Monday Morning Podcast - Bob Odenkirk | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-16-26

Episode Date: April 16, 2026

Bill rambles with the great Bob Odenkirk about his new movie 'Normal', their time together on Broadway, and classic action movies.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(51:13) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback - 4-16-18 - Bill rambles about taxes, Syria, and not being a rat.Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Carrtoons - Action (ft. DJ Jazzy Jeff)Vinyl Moon: For a limited time, Monday Morning Podcast listeners can get this limited edition record of my favorite ad reads for FREE when they join Vinyl Moon with a 3 month or longer membership. Head to http://VinylMoon.co/BURR for more info about club details and to get your free, limited edition record from yours truly.Normal: A double-barreled shotgun blast of pure mayhem. Starring Bob Odenkirk, Henry Winkler, and Lena Headey. See it only in theaters starting April 17.Quo: Calls, texts, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details all live in one clean view. Try Quo for free and get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to http://www.Quo.com/BURRPolicy Genius: Get free quote on life insurance by going to http://www.PolicyGenius.com/BURRSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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No. Cool, man. Do you want me to cut any of that out of the intro? Was that too nice? No, no, it's all great. I just was double, triple checking because it says Monday morning podcast. People don't usually put a day on their thing because they wanted to live in this world of just like, when did that happen?

Did that just happen? For years, people aren't sure. Did I miss that? Oh, well, I've been podcasting before people figured out the smart way to do it. Oh, yeah. And what I like about my little mom in pop store in the podcasting world says I haven't really changed it. Yeah. I was a shithead in the 2000s when I did it last decade.

And now the production value with the guests has gone up. Oh, yeah. But I still just, I just do it in my office. Yeah. With a little microphone on the thing. I never did the whole, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah. You never like tried to build it out into like.

Well, I didn't get in this business to work. I got in this business because I had jobs. Right. I was in the real world. It's hard. Working is hard. But like screwing around. Yeah. Yeah. I figured. It's crazy how this big this has become. I think people need it. You know, my son wrote a TV show and it's just a family sitting around sort of bothering each other. That's all it is. They never leave the living room and it's brilliant. And everybody's, you know, who's reading it is really loving it. And I said today, because we were talking to a production company that wants to help us make it happen. And I said, I hesitated to say this, but I was like, it's kind of like a podcast. And they were like, it is. It is. Yeah, because you're just like right there with the people.

And they're just talking to each other. And you're like part of their conversation. It's like intimate. And like, why do people? No, but why do people love this so much? Because I love it too. I love podcasts. I'm popping into Conan's all the time and yours and just all of them.

Well, those people that you were talking to love it because of the idea of the money. Because it's inexpensive to shoot. You know, the guys at the top got like $100 million deals. So it was kind of like when we were doing stand-up in the 90s when after like Cosby, Roseanne and then Seinfeld went to syndication. Right. And then Ray and Kevin James had their show. They just started, you know, talk about your family.

They got to see the show. So, like, they were all, like, the dream became get a comedian that can get on a sitcom, and it goes, you know. It was so crazy. Do you remember all those? I don't even want to name them, but there were so many misfires because it was just like. Yeah, Odin Kirk on ABC. I didn't have the name. What would they do with my family?

What would they do? They'd say, your wife is Jewish, so your kids are going to go to a Jewish school. And you're a knock-around guy from Chicago. Or what would they do? They say, yeah, like, you're a comedy writer. Hey, it's Dick Van Dyke show, you know? Yeah, so now I... And crazy shit happens because you've got comedy people coming over all the time.

Your comedy friends are your pals, the people you write for. But you're starting to try to progress because now you're married and they're still single, so your wife as much as she likes those comedians. And what would yours be? Oh. Mine, I, dude, I tried. I did that. I did the industry showcases. He took a run at that?

Oh, I tucked my shirt in and looked like I was ready to do Star Search, and they just, I remember this one lady said, he's funny, but he has a weird look. And that was code for redheaded males or not the lead in anything. It was like an unwritten rule. So my wife actually did this. She's a manager now and a producer now, but she was young. She was scouting talent for exactly what we're talking about. and she was working for some producers.

She saw Ray Romano. She said, you got to see this guy. He's great. I mean, he's built for this world. And they saw him and said that he's got a weird voice. Won't work. Yeah. No, that's what they...

You know what I love about Ray, too? Ray is like he's as good an actor as he has a comedian. Yeah, yeah. And just watching him going from, you know, because they would just pluck you out of a comedy club and all of a sudden, you know, you're with all these seasoned actors and stuff, and you watched him go from the first season of that to all of a sudden. Remember that show Vinyl?

He was great on that. Yeah. Men of a certain age. Yeah. And he had this whole other, like, dramatic side. They're always surprised. I'm not going to name things, but I've seen him in things that weren't good, but he's still good. Which I think is like the sort of the benchmark of, like, when you as an actor can be good

in something that isn't working. Yeah. Well, I, you know that movie that famously. bad movie The Room? No. Do you know what? Oh, oh, oh, that guy. It's like terrible.

Oh, the guy with a weird accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, hi, Mark. Yeah, so they asked me to do it as a charity, make the film and any money they may go to this actor's home, you know, whatever, hospice home or whatever. I said, sure, I'd love a shot at it because I would like to try to make it work. I would like a shot at this terrible dialogue done exactly as written,

including all his weird laughs because he likes. laughs all the time when he plays the character. He says this odd, strange, kind of like neutralized, like laugh. You guys who don't know, it's all cut up on YouTube. It's one of the classic, what is it? It's so bad it's good. You just sit and watch. Yeah, and so we did run at it.

I don't know if it'll ever see the light of day, but I really tried. I like tried to come up with the logic. A lot of times what it is is you have to take a, a lot of thinking moments because his character would say things that didn't connect from one thought to the next. So if you put thinking in between those two, gosh, I'm, gosh, I'm tired. Oh, I love you, Lisa. Yeah. But if you put a big moment in there, God, I'm tired.

I love you, Lisa. And you just take a moment to get to that other thought, get to that other emotion. you know, maybe you can make it work, but you can't really. But I was more trying. No, but you know it would be funny because that guy's taking so much shit who made it, but then if you actually prove that he did in fact actually have a good movie on his hands, it's just he was the problem. Well, my theory is that the reason people like watching,

because there's lots of bad movies in the world, you can find tons of terribly written, terribly performed things. But the reason it's so fun to watch is because, no matter how off it is your brain and your heart is like I know what he wants me to think I know what he thinks he's doing it's right there

he thinks he's the hero in this moment he thinks he's selling me this you can feel it it's right under the surface and so it keeps you engaged that's my theory yeah it's there's a horror movie that I've seen clips of

and it's one of the great awful shots Yeah. And I can't remember what the dialogue is, but it's like, and then you're going to come and you're going to kill everybody. And they like zoom in on his mouth like, ah! Because he wants the crowd to be thinking like, well, yeah. Right, right. It's when it's fun when it's, whether it's, you could say it's close enough or whether the intention is palpable enough that you know what's, you know how far short. It's falling.

Right. It's not fun if you can't feel it. But every movie, what some people don't know, every movie, the first, when you first go to assemble it, it looks like the worst movie ever. And then you just have to keep going and going and going. It's the worst feeling in the world. It's always the worst because you cut the scenes together and those kind of work. And you're like, I think we got, I don't know, might be Godfather too here. I got to say, I've only seen five scenes, but they're all great.

And then you cut them together and it's just. the worst. Yeah, it's garbage. Because nothing, it doesn't flow at all. And it's like sad. It's really a bummer. Worse is when, the worst thing is when the director calls you from editing and they go, it's really good.

I'm sorry, I can't say it. It's really good. And then you go in and you're like, oh, fuck. What are we going to do now? Because he thinks it's good. And it ain't good. No. But I haven't had too many.

any problems like that, but... Is he just saying that? No, because they're excited. It's because it's a weird thing of like, man, those images really took to the film. Like, the film camera really captured my face and my... It's like they're so excited about just the notion that we shot it, and now you can watch it. Can you believe it? Yeah, it's called movies.

I had a guy one time was making some merch for me for this tour, and I came down to look at it. And it wasn't good. But before I could say anything, he just like, it was a T-shirt. He just puts it down. He goes, yeah, huh? Rad, right? Sick. And he was doing that.

And, like, he just, he pushed it so far that way that I'm trying to be like, no, no, no. I mean, you put the things on the T-shirt that I wanted, but the way it's just. No, no, it's rad and sick. Yeah, huh? Killer. Whoa. He's like commenting on his own shit. It was very bizarre.

And that was, yeah, very eggshell trying to get him to get it where it needed to be. We got there. But I think when people do that, they're, like, they're insecure. And I just think from the very beginning, it just looked so bad. That was like the best when I did efforts for family. And I did that show with Mike Price from The Simpsons. And he was so seasoned, having done all the Simpsons. So the first animatic I saw, like my jaw was on the ground.

And he goes, no, no, no, no, no. He goes, it's always this bad. When the Simpsons episode's coming, this is how bad it looks. And he's just going to get it there. Because at that point, it's literally like stick figures almost. I don't know if you've ever done. I did, yeah, I did the Incredibles that film. Oh, okay.

Incredibles too. And you did, it was animatic rough for numerous. It's amazing how much they changed their script. It's unbelievable. They rewrite the whole thing numerous times when they do those Pixar movies. It's crazy. Well, tell me about this. Oh, normal.

This new one that you have. Got a fun movie coming out. It's crazy. It's bonkers. This guy Derek Kolstad wrote it. He wrote John Wick. He wrote Nobody. He had this story bill.

And he showed me a couple stories. And he writes action films. He loves action films. And so his stories tend to be like, shit just. happens. It just starts. It's just like action starts and it just gets bigger and bigger the whole way. And like that's a lot of action movies. I mean, that's, um, I grew up on us. That's what they should be, but not for me because I don't really think I'm selling the action. I mean, I do ultimately sell the action when I get to it, but I have to do the character. I mean, I have to play a person and you

have to kind of be, why you smile? It's got to be ground. No, because I miss working with you. And so I miss working with you Because I watched you do like I got to people saw you on stage But I got to watch you from day one Yeah In the rehearsals doing Shelly Levine You know Bill I was so off balance

Doing that thing when we started It took me weeks to feel confident And you helped me a lot Kieran helped me a lot Oh you guys were great Was like kind of amazing Like his like push back on the direction And the variety of

I just never going like, we need you off book by Friday. It's like, it's not going to happen. Because he was in the middle of about to win an Oscar. He was on the promotion. He's like, yeah, I'm not going to be. Yeah, yeah. And like, what are you going to say at that point? It's just like this kid's about ready to win an Oscar.

