Monday Morning Podcast - Arenas, Snow Plows, Winter Break-Ups | Monday Morning Podcast 1-5-26

Episode Date: January 5, 2026

Bill rambles about the perfect arena, the power of a snow plow and breaking up over the winter. SimpliSafe:  Check out http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR  for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use code BURR to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Coast:  Unlike old fuel cards, Coast works everywhere Visa is accepted. Every gas station, every brand, every time. Your drivers aren’t detouring just to find the one station that takes your card.  Right now, Coast Pay is offering our listeners free gas for a day when you get started at http://www.coastpay.com/BURR ZipRecruiter:  4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try free at http://www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 5th, 2026. Oh, Jesus. Where is this decade going? 2006, what's going on? Hawaii? It is the first podcast of 2026.

Let's hope it's going to be a good year. Hi, everybody. Let's hope. let's hope well Jesus Christ let's hope they shut down the fuck what if they just shut the internet off oh my god what if racist people couldn't just keep talking to each other on the fucking internet wouldn't that be fantastic oh my god it's like fucking i don't you know i i mean i like how far back we have fucking regressed with this shit. It's these fucking people out there. They're acting like Martin Luther King is still

giving speeches. It's like, it's like back to that. It's fucking unbelievable. Anyway, with that positive note, hopefully this will be a good fucking year. I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't know. Who knows? Who knows what happens? All you can do is just fucking try to be a good person yourself. I'm still in a good mood. I am fucking a month in three days. I have not lost my temper. I've gotten upset.

I've been flustered, but I've stayed out of anger, which has been amazing for me and kind of blocked out like Mondays for me. Mondays is my mental health day. I go to therapy. I do my yoga. You know, I've been like meditating. meditating is frustrating for me because i used to be able to do it and i would feel i would just concentrate on like my stomach going up and down when i was breathing and it was almost like i had my

eyes closed like i was looking down at it my whole body would get relaxed and then after doing that for i don't know a couple of minutes i would it would almost be like i would then look straight ahead or look up with my eyes closed and then all of a sudden my stomach would feel like it was a hundred feet away from me and i felt like i was floating and I used to listen to Jane's Addiction's three days. I'd listen to that song into like, what is the next one? Dun da-da-da-dun-da-dom, then she did at the corner store, all that, that really, whatever that effect Dave Navarro had on his guitar, the flange, is that what it is?

I don't know what it is, but that's a very sort of trippy, floating sound. and I used to do it, and I remember my brother would come in, and if he saw me do it, this is what I was still living at home, this is how long ago it was. My brother would come in, and if he saw me meditating, he'd start going, Woo! Ow! Yip! Just being a fucking, these high-pitch, fucking Rick Flares screams.

And I would be meditating going, he's a douche, just don't listen to it. And I do remember one time leaping up from the chair and just getting into a massive fucking fist fight. As he was laughing, running away. And then I hit him a couple times. And then it became like a real fight. You know, the usual, the usual day in my life as a kid. um anyway

yes i'm trying to meditate again and that is fucking right there everybody that right there is my fucking life okay even when i'm alone and i try to just sit in a chair and meditate somebody comes in and fucks with me

and next thing you know i'm in some sort of altercation wow all right we figure that out so i don't know and then somewhere along the line of meditating it became like i know how to do this so then i would be like okay do this for three minutes and now we're bringing our eyes up and then we should start floating why aren't we floating why isn't this worry and i was just between my ears and then i got super frustrated and i just have tried sporadically for the next 30 years

to try to do it again and I haven't been able to. So now I'm trying to be like, just like, well, just don't have any expectations. Keep focusing on the breath. It'll fucking happen. You know, I was going to do that. I almost said tantric. What is that fucking? That's the sex thing.

Will you come for like 20 minutes? Who the fuck wants to be like, oh, oh, 10 minutes later. For fucking 20 minutes. Um, you know, I love ACDC. I don't want to listen to him play back in black for 20 minutes fucking straight. You're turning coming into, like a jam band. I always thought jam band. The only fun is the fucking people jamming. So that's a bad analogy, because you're the one busting a nut. So that should be you. But it's just like, my god and then what for the next four hours you're like don't touch me don't touch me um no what is

what is that that that meditation it's sort of the top of the meditation chart they give you a word they talk to you and then you give them a word and i'm like all right what's my word and they're like well you got to give us money and it's just like fuck you you monetized meditating go fuck yourself go fuck yourself all right i'll come up with my own my own fucking mantra. Fuck whoever I just talked to at the, the, what the fuck is it called? Now that I said tantric, I can't think of the name of it. Transdental.

