Monday Morning Podcast - Colonoscopies, Social Media Crimes, Reading Slow | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-15-26

Episode Date: October 15, 2026

Bill rambles about colonoscopies, social media crimes, and reading slow.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(36:21) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 10-15-18 - Bill rambles about the NFL, epic sports bar guy, and afternoon delights.Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Wilco - Heavy Metal DrummerPolicy Genius: Head to policygenius.com/BILLBURR to compare life insurance quotes from top companies and see how much you could save.Trees: Listeners to our show get 20% off their purchase when using the code BURR at checkout at http://www.Trees.comFreshBooks: Right now, my listeners can get FreshBooks for less than $3 a month for your first four months — that's 90% off at www.FreshBooks.com/PodcastCashApp: Download Cash App Today: https://click.cash.app/ui6m/lcfm4iwf #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa® Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card (https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement), Sutton debit flex card (https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/debit-flex-card-agreement-sutton), and Bancorp debit flex card (https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/debit-flex-card-agreement-bancorp). Savings provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Parents and legal guardians can open a sponsored account for teens 13-17. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Bird. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Sorry, I just felt like doing a little verbato. Verbrato or burbrado? Either way, it was fucking terrible.

I'm watching my first hockey game of the year, or the background. I got on the fucking Washington Capitals against the hated habit. the Montreal Canadians. They just scored. Out front. Whoever number 73 is,

that's not their first line with Cole Houser. Who the fuck, what's that guy's name? The left wing they got scored 51 last year. Anyway, dude, when is Wilson going to retire? Jesus, fucking Christ. I'll tell you, you'd love him if he played on your team, just blowing out people's fucking knees.

Going for the... their heads and then just shrugging his shoulders like it was the 300th accident in a row. I don't understand why players like that. Like back in the day, Alts Samerson was just going after people's knees. It's just like, why don't you just do that to him? If the league isn't going to do anything about this. I'm not saying Wilson is at that level. I mean, the kid can fucking play.

I'm not saying that. I'm just saying there's been a lot of questionable, a lot of questionable shit. How many times can you shrug your shoulders going? I don't know what happens. happened there. I was, I was aiming for his chest and somehow I caught him right on his fucking jaw again. Um, I'm just saying. Like, I just never understood why, like, what Ty Domi did to Ulf Samlinson. It's like, it should just be happening every night until the filthy player realizes they either need to change the way they play or they're not good enough to play at that level.

But if you think you're going to come up here and just start fucking diving, boarding and diving at people's fucking knees and hitting them in the jaws, they're following. on a shot, that filthy fucking shit. If he plays on the edge, those are the things all the Homer announcers say. You'd love him if he played for you. He plays on the edge. You know, he's definitely had, you know, he's a good kid.

He's got a big heart, and, you know, he's there. He stands up for his teammates. These are all things when the Homer announcer's not going to say you might want to have a knee brace on, double knee braces like John Elway, when you fucking play against this guy. I'll tell you, he's good to his mother. You know, he always calls after every game.

If that's what they say about his game on the ice, that's when you know, all right, this guy, you know. They should say that about Trump. You know, he leads on the edge. You know what I mean? Sorry, drinking a little bit of water here. Oh, Billy, old guy on the other side, on the other side of the once every five years fucking colon.

An oscopy It's such a funny word You gotta do it to avoid Ask cancer Colan oscopy Sometimes I think it's just a money maker Dude at first they said You gotta get it by the time you're 50

45, 40, 39 You know, you get it once every five years, Three years, every six months It's just dude, they're fucking like it's like jiffy lube over there they fucking open the door as the back end they wheel one old

fucking middle age guy out they close the door they wheel another one in it's just never ended the fucking goddamn choo-choo train going up the caboose there it is

you know the hardest thing about a colonoscopy those were the original words that's how far ahead Billy Joel was, you know, all the greats are always a little ahead of that time. Those were the original lyrics. And then the label was like, Billy, no one knows what a colonoscopy is. All right.

It's 1973. No, when did he do honesty? Was that late 70s? On the trouble under the bridge on the east side of town. I always get like all of those albums blur together in me. Springsteen, uh, fucking Billy Joel. you know all that you know singing about towns in jersey and fucking pennsylvania and uh long island i mean i wasn't i had never been to those places but it just didn't sound like they were fun places to be like

there just was no jobs there was no work everybody was trying to get the fuck out of there or they were just giving into it you know smoke a pack of smokes like my dad fucking die on the railroad track whatever the fuck they were singing about it was a terrible impression of all of that music you know and then everybody out in Detroit was just screaming

from the MC5 to Bob Seeger everybody was fucking yelling out that way and then he had easy listening shit from Laurel Canyon everybody was smoking weed like hey man like, why is it got to be so loud? Like, you know, man?

