Monday Morning Podcast - Being Late, Line Cutting, Karate Cowboys | Monday Morning Podcast 5-18-26

Episode Date: May 18, 2026

Bill rambles about being late to the game, line cutting, and karate cowboys.ShipStation: Get started with ShipStation today and get sixty days free at http://www.ShipStation.com with code BURR.Hims: Get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Weight Loss, and more, visit http://www.Hims.com/BURRSquarespace: Check out http://www.squarespace.com/BURR for a free trial, and use code BURR to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain when you're ready to launch.SimpliSafe: Get 50% off your new system by visiting http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURRPolicy Genius: Get free quote on life insurance by going to http://www.PolicyGenius.com/BURRTOUR DATES ▶ http://www.billburr.com/tourMERCH ▶ https://billburrmerch.com/INSTAGRAM ▶ https://www.instagram.com/wilfredburr/APPLE ▶ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/monday-morning-podcast/id480486345SPOTIFY ▶ https://open.spotify.com/show/5SFiQlOQ3EKmwp0chE1QzY?si=4e6149a2ba584182WEBSITE ▶ http://billburr.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

All right, everybody, this is kind of exciting. Billy Old School, Billy Analog. I partnered with Vinyl Moon to create a special edition album of my best Monday morning podcast, Ad Reads over the years, available alongside their amazing vinyl mixtape club. Here is the album here. I think, you know, they did the whole old-timey style here. Some of my favorite ones, the ZipRecruiter, the sweaty balls with the John Houston Piano Remix. weapons of mass destruction, no tear.

I remember that one. What the fuck am I reading? Who was that one? That was Sherry's Barry's. Nature's Box. Oh, my God. Now, they had no fucking sense of humor. And all that time, I made my lovely wife laughing, talking about that guy falling off the scooter. It's really cool. The artwork is incredible.

Check out the color of the record. Are they all like this? This is limited. They're all this color, man. They're not messing around over here. Anyway, so now you don't have to go on YouTube and click through a whole bunch of them. You can get them all in one, put them on, take your gummy, eat your mushrooms, whatever you want to do. This beautiful custom album comes with a handful of my favorite ad reads over the years. Pressed on a custom color with the unique MMP art.

Vinyl Moon partnered with me to press this limited edition run of these albums which are available only when you sign up for Vinyl Moon subscription membership for a new Vinyl Moon subscription membership. Did it. All right. Vinyl Moon. He's an independent vinyl club for music lovers and adventurous spirits. What are you talking to? Swingers? What are we doing here? Vinyl Moon has been creating and sending mixtapes of new music and original artwork pressed on vinyl to members around the world every month for over 10 years.

They got experience. Each of their vinyl mixtapes comes in a super deluxe packaging and they collaborate with different visual artists. Look at these things. They open up. I mean, this is the kind of stuff back in the day. you know you take your drugs out you take the stems out you do all of that let me get look at this one

psychedelic man and they got all of these there also if I can take one of these records out of here they're all different kinds of colors you know what I mean look at look at that one get the look at that

they didn't make shit like that when I was a kid all right sorry I got carried away there anyway they collaborate with different visual artists to create really original jackets special features and more as you saw, and just like my album, their mixtapes are pressed on a beautiful color vinyl. For a limited time, Monday morning podcast listeners can get this limited edition record

of my favorite ad reads for free when they join Vinyl Moon with a three-month or longer membership. Head to Vinylmoon.com slash Burr for more information about club details and to get your free limited edition record from yours truly. V-I-N-Y-L-M-O-O-O-N dot com.com.com.com, sorry, slash burr. V-I-N-Y-L-M-O-N-C-O-C-O-C-O. All right, that's it. Insurance isn't one-size-fits-all, and shopping for it shouldn't feel like squeezing into something that just doesn't fit.

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Six, six, six. I got no voice. I got nothing, man. Yeah, I did three shows in Atlanta, one in Florida. I had a night off. But then I had like a fucking six. A.M. pickup, flew back from Florida, landed, went straight to my kid's school from this talent contest thing. That was kind of like kid Coachella. Like it was like there was a whole bunch of bands

and it just, you know, standing outside, talking over the music like an idiot, right? And, uh, and then last night I did a benefit for a buddy of mine and, uh, I had to do my act again. So this is what I sound like so it's going to be chill i'm not going to say it's going to be easy listening you know which is what they used to call yacht rock before those people called the yacht rock it was never yacht rock it was soft rock it was easy listening it was singer songwriter that's what it was called had nothing to do with boats um i still don't quite know how that happened but uh it kind of annoys me. You know what I mean? I don't like when somebody from another fucking generation starts telling me, sort of starts redefining what the hell I was doing, you know? Just stay

in your own fucking generation. You cunt? This has nothing to do with that person either. It just has to do the fact of annoyed that my voice is like this right now. Or at least if you're going to do it, fucking compliment them. The way Tom Brocaw blew the fucking greatest generation. I mean, what were they called before that? The fucking farmers or whatever the hell they were. What were they called? Why do they name generations? I'll tell you why, because we're all fucking slaves, man.