I think he knows what he's doing. We're still a month out. We'll be fine. But his willingness. But that was also like that shouldn't have been like a public conversation in front of all of us. But I'd say about week three was when I saw you. when you did that thing where you

impersonated the director you remember that? Oh, was it when he went in like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a big turning point for me because I was like, you and I went into you and I entered into that thing kind of the same. We were both like, hey man, I don't

know Broadway. Kind of don't know if I belong here at all but I'm just going to do my best and I'm going to listen to you. I'm going to be open-minded. I'm going to to give it everything I got. Very humble, really. And but when you got pushed to that point and you just started being stupid and pushing back, I was like, I think maybe Bill's right here.

I think we got to hold our ground and just know what we know. No, but Patrick, the director, he did stand up, so I knew he could handle break. And he broke my balls and everything. I love that guy. Yeah. Because he was, you know,

I don't know. We were dragon ass one day and he called us on it. Yeah. Yeah. You know, he's doing it again in London. He's doing what? Glenn Gary? Yeah. Oh, wow. Like he planned, just like he planned. Remember the plan to do, I don't know if I should say it because I don't want to give away his cool thing. So. No, we can cut that part out. No, no, you can leave that in, but I won't go further. Anyhow, it was, I was really off balance and it took me a while to find my, my, my, confidence on that stage. But I love that. I love that. I had a great part in that play.

Fuck you. That's what I'm saying, was my favorite. You were fucking great, Bill. I love what you said. Fuck you. That's what I'm saying. That is the funniest shit ever.

Fuck you. That's what I'm saying. You know, goddamn. Because he was taking away the glory of your sale. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Fuck you.

Like some of the lines in that. Yeah. And. And then I got to do my opening scene with Michael McKeon. And like... That scene, man. Nothing. The hardest part about that scene for the first few weeks is sitting across from him

and not getting out of my head going, that's fucking Michael McKeon. I was like, oh, shit. And then I would find myself watching him going like, God, look at, look. Oh, man, I love that he just did that. I'm like, oh, fuck, it's my line. You can't be doing that. Yeah, yeah. No, he saved me.

I've told this story. before in the podcast, but the funniest time, he saved me. They called going into the white room when you can't remember your lines. And I don't know. I just got, I got turned around because there was this thing. I always said it was two donuts in the parking lot and then you left. It's sort of like, you know, they killed the goose. I go into that twice.

Right. So I would get, which one am I doing right now? Did I already say it now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got lost in that shit. And coming up, I had this line. Oh, fuck, I can't even remember. the lines anymore. It was, yeah,

something, whatever, and I go, it gets me depressed at my age to see a goddamn, someone wins the Cadillac that this month, P.S. Two guys are getting fucked, so I couldn't remember where the fuck I was. And we were just improv and back and forth. And then Michael Fine looks at me and he goes, does it make you depressed? Like, he literally, he literally fed me my line.

And I'm like, yeah, my age to see a goddamn. I was like, oh my God. But, dude, we... It's sort of a great burdener does. Yeah, and we laughed. We fucking laughed the whole elevator ride. We didn't even have to talk about it. Like, we walked off state, you know, they went black, and we were already laughing, and we got in the elevator. We just laughed the whole way down.

And I was saying, I'm sorry. He goes, no, man, it happens. It happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. People saved me. I can't remember what it was, but you guys would save me here or there. That opening scene, I was kind of, that was just difficult. But we just save each other when you're in those shows.

And the great thing about Mamet is he repeats stuff so much that the audience cannot tell that you got lost. They can't tell. I know, but it's that repeating shit that gets you lost. That gets you lost. But at the same time, you can't go wrong if you just say fuck, fuck, fuck. You probably hit on the word. You know, it's funny, when we were doing it, I was like, Jesus Christ, like, this is like,

this is like going on for a long. time or whatever. Now it just feels like it was like a blip. And I feel like it took me like four months to finally look back on it. I felt like. I really learned doing that play why you get two days off a week. Because the first day is just decompressing. And then the second day is relaxing. And then you go back to work. But all you did was you decompressed for one day. And you went right back to work. Right into it. You didn't have a, you didn't enjoy that decompression at all. And I just love how they try to do the math. Yeah.

Well, you get off at like 10 o'clock Saturday, and then you don't have to come back till 7 on Monday, which wasn't true. You had to come back 6.30. It's just like, so that's kind of like two days off. It's like, no, it isn't.

The day off is I'm not working today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, yeah. It was rough. It's a tough schedule. It's mentally. But I would still take it over, like, you know, some of the, all the physical jobs

that I, especially my age now, but like landscaping. I was a grunt on construction. sites or whatever even just like you know fucking washing dishes in a restaurant like when you gotta clean the grease trap do that's just something you will never

just makes you gag even thinking about it like so that's what I always think about whenever I'm in one of these stupid showbiz like you know grinding your brain down thing they sent too small a car for me fuck this car no my thing I was in first class the other day

because I'm doing this promo tour and you know I don't buy a first class ticket for myself my wife would never allow it. Oh, okay. The fucking... You gotta treat yourself. No, no, no.

It's not important. You get in a metal tube and you get out two hours later and you're in where you want to be. No, dude. I remember one time I was flying and there was a guy, a huge dude and he had the middle seat and he was trying to be less huge and it was like this and like his... That's nice of him. His lat. Yeah, right. The joke, I think I did it on a corner.

I was sitting next to him and behind him at the same time. Like, I had to be like out in the aisle. Yeah, and it's just, yeah, I can't. I can't do that anymore. But all first classes is they treat you like a human being. Right. There's nothing else going on up there. Yeah, that's a good point.

Yeah. They give you a seat you can actually fit in. Yeah. Right, right. They bring you some water. You know, it's kind of like. But yeah, sometimes we get a little pampered and we got to remember what it's like to really have a job to really work. That's what I do.

I just think like, okay, as much as this is grinding me down, was it worse than being on a roof in fucking July as a redhead? There was just like, dude, I remember when I had that job, I could not consume enough calories. I was just eating sandwiches and sandwiches and sandwiches. I was just, I was starving. How long were you a roofer? Fucking lasted eight days, dude. Yeah, yeah. Eight days.

But one of the reason why I'm successful is I know what I'm not good at. and it was like, I'm smart enough that if you taught me construction, eventually I would know, but I didn't have a gift, you know what I mean? And I played drums for a little bit, and I would go to the music store, and I would just see some five, six-year-old kid who I could play drums better, but they were already expressing themselves. And I'm like, that's what the gift looks like. I don't have that.

I'm like, I'm a music fan. And then when I did stand-up, you know, I obviously learned from people, but that was the first time I did something. It just felt right. Yeah, where I felt like, I just, I could just kind of go off, like if you were drawn, you could just sort of doodle and eventually figure it out. All right, everybody, this is kind of exciting. Billy Old School, Billy Analog.

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All right, normal. From the creator of John Wick and Nobody comes the new movie, Normal, a double-barreled shotgun blast of pure mayhem. For Sheriff Ulysses, played by Bob Odenkirk, a new job as temporary sheriff in the quaint town of Normal, Minnesota, was meant to be a welcome respite from recent troubles. When a botched bank robbery interrupts the piece, a dark secret is exposed, and Ulysses discovers that the town is anything but its namesake. Suddenly, everyone is trying to shoot the sheriff, and he has to rely on his wits and some crooks if he is to survive the night. And that's all before the... Yakuza? Yeah, the Yakuza shows up.

Starring Bob Odenkirk, Henry Winkler, come on, and Lena Headley. Hedy. Fuck. See it only in theaters, starting April 17th. All right, Policy Genius, everybody. You know, it's springtime, and it's time to take stock of the important things you need to do. You know, be nice to your wife. Get rid of her.

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for safety effectiveness or quality prescription required see website for details restrictions and important safety information actual price will depend on the product of the subscription plan quo everybody quo your horse is there it's quo sorry if your business is still running like a game of telephone gone wrong scattered messages miss calls who's handling this i love to give me a quote i can do a little acting there it's time to fix that a modern comm system is like handing your team a GPS instead of a map drawn by a toddler. You know, I don't think it's time to toddler shame. I think there's another way to sell this shit, don't you? Everyone stays a line. These stupid drooling toddlers drawing you a fucking map. Need a pro. You need an adult on his way to prostate cancer to let you know.

Everyone stays a line. Nothing falls through the cracks and at some point you just say, all right, let's fucking quo. And that's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, Q-U-O, the smarter way to run your business. Quo is the number one rated business phone system on G2 with 3,000 reviews built for how modern networks work. That's why more than 90,000 businesses from solo operators to growing teams

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And when you finally get to your hour, and is there any chance that you would fall through a hole in that script or in that plan. Like in a play. I would forget what I was saying? Drop five minutes and go like, is that any issue at all? Because it seems to me when I watch that there's a, however scripted it is, it's in the moment as well. Like it's not the same exact every day.

Yeah, no. So I don't write. Oh. I haven't written in. You just have the list of topics. Yeah. So it's just what I want to talk about. And then I just tell it to the audience.

So I mean, I've been doing that. I can't remember when I stopped writing. Yeah. But I eventually started writing on stage. But, yeah. I don't know. As far as like just going through the whole thing, like I go out and like what I want to be is not thinking anything. Right.

Like I went out. You just want to be present. Yeah. Well, the second show when I was. was in Durham this past weekend. The second show, I came out, and there's two people's faces in the crowd just sent the whole thing in a different direction. And it changed the vibe of the crowd and the whole thing. I just saw them in the front row. And I was like, oh, and then my brain was just like, oh, I'm going to, I'm going to do this joke. And it was a joke that I had been doing further on down

the line. And, you know, when I was younger, I would be afraid like, no, that joke doesn't go there. I need to open with, you've got to open with your second strongest, and then you have your third strongest in the middle joke, and then the strongest one to close. Like I was believing in that. And then after a while, you know, I just started experimenting with like, well, let me see if I can do this. Some nights you literally do your act like backwards a little bit.

