, you start to realize, okay, like, I need to understand what the word integrity means. Maybe I don't need to have it just yet, but at least I need to understand what it means. I can't continue to get wasted and get a couple of bags in on a weekend and sniff my head off with the

boys until Monday morning and then like, not really anything. I can't do that. I need to knuckle down and try and do stuff. And that seems to be really formative. I know there's tons and tons of guys that are of that age group that are going through the manopause right now and are trying to come out on the other side as this much more aligned, much more awakened, better understood, human. What are the key ages that you found or what are the ones that your girlfriends went through where you saw these real profound changes? That's so interesting that you say that first of all because like around the age of 28 is also and I don't want people that are like not into astrology to immediately tune out but of 28 is also, and I don't want people that are not into a strategy to

immediately tune out, but 28 is also the age of your Saturn return. And it's a year of a lot of change in growing up and things are coming together. You're sloughing off old bullshit. So I'm sure that's part of it. It's so different for women because we have the added thing of in my do I want to have kids or not and and I would say just You don't want to start thinking about that like if you don't want to start thinking about kids until you're 35 That sucks because it might take you a few years to even find

somebody like decent who would be a good dad So even if you're even if you're sitting here listening at 30, I definitely don't want kids. It's like, yeah, if you approach finding a guy almost like who would be a good dad, I think you'll ultimately end up with a better partner. And that's the thing. It's like, hooking up is so fun. Oh man, but now looking back, I know that like, there's only really 10 or 12 different kinds of dudes.

And it's like, you don't need four or five, six rounds of that. You know, now looking back, it's like, yeah, I had a lot of type ones, two, sevens, I had a lot of 12s, you know, like, like you don't, you know, it's fun to be like single and slutty, I had a lot of 12s, you know, like, you don't, you know, it's fun to be like single and slutty. I had a great time, but it's like now going back.

It's like, yeah, I would have been good, sleeping with half of the guys that I slept with. Like I didn't need to have that many experiences, because a lot of them were the same. You're gonna have a lot of like, the really hot guy that's out of your league. Not talking to anybody on this podcast, of course, or like, you know, the guy with a really great job.

And he's like, not too good looking, or like, whatever, like, he's like kind of short, and he's obsessed with you, or like, the broke comedian, or like, the rich finance guy who's cheating on you. It's like, you don't need to have all those experiences six times. So it's like, not that I would, and that's the thing is like, of course I have all this

looking back, I can say like, yeah, I was a, the idea is just to like figure out what you want sooner rather than later. So I would say like, yeah, when you're at a college or at a school or whatever, like, that's the thing. If your goals are in line, if you really are like, it's the growth mentality is truly everything. Because if you want to build something and you have dreams, it's like, that has to stay primary. And then whoever comes into that is either

going to support that. And if they don't, well, then they need to go because don't lose sight of what you want to build. And that could just be that, you know, that doesn't mean you ought to be CEOs like maybe the thing you want to build is a family which is totally cool. But try to figure that out sooner rather than later because it's like the goal to not waste time, right? And even if you're not, so set on your goals be like, okay

What do I just value? You know whether it's hanging out with your family on the weekends or like for me a big lesson was like my boyfriend Has a has a son and I started dating him the kid was like four years old now. He's 10 and the thing that I struggled with was like now he's 10. And the thing that I struggled with was like, basically, like, why, why am I not getting all the attention? Like, I really had to struggle with like chunking off a lot of our boyfriend girlfriend time is like his dad time because he would see his kid every other weekend. And like, man, like, that was a good lesson for me to have because I was also a person who struggled with like needing a lot of attention. So it was almost like, I finally came to the conclusion of like,

Chris, you need to grow up in a way. Like this kid didn't ask to be born. He doesn't solely exist just to keep you from having sex. I started seeing him as his own person. And hey, what unique strengths of mine can I sort of impart on him or how can I, you know, I mean, how can I give like the best of myself to this like young person? And, uh, and now I'm this sort of cool step girlfriend and we like, and I feel like my

sense of humor is rubbed off on him, but it was in the beginning. I was like, ah, he's got the fucking kid again. Like this, you know what I mean? Like I really was struggling with it. It's hard to date somebody with a kid, but always look for like what you can learn in the situation. I don't even know if I'm answering the question. No, I think that you are. And one of the interesting things that comes up when you look at the path of people that haven't got the goals sorted out is they do just get blown by the wind.

The sad thing is I wonder, we can all look back with the wonderful perspective of wisdom, right? And X number of years, I'm 33, you said you're 37. Look back and go, God, all of the stuff that I now take for granted, or that I, sorry, all of the stuff that I value is so obvious. Like, it's so plain. It's now written into the source code of the way that I see the world. Like I obviously could have realized this at 21 or at however many guys instead of double the number of guys, or whatever it might be.

