Monday Morning Podcast - Atlanta, Scandals, Presidential Merch | Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-26

Episode Date: May 15, 2026

Bill rambles about Atlanta, scandals, and presidential merch.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(34:57) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 5-15-26 - Bill rambles about museums, paper shredders, and getting a lawyer.Thursday Afternoon Interlude: St. Vincent - Laughing With A Mouth Full of BloodHims: Get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Weight Loss, and more, visit http://www.Hims.com/BURRFast Growing Trees: Get better plants and better growing at Fast Growing Trees dot com using the code BURR at checkout at http://www.Fast GrowingTrees.com code BURRSimpliSafe: Get 50% off your new system by visiting http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURRTOUR DATES ▶ http://www.billburr.com/tourMERCH ▶ https://billburrmerch.com/INSTAGRAM ▶ https://www.instagram.com/wilfredburr/APPLE ▶ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/monday-morning-podcast/id480486345SPOTIFY ▶ https://open.spotify.com/show/5SFiQlOQ3EKmwp0chE1QzY?si=4e6149a2ba584182WEBSITE ▶ http://billburr.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and I'm just checking in on you. Ooh, how's it going, man? Far out, man. I am in Atlanta, Georgia. Georgia, oh, freckles, telling your jokes downtown. Sorry, I'm in a stupid mood. I had a great set last night.

It really one of my favorite theaters in the world. I'm doing three nights at the tabernacle here in Atlanta, Georgia. I haven't been here in fucking forever. I did a special here. I don't know how I'm embarrassed how long ago it was. And all of these memories came flooding back

the last time I was here. I was doing this run through the South and I got a tour bus. It was like the first time I ever did that. and I was with like Bartnick and Versey and uh Jay Lawhead and we were just like riding on this bus watching Goodfellas and watching Anchorman.

I was still drinking back then, smoking cigars, and we pulled up to the venue. It was unreal and we just, we went in there and they were shooting Anchorman two down here at the time and I knew Dave Kekner because I was doing F is for family with him, and he played Bob Pogo. Still one of my favorite memories

of recording those episodes was watching Dave Kekner in the booth doing Bob Pogo, who was morbidly obese. And I remember when he would do his lines, he would be in the booth. And it looked like he was doing like the backstroke. He would be just going, look, I can't do the voice that he did.

And me and the great Mike Price, we used to just be laughing our at, just watching his commitment. So anyway, we'd gone over to the set and we got to watch him do a little bit of stuff, but they came, this is some fucking, I know, this is a fucking Hollywood story here,

but I got to tell you, it was fucking amazing. So Ketner and some of his buddies from the movie came out to the show. So they were there, and we all hung out and just laughing and stuff. and they got on the tour bus to check it out. And I remember they saw that we had the Anchorman DVD there so they could tell we weren't bullshit

and when we said we were fans and all of that. It was just one of those nights. And I think afterwards we were outside just smoking cigars next to the bus. All of that came flooding back. And then it was like a really happy memory. And then like depressing too, like because now I'm back here by myself. So anyway, but when I got back out on stage,

it was still the same place. Like the first night, I had a really good set. And then last night, I was just in flow mode, as the kids say. And all kinds of crazy shit coming out of my mouth, doing just every reason why I love doing stand-up. So I want to thank everybody that's come out. You know, and everybody that is going to come out to my shows because this is a brutal economy.

It's just a fucking brutal economy. That's just all there is to it. And I'm hoping, I don't know, I'm just hoping somebody can turn this shit around. So anybody that is still coming out to my shows, I really appreciate it because I know entertainment's the first thing that gets cut out. So, you know, we're all connected, man.

So I don't know. I'm hoping in the future this younger generation will grow some CEOs with a heart, you know, and maybe no more, you know, the Grinch generations. Like, I really don't understand, like, why they have, I know I just keep talking about this. These fucking cars that are coming out in 2027, it's your own private police car.

They can turn them on and turn them off. and they're buying up all the auto parts places so you can't repair the old ones so everyone's going to be everybody even if you got you make it great again hat again you're going to have to buy one of those I just don't understand at what point are you going to realize

you're not in the club none of us are in the club we're not in the club none of this shit is for us this is for them to finally do what they've always wanted to do fucking control all of it and take all of it for themselves

and we can all go fuck ourselves. But having said that, the shows were great. And I found a really good coffee spot, which was fucking difficult. I'll tell you. Oh, boy, I'll tell you. I went on to, you know, I tried to Yelp it up there and see where the best coffee shops were.

In Atlanta, and evidently that app has sold their soul to the devil. One of the first recommendations I go, got was fucking, like the top 10 best coffee shops in Atlanta. One of them was the Capital One Cafe. Who did they beat out? Chase Bank for better fucking coffee? It's just like, what?

How the, I don't even need to go. You know, Sam Jackson better be in there roasting the fucking coffee. If you're going to, I mean, you might as well just say Starbucks. So, anyway, I had a couple of hit or misses. you know, I went to some places. I could only kind of judge them by the names. Like, that doesn't sound like a chain, right?

I guess I should have Googled whether it was a chain or not. And I went to one on the first day. You know, great people working there, but, you know, you walk in and it looks like an apple... Everything looks like a fucking Apple store. So when I was walking back, I found this one that is also, you know,

has three locations in Atlanta, but it was the best I could do. sort of a ballpark themed place and but like you know I liked just when I went in there the vibe was a lot better

it looked like a coffee shop and the kids behind the counter looked like they gave a shit you know so I've been walking over to that one you know just Billy Old Man

Billy Old Man doing old man stuff just you know living a little life just living a little life just living a little life walking around fucking

I don't know what so anyway I don't have a car out here so I just been kind of like walking the neighborhood that I'm in and I don't know I found this this good

this great restaurant I already forget the name of it a soul food place obviously the influence of Nia I went in I did miss the breakfast. So I started the day of the lunch. I got a small part in a movie coming up.

So, Oh, Billy's got a, I got to shave down the ham here. You know what I mean? I got to go with the parfait or whatever. Although I did not do this, that this morning. I did not. But every other day, I've made it to the gym. I've been doing the right thing. I also went on, like, Nia told me, she goes,

you should go on Instagram. But I'm not good with the searches. or whatever. So, like, all the recommendations I got were, like, they had, like, the plastic cups and the pastries. I just, for the life of me, do not understand somebody's showing me, like, a great cup of coffee or a matcha in, like, this fucking giant plastic cup. You know, at least get it iced so you don't get those fucking plastic,

microplastics in your brain doesn't this sound like some sci-fi shit like what are we doing and then my favorite one was this woman just goes she was like an influencer and she was just going like I love this cafe it's just I love this cozy little cafe and then when she gets inside she goes

it's so spacious it's just like how can it be cozy and spacious at the same time That's that microplastic, swimming around in your fucking brain. Anyway, but I was able to find my coffee spot. That's all I need. That's all I need when I'm out here. There's a nice coffee place I can just walk to and chill out,

and I can fucking work on my stuff. And then I got a benefit coming up, and I'm going to do a stand-up show and then play like four songs on drums afterwards, like I did when I was in England last year. And I can't, I don't want to ruin the set list, but these goddamn songs, each one of them, each one of them's got the little tricky thing there,

and I haven't really had the time to try to map it out. So this afternoon I got to kind of make the old Billy Drum Chart here to figure out, like, okay, you know, it's one of those things where, you know, it's in four, then it goes into halftime, and then they play a bar of three, you know? And it's just like, really? It's a song. It's a song I've heard a million times.

