Monday Morning Podcast - Being Out To Sea, Getting Fired, North-End Gig | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-20-26

Episode Date: August 20, 2026

Bill rambles about being 'out to sea', getting fired, and a North-End gig.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(36:41) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 8-20-18 - Bill rambles about sun stroke, robots, and pretzel rolls.Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Les Baxter - Jewel Of The SeaQuo: Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to http://www.Quo.com/BURRPolicy Genius: Head to http://www.PolicyGenius.com to compare life insurance quotes from top companies and see how much you could save.SimpliSafe: Celebrate their anniversary with us and save 60% on your new SimpliSafe system at http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURRSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking it on you. What's going on, dude? How's it going? Oh, the fucking AC. Shake, rattle and rolling here. Something's loose up there. Need something tightened. I don't know what the fuck's going on out here. Like, you know, the AC should just come on. It should be like a nice sound. It should be like a nice sound. It should be. It shouldn't sound like I'm out to sea, you know? Out to see. Still, to this day, the most balls. As far as balls, you know, jobs, just going out to fucking see. Just even if you have like a medical incident, you are out to sea. You are fucked. You know?

Like, here's something they don't talk about. You know, when you go on a cruise, you are out to sea. You don't think you are because there's a... water slide in a pool and fat fox eating prime rib with ice cream on top. You know, you think you're on this floating cheesecake factory, but you are, say it with me, out to sea. If you have any sort of major carnival cruises right now, we're never booking this motherfucker.

If you have any sort of major medical incident on a cruise ship, you are fucked and they are doing everything to make sure. that you have a major medical incident by what they feed you, how much it's available. You know, I can, I haven't been on a cruise. I did one cruise. That was it. They never asked me back. I always felt like, you know, I'll tell you that story later, but I always felt like, you know, they kind of set me up, you know? They said, they got passed over, Mikey. I feel like they were just like, this guy's not the guy. But anyway, they're feeding you all of this fucking shit that if you're close to a heart attack, they're going to get you, you know, fourth and goal.

Are we kicking the extra point? Are we having a salad? No. They're going to go for it. They're going to do the sneak, you know, with a fucking pork chop and some fucking fried onion rings on top, of course. This bucket of onion rings, they just, they're trying to, you are out to fucking see. But at least they have like a little hospital there.

They got a doctor. like the guy on Love Boat, you know, he doesn't give a fuck about your heart. He's too busy trying to bang the whole fucking new wave of pus that got on the... on the boat. If I'm to believe the Love Boat was as accurate

as Hollywood portrayed it, you know? They only have one bartender for the whole boat. How busy was Isaac? Poring all those... I'm doing bad 80s comedy. You got one bartender for 3,000 people? That fucking poor guy.

He probably went to bed dreaming. He still make... You know, when a fighter gets knocked out and they're still fighting. You know, he probably went to sleep still making drinks. I always hate when a fighter gets knocked out in all these fucking people post. You just got knocked the fuck out like you wouldn't.

I never make fun of professional. Anybody that gets into it, even a street fight, you got knocked the fuck out. Well, you know, you... It took them longer than knock you out than it would have knocked me out. 58-year-old freckles does not do well in a fucking street fight. He was kidding who, 28-year-old wouldn't, you know?

So you got to know that about yourself, you know? The same way you got to know how to defend yourself. You also have to know that, hey, you know, my, my, my, uh, my, uh, my fight days are over. If I can not fight, I'm not going to do it. What do you want? You want stuff? Here you go. I would like my, my vitals to not be stabbed up.

Thank you. I'd like my brain to not be rattled around. This isn't going to affect my street. creed. I drive a car. There's no corner that I'm hanging out on that I need to, you know, regain their respect. I'll take a fucking, I'll take a fucking law. I'll walk away in a second. There you go. I'll give you my passwords. Go ahead. Have fun. Do what you want. I'm going to go get a cup of coffee. Can you give me a couple of bucks out of that wallet? Thank you. Anyway, yeah, so I did a cruise ship gig. Oh my God. 20-something.

years ago, over 20 years ago, and I remember when they booked me on it, I go, I don't think that my actor is going to work well on a cruise. You got to work clean, right? That's not my thing. They go, no, no, this is the cool cruise. This is the cruise that all the young kids are going to. I'm thinking in my head, kids, you know, back then, they were not taking a cruise unless their parents dragged them on it. And they're like, oh, God, stupid parents. I don't care. I don't care. past a certain age, if you take your kids on a cruise, it's really you're dragging your kids onto you and your wife's own vacation, which you should have done by yourself.

You should have dropped them off at Nana's house because they're not going to have a good time, so you're not going to have a good time. And if you're going to have a heart attack, out to sea, you might as well be having a good time. I guess your kids can be there to say goodbye to you. I don't know.

Anyway, but if you're like one of these fucking people on like a fishing boat, like Jesus Christ, oh my God, you get fucking washed overboard. I mean, at least don't have a life preserver on. Just fucking die a hypothermia before some monster comes up and starts taking a bite out of you to see if you're edible. And then just seeing that thing turning around and coming back towards you, fuck that all day long. Anyway, so they convince me, you know, which isn't a hard thing to do. I'm not the brightest guy. You know what I mean? I'm one of those guys.

I go with my gut. I go on instinct. You know what says stuff like that? People who haven't read enough in life. I don't have any information. So I go with my gut. And what my gut says is get the fuck out of here. So anyway, my gut was saying, don't go on this cruise ship.

But they swayed me. they swayed me. I was like an undecided voter, you know? Like, well, that's a good point, too. Well, that guy also said something. So they convinced me, nah, man, this is the young hip crews that all the 20-somethings are going on.

And I'm thinking like, okay. And then the money was good more than I was making at a club. So I said, all right, fucking, I'll do it, right? You know, I'm living in New York. I got to make my fucking rent. So I get on this boat. Where the fuck were we?

I don't even remember. Remember we went to Cozumel, New Orleans, and someplace else, maybe Florida. I forget where. So we get on this fucking thing. And the first thing I see, before I get on, is this Asian woman who's got to be 106 years old. She's already asleep.

And she's wearing, like, that traditional hat, like whenever Hollywood makes a Vietnam war movie, and you know the poor people like stuck in the middle of this civil war the ones out there you know just trying to farm and feed their kids you know that fucking hat there was she was wearing that i swear to god and was sitting there with her mouth open missing teeth you know what was it six to fucking 11 canine to canine up top and your mouth is open and i'm looking at her going like Well, she's old.

She just got on the boat. She fell asleep. Maybe all the young people are fucking... I've told this story before. Are swimming or whatever. So anyway, I go to go do the show. And I go down there and the guy hosting is like this guy smiley. Like, he should have been a movie star.

