Monday Morning Podcast - Birthday Billy, Current Events, Keeping Calm | Monday Morning Podcast 6-9-25

Episode Date: June 9, 2025

Bill rambles with the lovely Nia about ol' Billy birthday, current events, and keeping calm. Hims:  With hundreds of thousands of trusted subscribers, Hims can help you find the ED option that works for you.  Start your free trial at www.Hims.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, June 9th, 2025. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Jesus. Oh, Billy, under the weather. A day before my birthday. Can you believe it, guys?

It's just like, why does this stuff always happen to me? Oh my God. It's just like why does this stuff always happen to me? Oh My god, how am I gonna blow out the fucking candles? feeling all sick, I Left have someone out come out and blow them out for me They'll be all dramatic. I would blow out the candles, but I don't want to get everyone sick. Oh It's okay, Bill. No, it isn't It isn't. It isn't okay.

Turning 57 years old tomorrow. The big five-seven. Now this is a year that a lot of people don't realize how exciting it is to be 57. You know what I mean? Bum knee, swollen prostate, blurry vision. You know what I mean? Allum knee, swollen prostate, blurry vision. You know what I mean? All you fucking guys cross-fitting, that is nothing compared to being 57

and opening up your eyes and, you know, not being able to see across the room. Jesus Christ. Sorry, I had to pause there. Just hacking it up. Oh, the lovely Nia, everybody. Poor baby. Nia's in town. This podcast is gonna be short because my gorgeous wife is in town.

Hi, everybody. Let's have a little seat here, Nia. Okay. Let's sit down here. All right, Nia. Well, I would like to do a podcast with you, but I don't want to get you sick. Billy drama I would like to do a podcast with you, but I don't wanna get you sick. Billy drama.

We're not doing a podcast today. We're not doing a full podcast. Yeah, I was the one who was supposed to say that. I was supposed to be the one that fucking said that, because then all the racist people who don't like the fact that we're together would be like, oh, I told you, she makes all the fucking decisions. You know, she's actually writes all his material.

He has to run it by her to make sure everything's fine. Oh, this is so sad. My favorite thing is when I've been promoting Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, my favorite troll. I love this guy. He keeps writing, this man's fall off will be studied for generations. Oh my God, they've written on my page too. What a fucking loser. No, but my favorite thing about that is generations from now, they're going to be-

Generations. No, they're going to be graphing my shit jokes. Like, what happened to this guy? Approximately in 2024, spilling into 2025, that's when the fall off really started to happen. I know. Come on, you guys. It fall off really started to happen. I know. Come on you guys. It's just all those racist idiots. Just be happy that Bill's happy.

Isn't that hard? Isn't that hard? Don't speak on my happiness. I am happy. I am happy. I'm just, I wish, I don't want to happen. How I got, I just ran myself a little ragged there. My mom just texted me and said our daughter isn't feeling well.

Oh, well. I'm surrounded, so. You're surrounded. Well, no, no, no. I feel like all I need is a little ginger and lemon. I got a show tonight, Nia. Yes, you do. How can I sing One Flew Over the Fucking Cuckoo's Nest

tonight, no. The musical. No, how can I sing, what is it? Somewhere Over the Rainbow was what I was trying to say. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Somewhere, no I'm not there. Somewhere over the, somewhere.

Somewhere. There you go. A very pensive Bill Burr took the stage as Glenn, Glenn Gary's Annie. They added, well this is a mashup. That's how I got the gig. They combined Glenn Gary with Annie. Right. That's what I got the gig. They combined Glengarry with Annie. That's what it was.

The second act, you become Daddy Warbucks. Hey, I gotta retell this story, because I told it to you. This was a classic New York moment, and why I'm enjoying being in this city, aside from the fact that my lovely wife is here, and this is the greatest thing ever. I go to my favorite coffee shop.

I'm like, hey ladies. They're like, hi old guy. The usual, I'm like, hey ladies, they're like, hey old guy. The usual, I'm like, you got it, toots, right? I'm grandfathered in, I can still call young women toots. Hey old guy. So everybody's inside, right? So I go outside, it's raining a little bit. That's probably how I caught this fucking cold.

