Monday Morning Podcast - Bears, Open Carry, Salmon | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-16-25

Episode Date: October 16, 2025

Bill rambles about bears in the woods, open carry laws, and man made salmon. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (31:06) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 10-16-17 - Bill rambles about the NFL caring, moving your head, and shoplifting. (01:43:24) - Anything Better Podcast - NFL Week 7 Preview with Paul Virzi. Bill is carrying Paul with another 3-1 week.  Paul is on life support with another 1-3 week. Truewerk:  Upgrade your day with workwear built like it matters. Get 15% off your first order at www.TRUEWERK.com with code BURR.  Robinhood:  You expect more from yourself. Expect more from your money. Get started today at www.robinhood.com/yourmoney  BetMGM: Download the app and use code BURR  

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in. Checking in on you. Oh, Jesus, what's going on? How are you? Hope everything's good with you. I have low-key become a Seattle Mariners fan. Here the rhyme of the ancient mariner. That's what I would be playing before the game. da-da-da-da-da-cha-ch-ch-cha-ch-ch-cha-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch---------------dh. Maybe, like, 800-over-5-year-old guys, white guys with tribal tattoos. No, tribal tattoos was the 90s, with bud-man tattoos flipping out. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Da-da-da-da-da for the crew. Anyway, sorry. I missed the, I watched last series. They don't even give you a fucking chance with the MLB playoffs with the cold weather coming. I was just stretching my legs thinking I missed game one. It was already game three. And the fucking Mariners.

The curse it lives on in his eyes. Won the first two games in Toronto. The second one handily. Absolutely destroyed him. And I was like, holy shit. The Mariners are on their way to the goddamn World Series. They have never been to the World Series ever in their entire existence. Interesting fact.

They had a team. They had a baseball team before the Seattle Mariner. They were called the Seattle Pilots as in aviation, I believe. Didn't go well. they left and I believe they became the Milwaukee Brewers I think that's what happened

because Milwaukee has lost the Braves which they got from Boston and they may have even been the Baltimore Braves before that. These are the kind of things that I kind of know that don't help me in life interestingly enough the Brewers playing the Dodgers

there's some sort of connection there see i got the connection but i don't have the cool fucking answer anyway so i finally tune in yesterday me and my family took a little car trip up to big bear and uh we're fucking up here and uh i put the goddamn game on and it was like fucking 12 to 2 Toronto oh my gosh shit and they were just fucking it was like what Seattle did to Detroit that one game

where all of a sudden one person hits a home run and it just becomes contagious and they just start shelling people like that's what was happening so I don't know like I said I literally became a Brewers fan during that Detroit game because of that first basement Josh who's built like Dustin Bufflin and he had a collision with this guy

on first base and set the dude flying and then he like fucking stole third base I'm like who the fuck is this guy? I love this guy and also I feel like the 95 Mariners was one of the most underrated as far as fun teams to watch

so I was like I fuck it you know my team lost to the Yankees I'll I'll root for the Mariners so we shall see I don't know but somewhere along the line I kind of hate I don't like the Blue Jays more then I don't like the Yankees

which doesn't make sense but it all comes from Getty Lee that was the straw that broke the camels back Getty Lee was getting interviewed and he was at a Toronto Blue Jays game and they were playing the Red Sox and he pointed at a Red Sox fan

going look at this fucking guy and he just started shitting on him like Getty Lee was like you know going to do something like Getty Lee and his base weren't stuffed into a locker every other day in high school. All of a sudden, you know, the guy's a rock star

and he starts talking like he's going to fucking start throwing people around in the bleachers. And I just was like, you know what? This isn't just Getty Lee. This is all Toronto Blue Jay fans. Fuck that team. I swear to God. He just caught me in the wrong mood.

And I am just like fucking, you know, German-Irish math fuck that whole thing You know And then I also hate Another thing I hate about Toronto Is I fucking root for the goddamn Leafs every year

And I'm like on their side I don't want to see the drop go any longer I thought we had a common Person we didn't like You know We were going to be mean girls To the fucking Canadians But no

They're like no Fuck you too It's weird Because they're Canadian But they kind of have a fuck everybody vibe up there. I don't know what their deal is. I think because they're the biggest, they're the media center of basically half of North America, but most of North America doesn't care.

Maybe that's what it is. Because I never thought that Russia's music had that aggressive type A, you know, athlete. Who the fuck is this fucking guy? And all of the said, Gettie Lee's doing that. Now, listen, I can separate the man from his music, okay? Getty Lee, the rock star, I have no problem with. But Gettie Lee, the baseball fan, like, you know, he ever comes to Fenway, and I happen to be there, we're going to have words. Hey, Getty, why don't you say something now, dude?

What's the matter? You're not near a Timmy Horton, so all of a sudden you fucking got no balls anymore? Speaking of no balls, you know, I have fears in life. Some of them irrational. One of them is bears. And we're staying in a place called Big Bear. So I'm fucking nervous, you know. Not only is it a bear, it's a big bear.

That's redundant. Bears are big. But the fact that you then have to call it big bear, these must be like, you know, it's like white guys in Nebraska, you know? They just make them big out there, you know, and they block for fucking Mike Rozier. Cornfed. They got corn fed bears up here, big bear, right? So anyway, I'm out getting coffee. And, you know, I tell my wife and kids, I go, dude, there's like bears here, there's fucking, you know, there's fucking.

mountain lions, coyotes, all of this shit. So keep your head on a fucking swivel. Do you know? Not saying don't go out in the backyard. I'm just saying, you know, situational awareness. Which is so stupid because these things are lightning quick and they sneak up on you. So anyway, I'm fucking coming back from getting coffee. Go in town to get coffee, right?

As you do, I take a coffee order. Traumatized dad doesn't want to sit around the house and fucking and have his memories come in. Hey, anybody, is there a job to do? Can I get in the fucking rented fucking car and go somewhere? All right. Yeah, I do that shit, right? So I go down to get coffee, and on the way back, I can't, you know,

every fucking house looks the same up here. I'm like, I don't know where the fuck I am. What's our address again, right? So my wife goes, FaceTime me. Like, so I'm like, all right, so I FaceTime her. And she's videoing in the backyard. there's a giant big bear black bear in the backyard fucking house like you know you know those new fucking incredibly cool looking vokes wagon buses that they just it looked like it was that big

she goes oh my god she goes i was outside stretching and i looked over and it was just fucking laying on the grass looking at me eating berries or some shit so i ran into the house so i'm like jesus christ keep the kids in the house right so i pull into the fucking driveway I don't have a key to the house. I'm standing there with this fucking little to-go cardboard crate, three coffees. So I go up, I go to open the front door. It's locked, which is good because fucking bears don't open doors now. These 2.0 fucking bears, right?

So I knock on the door semi-frantically, enough to get attention but not draw attention, right? because there's a bear on the property. So it's a big glass door. My wife, bless her heart. She comes walking up and as she walks to the door, she stops and does the, oh my God, right? And all of a sudden I feel like Chi Chi and Scarface. Like, Tony, open the fucking door, right?

I go, open the fucking door, right? And she looks to me like, what the fuck? Because, you know, she's a woman. It's in the backyard. The bear is in the backyard, right? I'm sorry, well, what if it has a friend in the front yard? Or cubs or some shit? One of my grizzly adams, open the fucking door, right?

So she opens the door, and she's looking at me like, what? And I'm like, what, what, there's a bear on the fucking property? Like, let me in the house. Now I'm going, Mark Wahlberg. that early movie he had, right before Boogie Nights, when he was right, you know, right the people, you know, let me in the house! Yeah, so she let me in, and then there was just, like,

weird energy in the house, like, she's looking at me, like, why did you just fucking yell at me? And I just had to, like, fucking calm down and just be like, all right, you know, she's not going to get it. You know, and then she tried to say, I thought you had a key. And then I felt like Joe Pessie and Casino. you know oh you didn't know that's why you had it ready same thing you thought i had a key that's why i'm knocking whatever but then you know i sat down i had a couple of tips of my coffee and i just

i just said there is no fucking way i'm going to try to make this point to my wife i'm going to do some breathing exercises i'm just going to fucking let it go because you know she goes well bill she goes it left it left it's i always said oh yeah did it tell you where it was going it's all of a sudden now she's an expert no it probably went over to the next person's yard you know it's fucking oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah city girl what else is the bear doing what else wait a minute you watch a lot of those national geographic things late at night with the kids. Maybe you do know something.

When the black bear leaves your yard, it goes over to the next person's yard, and it will no longer try to eat your husband. I can't do that guy's voice. Oh my God, open the fucking ladies. Any ladies listening to this? If there's a bear on your property, the front door's locked, and your dumbass husband, the only thing he has to throw at it is fucking at this point

room temperature coffee open the fucking door Jesus Christ I lived every fucking movie except the one I was the most afraid of the revenant Oh shit Anyway So I'm a Mariners fan There we go back on track

Still sipping my coffee here Jesus Christ Remember that? Cheechy opened the fucking door and it right across the Uzi Oh the Uzi Everybody loved an Uzi in the 80s That fucking thing

It looks so like It looks so archaic now But that thing was the slickest, coolest In any movie If somebody had a fucking Uzi like a fucking blackboard eraser with a magazine hanging out of it I always saw machine guns

or semi-automatics or for people who suck at shooting you know what I mean I really think that this should just be like you know like I feel like the semi-automatic unless you're in a war, I get that. But just for like the regular homeowner, if you have like a semi-automatic or an automatic weapon,

I don't know if they're legal. Semi is, right? I don't know if fully automatic is. But that's like the gun version of being like, hey, Siri! Can you kill this serial killer that just came in my house? I'm sorry. I don't understand.

that's the same thing you just grab that fucking gun and you just i mean you can see where you're missing and then correct and then you do it um anyway and then the shotgun is just that's the perfect like oh my god you know just blah and then you have the fucking old school revolver that took skill You know, we should go back to that. I wonder if gun people would go with that, like, all right, dude, everywhere you go is open carry, but all you're allowed to have is a sick shooter. That's it. You can have it right on your hip like fucking Clint Eastwood.

Every fucking where you go. We'll get your customized handle, carve a four-wheel, your four-wheeler into it, you know, or your truck, whatever the fuck you want. And I'm not making fun of you either, because I have a four-wheel-learn. I own a truck, and I like all of that shit. But I'm just saying. Anyway,

I was fucking death scrolling on YouTube, because I was like, well, it's not Instagram, so I'm off social media. That means I'm a good person before I realize, like I'm just sort of transferring this behavior. You know, I don't drink anymore, but I smoke weed every day. I was doing like the video version of that, right? So this guy had like these traffic cones, which you wouldn't think would stop anything.

So he had them all lined up. And he goes, all right. And the last thing was like a dummy sitting in a chair. So he just worked his way up from a 22 to a 50 caliber pistol to then that fucking sick ass. like can stop a tank. You ever see that gun? Come on, you guys know what it is. It literally looks like it has binoculars

at the end of it. At the end of the muzzle. It just goes, 20001,0002, 2003. And like nine miles away, it just goes, right? He went all the way up to that.

So the 22 could only get through like three cones. I think it hit the third cone and it bounced off. I was surprised at that and then even like he went up to like the dirty hairy 44 Magnum that didn't make it all the way to the dummy

the 50 caliber came close and then when he finally had the I figured he had a lot of traffic codes it was like 12 of them but still I didn't think that they were going to be any match once you got up to like the 357 and a 4 and also I don't know anything about it But I will tell you this, though, I fucking, I do enjoy looking at them. You know, my ears are just fucking too messed up to go to, like, a gun range and shit.

