Monday Morning Podcast - 9/11 Tribute, 'Appalling' Sports Behavior, TVs Spying | Monday Morning Podcast 9-14-26

Episode Date: September 14, 2026

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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 14th, 2006, sick, six, six. What's going on? Hawaii. How's it going, man? Oh, geez. Did you enjoy your football Sunday?

You had college football. You had professional football. There was high school football. There was. people throwing footballs and the U.S. Open. There was all kinds of shit going on. I went to the U.S. Open. I went to the ladies' final and the men's final.

So I didn't get to see any football. But I did see some scores. I have to go look at some highlights. How the fuck did Michigan beat Oklahoma? I thought Michigan was going to get the shit kicked off. of them. I mean, they almost lost their cupcake game the fucking week before. That's always amazing when a big time school loses to some tune-up thing, because you already paid them like five million bucks for your roided up fucking acne back seniors to beat the

shit out of them. And then they come out and they fucking beat you and you own five. You paid them five million bucks to fucking embarrass you on ESPN. Nine, whatever. Nine. Once nine, yeah. Um, Ohio State lost to Texas, which, you know, if you're gonna fucking lose, you want to do it in September. It's so weird the way college football works like that. Like, both teams have one loss,

but you lost most recent, so you stink. And it's like, okay, I guess that's how, in Oregon lost. I mean, like, what is this? What is this? Upside Down World? My Patriots didn't get the shit kicked out of them, but, I mean, it was the first fucking, you know, would have been nice. I was talking on anything better.

I literally forgot that Seattle won the Super Bowl. That's how bad they kicked our ass. I think I blacked out during that beatdown because I was going, who the fuck do they have at quarterback? How disrespectful. A guy with the fucking Super Bowl ring? Sam Darnold, you asshole?

My apologies. To the Seattle Seahawk defending Super Bowl champion, Seattle Seahawks. I got to write that wrong on anything better this week with the one and only Paul Versey, fan of your defending NBA champion, New York Knicks. I guess we hung in there. I was doing that Pete Davidson, John Stewart, 9-11, 25th anniversary salute to the firefighters and their families and all that.

What a night that was, man. Holy shit. I don't know how they, you know, you don't think comedy show when you think 9-11, but somehow they pull it off. They have like, they had firefighters that were, you know, friends of people that died that day. they had the kids who's lost their parents. It was just, and they had them bring up the comedians, which you would think would be like,

oh, my God, this is going to be really difficult to go on after, but somehow it works. And I just think that's, I don't know, like John Stewart and Pete know how to, I don't know, like face the tragedy and celebrate, like continuing to go on or I don't know how they pull it off but it was a great night

bunch of killer comics. Crowd was awesome. I did a few stupid Trump jokes just making fun of his diet and there was this guy in the crowd just booing the whole time. It's just funny to me because you know

everybody thinks that they're tough and then not a baby. And then they just turn around and they act like babies. The exact people who are going, fuck your feelings. Now if you make fun of this guy, they're like, boo, boo.

I mean, dude, I'm literally telling jokes. I'm talking about a guy eating McDonald's every day in his 80s. I was making a joke of how fucking hardcore that is. That's what I was doing. And this guy was just booing. I don't know, man.

That guy is one of the most. fascinating people. I don't, I literally don't know what that guy. I was at a 9-11 event. The dude was lying, claiming that he got pulled out of the rubble on 9-11. And there's still people that are backing this guy. I mean, he literally got $2 billion. He got $2 billion, and you got a hat. And you think that this guy, and I'm not shitting on republic. There's nothing wrong with conservative thought, nothing wrong with being a Republican. But Jesus Christ, this is Joe Biden all over again, where liberals were just like, anything's better than Donald Trump.

Well, not a fucking warmonger with dementia. That's not better. Some politician who should be in the fucking glue factory and you ride them all the way to two weeks before the finish line and then you throw in Kamala at the last second. That was so fucking stupid. Unbelievably stupid.

So anyway, I can't believe I missed the opportunity to say to one of those baby red hat guys, hey, hey, this might sound familiar as you're booing. Hey, fuck your feelings. I thought you were tough. I thought you were a real man. You know, all that dumb shit that people think now, you know, you never see kids with broken arms anymore.

You miss that? That's what made this country great? I thought it was being a democracy. I thought that that's what made it great. kids with broken arms and fucking walking around saying the N-word. That's like the idea of these, I'm just going to go off here. This is their idea of the America that they fucking want. And they're so fucking stupid, they don't realize that this fucking guy is not on their side.

And this ice shit is his Gestapo. And he already has the vans to come up and take the undesirables. They just don't see themselves going in yet because they're racist. And they don't realize those brown people are on their fucking tux. team. And then the next thing they'll go after, once they're done with the brown people are liberals, and they'll still be,

yeah, get all the fucking liberals. And then it's just going to be them. And no dictatorship is going to tolerate you having a gun collection. I can tell you that. And then you're going to say, yeah, you want my guns come and fucking get them. Well, let me tell you this.

Five drones can take out a fucking destroyer at this point. So what are you when you're fucking shack? I mean, you can get me. but like I'm not coming after your guns. I have no fucking problem with that, but those cunts, those cunts do. And I was listening to two future cunts at breakfast this morning. I was sitting at a two top alone at my hotel. And, you know, two tops, they got them jammed together.

And this dude is on like some sort of finance job interview with this other guy. The other guy was cool. He was speaking at a regular voice. The other dude was speaking at full volume. and just talking about a lifetime dedicated to making money. And it was just one of the most astounding conversations. Like, he's just spilling his. In my high school, you know, flash drive, just ripping software.

