Monday Morning Podcast - Being Sick, Why A.I.?, H.O.A. | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-12-26

Episode Date: March 12, 2026

Bill rambles about being sick, Why A.I.?, and H.O.A.’s. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (39:42) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 3-12-18- Bill rambles about nuclear proliferation, two team cities and eating meat. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Elvis Presley - Frankfort Special  Quo: Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to http://www.Quo.com/BURR  Hims:  To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Weight Loss, and more, visit http://www.Hims.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you, woo. Oh, Billy fucking virus. I don't know what the hell, whatever this fucking three-week cold thing is. I'm finally getting past it. Now I know what it's like to be, like, you know, those people just walk around, they have allergies all the fucking time.

Like, they can catch a cold and just also have like, allergies or whatever. It's a fucking nightmare. Three weeks of this shit. Oh, geez. I didn't know what I was going to do. And then to add to it,

I don't know when the fuck it was. A couple days ago, I got like mild food poisoning. You know what I mean? Like an appetizer worth of food poisoning. I had a tuna fish sandwich. Oh, Jesus. And I ate that thing.

as you do. I had some chips with it. I was all happy about it. And I was like, ah, you know, I got that little nub. Am I going to go smoke that little... Ah, whatever. Fuck it.

I'll do it. So I go out on my back porch. I sit down. I was like, I had a cup of coffee. A little cigar. I was ready to go. And I was just like, yeah, I don't feel so good.

You just wait a second here. And I had taken my little fucking vitamins and stuff. Did I take the vitamins on an empty stomach? Is that what it's doing? And then it's just like, no, I don't think that's what it is. So I was like, I gotta go back inside. So go back inside.

Upside is I didn't smoke the cigar. Or drink the coffee. I just said, fuck everything. And I went inside and then I was like, you know what it's like it's gradually coming on? So you start by just sitting down. Then after sitting down, sitting down doesn't work. Then you start changing plans.

I was going to do this. I was going to do that. I can't make it, right? So I was supposed to do flappers. My apologies to everybody. Monday night, I was supposed to go to flappers. All right, hang on a second. All right, sorry, I had to clear my throat.

See, you have to listen to that shit, the whole podcast. Yeah, so it's like, fuck, I got to do flappers tonight. You know, I got to get my, this. I get my shit together here. So I go upstairs and I fucking lay down. And then I just pass out. And for like, fucking, I don't know, two hours. I have weird-ass dreams.

And then I wake up and I feel like I fucking ate a boot or something. And I was like, oh, my God, this is fucking horrible. I can still do the show. I can still do the show, right? And then I got all achy. And I was like, what the fuck? Then I thought it was this fucking three-week thing. It's like I was coming out of this.

How was it getting worse? So then my fucking legs were achy. And then I said, fuck it. I'm taking an Ebs and Salt Bath. Maybe that'll, I don't know what. Make my legs not ache, but I got like a stomachache. I don't want to get in that fucking hot water. Jesus Christ, people, I was just throwing shit against the wall at that point.

And then I get in the tub. I was in the tub for like five seconds. and then I just wretched and I said, oh, no. No! Oh, no! And then that was it. I got out of the tub and fucking, oh my God, just puked my brains out. And then immediately felt better. Immediately felt better. So I said, all right, that's what that was. But by then I was fucked.

And I've been coming out of it. the last couple of days. So, uh, I'm still feeling a little queasy. I'm not going to lie to that. That's why I'm queasy. Why,

da, da, da, I'm queasy after tuna sandwich. How many fucking times? I always feel like if you get fucking food poisoning, it's always tuna. Everybody fucking loves tuna, but I just, I don't know.

I'm not a big fan of tuna fish, unless it's cold. Like a fucking tuna melt is one of the, worst sandwiches I've ever had in my life. There is just like warm tuna. I mean, that's enough to make me fucking, I don't want to be gross here. It's fucking disgusting. That and Kentucky fried chicken, both of those things can go fuck themselves if they're hot. But cold, forget about it. Cold Kentucky fried chicken, I'll eat a whole fucking bucket. I'm fine. If I eat that shit when it's hot, I don't know what's going on with the grease over there at KFC.

I really hate how they're ashamed of what they're doing over there. KFC. Come on. Kentucky fried chicken. It just sounded. They gave it like status. KFC. Like some fucking bootleg mixed martial arts fucking league.

NBA, ABA, UFC, UFC, KFC. It's Kentucky fried chicken. Kentucky fried. I remember as a kid. I didn't know what Kentucky. It sounded cool to me. Kentucky fried chicken, God damn it. KFC.

You know, the older you get. Sears Roebuck just becomes Sears. Then it goes out of business. Kentucky Fried Chicken becomes KFC. Dunkin' Donuts is just Dunkin's now. Those are the things. They talk about getting older. the stuff that bugs you

that fucking makes you feel like you don't fit in the world anymore it's stupid shit like that then you just become that old man hey let's go to Dunkins and you're across the street going Donuts! It's Dunkin' Donuts! Then they come up to you, whoa, what are you talking about, mister? I was a kid that was called Dunkin' Donuts.

Wait, Duncan's used to make donuts? I thought it was just coffee. No! They had donuts. They did miles of them. All different flavors. They just totally abandoned that. That just reeks of a fucking CEO coming in trying to cut costs.

How much is, well, what's the profit on the coffee? You fucking motherfuckers. I went to the. original Dunkin' Donuts in Quincy Mask, Quincy, Quincy. And I went in there, and they had, like, a fucking, what do they call that? When they bring in like, you know, half the staff. Not a ghost staff, a shadow staff, a fucking, that's just what they have with the donuts. Fucking trying to spread them out.

What happened to that guy? The bald guy with the mustache. trying to make the donuts and he'd get up and he fucking make the goddamn donuts. I'll tell you what was amazing is people ate those donuts and as fat as they were, they were like medium fat. They weren't like this fucking hippo fat, big game. Big game. You know, that used to be a thing when I was a kid. Hunters would go over to Africa.

Big game hunting. They go over there and shoot lions and fucking elephants and shit like that. you know they came back and they'd fucking brag about it and they'd have the heads hanging on the wall and all of that shit

I don't know what happened then all of a sudden people got as big as those animals over there it's a long flight you know hunger games comes out gives you some fucking ideas did I just stumble on

a new conspiracy theory are the super rich hunting the super fat and then do they put their big heads their big fat heads on the fucking wall, you know, only for it to be exposed later and then redacted and then we bomb a country. You know, is that going to happen? Dude, that's when you know.

That's when you know you have fucking made it in the power game. In my game, you know, the stand-up or whatever, you know it when you start selling out comedy clubs. I know all the kids now, they want to do theaters and fucking arenas. That shit didn't even exist when I was. It was a comedy club. You sold out of comedy club. You made it. If you could go around the country and sell out comedy clubs, wherever you went.

I mean, that was like fucking amazing. And then I don't know. What the fuck was my point? I was talking about hunting. Okay, so being like a power person. That's a whole different game. This is when you know you made it in the power world. And I don't give a fuck.

Which tree you climbed up. the red one or the blue one. It all ends in the same place. Sociopaths, fucking narcissists and pedophiles. You know when you made it to the top, when some shit that you did is coming out and the only way to get out of it, your own country will go to war to protect you.

That's when you're like, dude, I have got some motherfucking juice. Sir, we're going to prosecute you. You're going to prosecute you for X, Y, and Z. it's probably not a good idea. If you try to do that, we're going to bomb a fuck. A lot of people are going to die if you try to get me.

And I got to tell you, like, that's a bad message to send. The same way I feel like young comics today aspire to do arenas, you know, I don't think that's a bad thing. To people in the power game be like, I want to get so powerful that when I create something that poisons half of my own countrymen and that information is coming out,

my own country will then bomb another country to keep me fucking out of the news. I mean, that's fucking amazing. That is like, I saw this thing that this person was talking about the other day. It was like deep, but it was fucking scary. It was talking about how power is in so few people's hands and they've like transcended to the point where

you know whatever you want to run this amount of people you want to run that you want to run a country you want to run the planet now now they want to be God and they want to like that's what these fucking robots are about that they just want to have like you know because we're fucking annoying

with our needs and our rights you know and our opinions that's all Like when you get to that level of money and like power where your buddy has an island and you're doing God knows what on it. Like the second somebody just fucking looks at you and after I don't know what. After you go to one of those Bilderberg meetings and then somebody comes and has a difference of opinion, it's like offensive to you.