I did a joke last night, and in the middle of doing the joke. After all the fucked up shit, I said, this person, I brought up Brazil, somebody yelled out this they have slaves in Brazil I'm just like all right what am I supposed to do I have to vet every country like what is what are safe countries to bring up where somebody can be like well just to let you know you know they're the reason that fucking

there's no real sugar and coke anymore whatever the fuck they're going to say right what I feel like Iceland and New Zealand as far as the white world goes and whatever race you are, why don't you chime in, like, what's the best represent, what's the best your people are doing? I feel like for Caucasians, you know, obviously the bar is set really low.

I love when, like, white people talk about black people stealing and they don't have the fucking, they don't have, like, the irony. You know, they don't see any irony in that. It's just like, if you want to talk about thiebary, I think we got it down. How many genocides have they committed? I mean, like, what? What the fuck are you doing?

You know what you're doing is you're reading, you're listening to the fucking propaganda. All those times when I was fucking growing up and we would attack another country or another country would do something to us. We used to always say the thing. They don't like us, they don't like our freedom. They don't like our freedom.

They don't like our movies and our jeans. Is that what they're doing? Is that why we're in Iran right now? We don't like the way they dress. Did they have a mini series on Netflix that we weren't a fan of? Anyway. The fucking worst ginger of him all. Did you see this shit?

This is fucking amazing. The guy doesn't pay his fucking taxes. And somebody at the fucking down at headquarters published that he doesn't pay his taxes. And then he sues for defamation of character. Dude, that guy always. fucking wins. It's unbelievable. I've, there's, like, nobody does vengeance like this guy. This guy is like, I don't know who to compare him to. He's like the fuck, it's like an undefeated record. Like, if you fuck with that guy, that guy is going to come back, take whatever the fuck

you said he shouldn't have, he's going to take it like right in front of your face. I mean, even if you don't like the guy, you've got to be amazed at that. He went to a a fucking roast and they made fun of them, including Obama. And then like fucking two years later, Obama's like, all right, enjoy your house. He handed him over the fucking keys. This piece of shit doesn't fucking pay his taxes. Or I should say this typical fucking, you know, businessman at that level doesn't pay his fucking taxes. He gets busted for it. And I guess it's supposed to, it's not like being a sex offender. You're not supposed to put it on telephone polls. So somebody down the fucking headquarters did it at the IRS.

So now he's suing him for defamation of character. There's no like, hey buddy, there's no like, well, how come he didn't pay your taxes, you piece of shit? I thought you're trying to make you great again. How's it going to be great again if guys like you don't pay your fair shit? There's none of that. It's like, how dare you let everybody know that I'm a piece of shit? And then he's also infiltrated the IRS.

He put his own people in there. He's suing him for $10 billion. dollars. They've never paid out more than a hundred million. They're settling for like one and a half billion. By the way, that's our money to pave the roads and for public schools. He's going to

take it because they had the audacity to publish the fact that he doesn't fucking pay any taxes or he doesn't pay his fair share. So now that he's getting shit about it, he goes, I'm going to give the money to the people on January 6th. And that's all he has to do.

Now, who's going to follow up to see if he actually does it? I don't think anybody is because they're going to be afraid he's going to sue them for $20 billion for snooping. Anyway, you've got to give it up to the guy. The guy lives in litigation. That's a fucking home game for him, and he fucking wins every time. He goes into every fucking thing. He fires everybody, puts his own fucking people in there, and then just fucking does whatever the hell he wants to do,

and people still love him. It's amazing. I mean, the guy basically said the last time, oh, you know, they stole this election from me, which caused January 6th. And then this time around, he wins. And a couple times he slips up and says the Tesla guy put his thumb on the scale. And the same fucking people who attacked the Kaplan.