And when it was suggested, I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I can play that. I can play that. And then I listen to it. I'm like, you know, when you're playing drums and you're going along, and then all of a sudden it's like turned around, like, all right, something just happened there. Three, five, or seven. That's what I always guess.

Something, bar of three, bar of five, or a bar of seven. Something just fucking happened there. And I am, I'm upside down in this shit. The old two bass drums in a row. Hey, there it is. Back on the beat there. Here's like a funny little social moment. I'm in the, uh, the cafe.

And they have, it's like a baseball themed. I don't know if I can tell this story. I don't want to get the person in trouble. Uh, yeah, fuck that. This way this fucking world is now. Someone would just get this kid. It was innocent, but they'll get this kid fucking fired because they're not happy with their own life.

You know what I mean? Like, remember those people at the Coldplay? The Coldplay fucking concert? Like, everybody did, like, this deep dive into their life. Like, they were cheating on them. It's just, like, dude, like, you have no idea. That woman could have been getting, like, beaten, or she could have been, like, the guy just doesn't fuck her anymore.

I don't know. the love died. You don't know. And everybody, this is her name, this is his name. They just tar and feather them. It's like,

why can't you just go to the concert? Today, gonna be today. Oh, no, no, no. And it was all yellow. You're still, boodoo. Yeah, that's like people asking me, like one of my sports teams.

There was some sort of scandal, some off-fields, scandal, some sort of love triangle go on. What do you think about it? I, you know what I think? I think it's none of my fucking business. I don't give a shit. I'm here for the music. I'm here to watch the game. What is going on in people's personal lives?

I don't think that's any of my goddamn business. The internet always wins. No, it doesn't. I mean, it's good at destroying an individual. I haven't seen well, wait, wait, let's think about it for a second. I've yet to see

take down a CEO? Because they own the internet. I think, no, look, let me, let me clarify it. And the internet does win if you're going after an individual. You know, somebody sneaking around at a cold plate. Yeah, a concert. Oh, yeah, that person's fucked. Right?

But, like, if you're talking about, like, false flag wars, yeah, the internet is not winning anything. I had to get a new iPhone. Finally fucking happened. I'm really sad. I was totally happy with my iPhone 13 plus. If anybody knows a place that will fix the charger port, because that's what ended up happening.

It stopped. It fell out of love with the charger cord. And then I tried to get one of those flat things, and that worked for a while, and then that stopped. And, you know, I did the latest update, and I started thinking like, I bet that's what it did. I bet that's what happened.

Like the latest update. I mean, I'm being paranoid here. I think it deliberately sabotaged the charging port to make me have to buy the 17. And this is what's fucking hilarious about the 17. I don't see any difference other than there's this sort of creepy cyborg. Remember Buck Rogers? And they had the Cylon Raiders.

Do you remember the, the shape of their eye? It was just all one thing going across. I think it was. They kind of have that up top, and I don't know what it's doing. I'm going to put a piece of hockey tape over it and see what happens. Anyway, so now I have one of these,

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Oh, Jesus Christ, someone's at the door. Hang on. Don't understand. I still don't quite understand what turned down service is. That's when they just come back to your room again for some reason. Going, do you want some of this?

Do you want, no, dude, I'm good. I'm good. You fucking cleaned the room. What do you think I did in the last few hours? Think I'm an animal? Anyways, if they had like a pill to make your dick bigger, then all these little dick dudes

would take the fucking pill. like Gertrude McFuzz. Remember that story? Where she sees the bird that has more feathers than her, so then she tries to get more feathers. And the next thing, you know, she's weighted down by the feathers. That's what would happen. Then all the big dick guys, they would have to take even, you know,

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You have this giant dick that's going to fucking curve around back towards you, you know? Like, what do they call that? Or you get like a chicane, you know, like an S-shaped fucking dick. Like, there'll be some sort of side effect. But let's get back to him. This isn't a one-size-fits-all that forgets you in the waiting room. It's your health and goals put first with real medical providers, making sure you get what you need to get the result.

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So if all of a sudden you had to take a pill to get a bigger dick, they'd be a side effect. Like, what would happen? What would happen? You know, you'd spraying your taint, carrying all that extra, you know, because your skeletal system wasn't ready to, you know, it's a whole fucking thing.

All right, friends, they're working on it. They're working on it right now. This is what people do in bars. They just make up technology that isn't even out there. Dude, I'm telling you. My brother's in the military. He saw it. They're working on it right now.

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That's half off at simplysafe.com slash burr. Hey, there's no safe. Like simply safe. How about those Buffalo Sabres, huh? Tying up the series. Tying up the series. Is Lindy Ruff going to fucking out-coach whoever coaches the Canadians? Because I feel like on paper, as good a team as Buffalo is,

I feel like the Canadians are, they really have a scary good team as far as for the near future. And I would think, you know, who's that guy, Cole Houser? the guy the guy on the on the left wing on the first line scored like 50 goals in America they got a couple guys like that on the team

they got a great goal tender and you know as a Bruins fan I hate to admit it their fucking fan base has the ability the vibe that they bring to will that team past the team I've seen it I saw it in fucking 1993

one of the great runs in winning of a Stanley Cup I ever saw it because that team had no fucking business winning the cup on paper and they just, every time they got to overtime, I lost count of how many times they won it. And they had the great Patrick Waugh in Net, who was money. You know?

And they got all fucking arrogant, those fans. And they fucking gave them that cheer, that mock cheer when he was having a tough game. They left him in and then he finally made his save and everyone went, yay! It was funny. He gave him the finger, but like, you know, he had his blocker and his glove on, so you couldn't tell. And I loved what he did. He skated over the bench and he said to the coach, let me tell you something, you motherfucker. I'm paraphrasing here. I just played my last game for you guys. And then he goes to Colorado and he wins two.

And the curse of Patrick Waugh has been up there on St. Catherine Street ever since. 33 years later. cupless just taking pucks right to the nuts no cups I mean even the Bruins won one since then I hate to say

we've only won one since 1972 and even that one already it seems like we won it like seven eight years ago that's already 15 years ago what the fuck where is time going. Yeah, speaking to which, I have a birthday coming up. So I got to figure out what I'm going to do

for my birthday, you know, what do you do for your 58th birthday? 16, you know, if you're rich, you get a car. 18, you go out and vote. 21, you get hammered. And then after that, you kind of run out of ideas as a guy you do. Women never seem to run out of ideas. They were, they're really, good at the party planning thing. What should I do? It's got to be something where I get my AARP discount. I got that fucking card when I was 50 years old and I've never used it.

I don't know how to use it. I don't know where to use it. I know you can use it at the movies and I just, do you stick it in the machine? I don't know. They're probably going to do away with that like they're going to with Social Security as they make it great again.

I don't know. didn't realize Trump had so much merch. Do you know he bought old cell phones like the one I had and he painted him gold? He bought him for like 75 bucks and he was selling him to his fan base for 500 bucks. It's fucking amazing. Then he had like some sneakers, I guess, and he painted him gold. Isn't that what they call it? What are they called? Like gilding the lily? Isn't that what they call it? You just fucking it's a piece of shit. You just paint it gold and people think it's worth something. He should be on like the shopping network while he runs the country. This is a the limited edition, gold-plated mega hat.