It's like they farted in an elevator. Like what the what the fuck is that? Get rid of that. I don't want to deal with that fucking thing. It's really amazing. I'm kind of excited, like, you know, after this shit, when you die. Like, I hope there's something after this that just explains what all of this was. I don't need to fucking go to some fucking spa for the rest of my life.

What are that stupid afterlife, heaven and hell and all of that? Just, you know, just give me... Just explain what the fuck that was. That's why I love that kid. Have you seen that that pet smart thing that that kid did? Which, by the way, it's like such that that fucking guitar riff and the drums. I mean, it's, it fucking rocks. That that kid who goes, is it pets smart or is it pet smart?

Are you saying that pets are smart? Are you saying you're a march for pets? I need answers. Which one is it? And it can't be. Like I feel like that song, those lyrics transcend what the fuck he's talking about. You could say that about everything from Epstein Island to the PetSmart to turning your own food supply into poison. I need answers.

Which one is? Why would you do that? I would say, why would you do that? Like, that's my whole look at like this fucking AI. It's like, why are you doing this? Nobody is asking for this. Why are there self-driving cars? Nobody asks for those things.

Nobody wants any of this shit. Like, just go to those fucking nerds in Silicon. Silicon, right? I kept calling Silicon. Silicon leads to silicone. After you make your billion dollars as a nerd, you marry a ho there. Not saying everyone with fake tits is a whore.

Do you think women who want bigger boobs resent fat guys that have bigger tits than they do? Like it's kind of weird that like If men eat we can get bigger tits than women And women want big tits But if they eat they become like they get a big ass Like why why wouldn't it just go to their tits Another one

I need answers Like this is the shit These are the questions answer my question John McEnroe The question Jerk I love me when he called them a jerk because you know he wanted to

call him a motherfucker but he's like all right this is still tennis this is on television I gotta be careful here I'm doing my first road dates this week man and I'm going to fucking Texas baby big as goddamn fucking state down here in the lower 48 I'm going out there I'm going to Houston Texas

smart move I'm going there in March before it gets super hot great food great people then I'm going to dirty-ass fucking Austin, Texas. I'm, you know, whenever I picture Austin, Texas, I always picture a white dread playing hockey sack. That's what the fuck it was when I first used to go there. It was a dirty, dirty-ass city.

It was weird. It was a college town, you know, but it was a fucking dirty-ass city. There was a lot of fucking dirty fucking people just walking down the fucking street. You know, definitely had the anarchy vibe. A lot of outdoor people. But it was always a fun town. Good barbecue down there too. So I'm looking forward to both of those.

I'm doing that South by Southwest thing out there. And yeah. And then I got Utah, and then I got North Kakalaki. After that, I think, going to a couple of Bruins games, which should be fun. My Bruins won the other night. Both goals scored by defensemen. Who was it? It was Mason?

No. Yeah, Mason, Laura, I got the first one. And then they fucking tied it up. And then we won an overtime. the three-on-three with David Posternock anticipating. Was it Castellick who got the puck? I don't know. Passed it up to him,

and then he passed it to a streaking Charlie McAvoy for the goal. I don't know. We've been like win some, lose some. We win, we lose, we win, we lose ever since the Olympic break. So still definitely a fun team to watch. How about the other day, the Thursday afternoon? Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. How about that fucking Rick Middleton,

Nifty, the great Rick Middleton, number 16, for the Boston Bruins. He was, that guy, you should watch a highlight reel of that guy. That guy's goals were absolutely gorgeous. And he played in the 1980s, which I would say was the second golden age in hockey, because I'm sure hockey purists would talk about. those years went every other year, Montreal or Toronto would win it up until 67. And then I don't know what happened in the Maple Leafs. I don't know what the fuck happened.

But it's insane. Anyway, the 1980s was the perfect balance of finesse players and enforcers. The size of the players and then the pads that they wore were were still those, you know, they weren't made out of that hard plastic. So he can only hit people so fucking hard. That's why in the 90s, when the equipment improved and they were still playing by the old school rules, guys' careers would get ended when they were like following through on a shot

in a certain someone, that was his move. He would wait for you to follow through with his shot. He would come by and clip you right in the jaw with your shoulder and you would fucking helicopter around. And it was like getting hit by a fucking bus. But anyway. All right. With that, let's fucking get into the advertising fleet.

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There, I read it verbatim. Are you happy? Fucking in all capitals. Fucking yelling at me in the copy. What did I ever do to you, Quo? Why don't you fucking relax? Let's fucking quo. Relax.

You fucking nerds. A bunch of fucking nerds came up with this. Stop, just fucking relax. In fact, all nerds. Fucking relax. Learn how to talk to other people. Stop building fucking robots. All right?

Learn how to talk to a human being. Just because you don't know how to talk to a human being doesn't mean you have to have to. to replace them. The rest of us like human beings. And by the way, you are a human being, you dumb fuck. Go watch Frankenstein.

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So, uh, I don't know. I don't know. I was doing well, too. I was going to the fucking gym. Everything was going well. And then just something always just comes along and kicks you in the balls. That's another question I would ask. Like, why does that always happen?

That would be funny to ask God just questions like that. He's looking at you like, don't you want to know, like, how it all started and the meaning of life and all that? No, I want to know why the, fuck, you know, if I went to the gym, like two, three fucking weeks all of a sudden, then I would get, like, sick or like, you know, I'd hurt myself. Like, how come that always happened? Why does that always happen? Like, past a certain age. It was almost like life won't let you get in shape.

Past a certain age. You're like, no, fuck you. Fuck you, okay? You've lived long enough. You've procreated. And we are phasing you out. You are the older model. You will not be going to a Meekam auction. I bet in the future, though, in the future, when these fucking nerds and these billionaires do away with all of us, which is clearly what they're on their way to doing is getting rid of the middle class and there's going to be, you know, one percenters and everybody else can go fuck themselves. And they're totally going to get away with it because people are going to continue to be racist and homophobic and nationalist,

just every fucking thing that plays into their hands. I mean, I don't think it is in any way, shape, or form a surprise that the disparity in wealth right now, and all of the crazy shit that is happening, is on 10, and so is racism and nationalism, homophobia, and all of that. Because those are the tools that they use when they're about to go do some fucked up shit. that's just my opinion. What the, what?

Hey, hey, what do I know? Huh? Well, you know what? I'm just a guy sitting in some sweatpants who puked his guts out fucking two days ago and is trying to figure out what the hell I can eat. That's, you know, that's all I'm doing. Anyways, I started watching an amazing movie on the Criterion Collection. It's a three-hour movie and I got kids, so it's difficult to, I got to finish watching.

It was called like Drive My Car or something. I got to get, I think it's a Japanese, Japanese movie. And I'm about an hour and 15 minutes in it. I can't into it. I can't stop thinking about the movie wondering how it's going to end it. So that's what the fuck I'm doing tonight. I'm going to watch the rest of that goddamn movie. And then I'm going to take my ass out to Texas.

I remember how excited I was the first time I went to Texas. I was like something as a kid you wanted to go to Texas because you thought everyone was going to be a cowboy riding horses and shit. And then you get there. It's a bunch of people dressed like cowboys riding around pickup trucks. And most of them live in like condos or have to deal with like an HOA.

You can't be a, call yourself a cowboy if you're dealing with the fucking HOA. You know? If you can't wear your fucking spurs around your goddamn property without some goddamn H-O-A person coming over telling you, you know, asking you about that hits you put on the back, you truck. I can't imagine, like, why people would ever get involved with an HOA. The one thing, you know, if you're lucky, you move into a neighborhood. There's a couple, two or three families that you vibe with. I'm not saying you don't like the other families.

It's just you don't have anything in common. You know, especially when you have kids. Like your kids got to be roughly the same age. So there's, you know, there's something to do there, right? And then there's all of the other, you know, there's philosophies, the way people raise their kids. Some people are hands-on, some people are hands-off. Some people are fucking lunatics.

