Modern Wisdom - #562 - Mark Normand - How To Offend Everyone

Episode Date: December 8, 2022

Mark Normand is a podcaster, an actor and a comedian. Mark grew up in a rundown New Orleans bed & breakfast with a cross-dressing manager. Fertile ground for becoming one of the most popular, hardest working and fastest growing comics in America then. But why is it so important to have a pursuit that you care about if you're going to do other, seemingly unrelated hard things? Expect to learn the price that you pay for being a famous comedian, why Mark's life would fall apart if he didn't have a passion to care about, whatever happened to that lady who tweeted about AIDs, whether Cocaine Bear will be given the Oscar nomination it deserves, whether bombing on stage changes your personality and much more... Sponsors: Get the Whoop 4.0 for free and get your first month for free at http://join.whoop.com/modernwisdom (discount automatically applied) Get over 37% discount on all products site-wide from MyProtein at https://bit.ly/proteinwisdom (use code: MODERNWISDOM) Get 20% discount on House Of Macadamias’ nuts at https://houseofmacadamias.com/modernwisdom (use code MW20) Extra Stuff: Check out Mark's website - http://marknormandcomedy.com/  Get my free Reading List of 100 books to read before you die → https://chriswillx.com/books/ To support me on Patreon (thank you): https://www.patreon.com/modernwisdom - Get in touch. Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/modernwisdompodcast Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact/  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello friends, welcome back to this show. My guest today is Mark Normand, he's a podcaster, an actor and a comedian. Mark grew up in a run down New Orleans bed and breakfast with a cross-dressing manager, third-ile ground for becoming one of the most popular, hardest working and fastest growing comics in America then. But why is it so important to have a pursuit that you care about if you're going to do other seemingly unrelated hard things. Expect to learn the price that you pay for being a famous comedian, why Mark's life

would fall apart if he didn't have a passion to care about, whatever happened to that lady who tweeted about AIDS on a plane to Africa, whether cocaine bear will be given the Oscar nomination it sorely deserves, whether bombing on stage changes your personality and much more. It was rather difficult to hold it together in front of Mark. The guy is never serious, but I actually managed to get some serious stuff out of him today

and I very much appreciate his dedication to the craft and the focus and level of attention that he brings to his calling in life. It's very, very cool to see and super inspiring. But now, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mark Normand. Oh, I love it. Mark Norman, look at this. Hey, thanks for having me. Boy, these thighs are magical.

I got them out for you. I love them. I want to put honey on them and eat them. Look at this. And the guns and the hairline. My god, the hairline. Look at that thing, it's perfection. What can I say?

Speaking of honey, cocaine bear. Have you heard of cocaine bear? I know, I think it is a gay porn. No. Hottest movie, trended on 20s today, based on a real story. In November 1985, a hunter discovered a dead 175 pound black bear in Chateau Huchi National Forest near by was a duffle bag that had originally contained roughly 75 pounds of cocaine. The unfortunate animal had apparently gotten into the blow and overdosed, later dubbed Pablo

Esco Bear, or simply cocaine bear, and now they're making a movie about it. Oh, I hope Pixar is all over this. By the way, that's 85 before fentanyl. That bear would have been dead in two seconds, but at least you probably had a good run around the forest with that coke. Yeah, I know. But yeah, that's the thing, dude. You've got to scrape the barrel. If you're not going to do more redone of top gun. Mm. That is taking cocaine. That's what's up in the next. That's gold. I love it. And nobody gets hurt.

You can't cancel anybody. It's fun. He's already black bear. We're being inclusive. Sorry, what'd you say? The bear's not very happy. No, no, but you get a bear. You know, he won't really do coke in the movie. Yeah, it'll be fake coke and it'll also be a fake bear. Apparently he's on display.

The guy, it's been, what's it called? When you do... Taxidermy? Yeah, Taxidermy, Cocaine Bear. Whoa. Serious shit. Still got the white, so some who's muzzle and everything. Damn, that's awesome.

Good for the bear. Yeah, I think you had a good time. And what a thing. I'm happy, like, he went out like Rick James. I remembered that tweet from that lady, it was about 10 years ago, do you remember there was some lady that was flying to Africa?

Oh yeah, the AIDS lady. Fuck dude, that story came back up again. What? I just, I resurfaced someone was reflecting, it's nearly 10 years since it happened. And that was still, that was like cancellation before cancellation was saying. Right, right.

So for the people that don't know, this lady was flying to Africa, South Africa, I think, and tweeted, going to Africa, hope I don't get AIDS, just kidding. I'm white. And she got on the plane with her life in a career and got off the plane and it was all gone. Yeah. Poor girl.

That's not a bad. That's not that bad. There's a lot of AIDS in Africa, and not really amongst the whites. I mean, if you go with these statistics, I'm weather. Hey, you know, it's a funny joke, but that should be a mini-series, like HBO, you know, like Black Mirror and all that. How about all the true cancels

throughout the last, you know, get Kramer in there, get a, like AIDS lady, get Roseanne. Remember the ambient tweet? Wow. That would be interesting. That would be good. Each one is a different character. Each one is a different story.

Yeah. Translation through the ages. Exactly. See what they had and see what they lost. Roseanne had the biggest show on Netflix. That went away, you know, that, that's fun stuff. Hmm. It seems like, I mean, is there anyone Trump gone now back?

There's no one really that's too big to topple, I don't think. Is there anyone that's outside of the cancellation verse? Chappelle seems pretty invincible. Yes, he's quarantined somehow. Yeah, I don't know how, I think he just doesn't care and he's a cool black guy and he sells out of here. If you have the capital, you can kind of beat it. Aligned, JK Rowling.

Ah, there's another one. Capital, she's a Brazilian heir. Yes, I think ability to earn people money is just a protective mechanism, right? Cute. Why would you kill a golden goose? Right, right. Yeah, which is kind of fun because it shows how much bullshit

a lot of this is because they're like, yes, that's horrible. Oh, wait, King, King, King, King, you know. Let's not say about her. Let's not say about him. Oh, he doesn't, how much is he net put your 10 mil no Yeah, we can get rid of him exactly. Yeah, Alec Baldwin still working. Wow fuck dude. That's insane That's a talk about a life-changing like that Bro brutal poor guy

Well, he's back on filming the same movie. Is he? Yeah. Oh man. You imagine that one year, finally we get back to set. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Jesus, I hope they got a new prop guy. You know, that gun guy, whoever that was, or that lady. Yeah. Fuck, dude.

I mean, that's that's one of the wildest, one of the wildest. And that's just gone. You know, that's just like in the past and that feels like it was the same as the AIDS lady 10 years ago. That's not. Yeah, there was a big one in New York, Central Park. Right when BLM was really cooking. There was a lady who yelled at a black guy about a dog.

Did you just remember? I remember. I saw, she was on a podcast. She's living in Sweden somewhere super far away and just had to start a whole new life. She had to quit her job, move out of her apartment, her family got docks to, you know, they got you know, that one video, the one video, the whole thing.

And she's like, she explained her side of it. And you're kind of like, wow, we were really hard on that lady. What was her side of it? Basically that the black guy knew what he was doing by calling the cops and being and saying what he was saying and she's like, no, if you listen to the video She's like there's an African American here. Like she's even calling him an African American. She's not like does a black guy, you know, and then she said It's not my first running with that guy and that guy had a lot of other people who hated him So he was like a menace to other people, but those people were too scared to chime in because they didn't want to get killed, you know, so. I'm not saying she's completely innocent,

but I am saying there's more to the story. There's always more. New wants is the new N word. I always say because we don't like new ones. We go good guy, bad guy, that's it. You know, like Martin Luther King hated Gays. You know, yeah, he's super religious, Southern Baptist. Okay, yeah, I don't know, man. I think as soon as you've got character limits on whatever

you're going to do on the internet, you're inevitably going to tamp down the resolution that you can look at shit through, right? Totally. Like, you haven't got the spec, you literally do not have the physical space. But what that does is it creates sort of a feedback loop of people not wanting to think in anything more descriptive than 240 characters. Not only is that the platform, but it then sort of informs the style of thinking and the depth of thinking that people have.