Less than a hundred. Okay. So I could have obviously reached this because to me now, these realizations are so obvious. But one of the problems is it's not just about having the lessons written out in a bulleted list. And this is why I think the podcast is so important because your life isn't changed by an Instagram quote when you're scrolling through why because there's no context.

You're going like booty picture, booty kick picture, funny cat video, booty picture, inspirational quote, funny cat video. Like you need the context around the message that you're getting. You need to hear it from a thousand different angles and a hundred different people. You need all of the different examples. And you said, you don't need to date the same guy with a different name and a different face six times to learn the lesson you could have learned from the first one. But lessons are quite hard learned sometimes. You do need to hammer them home with a number of different mallets, as it sounds like you were hit with.

And then... Like... This is sounding so sexual all of a sudden. You keep bringing it up. And, um... Yeah, I just think that they're really hard learned. These lessons are super, super difficult to get into your head, but certainly focusing on what it is that you want to do. And not taking things, I think everybody takes stuff too seriously, especially when you're 21. Whatever the thing is that's happening has

probably at most happened maybe once or twice before. So obviously it's going to be a big deal. If this is only your second breakup, or maybe your first breakup, it's going to be massive because you've never had one before. When you're on breakup number 20, inevitably just the size of the waves is going to be smaller because the scale of the map that you're looking at is going to be less. So yeah, I think we can berate ourselves over not arriving at our realizations earlier, but on the flip side of that, I wonder how much, how quick we can iterate on it in any case.

If you're 23 and single and love like drinking margaritas and partying with your girlfriends, those different Saturdays every week, like you're not in the place to even receive the message, even if you got it. Yeah, and it's just like, I guess it's like, you don't learn it until you learn it. It's so wild because you can't, right, and I remember I hated hearing when I was in my 20s, oh, you go to have a kid soon, I fucking hated hearing that, you know,

like I would hear it from my mom, and I'd be like, I'm not even the guy I like, you know what I mean? I hated, you know, I would move from apartment to apartment, I'd be renting forever, And my mom would be like, and I would just be like, oh, I want to buy a nice bed or a nice chest of drawers or something and she'd be like, no, don't. When you settled down,

she would almost shame me for renting. And I hated that because I was like, oh, in her eyes, I'm not good enough to buy a good piece of furniture again. I'd be like, what? So some people are so at odds with like what their parents are telling them to do. Yeah, so that's the pitch of it is like for women because it's like you could be so convinced you don't want to have kids in your 20s or even through your 30s and you can wake up like

in your 40s and big fuck. I really wanna have a kid. So. That's the challenge, right? That's the big elephant in the room, I think, of modern life, especially for women. A really reassuring stat is that in the UK, more women had children over the age of 40 than under the age of 20 last year. Whoa.

Yeah, which is pretty cool. But there are some challenges that girls face now. You think about the loss of tradition of marriage, the increase in transient sex, the fact that allowing women into the workplace with more equality actually makes them have to make a really difficult decision. Because previously, if there was no career on the table, you didn't have to choose between career and family. Like, obviously in a democratic society

that's a meritocracy where you can be anything you want to be, we love the idea of giving people choices, but the paradox of choice can hurt. Because when you have a choice to make that's on you, you're always gonna think about whether or not you made the right one. Whereas if you're just pushed into one direction, people oddly are actually more satisfied with the outcome.

So I'm not saying that we need to go back to not allowing women in the workplace, but my point is that dispensing, despicably just stay at home, but reading Dr. Zous books, and dispensing with the traditions of the past means that you now have challenges that there aren't any existing

narratives to give you the solution to. We don't know what it's like for women to be in the workplace for more than like 40 years or 50 years properly, but this experiment is two generations long and we think that we understand how it works. It's really challenging. So yeah. It's really challenging. And then there's like this whole fear like,

like you got to get a job with health benefits so you can have the kid, but you don't want to get hired and then immediately take off because you're pregnant too soon because that looks bad. Are you going to get shit for that? Are you then going to get shit for taking a, like a leave of absence, a maternity leave. And then some going to take your job before job before you come back. So, you know, can that happen? Surely that can happen. Okay. Some cat loving twat comes in and takes your job, you know, like, I don't know. You never know, right? Because you're away and spend with new ex-see, there's like this pre-pandemic was such

like every job feels like devil wears product. There's just so much competition and hustle. And like everyone's at your throw. It's just like, and so it's like, oh, you finally take off to have this kid. And like, oh, when you come back, are you seen as like problematic or like, you know, too demanding, oh, I gotta take off from my kids. I gotta leave concerts meetings.