Oh, and the caps answer back. One to one, 1204 to go in the first fucking period. So, yeah, somewhere along the line, all of that music became, got called yacht rock. Which is amazing to me. How that whole

fucking thing came about. and thinks like it's bad music or it's like ironic music and something. It's just like, you fucking write a song with the level of musicianship. Like, everybody makes fun of Steely Dan and shit. I get it or whatever, but it's just like, I don't know. Can you write at that level? It's kind of sick. I mean, went from that to like this fucking mumbling shit,

writing tattoos on your face or whatever. I hate the face tattoo because, you know, once tattoos became removable, you know it's it's it's it's not as bold a choice it's still a it's still a it's still a bold choice you know has anybody ever written anything happy on their face if they write a word you know it's it always seems like like whatever the cure was thinking when they were writing songs like they wrote that on their face. I'm still lobbying for that.

Like the next time The Cure put out an album, the album should be called Still Sad. I just think that that's, I don't know why. I just love that album title. And I got a good name for an AI band, digital soul. You know, you're sort of steering into it. You're sort of admitting that it is soulless music.

or are you saying that there's a way to use this technology to actually make a human being feel something? These are just ideas. You know what I mean? You know, guys, I can't, as much as I want to, sometimes I can't turn off to creativity. Anyway, I had a colonoscopy today. Everything looked good, so I'm good to go for another five fucking years.

And I got to tell you something, dude. I don't want to be controversial here. I don't want to say the wrong thing, but I fucking love anesthesia. The few times I've gone under, man, it's like I get Michael Jackson now. Like, he had the money for this shit. I mean, I know it didn't turn out as well as you would have hoped.

You know, we end up with the ultimate REM sleep and not waking up. Imagine if that's what death is. You just go to sleep and you never stop dreaming, but it's not annoying. you're just sort of tripping just listening to cool music and stuff

that would get old anything forever is that's why I don't like think anything consciously happens after you die just because the whole idea of forever makes everything hell after a certain point like forever like this whole fucking idea that like when you die

that all of these people that you love you get to be with them forever. It's like, well, what if they don't want to be with you forever? What if you remember the relationship in a better light than they do? Or like, what about that chick that broke your heart who didn't want to be with you? And then you're in heaven. You get to see her again.

She broke up with you. Now, there's a reason she broke up with you. She didn't love you. Now you're in heaven. Now she has to spend her whole life with the dude she broke up with, just to make you happy, just to make it your heaven. I don't know. Anyway, the Bruins always come out to the West Coast early.

They're playing Anaheim Friday night, and then they got, they got fucking the Kings on Friday, on Saturday. Listen, watch me. I'm going to weave a promotion into this. I'm at the fastball comedy festival in Mesa, Arizona. on Saturday when the Bruins play the Kings in L.A. I'll be out there with the great Tom Segora and the great Rachel Feinstein.

That's when they play the Kings. Maybe I'll take a ride. Slow ride. Wee, win, win at a game. Down to watch the Bruins. Maybe I'll do that. Take the old kiddos down. Who knows?

Hey, who knows? Who the fuck knows? Oh, and the Canadians. answer back. I'll tell you right now, if you're in the defense, you put on the wrong game. 8.45 to go in the first. Number 48, Hudson in your program. Two to one. Two to one fucking Canadians. Oh, we beat him short side cleanly. Little bit of traffic. Little bit of traffic. I don't know. This is one like the fucking kid who never played sports in the crowd. Dude, I could have fucking stop that. I could have stopped that with my fucking ego kid.

Anyway, hey, don't fucking look now, but what the fuck? The Milwaukee Brewers are up two games to none against the fucking the new, the rebooted, not rebooted, the fucking, I don't know, the latest evil empire. The Los Angeles Dodgers. They play game three tonight. I'm going to fucking sit there. Oh no, I'm going to go out. I'm going to go out and see Digger tonight. I cannot wait to see that movie.

Don't listen to critics. They fucking hate everything. And don't listen to Dushbags online. They hate everything. Tom Cruise, just that clip there. That looks like his best performance. I didn't even know it was him. And it looks like the most fun he's had since Tropic Thunder.