Yeah, completely. And it's just written there. You can take it from there and put it other places. Whereas a comedy set, sure you're getting laughs and you're saying the same exact thing you might say on Twitter, but it's Lucy Goosey and there's people laughing and it's a context with Twitter, it's just right there

in the cement dried. Bro, everybody on the planet is probably 80 characters away from completely ending their life. Completely. I want to know what is the fewest number of characters that it's taken for somebody to completely destroy themselves. Well, I mean, the N word is five letters, right?

That's pretty quick. That's quick. Yeah. Maybe F-A-G is quicker, that's three. Yeah, I don't know whether you, would you get full on-canceled for the F word, do you think? If you just did that. Probably not.

You'd have to be in a context. Yeah, and you guys with the cigarettes, that might give you a little more leeway. Difficult. While people still say that like consistently in the UK. Oh, really? I'm just going to pop out. I'm from the North. So we'd say tab. Pop out for a tab instead of instead of a that one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Needy. Needy stumbled into it. Yeah. It's some retard. I think it's back. Dude, I had a fascinating conversation about the word retard. So, Moron, Kretin, Imbecile, and Idiot all had previous medical connotations.

Queen Mary, the second her two cousins were categorized as Kretins at birth, kept in this special tower, no one attended the funeral, no one knew where they went. And it just happens to be that this one were, like, it's kind of arbitrary, like, why? I picked that one. What's the problem with that one? And it seems like the reason for the problem is that it became popular.

Yeah. But you would hear, I don't know, like, creden or moron or imbecile is the sort of thing that a slightly spicy news anchor would throw around as their their form of being able to call some, you know, Donald Trump's being such a cratton with the way that he's, but no one thinks about that, even though all of the words kind of came from the same place. That is fascinating.

I think you're right. And also the short, the shortening of a word bothers people, you know, like if you say he's retarded, he's mentally retarded. People go like, okay, that's a little nicer, but if you go, he's a retard. He's shortening from all those to two syllables. Something about shortening a word, like sure there's another example,

like a homosexual, totally fine, homo, bad. People don't like the shortening. I think that it makes it feel like more of a pejorative. Yes. That's what it is. You would use the shorter version. Maybe it's also indicative of the fact that you maybe throw the word around quite a lot. Yeah.

I've got to be efficient if I'm going to say it a lot of the time. Right. Right. I guess so. But it's weird because the opposite is with names. Like you got Gregory, but you call him Greg. That's a nickname. So it's weird if you shorten a name, we love you.

If you shorten a term, we hate you. Yeah, I do want to do, I want someone to do a study where they look at what is the smallest number of characters that it's taken someone to cancel themselves on Twitter. And then you can have a chart. You could have like a leaderboard. I love it. This guy's currently running at 15 characters.

How amazing. And then someone comes in with a 14 and the whole world loses it minds. That's a fun job. That should be in the Olympics. That would spice it up a little more. The ratings aren't great. Yeah, man. So I'm pretty new in Austin though. So it's relatively getting used to everything here, getting used to the new terminology and learning how to communicate

with you guys, despite the fact that it's the same language, it's been something that's been a little bit of a learning curve. That being said, Austin's kind of subsumed my personality now, so I play pickleball. Have a nice, ice tub. Everything. I've come full, full Austin. Do podcasting shorts. Yeah. Good for you, and but you gotta remember, this is still Texas. Like, you go to New York, it'll be different, or LA, it's different culture and conversations and but you gotta remember this is still Texas. Like you go to New York, it'll be different RLA, it's different culture and conversations and words you can't say. This is still, yeah, no abortion. Speaking of that, the Karen lady that you spoke about,

I got shouted at on the pickleball court yesterday by a lady walking her dog for celebrating too loudly. She said that it was a park and it was supposed to be a peaceful place. So yeah, the Karen thing's they, they're current things continuing. They can't really complain about them asking so much anymore. So perhaps they've transmuted that under something else. I don't know. I love the irony of being a peaceful place, but she's combating with you, you know?

Like what a cunt. Get out of here. Also the, the whole Karen thing and the, uh, kind of social justice thing are starting to kind of cross a little bit. How'd you mean? Well, the Karen people are like, hey, don't celebrate like that. And then, you know, some social justice people are like,

hey, don't say that word. They're very similar. I would also say that a lot of social justice people are very similar police who they claim to hate. You know, they're policing, don't say that. You can't think that. You can't take a photo with that guy. Don't hang out with him. It's very police like. Hmm. Despite the fact that they're also trying to run that back.

Deep fund. Yes. So that's, and there's also very Trumpi, very Dictory. Like you see some lady with blue hair and she's like, hey, shut this down. This can't happen. Well, and you're like, whoa, easy sister. We're just trying to have a good time. Very Trumpi. I do wonder why, whether it's someone trying to compensate for a lack of control in their own life, I don't know. It's strange. It's strange why someone would lean into that style of authoritarianism.

I do get the sense that it's people that feel like they don't really have much control. I don't want to lean into control. Yeah. So, they tried to control everybody else instead of taking control of themselves. Yeah, and now they have this stance of like, well, I'm doing good, you know, like she's saying,

hey, quiet down, this is a peaceful place. In her mind, she's the winner, she's the morally superior. So they used that as this weird way to win. He was a just controlling. Where's Homefeu? Oh, sorry, I'm born born you're here. No, no New Orleans. I'm born born raised New Orleans Louisiana and then I've been in New York for like 15 years

Is that I can't pick up an American accents yet. So if you got is that New Orleans? I've been told I don't sound like I got a weird voice, but I don't think I sound Southern Southern's like hi y'all doing, you know, a lot of Southern, Southerners in Texas, obviously. Hi, hi, how is everybody? You know, but I don't know. I think I never liked it growing up. So I maybe subconsciously skewed away.

Why? What was childhood like? It was fine. It was weird, but I just hate the Southern accent. It wouldn't work for me, but I grew up in a weird, I had a weird upbringing. I don't the Southern accent. It wouldn't work for me. But I grew up in a weird, I had a weird, I don't know if you really want to dive into it there. All right. So when I was about eight or seven or eight, my parents got a wild hair up their ass and bought an old mansion in a poor black neighborhood. And I'm talking holes

in the floor, you know, no windows, creaky, turmites, straight cats, and the neighborhood was horrific. It was like a third world neighborhood. And we fixed it up and they made the back half of it a bed and breakfast because it was so big. This house was so big that we couldn't live in all of it and they needed income because they were fixing the place up. So we would like, you know,

have traveling businessmen and bands come through and random people coming into New Orleans. And then we got a housekeeper who is a transvestite. So not only are we living in this shitbox mansion in this horrific neighborhood where everybody hates us because we're the white family, but we have people coming in and out who are Rando people staying at the B and B

and then my nanny or whatever you want to call him, housekeeper is wearing a wig, big black guy wig, high heels and a dress while mopping. Wow. Yeah, don't worry, I've already pitched the show to eight networks and they all said no, but it sounds weird but that was normal to me. Um, were you working?

Were you somehow either the mage? Were you cleaning in some plastic? I was so young. I was going to school and then I would come home and skateboard and, you know, play, play. I would play basketball in the parlor because it was so big, I'd put a hoop up on the wall. And then he was, uh, he was, he taught me, my dad was a workaholic.