I got no problem with them. I guess it really is like sports. Speaking of sports, speaking of sports, how about those Buffalo Sabres, facing elimination, going into the Molson Center in Montreal, Canada,

with the most passionate fans and, I mean, they're fucking loudest shit. I hate to say it, but they are. But I will tell you this. Buffalo survived it. They're fucking goalie. Three straight shots, three straight goals. They pull them.

The other guy shuts them. down, Buffalo comes back to tie it. It's three to three. And they score five more goals. And I got to tell you this, it was eight to three. In the Molson Center was fucking empty. At least the lower bowl was. And I'm not going to shit on Canadians fans because every fan base does that in a game like that. They just fucking walk out. And then you want your team not to quit, even though you did. even though you did. You're like, I'm not going to watch this loss and sit in traffic,

and you choose yourself and you fucking leave. So shout out to the Canadian fans that actually stayed. So we got a game seven people, you know? And when you have no life and you got nothing going on and maybe life is kick in the fucking seeds, you know, you got to love a game seven

to pull you out of the mud. So I'm excited. I'm assuming that's tonight. Game seven. Jesus Christ, there's no way they play back to back and this game's already happening. You guys are already laughing at me. So here's the thing.

They're a team from Buffalo called the Sabres. Are they not only going to win game six and seven, they're going to go home for game seven? Is it in Buffalo? Bill, do you think you could have done some fucking research before this? That's not what this fucking podcast is about. They fucking... historically, Buffalo teams have grabbed their fan base's hearts, ripped it out of their

chest, showed it to them, and thrown it down the fucking street. So now here we go again, a game seven. Wait a minute. What am I talking about? Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, fucking Brian May won that game. Was that against us, that overtime game? Overtime, dude. The Sabres happened in them, and they also got fucked in that, that 99 thing. So, it's weird I have a lot of friends of mine that are Canadian fans and I don't give a fuck

about that rivalry anymore they haven't won shit and fucking I don't know since what Bill Clinton's first since Bill Clinton didn't stick a cigar

in that woman's vagina dude when it comes to picking leaders of this country we're like the Bears trying to get a quarterback hopefully we'll get like them

and we'll finally We had that fucking horn dog in office for eight years. And then we had the fucking summer school kid, George W. Right? And then we had fucking Obama, who was really, like, probably the best at all as far as, like, speaking and all of that. Actually, being able to give his speech. But then he had hope and all of that stuff. And it just didn't happen.

So it was sort of the typical results Then we got the reality show guy Then we go to Mr. Magoo And then we go back to the reality guy I don't know This is like a fucking It's like a rock band that can't get out of its own way It's like every time they start getting going

Somebody else has to go to rehab I don't know We'll see though We'll see who knows Who knows Maybe this billion dollars Will make the Grinch grow a heart but who gives a fuck

if he doesn't that doesn't mean citizens can't do great things last night I did a fucking benefit and I want to thank everybody who came out during this brutal fucking economy it means a lot to me we raised money for a great cause and at the end one of my buddies

amazing musician he put together like an all-star band and we played like four songs, did a quick little rock show. And I gotta tell you, one of the songs we did was kiss rock and roll all night and party every day. I, we did that song,

and that's a fucking fun goddamn song to play. I was never like a kiss guy, but I liked Heaven's on Fire, my freshman year of high school. Like, that's the one that I liked. But I kind of missed, They had already taken the makeup off. You know?

That's kind of a reoccurring theme. I just, I fucking, I'm always late to the party. Like, oh, dude, five years ago. You should have been here five years ago. That's when this, you know, when I moved out to L.A., Sunset Boulevard was dead. Everything that was all fucking nuts. I'm talking about the 90s.

You missed it, man. During the hair metal scene, I sometimes wish I started being a comedian before that and I ended up in fucking L.A. just so I could have walked down the street and just seen that whole fucking all of that stuff that was going on all of those goddamn bands

going to the fucking Rainbow Room. I started comedy right after the big 80s you know and everybody was fucking in rehab and getting their wages garnished. It was a little bit of fucking confetti and one party had on the floor when I walked into Nick's comedy stop. It was just over.

Every comedian, I opened for every headliner. They all kind of had the same opening jope. They're like, you know, so I've been sober for one year. So I've been sober for eight months. Everybody was in a program. Everybody who didn't die fucking cleaned up. And then if they wanted to do a gig in like New Hampshire,

they had to call the fucking IRS to make sure it was okay. I got married late. It became a dad late. I did everything fucking late. Stayed back in first grades. Fucking. You know, graduated late, just everything. Worked my way through college.