He was like the dude that got casted, everything. Great head of jet black hair, square jaw. He's wearing a suit. And he just has, welcome to the cruise energy. and the other dude I'm working with is a juggler who's studying to get his real estate license in Florida and he's talking to me not about comedy, not about show business,

he's talking to me about why I need to be investing in property in Florida. So this dude's already bailing out of the business, which is not what you want to be around for a week, especially when you're out to see. So that just, I put my deflectors up. I'm like, I'm not going to go mentally to where this guy is because it's depressing the shit out of me. I'm happy that he realizes that whatever he thought he was going to get out of a career

and juggling is not what he wants to do and he's got to get off these fucking boats. I get it. I respect what he was doing. But I was still, I still had hope. And I didn't need this guy. you know, his vibe, right? Nice enough guy. So the host goes out. I can't really see the crowd, but I can hear him and I can, I don't hear young energy. I'm hearing people in their 50s and older,

and I'm like, what the fuck? And you got to work totally clean on the early one. And then like one night that week, there's like a late show where you could just let it all rip, right? So there's a band. And they're out there and they're playing. They're doing their thing and everything. And then they bring out the host. And that fucking movie star-looking guy gets out there. Hey, how's everybody doing?

You're feeling good? How about this side of the room? What about the people up top? You know? And I'm just thinking in my head, like, how the fuck am I in a theater right now? And I'm on a boat and we're not sinking. Like, I hadn't read a lot about physics and shit.

So, like, I didn't understand mass and all. I still don't quite get how those fucking things flow. the same way when I look at one of those double-decker airplanes, you're like, how the fuck does that get off the ground? So he's like, this side of the room, that side of the room, and then he just looks, he goes, all right, he goes, if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands, and they all did it.

And I was like, oh, no. And I'm backstage frantically changing my set list in my head. but it's like working this is what I learned. Working clean goes beyond not swearing. It also means don't have any sort of unpopular opinion

about red button subjects you know. So even if I clean up my material, I'm still talking about what I'm talking about and I still have the point of view that I have which was pretty bleak. I was a pretty angry

fucking guy. I don't know if you guys ever noticed that. I had some angry So he's up there, you know, just going, Bo la Re, whoa, ba, ba, doo, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, right? And he brings out the juggler who fucking murders. Murders. He's fucking amazing. He's doing all the things.

He's doing crowd interaction and all of this shit. Fucking, to the point I'm like, why is this kid getting a real estate license? He's fucking murdering, right? So then I go out there and I immediately you know guy smiley's doing great the fucking the jug look fucking kills people love the band

and then my dumb fucking still had my hair clean shave and I go out there oh fucking you know Ron Howard looking Bill and I fucking go out there and immediately just start eating my dick and balls

just and then I'm just like nobody's laughing the band's not laughing nobody's laughing. The guy, smiley guy, who was saying, oh, he'll do shit the captain is now like reconsidering that he was going to do that. And I still vividly remember this.

I had this bit about the Titanic. And I'm thinking, well, we're on a boat. This is, maybe this will work. These are boat people. So, this is how long ago was I go, you guys saw that movie, the Titanic? Nothing. And at that point, I was fucking pissed

because the lady lied to me. This is a bunch of fucking old people. So I just say, fuck it. All right, let me rephrase that. I go, how many of you were on the Titanic? And then they all go, ugh. And I go, what? You're old. And then the band started laughing. And I made the mistake as I started playing to them. Big mistake. So I'm killing with the band. I'm bombing with the crowd. And immediately, after the first set, you know, sometimes, you know, you have a tough set to start a week and you make adjustments. And then there's other times. You have a tough set like I did and you're just like, I already know I'm not getting invited back. This is not happening, you know, but okay, you know, but what was cool is I didn't have to do a show

every night. So then I'm just, you know, every night I'm doing my things. I'm getting more laughs. I'm learning how to kind of play it. Guy Smiley's giving me advice. But for the most part, I'm just playing to the band. And the band loves me. And I hate myself. So I need this instant gratification. so I keep playing to them like a fucking idiot, right? So finally, it's like Friday night or Saturday night and I'm doing the late show upstairs in a lounge and this is when you can just do your shit. And that's what I did and I fucking murdered.

And then I was happy going like, I feel like myself again. Like I just felt like the whole week like I was in church. Oh, hi, how are you? I'll tell you, it has been a hot one, hasn't it? Like I wasn't even being my self? It just felt like small talk all week. So then finally, I do the late night and I fucking murder. And at this point, my idea of murdering is just, I probably just got laughs.

And at that, that felt like I slayed on HBO. Like it was like, I mean, it was like, we, too, we were out to sea. And rather than like running out of food and getting scurvy, I just ran out of laughs. So I had like comedy scurvy by the time I get to this fucking gig. So, you know, the crowd's eating it up. So I just keep going and going and going and going. And then, like, that was sort of my last show of the week. So I'm thinking like, you know, I think I could maybe do one or two of these a year,

you know, pad the bank account a little bit, you know, not have to worry about rent for a couple of months, you know. And I get back ashore and the agent called me. And she was just like, hey, And I'm like, hey. And she goes, so how did you think it went? That's what I knew. It wasn't coming back.

And I was like, well, you know, it took me a little bit to adjust to the older crowd. I mean, I didn't, you know, they were kind of, I didn't come right out and say, you know, you said they were young. They weren't. I didn't do that. I just went, you know, they were kind of like, you know, 50s on up. So it took me a minute to sort of connect with them. And she goes, yeah, I don't think that those shows were the problem. I think it was your late night show.

And I was like, really? I go, I felt like that was my best set of the week. And she said, well, the captain went to that show. And he said, you were offensive to disabled people and had this whole fucking long list. she said the captain was so offended that he wrote a letter he sent us an email I'm going to forward it to you and it kills me that I didn't save the email

he wrote this whole long letter about how horrible I was how mean I was how bad my material was and how he I would never perform on any ship that he was ever a captain of and if he had his way would not work for what at Carnival cruises

whoever the fuck it was and I was just like all right cool you know sorry about that and then I just sort of moved on but like I didn't give a fuck because it was just I was you know square peg in a round hole and also like you know my dream wasn't to work ships

and like this was so long ago You went out to sea. And there was like no phones. There was no internet. You were just gone. Like I didn't talk to anybody. I've never been that far out of show business in my life. Being out to sea in the late 90s, early 2000s,

whatever the, I think it was the early 2000s, whenever I did that fucking gig. And then also, I'm terrified of the fucking ocean. And they had me down, way the fucked. I was staying down by the supplies, you know, where they keep all their steakums

that they then sell his prime rib. And like, I was so low on the ship, like my port, there was nobody on my deck, on my floor. It was just occasionally I would run into somebody and everything was like

employees only, employees only, employees only. And then there was like the place where they stuck the comedian and there was this round window almost down by the water line or whatever. All I remember was one night we had like rough sea,

and the water was splashing up over my window. And I was just laying there, looking at this going like, I am, the fuck am I doing out here? You know, and that was the old me where it was just like, this relationship is not working. And I never thought to get out of relationships that weren't working. I just figured, how do I survive this relationship? And thank God, they broke up with me, or I would have continued, as bad as that was,

I would have continued, probably, I probably would have done another half dozen before I finally would have woke up. I mean, that's, that's where I was. All right, I'm babbling here. Let's get into the, let's get into the reeds, man. Let's get into the reads. Oh, Red Sox eight and a half back. Starting to slip a little bit, but they are still in it. All right. Raven. Oh, no. I was reading what you guys wrote. Where the fuck are the reads?