So Enis was the guy's name. He taught me how to drive a stick, he taught me, my dad was a workaholic. So Enis was the guy's name. He taught me how to drive a stick. He taught me how to fist fight. He taught me how to shave. He taught me how to put the seat up all the, so I learned how to be a man by this guy and a wig. And now I can't get an erection unless I see a picture of RuPaul. Now I'm joking. But, um, yeah, true story. But that would have been, I'm going to guess not somebody identifying as a different gender. That would have been like, whatever, 80s to 90s cross dressing. Cross dresser, that's what it was. And he would do burlesque at night with like a big boa, you know, and dancing and kicking and all that. Hmm. Cabaret is interesting, man. Cabaret is a group of people, like some of the most sexually active men in the world.

Like, I've been around a bunch of different cabaret acts. Oh, yeah. Some of the guys that go up there and do that have got all of the outgoingness that you would expect with sort of a theatrical performer. Yeah. They've got that whole thespian side, but then they've still got the super drive, a lot of them are gay. And they've got the superb drive of somebody that wants to have sex with a lot of other

people as well. Yeah, I completely, I mean, well, who's more free than those people? I mean, and we're sitting here doing push ups and trying to get a dick pump going and drinking, you know, eating blue chew. Those guys are just comfortable. I'm jealous of their comfort. Yeah, it's, it's thinking about gay relationships and the fact that there's no gay keeper.

It's like just two protagonists, you know? That's so true. It's just two people that, on average, want to say yes more than you would do in a normal heterosexual relationship. Yeah, man, that's the dream. I mean, if I was a lady, I would be so, I would be embarrassed by how hard it is to fuck me.

You know what I mean? It's like silly. Women get horny. Obviously women are super horned up and sexy and hot and they look great and bad, but it's so, you gotta like wine and dine and conversation where guys are like, you wanna go put your dick through this hole in the wall

and I'll blow it, you know, like, it's just so much, it's like he said, it's like less gatekeeping, but I get it, the women have the men are scary, we're more aggressive and all that, so they have to watch out for that, which I get. But, come on ladies, we have the clocks ticking, you know, we could have skipped this whole movie

and just eat each other out. Ryan Long's got this bit in his new act where he says I had a Trump supporter, a gay Trump supporter in the front row and it's strange, you know, because Trump's supporter is also gay, so you don't always see that. He's the kind of guy that would like to build a wall, but then put a glory hole in it. That's a great joke. Fucking brilliant joke. That's a great joke.

I love it. Yeah. That's what's great about comedy. This weird thing happened and his weird brain got cooking and he made this cake of a joke. Is the comedy scene in New Orleans? There is. It's small and it's, there's not really a comedy club there. You need a club that'll really like be the base, you know. But the problem with comedy New Orleans is it's it's already such a party city and

people go there to get fucked up, have a bachelor party, go to Marty Graud Jazz Fest. So comedy, it's like we don't want to sit and listen to a guy talk about anxiety, you know, like we want to go get shit host. And comedy is a lot of it is built through pain and all that. And I think people are there to live it up. And so they don't want to hear a non-famous person talk about comedy or talk about Uber. Yeah. Well, I suppose if you're walking down Bowman Street and you've got loud music, loud music, loud music, sad story, loud music, loud...

It's like, the sad story, probably not that competitive. Yeah, exactly. It's it's tits. You're gonna go past the tit place to watch a guy go, oh, my answer can't, you know, so it's hard to, it's hard for comedy to thrive there. There was one country music bar that I noticed on Bourbon Street in New Orleans, and I did notice that there was a significant difference in the sort of clientele between that and jazz bars on either side.

Yeah. Sure. You got to have your, every place has their embassy, you know, black, we're like, we clean towel between that and jazz bars on either side. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. You got to have your every place as their embassy, you know, black, we're like, we feel safe here and then red next like, this is our spot. And then, you know, the rest of us. Bourbon Street and Ben Yees at that place, it's open 24 hours. Yeah, they do.

That's it. Unbelievable. Very good. Yeah. That powdered sugar all over you. You look like the cocaine bear. That's the coca, that's maybe that's already's already won. Maybe it was a plant for someone to put the 75 pounds of cocaine next to him and it was actually a bunch of banyes. I just left

it. Dude, I went to New Orleans a few years ago and it was just before, 2019, just before some sort of storm came through and there was a dude, a homeless guy, you know, the steps just up and down from Cafe Du Mont, and you can kind of, like, people must jump in pretty regularly. I'm going to guess into the river. And this dude was jumping in, like, bloody hell, like this guy's kind of intense. He was sort of a homeless guy and he was talking slash verbally, fighting with these kids that were kind of taking the piss out of him. Anyway, there was a new story that went viral two weeks later during a hurricane of crazy New Orleans man jumps into river in the middle of hurricane and it was the same dude. Wow.

Couldn't believe it. There you go. I was like, this guy. Well, that's also what's great about the internet is like 20 years ago, that guy would just be a nut job. Yeah, now he's a star. Now he's a star. He's not only fans. Exactly. Speaking of that, you remembered the Kashmi outside girl? Of course. And she's now one of the number one only fans girls in the world, apparently. Crazy. Dude, that's why the female privilege, but all right.

The lady that was doing dog walking, Mr. Pivot. Ah. All of this traffic. Good point. Could have monetized it. Good point. Yeah, only fans is a beautiful thing for that reason. You know, because these ladies can really,

really have an empire. Maximize on one opportunity. If I was the AIDS lady, I would do it only fans. Right, I'd like to race play as well. Yeah, like I do African, I'd fucking African guy with AIDS, you know, fake it, but that would be fun. Have you seen, you know, Adam 22, he does the No Jumper podcast?

Yeah, big dong. Yeah. If you you seen, you know, Adam 22, he does the no jumper podcast? Yeah, big don. Yeah. If you've seen his new thing that he does, so I'm pretty sure, I'm maybe getting this wrong, I'm pretty sure he's got a podcast that's only on OnlyFans. So he's got no jumper, which is his one that exists on the normal internet. And he has another one on OnlyFans

where him and his wife or partner sit down and have a conversation with another girl, and then fuck her. Whoa. That's, that's, that's the thing. That's it. Right. So it kind of always finishes the same. It's kind of like, I know, like a really old version of Magnum P.I. or something. Oh, Scooby-Doo. Yeah.

Like, you knew it was that person all along. I know how it's going to end. Oh, that's fun. But that's the thing. So obviously, this is what's intended to be done today as well. So. All right, well, I haven't shaved back there, but that's a great idea. Boy, we live on a family, look, these times we live in, have horrific things too. You get yelled at on Twitter, you get docs,

you get this and that, but there's also some beautiful stuff going on. Ingenuity. Yes, with the good, it's like fire. You know, it could burn your house, but it could also warm your house. Why New York from New Orleans just for comedy? Comedy.

Yeah. It's, you got to, there's such a low ceiling in New Orleans for comedy. So I had to move to New York. Mm-hmm. And that's still center of America, do you think? For comedy, yes, I think so. And it's just, I've always wanted to live there. It's a cool, it's a coolest place in, in the world, I think.

And, uh, New York's kind of like a video game where you have to just keep going or you'll die. And I need that in life. What do you mean? Well, like, I moved to New York. I got mugged three times in a year. My landlord died of AIDS, shout out to the lady. And then I got bed bugs.

So it's like this city that's almost like the ocean. It's just keep trying to push you out and you gotta learn how to live on an island. How does that help with anything? That's so terrible. It keeps me fresh. I'm such a lazy cum-guzlin douche. I will sit out with my feet up and do a barrel of blow

and mushrooms and watch Netflix and order in. So I need the treadmill to be on or else I'll just slip away. Oh, okay. So you need the world to inject some difficulty into the life or else you're just going to continue to be comfortable. Yeah, that's why I got married. Totally uncomfortable. But you know, you keep trying shit.

