Modern Wisdom - #909 - Charles Duhigg - The Secret Habits Of Supercommunicators

Episode Date: March 1, 2025

Charles Duhigg is a journalist, speaker, and author. Effective communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. While some excel at it naturally, others struggle to express themselves and often get misunderstood. So, what are the best tips to become a master communicator and elevate your communication skills? Expect to learn what most people get wrong when it comes to understanding communication, the biggest differences between communicators and supercommunicators, how introverts and extroverts communicate differently, the best and worst ways to communicate as a couple, how to be more charismatic, how to get better as making good decisions and much more… Sponsors: See discounts for all the products I use and recommend: https://chriswillx.com/deals Get the best bloodwork analysis in America at https://functionhealth.com/modernwisdom Get 10% discount on all Gymshark’s products at https://gym.sh/modernwisdom (use code MODERNWISDOM10) Get 5 Free Travel Packs, Free Liquid Vitamin D, and more from AG1 at https://drinkag1.com/modernwisdom Extra Stuff: Get my free reading list of 100 books to read before you die: https://chriswillx.com/books Try my productivity energy drink Neutonic: https://neutonic.com/modernwisdom Episodes You Might Enjoy: #577 - David Goggins - This Is How To Master Your Life: https://tinyurl.com/43hv6y59 #712 - Dr Jordan Peterson - How To Destroy Your Negative Beliefs: https://tinyurl.com/2rtz7avf #700 - Dr Andrew Huberman - The Secret Tools To Hack Your Brain: https://tinyurl.com/3ccn5vkp - Get In Touch: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chriswillx Twitter: https://www.twitter.com/chriswillx YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/modernwisdompodcast Email: https://chriswillx.com/contact - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What do most people get wrong when it comes to understanding communication, do you think? I think what most people get wrong is they think that it's something that should just happen naturally. Right? That it's something that the best communicators are people who don't think about communication. But what we've discovered is exactly the opposite. If you know someone who is just fantastic at connecting with people, at communicating, and you go up and you ask them, you know, have you always been like this? Inevitably what they're gonna tell you is no. They'll say something like,

when I was in high school, I had real trouble making friends, and so I really had to like study how kids talk to each other, or my parents got divorced when I was a kid, I had to be the peacemaker between them. The thing about communication is, it's just a set of skills.

It's not even particularly complicated skills. It's a set of skills that anyone can learn. Anyone can become a super communicator, but you have to realize that there's skills and you have to practice them a little bit. And you have to commit to thinking about how you communicate to get better at it. I suppose communication is quite tightly tied to our sense of self. You know, it's the, it's our expression of who we are. So when we look at somebody that's a good or a bad communicator, that's because they are a good or a bad person.

What was the sense of self-worth comes through as well? Absolutely. I mean, that happens a lot. And of course, you can be a bad person and be a great communicator. You could be a good person and not be a great communicator. But you're exactly right. That like communication is very central to not only how we think about ourselves, but, but how we move through the world.

And what's interesting is if you think about it, communication is so communication is homo sapiens superpower, right? It is the thing that has allowed us to, to be, you know, do better than every other species, to build families and villages and towns, to pass knowledge from one generation to the next generation. And so our brains have evolved to be pretty good at communication. We have all of the stuff in our head to be fantastic at it.

And as a result, because it's so important to who we are as a species, you're right. We tend to judge people like their moral worth on whether they're a good communicator or not. And that can be a little bit dangerous, but it also means that if you want to connect with someone and you're someone who's an introvert, you're someone who has trouble connecting, it's really just a matter of learning how learning these skills about how communication works and you can form that bond.

Talk to me about the difference between introverts and extroverts. Are there advantages and disadvantages that each have? You'd sort of off the top of your head, you'd think, well, extroverts have got all of the advantages here because they're the ones that are more outgoing. They're going to have more experience. They're going to find social engagements, less energy sapping. What did you come to learn about extroverts and introverts in communication? So it turns out to answer that question, let me tell you a little bit about what

we know about the science of communication. So when I started writing super communicators, the reason why is because I had fallen into this bad pattern with my wife, which probably is going to be familiar to you and anyone listening to this, which is I would come home from a long day work. I started complaining about my day. I was working at the New York Times at that point. I'd be like, my boss doesn't understand me and my coworkers don't realize what a genius I am. And my wife would say this

very like practical thing. She would say like, why don't you take your boss out to lunch and you guys can get to know each other a little bit better. And instead of being able to hear her good advice, I would actually get more upset, right? And I would say like, you're supposed to be supporting me. You're supposed to be on my side. Why aren't you outraged on my behalf?

And she would get upset because I was attacking her for giving me good advice. It was not a good scene, right? And I think many people, all relationships have some version of this where one person wants to complain and the other person wants to solve the problem and there's conflict there. And so I was trying to figure out like why this was happening. And I went to researchers and I asked them and

they said, well, we're actually really glad that you came and talked to us right now because we're living through this golden age of understanding communication. And one of the things that we've learned by studying the brains of people as they communicate with each other is that when you're having a discussion, you think it's about one thing, right? You're talking about your day or like where to go on vacation or next year's budget. But actually, they said, if you look at someone's brain, every discussion is made up of multiple kinds of conversations. And in general, these conversations tend to fall into one of three buckets. There's these practical conversations where we're like solving problems or making plans together.

But then there's emotional conversations where I tell you what I'm feeling and I don't want you to solve my feelings. I want you to empathize. And then there's social conversations, which is about how we relate to each other and society. And they said, what we've discovered is if two people are having different kinds of conversations at the same time, they usually aren't even aware of it. But they literally can't hear each other. They literally can't understand what the other person is trying to say, and they don't feel connected at all.

But if you can figure out what kind of conversation is happening and you can match the other person or invite them to match you, then suddenly you feel connected. Even if you don't agree with each other, you suddenly feel like you have some type of connection. And it feels like a conversation. So what does this have to do with introverts and extroverts? A lot of the research that's coming out, particularly now says that introversion and extroversion is not necessarily something that we're born with or something that's hardwired into our brain. It's a set of habits that we become comfortable with. Right? Extroverts oftentimes get more opportunities to practice having conversations, to practice

having conversations such as emotional conversations, right? Or practical conversations. Or because they have practice, somebody comes up to them with an emotional problem and they try and give them a practical solution and it doesn't go well. And they say, okay, next time, next time I'm going to handle this a little bit differently, I'm gonna do better. I think one of the big differences between extroverts and introverts is simply how much time and space we have and we give ourselves to practice.

Because like anything that's skills-based, the first time you play soccer, the first time you play cricket, the first time you go and lift weights, you're not great at it. You gotta practice it. You gotta learn how to do it. And communication is exactly the same way.

What would you consider the component skills of communication if you were to bucket them together? Okay. So there's a couple of them. Um, and we should talk about what a super communicator is because I think that'll help people kind of visualize this in their head. So, so let me ask you a question, which is, let's imagine you're having like a bad day, right? Like just terrible day, you come home after work, you're like, and you want to call someone because you know, calling this person will make you feel better.

Like you'll just like, do you know who you would call? Like, does that person pop into your mind? Yeah, yeah, probably either Luke, my tour manager or George who is a friend and has been on the show 10 times. Okay, okay, so Luke and George are for you super communicators and you are, I guarantee you a super communicator back to them, right? You don't, you do it without even thinking about it.