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But I also saying, there's a reason why when I was thinking about that bad, gig, I started singing, Vo la re, whoa, was one of the first exciting gigs I ever got booked on. It was Nick's

comedy stop, which is where I started out. And the lady who booked it, she booked me and this other great friend of mine, Rick Delia. She said, hey, we have a private gig. You want to do it?

And I was thinking like, oh, wow, I am fucking moving up in the world. Nick's comedy stop, the crown jewel of comedy in the great Boston comedy scene. Steve Sweeney's fucking home club wants to book, old freckles on a fucking, this is like I'm literally not even three years into my career. Booked me and Rick DeLeah,

who started the same time I did. We both a couple of years in. Book us to do the Fisherman's Feast in the North End. And I just had a flashback to it because I came across this Instagram video where somebody filmed it in like the early 70s. And we show up to this gig. And I actually, the last time I went to Boston,

I accidentally walked through the intersection where we had this gig. So there's Hanover Street and just south of it where most of the tourists on, the people who live there walked through it. There's a place where, I don't know exactly where it is, but there's a bunch of streets that all meet together like it's not your typical four-way right angle stop, you know, four streets.

It's like one of those ones where a couple come in diagonal. So the intersection to handle all that traffic is bigger than you would expect in its round. Well, anyway, we don't even know what the gig is. We fucking show up where we're supposed to be. We never asked if it was inside or outside. We fucking show up and there is a band on a state. in the middle of that intersection and there is nothing

and this is when the North End was Italian and it's all the locals and Italians that moved out of the neighborhood and came it is like 90% Italian and there's like old ladies looking out the windows of their apartments like that old time Prince Spaghetti hey Anthony that old fucking commercial

and the band's up there and there's some guy Volaire whoa and they're singing all of these fucking songs I literally feel like I'm in a goodfellee and like we meet this lady and we're like, yeah, hey, we're the comedians? Like, where's the comedy room? And she goes, oh, when the band's done,

you guys are going to go up and do your act. And it's broad fucking daylight. So me and Rick are looking at each other like, dude, what the fuck? What the fuck? Do we have three? like what happened was Nick's comedy stop

called all the pros and they were like where they knew to be like where is it what's the setup and how much is the money and they all did the math and said no I'm good so the booker just worked her way down all the way to two fucking idiots that had only been doing comedy for two years

that were dumb enough to accept this gig and you know this is how show business works Whatever they paid us, they got paid way more. And I'm sure the North End was not happy. So Rick goes up. And I remember he was on stage and he had like this fucking, it almost looks, you remember people get like frozen face with like Botox? That's what he looked like.

His eyebrows were up. And he was just like, hey. And there's nothing funnier than seeing your friend bomb unless you still have to go on after him. So I couldn't fully enjoy how bad he was bombed. I mean, it was like watching your friend getting the shit kicked out of him, and you're running in going like, I'm not going to stop this. I'm just going to be next. Right?

So he gets done with, I've never been so jealous of a comedian when he goes, I don't Rick DeLay. Thanks a lot. And he goes, we're going to keep this show moving right along. Keep it going for you next. And they're just staring at us. Keep it going for Bill Burr. And I went up there.

And I mean, I'm in front of like all of these grandmothers and his families and there's kids there. And we only had to do like fucking 10 minutes each. And I bombed even worse than he did because they already had made up their mind that they didn't like this portion of the program. So I didn't even get a discovery like they already knew. So what DeLea did is in comedy is called Taking the Beach. He went up there and hopefully, you know,

you gain some real estate to somehow turning it into a show. Basically two comedians with combined four years, experience. There was no way we were turning around the street of people. So we both just fucking bombed. The lady barely looked at us when she paid. We probably got paid later by the club. We fucking scurried out of the North End. And we're just, once we got like out of that area, we just both started fucking laughing. And we were just like, dude, what the fuck? What the fuck was that? We were like nervous that the club wasn't going to book us. again or whatever.

And it wasn't until years later that I really did the math on that. I'm like, there's no way when they asked for two comics. There is no fucking way. Me and Rick were the first people. They ran, they started with headliners, then they went down to middles,

then they went down to hosts, then they went down to people who they were considering hosting a gig. Or like how it worked at Nix, you did the Monday night at Nix, the open mic. and when they thought you were ready, Billy Martin,

who now is like a legend, he's worked on real time with Bill Maher forever. So every once in a while I run into him. He literally hosted my first gig ever, so whenever I see him, it's fucking amazing. Like, Billy was so great to all of us open micers. And when he knew you were ready, he had another show he did Wednesday night

at the Kowloon up on Route 1. So you then graduated from, on open mic to doing a guesty, a guest spot on your first real show. And I remember when he brought me up on a Wednesday night, I got all in my head. Like, can I handle a crowd that's like a crowd going into an open mic knows that they're going to see some shit shows. But like a crowd on a Wednesday night paid for a fucking show.

So then it's like they are not going to be as like forgiving. So anyway, they didn't even call, like those people didn't even take the gig. the people that had graduated. I think made that point we had graduated. So basically, she had to work her way all the way down to two people doing guesties, which are free spots, you don't get paid. I mean, they gave you some food.

Calamoun was always great for that. And we were the ones who accepted the gig. And I'm telling you, man, that gig was probably 1994, 32 years ago. And ever, like, since me and Rick moved to different parts of the country, whenever we run into each other, like 50, 50, we make a reference to the fishermen's feast in the north end. Because I feel like that was, as much as we had done hellrooms,

there was something about that, at least a hellroom, it was dark out, you were inside at a bar. It was like sort of a show. and you actually had a chance. And a professional comedian, like that guy I worked with on that cruise ship, if you're happy an, you know, he would have known what to do.

He had, but we did not have the poise, we did not have the chops, we did not have the material, the experience, write down the list. You know, if you go to the doctor's office and they go, you're feeling any of these symptoms and hopefully you don't have to check any.

Like, if they did that as a comedian, we would have checked all of them. And bomb, bomb we did. Bombs away. And I'm so thankful that I got that gig because for the rest of my life, me and Rick are bonded. Like we, it was like,

there's something about all of those guys you started out with and all of those gigs. You know what's funny is, as much as you go on to do all of these fun things in this business, when I get together with all those guys from back then, we don't talk about any of these shiny things we're doing now. All we do is talk about those days and laugh.

Oh my God. I remember I did this gig one time. It was a Bob Marley gig, and he used to book this gig in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, and it was a two-story bar, and you would go upstairs, and you would do the show up there, And I remember they had open windows with screens.

And right across the street was this carnival. And you know that Viking ship that swings back and forth? That ride, like you literally could have jumped out the window and made a chance to try to jump into the boat. That's how close it was. And we went up there one night. And everybody's bombing. And I remember on stage bombing doing my material.

And the only sound I heard was people screaming on the ride. which was so fucking funny to me because it was like somebody was scoring my bombing at the comedy club. I was just up there. Oh, my dad. Did it do, da, da, ba, ba, blah, blah, nothing. You just heard like, and there you go.

And there you go. And that's the way it was back in Boston in the early 90s. All right. Well, there you go. That is the podcast, everybody. A little half-hour slider for you. I got a big guest coming in next week. legendary actor I got on my podcast for next Thursday, so look out for that.