You know, they always say discomfort is key. You get too comfortable. You just start to deteriorate. I think you're supposed to kind of choose the discomfort, though, it's not supposed to be bed bugs and a band little dying of it. I'm so lazy that I won't choose it. So I need the city to do a for me. I see, I see.

Also, it's kind of like an abusive relationship. You know, you meet these guys and they keep dating these psycho gals or you keep meeting these women who keep dating these abusive men. You're like, what are you doing? It's a little like that with New York. I just can't get away from it. You keep coming back to it.

I'm Rihanna with Chris Brown. I keep going back. Talk to me for someone that isn't, uh, I would you say, inducted into the world of performing on stage in front of a ton of people. What have you learned from bombing on stage in front of people? Because I've heard you say that you're an introvert. Yes. And as a compatriot introvert as well, the idea of not only being on stage, which I think

I've done before and I get past, but it really failing in a pretty sort of majestic way. Yeah. Um, what does that do to you as a person in terms of learning about whatever yourself or the world or insecurities? Well, it's a great question because but that's what's beautiful about comedy is it's it's real You know, it's it's much like sports where if you don't throw the ball right it won't go on the basket It's the same with comedy if it's not funny They won't laugh and if it is funny the laugh and there's something great about that reality That's what I love. But also, I'm such a nut job and I have weird thoughts and maybe my childhood,

I was outcast a lot and a weirdo and all this. Then I think stand up, you get to say your thoughts. And if you package them the right way, it'll make a room full of people happy. And I think that's what keeps me going. And I to go how how where can I get how how fucked up can I get and have them stay with me And then that's a thrilling thing and the bombing to answer your question on that I You know we're all insecure in our own way and it when you bomb it validates every sick Twisted dark thought you ever had you're boring. No one likes you. You don't deserve love You shouldn't be up here, they're right, everything they're thinking is right and you just crumble.

And so getting good at standup is being able to beat that. And then you win. But when you're talking about trying to inject discomfort in your life, that seems like about as much discomfort as I could think of. Tell me if being sat on fire. Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's pretty bad. A bunch of strangers hate you.

But you can beat it. And so you get better at standup and it motivates you to get good at it. Hmm. I wonder, have you found that it's changed your personality? Do you take anything from outside of comedy? You know, someone again, introverted, you go through these nightly for 15 years, 20 years or whatever it is, you go through all of these challenges,

and it's always this specter in the background. There's a dating show in the UK called Take Me Out, and it's where a guy comes down this lift and all of the girls press their lights, and it's sort of the fear of every man that they would get a blackout and that no girl would want them, and it's sort of that, oh wow man that they would get a blackout and that no girl would want them. And it's sort of that, permanently, on repeat, everything. Sometimes multiple times per night if you're doing spots. Yes. That has to impact, I don't know, the way you see the world, the way that you act outside

of comedy. Or how much of a crossover is there between your normal life and your stage life? They're pretty similar. I think most comics are, we're just hardwired, so young, that we can't get out of this. That's probably why we're, we have a, every comic, you know, you got the fact guy, you got the black guy, you got the loud guy, you got the quiet guy, you got the dark guy, you got the clean comic. That's all imprinted in us pretty young, I think.

So, it doesn't really change your personality. The only way it has changed is it gives you some meaning. You know, like I was always a wandering through life guy. Should I be a waiter? Maybe I'll work at a hotel. Should I be a UPS guy? Hey, a mailman? That seems pretty good.

So now I would stand up. I'm like, I have something to work towards and then you do a special and then you go, I need a new special. So then, you know, you keep she rolling that ball up a hill, and otherwise that would be rudderless. I see these guys on heroin under the bridge. I'm like, I get it.

That would have been me. If it's not for comedy, that would have been me. Totally, totally. I mean, if anything, I'd be like, working in a warehouse or something, you know, like just with a fork lift. But I get the heroin guy. There's a lot of hours in the day.

There's a lot of bad thoughts. I, you know, where opioids are through the roof. It's like the number one killer in America where we're obsessed with every other thing, except for that. I don't know why no one cares about the opioids, but it's just because, hey, I'm home. I'm sick of everything.

Let me pop this pill. I was thinking about some of the prices that comedians have to pay. I'm fascinated by the sort of unseen price that people pay for the lifestyle that other people admire. So, you know, a working comedian who has got specials and a platform and people care about what it is that you do and so on. And then this upcoming comedian, maybe even someone that doesn't understand the comedy world at all,

I've seen enough of my close friends that are working comedians now and understood a good bit about the lifestyle to know that it's not really... You have to be very, very disciplined, I think, to live the life of a comedian in a way that doesn't have a ton of potential externalities that are pretty negative. It seems like everybody in the green room

is constantly drinking. You're doing late nights, you're on the road, good bit of loneliness. Yes. I mean, your friends with Constantin and Francis from the UK, right? Oh, yeah. I'm drinking armetry. And I heard about, because the UK is sufficiently small that you can drive everywhere to do your shows, right?

So they basically describe this sort of nocturnal lifestyle permanently in cars Driving to and from when they're on the doing the circuit and maybe just a 10 to 30 minute little spot or whatever They're not actually doing full shows. They're just bouncing around the country. Yeah, same. Yeah. That's what I do And isn't that the best to me? That's the best job in the world. You get to just go places Pop in do the thing you're the best at and then leave You get to just go places, pop in, do the thing you're the best at and then leave. Does it not get lonely? I love alone, I like being alone. I like, I have a great lady at home.

She's, well, love of my life, Yadiata, but like, when I'm on the road, I'm like, ah, I'm sleeping till noon, I'm jerking off, I can eat ice cream and I need that. I like recharge and I come back and I'm whistling, walking in the door, hey, honey, good to be home. And she's the opposite. She's like, I was here all weekend alone. I wanted to kill myself, and I was like, oh, I love being alone.

I love sitting in a diner. I got a podcast going, I'm eating eggs, looking out the window, that's the dream. Good. So given the fact that it seems like you're striving to do excellent things. You want to be better at your craft, and you want to do a better hour or about a 10 minutes

or about even just the individual joke. Do you find that the lifestyle of maybe getting up a little bit later and the temptations to party and being around comedians who aren't exactly well-known for their discipline? Sure. Does that is that attention of two different things there? Yes.

Totally. Tell me about that. Well, I first of all, I used to be a janitor. I was a waiter, I was a busboy, I was a construction worker. So to me, being able to do comedy, if making it or not, making it, it's a gift. It's a privilege. I'm a lucky guy that I get to do this.

And I get to do it at this level. I'm doing these theaters now. It's mind-boggling. So I am very, just, I feel very grateful to be able to do comedy. Shit, I lost the question. Is it a difficulty? Oh yeah. And so, the, obviously I don't want to go to the gym, but I'll go for comedy, you know,

so I can keep doing comedy. Because it'll facilitate your performance. It'll facilitate your performance. It'll make you healthier, it'll make you stronger, you can do, you can work longer, you know? So, yeah, sure, I want to get hammered, but if I get hammered, it'll hurt my show tomorrow. I'll be hung over. So, I'll drink a little less. So, it's all, this is what I'm saying about.

It gives you a goal. It gives you something to work towards, and I need that. So, I've been, you know, I don't eat bread, I drink less, I don't do blow anymore or anything. So, like, I can really, I've really tamped down. I used to be an animal. So, and I'm, you know, 39, too. But this is in service of your craft.