Wow. So that's what kind of happened on the second show. Well, it's something that I always sort of equated to like, like whatever, your average Joe. You know, everybody has their getting arrested story or getting their ass kick story or whatever, getting their heartbroken story. You have the story in your head.

They don't have it written down anywhere, but you've told the story enough times you know where the beats are. So it's sort of that philosophy. Do you get comedy from the world around you or is it from a service that you pay for? What do you mean? Do you like a streamer?

Do you like observe the world? world? I used to like... Or do you pay a company, like an AI company, to send you subject? Oh, yeah, and then then I know I do is I do crowdwork with the AI thing, and then I just

post that, and now all of a sudden I'm playing football stadiums. But you have your stories in an order, and you know, Lavelle Crawford. Oh, yeah. God, I love watching him do stand up. And he does, he just, he's just riffing, man. He's just going.

No, he thinks, God, I love that guy. He thinks in bits. I opened for him one time at some, I think it was University of Arkansas. Yeah. And, oh, my, dude, like, he was funny before the show. He was funny during the show. And he was funny. I remember when they were after.

God. And he goes, he goes, ah, thanks a lot, thanks a lot, thanks a lot. And they were all like, and they were all just, it was so funny. They were enamored with him. And he was being mean to them, but they still loved it. Yeah. because he does it in this lovable way. And he goes, you know, the students who booked you,

he goes, they want to come and take a picture with you. And he's like, why? And they go, you know, they just want to see you. And he goes, they just saw me. I just did an hour of stand-up. How many times? Oh, my God, how many times you need so? No, he has like some of the funniest stories.

He told me he was walking through an airport one time. And this family recognized him. Like, oh, my God, we're the biggest fans. Our daughter wants to do stand-up. Can you listen to one of his jokes? Because I really don't want to. And they go, can you just listen to it real quick? And he just goes, all right.

And he's got like his luggage. And she goes, okay, one time he just goes, boom. And the whole family laughed. And he turned around and he walked away. So, yeah, he was one of those guys. I don't know why he thought of him. But you and he had Breaking Bad is just insane that you guys are together there. I learned a lot about acting with that guy.

Oh, yeah? It made me do a different choice. That scene with the Benikey guy. Like when I was rehearsing it, I was all like, yeah, let me tell you something, motherfucker, all this tough guy's shit. And then I just happened to look before we did the scene, I see me standing next to Lavelle. And it's like, oh, I don't need, I don't need to be tough. He sees the ramifications.

Yeah, that guy's through your muscle there. Yeah, and I remember talking to this guy that did security for this big rock band. And I asked him the kind of guy, he gets like tough guys. Those, well, you want guys that are tough, but what you want is guys that de-escalate. Like, the last thing you want to do is bring a lawsuit to the band. Right. So that's, I kind of, I combine those two where it's like, okay, we're in the suburbs and some cul-de-sac. We can't be making a bunch of noise during the day.

There's probably moms or nannies at a home out of here. So you look at, you don't want to give us some money, but you got to give us money because this guy's fucking here. So then there was only one moment where he sort of boxed. I kind of leaned in a little bit just to remind him. Yeah. And that was it. And I sort of learned that thing of like, oh, doing like the opposite thing. Yeah, yeah.

Like rather than playing the obvious. Yeah. And the surface purpose of the character. Yeah, stuff being such a hacky actor, Bill. Yeah, no. You're a great actor. He got great presence. It's great.

And you're so great in that play. I mean, holy shit. That's seen between you and Michael. Listen, Magnolia is going to kill me if I don't finish talking about normal. So I'm going to finish. This is a great fun movie. This is a fun fucking movie. I've shown it to like eight audiences around the country.

I've sat there while they watch it. They get caught up in it. But the reason I liked it, I was saying Derek had written these three outlines, right? This was the only one that had this opening chapter where it's my character. I play a temporary sheriff, not a real thing. And he's at a town that needs, you know, has to elect the new sheriff, but he's going to fill in. and something's funky, something's weird. You're a lame duck sheriff.

I'm a lame duck sheriff. And I'm both aware that something's funny and weird about this town, but I also don't want to know. It's like, I don't want to know about that. That's going to be trouble. I don't want to look at it. And how long are you supposed to be just this temporary guy? Like eight weeks.

And I'm on day one when we join me. So you're just like... And shit goes crazy fast. But I'm trying not to look at this mysterious shit that is around me. Because you don't want the job. Well, there's a story as to why. My character has kind of lost some faith in his own judgment. And bottom line, he's supposed to be here for a few weeks and leave and just don't cause trouble.

Right. So then shit goes off because of. Deus X Machina, the Hand of God. Something goes awry. I'm in. And then it just keeps going off. And I didn't even read this when I read the script, but it just goes to the craziest place. And the violence gets intense and insane.

And it even becomes like a horror film at times. Like, I never saw that in the script. I love that these kinds of movies are coming back. It's like a horror film. So the audience is like, holy shit. Like there's all these moments We're like, whoa! Like they didn't see that coming, and it's intense.

And it's all because of Derek, but it's also this guy, Ben Wheatley, this British director, and these guys just love film the way you love stand-up, the way you love comedy. These guys love action movies and horror films. Well, there's a lot of great action films have come out of England. Yeah. All those lockstock movies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fantastic. Yeah. You know, I just found one. I got a, because I'm always sending you. Yeah, yeah. I was watching some of then-Cain Bronson the other night, by the way. I found the series that you sent me.

And you know what that was? I want to tell you something what that was. That was the right instincts and just not enough support from like the network. Or maybe not enough skills around them, like the people who wrote it, knew what they wanted. And you can tell what they wanted to make. Yeah, because I love the idea, too. The show starts off. It's called...

Then came Bronson. Then came Bronson. It starts off and there's this guy... He's on... Funny, he's on just like this little Honda motorcycle. Yeah. Like, and this guy next to him was like in a suit. They stopped at a red light and he's like in a car.

And he's just asking him like, hey, where are you going? He's like, you know, I don't know. Like just the difference of choices that they made and the guy... It was brilliant. The inspiration for it was brilliant. The tone was brilliant. There wasn't enough good writing in that world for them to learn from. Like nowadays, if you made that show, if someone tried to make a show like that, it would be better.

It just would be. 100%. There's writing around you. You've seen Breaking Bad. You've seen Sopranos. You've seen The Wire. You just write a better show. But back then, all they had to reference regarding that kind of hour-long drama was detective shows.

That's all they had. Big Valley. I guess Big Valley. But, you know, it was a brilliant show. Bill. It was an attempt to take Easy Rider, the vibe of Easy Rider. Oh, yeah. And kind of marry it to something that like a suburban person, dad, could like get into.

With sort of Sons of Anarchy with only one son before the whole thing. But it's this, it was really an attempt to go like, everybody knows what you're pointing to an easy rider. I get it. We all want to feel that way. Get on a fucking, fuck all this. Get on a motorcycle and just drive. And I don't, this. And then 20 minutes later, your ass hurts.

You're like, what fuck am I doing? I should have taken my car. But the adventure of it, which was so much a part of society at that time, everyone was feeling a desire to do that, to get away from the recent past, Vietnam. I feel like that's what's going on right now. Like people like, I can't watch the news anymore. I just can't fucking watch it. I can't watch it.

Like I got there like somewhere in like 10 years ago. So when you were asking me earlier, where I get my ideas and stuff from, like I kind of like just talk about my life and then what people kind of come up to me in a coffee shop, their eyebrows up stuff. Like did you see what? You know, like I just keep hearing all of this stuff that is going on. Right. It's weird to feel like. But here's this movie.

I wanted to tell you about. So there's this movie. what the fuck. Blazing Magnum? It's a Canadian sort of like bullet dirty hairy movie. And they brought...

I don't want to see this. Yeah, and they, well, I think we're going to... I got a little production company on like Friday nights we watch movies and shit. I'll let you know. If you're around, I don't know if you're promoting. I would love to. Yeah, yeah.

So we're going to watch this one. And then there's another movie that Tarantino got the inspiration for Kill Bill from that looks really, really fucking badass. so those are like the next two so we watch like you know cool stuff and then also stuff that could be like that that one

that blazing magnum I mean that there's like how grounded is that going to be you know in the movie trailer there's a blind woman for whatever reason walking towards an open like ceiling to floor window on a skyscraper and then you see her screaming I don't know I'm just like all right this is not going to be too well

I want to see that too soon I just love the balls of that title. That's like blazing magnum. It doesn't get better than that. Yeah. I feel like Dirty Harry Magnum Force came out and blazing saddles had already come out so maybe maybe that was a combination. Well, this film goes to a crazy place. You're going to love this movie and you're

going to especially love the last third where it goes fucking shit house crazy and never stops. And it comes out Friday. It comes out this Friday. This Friday. I hope you will. Well, you're invited to the premiere. I don't know if you want to. tomorrow night you got invited then I'm going

who are your people wait I didn't say yes 100% they did 100% they said yes I hope you'll come dude I came to you last one why wouldn't I go to this one

it's tomorrow night yes if you can make it I understand please come here's the bottom line where is the premier American Legion Hall you know on Coing Good

on Highland you mean Yeah, on Highland. That's where you're showing, you know, legendary that place? Supposedly, they got a great theater there. I've been there before. They redid it so it's nice, but before they redid it, I used to do stand up over there. Dude, it looked like Humphrey Bogart was going to come walking. Yeah, yeah.

And it was one of those things where they were there years ago, too. Yeah, those guys were all veterans. I heard Led Zeppelin one time after doing a show at the forum. Yeah. They came and they were hanging out there. I don't know if they played or anything, but like the people that have been on that stage, it's like Marilyn Monroe era fuck

right yeah yeah yeah that place is and one of the reasons I did this movie normal was because it's like one of those old movies it's even we made a really cool poster

um I'm gonna get can we get one of these for Bill there's nobody here no I want to show you this poster they made off the camera so people thought there's nobody here

um it just reminded me of those just gritty like it's just it's not why is it different from what's made now it's not trying

to be some big four quadrant thing it's just trying to be an awesome little story that just entertainers for its audience yeah you know we showed taking a Pelham one two three not that poster the alt's poster

that's a cool book that looks like an old school movie poster yes And that's what it's meant to look like because this movie is an old school movie. And I got to show you this fucking thing. It's so great. Yeah, here it is. Look at this sort of special poster they made.

