Monday Morning Podcast - Breakthroughs, A Bike Ride, The Valley | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 12-4-25

Episode Date: December 4, 2025

Bill rambles about breakthroughs, a bike ride, and the valley. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (30:35) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 12-4-17 - Bill rambles about la-z-boys, college playoffs, and nosy neighbors. (01:54:06) - Anything Better Podcast - NFL Week 14 Preview with Paul Virzi. Bill went 3-1 and Paul went 2-2.  They talk about the weeks games as well as crazy people in public, the scene in New Orleans, and Lane Kiffin's move.  SimpliSafe: This month only, take 50% off any new system. This is one of the best prices you will ever see for SimpliSafe.  Go to http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR  Helix:  Take the Helix Sleep Quiz and find your perfect mattress in under two minutes. Go to http://www.HelixSleep.com/burr  for 20% off sitewide.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Whoa. What's going on? How are you? Oh, how is it going in your world? It's fucking December.

You're getting out there, you're shopping, or you're doing it online? You're scrolling. You're picking out shit. You're trying to feel. figure out the European to American conversion side sizes. Is that what it is? Why the fuck do we do everything different? I don't know. It doesn't make any sense to me, man. Like, why don't you just fucking, stop trying to be different? I remember when I was a kid, they tried to get us into the metric system. They were going to do this thing where, like, we finally just joined the rest of

the world, you know, a meter is a little more than a yard. And I remember this whole thing that they were going to try and get us to just fucking for once, stop thinking about ourselves and just get on board with the rest of the world. And America universally was like, well, what are we going to do next? Start liking soccer. And we did, how do you do that? There would be like a generation, like a measurement generation gap. You'd ask your kid how much they would. And you wouldn't know what they were talking about. You wouldn't know how tall they were.

You didn't know how far away they were. These are like major things. You can't undo these things unless the whole thing collapses. And then we install a dictator. And then like if literally if your life is on the line, I think then you can make changes like, all right, I'll go from whatever. What is our system called to the metric system? You know, and I'll start like in your sports and I'll sing the fucking song about you.

You know, I have noticed about countries I've gone to where there's dictators is they have their picture up everywhere. They're sort of like the Instagram like influencers. of their country. And what's weird is they never look happy. They look very stern. Like the vibe, when you're in a country that's ruled by one person, the vibe is dad's home. That's the vibe. Dad's home.

Dad's not going to like what you're doing. Dad's coming up the fucking driveway. And you will all act accordingly. then the dad knows he's being a douche and that eventually his family is going to get fed up with it and they're going to tell him to hit the bricks in one form or another you know so i guess we didn't want to do that over here so we just stayed with uh the fuck is i can't remember what our system is called i do know the other day i had to get a screw what do you got to screw loose dude i had to get a screw something fell off my garage little decorative piece that they

have you know that little arrow thing that they have on the side of garage doors i don't know why i opened the garage door and it just it just fell off you know like it just couldn't do it anymore it just fell in the driveway and i could only find two of the four screws that i needed so i went down to the hardware store hang on a second honey i'm going to the fucking hardware store so i go down there And I can't tell if this thing is metric standard. For all you fucking people out there that have been yelling, I couldn't tell if it was metric or standard. So I had to go through them all until I figured out what it was.

I still don't remember. And then I had to get some light bulbs and shit. And I found out that there's certain light bulbs that they have an app on them. Which means, is this a smart light? Is the light listening to the conversation? so it can like, you know, it's waiting for me to talk about the lights. Like, wow, it seems bright in here. And they're like, ooh, ooh, ooh, that's our cue.

And then everything else you said is recorded and sent to the mother computer to figure out how to sell you more shit. Is that what's going on? I want to ask you a fucking question. How do we keep allowing these infringements on our privacy? While my people, White E, we keep buying clothes that say like freedom, freedom ain't free and all of this but we're doing nothing to stop these corporations

these guys they are the big bad wolf and they keep telling you that it's everybody else and we keep believing them hey abusive person who's the one abusing me oh those people over there thank you and then there we go off we go to go fucking fights some other people when it's really fucking you.

Badoop be deep. Sorry. Oh, Billy Freckles. Billy Freckles is having breakthroughs in therapy, man. I'm finally getting rid of all of this anger. After all of these years of doing like surface work, I'm actually finally getting to the core of it. and I really figured out that, you know,

I guess they say you carry memories in your chest. You carry anger, resentment, hurt, and pain. I do anyway in my gut. And I feel like it all is getting untwisted. And I have tried everything to get rid of this fucking temper of mine. And I think I finally found the thing. and it's you know is what people always told me and i just didn't listen is you got to cry it out of you and that's like an emotion that is denied to men it's denied to women too in general it's just

considered like you just you're not allowed to do it you got to go do it in private go close the door it's something to be shameful of it's really bad because i am finding that like i found like anger you can't fucking move forward you're just stuck in this place but if you cry it's literally that is like the mushrooms of emotions and you feel better afterward and you don't want to abuse yourself you don't want to fucking do drugs or drink or um eat something bad or just punish yourself anymore you stop hating yourself you stop seeing yourself as the way the people abusing you did and made you feel and you can kind of come out of all of that um it's really cool and i actually got to that place through my last acting gig because all these

weird emotions were coming out that had nothing to do with the scene that i was doing when i was rehearsing it and i kind of figured out that when i act i opened the door up to all these emotions that i don't allow myself to feel so then a lot of misdirected shit comes out um so this time after my acting gig i was like you know what i'm going to leave that door open and see what happens and it was a fucking game changer to say the least. Just the fact that I could even tell you guys this without getting emotional. Yeah, like I wouldn't have been able to do that like two, three weeks ago. It's fucked.

fucking crazy how long it took me to just do that and as always it's just you think it's a mountain and you're just stepping up onto like a curb I would say I don't know anyway let's talk football

so my Patriots kick the shit out of the Giants. And then a friend of mine texts me saying, wow, the Patriots are for real. And I'm like, okay, well, not for nothing. You guys have an interim coach, and you have a really young quarterback who hasn't learned to get rid of the ball.

You know, so he's taking a lot of hits he doesn't need to be taking. And I don't know what we'll see, but I'm starting to believe it. I think we got as good a chance as anybody to go pretty far in the playoffs. we shall see i mean i don't i don't know it's such a crazy crazy year i saw like the first um i saw the first quarter i got to watch the rest of the game but then i went and i had like this

massage slash fucking breathing that i did that just fucking blew my mind um it was like a fucking acid trip this woman that was doing it she's pushing on my back going all right this is your liver this is where you store up all your anger don't be afraid of the noises you make and I just fucking went with it and uh dude it was like it was like a psychedelic trip that I took I remember I went back to this town I grew up in when I was really young and I thought I didn't remember a lot of it because I was so young and it turned I blocked out a lot of it and I was It was like I was taking a car ride through this fucking town. And I remembered the names of friends I had, street names, all of this stuff.

And it was almost like I could feel the wind of my faces. I was driving down the street in the car. It was fucking wild. It was the most like peyote experience I've ever had. And I wasn't, I wasn't on any drugs. It's really fucked. this podcast is fucking weird but you know been sitting on this shit for 50 years

so to finally have it out of me or starting to come out or having a way out you know I remember watching this thing this guy was telling this story about deep sea cave diving and how easily you can get

fucking lost and watching it now I kind of feel like this is almost like trauma like if you get lost, like trying to find a fucking way out. It takes you your whole goddamn life. It's nuts. Sorry, dude. I know I'm supposed to be fucking making you laugh here. Jesus Christ. Am I going to bomb tomorrow night? Was it? Yeah, tomorrow night in Bakersfield? I'm not. But my act right now is really weird. My act, like three quarters of it is the guy before these experiences and then the last quarter of it is shit I've written since then. So it's going to be a little physical graffiti.

It's kind of, kind of be like a double album. Or you like, remember when the Black Crows would do like an electric and then an acoustic set? It's kind of, it's going to be, uh, it's going to be weird. So anyway, uh, still been doing the drum thing. Trying to, uh, you know, just doing that exercise to free myself up, which has been amazing. And somebody sent me a video today of somebody like counting off a song and playing it jamming with these guys thinking that he knew it. And he got like halfway through the first verse and realized, oh, this is a different song.

I don't know, I don't know this song. So he was just looking at his bass player and he was giving him where like the hits were. And he sort of just, he was like writing notes on the screen saying like, I have no idea what I'm doing here. But he was such a fucking accomplished drummer that it still sounded great. But then the coolest thing, he said, I start, I'm smiling. here on purpose because I've learned to like smile during these difficult things kind of freeze up your brain or whatever so you don't make um you know you don't get between your ears like I don't know what I'm doing I can't do this shit it's just like well it's in four

I'm playing four so snare two four I'm gonna keep doing this and when he nods I'm hitting a fucking symbol and the kid fucking rode it out um was such a fucking cool video I was smiling ears to ear watching it because as a comedian I know that feeling as far as like you start to go into a joke and halfway through it you're like I don't even remember where this joke goes and then you just stop thinking and something it just kind of comes out of your mouth and it works and you kind of like but if you don't think if you don't think if you don't give it to like that fucking panic um I don't know I don't know

It's a weird thing But I know this is a little fucking hippie-dippy But I'm really happy That I finally I finally fucking got there So any of you other angry people out there Who've been listening to me And you liked me because I was angry and shit

You could relate Just know There is a fucking way out It takes forever You know Or I shouldn't say that It took me for fucking ever But I got a fun afternoon coming up

I'm going to go ride some motorcycles with my buddy Dean Del Rey and the people at Indian motorcycles were nice enough to loan us this beautiful fucking bike. Oh my God, is it gorgeous? It's the Indian Scout RT, sort of a sleeker bagger as opposed to their big, what that chieftain, I think is their big bike. So we're going to take a ride through the canyons today. And that's another great thing for your mental health. I find anyways, like when I'm, riding a motorcycle like I'm not thinking anything about riding the motorcycle and not wiping out hence um I'm really like present and fucking locked in so I'm really thankful for that and uh speaking to which he's coming to pick me up here in a few minutes so maybe uh maybe the next the last half I'll tell you about that ride or whatever um all right and through the magic of editing as I always say I'll be back in about fucking two seconds all right and I

him back. Oh, Billy's back. He's back again. Billy's back, back again. Um, had a great time. Went for a nice, uh, like 50 mile ride through the canyons with, uh, Dean Del Rey, Dean riding that, um, Indian, was it, RT sport scout that, um, the people in Indian motorcycles weren't were nice enough to loan me. And he absolutely loved it. I got to tell you, man, that is a fucking gorgeous bike. It's like this matte red, but it's a darker red, not a maroon. I know it was like reddish black. And just the way the sun hits it and then everything else on it is like, you know, pretty much black, the engine and everything.

And it's fucking gorgeous. And there's no need to even change out the pipes. They just sound amazing. but we went for a ride and I rode the road glide and I was psyched. I rode good. He was like, dude, you're ready to do like a cross-country man. You're like, it was funny. I thought it was because he thought I was going through the canyons easily.

But it was, you know, he said, no, when you were riding slow and doing turns and stuff, just the way you handled it, it was good because that's the scary thing. That bike's a big bike. So it's really like tempting to like get nervous or try to put your foot down. or something like that, rather than controlling it with gyroscopic procession, which I learned back in ground school way back in the day. So anyway, yeah, and we like to go during the week, because on the weekends all the young kids, you know, I give way to the young kids,

all those fast and furious kids, Tokyo Drift kids, you know, once making the Instagram videos. I'm not trying to do that. Oh, Billy Funday, that's what I'm trying to do. I'm not doing wheelies and fucking all this shit. I love seeing kids do that stuff, but I am an old man, and I will act accordingly. My days are showing off or over. So we just went on this incredible ride, and this is one, my favorite turns, like literally a hairpin turn, 180. obviously there and back but on the way there it's tighter you know it's it's as opposed on the

outside coming back but i just absolutely love um i love that fucking harley man just the way it uh it's just like driving a big car you know just gliding down the fucking road literally the road glide can't say enough about it and um you know and we're just up there there's no cars there's no nothing i will say what's funny is this guy like a delivery bike went flying by us on this motorcycle and i don't even think he i don't even think it was like a twin he just it looks like he rode the canyon every day and he went by us like nothing and then he i saw him snaking through the canyon for like maybe another like two minutes and then he was just fucking gone it was hilarious um you know and i also like the younger me would have tried to keep up with them

you know but you get to be an old man you're like yeah yeah go ahead man i don't give a fuck i'm out here i'm going at my own place and one of my favorite parts of the ride is uh when you're about 20 minutes in or something you come around this turn and there's just randomly a couple of houses and there's these trees where the branches go over the over the road and it's kind of flat and a straight away for half a second and i just every time i go through there i feel like i'm in the beginning of a movie you know where you come to some small town you know to get fuel or something and then a bunch of crazy shit happens like that was so many movies when i was growing up it was always like some you know some badass dude comes to town

doesn't want any trouble the locals fuck with them the hot girl of the head local douche gives him the eyes and then and then he just it was you were just off or there was some corrupt cop pulling people over like martin sheen had a great uh made-for-tTV movie where this cop was pushing people off the cliff with his car and then Martin Sheen comes to town and he meets his match. Another great one. Underrated, a lot of those Martin Sheen's

made for TV movies were fantastic. Yeah, so anyway, yeah, we went up and had a good time just cleared my fucking brain and here we are the next day and I'm finishing up the podcast and I'm having another good day here. And speaking of good days, speaking of good days, We got to get into the advertisement here.

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Very excited. Going to be up there with Dean Delray, Ambria Allen, myself. Always great crowds up there. Always really appreciative. of us we get to go through the grapevine driving on the way up there and um i don't know whenever i go up that way i always feel i always think about that movie and that horrible story the the onion field murders i always think about that that was god 60 years ago almost if not 60 years ago that was um two cops pulled over this i don't know one or two guys or something like that

the guy got out of the car he had a gun put it up to the one cop told the other cop to give up his gun and he did and then he kidnapped both of them and drove him up to an onion field in baker's field this is a really dark story and uh he asked one of the cops if he was familiar with the linberg laws after the Charles Lindbergh baby got kidnapped it was automatic death penalty if you kidnapped somebody and you crossed state borders and this guy thought because he left L.A. and went to Bakersfield left a city line he thought that that was in effect he actually wasn't educated on the law so what he was saying is I'm going to get the death penalty for bringing you from L.A. to Bakersfield so he killed the first cop and then the other cop ran away and he couldn't you know it was

dark shot missed the guy ended up escaping identified the two they went to jail for the rest of their lives and then the other cop who survived had like survivors guilt the other cops gave him shit for giving up his gun but what they learned in that case the cops learned was to never give up your gun it was a landmark case and there's actually a portion of the 101 highway that is dedicated to that officer that lost his life. That's what I think when I go up there. And I also think when I go up to the five is the L.A. River enters L.A.

The fake L.A. River. There's like a waterfall where it gets pumped up, those locks and then comes down. And we use that shot when we did old dads. And the reason for that was that our movie took place in Los Angeles, but we wanted to show people that it was taking place in the valley. so that's um that's was what we did like we did that establishing shot where we came up over the hollywood hills to show the valley we had the water come in and all of that and the idea uh the

inspiration for that idea because we were like how do we let people know you know because people's idea of l.a is oh it's you know this woke liberal entertainment city and they don't understand that that is such a small part of the city that there's super conservative. There's all, you know, there's just, you have to really look at the city. There's all south of the 10. There's East L.A. There's all the way out to like the Inland Empire, which I don't think that part is actually part of Los Angeles, but like Burbank is like super conservative.