You just know how to like, you know how to ask the right question. You know how to show that you're listening. You know how to show that you care. You know how to each of those things that you're doing with, with those two guys are skills and you might not recognize them as skills right now because they just feel so natural to you, but they are skills. And once we identify them as skills, they become fungible. We can, you can talk to a stranger the same way you talk to Luke. And if you do, it'll have the same impact that it has on Luke, which is that it

feels like you're the most wonderful person on earth. Okay. So what are those skills? So one of the things that we know about super communicators, and this is the first skill is that, and as I mentioned, we're all super communicators one time or another, but consistent super communicators, people who can connect with almost anyone, is that they tend to ask more questions, like 10 to 20 times as many questions as the average person. And some of those questions, we don't even register as questions or things like, oh, you know, what'd you make of that? Or like,

oh, did you like that restaurant? Like, like little things that just invite us into a conversation. But some of the questions are what are known within psychology as deep questions. And a deep question is something that asks us about our values or beliefs or experiences, and that can sound a little bit intimidating, but it's like as simple as like if you meet someone who's a doctor instead of saying, Leo, Oh, what hospital do you work at saying, Oh, what made you decide to go to medical school? Right. It's as easy to ask the second question as the first, but the second question, like invites them to talk about who they are. It's a deep question. It doesn't appear like a deep question, but it allows you to have a real conversation.

So this is the first skill. Super communicators ask a lot more questions and they they ask deep questions. They ask about instead of asking about the facts of someone's life, they ask how they feel about their life. It's interesting thinking about, uh, the two guys that I mentioned, because they would both, both a lot of the time drop into that. And I think there's a sense of being seen when somebody asks you a question about how did that make you feel? Because at no point are they denying the fact that you felt that you felt that you felt that you felt that you felt that you felt that you And I think there's a sense of being seen when somebody asks you a question about how did that make you feel? Because at no point are they denying the fact that you felt that way or should

have felt that way that it feels like a judgment free zone. Totally, totally. And the thing I love about that too, and I think that this is, that's a really, that's a really smart comment because what it also recognizes is when I ask you about your personal experiences, I'm asking you about something that you are an expert on. And so, so let's say we're having a political debate, and we disagree with each other, and I've got all my facts in my pocket, you've got all your

facts in your pocket. But if I ask you, like, how did you feel on election day? Like when you saw the results come in? How did you feel? You're the expert in how you feel. I can't be like, oh, you didn't feel that way. You actually felt this way, right? Like, and then when you ask me how I felt, I'm the expert in what I feel. And so instead of us trying to out expert each other and out and out duel each other, we're both coming with these authentic experiences that we have.

And it allows us to find all the things we have in common. Cause if you voted for someone that, if you voted for the person I didn't vote for and vice versa, my guess is actually that was the smallest part of that week. Right. It was, was casting that ballot. There was also like waking up the morning after there's taking your kids to school. There's, you know, talking to friends about the election. Those are all things that we have in common.

And finding that commonality really helps us also talk about what we don't have in common, which is really powerful. Okay, next skill. Okay, so first one is asking deep questions. Second skill is that once we ask those questions, we often think that it's just our job to listen to people. And that's a little bit of a misunderstanding

of what listening is. So what's interesting is that most of the time when we think about listening, what we think about is we think about remaining silent, right? Two ears, one mouth, remaining silent, listening to what you're saying. Maybe we'll nod our head. Maybe we'll like look you in the eyes and say like,

that's interesting. That's not, that's not listening. That's the first condition of listening, but you need more to actually be a good listener. And in part, it's because particularly when we're talking about something that's really sensitive or really important or really controversial or something we have feel conflict over that we disagree with each other.

There's always a sneaking suspicion in the back of our heads that you are not actually listening to me. You're just waiting your turn to speak. So what do I do to overcome that suspicion? Well, there's actually this technique. Let me give you the answer. The answer is that you have to prove that you're listening. You have to prove to the person you're paying attention.

And there's actually this technique that they teach at like Harvard and Stanford and all these other fancy schools. Wait, let me give you the answer. The answer is that you have to prove that you're listening. You have to prove to the person you're paying attention. And there's actually this technique that they teach at like Harvard and Stanford and all these other fancy schools. That's called looping for understanding. And this is what, this is what it is. There's three parts to this. When you're talking to someone and you get to that point in the conversation where like things are getting real.

Step one is you should ask a question, right? Preferably a deep question. Try and use that, you know, ask someone, how do you feel about that? What does that mean to you? Why did you decide to do X? And then listen to what they're saying in response. And when they're done answering the question, repeat back in your own words, which you heard them say. Now, the key here is it cannot be mimicry, right? This is what bad salespeople do. They just say back what you just said to them or the last thing that you said.

What it has to be is you're trying to prove to them that you're actually processing this. So it has to be something like, you know, what I hear you saying is this. And that reminds me of something you said last week, because I think they're connected, right? You're proving to them that you're thinking about what they said. And most of us do these first two steps intuitively, right? This is just like, we kind of learned this in school. It's step three that I always forget because once you've said to them, here's what I heard you say, am I getting this right? Or you say, did I hear you correctly?

You ask if you got it right. Because what you're really doing in that moment is you're asking doing in that moment is you're asking for permission to acknowledge that you are listening. And when you acknowledge that I was listening, I become many, many times more likely to listen to you in return.

This is basic social reciprocity. So that's the second skill is prove you are listening. Ask deep questions, prove you are listening through a technique like looping for understanding, or maybe just asking follow-up questions or maybe saying, oh man, that sounds so hard. I, I kind of know what that's like. I've been through something myself.

Prove you're listening. So third, oh, sorry, go ahead. No, just it, it makes an awful lot of sense that it can conversations. Bad conversations can feel like a game of tennis where everybody is just waiting that time. Oh, the ball's coming over the net. It's coming over. It's going to bounce and then, oh, no, it's my turn to hit it.

Yeah. And those aren't, that's not fun, right? Like, it's not like, and by the way, if you look at transcripts of great conversations, what you see is that they're a total mess. Like, if you have a transcript and everyone's being really eloquent, they're saying things in these really practiced ways, that's not a great conversation. It might be a great transcript, but if you were in that conversation, you'd be like, this is the most boring thing on earth. Everyone's just waiting to hit the tennis ball. earth, like everyone's just waiting to hit the tennis ball.

A good conversation is kind of messy and it's, it has these non-linear aspects and that's, that's important. That's, that's how we connect with each other. What's the third skill? Okay. So there's two more. The third skill is that you need to understand vulnerability and the role of vulnerability in a conversation. Because most people misunderstand what vulnerability is.

We, we, this word has gotten used so much. We tend to think it means like, you know, crying on someone's shoulder or talking about like when your mom was mean to you. That's not what vulnerability is. Vulnerability has a very, very specific definition in neuroscience and psychology. And it's something that our brains have evolved to do, which is that when I tell you something that you could judge, it creates a sense of vulnerability in me. Now I might tell you something where I don't care about your judgment. I might tell you that I like, um, I like Star Trek better than Star Wars.

