Monday Morning Podcast - Borough Pride, Belly Shirts, Woman Sets Man On Fire | Monday Morning Podcast 5-26-25

Episode Date: May 26, 2025

Bill rambles about New York borough pride, unfit men in belly shirts, and a woman sets a man on fire. Zip Recruiter:  Try Zip Recruiter for free at www.ZupRecruiter.com/BURR Open Phone:  Go to www.OpenPhone.com/BURR and get 20% off your first six months. 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 26th, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? Oh my God, dude. May is almost over. And I go back home in June. This play is flying by. We did nine shows last week. Number nine will put you on the spot. Deep cut, Schoolhouse Rock. Number nine will tie you up, oh, in a knot, because there must be some secret way you can check on. You'll break your neck on naughty number nine.

Instead of eight shows, they threw in an extra matinee because we have two days off, which I cannot fucking believe. I have not had two days off in forever. And I got out of Dodge. I am out here. I'm out of the city. I really forgot like all those years living in New York City how important it was to get out of the city.

It's no way to live. It really isn't with all of those people, all of that concrete, everybody stacked up on top of each other It fucking does something to you and it's It's not good. It's glorified on all those stupid sports shows um I mean all cities are all cities you have to get out of them after a while. It's no fucking way to live cities you have to get out of them after a while it's no fucking way to live

it's there's a lot of awesome things you can do in a city but after a while you have to get out of a fucking city and walk on grass and smell fresh air and be around trees it's just like, you know? And parks in cities just don't do it, you know? So you're too busy trying, you know, I don't know, especially now, Jesus fucking Christ. Could we have any more modes of transportation for these goddamn fucking people? Jesus Christ, and it's all fucking motorized. Nobody, you don't have to pedal a fucking bike anymore. That one wheel, that fat wheel skateboard thing.

I saw this guy, I was walking through Central Park and this guy's flying on this thing. There's a bunch of people that crosswalk. And he's on things going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's like, why don't you slow the fuck down, you idiot? going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's like, why don't you slow the fuck down, you idiot? They got skateboards you don't have to push on. Those things are electric.

Everybody's going by at like 35 fucking miles an hour. You don't have to pedal a bicycle. Everybody's on like a low powered motorcycle, like all these different like, like that one kid was basically like a unicycle fucked a skateboard and he was flying by 35 miles an hour. I'm just gonna run somebody over. Anyway, I'm waiting for electric roller blades.

You just fucking stand there, they just send you down the fucking street. just fucking stand there. They just send you down the fucking street. Anyway, but yeah, so I got out of the city, man. I'm fucking psyched. Visiting some friends here just north of the city and oh my god, it's quiet. I slept better. And I was standing on my buddy's back porch and I was just smelling the air and looking at the trees and the grass and everything. I was like, dude, this is, you live in paradise. Do you understand that?

I just spent four straight months in a fucking city. Oh my God, traffic jams of people. It's just, it's no way to, it's no way to live. Don't buy into the hype. All of these fucking things that show you. Moving to the big city, oh boy, here we go, here we go. Bright lights, pretty ladies. Remember Rick Flair.

I also think that that's why it's hard for a lot of people to leave a city because your identity gets all wrapped up in it and all the shit that you can see and just go walk to and all of that. And then when you leave the city, you leave the convenience of that. And then also like, it kind of strips you negative. Like, well, who am I if I don't have the identity of this city that I live in? You know what I mean? I would say like New Yorkers are the king of that.

Like, oh, I live in this borough, and this is my fucking bodega, and I fucking take this tray. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. You're just a person. All of this attitude and screaming and yelling about your bacon, egg, and cheese, you know?

You take that person and you stick them in fucking Syracuse, they lose their mind. I can't fucking do it, why? You can't deal with... I guess Syracuse is still a city or whatever, but it's not like jam-packed, whatever. You take them somewhere, they can't deal with trees, fresh air, peace and quiet. I need that energy. I need the energy. Why? Why do you need the energy? Why does it have to be so loud? What happens when it gets quiet and you're left alone with you?

Anyways, I really enjoyed my last couple days before I got out of the city, because the Knicks last couple days before I got out of the city because the Knicks lost game two and I swear to fucking God, I walked by a thousand New Yorkers, I saw one Knicks hat and one fucking sweatshirt. The fucking everything went the fuck away. I was getting after every show I was going out there, I was getting heckled by these fucking Nick fans and it all fucking went away. It all went away.

So now they won game three, I actually got to watch game three. I got to be honest with you, not too impressed with either team. That was a huge fucking game. Knicks did not come out with a fire under their ass. And the Pacers had no killer instinct like let's put them down 3-0 and let's get out of here quick and rest before we get to the final. I didn't see that vibe at all. It was just fucking NBA basketball.