I'm like, okay, he's admitting to stealing software. And it just keeps going and going and going. And then when the softer spoken guy starts talking, the shit that was coming out of their mouth, This guy goes, yeah, it's really exciting. This is a literal little quote. The project would be white labeled so nobody would necessarily know that it's our product.

It's like, and what are you selling? What are you selling that you wouldn't want people to know that it was your product? I'm telling you, these fucking people need to be like euthanasia. That's what needs to, euthanized. They just need to be put down in a very gentle way. These are the fucking people that when the, ocean start rising up, they're not going to be looking at the way we're all collectively

living. They're going to just start, you know, working on the inner country at altitude real estate verticals that they then can, you know, I don't know what, the opportunities, the higher ground real estate vertical opportunities, I don't know, they're going to own the air by the end of it. And we're going to be still fucking yelling at each other, depending of, like, I went to this fucking event one time out in Hollywood, and Nancy Pelosi was there, and they introduced her. They gave her a standing ovation. It's both sides.

Both sides. You're just sitting there with your jaw on the ground going, like, this woman's portfolio is worth $200 million. How much does she make a year? She made 40% in 2008? Like, at what point are you going to fight? can wake up and just stop with the red tie blue tie bullshit and just see a criminal as a criminal settling rape cases out of court it's just it's fucking unbelievable anyway i'm off my fucking

high horse let's get back to uh let's get back to uh sports here so um i was in town to do that event and the U.S. Open was going on. And me and my lovely wife got to go to the women's final and the men's finals. Thank you to the tennis channel, which I like those channels. The golf channel. I always end up on those things. I find like the golf channel is like really soothing. You know, when it's not a major, they're just playing some random fucking course. I kind of liked those better, like, even like with tennis. Like, I've always meant to go out to that Indian Wells. But I was embarrassed, man.

Like, they went and I did, they didn't have the red carpet. They had the blue carpet. And like both days, they're like, who do you think is going to win today? And I was just honest. I was like, I'll be honest, I don't even know who's in the finals. All right, I got two kids under the age of 10. If you want me to name Pokemon characters, I can do that. I know what the Savannah Banana.

baseball team is. My kids are into Michael Jackson. I've been watching all of that stuff. But like I just I can't keep up with it. So I felt stupid. But the second I got back, like the last time I went to the U.S. Open, I went back to back years.

I went 2002 and 2003. And it was like, you know, the Williams sisters, Lindsay Davenport, Martina Hingis. Remember that era? Pete Sampras was just about retired, I think,

or maybe he was, I can't remember. And then What's His Face was coming on? The guy who fucking beat all his records. I'm going blank on his name. Agassi was retiring. That fuck was... Roger Federer. Jesus Christ.

And then the other guy who came in. who won the French Open like 90 times in a fucking row. That's when I started like, I don't know, I think stuff finally started happening for me in the business. I got married, then I had kids, and I just kind of, I don't know, been writing scripts and fucking riding bikes, bicycles since then. So I felt stupid, but the second I got in there,

I mean, it's such a fucking great sport. And it's a funny sport, too. where I love how like appalled people get by like impolite behavior you know somebody like slams their racket down

everybody's like oh oh like like the two-time defending champion Sabalanka she was playing that the it was weird The other girl was not number one,

but was gonna be number one after the tournament, whether she lost or won, which was weird to me. Reba Kina, I believe is how you say her name. So, Reba Kina breaks Sabalinka's serve. And Sabalinkas, you know, an emotional player. So at the end of being broken, she took the ball and she just hit it straight up in the air. You know, I'm not gonna lie,

it went pretty far into the stands. And to just listen to all those people gasping, like, oh, oh, oh, it's just like, what are you, what the fuck? What are you talking about? This project's going to be white labeled so people won't necessarily know that it's our project. I mean, it's our product. I mean, these are these people who, the fucking main people down there are the, this is how business is done. If I didn't do it, somebody else would. our lobbyists have now said

we can have this chemical in our food and we can still legally call it organic because we've infiltrated the FDA with our own people and then they go out in public oh oh I don't know I found it hilarious but anyway it was a great match and then the next day

everybody was rooting for Ben Shelton you know I guess an American hasn't won the U.S. Open in a long goddamn time. And he was playing this German guy. I don't even know how to say his fucking name. God damn it. I didn't... This stupid fucking spell check.

I got to get this guy's name right. I have to get it right. I mean, he literally won the fucking U.S. Open. Where the hell is it? Is this what it is? Oh, no connection, because I got it on fucking airplane mode. Where are we? Okay, back to here.

Come on now. Zaveriv beat Ben Shelton. And that Zaveriv guy was just like methodical. And I felt like the shot Ben Shelton had because he's so fucking explosive and quick. I wish he came to the net more because when they were doing the baseline thing, that felt like that other guy's comfort zone.

Like he had his feet up on the coffee table. and as much as Ben was like, I don't just physically bigger, more athletic, this guy, the guy was like 6'4-6 sort of more wiry. He was just back to handling whatever Ben was sending his way. But a few times he kind of came up to the net. But even then, I felt like the guy kind of adjusted to it and was able to kind of hit around him. I don't know.

Maybe there was no, it was just his day. but it was exciting to see. I mean, it was that guy's first major win, which was cool. You know, it was funny, he was so fucking dialed in. He didn't even know he won it. He was just, like, won that point onto the next one. And then Ben took off his headband and shit, and he kind of looked around.