I think it's a better ship, better plots, better acting. And you could be like, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, like, the Star Wars is definitely better than Star Trek. I don't care, I don't care if you agree with me. It's not like it's a high stakes thing, but the act of me telling you something that you could judge, it sets off a neural cascade in my brain

that creates a sense of vulnerability. And here's what we know, is that when I do that, if you don't judge me, if you choose to withhold judgment, and even more powerfully, if you share something about yourself that I could judge, then it is impossible for us not to trust and like each other a little bit more. Our brains literally have evolved to use vulnerability

as a signal as to whether we should trust other people. And that doesn't mean that like, I might agree with you. It doesn't mean that I might like think you're, you'd be a good friend. But as, as once I am vulnerable with you and you are vulnerable with me, once we engage in reciprocal vulnerability and reciprocal authenticity, we will trust each other and like each other a little bit more. Have you thought, have you looked at this from an adaptive perspective? and reciprocal authenticity, we will trust each other and like each other a little bit more. Have you thought, have you looked at this from an adaptive lens through? Yeah. Okay. So can you give me the. Oh, totally, totally. So let's, so let's talk about like why, why communicate from an adaptive

perspective, why communication is so important, why this particular trait might be even more important. So it clearly it's adaptive to be able to communicate, right? If I can, if I can, we know that societies do better than individuals and the way that I can coordinate with a society is I can talk to them and we can become, we can share goals together. So communication is clearly adaptive. But then there's this question about like, why would vulnerability be something that's adaptive instead of maladaptive something that helps us. And the answer is that once we build a society, it's very, very hard to police that society without it being really expensive.

So if if we have rules like you should not murder someone, or you should not steal, and we have to get cops on every single corner to watch people all the time to see if they're stealing. It's incredibly expensive. It's not efficient. It takes, it undoes all the advantages of the society. So what we need is we need some system where people learn the rules and they just want to live by the rules, right? They want to stick by the rules.

And more importantly, if somebody breaks those rules, they take real offense at it. In a system like that, when a stranger comes to town, I have to determine whether that stranger poses a risk or not, because I can't follow them around with a police officer for a long time. And so one of the things that happens is, if they show me something that I could use against them, if they show me something that I could use against them, if they show me their underbelly, if they admit something to me that I could judge, they're giving, they're giving me a little bit of leverage. So giving me a little bit of power. And, and that means, and if I do the same thing back to them, we've given each other.

Some power. And in that situation, we've given each other some power. And in that situation, we don't have to worry about the police keeping everyone in line because you and I now know something about each other. We owe something to each other. We've, we've taken the measure of the other person by giving them a chance to attack us. So if they're the type of person who's an attacker, we like gave

them a perfect opportunity and they didn't do it. And that doesn't mean that like everyone in that society is going to be moral and ethical all the time. But it does mean that in a very, when I need to very quickly evaluate whether you're a risk or not, looking to the vulnerability and whether it's authentic vulnerability is going to be a real test. And there's another interesting part to this, which is when people aren't authentically vulnerable, we detect it almost immediately. Can you give me an example? It's incredibly, yeah.

So like, if I say like, hey, you know, I just wanted to let you know, like, you know, I spent all this money on this yacht and like, I'm a little stressed about like, how much money I spent on it, but bro, it's a sweet yacht. Like, that does not, that's clearly not me being vulnerable. I mean, I said something that is a humble bright. It's a humble break.

I said something that you could judge. You could be like, yeah, you spent too much money, but like, so that's, that's inauthentic or if I go, if I ask you where you went on vacation, it doesn't take you long to figure out, I don't care where you went on vacation. I just want to tell you where I went on vacation so I can brag about like this cool safari I went on. Our brains- Or if you were to ask a question of have you ever gone on a vacation with your partner

and it's been emotionally difficult? Have you ever had that? Oh, totally. That's a great question. Because that was something that happened to me recently and dude, it's weird because you've got this sort of bittersweet sensation. You're away in somewhere that's so beautiful, but you and your significant other aren't really getting on.

And I don't really know. I mean, is that common? Like, has that ever happened to you? Oh, no. Like, that's an interesting one. Yeah, that's exactly. That's a fantastic, deep question. Because what you just did is you admitted

something vulnerable to me and it didn't cost you much. It's not like I think like, oh, this guy's like such a jerk cause he went on a vacation with his girlfriend. Like there's no cost to that type of vulnerability but it is authentic. You're trying to share something real and meaningful with me as opposed to trying to like send some signal. And so we're very good at detecting authenticity BS. This episode is brought to you by Function.

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We're going to link in the description below or heading to functionhealth.com slash modern wisdom that's functionhealth.com slash modern wisdom. Yeah. I think I've been pretty fascinated by parasocial relationships and, um, the parasocial relationships and the incentives for online writers, YouTubers, podcasters, you know, influencers of any kind to try and growth hack or speed run this sense of relatability and authenticity and connection. And I think faux vulnerability, sort of performative vulnerability, maybe we could call it, um, is definitely one of the places that you see this happen.

Um, and you know, it's extreme. This is kind of victimhood, pedestalization in some ways. Um, it tends to victimhood, pedestalization tends to not actually happen from the person. It tends to kind of be bestowed on them by everybody else. In a way, you don't tend to pedestalize yourself as a victim. But yeah, that performative vulnerability, that sort of tuning up of things that didn't really affect you all that much, or maybe didn't really happen, or a surreptitious way of you getting gossip in, or maybe you're trying to vent, to tell somebody something about someone else. You know, venting this, have you looked into venting much as a adaptive mechanism?

Yeah, I've looked into office gossip, but not venting. Tell me about it. Venting is so fucking sick. So venting is very much a female, intersexual competitive trait. And the reason is venting allows you to distribute gossip about a potential about a potential rival under the auspices of you being a caring compatriot. So I'm able to say, uh, Charles, I'm, I'm really worried about John, uh, because, you know, he's just like, he's sleeping with, in fact, let me, I'll pretend we're going to be, we're going to be women, so I'm, I'm Christine and

you're Charlotte. Um, so Charlotte, I'm really worried about, uh, Johanna, uh, Johanna is just, she's sleeping with all of these guys and like, I'm really worried that she's going to get hurt. You know, like I'm just, she doesn't really seem like she's being herself. And then, you know, what am I in that one

sentence, what am I telling you? I'm telling you how much promiscuous sex Johanna is having. Yeah. I'm positioning myself how much promiscuous sex Joanna's having. Yeah. I'm positioning myself as somebody who is, you know, I would never, I would never do that. I would never stoop that low. Yeah, so.

But you know, I just, I care about her so much, I have to bring it up. Exactly. So like implicitly you're derogating her fecundity and her chastity whilst positioning yours above hers. But it's culpably deniable because you're not doing it to gossip. I wasn't gossiping. Right. Like, I'm just so worried. Joanna, I, you know, I didn't mean to tell Charlotte, like I wasn't trying to like talk behind your back. I'm just so worried about you with all of this stuff. And venting, it's a very unique type of manipulative, it can be.

Totally. A unique type of manipulative sort it can be totally unique type of manipulative sort of social conversation. And what's really interesting about that, and I think this is true of parasocialism in general is- Lizamans? Parasocialism, is that how you say it? Oh, I, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Parasocialism, yeah. Is that there is something authentic happening there, but the authentic thing is I hate Joanna so much that I want to spread shit about her, right? Like, like, like, that's actually an authentic thing. And so oftentimes, when we see people who engage in performative, um, vulnerability, it's very easy for us to say, like, oh, if they're doing it for 1000s of people, it must not be real. But of course, you know, that's not true, right?

Sometimes, sometimes we say something to thousands or even millions of people, and it is very real. It's very authentic. The thing that makes the difference is. Is are you committed to saying, first of all, do you know your own mind? Do you know your own feelings? Are you genuinely committed to trying to understand what you're feeling and thinking and if that's like i hate you and i wanna smear her then like. Own that live up to that like accept that that's your goal and what you do that if you share it with other people in an authentic way if you say like look like. I really want to tell ten thousand my closest friends that like I have cancer and I'm terrified.