What? This is the second old man with the cell phone moment in this podcast. I got one for you. Have you seen the funny or die sketch, long-haired businessman? No. No, what is it? Oh, it's fucking amazing. It's a Zoom call. And all of these guys are wearing suits and whatever reason, they all have, like, long hair.

Yeah. And they're just speaking in that corporate speak. We're going to get our ducks in a row. We're going to circle back and make sure we're firing on all cylinders. And then somebody used the expression. I'm going to go open kimono here. And I remember a long time ago when I was pitching this fucking show. Yeah. And this dude from like, kept using. that expression. And he was not a good looking guy. And he had this big Fred Flintstone head

and not even like a dad. He used that? Dude, and we were like pitching to women. And he was going like, you know, I shouldn't say, I shouldn't have said the name of the agency. But he goes like, yeah, I'm just going to, you know, I'm just going to go open kimono here. And everybody was always like, dude, all you could just picture was his hairy fucking junk. I just, I remember I just kept saying like, dude, you got to stop saying that. We don't need that. Like, people are recoiling. And he's like, I'm trying to get people to start using it. one of these fucking just falling up the flights of stairs of success you're just looking at the guy like right yeah he had like the

intellect of a fucking bouncy house check this out it's kind of like what he was he was like a human bouncy house oh dude can we see that can we can we can we zoom in on that they made that just for us because for fun because it because of the kind of movie it is i also like it because it is well it's got the old school. I know. Old school pistol there. All right.

Well, Friday night. Anyhow. So tomorrow's the premieres, so I'll see you tomorrow night. That's great. At the Legion. I'm a member over there. I'm an honorary member. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. One of the war. The draft Dodger 2000. They have a draft Dodgers room. No. They have a, during that time. They have a conscious objector. Space.

I am in the draft Dodger room. For religious reasons. Yeah. Yeah, I could not be a hero. No, there was just no wars when I was growing up. I cannot help my country. Listen, I had the grades to get drafted. There was just no draft when I was coming out.

Are they bringing that back, by the way, I heard? Talking about it. Well, you know what it is? We don't have an army big enough for the upper 1%'s greed. That's what it is. That's right. That's what it is. But just watch where you tell jokes because that's what they pay attention to.

It's not where they drop the bombs. Right. It's where you go and make people laugh. That's the real problem. You got to keep your eye on the ball ball. We got to get that straight. Yeah. First.

That's the first thing. You get your priorities in a row. You got to keep these fucking stand-up comedians in line. Let these guys skim all the money. We'll get to that. We'll get to the false flag wars. We'll get to those. That was one of the dumbest things I've ever been involved in.

Anyway, I will be there tomorrow night. And I still have to tell you, dude. Like, I, the stuff that you and Kieran were doing from mid-May to the end of June with that fucking play. Yeah. Me and Prerechella, we used to just sit there fucking die and laugh. We used to go downstairs. It was like the second part of the show. And Kieran making John laugh.

What was John's character's name again? Lempke. What was his first name? We'll just say John. He had that line where he would just go, John. And he had his back to the crowd. and then he just started going like John John John and he would just do it

and John had to face the crowd and he would be going with this mustache and shit well I had the most freedom to try to make Kieran laugh and I was right here talking to him and doing the voices when I did it I could never make him laugh unless it's hard to make him laugh I only made him laugh when I would try a new choice

he wasn't ready for but if I actually try to make him laugh Yeah. He was just... He's going to show you. No, he's just like, yeah. Yeah. Like, remember that night that one, that matinee when I played David Moss and the second act I played him as closeted gay? I don't recall.

Well, he couldn't... Well, I was doing all the mannerisms on stage because I didn't want to, you know, disrespect the crowd. Yeah. So I kind of did a few of these and whatever. But I was still doing it as like Dave. And, dude, he just stared... Yeah, yeah. He's not going to give it to you.

Although I got him to go. because I went so far when I did the Southern accent. Oh, you did? What? Ricky here, no, no, Ricky told me about, which, you know, like, don't tell Mamet, I did that. Yeah, I don't know. He didn't say you can't do a Southern accent. He never wrote that into the script.

Listen, I feel like if. The Tony committee sure loved it. If he didn't trust you, he would have been there. That's how I looked at it. That's right. Anyway, normal? Normal. Normal comes out this Friday night.

Old school action movie over the top. If he says it's over the top, because I've seen your nobody movie. So if it's beyond that. It is. That's incredible. It's nuts. All right. Well, it's great to see you, dude.

I miss working with you. So it's fun to even just have this here. Bob Odenkirk, everybody, check out Normal this Friday mass release in theaters. Get out of your goddamn house stuff stared at your phone. All right. Have a great. weekend i'll see you hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the monday morning podcast for monday april 16th 2018 what's going on how how's it going man dude dude you're on

you're on the other side of it huh you paid your taxes you know bum ba da pa bu bu bup bup bu hey take more than i make who the fuck am i i just did the fucking job Let me give it to you, you rich cunt. What are you going to spend it on you, Habedash and douchebag? That's what, you know something? That's what really gets my freckled fucking goat about paying taxes. I got no problem giving these fucking douchebags to money. I get it.

Being a citizen of a country, it's like having a membership. All right? You want those fucking potholes filled? Hey, you want pens and pencils down? at the fucking school? You want the red light and then the green light the light bulbs changed? You got to pay your

fucking taxes. So I don't have a problem with it. The problem I have, though, is when they get more than I get and I did the fucking job. How did you make more off my gig than I did? And I was the guy up there fucking, you know, dancing around.

You know, going down to one knee in the end like fucking Elvis. I'm wrapping up singing his truth is marching on. I don't get that part. I mean, I do get it. I do understand that, you know, we have a lot of expenses in this country. We got a lot of expenses. You know what I mean? We got we got we got 15, we got a 15 year road trip that we're still paying for, right? Going on 16 years. 16 years, a 16 year fucking road trip. I'll tell you what freaked me out. I did the rough and rowdy, which was the fucking one of the great experiences I've had since getting into the business

of show. But in the middle of it, Dan, Big Cat, Cats looked at me and said, we just bombed Syria. And my first thought was not like, oh, my God, we're at war because that's been the natural state for the better part of two fucking decades. My first fucking thought was, how the fuck are we going to afford that? We're going to start another war. And how are we going to pay for this, right? This is like when you're watching your friend at the blackjack table going, dude, you got rent to pay. Come on, it's over. Cards are cold. Let's go back to the room there. You know, someday you want to buy a house. But fortunately, I guess we didn't start a war. This was more like a drive-by. You know, we did a drive-by with France, as far as I can tell, because, you know, before I get in over my head, which I think I already am.

I mean, is there anything better than listening to somebody discuss foreign policy who doesn't even have the decency to watch the news, whatever the fucking news is now? You know, I was reading this article in Rolling Stone. Oh, I read a little bit this week, believe it or not. I read this article in Rolling Stone about Facebook and the influence that it had on news, like inadvertently and all this shit. And how they allegedly have, like when you click on an advertisement on Facebook, like they turn some fucking camera on and they take a picture of your face and they try to read the expression of your face and try to gauge the level of joy that you have to determine

in which ads you're going to see. And the only thing creepier than that to me is people like, dude, what do I care? You know, if they're going to figure out, like, what I want to buy? Just as a fucking, like, human being that doesn't freak you out that's somewhere, you know, I know they're not sitting there looking at it. It's some fucking computer. Dude, it's a computer.

It's not a person. It's an algorithm, dude. I don't know. I just don't see that any of this going anywhere good. All right. And then they're going to like in this fucking unbelievably efficient way get you to buy something else that you don't need. So then you got to throw something else out in your house that then ends up in that swirl of fucking trash. And it's just like it just doesn't need to happen.

So I say that as I just clicked on something the other day about ready to buy yet another snare drum and I'm not even in a band. I don't have any recording sessions coming up. I just, I don't know. I've been trying to walk away from it, but I keep thinking about this snare drum and I don't know. I think I'm part of the problem. Why came up what the fuck I was going to look up? Why? Why?

Did we bomb? Syria? This is how I learned about us. Okay, and I'm going to click on the first thing. The U.S. bomb to punish it for a chemical attack. That's what I thought. U.S. bombing, Syria, and Russia's response. You know, Russia in America, we act like we used to date.

You know what I mean? So then we had a bad breakup. So no matter what anybody, no matter what they do, we're like, oh, you like that. And then they do the same thing. Oh, my God, he's so stupid. I can't believe I wasted time getting to know that person during World War II. The United States, along with Britain. Oh, Britain was there too.

Jolly Good Show. In France, bombed Syria. Does anybody in England ever say Jolly Good Show? I've been to France like two or three times, and I'd never heard anybody go, Oh, ha, ha. All right, bomb Syria on Friday night. Friday night, you know, let's kick the weekend off right. That's bomb Syria.

The decision to strike came one week after Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. That's like a fucking number one draft pick name, like a wide receiver, except for the first name. You know, like Tayshan al-Assad. Dude, the guy ran like a fucking 4-140. We just signed him. I'm telling you right now. Guarantee it. Calling you right now.

Put it on your fantasy team. He's going to get at least 1,500 fucking yards this seat. season. All right, use chemical weapons against civilians outside of Damascus. I believe that's the Capitol, killing at least 42 adults and children. After that attack, President Donald Trump promised to exact a big price on the Assad regime. The U.S. and its allies deliberated a response over the following week. What are we going to do? We're going to, you want a firebomb, economic sanctions, what do you say, three to seven missiles maybe, including one on the outskirts. Okay, and then on Friday night the countries hit three targets, including one on the outskirts of Damascus,

all related to Syria's chemical weapons program, a research center, our storage facility, and an equipment facility, and command post. They said we hit three targets. They just listed three. A four, I mean, research center, a storage facility, and an equipment facility, and command post. Oh, I don't fucking know. The map of Syria shows the targets hit on Friday. The strikes hit at the very hot of Syria's chemical weapon program

and dealt it a serious blow. That's fucking weird, man. So we did that. And, okay, and I guess that makes the world safer. somehow, I have no idea. I don't understand how it gets. But here's my question. All right, because God knows I don't fucking pay attention.