He's like, oh, shit, I won. It was really cool. And I don't know. I just thought, it was really cool it was definitely a I don't know I like tennis finals

with New York energy is really cool I always like to still feel there's a little bit of McEnroe going on in there because I like when they fucking you know get mad at the chair umpire you know that's what I hate about that new fucking thing that definitively says whether

it was in or whether it was out Like, when was the last time you saw, like, a really good argument? Like, at one point that Zaveriv guy who, like, OCD bounces the fucking ball like 19 times before he serves. He got called for delay a game, but they didn't take a point away. Maybe it was just a warning. But that was the only time I saw somebody approach the fucking bench there, the umpire. And it used to happen all the time. fucking Jimmy Conners

John McEnroe I mean that was like the meltdown era It was fantastic You know I remember Serena getting into it You know I used to love that shit

And I just fucking took it all away It does get It's not always the worst thing Because like You know There's a few calls in baseball that guys really got wrong and in football, that if there was replay back then,

then the poor official or the umpire wouldn't have to deal with these lunatic sports fans figuring out where they lived and giving them death threats. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with people? So maybe it's a better thing. I have no idea, but I got to tell you, dude, sit next to those two fucking,

like the one guy was selling himself to the other guy, these finance guys, like, Jesus Christ, I mean, I just can't imagine the women in their lives. I mean, I don't think I could think of any other conversation that would just dry up a fucking vagina the way these guys were talking about. And there was no empathy, there was no passion, there was no nothing. They were just sitting there just talking numbers and just talking about how to make money. Kind of like all it was was about the product, the verticals, and how much fucking money they was making.

But there was no, like, I don't know. Like, I mean, you can make money in business and still have, like, passion, can you? Like, other than just fucking making money and crushing other people, like, to be, like, proud of your product and know that it's the best. You know, like, back in the day, John Deere tractors or Cadillacs. Cuban cigars like being the best of the best or being in the argument, you know, what do you like better at Gibson or offender or whatever? People used to take pride in what the fuck they made.

They didn't just sit there talking about swallowing up. I don't know, man. You know, the way that they were talking about business reminded me of this fucking incredible movie I saw. I think it was last year, that zone of interest. And you heard the Nazis. talking about killing Jews, like discussing them, talking about a more efficient way to kill large groups of Jewish people.

And I believe that they referred to them as product or a shipment. You know, because you said, because that's what it is, is those people are not going to talk about what they're actually doing. And that's why they say white labeled. you know, this product's going to be white labeled so people won't necessarily know that it's us selling it. Like, this kind of, it's one of those things that like passes through your head

and you kind of turn, cock your head a little, like, what the fuck was that? And then they're on to the next thing. Like, what are you selling? Is it more poison? Is it something that leads to Parkinson's or dementia? Or fucking kills your kidneys? Like, these fucking people, I'm telling you.

Like, they, this is terrorist activity. treasonous activity to accept that fucking beef from Argentina knowing that it's poison I mean that's like to your own countrymen

it just fucking blows my mind and you don't get shit for it but if an athlete says something a comedian an actor like you hoard hand sanitizer as an individual you get tard and feathered but the key is dude

if you want to get away with murdering large amounts of people advertise on the CNN and Fox network and no one will ever fucking question you. Anyway, I think I've made that point about five million times on this podcast. Nobody gives a shit, Bill. Why don't you just shut the fuck up

and stick to the jokes, huh? Why don't you do that, huh? Anyway, uh, yeah, it is, it is unfortunate because I can't tell you, uh, You know, I'm in New York City. I'll be home by the time I post this.

But, you know, I'm in New York. Everybody here is fucking cool. All the regular people. Everybody's fucking cool. I'm going to be in New Orleans next week. And guess what? Everybody's going to be fucking cool there. I'm in L.A. now, when you're listening to this,

everybody's fucking cool here. It's just this small group of fucking people. Like, I literally, like, those two fucking lunatics that were just sitting next to me. the level of fucking damage that they're going to do to the American dream, just so they can be one of those fucking... You ever see? Do you guys ever used to watch that show, American Greed? My lovely wife, Nia, and I were obsessed with that fucking show. And I remember there was this one guy.

It was so funny. Like, he just, he came from nothing. I think it was the Tyco guy. And he had all of this money. And he was stealing all of this. money and the way he would appease his guilt would he but he would buy lavish gifts for um the people that worked underneath him almost as a way of like trying i guess to make himself kind of look like robin hood that you know i'm stealing from the country the company and giving it

to the people underneath me but one of the things he bought it's the funniest shit ever He bought a $13,000 umbrella stand. It's like the biggest fucking new money purchase I can think of. Like, you know, if you never had money, you know, chances are you don't fucking understand it or whatever. Barring, you know, the usual, didn't get the opportunity. But like, and that's the kind of, when you first start to make money, you buy dumb shit like that before you start to realize. Hopefully somebody tells you what an asset is. is and versus what a, oh my God, what's the other word?

Doesn't it begin with a D? See, I'm new money too. I forget what the other thing's called. With your money, you buy things that make money, and then there's other things that you buy that immediately lose their value, like a car or whatever. And I can't think of anything that would lose, it's value faster than a fucking $13,000 umbrella stand.

All right, that's going to drive me crazy now. What the fuck is it called? God damn it. An asset? Okay. Investing money. Asset versus... Not an ex...