I don't like drinking coffee inside. I like being outside. Like, remember those old Grape Nuts commercials? There was always that good looking white guy in the impossibly white bathrobe out on the back, his treehouse back porch, looking at a bear, bear looking at him, you know? The bear's like, hey man, normally I would fuck with you,

but you're eating Grape Nuts, so I'm just gonna keep it moving, right? You got that fiber running through you. You got that fiber running through you, You got that fiber running through you, and this grizzly bear wants no part of it, right? So I'm sitting outside and I'm drinking my coffee. Oh no, it wasn't raining that day, it was actually nice out, and I was just sitting

and I was enjoying it, watching the people go by. There's this older black dude that comes by every single day at the same time, like dressed to the nines, like two-tone shoes, the whole fucking thing. The kind of old man you wanna be where you still care about fashion, you know what I mean? Still looking cool.

And anyway, I'm sitting there and this car pulls up. This Asian dude gets out with this other guy and the guy is like screaming into the phone. Don't do it. Why? Don't. phone. Don't do it. Why? Don't. Why? Don't do that part.

Why? He was screaming really loud on the phone. He was screaming, he was. He was, why are you killing the joke? It was funny. He goes like this. I'm telling you. He was on the phone, he was speaking his language.

I don't know what it was, but he was going like, Ming-ing-ow, yada-dada-dada. Fucking super loud. Like some real stressful shit was happening. I don't know what I was thinking. I was really quiet till he got there. So I thought he was thinking, I just went, buddy, buddy, buddy.

And then in perfect English, he goes, oh, I'm sorry. And then he took like, he walked like three feet over and then goes, Ming yin yao, yin yin yao, yin yin yao, yin yin yao, yin yin yao, yin yin yin yao, yin yin yao, and I just laughed at myself, going, you know, at least he made an effort, you you know, but then I was because I've been learning French You know and listening to shit like I do what you do Well, you're looking at body language and I kind of figured out the whole scenario. I was like this guy was remodeling

Something what a unit or something in this fucking building right next door to the coffee shop Something was wrong. He was the money behind it. He had his project manager with him, so he was fucking yelling at this guy. It didn't seem like a today problem. It sounded like in three days, that fucking SubZero fridge better fucking be here. You determined all that because you've been taking French

on an app on your phone? The way he was doing, yes. No, no, no, not the app just I've been watching movies and all of that I've been trying not to watch the subtitles. Okay, so I was able to figure out baby Yeah, he was he was running. He wasn't the project manager He was the money his project manager was standing there project manager told him something And he goes what the fuck you know it's gonna put that's what I think was going on But it was just funny to me that he was yelling like right there and I said he

went oh I'm sorry super polite and then walk like three feet over and then started yelling again and also because he did that how quickly he did it and how not far away he moved from me I was able to understand the importance of the conversation that he was having see look at that you were all worried about my fucking impression so there we go, Nia. What's the next joke that I'm going to do? And you're going to be like, see, I literally just said, I literally just said, you don't do my material and you're like, you're right.

You're right. Unbelievable, Nia. Oh my God. I think they understand why I cautioned you in this particular incident. Oh, do they? Now you're speaking for my listeners? Your ego is out of control. You know what, Nia?

This podcast will be listened to for generations. Studied for generations as to why. That's my favorite fucking... This is it. See? See? She just did it. Well, my favorite...

What I love about it is that he's trying to trash me, but he's making me ridiculously more important than I would ever be. That my fall off would be studied for generations like I led a nation into ruin. Well, you're definitely going to be studied for generations. I agree with that. They're going to do, after you've gone, they're going to do some sort of documentary about you. They're going to talk about your impact.

I 100% believe that to be true. I just don't know that's not gonna happen. You don't think so? No, I think so Um, I think there's more interesting things that are going on I think what they're gonna be studying right now is how the fuck this idiot became president and is sending the National Guardian To to fucking pull these families apart to fucking pull these families apart. Horrible, absolutely horrible. Fucking ridiculous. And this is my fucking thing. These fucking billionaires keep fooling my people, whitey,

that these people that have no money, can't even vote, are the reason why you can't afford a house. And then meanwhile, it's like, I'm a billionaire, and you're gonna work for me full-time for a whole fucking month, and you're not gonna be able to make your rent. But the problem is undocumented immigrants who don't make any fucking money.

They're taking the American dream for you, not me, who can run a failing fucking company and still give himself a fucking eight figure bonus at the end of the year. Like all of those CEOs, like that fucking guy, I always give that example, that guy signs on signs on with Starbucks, and one of his first moves is he gives himself a $125 million signing bonus, and his fucking employees don't even have dental insurance.