Didn't get my diploma until I was 25. I'd just been behind it. Day late and a dollar short fucking freckles. So anyways, last night, rented this Gretch kit, 24-inch kick, and they fucking tuned it up, man. It sounded like the snare and the kick. Well, the snare specifically sounded like bottom snare.

And then the fucking kick drum was just incredible. was incredible so I thought I played pretty good I always get nervous to play fills when I'm fucking playing in front of a crowd I'm like ah I just don't see this coming back out on one

I'm good at starting them I don't know about ending them but I can lock in with the band so anyway that was a great time I had a great time down in Florida I love that fucking state you gotta be a

son of a bitch to live down there, man. Forget about the hurricanes. Every body of water potentially has an alligator in it. It's like they coexist with monsters. How do you ever let your fucking kid outside? I worry about coyotes out here in L.A.

And I'm not even in the fucking hills. Those things, you know, when they come down out of the hills, they don't give a shit. They fucking come all the way down to the flat ground here. And all of a sudden you just hear it. You hear some dog,

and hear all that fucking shit. You don't know what's going on. If they're barking, the dog is barking from the other side of a fence or he's getting fucking eaten. And then it just stops, and then you hear the howling. And that's enough for me. Jesus Christ, lady, can you put some fucking pants on?

What are you wearing a bathing suit? She has on a onesie bathing suit. But cheeks hanging out. Flip-flops. Sorry, I'm on the side of the goddamn road here because I don't have time. I'm doing this shit because I did a show last night. I usually do the podcast.

Oh, my God. Can we start something called Dush of the Week? Didn't I used to have something like that a long time ago? I went into this breakfast place, right? I woke up in the morning, right? And my wife had just had one of those nights where she couldn't get to sleep. and you know it's a lot if you have kids and stuff so I said you want me take the kids out to breakfast

she goes yeah could you do that I said yeah so I take them out to breakfast and you know I'm like I'm not coming back to like 11 I'm gonna give her like you know good three and a half hours here so I go to this breakfast place and I've been there before and the line's supposed to work its way out the door but the people sort of lined up where the line was going towards the booths and so there's like people eating this, people stand next to him. So I kind of get the line to go out the door. And the guy behind me doesn't play ball, and he cuts the fucking line. So I'm just looking at this guy, like, really?

He cuts the line, and I swear to God, he orders two cappuccinos. Excuse me. He orders two cappuccinos, and they go, okay, can we get a name on that? He goes, yeah, it's Brian with a capital B. Swear to God. Brian with a capital B. Oh, who's a big boy? Who the fuck says it?

Who doesn't capitalize it? Brian with the capital B. And then right in that moment, all of my, like, upsetment with him, it just went away. And I was just, oh, this guy's just, he's one of these really fucking insecure guys,

and he just goes into his egos, his ego, his ego. You know? lines don't apply to me I'm staying here I'm just going to get a fucking coffee he's doing making all of these justifications Brian with the capital B

I'm doing things so the anger went away and then I just started picturing I'm banging his wife and she's going like oh oh Brian oh Brian and he's fucking hammering away

going stay with the capital B stay with the capital B there you go and that's how you avoid getting into a fight with somebody. A little empathy. You see that they're insecure. He probably had a fucking mom and a dad

that didn't build him up. So now he's insecure. So now he's got... He probably read that fucking... The Art of War. Like most boys who weren't loved when they grow up at some point, they just fucking, you know,

they read that book, The Art of War, and then they think they'd have to be a cunt. You know? That's like a red flag if you even buy the... Actually, I bought... the book one time to see what the big deal was and I was just reading the shit going like yeah you know or you could like try to get along with people you could go in a different way and trying to get the upper hand on everybody all the time whatever the fuck this book is about

keep your friends closer your enemies closer that type of shit with your whole life you're just like fucking plotting so you can sell more widgets than the other fuck so I got to put the windows down It's getting hot here. I must like, I guess it's going to be fucking hot today. Jesus Christ. Oh, she's got like spanks on underneath it. Oh, hang on a second. Oh, little Bruno Mars for you.

Da-da-da-da-da-da-ba-dibaba-duba-do, don't sound the same. How many buttons do I have to fucking hit? Look at this shit. Okay, how do I shut it off? What do I do? Just hit. Is there no shutting it off?

What is, this is clicking? This fucking car. Do you know, it took me like six months to figure out how to shut off the shit they were projecting onto the inside of the windshield? You know, the thing you look out so you don't fucking run anybody over? Oh, I know that, dude. I know that, dude. There's this guy in my neighborhood, I swear to God.