Very innovative guy. I've never seen a president selling merch. Although, you know, I do think that they've always had that stuff because I know when they would run for president, like that was the thing that people would collect. I remember the early days of eBay. I would just look shit up and just go down a rabbit hole. of just weird shit that people were collecting.

And one of the things that you could buy, I'm not gonna lie you, they were kind of cool with those old like buttons or pins or whatever, like during like elections, like I like Ike, they had like Richard Nixon pins, Nixon now. They had the Kennedy ones, Lyndon Johnson ones. And, you know, for those people that would wear those barbershop quartet hats and they would wear a sash

and they would show up to like the conventions. I don't know. So I guess they've had that. So Trump just took it to the next level. He should fucking put out like a Jordan one, just like the Trump one. And he steals the Jordan logo

and he just puts his head on top of it. I really wish all of these were jokes There's probably somebody listening going Yeah, that's not a bad idea I think we could do that Joe Biden could have had some too He should have done the hear no evil See no evil say no evil

With just his head Oh God When is it going to end When is somebody who actually cares Is going to get back in office on either side Is it ever going to fucking end? I don't fucking know I don't know

Let's just keep talking about sports people, bread and goddamn circus. How about those New York Knicks? Shout out to the guy at the gym who came up to me going, hey, Bill, I'm not trying to be a dick. And he shows that he has got a 76. He's a 76er fan, like right after they beat us in a game seven. Somehow he was not being a dick.

And he goes, if it makes you feel any better, we're going to kick the shit out of the Knicks. Then they get swept. And then they get swept. And then there's Maud. I'll be honest with you. I've not really seen much of sports. I just keep, when I get off stage,

I just keep catching the end of the, that Minnesota Spurs series, which looks like it's good. It was 2-1 Spurs and then it was 2-2, and then I think it's now 3-2 Spurs. A little back and forth action there. I do have to suggest a book that I've been reading. Oh my God, oh my God.

You want to talk about me being a lot. out of like getting a little too, you know, look at the big brain on Brad here. Shit. I've been reading this book. Came out about 20 years ago. It says Bill Bryson, a short history of nearly everything. And the stuff that he's explaining in layman's term, read, so a summer school kid can understand it, about how we figured out how old the earth is, why the continents.

are drifting black holes, molecules, atoms, electrons, protons, all of this stuff that I was just like, what? When I was in high school, it's like, I can't deal with life, the visible life. You're going to start talking about the invisible life? It was just always beyond me. The way this guy breaks this shit down, and certainly chemistry and all of that, stuff is so fascinating that all of these fucking eggheads

went out and figure out all of this stuff and then I'm just thinking like to what end? Because everything that they discovered was then co-opted for money, power, and control. Like what they did with all of it? The evil that

just came from it is just fucking staggering. Like what's going on right now? I guess has always been going on. Like, I guess even like our cans of food were like lead lined all the way into the early 90s. There is something funny about, I mean, I obviously love this country, but the way we abuse our own people. Like, I think somebody needs to walk into all of these corporations just be like, hey, guys, guys, guys, same team, same teams. You know, same team. What are we doing?

Anyway, so I've just been like, I don't know, just like, I mean, it is just fucking, like, they couldn't figure out why they were finding the same species of dinosaur bones, you know, in like the Pacific Northwest and like in KASDA standards. It just didn't make any sense to them. And then someone finally just took a guess, they're looking at the map going like, I think these kind of fit together. like a jigsaw and for whatever reason these geologists just didn't want to hear it and they all just went with these theories of land bridges like all the way across the atlantic which was pretty fucking ridiculous and um and then also the amount of women in history that have figured out so much of this shit and oh but they just get trampled and there's a listen there's a ton of shit where guys come up with shit and then somebody else takes the credit.

And being in show business, I'm like, oh, I know how this works. This sounds familiar. I can tell all you young comics out there, if you're developing a show with somebody, make sure your name is on the pilot script or you are not going to get the credit. You're not going to get it created by credit. I don't give a fuck how many lines you put in that script. If you're there every fucking day, if your name is not on that pilot script, you can fucking kiss that created by your.

credit, goodbye. I don't even know if it means anything anymore because there is no syndication. But anyway, you guys, listen, if Bill Burr can read Bill Bryson, so can you. It's really fascinating. And there's sort of this underlying story in this with all of these inventions and all of this knowledge that we got, how always, they never seem to do the right thing with it. Sound familiar? All right, there we go. All right. Well, that's the podcast here, everybody. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you to everybody who came out. I'm looking forward to do another show here at the Tabernacle.

I got a drum kit there, so I've been working on these goddamn songs during the day, and my new phone doesn't fit the adapter. I need another adapter. Oh, these iPhone people. Oh, they'll get you. They'll get you. All right, that's the podcast. Please listen to the music picked out by the great Andrew Thamelis.

And what else? What else? We have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast coming up afterwards. And that's it. Have a great weekend, you're cunt. And I'll talk to you on Monday, yeah. Just like an amnesia.

Trying to get my senses back. It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Monday, May 14th, 2018. How are you? What is going on with you? Oh, really? That is interesting. Do you know, I went to a for Mother's Day.

By the way, happy belated Mother's Day out there, for all the women out there who are mothers and there's nothing more important or loving and giving. The way they go on and on about mothers, remember that on Father's Day. Jesus Christ, that's like a fucking blurb, you know, at the bottom of the stock exchange. Oh, by the way, happy Father's Day.

there's nothing more important um anyways anyways you know what i mean they're the quarterback they get all the fucking glory as a father you're the left tackle you know protecting their ass and nobody gives a shit they don't even know when you get traded nobody's sitting in the stands wearing your jersey right who the fuck buys a fucking left tackles fucking goddamn jersey um is it the guard is it the guard position Is that the one that's all important? Is that the one? I'm sure everybody who plays fantasy football and never competed in their life will let me know that that's not exactly. It's not to tackle.

It's the guard. Or is it to tackle? I don't give a fuck. So we went to the Getty Villa, which is a museum. And evidently, it's by this guy, John Paul Getty. And John Paul Getty, evidently, was a really rich guy. And like a lot of rich guys, he didn't. pay any taxes, evidently.

So he went out and he bought a bunch of art. John Paul Getty, let's see, didn't pay taxes. Let's see if this comes up with anything. The reason why Jay Paul Getty refused to pay 16-0, the billionaire refused to pay kidnappers. Oh, that was kidnappers.

The tragedy of the Gettys. Oh, now I feel bad. What happened? Severed ears. What happened? Safari can't open this page. Is this still an active case? The billionaire who refused to pay kidnappers to save his grandson's life. What?

Man, what a cool bastard. The upcoming film, All the Money in the World, when the fuck did this come out? Oh, it's a film. That doesn't mean anything. That means it was based on a true story and then everything else is going to be bullshit, right? It's like that movie Hidden Figures. They start like taking real people and then they combine them together. and they amalgate, like, take three people and they combine them into one person.