That's not inauthentic. That's real. But it's real because the person thought about what they're thinking and feeling. They questioned their own motives and values. And then they tried to be as transparent with the audience as possible. They weren't trying to use any subsurface. They're trying to say, I want you to understand me. So I'm going to speak to you in as clear and direct a way as I can.

I suppose there's, um, yeah, the yacht example is kind of interesting. It's almost like it. It's a something which in the wrong hands, I guess, vulnerability is something which is potentially destructive or embarrassing if, if, if put into the wrong hands, that might, vulnerability is something which is potentially destructive or embarrassing if put into the wrong hands. That might be one way to put it, I suppose. Yeah. I think that's a good way of putting it is that like, I'm telling you something that actually you could use against me.

Yeah. But if you start spreading the rumor that I bought a cool yacht, that does nothing except for, you know, it's, yeah, make me seem cool. Okay. So that's, okay. What's the final skill? Okay. So the final skill is once you're asking deep questions, once you're proving that

you're listening, looping for understanding and sort of showing that once you're, you're willing to be vulnerable under the correct definition of what vulnerability is. It's really important that we pay attention to what kind of conversation is happening. I mentioned before that there's these three kinds of conversations, the practical, the emotional and the social. And in the book Super Communicators, there's all these stories about like a CIA officer who's like recruiting overseas spies and why the Big Bang theory became such a hit because it was a flop when they made the pilot. And at the core of it is this thing that if I become attuned to

diagnosing what kind of mindset you're in, if I can just ask myself like, does this seem like he's in a practical mindset or an emotional mindset or a social mindset. Then I can just do the smallest thing to try and match you there. You mentioned that you went to your kid's graduation this weekend. Instead of saying like, just congratulations, that's awesome. I say, oh man, what did that feel like to watch your kid walk across that stage? Because clearly, this is an emotional experience for you to go to your kid's graduation. I'm just going to ask about it. When we can pay attention, just the smallest amount to what kind of an emotional experience for you to go to your kid's graduation. I'm just gonna ask about it.

When we can pay attention, just the smallest amount to what kind of conversation is happening, when we can match others and we can invite them to match us, all of a sudden our conversations get much, much better. And there's actually a scientific basis to this, which is because of again, how our brains have evolved, because communication is so important to our species. When you're in a good conversation, like this conversation we're having right now,

without us realizing it, our bodies start to match each other. So you and I are breathing at basically the same rate. Our heart rates are matching each other. Actually, even the dilation of our pupils is starting to mirror each other. And more importantly, if I could see inside both of our brains, what I would see is our thoughts are becoming more and more similar. Literally, we're using the same parts of our brain with the same type of energy.

We're moving through similar neural pathways. And that kind of makes sense that our brains should become similar, because if you think about it, when I tell you about an emotion I'm feeling, you actually experience that emotion a little bit, right? Or if I tell you about an idea, you experience that idea. So it makes sense that our brains become aligned. But what the neuroscientists that I mentioned earlier have found, and there's a guy named Uri Hassan at Princeton who's kind of the grandfather of this research, is that the more our brains become

aligned, the more we're thinking the same thoughts at the same time, the better we understand each other, the more we feel connected to each other, and most importantly, the become nerly and trained. And when we are nerly and trained, it releases this reward sensation, this cascade of neurotransmitters that make us feel good. And in part, this is adaptive because, you know, our brains want us to communicate with the people, they want us to have real conversations. They want us to connect and bond. And so when we feel good, even if we disagree with each other, we still feel good about the conversation. We still feel like the conversation was a success.

Now the thing is these three types of conversations that I mentioned, they use different parts of our brains. Right, so when I'm talking to my wife and I'm in an emotional mindset, I'm using the basal ganglia, the interior structures of my brain. And when she responds by giving me some practical advice, she's having a practical conversation, she's using her prefrontal cortex.

So it's very hard for her thoughts to become similar. If she's using the front of her brain and I'm using the interior of my brain. That's why matching each other is so powerful is because literally what I'm doing when I ask you, Oh, what did it feel like to watch your kid walk across that stage at graduation? What I'm doing at that moment is I'm activating when I ask you, Oh, what did it feel like to watch your kid walk across that stage at graduation? What I'm doing at that moment is I'm activating the same part of my brain that I know is active in your brain. And it's going to make it so much easier for us to become neurally aligned.

And then once we're aligned, we can move from emotional to practical to social and back to emotional all together. And we'll understand each other so much better the entire time. Was this what the Dartmouth study was looking at? And that's something to do with a guitarist as well. Yeah, there's a ton. There's a ton of studies that have looked exactly at this, right? Like, like you mentioned the Dartmouth study, they would have people watch

these confusing movie clips together. Um, and, and then they would actually turn off the, um off the sound. And they were oftentimes foreign movies. So the people were actually not even speaking English and there was no subtitles. And they would have people just watch these movies, these movie clips. They were super confusing. And they would put them in groups to try and have them answer these a bunch of questions. Like, what's going on in that scene X, Y, and Z? The group has to come to a consensus. these a bunch of questions like what's going on in that scene X, Y, and Z. The group has to come to a consensus. And what they found is that some of the groups

what became to a consensus faster and easier than others. And when they put them in MRIs and they showed them the clips again, what they found was that those groups that came to consensus really, really quickly, and not quickly, but not but easily fully came to consensus. Their brains all looked like each other after they had had this conversation. The first time they were watching the movie in the MRI, their brains all look different, but the conversation somehow got their brains to look similar, to remember and watch these scenes as if they were all sharing kind of the same perspective. And so they're trying to figure out why does this happen in some groups and it doesn't happen in other groups.

And Bo Sievers is the name of the researcher who did this research. And what he found is that in the groups that came to consensus, in the groups that became neurally aligned, there was at least one person who was a super communicator. There was someone who like would just ask a lot more questions than the average person. And again, a lot of the questions were like, Oh, like what did

what'd you think of that scene? Or like, you know, Oh, what'd you think of what happened next? They're just questions that invite us into the conversation. They would also do things like repeat what other people said a lot more often. You know, Jim, Jim, you had a really interesting thought that you mentioned that you thought that this one scene was about death, right? They're proving that they're listening. And in that group, people begin modeling themselves after that behavior.

So other people start so pro-social that it's set to toe and everyone else wants to. Absolutely. One super communicator in a group can cause everyone else to become nerdy and trained. And when they're nearly entrained. They hear each other so much better they like each other so much better. And it doesn't like they had people in these rooms who like were like conservatives and liberals and people who are from the south and from the north like these were people who necessarily like all. Naturally would have been friends but just putting that super communicator in the room, having them model those behaviors, it made everyone else

feel like that group came together that it clicked. And that's really powerful. Yeah. It's, um, it's interesting how one correctly positioned person can sort of change the, the dynamic of a conversation. And I often think about, I often think about, I had this idea recently about why around some people, it feels like we have so much to say and around other people, we don't feel that interesting. I'm sure that you'll have read the story about Winston Churchill's mother. Me too. Have you not heard it?

Oh, you're going to absolutely love this one. So I wrote about this on my newsletter a couple of weeks ago. story about Winston Churchill's mother meeting. No. Have you not heard this? Oh, you're going to absolutely love this one. So I wrote about this on my newsletter a couple of weeks ago. So, um, Winston Churchill's mother, I never realized she was kind of a bit of a, uh, how would you say, like a socialite type thing. Okay. Sort of a little, uh, like a Hollywood socialite type thing. She called Jenny Jerome.