A lot of three-pointers which I just don't understand. I just will never understand that thing. You just, yeah, you just keep shooting them. You just keep, you know, you keep shooting them, and you know, if you're missing them, you just keep shooting them, blah, blah, blah. You would think that they're now scoring like 200 points. The scores are still the same. So like, what is the fucking point

of like taking something that's like a 45% chance of going in and when you can just go in and take a fucking 12 footer, there's no one in front of you. These fucking guys run behind the line to throw up a fucking brick. And in the end, it's like 108, 106. It's mind boggling to me that you would give up a 12 footer to take a 45% chance shot,

whatever the fuck, and that's a high percentage, I think, to get one more point. I don't know, NFL football's the same way. Hey, go for the two point conversion, go for the two point conversion. Dude, it just took us three downs to score one touchdown. You wanna score another one? Now you wanna score another one to get two points, to get one extra point than a fucking extra point?

That's what the fuck we're doing? For some reason, people don't view a two point conversion as having to score another touchdown because that's what it is. But because it's only worth two points, that's how they view it. I don't know. You know, I went to summer school for math. So what the fuck do I know? But I can tell you that for a must win game for the Knicks and a game where the Pacers could have put them away. It had regular season vibes. That's a strange thing. Anyway, so I'm not in this city, but I bet all the Knicks jerseys and hats are all coming

back out again. It's a very strange city. Like how the fucking Brooklyn Nets moved into Brooklyn with all those Knicks fans, die hard or whatever that means, lifelong Knick fans. And then they brought the Nets there and then they all just threw out their Knicks shit and started going to Nets games going, Brooklyn, Brooklyn. It just blows my mind how they could do that. out their Nick shit and started going to Nets games going Brooklyn Brooklyn it

just blows my mind how they could do that okay and then what happens if the Nets suck do you secretly take out your old old Nick's stuff. I don't know. Strange. Strange days indeed. Anyway, so I am out here. Stay out here for a couple of days. Just had to get out of the fucking goddamn out the goddamn city. But then also I'm probably romanticizing, I'm probably romanticizing the suburbs. You know what I mean? Cause then you come out here and then you gotta deal with people that live in the middle of nowhere conversations.

It's not too bad now that people have the internet and everybody's sort of looking at the same shit. I don't know. I will tell you this though. This is my first two-day weekend. And I think since February. Or maybe the beginning of March. And I can see why that's required. One day off is not enough to then go back to whatever the hell it is that you're doing.

Which brings us to the billionaires. I'm just gonna keep talking about this till people stop fucking with these two political parties and act like they are the reasons why everything's are all fucked up. Billionaires don't want to pay you. They've never wanted to pay you. If they could somehow figure out a way, robots, where you would have no days off ever and they wouldn't have to pay you any fucking money, they would do it. They would do it. And they've been doing it and they've gra- look, this is not- people work full time. They work full time for a fucking corporation

and they cannot make their fucking rent that's that's on the lower levels but that's gonna creep its way up it's gonna creep its way up and you know whose fault it's gonna be? Mexicans, Chinese, it's gonna be anybody but them and you know who's gonna believe it? people every fucking election. That's what it is Why can't they be perfect and white like us just using racism as? These guys just fuck him in the ass They just do it every fucking

Every fucking election every fucking election, they bring that shit up. So, anyway, here's a pet peeve of mine, because I'm in a town I am not familiar with. So I'm trying to find a good coffee spot. And the amount of places that get four and a half stars for their coffee, and you walk in and they're serving it in plastic to-go cups, even if you stay there. Right there. Right there. Any place that serves you, that will not give you coffee in an actual coffee cup, fuck that place. It should never be higher than three stars. Here's another one. These are all my red flags for a coffee shop.

Four and a half star coffee shop. And so you click on it and most of the pictures are of the food. Whatever pastry, whatever thing that's going to send you your fucking blood sugar through the goddamn roof. Fuck those places. I ended up finally finding a place. And I walk in there and the lady goes, yeah, you know, it's cash only. And I was like, I'm not afraid of that.

You know, got a little laugh out of her, you know? And I got a little affogato, little fucking pistache, little pistachio ice cream in there. It was fucking fantastic. And it came to me in a cup, like a fucking human being coming over here. Even those paper cups, inside they got plastic in them. And that plastic gets in the coffee.

Forget about the fucking microplastics to your brain. Just it affects the taste of it. It's fucking, what are you, what the fuck are you doing? Four and a half stars? Would you serve a four and a half star fucking meal on paper plates? We're not at a barbecue. Serve a four and a half star fucking meal on paper plates. We're not at a barbecue. And you know some corporate cunt was just like, yeah, no, you know the amount of food, effort and money,

these cups, they break, the lawsuits, dah, dah, dah, dah, just put them in plastic cups, throw them out, put them in the ocean. Next fucking problem. Oh, Jesus, Bill. Anyway, so the Knicks are back in it. Two games to one, sort of, I don't know. This is the fascination of the,

of a seven game series, is how you look at it psychologically. So the Knicks go down 0-2, right? So now you gotta look at it like, okay, there's five games left, they have to win four of them. All right, so the Knicks are like staring up Mount Everest at that point. So the Knicks are like staring up Mount Everest at that point.