No, that sounds like where people transition and get their teeth fixed. Transcendental? All right, people, this is it. This is the level of intellect. I'm bringing for 2026. I don't know why you're listening. Does it make you feel better about yourself? It should. Anyway, me and my lovely, lovely wife went to go see, I almost said life there. She is my life. We went Monday night to go see Janet Jackson at this fucking casino way out by the San Bernardino Airport.

And it was like a fucking 3,000. cedar, this one-off show she did. She's not even on tour. So I saw it advertised here in L.A. And like a fucking idiot, I thought it was in L.A. So I get the tickets. And then, you know, Club Soda Kenny's like,

FYI, it's a two-hour drive with traffic. I'm like, oh my God, I had no idea. But anyway, we got all the way out there. And I got to tell you this, Janet Jackson absolutely killed it. it um it was like an over a 90 minute show she did all of her hits and she was doing the dances from the videos back in the day and she can still fucking kill it i was watching her jumping around at one point going like i'm like my knees hurt just watching her doing it and um

i don't know where to start like i got like as a performer i like to think you know on the low rung of entertainment, a stand-up comedian. We're what they usually, for a music act, they'll put us on in front of them to kill time before people see the actual entertainment, right? So, but despite that, just the level of professionalism, because she wasn't on tour. This was like a one-off show.

And, you know, I hate to say this, a lot of performers kind of. kind of walk their way through it. If they're usually, you know, she usually plays venues way bigger than that, you know, so you can kind of like be, you know, I'm not on tour, just going to do the hits, I'll do a fucking medley, and I'll just, you know, get the fucking money and get out of it. That was not the vibe. She was a total pro, came out there, realized everybody was excited to see her and her, her band.

That was my only complaint. I felt the drums could have been a little higher in the mix because that guy was killing it. and I wanted to hear more of that, but the backup dances, the whole fucking thing, the song selection and just the way she was with her crowd. She was, she was fantastic. And watching my wife going nuts. She was dancing like the entire show. And it's one of the truly beautiful things I've seen in my life is my wife dancing. And also earlier this year when she was in Lake Tahoe. and she actually i got her to jump in that freezing lake and she went in and ended up realizing that it was exhilarating and then rather than coming back up the ladder to the dock she swam all the

way back in and i was super proud of her um so anyway i was at that um i was at that uh that show and one of the songs that she sang, Escapade. Yeah, we'll have a good time. Escapade. Leave your worries behind, right? And I was like, oh my God, here's another branding chance. If I was Janet Jackson's agent, I would call up Cadillac and I would fucking have her do a commercial for Escalade.

Escalade, we'll have a good time. Escalate. Leave your pre-isper. Whatever the fuck you would. Listen, I didn't say I could write lyrics. I'm just saying. The business is shrieking. Yeah, like five nerds are going to run Hollywood in about fucking three months. And all the money's going to go to them.

And we're going to be like, can we please get money for a sandwich? So you got to get out there, man. As performers now, we're all just going to be shelling for the people that don't want to pay us, and we're going to have to all do commercials. Anyway, but she was fantastic. I don't know when she goes on tour again, but if you get a chance, if you get a chance, definitely go see Janet Jackson. And I am very happy that I did it.