So you've got to figure out, you know, You know, you got to figure out the spectrum that you fit into. Right? And then what's great is if you move into a neighborhood and there's no fucking HOA, then if you meet some people you don't want to deal with, you don't have to fucking deal with them. You get it to an HOA. It's like the biggest fucking cunt.

Not only do you have to deal with them, they tell you what to do. Start talking about your fence. I don't know. Look, most of what I learned about on HOA I saw on the Internet. So a lot of it is just the confrontations. But it always seems to be some broad coming up telling you what to do. Dude, it's fucked. It's really fucked up how so many people handled like a position of just a little bit of power.

Like if you ran an HOA, wouldn't you want to be fucking cool? Wouldn't you just, you know? Hey, you know, I'm not trying to be a dick, but you might want to just move that barbecue away from the, I mean, that's as hard as I would go. you always got to come up and be like I'm not trying to be an asshole, that fence we have a rule here. I know it sucks. I hate to be the guy to tell you this, but they can't go. They got to come in there with like

fucking, you know, like they got FBI written on the back of their jacket. Let me see your heads. That's their vibe. Fucking relax. Yeah, I was sick so's on the internet a lot, which is not a good place to be. I saw this video where these cops are pulling this guy

out of a car. He's going, I'm a parapher. I'm a paraplegic. You could hurt me. And they're going, stop! Stop! They're yelling at a paralyzed guy. Stop what? Telling you I'm a paraplegic? Just fucking, I don't know. That's another one. That's another question you want to know. Like, how the fuck does that happen? How does somebody say I'm a paraplegia? I mean, all right, maybe they're lying. Because anybody can say that. But once you see the fucking skinny legs, I mean, what are we doing here what are we doing here we'll be back after these messages

I'm not going to lie to you I can't remember who the fuck we played the Bruins we blew the game to the uh we beat the capitals then we blew the game to the penguins and then who the fuck did we beat the other night we beat him in overtime who were we playing

it wasn't the Rangers the islands the devils the fucking Sabers wasn't anybody from Canada do It wasn't Minnesota. Oh, the Kings. We played the fucking Kings. Wouldn't you know?

Oh, dude, how about fucking Copatar? That made me sad. I love that the Bruins all went out and shook his hand and everything. Fucking class act. What, he went? Two cups? 1,500 games. They did a whole thing about him.

They was saying the odds of playing in the NHL was something like one in a million. And then playing they just kept up being what it was playing 1500 games in the NHL for the same team was like one in 350 million and then to do that from whatever country he's from considering he's the only NHL player ever from his country they were like basically he is one of one oh that's what I was going to say in the future when when when these fucking lunatics phase out all human beings. Or they're just banging robots at that point.

Like, I think that they'll buy, like, in a Meekam auction, they'll be selling one of us for them to fuck, you know, just every once in a while. Like, you know, all the shit that we eat is processed and all of that crap. And every once in a while, somebody comes over with the tomato from their garden. You know, you're like, oh, my God. Is this what the world used to be? be, you know, I feel like they're going to do that with human beings. They'll have like all robots and then every once they'll just have like, oh, no, that was my theory. They would keep some of

us alive to keep reproducing so they could keep harvesting our organs, you know, so they could continue to live forever so they don't have to meet. See, that's amazing to me. That actually reminds me of this Mickey Rourke movie with Lisa Bonnet. What the, fuck was that movie called? I forget. It was a fucking good movie though. So basically the movie was this guy had sold his soul to the devil, this musician or something. And then he figured out a way how to get out of it. And what it was was he had to fucking eat the heart of a live person, like rip it out of chest and eat it. And then that person's soul would go into his. And that not only that, he wouldn't remember who he was. And then he wouldn't remember the contract. And then

he wouldn't have to go to hell. I swear to God. Like, that was, that was the thing. So I feel like with these super rich people, they're going to want to live forever. So they never have to face a God that's going to, like, God can't judge you until you die. So at that point, they got to be really worried about slipping and falling. But then here's the thing. Like you're not going to outdo God. All he has to do is be like, oh, okay, so you figured out how to air quote, live forever? Did you ever hear the dinosaurs?

You remember what happened to them? Well, guess what? You dropped two, World War II? I'm fucking going to take your fucking nod. and I'm dropping my second one and a fucking asteroid's going to come and take all those fuckers out and then what?

Because you basically, they're ruining if you're a religious person they're ruining God's work. But if you play by the numbers you look at these psychos and you realize they are part of God's work and then you got

you know, I need answers, right? Like, why would you make people like this? Like, everybody just needs to fucking relax and chill out and stop trying to take everything just for yourself. Everybody fucking relax. There's plenty of food, plenty of water, plenty of places to live. If everybody just, like, relax. It's all good. How are you doing?

You're good? I'm good. Everybody okay. Cool. I don't get the fucking manifested hysteria of this time. other than the fact that very few people are trying to take a lot. Anyway, and with that happy thought, I'll fucking see you in Houston. Anyway, that's the podcast.

Enjoy the music, picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themilis. And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And that's it. Have a great weekend, you've got. And I'll see you on Monday. special? I ain't this office.

Something special. Well, we heard rumors from the bases. Frankfurt girls got pretty faces. Go! Yeah, yeah. Go to be in good specials got a special way to go. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Fucking March 12th.

March 12th. A very important day of the history of March. That was the day. That was the first day slash ever wore a top hat on stage, or was it Abraham Lincoln? Would you say that the most famous people who ever wore a top hat, right? Now, did Lincoln just get shot while he was wearing one, so that's how everybody always draws him? I don't know. I feel like you've got to be a certain height.

That's tall people. shit, you know, to have a fucking top hat and tails, you know. Is there anything funnier than seeing somebody short wearing tall people shit? You know, like when you went to your prom, that fucking little fucking five foot six inch fire plug showing up wearing the fucking tails. Looking like a little goddamn penguin. Do people even wear tails that even have proms anymore? Is it considered unsafe?

I know that they're supervised and that they started to fucking book comedians at them. And who's kidding who? I guess they always should have been. Especially if you have a daughter. Speaking of ladies and ladies, ladies, ladies get in for free. They never talk about that when they talk about equal pay, huh? Ladies night. Leave your money at home and bring your snatch because you're not paying for shit.

Right? They don't talk about that, do they? All the nightclubs they get in for free, for free. Actually, what they really mean, don't they really mean beautiful women? Beautiful women get in for free. You know, mediocre to ugly women, then they just start going like, hey, you know, we're kind of full right now. And what does that do?

That causes a movement. I went to a club the other night. They said it was full and it wasn't. You know, I know that Because all of a sudden these other women Who, yeah, they were skinnier Yeah, they had better bone structure Yeah, they were better looking

And they wouldn't let me in. They let them in. That isn't right. One of people who aren't good looking Just going to admit that they're not good looking And just realize that they're going to have to walk through another door in life. It makes you stronger. You know, I'd love to have sympathy for you But I'm a bald red-headed male.

So, I mean, you've, fucking preaching to the choir. You know? You think the club wasn't full when I showed up? Boo-hoo. Make me my own room. This is the fucking poor me era of human beings as we ignore. Real shit.

Real shit that's going on. What kind of real shit is going on, Bill? I don't know. I don't pay attention. I know there's got to be something more important than fucking bathrooms right we already got bathrooms pick one um sorry anyways plowing ahead here uh you're probably wondering why i'm in such a weird fucked up mood i'm really not in a weird fught up mood this is me in a good mood i cleaned up my office finally finally put things in their proper place um

found a lot of shit that i thought i lost or misplaced or even forgot that i even had now A minimalist will be like, well, that's, that's what you need to get. You need to get rid of all this. You need to get real low. Where does it go there, minimalist? Into the ocean, into a fucking dump. Okay? Stop acting like every fucking post that you have out there.