There's all kinds of gun stores on Magnolia Boulevard. Great gunstores. by the way anything you want you can get there and people don't realize and that's why we put all that stuff in the beginning of it and the inspiration for that was this great movie with um stacey keach and jeff bridges called fat city and i believe they shot it in stockton california and the way that movie starts off is they do like what today would be done with a drone i think they probably did it with a helicopter or a plane. They just flew over the city.

And you got a look at what you could see was once this thriving city and now was sort of in the throes of that rust belt stuff when all the robber barons got sick of paying factory workers a fair wage. They just didn't want to do it. And they were sick of unions forcing them to do it. And they just basically said, okay. you can have your union, you can have the factory, we're going to leave. And then they took everything outside of the country.

And they went back to the wages, you know, percentage-wise, that they paid in the, you know, 1800s right through the early 1900s when people started to unionize and lost their lives fighting these people. They've never wanted to pay anybody. And all of that shit, you know, is like wildly out of control right now. And that's why they're focusing on immigrants and, you know, Mexicans and Chinese people and all of this shit that they're trying to distract you with. Because what it is is if you really look at history is they have never wanted to pay, the guy that runs the company has, you know, if they could pay you nothing. If they could get away with that, they would.

They don't care. And that's why I think they're going into like robotics and AI and all of that. because they want to phase out other people and keep all of the money for themselves. You see them with all of this shit. Oh, the business is shrinking. The business is shrinking. It's, yeah, shrinking into five people's pockets

and they just don't want to pay people. And they, you know, have been able to get away with this by bribing politicians and then controlling the narrative and getting all of us to argue with one another. It's really fascinating. They've been doing this shit forever. And it fucking works. It really fucking works.

Like how divisive. this country is it just it's unbelievable it's like working class people yelling at working class people and then blaming super poor people it's fucking bananas um anyway so that is the podcast everybody uh i'm really looking forward to doing bakersfield i've been did a bunch of spots this week and uh shaking the rust off and um yeah i got the physical graffiti fucking i don't know why i keep saying physical graffiti. It's not like Led Zeppelin was two different types of bands there. I just feel like I'm using the wrong reference. Like my act right now, it's like is me before I've had these breakthroughs, most of my act.

And then there's the post whatever the fuck I am right now. So we'll see how this works out. But I'm looking forward to it. Once again, thank you to everybody that is coming out to my show in Bakersfield. me, Dean, and Ambria are going to be bringing it. So that's it. That is the podcast. We have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon

just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you're cunts. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Monday, December 4th, 2000 and fucking 17. Yeah, there we go. I just realized I just gave a fuck, I just gave Dean Del Rey a check and I wrote

December 5th on it. I thought tomorrow was December 5th. Well, it is by the time you hear this, but I did this Sunday night. Ah, fuck. I got to tell them not the deposit to check. Well, you can still deposit it, right? And then they don't fucking... Whatever. Dean Delray opened for me this weekend. Holy shit. We got the levels up too high here. They're too high. I can't.

hear myself thinking here. For God's sakes, could you just shut it down, please? Thank you. Dude, I'm fucking sitting there. Dude, I'm sitting there. Mind in my own business. In my house. My fucking house. Fuck you, bankers. It's mine

now until I die, then you get it back, don't you? You cunts. They just sit there waiting. If you ever pay off your house, look out your window. There'll be a banker sitting out there like a fucking, like a Goddamn vulture waiting for you to fucking. Look at them eating bacon. I guess bacon's good for you now. I don't know what the fucks. I don't know what I don't know what I'm talking about.

Anyways, I wonder what room I'm going to die in in this house. You ever think about that when you just get the house? Like, I'm not fucking leaving. I'm staying here, right? And then you just once you make that decision, you're like, well, then I'm going to fucking die in here. What room is it going to be? I think a lot of people die at breakfast. nooks, you know, just sitting down having some toast, reading the morning paper. That wouldn't be a bad way to go. Just go face down until like a fucking half piece of grapefruit. Honey? What room would you want to die in? You don't want to do it in the shower, right? That's fucking awful. Then you're all waterlogged. You know, bang your head on the fucking, a lot of people

die in the shower. They slip and fall, you know, and they can't get up, right? And that's why they came out with that fucking that thing there for all the old people. But what a lot of people don't realize is a lot of them fall in the fucking shower and then they go to use their little I've fallen and I can't get up thing

and then they get electrocuted. I don't think that happens. But I would be worried about that. I'm trying to drag my old pruned ass out of the fucking tub. Oh my God. That's got to be the worst. When you get so old you're afraid to take a shower.

You got to bring like a fucking lazy boy in there. Oh shit, I'm sorry. That just fucking struck me. It's funny. You just got a giant lazy, you got a recliner in your shower. It's not always waterproof.

I don't know. The fuck. I love that flashlight that just came out that runs on water. I mean, what are we doing? What the fuck are we doing in the Middle East? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ,

just put that in a fucking car stick 20 of those flashlights in the car i'll drive slower let's just get out of there already right the fuck we think we're doing you know what the middle east is like mil east is like you're a civilian and you get in the middle of like a domestic violence fucking incident you know and you try to break it up you know and the second you go to break it up the woman starts beating on you get off my abusive husband that's what it's like over there just fucking get those water flashlights This is what you do. You get those water flashlights and you put them into fucking scooters that everybody has to ride a scooter, whether you're fat or old or whatever.

You got to ride one and cars are illegal. All right? The amount of people wipe it out and die in, right? Freeze up the fucking traffic. We're not using much oil. And then they go bankrupt over there. How about that? There.

Did I solve the Middle Easter? I'm going to do that every week. Every week I'm going to have a new fucking solution for the Middle East. Anyway, I don't what the fuck I'm talking about Can you imagine just having a giant fucking recliner You know And then you have like that little grabby thing And you just turn on the fucking water

One of those grabby things You know you fucking You pull the handle And then you got an extre like the fucking groceries They always grab like a can of soup or some shit What do you want Beef for broccoli? Whatever they go up there and they fucking yank it down

I don't know That doesn't happen anymore There's no regular person Running a fucking grocery store anymore Is there Grocery store is a fucking weird man They're kind of like the food version of a casino Like you just feel like there's somebody up in the ceiling

Watching you're behind like a two-way mirror When you go in there There's really nothing stopping I remember one time I walked to this grocery store Patrice and we acted like fucking children He got me going like he was so fucking silly i remember one time he just goes uh we were going and he was staying at my apartment from pilot season both of us creeps trying to get on must see tv yeah how do you think

that worked out so um we were in like ralphs or some shit and he just kept going hey bill you want some of these and when he would go to point at it he would like he'd have his hand way too close to the bag and he like he was like bread or something he goes bill you need some of this and he was he just pushed his finger into like fucking three slices of bread through the wrapper and he just started doing that around the grocery store and i was fucking crying laughing he did it to cookies he was doing it to fruit and these giant fucking fingers hey bill you want one of these he just like all the way through the fucking thing and i'm immature as fuck and it was just making me fucking cry laughing he's a comedian

and so he just kept doing it and I was trying to do it I could even you know my fingers weren't I don't know I was laughing too hard I couldn't fucking do it as good as him anyways Jesus I hadn't thought about that for fucking ever and I want to apologize maybe it wasn't Ralph's what the fuck were we I always hated Ralphs you know just a fucking pain in the ass the one that was down the street I used to live off as sunset and there was a Ralph's used to be called rock and roll Ralphs everything was Rock and Roll Denny's, rock and roll Ralph, steps back, like, leftover

from the hair metal shit. You know, the rock and roll Hyatt right next to fucking the comedy store. John Bonham used to ride motorcycles or some shit into the fucking thing. I don't know what. I have no idea. I don't know what the fuck it was.

I even know where we were at. Jesus Christ, I haven't thought of that in front. What the fuck was they talking about? I was talking about being an old man. with a recliner and a goddamn shower. Whatever. That moment's come and gone. That's what happens on the podcast. I just fucking talk and whatever happens, it happens.

By the way, I would like to thank everybody that came out to Albuquerque, New Mexico. I had a great fucking time at Route 66 Casino. That's the second time I played there. I fucking loved that place. The crowd was awesome. And then the next last night,

I played in Tucson, Arizona. Another great time. just fucking great people, great parts of the country, fun fucking crowds. And I got to tell you, I'm acting like a fucking idiot on stage. Like, I think it's my reaction to this fucking, this weird fog that is starting to roll in, slowly rolling in over the last five years on stand-up comedy, where all of a sudden I sit there on stage and sometimes I think after I say something like, did somebody record that?

Am I going to get into trouble? I even thought, I never thought that the first fucking 20, years of my career in the last five years it just keeps creeping into my head and in order to beat it down i i don't know i think i'm going a little harder somebody's got there's got to be some sort of pushback on this fucking vibe that's out there that everything is so goddamn serious now jesus fucking christ a couple guys want to be women a couple guys take their dicks out at work and then all of a sudden everybody's got oh how did he mean that joke is that a joke is that a joke or is that legislation for a new law?

Like this whole fucking vibe that's out there. It's really weird. And fucking young people are acting like old people. You know? And I think that's because they're on social media and all that shit. And they're just watching this stuff 24-7. It's like fucking, I don't know. It's fucking up their brains.

I mean, come on, millennials. You got to do something that's supposed to make me uncomfortable. oh that isn't music christ what are they doing you know i guess they have that new documentary meth town on fucking uh HBO dean delray told me to watch that i can't fucking watch that shit i'm not gonna watch a bunch of toothless fucking people those goddamn people i swear to god they look like they're from the 1800s that's how bad they fuck their faces up with that meth shit i'll tell you once you lose your fucking teeth you look like you're 80 i don't care how old you are. You could take one of those

gorgeous, victorious, secret models. If they don't have any fucking teeth and they didn't get a pshaw or a fucking implant or whatever the fuck you call them, dentures or some shit, if you just walk around toothless, you immediately look,

you look like Homer Simpson's fucking, that guy that falls asleep. His dad? Is it his dad? Their grandfather, right? I don't know. Yeah, so I had that on. I was talking to someone on the phone, and Dean kept telling me, he goes, you got to see it, dude, you got to see it. And even Dean said, man, I fucking shut this thing off like three times. He goes, it's fucking brutal.

So I just had the sound down, and I was watching all these toothless fucking people with these crazed looks on their faces. And I was on the phone, and at one point, I just saw somebody kicking dog shit, like piles of dog shit, different piles all around the house, like hoarding dog shit, out of the way in this person's house with newspaper all over it and stuff. And that's when I turned the channel. I don't know about you guys, but I drew the line at the dog shit. There's a few things that make me turn the channel.

Okay, drug addicts with dog shit in their house and strong female characters make me turn the channel. And not because I have anything against a strong. female character. It's just that they don't develop them. I think everybody in Hollywood is so afraid of getting yelled at by these women's groups that they just throw in these strong female characters but they don't make a three-dimensional

character. They just have a woman yelling at guys and grabbing them by their fucking lapels of their suit and throwing them over couches and shit. It's like they took like leftover Stephen Seagal shit and they're like, well give it to the woman here. See, she's strong? All of a sudden every fucking show,

hey, fuck you with your dick and bull. Just like, who is this fucking person? This guy outweighs her by like a fucking hundred pounds. What am I watching? I watched that recently. I'm not even going to say the fucking show, but I'm watching this guy. This guy's like 40 fucking years old.

He's talking to a 19-year-old redneck woman who lives next to a fucking lake in the middle of Arkansas. She's having a battle of wits with them, and she's winning. I'm like, Jesus, fucking Christ. What kind of a fucking 19-year-old? year old can beat a fucking 50 year old guy in a battle of wits unless they're talking about

fucking Nintendo whatever the fucking kids play Nintendo sorry whatever you guys play I'm not a gamer all right I used to be a boozehound I'm still not drinking the fuck is it it's one of my hundred and something days in at this point

it's 105 to these three days in it's 108 be 109 by the time you listen to this thing but I got to tell I'm fucking, I'm getting weak. I'm getting a week. Oh, the holidays are rolling in. I think I'll be good through December, but I'm going to the fucking Rose Bowl again this year.

This is my 10th Rose Bowl. All right? It's the 10th anniversary for me and Joe Bartnick, the originals. The original fucking drunk maniacs at that game. And what's so fucking awesome now about the college football playoff is that every three years now the Rose Bowl is a playoff game last time it was Florida State in Oregon

I believe Jameson Winston Winston and the guy from fucking the Tennessee Tyson's I can't remember his name Mariotta is that the coach I don't what the fuck the guy from Oregon he's great right and this year it's going to be

the Oklahoma Sooners versus the fucking who else got in let's see it's Clemson versus Alabama and then we got But the fucking Oklahoma is playing who? Nobody in the Big Ten got in. TCU got their fucking asses kicked.

Whenever I watch TCU, they win. I can't believe I fucking missed that. Who the fuck is Oklahoma playing? Wasn't Wisconsin. Clemson is Alabama. I got to hit pause here. This is going to, no, fuck that. You guys can listen to how dumb I am.

I know this. USC didn't get in. It's got to be a conference fucking champion. Miami lost to Clemson. Auburn didn't get in Who the fuck is it I gotta hit pause I don't know the fuck it is

I'm an asshole Georgia I actually didn't look it up I just sat there and I fucking started thinking Who the fuck else was in there Miami Central Florida Florida State South Carolina Gators Georgia

That's how I did it It started down I always start down to Miami And I fucking worked my way up the Georgia Bulldogs And I know there's a lot of people were upset A lot of people were upset that It's such a flawed fucking system I know Jay Lawhead was telling me that

fucking Alabama didn't play anybody He's like they didn't fucking play anybody And then I'm thinking like well the Big Ten wasn't his fucking You know Wisconsin being undefeated is amazing Until you fucking look at the You know The western side of the fucking Big Ten

Nebraska stinks Illinois was pathetic Indiana steaks Minnesota steaks Northwestern was decent They were seven and two But I mean if they won their last seven games But they played nobody

And I was sitting there going like so I'm like what the fuck is he talking about You know It's like you guys lost to fucking Iowa Iowa Iowa was halfway decent Penn State was overrated What the fuck you're talking about So you know what I did

I actually listened to Jay Lawhead, and I looked up the fucking Alabama Crimson Tides fucking schedule, and I got to tell you, I think I could have got them five fucking wins. Jay Lawhead, sorry, Jay Lawhead, I owe an apology to. This is who they played. Florida State, who stinks. Then they played Colorado State. I don't even know what. Those fucking people should be selling insurance out there.

Get rid of that football team. Mississippi, they stink this year. Arkansas stunk this year. LSU. You know, they came on late, but they stink. I love them. Mercer, is that a woman's college? I don't even know who the fuck that is.

Fresno State, I went to that game. Fresno State, you know, I'd say they stink, but I've watched too many of those behind the scenes things about Fresno. I'm not going to say shit about Fresno. I'm just saying, you know, they could have been a little better. Vanderbilt, they're too fucking smart to be good. Texas A&M, they stunk. Tennessee fucking stinks.