So, uh, she got to dine with Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone on consecutive nights. So there was the two, the two rivals that were vying for leadership. And she got to dine with them on consecutive nights and she said, when I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought that he was the cleverest man in England.

But when I sat next to Disraeli, I left feeling like I was the cleverest woman. And it sort of perfectly explains why around some people, it feels like we have lots to say and around other people, it feels like we're boring. And I realized a lot of the time what people want, they want to be charismatic. You know, Gen Z even had to recreate it as Riz

because charisma was too sort of boomery and uncool. And everybody wants Riz. But when you actually think about, okay, so how do you become charismatic, which is sort of energetic, outgoing, extroverted like ability with sexiness, I guess, um, it's really hard. How do you make an uncharismatic person more charismatic? It's really difficult, but reverse you make an uncharismatic person more charismatic? It's really difficult. But reverse charisma, which is not trying to be interesting to other people, but trying to make them feel interesting around you, that's way easier. That's significantly easier to do.

It's way easier. And there's this quote that I'm sure you've heard from Maya Angelou that no one remembers what you said. They only remember how you made them feel. And it turns out that the, actually the science tells us that's, that's right. Like if you think back to the, a great conversation you had in the last week. And I would ask you to tell me what people talked about. You could probably come up with like two or three topics that came up and you will

remember nothing specific about what anyone said, right? Like, like when we're in a conversation, it's not like we're transcribing it. We're not paying attention to the words. What we are paying attention to. Now, if I asked you how you felt during that conversation, you'd actually be able to tell me with like surprising accuracy, how you felt at different periods in the conversation, and you'd certainly remember how you felt at the end of it. That's what we tend to remember.

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which is the same, the same sort of realization you've come to. You know, he's a guy who I think is still in academia. He did post-grad, he did a PhD, did all of this stuff. And I think maybe he did his undergrad 15 years ago, something like that. And he was on the quiz team, the quiz quiz. Oh, really? Oh, I didn't know that. I know Adam. I didn't know that he was on the apparently, uh, and, uh, he tested

himself to just remember the names of the classes that he took in his first year of undergrad, just the names of the classes, and I think he got 40% of the names of the classes. Right. There's no way I would get 40%. Like I might get one of those. Right. Yeah, exactly.

Um, and, but he said he can remember how one of the particular, uh, lecturers made him feel when he explained about some of the different, I think he threw a packet of, um, Maltesers into the, into the lecture, uh, audience and someone caught them. And then he, he talked about prediction and prediction errors. And then he talked about, uh, disobedience and obedience when the guy threw them back, when he asked. And, um, you know, he couldn't remember the name of the class, but he could remember the way that he felt.

So one of the area, you know, we've sort of talked about the deep conversations, something which a lot of people have a mortal fear over is small talk. You know, the sort of awkward elevator, the water cooler thing, the sat waiting for whatever. How can people better survive small talk? So, so this gets to this deep questions again. So I, I give a lot of speeches, right? I give speeches about, and it's usually like a room of say,

you know, a thousand or 5,000 people who are like in a trade show. And so when I'm talking about super communicators, I always start up the same way. I say, in 30 minutes, I'm gonna ask you to turn to the person next to you and ask and answer one question. And that question is,

when is the last time you cried in front of another person? And then I asked like, who's excited about this? And literally no hands go up, right? Nobody wants to do this. They just came to some conference. They're at Vegas. And now here, this guy, guy on a stage is telling them, I'm going to force you to like have a conversation, have a therapy session with this stranger who's sitting

next to you, right? Nobody likes this idea. And then I spend the next 30 minutes explaining why this is a good idea, what we know about deep questions, what we know about neural entrainment. And then we do the experiment and I ask people, and this is based on some work that Nick Epley, a professor at the University of Chicago has done,

because he's done this experiment thousands of times. And, and I asked people to estimate how much they think they're going to enjoy this conversation that they're about to have, right? How awkward they think it'll be, whether they're going to feel close to the other person. And when Nick does this, he actually has it has him take a poll on a phone. And what he finds is that people say before they have this conversation, this is going to be super awkward, right? Like, this is not, I'm not, they actually say that they might enjoy it a

little bit because like if you're sitting next to your boss, everyone doesn't mind hearing how their boss cried last time. So there's a little bit of fear with them, but it's not a huge amount of enjoyment that they anticipate. And most importantly, they do not think they will feel closer to the person afterwards. They think they will feel even more distant from them because it's just weird to talk about crying with this stranger. So then, and I do this from the stage, we do it. You turn to the person next to you, spend two minutes asking and answering the question, then you switch places, spend another two minutes, the room like fills with this cacophony of noise. And then finally, if I can get people to shut up fast enough, I asked them what that experience

was like. I asked them for a show of hands. How many people enjoyed that experience much more than you thought you would? Every single hand will go up because people are bad at estimating what a real conversation is going to feel like. So this gets to small talk. The problem with small talk is not small talk. The problem with small talk is the anxiety we feel when we go into it and the anxiety we feel about asking a deep question. And yet again and again and again,

if we ask that deep question, we will discover the other person loves to answer it. They want to hear us answer our own question and we will walk away having enjoyed that conversation. Well, I'm aware that a lot of people get worried about that level of opening up. I don't want to be seen as sort of too keen or too serious. That doesn't seem very fun. It doesn't seem very exciting, but as a, to, you know, fight the fight

as a person that likes deep conversations, uh, who likes small talk? No, right. No one, no one likes small talk, regardless of what it is. And it's people are very publicly castigating of small talk as well. Say that it's the worst thing in the world. We're talking about the weather. Somebody brings up the weather and he's like, I can't believe that's all that they had to talk about

to do the thing. Okay, so practically. But let's take the weather as an example because you're exactly right that nobody likes small talk. But you don't have to ask that. If someone brings up the weather, you don't have to ask them the last time they cried in front of another person.

You can say something like, oh yeah, it's really been rainy and you mentioned like you don't like the rain. So I'm wondering like, what, what got you to move to Seattle? Like why'd you move here since it's kind of a rainy place? Like what was it about the city that you like? And suddenly that's an easy question to ask, right? That doesn't, that doesn't seem like a deep question, but it actually is.

Because inevitably that person is going to say something like, oh, I fell in love with someone and I moved here to follow them, or I got this job opportunity and it just seemed so great, but then it didn't work out and now I'm working someplace else, small, small talk is kind of what we talk, what we, the word we use to describe boring talk, but you can transition almost immediately to something that's real and meaningful. But you can transition almost immediately to something that's real and meaningful. How can people better start deep conversations in a less awkward way?

And how can people better receive deep questions in a less awkward way? Yeah, it's a great question. So this guy, Nick Epley, I mentioned, who basically he studies deep questions. Once a month he'll get on a bus in Chicago and he'll sit down next to a stranger and his goal is to ask that person about their hopes and dreams within three questions. And when he told me this, I was like, oh, this sounds miserable, man. This sounds like, like, I don't want to do this.