You're going to go sell on Craigslist and someone's going to want to buy it. Okay? Isn't it more environmentally sound to be a hoarder? Rather than sending all your shit to the dump, poisoning the soil, you have it contained. within your own apartment or house or or cabana or guest house depending on your living situation you can't tell me ever since oj that when you're in a guest house you can't you can't be the guest and think what if the fucking person who owns this kills their spouse and somebody else who happened to be there wait am i going to be the person who happens to be there all right note to self the entire time

I'm a guest in this guy's house. Just make sure I'm always where I'm supposed to be. How will I know where I'm supposed to be? I'm just going to avoid this fucking guy and pay the rent on time. That's what OJ did. A lot of people talk about the bad that he did, okay, which is pretty obvious at this point. But the good that he did is I think the behavior of people in guest houses,

I bet if you were able to chart it, if you had an algorithm or whatever is these number crunch. crunched people do. They would find that the behavior of the Cato Calens of the world dramatically improved after OJ, you know, well, I guess you can't say he killed those two people. He was acquitted. It's fucked up. How the fuck you're supposed to say that? I think I just talked myself into a corner. Look at the bird. Look at that fucking bird out there. You know, a lot of, you know, I'm just sitting there looking at that fucking thing. How that fat fuck, that bird just flew the way

just did. I think it's all about the legs. I think, you know, I bet if you got a fucking really skinny person, right, had a beer belly and they had little bird legs, nah, it still wouldn't work, would it? You know what? I bet you could get them to try if you talk to them long enough. If you talk to them long enough, you know, come on, dude, look at you. You're shaped just like a bird. And you're smarter than that fucking thing. Give it a jump. Come on. Um, Sorry. Anyways, this is Sunday afternoon. I just put my absolutely darling daughter in the other room for a nap.

So I got the fucking big brother camera going here. Where the fuck is it? Oh, shit. Where the fuck's the camera? God damn it. I just fucking had this thing. I was killing it. I had everything going the way I needed to be going.

Oh, there it is. There it is. What is she doing? Oh, she's sleeping. Rock up by cutie. the other room. Something, something, something, and I'll get a broom. Clean up all the shit that fell on the floor.

And then you'll come out and do it some more. Oh, Dad. Can you stop singing your nerd songs? Anyways, you know, it's fucking amazing. Is I'm getting my invisible line off. Allegedly, just like O.J., allegedly, I'm getting my invisible line off this Wednesday. I can't fucking wait. I'm on train number 13.

projected to take 16 weeks. But I had these fuckers in the whole time. I did half of my stand-up sets. I left them in spitting all over the fucking stage. I just wanted to get it over with. Right? That's a big thing in life. When something sucks, just get it over with.

Okay, you get tossed overboard in the ocean. You know what I mean? You see that shark fin. Don't swim away from it. You swim at it. Head first. Get it over with. What do you say this?

Shucky! Anyways, I'm getting my Envisal line off, and then they give me a mouth guard. So for the rest of my life, when I go to sleep, I just pop in the mouth guard, and then I'm fine. And the shit will stay the same. And it's also cool because, you know, occasionally I will grind my teeth at night because I'm a lunatic or I'm stressed. I don't know what it is, but it's something I've done ever since I was a little kid.

So anyway, so it all worked out. It all fucking worked out. And I highly recommend it. And they're not paying me to tell you guys that fucking invisible lines is the shit. But it's the shit. You know, considering what they used to do, put all that barbed wire in your fucking mouth.

You know? Then God forbid you got into a fight. It was just like you were a fucking bleeder. All someone I do is just punch. you're right in the mouth. We were playing, we were playing, kill the man with,

not kill the man with the ball. That's what we used to call that game. You just pick up the football and start running and, half your grade would tackle you.

And then you just coughed it up and someone else got it. It was fucking great. We played it totally. We played it every day, outdoor recess just about, and you'd come in, you weren't even sore.

Your body was brand new. He had a big puffy coat on. That's all you needed. So we were playing football one time. And I was right on time, you know, junior high when kids started getting braces.

And I remember this kid, Sean, he got somehow hit in the mouth. And when he got up like the wires that go from like, you know, on each tooth, they had like a little fucking central hub where the wires would go through. And like the thing had like popped off. The wire popped off. Those things are still glued on. That's right. And he had like two wires sticking straight out of his mouth.

I remember him getting up like, like, uh, uh, making this weird. and he was bleeding. And then we were all just, and they're like, uh, somebody get a pliers. Um, but now they've got invisilline. And it's tremendous.

And you two. And 13, well, it depends on how fucked up your teeth are and how much you're willing to wear them. Because I know somebody else that's getting them and doesn't want to wear them all the time. So she's given into the fact that it's going to take, you know,

like a year and a half or some shit. And she's just like, why wouldn't you get it over with? And she was just like, why wouldn't you just fuck off? And I was like, fine. Hey, fair enough. Fair enough.

Who am I to tell you how to fix your fucking dentition? All right? I'm just, you know, I'm excited. I want other people to be excited. Hey, here's something to be excited about. I finally watched, I watched two Bruins games this weekend. Yeah, da, yeah. Bo do, pooh, pooh.

I finally saw Rick Nash playing with the Bruins. Uh, big physical presence. I scored a goal on a Saturday. Now, a matinee game. Those games usually suck, right? Because they're fucking teams tired. They're just waking up. They used to like, they're still shaking off a hangover,

and all of a sudden they're dropping the puck. There's a bunch of kids there and shit. It feels like a charity game, you know. It doesn't feel like the season. But they played a wild one on Saturday. Seven to four, they won. They were up two to nothing. Looking like it was going to be nice, smooth fucking time.

And then the Hawks gave us the old right there, Fred. Then it was two to two. I can't remember. Three, two, three, three, four, three, four, four, four, four. 5, 4, 6, 4, 7, 4. Right? I think that's what it was. And then today, like, to fucking, you know,

I thought we were going to, we tied it up. I thought we had the goddamn thing one. And then Charo, uh, I know, the Patrick Sharp took a stick to the face from Charis. Then we got Chara in the box for a four-minute fucking major for the rest of the goddamn game, right? A double minor, I should say. And then, uh, and of course they go out there. And the fucking, it reminded me when we lost the Stanley Cup to him,

but we were like, oh, there is going to be a game. No, there isn't. It's over. They did that. Fucking Patrick Cain. Jesus Christ. You guys a sniper. So I'm going to try to watch some more of the games.

But I mean, I've watched so many fucking games in the last 10 years that it didn't feel like I was away that long. And I still knew most of the team because I've been watching, looking at the stats and all of that shit. So I don't know. I guess I'll try. I don't know. Now I got the kid, man. It's just, it's fucking hard, man. I haven't been able to watch my Celtics, my Bruins.

You know, Patriots are easy because it's like once a week. You know? So, anyways, I'm just fucking, I'm meandering right now because I'm waiting for the, uh, all the reeds and all that bullshit to come in. Because as always, I have 50,000 fucking things I have to do today, even on a Sunday. This is a day of rest. Even God rested on Sunday. I'm working harder than God, people.

I shouldn't have said that, you know, this fucking person sent me this, I don't know, this fucking thing where this guy was convinced that I was possessed by Satan. And his eye for cinematography was incredible. The way he was breaking down something that I did, he got every fucking thing that we were doing right. He just had the motivation wrong. He was like, this is hypnotic. They're trying to hypnotize you. It was all to serve Satan. And it's like, no, it's not to serve Satan.

It's so I can sell tickets. The reason why there's no crowd shots is because I feel your brain resets every time they cut to the fucking crowd and then you're going to try to draw them in again. When you go to a fucking stand-up show, you're not looking at the comedian and then turning around looking at people laughing every fucking eight seconds. That would be a shitty experience. So I'm trying to recreate the live experience. That's all I'm doing. I'm not trying to serve the guy down under, all right, with my stand-up special. I do that effortlessly the way I live my life anyways.

But it's fucking this YouTube video. This guy's comparing like fucking, he goes, look at the P90X. Look how they use black and white and they fucking do all this shit. It was really, it was really insane. My favorite part was when he told his kid to knock it off. I'm like, all right, he's a good dad. Hey, knock it off. But yeah.

Anyways, you're going to get that, right? I guess if you put a fucking special out, you're going to get some shit like that. Who gives a fuck about my stand-up specials? You know, it was awesome. Last night, I stayed in with my lovely, beautiful, gorgeous wife. And we hung in, and I started to watch Pakey Blinders. And they don't know nothing about no robbery. Right?