I know they have hearing protection, but I just don't need to be doing other loud shit. But the same way I like old cars and manual transmission, I just, the revolvers are just the coolest-looking ones. I mean, oh my God, a 44 Magnum, all black with that wood handle. I mean, dare I say, it's fucking gorgeous I mean, I would just have that on the wall just to look at it, you know? I got one on the fucking wall, I got one on my bed, I got a lamp made, I can fucking turn a lamp on

and blow your fucking brains out. it is a smart idea though to have a weapon in every room it seems paranoid until you need it and then you're like oh thank god oh how convenient um anyway so it's thursday everybody i have a new gambling theory if you want to hear mine let's let's do gambling theories this is my gambling theory It's worked two weeks in a row, so it's almost, it's almost fact. I was kidding who. There's no facts in gambling.

All right. So my thing, Thursday night game, division rivalry, take the points, okay? I've always been big on taking the points in a division rivalry game, unless it's like a pickam or whatever, then I'll go with the favorite. But anything, when it starts to get four or five points, I like to take the underdog. you know they see each other twice a year they know each other that doesn't make any sense it's like even through all of those tom Brady years and even when the dolphins suck they still somehow beat us once a year so you use that theory and then the fact that it's a Thursday game I think it just it

the Thursday game elevates the worst team and brings down the better team okay so what do we got We got Joe Flacco versus Aaron Rogers, okay? Joe recently got activated. He's been backing up. Aaron Rogers is totally rejuvenated in Pittsburgh, so I would give him the nod. However, it's only four days rest, so they're both banged up. They're both in their 40s. That sort of makes them a little more even.

Same thing with coaches. And then the game plans on Thursday are really simple. They don't have a whole week to try to break down the other. the team so they just sort of keep it meat and potatoes and i think that that elevates the underdog so i'm taking the fucking bengals uh getting five and a half that was the line when i saw it i first did this two weeks ago with the 49ers i think against the rams i forget and then last week i didn't do it but i kept an eye on it and the underdog one again um these are just theories people well it's just a theory it's just the theory of mine i said it i'm throwing it out there there you go all

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he went to the doctor got blood work some levels are high some levels are low but overall he's okay he told me to lay off the eggs and I just said to the guy said can we can we just fucking you know

the eggs are like the Jeff George of fucking breakfast foods you know what are we getting here this is a top tier quarterback is this guy really this big a pain in the ass he's got a cannon for an arm he's winning fucking games but then all of a sudden everybody's like fuck this guy

I don't get it eggs are the same way eggs are great for you then they're bad for you everybody's eating egg whites and then they became good again and now they're fucking bad again the guy goes what do you think about egg whites i'm like actual egg whites i don't have a problem with them but that shit in one of one of those little cartons yeah i'm not fucking that whatever that is i know they're not egg whites and i know that

there's plastic inside that cardboard so it doesn't soak through and that probably sat in some heat somewhere right so what do i have i have fucking some sort of embryo with with uh my microplastics in it that's going to bring my cholesterol down i'm all right i'm all set on that so i just got to eat some oatmeal you know i got to eat more fish i don't like eating fish i'm not a fish guy all right i see what we've done to the ocean i'm like why don't we just fucking leave the fish alone let let the schools build back up again you know and then i've also seen that man-made salmon you know like by the way if you're making man-made salmon is there a fucking reason you can't make it in a healthy way do you have to make that much money that there's

fucking maggots and cloudy shit over the fucking things eyes these people i swear to god they're just fucking you're going to feed that to people how was that not terrorism how is that not fucking uh treason i don't know how i know why because they're not telling jokes that's why that's what separates it you can poison the food supply and you can sell people arms there you guy i get it i get it just don't fucking tell them jokes oh jesus oh jesus We got our fucking priority straight around here. Poison that person.

Do not make them laugh. Understood. Sir, yes, sir. Yes, Sergeant. That many other passive-aggressive comments to come. Anyway, plowing ahead here. So I just got to eat better, which is fine. Which is fine.

You know what I mean? Oh, Billy Belly's got to take it down. I gained this weight, and I've had it on for five fucking years, you know, since my son is born, the pandemic and all of that shit, and a thousand other fucking excuses. So now, but I'm locked in. I have a doctor now. I get blood work done.

And I'm just going to go there every, like, six months, check in. All right? You don't see me dying in the next six months? All right, good. Oh, you do? All right. Well, let's fix that. just being a responsible old dad is what I want to do and uh anyway I got to get stricter as a dad

my kids just don't respect me and it's their complete lack of respect and the jokes that they make what I try to tell them to do something and they it just makes me laugh which makes them more disrespectful so it's I'm in this circle of silliness with them um even my daughter said it I'm like why don't you guys listen to me? She goes, because you're the fun parent. Everybody knows that. Fun parent, read, crushing need to be liked, overriding the job that I need to be doing.

Every once in a while, though. Every once in a while, though. But I really have to, I got to go up like three octaves before they listen to me. I got to throw out at. Guys! That's when I'm halfway there. But when I do it.

fall on hey then it always causes them to jump and then i feel bad so i got to work on my regular speaking voice you know and i got to sort of inject a little i'm not fucking around here you know a little art form or whatever fucking dodgers is that but we're really going to watch another billion dollar fucking team win it again it's so stupid so dumb you know What, what, I just, I don't understand. But Major League Baseball is all right, though, because the brewers are in it. The fucking Mariners are in. It's like, all right, well, there's some things coming around here.

Blue Jays, you know, Blue Jays haven't been this far in a while, right? So there's sort of parody, but not, but yes. Like, I don't know where the Dodgers got all this fucking money. They were literally going bankrupt or something. Magic Johnson came in. Magic Johnson, who like nobody really seems to understand that that guy is as good a businessman as he was a basketball player. I mean, I think he was already crushing it in the business world

like before he was done playing. Amazing. But I haven't said that. You know, you spend $750 million on one. fucking player and I know they don't give it to that's his overall contract but still you had the fucking money you know no wonder that guy pays his interpreter so much you know but you got to watch out you know you try to be a good shit next thing you know your interpreter is 14 million dollars in debt i mean it's gambling debts i mean it's a slippery slope all right that's the podcast everybody

enjoy the football this weekend uh have a great weekend you can't and i'll talk to you on monday Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 16th, 2017. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Freckles is in a good mood. He is in a great move. What a fucking great win.

A gutty great win by the New England Patriots, non-controversial. Nothing to complain about. I don't understand what the Jets are going. It was clearly, hey, the guy looked like you ever see when people join the mafia and they got to hold that little candle? Like he was doing that from one hand or another. Clearly, not a catch.

I mean, oh, he caught it and then it was a fumble. I'm fucking with you, you're green cunts. I don't get it either. That looked like a touchdown to me. And you know what sucks? I wish that they called it a touch. Because then it would have been tied up, and I could have watched Tom Brady go right down the field and break your fucking green hearts once again. The fucking nerve are you jet fans to act like you got fucked out of a victory.

What you got fucked, you know what you got? The refs gave you mercy. They gave you some mercy. Let's just put them out of their fucking misery. Come on, man. Think of how many you fucking fair weather bastards because of that call will be able to go down there and get to your fucking green and white. Hyundai, whatever the fuck it is, you're driving, right? And left the stadium early because of that wonderful, accurate call.

I'm fucking with you guys. I'm just being a douche. I don't get it either. I don't, I wish there was a call. I wish it was called the touchdown. They don't have been tied up. It would have been an exciting game. I mean, it was an exciting game.

But, you know, add to the drama tie score. Who's going to win? The Jets, who the Patriots have used as a fucking blow-up doll for the last. 15 years. They're sick of it. They're sick of losing to these New England patriots, these Patriots of New England. This is what I love. You know, what was my favorite part of that game was when the Jets scored the first touchdown to go up seven to nothing. If you can look at the highlight, look in the crowd, the dude, the Jet fan with the, he's got the jersey on, he's holding his smartphone, and he's giving double fingers at like one of the New England Patriots

defensive backs. Like, fuck you. And I can admit, as a sports fan, I know what that feeling is like, you know, I haven't known it for a good 15 years, 16, 17 years. But I, you know, the first 32 years of my life, 34 years, you know, dependent on the sport was, well, that's what it was. We just did not win. That I, I saw myself back when the Patriots would always lose to the Dolphins at Damarino. Like, we'd finally sack them somehow, finally. sack him and he'd be on the ground and be like, fuck you! Like, we finally got him.

So I took that as a nod of respect to the Patriots as much as the, plus the guy, he's a real fan, man. If he gives his shit that much. So anyways, I'm out here. I am manic right now because I am in a mild depression. I miss my family so much. I'm going to try to, I don't get him to fly out here this week. It's just fucking ridiculous.

I got to see my kid one way another I got to see my kid so I've just been I just been fucking watching sports everybody that's all I've been doing I mean I know I always do it but like I literally was like what am I going to do on Saturday you know they don't shoot on weekends what am I going to do out here I don't know what the fuck to do with myself so I drove three hours up and three hours back I went to that Tennessee volunteer game against the the South Carolina Gangcox of SCCX in Honol

and they're gonna be swapping some paint I went up there and it was fucking awesome it was a great drive you know if you're a comedian you gotta love driving after well

and you also got to love driving by yourself you know if you're a comedian you don't like doing that you usually end up getting an acting career or a writing career

or you just fucking quit the business I don't know what it is but I've always enjoyed it So I had a great time driving up there. I never drove from Atlanta into Chattanooga up to fucking Knoxville. I want to see what it looks like. And I was driving up there. It was a 12 noon game, so I didn't leave it like fucking quarter to eight in the morning.

But this is good because it's going to go all the way up there. It's going to be three hours for the game and three hours to drive back. By the time I get back, I can still do a spot down the street at the club. Ian Edwards is going to be down there, one of the best fucking comedians in the country. that nobody Not enough people know about All right Like I looked up the other day

I looked up this guitarist I found this guitarist That you know For the while It was known as the greatest guitarist Nobody ever heard of Like Danny Goughton Or something like that

I gotta get his fucking name right The guy's unbelievable He's I mean unfortunately He's dead But uh you know The guy was She was like a fucking Yeah Danny Gatton

Gatton Look that guy's up. And there's a thing when he plays Austin City Limits where I'm going to be next week. I'm at the new one, not the one he was at. They say, he plays a song where they say with a beer can. He actually does it with a beer bottle. I've seen people

do it with the slide and all that, but watch what happens because the beer gets all over, like, starts you know, there's beer in there, so it starts fizzing up. It gets all over his fretboard, and then he puts a towel over the fretboard to dry it off while

continuing to play. I've never seen. I mean, I've seen a lot of tricks. It was fucking amazing. So Ian Edwards, I'm telling you, you got to see that guy. It's just, there's something wrong with our fucking business that more people don't know who that guy is. So I was like, I got to go down and go see him, do a set.

And plus, not only that, that'll take up my whole fucking Saturday. Then I'll stay out late enough to come home, fall asleep, boom, done, right? So anyway, so I'm driving up to no. northern fucking Georgia into Southern Tennessee. And there's all this fucking traffic. So the robot lady and my phone starts talking to me, creeping me out, telling me there's a

quicker way. It's just like, how do you have time to pay attention to me? Who are you? But thank you. So I get off the fucking road and I'm driving up north there and I went by this fucking house. You know those houses where somebody

just has like 20 old cars sitting in the front yard? This fucking lunatic had like 30 not cars he had riding mowers not like the landscape level ones like the ones like your dad had you know and you try to fucking you know steal the keys to take it out or whatever you'd run over a friend of yours and he'd lose a foot or whatever you know that type of shit Jesus what's going on out here oh christ is the gay pride parade still going on is anything on fire um they had the gay pride parade out here

went right by the hotel yesterday and uh you know it's fucking funny there's always one guy who has to just ruin it you know what I mean there's always one guy that just ruins it for everybody else like you know sports fans are cool and then just one douchebag at a Panthers game has to turn around

and blast a 63 year old guy in the face not once not twice not three times a lady four fucking times at least they caught the guy dude that guy is looking, I think, at some serious jail time. Serious fucking jail time. You know, the first two, maybe he could get some fucking, you know, Andy Griffith Lower going, well, you know, motions were running high and that guy.