My God, we had a great time. So, anyway, plowing ahead, let's talk about my Boston Bruins because I have a tour that's starting up. It's probably going to start up in March, but I'm doing some kind of some fun dates for me, you know? Oh, Billy's been working since the third grade. I had a paper route. I got a paper route in the third grade,

and I really haven't had time off since. So I've been taking a little time off other than COVID. but like COVID was not was not my choice. So there was that stress the whole time of like, is this going to go on forever? Because I don't know if you guys remember. Do you remember how the whole fucking country divided and nobody could get on the same page

so nothing was going to work? Social distancing is not going to work if everybody's not doing it. Became that. And then people arguing about, solids and gases. And then people who weren't scientists were just leading people around with information that they fucking found on the, it was fucked. There was no way to be like, ha, you know what? I'm just going to put my feet up. I will tell you this. Next time there's a

pandemic, I'm going to make sure I enjoy it. All right? I think if I look back on the pandemic, that's the one thing I forgot to do. I didn't enjoy it enough. I didn't enjoy the downtime. Anyway, plowing ahead here. So the Boston Bruins, I am going up to Seattle. I'm going to the Bruins Cracken game, and then I'm going to do a theater up there in Seattle. I'm going to run my hour here over the next few nights out here in L.A. Just going to get up every night and just do different sections of my act.

So when I go to Seattle, I'm going to be ready to go. So I can be a pro like Miss Jackson if you're nasty. and the Bruins been playing all right won two in a row after we were kind of out on the tiles as Led Zeppin would say

which means going out drinking that's not a good thing I don't know what I was saying we were fucking we weren't winning games so Edmonton

which I didn't think we were going to win Connor McDavid Leon Drysidle and all of those guys and we came in and we actually I think we won like five to one

my favorite goal of the game was middle stat that snipe to the short side and then last night or yesterday watching the Bruins beat Vancouver and seeing Frazier Minton had two goals one was the overtime winner so we're on a little bit of a run here this is the Calgary it used to be Calgary Edmonton Vancouver and then you would go down and do play the Kings and the Ducks, they kind of would get the whole West Coast trip out of the way. Or they would break it up. You'd do like Phoenix, Anaheim, L.A., maybe San Jose, and then you'd come back. But now that's become like a whole fucking thing down there.

Phoenix is now Utah, Utah, Vegas, Anaheim, San Jose, L.A. You got all of those teams. So now I feel like Seattle, when they put the schedule together, gets lumped in with Calgary, Edmonton, and Vancouver. which I think is cool. So I'm excited to go to that game. I feel like the crack can really have a cool logo, and they have a great fan. Like, Seattle fans are fucking ridiculous.

Like, they go all out for everything. I really think it's weird that they're going to get an NBA team back. I never understand an NBA team leaving a city, and then you bring, aren't they kind of blaming the owner at that point? Because if the city failed, why would you go back there? if they don't have good fans. You're really saying that the owner was a douche and was crying because he didn't like Key Arena.

Like, if I was a fucking owner, like the Kansas City Chiefs, I would keep Arrowhead Stadium. You know, the same way I like old cars, I like old stadiums. I don't want some big douchey iPhone store-looking thing. That makes sense in Dallas, right? Those people don't have any taste.

They're simpletons. look at my belt buckle my belt buckle's bigger that means it's better right they're morons no i'm kidding i actually like dallas like if i was going to live in texas that's where i would live um you know like austin was always too like hey man like fucking fucking hacky sack i just wasn't never into austin uh houston is hot as fucking balls but i do like like Houston because they have they have Southpaw guitar.

I've actually come around. I actually like Houston now too. I like Houston and I like, but I've always liked Dallas because I was a big Cowboys fan back in the day. And I like that Dallas embraces like bigger is better. Like that feels like the real Texas attitude

to me. Then like when I think of Texas, that's what I think of. I don't think of putting people to death in the prison systems and all of that shit. I just think of like people wearing a hat that maybe doesn't need to be that big. I keep it simple.

You know, as I get older, I just try to keep a lot of things just simple. You know what I mean? Just try to keep it simple. So anyway, yeah, I would, like, if Key Arena still exist, if I was the new ownership, I would say, guess what, we're going back to Key Arena. All right? I'd go back to Key Arena. I would have a live band there.

I would have no fucking DJ. I would just steer in to like, like I have a retro stadium. It would be like, you know, 70s night, 80s night. 90s night. I would just do that and just make it fucking fun for the fans. Keep ticket prices lower. You know, have like the fucking cheerleaders dressed like Charlie's Angel.

I would just fucking go old school. I will say this. Last time I had that experience was the Golden State Warriors were in the Oracle. I went to a game like 20 years ago. And there was nobody on that team. Like Chris Weber was drafted and gone by then. And they had a live band there. I still remember it. Sorry, taking a sip of water here. No DJ. And then, like, this fucking live band, and in the middle of it, they played Herbie Hancock Chameleon, which has, like, arguably the greatest baseline ever.