And then people start coming up to you and they start quoting movies like that, like they read a fucking history book. It's like, no, you went to the movies. You ate gummy bears and popcorn. That's not reading. This is coming from someone who doesn't read. Oh, Kevin Spacey played fucking Jay Paul Getty. The upcoming, all the money in the world has been garnered,

guarding a lots of buzz for the scandal around it. A month ago, the filmmakers just, oh, Jesus Christ, not that scandal. I want to hear about the fucking kid's life. All right, but the scandal is based on 1973. John Paul Getty, the third, the 16-year-old grandson of the oilman, Jay Paul Getty, then said to be the world's richest man worth some $1.2 billion, just around $9.1 billion today, was kidnapped in Rome. His inductors demanded 17 million bucks, but this guy probably had in his breastcoat pocket.

Although rich people never walk around with money. You know, they never have it. They never fucking have it. Which his family wouldn't pay, leading to his captors to cut off his right ear. The ordeal, coupled with terrible neglect, ruined the boy's life at just 24. He ended up paralyzed as a result of a drug overdose. As it turns out, all the money in the world could not. not save him. I wonder what he was probably thinking. Well, if I pay this guy, I'm going to have to pay

everybody. I'm not giving you 17 million. You realize how many Derek said goodbye? Yelling at his daughter. Well, fuck your husband again without a condom and have another one. Christ, they're free. That's one of the few things in life that's free. Making a baby. Making a baby is free, you know, provided you can find a woman that doesn't need to go on a date and have a relationship first. Other than that, it's probably one of the more expensive things you do. How are you, everybody? This is the Monday morning podcast.

It's a little bit late because I was out to celebrate Mother's Day. I realized for the 9 millionth time in my life, I am not a museum guy. Unless it's like a museum of cars, drums. I would literally enjoy seeing a museum of refrigerators that started with ice boxes, you know and they just you know well I reckon a 19 fucking teens the first motorized cars bought icebox down the street get your fucking ice here you tuberculosis cucks get your rice here right watch one of those things I went to the holly Davidson Museum I obviously enjoyed that you know but I'm not a headphones guy you know you get to the fucking museum I'm gonna tell you guys what kind of guy I am by telling you all the guys I'm not

and then you can do process of elimination. Okay? What you've learned on this fucking podcast already, I'm not a museum guy, I'm not a headphones guy. And a few podcasts back, I told you I was a breakfast guy. All right? I'm the kind of guy that tells you what kind of guy he is and he isn't. Whether you asked or not.

And I'll go on and on and on and on and you won't even get to speak. That's the kind of guy I am. I don't like going to museums and you get that little fucking recorder. and then you have like the headphones and shit you got to walk around and look at every goddamn exhibit I just kind of blow through it and get a gist and if anything catches my eye I'm fine with it

you know I don't need to look at every goddamn knick-knack and see what like a brooch look like in the middle ages so I went to the J. Paul Getty filler and I imagine 17 million probably put that pool in

so Well, then a lot of people would give their ear for that. So maybe he was right. I don't know. I don't fucking know. Anyways. That's what I would do. If my parents were that fucking rich,

my parents were that goddamn rich, I would die of a drug overdose or something. Might do go out and get a job, you know. But what sucks is when you're that level rich, they can always hang it over your head. So I would probably rebel and just, go my own way, be one of those fucking morons. You know, instead of having to fucking jump through every hoop all of a sudden,

you got to take fencing classes and all that shit that makes you a gentleman. Learn how to sail. You know all that rich white shit that if you're in a fucking will, you know what I mean? First of all, someone that has that amount of money, for the most part, you know, as far as the movies tell me, when I sit there eating, you know, I don't eat gummy bears. I always go with the fucking peanut M&Ms. You can't get the ones that don't have peanuts in them.

When you get the plain M&Ms, if you actually eat a movie-sized bag of one of those, you are so full of sugar like you start having like disturbing thoughts. You got to get the peanut M&Ms, I think. Or I'll get the chocolate covered almonds. Hey, I'm a fucking peanut M&M guy. I'm not a plain Eminem. When did I start saying what kind of guy I am? This is some middle-aged shit.

You realize that? When you start talking about that shit, you know, trying to carve out, you know, hoping somebody someday is going to make a statue of you. It ain't happening. Do you realize how many people you have to kill and oppress in order to get a statue made out of you? You know, if you don't have an athletic ability. But even that, you've got to crush a lot of homers, dunk a lot of balls, score a lot of goals, throw for a bunch of touchdowns. You've got to do a lot of shit to get a statue. Everything's a lot.

So if you're in power, you have to oppress a lot of people, you have to kill a lot of people, you know, or maybe die tragically. It's not worth it. You know what I mean? Even if you're like fucking one of those athletes that gets a statute because that one happens, you know, you missed your kids growing up. While you were out there fucking, you know, getting your gaudy-how hat tricks, what were they doing? Huh? They were out there getting kidnapped, getting their ears chopped off. So, you know, I guess I guess what I'm trying, just saying.

It's a price that everybody pays. Yeah, so I went through that museum, and the only thing I liked, they had a giant ball of Plato that for some reason took somebody 20 years to put together. And I can't imagine how much their significant are there much to complain, you know? And I was a guy, I don't know if my wife just started doing that with the Plato. After a while, he'd be like, all right, well, keeps her happy. I was going to say she's out of my hair but I don't have any yeah other than that I was just a bunch of fucking weird looking statues nobody looked happy

back in the day you know everybody's just fucking grumpy that's because most people died by the time they were like 20 like you know like not like people have a problem contemplating their own mortality because you can you know even if you're a moron you can pretty much live a good 70 years. So you don't have to think about it for a while. You can stand there on your smartphone, right? As you take a picture of the menu and then text, what should I get to your fucking boyfriend or your girlfriend, whatever your deal is? But back then, you know, people like, you got a fever and you just died. You know, you fell off something. You know, your leg turned fucking black. You just, you just fucking people died back then. Back then.

You know, they didn't just keep going the way we do. Once you fucking, you know, anything happened to you back then. You've just fucking died. Mother's given birth died. Babies in them died, two for one right there, you know? It really is amazing. You really have to appreciate the level of fucking that has been done globally for us to get to this level. I guess maybe it's science, you know, coming up with aspirin and shit like that.

You know, this is even dumb for me. I'm literally stepping outside myself listening to this. Here's a funny story for you. Real quickie. All right. Last night I went down to the comedy store. They had the memorial ceremony for Mitzi Shore. The woman who created, started the comedy store and ran it for decades.

And basically, because of what she did, I got to all of these comedians that I watched that, made me want to be a comedian was because that she started the place and looked out for him and all of that stuff. So I had to go down there. You know, even though I only met her twice. One time I didn't really even meet her. I was auditioning for her. And they were like, this is Mitchie show and she barely looked at me. And I went up on stage. And I don't even know how much time I did, but she was gone by the time I got off. And her review was, he hasn't ready. As much as that pissed me off, she was right.

I wasn't ready. And then years later, I got in and I talked to her briefly. So, you know, I didn't want to go up. You know, I hate when people go up on a memorial service and talk when they didn't fucking know the person. So unfortunately, I didn't get to know her. but I definitely more than profited off of all the work that she did and all the comics before. So thank you to all of them.

So anyway, so I'm down there. And, you know, I'm getting to watch all these people talking, telling them these hilarious stories about Mitsy and the comedy store back in the day. And this person comes up to me and goes, hey, you know, I guess like an audience member or something. I was at, you know, comedy groupie or some shit was going, hey, I was in fucking, I was at your show the other night. Were you trying out a bunch of new stuff? I said, you know, a few things here or there were new, but, you know, for most part, you know, proven stuff. And she goes, what about that Me Too stuff? And I said, oh, no, I've had that since, you know, shit started going down.