I swear to God. He wears a cowboy hat like Billy Jack, and he wears the moccasins. And I'm just, I've just been waiting for multiple attackers to descend on that guy and watch them fuck them all up, you know? See, I'm an old guy, so I remember, you know, a lot of people don't know this shit. But in my generation, if a white dude had on a cowboy hat, you know, and he was wearing moccasins, that meant he was taking karate. not karate karate

and that man he was gonna you didn't fuck with that guy he definitely had a knife like walking around with a knife was a big thing in the 70s you know

and then for some reason people were into whales and Native Americans not in a way to help him but just more in a way to talk about it and pretend that you're actually doing something about the problem

It was sort of like What do they call that? Not grandstanding. What do they call that on social media? When, you know, there's some sort of social problem and you talk about it, but it's more... You know, you're not going to do anything about the problem. It's just more like you're talking about it

so people can see what an awesome person you are and say that you're brave. Dude, this guy's got a tank top on this, but I guess it's going to be fucking hot out today. This dude looks miserable. Oh my God. Fucking miserable. I hope wherever he's walking's going to put a smile on his face.

Dude, he looked like a little kid. I don't want to fucking go. Remember that sketch on S&L, the whiners? Anyway, what else? I'm sitting outside this breakfast spot because I got to... I'll tell you, I got fucking therapy this morning. I don't know if you guys know this about me. I'm a little fucked up.

So every once in a while, I got to sit down and talk about it. I think today I'm going to talk about my fucking ADD. I don't know if there's any cure for it, but I lost my glaciers, you know? And I've been reading like a son of a bitch. And it's kind of funny. You don't need glasses.

You just need to adjust where you hold the book. I don't know that sounds stupid, but it works. Um, that's what it really is. You just got to adjust where you hold the book. That's what I was doing. Oh, there it is. There's my prescription. Right there.

Beyond my navel, but not quite to my dick. That's where I need to hold the fucking book. So anyway, uh, I couldn't find my, uh, my glaciers for like weeks. And I was like, I got to get some new ones. And I just never got around to doing it. And simultaneously, I got these. in-ears for like when I play with bands and stuff just so I can have the mix in my ear and just see what that's like because I've never done it.

I did it when I sat in with Primus one time. I can't believe I have these fucking stories. I don't know how this happens, but I did. I sat in and I played that too many puppies and they gave me like in-ears, but like, you know, they're not molded to my ear. So I finally got those and then I got some just to put in for like when I go to concerts and something. or something, right?

So yesterday, I find my glasses and I lost my in-hears. Like, I literally had them for, like, fucking, like four hours. I don't know what the fuck I did with them. And my wife, Niaz, she's going, like, you know, you got ADD, man, I got, like, I know, I got, like, I know, I got like a thousand things on my mind.

I remember leaving my drum room and had difficulty putting the top on the... Looks like a mini hockey puck what he put him in. I don't know. What the fuck you're going to do? Oh, this guy with this Tesla truck. What is he doing? Sitting in the middle of the fucking road?

Of course he is. Dude, and what world is that pulling over? This guy's like five feet from the fucking curb. I swear to God. All of these cars, man, with all of this technology, is just making people worse and worse drivers. All right, this is a controversial opinion. I don't mind the Tesla truck.

I don't like the guy. The guy who was sig-tiled for some reason and didn't get in trouble for it. I like that truck from behind. It's fucking wild-looking. I don't know really what you could put in it or why they have like that window shade. I don't know that I've ever seen anybody

put anything in the back of their truck, but you can say that about a lot of trucks. Look at this guy. That's right. Give him a look. Now he's got to ride the bike on the outside of the thing and the person behind him's got to slow down.

I'm just giving traffic reports at this point. All right, let's do the advertising here. Shall we? Anyways, that Michael Jackson song, Man in the Mirror came on, and I was really hungry. And I just started singing along about my breakfast. You ever do that by yourself

and you don't even realize what you're doing? I was like, I'm gonna get some eggs and fucking cough it too and sit my freckled ass down gonna eat real good you know, it's not even paying attention and you're like, you know, this song is actually about something.

You know, Bill, it's not about your breakfast, what are you fucking weird L. Yankevick? All right, here we go. Ship Station. I'm starting with a hot fucking latte. I'd like you to use whole milk.

Oh, yeah. All the gospel singers in the background singing about my breakfast. This guy is sitting like a fucking quarter into the road. And everybody's got a fucking, come on, there's a cop. Do your job, do your job. That's right, go right by him. Go right by him.