Like, greatest baseline ever, I would say, like, fucking Herbie Hancock Chameleon. This is a fun topic. Uh, Parliament Funkadelic Flashlight. queen another one bites the dust there's a lot of good baselines out there though but i mean just as far as like like sometimes like i just love when they're so simply like how the fuck can't i come up with that that was just sitting there waiting for somebody to play that like another one bites the dust it's just do do do do do do do slap i mean how to

that you, I just feel like if you can't come up with that, just, you know, I don't know what. Just, just fucking go, go find something else to do for a living. Wait, I don't know why me failing as a musician has to come into, like, you guys playing bass. I apologize for that. Anyway, the Oracle, this live band, they were killing it. And what's great about that song, Herbie Hancock, is, it's once you get the bass and the drums going, like, everybody else in the band is just free to do their own interpretation of the song and that's what these fucking guys were doing and they were absolutely killing it everybody had a smile on

their face and they were just having a blast it's like they were playing an arena gig but everyone was there to see like a basketball game so they were like a bonus and there was no pressure and the expression on their face it was communicating that I'm like look at these guys just having the time of their life like I think I watched the band more than I watched the game. It was the Warriors versus the San Antonio Spurs. I remember that because David Robinson didn't play. Tim Duncan played. David Robinson was standing there in the longest suit I'd ever seen in my life. When you're seven feet tall, you only look right in a basketball uniform. The second you put on a suit, it's like bodybuilders. Bodybuilders only look

right in a speedo. You ever see a bodybuilder in like a suit? They look like they're obese. But they're like obese with muscle. It's really bizarre. I mean, like the guys that, like, you know, that have embraced the latest technology. I don't mean all natural people. Like myself. Oh, Billy Barefeet doing his fucking yoga.

Anyway. So, we're coming to the end of the Anything Better podcast for the regular season. Oh, Billy Freckles, all I need to do is go two and two this week. And I beat the bookie for the bookie for the, the first time documented on a podcast. I used to do it all the time before I had kids when I used to just bet against Paul Verzi. We used to bet four games a week.

The same way we do here on the podcast. So I need two wins this week. And yesterday, I had the Tampa Bay Buccaneers either two and a half or three. They won by two. So I lost that. And I had the 49ers and they lost the fucking game. So I'm 0.2.

And now I'm just sitting here like, I fucking knew it, man. Who knows? So what do I have today? I have the Texans laying like 10 and a half. And then I have the Steelers against the Ravens getting, I think, three. So that's interesting. I have a favorite, you know, laying out a lot of points.

I'm just worried that Texans are going to cover that game. And then they're going to take their QB out like before the beginning of the, you know, the beginning of the fourth quarter, and then it's the backdoor cover. I don't know. Who gives a fuck? I do, obviously, because I'm talking about it. So, um, anyway, uh, looking forward to, uh, to doing my first road gig

since that comedy festival I did. I don't know if you guys heard about that. I did a comedy festival that people had a lot of opinions on it. um jesus christ someday someday someday i am going to do when enough times gone by when people clearly don't give a fuck i am going to do on this podcast a nice deep dive into the absolute absurdity of that whole fucking thing. Anyway, let's do. I mean, here we are all these months later.

You know, I got to be honest with you, the outrage is still where it was. People are still so concerned. Anyway, all right, Squarespace, everybody. The podcast is, this podcast is brought to you SquareSpace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings, this is what I got here, with a professional

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Okay, we did it. I'm probably going to get shit for that fucking tantric line. I was trying to do that at the end of the fucking read, but I didn't realize I had that disclaimer to read. Well, we'll see what they say. You know, is there any way we could get a reread? Is there any way you could read that again? Is there any way you could just say you're saying this

so you can justify your fucking cubicle or your desk? Is there any way you can just do that? Do you really think because I made the tantric sex fucking joke that someone's not going to use will or won't use the coast cost fucking thing I mean Jesus Christ you got a good product you're stopping these cunts from from fucking using the company card on private time

one tantric fucking sex joke is not going to fuck up your message all right so relax by the way I am in a leather chair how can't make the fart noise unless because people will always go Did you fart? It's like, I know, I see, I have, I have a Ron Burgundy leather chair.