He said a lot of names calling him, going back and forth. You know, he just, well, you got a little bit hot on the collar. Right? Maybe he could, I don't know what. Just get him a couple, like a month in jail or something. It's the fact that they broke it up and he came back for those last two brutal ones. Jesus Christ. And I hope old people learn something out there, okay?

As much as it hurts your lower back, you got to keep that head moving. You can't just be a stationary target. These goddamn old people, you know, it's like if you want to talk shit, you got to move your fucking head. I'm sorry. Anyways, this fucking guy, he had like 30 riding lawnmowers sitting in his front yard. I was doing like 70 miles an hour when I drove past it, and I wasn't going to stop because I was worried I wasn't going to get to the game in time. And it was fucking hilarious.

The ironic part was like the grass had all grown up around him. This front yard needed to be mowed, but he couldn't mow it because he had, you know, he had all the fucking tractors. Do you get it, people? There's a joke in there somewhere. I just don't know where. Anyways, I ended up getting up to the stadium, the Tennessee game, place I always wanted to go to.

And it was fucking awesome. And not only that, as a freckled borderline albino cunt, I picked the perfect row. I called up Stubhub, and I told him, I said, I'm an old man who gets sunburned. I want to be in the lower deck right above the roof of the upper deck. And the lady's like, okay, well,

actually for once I looked at the stadium map, you know, and, you know, soon. He's like, I know you don't give a fuck. You just sold a ticket to a fucking World Cup game. Now I'm, and I brought you into Tennessee. You don't even know where you're at. So I went with row 57 and it was the perfect row. It was the last fucking row that the sun didn't touch because I was on the visitor's side. If you ever go to the stadium, the sun creeps up the visitor's side. It goes down on the home side. So it creeped all the way up to row 56. And at the end the game it was it was on like from like mid-calf down i fuck it i nailed it i mean actually if i did

58 it would have been perfect but um it was just it was an awesome time one of the biggest stadiums i believe it's the fifth largest stadium as far as the amount of people that it holds and it's an old school stadium fuck i didn't even have the nerve to go in the bathroom i just saw this door that looked like a fucking closet door and i was like there's a bathroom in there there's no way there's not piss troughs in there and i am not peeing in a fucking piss troughs in there and i am not peeing in a fucking piss trough i'm not doing it and um i got to tell you when you're on the lower level and you're walking through there you feel like you're in a bunker if you're claustrophobic i wouldn't do it um i got all these great pictures i got a poster man they're just like the stadium is so

fucking cool and i have to go there you know they have a decent team i want to go there when to an cc game at night under the lights when it fucking matters um underrated city knoxville underrated Chattanooga. Tennessee's the shit. You go to Nashville. Nashville is like Austin, Texas, where it's just everybody's moving. Or Atlanta, everybody's just, they're just fucking overcrowded. And they're two great cities.

So I went there, you know, the fucking band's playing. You know, there wasn't a bunch of screaming and yelling. They didn't have giant flat screen fucking TVs and explosions and shit. It was just, it was like old school, just going to a game. There was a hilarious guy in my

section, which there always is. You just can't hear them now when you go to a game. It was this fucking big fat dude, dude, there was a lot of fatties at the game. Tennessee, what's going on up there? Lay off the fucking barbecue. Jesus Christ, I can tell why you guys love those fucking checkered overalls. Hold your fucking beer belly really nicely. This guy was fucking hilarious.

He looked like he was dressed like Herb Tarlick, except it was all Tennessee gear. And he was so fucking amped up for the game. And he was getting the section going. and he would always get right up to the borderline. Is this guy fucking nuts? And then you'd look at him, he'd have this shit-eaten grin on his face, like laughing at himself, knowing that he was nuts, that he was getting this amped up for the game.

But it was a great game, and I stayed till the end, like my mother taught me. And it came right down to the last play. I fucking, you know, I videotaped it while I looked over so I could watch it, you know, live and not look at it through my screen. And it looks like the guy had a chance. It looked like it wouldn't right through his, his fingers and it didn't work.

Whatever. And then I drove fucking back. I came down here. I went down to the laughing skull. And I got to watch the great Ian Edwards. Just fucking blew me away. I'm telling you right now, if you get a chance to see that guy live,

you got to do it. You got to do it before he blows up. Hung out with him, some of his friends. Got a grilled cheese sandwich and some French fries late night. Oh, Jesus. Just eating like a fat chick on prom night. I'm depressed, all right?

I'm fucking dealing with this shit. So anyways, so that was that day. So then Sunday comes along. I'm like, well, how am I going to kill this day of loneliness? And it's like, oh, shit, the Atlanta Falcons are home. They got a fucking home game. Holy shit, they're playing the dolphins. Fucking Jake Cutler.

I'm going to go see. I've already saw them play against the Rams this year. No, the Chargers this year. I'll go down and go check up. And evidently, the, uh, the fucking Falcons have this new dome stadium that's going to be unbelievable. So I was like, all right, I'll go to this fucking game. Last time I was here was in fucking 2000 in 4.

I saw Michael Vic back when he was drowning the dogs and nobody knew. The most electrifying fucking football player I ever saw. Every time he went out of the pocket, the whole stadium stood up like it was the last play of a championship game and a Hail Mary was coming. Place would go crazy, right? So I'm like, all right, I'm going to go over there. I don't have a ticket. I'll scalp a ticket. I'll sit at the top of the stadium.

Who gives a fuck? So I get over there, and there's like no scalpers. And I'm like, what the fuck? Oh, no, no. I didn't, the gay pride parade. I walked through the gay pride parade. I got to get back to the one guy who ruins it. So it's a typical gay pride parade.

A bunch of people fucking rainbows on their faces, you know, a couple guys walking around in high-heel shoes. Gay pride parade. Everybody's having a good time. What's not the fucking like, right? There's always the one dude who has to ruin it. This fucking jerk off is standing

there on the side of the road. He has like a fucking giant dick and balls like balloon animal. That was like three quarters to sides of his body. This giant pink, erect fucking dick with balls. And it's just like, dude, there's

kids here. This fuck, what is wrong with you? This is what blows my mind is you're able to do that at the gay pride parade. I'm trying to think of a parade that I could go to with a giant inflated vagina with kids around and just in public

I just don't think you could do it but anyways hey hey I'm trying to be progressive God bless this guy with this giant dick and balls like fucking twisted up balloon in them I actually had to wonder

if that was like a plant from the religious right to show all gay people represent them as like they just see sexually deviant fucking people you know like you always see those conspiracy theories that they have, you know, whenever there's a peaceful demonstration, they send somebody down there to throw a rock through a window just to get everybody going to start rioting. So they, you know, all the people protesting get to be lumped in with that one douche.

So whatever. So I totally judge this guy with his giant fucking balloon twisted dick and balls going, what a fucking, what the fuck is wrong? How the fuck was this guy raised? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Smash cut to me not even 20 minutes later when I find there's no scalpers. and I go up to the fucking one of the ticket windows.

They say they're sold out and the only way to get a ticket is I have to go on my phone to ticket master. And I have no idea how to do this. I've avoided computers. I don't know. I just, I'm bad with the shit.

You know what I mean? You know, like me trying to figure out this shit is like to ask somebody like somebody tone deaf to sing a fucking song. You know, it's just you can't do it, right? So could you tell I got a text message in the middle of that?

I didn't even finish off whatever funny thought I was trying to have there. Mildly amusing thought I was trying to have. So anyways, I fucking get over to the stadium. And now I got to figure out this ticket master thing. So I walk away like and just like cursing my fucking brains out. Fucking goddamn fucking cock sucking Buck Rogers, fucking cunty bullshit. Walking by kids and shit. And I see parents looking at me like, dude, what the fuck?

And in the way in the back of my head is that. that voice of reason. Hey, Bill, Bill, there's no reason to get this, to get this crazy. Come on. Reel it in. There's children here. And I just, the fucking demon in me, just, ah, fucking cock-sucking motherfucking cunt, right? So I sit down like a little fucking boy, like a little, like the little fucking baby that I am. Jesus Christ, Bill, download the fucking app and figure it out. I'm trying to figure out. It's not working. I'm just, every time it wouldn't work, I'm like, dude, what the fuck? I would literally yell that loud. People walking by looking,

Like, what the fuck is wrong with that guy, right? And finally, some 20-something security kid came walking by with his yellow coat. I was just like, dude, I'm an old bastard. I don't know how to do this. Can you help me out with this? And he was just like, yeah, just click on this, click on that again. All right, there it is. There's a ticket.

And I'm just sitting there looking at it saying. I'm like, this is a ticket? He's like, yeah, it's a ticket. I go, what do I do? And he's just laughing. He goes, just bring your phone. And then they scan it. I'm like, this is going to work?

And he's like, yeah. So now I'm standing. in line. I have so little faith that technology is going to work for me. All I could think of was Midnight Express in the beginning of the movie when the dude has the drugs tape to him. I'm like, I'm going to get, this

isn't going to work. They're going to toss me out of the fucking stadium, and I'm going to be out this, whatever, 100 bucks or whatever I paid for this ticket. And it went up. They scanned it, and it worked. And I was like, wow, how the fuck? It worked. Then I was just like, well, what's what if? How do I

add this to my all my stack of tickets. Do I got to fucking put my phone in there now? Do I take a picture of it and then print it out on my printer? And then that's the ticket? I don't get it. So anyways, I go into this stadium and Jesus Christ, I'm telling you, you got to fucking go to this stadium. This is the best NFL stadium out there. It is like, I mean, my top of the new ones.

Before that, I mean, you've got to go Cowboys Stadium. Even though that TV is just so fucking big and obnoxious, it's actually stupid. They took the TV out of there, the Cowboys. I think they would like, you know what I mean? The Cowboys Stadium is like, I don't know. You ever see like a beautiful woman that's just absolutely shit-faced and she's got like fucking lipstick on her teeth and red wine breath? And you're just like, oh my God, you know. And she's a 10, but you're like, get the fuck away from me, right?

That's what the Cowboys stayed. That's what that TV is. just fucks up the whole stadium. And the Seahawks have a great stadium, even though they're cheating, making their crowd sound louder than it is. But anyways, speaking of cheaters,

the fucking Atlanta Falcons, who got caught pumping crowd noise in. So I'm at this cheaters, right? I'm in the stadium, dude. It's fucking breathtaking. It's one of the cleanest design, sickest, fucking, like Jerry Jones is going to be upset. I'm sure he got on his private plane, you know, getting Botox injections on the way over there.

I'm sure when he walked in there, these goddamn motherfuckers, right? These goddamn motherfuckers. And he probably fucking, I don't know, God help the woman that he's banging that weekend. Jerry, I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Oh, shut the fuck up, bitch. Just taking out everything on her. Dude, that stadium is fucking, I felt like I was in a spaceship. It was fucking awesome.

And I'm just like, you know, and it was great. I'm missing my family. I'm down there. I'm just like, oh, good, good. Now I'm in a good mood. And, dude, I am sitting at the top of the stadium. And it's still fucking awesome. I was so fucking high up when the plays were happening.

You could kind of just watch the whole defense, you know? I love doing that when you go to a game when you sit up high, just watching the defense. You kind of have like in your peripheral where the ball's going and just trying to see, you know, the linemen if they come down and try to pick up a linebacker or something like that or like, you know, try to figure out which. receivers open. I'm a nerd. I love doing that shit. However, I got to tell you something, man. The experience of going to that game. I get that the NFL cares, but Jesus

Christ, I think the NFL has kind of forgot that sports is like an escape. You know what I mean? Especially now with social media and all that shit. You just can't get away with all the fucking, uh, just all the fucking shit that's

oh my God, this city just got hit by a fucking hurricane. This way, oh my God, Puerto Rico. then why aren't they getting help out there? You know what I mean? All these veterans are coming back, they commit suicide, blah, blah, blah, all this fucking shit. It's just, it's fucking brutal.

So what do you do? You need to shut it off for a while. You go to a fucking game. This was the experience at the Atlanta game. First of all, dude, it was so fucking loud in there. And just take all this with a grain of salt because I'm an old cunt. All right?