Um, but then they win game three and all of a sudden it's two games to one. They still have to win four out of five games. They're still doing that. But psychologically, the Pacers are thinking like, Oh fuck, if we lose the next one, it's tied up and we're going back to New York. Like you can't stay, that's that whole fucking thing like when you win the first game on the road and they go, they stole home court advantage. It's like, yeah, if you don't count the amount of home games that you have. It's like there's three games left. I mean three games, six games left. There's three games in both venues.

I don't understand. What the fuck just, I'm not going to get involved in that. You're still playing four games in the other person's thing. The fucking arena. I honestly think that it's just some bullshit that people made up on ESPN or whatever. thing, the fucking arena. I honestly think that it's just some bullshit that people made up on ESPN or something to add more fucking drama to a bunch of seven footers taking fucking three pointers. I'll tell you that one guy, the center for the Knicks that everybody makes fun of, say

what you want about that guy. That guy plays old school He fucking through he that guy fucking throws elbows The entire fucking game. He is an elbow throwing son of a bitch Anyway Boring ass game. I will tell you that and I'm not coming down to either one of those teams the fucking NBA product right now with the fucking three-pointers dude I will tell you that. And I'm not coming down to any of one of those teams. The fucking NBA product right now, with the fucking three pointers, dude.

I don't know. It'd be like watching football. Every fucking play they threw a 40 yard fucking pass down the field. Every play. Incomplete, incomplete, incomplete, incomplete. Oh fuck, somebody finally caught one. All right, sorry. Let's not do incomplete, incomplete. Oh, fuck, somebody finally caught one. All right, sorry.

Let's not do this, Bill. Can we, can we get, can we, can we not fucking do this? So I'm meeting a buddy of mine. He wants to, he wanted to go golfing, but at the last second I decided to get out of the city. And the place where he wanted to take me was like all booked up and I acted like I was upset I was like fucking psyched it's like dude it's my day off the last thing I want to do is walk around a fucking golf course

is walk around a fucking golf course. Oh my God. Last thing I ever wanted to do. The stupid fucking sound of those golf shoes on the tar as people come walking up with the club over their head and they start to put it behind their head. Like this is the first time they stretched all week. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Like this is the first time they stretched all week. Some fucking dentist coming up to play a sport.

Anyways, I think we're only gonna play like nine holes. I can deal with nine holes, but I'll be honest with you. I start counting them down after four. It's like, all right. Okay. I think we did it. Oh my God, there's always that guy with the fucking sniper thing to see how many yards it is to the fucking hole.

It's got like a sniper scope. It's like, what the fuck more do you need to hit this fucking ball where the hell it needs to go? I've just never seen a sport where so much goddamn shit. I can't, I can't, I can't start fucking shitting on golf again. I like watching it funny that everybody in every sport, that every regular guy that plays a sport that is on TV always has to dress like how the professional athletes dress

on TV, you know, like whatever's going on. If headbands are fucking in in the NBA, you play pickup hoop, there's people wearing fucking headbands. You know, if people are putting that black shit under their fucking eyes, some some fucking idiot's gonna do it. You know, you get on a bicycle now you got to dress like you're in the fucking Tour de France. Like everything has like a fucking outfit now. Like the Tour de France outfits and the clip-in fucking slippers.

If I see one more guy in those with a fucking dad bod, big fat fucking belly, and he's wearing like this tight shit, I think that that's the male version of like somebody with a gut wearing a half shirt on the other side of the fence there. Like men can't get mad at women, you know, or upset that women are walking around with bellies wearing half shirts

because guys wear the tight fucking Tour de France outfits with their man boobs. Oh God. I remember seeing that, it was in Martha's Vineyard. This guy walked up in those stupid clip-on shoes. He got off his bike and he walked up to buy an ice cream. You know, those people that, like, they put way too much emphasis on, you know,

they just went to the gym versus how much calorie damage you can do in three seconds sitting down at a at a at a fucking restaurant no i went to the gym today i went to the gym or i'm going to the gym later i'm gonna burn this off you're gonna burn that off it's like fucking 2 000 calories how long like you get an elliptical what are you burning if you're How long like you get on an elliptical? What are you burning if you're pushing it? Couple to two three hundred calories per half hour. You're gonna get on an elliptical for how long? How long you get on that elliptical for five hours? That's what you're doing. I don't think you're doing that

No, no, no, you know fucking the way the way I see it. You know the way I see it I went to the I went to the gym, and I can eat whatever the fuck I want. Okay. So your science is the way you see it? I like that. They should give you a show. Is there a science channel yet? If there is, that should be a channel. That should be a show on the science channel. You have a bunch of eggheads giving you information that was actually researched and tested. And then late at night, you just have a regular guy. Some fuckhead like me goes on. He hosts a show called The Way I See It.