Mississippi State was decent. Then they played Auburn, who was a good fucking team. and they lost However, they did beat the shit out of people They won 24-7, 41-23 66 to 3, 41-9 They did beat the fuck out of people 56 to nothing

Against the woman's college 41 to 10 59 to nothing against Vanderbilt They play a bunch of fucking architects Nate Bargotsi was starting at fucking punter 2719 against Texas A&M 457 Hey, by the way, all those students that fuck that guy out of that fucking head

coaching job at Tennessee were those signs that they wrote, was that true? You know, because they really fucking, I don't know, man. I hope they did some research. This whole fucking trial by internet. I'll have to look that up, man,

because that was like fucking some of the shit that people wrote on signs. He was at Penn State. I don't know, during the whole time or part of the time when that Sandusky guy was there. But it's just like, you know, I don't understand this. I love how one guy does some shit, then all of a sudden, like the most horrific fucking thing you could do, basically, and then all of a sudden everybody fucking

knew and nobody said anything, everybody, everybody. I'm not saying there weren't a few people like, oh, Jesus, we got to fucking protect the university, but just anybody who is there is automatically fucking guilty. some of these fucking kids man this whole trial by fucking social media is a little out of control there but anyways I'm going off the rails here

so I don't know we'll see we'll see what the fuck happens I know Jay was upset that Ohio State didn't get in you gotta say Ohio State had a tougher schedule than fucking Alabama easily easily had a tougher fucking schedule but what about what about

Auburn what about Auburn man they beat Georgia when they were number one. Then they beat Alabama. They beat two fucking number ones. Then they had to go back and beat fucking George again. They couldn't do it. You know what happened with that? The fucking Auburn's coach opened his big fat fucking mouth.

We kicked a dog crap out of them, didn't we? We don't kick the dog crap out of them, didn't we? You know what I mean? I hope every fucking person who's in sports journalism, I hope they watch that. They see that fucking clip. and then you see the fucking Georgia Bulldogs showing up the next game with flames coming out of their fucking nostrils.

You know, the next time you're going to sit there and trash Bill Belichick and say he's quote unquote so boring in his press conferences. That's because the man is a genius. Bill Belichick is never going to be like, we kick the dog crap on them. Hey, wait, we don't kick the fucking dog crap on the boom. Why the fuck would you say that? You know who says that the kind of guy who wears a fucking golfing hat when he's coaching a football team?

What a dumb fucking thing. That is the stupidest fucking thing you can do. Remember when the fucking cowboys were fucking kicking the shit out of the Steelers in like Super Bowl 9 or 10? I don't know, about 40 years ago. You ever look at those highlights? And fucking Roy Jurella missed that field goal. And stupid-ass Cliff Harris got in his face, patted him on the fucking helmet. And then Lambert came over and just body slammed Cliff Harris back when you could do that.

And there wasn't a fucking, you know, a bunch of fines. And you had to go fucking sing acapella to some fucking woman's group, whatever the fucking punishment is now. Right? You could do that. That turned the tie to the game. Keep your fucking mouth shut until you're holding the championship trophy. And then you don't need to talk shit because you won it. You fucking, ugh.

We don't kick the dog crap out of them. What happens? You play him a few weeks later, you get the old right there, Fred, don't you? So anyways, there was a lot of, there was a lot of, I was 100% wrong. I thought Jay LaHead was just being a fucking homer. He was absolutely fucking right. Alabama didn't play anybody, but they scored a lot of fucking points. Who knows?

We'll see. We'll see. Now, if Alabama goes in and wins the whole fucking thing, then what does that do? I actually like how vague this is. And how many arguments that it creates. Just the whole fuck, you know, and at the end of the day, you can't open this up to some giant fucking march madness. The game is just simply too fucking violent. I love that it's four teams and I love that people get left out.

You know, the same way I love seeing a little kid crying because his mother wouldn't get him the toy that he wanted. That just warms my heart whenever I see that. I hate seeing little spoiled breaths. Fuck you. I gave you Cheerios this morning, didn't you? Didn't I? You know, meanwhile, I'm going to spoil the shit out of my daughter. I'm all over the map here.

I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. So that's what I did all day. All day on Friday and Saturday, I just watched fucking college football, other than when I was traveling, going out to the fuck did I fly out to? Albuquerque, New Mexico. And you know what's funny?

It was a six-hour drive from Albuquerque to Tucson. I should have done that. I wasn't paying attention. I actually flew down, and rather than getting a direct flight, I had to connect through Phoenix. So it was the fight. I could have flown from L.A. to the goddamn Columbus, Ohio. You know?

And speaking of Buckeyes, right? And the amount of time that took me. And the fucking person who flew us from Phoenix, from Albuquerque to Phoenix, okay? we're taxiing out to get to the I don't know on a way out to the runway right and the guy bangs a left and then quickly goes back to the right

and I was just like whoa what the fuck and I was like well you know maybe it was the tower maybe they said make a left on Bravo oh no I mean right sorry right correction go right on Bravo right so I got this app where I can listen to the tower so I put it on to hear to try and listen to see if I could hear anything which I couldn't

so we take off flight's great flying everything's fine no fucking problems we come in land land landing was nice and everything

and then we're going in we're taxing in we go in to get into the uh where you park the plane whatever the fuck you call that the gate and this fucking guy

he literally did a donut he did a 360 with the airplane he once again went left when he was supposed to go right and we fucking did an entire three not maybe not an entire 360 I think he just missed the gate and he just drove

by it. And then he couldn't go right into it because he would have hit the other plane so he had to, because it was on the right-hand side. He had to bang the left and we literally, he did like a fucking donut. And everybody's in the plane like, what the fuck are we doing? Guy had a bad day.

He or she, whoever the fuck was up front. It was hilarious. Everybody was getting off the plane like, dude, what the fuck was that? The hell just happened there. You know what happens? You drive down the street. Sometimes you miss the home depot? You're like, ah, fuck, I got to go back around again.

I don't feel like doing it legally, and you just fucking bang a Ui, right? Well, the same thing happens in aviation evidently. Ever fucking dently, the same thing happens. Jesus, what the fuck is going on in Kansas City, by the way? They lost to the New York Jets. Jets are decent.

Good Lord. This is why, you know, coaching in the NFL has got to be a bitch. Can you imagine Andy Reed after September? Starts the year. They fucking beat the dog. We beat the dog crap out of them fucking patriots, right?

Not really. They just dominated the fourth quarter and ran away with it at that point, right? Everybody's all excited. Holy shit. And all of a sudden, Tom Brady's fucking old. And the fucking water goes down the drain the different way. Black is white. White is black.

You don't know what the fuck's going on. All the way through September, I bet he started to build an addition onto his fucking house, you know, getting ready to put that fucking trophy in there and after these last two fucking months the last eight goddamn weeks I would say that that they've stopped the construction he probably has a tarp over the top of it um I like Andy Reid I hope they turn it around I haven't been able to watch the game but Jesus fucking Christ they can't get a goddamn win they cannot get a fucking win so um I actually watched a bunch of football today too when I when I landed I watched the Patriots

as far as the bills. I thought that was going to be a lot closer game. I thought Tyrod Taylor was going to give us headaches, all right? Tyrod Taylor, I like that guy, but I'll tell you right now, he is no Russell Wilson. And after watching the fucking Seattle Seahawks tonight, I'm going to go out on a limb. I think I could block for Russell Wilson. I could just have a guy in about eight seconds run around me and then just watch him fucking be like this modern-day Fran Tarkington.

That guy is fucking unbelievable. I don't even know how good Seattle's offensive line is. I don't even know if they're decent. All I know is at the end of every game, they should be giving, they should be fucking making it rain at Russell Wilson's locker. Because they're all going to get a big contract because I guarantee you. He probably got sacked, probably, I don't know what, three times, four times less than he should have. The fucking Eagles were in the backfield.

It was like every time he went back for the pass, the guy had run the, like an extra 40 yards until somebody got opened they got them like I don't know like I felt like they got it maybe two or three times that game maybe but Jesus Christ

is that guy fun to watch and Seattle looks they look really strong man I was actually kind of like rooting for the Eagles because you know I don't know what the Patriots are going to do you never know when you're playing the

AFC East you know that's our fucking schedules like the Alabama Crimson Tide You don't dolphin stink Bill stink The Jets stink This year they're all fucking average You know what I mean

There's literally six wins right there So I really don't know how good we are But that was a huge game tonight This really feels like a sports podcast I did start off talking about fucking old people And lazy boys right didn't I And I also believe I solved the Middle Eastern crisis I just watched

I'm sorry I just watched a ton of fucking football and well at this point you've got to be into football if you're still listening so I'm not going to apologize I should apologize like fucking 10 minutes ago but I don't know

that defense looked fucking great Richard Sherman isn't even in there can I ask you guys a fucking question about the Achilles tendon why do you rupture your Achilles tendon but you tear your ACL? Why is that? Why don't you rupture your ACL and tear your

fucking Achilles tendon? Why is that? Is it because your Achilles tendon goes up your back of your leg like a fucking window shade? Is that what it is? You know, I'm actually going to look that up. I'm going to look that up. I'm going to put this fucking urban

myth. Is it an urban myth? Bill? No, it's not. It's a, uh, I don't know. It's a fucking question I have. Why do you rupture? Oh, that's not going to come out, right? Your Achilles. Okay, wait a lot. Because it'll be like,

because you fucking didn't stretch. That's the wrong way to search. How about rupture versus tear Achilles? All right, let's see what we got here. What do we got here? Achilles tendon rupture is an injury that affects the back of your lower leg. Oh, is that where it is? Jesus Christ.

All right. It mainly occurs in people playing. recreational sports. That means white guys playing pickup hoop. Every fucking white dude I know over the age of 40, 35, 40 who still plays hoops. Every one of them gets the Kobe injury. But it can happen to anyone. That's why before you get out of bed, if you're a fucking old person, especially an old white guy. All right. I don't know the main black guys other than fucking Richard Sherman and Kobe Bryant. Like superstar black guys do it, right? But average white people just all the fucking time. I'm just making up shit here.

Before you get out of bed in the morning, I'm telling you, if you run a little tight, okay, I'm telling you, I've said this before, you fucking take your toes, point them at your knees slowly, all right? And if you get a, if you get a fucking Charlie horse in your fucking calves, immediately point your toes in the other direction and it will release, okay? But if you don't, just point in your fucking, do it right now at your desk, what the fuck are you, you not doing shit, right? Well, you're sitting down, right? Don't do it. Wait till you fucking laying down. Don't listen to me, but I'm still going to talk here, right? point your toes at your knees

and your kneecaps that's all you do and you just do that for a good I don't know 15 20 seconds right then you point them in the other direction at the fucking wall or whatever in front of you all right your dog that's laying on the end of your bed

okay then once you do that for 15 seconds then you roll your fucking feet clockwise a couple times then counterclockwise then you get out of bed don't just lay there for fucking eight hours sleeping with your goddamn apnea and then just pop out of bed and take that first step because you're going to get, you're going to be fucked.

Blantifioritis, all that bullshit. All right, let's continue. The Achilles tendon is a strong fibrous cord that connects the muscles in the back of your calf to your heel bone. If you overstretch your Achilles tendon, it can tear. Fuck. Wait a minute. I thought it was because you didn't tear slash rupture completely or just partially.

If your Achilles tendon ruptures, you might hear a pop, followed by an immediate bitch-like scream that appears to come from your mouth area. Now, followed by an immediate sharp pain in the back of your ankle and lower leg that is likely to affect your ability to walk properly. Surgery is often performed to repair the rupture. For many people, however, non-surgical treatment works just as well. This is not answering my fucking question. Why do they say rupture for Achilles? I can't believe I know how to spell Achilles. It's how big a fucking Zeppelin fan I am.

I spelt it wrong. Achilles tend to rupture, sir, what to do if you're, you know what? You know what? I don't even give a fuck anymore. Somebody's got to be a goddamn doctor. A first responder who could fuck. and tell me what it means.

All right, let me read a little advertising here for the week. You know what's cool is in that Ken Burns to War. They had a North Vietnamese soldier. I swear to God, his first name was Boo. And he wrote a book about his experiences, and I got to read that fucking thing. It's always great to hear what the other side was thinking. You know what I mean?

It humanizes them, but they're fucking scared. They miss their family. You know what I mean? Well, that never works in sports. go to somebody else's stadium. He's still like, I don't like these fucking cuts. All right, 38 fucking minutes in here. Did I talk about everything I wanted to talk about? I don't know. Did I? Do you know what? I ordered this old modern drummer because

it was right around the time John Bonham died and they had this little John Bonham retrospective. I thought they were going to be a little more shocked that he was gone. They just kind of said, you know, he's one of the great drummers of all time. He has all his beats and all that shit, you know. It's really cool one. Like, what's his face? It's on the cover. Let me see who's on the cover. I don't even know who's on the cover. It's so long ago. It's 1981. Hang on a second.

Hang on a second. As I walk across the room to try and find it. It's it's, uh... Oh, shit. It's Peter Chris. Peter Chris. And he's sitting, I swear to God.

He is playing a pearl drum kit with concert tombs for you novices out there that means there's no bottom heads if you ever watch Phil Collins that's what he had right and uh or still has he has a kick and a snare and then he has one two three four five six seven rack tombs and two floor tombs so he has an eleven piece kit to play I want to rock and roll all night in party every day

do do do do do do do do do do do do four hours later that's what I like about these old fucking that fucking kit is the shit and then they got like back then they had all of these they got these fucking drum kits

Do you guys remember when they'd have the, on the bass drum, they'd have the, they'd mount two tombs and then they'd have a third one there. When I opened this up, Ludwig, they've always had the inside front cover. They actually, this guy from Ardeo's Speedwagon, Alan Gratzer, he has four fucking Tom's. How the fuck could you even reach those ones up top? Unbelievable. Anyways, I love looking at this shit.

You look at like the bass drum pedals that they had. This was like the 80s. This was like 15 years after John Bonham did good times, bad times. So I can't, you know, I know he's like the Ludwig Speed King. Look at Peter Chris's kid. Fucking British Racing Green. He looks good, man. He looks good without the makeup back in 1981.

Anyways, I don't know. I'm into that old shit. I'm sorry. I don't know what the fuck I brought that up. I just wanted to bore you guys to tear. All right, tears. All right, okay, 41 minutes, and I can start reading it. God knows the way I fucking read.

Does anybody know how you fucking remember your ICloud password or your Instagram password? I just fucking, I just, once I lose them, and then I just, I can't, it's like I can't get into my own house. All right, girlfriends, friends, boyfriend demands an apology. Girlfriend's friend's boyfriend. All right. So you have a girlfriend who has a friend. friend who has a boyfriend, and they want an apology from you. Dear Burbank, bad boy, brain, red bird, red burr, whatever the fuck that means.

Bill Burbank, that's going to be my fucking alias. I've got an interesting one for you. A little bit of context. I am 24 and two years out of school. I live with my girlfriend of almost five years, roughly two years ago on a sorority trip with my girlfriend, her friend and her friend's boyfriend. I gave the girl one of those awkward side hugs after she went out for a beer run. No sexual intent whatsoever, just to thank you.

Evidently, the boyfriend felt otherwise and flew into a rage shortly thereafter. Insulting the girl and my girlfriend. I didn't learn about this until well after, and since I have no relationship with the guy, was content to let it be. Now wait a minute Did the guy see the side hug? All right Wait, what the fuck happened?