Could totally, totally. Like Seinfeld once said, he did the show Seinfeld, and he named it Seinfeld just so it would help himself tickets on the road. It wasn't like, oh, it's my ego. I need my name on it. He's like, oh, if I put my name on it, they'll know my name. So when I go to that theater, they'll buy tickets. And that's how I feel. I'm like, I'm at the gym. I'm not like trying to get, I'm not trying to win Mr. Universe. I just

want to be healthy so I can keep doing comedy. I've been thinking for a long time about people treating their chosen pursuit like an athlete does. So if you think about how hard athletes work, totally. They're sleep, they're sleep, they're nutrition, the people that they spend their time with, they're game taped, that they watch their mindset work, maybe they're doing breath work, they're meditating, they're considering the hydration, they've got a routine, they've got a warmup procedure that they go through in advance of doing the thing that they care about. And so few people, it seems treat their thing that ostensibly is their life's calling with that same degree

of preparedness. 100% completely agree and that bothers me. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to be a dick, but I see these comics and they never write, they do the same jokes every time. They never try anything new. They they're drunk every time they go on. And I'm like, what do you expect to get out of there?

You're going to get what you put in. So like, then they go, oh, it must be nice to have what you have. I'm like, yeah, bitch, I wrote for three hours today. I worked this out. I've been slaven over this one joke for two years. You know, I'm working on it. Where were you? I did three cities this weekend. What did you do? So I hate when people get all, must be nice because I'm like, no, no, this is, it's kind of like what a fact I go, say, it must be nice to have big guns. And you're like, yeah, I do the curls. You know, you're eating pasta. So that bugs me.

But, yeah, so I think, yeah, you got to like, you hear these Kobe stories about it. He's the last guy in there and the first guy in there and da da da da da. And Dave Chappelle once said, if you're gonna do stand up, take an acting class. And everybody's like, acting class. Because it'll help your impressions,

your voices, your act-outs on stage, always try to be a little better and the things you're not good at go towards that and try to make those better and then once you fix that, go to the next thing. So I'm all in on the work hard at the thing. Think like an athlete is just a really, really good philosophy, I think. And here's the reason why I think most people don't, apart from the fact it's easy not to do it. But the line between your preparation,

what you do in advance and all of that and your performance is kind of wiggly, very messy. Like if you are a power lifter, right? That is 300 kilos, it's always gonna be 300 kilos, it's 300 kilos for that guy, it's 300 kilos on Tuesday, it's 300 kilos in fucking Zambia, 300 kilos. It's always gonna be 300 kilos. It's 300 kilos for that guy. It's 300 kilos on Tuesday. It's 300 kilos in fucking Zambia. It's 300 kilos, right?

That is nice. So you have very objective metric of failure or success. It's like if you used to pick up that in training and then you didn't on game day, what did you do? Was it your sleep? Was it your hydration? Was it your mindset?

Was it whatever it was? Nutrition, anything. But when it comes to podcasting or comedy, or pretty much anything except for sport and maybe like classical music players, I really, really thought about this to try and find like who else is trading their pursuit with that level of precision. Yeah, yeah. And very few people because of that messiness. And if you do underperform your own speech, motivational speaker or whatever, and you get up on stage tomorrow and you just sort of fund the new words a little bit and you forget your lines and it doesn't really

go down so well. And you go, well, was it because I stayed up on my phone until four in the morning? Right. Right. Maybe, but maybe not. And the criteria, you can always, there's always get out to jail free come. Yeah, because it's subjective. Yes. Subjective things always will make you less tenacious, I think, because Colin Quinn once said, a lot of comics don't like to write because writing proves you're not a genius, because you have to work on it and it's not perfect. You crumpled a paper, throw it out.

But if you go, I'll just, I'll figure it out on stage. It's just, it makes it, it makes you get out of jail free. It's like, well, I didn't work tonight, but I'm tweaking. I'm working on it. It's like, nah, nah, nah, you got to work on it. You're just trying to take a shortcut or not do anything. So I completely agree. And that's why it's even more important for a comic to be disciplined because you got to do it for yourself. Because if you can't lift the weight, Bill and go, all right, so that's exactly how strong you are. You can lift that much.

With comedy, it's like, okay, I bombed the night, but I did well last night and I'm getting better and I'm going through a lot right now. And you're like, all right, shut up, you're out. Yes, no one cares about the last performance. Like the one before this bad one, it's how well did you do this evening? Exactly, that's why we love sports. We love, okay, he got 200 points, he got 199.

He won. Yes. You know, that's why we love UFC. He's laying on the ground, he's still standing. It's easy, you know. And I think those things are getting more popular because we're getting in more of a emotional based world. I think we're living in. I like the idea of the complexity of the world

becoming more simple when you put rules to it. Yes. So within martial arts, within UFC fight, there are even within that which is ostentably like a fucking street fight that's televised and made legal. There are still rules, you know, there's an amount of time that they're there for, there's a weight category, can't need people when their heads on the ground.

You know, there are certain things, you can't bite them or kick them in the dick. Like, there's certain stuff that you can't knee people when their heads on the ground. You know, there are certain things, you can't bite them or kick them in the dick. Like, there's certain stuff that you can't and can't do. And there are also relatively, even that there's a little bit of your judges, scorecard type thing. But for the most part, it's like, if the guys on the ground and the other guys stood up

and everything was legal, he won. Whereas for almost all of the rest of life, everything's super messy. Like, how well did I do my morning routine? How good was my interaction with my kids this morning? How fantastic was my performance with my partner when we went out for dinner and how present was I with, like, it's just fucking mess. It is.

It is. That's why you need to have some rigidity in your life, just for your own self-discipline, your own, you know, self-worth even. I ran five miles a day, according to my GPS, look at that, or my step count, whatever. That's five miles. It's a hard, hard number, right? You know, you need that. You know, it's, it gets too wishy-washy with other stuff.

I'm sure that guy liked me. Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm like, well, maybe he hated you, but people give themselves too much leeway, I think a lot of things. Without that forcing function or whatever you want to call it, like the focus that you have, that everything is being moved towards, that's in service of, right?

Without that, that's why I think you get listlessness. If you don't have a thing that you're moving toward, why do the hard stuff? Exactly. And that's kind of like a brutal realization, because I think a lot of people have the capacity to do something or to put themselves through really difficult things.

Like a man with a strong enough why can bear any how type scenario. If you have that why, if you have a why, if you have no why, I can guarantee that the how is probably not gonna be done. There are very few people that can do a gogins. I've heard a rumor that he, for most of this summer was volunteering to fight fires in California

being dropped out of a helicopter. Oh, yeah. It's like a Bushman firefighter, just psychopath. That's him. Why? Because, that's rare. Why? Because. That's right. Right.

Most people need it to be in service of a thing, not just in service of being a hard motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah, completely, completely. Well, I don't even think there's a reason these type of guys are popping up. There was no Gogans in the 80s. I mean, he had like Mr. Universe or Jack Lalaine

or guys like that, but you didn't have these Andrew Huberman's, these God, these Sam Harris's who are just almost autistic these are facts, this is reality, we need to live in this world. And people are clinging to these type of people because there's like, we need it. It's like you say we're getting so loosey goosey

with everything that that's why these guys are popular, I think. Oh, because that creating Yes from the chaos completely We we we we go. Okay. I'm not crazy. I needed that, you know You're just reading Twitter. You're just like going you're going skits a frenic reading that shit There's so many opinions coming at once the news is all horrific mass shooting kids and cages Jewish space laser What the fuck's going on and then you see Sam Harris goes well? This is because of that.

And that's why people do this. And he was like, well, neurons in the brain fire. And you're like, oh, there's an answer. And there's this reasoning here. Yes. And we love it. And then Goggins is like, get your fat ass up. Get off the bean bag, Jerk.

Go do a sit-up. You come, Guzzler. And we go, yeah, I need somebody to yell at me. I got a heart on. We need it. I've heard you say that your biggest phase in unlived life. Did I say that? You did say that.

Ollie, you may disagree with yourself. I do a little. Even if you didn't say that, or even if you don't no longer believe it, how do you try and construct a life to ensure? I've heard you talk about adventures, like adventures I could drive for you and you wanna do a variety of things. Life is for a living.