You've got better things to do. All right, ship station, everybody. You know, as the old sayings goes, if it ain't broke, don't fucking fix it. Sounds right until you actually do the math. But what the fuck are? You got me so chilling. have to do math. I'm not good at that. For most businesses, shipping is that thing. What's it

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slash bill burr all caps Brian to compare life insurance quotes from top countries and see how much you could save that's policy genius dot com slash bill burr hey what if Jesus doesn't come back what if it's Judas and he's just like

I'm back guess who's back back again Judas is back um ratin out a friend um oh Jesus the shorts with the knee brace

you hate to see it all right let's do the uh let's talk to your questions you guys mind if I go a little short this fucking week my goddamn voice here let me see here

oh Neil de Krasse Tyson I'm gonna get some shit about this I love making fun of that guy I don't know why he just reminds me of the dude who fucking passes the class and I don't it's childish it has nothing to do with him all right Neil deGrasse Tyson

dear Philly Baguette I couldn't let the Neil deGrasse Tyson's slander continue without writing in well that's why I make fun of him he's held in such high esteem you got to do it you know I always do that shit it's just fun

who was that computer guy Steve Jobs I made fun of him too I'll start by saying that He is an accomplished astrophysicist who has contributed original research, published papers, and written multiple books in his field. He's also been on government advisory boards for the U.S. Space Program. I wouldn't do that if I were you. That's him advising the government. I don't know.

Seems kind of risky. He's also been on the government advisory boards of the U.S. space program. is the director of the Hayden Planetarium. I don't know what any of this stuff is. This sounds all impressive. And was even mentored by Carl Sagan or Sagan or Sagan. I get that he's best known for cringy clips of blowing stupid people's minds on talk shows.

That's where I fit in. But for the most part, he's making science more accessible and engaging for people who might not otherwise be exposed. Yeah, why should we level up when Neil can dumb it down. It's important work, and we could use more public educators like him, especially in today's world, where scientific literacy is being dangerously suppressed and politicized. Thanks for all you do, and go fuck yourself. P.S. come down to San Diego sometime. I know I haven't been there forever. I get that. But you know something? If Neil's going to come our way,

can we go his way a little bit? I've been reading my science book written by that Billy guy, a brief history of practically everything. I can tell you, the history of science is fucking tragic. It's really tragic because for everything that they figure out, the lizard people somehow take it, they monetize it, and they use it as a way to kill people, poison them, oppress people, and take more power. So, hey, scientists, why don't you stop figuring shit out?

What about back in the day when scientists used to get fucking credit before the lizard people started signing him to fucking 360 deals where they get a piece of everything including the created by credit. He figured it out. I will give it up to him. He figured out how to be a famous scientist

where you don't get credit for any of your inventions anymore. You just sign off. Everything that I invent, you know, this company's going to own. There's such pieces of shit. There's such pieces of shit. It's going to happen. The last time this happened was the feudal system and there was a plague and something else happened and then you know

then the industrial revolution it's just it's just it just keeps happening i don't know what to tell you um oh i got this i listened to 94 7 the wave you got prints on right now i want to be your lover going back to the radio everybody's wearing shorts today what is it bill may in california all I'm thinking about right now is my scrambled eggs and my fucking lit latte I'm thinking about my fucking scrambled eggs now all right teen facing charges oh boy this just got real serious well you know what my apologies the Neil deGrasse Tyson I'm just fucking with them

the best part is is I know he never sees it he's too busy figuring shit out to listen to some fucking bald ginger summer school kid there's an old school guy's got pants on and a giant fucking Hannibal Lecter hat walking his chihuahua um anyway oh my god just walking down the street

with his mouth wide open he just get to that age um I could do an impression of him but my fucking voices remind me on Thursday all right teen facing charges oh god

isn't the world negative enough I don't want to hear this ginger genius oh that was nice that would be my wrestling man I would be a wrestling manager, the ginger genius. I commented on a Reddit post about a kid driving over some geese.

A few of the comments on the post were talking about how the kids should be tried as an adult for the crime. I had to disagree. Yeah, it's disgusting, and buddies should face consequences, but get a grip, people. Try him as an adult. What is the point of juvenile law if we just try everyone as an adult the moment we get our feathers ruffled.

I see what you did there. I see what you did there, and I'm tipping my hat to you. I like that. That was nice. Miners are mentally disabled. That's why we have laws to protect them from themselves.