So I want to see it. So I'm going to check that out tonight. And once again, the social reckoning. Don't blink and you'll miss me. Old Freckles is in there for a minute. We got both Jeremy's in there. Strong and Alan White and Mikey Madison and fucking Billy Magnuson.

Got all kinds of fucking amazing people in that. Aaron Sorkin, writer and director, check it out if you can. And hopefully you'll understand the message of it. And you don't let the people that it's about allow you to politicize it. It's kind of funny that they're doing exactly what they say that they do in that thing.

It's like the kind of the message of that movie is these people that run these platforms realized that there was racist, terrorists, and predators using it for what they like to do, especially predators. They were literally

sending stuff, posing as kids, sending horrific stuff to children. They knew about it and didn't do anything about it. and somehow they're going to turn this into a Trump Biden thing. And it's like, no, no, no, dude. This transcends that. I think everybody on both sides agrees that if there's a predator in the room,

you need to put it down. I think everybody can get behind that. I hope you can. I mean, I don't know, this day and age. Somebody goes to Underage Island and they have the right fucking tie on. Like somehow these people don't, they still don't see it. Right there. I politicized it. See, I shouldn't have said that. It's hard. It's a hard thing to do.

Anyway, so check that out. Anyways, let's get back to fucking anesthesia. Like they were saying, all right, Mr. Burr, you know, I'm at that age where they call me Mr. Mr. Burr, they would start to administer the anesthesia. This is, you know, you're going to feel a little sleepy? And I said, yeah, man, I go, I love anesthesia. I go, see in five minutes. And they laughed, and that's the last thing I remember.

And then all of a sudden, all you do is you just feel an air conditioner on you. Like, it feels like five minutes later. And then you're in the recovery room. And then that's it. That's all there is to it. The hardest thing about it, if you're fucking, you know, most guys are afraid to go to the hospital, it's drinking that crap that makes you shit your brains out.

Your fucking brains out. One more time. Shit. You fucking. brains out. You can only drink clear liquids the day before. I know all of this sounds like it's awful,

but as opposed to getting ass cancer, I think this is a smart thing to do. So, you know, the day before, you just drink nothing but clear liquids. And then around 3 o'clock, you take four pills of like this Duralek shit, and then there's something lax. And they capitalize L-A-X, like the Airbril.

port but it's really like fucking ex lax kind of and and you know you mix it at four and then you start drinking it at five eight ounces every 15 minutes from five to seven 64 ounces and then like you know you tell them i'm fucking you know go tombstone and hell's coming with me whatever that thing is that's coming out of your ass how do i forget that one of the great things that's one of the great fucking lines of all time by one of the greatest actors of all time Kurt Russell you tell him something something and hell's coming with me that's oh my god my kids were laughing at me last night we were watching toy story 5 which is great it's unbelievable how many times they just they just keep doing that movie over again and it's fucking great and they

always come up with a new angle on it, whatever. Sorry about the stomach growling. I still got that shit going through me. Anyway, when didn't Vin Diesel start coaching the fucking capitals? I love it. He's giving the ref hell. You give him shit. The fuck kind of call is that, Vin Diesel's brother.

He might not be fast, but he's definitely furious. Thank you. I'll be at the fastball comedy festival this Saturday night. October 17th in Mesa Arizona. Two on one! He tried to go top shelf. Anyway, oh, Billy Freckles, this is my last

my last foray of the year on the road, and then that's it. I've already started my Christmas shopping, and then I'm going to hang with the kids, and I'm going to try to get some hours in this year, man. I barely flew. I took some

I took a lesson the other day, doing the whole, all the auto rotations and shit. Those things are fucking fun as hell, man. And I've got, you know, my instructor's always doing that shit like chop and throttle or whatever. And it's good, it just gets that muscle memory where you just slam the fucking collective down. You know, it's just, it's always,

it's always good to do stuff like that. And today, you know what killed me was today was the perfect day to go on a ride, motorcycle ride through one of the infinite amount of canyons out here. Don't ever listen to somebody talk shit about L.A., man. Like, I'm telling you, there's the same way like where you lived is all this cool shit to do. There's so much cool shit to do out here,

especially during the week when everybody's at work. Speaking of Fast and the Furious, that's when old fucking old Billy rides the canyons, dragging an ankle, not a knee, not a shoulder. Side of my foot. Oh, look at that. Would you look at that? All right. Policy genius, everybody. We're going to do some reads here for the week. Policy genius. You know, a quick act of preparation can make all the difference. So before the season gets even busier,