Okay, wait a second. I know what it was. was rich people buy assets, poor people by liability. It wasn't a D. I was thinking debt. Yeah, a liability. You know what a liability is? Anything fun you buy with your money

because it just caught a boat, fucking jet ski, motorists, jet ski, motorcycle, you know. I guess some of the stuff, if you buy like classics, but then you're that douche, right? Who buys a Ferrari? You know, you buy a fucking Ferrari, and then like eight years later, you're selling on Meekam and it has like 40 miles on it.

And it's like, what the fuck did you buy it for? Like, I pulled up to this hotel one time, and this person had an open cockpit Ferrari. I think it came out last year and it was a typical they made like 400 of them and I believe you had to wear like a helmet if you drove it

it was like this speed racer car if Ferrari made it it was fucking gorgeous literally a work of art and the saddest thing is I know whoever bought that fucking is gonna turn around it

it's one of those things it's only for like super wealthy people because first of all, you can't, from what I heard, I saw this on Jay Leno's garage. He doesn't own a Ferrari because the Ferrari he wanted to buy, they wouldn't let him buy it unless he had to buy an entry level one first and then like work your way up. And Jay was like, no, I'm going to buy the fucking car I want or you guys can go fuck yourselves, which I thought was great.

And I think more people should do that, but that's not how it works. So that open-cart pick Ferrari, right? Like if you just won the lottery and you wanted to invest your money, you just buy that fucking car and sit on it for fucking 10 years and then put it on Meekam, you know, for a certain amount and then no reserve. And you would probably make 50% on whatever your fucking money is.

Jesus Christ, do I sound like those people at breakfast now? You white label purchase it so nobody knows it. your car. Okay? And then you take the verticals. You move the undesirables out of that land quadrant. However you talk around it. I have no idea. I don't understand it. Anyway. But anyway, getting back to that. Thank you to the Tennis Channel for hooking us up with the tickets. It was fucking amazing. and it was great to go back there after all of these years to At the Ash Stadium. Like last time I was there, they didn't have a roof on it. They didn't have a lot of shit.

But I'll tell you it was cool. We were walking in the hall and I saw fucking Martina Navratilova. I was like fucking grinning ear to ear. I was like, holy shit. How about that one? Can you beat that one? As far as sports legends go? Remember that?

it went Chris Everett slash Chris Everett Lloyd. She kind of took over after Billy Jean King and then it was Martina Navratilova. Then it was Steffi Graff. Then it was Monica Sellis who was about to go on a run. Absolutely dominated all the majors for like two years like fucking Tiger Woods at his peak. And then that fucking piece of shit

stabbed her in the back during a changeover or something. They were taking a break. and obviously she didn't come back to tennis for like two years, suffered depression, and had had been like an eating disorder. The whole thing fell out, like, who knows what she would have done? And then I want to say it was like Martina Hingis

and then into the Williams sisters. And then I had kids. And then I don't know what happened. So I used to be able to name all the champions in all four sports all the way back to, like when I was born, 68. And now, I don't know,

the 2000s are hard for me. So always have to, like, refresh my memory. So I was doing that today with, like, baseball. I swear to God, I don't have a list in front of me. So baseball I can do from 1966. That was Brooks and Frank Robinson with the Orioles. Then the Cardinals beat my Red Sox since 66. 68, post-MLK riots, RFK, the whole assassination.

It's so funny, they call it this summer of love and all of these people that were going to do something for the people were taken out that year. That was the Tigers. 69 was the Miracle Metz. 70 was Brooks and Frank Robinson again with the Orioles. 71 was Roberto Clemente and the Pirates. and then 72, 73, 74 was Reggie Jackson, Vida Blue, Raleigh Fingers, those amazing A's team. This was sort of like the dynasty and then the back-to-backs. Then the big red machine, 75, 76, Reggie and the Yankees, Ron Guidry and all of those guys, 77, 78, 79.

We have family, the Pirates, 80, Pete Rose with the Phillies. 81 was Fernando Valenzuela. finally getting the Yankees 1981 after losing in 7778 Ozzie Smith the Cardinals 83 was the Orioles again 84 was the Tigers

85 was the Royals 86 was another miracle Mets 87 was the twins 88 was the Dodgers Kirk Gibson 89 was the earthquake A's 90 was the Reds 91 was the twins 92 93 Blue Jays, 94 was the strike, 95 was the Braves.

Then the Yankees with Jeter and all of those guys started their dynasty. In 96, 97 was the Marlins, 98, 99, 2000 was the Yankees, 2001 was Arizona. Then the next year was the Angels. Then the next year was the Marlins. Then the Red Sox finally won it. Then the White Sox finally won it. then the Cardinals. Then the Red Sox won it again.

One of the most boring series ever against the we play Colorado. Then the Phillies won. Then the Yankees. And this is where it gets hard. 2010. These won the Giants.

It was the Giants, Cardinals, Giants, Red Sox, Giants, Kansas City, Cubs, the Cheat-N-Assros. Then the Red Sox. then the Nationals, then the Dodgers, then the Braves, the Astros, legit, then the Texas Rangers, and then Dodgers, Dodgers.

Bam! I do that for cognitive, like, memory shit, you know, because I get worried about, you know, all this shit that's in our food, getting fucking Alzheimer's a dementia. So I do that shit. And now the new new. thing that I'm doing. Did I tell you guys this stuff about like practicing? Fuck the ad reads, man.

I'm just going to keep talking. I feel like talking today. What else is new bill? Here's something for uh, uh, drummers and maybe people that play a different instrument. So I've become obsessed with being able to play what I hear in the moment. And it's incredibly not only frustrating. It's like a mystery to me. And for the longest time, I just chalked it up to, you know what, Bill, playing drums is just a hobby. You didn't get this gift. You know, you're supposed to be a comedian. That's what the fuck you're supposed to do.