This sounds terrible. And he was like, no, no, no, it's the easiest thing I've ever done because it usually only takes two questions. Like usually I sit down, I introduce myself and I'm like, hey, what do you do for a living? And they say, oh, I'm an accountant. And he goes, oh, did you always want to be an accountant? Was that your dream as a kid? And they say, no, no kid wants to be an accountant. I wanted to be an astronaut. But now suddenly he's like, oh, so what happened? Like, did you, did you try and become an astronaut? Now, now they're actually having a conversation, right? They're talking about like,

oh, I had kids and I had to raise them. And Nick can say like, I have kids too. You know, I have five kids actually. And I know it's, there's these challenges to raising kids. Now you're having a real conversation. So I think the way to start it and to respond is to ask something that you're actually curious about. When I ask you, where do you live? Basic small

talk question. I do not care where you live. It is not something I'm actually interested in. Maybe it is, right? You live in Austin and I want to learn a little bit about Austin. But if I'm asking you something that's genuinely interesting to me, like, why did you decide to move from the UK to the US? What was it about that? That's actually like really fascinating to me. That's something that could seem like a small talk throw away question. But if I'm actually curious about it, and I ask it with curiosity, we're going to be having a deep conversation within minutes. You mentioned astronauts there. Didn't you look at NASA? Did you learn stuff from NASA? What'd you learn? Yeah. So, this is one of my favorite stories from the book. So, about 15 years ago,

NASA started developing plans to build the International Space Station. And they realized that in addition to all the technical plans that came up with, there was actually this big problem that they needed to solve, which is up until then about the longest NASA mission had been about 10 days, 10 days in space. And they had basically realized you can send like the biggest jerk on earth up into space for 10 days and it's going to be fine, right? Like they're going to pick fights with their co with their co-astronauts, they're going to pick fights with mission control. They're just going to be like a pain in the ass, but it's fine. It's only 10 days. But the thing about a space station is you're sending astronauts

up there for three months or six months or 12 months at a time. And if you send a jerk into space for 12 months, he's going to drive everyone else crazy. So NASA realizes we need to start choosing astronauts, finding astronauts who have emotional intelligence. This is actually a lot harder than it sounds though, because the problem for NASA is when you make it to the final rounds of an astronaut interview, you are awesome, right? You're like, you're handsome or you're beautiful. You have like two PhDs. And most importantly, you've been doing interviews your entire life. Like, you know, the right answers to every question. And what they realize is they couldn't tell the difference between the people who were faking emotional intelligence from the ones who actually had it.

So they turned to this guy, Terry Maguire, the lead psychiatrist for manned spaceflight at NASA. And they asked him to come up with an interview question that will let them figure out who actually has emotional intelligence. And for nine months, he works on this problem and he can't come up with anything. He keeps, he tests a bunch of questions, none of them work. And then one night he's listening to recordings of old interviews with old candidates. And he knows which of those candidates went on to be really good leaders inside NASA and which kind of like washed out. And as he's

listening, he realizes the really good leaders, they're laughing differently than everyone else in the interview. So he comes up with this whole new way of doing his interviews. Now what he does is he brings the astronaut candidate into a room. They're sitting there by themselves. He walks into the room and he's holding this big stack of papers and he trips as if on accident and he spills the papers all over the floor. And then he laughs his big boisterous laugh. He was like, I cannot believe I did that. And then he pays attention to how the candidate reacts. Because everyone reacts in one of two ways.

Some people go like this. That's really silly. Let me give you a hand. And some people go, that's really silly. Let me give you a hand. And some people go, that's really silly. Let me give you a hand. Everyone knows what's going on in that moment. Right. You made a mistake by dropping the papers and then you made the mistake even worse

by overreacting, by laughing this huge kind of like inappropriately big laugh. Like we've all been embarrassed that way. And some of the candidates were like, Oh, I'm, I'm just going to pretend this didn't happen. I'm going to just help you put this under the carpet. And some of the candidates were like, you know what? I know what you're feeling right now. Like I, I know that you're embarrassed and the best way I can remove that embarrassment is I can jump in the boat with you.

So I'm going to laugh this big boisterous laugh. I'm going to match you. I'm going to mirror this big boisterous laugh. I'm going to match you. I'm going to mirror your energy and your affect. Those were the people who had emotional intelligence and those went on to be some of the best leaders in NASA's history. And it's all just paying attention to how they laugh

in an interview that makes a difference. Why do humans laugh? Did you look at this? What is it? It's really interesting. There's a guy named on Provine, Robert Provine, who's now passed away. He was at the University of Maryland. He actually studied laughter for years. He would, he would go like to malls and restaurants and hide tape

recorders so he could tape people talking to each other. And what he, what he found is that about his initial thought was like, we laugh when we see something funny. And he actually wanted to figure out what like the science of funny was, but what he discovered was totally unexpected. He discovered that 80% of the time when we laugh, it is not in response to anything humorous, right?

Like you're not a comedian. I'm not a comedian. Our friends are comedians. Like, and yet we laugh all the time. So what's happening when we laugh, when we laugh, we're oftentimes showing the other person, I want to connect with you. And when they laugh back that same reciprocity that I mentioned before, and it's because a little bit vulnerable, right? Like if I laugh, if I laugh, I'm kind of saying like, I think that's funny. And you could be like, Oh my god, you're such a jerk for thinking

that's funny. Right? So so I'm showing you a little bit of vulnerability. When you laugh back the most normal reaction, you're showing me that you want to connect right back. Laughter is how we forge connections with other people. The fact that we also do it in response to something funny is actually almost a byproduct. It's not the main function of laughter. Yeah, that's interesting. I don't know. Yeah, that's interesting. It's, I dunno, I just, what an odd sound that emanates.

Yeah. But I suppose that also explains why watching a recording of a standup set on Netflix in your house on your own versus going to a comedy club surrounded by 150 other people, the level of laughter is way different. That's exactly right. Well, and there's actually some, so I don't think someone told me this theory about the, you know, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the level of laughter is way different. That's exactly right. Well, and there's actually some, so I don't think, someone told me this theory and my understanding is it hasn't been proved out, but that there's some research behind it. Oh, my favorite, my favorite place for a theory to sit. Exactly. As yet unproven

and maybe to be replication crisis out of existence. So if there's, if, if you, if you're looking at a group of primates, there's a noise that they will make that means that there's like lion or a danger nearby and that noise sounds like laughter. And so the theory is that laughter evolved because it's inherently pro-social. It's a noise that I make to warn others of danger. And most importantly, there's a huge sense of relief associated with it. Because when I know that there's a danger out in the woods and I'm up in the trees, then suddenly, like, I actually feel a sense of relief because I'm not in danger. And so the theory is that this is why that weird noise has evolved is it

actually has these roots in this very pro-social behavior, which would also help us make sense that like, oftentimes a joke is about building up tension and then saying something funny to relieve the tension. That's interesting. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Over the span of about a year, I tried pretty much every green stream that I could to see which one was best. And I came across AG1 and I've stuck with it for over three years because it's the

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and five free AG1 travel packs by going to the link in the description below or heading to drinkag1.com slash modern wisdom. That's drinkag1.com slash modern wisdom. That's drinkag1.com slash modern wisdom. What about when it comes to couples, the potentially the most fraught, most important communication with the genesis of your story as well, what are the best and worst ways that couples communicate? So there's, there's a lot of, um, in the book, there's actually like a whole chapter about

the story that involves the growth of marriage therapy as a field of research. And one of the things that marriage therapists have found is that there's this one pattern that's basically disastrous. They call it kitchen sinking. So every couple fights, that's just totally, that's part of every relationship. Right. There's always like little like, yeah, disagreements or tension. But when some couples fight, a fight about one thing becomes a fight about everything. Right. So we start talking about like, where are we going to spend Christmas? And like within minutes, it's like, well, your mom hates me because like, and

she's not nice. And by the way, if we earned more money, we'd be able to go to Hawaii instead of right. So a fight about one thing becomes a fight about everything kitchen sinking, that is disastrous. That will make the fight toxic. And so researchers were trying to figure out why does this happen? Because it happens pretty consistently, even to like couples that like are well matched. And they found that what happens is that when we're in a conflict, when I feel threatened, I want to control something like that's just a normal response to find something to control.