I gave the girl of one of those awkward side hugs after she went out for a beer run No sexual intent Whatever just to thank you Evidently the boyfriend Felt otherwise and flew into a rage Shortly after I guess he waited to you leave Well, this guy's a pussy that.

What are you worried about? If he was fucking there, would she call him up? Um, he fucking touched this opposite side shoulder of mine. All right, flash floor for two years later, the two of them have just gotten engaged. My girlfriend will be a bridesmaid and learn from the other girl. I will not be invited to the wedding unless I apologize to the boyfriend. Now, go fuck yourself. Fuck this fucking pussy.

why doesn't he call you up you can't go to my wedding and this you apologize me why is this woman marrying this guy two years later he's still mad about a side hug Jesus Christ how possessive is this fucking maniac I feel bad for the woman that's marrying this lunatic All right for inappropriately touching his girl

Well dude by the way I'm just hearing your side of the story You know did you do one of those awkward side hugs And then as your hand came off her shoulder it accidentally went across her ass if it was just an awkward side hug I say fuck this guy out of respect for my girlfriend I'm tempted to apologize but since an apology is a mission of guilt

and I didn't do anything wrong my pride is holding me back you know what because you just said that I actually believe in you I actually believe you I'm surprised that he's been too cowardly to approach me and is having to work through two people to get what he wants what we do do you know what I would do I would go

fucking find out what sports is playing in that area tell my girlfriend to have a good time at the fucking wedding. Love the podcast, love to stand up. Thanks. This is what I would say. I would just say I did nothing wrong, so I'm not apologizing. And tell that groom to be, congratulations on getting married.

And at some point, he might want to grow a dick if he wants to be the man of the house. I'll get some fucking balls. Dude, fuck that guy. I would go to a fucking tractor pole before I would go to that fucking wedding. Oh, Jesus Christ You don't be fucking hilarious Go to the wedding anyways And then after they fucking exchange their goddamn vows

Go up and give her a side hug Yeah, dude, fuck that Fuck that I don't feel I don't see any Your letter that there's any pressure From your now girlfriend You know However if you don't go

She might be Oh what the fact They've been going out less than us, and they're getting married. It fucks my ring. You might have to go down that road. But I've got to tell you, this might be a two-for. You've already been dating this woman for five fucking years. You're not giving her a ring.

So what the fuck do? I say you dump your girlfriend and tell that guy to go fuck himself. And, you know, I dump everybody in this fucking story. Sorry, I'm a little grumpy. Don't listen to me. But I definitely wouldn't apologize to that guy. And I wouldn't go to the wedding. I mean, you're a guy.

Who the fuck wants to go to a wedding? This is great. You've got to know. All right. And just stay with that. I just can't do it because I feel it's an admission of guilt. And during this sensitive time, this climate, I'm worried that if I say I'm sorry, then this was somehow going to my Instagram, which is tied to my Facebook and over to my Twitter,

and I might not get a job. Just call that fucking room. Or you could just be a man and just say, I'm not apologizing that guy. Fuck him. All right. and then your fucking girlfriend, you're not going to be with me. I would love to go, but I'm not going under those circumstances. And I'll tell you right now, if you didn't do shit and the fucking bride wanted you

apologize and you didn't want to, I would back you. So I'm not going. If you want to go, you can go. If you're not going, get over here and blow me and let's go to the game. There you go. That's what you say. All right, boyfriend rides motocross. Dear Bill, I love all your work in your comedy.

Thank you. You're so inspired. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, bup-de-p-do. Okay, where I'd like your input. Here we go. I'm seriously dating someone who loves to ride in race motocross. That's fucking awesome.

I bet this isn't the same woman from the last one, you know? I bet this isn't the guy that's getting married. The motocross guy. This guy doesn't like a fucking side hug. He's just going to fucking punch you in the face with his motorcycle glove still on, right? We've been together for over a year. so I'm starting to think about marriage and a family with this person

because we're both 25. Well, that makes sense. He's awesome in every way and the person I know I want to be with forever. Well, there you go. But he loves to ride and race motocross. It's not on the professional level. It's a hobby.

Oh, sweetheart. You're going to do this? You're going to take away his fucking hobby? We had a talk recently where I asked him how long he wants to keep riding and he said forever. I know someone who has two children who husband had an accident riding a dirt bike

he's paralyzed and doesn't remember who his kids are oh Jesus Christ there's people who get in cars I mean come on man what are you doing this is come on I'll tell you right now if you this guy who you want to marry if you want to make him fucking miserable after explaining this to my boyfriend he said

if something's going to happen to me it will whether I'm riding motocross or not I'm not going to change what I love doing because of fear of what could happen. I got to tell you this. I understand why you love this guy. I'm starting to develop feelings for this guy. He's holding his ground. He's riding motorcycles.

I mean, you're dating the fucking Marlboro man here. I think that's a selfish response when it involves your children. I hate to try and, well, you don't have any kids yet. All right? You said, I hate to try to convince him to stop something he loves doing so much, but I can't imagine being with someone who participates in an extreme sport as a hobby when I have children with him. Is it wrong of me to ask him to promise to stop and we have kids, or am I being controlling? Well, first of all, the fact that you ask that, you're a cool person, all right, if you're actually questioning your behavior.

This is the thing. I think you're a little further ahead emotionally in this relationship than when he's at where most women are. All right. And this is the thing. When you become a dad, you do change. All right? So that rather than fucking nag him about this shit, just let the guy ride. And if you get married, okay, I'm telling you right now, when you get married and you have a fucking kid,

this guy is going to be so fucking sleep deprived and so goddamn tired he's not going to have time to ride okay though as much as he used to which will then make it safer because he's not riding as much but um i think there's a big thing you can't when you love somebody you have to let them do what they love unless it's heroin okay or being a pedophile obvious fucking things all right but other You know, if my laugh like all of a sudden wanted to be one of those roller derby queens, as much as it would fucking destroy me watching her taking those bumps as their elbow in them as they're skating around, if she really loved doing it, you know, I wouldn't tell her not to fucking do it.

I really would be worried about concussions and shit like that. I would be. I'm not going to lie to you, but you got to let people do what they do. It sounds like you got a really cool guy that. you're dating, by the way. So congratulations. And I think you're going to be a great mom because you're doing what a mom does. A mom's already looking way into the future, trying to figure out where the danger is and try to eliminate it. All right? So I think you're both lucky to have each other. Just fucking relax. Get yourself a goddamn glass of wine. Let the guy ride

his bike. You know, you guys get married someday. I'm telling you, when you get fucking knocked up and all of a sudden he's got to go to 7-Eleven, you know, because you want beef jerky in a fucking, I don't know, and some goddamn ice cream, whatever you're craving is, you know, believe me. Like, I have had to make adjustments in my life. I think you'll be fine.

But you definitely really, you know, you know, they would say a good man's hard to find. A good woman is also hard to find. And the fact that you're cool enough to actually be considering, am I being a douche here, I think you guys are going to be all right. All right, there you go. All right.

Neighbor invasion. Dear Billy Mango Tits. I don't know what that means. It's bizarre, and I like it. All right, I am an older lady who just moved into a sweet cottage in the boondocks last month. All right. I met my next door neighbor before I moved in, and I liked her instantly as she seemed warm and funny. As it turned out, she's a Kramer.

In the first week, she came knocking. on my door numerous times for social calls. Oh no. And she will stay for long periods of time, even if I tell her I'm busy. And she won't sit down. So I feel like a captive audience to her monologues. I'm a solitary person and I don't like people coming over unannounced unless it's an emergency. This ain't little house. Little House in the Prairie. I have told her firmly on numerous occasions to fucking stop it. Good for you. You're a strong person. I like it.

And I would appreciate her emailing me and waiting for a response or leaving a note if she wants to hang out. I'm not sure how much more clear I can be that I am uncomfortable with the situation, especially when I see her face in my kitchen window at night waving me down. It scares this shit out of me. Yeah, that made me uncomfortable. She's even knocked on my bathroom window when I didn't answer the door. I don't wish to be mean

Oh no, you got to be mean You have to be mean Since I live next to her I know she's lonely And well yeah Because she's a fucking lunatic What kind of can you Look what she's doing to you

And you don't even live with her Can you imagine living with this woman Should be like that thing An alien that's on those fucking people's faces I know she is lonely And I'd like to be friends with her But she But she just no comprendo

Love your podcast and advice and thanks you ginger moose knuckle for not being a sex offender because all my heroes are going down well you know it's still early in this game you know someone could accuse me or something god knows it doesn't matter what the fuck

I mean I don't know nobody really innocent nobody who seemed innocent has fucking seemed to have been called out yet you know there's a couple people been like I've never met that woman in my life and then it fucking goes away so I think it's all right right still makes you nervous as a guy going

Jesus Christ, you know, this whole trial by social media is kind of scary over there. All right, let's stay with the topic here. I don't know what I would just be. Look, all I can't tell you what to do. All I can tell you is what I would do, all right? I would do what you already did. And, all right, you want to know what I would do? And when she knocks on the door, I'd be like, get out of here.

Fuck off. I would do that. And when she knocked down my window and scared this shit out of me, I'd be like, dude, are you out of your fucking mind? You're scaring this shit out of me. I want to be friends with you, but you suffocate me, you asshole. All right? Do you want to be friends with me?

Yes or no. Yes, great. Then stop being a fucking jerk off. Stop knocking on my fucking door and my window. Stop crying. All right. All right. Come on in.

Come in. I'm sorry. Let me make you some lemonade. She's one of those people. I don't know. I would, I don't know what I would. I get a BB gun. Maybe shoot her in the fucking knee as she comes over. Maybe she'll think it's a beehive or some shit. I don't know what I would do. I don't know what the fuck I would do if you've actually told her that. She sounds like a crazy person. Why would you want to be friends with a crazy person? I think you just got to ignore her. Like the next time she knocks on her Your window like that I would just knock back on the other side of the window

I'd knock back and then give her the finger See how she handles that That's one way to do it The other way to do it is to start talking about shit that freaks her out If she's really religious Just talk about how much you love Satan And you've given yourself over to him I don't know what else you could do, fart in your presence.

I don't know. I don't have no idea. I don't know what to do. I feel bad for you. For some reason, it reminded me of misery. I just keep picturing that woman. Walking up to your window. The cockat duty, whatever fucking come up to your window.

It's a very American horror story. Wife cries at least. So I hope that helps you out. I would just be more firm. Writer a letter. Dear neighbor, fuck off, sincerely. Solitary woman in college cottage next to you, right? All right.

Wife cries at least three times a week. Dear Bill Burr Baggins, a big fan of your F.U. attitude towards life. I don't have a fuck you attitude towards life, okay? I think it's very precious. And know that I am taking notes. by telling people to go fuck yourself. All right.

Anyways. Anyways, I have an issue with my wife to be because she cries all the time. All right, that's a deal breaker for me. I already have my advice. Next time she cries, just gently put your hands on our shoulders. I'd be like, honey, honey, honey, grow up. No, you can't do it. We've known each other since January 2017, and our marriage was arranged, not forced, but arranged.

All right, this is like tear and rupture. What the fuck does that mean? We both chose to marry each other after our parents allowed us to talk on the phone for a few months. What the fuck is this? What in God? Of course you did. If they didn't allow you to talk on the fucking phone, the first time you put it. poke your head out of the ground, yeah, you're going to marry whatever you do just to get away

from those controlling maniacs. Anyways, since we've been together and she's cried more times than I've cried in my life, including the times I've cried during my childhood, you ever think she's crying because she doesn't want to marry you? That's what I'd be worried about. She cries for various different reasons, like her little sister annoys her, feels like she's lucky to have me, feels like her parents don't value her, or she feels like she won't do me proud as a wife. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I don't even know what to do

with this person. But you know that you seem like you're from a different part of the world, a different culture. So, but you, you do seem annoyed, but oh, my God. Jesus fucking Christ. I think I would start crying. I just, if you don't stop crying, I swear to God, I'm going to kill myself and that would make her cry even more and just be like, what do I have to do? Okay, anyways, we are definitely getting married as that line has been crossed.

So cutting it off isn't a possibility. Dude, where the fuck are you in the world? I love her more than you love the freckles on your face. But this is crying is wearing me down. No, it seems like you still have a sense of humor about it. As I have to comfort her every time and just stare at her on FaceTime as she cries. At times, it just gets super annoying because she does cry over small shit.

I got to tell you something, I don't know this woman, and she's already, she's annoying the shit out of me. Anyway, she has a busy schedule because she's training to be a teacher. Oh, God. I hope she doesn't fucking teach some underprivileged kids she'll have a goddamn nervous breakdown

the second she starts crying and shows weakness it's going to be over anyways getting a post-grad organizing Islamic events parentheses no ISIS jokes please

and she does an Islamic course at night so I understand that she has shit loads on her plate she's underconfident and she feels like she's not the model woman

you see on Instagram, although I assure her that she is beautiful and I love her just the way she is. I really don't know how to deal with this or even approach the situation. Sometimes I find that I am avoiding her because I know it will lead to crying and what have you. What do you suggest? Your podcast is sex to my ears. Nia is awesome and I hope Lola is not giving Nia too many sleepless nights. Thank you for listening, old bright ball bag, Billy. Jesus fucking Christ.

Jesus fucking Christ. I don't know what to tell you, dude. I really don't know what the fuck to tell you. I don't know how to solve this. This is like, how do you tell a woman to stop? crying in a way that doesn't make them cry more. All right, okay, you know what I do when my wife is going to cry, and I don't think it's that big a deal, or I just don't want to deal with it?

When she starts to cry, I just look at her, and I jut out my bottom lip, and I make the saddest most pathetic. Just picture like a sad clown. I make the saddest stupidest face, stupidest face, and I look down while still looking up at her. Just imagine that look. And it always makes her laugh, and she gets fucking mad at me because she can't continue crying because I look so fucking ridiculous. And another way you could do it is right before you make that face, you take a big inhale. You go, and you just make that face.

And I'm telling you, if she has a sense of fucking humor, that's what I would do. I think that's what I would do I would just joke my way out of it anytime she was crying over nothing I would start crying with her like I just don't feel that I'm going to be a good enough husband

for you and be like and I would just be like I worry about that too now you have to know this I am a dick all right but that's what I would do. I would just start doing that. And what's going to happen is hopefully she'll toughen up a little bit.

Jesus Christ. Do you know how fucking nervous that would make me if a woman was crying because she loved me that much and was worried that she wouldn't be a good fucking, I would break up with her. I'd be like, I can't handle that pressure. Jesus, what is going to happen when she finds out I can't fucking read out loud? Mom's comment on pizza. Good luck to you, sir. That's what I would do.

I would use humor. I would use humor. You know, next time she'd go, honey, can I talk to you about something? I would have like 40 fucking boxes of Kleenex and just fucking run over with like five boxes of Kleenex. I would just do something to make it silly and ridiculous. And then she might get upset that you do that. I guess I would then say the fuck would I say

I would just be honest just say listen I I love you to death but you to let the amount that you cry I don't know how to deal with it oh fuck that made you cry Jesus Christ

what do you guys say what do you Islamic guys say when you curse what are you what are you say instead of Jesus Christ what do you what are you say, do you say something, do you take Mohammed's name in vain? Do you do something like that?