But blah, blah, blah, blah. Now, a lot of that is true. But that doesn't mean that you can't still improve. So I've been doing this thing. You know, I learned for my drum teacher like, you know, sing a fill and then play what you. you just sang, which is great because you've got to try to remember what you're just saying. You've got to really sing it the way it sounds. And it's hard enough for one bar, but once you get into two bars, like, I, you know,

I forget what I sang. I lose count and all of that. But the more and more you do it, the better it is. Well, here's another thing to help free yourself up. And I don't know, did I talk about this on Thursday? I can't remember, but it is important. And I've talked to two major, like, players, interestingly enough, they both played in the same band with Jeff Beck, Vinnie Kaliuta and Tal Wilkenfeld. And they both kind of had the same philosophy as far as learning how to do something, practicing it, you know, coming up with an idea or whatever, practicing it.

and then you just, the second you learn how to do it, you don't force it into your music. You just forget about it. And then you learn something else that you can't play yet. You learn how to do that. And then you just forget about it. And they say that, you know, if you just keep doing that, eventually those ideas in one form or another will work their way into your vocabulary, which I thought was really fucking, aside from cool, was like mind-blowing.

And also, I thought it was like liberating. Like, I remember when I first started doing stand-up, if I said anything at work, anything during the day that made anybody laugh, I put, oh, my God, I gotta go do that, write it down. I just wrote everything down. So it's just this hodgepodge of ideas. But that is what you do when you first start, you know?

You don't know what you're doing. You don't know how to write a joke. So anything that makes anybody laugh, you just write down, right? And I used to ram down on these little manila envelopes when I was working with my dad at the dental office. And I used to put the x-rays in there. And I just had all of these things.

Somewhere I don't know if I ever threw them out or whatever. I just have all of these fucking ideas. But then eventually is you stop like holding on to shit. Like if I say something funny during the day, It's just, you know, how it was before I was a comedian, whatever. I said something funny, it made you laugh. I don't need to, like, hold on to it. Unless I feel like it can be expanded or, like, developed.

Like something I was talking about yesterday, I was like, wow, that's a really funny idea, but I've already forgot it. And that used to torture me. Now, I don't give a fuck. It'll come back. And if it doesn't, whatever, I'll do something else. And like, that to me seems like what these musicians were telling me about how to free yourself up.

So give that a world, a singing a fill. And then also I'm going to get back into, you know, I've always started and stopped sort of jazz like beep-up sort of drumming. And what I like about that is, you know, you keep up. and time on the symbol so that frees up your left hand and your right foot and your brain after a while when you can kind of do that on autopilot to just sort of come up with shit and I feel like that'll then work its way into being able to do that if I'm playing like rock stuff. I don't know. It's really exciting because I've been sort of stuck in what I would call

in stand-up robot mode. Whenever I go out on stage and I just go out there like, I am starting with this joke, and then that joke lays to this joke, and then this will be in the middle, and then I will close with this, you know? It's like I'm not even, I don't feel present,

and then that's when my act, it's like you put my act in a dryer, and all of a sudden 40 minutes of material takes 18 minutes. So I've learned that how my brain works is I can't go out on stage and start, with my act or else I will just get I am a comedian and I am doing my act I will go into that mode and it's unbelievably frustrating borderline you know torturous to just be in that because it's not fun it just seems like I'm a door-to-door of like vacuum cleaner salesman and I'm just saying the

memorized pitch, as opposed to if I just walk up there, I look at somebody or look at the room or just whatever I'm feeling and I just start talking about it, knowing that I have no set up, no punchline, no joke, but somehow it just ends up being funny because even if it wasn't funny, then I just make fun of myself for like it not being funny, just being like, all right, people, that's what you're going to, you can expect for the next fucking hour, this level of mediocrity. They know, whatever, something like that. They just laugh. And then I'm in.

Then I'm like, okay, I am fucking right here, right now, in front of these people. My brain has been squeegeed and here we go. And this will be fun. And if I'm having fun, they'll have fun. And then hopefully they'll think they got their money's worth. So anyways, it's all of those types of things that I've been so frustrated over the years trying to apply to play in drums. So I'm now at the beginning of that sort of world.

And it's like beyond exciting. So I wrote out this thing the other day that I cannot do on drums that I am going to learn how to do and then be able to play a fill and come back in playing that groove. And when I learn how to do that, I'm just going to fucking have the arrogance at my pathetic level of musical ability to just let it go.

You know? And it's just sort of like a Garibaldi type of beat. And then I took this thing that I learned from Brain where he was going through all these different ride symbol patterns. And one of the coolest ones I thought that I really never heard anybody do as like an ostinado. like, you know, play a couple bars of it, basically, was he was playing the offbeat of the 16th note. You know, I've heard people play the and on the bell, but he was playing the second and the fourth note of the 16th, you know, one E. People count them different, one E and ta. That's how I was.

Some people people say and da, but, you know, it's the second and the fourth before you're back on the beat. and what's amazing about it is if you play a bar of it straight, either play in eighths or even like the end or whatever, if you switch to what I was just describing, all of a sudden your brain keys in on the bell and the snare and the bass drum, it all sounds displaced when it's actually, those are, you're playing on the beat.