And he explains to you why the world is flat. What else? What are some other ones? Why a mask doesn't stop a virus. Those are my favorite ones when people go and like you know mask has as much chance stopping a virus as your pants do of holding in a fart. And then scientists were like, well, a fart is a gas and a virus is a solid. What? Don't be coming out here with your flim flam and fucking anti Jesus fucking research. Sorry.

Anyway, let's, let's, uh, I haven't watched the Moto GP yet. Jesus fucking research. Sorry, anyway, let's, let's, I haven't watched the MotoGP yet. I started to watch this movie, Walkin' Tall, from the early 70s, 1973. I've watched the beginning of it. The movie makes absolutely no sense, and I love it so far. The whole, the whole beginning of it. The movie makes absolutely no sense and I love it so far the whole The whole story of it It's basically spoiler alert this guy

Goes back to his hometown after traveling around being a wrestler He goes back, you know, he sells the trailer, he does everything, his wife is happy as hell, he's got two beautiful kids, his in-laws or his grandparents, they're psyched that he's coming back to town, and it's all hunky-dory. He goes to fucking town. And this guy used to go to high school with, sees him, and he's driving by in a pickup truck, and he's like, oh, God damn, look who's the fuck is back in town.

And he starts driving like a fucking maniac to reinforce the fact that this guy is a wild man. So he's tearing up the center of town in his pickup truck. Like the reckless driving this guy does, just to execute a three point turn to come back and say hello to the guy. So he's like, god damn it, I was driving by, I'm like, that ain't fucking Mark,

I'm like, that is fucking Mark. He's doing that dumb shit. So next thing you know, the guy wants to settle down, he goes, all right, I'm gonna go that is fucking Mike. He's doing that dumb shit. So next thing you know, the guy wants to settle down. He goes, all right, I'm going to go out with this guy. They leaves with the guy. They go to the outskirts of fucking town, and he brings him to, like, this fucking gambling whorehouse. And the whole time he's sitting there,

and he's looking around like, I don't want to fucking be here and the guy's like all right come on inside he's like all right he doesn't say that he's saying it with his face and there's all these who is and they're coming up to him and he's like you know he's got a pull tab fucking Miller Highlife he's like you know basically give him the vibe I'm happily married want to be, he doesn't want to fucking be there, but he doesn't leave. And he goes in there with this shithead, and this shithead loses his money gambling, asks him for another 50 bucks, he gives it to him,

and they're at the crap table, and for whatever reason, the guy's shooting, has dice in both hands, and the wrestler guy knows it he grabs his hands It's and knocks them both on the table grabs the other guy's hands and he's like I want my $35 back, right and All of a sudden the guys that run the gambling think they have this big fucking fight It takes like ten of them to beat the wrestler up his fucking stupid friend gets knocked out after like one punch. And then for whatever reason, the end of the fight, the wrestler guys like knocked out,

they fucking rip open his shirt and they carve him up with a knife and dump him on the side of the road. And then the whole thing is, I guess the rest of movies him putting together crew to get in the course, the sheriff is like corrupt. But like the whole thing, like just watch it. It's like, you didn't want to be in there. You should have just stepped outside. Like, what are we doing?

I guess they were trying to show that he was an uncorruptible man. And when he saw corruption, he didn't like it. And he took matters into his own hands. I think that that's that was what I was watching. I don't know it didn't like I mean the second this fucking idiot is driving like he's not aware that there's children walking around downtown and his stupid pickup truck fishtailing all around and pulls over it's just like all right well I can see this guy

hasn't grown up since high school. What do you do? You nod, you smile, you give him a fist bump, you fucking walk away. That's what you do. You don't go to a fucking whorehouse with him. And spend your whole time like looking around like, I don't think I like this. I definitely don't like that. Is that guy cheating? All right, I'm gonna go up, I'm gonna do something about it and then I'm gonna fight 10 guys and get stabbed in the chest.

Honey, where were you? Well, you know, rules is rules. If you've run into somebody you went to high school with and they're driving recklessly, you know, you gotta go to a whorehouse with them. Honey, I don't make the rules. Having said all that, I can't wait to watch the rest of the movie. Anyway, let's, oh, let's do some reads for the week. Oh, look who it is everybody.