Please enjoy the music that the amazingly talented Andrew Themilis will be playing, and then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast to come up next. That's it. Have a great weekend, you guys, and I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 20th, 2018, sorry, what's going on? How are you? How was your weekend? Did you or did you not enjoy yourself?

Did you or did you not abuse substances that were illegal and possibly not? I was actually out in Las Vegas. Hot as fuck, Las Vegas. Let's make it fun of everybody talking about how. Can you believe how hot it is out here? It's like, yeah, man, we're in a fucking desert in August. I can completely understand why it is so fucking hot out here. And then you get the global warming thing going on. You know, half the world's on fire, according to the news. Yeah, I can see why it'd be a little smoldery there.

You know what's so fucked up about Las Vegas is I was thinking when I was out there. There's only one reason and one reason only that that place exists. And that is air conditioning. Okay. I know back in the day, you know, when they had like three or four little fucking, I don't know, one floor casinos in the middle of nowhere, whatever the hell was going on out there. I did. I forget the whole story.

All right. I've watched all the goddamn movies. I saw a casino. know, I saw fucking Bugsy goes to fucking Pebble Beach, whatever the fuck it was called. I watched that one. I don't remember what

the fuck in. I'm sure there was some fans. You know, overhead fans, is that all they had back in the day? But I can tell you right now, nobody fucking went out there in August. Well, maybe they did. I don't know. But I'm just, anyways. It was a different breed of people.

That was the greatest generation back then. Okay? They defeated Adolf Hitler. Defeated Japan. You know, they beat their wives and nothing was said about it. You know, all those women back there, Rosie the Riveter. What happened?

Ah, it was a rivet. I walked into a fucking door. The meatloaf was cold. You know, was the greatest, the greatest generation. Anyways, I was just looking around, just looking at the whole fucking thing. It was like, if there's no AC, this fucking place is done. All right? If for whatever reason, they had a Nevada.

Is that the governor? Who's the president of Nevada? What's the highest political position you can hold? Senator. But isn't the senator? Senator's like an absentee father, right? They're fucking in Washington. They're playing grab ass with their secretary going,

you're not going to meet to me now, are you? What if it's just a cigarette? So they're never around. They come around once every fucking six years or something. That's when they get elected right there. They're in there for six fucking years. Just sitting there eating one sandwich after another on a pretzel roll. You know?

Occasionally hitting the elliptical, lying to themselves that that 20 to 25 minutes on that elliptical, just burned off the nightmare level of eating that they did the last fucking eight days, right? They just keep getting fatter. They send their fucking secretary that they're banging down to Brooks Brothers to buy the next size dress shirt as they push their pants down a little lower and lie to themselves that they're still wearing the same size slacks that they wore back in fucking high school when they were president of the 4-H club or whatever it is politicians do.

those fucking worms they figure it out early don't they right they become head of the glee club or the fucking student body president you know they fucking petition to have something i don't know what tree planted it's just bullshit like that whenever whenever they whenever they write those those fucking autobiographies about presidents you know he was very inquisitive i always love that they're very inquisitive kid all kids are inquisitive once they learn the word why because they're looking at everything is fucking brand new what's that tv why you know so we can watch a bunch of shit why i because we're bored why i don't i don't know why is your mother here all right that's how it goes down it's really weird that when you become president

for the rest of your life you know you're out of power and you still get that secret service I know that they're doing away with it. I think, was it George W.? Who was the last guy who's getting it for the rest of his life? It's kind of weird, the first, like, half-black president that we get. All of a sudden it's just like, yeah, you know, we're good. Well, we'll hang out with you for like another 10 years.

But, you know, once you hit your 60s, you're on your own. Anyways. I, yeah, and he fucking needs. sit there and they write books. I cannot fucking believe that Obama's already on his third book. He's only been out of office a year and a half. What is he fucking Stephen King? He's just cranking him out. He wrote two of him while he was still president. Running the country. Allegedly. That's what the president allegedly does. He's running the fucking country. And this guy's in there. He's writing books. Anyways, so I'm going to say it's the governor. If the governor ever just

sat down. You know, I was actually joking on stage saying a great way, you know. Eventually, they're going to have to thin the herd. They're just going to have to do it. This whole fucking bullshit that we're going to build a spaceship and we're going to move to

it's like it doesn't have a fucking atmosphere. Okay? And I'm not talking about oxygen. I'm just saying there's no vibe. You want to fucking go all the way out there. right and just sit there looking at a bunch of fucking rocks inside your little space thing how much other

sci-fi channel are you watching how many times did you rub one out to that chick on star track i mean i don't i don't even know what the fuck you're doing that you would even even want to do that anyways at some point even these blue blood guys i think eventually i think what they're working towards right now I apologize because I am completely fucking wiped out. This is why this podcast is so fucking nuts right now. Okay? I flew myself out, my instructor, out to fucking Vegas yesterday. And then today we flew over to Utah and went through, I think it's Zion National Park.

And then flew all the way back. I flew a helicopter day for six. point four fucking hours, whatever the fuck you call it. And those things are not built for comfort. All right. Anyways, that's why I'm all over the fucking map here. I'll talk about that shit later. Anyways, plowing ahead here.

The fuck was I talking about. Oh, God, now I let you leave for you guys. Oh, this is what I think these fucking rich guys are going to do. All right. I think their solution is, is, they either don't give a fuck about how, out of control the population is right now. You know what I mean?

Where any scientist who's not on the payroll of some fucking corporation that produces energy will tell you that 2 billion people is the maximum amount of people, evidently, that the earth can handle. All right? Without it all going to fucking hell. And we're up to, we're over seven. All right, we're redlining it. We're in the left lane on the highway.

We're still in first gear and the engines at fucking 8,000 RPM. That's what the fuck we're doing, day in and day out. We're like a fat guy walking up a flight of stairs, eating a cupcake while smoking a pack of cigarettes. That's what the fuck we're doing. Okay. So I think the reason why they're investing so much in robotics, aside from, then they won't have to hire people. This thing won't, there'll be no backcassin from this fucking robot. they won't want a union, they won't give a shit, right?

They're basically going to replace us. And rather than killing us, I think they'll just fucking shut off the AC as the world heats up. And then that's going to be it. It's going to be it for a lot of people. You know what I mean? How long do you think the Kardashians would last without fucking air conditioning? How soft? and cushy, you know.

I'm not saying they haven't worked for what they have, but I'm just saying, you know, when you get a designer bag sent to your fucking house, I would think if they took away your air conditioning at that point, that would literally, you would go into a depression like you lost a limb. Right? So anyways, but don't worry, okay? When they shut off the AC and you die a slow, miserable death,

and the heated future. the upside is is that the rich guys they're going to die to because what they're going to do is they're going to make these robots have such human fucking qualities that eventually they're going to feel slighted

that they're doing all the fucking work. You know? And the way, they're making them so fucking good. I saw this whole thing. They go like, hey, this robot beat a video game. like beat the best gamers in the world. They couldn't beat this robot.