And she's like, I don't want to watch this. All right, Bill, you're white enough. I have a difficult time enough understanding you. forget about these fucking people, right? So I was like, okay, fair enough. So then we were scrolling through, and I looked for the nice guys. Once again, Netflix, can you make my year

and get the nice guys? Starring Russell Crowe. And, oh, Jesus, how could I forget this guy's name? The guy from Drive. The guy from La La Land. I'll remember it later. I always, the fuck is his name. He's fucking hilarious in that movie.

too. You know, fuck this. Hang on a second. I'm going to hit pause. I got to get this guy's name. Sorry, Ryan Gosling. They're fucking hilarious in that move. Ryan Gosling's hilarious. Russell Quiro was hilarious. It's such an underrated comedy and it reminds me of one of my favorite comedies of all time, Midnight Run. As far as I feel like the comedy, so much of it, their reactions and the way they're doing things. It comes from a real place. I don't mind wacky. I don't mind absurd or any of that bullshit, but I fucking love that movie. And so I looked it up and for whatever reason, Netflix has every fucking movie just about on their streaming service. The biggest streaming service in the world, world, world, right?

But they don't have that one. So I'm like, fuck. And then we scrolled down and then they had Thelma and Louise. And I was just like, man, I have literally not seen that movie. since I saw it when it came out in the movies. And, oh, is that a great fucking movie? Fucking great goddamn movie. And it still holds up.

And now with all this Me Too shit, you watch it now. And it's more relevant than ever. And every guy in there was just this piece of shit hitting on him. Like the guy who plays Gina Davis's husband, Christopher McDonald. He fucking steals every scene that he's in. Like, you got to watch it again. When they tell him that his wife might be involved in her murder, he just goes,

What? Wait, wait. What? Just the way he does, I'm going to, I'm butchering it. He's fucking hilarious in that movie. And we watch it. And the end, you know, I don't ruin the ending for people who haven't seen it. But, you know, anything that, you know, is a little nod to vanishing point.

You got to love that. Have you ever seen Vanishing Point? That's one of the first, like, anti-hero. It was during that, not the first, but during that error of the anti-hero. Like up until then, I guess, with movies and shit, it was always like, you know, the guy with the white hat. And who's kidding, who? The white skin was always like the fucking hero. He was always trying to do the right thing.

He didn't rob. He didn't steal. And he was a fucking hero. And if you stole and you were a piece of shit, you wore the bull. black hat, you were the bad guy. You know what I mean? I would say that they'd put minorities in those roles, but way back then, I don't even think they did that.

They just had, like, they even had white people playing like Native Americans and Asians, even Asians. I remember that when I posted that thing from fucking Hawaii 50? And they had that fucking white dude, and they did something to his eyes to try to make him, he just looked weird. Which was really strange because they had all those

I don't know if they were Asian, Hawaiian, and what the fuck they were, but I mean, they had plenty of people who weren't white on that show. I don't know. It didn't make any sense. But anyways, you gotta love Jack Lord's Mercury. I like the first one they'd had.

The 67 that he had or the 66. That was a mean fucking looking car. Anyways, but we sat and we watched that movie and it's still, it's just still holds up. It still fucking holds up. This is the time when usually I would start doing some reads, but I don't fucking have any.

Phelma in my reads. Oh, Jesus, Bill. Why would you make such a bad fucking joke? You know, I can't even sign into my fucking Gmail right now. I don't know what the problem is. Oh, Instagram. I'm inching closer to getting on Instagram. I figured out what my password is,

and now they're like, ah, there's been too many fucked up attempts to get into your account. I'm like, all right, that was me. but there's nobody to say that to, so they go, we're going to send this fucking code to you, and then they never send it. Well, who's kidding who? They sent me something back in September,

and I never fucking responded. So now I think they're looking at my, you know, my account like it's fucked up or some shit. I have no idea. But anyways, who gives a shit? Enough about that. Oh, so thank you to everybody who came out to my shows in Vancouver.

Jesus Christ, did I have a good time? I had such a fucking great time performing up there such a beautiful city and all that and this woman started running down to the stage she was yelling something about how lesbians were better at something

and I was just like, what I don't know what you're talking about and I was being an asshole you know making fun of all that me too shit you know just you know feminists they're just so easy to get mad how do you not do it? It's just so fucking tempting

as a comic. So I'm up there just saying this fucking ridiculous ignorant shit. And everybody's laughing, including all the rest of the women there, because they know what I'm saying is so fucking ridiculous. They know I don't believe it, right? But nowadays, there's always the, you know, franny face value in the fucking crowd, right? You've got to fucking take everything like, did he mean that? Now I'm offended. Now I'm offended. So I don't know what the fuck she was doing. She started like marching down towards the stage and all this security came. and just got her in her way.

And next thing I knew she was being escorted out, which sucked because that meant the fun was over. I heard people, I had some friends who came out to the show. They were trying to. People walking out saying that she was a plant. How funny is that? Like I got that kind of time and money to fly an actor up to fucking Vancouver to interrupt my show. It's just like at that point, wouldn't I just hire somebody to write me better material?

Who knows? I have no idea. I don't know why people always think that. That's such an old showbiz thing to have a plant in the crowd. But people used to do it. They did used to do it. So I guess it's fair that they think that. But anyway, so she got kicked out. I never kick anybody out on the show. It wasn't my call either. They just fucking escorted her out, which I thought was funny. I mean, it kind of felt bad. I was like, well, you know, It would have been fun if she stuck around I could have heard some more of her fucking crazy theories. You know, I don't know, I don't, there's this. And I had another two women walked out of my show when I was down the improv. Now, if I was some sort of thinking, man, I would be like, well, hey, Bill, that's two incidents in one week. Maybe it's you. But, you know, I really don't think it is.

I just think that the, uh, the extreme left are out of their fucking minds now. And they have this thing where if you, if, if, that, There's only one way to think and it's their way. And there's only certain subjects you can joke about. And if they don't think that you should be joking about it, that they're just going to really just behave like children. It was funny when they got up and walked out when I was at the improv. Like people were going to care.

I don't know. Hey, you know what? You know what? It's just the world that we're living in, huh? Just this overly sensitive fucking time that we're living in. So anyways, the fuck am I going to get these reads? Hey, did you see Trump is going to go talk to Kim Jong?

They're going to go hang out. So I actually looked up the fucking story, right? I looked this story up. Let me see if I can find this shit. And my first thought when I saw their picture side to side is like, you know, Trump gets way too much shit for his fucking hairdo. The picture they have on the Google News, his hair looks good to me. you know i think it was bad for a long time where he had he did have a comb over but since then

hair plugs got way better and i think he filled it in but he likes having the big swoop and thing because i think that's part of his look but i think that's all his hair but whatever but kim john ann's haircut oh what fuck you say jesus christ i don't want to sabotage this meeting but my god he has like a joseph stalin Meets Mo Howard with a little bit of John Travolta. All in the same, all in the same fucking haircut. It's incredible. Really is.

It's like the kind of haircut like a wrestler, you know, would have. They wanted to make a splash like, oh my God, who the fuck is this guy? But anyways, you imagine the balls of me just sitting here fucking completely bald, sitting there trash in these people's haircuts? I gave Trump a nod. I don't think it looks that bad. Compared to what? Compared to what I'm fucking dealing with, I guess. Although I think I look better than,

hey, well, let's do that. Let's do that on the Photoshop. You know, when they go, who wore it best? You know, do a fucking Trump, me, and Kim Jong, and just vote worst haircut. And fuck all you assholes who picked me just to be cunts.

I respect it, but fuck you two. All right. CIA director, Mike Pompeo. has defended Donald Trump's decision to meet North Korean leader Kim Jong-un saying the president understands the risk. I actually think it's fucking great that he's doing this. This should happen more. Go talk it out before a bunch of people fucking die, you lunatics. He said, Mr. Trump isn't doing this for theater.

He's going there to solve a problem. The spy chief told Fox News Sunday. It's funny that he's a spy, a spy, and he's going on the fucking news. The president has said the summit could produce the greatest deal for the world. What else would he say? He's been saying that's how it got him in the office. Everything's great. But critics have warned that the talks go poorly.