I know, whatever the fuck it is you say. I would, I would be really, that would really, I mean, that's a lot. These fucking letters are a lot this week. Okay, the fucking neighbor, the goddamn fucking douchebag who needs an apology for a fucking side hug through two different women, he needs to get his apology. that guy is such a pussy. What kind of fucking guy unvites another guy to a fucking wedding is if that's some sort of punishment?

He just made his day, you asshole. If you really didn't like the side hug, you should make him fucking go there. And then there's the one cool chick who fucking boyfriend rides motocross. All right. Not saying the other people weren't cool, but good Lord, wife cries

at least three times a week. I read that as three times a day. Three times a week. That's still a lot. It's 156 times a year. That's what I would do. All right. 365 minus 156.

Oh, Jesus. 256, 250. That's 194. 194 days you're not crying. 156 you are. Okay. That's like Marty Schottinheimer's lifetime record. That's the way you're crying.

Days you cry versus days you don't. And that's not enough to make it in this league. Okay, so I'm going to need you to toughen it up at least two thirds more. Why don't you tell us she's allowed to cry once a week unless something really bad happens? Okay? You know what you can do? You can go to the pet store and get one of those shocker callers. And every time she starts to cry, just fucking zap her.

I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. All right, mom's comment on pizza leads to breakup. I have no idea where this is going. All right. Hey, Bill, weekly listener here. Love F is for family and all your stand-up stuff. Keep up the good work.

My question is, what experiences? A, Nia. Oh, good to see you. Come on in. Come on in. Hey, Nia, this guy's fucking. wife cries three times a week. Why?

That's hilarious. Did you guys hear that? She goes, why? Are you going to cry? She cries because she loves him so much. She just did a spit take. I swear to God. She does not.

Yes, she does. Nobody loves somebody that much they cry. Well, this is the thing. They're Islamic, and their parents allowed them. I love you so much. Like, knock it off. Exactly. I was telling them what I do when you cry.

Remember that time when you cried? I just kept making that face. I go, which was not helpful, by the way. It helped me because I just didn't want to deal. It's not about you. It's about me. If I'm crying, I'm having an emotion about something. Can I tell you something?

Your job isn't to like check out and figure out how to wait for you. to deal with it your job is to like check in and figure out how i can deal with it your job is to make me feel better not cope for yourself god yeah but sometimes you just don't want to deal with like like you know when i you know when i occasionally just don't want to deal just fucking deal be a nice person be emotionally open don't be a fucking vast wasteland of non-emotion man Are you high? Yes, you are. I reserve the right, Nazi.

Okay. Nobody cries. She's lying. She's not crying that much because she loves him. Can I tell you something? Do you know, like, do you know how occasionally I'll get upset and I go on a rant? Wouldn't it be great if you knew how to, well, your version of that is when you cry? No.

It is. No. It is. No. Don't tell me how I feel. Don't tell me how I react to things. I don't cry. Don't respond to my, don't tell me with your, don't tell me.

If I'm angry, I'm angry. If I'm emotional, I'm fucking emotional. Hey, can I finish this? These people are Islamic. This is an arranged marriage. It's, it's not forced. Just listen, for fuck's sakes. Get over by the mic.

All right? They actually were allowed to talk on the fucking phone for a few months. Okay. Okay. So, yeah, these are fucking, you know, this is very. I respect it. secluded life here. Okay, I get it.

So, you know, she's, her emotions are at the surface. So she cries if her little sister annoys her. If she feels she's lucky to have me, feels like her parents don't value her, or she feels like she won't do me proud as a wife. Oh,

so whenever she's having emotions, basically. What's a good way to be like, honey, I love you to death, but could you fucking knock it off because you're driving me? crazy. How do you say that to a woman without making a cry more? I mean, yeah, she seemed like she would cry if you told him, if you told her, like, you know, I don't know, the tea was not sweet enough. So she's definitely sensitive. I told him

to start crying, too. Oh, God. Like, she's just like, I'm just worried. And I was like, me too. And I would think she would get mad, though. Probably. Because if she did it, like, like that because that's well then she stops crying hey hang in here for this last one he's happy no i don't know honestly i have no idea i can tell you as a man when a woman cries all we want you to do is to stop crying we don't give a fuck we are aware of that yes completely fucking selfish when it comes our emotions yeah we know well you're selfish when i yell that's an emotion you want me to stop yelling yelling like hearing somebody yell constantly is like traumatic okay hearing somebody cry all the time is also traumatic.

It's like you're watching this sad movie that never ends. It is. No, that would be a real... She sounds like a real drip. Oh, Jesus. All right. Come on. That was good.

Well, what can he do? I don't know. Oh, boy. Oh, boy, buddy. Yeah, I don't... It sounds like that's just kind of how she is. Listen, I don't know if your religion allows you to do this, but I would get some Bose wireless headphones.

the noise cancelling ones. Whenever she starts crying, I just put them on and put on your favorite fucking music. Can you ask her dad or her mom or whatever? I just feel like she's very sensitive. She cries easily. You know, is that? Yeah, I don't know.

I wouldn't do that. If they finally let her talk on the fucking phone and then you're going to come and be like, yeah, you know, can you tweak her a little bit this way? Anyway, mom's comment on pizza leads to breakup. Hey, Bill, weekly listener. Love F is for family and all your stuff. stand-up stuff, keep up the good work.

All right. My question is, what experiences have you had with dating while going through a rough day, a rough time with your professional career? Bill has never dated anyone besides me. I'm the only woman in his life that matters, and I really don't appreciate you asking about the people that came before me. I got to tell you something, I dated a lot of great women. A lot of haughties that were absolute animals in the rack. My girlfriend and I dated for three years and recently decided to go on a break. Yeah, all right, you're breaking up.

We met in law school, both graduated with good grades, and each passed the bar exam. The big difference between us is that she got a job right after graduation with a high salary, insane benefits, and located in a wealthy suburb. This was largely due to a family connection, which she openly admits. Yeah, good for her. Use your connection. Meanwhile, I hope to get hired by a firm I worked at during my final year of law school, but was told at the last minute that none of the interns would be hired, you fucking cunts. Oh my God, after you sat there going through their card catalog, whatever the fuck it is you guys do?

As a result, I've been living with my parents for the past three months making money teaching tennis lessons while sending resumes and traveling for interviews all over the state. The decision for a break came when my girlfriend was visiting me at my parents' house. She and I went out for pizza and came back with some leftovers. My girlfriend put the pizza in the fridge, but my mom, who has a heavy Russian accent, told her that putting the pizza in the fridge destroys the flavor. I did not even bat an eye at the interaction and went to the couch to watch a hockey game. This guy's living the life.

He's living at home. He's teaching tennis. He's watching hockey. He's eating pizza. I love this guy's life. After an evening of my girlfriend moping around, I asked her what was wrong. According to her, I failed to stand up for her and was supposed to tell my mom to not speak to her that way.

Well, in defense of her... Tell my girlfriend not to put the pizza in the fridge. Yeah, but in defense of her, though, the Russian accent is a little harsh. They can't help it. Even when they're being, like, happy and friendly towards each other, they sound like they're screaming at each other. They want to murder each other. Yeah, that they're going to send you to the fucking gulag.

And don't get mad at me. You know that shit is true. And, like, think about your grandparents and your aunts and your uncles, like, when you went in the room. Nobody gets mad at anything on this podcast, Nia. I have curated some of the dumbest people on this planet. And we all just sit in our fucking bubble of stupidity enjoying all of this. All right, after an evening of my girlfriend moping around, I asked her what was wrong. Okay, according to her, I failed to stand up for her and was supposed to tell my mom,

to not speak to her that way. I know my mom can sound a little harsh with her accent. Yeah, there you go, and sometimes uses incorrect words. Use your imagination when speaking English. But the two have always had a good relationship, so there was no reason to think she would be upset by the comment. This started an argument about how I've become a mama's boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, she went there. And that I'm not... He's really pissed about that whole pizza situation. And then I'm not desperate enough to move out of the house. Ooh. Somebody's going to throw a chair soon. These comments really pissed me off because she has personally seen the amount of hard work and long hours I put into my schoolwork internship, passing the bar exam. Not to mention, she got a hookup and sending out resume.

Additionally, this came a day after I was informed that I was a close second for a job. I was excited about potentially receiving. Yeah, so this is it. Yeah, you're seeing branches. You know land is coming. You like Christopher Columbus. This is gross. Nia was commenting on this all-natural ginger ale.

I actually like it. Oh, my God. Hey, really quickly, can I just ask you a quick question? Do you consider ginger ale soda? I thought you were going to ask me, do I consider ginger ale offensive, an offensive name? Do you consider ginger ale soda? Yes. You do?

Yes. Yeah, people that follow me on Twitter will know what I'm talking about. I did a poll on Twitter because I realized that I don't consider ginger ale soda. Well, it's because you only drink it when you have, when your stomach's not... That's what everybody was saying to me, but you know I'm obsessed with ginger ale. So I drink it all the time, but people seem to, yeah. Why don't you consider it soda? I don't know.

I have no idea. I consider soda like Coke and orange oil. Do you consider an apple of fruit? No, why not? I don't know. I know. It's super obvious, but I just never made the connection

that it would be soda. If you said that on a first date, there would be no second date. I'd be like, this is the fucking bimbo. Jesus, I thought I was dumb. You would think I was a bimbo though? Yeah.

That's, okay, I can live off. That's why that's the story of the podcast that girl one time. Like, hey, you want to go out? You want to go grab some sushi or something? Something like, oh my God, I love. I'm sushi, but one time I ate it every day for like a month

and what do you call the white part of your eye? I'm like, uh, the white part of your eye. She's going, it turned all yellow. And I was like, hey. Bitch had jaundice. Yes. And I conveniently had another call coming in that I had to take.

Um, well, but even if you thought it was a bimbo. I still try to go out with her. I feel like part of bimbo still means like you're attracted to me. So, I still try to go out with her though. Of course you did. You know, I actually was an underwear model. She modeled, meandies, me undies. No, she did.

So anyway, pizza, sorry to interrupt. Okay. Additionally, okay, blah, blah, blah. This came, because so the guy was excited. I suspect the real situations. My girlfriend has an image of who her partner is and saw potential in me meeting that image someday. But right now, I'm not living up to that image.

It's like she's an NFL GM, and I am the potential franchise quarterback who still needs to work on. and his arm strength before becoming the starter. In her eyes, I'm boozing it up like Johnny football instead of hitting the gym. I got to tell you something, dude. I'd let this girl go. And I have to say something, too.

Do not fall in love with potential. It is a trap. No, no. Well, she's falling in a little. No, that's what I'm saying. For her to, like, fall in love with this potential is it's not a good idea. So it's really about, that's the end of the question?

Yeah, he kind of knocked it off there. I got to be honest with you I actually thought this guy was going to do better with the question I believe in his potential for this question more Yeah then it ended up going nowhere Yeah she your girl I think your girlfriend made a point here Yeah so clearly it's not about the pizza

It's about like the bigger picture for him And where he's at in her life And she's not she's like She's a spoiled brat who just got a job gifted to her So she doesn't understand why. But she's still like good at it though, right? Like, it's not as if she just got it and she sucks at it.

I know, but you know something? He didn't say that he brought that up, because I would have brought that up. I'm sorry, I don't fucking come from the goddamn Walton's. Who's a big lawyer family on TV? Were the Walton's lawyers? Cliff Husticle was a lawyer. Did you ever watch the Walton's? No, no, sorry. Claire Huxable was the lawyer.

The Waltons was the Cosby show for white people. What is the Walton's? It's just a bunch of fucking rednecks living in an old farmhouse There's like 90 of them. They all have fucking overalls. Sounds terrible. What do you have against white people in overalls in fucking dilapidated buildings?

Good night, John Boy. That's that show? Yeah. Good night, whoever. Good night, so-and-so. Yeah, good night, Mary Sue. All right, Bob and Joe. Good night, John Boy.

John Boy. Who's John Boy? John Boy was like the fucking oldest dude. He was like a man. He was like a young man. But he was a boy. John boy. Is his dad John, too, and he's John man?

He's John man. He's John, boy. We're not answering this guy's question. What is the question? There is no question, but I think he just wants me to comment on the situation. I have no idea, but I would just say that I would. You should be like, bitch, why don't you support me when I'm down? How about you?

How about your potential to be a loving and supportive spouse? Like, why are you kicking me when I'm down? I'm like, don't you think that I'm trying to make it happen? Don't you think I want to impress you? Don't you think I want to be like, you know, the man that, like, you know, is everything that you've ever dreamed of. I'm having a hard time right now. Like, you know.

Why have that fucking four-hour debate when you can just break up with somebody? I see too many red flags here. Too many fucking red flags. First of all, they're both lawyers. Okay. I can just argue it out all night long since they love to. They're going to be competitive. They're in the same fucking feet.

then she gets fucking pregnant and like who the fuck puts their fucking practice on hold you know she would have to obviously if she's carrying a baby like that's kind of how it goes yeah like she should be loving so she's like so get your shit together

because eventually when we have a family I'm gonna have to take time off fuck that she seems like the alpha male here in this and I think that she's gonna want to keep working and then this guy can this guy can just fucking chill out with the kids teaching tennis. Yeah, I mean, it's not like he doesn't have a job.

He's looking for a job. He almost got one. Okay, well, keep at it. Keep your chin up. I don't know. Both of these people sound annoying. Why? How is he annoying?

They're just both annoying. He's like, I'm playing tennis. I'm doing my best. And she's like, get it together. No, he's teaching tennis. No, whatever. He's trying. He's making money.

Yeah, but you have to play it to teach it. you're like killing in your own head right now i don't know what's going on with you you find yourself very amusing all right you know something all right i almost started crying like that guy's fucking potential fucking wife his laugh um all right that is the podcast i don't know if i helped anybody i don't even know what i talked about i want to thank everybody who came out Albuquerque and people who came out in Tucson, Arizona and fucking Dean Del Rey, Jesus

Christ, he's been fucking murdering in front of me. That's awesome. Yeah, like people is like an audible like, no, when his fucking sets over. It's annoying. He's making me work out there. Good about Dean. He's crushing it. Dean's the best. And I will be with Dean next Sunday night

of Santa fucking Barbara. I want to go. I want to go. Go out and spend the money that you're earning and go look at stuff. Fuck you. Fuck you. It has nothing to do.

What do you want to do in Santa Barbara? I want to go and hang out and see Santa Barbara. And how much does that cost? It doesn't cost anything for me to like see things. Yeah, because I'm paying for it. Paying for what exactly? The trip to Santa Barbara. You are working in Santa Barbara and I'm tagging along with you.

Like, what is the problem? You just don't want me to cramp your style? What are you and Dean? Gonna go do you like skipping through the vineyards together? I'm going to go to a fucking brawant. What do you think we're going to do? Again, you're going to be there, being like, I hope you wear a condom.

I don't need that shit. Listen, if you're going to try to, with that fucking second grade manipulation to try to turn the conversation into that goddamn direction, I'm just going to steer into it. Nia. Why wouldn't I be able to come to Santa Barbara?

It's a beautiful place. I haven't been there in years. Like, what is the problem? I'll tell you what the problem is. Because fuck you. Because fuck me. Why? Because you only support me

when I go to fun places. You're never there when I need you. When I go to Sacramento, you never want to tag along. I would potentially go to Sacramento. I mean, it is the capital. Of what? California. I'm not that high, okay?