I get in, it was so fucking loud. They have these giant flat screens up at the top, all going around in a circle, and they're amazing. I don't think that they're too big, and they're not hanging down in your face, so they're not really that distracting or anything. But it was, like, the cheerleaders came out, and they fucking were playing this music. I felt like I was in an ACDC concert. It was that fucking loud, and all of a sudden, like, Sam Jackson, no, no, wait, before that, wait, before that, little John and another Atlanta rapper, I mean, I'm white as shit. I don't know who the fuck this guy is.

I'm sure he's great. Whatever. They did like a public service announcement on fan behavior, all right? Which I'm sure is based off the one cunt who fucking punched the 63-year-old guy four times in the face. So now we've got to get a lecture on how to be human beings. And they just sit there going like, you know, don't, you know, don't be discourteous to the people next to you. It was funny. It was really bland copy and watching little John trying to, like, add.

add something to it, was hilarious. At one point, they say, don't say anything racial. I believe that's what they were saying. It was so loud, it was echoing, and I couldn't hear it. And then there was something about not saying anything politically charged. Now it's just like, where the fuck am I right now? Who the fuck gives a shit about politics? I'm at a football game.

Who gives a fuck? I'm trying to think back when I was a kid. when I went to a Bruins Patriots game or something like that, you know, in the late 80s, I don't ever remember anybody yelling out shit about Mike Dukakis versus George Bush Sr. Anyways, let me get back to this guy real quick. Yeah, so they sit today,

this whole fucking thing happens. And then the fucking cheerleaders come out and they're playing some fucking crazy loud song all this fucking DJ shit They're out there dancing, shaking their ass I literally had my fingers in my ears Like, Jesus Christ, I should have brought earplugs to this fucking thing

And then out of nowhere, Sam Jackson starts fucking screaming at everybody to get up Something about the heartbeat. You know, we gotta fucking do this! First of all, it's like, Sam Jackson, you're from New York. When did you start giving a shit about the Falcons? You know what I mean? I mean, you were,

would think he had enough capital one money to take a fucking weekend off the guy's in star wars he is like capital one he's everywhere you want to be right this fucking guy's screaming and he's doing the whole fucking like it's something about a heartbeat he'd yelled some shit we got a fucking and then this giant heartbeat would go gu gu gu deafening and then they'd cut to like you know and when it was like beating they would cut to like an aladdin falcon like thumping his chest mean mugging you and i'm just like dude i'm not playing I don't need to get this amped up screaming and fucking yelling. It was so loud and so fucking distracting that I didn't even notice that the fucking players had taken the field.

And what alerted me that the players had taken the field was after Capital One, Sam Jackson had stopped screaming and the heartbeat had ended. All of a sudden, I hear a locomotive train horn. It just goes, what? Loud as shit. And they kicked the ball off So it was the cheerleys Yeah, yeah, get Sam Jackson Get the fuck up you motherfuckers

You know And then And after all of that shit The fucking ball just goes out of the back Of the end zone And then the announcer just goes Touchback Atlanta So I burst out laughing

And the lady next to me Starts laughing and I look at her like she saw what I saw and thought it was funny and she was just laughing because I made her uncomfortable because I was at the game by myself and I just bursted out laughing so I think I came off as like a crazy person

all right and then and then all this shit starts to happen okay and intertwined with all of this is like the trail of tears that for some reason the NFL I don't know what they're trying to do I understand that there's a lot of people suffering in the world.

I get it. I do benefits. I give the charities. You know, I try to do my fucking part. I don't know what the solution is. I don't know why we can't get along. I don't know why there's disease and all that. But what we do have is we have music and we have sports, and it's a way to kind of get away from it, right?

This is what the fuck I saw at the game. Okay? the game starts and they have a veteran who's missing a leg runs out with the flag which is uplifting but also depressing

he lost his leg I'm like ah fuck these fucking kids man this whole fucking generation generations at this point we've got to be in the second generation that's over there fighting fucking wars why do we try to solve things this way this poor fucking guy man

he's losing old he missed the he lost a leg all right so I'm thinking about people losing in the war. The lady goes out, the lady goes out to sing the national anthem. Now, it was so fucking loud when they announced, I forget what her cause was. There was some sort of ribbon and it was cancer-related. So we got the one-legged vet, and then I'm like, ah, fuck the veterans, ah, Jesus Christ, God, how do we get out of this fucking war? Right? I'm thinking about that.

Then I'm thinking about people with cancer. And then the coin toss, they bring this cute little boy out, nine-year-old kid or something, who survived bone marrow cancer. And then I start thinking, oh my god what if my that's horrible what if my kid ever got cancer how would I handle that what would I do oh my god

if my kid died I'd fucking kill myself I start thinking suicidal fucking thoughts here all right then the fucking game starts touch back Atlanta right they're playing all this shit

loud as fucking shit and I'm trying to shake off all the misery of the world that I've been reminded of like five different examples and then out of nowhere they show this guy on this screen and then they show this woman who's married to the guy

and she's now a widow because the dude died in Afghanistan and I'm like oh my God she lost her husband oh the poor woman that's fucking terrible and then they cut to her wearing an Atlantic Falcons jersey with their two kids who are now fatherless wearing the jersey smiling and waving at this giant fucking flat screen and all I'm thinking is like those fucking kids

are going to grow up without a father Second out of three Atlanta Right I'm just like what the what is going on here It was one of the most depressing Dude there was like nine minutes left In the first quarter And in case you missed the veteran running out with one leg They fucking showed that again

And all I could think at that point is like What is the halftime show going to be Am I going to watch somebody die in an iron lung Well, their family members are holding hands, crying. And then the PA announced it would be like, yeah, that's right. Look at it. Look at that misery. Do you people realize how lucky you are?

You don't have to spend your life in your own personal submarine, inhaling and exhaling? I mean, Jesus Christ, NFL, why stop there? How about every time they fucking throw the ball, you show me that? cow that was slaughtered so they could have the skin. Anytime they shoot t-shirts into the crowd, why don't you just show me the fucking sweatshop labor that put it together?

You know what it is? Caring is a great fucking thing, but how about you pick a cause? Rather, they I mean, what did they show in the I mean, I left. I left with like five minutes left in the second quarter. It was just like, you know what? This is a great stadium. I want to be here with

friends and shit. And I'm already depressed and I'm on the fucking road. I'm missing my family. I came here to get away from that sadness and I've been reminded that I'm kind of being selfish because there's people have way bigger sadness than I do. And somewhere in all of that, I saw a balloon fucking dick and balls, twisted fucking balloon animal

while kids were walking by. I'll tell you, it was a hell of a day, you know? So I actually, and I saw that the Jets were fucking coming at the pats And I was like, why don't I just go sit in a fucking bar and watch this thing? This is the other thing, too. Like, I just don't 100% buy that the fucking NFL truly cares that much. You know what I mean? Because, you know, they got busted.

Whenever they show a veteran in the crowd, we have one of our heroes here, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The whatever branch of the service they're showing, they have to pay the NFL. they considered a recruitment video, like a commercial. I heard they recently adjusted it. I don't know, but what the fuck? Right? How much fucking money do you have to make? So I believe the owners individually,

I believe that they all care about these causes. I'm sure all of them have had, you know, friends or whatever, fighting wars have been touched. You know, unfortunately, had a family or a friend that got cancer or something like that. but I really have to believe that just because it is a corporation and the way that they handled

and the way that they've handled their players you know what I mean with all the brain damage and shit and they just fucking ignored it allegedly after they knew about it and then when they did the class action suit against the NFL they basically gave every player like 800 or a thousand bucks

it just comes off like a PR move like that they feel that they can grow their brand This is my conspiracy theory. I'm not saying I'm right. I think the NFL resents soccer, that it's worldwide, and the UFC that started well after them that also went global. I think they want to go global, and I think they've reached the maximum amount of sports fans. So now they're trying to grow their brand through caring.

Everybody's trying to show how much they care. Or maybe it's a symptom of this fucking social media craziness where everybody's like, I don't know, just going nuts, screaming and yelling at people that they try to get out in front of it and care about every cause that's out there. I have no fucking idea, but all I know is I went to that game, you know, going, all right,

let me kill a day here and forget how much I'm missing my wife from my kid, and I went there, and it's just like, wow. I guess the good thing was I realized I don't have a lot. I don't have, my troubles aren't as big as other people's troubles. But Jesus, fucking Christ. NFL. How about you just pick one. Pick one. You know, the Fred Sox always had the Jimmy fun, you know, they had that. And it was it. That was, I mean, Jesus, it was fucking unreal. So, anyways, having said that, you got to go to the stadium. You got to go to the stadium. All right. But I would, before you go to the Falcon Stadium, I would recommend you watch Raising Arizona, watch something really. funny. Get yourself in a really elevated mood because they are going to bring you down. They are going to bring you fucking down. Jesus Christ. You know, I'm the only thing that they were,

you know, and plus it's also like what they choose to care about is really fucking like planned out too. Like, I'm waiting for one of those NFL teams to bring out a bunch of fucking recovered heroin addicts that got addicted through pain pills that they got through the pharmaceutical industry that is allegedly basically synthetic heroin dealers. Why don't they show that? Oh, that's right, because pharmaceutical companies advertise on those networks. They're not going to show that shit. They're not going to bite the hand that feeds.

They're not going to go, well, why do people keep getting cancer? Why is cancer through the fucking roof? Let's look at pesticides. Let's look at what we're doing to our food supply. Stay away from that. Stay away from that. Big on the military. Big on the military to the point literally of like I felt in a way,

that I was sort of in like a clockwork orange and they should have just had my eyes taped open as they're selling me, you know, our foreign policy like squirting tears into my eyes. It's just like, you know, it's like, guys, what you're getting involved with is way more complex than a football game, okay? So just keep it simple, stupid,

as people have always told me. So anyways, that was my experience. Overall, it was a great experience. I feel bad that I left the fucking game. My mother always taught me never to leave the game And I left, and the dolphins came back in one. And, oh, by the way, he was another loud thing. Anytime it was third down, this is fucking hilarious.

Anytime it was third down, this fucking lunatic would just go, Ah, third down to get the crowd, like, amped up. And it's just like, dude, I have a flat screen TV in front of me that is easily two and a half times the size of my fucking house, and it says third and two. I can see it. I don't know. But having said all that,

I'm going to give a shout out here to the whoever the fuck designed that fucking stadium. It is unbelievable. It's gorgeous. And the college Super Bowl is there this year. You want to blow some fucking money. And the Super Bowl is going to be there next year. It's fucking amazing.

It's amazing. And the NFL cares. You know, it's another great one. It's Ford Motor Cup. They've got a tie out there where they go 100% of the proceeds go to fight cancer, which is great because a lot of times it's a portion of the proceeds and they keep a lot of it. So I will commend Ford for that. But what's hilarious is their website is something like Fordcares.com. It's like, well, I'm glad you care about that because you certainly didn't give a fuck where you put the gas tank in the Pinto and the Crown Vic, did you?

Anyways, all right, that's it. I'm done with my sports rants here. But thank you to the NFL and thank you to the world of college sports. got me through this fucking weekend of loneliness. Thank you to the new punchline in Atlanta. I got to do a spot there last night in The Laughing Skull down the street. I've been having a great time

trying to stay sharp with my act. And I can't tell you the name. I don't know what I can. I can't talk about the movie that I'm in, but I think this one's going to be a fucking good one, dude. I am like really excited looking at all of like the shots that the director I don't want to say the director's name, because I never know what the fuck you can say and can't say it.

But the fucking shots that I've been seeing, it's literally I'm sitting like, dude, I'm going to be fucking in this thing. Now, watch, they're going to cut my, they'll cut my part out. When am I going to learn to keep my fucking mouse shut? All right, you know what? Let's do a little advertising here. All right, what do we got here? All right. Hey, guess what I started watching yesterday?

on Netflix. I watched the first episode of Narcos. And it's funny. I tried to watch it the first time. And I don't know. I think the subtitles, I got intimidated. Because in the beginning, they have this whole fucking thing about magical mysticism or some bullshit like that.