What if Syria somehow poisoned our food supply or cooked our economy, you know? What the fuck would we do? Or started a heroin epidemic. What in this country? What would we do to them? Why don't they do

a drive-by on some of these fucking assholes who are allegedly American? They are American citizens. What the fuck they're doing here. Is that ever going to happen? Fuck no. Because those cunts donate to the politician's campaign funds. So everything they do, it's like it never happened. And then they also advertise on these so-called news networks, so they never talk about this shit, right? But if all freckles goes down and tells the wrong, me too joke, all of a sudden, I get in trouble. This is the world we're living in. I'm going to keep asking questions.

my voice will keep going up higher. You know what serious biggest problem is? It's not that they use chemical weapons. It's that they didn't buy advertising on CNN and Fox before they did it and donated to the standing president, be he a Democrat or a Republican. And I am saying he because there's never been a ho-man as president. And I'll tell you right now, as long as they keep bringing women around like fucking Hillary Clinton, I don't think it's ever going to happen.

Okay? You've got to have some level of warmth to you. You can't come out there with an Al Gore's smile with the fucking, with the Mike Dukakis look on your face, thinking that you're actually going to win it. It has nothing to do with your policy. All right. You got to come out there. You got to look relaxed, you know. You got it.

You got to, you look like you're comfortable. You can't look like you're in way over your fucking head, you know, having that look on your face like, do they like me? Do they really like me? I don't think there was anything more. Donald Trump's scow was as terrifying is Hillary Clinton's that maniacal fucking smile. I was just like, I can't imagine.

Like, just imagine. Imagine you're hanging out with Hillary Clinton and you tell a joke and then she smiles the way she fucking smiled. You would just be like, oh my God, I think this person's going to bury an ice pick into the side of my neck. and then Trump, it would be over there all like, look at that look at his face.

I still can't believe one of them won it. We came down to those two. But we did. But we did. And the comedy ensues. I don't mean, why am I talking about foreign policy for fucking 11 minutes? When you know what I did this weekend? I went to Charlotte, North Carolina.

All right. And I went to the third installment of the bar stool. rough and rowdy, tough man competition. And I'll tell you right, and I don't think I've had that much fun at any fucking show business gig since I can remember. I want to thank David Portnoy

and Dad Katz for letting me sit there or run my yap for four glorious hours, over 40 fights. Dude, somebody would get knocked out and it was just like, get him out of here, and then someone else would go in. And every fight, there was a couple of boring ones. But other than that, every fight was great.

And if it wasn't a great fight, it was a funny fight. Like when you'd get two fatties in there and eventually they would get gassed and the fight would just start going into slow motion. I don't know why I didn't think to start commentating in slow motion. Like slow my, not slow motion, slow my voice down. There's a left hook to the right side. I literally could have talked that slow and kept up with the action. But, all right, I got to give a shout out to the fight.

There was three fights to me that, maybe even more than that. My top five fights of the night, I would say, in no particular order, I would say the milkman. His dude went in, his whole promo, he was dressed as a milkman, drinking milk, and it was just like, what the fuck does that have to do with anything? And then he gets in the ring, proceeds to beat the shit out of the other guy, and the guy gets a standing eight count, if I remember correctly. Now, don't hold me to this. There was over 40 fights.

And after the standing eight count, this dude came running across the ring like Tyson did in his early days when he threw that overhand right, like he was trying to throw somebody out at the plate from the warning track and hit that dude who looked like fucking geese Osby from the Globetrotters. Like he literally thought he killed him. This dude did the same thing, ran across the room except did the unexplicable. He threw an uppercut with no lead jab, nothing to set it up. I saw Buster Douglas do that one time. He got half. He led with an uppercut and got drilled in the face and that was it.

The night was over. I'll never forget this guy. He goes, you never lead with an uppercut. Well, the milkman proved that theory wrong. He ran across, he did a running uppercut, if I remember correctly. And just knocked this guy the fuck out. And then I understood why he was called the milkman. because the milkman always delivers.

Isn't that a nice story? It was a great story. And in there there was head trauma. Somewhere in that story there was head trauma. All right. Then the dude who came in after the main event dressed as the pink power ranger. This guy went in dressed as a pink power ranger, five foot nothing, a pink onesy on with little red sneakers. Like the kind of sneakers that, you know, people who are.

embrace being a nerd wear now and for some reason they don't get the shit kicked out of him like they did when I was a kid instead they get glorified you know his nerd power whatever it's so he goes in there dressed as the pink power ranger and proceeds to take like 19 or 20 jabs to the fucking nose until he's bleeding just basically got his face redden he didn't get the shit kicked out of him but he got fucking knocked around so at the end of the fight the post interview fight he's in there with his nose fucking bleeding. Just shy of profusely. And they're doing the interview.

And they said, we got to ask, why did you come in dress as the Pink Power Ranger? I'm sorry, I don't know the character's name. Why did you come in dress as the Pink Power Ranger? And the guy just with a straight face just goes, because she's a badass bitch. I fuck her any day of the week. I don't know if the kid understood how funny.

If he understood how funny what he just said was the way he delivered it, I would say that that's the next great comedic mind in Hollywood. Because it was very Andy Kauf to have your nose bleeding. And the way he said I'd fuck her any day of the week, he said it like the actress that plays that Pink Power Ranger would be thrilled with that opportunity. Like, oh my God, I could fuck this guy any day of the week. Well, the whole window of opportunity just open. To the point, I'm almost dizzy.

with my new options. The thrill ride against the Bavarian, Hungarian, the German versus the American, which all night long, people were in the building chanting USA, USA. Anytime anybody came in, if you wore sweatpants, if you had on a sports bra or whatever the fuck you had, a bandana, anything that had old glory on it, people would start chanting USA, USA, even if the other opponent was also from the United States of America. A thrill ride lost a unanimous decision. I thought it should have been a split decision.

But he fought a great fight. And the German one, just a fucking monster of a man. That was a great fight. And then lastly was the frat boy versus the blue collar kid. And you know, you think the blue collar kid's going to fucking come in there, just like a Hollywood movie and show this rich so-and-so. You know? What a fucking knuckle sandwich tastes like or whatever.

And that's not what happened. The frat boy kicked the shit out of the guy. Like the guy had no fucking answers. And then he fucking, the frat boy threw a left. And he must have missed. And he separated his shoulder, it looked like. And then he grabbed his shoulder and it back up. And they got the video.

He popped it back in himself like fucking. Mel Gibson in lethal weapon. And he wanted to continue, but the ref was like he can't continue. So then the blue collar guy won. I don't even think, I don't know if he even landed a punch. So in the post fight, the frat boy is fucking pissed. He's got all his frat buddies there. And the blue collar guy talked all this shit.

Oh, yeah, you're bringing all your frat buddies? Where they're not going to be in the ring to save you? It's just going to be you and me and I'm going to kick the shit out of you. Well, the frat kid didn't eat all this. his friends. They beat the fuck out of that guy. And the post-fight, they were interviewing the frat kid going, ah, it's a tough loss. And the frat kid's going, I didn't lose. I beat the shit out of him, which was true. And then the interviewer just kept going, yeah, but you know, but you lost. Yeah, but you lost. He kept going, yeah, but you lost. And I saw at one point

the frat kid consider punching the interviewer in the face. And I was actually nervous for the interviewer. Thank God the frat kid didn't do that. And, um, then a special mention would be the guy who came in. He looked like an angry version of the lead singer from Maroon 5. And he came in and in the first round did not throw one punch. Just put his gloves up on either side of his head. And we were like, what the fuck? This is like, like El Prez seemed like he was getting upset.

You know, like when Dana White gets mad because someone doesn't put on a fight. The crowd was booing and all of this shit. And then he comes out for the second round, and he kind of looked over in our general direction, but not quite at us, smiled and winked. And I said, oh, shit, he's doing the rope-a-dope. He just let this guy rock him, sock him, and tire himself out. And then he went back out there and started doing the same thing again. I'm like, what the fuck is he doing? But then eventually he started throwing punches.

There are three one-minute rounds. And by the third round, you know, he'd thrown quite a few punches and landed quite a few. But still, I thought the other guy was a clear victory for him. And the judges came back and they gave it to the Maroon 5 guy. So there's a little bit of controversy. But anyways, when I was sitting there fucking ringside, about ready to announce boxing matches. You know, this is something that I actually, it's one point in my life I wanted to be a sports announcer. and before I realized that it was a lot of work

and I had no idea how to do it so I just was like well I kind of get in trouble for making jokes I'll just become a comedian how about that? Well I was sitting in that that fucking ring the Civic Center there whatever the hell it was and it looked like early eight the crowd looked like an early 80s wrestling crowd and when they all started chanting USA USA I was just like this is so fucking surreal right now

to be with this level of stupidity to be sitting in the middle of this. I have, like, this is the type of shit. And I'm not saying that I'm smarter than these people. All right. I just haven't been around that level of stupidity since I was the average age of the person in the crowd. And I would go to invent like that. And I would chant USA, USA.

Would you like my credits? I went to a live taping of Morton Downey Jr. show. And it was screaming and yelling and standing up. applauding. I saw Dice Clay in 88 at the Worcester Centrum and with the crowd, we all tried to boo the opening act offstage. I booed another stand-up comedian before I was a comedian. And Karma came back to bite me in the ass, you know, when I fucking did that Philly show. So I've been there. And to be in an event like that, a tough man event, when everybody was chanting USA USA was so fucking surreal.

And I just pictured all these fucking, you know, all these liberal people fucking being disgusted with it. And it just struck me. It's really funny. And I don't know. It took me back. I haven't thought about it. I actually had to look the guy's name up, unfortunately, Morton Downey Jr. I couldn't even remember his fucking name.

Which is another reason why I'm so happy I got married and had a kid. because that guy was so goddamn famous and I was such a huge fan of his. And somewhere in the back of my closet, I still have a sweatshirt from that going to the Morton Downey Jr. I got that. I got a, this is what I did in the 80s. I went to that. I have a Budman hoodie. Do you remember when they used to have a superhero for Budweiser?

I have that. And I have a Stevie Ray Vaughn tank top. I didn't get the T-shirt. I got the tank top. because it was the 80s and I wanted to show off my pasty guns, you know, because nobody did squats. Everybody just did upper body in the 80s from the in-step tour. That's what I have left from the fucking 80s. But anyways, I can't remember where the fuck I was going with that.

But it was amazing. And I want to go back to that venue. And I want to do a stand-up show in the round, in the middle of it. That's how much I enjoyed. performing there. I mean, actually announcing that's how much I enjoyed the arena. So I want to thank everybody that came out. Once again, thanks to everybody at Barstool.