I have two of them. But only one has the footrest. I don't know why, because my office isn't big enough. All right, Bill, underrated. See, I can't, I can't get it to go. I'm trying to make the noise again. There it is. There it is.

You got to go light. It's light with the sock. It's not skin on skin. That doesn't work. All right. Bill, underrated. Oh, overrated, underrated. Holy shit. We used to do this a long, long time ago. Underrated, I would say, Philip Rivers coming back to the Colts, overrated. No. Yeah, underrated. Bringing him back because that was fun. Overrated. Playing more than three games at his age. Do you guys realize how fucking amazing what Philip Rivers did? That guy has 10 kids. He played like, what, 15, 16 years?

He stops for five years. And goes and plays three. And how about the fact that all 10 of his kids wanted him to play? That means he's a great dad. There is the darker side. Yeah, dad, get out of here. No. Anyways.

what do I think is overrated? Overrated. Thinking that a joke or a word that isn't part of the copy is somehow going to make somebody buy or not buy the fucking product. Sorry, I didn't think those through. All right, underrated. Having a snowplow. Holy shit.

Just for you? Has anybody bought a snowplow just to have for yourself? Hey, but you mean like literally the Fisher one that you, put on the front of your fucking F-250? Your Chevy Silverado? Your GMC fucking, what do they call it? You dodge

ram? What is the GMC? The Diablo? I don't understand the difference between Chevy and GMC. It's the same fucking company, isn't it? I mean, Ford, for half a second, had mercury that made pickup trucks, but they only had them in, like, Canada. And they're like, what are we doing?

This is stupid. This is the same fucking truck with a different name on the tailgate. All right. I just got a snowplow. I have to say, I feel invincible. I'm the hero of the neighborhood now. I clear out driveways in minutes, and I've already received a couple of six-packs from thankful neighbors.

It's really zen-like. I cracked the window and smoked cigarillos, listen to the Grateful Dead and just look for people to help plow out. Oh my God, dude. Like, you know, if you ever see those people who used to be the parking meter fairies and they would go down the street and they would drop quarters in right in front of the meter made and then they made that illegal that you couldn't do that. You couldn't save somebody else from a ticket.

It's so fucking ridiculous. So I imagine the snowplow union, if there is such a thing, would get upset with that after a while. Anywho, so this is what you do, you just, you just drive around plowing out people's driveways, like not even people you know. I can see if you just did like your street. Anyway, I've done a few laps around neighboring blocks, and when I see people struggling to shovel, I pull up and say, want me to do a quick pass?

It's exactly like the Mr. Plow Simpson's episode, which you may or may not have seen. Thanks for the laughs. Go fuck yourself. Well, you're helping out people that are. shoveling anyway. I don't know. It's kind of a gray area. Because people that's, you know,

make, you know, what do they call it? Like, landscapers. Like, that's how they make their money in the winter is plowing people out. Maybe they're like, well, that exhaustion is what leads to my income. And you're giving it away for free, you're fucking whore.

I think it's great that you do that. I don't seem, doesn't seem like you do a bunch of driveways. Like what? You had like a pickup truck? and you just decided to get a plow? I need to know the backstory. Were you sick of plowing your own driveway? And then you're such a good shit, as they say in New England,

that you just say, you know, why should I only benefit? I rather enjoy that. You know what? I would have to say you are probably the only person that is plowing driveways for the love of it. That's a beautiful thing. You got your tunes going. You got your little herb cigarette, whatever that fucking thing is, cigaro.

Um, I like it. All right. Good on you. How about more of that? Everybody's fucking struggling. How about everybody helps everybody out? And then we all get on the same page. We put our differences aside, racially, politically, religiously, sexuality.

And then we all stop and we turn around. Look at these fucking billionaire cunts. Why not that? But, oh, can't do that, right? That would be too fucking, uh, all right? All right, celebrities who didn't get their due after they died. Oh, I brought that up. I felt Chuck Woolery deserved more of a send-off.