And it's on the screen. Whatever the paragraph is before that, it goes by too fucking quick. I can't read it. And then I'm just like, okay, if this is going to be the pace of the reading, I'm not going to be able to keep up with it. Well, anyways, I'm lonely on the road. I finally figured out my Netflix account. It's fucking hilarious.

I got a show on Netflix, and I never watch it because I just, I don't know. I just, I don't interact well with computers and all of this shit. And then once there's passwords, I'm going to forget the password. And then I'm going to say, email me my password, and then somehow it's going to end up in my junk folder, and I won't be able to find it. And I just figure, you know, fuck it. I'll just put it on me TV and watch the Rockford files. Right? Well, I finally figured it out.

I watched the first episode of Narcos, and I'm 100% in. What a goddamn show. Also, by the way, the producers of the show, whatever, the production company, whatever he says, GoMont, which also does F is for Family. I'm fucking great a day. So anyways, when I watched that first fucking episode, when he's sitting there talking to those army guys and starts naming their names. when Pablo Escobar is doing that

and he starts, you know, just letting him know that he knows all of their family members and, like, basically, you know, without saying it's something bad's going to happen to him, I still don't understand why they just didn't take a gun and blow his fucking brains out. There's no loyalty in that world. Once you fucking killed him,

then they would, you cut their head off the snow, snake. I know I'm over simplifying this, but I'm just saying this, if there's any DEA agents that are listening here, if he just blew his fucking brains out right then and there, wouldn't all the other gangsters underneath him want to then be the next Pablo Escobar so then they would start fighting with each other? Wouldn't that happen? And then they would have to establish, then they would have to pay out. They'd have to start all over again. Like, hey, we had to deal with Pablo. He paid us off. You didn't, you know? Wouldn't it start all over again?

and then they wouldn't have time to come after your family? I know. I know. I probably totally fucking oversimplified that fucking thing, didn't I? All right. How much time do I have left here? Oh, Billy's got to hit the fucking treadmill. All right?

Keep his little fucking, you know, I haven't been boozing. I've been doing all right. I haven't been doing the greatest. I've been fucking, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm in a fucking mild depression right now. But I'm going to see my wife and my, daughter this week, hopefully. I'm going to get them out here.

All right. Okay, let's read some of the fucking... Oh, wait a minute. I get an All Things Comedy Festival podcast read. That's right. I'm doing my first live Monday morning podcast. This could be a total fucking train wreck. No matter what, it's going to be exciting.

We're having our first All Things Comedy Festival at the end of the month. October 26th through the 29th in Phoenix, Arizona. I'll be there. Recording my first ever live Monday morning podcast, the great legendary Doug Stanhope is doing his podcast at the Orpheum Theater. Bert Kreischer, Ari Sheffier, and the crab feast are also on the lineup. We're taking over downtown Phoenix with the pop-up podcast studio, and the whole network is going to be there.

If you're in the Phoenix area, come and hang out with us. go to all thingscommy.com, get your tickets. Absolutely. I'm going to be walking around fucking shaking hands, kissing babies, right? Doing public service announcements on a giant flat screen TV, reminding you that people still get tuberculosis. Anything I can do to depress you at our podcast. No, I'm not going to do that. Afterwards, I'll do a meet and greet at the end of the fucking, you know, at the end of the M.

podcast uh whatever the live fucking thing you know i'll do all of that bullshit um unless i have a really bad show and then i'll just go in the back and cry um all right let's get to the questions here all right bill did everyone know about harvey winstein and then parentheses from a lady all right i don't know why he had to let me know what's from a woman okay hey bill i'm a big fan of your podcast and your show i saw in montreal earlier this year was epic seeing a master at work is a beautiful thing. Ah, you buttered me up. You buttered me up.

I have a lot of respect for you as a straightforward guy. Oh, looks out. This person's brilliant. She's going, you know, you're a fucking brilliant at what you do. I know that you never lie. This is great. This is the way you ask a question

if you want to get an honest answer. You're one of the few, I'll believe, unequivocally, on this subject. Do you think everyone in Hollywood knew about Harvey Weinstein? I can totally understand how no one spoke out until now. He was fucking scary and clearly he had the press in his

pocket. I'd like to think I would have spoken out, but honestly, I probably would have put my fucking life and career on the line with little chance of taking him down. I just wish all the stars feigning shock would just be honest and admit they knew they didn't have the balls, parentheses,

or were too smart to step up. We'd love to hear Neas thoughts on this. So would I. But she's not here. Congratulations on your amazing daughter. Love hearing about you being a dad go fuck yourself um all right first of all thank you for talking to me as if i'm on the big star level and i know what all of them think um i got to be honest with you i didn't know a fucking thing about that guy other than he had a lot of hit movies um i came up as a stand-up

comedian and uh have risen to the having a vulgar animated show on netflix that's that's the level I got to so I've done some movies with some pretty big people but his name never came up so if I had a guess I imagine a lot of people knew that he fucked around

and his wife this is all speculation I have no but I don't know I think the women that He did it to, obviously. You know, allegedly, you've got to say alleged. Not trying to get sued here.

It's still all alleged. He has not been convicted of anything. The 58 people that came out with the same fucking story, it's all alleged. I'd have to think that they knew and then their friends would know. But how far it goes from that? I don't know. I have no idea. I, going to be honest with you, we went in between takes on the movie,

and we were shooting in this fucking really cool, fucking motel, man. I felt like I was in a Cohen brother movie. So one of the rooms we had was like the little green room, and the story was on, and these women were coming forward. And, like, my mouth was literally a gape listening to it. I can't, I'd be honest, all I can speak for me, can't fucking

believe somebody could do that and get away with it for that fucking long I mean

the tape of that fucking woman in how that isn't enough I guess because he

never said yes I grabbed your boob I think he just keeps going like I understand

just come inside I just come inside I'm used to this I'm used to this none of that is an admission And the woman just goes, you're used to this?

Like, I don't know. I just got to be honest with you. It's the most disgusting fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. And if this guy is as guilty as he looks, I'm worried that he's not going to go to jail. Because I don't know what evidence there is and the statute of limitations. You know, you're going back decades with this shit. I don't know how it fucking works. but in a perfect world

they take him out to the desert and they put two behind his fucking ear I mean, if he's guilty if he's innocent and I think I just fucked my whole career I have no idea I don't know who knew what or whatever but I will tell you I've been enjoying watching

Fox News having a field day with this trashing Hollywood And, you know, given that guy who was in the fucking hot tub with the 13-year-old girl who now hides out in France giving him an award and all that shit. I love watching them call Hollywood out. I love watching Hannity calling out the hypocrisy of Hollywood, you know, trashing Donald Trump for what the fuck he's doing while that shit's going on.

in their own town, and then all the while, Hannity, never bringing up Bill O'Reilly, while saying that the friend, what the fuck is that guy, I was forgetting his name, the French dude there, or whatever, the guy hadn't out in France or whatever, saying, and they gave this guy an award afterwards, and it's just like, yeah, and you had Bill O'Reilly on your show afterward. So everybody is like, I don't know, it's just such a fucking amazing time for that shit. Hillary Clinton complaining about the fucking electoral college while the Democratic Party

went to court and admitted that Bernie Sanders got more votes but they colluded with Hillary's campaign to be like, no, you give us the best shot so we're going to pick you, fuck what the people say. I don't know. I don't fucking know. And then me saying that I fucking hate listening to people talk politics and then here I am talking it.

Yeah, I have no idea who knew what, but I would definitely say that, you know, the same way like Fox News, there's no fucking way they didn't know that Bill O'Reilly was settling out of court in these fucking things, you know, this same way that there's no way at the Weinstein company, they didn't know something was amiss. I just don't, I'd be honest with you, I am as shocked as anything. anybody else. I just don't fucking get it. I don't understand. It's just one of the worst fucking things.

You know what? I don't have any jokes. It's just one of the most disgusting fucking things I've ever heard. And I don't want to pay attention to the story because I don't think he's going to go to jail. And listening to his comments, he's the typical piece of shit that does stuff like

that where he actually feels like the victim. You know what I? mean he's making it about himself and how bad he feels you know fuck the victims you know whatever the alleged victims what i don't know i don't know what people knew but somebody knew something and they should have fucking said something um anyways all right asshole neighbor threatening our dogs uh Jesus Christ all right dear billy butter tits hey I'm in good shape right now, by the way. Could you guys just insult me a little more, you know? Billy, how about Billy chiseled albino chest? You know, something like that? I'm not chiseled.

Whatever. I'm a lady, lady, you wrote into my fucking podcast, and I love you. I'm a lady in my late 20s here in the southeast United States, and I have an issue with an older male neighbor. I'll keep it brave as possible. Why am I doing this accent? This asshole keeps coming on to my proper tie and letting our dogs out of the fence. Oh my God. You need to beat this guy in the bottom of his feet. Don't do that, by the way.

I don't condone that. Violence is never an answer. We live next door to a busy road, and I hate to think what would happen if someone came speeding down and hit one of my dogs. I have a big yard, so he has to come over into our property to open the gate. He waits until we leave to do it. It's easy. Go down to the spy shop and get some cameras, because some of our neighbors snitched on him. He's an old white trash dude that sits on his porch smoking all day, and he claims that our dogs bark 24-7.

They don't, and the rest of the neighbors have said they don't hear the barking, or when they do, it's minimal. All right, this is what I would do. I would get a lock on my fence, okay, that he's. can't get past and then I would go down to the spy shop and get some cameras and then what I would also do is let them know I would write a letter and say that that's what you've done okay

just so because God forbid he jumps over the fence throws your dogs over and then they get hit and died you know well then okay hit and die and you're going to be like all right well I caught the guy but one of your dogs had to die what you really want to do is just make prevent this guy from doing it so let

him know that you know what he's doing, that you've taken these measures, and then maybe he will fuck off. Because, you know, who wants to see a dog die and then an old guy go to jail or whatever? Just stay on your porch and be old. All right, buddy? Get him a pair of fucking wireless headphones, you know, so he can listen to him. Babadu-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-be-da-da-da-do-bo in his fucking headphones. Anyways, he goes, my question is, what the hell do I, that's what she says. My question is, what the hell do I do? I've started locking the gate so that shouldn't be a problem anymore, but what if this

asshole tries to poison them or something? That's where the cameras come in. I'm probably being paranoid, but I'm pissed off. I also have a temper, which doesn't help. What do I do, Bill? You're asking a guy who has a temper, who immediately suggests you beat the bottom of the guy's feet. I heard you talk about

dealing with old people, neighbors, and I'd really like your advice. Thank you. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, he's an old guy, you know. you know I would just I would send a letter over there and say I apologize if you find my dogs annoying other neighbors say

they don't bark that bad here's a pair of fucking earplugs and some old man fucking I don't know what you give him giving some brots or some shit we are now locking the fence so you can no longer go in there and I also have a camera set up okay

I don't want to you know I would just do that whatever the fuck I said earlier I would do that And then every time you see him, even if he tells you go, fuck yourself, just smile and wave and just tell him, it's nice to see you. I hope you have a wonderful day. I would just do that. All right. And then if you have a house party, I would invite him over and just try to kill him with kindness rather than beating the bottom of his feet. All right, dating in Asia, Asia, Asia.

Oh, this is interesting. I never even, I never heard about any of this. Dear Billy Meundi stains. Ah, I like that one. Good for you. All right, I've been living in Asia for the last four years, and dating has been tricky. Asian girls are beautiful kind and much more giving in bed than their white counterparts. I don't know what the fuck that means.