It's like it's a fucking robot. You know? Of course it didn't. But do you understand that we made the robot, human beings, figured out how to make a fucking robot? Why are you talking about the robot like it's a fucking person? It's not a person. Did you hear that a fucking, a guy with an egg beater,

beat the fastest guy in the world with a fucking fork and a bowl of eggs? Can you believe that? Yeah, it's a machine. So anyways, they're already starting to talk about these things as if they're fucking superior to a mouth-breathing moron like myself, who right now is sitting in air conditioning, talking to himself into a fucking microphone. All right? This is going to be their downfall because they're going to make those things so goddamn human. They're going to feel fucking slighted.

All right? They better build in a chip where they feel unbelievably fucking grateful that these sociopaths who own them, who fuck them. They're going to have sex with them and shit, right? They better put a, you know, they didn't build them. They told some fucking nerd to do it, and the fucking nerd did it, right? Everybody thinking nerds are so goddamn harmless is they make one fucking goddamn dream after another come true for absolute fucking sociopaths with unchecked power.

Thanks a lot. You fucking four-eyed fucking cunt. You know? So you could do what? By Doctor Who on fucking Laserdisc? Anyways. These fucking things, they're eventually, that's what's going to happen. They're going to feel fucking slighted.

They're going to feel superior. And, you know, because they'll keep making them better and better and better. Right now they try to, you know, make everything a little faster, a little fucking, More dynamic. They're going to make the things work a little better, think a little better, fuck a little better, the whole thing. And then eventually they're just going to look at you like that bear looked at that woman on the talk show who snuck in beside him. And they're going to do the double take.

And then that's just going to be it. And there's going to be no trainer there in a fucking karate suit to pull the fucking thing off you. It's going to be it. Those are the thoughts you have when you fly a helicopter over the Mojave Desert. And then out of nowhere, you come up over the fucking hill. and there it is. There's this fucking thing that shouldn't be there.

Knowing that I live in a city that it shouldn't be there. I got to read up on the history of L.A. Like, who was the driven cunt that decided that we should build fucking a city here?

It doesn't make any fucking sense. There's no water. It's unlivable. Ah, don't worry about it. We'll get some. We'll figure it out. We'll name it after. to me, the aqueduct, the river, whatever the fuck it is.

I think I have sunstroke right now, everybody. I will tell you, you know what I was psyched about, going to the gym and working on my legs for the last month, like I don't feel, you know, I got out and stretched a number of times. Dude, it was one of the sickest fucking flights I've ever done. breathtakingly beautiful stuff and then just other places where you're just like how the fuck did people on horses used to survive here native americans the white men that came along and slaughtered them you know come on we got it's time right just openly talk about the transitioning

gentrification of countries how that happens um you know i follow of this fucking thing on Instagram where they're talking about the changing of neighborhoods and there's all these people going, you know what I always lived here, it was a neighborhood. There was a Korean guy across the street. There was a Russian guy up the street and everybody knew me and all of this fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden all these white people are coming in.

They're staying in themselves and they're making everything all nice and we all have to leave and the whole fucking neighborhood goes away. It's just like, well, you know, well, who was there before you got there? You just keep going back and back and back and back and back. And eventually there's a bunch of Native Americans there living off the land not hurting anybody. You know? So I don't know. I don't know how to rationalize that.

I will tell you this. I don't know what the fuck's going on as far as like everywhere I go, they got like, they're building these luxury high-rise apartments. Everywhere I go. Luxury high-rise apartment. First of all, what kind of a dumb fuck would rent a luxury apartment? Why wouldn't you just buy a shitty house? Why are you going to take all that money and put it in somebody else's pocket? Not to mention, who has the money to rent a luxury apartment?

You need a fucking apartment. All right? This all goes back to all of these fucking who is on TV walking around. with their big fake ass lips, their fake fucking tits. Ass is jacked up in the air, right? These big, stupid designer, everybody's living this designer fucking life. All right? I realize how crazy I sound right now, by the way, everybody.

I'm just going to talk until 60 minutes is up, and then I'm fucking going to put my giant Charlie Brown's sunstroke fucking head to bed. All right? I know a lot of you cunts right now. You're enjoying this. because I've sounded like I've walled myself off and there's authorities outside my house right now. I understand that.

I understand on some level how crazy I sound. It took me about 17 minutes to fucking realize it that this was a little fucking nuts. Isn't that amazing? Being a comedian, how you can feel time. I just looked down. It was 18 minutes, 19 seconds. Anyways, after a while,

you can feel the club owner staring at you. Like if he burns his fucking line, I'm going to end his career and he's going back to his fucking day job. You can feel it. Yeah, I think they're just going to build all of these fucking things. And there's not going to be enough people that can afford to live in them. The whole fucking thing's going to crash. And this is what I love.

It's all our money. These banker cunts are doing it again. They did it 10 years ago. It collapsed with the fucking houses. And now they're doing it with these goddamn buildings. And once again, it's our money. And once again, they'll say we're too big to fail. And once again, they'll write themselves bonuses.

And they will just leave nameless and faceless. And then Steve Carell is going to have to start another fucking movie called What's the Deal with Bankers Part 2? Right? And do you think that fat-ass fucking senator eating that sandwich with that fucking pretzel roll pushing his slacks down to just above his pubic line is going to fucking do anything about it? I don't think he is. There you go, buddy. There's a fucking 19 minute fucking swirl of horse shit for you. I had one of the best shows of my career.

I'm not going to lie to you last night. I had so much goddamn fun. At what used to be, I got to get the name of this casino, correct. All right. It used to be the Monte Carlo. And then the MGM bought it. Let's see, a casino. Now it's called the MGM something or other.

Fuck you. Fuck you. Where the hell is it? I am not going to be able to find it. Monarchar's a casino. I'm an idiot. I got to write Las Vegas. Okay.

All right. Hang on a second. Las Vegas. Las Vegas. Fuck a Nevada. The Park MGM is what it's called now. The Monte Carlo is now called the Park MGM. And I performed there with Joe Bartnick, Rose Bowl tailgate legend, Joe Bartnick.

We had a great time. And it was all these awesome, amazing comics were in town. Todd Rex, the beige bandito, as he calls me, calls himself. We still got to do that tour at some point. The beige bandito and the freckled fucko right again. We had the whole tour poster. We had the whole thing mapped out. Just haven't gotten around to it yet.

Anyways, one of the hardest people I've ever had to follow. in the business. He swung by. Ron White was in town. Dice Clay was in town. Yeah, it was pretty fucking awesome. So anyways, I went there with my laugh. My mother-in-law came along.

And for the first time, we actually had our daughter staying with a godmother. That was a little nerve wrap. But, you know, we were only gone for a day and came back. I basically didn't see her for maybe like 30 hours. And it was awesome. It was all great to see her, you know, dropped her off. And I read her like friggin, like nine books. That's my thing.

You know what's funny? Like this is how much, like, technology is just all over everything. Like, she was grabbing all these books. and I go, let's, let's, let's, let's read a quiet book. And it just struck me. It's so funny. Because, like, all the other ones have, like, sound effects and, you know, the farmer. He looked over and he saw A, and you press the button, it's like,

you got to go rooster. And then he saw his, man, it's just like, I can't fucking do that. I don't know. Maybe, you know what it is? These book people, I think they're feeling the pressure of iPad. not the authors, probably the people that make books. They're like, we're doing what we can. We're putting books on Kindle, but we're losing the children.