All right, that is some fucking drum nerd shit. All right, let's come up for air here for anybody else who doesn't play fucking drums. Let's do some reads here for the week. All right, look who it is, everybody. It's ZipRecruiter. Listeners, here's a riddle. What are Gearheads, news junkies, biohackers,

comedy nerds, and true crime-obsessed wine moms all have in common. They've heard a hell of a lot of ZipRecruiter ads. Let's face it, ZipRecruiter is everywhere. Why are they everywhere? Because great candidates for all your different roles. are everywhere. Is it me or is that a huge leap? I guess do they advertise on all of those things? Biohackers? How do you know biohackers heard it? The biohackers fucking hire each other through zip just like you. These people listen to business shows, sports shows, and yes, even this show.

There you go. There's your answer, Bill. And even when these candidates hear all these ads, it increases the chances of them going to zip. Ziprasis. And responding to to your job posts. So ultimately, you meet them sooner. Of course, you can't meet them unless you go to ZipRibbh.com. Slash Burr to try it for free. Then once you post your job,

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get a quality candidate within the first day. But you've got to go to ZipRecruiter.com slash burr to post your job for free. Once again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash burr. Oh, and if you forget where to go, don't worry. You'll hear another Zip recritup add soon enough. Well, Jesus, they're feeling themselves, huh? All right, oh, look who it is, everybody.

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you can find 20-year life insurance policies at just $276 a year for $1 million in coverage. How the fuck does that work? Well, they're betting you're not going to die. You give them fucking... What is that? 10 months, 27... Like, fucking $3,500 a year for $1,000.

20 years. You give them about 75, 80 grand. They bet that you don't die. I don't know. Anyway, head to policygenius.com slash bill burr to compare life insurance quotes from top companies and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com slash burr. P-O-L-I-C-Y-G-N-I-U-S-com.com slash Bill Burr. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's the cash app, man. Cash app can do way more than you think to make your money work fast for you. If you direct deposit at least $300 in paychecks each month and use the cash app card for purchases, you can earn interest on your savings. What?

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Oh, sorry. Bill, there's a lot of things we need in this world. You beatboxing is not it. All right. What's the most embarrassing thing about your dad? He's white and he beatboxes? All right, LGTVs.

Hey, Bill. did you hear about the LG TVs? I didn't. A group did deep dive diagnostic research into the coding of TVs. It turns out they listen, record, and transmit everything said in the room back to LG headquarters. Even if you cut off your internet connection, it'll save all the information until you reconnect and transmit it. So this means essentially anything you say and do will be held against you. Bill, we fucked up trashing the Amish, although you. years. It's not going to be fun for our kids. Yeah, well, this is all because what they're about to do to us is going to be so fucking heinous when these oceans come up and all of these people are displaced. If anybody steps out and becomes a leader to go after these lizard people that let us down

this fucking road, had all the information and knew the direction that we were going in. They don't want to be held accountable. So they're going to have all, everything you ever set in a fucking room and all of it it's it's insane the whole thing is fucking insane um and you know in a perfect world the people that made these TVs listen to you they should all be all these people need to be euthanized we need to start over again all of these people that are out here listening to you and just selling all of your shit and doing whatever the fuck you know just for money and fucking over the common man for these fucking lizard people yeah all of them All of them. It's not going to happen because it's too late. And we're just all going to be fighting

with each other until the very end. And the only justice is that the people that win are going to be sad because there's going to be nobody left to oppress and they're just going to have these robots that just do whatever they say. So the excitement is, you know, it used to be exciting to smoke wheat. You know, when you're underage, it's exciting to go drinking. Once it's legal, it's just, eh, you know, whatever. That's what oppression's going to turn into, like legalized weed. Like, where is the thrill? Um, none of that is surprising. None of that is surprising. But all you have to just say is whatever they say that you said, you just say fake news. That's what our leader, our furor, is doing, so why not?

All right. Swimming in the Pacific. Oh, God, this is more of these ocean ones, man. I love these stories because it's just fucking the balls. Just even like people that surf. The fucking balls it takes to be a surfer. You're swimming out there. I mean, a couple times a year,

somebody gets fucking eaten by a shark taken as they say in Australia. You know, you get a chunk of your leg taken out of it best or you lose a limb. Like the balls that these guys have, right? These men and women. And they out there in their surfboards. And then forget about, you know, you get on a wave too big and you wipe out and you go under and you almost drown or you do drown. I mean, just what the fuck?

That's just surfing. That's just having fun. Forget about when you get into the military and people out there trying to sink the ship you're on. Oh, my God. All right. Swimming in the Pacific. My dad was a lieutenant commander on an LST in World War II

and couldn't swim. Years later, he was taking swimming lessons, and I asked him if while in the war, did he ever think about not being able to swim? He told me that if you're in the middle of the Pacific and the waves are 20 to 30 feet high and your thousands of miles from the shore in cold water, do you really think swimming is going to help you?

Love the pod and go fuck yourself. I know. It's actually just going to keep you around long enough to maybe get eaten by a shark. You just kind of want to drown or hypothermia. Oh my God. I mean, if you're out there in the middle of the ocean, like that guy's dad just said, I mean, you might as well be in outer space.

That's how I felt when I was on that cruise ship. I was just as far as like considering myself still in show business. It's like when I did the cruise ships, it was like no internet. I mean, you were just gone. You were fucking out to sea like you joined the merchant marines. Except they had a water slide. All right, senseless in San Francisco. Okay.

Let's see here. Oh, my God, it keeps going back to the top here. I keep doing that thing that you guys told me to stop doing, and I keep doing it. Senseless in San Francisco. This almost sounds like, you know, a Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan reboot. Sleepless in Seattle, then they find each other, and then they lose their loves, and they move to San.