I'm certainly punching above my weight class here. All right, you're punching these women? I think the better thing is saying that you outkicked your coverage. And having relationships slash one-night stands with the much higher quality of girl. uh then i when i was back in the u.s dude this is the deal you're over there and you have an accent okay that's it same way if you come over here if you have a fucking accent the women like it does that work with asian guys if you come over here and you have an accent with asian women i have no fucking idea anyways however the biggest problem is they are boring

most spend their whole life studying until they are 26 then they work insane hours at work, and they live with their parents until they get married. Not to mention that my sense of humor can be totally lost on someone who speaks English as a second or third language. Yeah, well, dude, you're on the other side of the world. Things are going to be different here. I seem to be stuck between beautiful, boring Asian girls and the typical basic white girl. I'd apologize for the sweeping generalizations, but you do it all the time. Do I do it like that? What a fucking cunt. Can you, can you own your cuntiness

and not fucking get your fucking twat stench on me? I know I'm a fucking moron. I don't know. You don't point it out. Oh, boo-hoo. I'm on the other side of the world. Fucking a bunch of hot Asian girls. You got a girl that was way too good for you,

so I'd love to hear what you think. All right, I agree with that. Thanks and go have a wonderful day. I live in Korea, and I love it. Didn't want to talk shit. well dude you're either going to have to accept that those are your options or move out of there I don't know what to tell you do you want the entire country to change because you're there it sounds like you there's a bunch of smart women over there that are they sound they sound

like they're perfect right they're educated they're working their asses off they're fucking and there's a bunch of animals in the rack. What is the problem? I don't know. I don't know. I would start dating a prostitute over there if you want a little more excitement. Sounds like you're living the dream over there, buddy. If I was you, I would try to appreciate what you have.

I mean, I don't... I mean, that's kind of perfect. But she fucking blows your mind in bed and then goes off and goes, studies and then you can sit down and watch the game i don't know i don't know i don't know exactly what else you want from them but uh i have all the problems to have in the world certainly after all the problems that i learned in the world in the first fucking seven minutes of that falcons game i don't i really don't have any fucking sympathy for you all right heckled by veteran comedian uh it's fucking hilarious hello billy bald foreskin um hey after about two months

ago. Now, I don't know if they're making fun of my dick there or what my head looks like, but either way, it's funny. About two months ago, I gave the open mic night a try. Oh, he heckled you as an open micer. That's fucking not good. I prepared for it for a while and finally worked up the nerve to do it.

Had material, had some semblance of a planned attempt. I get about four minutes into it, and I'm getting laughs. Not a lot, but some. And a bunch of smiles. All right, good for you. Plus, even the beginning, all it's about is just having the balls to go up there when they call your name.

It has nothing to do with how well you do. Anyway, so I was confident and busted out a joke that was a little racy, but nothing mean-spirited. No one laughed. Oh, well, I moved on. A few days go by, and I'm getting hate on Facebook for the joke from a comedian that has been working the scene for longer than I've been alive. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. Really?

Comic on comic violence? Ah, you hate to see it. I take what he says is wisdom, but then he tells me that you shouldn't ever say anything on stage you don't believe in. Wait a minute. Now, wait a minute. You're saying you're getting hate on face,

but this guy is basically giving you advice. And being heckled, heckled is you're interrupting, a live performance. You don't get heckled on Facebook. I hear when they say the comedian heckled the crowd. The crowd is not giving a performance. I call bullshit on that and always thought as a comedian,

you get to push the envelope some because when it's all said and done, as long as you weren't hateful for the sake of hate, you're good. Anyways, I haven't had the nerve to go back on stage out of the fear of getting trashed. on Facebook. Anyways, love the podcast. Hope you come to Memphis soon and go make love to yourself. Also, I can't get hard. Please fix this with magic. All right. First of all, I don't know what you said. I'd have to know the joke that you said. I know how you feel about the joke. I know how the other comic feels about the joke, but it just seems like the comic has given you some advice there. I don't know how hard the person went

Personally, I wouldn't do that But you sound way more seasoned Than someone who just did it for the first time Wait a minute I gave up a mic a try I prepared for it for a while Yada yada yada I get my about four minutes into it I get in laughs

And then you did the joke that didn't go well I mean, I don't know, dude. I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't say that to an open micer. I also don't know what you said. And it doesn't sound, it just sounds like he's giving you advice. I can tell you this right now. If you're going to let one fucking person and some bullshit on Facebook make you not go back on stage, then this guy did you a favor.

Because you've got to be way tougher than that. Because if you think this is the first fucking time, like, it's just, you know what? I was sitting in that motel. When we were shooting the other day, I walked in and I just laughed. I was like, all these places smell the same. And one of the actors asked me, he goes, what's the worst gig you ever had? And I thought about it for a second. And then I just laughed.

And I was just like, that is just too big a subject. For me to pick any one gig. I mean, you literally have to go like, um, worst gig without a microphone. Worst gig in a cafeteria where they didn't know that there was a show. Worst nooner. Worse, uh, you know,

am I going to get this shit kicked out of me? Worst gig where I didn't get paid. Worst gig where the, the, the fucking middle act was a former headliner, and he did 45 to an hour in front of me, You try to burn out the crowd. You got white crowds. You got black crowds. You got college crowds.

Cruise ships. I mean, it's just, it's just. And you know what's funny is I haven't forgot any of them, but I can't remember any of them either. They just all are this giant ball of hate, hate and humiliation. and that's what you're signing up for. And I'm not trying to discourage you here. What it is, is what you need right now, rather than writing to me, is you need to go to more open mics,

and what's going to happen is you're going to get comedian friends from your graduation class. Right? And what you do, how you get through all of that was, I used to call up, you know, the comic. that I started out with. Like if I had a... I remember Patrice having some brutal show

in front of a bunch of cops when he started up. And he ate his balls so bad that he called me up. And through talking to me, he was able to laugh about it, and then I was laughing about it. And, you know,

then when I bombed all the fucking time, I would call him up. You tell the stories. Then what becomes is then other comics try to top your story about the worst gig that they ever fucking had.

and that's what it just starts to become as you're going through it you just get seasoned and then you're just literally on stage going through some of the worst humiliation of your life while thinking I can't wait to tell this to my buddy when I get home or whatever I mean just don't let this fucking guy discourage you fucking shake it off you know you got to be like a relief pitcher you fucking gave up a home run give me another ball I'm gonna get I'm gonna I'm coming right back with the heat you got to be like that Um, I'm not saying that comic is right or wrong, um, because I don't know what you said. He evidently felt it was serious enough to reach out to you on Facebook, but, uh, that's not something I would have done.

I don't try to be the comedy fucking cop here. Um, all right. So good luck with you, sir. All right? As Joe Bartnick says, take your balls out of your purse and fucking get back on stage. All right? Good luck to you. All right, caught wife shoplifting. Dear Bill Nesaurus, Rex, okay? My wife and I have been together for 13 years and married for about half that time. Basically, we are best friends with a romantic relationship.

Congratulations. Things have recently started getting even better for us. All of a sudden, I've noticed all these extra knickknacks around the house. I got my first job as a university professor, and she got a, job in administration at the same university. Oh my God. She's shoplifting. I believe our relationship is as strong as it is because I can trust her with my life. I think that just changed. Last night after getting home from the mall, I found her taking makeup out of her purse. The same makeup that she refused to buy because it was too expensive. Her reaction told me I wasn't

supposed to see that she had it. I confronted her about the potential shoplifting. The confrontation resulted in a long argument, one that swung from denial to anger at me to crying and then back to anger. She could never prove that she paid for it. Giving her reaction and the circumstances, I am as confident as one can be that she shoplifted. Absolutely. She would have just produced the receipt.

Trust me. Trust is important to me, Bill. My wife is beautiful and she's constantly approached by men. I need to trust that she will stay loyal to our relationship. Her shoplifting and then so brazenly lying to me about it puts everything into doubt for me. How is this risk worth her career or our relationship? Is shoplifting not that big a deal? could this also increase the likelihood that she is dishonest

in other areas of our relationship? Am I crazy? I will be listening to your advice, by the way, you killed it in Toronto. Thank you. Ah, dude, I mean, I don't know her. I think it's all of those things. I think it might not be that big a deal

or it could be the tip of an iceberg. I have no idea. I have no idea, but this is like the beginning of a great movie, and I'm sorry that you're starring in it. Like, this is like some Alfred Hitchcock shit. Like rear window, except you're in the

apartment with the murderer. Potentially. Or, you know, it just sort of ends like that war of the world's anticlimactic. Um, I don't know. But

yeah like do you pursue it do you pursue it because I'm always about like when you feel shit like that sit down with them and just say look I'm not saying you're a bad person I'm just saying how what you did makes me feel all right and then tell her everything that you just said to me However, you could also be pulling some threads here And the whole thing comes to crashing it I don't fucking you know what I would do dude Fuck this

You know something This is what women do When they're feeling something They fucking they sit you down Fuck her tears Fuck her anger Fuck this You've got to validate what you

feeling you see this is what men do when they get a relationship you treat your wife your girlfriend like a ticking time bond because they so much this guy's right I do generalize a lot on the fucking

podcast don't I they fucking they control the relationship with their emotions and then it's all subtly tied to special teams which is your fucking you know sex life and if they're in a fucking bad mood about you you're

not going to have any fucking sex it's fucking ridiculous but that's how it works so but fuck that dude if this is what you're feeling and all of that shit you're supposed to sit on it fuck that what do you think your wife would do that you don't think she would do that you don't think she would start snooping on your facebook i don't know i'm not saying don't fucking snoop on the Facebook. What I'm saying is what you should do is you should tell her, I don't know what to do here. If you fucking

do a stakeout, if you start fucking, oh man that's creepy. Because then if you're fucking wrong, no, don't do that. Because then if you're fucking wrong and she catches you spying on her, then she has the upper. Then you become wrong

because you caught her shoplifting. Yeah, I would sit her down and just say, listen. Okay, I'm not saying you're a bad person or anything. I'm just telling you how I feel. Seeing you shoplift and then lie to me about it. And dude, if she starts crying or she gets angry, fuck that. She's being a fucking baby, and she's manipulating it.

And then I would also sit there, and if she does that again, I would say, and now your inability in a mature way to handle what it is that I'm saying to you. And let her get as fucking angry as she wants to get. And it's like, you're getting angry at me. I didn't steal anything. I didn't lie about it.

Okay? I'm just letting you know how this is making me feel. And we can totally get past this if you're going to be an adult about this and sit down own up to what you did and talk me through this oh is she going to get fucking mad at you and you know what fuck her okay because this is what this is the exact fucking thing that she do to you and i by no means fucking uh superimposing all the fucking issues i have with women on you in your relationship i absolutely am but that's what the fuck i would do and you know something what else do you want for me that's all

I can do is tell you what the fuck I would do. That is what I would do. All right? It wasn't fair of her to put you in that position. And now for you to sit there walking around carrying this fucking stress. So I would address it with her. All right? And there you go. That is the podcast. An hour and 20 minutes. Jesus. You know, I should do these once a month, the fucking, the Billy Red Rag podcast. You know, once a month, I'm just going. through my cycle. There was a lot of fucking bitch moaning and complaining on this one. But

I just feel like for me all right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday. All righty. That's it. Oh, Peg, by the way, congratulations to the Vegas fucking golden nights. You know what I mean? You beat my Bruins last night. I saw Sue Bonn was in fucking net playing goddamn great. I know he

was in our farm system. That's P.K.'s brother. I forget his first name. It's so fucking great And the fans are going crazy It's so awesome Vegas is going to be a huge goddamn hit I can't wait to go to a game out there And their colors

I don't know about their colors But I actually like that logo I didn't notice that You know there's a little V there In the fucking helmet I think that's kind of cool Vegas night helmet Oh that's clever

All right go fuck yourself So talk to you on Thursday What's up everybody and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show for NFL week. We're going into week seven, which is unbelievable. With your host, Paul Bursey over here, Bill Burr, over there. We got Andrew Themless, and of course we have our injury reporter, Jake the snake. Guys, what can I say?

I went one in three, which puts me 11 and a half games back of 500. I mean, to say I'm reeling is an understatement, but you know what? We got a lot of time left. I'm not quitting just yet. Bill, what did you go this week? Three and one. Oh, Bill. All right.