The two nations will be in a worse position than before. It's the political gamble of the 21st century, the tricky task of preparing for the Trump Kim summit. Why is everybody so, like, why is it better if the two of them don't talk? He said, no sitting U.S. president has ever met a North Korean leader. Mr. Trump reportedly accepted the offer to do so on the spot when it was relayed by South Korean envoys on Thursday, taking his own administration by surprise. Let me ask you this. Please tell me they're not going to meet in some fucking Italian restaurant in the village. Okay. And if any point, Kim Jong-un says, I need to go to the bathroom. All right. You better have something down by your ankle.

That's all I'm saying. Anyways, attempts to negotiate aid for disarmament deals have failed repeatedly since 2003 when the North pulled out of the nuclear non-proliferation treaty. Mr. Pompeo told CBS the administration had its eyes wide open to the challenge of dealing with North Korea. I got to be honest with you, I don't understand what the fucking problem is. like why are they do we have like economic sanctions on them is that why their people are starving and we have that

on them because they were part of the communist expansion you know there's got to be a better way to do it economic sanctions we why don't you go the other way why don't we ever go the other way and just become like the the fucking you know just be like a good shit you know

fight the guy to the Super Bowl get him some whores you know then he doesn't want to blow this place up I can't fucking blow that up yeah I go to the football game. I got my dick sucked. What are we doing here? I like those guys. Right? It's like when the Bruins and the Rangers hated each other. And then they all played on the same team and they went and they played the Russians. And all of a sudden the rivalry fucking died. That's what you do. These people they got to hang out. You know? I don't know how good that'll be for the rest of us because

then they'll probably like joint forces. I have no fucking idea. This is why I don't read the news. I mean, it's Princess Diana's iconic minefield walk. What the fuck is this? about. How slow a newsday is it that they're going to bring this shit up? I mean, that was like she died, what, 97? Rosa Parks. Before Rosa Parks, there was a 15-year-old girl. From hero to big friend. Is Bernie Sanders running for president? Five women, five countries, five babies. That sounds like a bad movie, doesn't it? The man, Brussels can't stop talking about. That's the winner right there. who's this guy's Brussels can't stop the man at the heart of the brussels saga saga i have no idea what this is about the european commission has denied allegations of cronyism after a protege of its president jean clodz junta was given one of the most powerful jobs in the EU civil service and everybody hooks everybody up in politics martin cell mayor has been appointed secretary general general of the commission not fuck not martin St. Mailer, sell mayor,

the organization that monitors whether countries are sticking to EU's rules, dreams up new laws and runs the Brexit talks day to day. Who is he? He's a 40-something lawyer. Who gives a fuck? This is why I can't pay. Who cares? I don't care.

I actually stopped caring in the middle of that. All right. I guess I have to hit pause at this point because I don't have any of my fucking advertising or anything. That's bullshit. What is going to talk to you about? You know what? My fucking shoulder is doing great. I did yoga for 20 minutes before my shoulder was like, you know, getting a little like, hey, take it easy there, huh?

I got weight lifting going again a little bit. I got the get in shape girls, you know, the pink. Oh my God, you had a girl, one pounders. I got the baby blue fucking five pounders. And I don't know. At some point I'm going to work back up to the iron. But at this point, all my weight training with the shit I grabbed looks like a It's made out of Plato.

But I'm fucking psyched because I told you guys. I'm turning 50. I don't know if I brought that up for 50,000 fucking times, but I'm turning 50 in June and I'm going to get into the best shape of my life. That's what I plan on doing. That's my plan. Whether I do it or not, I have no idea. Not the best shape in my life.

Best shape of my fucking, like the last 10 years. Because no, how good a shape I get in, you know, the parts of 50 years old, right? You know, they always try to say that shit, you know. They used to do that shit where it's just like, you know, I did a test. I'm 50, but my fucking legs are 40. It's like, no, they're not. Those are your, those are all original parts. Okay. Unless you lost a leg and then they stuck a new one on there when you were 10. Then that leg would be 40 years old. The prosthetic. All right. That was negative. All right. Let me, let me hit pause here. All right. And I'm back. That was half a second in your life.

But, uh, all right. I guess, oh, geez, we got a new advertisement. are here. Okay, I just realized I left the monitor in the other room. I don't want my daughter to wake up without me. All right, hang on. All right, you know what? She's still sleeping. And I just realized that it's not 415. It's 515. So I need to wake her up. I hate having to wake her up. But I got to do that or else. She's going to throw her all off. All right. I got to hit pause again. Hit him pause again. All right. I'm back. He's back. All right. I was all set to launch into why Postmates sucks.

Because I finally downloaded it onto my phone, the app. And I was like, all right, I'm going to do what all the kids are doing. Baba, blah, blah, blah. In order the food. And some fucking kids going to show up and they haven't, you know, they can't fucking ring a doorbell anymore. They're sitting there. They're texting you that they're outside of the house.

Knock in the fucking door. So anyways, I've used it twice. Same place. Okay, the first fucking guy, say I said that I live on fucking 9,8,858, Main Street, North Main Street. He went to the South Main Street. He's just like, oh, bro, I'm fucking nine miles from you out, bro.

What the fuck, dude? It's not how he talked. He was actually a good shit. And I sat there blaming myself going, I probably fucked it up. I just signed up about all this fucking shit. And it turned out I didn't fuck up. I put my right zip coping.

They fucked up. I still tipped the guy, right? I got a need to be liked. He was a good guy. Whatever. So I ordered it again. Same fucking place. And I'm waiting and I'm waiting.

And then I'm looking and it says it's going to be here at like six. And I'm like, fine. You know? But I can't negotiate it. And then fucking, I don't know. I hit something and then said, oops, there's been a problem. You order can't go through.

So I was just like, You fucking fuck postmates and all this shit. And I ate something else. And in the middle of prepping that, the doorbell rings of my order came. So I don't know what I did. So I apologized to postmates for all the shit I just said about them walking around my house. Evidently, I fucked it up. I went back to some other screen.

All I knew was I couldn't tell if I ordered it and had gone through. I don't know. You know, it doesn't take much to fucking. you know, sorry, I'm typing my password. I can't fucking think and type at the same time. It doesn't take much to throw me off. That's all I'm saying. All right. So whatever, Postmates is fine. Okay. All right. Bill, tour dates. Second and third late shows added to some of these dates. Oh, nice. Nice, nice baby. Boo, boo, boo, boo, do do do. Oh, fucking Billy Bighead's got a fucking tour he's doing. I'm going to be in Kitchener on Terri. March 7th.

We added a late show. I'm sorry, March 17th. Oh, St. Patty's Day. Tura, Lura, Lura, and the green alligator and the something, something. And the Long Negris. Connor McGregor

and a fucking something. All right. Tulsa, Oklahoma, March 30th. San Antonio, we added a show. March 31st. We added a late show in Pittsburgh. April. We added a late show in Cincinnati, April 7th.

As I go through the fucking NFC, AFC Central, the old AFC Central Division. Nashville, we added a late show, April 21st. San Francisco, I'm there, May 14, 15, 16, and 17. 17th is the only day with tickets left. Look at you fucking guys. Showing up for the bald freckles. Cut. Thank you. Then I'm doing the three arena in Dublin, Ireland,

and then I'm doing Royal Albert Hall in London, England. Can you believe that? If you fucking think that I'm not setting up an old Ludwig kid there during the fucking day and playing a bunch of Zeppelin when the place is empty, you don't know me. I'm going to do that unless they tell me I can't. Then I'll be like, oh, sorry. Didn't mean to offend the queen.

Whatever the fuck I'm supposed to say. Added a late show in Minneapolis on June 29th. We added a late show in Seattle, July 15th. What are the ones? What are the ones? All right, whatever. You'll see all this shit. You'll see all this shit.

Where I'm going to be at. Oh, man. This is going to be a fun year. It's going to be a fun year. All right. Enough of me fucking drooling over all those great places I get to perform at. Boston Sports. Hey there, Billy Russell.

Do you think Boston is the type of city that could have supported two teams in any sport. Do you think it's something you could handle in the future? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, we had that opportunity. Way back in the day, we had the, let's see, we had the Boston Braves and the Boston Red Sox. The Braves ended up leaving.