And the easiest thing for me to control is you, like the person I'm talking to. So I'm going to, I'm going to do things like I'm going to attack you back. I'm going to bring up your mom. I'm going to say things like, I'm not going to talk about that. I'm going to try and control what, what, what topics are allowed. If you're upset, I'll say things like, you shouldn't be upset about that.

Like that's a dumb thing to be upset about. I'm going to try and control your emotions. That's toxic. That's where kitchen sinking comes from. So what's the solution? Well, the solution is not to say you shouldn't try and control something because everyone feels that impulse for control. That's very human.

But instead of trying to control the other person in the relationship, try and find things you can control together. Like controlling, for instance, the environment. You start fighting at 11 o'clock at night. If one person says, look, I really wanna talk about this. Can we wait until nine tomorrow morning when we both wake up and we're not

exhausted? Is that okay? Like now we're controlling the environment together. Or to say like, well, I want to control the boundaries of this conversation to say, like, let's talk about Christmas. Let's not talk about moms. Let's not talk about money. If that's okay. Like, let's just focus on making decisions about Christmas. Now we're on the same side of's okay. Like, let's just focus on making a decision about Christmas. Now we're on the same side of the table. We're controlling the boundaries of this conversation together. And the reason why this is really important, why the best couples, the best couples, it's

not that they don't fight. It's that they fight and there's no lasting consequences of it because they're basically sort of teammates finding things to control together, even if they disagree with each other. Where does that sense of team-mates-ness come from? Well, cause if you and I are controlling the environment together, we're on the same side of the table, right? Like we might disagree about like, you know, how we should raise our kids, but

we've both decided like, we're going to wait till nine o'clock in the morning. We're going to do this together. We're just going to talk about whether like Jimmy's allowed to eat like snacks after three o'clock. We're not going to talk about like how you were raised and spanking and excellent. Right now, suddenly we're kind of partners and figuring out like, what's our goal?

What's what are the, how are we going to control this conversation together and what's our goal in it? Now, the reason why I think this is really important is because it turns out the exact same thing happens online with social media. When social media goes bad, when people start screaming at each other, when social media becomes like a cesspool, it's oftentimes because people are trying to control each other. Right. You make some argument.

You say, I think guns are great. And I say, you're a moron. You're not even thinking about like all the guns that like kill kids in schools. Like, why are you a fascist? Like at that moment, what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to control you. I'm trying to force you into a box. I'm trying to force you into the fascist box. I'm trying to force you into you're thinking about second amendment, but you should be

thinking about the kids. When we try and control each other on social media, it's very, very natural. It's very natural online because we're not seeing each other face to face. It can become toxic. But if we take a step back and we say, like, look, like, I actually want to talk about this guns thing. Like, like, let's try and figure out like what aspect of guns are we talking about, then an online conversation becomes just as good as any other conversation. And in fact, there's all these interesting studies done by someone again at Dartmouth where he found that even just adding please and thank you, if one

person in a thread says, please, and thank you, if one person in a thread says please and thank you, the tenor of the whole conversation improves. Because please and thank you is a way of me showing you that I want to share control with you. As opposed to, I want to control you. Yeah. As opposed to like, I'm powerful and you're a dick. And so like, let, let me try and control you as much as I can.

What do you think online discourse has done to our expectations of communication? So it's a good question. Well, let me ask you, cause you, you're online a lot. Like what do you, do you feel like, do you feel like the conversations you have online? How do they compare to the conversations that you have offline? I'm pretty good at posting and ghosting, so I'm not maybe the best avatar for someone who gets into maybe the interesting cantankerous style back and

forth conversations that people are thinking of. I certainly know that it's done one thing, which is pretty interesting, which is it's given people a sense of surrealness when the real world doesn't reflect the world that they expected from what they learned online. For instance, let's say that you are a successful young woman and you have moved up within your industry and have managed to get yourself to a place where you feel pretty sort of competent and well respected. And you keep hearing all of these stories online about how, you know, women are oppressed

and there's rampant misogyny everywhere. And you look at your own life and you struggle to see that. And you think, well, actually, to be honest, sort of being a woman's kind of helped me in many ways. I've been given opportunities that I'm not sure I would have been given if I was a man. But the way that the discourse is put forward online, the type of conversations that rise to the top, the ones that are the most inflammatory, obviously it's edge cases, right? Edge cases are exactly what gets the, garners the most attention. Gets the attention.

It's never the reliable woman who worked her way up step by step and didn't encounter any catastrophe along the way. It's the one that had an awful predatory boss who was making them do terrible things in an attempt to try and climb the totem pole and rightly so that's newsworthy because it's interesting and scandalous, but you lose the vast majority of the bell curve, like the boring bell curve, and you just get these edge cases. But I think what that leads to, or any other highly politicized topic online. I mean, you've seen this in surveys, right?

When people are asked how many X type of people are shot by police every year, it's like thousand, thousand percent, 10,000 percent, 100,000 percent over X estimations because what is presented online and what is newsworthy, if it bleeds, it leads, doesn't necessarily represent what I think is people believe, like the number of people that get shot versus the number of people that die by cancer or something. And you're like, well, because people die by cancer every day and it's not newsworthy unless it's some celebrity or whatever. So we have this skewed perspective of how the world's supposed to treat us,

how other people are supposed to see us, different social groups, different classes, different genders, different races, different positions within society. And then when we encounter evidence in the real world, which should be the most real thing that we have that doesn't agree with what the online world told us that we should do, we end up in it massively. And, you know, I realized this when having a conversation with Frayer India, who's on Substack, uh, she does a blog called girls brilliant. And she was saying a lot of the time Gen Z gets sort of, um, criticized for. Well, this, the internet isn't the real world.

And he said, these kids are spending eight to 10 hours a day online. Then there may be spending twice as much time on the internet as they are asleep. The internet is the real world. Is real world for them. Yeah. That is the boundaries of your world. And so I think one of the things that's happening there, there's a researcher named J Van Bavel at NYU who's kind of looked at this phenomena, particularly on social media.

And what he's found is that the problem with social media and the problem with online conversations is that oftentimes they highlight one aspect of identity very, very prominently when in real life, that's one of many identities that someone contains. So the thing that we know is that like, if I knew that you were Republican, I would assume a bunch of things about you that you must be pro-gun. You must be pro-Trump. You must be anti-immigrant, right? And if you knew I was a Democrat you would assume a bunch of things about me I must be pro-trans. I must like think Kamala was the greatest thing on on earth I must like want to just tax everyone to death Whenever we see someone described as by their label Then we tend to maximize what we assume their beliefs are into that label.