But how do you keep on doing that? How do you not be, you know, you can sit back, you've got the YouTube channel and the specials and people know you and you've got huge platforms on the biggest podcast in the world. How do you not just sit back? Is it? Well, that's all over.

I got to do what's the next thing. Yeah, I was on plane today with two comics who are also coming here. And they're getting dropped off at the hotel. They're like, where are you going? I'm like, I'm going to do a podcast. Like, what? Why would you? Let's go get a drink or let's get dinner.

I'm like, I like this guy. I want to do a podcast. Oh, and they're like, oh, that's so crazy. I'm like, yeah, but you guys are going to sit and eat a taco and talk about the bears. I'm going to go talk about cocaine bear with a guy I've never met. You know, so I don't know. Let's try new things. That's the beauty of comedy is I can, I'm gone to, you know, Amsterdam and Mexico and Hawaii and all these places, China. I did comedy in China. I would never have gone there without comedy.

So yeah, let's live, baby. And there's so many people in the cubicle and the plus size wife and the kids they hate and the tiny house and they're fucking Subaru. I don't know. I want to mix it up. I think far more people than realize it would be able to achieve something great if they just had something to work up. I think far more people than realize it would be able to achieve something great if they

just had something to work toward. I agree. That's why I'm again, thankful for comedy. Speaking of China, have you seen these videos that are coming out of people protesting against the lockdown? I have. Dude, this stuff's proper harrowing. It's genuine.

Yeah, there's a really good for them. Well, I suppose so, but the fact that it's got to this stage, people have been quarantined in inside of their own flats for a hundred days, and they tied metal wire around the door handles from the outside. Why? So that people, people have literally been locked inside. They've got these drones that fly over the streets and disperse some chemicals in a desperate attempt to try and kill a virus. No idea if it works, no idea. What the chemicals are, little kids are breathing this in.

They've got these totally arbitrary quarantine areas outside in parks that are just for bank barriers. And it's just a square with nothing in it and a sign on the outside. It's just the most insane arbitrary rules. Wow. Run a mock. It's crazy.

That is wild. That's movie shit. That's terrifying. Yes. And good for them for protesting, because China is very obedient, you know, generalizing. But good for them. They're breaking free. And it's like we said before with the, the policing of words.

Like, is this really for good or justice or is this something more behind this? And I feel the same way about this. Is this really for good? The chemicals and the hair the shit on the handles and the door knob like You've gone too far. You've gone so far good. You're bad again. Yeah, you know, so think about the price that those people need to pay To do that protest, you know for all that there was protest that those people need to pay to do that protest. You know, for all that there was there was protests that happened in the US and in and in the UK and in Australia and people were unhappy about stuff. Like you weren't being tracked by they have this gate tracking AI analysis from CCTV, even without seeing your face, with about a 95% accuracy,

they can work out who you are just from the way you walk. Oh, geez. Kind of like a biophysical fingerprint of some kind, right? And that's the price that they're paying. Wow. For pushing back, you know, they're gonna have social credit for all. They've got this digital health, what's it called?

Digital health system, digital health some bullshit. And yeah, that's it, the chanting, give me freedom or give me death. Whoa, good for them. Fucking serious, man. Serious, that is serious shit, but they can't live like that, but I do feel bad for them,

because I think we talk about how harsh we are with police. I'm sure those police are just coming down with the hammer. Yeah, game over. Yeah. Yeah, that is terrifying But yeah, we can't live like this. We're losing aren't literally losing our lives And they're like, but you could die. I'm like, well, let me let me take the risk my body my choice Yeah, and I do think look I was a panic. You know, we had a pandemic and all that and maybe we're still in one But and you wear the mask and you play ball and all that, but like, there's fucking limits here, folks. Let's not, let's not overdo it.

Have you heard of frogging? Mm-hmm. Okay, so I got told about this the other day. It's pretty fucking harrowing story. So one of my friends was in a relationship with some like famous pop star chick. And he was staying at our house. While he was there, he was sunbathing.

They were away and he was sunbathing there. And this guy came through the hedge. He's like, it was fucking strange. It's a gated community, like super expensive house and stuff. This guy came through, but he was in khakis or whatever and he looked like a normal person. And he was like, can I help you? And this dude looked super shocked. He said, oh, is this not Scott's house? I'm looking for Scott. He said, no, there's no Scott here. And he says, oh, I came from next door. There's something must be, I'm sorry, I must have got confused or whatever. And my friend just had a bad feeling about it. He's like, there's something fucking, there's something up here.

Something really, really, really up. Anyway, they roll forward another couple of weeks. And he's still got this feeling in the back of his mind. Apparently he was waking up in the middle of the night. Like he felt like there was somebody in the room. He's like, I'm being crazy. I'll go back to sleep anyway. And air conditioning goes out.

So they need to get a pesky and air conditioning guy up. So Gulp stays into the attic and he says he'll never forget the body language of the air conditioning guy. Guy opens the attic door up, goes up and apparently he just saw him go like his whole body language just swam. Oh my God. This dude looks so.

They go up into the, this, this story really fucking disturbed me. Go up into the attic and they look and he, the guy comes back down with his face just white and he goes, are you sure that you've never been up there? Is this a joke? Is this some sort of a joke? And he's like, no, and he's like, I think that you probably never been up there. Is this a joke? Is this some sort of a joke? And you're like, no, and you're like,

I think that you probably need to call the police. And I was like, okay. When upstairs, what had happened was some, like, fans or whatever of this particular person had been living in the attic of the house, writing manifestos about how they were going to kill this person. Oh, creeping downstairs in the middle of the night, eating the food and then going back up. Dude. Oh my God.

For god's sake, I believe your friend was banging Madonna. So, holy shit, does that right? Yeah. Well, we got robbed a lot when I was a kid and I would wake up with people downstairs and you just know you're getting robbed and it's a fucked up feeling.

So I can, I walked in on a few robberies, you know, I'm like, nine. I don't know what you're doing on. Yeah, it's this big guy with a TV and I'm like, can I help you? And he's like, oh, I'm looking for your dad. And I was like, oh, let me go get him. And then he would just run out the back yard with a TV.

What about New York? New York's got some New York. I've been robbed in New York. Got robbed. Guy went through my window in my apartment up the fire escape, opened my window, walked on my bed, opened a drawer at all this cash. On your bed. Yeah, because my bed was in front of the window. So he opened it and walked on the bed. So I saw his footprints you're on your bed. Yeah, because my bed was in front of the window. So he opened it and walked on the bed.

So I saw his footprints and dirt on the bed. And then- Didn't wake you up? No, I wasn't home. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Crazy story. My girl was living with me at the time. She came home and she opened the door and it hit the coffee table.

He had put the coffee table in front of the door. And she's like, hey, why'd you put the coffee table in front of the door? I'm like, get the fuck out of put the coffee table in front of the door? I'm like, get the fuck out of there. I knew exactly what was going on. And then she's like, okay, she called the police, please come, the windows wide open. And I'm such an idiot or a tart or an imbecile or a moron that I had one drawer with like

six grand in it, a bunch of trums, fireworks, brass knuckles, all this dumb, all of my most prized possessions. How did all in that? 18 year old boy shit, you know, baseball cars and a playboy. And he just scooped all the cash and left. But then they caught the guy. They took one fingerprint and they caught him like six months later. Just an old crackhead guy. What a, so let's say that I'm going to New York next week actually. What are the biggest do's and don'ts for me while I'm in New York? What should I? Is there like a particular energy level that I need to be on or are there some of the biggest mistakes that I should and shouldn't make?

Yeah, I will say the, it's all ticked up. The craziness is ticked up since the pandemic. Because the hobo is ran the city, we all went indoors. So they just were running around it. And now the city's back and they're still there. So there's a real clash of of normies and hobo and the violence is way up. So I would say, have you been before? Yeah, I've been stuck in the city. Okay. I would just say, don't do the subway after midnight.