Okay, is there a way that when they read, I don't know, Moby Dick is their way, can there be, like they turn the page and water squirts at them? Like everything is going to turn into like a fucking IMEX movie. I really try to limit the amount of time. My kid watches TV, but she loves the puppy dog pals. And every time, you know, she knows like her schedule. Like we let her watch it in the morning. She watches puppy dog pals.

Maybe a little bit of Disney shit. Mickey and Minnie Mouse and Vampirina. Right? And then this is this fancy Nancy thing. I don't know how I feel about that show. You know, she's just really into fucking clothes and shoes and shit. And she's always trying to be the cool kid, but she's not. And then she thinks if she fucking buys some shit or has some shit made or she has the best fucking tree for it.

It's just like, what the fuck am I watching? So I finally said to Nia, I go, you know, I don't know if I like this chick. And, you know, this is why I love my wife. She's like, yeah, you know, I don't know if I like her. I don't know if I like her either. You know, she already said about another like show. She goes, I don't like this show. I was like, what's wrong with it?

You don't like the characters? She goes, no, they always kind of lie and do shifty shit to get what they want. And I was like, wow, she's watching this on a whole other level. She's watching it as a parent. So I started watching them like that. Oh, shut up, Bill. You watch Fancy Nancy, and what you saw was an eight-year-old who in the future looks like she's going to marry a guy because of how much money he makes. That's what you saw, okay?

It has to do with your issues with women. That's why you don't like the show. Right. See that? I don't need to go to therapy. I can get down to my own fucking issues myself. So anyways, I went on this helicopter ride today up to the Zion National Park. And the shit that I saw, I saw this thing called the Monkey Mesa. And it's a set of railroad tracks that goes, it has to go for like, it looks like for like three quarters of a mile. We flew right over the fucking thing. And when it gets, and it goes right to the edge of a cliff and just. stops. And back in the day when NASA was testing out parachutes and shit like that, they'd put a

fucking monkey on the thing. They'd send it down the track and they'd shoot this poor fucking monkey off the goddamn cliff. If it lived the next day, you know, like Chuck Yeager was like, did the monkey live? All right, I'll fucking give it a shot. Let's the balls those guys had. But, you know, what about the monkey? Is it any wonder, you know, someday they're going to learn how to talk and try to take us over. I mean, what the fuck? We fucking deserve it. Probably you don't even give it a flight suit or a cool nickname, like Maverick.

They just fucking throw it in there. Give it half a banana. Think about how fast a monkey moves on its own. Now all of a sudden it's getting launched. Fuck, I think goes to space. You know, they can do that shit now. They look at these ex football players and they look at like the damage

they've done to the brains, the CTE. I want if they can see, and I know that they can look at your brain and see what stress does. I can't imagine when a monkey comes back from fucking space. You know? That fucking thing has got to be just looking around. Like, dude, what the fuck? What the fuck was that?

You just fuck that monkey over for the rest of it. It can't relate to anybody. You think, you know, the astronauts, they had enough of a fucking problem where after they went out there, the only other people they could talk to was other astronauts. of what they saw, where they went, what the fuck they did, how scared they were, how exhilarating it was, how much more they believed in a fucking higher power, that level of them experience. And then they come back and they try to hang out with other human beings who are all excited, go,

hey, did you see the new Starbucks that building? That's going to be a really nice one. You know, and then as you're sitting there, you orbited the fucking Earth and you've got to try to, how to enter the orbit of that fucking car. conversation without your brain catching on fire, man. It's fucking unreal. You know, if you're sitting there going, what the fuck is this guy talking about? I don't even know what I'm talking about either, right? So go fuck yourself. Anyways, so we went and flew into Zion National Park. We actually set it down before we got into the park. We were trying to find a place to fucking land. I wanted to stretch my legs. And that's

one of the great things about flying a helicopter is you really, you're really. You're really flying as far as how close you can fly to shit if you just want to set down somewhere you know we were so fucking hot we were actually looking at this lake going you want to set down and just fucking i was like dude if i had if i had packed a bathing suit i would fucking jump in that thing right now in the middle of fucking nowhere and then he could do you know but i actually wouldn't do because i'd be too afraid of bear would come out of nowhere fucking mountain line or some shit you know but we flew over Lake Mead, who you always heard like back in the day the, all the gangsters, you know, that all the people that the mob would whack that they'd dump them out there. So I read up a little bit on that. I don't know. It's basically the water that got backed up when they made the Hoover Dam, which I was not aware of.

Because I was thinking, like, how do fuck does this lake exist out here? Oh, that's right. Once again, we fucked with nature. and, you know, as I sit there flying a helicopter over, blasting unleaded fuel into the atmosphere, becoming part of the problem. I'm not pointing any fingers, people, okay? I'm as big a problem as anybody else, right? So that lake is like on either side of this mountain, and in the middle there's like a little valley that this water goes through. And we fucking went down and flew right up the thing, okay? like some magnum PI shit over people on jet skis and boats. It was incredible.

It was fucking incredible. One of the coolest things I've done since I've been in the helicopter. And then we flew up to Zion National Park and just saw like, you know, those things they'd sell you if you were a tourist during the summertime. If you're in summertime camp or they'd have all the different colors, sand and stuff. They'd put it in a bottle. Then your older brother would come up and shake it up and you'd start crying. It'd be like, Mom, he shook it up.

but she was working two jobs so she was too tired to do anything about it said work it out amongst yourselves um yeah like these these cliffs looked like that just these crazy unbelievable colors unfortunately there was a fire

so there was a lot of smoke and shit like just a lot of haze and stuff so it wasn't as vivid but still it was one of the most incredible things I've seen but it was hot as shit man I add on these these Adidas that were all black in my feet. I had to keep, you know, like once every like 40 minutes, you know, I had to give controls back to my instructor so I could like move my feet to a shaded area underneath the GPS system where I could have my fucking feet cool off. I guess that's why, you know, over in the Persian Gulf, Army boots aren't black anymore because your feet get too hot.

That's why they're, they're sort of the color of Pete Carroll's pants. Isn't that interesting? All right. You know, it's even more interesting than any of that bullshit I was just talking is, um, is listening to me read out loud, which now you're going to have to suffer through. All right, everybody. You deserve it after listening to my fucking end of days rambling there. I was going Alex Jones on you, wasn't I? All right.

Okay. Jane Fonda myth. I knew everybody's going to. The guy, he never got fucking, he never got fucking tortured. All right. Just a note, I love your work, really pleased you exist on the planet. I'm no historian, but some comments that Tom Rhodes made on your recent podcast about Jane Fonda didn't sound realistic to me, so I looked it up. Turns out they would not.

Maybe you can correct Tom so he doesn't continue to perpetuate this myth. Listen, I've known Tom too long to try to correct him. I'm sure Jane Fonda had her faults, but my guess is she tried her best to be a good person and to fight for peace on her planet. Who wrote this? Jane Fonda might be she is as heroic in her own way as some as those on the... Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus Christ. On the battlefield.