Now in real life, oftentimes if I met you and I'm like, oh, I'm a Democrat, but we're like at our kids soccer game together and you know that I'm also a journalist and like, also like I like to do model rocketry and you and I ride bikes together, right? Like that one identity, I'm a Democrat and there's so many other identities around it because all of us contain multitudes that it doesn't, it doesn't shape what you assume about me. Whereas when we are on Twitter and we go to our little thing,

our little description in Twitter, it's like proud to be part of the resistance or like January 6 six was the best day ever. Like, we're actually just giving into one identity, we're giving into one label. And it makes that conversation harder. Now you asked though, what's happening to our conversations as a result of this, right with Gen Z, spending all this time online, but that the internet is there real world. So what I would say is this, there's actually a lot of

room for hope. And the reason why is this story from about a hundred years ago. So when telephones first became popular around the world, but also particularly here in the U.S., when phones first became popular, there were all these articles that appeared that said no one will ever have a real conversation on the telephone. Because up till then, every conversation had happened face to face, right? And they were like, nobody will be able to do this on the phone. If you can't see the person and make eye contact with them, if you can't hear all the nuances in their voice, you're never going to have a real conversation.

And what's really interesting is if you look at the transcripts from those early phone conversations, they were exactly right. People did not know how to use phones. They use them like telegrams. They would call up and they would say, here's what I need on the stock market. Or they call up and say, here's my grocery order. And then the other person would say, okay. And then they would both hang up.

Like there was no back and forth. There was no give and take. Now you fast forward a little bit to like when you and I and everyone else listening was in middle school. And we could talk on the phone for like seven hours a night, right? Like we loved talking on the phone. And so and they were some of the most important conversations of our life at that point. And so what what happened? What changed? What

changed was we learned how to use telephones. And, and we we we learned how to use telephones. And, and we, we, we learned how to use that technology. And what's interesting is when you are on the phone, you actually talk differently. All of us do. You will over enunciate your words by about 30% on the phone. You'll put about 15% more emotion into your voice than if you're talking to someone face to face, because you know subconsciously that they can't see you.

You need to, you need to signal. So you know subconsciously that they can't see you. You need to, you need to signal. So you actually learned a bunch of skills for phone conversations. Right now we are living through a period of people learning skills for online conversations and like we're like those, we're like that first 15 years after phones came out and became popular, right? Like it's a lot of screaming. It's a lot of like a lot of, a lot of mistakes, but it's from those mistakes that we learn.

And Gen Z these, I have two teenagers at home. I'm a dad, both my teenagers, they know how to have real conversations over text. I don't know how to do that. They have emotional conversations with emojis. Like they are, we don't need to despair for the future because we learn how to be good at communication, be good communicators. Our brains crave being good communicators and they teach us how to do it. Dude, awesome. Let's bring this one into land. What a great place to finish. I, uh, I love it.

I've been very much thinking about communication over the last few years. And, uh, I think an interesting element is how closely tied it is to our sense of self. But, um, what maybe some people have got in the back of their mind is, well, you know, it's all well and good. You saying that I can work on my communication and I can build up these skills, but I don't want to be fake. You know, I can work on my communication and I can build up these skills, but I don't want to be fake. You know, I want to be me.

And it's so funny how nobody attributes their natural God given pickleball ability to them. And if I was to say, well, you went and got a coach, didn't you? And you, you improved your dink game and you improved your serve. But did you not want to have, you know, your real, were you not worried about your real serve coming out? Like what about that? You've lost it. Your inner, your inner pickle baller.

Like you've repressed them. You've ruined it. Yeah, exactly. I started working with a speech therapist about three, four years ago, addiction coach. And one of the things that a bunch of friends said to me was, dude, I mean, you got to be careful. What if you, what if you totally lose all of the character?

And, but nobody says that about, well, I'm, you know, you're 270 pounds and you know, 28% body fat. And you go, well, what about all of that beautiful fat that you've spent all of this time building up? What are you going to put, replace it with this muscle? Really? Is that the real you? Is that, is that muscle really you?

And it's just odd, you know, and when you see it, you can't unsee it. There's certain things that we have that are very tightly tied to our sense of self, right? Our thought patterns, the texture of our mind, the way that we speak, the language that we use, the way that we enunciate. And those are the things that aren't like our waistline. And when you confuse the two, when you confuse, I mean, you get into some pretty hot water. You stop learning, right? You stop improving yourself because you assume that something is inherent or God given

or inborn or unmutable. And the truth of the matter is all of it's just skills. Can I ask you a question actually? On that, so, I mean, what's interesting about, so you moved here from the UK, right? You moved to the UK to the US. Three years ago. You're still clearly a Brit.

Like I doubt anyone bumps into you and they're like, oh, that guy grew up in Austin. Yeah. Australia, I get accused of a lot, but yeah. Okay. Okay. So do you feel like how you communicate, has it had to change since you moved to the US? A little bit because- Yeah. Well, the cultural way markers that you rely on it's, it's

interesting being an immigrant, which I am to a country that speaks the same language as you, because you forget that you're an immigrant. If I was in Mexico or Thailand, I would be permanently reminded of the fact that I'm not from there. People don't look like me. People don't sound like me.

Uh, but you, you're snuck under the radar here. me, uh, but you, you're snuck under the radar here. And, um, it's odd because you're culturally displaced. You know, if I want to use an example for a chocolate that everybody would have eaten as a kid, I can't really use Cadbury's because Cadbury's is a British brand. I can't really talk about Yorkshire tea or New Castle Brown Ale or the in-betweeners. So I have to do this weird sort of projection and I have to think, okay, what would Charles, what is the equivalent sort of ruminative

thing that Charles knows that is the parallel of the thing I'm trying to use? So you have to sort of go around the houses quite a lot. There's certain sort of lexical things. We have an interesting, uh, difference with plurals versus you guys. So, um, we would say, uh, Manchester United are having a bad season this year. Whereas you guys would say Manchester United is having a bad season this year. Um, uh, trash can sidewalk, you know, did little bits and pieces like that. Um, but I just sort of, I don't know, it's becoming more natural to me. And yeah, maybe this is what going native is like, and I'm going to have a Texan twang within the next few years, who knows. And what I love about that, about the going native aspect is that like,

it's actually like what your brain, what your brain was created to do, right? Was to make it easier and easier and easier for you to communicate. And my guess is if you went back to the UK, you would slip right back into mentioning Cadbury and the pluralizations. And if I moved there, eventually I would too. And I'd start saying lift and boot. And it's, our brains are amazingly versatile when it comes to communication. And a huge part of it is just giving it the skills that it needs and then thinking about this and working on it and being willing to experiment and practice. And then we become super communicators. I love it. Dude, so good.

Where should people go? Thank you so much. With everything that you do and write and talk about. Yeah, absolutely. So if I have a sub stack, if people want to come sign up for my newsletter, it's called the science of better. You can find a sign up for that on my email or on my my website, which is Charles do Higg.com D U H I G G. Or if you just Google the power of habits, which was the first book I wrote, or super communicators, you will definitely find my website. And actually, I have my email address on my website, and I will say, I

read and respond to every single email I get from a reader. So you may regret that after this, after this episode. Sometimes it takes me a little while. Go forth, my pretties and destroy his inbox. But I would love to hear from folks. And if you do want to buy a copy of Super Communicators, you can find it at Amazon and Prince of Nobles and most importantly, your local bookstores.

Heck yeah. Charles, I appreciate you. Until next time. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me on. I get asked all the time for book suggestions. People want to get into reading fiction or nonfiction or real life stories. And that's why I made a list of 100 of the most interesting and impactful books that I've ever read. These are the most life changing reads that I've ever found. And there's descriptions about why I like them and links to go and buy them. And it's completely free and you can get it right now by going to chriswillx.com slash books. That's

chriswillx.com slash books.