Yeah, their brain doesn't get fully developed, according to Neil deGrasse Tyson, until they're 25. I don't know, but aren't you also, you know, your brain is developing in a bad way if you could fucking run over a bunch of geese on purpose? I can see if you didn't see him Sure, the law shouldn't be based on a static age

Not everyone develops at the same speed But you're just ready to throw this kid into Federal pound Federal pound me in the ass prison Over what amounts to a fraction of what your Favorite Fried Chicken Restaurant does Every 30 seconds I mean, that's a decent point

If you're going to try this kid as an adult You gotta fucking lock up the kernel and throw away the key. What about us all being complicit, eating that shit? I mean, fuck this guy, but do we really need another drain on the system? He could still turn things around

and become a functional influencer or something. You know what? This person's a funny bastard. I love the podcast, obviously. I'll check in on your Thursday. Oh, kind of creepy when someone else says it, huh? Oh, Jesus, this guy's got jokes. Oh, my God, I've been here so long

that fucking... that Dusty Rose sidepiece went by again. Yeah, you know, that's always, uh, that's a tough one. And I don't have the background, honestly, to fucking, you're in a car and you just run over a bunch of geese. Okay, he's a juvenile. You don't want to try him as an adult. Jail's just going to make him a worse fucking person.

I don't know. I don't know about that one, man. That's, you know, God makes a lot of fucked up people. It's not always just the parents. Sometimes they just, he just doesn't, you know, you remember those Camaroes they used to make? It was called the rally sport. And to look at it, you know,

had the same body as the Z-28, but under the hood was only a V-6, and it couldn't get out of its own way. And if you got air conditioning, and you were going up the hill, you had to make a choice. Am I shutting off the air conditioner or somebody getting out, you know?

He does that with people and their brains. He makes the runts of the litter. And all the other species are smart enough to not feed that one, but we feed him. And then we give it a driver's license. And the next thing, you know, he runs over some geese. I honestly don't know what. I see what you're saying.

I think that it really would have to be a psychologist would have to talk to this kid, see if he truly understands what he did and if he has any sort of remorse for what he did. But I also don't think that they're not going to throw them in with, like, fucking murderers and rapists. Won't they? Please tell me that he'll least have protective custody or some shit. Just the shame of having to say why you're in jail.

You know, that classic old joke going around. What did you do? This guy. I ran over a bunch of geese in my mom's station wagon. I miss station wagons. You know? I really do. All right.

Here we go. What do we got here? Oh, Billy's Book Club. Oh, Billy. Hey there, Billy Bookworm. Billy Bookworm tits. There we go. Last week, you talked about reading a short history

of nearly everything. That's what I'm reading, yeah. I read that book a few years ago and loved it. Regarding that book, reading that book, sorry, made me feel like I was back in history class, except this time I was actually paying attention. Every school needs a t-shirt like Bryson, so I think it's Billy Bryson.

I highly recommend his other book, One Summer, American, 19-20, I would love to read that. It's a little more laid back as it deals with events such as Charles Lindbergh crossing the Atlantic, Babe Ruth breaking the home run record, and the rise and fall of Al Capone. I mean, that all sounds great to me.

So much more going on during that time. Aviation, baseball, and bootlegging. I think you would really enjoy this one. Anyways, looking forward your book recommendation for next month. All the best to you and the lovely family. Go fuck yourself. Yeah, and you know what? Thank you.

I have also found that, like, you know, I was kind of walking around. I just had, like, this anxiety, and it's gone away. But I've never been, like, or at least not in a long time, I didn't walk around caring, like, anxiety. And I think what happened was I just had too much work, and I was sort of avoiding it by just going on my phone. and I started scrolling and doing all of that stuff. And it's just, instead of quieting your mind,

it just ramps it up. And I have found, what the fuck did that lady just do? Oh. Oh. She was waving to somebody else that was walking up from behind my car. I was like, what the... She literally, like, broke their arms up. All right.

Oh, because she didn't know she was going to run into that guy. Okay, I just figured it out. She just fucking lifted both her arms up at the same time like she got into a cold pool. That was her reaction to seeing this guy coming up the street. He was wearing a blue hat, a blue pullover with two thin black stripes, black shorts, blue fucking socks, totally color-coordinated,

and then he has on orange sneakers. He blew it. He blew it. He was trying to be fresh to death. Is that what the kids say? I have no idea. All right, this guy's playing with this zipper. This is just getting weird.