Why? Just because they, it gets cold and they go down there. And that's where the real action happens. That's like slashings and shootings and whatnot. Pushy on the track. But I've heard that you've told stories before about how you needed to do that because you were, was it Brooklyn? You lived in a hotel? Yeah.

And presumably that's the only way. I mean, you're not walking to fucking Brooklyn. No, and I had no money for it to get a cab out there. Because you know, a little time. So what do you do if you have to go? Just for hope for the best. Yeah. V for Vendent. I got mugged once on the subway. And that was my fault, actually.

I was at your fault. Well, I was shit-housed. I drank too much back then. I was blacked out. I fell asleep on the train. I woke up to a guy on his knees doing the exacto knife around the pockets. And I was like, oh, I stood up and I hit my head on the pole and I fell back down and kind of like knocked myself out.

And he was super nice about it. He was like, he was so nonchalant. Like, don't worry, the train will turn it back around. I'd gone all the way to the end, which is like, hang on, the guy that mugged you, made you feel comforted that you missed just stop. He was charming. He was like, don't worry, the train will turn around,

you'll be all right. And then he walked away. But without your wallet. Yeah, with all my shitty, my keys and everything. He's just like, hey, don't worry, you'll be all right. And I was like, thank you. One of my friends who are at the wedding in Barcelona, Barcelona is the robbery capital of Europe.

And the kids there that are playing in the street, they'll be playing football between them. And they've got a whole system there where they'll kick the ball towards you. And you know that sort of cry-f-turn thing where they jump on the ball and spin. If you ever seen players do that, to turn around, they'll do that.

And they'll be able to do that up against you and take your wallet at the same time. Wow. They did like some fucking Oliver twist style shit. Yes, yes. Right. It's elaborate. And one of the guys doesn't usually drink,

and we were at this wedding, and he, a big beard, sort of cross-fitting guy, but big sort of beard and slick over here. And he decided he just wanted to have a little nap in Basel and a train station. He woke up to find that his wallet, his phone, and his shoes had been taken from him. So you now have this big beardy guy at seven in the morning walking around Barcelona

city center, but the problem is we're staying in an Airbnb. He had no idea what the specific address of that was. Of course, it is no hotel name or anything. You can go to it. 1945, whatever, whatever, whatever, straight. So he's going up to people saying, can I please borrow your phone? But remember, we're in the robbery capital of Europe. So you have this B&D non-native,

with shoes, no shoes, walked holes in his Ralph Laurence socks like in a wedding suit. Oh my God. Just like the quintessential homeless guy that you're not gonna give your phone to, trying to fight against the exact dynamic that's just robbed him of all of his possessions. Oh, man, that's wild. How do you what happened?

He eventually went to a CrossFit gym, asked one of the guys who's like, I promise I'm the person that I say I am. This is, can you go on Instagram? That's me. And they're like, it does look like you look like a disheveled version of this guy, but yeah, that is you. Yeah. They said, can I please just borrow? you go on Instagram, that's me. And you look like a disheveled version of this guy, but yeah, that is you. They said, can I please just borrow.

So interesting, like, lessen or whatever there is, if you've got a little bit of whatever social capital, people are prepared to do all sorts of stuff for you. Sure. Without that, if you didn't have the online persona or it wasn't well known, like, what do you do then? And why is it that people are prepared to give a help, it's like an assurance of some kind, you know what I mean?

That's totally true, 100%. And man, good for your friend to have a, would you have a blue check? It's something like that. Yeah, no followers to quantify that you wasn't gonna run away with someone's, with no shoes, right? That wasn't who's gonna do.

And finally, something good came out of CrossFit. That's a first. But the blue, I used to be on all the dating apps back when I was a single guy. And the girls would be like, you have a blue check. Why are you even talking to me? And I was like, I'm a fucking douche. I'm nobody.

But they thought the blue check meant I was hot shit. You can buy it now. I know. I know. Yeah, the fun days are over, but you should have to earn it. But Elon's running out of money. So I think he's trying to figure something out. Yeah, he's got to get something working.

I've heard you say that an erection is basically an energy bar for a vampire. Oh, yeah, it's an old tweet. Yeah. Yeah. Do you believe in ghosts? No. No? Not only do I not believe in it, but I get annoyed when people do.

How so? Wow, I mean, come on, it's too convenient. Ghosts are too convenient. Oh, there's a little girl living here, and you're like, well, wouldn't thousands of people lived here from all the people who, and why is it like always a little girl? It's never like, you know, an old guy, you know? It's just, oh, a little girl.

Oh, I can feel her presence, but why wouldn't they be fucking with you more? I don't know, it's all too easy. Yeah, the same friend that told me that frogging story also told me one about where he stayed at this place in Birmingham in the UK. And he'd asked to stay in a particular wing of this sort of stately home and there's a hotel on one side that's supposed to be really, really nice. And he really wanted to stay in this other one, his manager and managed to sort him in this

room. And all manner of fucking shit ended up happening to him while he was in this room. But it's like a thatched roof and stone walls. Yeah. He goes, well, it doesn't seem like the sort of place that would have artificially. And they didn't want to let him stay. It was not, you're not supposed to stay there. That would specifically bring him bedding just so he could do it. Anyway, the doors start smashing open and closed and the windows do. And then within the next week, a ton of shit, like his whole life just fucking comes crashing down around him. Wow.

And then he's walking through Hollywood when he gets back and this gypsy lady comes up to him and says, sorry, I don't mean to disturb you. Should I turn a kids with her? There's like a, you know, you've got a dark shadow that's following you and she takes him in and does the thing and I was like, fucking hell. And this guy is like super, super rational. And again, for me, I'm very much like if I can see it, if I can't see it, I won't believe it, but...

Fuck man, I know there's something that sort of sure really freaks me out to hear stuff like that. It really freaks me out. I believe in energies and vibes and all that stuff. And you know, there's all kinds of things going on around. We're all connected, blah, blah, but I do think a lot of this is, we live on earth for so long. Quincidences are gonna happen. But, but maybe I'm a, what do you call it?

Pessimist, cynical. Are you just continuing to focus on comedy moving forward? Then that's the sole pursuit and everything gets funneled toward that. Sure, I mean, I'd like to have a family one day because to me, that's like some kind of toe and the normal pool, you know, like, my whole life is just walking around going,

act normal, do what a normal person would do right now, you know, I'm at a wedding, like, all right, don't make a pedophile joke, I just get a cup of coffee and eat some cake and shut the fuck up. So yeah, I would like to have a family and not fuck that up and make, but just continue making comedy, making good comedy and hopefully, I would like to have a family and not fuck that up and but just continue making comedy, making good comedy and hopefully, hopefully people come out and see me.

I think that the idea of having, especially as a guy now, I don't think there's as many places that affirm for masculinity and men to kind of stand, it's like what's the role? You've outsourced resource acquisition to fucking Walmart and Whole Foods. You've outsourced resource acquisition to fucking Walmart and Whole Foods, leave outsourced warfare and hunting to the police and the legal system, right?

Like the things primarily that we would have done unseicaly have kind of gone. Sure. In part, Anna, one of my friends, super successful guy, just in this relationship, he's completely smitten with this new girl of his. Anna, he was saying, it made a ton of money in his 20s. He's like, man, do you know what it is?

I realized most of my 20s were spent making me into the kind of dad that I really wanted to be for my kids. Ooh, that's nice. I was like, that's fucking great. That's heavy. It's really, really cool to think that all of the fucking ridding yourself of the juvenile ideas that you've got, and the fucking bad habits, and getting the cocaine out of the way,

the casual whatever, and the sense of ego and need, and all that shit, and you're like, oh yeah, and now I can actually be a good dad. Yeah, but I think for a lot of people, and I'm not, this is not a knock, but I think kids are a lot of people's goal. You know, we were saying we need a thing to shoot for and strive for a lot of people's goal. You know, we were saying we need a thing to shoot for and strive for a lot of people.