All right, number one. Hey, Billy Bullocks. You recently asked listeners for examples of celebrities who didn't get as much respect as we expected when they died. I know you watched a bit of wrestling back in the day. So maybe you remember sensational sheriff from the WWF. I do not.

I remember a whole bunch of people that people forgot about. Mr. Fuji, Mr. Saito, Bulldog Brower, Ivan Putzky, Tony Atlas, Jose Estrada, and Johnny Rods. Remember, they used to lose every week? The tag team, they would lose to Tony Guerrilla

and Larry Zabisco. S.D. Special Delivery Jones. Paterson. Ken Patera. Adrian Adonis. I can't remember the name of the restaurant I went to last night, but I can remember all of this shit. The Moondogs?

Oh, Ted DiBiase, the Intercarninatal Champion, before he was the million-dollar man. Who else? The Grand Wizard of Wrestling. Captain Lou Albano, Classy, Freddie Blassie. Now I'm doing managers. I don't know. Bruno San Martino.

Jimmy Superfly Snooker. Oh my God. Who is the fucking champion? I'm spacing on his name. He was a champion forever. The redheaded dude. Bob Backland. There you go.

I do not remember. I remember Sergeant Slaughter. The Iron Sheik. And then that led into Hulk Hogan, Mr. Wonderful. All right. I'm just going to go down on a fucking... No, no, I'm stopping now. I'm back.

I'm doing a podcast again. Sorry. Sensational Sheriff from WWF. She was a trailblazer. It was a woman. I had no idea. As both a wrestler and a ringside valet to such greats as Randy Savage, Rick Flair, and Ted DiBiassi.

In my opinion, she added a lot to each of their characters. Oh, sensational Sherry, not Sheriff. Sorry, I don't have my glasses. I do have my glasses. I just never fucking wear them. Hang on a second. Not only does she not get the right fucking send-off, I say her name wrong.

My apology. Sensational Sherry. Putting on my glasses. Oh! Oh, a whole new world. Sherry sadly died in June of 2007, but just one week later, the former world champion wrestler Chris Benoit,

is how he say his name? That was after my time. Murdered his wife and son before killing himself, and that story was front page news. Oh, my God. That screams of CTE. Sherry's death was barely acknowledged by the wrestling community,

as so much coverage was being, given to the murder, suicide that rocked the industry. Cheers from Dopper in the UK. I got a fucking... I got to look that up. Sensational Sherry. Don't remember that. All right.

Dear Billy Redface McNoboos. Last week, you asked about people who died and it didn't really get talked about. Check out Anton Yelchin. He was one of the greatest actors of my generation, but he joined the 27 club when the parking brake malfunctioned on his Jeep. It malfunctioned. Would it run them over?

As young as he was, he had a crazy long list of amazing low-key slash indie movies. Check out his IMDB if you want. Some great movies to watch. My top five in no order are Alpha Dog Green Roar. from Fierce People, Charlie Bartlett, and Middle of Nowhere. I'll have to check him out. What happened? If you want to learn about his life story, here we go.

His mother and best friend produced a documentary about him posthumously, parentheses after he died, Bill. It's called love. How come all the words are like difficult this week? Love Antosha. Oh, is that... Oh, he went by Anton. Is that this real name?

I don't know. Beautiful documentary, great interviews, and truly inspiring from an artist's point of view. Well, thank you. I've got to check that out. I'm going to watch that with my lovely wife tonight. I'm going to find out where it is. Thank you for that.

Doing a screenshot, and now I have it. Anna, thank you. All right, New Year's Eve drama. Oh, happy New Year and go fuck yourself. Thank you. All right, New Year's Eve drama. Hey, Bill, my girlfriend is mad at me because I fell asleep on the couch on New Year's Eve. Oh, I need to know how old you guys are.