Somebody's saving the show. Jesus. I mean. Well, dude, it was a shit show until the past two weeks. Past two weeks I went three and one. And before that, it was like, you know, a lot of one and three. This just been weird games, dude. This just been weird.

But that doesn't excuse it because his, much as you get fucked, somebody else just won that bet. Yeah, what it is, what I found this year is nobody's that good and nobody's that bad.

Like, everybody is like, except the Jets, all right? Well, I got a, I got a new name for those footballs

that the field goal kickers are kicking. I'm calling them the floaties. Floodies. I like that. Give me a break. That's just like, the whole game right now is just fucking rigged

for offense, offense, offense, more scoring, more scoring, more scoring. It's insane. 22 seconds left. Plenty of time. Plenty of time, dude. That is the truest statement, dude. It's like reverse parenting. All everybody says, go by quick, goes by quick, right?

You fucking, this goddamn NFL football, plenty of, there's plenty of, there's five seconds left. Plenty of time, you know, quick out. that's a 72 yarder he was it in fucking 83 yards in big practice like they were nothing dude 38 seconds left in a game is an eternity now it's it's crazy 100% right it's nuts I don't get it it's dude I'm gonna tell you what the noise especially when you have your bet one and then Collinsworth goes dad there's plenty of time left you just like fuck you then he's right well dude you went you went three and one back to back weeks which the show But, dude, I got to tell you, Buffalo losing to Atlanta, Atlanta just every time Buffalo scored, Atlanta just took it to him, dude.

I got to tell you something, the Falcons look good. That's what's weird. The Falcons look good. Then all of a sudden, the chiefs look like they're fucking back against the lions. I can't see it. Can't see it. Well, I think this week, they're going to destroy the Raiders because I think the NFL backed off the preferential treatment enough. and then last week against the Lions,

guess how many penalties they committed? Jake the Snake, how many? Yeah, it's bringing Jake here. Big fat, zero. Zero. Zero. They didn't hold anybody. There was no illegal hands to the face.

There was no illegal motion, not one false start. I mean, dude, they were dialed in. Jake, you look like somebody's going to tell you to read a statement to your family right now, do they? I know, dude, that fucking, the shadow on the back wall is brutal. I'm just waiting to the shadow of a gun. What do we got, Jake? What do we got for injury reports this week?

Well, we'll start off with the Chiefs since we were talking about them, but their top receivers coming back from suspension. He was guilty for a hidden run last year. So they suspended him six games. So he's coming back for the Raider game, just in time for the Chiefs to get right. and then there's a Kyler Murray missed last week

so we're unsure if he's going to play we'll have to kind of monitor because there's only been one day of practice but it sounds like he was back in practice at least and the Rams will be without Pooka Nakua you know he's off to have an incredible start but he hurt his ankle against the Ravens and they have a buy

so they're probably going to or they have a buy following week so they're probably going to arrest him and then last one I'll say is Cowboys and Commanders play each other, and they should get their top receivers back, C.D. Lamb and Terry McClure. So those are kind of the big ones, I mean, that I have written down. Jake, the snake, best in the business. Jake, the snake, he just comes in and he just starts nailing it.

You know, the question the man has answers. You didn't start her once. Hey, you know what? He's happy to do it. Nothing like a guy that likes his job. Hey, Paul, you never work a day in your life. Look, and a kid comes on with a big smile. He tore his meniscus and his ACL. He'll be three weeks. He's having so much fun looking at the injury reports. He doesn't even have time to go to IKEA and get some fucking furniture. I mean, this kid is fucking dialed in, Paul.

All right. Let's get into it. I'm with my family right now. All right, guys, let's get into the picks. Before we do the picks, we got to shout out BedMGM. Guys, you know how to do it. You go to your any device and you download the BetMGM app, and you use our code.

Burr, B-U-R-R, all you got to do is put a minimum of $10 in and you place your first wager. If the wager loses, you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets. Bet responsibly, have fun. We also have the first touchdown promo, which means you pick a player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown, and if they do, you win, but if they don't, and in fact, get the second touchdown, you'll get your stack back, you'll get your cash back. There you go.

Bet responsibly. Use our code burr and have a little fun. It is week number seven, which is an odd week, which means, Bill, you have the honors, my friend, to take the first pick. And guess what, everybody? Don't look now, Bill Burr, eight and two, the last two weeks. No, six and two. So six and two. We went to public schools.

Hey, I mean, you know what you want? Paul, why does you know how it looks like a fake background? Huh? Your house looks like a fake background. I had to, I couldn't do it outside today. shit you just grabbed and stuck it behind you i don't believe it i don't know where you are paul but you know i'm worried about you first i was worried about jake but it was too uh jake looks like he's on al jazeera right now

all right um anyways i'm not going to tell you where i'm at but i need a hat on my bald head put it that way all right here we go uh i got a new theory everybody i got a new theory, a new Thursday night theory. When it's the division rivalry game, they got four days. You know, I've been talking about this the last couple of weeks. I feel like you just take the points. The Bengals are at home.

They got Joel Flackold coming in from a YMCA near you. The get under center. I mean, Aaron Rogers is Aaron Rogers. He even looks good in the uniform with the Steelers. They're killing it. But, like, I just feel like they're simple game plans. The simple game plans And it makes them come closer together

Division rivalry games are usually close They see each other twice a year Am I really talking to you guys Or am I trying to convince myself? I don't know I'm taking the Bengals Getting five and a half All right, I like it

A tale of two Joe's That's what the Bengals are They hover around against the Packers On the last Sunday So I mean Flacko The tale of two Joe's fuck it let's go what do we got paul come on paul pick a winner

paul he's due all right i'm too hey overdue um let me see here i don't like it dude i'm afraid i'm afraid of the list oh he's gambling scared everybody you hate to see it come on it's october this is the top gun moment maverick's lost his fucking edge we're sitting there i just can't see it just can't see it you can't see you know what i'm going to take the new york football giants getting seven against the broncos they beat up the eagles they beat a good chargers team if they don't have those stupid fumbles against the saints i think they win that game too but jackson dart and cam scataboo got a little got a little something going i like the points i could see denver winning the game by a field goal but i think the giants hang

with them i'm going to take the seven i'm taking some points I'm going to take my New York football Giants. You see the sweatshirt. I'm excited about them. Okay? Camp Scataboo. Camp Scataboo. Camp Scataboo.

I went to high school with him. That's one of those names. Yeah. He's a... All right. Oh, dude. There's a lot of games I like this week. And for whatever reason, I'm going to pick this one.

I like the Colts getting one and a half going into San Diego. I just, you know, I've been watching. I've been betting on them. They got a great offensive line. They're competitive and the charges. What are they doing, Jake? They're coming back from injuries? If they bottomed out with their injuries?

Yeah, injuries are pretty bad, especially on the O line. And it's probably not to be resolved this week. They might get Khalil Mack back on defense. But offensively, that offensive line is really in trouble. So it's a scary game. It's kind of interesting the chargers are favored with all those injuries. so it's um that's got that could be a close game yeah i know it's like what do they know is that going to come down to head coaching because i harvars a better coach but fuck it ah shit what am i doing i'm taking

the colts bill you're on fire you're on fire you're on fire right now it's all relative colts are five and one you know um sometimes got robbed the hot ham dude by the way let's talk about this for a second the cults are five and one with daniel jones when everybody wrote the kid off. I mean, the kid's an MVP candidate right now. Yeah. How about this? If you play quarterback in New York the last couple seasons, you look like your career's over, you never should have had one, and then you leave. Aaron Rogers looks like Aaron Rogers again. Daniel Jones, come on, Paul. You got to take that. You got to take that. I know, but, you know,

James couldn't even fucking run in New York. He fell on his face. You know, Bill, you're kicking a man when he's down. The Sequin, I'm wearing my sweatshirt. No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to tell you why. If I have to sit through fucking Nick fans during the NBA playoffs every year acting like they don't know what the fuck has been going on for 53 years. And the New York sports fucking media bias is going to keep, dude, they show Nick fans, man, more than they show Celtics fan. You guys never take the hit, Paul. You guys never take the hit.

It's a bum-ass place to be a fucking quarterback the last two seasons. Exhibit A, Daniel Jones Exhibit B, fucking Aaron Rogers, an exhibit from fucking MTV's Pimp My Ride. Case closed. Look, I can't argue it. Literally, exhibit the rapper

would have had the same fucking numbers as those guys the last. That's how bad you guys offensive lines. All right, well, here's what I'm going to do with us. Hey, just listen. Paul, I'm just fucking with you. Oh, listen, when you're right, you're right. And then you agree with me, and I feel even worse.

I'm going to, nothing's like when you make your point to someone and they go, no, no, you're right. You went John Candy on me. Go ahead, you know. I'm an easy target. I like me. You know why? Because I'm the real article. I just watched that documentary, dude.

It was fucking one of the greatest and saddest thing. Colin Hanks murdered that. Yeah. Is that on John Candy? Yeah, oh my God, he killed it. Dude, John Candy was such an unbelievable animal. Animal. Uncle just actor. Can you just give it up to him? Because they keep cutting the interviews during it.

They just go like, you know, people like a fat guy. He's just sitting there going like, what fuck? How many movies do I have to crush? That's why I like that one thing Jonah Hill did, where the guy was just like, yeah, dude. So, like, as far as like being a heavy actor and Jonah Hill, just goes, dude, do you got any other questions, man, that are like, and he just totally fucking went at the guy. And he's like, do you have any other, because that's got to be like, after a while being the fat actor, it's got to just weigh on you. You know what I mean?

It's got to be like, all right, man. I get it. Really, he just did that. Go ahead. First of all, you laid into fat. You go, after a while, being the fat actor, then you go, it's got a way on you. Did you really just do all of that by accident? I swear to God I did. It was like you were on Jonah's side.

let's tell a good Jonah story before we move ahead Have you seen the with the Morgan Freeman one? No He tells the story He was working with Morgan Freeman His first day They're sitting in a car

They're shooting in this car all day Morgan doesn't talk to him at all So he thinks all right Well he's got all this dialogue It's an important part of the movie Maybe that's not why he's talking to me They fucking rap on the day And before they leave

Morgan looks at him And sings like the banana song With his name He just looks over first time he talks to him all day. He goes, Jonah, Jonah, Bono, Atlanta, you saw that? Yeah, I saw that. And then he finishes it.

And he's like, oh, he goes, now do me. He goes, what? He goes, say my name, do my name. He's like, Morgan, Morgan, Morgan. And he does the whole thing. And then he gets out of the car and he never talked to him for the rest of the movie. What is that? What is it like a test?

Like if he didn't do it, what you'd be like, all right? All right, guys. For my second pick, look, how many games, Jake, has the Browns won? It's either one or two. I'm going to take the Browns over the Dolphins, dude. The Dolphins are just, the Dolphins are, I think the coach is done. I think they're done. I think they're going to be sellers during the trade deadline instead of buyers.

I think it's, yeah, I like the three points. spread in Cleveland, and the dolphins have just shown nothing but disappointment. So I'm going to take the Cleveland Browns at home to win the game by a field goal. Dolphins have been covering, dude. I don't know what you're talking about. They just won a couple of games. They're crazy. They're one and five.

I thought they won two games. They just cover. Hey, Paul, both things can be true. I fucking hate how everybody says that now. All right, I'm going to take, I don't know, I don't give a fuck, Paul. I'm shooting from the freckled hip this week. I'm going to take the Saints getting five points with the Bears. I liked what I saw last week against the Patriots.

I like their quarterback. They got the, who's there? Their fucking great running back. He was doing some good things there. I like the Saints. I don't think the Saints, as much as everybody's trash them, they're much better than their record. They got one win. Yeah.

They're competitive. All right. I could tell by the fucking just absolute silence on that end. That was a wild pick. All right. All right. Fuck you guys. I don't need you guys support my picks.