It's a reproductive thing. That's they're trying to build up and that's good. There's not a wrong with that. No, I think the problem comes when people who don't see their kids necessarily as a worthwhile investment have the kids and don't have anything else. Because then there's just no push forward from the parents.

And what do you create? You create an environment in which listless parents create listless case. Oh, totally. Yeah. And I think now we live in this time where there's so much modernity, it's almost like the China thing where we've given, we have so much technology, everything's so easy.

You get Uber Eats. You know, you used to have to go out and kill a thing. And now you got to, you don't even have to go get it now. You don't have to go to McDonald's. I'll come to you. So I think that is really as much as that helps us in life. I think it's hurt us too. One of my friends who I spent the weekend with had a, has got a newborn who's six months old and weighs 25 pounds and was two-year-olds clothes. This kid is huge. It's very cute and very well-behaved and very much was like, that's nice.

That's weird. At what point, something happens in men and it's happened in me where originally children are the things that your more mature male friends have that get in the way of you partying with them. Right, kids are just this fucking annoying way that shakes the etch a sketch and stops the life that you used to have. My business partner can't go out and party with me

because he's gotta look after the kids, right? Like with his wife. And then something happens at, I know like for me it was probably 30 or 32. Where was I, it went from kids being annoying to me actually looking at them going like, oh yeah, it kind of nice. I know. And it feels a bit, I don't know, it breaks it up.

Well I was at Thanksgiving, I don't have kids but my in-laws have kids and we're all at that age now and they're running around and they're fighting, and they got a fake cape on, you know? I'm super and then jumping off the couch, and otherwise we'd be sitting there going, that's cold out. It's really unseasonally warm or whatever the fuck. Or did you see that the world cup, but how about the China, with the lockdown, you know?

But they get some energy into the room. And that's kind of nice. And we did it, we had our turn. Now it's their turn. They can interrupt Thanksgiving. Yeah. We used to do that. We used to run around and scrape our knees and jump in the climate tree. And now they're doing it. Yeah. There's something strange about seeing that as a guy and remembering what it used to be like to not be so fussed about kids. Yes. Yes. And to then see them, I mean, like, I actually kind of, like, whoa, whoa, hey, like, who is that?

Yeah. Stop. At the same time, you kind of like, I know the fatherhood, if I can, he gets turned a little bit more. And you go, I can't wait to be a dad man. I really, really can't wait to be a dad. Say for you. Yeah, I'm not, I don't know if I can,

it's not, I can't wait, but I think it's exciting. Exc. Say for you. Yeah, I'm not, I don't know if I can, it's not I can't wait, but I think, I think it's exciting at the prospect. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I think it's like, oh, shit, I lost my train again. I had a good train going, run a train. I can't remember, but I think it's, oh yeah. I think it's weird that when people make fun of old people, you hear that like, oh, it's like an old bag and you're like,

but don't you want to be an old bag? You know, like we it's weird that when people make fun of old people, you hear that a lot, oh, it's fucking old bag and you're like, but don't you want to be it all bag? You know, like we're gonna be that. It's weird to make fun of a thing you're gonna be. So I think it's the same with kids. Like we all used to go, fuck kids, marriages, is stupid, antiquated idea. Maybe it is. But I think you change. Like, didn't you have a night club at some point? Yeah. When you were 14, you probably never thought I'd be running a business. Yeah. And so you just go through stages and you shouldn't sit around knocking stages that are up ahead because they're going to come.

Everybody can guarantee. There's two choices, right? Or there's two options. One of them is that you end up becoming the thing that you're currently taking a piss out of. Yes. And the other one is that you die too soon to reach it. Ah, exactly.

Neither of those feel like something that you should really be taking too lightly. Yeah. There's a, ageism. Ageism is big. The one thing that nobody steps in for. Not really, I don't. I don't ever see anyone, you know,

even the most ridiculousism of OBEA in the world, you know, there's someone out there that's gonna stand up. Yeah. I mean, you know, I'm for all of the jokes that I think are funny, like Joe Biden gets, like age is the primary issue that people are talking about and like no one wants, no one's defending that. Even the people who are on the same side of him are like, come on, the guys like fucking people who are on the same side of him are like, come on, the guys like fucking 100. I know, I think it's because it's the same way you can shit on kids, oh fucking kids, huh?

It's because we work kids and we will be old. So I think it takes a little of a sting out of it when you will be that thing. You're not gonna be black, you know, but you will be old. You couldn't say that about Michael Jackson. Ah, dollars all. Yeah, good point, good point. Well, gay, also, actually, there's a lot of these that we Michael Jackson. Ah, dollars all. Yeah. Good point, good point. Well, gay. Also, actually, there's a lot of these that we can become.

Maybe the world's as free-flowing as we think it is. Convert to Judaism. Yeah, all of the above. Yeah, it's strange to think about the whole, like, ageism and aging out thing. Speaking as well about sort of taking the piss out of it, do you know why, or one of the evolutionary explanations for why we have menopause or why women go through menopause? No. So it's called the grandmother hypothesis.

So you can imagine women contribute kids after they get to a certain age, they'll contribute kids to the tribe and you need that because you need the tribe to keep them moving forward. You need to continue to fill them as people age out and die and get gourd by a mammoth or whatever. But after a certain age, women, it turns out that it's very hard to raise kids, so you need to have parenting shared between a lot of the women and the men contribute sometimes as well. But if every woman continued to just add more mouths to feed, you would end up with more

mouths than there are energy to be able to give to them. So what you actually need is for women who still have the maternal mothering impulse and they're invested in their daughters and then their daughter's daughters, but are not adding more mouths into that pool to be fed. So the grandmother would be able to contribute to caring and gathering and helping fucking sort shit, but doesn't continue to add more children and call the grandmother hypothesis. I like it. I think that's pretty good. Yeah.

And now what does that say for Viagra though? Because we can, we, our dick stop working eventually, you know, to a degree. And you artificially give it another bit of juice. Is that, is that bad for the, for the society? I didn't know what, I mean, I guess you can wear a condom. Male sperm does decrease in terms of quality. It does decrease after a certain time. That being said, my friend who's got the baby

who was very large and pretty cute, is in his 60s. What? Yeah. Wow. Baby's perfect, super, super cute, amazing dad, amazing mum. We go, I don't know, man, like technology. Yeah, I go, I don't know man, like technology. Yeah, I guess so. I mean, look at Nick Cannon.

Who's that? Oh, who's Nick Cannon? He's an entertainer, but he's one of these guys. He's all about procreating, and I think he has 15 kids or something. And with like a, Elon's got 10. Elon's got 10.

He's another one of these procreating guys. So, I don't know. I think it's, at some point it's kind of child abuse. What'd you mean? Well, maybe Elon's obviously a zillionaire, so he can afford it. But I think, you know, you want to be able to be around for the kids, see the kids, raise the kids,

get to know the kids. But if you have that many and he work as hard as he does, it feels like it's tough to get to know them all. You're gonna spread the results a little bit to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're gonna farm it out to mom or nanny or girlfriend or whoever. Yeah.

So I don't know. I would like to have the amount of kids I can actually be there for. Yeah, I think that seems to make sense. Look dude, let's bring this one home. I really appreciate you. Thank you for seeing me before you show tonight. Thank you for having me.

And it's cool, I've been watching on YouTube, so it's. I really appreciate you. Thank you for seeing me before you show tonight. Thank you for having me. And it's cool. I've been watching on YouTube, so it's fun to talk to you. Thank you. Where should people go? They want to check out the shit you do. Where should they go? Markdormandcomedy.com for dates. And I have two pods.

We might be drunk and two Zays with stories. And I'll see you on the road. Grazella.