We had a few people over, nothing crazy. I started dozing off around 10 to 45 and I knew it was going to be a problem. I also need to know how long you guys have been together. There's a lot of variables here. That morning, I woke up around. 5 a.m. to let our dog out who had been having some discomfort for a few days leading up. Oh, the poor pooch. I couldn't fall back asleep. Then I had to shovel. Then I had to get groceries and stop by my parents' house. So maybe this is why he's so fucking tired every day. When I came to,

it was a few minutes, oh, you did all of this that day. Oh, that morning. I thought you meant the next morning. Oh, so that morning you woke up around 5 a.m. Let out the dog. couldn't fall back asleep, you shoveled, and you had to get groceries and stop by your parents' house. When I came to, it was a few minutes after midnight, and everyone was leaving. She told me she felt lonely at midnight because she wanted to kiss me

because it was the fifth anniversary of us meeting. Oh, yeah. And she was mad, so she could have woken you up, but she let you sleep because she was hurt and she wanted you to feel guilty. Anyway, sure, it would have been nice, but let's be honest. There are worse things in life that could have happened.

We had plans to go out to dinner on the third, but she said she didn't feel like it. I thought about what it would be like to say sounds great and going to bed at 8 p.m. But I'm not that petty, and it's not my style. Dude, she might also want a ring. It's been five years. She's giving me the cold shoulder, and I have to be honest, this is a huge red flag. I've been questioning our future anyway. Here we go.

but I don't want to break up with her because of her reaction to this, because then I feel like a petty bitch breaking up over one thing. It's hard to put into words why I want to break up with her anyway. Okay, dude. Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is the information that should have been given before you said you fell asleep. You fell asleep also because of the stress of being in a fucking relationship you don't want to be in anymore.

Anyway, there's a John Mayer's song called St. Patrick Day that basically says people break up after St. Patrick's Day because all the big holidays are out of the way. Lyrics are as follows. No way November will see our goodbye. When it comes to December, it's obvious why. No one wants to be alone at Christmas time. Come January, we're frozen inside, making new resolutions a hundred times. February, won't you be my Valentine? And we'll both be safe till St. Patrick's Day. I mean, truer words, Bill. I don't know anyone who's ever broken up between Thanksgiving and Valentine's Day. I think you can do that college. People are going home.

You know, you're starting a new semester of classes. But like, once you get into the adult world, it's very difficult. Do I wait to have a conversation, or do I break the mold and start exploring the idea of breaking up and start a conversation with her about why I'm unhappy? Thanks for the advice.

all right dude i don't know what the variables are i don't know why you're unhappy i think what you should do is have the i'm unhappy conversation i think you should figure out why you're unhappy and then have the unhappy conversation with her see how she receives that and then both of you in a calm adult manner can decide if you want to work on this unhappiness. Because I can tell you this, buddy, if she isn't the one you can go out and go meet the woman of your dreams

and you're going to get married and guess what? You're going to end up being unhappy at some point in a relationship. And all of these people who aren't in relationships who go, see, get right there. That's why I'm never getting married

and I'm never bub-you're not getting married because you don't want to do the work. okay you don't just get to get married and she loves you and looks up at you and all of your fucking five interesting stories are going to be interesting for the rest of your life and you get kids and everything's fucking great it's it's like anything that's worth going after it's going to be work so it's not really the unhappiness it's whether you're with a person that you feel is worth working it out with and trying to figure out

where it went off the tracks you know it's like you know my idea of what being a stand-up comedian was like oh my god you know I get to fucking just the idea of working for myself

being self-employed and not having a day job was mind-blowing to me because at that point I had a day job. I had a day job from 1978, third grade. I had a paper route right up to a freshman year of high school. Then I got a worker's permit, and I did a job until I was of legal age to get to work,

and then I just had jobs. So I was going, 1992, so that was, I was 14 years of working, which is not a long time at my age, but I was 23, almost 24 years old. So I had been working at that point for like six. 65% of my life. So the idea of not having a day job, holy shit, this is going to be amazing. And I'm going to go on stage.

And beautiful girls are going to be in the crowd. And they're going to just fucking fall all over themselves to get to me. And everybody's going to laugh. And I'm not going to be sad. And my whole fucking life is just, you know, I'm fucking, yeah. And then you become a comedian.

And then you're like, oh, oh, this is a lot of fucking work. This is awesome. I love it. So I was willing to do the work. work and there's been times where I've fallen out of love with stand up and it's felt like work and I've wanted to stop doing it and blah blah blah blah blah but at the end of the fucking day it's a true love so it's something that's worth fighting for so I'm not saying don't break up

with this person I'm not saying stay with them I'm just putting out some information that a lot of people don't seem to know. And I didn't know it, too, until I became married. That I thought that it was going to be like, I just remember thinking, God, I just can't wait to meet the person that I'm going to marry, so I just don't have to worry about this shit. When do I break up with this person? How do I break up with this person?