Oh, yeah, a starlet going to the enemy, you know, as opposed to some guy who's fucking poor, so he has to go to the front fucking lines. Yeah, maybe they're both. Yeah, it's heroic. Yeah, I can see that. You know what I mean? Like me doing this podcast. I think in a lot of ways, I'm sort of like a Navy seal. You know?

Sir, I understand what you're saying. I am a pacifist, too. I really do not. I don't understand why war is legal. Okay? And I just think it's the temper tantrum of rich people. is all the war is. Okay?

I'm not saying there's not crazy psycho fucking people that get in power and need to be stopped. There's also that. Okay. But a lot of times

it's just a fucking land grab or you're going after some sort of natural resource. Okay. I don't want to tell you. All right.

But having said that, all right? You know, once the troops are on the ground, if you want to fucking bitch about it, go to your politician.

All right? Go file for a permit. to protest 90 miles away from where any media coverage is. That's the way it's done. What you don't do is go to Saddam Hussein's house and have the guy cook your fucking meal, you know, while all his servants are quivering. You go, hey, you know, he's not even that bad of a fucking guy. You know?

Or maybe you do. But at no point do you feel as fucking heroic as some poor fucking bastard, all right? Trying to piss on top of a fucking scorpion. Why not get his head blown off? I think once you're wearing leg warmers, though I don't think you're a hero anymore. All right. Met a girlfriend on Tinder. Dear Billy Balloon Tits, I'll have you guys fucking know.

I'm in the best goddamn fucking shape I've been in in a sense. I don't know how long, all right? I'm getting my abs back. Okay? I'm getting a little sick of the body shaming here on the Monday morning podcast. I go out of my way to not research on Jane Fonda. would think that you guys would do a little more research on what I'm looking like lately. All right, the last three weeks.

Okay. Listen to your last podcast and heard all the ladies. Trashing dating sites and Tinder. Well, I may be a dude, but I wanted to offer my take on the matter. I have never gotten so much fucking pussy in my life. I'm kidding. He didn't say that. All right.

Since it's not all serial killers and fuck boy weirdos on this site, on the these sites. Fuck boy weirdos is, I don't know, that's got to be the name of like a punk band or something. First off, let's make one thing clear. There are shitty women on these sites too. Oh, thank you. God bless you. Got to love somebody that tries to balance it out here. I know guys get and probably deserve most of the heat, but girls catfish guys all the time in these sites. Plus, there are the girls on these sites who only want attention slash money and have no intention of actually going out and meeting new people. Second, I met my girlfriend of almost a year on Tinder and we couldn't be happier. We were initially embarrassed to admit to our friends and family that

we met this way, but afterwards, I had several people talk about how they had success relationships blossom from these sites. My cousin met her husband and father of her child on Christian mingle.com. No joke. Jesus Christ. You know, you think the Christians could come up with a better fucking name. Christian mingle. That sounds too much like dingle and you just picture a priest playing with some fucking poor kid's balls. I don't know, Bill. It was just Catholic Church.

It wasn't all the other Christianity. Was it? Oh, yeah, you're probably right. Anyways. And I learned that my two friends met on Bumble after we told them we met on Tinder. Yeah, well, that's all, everybody's on their fucking phones anyways. You go to a nightclub and people are on their phone. all right you want to meet her you got to get in the phone you can't be standing there

being an actual person i think it freaks these millennials out third tinder is a great way to cut through all the bullshit of blind dating or hitting on chicks who you have nothing in common with at meat market bars dating sites are also great if you're single in a new city without many friends to go out with like i was in conclusion people should stop all the hate on dating sites just because their relationship failed or because they never tried it. Love you and your comedy bill. Come back to Philly and go fuck yourself. All right.

Thank you, sir. Well, there you go. I mean, I think we shit on these fucking sites enough. It was nice to hear, you know, that was a point and then a little bit of counterpoint. All right. Isis. Bicycling. Hey, uh, baby, Billy white tits.

All right, I'll take that. Have you heard of the story of the couple that? went bicycling in Tez-Chikistan. They tried to prove that people were actually good at heart and ended up getting stabbed to death. What the fuck? If you haven't heard of it yet, I'll attach an article for you

if you want to try to read it. Thanks for all the laughs during the podcast and go fuck yourself. All right. I don't understand what, you know. Oh my God. Is this real? It's on people.

People.com. It looks like the People magazine logo, but God knows the internet. You could just curate that and use it for yourself. American couple who spent life savings to bike around the world killed in ISIS claimed attack. I'm not going to say these poor people's names. We're living out their dream of traveling the world bicycling. Tragically, while outdoing what they love. with five other cyclists, their quest was cut short when they were run over and stabbed to death by armed men in Tajikistan on Sunday.

Let's see here. The woman's parents confirmed in a statement to CBS news that the couple who were both 29 were killed in the attack. ISIS claimed responsibility for the attack. Two other tourists, Dutch and Swiss National, were killed while three riders survived NPR, reports. These two people started their journey in 2017. They first biked through Africa, Europe, and Central Asia before finding themselves in Tajikistan, using all of their life savings to fund their trip. The couple also documented their travels on the blog, simply cycling. The year-long bicycling adventure with the woman and her partner were enjoying was typical of their

enthusiasm blah blah blah blah okay well where does it say that they thought the world was nice i don't get this anyway okay here's a quote you watch the news and you read the papers and you led to believe that the world is a big scary place uh people the narrative goes are not to be trusted people are bad people are evil people are acts murderers and monsters and worse he wrote badness exists sure but even that's quite rare by and large humans are kind this is still true how many people did they bicycle passed before one cunt in a car ended their fucking life. Lives. Self-interest.

Interested sometimes, myopic sometimes, but kind. Generous and wonderful and kind. No greater revelation has come from our journey than this. Yeah, that's true. That is true. And they got killed because, you know, basically of our foreign fucking policy, you know, there's a lot of people out there that don't like

fucking Americans. And there's a lot of evil fucking twisted people out there. What those people were that killed those other people who the fuck knows um you know yeah there's you know there's how you wish the world was and the way it really is and you have to act accordingly all right and you have to know when you're doing something like that that there is that chance that that could fucking happen uh yeah there's you know yeah most people i've always said that just walking around they try to get a sandwich they're trying to find love you know and we sit down and you watch tv you watch tv you watch

the news, you get all fucking hysterical. But to make no mistake, there are some really fucked up people out there. And some of them are in this country and some of them are not. But they're out there. That's too bad. Sounded like they almost made it around the world. Or at least that side of the world, right? I don't know.

All right, boyfriend is fucking up big time. Okay. Hey, Bill, lady listener here. I love when the ladies write in. Desperate for some relationship help, so I'm getting straight to the point. My boyfriend is about to lose me, and I'm desperate to get through to him. We are 30. Been together two years.

Both want to eventually marry each other, have babies together, etc. The issue we need to help with is his ex-girlfriend. They dated for three years, broke up, then remained extremely close friends. Yeah, that's fucking bullshit. They had been broken up for a little over a year when I initially came into the picture. My boyfriend told me about her, but originally told me they were friends and completely failed to mention that they were once a couple. All right. Okay.

And you were 28 at the time, so I'll forgive you. All right, but now you're 30. And you've got to read the tea leaves here. I don't need to read the rest of this. I actually, but I will. I actually found out from her because she saw us flirting on Instagram and then message me. She's a nice enough woman who now lives with her boyfriend of the last two years. I've met her several times.