Pat's his stomach, good breakfast. He's got a little zip in his step. All right, yeah, so I got away from my phone, and I started reading, which slows your mind down, and you fucking slip off into naps, if you're my age or whatever, and it really kind of helped me. And then also, like, focusing on breathing from my diaphragm rather than the fight or flight up in the top.

you know, chest, you know, when you just do those big... Ha! You just keep, you do like fucking ten of those and really just fucking try to just melt into the chair or something. It's going to be all right. That's what you've got to get telling yourself. It's going to be our right. There's always times in the world where it's not our right,

but then most people are good people, and they don't want to hurt other people. They don't want to run over geese, and they're not racist, and that are not homophobic. And if they're in a business, they actually want to pay their employees. They don't want their employees to go to work,

scared, go to sleep scared, wake up scared, whatever those fucking nerds talk about. I was what, Nia was watching Shark Tank last night. And we had such a great night after I did the benefit. I went over to a buddy of mine's birthday party. And we were going around the table sharing stories. And of course, I'm thinking I got to break balls and all of that stuff. And I was like, Bill, what if you're just actually nice?

What if you just say, what if you're just not a comedian for half a second? So I didn't say anything mean. I just told a funny story. I still told a funny story. I still went to my go-to. You know? I'm the Neil deGrasse Tyson of avoiding my emotions. Um

Anyway You know to be hilarious He was ever a guest In my podcast Not saying I want that I like not having guests And like He came on all like fucking pissed

He saw a whole other side to him Like fucking You know The Al Capone side I'm a famous scientist You know fucking hard that is They don't give his credit for any of our inventions anymore.

They own them before we even come up with them. So for me to actually be famous, you know I don't fuck around. I dot all the eyes and cross all the T's. And you and I got unfinished business. You got to be like, oh shit, Neil is going in. And I would just squash it. I'm sorry.

People like you, so I'd just make fun of shit that people like. That'd be great if they just lined up everything that I've made fun of that I truly actually didn't really give a shit about. Neil Grass Tyson, Star Wars. I mean, I look, I'm not saying I don't enjoy Star Wars. I just made fun of it because everybody liked it. Anyway, I think that that's the podcast, everybody.

Yeah, so start reading. Think about your breathing and all that. Try one of those breathwork massages that I did and actually talk to the person before you do it. Tell them all the pain that you're in and that you're nervous. about letting this stuff go. And you just kind of get it out there.

And then they'll make you feel relaxed. And you can heal. And you'll be nice to hang around. You can have a night like I had last night. Going home to my lovely wife, I watched Shark Tank with her. I kept my mouth shut. I wasn't roasting everybody on the fucking thing.

And she went downstairs to make, like, a midnight snack. And she was down there forever to the point I actually fell asleep. And I came back up. And I'm going to tell you this right. fucking now. She made the greatest charcutory board I've ever had in my life.

And she, like, knows all of this stuff about food. So she wasn't letting me take it off the tray. She was organizing it and literally fucking putting it in my mouth like a fucking Greek god.

She goes, all right. She goes, chew that, blah, blah, blah. And I have this little, this little fucking, let's get a little mini piece of toast. Now, because she goes, put that in your mouth as you're finishing that part off.

And she had those little, peppercini's in there to add a little zip to it. It was fucking amazing. So shout out to her for being such an awesome person. All right, that is the podcast, everybody. Go fuck yourselves, but be nice to each other. Help each other out. God knows these fucking cunts above you aren't going to do it.

That's it. Thank you once again to everybody who came out. And thank you to all the incredible fucking musicians that came out last night. Billy Morrison, Dave Kushner, Mark McGrath, uh, Frankie Perez. I mean, we just had a fucking great time. We had a fucking great time.

And, uh, oh, Scott Shriner on bass. I mean, how about that band, huh? I mean, it was fucking, they sounded so good. So all I did, I just do what I do. I fucking Phil Rudd the thing. Um, I stay in my lane. And, uh, they were fucking. They were awesome, man.

We got together. We did the sound check at like three. And it was one of my most favorite jams I've ever done because everyone had a great sense of humor. Everyone was being self-deprecating, fucking around. And then just all telling stories and everything. And I don't know, man. I fucking love musicians.

I really think what they do is like, the closest thing to magic. Like literally learning how to speak through a fucking instrument where you can just express yourself like that is fucking incredible. So to be able to, you know, be the make-a-wish kid in that band last night

was incredible. Thank you to mates who brought all the equipment out and whoever tuned up those drums, I fucking, in the words of ACDC, I salute you, man, because that's one of the best-sounding fucking kits I've ever played in my life. It sounded so good.

And thank you to everybody, the United Theater in downtown L.A. I just had an awesome time. All right, that's it. I'll check in on you on Thursday.