I don't know. I don't know. I got to be honest with you. I don't know how the Brooklyn Nets did it. We're all those people out there with Nick fans. and then all of a sudden the New Jersey Knicks move out there and it just says Brooklyn and everybody just jumps on the bandwagon and says fuck the Knicks. I don't get that.

Especially if you're a long time suffering Knicks fan and then what if they win it? You know, even if the Brooklyn Nets win it, it's not going to be the same. They showed up during your life. You know, that's like the second wife. You don't love her the way you love the first one because the first one went bad, I would think, right? I don't know. And then, of course, we had two football teams there for a minute. We had the New England Patriots and we had the Boston Breakers in the USFL.

I went to a game against the Washington Federals at Nickerson Field. No, I don't, I don't, you know, this is the deal. We don't need more than one team in every sport the way New York does to try to win some championships. I'm telling you. The fucking New York Yankees are the sugar. Look at Daddy of New York City. That's the reason why New York City is not looked upon is one of the most pathetic fucking

sports towns ever. Just considering the amount of titles versus the amount of fucking teams. You know, the Knicks haven't won in forever. The Nets have never won. The Mets haven't won in 30-something years. The Jets haven't won since Super Bowl fucking three. Who else? The Knicks, you know, the Knicks since, what, 73?

The Rangers have won once since 1940. And they're going on a 25-year fucking drought again. They're about halfway through that fucking curse again already. Just like that. They went 54 years the last time. They're almost at the halfway point of that. Giants are decent. Giants are respectable.

And also they did it. You know, some Giants also won some NFL titles, too. but what kills the fucking city for me, aside from my blind hatred of them, is the fact that, you know, you can just go, oh, what about the giants? Because you already have the jets

so that you don't have the jets hanging around your neck. Oh, the fucking Mets. Oh, what about the Yankees? You know what I mean? They always have like a fucking option. So, yeah, I don't know. And I've got to be honest with you, I don't understand how the clippers fucking survive.

But they do. They do. I just don't see that happening in, a city like Boston, the size of it and the ridiculous loyalty that you would bring a new tea. Like, who the fuck would you bring in there? I mean, everybody hates us at this point. And everybody's talked shit about us. So who are you going to move there?

The Jaguars, the New England Jaguars. Would you put them out in Worcester? Change their name. The fucking Worcester Wildebeest. I don't know. Former vegetarian and anti-weightlifter. Dear Billy Bison Thys, heard you talking about lifting weights with Kenny Aronoff. Can I just read that sentence again?

Heard you talking about lifting weights with Kenny Aronoff. How fucking awesome was he on the podcast? I can't believe I got to meet that guy. Really glad you understand the benefits. I was a vegetarian who only did cardio for five and a half years. I recently started eating amyl fat again and I feel a lot better. I'm not going to preach against vegetarianism, but the mental benefits of those types of cholesterol is complete. improved my hormone, energy, and cognitive levels.

I only eat grass-fed meat and try to eat in the morning to improve brain function. Also, since I started lifting weights once or twice a week, my upper body feels better than when doing basic tasks around the house and yard. What's your take on red meat? Are you picky where it comes from? Nah, dude, I'll literally, I'll eat a fucking cow. They ate another cow. I don't have the patience.

There's a butcher, you know, a couple of. the town's over, I guess I could go to. Sometimes I go there, but generally speaking, I don't know what I'm eating. But I try to eat as well as I can. What's my take on red meat? It's fucking delicious. You know, I start to read up on all of that shit. It just gets so fucking depressing. So I try. And then you go so they just say it's grass fed. Okay. So it's grass fed. Everything says it's fucking organic. It isn't. organic. It's got a bunch of crap put in there. The system to monitor what's in your food, like most systems at this point, is so fucking corrupt.

I don't know how to, I don't know what to do. But yeah, I'm actually, I will go back to lifting weights. I don't think I'm going to do like bench pressing. I'll do it with dumbbells. For some reason with dumbbells, I can control the angle independently on both shoulders and I don't have a fucking problem. but bench pressing is for young people, and I am not young. All right. Vermont gun laws. Bill, I'm from New Hampshire, and I always found it fascinating how lenient Vermont's gun laws are. Here's a basic rundown of how Bernie runs things and why he's always careful around the gun law conversation.

Minimum age to purchase and possess in Vermont. Vermont allows any person age 16 or older to pursue. possess a handgun without the consent of a parent or guardian. There is no minimum age to possess a rifle or a shotgun in Vermont. Vermont law allows firearms sales to anyone 16 years or older. Thanks. All right. Well, I really don't have a problem with any of that.

I just have a problem with people who are mentally ill getting them. That's the problem. And nobody on either side seems to know how to stop that from happening. You know, the fucking people who buy guns keep making This guy made this whole video showing how like this rifle he had Had a bullet twice the size of an AR-15 Going but this is the this is the friendly gun Nobody's scared of this one and it's got a bullet twice side

But it's the fucking semi-automatic you can't You know what they're saying You know what they're saying And everybody's just got to fucking just sit there and act like they don't understand what the F doesn't everybody want this shit to stop? somebody for the love of fucking God, just come figure out how to fuck. You can't be a fucking nut job and just walk in and get a fucking gun. That's the fucking problem.

But people who like to buy guns don't want it to be extra difficult for them to get the fucking thing because they're not nuts. So, which is crazy to me. I don't, you know. Ayah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But watching both of those arguments, they're talking about two totally different fucking things. One side's just like, get rid of all of the guns, stupid. Guns are great. Guns do great things.

Okay. You can defend yourself with the gun and you can provide, you can hunt with the gun. Okay? You can scare somebody off with the fucking gun. This is great fucking things. And then there's bad things you can do with the gun. It's a hell intervention. of an invention. All right, wife unable to grow the fuck up. Okay. Hey there, Billy's sad, old sober

ball sack. Now, I'm not sober anymore. I got a rack of Bud Tall sitting in the fridge. I love a Budweiser every once in a while and it can't. Takes me back to when I first got shit face down in Fanual Hall. Been a listener for a few years. Actually, I was drinking Mickle-Lobank that night. I'm a particular, I'm particularly a fan of the way you look at sensitive topics like And not everyone is able to question the fact of why all other religions sound silly like our own. I love that bit on your special. Well, thank you. You know, and as much as you loved it, somebody else thought I was a servant of Satan.

Now for the question, I'm a guy on my early 30s, I mean in my early 30s, married with a beautiful two-year-old daughter. Congrats on yours, by the way. It's a wonderful thing being a father. Yes, it is. However, my wife routinely gets nostalgic about her teenage years. She's unable to get a steady job, keeps changing topics at school, so she attends a certain course for a couple years, gives up, heads on to the next one. I was hoping becoming a mom would help, but it looks like it hasn't. Recently, she's even been asking, how upset would I be if she told me she was cheating?

What the fuck? She has apparently been watching some fucking show on Netflix where the protagonist is a chick. that cheats to feel free and young again. Isn't it just women, I swear to fucking God. I swear to God. Do you know if they ever put a show on the fucking air where a guy was cheating on his wife to feel free and young again,

the amount of fucking attacks that that goddamn show would get? You know, this is one thing that I have learned generally when it comes to women, okay? If you fuck up, it's your fault. Okay, it's your fault. If they fucked up, it's because of something you did. That's kind of how it works. I told her I think that's bullshit.

I can go out on a guy's night out, smoke a cigar, drink some alcohol, and have a fucking great time. And that's basically more than enough for me. Unfortunately, I have also found out she's been trying to engage in conversation with her first big crush. Oh, boy, dude. You don't have to be a genius to read these tea leaves here, man. At least the way you're presenting it. So what's your takes on this?

What the fuck do I do with this woman? We're planning on having a second child, but honestly, I'm not sure if it's a good idea. It's fine for me to stay with my daughter and she can fuck off if that's what she wants. I almost think you have to tell her that. Find out first what's just be like, what's going on with you? You're asking me how I would feel. if you cheated on me. You're watching this show

or this woman's cheating and you're having conversations with your first big crush. Okay? I need to know what's going on. Are you going through a phase? Because if this fucking thing's over, it's fucking over.