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Oh my God, it's open phone. All right, I like when they write copy. They try to put it in my voice. So this is what they did. All right. So I'm going to do an impression of me while reading this. Look, I'm going to be blunt. If you're running a business, every missed call is like tossing

a dollar bill out the window. I'm not doing this Okay, I don't care if you're a plumber a baker or a psych or a candlestick maker a psychologist a Plumber a baker and a psychologist while they really covered the lot of real estate there And you know what the second you don't pick up they're calling the next guy. It's like dating you snooze you lose That's why you need OpenPhone. It's a phone system built for people who actually want to make money, not watch it slip away.

OpenPhone gives you a business number that works right through on an app on your phone. Simple, right? What do you mean simple? I don't even understand what it is yet. If you have employee, you got a what's a you got a cell phone It's with you the whole fucking time if you have employees or co-workers Your whole team can share the same number to answer call. Oh, that's it. I get it I get it

Maybe she ran to a high school buddy and he fish tailed down the street in his pickup trucking Decided you to bring you to a whorehouse that you didn't want to go to and he caught people cheating and then you got stabbed up and dumped on the side of the road. Who's going to answer your phone? I'll tell you, open phone. If you have employees or coworkers, your whole team can share the same number, answer calls and texts like a shared inbox. Whoever picks up, they know exactly what's going on. And with AI powered, oh, AI, everything's gotta be AI now. With AI powered call transcripts and summaries, you don't have to worry about taking down messages and follow-ups slipping through the cracks.

Well, what does the robot do? And forget voicemails, open phones, AI agent picks up after hours, answering questions, even grabs leads. It's like having an assistant who actually shows up. Dude, have you noticed how they're like suddenly starting to trash human beings? The robots are taking over. This is saying a robot will answer your phone. A robot who actually shows up. You know what fucking

shows up every day? Your fucking car. All right? But it doesn't have feelings. Over 50,000 businesses trust open phones so that they don't have to be the last one to catch up. Go to openphone.com slash burr and get 20% off your first six months. That's open phone, phonewiththeph.com slash burr. And if you've got numbers from another service, they'll port them over at no extra charge. Open phone, no missed calls, no missed customers. Do you know I saw a thing on Instagram

where this mother was going like, oh my God, you guys aren't going to believe it. I used AI to create a fake newscast. They create a fake newscast and she filmed her kids messy rooms and then the fake newscasters acted like they were talking about their kids on TV. And then of course the kids are watching with their mouths agape and guess what? They ran in and they cleaned up their rooms And guess what it was a commercial for AI. That's what it was, but it was presented like this fuck

It's like mom. Why don't you do your fucking job go clean up your room? Or I'm gonna beat the shit out of you like the way it's done You don't need a fucking robot to create our AI thing to create a fake newscast So, what are you teaching your kids? How to manipulate information and create something that never happened? That's what the fuck you're gonna use AI for? They have like that, they have that

why hire humans thing up in New York City too. And guess what we're gonna do? We're all gonna sit back and scream about Republicans and Democrats. That guess what we're gonna do? We're all gonna sit back and scream about Republicans and Democrats. That's what we're gonna do. Fucking unbelievable. This is literally the end of the fucking world. These things are gonna get out of control so goddamn fast.

And these fucking guys, the insatiable greed of these fucking billionaires, these sociopath fucking billionaires, they are so fucking greedy. They are gonna risk everything. They're gonna risk everything because they want more, because they can't, oh my God, it'll show up to work. It'll never go on strike.

You can fuck it, you know? they can't oh my god it'll show up to work it'll never go on strike you can fuck it you know they're fucking they're sick human beings and they write books and fucking idiots like worship them like people worship Donald Trump it's fucking unbelievable your next-door neighbor is a better person than Donald Trump than Bill Gates and all of these people. They're terrible people. Those fucking pieces of shit on Shark Tank, they're pieces of shit. They have no feeling, no empathy.

All they give a fuck about is the bottom line and they're on top and you're on the fucking bottom and people look at it like that's something to envy. They're terrible fucking people and the robots are coming And they're gonna act like they're your friends. Look at this. You can use it to get your kids to pick up their fucking room Like you're their mom You're the fucking more what I'm your mother pick up your fucking room Well, you're not eating dinner tonight I'm your mother, pick up your fucking room.

Well, you're not eating dinner tonight. You're going right to bed. You take away your fucking iPad. What the fuck you do nowadays? You need a goddamn fake fucking newscast. Anyway, Australia, are you ever coming back? If so, in what year? I don't know. I have kids, and they're of a certain age. So... And I just spent all of these months away doing this fucking play, so I'm not doing shit for the rest of the year.

Um, I would like to get back at some point. Um... I haven't been there in ten years. It was a place that I went to, like or four times and I had a great time. But I mean, I guess going on the road is on the road. Yeah, I guess I should get back there. Good question. All right. AI as an assistant, not a replacement.