Oh, my God, I wasted another couple of years in my life, blah, blah, blah. I had this whole idea of marriage was just going to be, you know, just. fun all the time. Now, I married a really easy person to be married to, and we have a ton of fun. But we go through times of just like, you know, being off the rails, we got to get, but we, you know, we address it and we work on it and we talk it out. And like, you know, there's countless times we've come to each other and been like, yeah, it just doesn't feel like it's clicking or we got to do something together or, you know, I don't know. I'm just not happy. I don't know why. I don't know if it's you. I don't know if it's me. I don't know if it's my work. You know, and when you're with somebody you want to be with, you work that shit out. So that would be my advice. My advice is to figure out, are you unhappy because you don't love this person enough to be with them for the rest of your life? Or are you unhappy because that's natural. in a relationship, but maybe you have too much expectations of relationships. And that, oh, when I'm with the right person, that it should be fucking easy the whole time.

That's probably the best thing you can do for your happiness is to get rid of that notion. And, you know, negative people will be like, yeah, you see. saying sign yourself up for a life of miserable i'm not miserable i'm not miserable but i'm also not going to lie to you and act like being married and having kids is is easy it isn't it's fucking work but it's the greatest fucking thing out of everything i've ever done being married to my wife and having kids with her and raising them has been the greatest most rewarding um experience of my life. Nothing comes close. Um, but it is it there are really difficult times, you know, and there's difficult times not just with your wife. There'll be difficult times with

your kids that going through a phase or something like that. And that's what it is. And, you know, if you, uh, I've always wanted to talk to somebody that just said, you know, I don't want to do any of that work. Like at the end of their life, you know, what that's like, that you just sort of, you know, something was,

I mean, but even then, you're still going to fucking have ups and downs of your career. I don't think anybody gets out easy. This is just one of these things, dude. This is just one of these things where it's like, these are just choices you make. you want to get married you don't get married you want to work on your relationship you want to break up

these are just choices that you fucking make and there's this weird codependency thing that people have that like i've i've decided that i like i like being married i love my wife i love my kids i love this life and i love the ups and downs of it i like the whole fucking ride right but I don't need you to like it too like I've seen these debates on the internet where like people are like arguing you know and like we didn't normalize being alone

you know not never getting married or having kids and they're saying that because married people won't shut the fuck up maybe I'm guilty of this right now but I'm not telling you guys you need to get married I'm saying if you don't want to do it there's nothing wrong with that

In fact, I think if you don't want to get married and have kids and actually doing that is one of the worst things you could ever do for everyone involved, forget about yourself, the person you're married and those poor kids that are going to, they're going to sense it, right? But like, yeah, don't go on the internet on those stupid social media websites where people sit there and, you know, debate like, you know, I never got married because, you know, you know, right now I'm in Spain drinking a cold beer. I couldn't do that if I was fucking married, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know? It's like, well, you could if you just asked, hey man, I need some alone time. And if you were like a secure person,

I guess you could do that. Or maybe you couldn't. Maybe you'd have too many fucking responsibilities. And if your big dream in life is to be able to fucking travel whenever the fuck you want and not to have to be concerned with somebody else, That's a fucking great dream. Go do that.

So there we go. So that's my advice. It took me a while to get there, but like, yeah, I would just figure out why you're unhappy. And then whatever that answer is, you know, that will make up your mind, whether you need to break up with this person or try to work it out with them. There you go, all right? All that, all that advice was from a summer school kid.

So take it with a grain of salt. All right, that's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great 2026. Okay? Try to stay off the internet or be really, I really think the internet is the fucking devil. And if you're going to go on the internet, really try to pay attention. Like, you know how they say drink responsibly?

Like, go on the internet responsibly. Just go after content that's going to make, that's going to make, that's going to to feed your soul because there are good things out there don't go out there and just watch people trying to rip each other down or just saying dumbass racist shit or whatever the fuck it is that's going on out there it's really bizarre all right that's it's it go fuck yourselves i'll talk to you on thursday