If they'll have me again, I would absolutely, in a heartbeat, I would do it again. Because that was just my first one. And I think I was funny, but I think I could be a lot funnier. I just had to. It was just a lot of shit to take in. It's like, what do I do here? Do I actually announce the fight? I don't know shit about fighting, right?

Do I just try to be funny? And then I also had to figure out how, you know, Dan and Dave worked so I wouldn't be in the fucking way. So I kind of, I thought towards the end got funnier. So we'll see. We'll see if I get another shot, I would definitely do it. And you guys, you got to find, you know, I want to thank everybody that ordered it, too. Because I think they, uh, I think that was their best one as far as, as far as what I heard. Um, anyways, let me read a little bit of advertising here.

Do you remember when you try to look at some smart kids fucking test and he'd cover it up, you know, and you'd get mad at them because they did the fucking work? I don't know where I stand with that. I used to hate it when I was in school. But now when I think about it, the fact that that person did the work and then I just want to show up. I mean, at very, the very least, I could have offered the kid something like, hey, I'll buy an extra bag of chips. lunch or some shit, you know what I mean? Or whatever the fuck you want. Whatever, whatever they used to sell there, right? All the junk food. That's all they had was junk food. They had a shitty meal. And then they had, it was like cookies, potato chips, just a bunch of shit. And I remember like for lunch

sometimes, if I didn't like the lunch, I would just take my lunch money and I would buy all junk food. And people would say, dude, you're going to get a bunch of zits if you eat like that. And I was, I don't think I'm going to. You know, what am I going to do? Have an apple and then get bullied? He's eating an apple, you know? Insert homophobic shit after that. All right, let's talk some sports here.

Now, I know this is a weird time. For most people in most cities, your hockey team and your basketball team are done for the year. And now you're looking at your baseball team. But when you live in the city of champions, or at least you were from there, And nobody won a championship until you left like me. Well, the Celtics did.

And the Bruins won two when I was a little kid, and I don't remember. Although I did have this little Bobby your sweatshirt. My mother saves everything. I got to find that thing. Oh, my God, that would be great. Find that thing? Put it on my cute little daughter. Take a picture.

Oh, God, I got to find that. Anyways, if you live in a city of champions, not only did your basketball team with 17 championships win it, Your hockey team with six Stanley Cups also won it. I mean, made it to the playoffs. Let's start with the Boston Bruins. They're up two games to none against the original six Toronto Maple Leafs who are trying desperately to end a 51-year drought.

I am a fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs. If the Toronto Maple Leafs get biased, I will root for them. Okay? I would like the suffering to end in Toronto. All right? I would also like us to beat them. I want us to beat them first. However, if they do beat us, then that will be my team.

All right? Haven't said that. You got your asses. Whipped! In the first two games of this series. I mean, just, it was easy. I mean, I'm not going to say it was the first two periods of game two were a little scary.

And period one of the first game. You know, that 51 when he did that fucking slap shot from the fucking blue line, that laser that hit the. the crossbar. I was thinking like this game can turn in any second. And I kind of felt that way for a lot of the second game. It just never did because we have a guy named David Posternock on our team who's, I would say at this point is just shy of becoming a superstar. The guy's got nine points in two games. He's making it so ridiculously easy. He fucking scored the last goal. He put the puck between his legs like he was fucking around before the game.

Right? There should have been Globetara music. That's the second Globe. try to fucking reference in the same podcast within a half hour, 31 minutes, 32 minutes, excuse me. You find another podcast out there that's going to bring up Gies Ozby and then swing, then fucking in a falsetto voice, I can't even talk right now, sing sweet Georgia Brown. Huh? You tell me. You tell me, you show me a podcast that does that and I will show you a more successful podcast than this one. nine points.

That whole fucking line, Berseran, Mah, Sean, Posternak, and we're playing great defense. Tuka's been, you know, making some incredible saves.

You can tell right now that I haven't watched a lot of games this year. All I know is that the front office of the Boston Bruins has not gotten the credit they deserve for the incredible rebuild that they did of this team. They got rid of everybody.

Oh, look who's here. Hi. What? Oh, okay. Oh, so then what? I have to watch my beautiful little baby girl. Oh, boo-hoo. Oh, poor me.

All right. No worries. Yeah. All right, buddy. All right. Anyways. Okay, bye-bye. I just got to wait until she leaves.

I don't see any bad words in front of her. Anyway, so the fact in ruins. we got rid of like the whole fucking team basically other than Chara Marshaan and Bergeron essentially as far as our big stars we got rid of Johnny Boychuk

Balin Luce Tuyah Sagan Dougie Hamilton Tim Thomas we didn't get rid of the coach Claude Julian we got rid of everybody and I was thinking like wow all right i tried to put a positive you know spin on it i like watching a rebuild and all of that stuff which i was i watched them all this time until this year when it all came together you know but i have a good excuse you know got the kid what am i supposed to do huh not go out there and in and play with

my kid course i got to do that but um i don't know what we're like really young we're really fast and then we still have some veterans and then we got some other guys that have you know you know, we got some, like, guys that have been playing like six, seven years. It's just this great mix. And then all these young kids that are just flying around the fucking ice. And I don't know what we're going to do this year in the playoffs. It's looking good so far. But I am liking the future.

And speaking about the few, speaking of the future, the Boston Celtics, that's what you're watching that's out on the court because everybody's fucking hurt. Kyrie Irving's out. Marcus Smots out. And you know what I totally forgot about that? Gordon Hayward kid played fucking half a quarter this year. He's coming back next year. So I'm just watching the Celtics this year to see, as far as the playoffs, to see like

Tatum, Roseir, Jalen Brown, all of these guys getting all this, this, just quality minutes in the playoffs. It's just going to help us in the future. And, you know, I don't think that we were going to get by Cleveland or even Toronto. Toronto looks unbelievable. But my favorite thing in the NBA playoffs right now is the name of the Milwaukee Bucks coach Joe Prunty. I swear to God. Every time they say it, it's like, did they just say Cunty?

And I don't know why, but if there was a drinking game that every time they said Joe Prunty in the broadcast that I watched, I would have been shit-faced by the end of the first quarter. Joe Prunty. I guess what's his face? I can't remember his fucking name either. Jason Kidd. I don't know what happened to him. He was there.

I don't know why he's not there. And it's going to be great to watch. I don't know how many games against the boxing Janice Ante Tocompo. Ante Tocompo. Is that you see? Ante Tocompo. Let me actually, you know what? Let me get the proper pronunciation of that.

That was a fucking great game. I mean, you can't as a Celtics fan not be disappointed when you're watching it, seeing all our big guns on the bench, being like, we would be kicking the shit out of this fucking team if everybody was healthy. Janice Ante Tocompo. Let me see how you say this guy's fucking pronunciation. What a show pronunciation. Here we go. All right. Oh, Janice himself is going to explain.

Here we go. Come on. Oh, my internet sucks. My internet sucks. In the general way, you got to say with a D. So it's a ad der to compo. But in the Greek way, you say with an ente, like, answer to compo. So I'll change you myself.

Like, amphibati's the way you got to say the last name. Whatever you, whatever you got to just say, you know, it's Janice and to Kumpo. Janice Ante Tukpo. Janice Antito campo On day to compo You can say it with the T or the D You gotta love that the guy has that difficult The last name

He's like, I don't give a shit I don't give a shit I'm just gonna be dominating the game That's another thing too I get to watch this guy For a number of games too Who I think he might be the next one You know once LeBron

If LeBron ever gets old I would say this guy is going to be the next one It's going to be Well maybe it'll be Kevin Durant and then him as far as like the best guy in the league. And I'm saying that having not really, I don't really know shit about hoop. You know, what the fuck do I? Why do you guys listen?

I don't know shit about boxing. I'm commentating about it. I don't know shit about foreign policy. Yet I'm talking about that. Asking why we're not having missile strikes on corporations. All right. Hippy music. Let's do some reads here for the week.

we're going to do a couple of reads here for the week. Oh, by the way, I have to admit, I got to become Jimmy Swaggered here, Billy Swaggered. As far as my, remember I said I was going to be vice free? 16 days. And actually the final two days in March is when I started this. But I said I was going to be vice free. I got to go a little Jimmy Swagger here.

I have sinned against you. I fucked up Saturday night. I went out with my lady. And we went out to go see some live music at this little club slash dive bar that we really love going to. And we went there and he was like, come on, man, you're not going to have a drink. You're not going to have a drink.

And I'm like, nah, you know, I told my podcast listeners I was going to blah, blah, blah. She's like, come on. You have one fucking drink. I said, fine. You want me a fucking? I was really a new. annoyed with her because I realized how weak I was.

You want me to have fucking drink a fucking drink, right? So I ordered some food and then I had a, ordered a club soda with the lime. And then I was just like, if she doesn't bring up having a drink again, I'm not going to order one. All right? I don't want to throw away all these days, right? So she finally just goes, look,

can you just have a hit of weed or something like that? I was like, I don't fucking like weed or whatever. And she just, I just fine, I said, fuck it, I'll do it. So I went outside the place and I took full. four hits off of this fucking joint. And I hate weed. I just don't fucking like it.

And I go inside. And what happens every time I smoke weed is I just get sleepy and I want to go to bed. So I'm watching this amazing band. Incredibly musicians. And they could also sing too, which is a plus. They sounded like you were listening to a record. They were so good. And they ended up doing a cover of Led Zeppelin since I've been loving you that Led Zeppelin would have been proud of.

and I'm sitting there in the corner of the bar being like, hey, man, I just want to go to bed, man. I think my pillow is like my best friend, man. And I just, you know, so I blew it. But you know what? I didn't drink. And yesterday was the big test because now that I fucked up the whole month, I feel, I'm just like, well, now what? So now do I drink? So last night I was thinking, well, I might as well have a fucking drink because I blew it.

And I said, I don't be a pussy. You had a couple of hits of fucking weed. You didn't enjoy it. and he came home and you went to bed. So whatever. I hit one hurdle. All right. I've jumped over all the other ones and I'm going to keep going.

Plus, I was also sober for the last two days of March. So, but I still didn't make a month then. I basically made, what was that? Two days ago, 14. I went 16 days. I don't give a shit. I'm going to keep fucking going. So whatever, I blew it.

I blew it, man. I gave in to peer pressure from my wife. You know, she always ends up knocking me off the wagon, though. I remember one time I went a year and two days without booze, and we were in Norway at this fancy fucking restaurant and had like a 12-course meal. All these little bites kept coming out, and I was just laughing going, we're never going to get full. And by the eighth one, I was like, wow, I think I'm going to puke.