Hey, Billy Billy Broadway balls. I drove, okay, as an assistant, not a replacement. I drove in from Pittsburgh yesterday on my birthday, May 19th, oh, to see your little play. It's not my little play. It's a play that I have a little part in. As a 12-year veteran of the professional stage I was eager to see the show and I was so fucking impressed at every one of you guys nice

I particularly liked your act one scene with Michael I love your portrayal of the defiant scornful Dave Moss and I can't wait for someone To rape you into another place someday? Oh, rope you. Sorry, I don't have my glasses on. I was like, what the fuck is this person saying? Rape you into another place. Rope you into another place. That wouldn't make sense, why he was saying such nice things. Rape you went to another rope you went to another place. Okay. I'm

That wouldn't make sense why he was saying such nice things. Why would he say that out of nowhere? Oh I never wear my glasses. They you know what I got glasses and they just sit on the table They're gonna put on my fucking glasses here. Oh My god, would you look at that? On my drive home, I listened to your podcast from earlier that same day. You had some comments about AI, but you didn't know what ChatGPT was, and that is a pretty big one that you have to know about.

No, I don't. ChatGPT is the most widely used AI tool in the world. Anybody can access it, even a skeptical aging ginger such as yourself. Oh, oh, oh, I like the whole narrative of this. It's not that this is something to be concerned about. It's that, oh, he's just an old redhead who's skeptical. It takes no special knowledge or training and you can start... All right, this feels like a whole fucking commercial for this thing. This whole AI thing is bullshit anyway. There is no real AI. It's all marketing hype. Allow me to explain. I've been using AI tools at my job since 2021

before this stuff was prevalent in the news. I know if you've heard about AI, but let me assure you that artificial intelligence is a misnomer. It's not artificial intelligence, it's all. And humanity is still many years away from movie-like versions of artificial intelligence. What everyone is wrongly calling AI

is just a fancy pants algorithm that can predict what words should probably come next after the words you typed into it. That's it, it's like a calculator, but for words instead of numbers. Ask anybody who works under the hood with so-called AI tools like ChatGPT, there's another acronym they use, LLM.

LLM stands for Large Language Model. I have to be honest with you, this stuff is mind-numbingly boring, the actual like going and using this shit. And it means that the algorithm is really clever at figuring out what your language means when you type it in. Then it's clearly clever,

it's really clever at figuring out what language to respond with. If you ask how to make a sandwich, the algorithm is pretty damn sure that it should talk about two pieces of bread with a bunch of shit between them. That's it, that's as smart as it gets. Since Chat Cheat PT is so good at these word calculations,

it's really handy for doing menial tasks that you would pawn off on your secretary. It's a great assistant. It's really good at looking up information and giving direction. I use it to get me around in New York City, but once you start asking more complicated questions that take some human intuition to answer, it completely shits the bed. Ultimately, this AI stuff is impressive on surface levels, but once you try to use

it for more complex problem solving, it's like trying to get a drunk toddler to do trigonometry. So have no fear, AI isn't really here. Oh, so those things that I watch about the robots and shit, I shouldn't worry about that. It's marketing hype putting the wrong name on something. It's cool and it's extremely helpful for things it's good at, but it simply isn't ready to replace 99.8% of human labor. So those billboards talking about why hire humans, I shouldn't be concerned about those. These LLMs cannot think, they cannot feel, and we know that

for a fact. It's not a philosophical question like in those AI robot girlfriend movies. Every person out there who swears they had a meaningful conversation with AI is just really, really impressed that their calculator talks now. Yeah, and they're not alive. So it's just all an algorithm, right? Like if I yell at it, it knows that it should feel upset or scared or whatever, because some human being typed in that this is how humans react to this type of interaction. But it's just going to that.

It's not actually feeling it. Right? All right. Hey, maybe someone will crack the code on real AI and we'll have our own Rosie the robot rolling around the house in 2026. Who the fuck knows? I'm skeptical, but I'm just a ginger-cut myself anyway.

Congratulations on the excellent show last night. Thanks for loads of laughs over the years. Drop Dead Years was phenomenal. Happy Memorial Day and go fuck yourself, you cunt. All right, well, I wasn't talking about what you were talking about. I don't think I was anyways. I was talking about these robots

that these journalists are like interviewing and the sex robots that they're making and all of that. I'm not talking about some fucking app that you fucking voice text to So I would say how about this that your relaxed attitude towards it in my Like this is the end of the fucking world. Maybe the truth is somewhere in between I think it's definitely something to be concerned about. I don't think they, hey, you know, it's a calculator with words. I don't remember once the calculator came along, them talking about not hiring

humans. I don't remember those billboards back in the seventies. All right, woman lights friend on fire for misogynistic joke. Dear Billy Flamer. Ha ha ha ha. Funny little story out of Australia. Here's the newspaper article. An Australian woman allegedly lit her longtime friend on fire because he made a misogynistic remark during a wild night of partying. A court heard earlier this month, Corby Jean Walpole, 24, pleaded guilty in an Albany District

Court to the arson attack on Jake Loader. Corby Jean Walpole lit Jake Loader on fire. These are real names. 23, saying she felt overwhelmed by his antagonistic behavior throughout the night before she was finally set off by a sexist remark he made during a house party in New South Wales last year. Now wait a second this is a friend of hers? According to Australian Broadcast Corporation. I don't get this.