Why would I go to a not fun city? Like, why would I do that? Why would I need you to come along to a fun city? I'm already having fun. You love when I come on the road with you. That's why I traveled so much with you before. These are things I say to keep the relationship going. You're fronting on your podcast.

Like you don't enjoy me being there with you when you're on the road. I'm always lonely in the road. Oh, I miss you. Oh, I miss the baby. You're like, you're so tough and you're so in control. And you're just like the man of the family. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Love when I'm there with you on the road. So knock it off. Time out. Time out. Yes. You're talking a lot of shit. I didn't get lonely on the road like this. until I had a daughter.

Oh my God. Are you seeing... Yeah, but I did a three-week fucking run. Are you suggesting that you were not lonely on the road before we had a daughter? Are you saying that you... For the most part, yeah. Are you saying you didn't miss me

when you're on the road? For the most part, yeah. You are so... Oh, so then who are you lying to? You. You, so you feel better. That's completely untrue. Have you ever seen what I do on the road?

I go to Steams. I go to games. I'm hanging out with my friends. I'm riding on a bus. It's fucking tribut. tremendous. The whole game thing is you've got to make your wife feel like you're not having a good time out there or she's going to get upset. Are you serious? A lot of the times, yeah. Oh my God. No, but now that I have a kid, it's different.

You're fucking, so you never miss me when you were on the road? All those nights that you called me and said you were lonely and you wish I was here and you saw something funny and you're sending me pictures all day and text messages all day. Like I miss you. Check this out. Isn't this funny? blah, blah, and like you, that was a lot of those times, a lot of the times it's bullshit. I've been with you almost 15 years. It's all been bullshit. Not all, but a lot of it is bullshit. I don't believe you.

That's how you do the road as a guy. I don't believe you. I will never trust you again if this is true. Nea, you're going to say, I'm going to Milwaukee. I'm seeing the Henry Winkler statue. Who? I'm going, Fonzie. I'm going to the fucking, the Harley Davidson Museum.

Wait, wait, wait. They have a statue of him. Why? What did he do? Because Happy Days was filmed in front of a live audience, to the audience there. But it's not like it's rocky. Do they really have a statue of him?

Yeah. It seemed like a waste of a statue. Like, why? It's like the funniest thing ever. A waste of a statue. Like, the statue could have been something else. Like, what are you to chop the head? and put fucking Merv Griffin's head on there?

Wait a minute. Is that character that iconic that it deserves its own statue? A. That guy. That's why I love Milwaukee. That's why I love Milwaukee. That's why I love Milwaukee. It's a city, but it's small town.

Oh, my God. Milwaukee, you got to do better. Oh, Nia, so mean. That's one of my favorite fucking cities. I love Milwaukee. You know what, Milwaukee? You're okay with me. All right.

Nea, this is the, of course I miss you on the road. I love you. I love our daughter. But there's times where I'm really having a good fucking time out there. Yes, I know. So you have to text, hey, honey, I'm thinking about you. I'm not thinking about you. I'm watching SEC football.

I want you. I sometimes forget I'm married when I'm at those games. Okay, I get it. You don't have to keep like, you know. No, because you went so hard the other way going to like, I miss you. Like I was some fucking pansy. It wasn't panning you out like a pansies.

Yeah, you were. Like you love me and you miss me. No, I get it. So it's self-serving. Obviously you're having fun on the road. Like you and, you know, text me pictures of you and Paul Verzi and Joe Bartnick, like arms length, you know, skipping into an arena of some sort. Like, so I get it.

I understand. That's our tradition. We always skip in. Three abreast. Yeah, I fucking rent a helicopter. I fly myself to Vegas. It's a good time. It's a good goddamn time.

All right, this podcast is way too fucking long. It's an hour and a half long, all right? Okay, can we apologize to the city of Milwaukee? I will, on behalf, before we start a social media controversy here. All right. I'm done with this shit. That's it, everybody. Happy holidays, man.

Happy Kwanza. Happy Hanukkah. Merry Christmas. All that shit's coming up. Go fuck yourselves. And I'll talk to you on Thursday. Stupid. What's up, everybody?

And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast with your host, Paul Bursey, Bill Burr. We have Andrew Themless behind the glass. And, of course, we have Jake the Snake back from his. extravaganza he had with lord knows who and lord knows where but he's back don't ask don't tell paul no he doesn't kiss him tell that's for sure um dude i mean i'll tell you how i did oh last week let me hear let me hear first of all can we just say it was not the same without jake the snake it's never is never is telling you the vibes the vibes were just not there so with no with no jake snake how did it go for you there paulie well i started out oh and two because the chiefs didn't do

their thing on thanksgiving nor did the lions uh luckily two wild picks that i had came through which were the chicago bears who are the gift that keeps given and also the panthers getting 10 the panthers ended up winning outright uh so those two games came in for me and i ended up going two and two but i am still i mean i need i mean i'm on life support i need like three four and ohs in a row right now all right let's put bring it up let's see the stats here are they are are they posted there we go let's see how it looks all right paul you got i am 1733 and two so i guess the two equals one loss and one win i i don't know how that works i guess um bill you are i mean bill is having a good year you're right there 20 20 20

The same year I have, Billy, win some, lose some. Actually. Win some, lose some. All right. 24, 26, and two. Right. I want the listeners to think about what you just said. You picked two games where you thought what was going to happen, and then you went out of the limb on two where you're like, I'm just, you know, throwing one in from head.

The two that you took a risk on that made no sense, one. And then the things where you thought what was going to happen didn't happen. I thought the Panthers made sense getting 10. The bears I was scared of, but I know what you're saying. All right. Well, I'm trying to steer the narrative into don't do what the herd is doing. Yeah. Do something else.

Well, I was lucky enough to go, and I will say lucky. I went three and one. What did I have? I had the Packers. I took the Bengals. That's my gift that keeps giving. is Joe Flacco with points. I think Joe Burroughs finally back this week, or I don't know if he went last week.

No, he won last week. They won last week. With him? You won that game, yeah. Oh, he won that game. Okay, I was out with Mike. That's why I was saying I was lucky to go three and one. Last two weeks I've watched very little football, been doing the dad thing.

Then I had the Texans, and then I picked a game that I heard somebody said, Bumer Assison said, if you bet on the Dolphins versus the same, that you have a problem. You need to talk to some. That's hilarious. And I took the dolphins, dude, and I was in there, Paul. I was looking at a four-no week. And, you know, the dolphins just went into the prevent to save, you know, the game and kill the clock. And then they just gave him a touchdown. And oh, Billy, you know, back door cover, Paul? You know what I should have done? I'm looking back at it. You know, most people go down to Miami and they party and they can't handle that they're down there. The saints are in New Orleans, Paul. That's a party town. I don't

need to tell you. We certainly don't need to tell Jake the Snake, who three times, I believe, was the king of the Mardi Gras parade just because of his sheer body count down there. I should have known that the Saints were going to come in, Paul. Yeah, they came marching in. Dude, do you remember the time? This was such a hilarious memory. You and I went to Monday night football after performing at Harris together in New Orleans. and we saw Mike Vic, Mike Vic quarterback the Eagles. And me and you get drunk, we're drinking, and we're walking out. And one guy was like, hey, man, I'll drive you guys back.

And we're like, all right. And he was walking in front of us. And then me and you got into this huge argument because you know me with sports. I got hammered and I go, I said something ridiculous. Like I can throw a college football 50 yards and an NFL football 45 or something nuts. And you go, knowing the numbers were higher than that, Paul. Whatever it was. Like your alcohol.

argued 50 or 45. I think you were on the other side of the field ball. Yeah, I might have said 45 and 50. You might have said 60. I don't think I said, I think I said 55 and 50. Either way, you go, get the fuck out of you. And the guy, me and you start arguing about how far I could throw football. And the guy that was going to drive us just started walking ahead and just left. Remember? Yeah, he made the good thing. Paul, I apologize for that argument. I'm sorry for that And I can't say that was the alcohol That was my

My BS from a kid So I apologize for that No, no, it's all good But he was like, I can't have these two in my car Well, listen to me I can't have these two I'm sorry Right

I should have done it No I remember that guy He like walked away and You know as much of an asshole as I am Like I always clock stuff like that Like I'm not Well fuck that guy He's a fucking

I don't. I go, I just made another adult who, when he first met us, five minutes ago, he thought these two complete strangers were okay to get in his car, and now he's briskly walking away. And you know what? Shout out to that guy. Shout out to that guy listening to his inner voice, knowing better than to have us two knuckleheads. What a couple of idiots. Dude. I remember that. And then we had to try to figure out how to get back because the super domes all the way down the damn street. We were staying up the way. way we walked far we were drinking it was say those are the good old days paul i remember my heartburn was like fucking here the whole weekend and i didn't understand acidity or whatever so i said oh i'll

have a salad and i got like balsamic vinaigrette which is also more acidic you know smoking cigars i don't know what we would do or do but like it's also like new Orleans i had an acting gig there a long time ago i did this movie called black or white and i spent a summer there and that was as far as you know being a rube not a root being a tourist not knowing what that was one of the hardest cities i've ever been in to try to eat well yes you know it was like everything is fucking deep fried po-boy sandwiches and those little fucking bignets those donuts they got and it's just like i remember there was a there was a um a supermarket up the street and like i had to ask the lady when the vegetables came in it was one day a week and if you got there afternoon they were gone

So I bought a juicer at a bedbath and beyond. I had to take a cab over a bridge outside of the city. Like, I'm telling you, man, like, there's something going on there with that fucking wall and no vegetables. I don't know if the government is jealous about what a good time everybody has down there, but it seems like they're trying to kill him. So, dude, we went to Commander Palace and eight, but do you remember when me and you were watching football in the, in the casino sports book or the casino bar? and there was a guy that was angry at everybody. No, he was there. He was off.

He was off, but I was sitting next to him. He was okay with me. Do you remember that? He was like, okay with me. And you were like, dude, we've got to watch this guy. But he was just like, he was like, something was off with him, dude. And it was chill by. And he was built like Marshawn Lynch, too.

So, and then that fucking idiot drunk came up talking to him. And you saw him, dude, it was triggering something in him. And I'm like, this idiot talking to him does not understand. He's about ready to get his fucking head ripped off. That guy was like visibly, dude, any, any time, that was that, he was doing this, watching a game or whatever. So that's kind of like, you know, you're like, okay, that's that. And you know that shit where you know, I need to get away from this guy,

but I can't do it immediately or he's going to notice. So you kind of, kind of got to do like one of those. Yeah, yeah. And do one of those. You can't just look like zoints and run away from the guy. It's like walking away from a fucking predator, man. Yeah, and he was like. staring at the TV like he had a lot of money and that drunk guy was talking to him dude

and it was just like dude talk about not reading the room no that guy that that guy he was in his own he was in his own i don't think he was betting on the games i think he was in a sports book and then in his head he was completely somewhere else yeah and uh whatever that world was this dude came up to him and yeah it was yeah it was a hell of a weekend and we saw ls u alabama too LSU Alabama Saturday and then we partied Sunday and then Monday we went to Monday night football Eagles Saints

Yeah and I remember in the lobby of our hotel I saw Drew Rosenhaus Who's the agent of all the big ones He was at the like the reception at the desk I was like oh shit dude that was because he came in there Mike Vic actually looked really good there too Paul what was the over under of 10,000 calories in those three days

Oh my God dude Hey take the over take the over There was no defense no defense in that weekend ball yeah that's a good point anytime you see somebody rocking it's never going to be like hey beautiful day out there

you guys have a nice day there's no music playing yeah it's dude this shit here this shit here is fucking wild dude fade away

from that yeah it's it's never I was on a subway with a guy once and he was looking um and he was looking here.

So he's like, he's right there. And he's just going, yeah, huh? You guys don't think I'll do it on this thing. I do it. I swear to God, I was down by Bowling Green, down by like Wall Street. And he's going, yeah, and I just took a pen out because I worked down there. And he's not looking at me. He's looking here, but he's going, yeah, what are you going to do with that pen?

Huh? How do you think I'm worried about a pen? I was in war. I'll pull out a gun. I'll kill it. And he didn't even have a gun. He was like a T-shirt. And he goes, we can do that pen.

Dude, I was just like, all right, man. Dude, I remember what time I got on the train there was this white kid hopped up on something on 96th Street, and he was singing this song and he was dropping the N-word. He was going, I'm a crazy N-word, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I'm a crazy N-word, doing the best I can.

Woo! And he just kept doing it over and over again. I was just sitting there. Oh, dude. Everybody's just looking out. You know, white people are looking like, is he going to get his kick, but he's crazy. Yeah.

So everybody else, you know, everybody's like, dude, I'm going to work. He's not saying it to me. He's fucking nuts, not rolling around. Dude, for like seven stops on a fucking loop, he was singing that song. This was like 1995. This is right when, this is when New York was still, you know, New York. Dude, what comic had that bit? What comic had that bit?

Was it Jessica Kiersen? Somebody or it was, dude, I don't know why I'm going from, I'm either going from like Jessica Kierston to, um, who? Who's the guy? Oh, my God. No, it's not Jessica Kierston. Who's the guy who's a radio host? You're friends with him. Rudy Rush. Is it Rudy Rush? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Rudy. I talk to him all the time. Rudy Rush said he was on like a train and some guy went up and started acting crazy so that he started acting crazy. He liked something like where he was like, and it worked. It's so funny. I was going to say, is it cancel it out? Oh, dude. Yeah, yeah. Because you don't know. No one wants to fuck with crazy, dude.

I would have just thought that he would be able to see through that, like, it'd be like meeting a veteran. He said, I went to war. And I try to be, yeah, I went to war, too. You didn't go to war, you fucking pussy. Sitting in with my Army-Navy jacket on. Well, let's, we're going into week 14 here. This is, we got five weeks left, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18. We got five weeks left.

And we got to bring in Jake the Snake back. Guys, fresh off the press. back from vacation. We don't know where he was or who he was with. Dary, look how happy he looks. Exactly. I mean, the Playboy lifestyle is exhausting. Even Jake can't do it all the time.

Jake, we missed you, buddy. Yeah, I'm glad to be back. The last episode title was very funny. Jake's on a point. It was a good laugh. Did you, you went back for Thanksgiving? Yeah, yeah. You're not going to say weird, Jake.

We like the man of mystery. Fair enough. Me and my family just went on vacation, though. It was very nice. There you go. And he's a family, man, ladies. There's no end to the level that this man can satisfy you. And Jake, you are a, just so all the ladies know, you are a bachelor, right?

You're a single guy? Yes, this is true. I am single. I mean, guys, what else do you need? What else do you need? You know? All right, I'll say some of the bigger injuries. Justin Perkins.

One of the most subtle segues I've ever seen, Jake. With Herbert, he fractured his hand and kept playing against the Raiders, and then it sounds like he's going to play this week again against the Eagles. Is it his throwing hand? It's his non-throwing hand, so that's why people are like maybe he can play through it. He had the surgery on Monday, and so we'll see how it works. I couldn't imagine. And they are going to get their running back, O'Marian Hampton, back as well,

from an ankle fracture and then um jane daniels is back practicing for uh for the commanders so he could possibly play against the vikings he had that gruesome elbow injury a couple months back um so it's good to see him back out there hopefully he plays it's not officially yet and then the lions we were just talking about it but um and ross st brown there uh they're a superstar receiver hurt his ankle on thanksgiving and uh looks like he's a game time decision for tonight um i'm shocked that he's going to be able to play. But he's a really tough guy, so hopefully he's back out there for them.