I'm not having another kid with you. And I wouldn't get upset the way I'm getting upset for you. To say it, I would just put it online. Like, what's going on with you? And I don't know how much I would trust her. Listen to what she has to say. And before I have another kid with that person, I would

I would hire a private investigator to follow her around to see if she's not fucking somebody else. No, I wouldn't. But you should. By the way, he said, I'm doing very well professionally and have also some hobbies that keep me entertained. Having a daughter certainly takes a toll on a relationship. I'm guessing she has too much free time and maybe consequently feels neglected. We do try to watch a show every now and then, and we go out as a family regularly on the weekend. Sex life is okay, not sure if we can blame this situation on me.

Thanks a lot. Well, God knows she's going to. I mean, what man doesn't feel fucking neglected too when they have a kid? I mean, your sex life does suffer, you know? So you then go out and, you know, do something to feel free and wanted. Yeah, you need to sit down and talk to her. Find out what the fuck is going on. And I would just tell her what you're doing.

And the way you're making me feel right now is not even remotely fair. And it's not something I would do to you. So what the fuck? Just clean that up. Say it in a nice way. Man, that's fucking annoying. There's a show out there where a woman fucks around to feel free and young again. Listen, here's the thing.

All right. it's not that I even fucking mind that show because I believe that there are people out there like there there that they're just not designed to be married there's people out there that can actually do that and it doesn't mean shit to them both men and women and they can just fucking walk back in it doesn't mean shit to them the problem is the person they're with it means something to so um I'm pretty fucking open minded but uh I've just annoyed that if you made a you know did they oh I guess It was Californication like that?

I have no idea. I never watched that show. I couldn't get into that show. I didn't get what this guy's problem was. Oh, man, you know, these fucking young chicks just want to keep banging me. I'm supposed to feel bad for this guy. Anyway, friends' wife is attracted to me. Jesus Christ.

Dear Billiard, the Cube bald. The Cube bald. I like that. Appreciate the podcast and everything you do. And thank you for taking the time to read this email. mail, no problem. Thank you for the funny nickname. I like it. I'm in a tricky situation here. There are four people involved. My buddy of 12 years, oh man, his wife of two years. Dude, where's your loyalty? My girlfriend of six months and myself, we're all in our mid to late 20s.

Oh boy. It has recently come to light that the wife is interested in me. Oh, geez. You just skipped over a lot of fucking details. How did that come about? She sent you a Valentine? Were you guys having inappropriate conversation that led to that? Anyways, I met her about three years ago while she and my buddy were still just dating. She was my type and I was drawn to her immediately. She is at least a nine for my taste, but I just put her in the unattainable compartment in my brain since she wasn't available. I did not give her any additional thought beyond being cordial. I didn't really care to get to know her and I didn't think about what it would be like to date her. Though if she had been single, I would have gone after it.

All right. So so far, according to you, you've been a good guy. Fast forward to the recent past. My buddy's wife and I got to know each other on a bit more of a personal level on my birthday a few months ago. My girlfriend was there too and it seemed like my bud's wife took an interest in getting to know my girlfriend as well. since then the four of us have hung out a few times and the wife has gotten to know me a lot better. I've also been hitting the gym, which has gotten the attention of my buddy's wife. Ah, Jesus Christ.

All right, they've been married two years, your 20s, in your late 20s. So she's looking to pull the rip cord. Where the fuck was I? Okay, so one weekend, a group of people, including myself and my buddy's wife go to a club my girlfriend was invited but decided to go to sleep instead obviously alcohol was flowing and there isn't much room on a dance for i'll spare you the details dude what do you spare me the details it was just getting good fuck what the fuck this is like a a cinemax movie i'll spare you the details and suffice to say that i learned that night that she was into me

uh when what she was doing the running man on your dick i mean i don't know Okay, I was pretty overwhelmed and thrilled because I thought she was a bit out of my league. I'm also, I'm also am not the happiest in my relationship what makes it harder for me to sort out my feelings on the matter. This girl excels in the areas that my girlfriend doesn't. I certainly am very attracted to her and enjoy this type of attention. I didn't know if she was unhappy in a relationship or what. I've tried to see what this girl wants or if there's a problem with her marriage, but she has had a lot of. of dodgy answers like, I wasn't looking for anything, or this isn't supposed to go anywhere,

or I'm perfectly happy in my relationship, et cetera. She also has a hard time committing to any boundaries. Oh, fuck this chick. Or maybe she just got drunk and said something stupid. It all sounds like bullshit to me. I think she is lacking affection from my buddy and she's bored and horny. She also sounds like she just doesn't want to admit that there's a problem. She's trying to have the security of a marriage and the thrill of a new romance. We haven't kissed her anything yet. Big word yet. But I feel like we've already desecrated both of our relationships. I also feel like any increased fun talk about and the tension will eventually reach the inevitable breaking point. Yeah, you got to stay away from her. What should I do? My girlfriend will lose

a shit if she hears about this. My buddy will be really unhappy. I think you flip those. I think your girlfriend will be unhappy. Your buddy will lose his shit. Anyways, and I already feel like I couldn't trust this girl if we did get together. However, I don't really care. I just love to hook up with her. I can, well, it's honest. I can tell this girl has something wacky going on, but I don't have the strength to reject her advances.

What should I do? Thank you so much and go fuck yourself. Stop going out to the club with them. Or fucking rub one out before you go out or don't drink when you go out there. Yeah, that's going to blow up. That is going to fucking blow up. in your face. But who's kidding who, man?

That type of shit happens all the fucking time. All the fucking time. Married women will come up to another guy and say that they're attracted to them. I mean, there's all this shit out there now about guys' behavior and that type of shit. You know, women do it all the fucking time. And they say they're better at it. I don't think they necessarily are. I think what the thing is is that just women are into vengeance.

So, you know, if you get something like that going and if the end, if they don't get a fucking check for a million dollars in a house, they're going to try to do something to blow up your life. That's what they do. Guys, we walk away. Fuck you, bitch. And we just, generally speaking, we just, we walk away. They don't.

They burn down your fucking life. So, dude, first of all, break up with the fucking chick you're with now and go find somebody else to fuck around with. All right? You don't need to be fucking around with your buddy's unhappy wife. Because you're never going to be able to trust her. All right? You're just not. And then you're going to lose your friendship for 12 years with this other guy.

All right? This is basically like your dick's in Congress right now, like filibustering, you know? Your dick has the floor right now. That's what the problem is. If you just sit down, okay, and you listed all the pros and cons of doing this, if you were where I was at right now sitting there, the answer is easy. Don't do that. Don't do that.

But when you're in it and your dick is there, all fucking logic goes out the fucking windows. So, you know, I don't know. I just, you know, I would just fucking, she said there's nothing else to it. I would leave it at that. And if she brings it up again, I would just say, look, you said there was nothing to it. Okay. So I don't want to hear any more of that kind of talk. I already, you can't hang out with her anymore.

You can't. You cannot fucking hang out with her unless that dude is there. And if this guy's really a fucking friend, by the way, wait a minute. If this guy's really your friend, you know, you wouldn't be thinking about doing that and be, oh man, I don't know if you tell him. I don't know if you should tell. I wouldn't tell him. It's a fucking mess. You know, a woman would, women would. Women would initiate the conversation and then turn around a fucking, you know. Yeah, don't tell him. Don't tell him. That's a stupid fucking idea because she'll flip. the fucking story, start crying, he'll feel bad, and he's going to choose her over you. Dude, you got a situation. There's just so many fucking ways that this can go, and none of it's good unless you just walk away. Walk away. Go back to the room. Go back to the room.

Fuck it. It's that moment in fucking when you're playing cards where you just kind of admit you're not going to win tonight, just fucking cash out and go back to the fucking room. That's what you should do. Jerk off to her as much as you fucking want to get it out of your system. Go find somebody else that you like that makes you not think about your buddy's wife. How about that? There we go.

But I'm sure she just wants to feel free. All right. I know. I was a little bit of an asshole, but what are you going to do? All right, that's the podcast. Once again, thank you for everybody that came out in Vancouver.

And I'm going to be in Ontario coming up this weekend on the 17th, whatever the fuck I'm going to be. I came up because of an elf, I think. It's up on my website, Bill at Billbird.com. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check it on you on Thursday. Rainy Purr Special's got a special way to go Roundwheel singing on a long flat track

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