And then is your boss gonna like roll your eyes and be like, ugh, you were a lot more committed when you were like in 21 with no kid. It's really hard. It's so hard. And I'm gonna blame the culture for a lot of this because man does the culture make it so easy to instead of like learn,

let's say you need to learn a lesson, a pattern, a toxic pattern about yourself, whatever, it's from your parents or whatever. And then instead of like learn, let's say you need to learn a lesson, a pattern, a toxic pattern about yourself, whatever, it's from your parents or whatever. And then instead of like learning that lesson with that guy number one, you're like, well, we had that first argument, goodbye, back on the app, swipe, swipe, swipe, you're fresh, right, with guy number two,

but you're like, and let's say that issue doesn't come up for another three months. Oh, well, part of you is like, I don't want to learn that lesson. He's a dick. Dump. You know, back on the apps, wipe, wipe, wipe. You're with guy number three. Same issue comes up six months in.

You know what I mean? So now, a lesson you could have learned in a month has now taken maybe a year because we're in this like disposable, people are kind of disposable. There's unlimited options on the apps. You can always, there's so many more fish in the sea, but is it possible that you just delayed you learning that lesson out a year? And some people do that for, I mean, many, many years, they'll avoid learning lessons. So I tell you what's weird, the boiling down of the culture to its simplest terms, you talked about TikTok and meme culture earlier on, that really does reduce

down all the context that we were saying drives these points home and allows you to understand the lessons. If you turn something into a lovely pithy little aphorism, like if anything is the length of a tweet, you probably need to know more than just that to fully understand it. Like, that's pretty good rule to use. But because we're living on social media and it's this real transactional transient, just communication about what, does it rhyme?

Has it got clapp emojis in between each word? Is the refuel stop at the end? Oh, God. Like, all of these things, somehow... That's it. That's the tweet. Like, they make the truthfulness of the statement somehow seen better and you're like, it doesn't change the actual,

the intellectual realism of whatever somebody's talking about isn't affected by their emoji use. But what we do is, you just sound contier, like you've just made, the voice of the tweet sound like a contie person is saying this, like who puts a emoji claps in between each thing. And that's the thing is like we're all like a lot of us, our copycats, you see other people doing,

oh, this person's cool, they have a lot of followers, I'll start doing that. And yeah, it's so true, we said about needing context, so much of Twitter is like inside jokes or people talking to their people, right? Like, just today I made like inside jokes. I made it like a stand-up comedy inside joke. I said like, I'm like, you know when you're at a comedy club

and there's like this drunk girl and she's an attention-horn, she's heckling and she's ruined everybody's time. Everyone's like, she's so annoying. And then finally that girl leaves and everybody claps. That's what Chrissy Teague and leaving Twitter feels like, which is really like, yes, that requires context, but if you know, you know, and it's funny.

So, but Twitter wasn't designed for context. No, it wasn't. And the other thing as well is that when you boil that down, people don't want to learn difficult lessons because the obvious stuff should be so obvious. And that's why you say like, oh, you're too good for him. Or, you know, like clapping back. Like, what do you mean? Like, you've created an entire, like, intellectual subsection based around a fucking emoji. Like that's. Yeah. Clapping back. That just makes you don't want to to learn or less than about yourself. Probably clapping back. Maybe you just like maxed out too many credit cards. Maybe

you need to look at your finances instead of clapping back. I don't know. One thing that it's a band-aid. One thing that I thought that might be interesting is, do you think there's any traits that guys should take from girls? Are there any things that girls do that guys would benefit from adding into their emotional or social repertoire? Yeah, I think guys could be a little bit better at reaching out to their friends. I think sometimes guys that get too, they feel like they have to deal with all their shit on their own, in their own heads.

Just from guys that I'm close to, like, yeah, it's almost like, right, you don't want to become emotionally homeless, like, almost like have your keep in touch with your, not saying like, you could be dumped anytime, or divorce it in a time, like, but like, keep up with your guy friends, like, really try to put an extra effort in that, because it's so easy to just let the days and weeks and months, and I'm sure we could all think of just now in the last year, like, man, as a handful of people, I haven't talked to in a really long time,

but I think there's something about guys, they just, maybe they're all so focused on work, and then maybe their wife and their kid is a handful, and then it seems like the first thing to go when a guy settles down are his friends, which is so sad, because I think women are better at keeping in touch like stereotypically so I would say yeah like for guys like don't don't lose your your friends because I think some of them think like oh well they have kids they're they're not going to be down for like the group snowboarding

trip anymore you have to eliminate like a whole swath of friends that have kids and like the groups no-boarding trip anymore, you have to eliminate like a whole swath of friends that have kids and like, that sucks. They probably feel like, like, don't, I guess don't count anybody out automatically. I think a reverse of that is if you are the guy that's got a lot of stuff going on, remember that when your friends offer you to do stuff,

if you say no enough times, they're gonna stop offering you to do stuff. Like, because I know what it's like if you run in a business or trying to do things, or even just focusing obsessively, neurotically focusing on yourself, doing self work in a way which you know is making you a better person.