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my lovely wife, FaceTime me. The fuck was I... I was talking about all the cool shit to do out here. Yeah. L.A.'s an amazing city. Don't listen to our current leader saying that it should be bombed. I thought he was a tough guy. Look at him, starting shit in the bar

and then backing up behind his friends, letting them fight his fight. San Diego or L.A. would be a better place to bomb. I thought you were a tough guy. old donnie hands what happened you put them in your pockets and you back up behind your friends go fight your own fucking battles what are you afraid of a couple of drones um anyways he's turtling like fucking old samuelson um anyway i gotta get caught up on the motor gp action i think marco bacheck won the next one and a buddy of mine was telling me how amazing the sprint was on Saturday, say. So I'm going to get caught up this weekend with everything

and see what's going on. I always get busy this time of year. Right as the MotoGP season ends, I don't know what happens. The kids go back to school. I'm finishing up on the road. And then I always get a couple races behind it. I'm determined to get back on schedule. I got to watch two sprints, two races. I saw the Pedro Costa highlights when he won the previous race. and I got to get caught up. So I think I'm two races behind, possibly three, but I will be all caught up.

And that's it. And I found somebody else out here that can take me on a track out here to get better at riding and all that type of stuff. And I kind of like doing that. You know what I mean? Oh, Billy, careful. Careful Billy.

Three miles of exposure. And then I'm in the fucking canyons all by myself, which presents another day. danger. What if I go down when I'm out there, then I'm all by myself like a fucking cowboy that fell off his horse. But you know, are you living if there's not a little danger, dude? You know, you got to have a little bit. Today would have been the perfect day, but I had the anesthesia. The anesthesia there. I will say, oh my God, if it wasn't so fucking dangerous, you know what I mean? I mean, the two best ways to get through a long,

flight would be a great book or anesthesia, one or the other. Like, I read that book about the Spanish flu, flew across the country, like read like 180 pages. I read slow, dude. Like, I was all excited about that. It's like a five-hour flight, so I'm averaging like 30, 35 pages an hour, you know? I think, like, to be, like, considered smart, there's a, no, this big, fucking bald bastard. Look at this fucking guy who coaches the goddamn Canadians. Now that is the last

fucking guy you would want to get punched in the fucking head by. Look at this guy. Fucking lurch. That guy in that outfit. First of all, his fist would take up your whole face.

This has to be like grown up outside of Boston. Like that's, when you size, whenever you look at somebody, that's the first thing you think about. Dude, what if that guy fucking suck at me? What if I was drinking a Sam Adam Summer Rail and I didn't realize, you know, because I was thinking about who I was going to take,

the over or the under, I didn't realize I was looking at this guy across the bar and then he fucking came over. If that guy ever fucking punched me in the head, that would be the end of this podcast. And I don't mean this episode. I mean this podcast. There would be a guest host on Monday, memorializing me.

One of the earliest people to do a podcast, never got the big podcasting deal, never transitioned over to the video, never fucking read the tea leaves, never got Obama or Trump on there, just kind of started. Am I like the, the, what was the name of, what's that fucking heavy metal group that everybody, was it Anvil? Am I the Anvil of fucking podcasters? Like I started with Metallica, you know, the Rogans and the Marins and all them. And they all fucking shut up. And I just stayed in the garage, you know, where I, hey, hey, where I belonged.

You know, I think Jerry Gassia said it best. when he said, and if you go and no one should follow, that path was meant for your steps alone. You know, dude, I live by that.

I had my mother stitched that on a fucking pillow. Then I spilled a rupeer float on it, but you can still read most of it. You know, I would wash it, but she sewed the cover on it, so, I mean, I can't get this stuff in wet, or also I'll have mold, you know?

Um, which by the way, don't ever buy into that bullshit when you go into a fucking cigar shop and they give you a moldy cigar and they try to tell you that those are flavor crystals. No, that is mold. And it's like, just give me a, give me a fresh one. That doesn't have spores of mold on the side of it. Oh, Billy, no sticks. I'm not going to lie to you. I smoked four last weekend. all right but I only you know did it in two nights I met two different friends back-to-back days and after four cigars I was like lech and I went right back off him I'm right back to Billy's special occasions I'm off the weed what is it I am 29 to when you listen to this dude it'll be 30 days and then tomorrow we'll be 31 if you're not good at math and that'll be officially a month and I think Dude, I could pass a fucking piss test.