Wow. It's like how do you, yeah, they do it all the fucking time. And it's a bunch of white guys. It's a bunch of white guys, but for, I mean, they are at the heart of the matter. They are, we us, but so that the heart of the matter They are we are you are at the heart of the mess. Yes, it all circles back See what bunch of white guys if you really break it down Yes, it does But what you're seeing is and it's not because white people are inherently evil what you're seeing is human beings with unchecked power

This is what happens around the globe if If you get anybody, whoever the fuck they are. Remember that fucking broad over there in the Philippines or something? Had unchecked power and all of a sudden she had like 40 million pairs of shoes. And Mel DeMarcos. She was completely out of control. Out of control.

Out of control. When are you gonna wrap this up so we can go get brunch? That pesto in your omelet? Maybe what am I gonna wrap this up? This is what, you do this to yourself. I told Nia before I gonna wrap this up? This is what you do this to yourself I told me before I got on this I said I'm just gonna do a 15-minute podcast today because I want to hang out with you And then what do you do you come on here and you make both announcements going? He's not gonna fucking do a long podcast and then you go when are you gonna wrap this up?

I'm trying to defend you for these fucking trolls and all you're doing is digging the hole deeper. Oh, fuck. What is wrong with you? I don't know. I'm sorry. No, you're not. You're fucking... I'm so happy to be here with you. I only have three more weeks, dude. I only have three more weeks, and then we're back together.

Yes. The most fun couple that ever fucking rode across the fucking prairie of a relationship. I don't know. Yeah, there you go. Is that perfect? All right, yeah. Why don't you go get yourself dolled up, you know, put on something that will impress me. Okay.

Oh, yes. Jesus. Oh, ho, the Wells Fargo wagon is a coming at you. That's the only musical I know because I auditioned for it in the fifth grade. I didn't get it. You guys should see how handsome Bill looks last night when we went's the only musical I know. Because I auditioned for it in the fifth grade and I didn't get it. You guys should see how handsome Bill looks last night when we went to the Tony's after party. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I look like I sold cell phones. Why was I, my star search shirt. You look great. You look really great. Coming up next. Anyway, what else did I want to talk about? Oh yeah, there was a couple of shows closed this week. Othello's done.

I never got to see that. I blew it. I know. Good night and good luck. I did see that. Shout out to Alana Glazier. She did Broadway. She's so awesome.

The chick from Broad City. The broad from Broad City. The broad from Broad City did Broadway. She's so awesome. The chick from Broad City. The broad from Broadway. The broad from Broad City did Broadway. So what's on your agenda today, Nia? Well, um... Interesting. We'll be right back. No.

What is it? No, I was thinking we'd go out to eat and we could walk around, but I don't know, your voice, well, my voice sounds crazy too, but we were out till like 2 a.m. But we can go get something to eat, but you do have a show tonight, so I don't want to do too much. I feel like we need to take care. No, no, I'm all right. You need to maybe try to take a nap

or something like that, you know? Because it's your birthday tomorrow. First of all, don't tell me what I need. I am in tune with... Who's that thing? Rachel sent me that video. That guy said, not dating anyone, not finding people being able to find a mate. That's on your level

He goes text me single and I'll help you out They still want based on the fact he wants to go out and go fuck a bunch of single women. I don't know. I think that was for guys. I think he was probably like, you know, going to try to sell them some ebook on how to... Oh, that's the money. That's the money part of it. And then it slides into the Manosphere and it becomes like that shit.

Well, I don't know what you just said, but I'm sure... You don't know what the Manosphere is? Listen, I have an aviation degree in the private pilot sector. It's definitely not that. And yeah, I remember the tropopause, I remember the stratosphere, I don't remember the manosphere.

You know what, the manosphere would be like, I have a pilot's license and et cetera, et cetera, therefore, like, women should wanna be with me. And if they don't, they're a bunch of cunt bitches, and all they want is a bunch of chads. It's like, Incel, Andrew Tate, like, loser guys on- Oh, I can't land the P. I can't land the P, so it's their fault.

Yes, it is. Yeah. And all these chads, like, they just want a bunch of chads, these dumb whores. Well, let me ask you this. Hey, wait a second, Nia. You're here. You have a vagina.

I sure do. All right. Let me ask you this. Hey, wait a second. You're here. You have a vagina. I sure do. All right Let me ask you this Why don't you get why don't let's see if you can you can you can? Penetrate the manosphere Why don't you why don't you give maybe there's an incel listening right now before he goes down the road of Becoming a mass shooter because he doesn't know how to get laid and then it becomes everybody else's fault that's out there fucking having a good time.

How does he make the step toward actual human contact with something he's sort of attracted to? human contact with something he's sort of attracted to. Say hello, listen, and pay attention to body language and vibes. And if it's not like a, oh hi, how are you? How's your day? Oh, my day is good, what are you up to today? If it's not that, move on. Let it go, don't internalize it.