They're senseless in San Francisco, and then the third act. They're just like, why don't we go back to Seattle where it all began? And then they have a good time, and they're back together. romantic comedy boom all right hi bill i need your help because i'm an idiot with excellent taste in men all right that was like a somersault i need your help because i'm an idiot with excellent taste in men okay this is fascinating already four months ago i started seeing a guy and we had an amazing connection insane sexual chemistry and shared interest and values he broke up with me because he quote doesn't see the happily ever after.

Then clarified that I'm amazing and smoking hot and he still wants me in his life. Yeah, isn't that text? That's a fuck boy. Okay. After breakup, number one, he went back to texting as if nothing happened, which inspired me to ask for a no contact period.

Good for you. That was all fine and well until we both were back in San Francisco, met up at a cafe to catch up, then ended up sleeping together back at his place. This is what he wants. So we had to break up again. Yeah, he just, you know, he likes fucking you.

If you're okay with that and you like fucking him, then do that. But if you're looking for something more, you've got to lose this person. Anyway, since then, I've been doing everything the dating columns tell you not to do. I said I was angry

and that he's throwing away something good. he agreed we have something good oh this guy's the worst i know it's not you it's me oh but i think you're hard i and you keep going back but i got to be honest with you this is not a him problem this is a you problem which i think you know which is why you're writing in okay you just have to understand that there's people out there that are not good people. And you're sort of taking on like, why is this piece of shit? Why am I not worthy of this piece of shit?

Like you're doing something wrong. I imagine this is what this guy is doing to every woman. So you should just move on. Anyway, since then I've been doing everything the dating columns tell you not to do. I said I was angry and then he's throwing away something good. He agreed we have something good. told him I love him, which I'm pretty sure is the equivalent of a nail in the coffin with

regard to my chances of getting him back. Why do you want this person back? You're smoking hot, you're great in bed. To read this, you're smart. Go find somebody that likes you, loves your back. He said, I've also seduced him back into bed more than once, which forced another breakup. I'm losing count. Yeah, you're in your ego. You're in your ego. You're kind of like, why doesn't he want? You, for some reason, seem like you can't accept that this person doesn't want you. It has nothing to do with you.

This guy sounds like a jerk-off to me, and he's using you. So why would you want a jerk-off that uses you in your life? Anyway, the person goes on to say, I know exactly what I'm dealing with. We're both in our early 40s. He's a serial dater. His longest relationship was in his 20s. Yeah, so, yeah, he basically learned how to get laid without getting sucked into a relationship.

But he still, you know what, he doesn't, because he still does that, you know, he allowed you to, you know, have feelings for him, to love him. So he still doesn't know what he's doing. He should just be straight up honest, just be like, listen, you want to have fun? You know, I'll take you out somewhere nice. We'll have great sex.

Everything's been great, but I have no interest in being in a relationship. So I want to say that up front because I don't want anybody getting hurt. And then he's got to be comfortable with you walking away or not. That's what he should have done. Anyway, so his longest relationship was in his 20s. I mean, Jesus Christ, the amount of red flags are ready. He's allergic to work. That's in quotes.

What kind of work? relationship work? I've been married before, so I know relationships take effort. I feel like he's opting out of that. He hasn't given me a better reason. We spent 10 days living together, cooking, exploring a new city,

ridiculous amounts of sex. He agrees it was amazing, yet he won't budge on his decision. He's stubborn, so I doubt me arguing with him is helping at all. Yeah, to not be in this, I know what it's like to be in something like that.

but, you know, to not be in, you know, when you're in it, you can't, like, see the trees through the forest, whatever they say. The forest through the trees, whatever the fucking expression goes. When you're outside of it, everybody listens is like, you need to break up with this guy. Which brings me here. As my grand finale, I'm emailing you his favorite comedian for your advice. We've listened to your show together on more than one occasion. He'll 100% hear this episode and know it's about him. So, Bill, how fucked am I?

100%. sincerely senseless in San Francisco. Yeah, you're 100% fucked. This guy's a fuck boy who's pretending he's a nice person. He isn't. He uses women. He likes to fuck, which is what he should say.

I like to fuck women. I don't want to be there for you emotionally. So if you want to come over here, I'll make you a dinner, we'll have great sex. And, you know, I'll have on my fucking dress shirt with my initials on the fucking sleeve collar or whatever if he's that fucking guy.

That's great. But if you're actually looking for a relationship, this is, you know, it's stupid. I know guys like this. And the thing that they say is like, no, I'm totally open to marriage if I find your right woman.

That's what they say to keep you, he's open to it. What am I doing wrong? How can I be the one that he chooses? It's just like, it's all bullshit. It's all bullshit, you know? And then when you criticize them, they just agree with you

because they've mastered the art of not getting... You know, you're just like a selfish person. You know, I think you're right. I just... I'm too selfish to be in a relation... I deserve more. You do deserve more. And they just like... They let you break up with them agreeing the whole time

so there's no argument or whatever. They're just masters of... no commitment. And they do it with like, the worst is they do it this way where they act like this information you're giving them is new. Like, yeah, I guess you're right.

Like, they're not dumb enough to speak with like that, but what they're saying is so fucking, they know exactly what they're doing. And they're just playing dumb. And they let you hang around, and they fuck you until you figure it out. And then when you figure out what a piece of shit they are, they then just agree with you,

which hastens the breakup. There's no screaming and yelling. And they just seamlessly walk on to the next person. Yeah, this guy is a complete waste of time. All right. Is she the one? He's a complete waste of time if you're looking to get married. Is she the one?