But when someone decides to reach out to say, hey man, like, do you want to go for food this week or something, leave them red? Like, no, like, the fuck? You know what I mean? Like, oh, like, can't do it, or too busy this week, or whatever it might be. It's like, you don't have no one has that many friends. Nobody has

sufficient friends to be a dick to the friends that you have. So, yeah, I think on both sides of it, remember to continue to sort of keep in touch with the people that you should, but also remember to be responsive when that happens. It's so easy for guys, especially the ones that are in relationships. The combination of the elitist, like, I'm in a relationship and you're not, like, fuck off, I get sex on tap. Along with the misses might give me stick. I might get in trouble by, I don't almost don't want to ask.

Like, I hear so much of that from like my boyfriend's friends, like, oh, I gotta ask the boss. It's like, ugh, who wants to be part of something like that? I don't know. Maybe that's just me not being like typical like chick. It's a very common among like past relationships. But that's born out of the girl being insecure around you not liking her sufficiently. The subtext of I'm going out with my friends is you are choosing your friends over me, which is you don't like me sufficiently. So really, really where it comes from is you just needing to say, look, I want to spend time with you. I enjoy spending it.

It's a reassurement. It's a cry out for attention and reassurement, but God it gets so old so quick and you can only take a few of those before it before it sort of starts to. And it will it'll totally degrade the relationship because if if everything that a guy has to do outside of the relationship he knows who's going to come with this like. He knows who's going to come with this, like, McDonald's. Yeah, well, this McDonald's happy meal of like extra toys and there's a bag of grapes and all of this other stuff I need to, I need to eat before I can actually get to the fucking meal.

You're not gonna cry. You don't have those in America, do you? You just have like, You have apple slices. Yeah, but they're deep fried, aren't they? They're deep fried and they're inside of a donut. You need to eat the donut to get to the app. Yeah, there's apple slices inside of a donut.

They'll give you like a bag of like wet apple slices that are like obviously there's some kind of preserve in there keeping them like from going, you know, brown. But that's so interesting and it's like it's good to think of yourself as like even if you're the best girlfriend or wife ever. It's like you're still just one color and you need, there's certain colors that he's not going to get from you. You get a color, everyone's trying to be a rainbow, right?

Whatever. But it's like a woman, you might be a great blow, you're a great shadeable, but you're still blue. And maybe working out is yellow and his, you know, his business or his feeling of building something. Okay, that's orange. And maybe like kids are red or like whatever. Like playing guitar is the purple. And it's like, you can't, don't even try to be all the colors. Like don't try to be that, don't be the cheesecake factory

that thinks it's so good at making all the... Oh God, I fucking love the cheesecake factory. Oh really? Maybe it's a bad idea. No, no, no, no, no. So it's a perfect analogy for what you're talking about, but God, the cheesecake factory is phenomenal. Like that place, the fact that...

They don't need to be like the pizza place that also tries to do Chinese food. That's what the kids do. I wish, I don't know if they have them in the UK, every time that I go to America, and it's so bad, because all of my America friends look down on me. Like, I love Denny's. Denny's to me, I'm like,

they do, Unbelievably breakfast, they're open at like 5.30 AM, for no reason at all, they still haven't closed, and yet also haven't opened yet. And, um, Yeah, I have diners,

yeah, that means you're like a not high maintenance. Yeah, I get down with Olive Garden, like, why not Apple bees? Yeah. I love it. Look, Chrissy, I really, really appreciate you coming on. Hopefully we've saved some people, some girls, and maybe some guys from making some awful mistakes. Where should people go?

They want to check out more of your stuff. I hope so. Yeah, yeah, I would say like the number one one thing is, do they care about your goals? Check me out on all things social media at Chrissy Mayer. Check out the Chrissy Mayer podcast, which is on iTunes, YouTube, Spotify, SoundCloud. Chris was on an episode, really, really wonderful. I'll do interviews with literally everybody. Political personalities, libertarians, porn

stars, comedians, there's something for everybody. And then I have a show called The Wet Spot on Compound Media, which is a subscriber-based network. Mondays at 7.30 pm Eastern, and that's a sex dating relationship, fluffy, fun, advice show. But yeah, my podcast stuff is all free. So check that out. And yeah, follow me on all the things. And I'm doing stand up. I have a huge stand up tour. If you're listening, if you're in the US at all, just go to my website, ChrissyMayer.com for tickets. Like I'll be going to,

you know, Delaware, Florida, Oklahoma, Austin, Nashville, Alabama, Cleveland, Dappleton. So check it out. Is your temple episode up yet as well? Oh, yes it is, yeah, it was, uh, I was just on temple on Monday, so that's up. If you wanna check that out, you know, we talk about like, comedy, cancel culture stuff, which is always fun. Awesome, thank you for coming on.

Thanks Chris. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,