And then the Colts have some big injuries, too. Daniel Jones is playing through a fractured fibula. I don't know how, but I couldn't imagine. He's a tough guy. That's stupid, dude. They're already playoff bound. What are they doing? Well, not anymore because they're 8 and 4, dude.

They have 7 in a lot of 8.4. Yeah, so they play Jacksonville this week. They're both 8 and 4 at the top of the division. So there's a lot of big games like that. Baltimore plays, Pittsburgh, they're both six and six in first place for that division. Bears and Packers are both not, sorry, bears are up a game. They're nine and three. And that's going to be a really big game, too.

So there's a lot of big division playoff game stuff this week. I do agree with Paul that like sometimes just to make that stupid playoff run. Yeah. It's really short-sighted where I feel like Daniel Jones has found a home here. Let the guy heal up. You've done enough that your fan base is excited about what's, going on. Like, don't do, like, some RG3 stuff and just bring the guy back and, and, I mean.

Fibula, too. Fibula's like, dude, if that, that's like, if a guy lands on it, that's bad, dude. Yeah. It's like a hairline fracture. How could you play if it's broken? I don't know how something is. Shotgun formation. I was even thinking like Herbert, right?

It's this non-throwing hand. So he's under center. This is the top hand. And every time you're there, that ball comes back. And what they do is. fucked up. They wrap it up tight and they give him a shot. So he doesn't feel it. I would just

be like shotgun formation. That's exactly what they've been doing. Yeah. So they have a quarterback under center and they have Herbert and shotgun. It appears to be a strategy. But, you know, they play on Monday. We'll see. I would probably, what I would do since the Chargers by the Eagles and Chiefs

back is maybe sit him against the Eagles and have them maybe play against the Chiefs. I don't know. I mean, playing through a fractured hand, I don't know how that's possible. I was curious. These can't lose another game, right? It's a tough. They have to, like, could I maybe lose one more?

They're 8 and 4. So, I mean, you know, they can lose maybe a couple, but I mean, it's a really close grace. The Chargers are 8 and 4. No, we're talking about the Chiefs. Oh, the Chiefs. Yeah, well, Chiefs play Houston. So they really, yeah, the Chiefs pretty much need to win out. No, if the Chiefs lose another one, they're probably not going to make the playoffs.

That'll be six and seven. Yeah. And Houston is another team in the wild card kind of race. Yeah, they've been coming on. Yeah, chiefs have already lost to Jacksonville and Buffalo, who are in the wild card too and the Chargers. So they really need to beat somebody for a tiebreaker. They've lost to the Broncos.

That's another thing, too. A lot of division losses. That's, who would I ever thought? Who would I ever thought? Dude, I'll tell you what, man. I know Jake doesn't want to hear this. Okay. But I've seen enough to, like, where I watched the Bronco game from beginning to end,

The Broncos, in my opinion, are a really good team. I think their defense is really good. I think they're for real. And they're wide receivers, too. You know, he's got a lot of people sutting and stuff. So I think the Broncos are going to be a tough out, man. Yeah, who are you guys looking at? I got a great coach.

Well, look, the only thing you could say about the Patriots, the only thing is the schedule strength. But you got to beat who's in front of you. So I don't buy that 100%. I never bought people. Oh, look, they beat the fog. They beat dismal. They beat this one every time.

I was like, yeah, but they beat them. And they have the special teams. They have a coach. There's another thing, Paul. They said we had an easy schedule in September before anybody even knew what the year was going to be like. It's tough, Paul. The New York City sports bias, the level that you guys fucking run the shit and just amp up Nick fans screaming and yelling like the Knicks are going to win it. And then anything the Patriots do was a, yeah, like they could get there wasn't enough air.

And it was fucking this and that. It's like, we're a solid team. No, you're better. I would say you're better than solid. I'm not impressed that we, you know, beat the Giants the way we did. You have an interim coach and you have a young quarterback who doesn't throw the fucking ball away. I don't know why. Like that kid is, he's like trying to do this macho stuff.

So he still needs to learn that, I guess. But like, you know, I, you know, definitely. We played the Jets. We've got the dolphins and stuff like that. But, you know, we beat the bills before the bills knew that they sucked. Here's the test coming up. And real quick, though, going back to what Bill said, it's a really good point because it's like you can't say strength of schedule

when nobody knew the Colts were going to be this good. Nobody knew Dan. Nobody knew the Colts were going to be a hard out. And not to mention, Drake May's numbers, if what I saw is right, I was talking to my son about this, Drake May may have the best numbers of any quarterback in the NFL right now, which is insane. Like the guy's like an MVP candidate,

and you have a coach that, you know, has experience. I was shooting ourselves in the foot we were fumbling two three four fucking times a game yeah you're ended yeah that is ended like that team is tightest for what what Brable who I think is coach of the year they've been out of that team yeah they bought into and the disciplined way that they're playing in the belief system that they have um you know I like what Drake may said were you know they were saying you feel like you're you know carrying on the tradition of what Brady and Belichick did or is this a new area goes a little bit of both.

You know, they obviously want to do what they do, but this is a new group of people. And I just like, I'm like, this team has like an identity. So I don't think that there is wild as their record, but I definitely think that they're better than, you know, Phil Mushnick is going to give them credit for being. Well, you guys got the bills and ravens after the biweek.

So we're going to, I think we're going to learn a lot about the Patriots in those two games. Because those are going to be too tough teams. Yeah. So I think we're going to learn a lot there. Who in the playoffs? What are the top three teams that the Patriots might not be able to handle? Broncos. I think the Broncos are going to be their toughest thing.

I agree. I've been on the Broncos most of the year, too. I still Buffalo is going to be a tough out in the playoffs. It's still Josh Allen. I agree. I agree with that. I'll tell you, if the fucking Steelers make it, you know, that Aaron Rogers factor, dude, they could upset somebody. I'm just saying that fucking guy is.

He's a winner. He's got enough in the tank. If the chiefs make it, they're always a tough out. And the way Houston's playing, I don't think anyone wants to play that defense. No, Houston's got the best defense in elite. Look, my pick was Buffalo, so I got to stick with Buffalo. But I could see Broncos, Texans, and now Patriots. Paul, you don't have to stick with Buffalo.

You said that fucking months ago. You don't have to stick with that. Like, you can pick you. Now you just, I feel like you're leaning Broncos. Patriots have a real chance to get the one. one seed, which will be huge. I mean, that would be helpful. I think at this point, they're probably, yeah.

Well, Denver's right there. Right, right, one game behind, but yeah, I think. Here's the deal. Are the Kansas City Chiefs going to run the table and really, like, show up or are they done? That's pretty going to be interesting. They're going to make the playoffs, and then they're going to do some things or whatever, like, as they always do.

And, you know, I think that, like, they have the ability, even on like a drive that shouldn't score. You know, they just have the ability to do those stupid weird passes or Mahomes runs, you know, with the football. Like, they always seem to figure it out. I know, whoever that running back is, Pacheco or whatever, I mean, they got enough. And then Travis Kelsey, dude, the fucking guy runs a route like nobody in the league. Like, everybody knows he's going, not only is the guy open,

he's fucking wide open. Yeah. So whatever he's doing to whoever's covering him, I mean, it's insane. Like the amount of times, you know, because they got the camera on Patrick Mahomes, they throw it to Travis Kelsey. You go, how to fuck is he that open? Yeah. It's the route that he's running that, you know?

The Chiefs put in Houston, Texas, and Chargers back to back. If they win both those games, I think their chance to make the playoffs are very good because they'd be eight and six. All right. Okay. I want to know the crazy story in the NFL right now is that the, the Miami Dolphins are not mathematically out of it and they've won three of their last four or whatever and they kind of turned it around

so like if they win the next two they're like imagine they snuck in dude they had a coach ready to be fired they were like is he going to make the plane and now they're fucking playing for him so it's pretty interesting I'll tell you even crazier one the Bengals aren't mathematically limited either at four and eight if they beat Buffalo

somehow this week then you know they're not that far out from even the division. I mean, you know, with Joe Burrow and that offense, that's the team no one wants to play either. Yeah. And it might be the end of the time. There's some really good games. Yeah.

That Texan Chiefs game, just because of the way the Chiefs are at, man, that's going to be a fun one to watch. And I just think, speaking of that. I think the greatness of Mahomes, I think he's going to get him over on that one. I haven't mentioned the Colts. You think the Colts, I mean, obviously they started it hot they've kind of cooled down a bit well not if the not if the quarterback's playing with a broken fucking leg dude i mean i'm just talking about you know paul i think you're on to something there

i can't believe he's playing this week forget about the playoffs how long is it take for that to heal and i don't know any doctor that says yeah you broke your leg uh what should i do this week uh play some professional football yeah yeah i have a college football question real quick so i'm sure you guys I saw with the Lane Kiffin news. Do you have any opinions on that? I saw that, is he going somewhere else? Dude, he left. Yeah, he's officially going to LSU.

No, no, he basically left. They gave LSU gave him $100 million and he like left the team. And like fans went to the airport and just booed him like on his way up the private jet. What he tried to do was he tried to like see if he could stay and like have somebody else. But legally, I guess once you accept the job, he's not able to, he's not able to coach them in the bowl game. Well, yeah,

but then the Ole Miss said, no, if you're going to take this job, just get out. Ole Miss was like, if you're going to do this, just leave and they literally fucking like he went to a, but LSU offered him a hundred.

Not only does he leave, he goes into the same conference. Okay, this guy is running out of states in the South East conference that he can go to, all right? He upset Tennessee.

He said, I am here. I love this. I'm going to turn this thing around. And then USC said, hey, big boy, right? he goes out there anybody he's a whore

the man no 100 million dollars you're not a whore what am I supposed to do supposed to stay in Mississippi right it's just the timing that's so gross you find you have your best season of your career you give

almost the best year in program history you're 11 and 1 you're in the playoffs and instead of saying you know what I'm going to wait until after the season to see if I want to leave or not and maybe the offer is on the table I get it but it's like it's so shame on it LSU. That's what that's right.

Hey on Lennel. What are you doing? Give the guy, tell the guy, listen, you're going to be our guy. Just fucking finish out and then. Yeah. Dude, that fucking guy, man, every time he turns his rep around, dude, what he's did in Mississippi is fucking amazing.

11 and 1, they're in the playoffs. It's like, all right, okay. And you have, you finally have a fan base that's fucking with you. He's like the bad guy in wrestling. Very heel turn. That's actually perfect. All right.

So what does he do at LSU and how does he leave? You have to know at this point you're dating a stripper. Yeah, Notre Dame's going to offer him $150 million in three years. They're saying in like three, four years he'll go to the Miami Dolphins or something. He's going to speak to the airport, Paul, dressed like a leprechaun to go up to South Bend. A little hat, little Scottish hat. Here's the thing. Oh, they give me my pot of gold.

I have to say this, though. women come into play here and just hear me out and i'm not trying to be oh here goes paul talking about but here's the deal you tell your wife dude i remember i had a manager once and another manager wanted to work with me and my wife was like yeah you're getting rid of you're getting rid of your first manager and you're going to work with that like legitimate legit no offense to anybody that i worked with dude let me take something get manager low key your wife your wives are great at business yes they spend their whole life when they're picking out a dude they they they They are like a coach.

Can this husband earn at the pro level? Dude, because they're scanning guys from kindergarten, dude. They're scanning. They know. So by the time this happened. They know. They're in the game before you even know there's a game being played. So here's my scenario.

Lane Kiffin starts pouring himself in orange juice. And you go, honey, I talk to LSU. Paul, do one of these. She's like, what did they say? I'm doing a pie, baby. He's pouring himself a glass orange. juice. He goes, yeah, I talked to LSU, sweet. Oh, what they say? They wanted to give me $100 million,

but you know, what? Right there. I mean, we're in the playoffs. I mean, I, I, I, we're 11 and one, but I don't get, get you, you got three, four daughters. No, no, no, no, no, that's not how they go. This is what they do. They pout first.

Baton Rouge. I always heard that was really nice. The houses are. No, I don't. I'm not. saying I don't like Mississippi I'm just we could like look they do that first yeah yeah what

oh have you seen the homes there oh my God it's so charming school systems the school systems I don't know I heard through a friend that Drew Breeze's wife loved it oh yeah Paul this is what they do they they fucking they go with school system like they act like

they're thinking about the kids oh yeah oh no dude they're already thinking burking bags and gator fucking shoes. She's thinking now she's got a private jet and Lane's got one. They each got one. Yes, exactly. She's closer to Miami. It's a two-car garage for privates.

All right. You want to hear the funniest thing Lane Kiffin said before we move on? He said, I told me, know the money? Yeah, he said, I don't even want to know the contract. Did you hear Mad Dog? Mad Dog had a rant on. I just scrolled. Mad Dog from Mike in the mail. He goes, he goes, what are you talking about? You don't know the money?

Because Lane Kiffin is in a suit, LSU pin, Purple Tie already. Already happened. I didn't even know the money. I don't know the money. I told him I didn't want to know the money until. Dude, Mad Dog's going, I don't know the money. You know, Stephen A. Smith, look at him. Stephen A. Smith, this cry left.

He goes, he knows every nickel he's getting from the beginning. You don't leave an 11-1 program not knowing what you're. Paul, you're. you go into buy a fucking granola bar you don't know the money a hundred million dollars on the table you fucking know it he probably didn't look literally and his agent goes it's a hundred million and he fucking plays that game fuck off yeah that's all his agent probably because his agent's going to get 10% of that right yeah depending he could have a deal worked out with them that they could make a flat fee but his agent was he probably just sat down across from you know like when

when robert kenny and jfk were facing each other you know that famous black and white photo during the Cuban Missile Crisis. He's just going, Lane. I know you said you didn't want to do this. But can you be the bad guy one more time? And then he's just going like, oh. What's the number? Don't tell him.

Don't tell me. Don't tell me. Whisper it. Whisper it. More than 80? More than 90? More than 90? He's like,

dude look i listen it is what it is it's mississippi you're never come in here again and then meanwhile lane's all like these players in the transfer portal's bad for the sport and he's like how much was that in contract again how about the how about the reporter called him a ho remember the reporter called him a ho walking in and he just stopped and turned around He walked to them and he just goes And the reporter goes, yeah, what? And he goes, yeah, how about

you call me a hoe in there? We see how it goes. And then he just turned around and walked away. He turned into a fucking wrestling heel is the perfect bill. It's perfect. Well, here's the thing. You guys are all judging him and all of that type of stuff. The day you walk away from $100 million to be in fucking Baton Rouge in Death Valley

to coach the LSU Tigers, the day you can fucking walk away. the day that offer comes in and you walk away from it then you know listen paul i got to be honest with you i'm starting to like lane kiffin dude i walked away he's fun he's good for the fucking sport and it's like the best thing is if he doesn't come to your program just to know that he's gonna break the hearts he's gonna fucking break hearts paul he's a heartbreaker oh yeah no look lane kiffin is every lane kiffin has got a little sneaky peat in them a little oh yeah dude sneaky Pete doesn't sticky Pete doesn't leave messes like this guy

I mean he's like 80s action hero walk even Bill even sneaky Pete was impressed sneaky Pete was like he did what who who showing his gum you know I had the chance to do it I couldn't do it I couldn't I was scared I was scared That's why this podcast is the best sports podcast of the world. And I don't think people understand, like, Lane Kiffin's position, taking $100 million at his age right now, what is Lane Kiffin? What is Lane Kiffin? What is Lane Kiffin?