Dear Jim Bod Bill. I'm working on it, man. I'm working on it. At a difficult part of my life. I'm at a difficult part in my life. And I really could use advice, the advice of someone who knows it all. Oh, that was all dripping with sarcasm.

Ten years ago when I was 18, I started a relationship with the woman who was 12 years, my senior. Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs. Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me? The woman was the Filipino nurse of my grandfather. Is this a porno? You were 18 and you banged a 30-year-old Filipino nurse. Who was taking care of your grandfather?

Was there a saxophone playing in the background? Who at the time was suffering from a stroke. I didn't think it would lead to anything serious as she was my first girlfriend and the woman I lost my virginity. Oh my God. However, I knocked her up and became a father before I was 20. All right, time out, time out, time out. Time out. This woman's 30. You're 18. She shouldn't be fucking you to begin with. She certainly shouldn't be letting you dump loads in her. She's taken care of your grandfather who had a stroke. You guys have the money to have your own private nurse. Is she trying, did you get a bunch of money from your grandfather and she pulled the goalie is that what's going on here this this this seems like an episode of falcon crest okay knowing i would need money i quit my training as a pilot why would you quit training as a

pilot you'd make money i got a job on an oil rig in northern alberta oh wait a minute this went from succession to like a fucking country song quickly all right i read this complete completely wrong. Okay, for a couple of years, I was about to save some money from my daughter and her, as well as go back to school and receive technical training as an instrument technician. We continued the relationship as I felt like I couldn't just walk away from my daughter. However, I did not see her as someone I was in love with. This was made easier by the fact that we didn't live together, and I would commute three hours one way to see them about two times a month.

Dude, this is a fucking nightmare and this chick is a devil woman that she did this to you as a child. I mean, your brain isn't completely formed until you're 25, right? She's sturdy, banging an 18-year-old. If a guy did this to a woman, forget about it. Okay, after completing my training,

we had another unplanned pregnancy. Dude, what do you mean? Unplanned pregnancy? You know how a woman gets pregnant? What the fuck are you doing? And we had my son. However, I was not enthusiastic about it. It felt like my youth was completely gone and I was never going to have it back.

Yeah. My son is five years old, not, and we have been together for 10 years and she expects a ring soon. But I'm still not sure if I want to do it yet. And she's the only woman I've ever been with. Yeah, dude. Feels like I'm missing out on the whole world that someone else might be a better match with the first woman I had the relationship with. I kind of feel guilty about it as she.

and I already's given me two kids. Dude, you don't feel guilty about it. This fucking woman groomed you. That works both ways. And now your brain is fully formed and you've realized she had two kids with you before your brain was fully formed, dude.

She's never asked for money for herself only for the kids. Well, that's the first positive thing. So she says she'll always do her best to be the best wife she can be and make me happy. We both got really good jobs now, and we could build a great life with each other

if we get married. Last year, she forced me to go with her to the Philippines and visit her families. I really did not want to go as I was sure that they wouldn't like me as I wasn't married to her even after being with her for 10 years. However, this was not the case. Her family was very warm and open to me,

and I really enjoyed my time there and had to hold back tears when I left the vacation early to go back to work. All right, well, that's a whole other. Dude, you know what? There's so many twists and turns in this story. I can't. I don't know where to be on this. We're going back with the kids in November,

and I plan to ask her to get married when we go there, but I still don't know if it's the right move, as I don't know if I'm in love with her. Can you please give me any advice on what you might do in this situation? I hear about how you talk about Nia on the podcast, and I'm not sure I feel the same way about her. Sorry, couldn't make your Calgary show, but I was on call and couldn't make the same.

six-hour drive. Best regards a crazy Canuck. I think you need to be there for her and be there for your kids. But I think if you want to find love, you need to find it somewhere else. Going by your words. All right?

You made a lot of mistakes, but you were under 25. She made a lot of mistakes. I don't know what she's getting knocked up. at 32 with a 20-year-old four. I don't know what happened to her. I don't know where her self-esteem is. I don't know why she did this.

But like, you know, you're 28 and she's 40. You got two kids together. So let's see here. Your kids are eight and five. So you have 13 more years where you guys need to work together for the kids. and even then it seems to me like with the job you have and how far you have to drive, you know, I guess is that the reason to get married so you can be?

I don't know, dude. Like if you want to find love, you would have found it by now with this person. And I'm only going off of what you said. So if you want to find love, it's like, look, the two of you have two kids and you're not married. That's not an original. A bunch of people are like that.

So I would not get any more involved in this. I would try to figure out why you cried when you left her family if you don't love this woman. Maybe it's because what you want, you know, from your in-laws with somebody that you actually love. Maybe you're crying because these are fucking great people and you're not feeling the way you should be feeling. I don't know.

I don't know what. But I've never been in your situation. so I'm only going by what you wrote here. If you're not in love with somebody, you shouldn't marry them. Because not only are you denying yourself finding true love, you're denying it for her also. And I can't get past being 30 years old and banging an 18-year-old personally.

And knocking them up or getting knocked up. Man or woman. being 30 with an 18-year-old, and then having a kid 32 and 20, I can't, I can't logically do that math. Look at that as anything even remotely right. So you're going to have to make this decision, but like, don't beat yourself up. I don't think you've chosen yourself yet. I don't think you had the maturity. Now you're 28, you do. Your brain is fully formed. and you have to listen to that voice, and that voice will tell you what to do.

All right, that's the best I got. Okay, that is the podcast, everybody. Go fuck yourselves, and I will check in on you on Thursday. Okay.