Um, uh, dude, this is going to be. I'm an idiot. I saw the Saints one game this year. All of a sudden, I fucking know who they are. Dude, if I go O and four three times in seven weeks, I may just hang it up. guys it's been a great run I'm crying I just want to thank MGM

no you like that athlete like back in the day people got old in one off season it was like you could play and then all of a sudden like right around 35 36 you just couldn't play anymore and it was embarrassing

you just fuck it it was embarrassing dude retirements before steroids and fucking aerobics or whatever the fuck these kids are doing nowadays Tybo. Like, the end of your career, if there was a, you had to pay attention to it, or most of them, it was

really embarrassing. Yeah. Well, look, dude, I mean, you know it's me and you know I'm coming back. It's what I do. Come on, man. Come on, dude, it's me. Four times in a row. What are we talking about here? Dude,

I... I've never seen you reeling like this, Paul. This is not you. Paul has always been playoff talks. It's been a rough month, right? Well, you beat the book four years in a fucking row. I know you're coming out of this. It's like the chiefs.

You know the chiefs are coming back. Bill, I'm in a hospital bed and you're sitting next to me holding my hand going, you'd be all right. I got a tear coming. Oh, yeah. It's the Brian Piccolo story. God forbid. All right. Jaguars are getting three. They're coming off a loss, but dude, I mean, Pooka's out, right? Dude, I looked at that game, too.

Yeah, it's in London as well. It's in London. I fucking hate those London games. Me too. Me too. As far as, like, betting on them, like, it's just a stupid vibe. We're Americans. We don't go to other countries. I hate the point three with,

I hate the three, the point three, the point five with the Seahawks. I hate. Um. I heard that hate too. You really fucking hit the tea on that. Yeah, no, I hate that. Um, dude, this is a tough, tough week, man. The, you know what they should call the guys that handicapped games in Vegas?

They should call them the cunts. You know, it's respectful and it's accurate. Give me the Jacksonville Jaguars, getting three in London, coming off of a loss. I, you know what? I like that. I think that if they're a good team, they have a good record. They have, you know, I'm going to take the Jags to bounce back this week. I hate how fast you just did that.

You know, like when you're not ready to order and you hope the person before you is going to, like, fucking... Host a salmon. Yeah? You're hoping they're going to do that. You just fucking, let me get a cheeseburger, French fries, well done, and a Coke. Okay, sir, what are you having? Then you're going to be like, for my fourth and final game. Who do I like?

There was a couple of things that I saw here. That fucking Chiefs Raiders game, 12 points. What kind of asshole bets on that game? That game jumped up, too. It opened at 10, so people are clearly all over the Chiefs. who doesn't love the chiefs at 10 you know you find out where your real friends are when it's at 12

where everybody go then what's the Raiders record Jake I believe they have they won this week too they probably have two wins here let's say yeah they're two and four two and four

two and four thank you I got a question for you the fucking cowboys can't even beat the goddamn panthers embarrassing all right now they're at home against the commanders and they're only getting two points yeah like what what's going on that game i was looking at that game too

like i don't understand yeah drop two strange four before it's like two and a half but like you know nothing crazy but still is there a reason why we get the lines when they're cuntier But where will we win all of this stuff? Well, this stuff was happening. Chiefs at 10.

Earlier in the week. They open them Monday for the real deal. What beers do you have on tap? Sorry. Paul, that Browns. I don't know why. I don't know why. What's that, Andrew?

That Browns line moved to two and a half, so give you the two and a half. Usually we record on Thursday mornings. I usually go by those lines. So, yeah, it's two and a half. Beautiful. falcons 49ers both of mine say minus two oh that's got to be the 49ers got to be getting points with all those injuries typo hang on let me just double check that that nineers is yeah it's uh yeah nineers nineers uh or minus two that's that's that's what niners are favorite

yeah nineers wow yeah that's crazy she's very strange after last week's yeah friend one is out for the year am i going to do it am i going to go into the DMZ my DMZ of the NFL am I going to go am I going to bet on the Falcons am I really going to do this um yeah you know what because the game's going to be on I can ask that game will be televised in my area so I will uh I'm going to take the Falcons getting to oh oh my with those floaty footballs they've been kicking around I like it I like my chances. I'm going to take the Falcons.

Paul, I was so, I just, I thought I had this week figured out in, somewhere along there. I just realized I didn't. We'll see. All right. For my fourth and final pick, I think, dude, the lions are coming off that loss. The lions are coming off of that loss against the chiefs. And they're home.

This is Paul Verzni's bread and butter. They looked pissed. It's five and a half. I know Baker Mayfield and the Buccaneers are really good right now, but the lions have to, dare I say, Roarback. Here's a boss Baker Mayfield MVP. I know.

That's what I was going to look up. It's funny you brought this up because I definitely wanted to ask you guys. I was trying to pull up the odds for Baker MVP. Well, I think what Verzi said earlier, like nobody's good, nobody's bad this year. So, I mean, why not him? Tampa's 5 and 1. all with all those injuries. And what are the lines?

5-1 or 4-2? They're 4-2. Yeah. It's a test for the lines because the two best teams they play have been losses, but they've been looked good against the bad teams. I should have taken the fucking Seahawks. I'm an asshole. It's funny.

I took them in real life and I proud to put them on the show. I was so bad. But yeah, I liked them a lot last week. They're good. They're really good. That's a good game, Paul. you know what three and a half nah that the point five

scared me right when I saw it that the point five has got Vegas smiling at me smiling down the barrel I know my friends in Kansas City yeah dude I'm going to do something right now

because I need to mix things up I'm taking a lot of dogs I'm going to actually take Baker Mayfield and the Buccaneers getting five and a half in Detroit I like I like it I'm taking the points

and Baker they've only lost one game I think the Lions win the game by a field goal I'm taking the bucks I like Paul you got the yips

you just got to dude I'm like Simone Bile when she fucking was afraid to cannonpult in the air I just I dude I got the yips dude

that was one of the most understanding yips of all time totally dude jumping up spinning around blah yeah one day you're going to get old enough to be like the fuck am I doing it's inevitable I'm like I mean I'm shell shocked

I mean I'm 11 and a half back I don't know what happened I mean I'm going 0 and 4 every other week here I mean this is but I'm gonna dude I'm gonna tell you what it's gonna be triumphant when I'm done right I'm gonna frank rike this shit what game what game well buffalo versus houston there you go oh yeah 35 nothing he can't came back from against the Oilers. I'd never forget that game. All right. Those are our picks.

All right. It's two Monday night special. Here we go. There's two Monday night games. Two Monday night games. We have... I fucking hate that there's two Monday night games and they play them at the same time.

I know. It's like it's a one hour difference, which fucking sucks. And both games are good. Yeah. All right. Let the Monday Night special win some money for you. Wait, did we hit it? We already got you twice.

No. Just fucking go four, three. No, we did money line on both those games. And, yeah, they both lost. No, but we've won twice, though, this year. Yes, we have. Yes, we have. And we can win again right here.

That's right. There you go, Jake. Yeah. Trying to think something positive here. Well, which game would you guys prefer? I mean, Detroit, Tampa, seems like the better game. But Houston, Houston, Seattle will be. a nice physical, defensive game for the old school, folks.

Well, I like Baker-Mayfield to throw one, for sure. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I like Jared Goff to throw one. And then you just want to do money line, just money line, pick who he thinks win in the game. I think the fucking ears are going to win. Let's do it.

Let's go. You don't even want the points? Huh? You don't even want the points? the bucks you just want to take the points you want to take the points this where we have a little cush you can even get it up to six or seven like i said dude i went to summer school every year i was just giving away five and a half points all right so let's do the buccaneers i'll take the money line and in the underdog so fucking confident i me and bill are on such different emotional

wavelengths right now like i'm i'm afraid of everything and bill's like oh no i'm john starks dude i'm just putting it up i'm just no i don't care you're you're the guy in the casino that won 30 grand last night so you're like yeah let's go to the high stakes for a little while 130 grand i blew 40 on hookers let me give a fuck all right um okay so we'll do we'll do the Tampa bay buccaneers getting five and a half baker to throw one Jared goff to throw one love that all makes sense

okay there you go that's the Monday night special you guys have our picks download the app use our code burr B-Urr put a minimum of $10 in And after your first wager, if that loses, you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets and the first touchdown promo, guys. You pick any player and any NFL game to get the first touchdown and you win. If they don't, but they get the second touchdown, you get your cash back, which is a great deal. You have our picks. Listen, Paul, he's down 11 and a half. So, you know, I hate to say, don't go with me.

Bill's got the hot hand at the poker table right now. Jake, how'd you do last week? I went two and two. Okay. Jake does very well. Two and two is like the worst he does. For the most part, yeah. Dude, I woke up and looked at my phone

to see if the commanders was my only hope and it lost and I just go, I put it back. I mean, I'm... Look, I need you. Yeah, I was on them too. I was like, ah, dang. I'm the guy staring at the phone, afraid it's going to ring.

The team I keep betting on is the Titans, and they're just so bad. I'm like, why did I do this again? Paul, you're standing in right field right now saying please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me. Yeah, dude. One more out and I get there's a fly ball of right field. Ah, shit.

It's all right, though. You know what? I'm going to bounce back. I'm going to bounce back. Dude, I played baseball with this kid. Every time the ball, he would always rush in on it. And then the ball would go over his head. And then for whatever reason, when he turned around to run after it,

he'd throw his glove and his hat on the ground to go get. Why? I don't know what. I think he was trying to make it look like at least I'm making an effort to go after this fucking ball. He did it every time. Dude, that was like... Oh, no, wait. He was a kid on the other team.

That's what it was. I was just like, well, I was thinking, I remember, like, what fuck does he do? Dude, is there anything worse than being a pro athlete and the home crowd's booing you because of your poor play and they keep putting you out there and every time it's to you dude like trade them get rid of dude that's

I wouldn't handle that hey I wouldn't be good with that I would do better with that than a plus that's how fucked up I am I don't want to no I do really I do really well with negativity I just good

I don't fucking like you either good but people are all like hey we're really happy to happy it just freaks me out I mean the room is perfect the crowds are great yeah then I'm like I'm gonna fucking bump oh dude I saw Nick DePaolo do that everything was going good and he was just waiting he was waiting in the wings he wanted something anything funnier than a guy that just can't have a good thing going I used to tell Nick, I go, I remember when I worked with him, I'm telling you, he was standing on

stage and he had his head down like that, and he would be going back and forth like this, his head was moving back and forth, like a fucking security camera. And I was always wondering what he was doing. He was trying to see underneath the lights. Because he wanted, because he knew someone was going to come at him. Dude, I've seen that guy

fucking eviscerate people. No, dude. I saw him say something at the stand in New York. that everybody hated and then the next thing he said got an applause break it was it was dude it was masterful but one of the funniest things that i ever heard was this is a great nick de paolo story he's in chicago and i guess he killed and they're they're meeting them after the show and he had just like a cocktail in his hand and this woman just goes this woman just goes oh my god

you were so hilarious tonight he goes how to fuck would you know she fucking lost it oh my god so so funny um all right everybody you know what i'm getting back on that horse go giants i'm not out of this yet it's only week seven listen i'm not gonna lie if this was week 11 or 12 i would just be passing the baton saying guys you got to get to 500 for the show i still got time bill is killing it just have fun pa pa pa you've done the impossible i don't think anybody who's been listening to our show is beating the book four years in a row dude it made me feel bad though i had fans come up to a show in San Francisco going, it's October, Verzi, it's your time.

And then I went one and three. I felt horrible. But you know what? Hey, hey, there's always November. You will turn it around. All right, I got to get running here. I got to show. Enjoy week seven.

Bet responsibly. Have a great time. Use our code. Download the app. And we will see you guys next week. Oh, I'm in Buffalo tonight with Joe Bartnick. I'm in Buffalo tonight with Joe Bartnick at Helium Comedy Club.

Check that out. and then Texas, November 5th and 6, all kinds of dates coming in December. Go to Paul Verzi.com. We'll see you guys next week.