And they just kept coming. And then in the end, they came out with this cheese plate for dessert. That's when you know you're at a ritsy fucking place. in another country. Desert is cheese. It's like, you eat cheese for dessert, really? And it was this pungent, stings the nostrils. Anchorman level fucking cologne, but it was cheese.

And Nia took one bite. It was like, I can't fucking, no way. So I started taking giant bites out of it. And she was going, cut it out, don't, don't, you're going to get sick. And my eyes were watering. My nose was running. But her reaction, how concerned she was for me, was making me laugh so. hard that I ate the whole fucking cheese plate.

And it was, it was fucking disgusting. But in that meal, she knocked me off the wagon. She's done it to me a number of times. What I'm trying to say is that I'm Sid and she's Nancy, but I won't kill her someday. So anyways, but I have to admit that I really like, you know, the mornings are the best. I wake up, I feel good, I work out, you know. And just four hits of weed.

The next morning I woke up, I felt like shit. I just felt like I needed to squeegee my goddamn brain. So I don't know. Maybe she reminded me why I'm doing this. So I think I'm going to do this right through to my birthday. And then I'm going to be on vacation, everybody. I'm doing a show in Dublin, Ireland. And then I'm doing Royal Albert Hall, which I can't believe, in London, England.

And then I'm on vacation. And for the next 10 days or whatever, if I want to drink, I'm going to drink. If I want to smoke a cigar here or there, I'm going to do that. And then when I come back, I think I'm going to jump right back on the wagon. I'm going to try. That's what I'm going to try to do because I'm eating well and I'm keeping the weight off. And who's kidding who? I became a dad real late in life and I'd like to be around.

So I got to shut down the potty a little bit. Right? that's another great thing about having a kid. If I didn't have a kid, I probably would have shaved a good 15 years off my life. Oh, but what a fun time I would have. All right. Let's read some of the, some of the music. Oh, hippie music.

That's why I said music. Some of the questions here for this week. By the way, did anybody see the Andre the Giant? Speaking of civics. The Andre the Giant. documentary. You got to check it out. You got to check that out.

My favorite part was, I guess, in the locker room, the only thing they allowed in the locker room were wrestlers and the referees. No one else was allowed in there. And Andre would always be in there playing cards. And what I loved was they actually had footage of somebody walking in there with the camera. And Andre, the giant standing up. just going, go the fuck out of her. God damn

Bigfoot. That's when he had the fro. He stood up and the person just ran out with the camera. That was my favorite fucking part. Seeing a giant angry. Usually it's a gentle giant, but actually seeing him fucking upset.

Oh, God, I fucking yotted. Sorry. All right, guys, sorry about that. I'm supposed to fucking liven up you week. Not making you want to put your head down at your desk. All right, hippie music blind spot follow-up, not original writer. A, Billy Red Tits.

Saw your first Cincinnati show with two friends last Saturday. You absolutely killed Prime Burr. This is why you're the greatest living comedian. Ah, isn't that nice? And he said, okay, let me take your dick out of my mouth. Why did guys always feel like, you know, they get all fucking homophobic out if they compliment another man? They always have to say, hey, man, that's a nice shirt, no homo.

It's just like, well, dude, I've known you for 20 years. I would think if you would have fucking made a move at this point. You know, you could just say nice shirt. As per the most recent Monday morning podcast, I'm writing to second John Fishman of Fish. As a drummer, you need to pay attention to. You asked for start, all right, this is it. I'm going to fucking get into Fish. You ask for starter albums.

I submit a live release. You should start with live double album, a live one, or Studio Circa, 1993, Rift. Rift is my favorite album. It's a concept album. Oh, all right. You know what I'm doing right now? I'm fucking, I'm going to download it right now so I don't forget. All right.

Here we go. iTunes Store. I'm old. I know you guys all use a cooler fucking downloading site. All right. Fish with a pH. RIF. T. Let's see if I can get it. Where is it? Where is it? Rift. 999. Bam. Clicked. Buy. Buy. Downloading.

All right. There we go. I took your advice. All right. A picture of nectar. Another good one would be my second favorite. Covers of all genres including jazz, country, calypso, rock and roll and neo-psychadelia, man. according to Wikipedia. I can't listen to psychedelic music because there's a small part of me that really wants to try mushrooms. And when I listen to that music, I always think like, how much more intense would this be if I felt like I could hold my brain in my hand? Name for nectar. You know what, but I'll never do psychedelics because you have to be home when you do it. But now I got a kid so I can't be tripping with a kid.

Can't do that. That's when social services comes by and takes your fucking kid. named for nectar's bar in Burlington, Vermont. That's what the album's named after, where they were the house band starting off their careers. Anyway, love your shit and psyched to hear your thoughts on John Fishman. Fish drumming. To me, they belong in music history books,

but would love to get Billy Rowdy Reds take on it, signed from Kentucky. All right, cool. Oh, I already love the title of this one here. Why I Need an AR-15. All right, all you Hollywood liberals, listen up. I ask people in the middle of the country are just outside of Los Angeles, which a lot of people in L.A., specifically Hollywood, consider in the middle of fucking nowhere, right?

Until they have a movie career and then they go down there. We love you from Bakersfield. Okay, why I need an AR-15. I just listened to you talk about not knowing why anyone would need an AR-15. I didn't say that in an insulting way, you country fuck. All right? I'm just saying, you know what I mean? If like, you know, for home defense is just funny to me. It's just like, how much of an asshole are you that you need an AR-15 for home defense that basically on it, you're such a cunt that on any given night that fucking hit squad from at the end of Scarface is going to come over your fucking fence that you need to mow them down. You need basically, you know, a fucking bazooka. Anyways, the reason I need an AR-15,

is because I have a small flock of sheep, and I live in coyote country. Coyotes, you live in Phoenix? Coyotes won't really harm an animal as big as a cow, but sheep or goats are fair game to them. When coyotes attack in packs, they tend to attack in groups of seven to 12 individuals. Jesus Christ, what the fuck do you live? We have coyotes out here. They're usually in packs of twos.

Even though I am, that's because they're all on some Hollywood diet, most of them die of anorexia. So there's just packs of twos. Even though I am a fairly good shot, trying to hit a moving target without hitting my sheep means that I might miss several times. I need the magazine capacity of the AR-15 or a similar gun because I only have four milking ewes.

Is that how you say it? Euse? What is a Ute? E-W-E-S. Ah, Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, this is an easy one. But I'm not a farmer, man. use

pronunciation what a show pronunciation here we go all right here we go here's how you say it come on you you

you did he need to do it three times how fucking dumb am I you how do you say it you you I you

oh you All right, you You, you You He did a subtle different read on the second one You You, you Oh God, what's happening now?

Oh, 50 word mistakes In this lesson, I will show you 50 words That you are probably pronouncing You correctly right now And I'll also teach you how to say them correctly Oh, I thought you were just to say how to say them wrong if How do you say it? well we say pronounce pronounced and pronouncing but pronunciation there's no noun in this word it's

pronunciation nobody says pronunciation you fucking click big cunt cat there's no og in there it's cat all right why i need an ar 15 okay so these coyotes come down at packs of seven to 12. Oh my God. And his U's, use, use, use are fucking running around. I mean, what a fucking exciting morning. Jesus Christ, that's like the ultimate video game. So then you fucking blow these things away and then what are you feed them to the pigs? I mean, that is, you know, these fucking assholes crossfit running down the fucking street like they're doing something. this guy is inside watching deputy dog you know ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-da-da-da-do right and all of a sudden he hears one of his ewes going hey man right and then he's got to come out there with this fucking machine gun get some get some get some i'll tell you this right now if i if i could fucking rent a helicopter big enough and i could open a door and you could fucking shoot him from up there i would fly you around your own property, sir, while you did this with your fucking AR-15.

Anyways, I need a magazine capacity of the AR-15 or similar gun because I only have four milking U's. Use. Use. And I produce feta and parmesan cheese. What a good shit. I love both of those cheeses. Thank you for producing that so I can eat it.

If I lose a single you, you. you, you. That represents a significant percentage of my income for the year. That's, you know, all these Hollywood liberals, I swear to God, if you stole their fucking yoga mat or threatened to cut off their fucking man bun, I bet every one of them get a fucking AR-15. But they put pink bullets in it. My sheep dog can hold the coyotes off for a little while, but not forever.

That's a fucking, that dog's got heart, huh? Holding off 12 fucking coyotes. That's like when Magic Johnson played every position. Other farmers in more Western states need the AR-15 to protect from mountain lions or wolves. So when someone said no one needs an AR-15, I guess they think that I'm nobody. Oh, you're a somebody. You make the cheese. Why did you have to go that route?

You proved your point. and now you're trying to make everybody feel bad for you. Oh, I am somebody. This is hilarious. This is like self-help. I guess they think that I'm nobody. I am somebody. And I have a legitimate need for an AR-15.

Oh, let's clap round of applause. That was just textbook. Huh? What's he supposed to do? Let those ewes get killed. And then little kids can't put parmesan cheese on their fucking rigatone. God bless you, sir. God bless you, your AR-15 and the wonderful cheese you make.

What do you do with all the dead coyotes? Man, this guy's that's fucking living out there. I mean, the first one, the first one yelped when you fucking shot it. I would feel like an asshole. However, though, I would know good and goddamn well that if I didn't make the cheese, then I would be living outside. Next thing you know, those pack of seven to 12 would be coming at me, right? going to take a fucking bite out of my flat fucking freckled pasty behind can't have that good for you sir

i'm glad they've invented a weapon so you can keep making the cheese and you can afford to keep you know paying the banker cunts god bless you i'm convinced all right girl that's a great fucking argument that argument is nowhere you know what it is is smart people never take surveys they never get on tv so all you get is these moron gun owners going like well what if the government were uh over sudden not to be nice to me and I needed to fight them off with their F-16s and their tanks. I needed for home protection. Why? Okay, girl at bar used my phone to Venmo herself $300.