And she goes, would you like to hear my opinions of that material as a woman, as a female? She goes, would you like to hear my opinions on that material as a female? my opinions on that material as a female? And I just go, no. I walked away. I just love that. Would you like to hear my opinions as a female? What does that mean as a female? You are female. Could you give me your opinions as a hermaphrodite? You know, how would you do that? I have no idea. I don't. I'm just, I'm sure that person is a nice person. I didn't take offense to it, but it was one of the easiest questions I've ever had to answer, and I just walked away. And to her credit, she laughed, and I just walked away.

But I think that's just a symptom of, you know, just the internet. Now, you can comment on fucking YouTube videos. You can comment on fucking, you know, fucking spew every thought you ever fucking have on a podcast. I'm literally talking to myself. So maybe that's what the fuck it is. But I've never in my life, I, I, I, never had a conversation like that. It was fucking bizarre. Oh yeah, by all means, why don't, you, you punch out my shit.

That's what I was waiting for. A complete stranger to help me out with my act. Could I have a complete stranger's set of eyes on this shit? And by the way, the material I did, it fucking killed. It fucking killed that night. Let me guess. Your opinion is you didn't like it. Or maybe that's why I'm doing it. if you haven't noticed, I'm kind of an asshole.

Anyways, plowing ahead, did anybody watch the F-1 race over there in Spain? Place I would love to go someday. What an exciting race. They got to do something, man. They got to do something to these cars where there's some sort of passing in the front road. It's like Lewis Hamilton just fucking, he just got to the corner first. He was in pole position, and then that was it. The one exciting thing was Ferrari pitted early.

And they went to the medium tires. You know, I remember that the one with the white lettering are medium is because they always say white guys are boring, average, whatever. You know, that's how I remember those. Then I always forget, like yellow, soft and super soft is the pink. Right. And I'm not going to get into the metaphor about that. But anyways, the only exciting thing was when Sebastian Vettel pitted early

and changed his tires. And it was just like, is he going to be able to catch him? And that was answered pretty fucking quickly with a resounding no. And somehow, Lewis Hamilton, after such a shitty fucking start, is fucking, he's back in first place again. And I don't know why. It bugs me. That was just because years ago, I remember when, like, you know, he was asking his teammate to fucking help him out. This is when he had the fucking Days of Thunder, Ricky Bobby shit going on with that fucking guy.

What the fuck was his name back in the day? Nico Rosberg. They didn't get along. So Nico was being a teammate for him a few races earlier. And then when it was flipped and Nico was winning the race and they needed Lewis Hamilton to do something. You know, basically do the same thing that Nico did for him. He fucking refused, which is not what you're supposed to do. You know, he went Kobe Bryant on it.

I want the ball. And ever since then, I was like, ah, fuck it. fuck this guy. I don't like this guy with this red private jet. All right, I'm stalking him. I don't like literally not like the guy, but that was just one of those things. It's just like, you know, I don't know. So anyway, so I've somehow, being German and Irish guy, I should be rooting for the fucking Mercedes team, right? I'm mostly German. But for some reason, I'm rooting for Ferrari. Maybe because it's just every time, every fucking year, it's like Mercedes wins. The two years that I've been watching it. I think that's what it is. I don't know.

Lewis, would you like to hear my opinions of your driving as a male who doesn't drive competitively? So anyways, I'm up here in San Francisco. That's why I had a early flight today. That's why the podcast is very late today. Flew up here. It was funny. I checked the weather in San Francisco. And right before the window opened, I said, gloomy and shitty.

and that's exactly what it is, although the sun's coming out right now. This, everybody talks about Seattle, how it rains and it's fucking gloomy and all that. I don't know. I've had more sunny days on shows in fucking Seattle and Portland combined than I have every time I've come here. It's just always just sort of, you know,

you always have to have a jacket. I can't imagine. Like if I ever started a store here, In San Francisco. I wouldn't try to fuck with the burritos because everybody's got that locked down. But I would definitely have some sort of jacket and hat store. It's just fucking miserable here. And I'm staying at this hotel.

I'm doing one show a night. 7 p.m. shows. I love it. I'm an old guy. I love the 7 p.m. One show. Done at 9 o'clock. I come home.

I get in the bed. I fucking relax. You know, I do my Rosetta Stone, a little bit of French. You know, not hurting anybody. Just an old, bald white guy. But anyways, you know, my big birthdays coming up. 50 turning 50, June 10th next fucking month. So I wanted to drop the last couple of pounds.

And I went downstairs and they got this shitty fucking gym. It's the worst. Do you have a gym? Yeah, we have a gym. No, you don't. The gym is smaller than my room. And I have a basic fucking room with two queen beds. Oh, maybe the gym is the same.

So I think they just took a room and they just, they got, they got one of, that thing where you sit down and pretend you're riding a bicycle, which nobody gets on that, right? People who wear makeup and read Us magazine when they work out, get on that fucking thing. Then they got an elliptical, great, but they only got one. And right next to it is a treadmill and right next to that is a treadmill. And then you're at the wall. They got a couple of kettle bells. They got some dumbbells. They got no bench.

You know? So I guess you're just doing shoulders and curls. You know, I don't know what. And then you got a couple of dirty bands down there, those elastic bands. Well, fortunately, I brought some shit with me. But I don't know. I'm going to start making demands here. If I'm going to be in a hotel, the gym has to be bigger than my hotel room.

Can there be more than one? Because you know what's going to happen. You're going to go down there. And it's just going to be fucking, you know, you get down there in the morning. There's just going to be those gym rats down there. Just fucking all over those things, sweating and shit. It's going to be gross. But fortunately, it's San Francisco, so I'm just going to walk the hills.

I think that's what I'll do. Oh, and how about those Celtics? I taped the game. I didn't see one second of it. I was over at the J. Paul Getty Pavilion. whatever the fuck I was the villa which I

you actually when I fly when I do solo flights I fly out of Burbank a lot and I go all the way out past Camarillo I always call it Camarillo because a rich Camarillo

Punter for the Patriots and then I come down the coast all the way down Malibu right as you get to the Pacific Palisades you get on with Santa Monica Airport and you say at the Getty Villa.

Helicopter, whatever, whatever, whatever. Santa Monica Tower, helicopter, whatever, whatever. Southbound along the coast at the Getty Villa. Requesting fucking eastbound transition through your fucking airspace. Sorry, I'm out of it. This is why I never do podcasts when I fly. I don't know what the hell happens. I flew Southwest and there was no fucking stand-up on the flight.

It was great. No bad stand-up on the flight. and cruised right up here, great flight, and all that. And anyway, so yesterday I was at the fucking the Getty Villa, and that's when the Celtics game was on. I missed the whole fucking game. And I don't know how we did it, but we beat them, and we won by 20 points, which is amazing.

But I'm thinking that might have been like a fucking hangover game because, no, yeah, they were idle. That's right, because they swept Toronto. So game two is fucking huge. Game two, I actually think if we win game two, having watched three Celtics games this year, if we win game two, I think actually I think game two is a must win.

Because they got LeBron James. LeBron James, one of the biggest enigmas ever, as far as like what that guy is done. versus the level of shit that he gets. I just, I don't understand it. Is are people ever going to forgive that guy for taking his talents down to South Beach? All right? So he went down there.