There's Australian people in Wales and Australia is writing this. Okay. Loader told Walpole she should stay in the kitchen making scones. You lit them on fire for that? Why didn't you just make, just do what you, you know? Did I talk about his little dick? I don't know. There's a lot of options before lighting someone on fire. Although I gotta be honest with you, I do like your initiative.

You definitely fucking respond. If she couldn't handle drinking with the boys, which set the 24-year-old into a rage, the court heard according to the outlet. I feel like you missed some words in that sentence. She told she... Okay, wait a second. Let me go back, back up here. Loader told Walpole she should stay in the kitchen making scones if she couldn't handle drinking with the boys.

Oh, that's what he said. Which sent the 24 year old into a rage. The court heard according to the outlet, she grabbed a gallon of gasoline from the garage and doused Loder with the flammable substance, waving a lighter at him threateningly. The publication reported, go on do it, Loder yelled at his friend, wait a minute. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. Y'all should stay in the kitchen making scones. I'ma get me a gallon of gasoline. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, go on do it. I ain't got me gallon gasoline. Blah blah blah blah blah. Go on, do it. I ain't got nothing to live for.

Go on, do it, Loder yelled. I get it, to be honest with you, I don't give a shit about anybody in this story. This sounds like a bunch of fucking morons. What were you drinking? Definitely shots. You know, that's what younger people do. You wanna do some shots? Stupid as shit ever.

Go on, do it, Loder yelled at his friend who was drunk and had consumed cocaine. I know, this is stupid, this isn't real. He was drunk and had consumed cocaine, she confessed. Walpole then touched him with the lighter, setting Loder ablaze. she confessed Walpole then touched him with the lighter setting Loder ablaze. I was just being polite he told me to do it.

Walpole okay okay setting him ablaze according to the testament. Loder's state burns to 55 percent of his body. Well, yeah, she dumped gasoline all over you when you told her to do it. And had some of his sweat glands burned off. He was put in a medically induced coma for eight days after the attack, according to a victim impact statement read in court. He required 10 operations. Alright, what is the takeaway from this? If somebody comes to you in any sort of threatening manner, there is a million things that you can say to that person.

The number one thing you do not want to say to the person who is threatening you with physical violence is go on do it That's like the old letterman I have in my hand there the top ten list for this night for tonight Okay, top ten things you don't say when somebody just dumped fucking gasoline all over you Number one go, do it. All right. He required 10 operations and spent 74 days in a burn unit at a Melbourne hospital.

Now we're about, okay, did they name someplace Wales in Australia? I'm all fucking confused here. I don't give a shit. I'm just happy I wasn't at this party. How about that? Um, okay. The friend cannot step outside into the sun because of the extensive epidermal

damage, the statement said, is that forever? Walpole told the court that she had been abusing drugs and alcohol since a breakup in 2022 and regretted the heartless act. The firebug claimed during the trial that she was pushed to the edge by Loader, who tried to wrestle with her and was being continuously antagonistic throughout the night. The Australian broadcast, this is just a bunch of fucking idiots getting drunk and high, and it got out of control. The Australian Broadcasting Corporation reported, To this day I feel horrible, remorseful, guilty for what I have done to Jake,

not only Jake but his family his loved ones his mutual friends Anyone has been impacted in this entire case And whatever else I have to say Did not go to jail for prolonged period of time. Okay Walpole told the court according to the outlet I find it very hard to believe the injuries that were caused was from my doing. Well, you lit somebody on fire, you dumb cunt," Walpole said, adding, I would do anything to go back in time. She pleaded guilty to one charge of burning or maiming by using corrosive fluid, the ABC reported.

Walpole is due back in court this month for sentencing. Oh my God. All right, well I'm glad I wasn't at that fucking party. Jesus Christ. Go on, do it. What the fuck? Oh, I hate to use this hacky reference, but cocaine is a hell of a drug. Oh my God.