What's a good first step? Don't make it every single woman, hello. Literally that, it's just hello. I feel like I'm one of those, hello. And then I look at the camera, I like that. Yeah. She's just not that into you. It's just a hello.

That's really all it is. Hi, hi. You know what's hilarious? Yeah, great, thank you. And if she walks away, that's it. Obviously don't follow and be like, so I was hoping I, like you gotta read. Fucking bitch. Yeah, great. Thank you. And if she walks away, that's it. Obviously don't follow and be like so I was hoping I like you got a Yeah, exactly. Do you know how long it took me to figure that out? What do you mean? Hello? Just saying hello. Yeah

It took me I think to into my 50s What? Been together since you were 30 35. No, but I'm just talking about not being a fucking wallflower and actually making small talk and shit, which I do all the time now, which I never used to. I just realized, no, I thought I had to achieve all of these things for people to like me. And then somewhere along the line,

I just sort of looked back going like, you know, all I really needed to do was say hello. I was a good looking guy, I was a funny guy. And I was like, I need to do this and then become a comedian and sell a bunch of tickets. And then people, it wasn't even just women, it was just everyone will like me and people will stop fucking with me.

And then sometime in my 50s, I was kinda being like, coming out of my shell finally and I was like, oh, all I had to do was say hello. What do you know? What do you know? Yep. What do you know? I still did all right though. I think so.

I think I did real well. Yeah, I agree. You big jerk. You big dummy. How come I love you even more? Why is that? I know, because. You're supposed to say I love you even more.

You didn't. F and B, and then I just walk out. Billy Insel. I like that character. Oh God, Billy Insel. Yes, Billy Insel. Please like that character. Oh God, Billy Insel. Yes, Billy Insel. Please don't develop that. Huh?

No, wait. Oh look, look, see? She's saying what he can develop. No, no, no, do it. Do whatever your heart's desire when it comes to your comedy. I have no say in it whatsoever. No, but let's talk about this right now. This is what happens.

I say shit around the house, and then she fucking laughs, and then I get a look on my face, and she goes, don't do that on stage. Don't do that on stage. But she does it out of like a protective thing. Like, because I don't want you to get in trouble. But then this is my thing though. I've never told you this.

Whenever you say, don't do that on stage, I'm like, I'm fucking doing that on stage because. I didn't notice. No, because then I know, I know it's like... No, you did this thing one time we were in the kitchen and I said something so fucked up. You literally put your hand over your mouth and it's like 30 seconds you tried to hold it in and then you ran out of the room laughing. And you're my favorite person in the world to make laugh.

And then when you came back and I was just going, what, it was funny, it was funny. And then you said something, you just would, you had like tears in your eyes and said, it was funny, but you can't say that. That's the thing, I just want, I want you to not get canceled if I'm being honest. Like that's always what I want.

I think getting canceled is over now with what the Tesla guy and the reality show guy have just been this overtly fucking. Racist, anti-Semitic, all of this type of stuff. Those two guys are the biggest fucking ball is sack cowards ever. And this is not like a political opinion I'm not trashing Republican Party. I'm talking about those two fucking guys what they go after They just prey on the on on the powerless. It's fucking they blame It's so funny now that they broke up and they're having this mean girl spat

Everybody I know has been saying like yeah, he's like, um, he went to Epstein Island. It's like, well, well, when did you know that? Yeah, you knew that. Yeah, you knew that all the time and he didn't fucking say anything. This guy, this guy fucks 12 year olds. It's like, well, you fucking knew that before and you went to work with them. Exactly. So it's a little too late, but every also everyone knew that everyone knew that he was friends with Jeffrey Epstein. He's not dropping anything that is in any way new information. Like that has been out there.

Jeffrey Epstein was friends with a lot of people. A lot of like famous rich people in New York, including Donald Trump. So why is he now being like, you went to Epstein Island, you know, hmm emoji. Like shut the fuck up, you fucking weirdo. With your broken dick from your botched dick surgery. Yeah, Nia, that has not been confirmed.

How would we confirm that? I don't know. Ask one of his 18 baby mamas. Oh my God. Isn't that hilarious? Exactly, exactly. Isn't that hilarious? Exactly.

Well, it's no cake, cause he can afford it. And how does he afford it, by not paying his employees exactly and paying a senior right there that have them too because a lot of them weren't even carried naturally so you go near not that surrogacy is bad but like please he was on this whole thing about like the end of civilization and so that's why people need to have a bunch of he wasn't on that he was he was on drugs which is a whole like white supremacist thing anyway you know what's so funny about that guy wait a minute have more white babies like here's one for you the guy was an immigrant he was on drugs and he impregnated

like 14 different women oh my god like he's the one that should be in the cage. Yeah. They should be getting him the fuck out of the country. Oh my God. I think we figured something out. We figured it out. Well, I have a zoom call here coming up. I had such a good. I want to say on your podcast, happy birthday, honey. Oh, thank you. I have celebrated how many birthdays with you? 21, 22 birthdays with you? 22 birthdays. 22 birthdays we celebrated together. That is so amazing. Look at us.

It's making me sad how fast it's going by. I know. You know what I mean? It really did go by so fast. No, you know what's fucked up? Like the moment we met, but now. What's fucked up is now, like how much more we know ourselves so we get

along better. I always think like, I wish I knew that stuff then. It literally takes a lifetime to get to really know somebody. So here we are. Still standing. I know enough about you. Yeah. All right.

Still gonna, you know, control your career. Tell me what to say. Tell me what to say on stage. I mean, you can hear it. You can hear my voice. I'm afraid to say things in front of you. Yup, you have to run everything. Like earlier when you told me not to do that joke and I did it anyway.

And see, and see, this is the thing. If there's anything that's true is that maybe I do try to stop Bill from himself because I'm worried that he's gonna get in trouble. He does it anyway and he still comes out on top. What about when we were waiting for the fucking table yesterday and you thought I was gonna get upset? So you're like, Bill, why don't you go over there and go sit down?

She talks to me like a rescue dog. I'm always trying to manage him. I'm always trying to like handle him because I'm worried that he's gonna like. I'm gonna flip out. Flip out. But by man. But I'm not doing that anymore.

Okay. I've decided that I'm not doing that anymore. I'm just gonna let you have whatever emotions you're having. No, you were trying to keep me calm. Yes, I was. And why was that? Because I knew you were gonna flip out.

And why is that? Because we were waiting too long for the food. And why were we waiting too long for the food? Because I decided to go to a place. And where did you find that place? On Instagram? Yes, those fucking Instagram places. It's gonna be fucking, fucking a line of 40 white people

dressing like they don't have money, standing in front of us like, Did you like it? Oh my God, you guys, you have got to go. I love that. Run, don't walk. run, don't walk. We waited 20 minutes, but it was totally worth it. Did you like the food?

The food was amazing. It was definitely amazing, it was worth it. Did I want to have that food for breakfast? No. It was three o'clock in the afternoon. I know, I know, we stayed out late. We stayed out late. Oh my god.

Oh my god, Ron Noon. Don't want to love this hidden gem. And then they just- That everybody already knows about. And then I'm going to stand here and take a picture with a fucking donut that they fucking put, I don't know, they mashed up something else. Anyway, all right, this silk robe. Okay, I have to wrap this up

because I immediately go into a Zoom. I will make up this time. I always make up the time. What do I got here? Oh my God, I got, oh my God. I have to do the fucking read real quick. Shit, all right, hang on a second. All right, oh, look what it is, everybody.

It's hymns if erectile dysfunction is getting you down. You get it, Nia it is, everybody. It's HIMS, if erectile dysfunction is getting you down. You get it, Nia? Getting you down. You need HIMS to help get your confidence back and other things. HIMS provides access to treatments that can help you stay hard and last longer. So you can be ready whenever the mood strikes.

HIMS is changing men's healthcare by providing you with access to affordable sexual health treatments from the comfort of your couch. HIMS provides access to a range of doctor-trusted erectile dysfunction treatments like chewable tablets, Viagra, Cialis, and their generics for up to 95% less. The process is 100% online,

so there's no need for uncomfortable doctor visits. Just fill out an intake form on their site and a medical provider will determine the right treatment option if prescribed. Your medication ships directly to you for free. No insurance is needed and one low price covers everything from treatments to ongoing care. With hundreds of thousands of trusted subscribers, HIMS can help you find the erectile dysfunction option that works for you. Start your free online visit today at hims.com slash burr.

That's H-I-M-S dot com slash burr for your personalized erectile dysfunction treatment option. HIMS dot com slash burr. The featured products included, the featured products include compound products which are not approved nor verified for safety effectiveness as quality by the FDA prescription required. See website for details, restrictions and important safety information. Price varies based on product and subscription plan.

All right, that's the half of podcast. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I will check in on ya on Thursday.