He was part of a couple of pile on fucking teams. But then he went back to Cleveland and won them, their first fucking championship since fucking Jim Brown in 1965. That should have been the end of the movie. The man redeemed himself. I've never seen a guy, no matter what the fuck he does. People find a reason to shit all over him. And what kills me is meanwhile, Kobe Bryant demanded free agents every fucking year.

For Shaq out of town, cost him a fucking championship because Shaq was still in his prime. He went to Miami. They won there. Never gets any shit or doesn't get nearly as much shit. For the life of me, I don't understand why LeBron James gets so much shit. He's literally willing this team into the conference finals. So whatever. Other people don't understand that guy.

I get who that fucking dude is. And I think if we don't win game two, we have no shot at winning this series. And even if we do win game two, because of LeBron James, I got $200 on the series, though. Somebody talked me into it. I was like, dude, I ain't got a fucking, if we win two games, I'm going to be thrilled. We got to the Eastern Conference finals, you know, without Rick Robey and Eric Fernstein. Who's that guy? We got from the Cavaliers who's out.

I already don't remember his name. The other guy there, Mo Howard, that we got from fucking Utah. I missed every Celtic game this year just about it, except for like maybe two. I know Jalen Brown and Rozier and Tatum have been the story. Kyrie Irving, there we go. I think next year we're going to look pretty good. It'd be great to get another championship before the Lakers rebuild. I don't know.

We'll see. we'll see what the fuck happens but I should probably You know what's great though is the fact that I have early shows I think I can actually catch a lot of the games this week

maybe get back into it's fucking hilarious I'm watching the Celtics for the last two years and now they're like got a little well I can't say a legit shot to be killed you know something I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about this week why don't I just do a little bit of advertising here how about that

I went old school by the way I brought all my shit up here about all my podcast casting stuff up here, something I haven't done in a while. And you would think if I would bring all my equipment up here, I'd actually have a decent podcast, but I haven't. There you go. Yeah, speaking to which, this run of dates here is my last tune-up before I go over there and do those two huge shows, which in a good way, I am nervous about. I want to make sure that I have good shows. So I am going to be doing a bunch of shit this week. And then that'll be what? The end of this week will be

18th, right? So I still have a still have like a two-week gap. I'm going to have to do a lot of fucking popping in doing some shows to make sure I stay on my fucking game here. All right. In the Eye of the Beholder. Oh, fuck. Why did I write that down? Oh, you know what?

Because since my Bruins lost in the playoffs, I ended up some friends wanted to get together. And they wanted to play that Metallica song, I, the Beholder from Offer. of the injustice for all album. I believe it's track number two. And so I've been listening to all this Metallica. And I never used to listen to them. I went the other way. I listened to more fucking warrant than I listen to Metallica.

I like single bass drum playing. And I just like, it was just too raw, too fast for my ears. I never got into it. So now, of course, I'm going back now. I'm listening to it going, oh, my God, this shit is unbelievable. And I actually sat down. I took a video of it. I'll take a video of it and I'll post it.

I actually wrote the entire drum chart out in my own chicken scratch. I didn't put down the hi-hat or money and the crash symbols. Just so I could make sense of this song. And what I noticed about Lars playing is he's pretty religious in the chorus. And then, you know, a lot of time changes, obviously, on that album. So those drum parts are pretty repetitive. But in the fucking verses, that guy is just like flying by the seat of his pants. So he has all these different little things that he does.

And really, really fun album to listen to. And so I sat down and I wrote out the whole fucking drum chart for that song. It's like four or five pages long. Because I was trying to memorize it. I'm like, this is going to take me for fucking everything. I know how to read drum music. So why don't I just sit down and write this shit out? And I'm really glad that I did.

But then I have to watch out like I get into shit. So then all of a sudden it's like, well, I'm going to write out the drum chart for shortest. I'm going to do the whole fucking album. Anything to keep me out of the buzz. I'm not going to lie to you. I had one drink Saturday and one drink Sunday, small ones. And very small ones. I'm back on the wagon again.

So that's how I'd like to drink. I'd like to really think about drinking now before I do it, which is what I think about is the next morning and how awesome I have felt not drinking. So I had a very, very, very fucking incredible tequila. And it wasn't even a finger, like as far as how much I poured. Maybe it was a finger. And I just sipped it. It was nice.

I really enjoyed it. Didn't even have ice on it. Nothing. Just really nice. And then that was it. And then I was done. And then I had a water right next to it. And I immediately go, if I go to the water, that fucking makes me not go like, oh, I'm going to have a fucking bunch of these.

So anyways, I think I'm going to, the goal anyways is just kind of chill this week. and I've been talking to a couple of my buddies who've just been starting to slow down a little bit with the drinking. And it's just more like, I don't know, how you look at it. You know, because I am not by any means a young man anymore and that shit will fucking age you

and kick the shit out of you. And life is hard enough. I don't need to be adding that, you know? So anyways, speaking of which I found a healthy place near my hotel and I just walked down there, got that stuff and all that shit, you know. So I guess I got it, I got it, it's time to pass the baton.

Okay. Partying is a young man's fucking game and, uh, I'm done with it. There, I said it. I want to be done with it. I should say every once in a while, though, every once in a while. You know, I go to that one big college football game a year. I go to the Rose Bowl and, uh, you know, whatever. Maybe three, four times a year.

but other than that, I'm fucking dumb with this shit. Okay, I hope anyways. All right. Ex-wife pretended to be my parole officer. Okay. Hey, Billy Blue Balls. I wish I was making this story up, but I am not. Well, how would she pretend to be your parole officer without you knowing?

She must have done it to somebody else. Somehow she must have fucked you over. Anyways, I'm in my early 40s and had been married for 12 years. Unfortunately, the marriage ended in a divorce last year. What, when she found out you were in the mob? How do you're married for 12 years? This guy's like a responsible fucking dude. He ends up going to jail. Even though we had no children, my wife got to keep the house in the divorce settlement. Of course she did. Of course she did. But they're always victims and the guy's always the fucking asshole. Divorces and alimony are expensive. So for the past year,

I've been renting a townhouse. Well, dude, you're doing fine. You're renting a townhouse in this little community where most of the other residents are elderly couples. Oh, I see. You waited for someone to die and you moved in there. I love it. I enjoy, just don't steal their fucking social security checks. I enjoy living here.

And even though most the other residents are older, there is a nice community center that has a tennis court. Yeah, and you're fucking beating everybody, feeling like a young man. And a pool and events during the, the week and sometimes even live music. So all in all, not too bad of a situation. Well, about three months ago, I met this great lady and we began to date. My ex-wife found out and did not take it well that I was back in the dating pool so quickly. Yeah, because why get in the house? Well, you know, she just got the fucking house. So she went around to all my neighbors pretending to be my parole officer. Wow. Well, they're all witnesses. Why don't you sue her for defamation of character? Can you do that? She claimed that I am a

registered sex offender and she was following up to see if I had gone around door to door to admit to my neighbor. I was a sex offender. Oh, you got to sue the shit out of this woman. Obviously, I did not do this because I am not a sex offender. And so all the neighbors said, no, I had not disclosed to them. My sex offender passed. I had no idea. My ex did this until a week later. I got a letter from the community board of residents requesting that I move out for being in breach of state laws require me to disclose my sex offenses. All right, dude, all you need is a lawyer, brother. All you need is a lawyer. This is easy. This is fucking easy. I, of course, went to the board and told them that they were all lies, but they did not believe me because I could not prove I'm not a sex offender.