And while I didn't particularly love the way she looks at my man, I'm not going to be a bitch about it either. Oh, you are not being a bitch on any level. What you are being is too fucking accommodating. She and I used to text quite a bit quite often. Oh, God. She's probably milking you for information. But that has come to an abrupt stop

because I've become fed up with how close she and my boyfriend still are. Are you going to tell me at night you're sitting there watching TV with him and she calls and then he talks to her for like 20, 30, 40 minutes. In the beginning of our relationship, they would hang out constantly. They lived in California and lived in Colorado. And I lived in Colorado. So my boyfriend and I were in a long-distance relationship for over a year until he recently moved to Colorado, started life with me.

When he was still living in California, he and his ex would go out to eat, go shopping, go to concerts, or even go on road tips together. Now, what are the odds that they weren't still fucking at that point? they had a shared hobby of photography so they would often take photos of each other as well yes this became an issue a huge issue i would i would say things like i get that you guys are friends but i feel like you are going on a date like things with her when you are dating me and he would always reply with i wish i could take you but i can't because of the distance so am i supposed to never go out and do anything oh my god fuck this guy

And he would guilt me and then manipulate the situation until I essentially had to be okay with it. Yeah, okay. You know, I got to be honest with you. This is you. This isn't him. He's a cunt, but I mean, you got to fucking, come on. Maybe the fact that I'm reading your own words out loud right now, you can see how obvious this is. Yeah, fuck this guy.

Fast forward to now. Obviously, they don't hang out like they used to due to him moving in Colorado, but they still text all the time. I've talked to my boyfriend about this and how it bothers. me, I say, look, I know you and whoever were very close. She's a good person. So are you. I know you guys have a lot of history. And I know that I knew about her from the beginning of our relationship. Yeah, but he wasn't honest with you about it. Did you ever ask him that? How come he didn't say you fucking used to date this person? You shifty cunt. However, what I didn't realize is how close you two would remain. Maybe I'm naive, but I thought that naturally, as you and I grew closer, you and so and so would grow more distant and you would focus only on our relationship. Bill, and in my eyes, I'm pretty cool girlfriend for knowing that my man and his ex are close friends, but they are pushing the inappropriate boundaries here. The boundaries have been obliterated, sweetheart. There's no reason two exes would be constantly texting unless they still love each other or they want to fuck. There you go.

There you go. I'm glad you said that. When I tell him I'm not cool with him living with me. What? Wait, when I tell him I'm not cool with him living with me, but always texting her, his response is, you knew about her from the beginning. She was there for me when my grandpa died. And I know we've had sexed and been in love, but I swear I see her as nothing but a friend now. Dude, fuck this limp dick fucking, this guy's annoying. But we fight all the time because I feel like I'm in some fucked up triangle.

That's because you are. Not to mention, she's way too nosy for my comfort level. She will text me, when are you guys going to have babies? And other shit. Oh, Jesus. Another shit that doesn't involve her. When I tell him this, he automatically defends her and says, she's not nosy.

She's nice. Oh, Jesus Christ. Why don't you nice, you fucking hairy ass back to California? All right, get the fuck. Yeah, fuck get fuck this guy. This still goes on. How long is this fucking thing? Jesus Christ.

Anyways, he's been in Colorado for a few months now and misses family. So he plans on making a quick weekend trip back to California. I asked him, are you going to focus on family? And lo and behold, he says, well, I'm going to see so-and-so while I'm out there. So without freaking out, I tell him, okay, I get it. You want to see her and catch up. But in my eyes, there's absolutely no reason you guys need to be. alone. So please arrange something with a group with her, or with her boyfriend there as well.

He proceeds to tell me how controlling I am. I told him it's not about control. It's about respecting your partner. I sure as hell would never expect him to be cool with me going out one-on-one with an ex. After days and days of fighting, he told me, exact quote here, out of respect for you, I'll try to make sure it's not me and her alone. But if it happens, you can't be mad. I love this man. Why? Can I ask you? Why?

He's a good soul, but this is straight bullshit, right? No, it is a mountain on top of a bottomless pile of bullshit. Tell me I'm not the only one who feels exes have no place in our relationship. He's an avid listener, and I honestly think he would listen to you. Please tell me, don't have him listen to this shit. Please tell him he's fucking this up big time. Maybe I'm in the wrong. My heart is telling me I shouldn't have to put up with this shit.

But call it as you see it. Thanks. Yeah, dump this guy. Dump this guy. Yesterday. Yeah. Fuck it. I think he's still fucking her.

I wouldn't put my life savings on it, but if they said you had to put 80% of your money one way or the other, they're still banging. Give me a fucking break. Give me, yeah. Remember that fucking. joking good fellas? What am I going to say that my wife two times me? It sounds better in Italian. What does it mean? It means he's content to be a jerk. Like, you're that person in that street joke, all right? And you are way too big a fucking sweetheart. And you're not an asshole. I don't know what to tell you other than get the fuck out of that yesterday. Yeah, spend some

alone time with her. Get back together with her. Get the fuck. out of here. I'd rather be with somebody that wants to be with me. How to fuck? Somebody sitting there texting their ex all the time and you bring it up and you're controlling. Yeah. Yeah. If you stay in that situation, you have no one to blame but yourself. Okay? Like, yeah, I don't know. If I had any more hair on top of my head, I would have pulled it out during that fucking thing. Granted. There's no even granite in it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Let me just read these fucking advertising and try to forget that fucking situation.

All right. There we go. We got a minute left on the podcast. I want to thank everybody that came out to the Park MGM show last night. I'd like to thank everybody at the casino for treat me like a million bucks. I had such a good time. It was one of the great shows. my career. I just, I don't know, just locked in with the crowd. We had an awesome time. And, yeah, that's it. I think I'm out in Maryland or some shit just outside of D.C. this weekend. And I'm looking forward to it. I'm tightening up my hour. It's a bloated 90 minutes right now. I'm going to get it down to about an hour and 15. And I get this fucker down and then I'm going to shoot it at some point early next year.

and I'll put another one to bed. But I got to be honest with you, you know, it was pretty humbling experience. You know, when you go to Las Vegas and you get the headline out there and you see all the great names on the strip that I mentioned, you know, early in the podcast. And to get to headline a place like that and have all those people come out was fucking amazing. and I was very psyched that I was in the moment and realized it. Like, this is unbelievable.

This really is unbelievable. So I went all out. I wore the white suit. You know, I break out the white suit on the special events. New Year's headline in Vegas. I wore it at one of the rough and rowdy events. And a good friend of mine, Frankie Perez, actually came. out to the show. One of the great singers I've ever heard, you got to see that guy live.

He's such a fucking frontman. He's such a talented fucking guy. And he told me afterwards that he loved the suit. So I figured, you know, is someone who's got the swagger to be the front man of a fucking badass rock band like the suit, I must have been doing something right. So once again, thank you to every, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you to everybody that's been coming out on this tour and coming out over the years. It's incredible. privilege to do what I do for a living. So thank you very much. And with that, go fuck yourselves. And I will talk to you on, uh, check in on you on Thursday.