Oh my God. You know, you just want to go to a party, do a little blow and do some fucking Jaeger shots. Next thing you know, you're covered in gasoline, standing across from a fucking woman with a match, saying go on do it. He was getting her goat the whole fucking night and he wasn't backing down and he wouldn't shut the fuck up. So

she was just like, all right, I'll shut you the fuck up. And his male ego is like, you will not shut me the fuck up night and he wasn't backing down and he wouldn't shut the fuck up. So she was just like, all right, I'll shut you the fuck up. And his male ego is like, you will not shut me the fuck up. And he was, and she was like, oh yes I will. And lit him on fire. And then he probably screamed like a man on fire. So she didn't really shut him up, but she definitely stopped the... I mean, go in the kitchen and make some scones I mean it's pretty light no? I mean you can kick them in the balls. I don't think you have to light

his balls on fire. Oh my god great balls of fire. Bop bop bop bop. And then now that's what they should do. Most damage you can't go in the sun and he can never again listen to Jerry Lee Lewis great balls of fire All right motorcycle airbags Hi Ethan cunt About is that supposed to be hi Ethan cunt is hi Ethan a word am I saying is something I don't know what I'm saying You can trick me easily.

Okay, about motorcycle airbags. Just a few years ago, you'd think they came out of a Mission Impossible movie. Right now, Life Savers at an affordable price. Just the Alpine Stars or the, I don't know how to say this, Denise D-A-I-N-E-S-E one. But check out that it's compatible with your jacket.

It needs space to expand in case of a crash. I'm 100% getting one of those. 100%. All right, photography book. Recommendations Bill. All right, man. I'm obsessed with film photography. Around this time last year, oh I got obsessed with film photography around this time last

year and soon purchased some photography books that seemed interesting. First I would recommend Modern Colored by Fred Herzog. Most of his photography is from the 50s and the 70s in Vancouver. Is it me or is it maybe I just love that era but I just feel like the greatest pictures ever taken were in the 50s and the 60s. Classic cars, neon shop signs, street scenes, et cetera, just amazing. Perfect compositions and just beautiful in general. I would love to look at that. The second book is called Sidewalk by Frank Hovar and it spans 1983 to 1987 in New York

City. It's a good balance of gritty and expressive shots. They both shot using slide film which has these really rich saturated colors and also a new low dynamic range so they tend to be very contrasty. They have a distinct look compared to modern digital photographs. My girlfriend and I watched one of the previews of Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross we both loved it. Bravo, thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, listen, thank you to all you guys who came out

and have come out to go see Glengarry. I can't wait to talk to you guys about it after it's over, as far as all the things that I've discovered and continue to discover about the play. And more specifically, David Moss, the guy that I'm playing. There's a line that I've been doing every single night and it's funny. I kind of looked at it on a basic level,

but there was something inside of me saying, you don't understand what this means fully. So I just kept thinking about it and thinking about it. I figured it out the other night. And it's like the typical thing. Once you figure it out, it then immediately seems plain as day. And you're like, how the fuck did I not see this?

So anyway, I mean, including like the amount of times we've done it, friends and family, everything, previews, everything. We've done live in front of an audience. We've done it 89 times. And right around 86 or 87 is when I finally figured out that line. How amazing is that?

And it really makes me think of all this acting that I've done in TV and movies and the small window of time you get with whatever part you're doing. Because the amount of time I've been on this, you could have shot an entire movie. We shot old dads in like 30 days. Well, less than that, 30 calendar days, weekends we had off.

So it was actually 20 something days. We shot an entire fucking movie. So anyway, I've learned a lot. I've learned a lot. I've been proud of myself. I've been embarrassed myself. But at no point did I light anybody on fire. Nobody poured gas on me.

And I said, gone do it. Never did that. You know, that's it. All right, I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee and a fucking glass, little mug there. And I will talk to you guys soon. Oh, by the way, can we get some more jerseys and baseball? I was watching a little, I was flipping back and forth

between the Knicks-Pasters game and the Mets and the Dodgers. The fucking uniform the Mets had on, it was gray, black, and purple. They look like the Colorado Rockies. Like not one of the colors in it had anything to do with Mets colors. Then they had this hat with the stupid Queensborough bridge on it, which seemed like a good idea. I feel like it would look better on a shirt. Doesn't look good on the hat. It's just like Aren't people hurting enough? Financially right now you got to come out with yet another Jersey and then all of these maniac sports fans would be like

Oh my god, it's got the Queensborough Bridge. I gotta get the fucking hat. Guess what you don't Just wear the old-school Darrell strawberry Fucking Willie Mays the end of his career, fucking hat. You'll be fine. Fuck these. They used to have third jerseys. Now they have like ninth jerseys. The Red Sox have one that's the same faded green as the Green Monster. Is it? Is that what it is? When are you gonna come out with one that's the same color as the concession guy's shorts? The fuck are we doing here? Alright, that's it.

Having said that, I'll probably buy the green hat. Alright, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.