Yeah, you can. Go get your fucking record. I found a website and searched my name, and of course, nothing came up, but they wouldn't believe me. Plus, dude, this is so simple. This is so simple. sue your wife and sue this fuck and say you're going to sue this old fucking folks home if they kick you out. Plus they said even I was telling, even if I was telling the truth and then my ex is lying, they don't want me in my community because I hang around people who wouldn't lie about such a transgression. Okay, well, that's that's kind of fair in their part. I do not want to move, especially because they said they did not, they don't have to give me any sort of refund and I'd be liable to pay the remainder of my lease. I'm not sure what my options are, and to involve the legal team will only add to expenses.

Well, you'll send them right back to her, and I still may have to move. What do I do? Thanks for listening and go fuck yourself. Well, provided you're not a sex offender, I would get a fucking lawyer and tell the guy, listen, you got a fucking, you know, what do they call that? Working pro bono or some shit? Working for the SAG minimum. I would absolutely get a lawyer. I would absolutely get a lawyer.

and I think the judge in your divorce case who handles your alimony and all that shit should know what this woman did, I would press, I would find out whatever legally you can do, whatever a law she must. I can't be fucking legal to do that. And then you got all that shit that they do, all the emotional stress and how this fucking affected you. And I would sue the fucking shit out of her. That is all. That's what I would do. Absolutely get a lawyer.

apps of fucking looting get a lawyer Jesus fucking Christ Do you see this This is why This Me Too shit Well you've created This thing now

Where you don't need any proof You know what I'm saying I'm all for getting all these bad guys You know Outed and all that shit But you can't just create a system Where you take due process And you throw it out the fucking window

Okay Because of shit like this And I know all the hype out there right now is that women are victims and there are all these fucking angels. And the truth of the matter is is there's assholes and there's vindictive people out there

who have dicks and sometimes they have vaginas. You just can't have people going around fucking doing stuff like this. And, you know, if we're really going to go into a future where everything is fair, you have to start, you know, women have to be responsible for their actions. You can't fucking go around and do something like that

over some petty bullshit to fucking ruin it. guy's life like that. I mean, do you realize like how vindictive that is? That is unfucking believable. And I, like, I'd be honest with you, I would never in a million years, matter how long I sat there and thought,

I could never come up with something as bad as that. And, um, I don't need to tell the guys listening to this, that women can effortlessly do that. Hell hath no fury like a fucking woman scorned. Especially when they're not held fucking response. You know, I just love how women can get away with, like, destruction of property. There's even a commercial on TV where this guy is going through some sort of breakup.

And this woman is just throwing all of his shit out the fucking window, computers and all that. And it's played for comedy. It's fucking considered hilarious. You know what I mean? Which, fine, I can roll with that. But you can't, you know, have some overbearing guy screaming at his fucking wife played for comedy anymore. I guess you used to be able to do that. But, you know, sir, if you were actually in a.

of all, everything that she just did there. I would absolutely. You know what, dude? Why don't you start a startup? Start a startup to get a fucking lawyer. You give me the link, dude, and I'll throw 500 bucks at it. Sue the shit out of her. If she fucking did this to her, sue the fucking shit out of her.

Good luck to you. All right. And I'll tweet out the fucking link and everybody just get on this thing. And let's get this guy a fucking lawyer so he can get on with this goddamn life. he's not doing anything wrong according to him okay as long as what he's doing he's telling the truth other than that I think I might be giving $500 to a sex offender kidding all right crazy wife Jesus hey ladies can you guys write in too because I want to keep this balance I don't want to this be a fucking sausage fest here all right all right crazy wife I have a wife I met overseas

all right well you know what that's your fucking fault all right you know you're gonna go over there and they're going to have their fucking wooden shoes and their awful teeth. I mean, you know, you're going to be over here and bring her around the Buffalo Wild Wings. What do you think is going to happen? Anyways, he goes, I'm 25 and she's 22. We're not technically married since we didn't finalize the paperwork. Okay, then what is the problem? We just had the ceremony, which is the only reason this question is worth asking.

Otherwise, I just deal with it. Okay, fair enough. By now, it seems like the possibility of dealing with the consequences of dropping her is the better option. Okay, this already feels like you've already made your decision. You just want me to back it up. We were dating two years. She was normal. But since we got married, she flips out and gets hysterical over little things

to the point where I feel awkward to just be next to her even when we're alone. My first guess is she got married too young and she's freaking out because I would guess most of her friends are married yet at 22. I think she must be bipolar or something. She's still overseas. I'm about to submit to the paperwork to get her. a visa, but I'm at a critical point in my future career that's very competitive and I can't deal with any of that, much less put up with it for the rest of our lives. When she freaks out,

she says things like she wish she hadn't married me and fuck me and all that, which is one thing, but then she says she wishes she were dead and that she wants to kill herself. Oh, dude, dude. You know what? I would take that paperwork and I would go down to Staples and say, hey, you know, I'm in the market for a paper shredder. Do you have the cross-cutting one? Maybe yes. Any way you could plug it in, I could just try it out. And then when they plug it in, you put that marriage contract in there.

And then look at the Staples guy and be like, yeah, I mean, it's nice, but I don't think I need it. I don't think I like it. And then just walk out. All right? Because, dude, I think you're going to end up like the guy in the last one, living in an old folks home with some crazy fire. woman. Anyways, he goes, I can find someone else by my friends and family know we got married and we're expecting to have her over soon. Your parents aren't going to give a fuck. Is it better to bite the bullet and admit I made a dumb choice rushing into marrying this girl

before I have to deal with the divorce settlements? It absolutely is. Keep in mind her culture is very old fashioned and her friends and family would look down on her and she might never date slash marry again. Not your problem. Not your fucking. problem. She met one foreigner. She can meet another. And in case you're wondering, I'm an average looking white dude. She's a solid eight. Dude, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. All right. Okay, dude. This is, and the fact that she's not even there. I mean, whatever the fuck you are, this is the greatest thing ever. The situation that you're in is so easy. Just don't sign the papers. You know, just call, and just be totally honest with her.

Just say your mood swings are so crazy that I, you know, I no longer want to marry you. And let her flip out and let her scream and yell and say she's going to kill herself and all that, dude. You know, you can feel bad for her, but, you know, you live once. Okay, you only live once, okay? and being married is difficult, even when you marry the right person. Forget about somebody that that's that emotionally erratic. She's saying, I wish I never got fucking married so early in the marriage that you haven't even submitted the fucking papers. I mean, Jesus Christ, dude, take the hint.