That's how he used to say it back east. Oh, dude, he flunked a fucking piss test. Yeah, he got fired. Yeah, now he's doing overnights at UPS, eight bucks an hour. You know, it's good work, but dude, it's fucking backbreaking work, fucking mufflers and shit.

And they make you do it by yourself. Oh, yeah, dude, I did that one summer. I used to go through four fucking t-shirts a night. Absolutely, you know? But, you know, I had a buddy amount. He used to get crank. Remember crank? It was probably just so.

speed, but people just call it crank. You just fucking get it. It was sort of like liquid cocaine. Anyway, I think that's a good place to stop. October baseball. You know, I always act like this is the best time of year for sports. It is and it isn't. It's just fucking overload. And now with college football on Friday nights too, and then you got like the NHL, you got my stomach growling, you got fucking the NBA start next week. And what's it starting with? Huh? They're no. They're no fucking, you know, they're not stupid. They're starting with the Philadelphia 76ers, the real housewives of the NBA.

They got all the fucking Jersey housewives on that fucking show going up against your defending champions. The New York Knickerbockers defending NBA. The New York Knicks are trying to go back to back. How fucking great is that? That's amazing. And we'll see if Brad. Stevens is actually slick here.

Like he knew what he was doing. I trust in Brad Stevens. You know, maybe there's a little more air. Like, I don't see any air on that 76er team. You know, it's going to take, you know, a couple of months for these guys to figure out how to all work together. That's a lot of talent. It's a lot of talent.

I don't know, man. I mean, that, the fucking 76ers, to my fucking no basketball playing ass, white, flat ass look to me like remember when VH1 would do VH1 the divas and then they would go out there and they all low-key didn't like each other and they would fucking be trying to outs you went this high I'm going to go higher you went low I'm going to try to go a little lower I kind of feel like that's what they're building over there um I don't know but if they actually play like a team but I just feel like the only guy that was ever to get able to get that many stars to play like a team was Phil Jackson. There was something about when he whistled with

his pinkies like they would all listen. And I'm so surprised no other coach ever learned how to do. Let me see if I can do that. I can't do it. I used to be able to do that. I can't. Then I realized how gross it was to be sticking your fingers in your mouth without washing them. And then I learned how to do it the right way. The Mexican way. Like I don't think you're officially Mexican unless you're fluent in Spanish and you can whistle without using your fingers. Like, I don't know, I've been in L.A. They can all do it. They can all do it.

That's like, you know, they can speak three languages, like English, Spanish, and whistling. They're fluent in all three. I thought I could fucking do that, man. That piss me off. All right, I'm going to fucking pass out. All right, that's it, everybody. That's the fucking Thursday afternoon

just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Listen to the music at the great end with Emily's, picked out. And also all of this great fucking rock music is coming my way. 25.1 seconds to go. Two to two, baby. Got ourselves a bad burner.

All of this great music being played by all these young bands. People playing guitar, bass players, they're drummers, they're looking at each other. And all of these fucking old people, my age, oh, where's all the good fucking music? Start clicking on it. It'll end up.

your algorithm. These kids can play. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Enjoy the bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'll talk to you on Monday. I'll sincerely miss those heavy metal bands. I used to go see

on the landing in the summer. She fell in love with the drummer. She fell in love with the drummer. She fell in love. Shiny, shiny pants and bleached blonde hair. A double kick in the summer. Hey, what's going on? It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 15th, 2018.

What's going on? How are you? You hear the echo, echo, echo. I am in New York City, everybody. I am here for the next two, three days. I'm doing a bunch of press to promote my show at Madison Square Garden on November 7th of this same year of our Lord and the Chinese chicken. Whatever the fucking Chinese, whatever is it, is it the year of the monkey? That was the year I was born. I was born the year of the monkey, you know? I find that very offensive. I am not a monkey. Yeah, yeah, I'm a dancing monkey.

I was born in the Chinese New Year of the Dancing Monkey. Shanghai shit joke. I'm trying to do alliteration right there. Didn't my work. Anyways, what's good? I mean, could I be having a better sports weekend? I mean, I got to tell you. If I'm Bill Burr, I got to be pretty fucking happy with what I saw last night on the fucking boob tube.