55 years old, right? Yeah, yeah, sure. He's the Christian Leitner of fucking coaches. I watched that 30 for 30 on Christian Layton. Dude, that's one of my favorite ones. I love that guy. I love that guy's whole fucking vibe. I love that he loved people not liking him.

But then there was a part of him being like, you know, sometimes it went a little far or whatever, like, really, really one of the great villains. It takes a lot to do. It takes a lot to accept that. It takes a lot to accept like everywhere I go, people are going to kind of, a lot of these people are going to not like me. It takes a lot. What's funny about Lane Kiffin is he hasn't really won anything yet. This will be the first time he's made the playoff. And everyone's like, oh, well, here's $100 million.

I mean, clearly he's turned the programs. He really could be a coach that gets you there, but not over the fucking, you know, get you in the dance. Listen, what he did in Mississippi, I feel, now that we're, you know, sort of like laughing about Lane Kiffin, I really feel bad for the fans of Mississippi and all that. Like, you know, the program that the guy built out there, they deserved, you know, Alabama's been stealing, you know, the spotlight for so long. and then Georgia comes along. LSU's won a couple there. You know, it's been, I don't, what was the last time fucking Mississippi?

Never. They never won one. Yeah. So it's like, I understand, you know, that's the kind of shit used to happen with the Patriots. That's a Chuck Fairbanks mood. We were on our way to the playoffs in the middle of it. He took a job at the University of Colorado.

I just don't understand why LSU didn't let him wait. Like, do it the right way. finish this year out and then be like I had a great time here. I'm taking this opportunity to like just get on a plane now. Wait a minute, Paul. You don't understand that college sports is filthy? No, no, no. I don't understand it's filthy. I don't understand why LSU couldn't wait a month. Wait until the holidays were like, what's the difference. Because they don't care, Paul. They have what they want. Their boosters have what they want. Do once you got a bunch of white guys and loafers with no socks and blue blazers on, you have no

idea what they're capable of. They don't give a shit. These are the people that will poison your food supply, pollute the fucking water, false flag wars. You don't think they're going to take a coach from Mississippi to fucking LSU? Where do they get that money, Paul? See, that's why Italians are a little, that's why Italians are smarter than everybody when it comes to that shit. Because Italians talk low, I go, dude, we're going to get them. We're going to get them. We're going to get them. I know. I talked to the guy. We just got to wait. That's what Italians do.

These fucking greedy assholes, you've got to get them now. You got to get them. No, you don't. You're going to get them. Yeah. Because you got the money. Let's go easy.

They also went up to B.C. and ruined those kids lives. So, come on. Let's not act like you guys are saints. No, no, we're not saints. Listen, Paul, I would never fuck with your cuisine. No, listen. Okay, but like, I'm stopping short of like,

see, that's why Italians, when we do our stuff that's a little fucking, it's a little better. No, no, they're corrupt. corrupt they just organized corrupt i never said they just said they have to i don't know how to do it hey paul fair enough let's let's get into the nfl picks here pa yes we got some picks to make now we are going into week 14 so that's an uh even number which means it is my pick and right off the bat the first game that i liked hey what do i got to lose i need to have i i'm aaron rogers at the 50 50 yard line hail mary for this season but the first game I looked at and the first game I saw is tonight. The Lions cannot lose two in a row at home.

They're coming off a terrible loss on Thanksgiving. It's a three-point game. And the Cowboys are playing good, but the Cowboys also haven't played that great a team. And I think that the Lions are going to play with the if that fucking guy could take the points to coach. But I'm going to take the Lions minus three at home tonight. Real quick, that's almost a de facto elimination game with those two teams' records, and they're both not going to win their divisions more than likely, so big game. Yeah. All right.

First game I like, I like the Falcons at home getting seven against the Seahawks. I think they're a tough team. I know the Seahawks are really good and everything. I think the Seahawks win, but I don't think that they cover. I like that, what was that receiver they got, London or something like that? Yeah. Yeah, that guy, that guy, you know, he was killing the Patriots, killing the Patriots. Beast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm going to take the Falcons at home getting seven points, Paul. Jesus Christ, I got my feet up. Got my feet up in the first quarter. Well, I'm going to take. What are they doing? I, uh, dude, you're right there, Bill. You're one game back.

Who? Sam Rothstein. No, one. You have a two game tie. Oh, okay. Paul, I've had my heart broken too many times to get excited. Well, listen. With four or five weeks left, you already had a good year.

so um i can't think like that paul you know what i mean i just you know i have a job to do i just try to get it done you know i'm the i'm the chiefs right now i had my dynasty right now i'm just trying to see if i could get in the case i've never had a dynasty let's stop saying that a dynasty you have to win three in a row but three years the trophy was in your city and there wasn't a fucking thing anybody could do about it you don't get to win one lose lose lose lose win win yeah fuck out it like three other teams four of the cities have a fucking championship parade during your dynasty? No, I would say this, Paul. It was the most giving dynasty I've ever seen. How about that? It's very generous. I have a dynasty. I'm at my dynasty. Paul, I'm once again, Paul. Four in a row.

I'm sorry. I'm going to take the Jacksonville Jaguars getting one and a half at home. The starting quarterback of the other team has a broken leg. I don't care if it's a hairline. The guy has a hairline fracture in his fibula and he's starting in the game and Jacksonville is home and Jacksonville is kind of flying right now. So it's kind of a pickum. I think that the line is a little low because of the cults. Maybe they think the cults are better than they are. I think the cults are, I don't know. I like the Jags. Paul, I got to say, a Knicks fan voting against betting against a guy with a broken leg really surprised me. This is a random.

I know I'm jumping sports here, but, you know, that's one of the great moments in Nick's history. Yeah, but what people don't realize is he limped back on, and I think he only had two points. Yeah, one bucket. Yeah. Jesus, Jake, Jake, they're calling you early this week. Honey, honey, it's not the weekend yet. I'm working. I'm working.

All right, my next pick. I like the Pittsburgh Steelers, getting six points going into – Wait, why do they both say plus six? I got to feel like the Ravens are laying. The Ravens are favorite, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like the Pittsburgh Steelers. Aaron Rogers come in there, division rivalry.

They know each other. It's fat enough points for me this time of year. Everybody's got, everybody's banged up and whatnot. And I don't know. I feel like the Ravens win the game. And they just haven't like a lot of teams this year. They just haven't been able to put together like a, like a nice streak here so um let's i'm gonna go at the steelers that always seems like those two teams

play close games just black and blue division brother yeah oh yeah big time ballie's deep and thought all right up board yeah i mean dude this bill spangles game is a weird one the line is uh you know i think that's a thursday night spread five and a half you don't see that on sunday a lot i feel so far i got one dog and i got one favorite you know what i'm going to take i'm going to take the miami dolphins dude i'm going to take the miami dolphins a three point favorite against the jets i know the jets won last week but they got tyrod

taylor and i think miami is kind of uh fighting for their coach to stay around and they kind of figured something out i kind of like that bet Paul, that's kind of like a gift, I feel. You don't like it. No, I love it. I love that pick. I love that pick. I feel like, you know, the Jets won their third game. I don't think they're going to win back-to-back fucking games. And I think Jets fans are going to come in this week because they had the win last week.

I think Jets fans are going to be a little excited that they're going to win. And Paul, what happens every time Jets fans get excited? Oof. The rug gets ripped out from underneath them. Paul, God damn it, I like that pick. I wish you didn't take it because I wanted to take that kick. So, off I go into the rest of the fucking thing here. Bears Packers, six and a half.

I know the Packers had a big win. So to the Bears Division rivalry. I mean, I might take old dogs this week. I'm going to take the Bears. I don't give a fuck. I mean, it gives me an excuse to watch that. One of the oldest rivalries, Paul. Yeah, I was going to take them.

They are a very good football team. What's their record? Eight and three? There's a nine and three. Nine. Number one seat in the NFC because the Rams lost. Yeah, I'm not saying they're going to win the game. I'm just, you know, all of these games.

I just feel like I like the points that I'm getting. Okay. And for my fourth and final pick, the game that's going to make me go four and O this week, because that's what I'm going to do. Of course you are, Paul. Manifested. I am going to take the Cleveland Browns minus four.

at home against the hapless, terrible. Tennessee Titans. Shador Sanders is going to maybe find his way. They're at home. They're going to be excited. I don't love that it's four. I wish it was three, but I think that, I mean, Tennessee has been a really, really bad team, probably the worst team in a league. And I think that the Brown should beat him by seven or ten. So those are my four picks. Hey, Paul, you know what I mean? You know, as much as you've been having a tough year, everything, say makes sense. It's just this year has made no sense. I love that pick. I love that pick. All right. So I'm staying away from both Monday night games. I hate the spreads of both of those.

There's only one. But yeah. Oh, okay. So I'm staying away from the Sunday night game and I'm staying away from the Monday night game. What was your fourth pick, Bill? I got you Steelers, Falcons, Bears. This right here is my fourth pick. And I'm just talking because I don't see anything that's really sticking out at me. I keep going back to that Bengals' Bills game. The bills have just been struggling. Are they just going to break out and do what everybody thought they were going to do? Or is Joe, fuck that. Joe Burroughs a cigar-smoking, man.

He's back. He's missed the game. I feel like this is another one where my team might not win the game. I'm taking all dogs this week, Paul. I'm a dog guy. I respect cats, but I like dogs. I'm taking Joe Burrow. and the Bengals,

getting five and a half. And I'm also inviting Joe Burrow to smoke a cigar with me and Paul Verzi any time he wants. We smoke the best stuff out there. Somebody just gave me some real kicks. So if we're ever in that, Paul, forever in Cincinnati.

Smoking a stick with Burrow. I mean, I love that kid. Got to love it. I love that kid. I love that we think he has the time to smoke with us, Paul. That's how good we're feeling this week about our picks. We just invited an NFL quarterback but if you show up and he like smokes the cigar terrible like he ashes it he he does

everything wrong he's a terrible conversation no because i've seen him yeah i've seen the way handles that i'm like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i love um all right well all right paulie those are our those are our four picks each and uh now it is time for the monday night special which is eagles chargers bill you know what time it is oh let that Monday next best show win some money for you we haven't won since the first two weeks so this is what we're going to do win some money for you come on we got we got to do something here we keep we keep hitting like two out of three on our things we've been there but these these you know you got to admit bet mGM they're in business to make money and god damn it they've

been kicking our ass here we're two and eleven paul we're on the hot seat here what's there we get a win eagles charges paul you got a guy with the fractured non throwing hand The fucking Eagles, they keep tripping over their shoelaces this year. They're in Los Angeles. There's a lot of hot pussy out there. They're leaving Philly. You know, I mean, you know, there's a lot of good-looking women in Philly, too. Let's not, let's not, let's not lie here, okay?

A little more attitude. Yeah, it's not L.A., though. Huh? It's not L.A. L.A. is like the Lakers. They don't, all that shit's from somewhere else. They got free agent pussy out here, Paul. I mean, Jake, this is your team here.

What are we doing? Is this hand a problem or what's going on? It could definitely be a problem. The big way I have is the offensive line going against the Eagles defensive line. That's the key matchup to watch. Will Herbert have time to throw? That's going to be the big question. Well, let me answer the question that, Jake.

How do you feel about your offensive line? Jake likes the Eagles. Well, I don't know. The Eagles offense has not been good, but I mean, they'll probably do something against us. It's, I don't know, it's a tough call. I think our O-line is very bad, and their D-line is very good. So that's my worry going into this game, I'll say. So, Jake, if you hated the Chargers, you would not, if you didn't like the Chargers,

you would not like them in this game, right? That's true. I'd probably be like, oh, Herbert has a broken hand. Their O-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-6. That's why Jake has to what he does. He's honest. He's not biased. He's telling you to.

truth he knows yeah this is what i don't like paul if the charges have a bad offensive line and their quarterback has a broken non-throwing hand and the eagles have a good defensive line and then the numbers only three i feel like they want us to jump on that paul that's what i'm thinking too get on that fucking hook yeah i think all of america is going to be thinking like what i just said they're going to be all over the eagles all every once in a while paul you got to walk away from the group, you know? You've got to be a maverick. The Eagles are

struggling. That's very true. Their offenses look really weird. We're in Vegas making their money here, Paul. Everyone's taking the Eagles. It's true. Follow the money. Let's go. Let's go Herbert in the charges, dude.

All right. Let's go Herbert in the charges. Do you want to go money line? You want to just I would personally take the three. I think we should take the three. I think we should take the three Dude, I am an idiot. Let's go money line rather than taking three points. I hope that didn't go by any of our listeners. I'm sure you didn't.

90% of the money line is on Philly. Okay, yeah, I was curious what I was going to be. Money line's 90%. The two and a half, 66%, that's not a bad. Over under. Well, everyone's going to be on the under, whatever that is. You know what, this game is?

You actually bet the charges take the points And bet the money line. It's on the over, Jake. Dick, it's on the over. 75% of the money. I bet you Herbert has a good game, dude. I bet you Herbert has a good game. If they're throwing him out there, you know, he's a, he is a dog.

And he can make any throw on the field. Let's do chargers with the three, Herbert, to throw one. And then, and then. We need something magical, man. We need four people working on this. We've got to hit one of this. We've got to do it. We've got to do it for the people.

And a field goal over. 50 that's very possible with uh charges have a great kicker uh so i don't know that's and doesn't like it he's got to win one we just didn't come out with the speech we got to win one i think there's bad i take an interception i would take each guy to take an interception over if they don't over picking over i don't think both guys turned it over that well herbert has turned it over a little bit well herbert at least herbert yeah hurts doesn't really turn it over that much no he doesn't i don't i don't like that one as much but at least So what, Keenan Allen to catch one?

I would look at the Chargers running back if we're taking a Chargers player. I mean, there's a lot of people on the Eagles we could take as well to score. Oh, Sequant, Sequin, right? We got Sequin, they got Hertz. A.J. Brown's great. I would look at either Hampton or McComkey. I go A.J. Brown, Paul. I just feel like Sequin's the obvious.

Let's just go against the grain. I like that. Okay. AJ Brown, Justin Herbert, and Chargers. There it is. I'm into it. There it is. Guys, don't forget, guys, if you want to play with us, have a good time. All you got to do is go to your device and download the BetMGM app and use our code.

It's Burr, very simple, B-U-R-R, and you put in as little as $10 for your first bet. And after that bet is settled, if you lose that bet, you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets to play, as we always say, bet responsibly. And we have the first touchdown promo bet, which is a fun one. You pick any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown of the game and you win. If they don't, but in fact, get the second touchdown, you get your cash. back. It's very simple. Bet responsibly. Have a good time. It's been a weird year. Oh, does anybody know that but me? Um, but anyway, uh, there you go. This is a week 14. Enjoy. And, uh, yeah, go to

Paul Verzi.com. See me on the road. Go to Bill's thing. See him on the road. Go see Jake on, uh, you know, Rodeo drive with his honeies around them. And, uh, you know, the Greek freak is doing his thing. We will see you guys. Thank you. It's a very great thing. Thank you. Thank you.