And you're not happy. And you've already made the decision. You know what you're worried about, dude, it's going to be weird for about fucking four or five days. it's like shaving your head people like dude what the fuck and after five days they can't remember what you look like with hair dude walk away fucking dump her and just go to the bar and get yourself a really nice fucking IPA right a really nice fucking beer whatever the fuck you want and just sit there and just know that your whole future is is just wide open wide open anything can fuck can happen. Okay? And that's it, dude. Walk the fuck away. And God bless you for writing in before you

ended up in that other guy's situation. 12 years in and you got that fucking nightmare. Please start that startup, dude. I'm not kidding. I'll give you a fucking 500 bucks. All right. Worried about my future. Hey, Billy 8 Ball. I love the comedy, the podcast, all of it. I have a problem and was wondering to get some of your advice. I am the oldest of six, and I am a junior in high school and soon entering my senior year. Everything is going fine, but the only thing is that I don't want to go to college. Well, then don't go. I personally think college is a scam, and unless you want to do to do specialized profession, unless you want to do a specialized profession, I 100% agree. But besides that, it's nothing but

an institution to make debt slaves. All right. Well, okay, okay, relax. It's also a great place to meet women, you know, it's a great, it's a great social thing too. He goes, I want to leave my home state and move out to Wyoming and become a correctional officer. The only problem is my parents want me to become a lawyer. I don't want to become a lawyer. I want to do law enforcement. How do you think I should go about telling them? I love the podcast. and go, fuck yourselves. I would say, Mom and Dad,

I have something important that I need to talk to you about. Don't worry. Nobody's pregnant. I'm not on drugs. Okay? Start with that joke. So they'll relax.

It's not life or death. Just something I need to talk to you about. Sit them down and say, listen, I don't want to be a lawyer. I want to be in law enforcement. And then that's it. And let them react,

how they're going to react. but you do what you want to do in life. I wouldn't have such a bleak look about, you're definitely informed, but you don't want to get so dark that you bung people out that you say stuff like debt slaves. There's also people that go to college for one year

and they meet somebody else and then all of a sudden they build a computer and they make fucking billions of dollars. There's all different ways you can do it. There's also ways go to a fucking community college for two years and then transfer into the fucking more expensive, fancier school. The piece of paper is still going to say that you graduated from there.

You're going to cost you half as much. There's a bunch of ways to do it. All right. But I would just sit down, just tell your parents what the deal is. Just let them know, like I said, that you didn't get anybody pregnant and you're not fucking on drugs. So they can fucking relax. All right. Boston or Chicago for a lady.

Hey, Billy Burger Tits. I'll have you know that I'm back into working out. I'm back doing push-ups. I don't have burger tits. I have slider tits. Thank you very much. I'm a 28-year-old engineer from the North Shore there. Went to school in Boston, now work in Boston,

and I live in Somerville, saying you rent. That used to be called Slummerville. Now it's all fucking hipsters and cupcake places and all that. It's amazing. I started dating this girl. a little over a year ago, who lives in Somerville, too, but it's from Chicago. Oh, but he's from Chicago.

She just got a new job in Chicago and is moving back there in a month. We talked about this happening before and kind of just decided to play it by beer, she said, and deal with it when it comes. Well, it came, and short-term solution is that I will stay in Boston for the next year and do long-distance relationship. All right, wait a second. I started dating this new girl a little over. So you've been in it for a year. You're 28. Okay. So I guess my problem is that I'm kind of at an age where I should buy a house instead of throwing money away and rent. So if I decided to move to Chicago, I think we would settle down there and stay there. But I love living in the Boston area. Granted,

I've never lived anywhere else. So who knows what it will be like? I'm still very close with all my high school friends who all live around here. My old man's always on me about buying a house here and wants to fix it up together. If I move to Chicago, that doesn't help. Do I choose the girl and life most likely in Chicago or stay here, save up for a house, be close to friends and family and try to convince her to come back to Boston? Sorry a few years ago at the Wilbur. We'll be at the Garden Show in October with the boys.

Can't fucking wait, dude. Oh, thank you for that. I don't know, dude. Is she the one? That's what I would ask myself. I would, this is what I, well, how did you do this? Over the next fucking year, why don't you go out there and visit Chicago and see if you like it? And see if you still like that person.

The great thing is you don't have to make this decision right now. And if you wait another year to buy a house, no biggie, okay, as far as making a rash fucking decision, dumping this person or buying a place in Boston or buying a place out there before you know about it, I would just go out there and I'd get the lay of the land. I'd get the lay of the land there. I can tell you, Chicago is an incredible city. I love it. The food's amazing.

the people are amazing. The sports there are incredible. But, you know, who's kidding who? You're always going to be a Celtics, Bruins, Red Sox, and Patriots fan. You just have to be. But now you got the sports packages and all of that. But I can't tell you, since 1995, I have been living behind enemy lines as a sports fan. I don't think it'll be as bad in Chicago. I just lived New York in L.A., so it was like fucking Yankee fans and Laker fans.

So it's just that bullshit. Also during the curse of the Bambino. But that is a big decision. And I don't know how much you're into this person. All right. I would think of as your soulmate. It would be a no-brainer. And you just go wherever the fuck she was going.

Within reason, though, because you can meet your fucking soulmate. You know, if they're going to some shit hole, you know, you're not going to want that. But Chicago is not a shit. whole. Yeah, I mean, I obviously, I can't make this decision for you. But if you think, I don't know, you know, you know when you're with the right fucking person. So if you feel that, then I wouldn't, you know, worry about going somewhere where she lives. Because it's Chicago. I mean, that's a good move. Chicago's fucking great. One thing, he went from Boston to like, fucking, I don't know, Albany. No offense, Albany, but you know what the fuck.

I don't do it. I can't make this fucking decision for you. But I wouldn't buy a house or move out there until you figured it out. How about that? Your high school friends, but you guys are all going to get married and have kids and then you're never going to fucking see each other anyways. I can tell you that. Or barely see each other.

Or fucking go out and have to be home by 9.30 or 10 o'clock for the sitter, which is a really healthy life, which is why I wished, you know, I got married and had kids a long fucking time ago. I wouldn't be fucking out there running around, um, staying out all hours of the night, which is what I would do because I didn't want to go back to the empty, lonely hotel room. So I would stay out as long as I could until I was about ready to fall asleep. I would just come into the hotel room and just fucking collapse. Um, so there you go. There's my advice from a fucking moron comedian. All right. That was my, my opinion as a man. As a man. I'm a man. For me.

Anyways, all right, Go Celtics. Game two. Red Sox and Yankees tied in first place, which is fucking awesome. Red Sox was on fire. Now we've cooled off. Now the Yankees are on fire.

Tide for first place. And maybe they're a game ahead. It's right where you want it. It's right where you want it. It's no fun being in first place if the Yankees aren't there. It's a Red Sox fan. Okay. And we've played each other six times.

And we're three and three. So hopefully we'll get to, you know, battle it out in September. Maybe we both make the playoffs. We meet once again in October. That's what I'm hoping for. And hopefully the Lakers get fucking good again so we can beat their asses in the final next year. God knows they'll go out and fucking get a whole bunch of free agents. Who doesn't want to play out there? Racist L.A. It's always summer. And you can fuck movie stars. All right. That's it. As opposed to racist Boston. We've got to deal with the winners. And for the most part, you go walk around. fucking sixes and sevens.

Well, I guess you'd fuck tens, but there's not as many tens in Boston. And the best tens, the top of the line tense, they all leave. They all go to the major, like New York or fucking L.A. And then New York and L.A. claim them as if they're from there, but they're not. Like, New York City is a free agent town, as is L.A. There's just a bunch of fucking people coming in there. So anyways, all right. it. That's the podcast for this week. I will

check in on you on Thursday. Thanks for all the kind notes about the Bill Hater interview. I'd like to do more of those in the future. And that's it. And if you haven't checked out Barry yet on HBO, promoted against might be my favorite show out there right now. All right, that's it. Go fuck

yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday.