Monday Morning Podcast - Calgary, The Ocean, the Food Network | Monday Morning Podcast 8-31-26

Episode Date: August 30, 2026

Bill rambles about Calgary, the ocean, and the Food Network.SimpliSafe: Celebrate their anniversary with us and save 60% on your new SimpliSafe system at SimpliSafe.com/BURR.CashApp: Download Cash App today.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, August 31st, 2020. 6, 6, 6, 6. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Billy lost his voice a little bit. I'm in Spokane, Washington right now. I still have to do my show. I fucking blew it out. The first night I was... in Vancouver. On this run, I did Vancouver, Calgary, and now Spokane. All Outdoor shows. I'm outdoors, you know. I don't know. She's kind of funny. Yeah, I said I know. Everybody funny. Now, you funny, too. Yeah, these have been all outdoor shows. Oh, Billy Winburn, but I blew my voice out on the, on the first one. I was having some of the, much goddamn fun, this great outdoors comedy festival that I've been doing.

And I forget what I was doing. I think I was making fun of people. I watch a lot of videos on bears because they're fucking terrifying. And just the way people who live amongst black bears, the way that they talk to them, the level of disrespect, not so, hey, hey, hey, bear, hey, hi, they start yelling at them. Like, they're their kid. And I just kept fucking doing that. And everybody was laughing.

And then, of course, I appropriated it to other shit. Like being in a relationship, you know, doesn't work with your wife. Hi. You know, whatever the hell I was doing. And it was early on, I felt a little twitch. And I was like, ah, shit. Oh, well. So it's gradually gotten worse.

But I'll be all right. I'll limp my way through. But I want to thank everybody that's been coming out, man. we had some fucking great shows out here it's funny man whenever you do a show outside you're like this is gonna suck and then you get up there and it doesn't I think you know an outdoor show

sucks when nobody knows who you are and they just came out to see a show because then you can lose them really quickly because they don't know who you are they don't give a fuck so you're going up there and it's your job to get them right especially if the host didn't get them or whatever but now you know people come out to see it's you know it's easier you know comics that people don't know yet they're the ones doing the real work

but once they know you it's it's kind of like it's your job to lose you know it's your job to not lose them but then that becomes embarrassing because you can't bomb because you start being that guy hey, that second guy sucked. Oh, that red-headed kid sucked. That's over, especially because I'm bald now. Now it's like, they know your name. They're like, so-and-so, we saw him and he sucked. So it gets a lot more personal.

But anyway, we had some great shows. And I got to give a shout out to a place. I was up in Calgary. And, you know, I heard they're getting rid of this saddle dome, which really makes me sad. So I was staying downtown, and I wanted to walk over and just look at it. I went to a game there a long time ago. I did a hockey weekend where it just worked out with the NHL schedule

that Calgary, Edmonton, and Vancouver had games Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night. So I went up there with the buddy of mine. And I remember it was snowing in Calgary, and we took the train, got off. and you should check the place out the saddle dome. Before they, it looks like a skateboard ramp. Back when they used to make shit look cool, so like the high end of it on either side where you would drop in if you're skateboarding,

that's on either side. You're sitting behind the goalie. And then the lower ends is along the side, like you're sitting Santa Rice or whatever. So when you go in there, it was like visually stunning. And that's the thing that I can't stand because I saw there their new one. Now, granted, it's not built yet, but it's all the luxury.

It looks like the fucking Beverly Center. I'm sure it'll be nice. I'm sure Calgary fans are excited. But also, you're probably going to miss that old one. But, like, that trip, the next one I went up to was Northlands Coliseum. And that was where Gretzky, Yari, Curry, Glenn Anderson, Grant Fure, Mac, Messier, McTavish was up on those teams, Linsman. All of those fucking guys,

I got to go to that one on that trip and just look up and Paul Coffey and just seeing all of those retired jerseys. And all that reminded me is when hockey was on the USA network, shit was fucking hilarious. They had a deal with like ESPN. And this is back. They just didn't run the league right.

They had a deal with ESPN and ESPN was going to renew the contract in the USA Network. offered a little more money and they said, fuck it, and they went with a little more money. And like most people didn't have the USA network on their basic cable. We had it in Massachusetts, thank God.

Probably because it was a hockey city. But I imagine all the other cities that weren't a hockey city probably didn't have the USA network. And then all those people who could have become hockey fans were now left out in the dark. It was just a stupid move. But that was back, you know,

know, those early days in stand-up when I would go to these hockey arenas. I went to the Igloo, Joe Lewis Arena. Obviously, I grew up at the Boston Garden. I went to the second Montreal Forum, the one before the one that they have. I took a tour of Maple Leaf Gardens when they still had the seats in there. I mean, these places were incredible. I saw an avalanche game at like Mick Nichols Arena. I think I saw the Nuggets there, too. Did I catch

any other ones? I never saw Chicago Stadium, never saw Olympic Stadium, never went to the Arden Buffalo, which I always thought was kind of like a sister, like stadium to Boston Garden, because they had like the yellow bleachers, too. They just don't fucking make them like that anymore.

So, anyways, I go to walk over their old sad, Billy. Happens when you get old. You just look They're taking down everything that I remembered. So I was walking over there, and I was stabbing, and I saw this Indian restaurant. I said, you know, I'm going to give that a shot when I come back. I could go for some Indian food, and I went in there.

First things first, Indian people not only making the food, but there was Indian people in there eating it. And I was like, all right, this is good. This is a good sign. And we sat down and it was, the food was fucking incredible. So if you're ever in Calgary, I got to give this place a shout out, even though I know I'm going to butcher the name. Condatum, K-O-N-D-A-T-A-M.

For whatever reason, you're going there, beyond legit. And it was light. It was perfectly seasoned and balanced. I don't know what I got. I sat down and I was just like, I am a white dude. the last thing I'm going to do is order chicken tiki masala. I'm not doing that. Although that's like literally,

like if you don't, that's the Indian version of going to an Italian restaurant and ordering chicken pom. And the thing is, is when you go to legit Indian places or legit Italian, they don't have chicken tiki masala and they don't have fucking a chicken palm. They're like, fuck you.

We're not making that. This place did have that, but I was like, I'm not ordering the chicken tiki. miscell. I forget what I ordered. I ordered this chicken dish that had like garlic ginger, spinach in it, this, always, always like vegetarian based and then

I got chicken added to it. Garlic done and then those, I always forget what you call those things. The appetizer things, you know, they look like a... Remember that? When the Rubik's Cube was big and then they came out with the missing link and then there was another one

that was like a triangle shape. That one, that one did Pyraming. I think it was called pyramids or some shit. Yeah, it's shaped like that. I can't remember what the fuck it's called. But that was also good. I'll tell you this right now about Indian people. Some of the best fucking food

and the best drummers on the planet. They learn it. They learn drums the right way. If you watch a video of how they teach kids how to play percussion, drums, whatever over there. they're from day one they're singing rhythms they're just going back and forth singing rhythms and then you got to play it so their brain and their spirit and everything from day one just gets connected

to hear these rhythms and then play it and apply it it's like they they literally teach them the language of drumming now it's compare it to like a balanced bike versus teaching your kid with training wheels like training wheels took forever but the balance bike thing you got the balance you get the, there's no pedals on them. Like, my kids learned how to ride a bike at like four. They were, it's no biggie. They probably could have done it at three. I just thought they were too young.

But, like, they learned how to balance on the thing first, you know, going down a little hill or whatever, and then they got that down, and then you just have to add the pedals. And then it's sort of they got to learn, they always pick their feet up. They don't know to learn to push off. And once they learn how to push off,

they already have the balance down. And I feel like they do, like, the drumming version of that. Anyway, I was a kid from the 70s, so my older brother taught me how to ride a bike. That's when it was, you know, parents were working and shit, latchkey shit. So I don't know if they,

they probably don't even do that anymore. Like the big, like getting your own cell phone when I was a kid was getting keys to the house and you could let yourself in. I forget how old I was when I got house keys, but I remember I had to stand on my tiptoes to undo the lock on like the fucking deadbolt. And we had like, right as you walked in,

everybody had a little hook where you had your goddamn keys. Oh my God. And then the worst was you'd come home if you forgot your keys getting off the bus. You had to go to the bathroom. Oh, Jesus Christ, where'd you go? You went in the woods.

You went in the woods. And then you started climbing trees and you just waited for your parents. to come home. Then they come home and start yelling at what the fuck are you doing up in that goddamn tree? I forgot my keys. What the fuck did you do that for?

Totally acceptable. All the neighbors, seeing it, hearing it, you know? Not a lot of people had AC back then, so they had their windows open with the screens. And they'd hear your parents cursing you out and all they thought was like, all right, that guy's raising them right.

That's good parenting. It's good parenting to hear him screaming like that. So anyway, Vancouver, like I didn't only get to spend like a, not too much time there. And then we went to Calgary because right after the show because I've gone to every sporting event in all four major sports. I've been to a home game. I got nothing left. You know, Kentucky Derby, the Masters, Indianapolis 500, Talladega, Daytona 500.

I'm running out of shit to do on the road. So, MotoGP, I've been to drag racing. I mean, I've done everything, but watch those lunatics drive those trucks in the swamp. So, you know, I've been to college shit. So finally, I was just like, fuck it, I guess the only thing left is CFL football.

So it just so happened that the Calgary Stampede had like a day game. So we came in. I want to thank everybody there. They hooked us up with tickets. And I got to tell you, man, CFL football is fun. Like, we didn't know shit.

And we were sitting there watching it. And the rules are so different. I'm on the road with Dean Del Rey and Brandon Vestal. And we're all big football fans. And like, the field is wider. It's a 20-yard end zone. And then they have, like, this thing called the center line. So it's technically like, I don't know if you call it the 55 yard

line or the 60. I don't know. I don't know. I think it's 55. So they got 12 people on the field. They, of course, run a spread offense. So they were lining up five. And because you got 12 guys, they could still have a running back. And I don't know if this is true, but it seems they would have two wide receivers up on the line. And then the other three, start running towards the line of scrimmage from way back. And on the first play, we're all like, fucking illegal motion to the third power. Like, what the second power?

Because you can have one guy in motion. We kept calling penalties and we're like, oh, I guess you can do that shit. And then when they score like a touchdown or a field goal, the other team just gets the ball on the 40. They don't kick off. And we were like, wait a minute. Did the other team, like,

do they get to like opt out or does the guy who scored do they get to opt out like yeah man our our special team suck just take it on the 40 but i guess it's like a cte thing with like you know NFL football they they kick it off they wait to the guy catches it and they all start running i don't i don't know it's a whole new game so anyway we watched it and we're down on like the field and like the players are all smaller but like they're fast like linemen everybody everybody's fucking fast. And then you figure if these guys are all undersized

for their position, probably their whole careers, they heard that. So all of them are like gamers. You know what I mean? Like, oh, I'm too small. Watch this. Blah, blah, blah.

So that was kind of the vibe. And I got to tell you, it was fucking was great football. We really enjoyed it. I only stayed for a half because, you know, I had the show and I already blew out my voice or whatever.

And then, oh, God, then I go to do the, uh, the show in fucking in Calgary right so we go up on stage and once again it's just another great crowd and you know I've been trying out a bunch of new shit because I'm sick of my act and uh there's this guy just yelling out I don't know what the fuck he's talking about and then like I guess he had been a problem and he was repeating punch lunch just that guy right I don't know if he took a gummy and didn't time it right but he

The poor bastard was just like, he was, you know, when you're the drunkest person at the party? The older you get, you start to notice that. You're like, you know what? I'm going to switch to waters and I'm going to shut the fuck up. And I'm going to see if I can turn this performance around because that's what I learned towards the end of my drinking. Sometimes I would be like, you know what?

I'm shutting it down. Right now, I'm going to waters. I'm going to let everybody catch up with me and hopefully somebody passes me. Because right now I am. the asshole of the night. I'm, you know, when you're like, I don't have to make some phone calls the next morning.

Dude, I'm sorry. I mean, I, look, I, you know, it's a sports argument. I get a little fucking heated. You know, you're going to have an embarrassing goddamn conversation. So this guy, this night was that guy. And what I learned from him and the people up there is evidently,

this is fucking insane to me. There is a movement in the problem i'm not saying it's a giant movement but there is a movement in the province of of alberta to secede from canada and i'm like okay all right how does that work so i'm talking to this lunatic and i go all right dude let's just stop and think about this i'm not saying you shouldn't do it sir relax let me just let's just let's just let's draw the play up in the sand here Okay, let's say that you make an enemy of Canada and you secede from the Union.

You were immediately surrounded on three sides by the country you just left. Now, God damn it, didn't you learn anything from World War II? What fuck the Germans? They were fighting a war on two fronts. They ran out of guys. So your play right now is not to fucking,

openly say you want to leave Canada. What you should be doing is acting like you're cool with it. Then you go up to the Northwest territories and you go, listen, man, you know nobody respects anything. They only respect the bottom, whatever, right? Quebec, Nova Scotia, what is it? Ontario, Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Alberta, British Columbia. N1. It's not Nova Scotia. Newfoundland? That's what they fucking respect. By the way, that's all fucking God's country too. My God, some of the scenery I've seen in those places. But up top, nobody talks to those people. So what you do is you act like you're fucking cool. You act like you're fucking cool with the rest of Canada. And you get those guys up top to go with you.

Without anybody knowing, no texting, fireside chats. That was on the radio. No, but legit, literally. You get everybody, and then one day you just attack Vancouver. And then you take over fucking British Columbia. All right? You figure at that point, that Queensland Island, whatever the fuck it is, they're going to just concede. Now you got your backs up against the ocean,

and you can fucking face all the Frenches and the superior people, English people, and, you know, the French people think they're superior, and then Toronto, they all think that they're superior because they're the biggest, they're the media capital, and nobody fucking gives a shit about Ottawa, right? Now you just, now you got your backs up against something. You don't have to worry about over your shoulder,

and then you can fight them off. That's how you fucking do it. But before I could explain all of this to the idiot, he ends up getting himself kicked out, and it was fucking hilarious, and he was walking out, and he's getting escorted out, and everybody's clapping, and he puts his fight, it was hilarious.

He walked out. with both arms in the air, you know, and both hands in a fist. And he walked out like he had just thrown the winning touchdown in a Super Bowl. It was hilarious. In his head, he somehow, he won. It was fucking amazing, you know.

It was amazing, just amazing behavior by an individual. So I'm not saying it's going to fail, but all I'm going to say is whatever that movement is to secede, If that's your fucking leader, it's not going to work. There's no way that guy's the leader. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think he just got a little too, he had too many Mulsons.

Okay, he went into the wrong chat room for a couple of weeks. I'm telling you, dude, the internet. You got to be careful. You got to keep it light. You know, like the old school, when you're around a bunch of other adults, what do you do? You don't talk about politics.

You don't bring up fucking religion. You keep it fucking nice. You're going to somebody's house. No matter what it looks like, you say, oh, my God, this is great. It looks great. Whatever food they gave you, it's fucking delicious. You know?

You save any sort of criticism for the fucking car ride home. But even then, then you've got to feel out your wife because maybe she liked all of it, especially if it's her friends. You can't just go in. Like, what the fuck was with that chick? You mean, Mandy? You didn't like Mandy?

You don't want to get involved in that. you just sort of like you know I always hate when I get in the car and my lovely wife will go to me you have a good time

you know she's always checking in on me because I'm fucking crazy so I always go yeah yeah you know I was like fuck I just feel like she's feeling me out

and I can never tell if I said if is this the beginning of you had a good time, then why the fuck did you say that? Or if it's, she wants to say she didn't have a good time, but she wants me to say it first.

That's when you kind of, you give quick answers and you put on the radio. I mean, I, yeah? I had a good time. It's cool, you know? It's a nice feel. I like the yard. You just keep it nice.

You keep it nice. Anyway, it was also nice to go out of a country and know that they didn't accept poisoned beef from fucking Argentina. Like, what are we doing? Like, who took the payoff to accept beef to poison their own fucking countrymen and who are the people that are distributing it?

It's fucking terrorism. And it's stupid. Even Hitler wouldn't fucking poison his own fucking people. Well, some of him he did. All right, that guy, he's, it's never good to bring him up. That's the kind of shit you don't do it apart. This is why I keep my mouth shut. That's why I stop fucking drinking.

But anyway, this is the thing. I'm telling you right now, like, Vietnam into fucking Watergate, they saw what the press could do, and these fucking ghouls, these fucking lizard people that have done all of this shit to all of us, made housing not affordable, made food poison,

have these never-ending fucking wars, all of these goddamn people. The first move that they did was they bought up the media. They're all fucking new to this whole idea that like, oh, CNN is fucking on the left and Fox is on the fucking right. No, they're not. That's just, that's the show. Just like politics.

Oh, red tie. Oh, they think this. Oh, blue tie. Oh, they take that. That's just the show. Just like back in the day when you go to heavy metal concert, you're like, these people worship the devil.

No, they don't. They're trying to sell albums. All right? That isn't real blood coming out of their fucking mouth. It's a fucking show. So, anyway, I don't know. How the fuck do you get, how could you ever? Somebody has to start like a third channel.

The fucking Watergate channel where they actually take people down. I don't know if you can do it, though. It's really fucking wild. I don't know. As crazy as shit was, how come making it great again doesn't go back to having food that isn't poison?

You know, let's make it great again when cows just ate grass other than other cows. Remember when chickens had beaks and they just sort of ran around the yard until you fucking killed them? it's just so accepted now stay away from the lettuce don't eat the eggs we're running out of food don't eat the beef it's just like i don't know fucking insane um i don't know that's all dark shit i'll tell you something really cool the criterion channel has all 17 episodes of the prisoner

which was this absolutely incredible way ahead of its time tv series from England. And how much... This guy's a spy, and he's going through all of this. Like, he goes to... Just to give you the backstory, you learn this in, like, the opening credits. This spy goes in, and he just retires,

and the agency he works for doesn't know why he retired, and they need to know. So he retires, and he tries to go back to his apartment. This is what they show in the opening credits. So this is not a spoiler alert. And he's packing a quick bag, and then they send gas through the keyhole. And he passes out, and he wakes up on this fucking Truman Show Island where they just film him 24-7.

And each episode is them trying a new tactic to try to break this guy, to get him to tell him why he fucking retired. And he keeps telling him, I retired because I just wanted to fucking travel, and they just won't accept it. So each time, each episode is him trying to figure out how to fuck to get off the island. It's wild. And this is where that famous soundbite from the number of the beast album, The Prisoner, where they go, we want information.

Information. Information. Who are you? The new number two, who is number one? You are number six. I am not a number. I am a free man. laughs. The first time you hear that soundbite is episode four, but it's a different laugh.

Episode five, I believe, is the one that Iron Maiden used. So check that out if you get a chance. It's an absolute fucking masterpiece. And it's shot really cool. And it's just so far ahead if it's time. I've always heard people have always, you know, in the States that somehow got to see it. I don't know where they rented it back in the day. I've never seen or talked to anybody that's ever watched an episode, I mean, watched that series and not said it was amazing. So there you go. That's my recommendation for the day. And downtown Spokane, this is one of the places I've never been to. It's really cool. Most of it's all brick-building. buildings because I guess they had a huge fire here.

Same year Chicago had a big fire on somebody else. So it all burned down to the ground. They said, fuck this. We're going to make it out of brick. It's amazing. It's a really beautiful city. And also at Gonzaga University, where I believe the women's team plays volleyball,

Dean Del Rey was telling me, was the location. They still have, I'm sure they've updated it, but it's, the place where Led Zeppelin played their first American show in December of 1968 before Zeppelin

1 came out and they were opening for Vanilla Fudge and there's bootleg audio of it I listened to the first 10 minutes of it to get psyched for the show tonight. We're not playing that but I mean

still in the same area where those guys walked and after like 9, 9,000 minutes in plants talking about the sound that there's like an echo and he's trying to get it fixed you know opening band shit it's really cool but what's amazing is i think bonham at that point is still playing a slingerland kit and they're opening for vanilla fudge who for you you drum maniacs out there you know that he he was a i think by yeah he was already like a superstar drummer and he had

this crazy deal with like Ludwig and he had that maple kit and uh he saw Bonham and I don't know if this is the first time he met him I imagine this first time they're coming over there I mean shit he was 20 years old I think and uh Bonham was and he was playing that slingerling kit and as the legend goes was uh Carmen Appasie. or Carmen of Peace. It's weird. Vinnie goes by Vinnie Apice and Carmen of Peace, but they're brothers. They pronounce their name.

I think one of them does the actual proper Italian pronunciation. I always forget which is worse, but anyways, he saw Bonham was like, holy shit, you're like a beast. And then Bonham was doing these triplet things. And, you know, the 16th don't triplet lick. And that was that famous story.

Carmen Apic was, Apicee was like, what the fuck, dude? And Bonham was like, dude, I took that lick from you. Bonham didn't know that Carmine was doing it on a double base. So because, you know, there was no YouTube and there was nothing like that, he just worked with what he had and then he developed his foot and the rest is history. So I don't know. As much as it's amazing that there is all of this information out here, these happy accidents

don't seem to happen anymore or as much, I feel, because you can get the answer before you don't know the... You don't get to go through that thing where you think you know the answer and you're actually wrong, but it sends you blazing a new trail

without you even fucking realizing it. Speaking of which, you know, I tell you guys, I always have these red flags on like picking out a fucking... A good coffee place versus a bad one. You know, I got a new thing with, like, restaurants.

I'm not saying you shouldn't go to these restaurants, but, like, it's a red flag to me. If I see garlic aoli sauce and one more fucking, you know, dish or restaurant, the second I see that, I go, fuck that. If you have a burger and you have garlic aoli sauce on them, I'm not fucking doing that. All right, enough with it. It was nice.

It was great. It's been worn out. Like, something else needs to happen. There needs to be some sort of movement. Like, I feel like, you know, there's got to be, like, hacky things to do as a chef the same way there is. Like, if I went up and did, you know, what's up with airplanes? You know? Is this shit crazy?

I feel like that's the garlic. Garlic aoli sauce is the airplane material of cooking at this point, like the spice to take it to it. Like, you don't know what the fuck you're doing and you need something to make it exciting. So you're going to go with this same fucking thing that everybody's using. but we're all guilty of it. I remember one night I had to do airplane material and I had to do it in front of a bunch of fucking comedians. It was the first time Trump got elected.

And so it was like 2016. It was November. And I was doing this big benefit. And this comedian went up. She went up and she was pissed that Trump got elected. So she went. went up there and started going off on how fucking stupid people were for voting.

And they kind of cursed out the crowd like they all voted for. So half the crowd was cheering because they liked what this person was saying. The other half started booing. So I'm not naming any names. It was fucking amazing. And this comic didn't give a shit, you know, just kept going, said what they had to say, you know, which is fucking stand-up comedy. So the person ends their scent, you know,

half cheers, half booze, get off stage. And then the next person goes up. This person politically leaned the other way. So this person goes up and then starts motherfucking everybody on the left. So then the exact opposite people that were just cheering started booing. And then the booing people

started fucking cheering, and it was a shit show. I got to tell you, as a comedian, it was fucking amazing to watch. Both of these comics just up there like, fuck you. This is what I think. But the funny thing was it was a benefit. So the second dude is now getting booed, and it's becoming a shit show. So the dude who runs the benefit,

I'm going on next, comes down, and he's going like, what the fuck is going on? So I'm fucking, I want to laugh, but I have to go on next. And I'm thinking like, how do fuck am I going to turn this around? There's only one way to do it. I got to go garlic aoli sauce. I got to do fucking airplane material. So, and I had a bit.

I had, you know, just like in your phone, you got that guilty pleasure song that, you know, you listen to by yourself with the windows up. This was my fucking, my, my, my, my, my, joke that I would do it on the road, like if I was just fucking tired or the crowd was tough, and I just said, fuck it, or I don't know, I just was off. It would always kill because it was easy or whatever. So I go up there. They bring me up, and the crowd is just a fucking mess.

So I walk up and I get on the mic. I go, hey, what's up, man? I go, hey, you guys want to talk politics? And I got to laugh. And then I immediately went into this airplane material. and it fucking murdered. And I was embarrassed the entire time I was doing it.

And it was a shameful six minutes of my stand-up career, but I got it back. And then I went into my act and then it was fine. But so, as much as I'm shitting on garlic aoli sauce, we all do it.

At some point, you know, at some point we all just fucking go, what do you want a grilled cheese sandwich? I don't give a fuck. Here it is. You fucking cunts. Now I'm blaming the crowd. I wonder if chefs do that.

I know that with like Michelin shit. Do you know like when you get a Michelin star like after that? Like you, it's kind of like the now you can't leave. You can't change your menu. You got to, or else you lose your star. I always like all the badass chefs are like, all right, well, I got the star and like cooking's an art form. I'm not just going to sit here stagnant.

All right? Fuck your star. I'm going back to cooking. All right? I know I can get one if I want one. Here's my new menu. Why don't you guys swing by? See if I'm worthy of another fucking star on my forehead.

So stupid. Awards. Anyway, simply safe, everybody. All right. This is the advertising here for this week. What do we got? Simply goddamn safe. Simply safe.

You know, here's the thing about other home security systems. They're all designed for the after. After the window breaks, after someone's inside, after you jumped out the window of your own fucking house because someone else is in there,

you know, when your wife wouldn't let you buy a cattle prodder like you wanted to, a two-story one, you know? Dude, I don't have to put on my fucking pajama bottoms. I could just fucking electrocute them from the top of the foyer. after you get the

Who does? You know, come on, man. When are you rednecks out there? You got to have some fucking, like, so you don't have to get up out of your sleep, you know, some cattle prodder. Remember like those old fucking Vietnam war movies? And the guys would be walking through the jungle

and they trip something and then like the bamboo spikes would come swinging. Should do that with a cattle prodder. Somebody comes through the front door. This fucking thing comes down, electrocute some. you're still sleeping. You wake up the next morning, you got a deep fried fucking birther.

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See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton Debit Flex card, and the Bank Court debit flex card. Savings provided by Cash app, a Block Inc. brand. Visit cash.com. slash legal slash podcast. Both of those are backslash for full disclosures. All right. We're on to, oh, good, we're under your questions. We're under your questions. You know, it's difficult as the advertising is. You know what I mean? I get the hard stuff out of the way. Then I get to the good stuff when you guys write in, which I really appreciate. All right.

Other than that, I have to keep telling you stories about bombing on the road. All right, NASA's CO2 study. Hey, Billy Burnbright. Oh, Jesus. Nobody's more afraid of global warming than jinges. Maybe albinos. All those people that have that disease that they can't even be in the fucking sun. There's a study that NASA did

that concluded that most of the CO2 in the air is given off by ocean. Underwater life cycles determine much of the CO2 in our atmosphere. It's concluded that, humans contribute, but ultimately do not move the needle when it comes to weather. Who paid for this? Are you going to talk about like naturally how you, all those volcanoes under the ocean that erupt? And then it goes, last I heard they were blaming the cows. I don't know.

I think this isn't stressed by the oil companies own news outlets. Oh, you're saying it isn't. Okay. And publications because it would mean they couldn't control our movement in the near future, which seems to be the point of flock cameras, digital ID, and apparently now fingerprinting us at the airport. Yeah, dude, we are just walking off to fucking slaughter. And we're just giving all of this information and all of these corporations are bundling it and they're selling it to these fucking lunatics.

It's insane. And all they have us watching is liberals and conservatives. We're focused on that rather than us all getting on the same fucking team. There's no reason for these flock cameras other than to prevent any sort of uprising. Because they've already bought up all the fucking media. So they're just going to, all the media does that says that the other half of the country is your enemy. And they never bring up the people that they fucking work for. and now, you know, eventually that lie is going to run out when we're all fucked.

And then we're all going to collectively start looking at these fucking cunts. It everybody's going to want to go Luigi and they need to stop that. So they need to know who you are, where you are, who you're talking to, what you're saying, and where, and then they'll just be able to put out all the little fires so they can prevent an uprising. That's what all of this is about. I mean, why are they treating all of us like we're fucking mob bosses? Like, why do you need to, I'm a fucking jerk-off comedian.

Like, what do you need to know where the hell I am? You want to see where I just bought my latest cigar and had a cup of coffee? You know all of these cunts at the top, they all fucking, they don't, they can opt out of all of that shit. Who's watching them? Plus, you know, what I do find is interesting. It's aren't they building a mousetrap that they're not going to be able to get out of?

Like, how are you going to get away with like a Ponzi scheme in the future? They'll see all the emails and the fake reports in real time, right? I don't know. Anyway, I remember the 90s we tried to reduce and reuse as well as recycle. But now all we do is the least effective of the three, which is recycle. Everything is plastic and single use. And I never hear anyone talk about. reducing trash. We just throw it in a bin and hope for the best. Dude, I hate to tell you this.

They're not recycling. You just put it in a blue bin and it makes you feel good. And then one truck goes and they just dump it the same place where the green shit went, where the one in the black bin and the blue bin, and then it all goes into the fucking ocean. I don't know, dude. I don't know what the solution is. But I really think that this is really good. This is really good. dark just to brace yourself you know there's bacteria in your gut from day one that is dormant and the second you die it becomes active and it's for when you die so you decompose and it creates all those gases and stuff and that's why when people kill people and they throw them you know into the fucking ocean they they always find a floater that's that gas in your gut is what brings

you back up um from what i heard when i read that book the westies because when they used to cut people they used to make sure they gut them too you know that's why they would always find like a fucking headless torso because that bacteria in the gut it was like a balloon um so i kind of feel like god made every species has like a flaw and ours is just greed gluttony sociopaths and all of that and that's they're sort of the human version of the that bacteria in your gut and they're they're here to end our time here, so the next thing's going to come along. George Collin had that great bit.

Another guy way ahead of his time. Like 30-something years ago, so the Earth is going to be fine. It's not going anywhere we are. And that's the thing. No matter what we do to this planet, it'll heal itself after we go. And it has all the fucking time in the world

to shake us off and gradually, you know, go on a billion year fast from human beings and it'll go back to an Eden and then the next people because that's something, you know, I don't know, scientists have kind of figured that out but I always remember talking to Patrice

the rest of soul a long time ago and I started reading about this shit. I even think like the ocean and all of this water stuff that keeps us alive is the toxic waste from the last people that fucked everything up? Like whatever grows out of whatever we leave behind, like plastic is going to be like,

mushrooms or having an apple to whatever comes out of the sea the next time? I don't know. I'm not a smart guy. I just think this stupid shit. All right. Secret class at Stanford for elites. Jesus Christ. This is why they're always

coming down on comedians and athletes and politicians and act. But they never come down on them. They never talk about this shit. For people hoarding hand sanitizer. Hey Bill, a couple weeks ago, someone wrote in about Bill Gates' daughter and how her company partook in fraud by applying referral codes to purchases.

It did not actually help guide to the original store. I don't even know what that means. I walk into a store and I talk to a person. I ask for help. I pick up the product. If it looks good, I'd buy it. Referral codes to purchases. Okay.

For the record, a few guys did jail time for the same crime. I wonder if she'll ever see the end. inside of a cell or the least be fined or shamed. Shamed. How long does that last? Anyway, it came out shortly after that she took a class at Stanford that was not open to all students, but only select few where they were taught how to manipulate society. How did you hear about this?

Jesus, I'm recommending the prisoner. Should I just be watching the fucking news? This is unbelievable. I've heard this before from a truck. friend of mine who attended a private school in New York and Zurich. And he told me how most of what they're taught has little overlap with public schools and the majority of private schools. They're taught about economic levers and psychological nuances of society in order to build businesses and manage money in ways people don't understand. It all tracks when you learn about the elites

capture of education in the early 1900s. Old George Carlin was right. It's a big club and you ain't in it. 100%. 100 fucking percent. All right. Well, I don't know what to say to that, other than that's all terrifying. How about that Red Sox Yankees series?

Wasn't that fun? Red Sox win the first two. Yankees win the next two. On our way to October baseball, everybody. Bread and circus. All right. Cooking shows. Oh, Billy Burntanz.

Oh, who doesn't like a Burnton? A few weeks ago back, you mentioned how great Mario Battagli's old show was where he would just hang out. Yeah, Multimario. He would hang out and cook with his friends compared to all the children drill sergeant running a profitable business shows now. Oh my God, the Food Network is so lost its fucking way. If it even still exists, it's adults yelling at children. Saying their toast could have been a little more flavorful. Another fun one is Emerald.

Ligasi's cooking show. Yeah, that was fun, too. Emerald Live. It basically, it's the same thing, just hanging out and cooking, but it's with the studio audience of like 100 people. Yeah, I used to watch that too.

And most of the audience is a bunch of fat guys drinking beer and salivating over the food for the whole show. Can you start a cooking show on YouTube or something? I want to learn how to make a good pie crust. That video still exists.

It's still out there. I think I have a better recipe, though. Since then, I don't know. I guess the next move is to try to make a garden. Is that still legal to grow your own food? Are you going to be forced to eat this? Just out of curiosity, why would you make poison beef? They tried to sell it to China.

They said no, and then we accepted it. I just don't, I mean, and then what? Then they fly the stealth bomber over a stadium and everybody's eating fucking poison beef. I just, I don't fucking, why would you kill your own people? Because the robots are coming. They got to make room.

Movie list. Hey, what's going on? Billy Burr in Blue. A few episodes ago, you talked about the movie Electric Glide in Blue. Man, what a great movie. And how much you enjoyed the cinematography. So here's a curated list of films,

especially for you. The ones in bold font are particularly fitting, I presume. I copied and paste it, so I don't I don't know which ones are in bold, but I've watched a few of these. All right, 1989, there's a movie called Jackknife. Never saw that. 1984, the hit, never saw that.

81 Outland. 1978, Midnight Express. That movie fucked me up when I saw that. I think only now I could watch that again. 1975 the Iger sanction I think I saw that when I was a kid 1979 night moves did I watch that recently I think that came up and I don't think I watched it

1974 the parallax view that's fucking amazing 74 the Odessa file I haven't seen that 1974 the conversation is a masterpiece 1973 the outfit I saw that that's with Robert Duvall I believe 1973, the offense, I haven't seen that. 1973, Scarecrow with Gene Hackman and Al Pacino.

That is a fucking unbelievable movie. This is a great list. 1973, Breezy, never saw that. 1972, fear is the key. Never saw that. 71, wake in fright. Didn't see that. 1971, I saw this one, the Anderson.

tapes or Sean Connery and a young Garrett Morris before S&L. 71 Clute. Somebody told me to see that. I never saw that. Oh, this is a great one. 1975, easy pieces. Jack Nicholson, and then one of my favorite actors of all time, Karen Black, is in that. And then 1970 Colossus, the Forbidden Project.

Well, you know what? God bless you. you have great taste. Because the ones that I saw on that, I absolutely love. He said, I was about to put together a visual list with DVD covers and links,

but it was just too much work. Dude, you did more than enough. After all, I don't even know you, you're your bald cunt. So go fuck yourself and enjoy. Thank you so much. That is fantastic. Anyway, all right.

Well, that's the podcast, everybody. I want to thank everybody that came out. outside. I had such a great time. And yeah, I got a bunch of new stuff. Just riffing, screwing around. And, you know, I got like an hour and 15. I'm ready to do a special, but I got an acting gig coming up. So I got a kind of time it. Maybe I'll, I'll do another one after I get on the other side of this thing. But I'm just going to keep plowing ahead. I'll tell you one special that I've heard that everybody, all the comedians are buzzing about. And this guy truly is absolutely fucking brilliant.

And he's one of my favorite comedians out there. Rory Scoville has a new stand-up special that's out that is fucking bananas as always. His shit is just so goddamn funny. I haven't seen it yet. I saw a clip. and he had a bit about the Tesla guy there Seig-heiling. I also have a bit

ours are different but I just feel like he got there first so I'm going to do mine on the road but I'm going to kind of I don't know if I'm going to do I think I'll leave it but I do feel it's important to remind people that that guy fucking Sieg-tiled fucking unbelievable

and nothing happened How do How do we go from the friends of Frank Fay And the reaction to that To this is just fucking beyond me It's just beyond me But whenever I go out on the road Everywhere I go there's just great people

And people are nice So hopefully there'll be some sort of sanity We need to get some sort of Regulations going again All of these people, they sold us, you don't want big government, you don't want big government in your life telling you what the fuck to do? Well, now they're not in our lives,

and the corporations have run free, and they're scanning our eyeballs and fingerprinting us and watching us everywhere we go. That's not the fucking government. Those are the corporations. That's what happens when government isn't watching anybody. Is these fucking lunatics create monopolies, and then they start competing with everybody else,

and they completely lose their fucking way. That's what is happening right now. So, I don't know, that's my fucking two cents. What are you going to do? All right, everybody. Thank you for listening and, you know, go fuck yourselves, and I'll check it on you on Thursday.