Now, I don't know what Venmo is, but this guy basically explains it. Dear Billy Bass on the wall. The other night, I was at this bar with a few buddies, and we started talking to a group, this group of girls. I was hitting on this one girl, and we talked for a little. little more than an hour. Her friends then said they were leaving. And so before she left, I asked if I could have her number. She said yes, and she asked her to put her to put in her number. Or so I thought, uh-oh. Well, she was putting in her number. I wasn't really paying attention and started talking

to my buddy. Next thing I know, she's handing back the phone and saying goodbye. I told her, I'll text her later this week and try and set something up. Well, the next day I went to look for her number and I couldn't find it. I searched and searched, but the number was not in my phone. I was a little disappointed, but stuff like that happens all the time. See, this is why this guy gets late. He shakes it off. That's what do you're going to do? Take another swing, right?

A few days later, I went to Venmo, a coworker, money for lunch. And in my recent transactions, I see a $300 payment made to that girl from the bar. Well, now you got your contact info. Uh, hey, ladies, this is what's going to happen. Either you're going to fuck me or I'm going to get my $300 back. By the way, you're paying for dinner with my money. That bitch took my phone and Venmoed herself $300 while pretending to give me her phone number. I got to be honest with you. If, if, if that was her plan the entire night and she was nice enough to make you then ask for her phone number. I mean, that's fucking amazing. It's disgusting, but it's amazing. He said, I, of course, was furious and immediately thought of reporting her to the police and to the people who work at Venmo. But I thought nothing will get resolved because how can I prove I didn't send her the money? Easily tell your story. Right?

You got to do something. I think you got to do something. Anyways, he goes, also, I kind of respect the move. It's a piece of shit move, but pretty clever. It is pretty goddamn clever. What would you do in this situation? I'd probably just eat the 300 bucks. Take it as a life lesson.

I never like go after people. I just don't. I don't do it. I'm just like, well, you know, I learned a fucking lesson. I won't do that again. He said, I could try and get the money back, but do you think the effort and the hassle outweighs the reward? I think you should do it because it's actually a crime.

She stole money from you. And, you know, I don't know. Or you just let her keep doing it. it and then one day she gets caught and she fucking goes to jail because she's probably not going to stop at this. I would say, you know something? Considering this whole fucking new movement of just trashing guys all the time and always making women out to be the victim, it'd be nice, a little publicity out there that, you know, women have the ability to also be pieces of shit. So yeah, let's even it out a little bit. I would go after. Fuck it. I said $300 isn't going to

make or break me, but I do need to stand up for guys who would. be able to pay their rent if a girl did it to them, right? Any advice helps and go fuck yourself? Yeah, I'd go after. At the very least, you know, even if you don't get your money back, just to fucking, it's good that you got that information out there. So there you go, fellas. When somebody says, I'll put my number in your phone.

But you don't want to say, don't do that because then they might be like, well, I'm not going to fucking give it to you. Well, you don't trust me. Fucking six built on trust. I would just, I would use this guy's story. I was just say, well, the last time I did this, the woman took my phone and Venmote herself $300 out of my account. So I'm just a little paranoid. So what?

Women give you their number all the time? Yeah, they do. You're going to give me my number or am I just going to go home and jerk off? What's, you know, whatever. I don't know. You guys figure it out. I'm not in this world anymore. All right.

I go to bed at like 9.30 every night now. Roommate smokes weed. Hi, Bill. I really like your podcast. and really enjoyed your show in the Taft Theater last Saturday. Jesus, I must have had good shows in Sinci. That's twice in three letters. First time I saw a live show and it was fantastic.

I have a problem now. I'm in college and my roommate and I live on campus. That doesn't sound like a problem. That sounds like it's fucking time of your life. We have our own bedroom. We have our own bedrooms. And we don't talk very often. I'm okay with that.

The problem is he might smoke weed sometimes in the apartment. He mentioned he smokes weed. the first day we moved in. I never smoked weed, and I don't know what it smells like. But the smells came out of his... But the smells that came out of his room is not a cigarette. I'm 100% sure. Yeah, buddy, that's weed.

The semester is almost over. Should I bring it up with them? Nah, just get a new roommate. He said, it kind of bothered me with the smell. We only talked once when we moved in. I don't know what to do. It's against the rule on campus. Should I talk to the R.A.?

Abs of fucking lootly not. Not, dude. Don't talk to the R.A. R.A. is one letter short of rat, and that's what the fuck you would be. Don't do. Don't rat them out. Really like your comedy, and I think I'm the only Asian dude that went to your show. Thank you and go fuck yourself. Well, thank you for showing up and bring some of your Asian friends with me.

I mean, with you to see my show. Unless you're the only Asian in Cincinnati. I have no idea. I don't know what goes on. I don't do a census. No, I wouldn't rat them out. If you're really concerned about the RA, I would just say, hey, buddy, I don't give a shit that you smoke weed. Actually, I do care that you smoke weed, but I'm not a rat, so I'm not going to say anything to the RA.

But it is illegal, and I'm concerned that how much I can smell it, the RA is going to smell it, and then I'm going to get in trouble too. All right? Can you do a better job of blowing it out the window or stick a thicker towel underneath the door? All right? That's it. I swear to God, I won't talk to you again. Um, man, you guys don't even talk to each other. So the first day you came there and you were just like, I don't smoke weed.

And this guy's just like, well, I'm fucking done with you. Everybody thinks pot smokers are cool. I don't know. This guy sounds like a cunt. Neighbor drove through my fence. Hey, Billy belligerent. The title sums up this email. But I feel like I'm in a bit of a situation.

I recently moved back into my childhood home after being away for a bob. four years. Unfortunately, my dad passed away. Sorry to hear that. But he left me the house that he paid off and full. Nice. How the hell did he do that? Usually they hit you with so many penalties and fees that you have to put the house back into play. He said the house itself is in disrepair. Oh, well, there you go. Leaky roof, bad septic lines, et cetera. So I already have a lot to take care of in the coming months. Yesterday, my neighbor and childhood friend got shit-faced and drove his new truck through my fence. This is some fucking redneck shit.

And got into the giant oak tree in my front yard. The fence is wire. So it was salvageable. I need to go to that pronunciation video. Salvage. Salvageable. Salvigible. salvageable, salvageable.

There it is. But I was still pissed. My other neighbor has security footage of the whole event. Dude, is everybody filming everybody now? Can you get away with anything? Including the hilarious moment when the guy, when he tried to pull it back, I guess the fence and fell on his ass. Against all my neighbor's advice, I didn't end up pressing charges. Although my brother who lives with me as well,

did file a police report, which is now on the drunk neighbor's record. My question is, did I do the right thing by not pressing charges and sending him to jail? Well, how would you send him to jail? I mean, by the time you got the footage, he would be sober. And he could just say, ah, you know, I was looking down at my phone. My back hitched and I took my hand off the wheel. I more or less cut ties with this guy because he's a volatile person as evidenced by this whole situation. He has two young children, one in three, I think, recently lost his job and has a lot to deal with.

So I didn't want to fuck him over even more. And he did actually fix my fence when he sobered up. However, I don't think this will be the last time something stupid like this happens. Should I have sent his ass to jail or did I do the right thing? I mean, I wouldn't have said anything. The fact that he got out the next day and he tried to fucking fix the fence, I would talk to him about it. Say, hey, listen, Matt, you know, I don't want to get into your business or anything like that.

But I love getting shitface too. But if there's any way you could Uber next time, you know, because if I was walking up the driveway, you know, you would have run over me. You know, I don't mind getting hammered or whatever. But that level of hammered and then to drive is a little fucking crazy. How's everything going with the job hunting? Ask him a couple of nice fucking questions. and say, listen, I really appreciate that the next day you woke up, he did the right thing and you fixed the fence.

All right. Now, that's what I would say to him. Okay? And then on the other hand, I think the fence issue, you need to look no further than the story of the three little pigs. All right? The wolf went to the first house. Little pig, little pig let me in.

And the pig goes, yeah, I don't feel comfortable with that, dude. And he said, all right. well then I'm just going to blow this piece of shit fucking house over and that's exactly what he did but he's a little lightheaded and the pig gets away he runs over to the fucking his other brother's house you know who actually went to college

you know but just got a degree in philosophy so all he could afford was a house made out of sticks the wolf shows up he's like hey you little fatty open this door what a little pig little pig let me in and then the pig goes

yeah man you know my other brother, you know, who took shop class, he just blew his fucking house down. He took shop class, but somehow he lives in a fucking house made out of, hey, I'm not fucking doing this. So he blows that one down. And then they go to his, you know, the guy who majored in finance and stole a bunch of fucking money. He's got a brick house. He's got a brick. He's my de fat. He's mired of fat. Fucking over old people. You need to put up a brick wall.

Oh man, that would piss him off. Somebody did that and then the next day you put up a fucking brick wall. And then if he gives you shit, just put your hands out like what? You drove through the other one. You're gonna fucking run me over one night. Or hit this poor tree.

What about the tree? The tree can't sue you. It's a victim of fucking drinking and driving. You can't take you to court. It can file a complaint, but it can't get there. It's stuck in the ground. Then you got a little brick. wall between the two of you. Hey, buddy, if you weren't such a fucking drunk, you know, I wouldn't

have to do this. Other than that, what are you going to do? I would have my head on a swivel, though, when I got into my fucking driveway. This is the deal. I would just tell the guy, just say, listen, man, I'm not, I don't want, I don't want to call the cops. I don't want to do any shit like that, all right? But if it happens again, I'm going to have to because you're going to kill somebody. all right I don't please don't put me in that position that's what I would say and then I would build a brick wall although I think I would deal with my

septic tank first but you know what you can't take a shit if you're dead this is you know what I'm gonna make you put the priorities up there you're gonna roll the dice that this fucking crazy motherfucker and his trunk's gonna truck's gonna come over there drive through your fucking wire fence I think you need an air 15 to shoot out his fucking tires as he comes towards your oak tree when did you talk to the

fucking cheese. How cool is that? That guy, he owns a farm and he makes cheese. You know what I mean? So rare do you meet somebody that actually has a job now that it's like, wow, we really need that. We need that guy. That we need you making another fucking app that can have some hoarse steal $300 from

you. Oh, it's so easy and convenient that somebody you don't even know can just send them fucking money. Hey, wouldn't you have her number? from the transaction, I'd call her up. Give me my 300 bucks back, you fucking thieving whore before I call the cops. I'd get my 300 bucks back and then I would call the cops. There you go.

That's what I would do with her. The fence thing, I'm all right with that. But I would tell him not to do it again. All right. Okay, that's the podcast. Have a great couple of days. You're like, go fuck yourselves. Then I'll check on Thursday.