You would think that I would be excited last night that my New England Patriots, that I would be excited that they knocked off the undefeated Kansas City Chiefs. Okay? Now, obviously, I am happy that we won the fucking game. But if somebody's going to sit there and tell me that that's what a football game is going to look like, in the future. I don't even know what the... It was like watching two people

playing Madden football. You know what? It reminded me of the Super Bowl last year where there was just no defense. And you know who likes shit like that? People who aren't fans of the fucking game. I just, you know, Tyreek Hill, everybody. How many fucking times was he going to...

Was he going to catch a fucking ball? It was like... When Tom Brady goes down, leads us down like he always fucking does for the go-ahead score. All right? Tyreek Hill, number 10 in your fucking playbook and your program. A fucking accountant who doesn't watch sports would be like, hey, you know, I don't want to come off like a no at all. I barely watch this game.

But I'm going to say, you might want to cover that number 10 guy. Oh, comes up to line. fucking the guy goes out untouched running across the middle of a fucking NFL defense un fucking touched trua la la catches the fucking ball i don't know i was in a sports bar was it 60 70 80 fucking yards untouched who would have thought that patrick showtime my home was going to go to fucking the he'd been going to who had been killing you the whole fucking game. I understand if the guy beats you.

I understand. I understand. I understand that. But to basically not even cover the guy? I mean, I would expect to see some play like that in Central Park. Watching a couple of Wall Street psychopaths

playing fucking touch football. That was pathetic. It was fucking pathetic. All right. Haven't said that. I love Patrick Mahomes. I'm sold on the guy now, all right? I don't crown somebody king in September of their first fucking year as a starter. But yes, yes, they're fucking amazing, just an amazing beast of a fucking player. Having said that, I don't know what in the, I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Dude, that fucking guy in the Kansas City Chiefs where they're trying to suggest that he had Tom Brady for a sack and he's like, oh, oh, don't hurt the quarterback. And then he fucking. He runs in for a touchdown. It's just like, you know, I understand, I guess, because of the, the concussions and the long-term effects, I guess I have to adjust how I watch the game. And when it comes to quarterback, who's kidding who? All right, those are the hot checks. Okay?

They're not paying a cover. They're not buying a drink. You know? They're going to be sitting there looking at their fucking Instagram, bored out of their fucking minds because they get everything. That's what a quarterback is going to be. All right, depending on what they're doing for the league, because those are the ones that, you know, bring in the money.

But that, you know, I don't know. It's fun to watch all of that offense. But like watching that, watching a guy sack a quarterback and then unsack him because he doesn't want to get in trouble. And then seeing that same guy who runs worse than me score a touchdown, I guess was fun because I was a Patriots fan, but it's a fan of football. I mean, I don't know.

I guess, I remember a long time ago I watched the NFL films, and this is before, you know, they started overly protecting quarterbacks and, you know, leading with your shoulder, which I think is a good thing. Who's good, and who? Right? Not to protect overly protecting the quarterbacks. I don't like that at all. But I remember seeing this old school football guy, a player,

he played in the 1950s or 40s, and they asked him what you thought about today's NFL, and this was like in the 90s. And he just was talking through his teeth. He's like, I wouldn't watch a football game today. You fucking... His head almost exploded. Steam coming out of his ears.

And I was just laughing going like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? And now that I am old enough to have seen the game change as much as it has, I feel like I'm turning into that guy. Hey, Bill, what did you think about your team beating the chiefs last night? I would all you fucking heart. How do you not cover Tyree? kill like i'm fucking dude i was in this sports bar and the whole game it was just people screaming oh my god oh my god oh my god it was like they were watching an eight-year-old try to land a jumbo jet

was the energy in the fucking room you know which i guess is great oh by the way epic fucking sports bar guy i really learned how much people hate the fucking patriots with uh the fucking the hatred this guy had. Dude, he literally got, he got thrown out of the bar like he was fucking Earl Weaver. It was like, I swear to go, it was like watching a baseball manager get ejected. He got thrown out of a sports bar. Not for fighting because how much he was yelling at the fucking TV, like completely lost his composure. I saw so much of me in this guy, but it's like, I do it in private. I do it when I'm driving a car or when I'm at home with my wife,

which is why she fucking, you know, doesn't like me. No, she likes me, but I mean, I'm tough to live with. This fucking guy was like when the, you know, Patriots went up big, right, 24 to whatever. You know, when the chief started coming back, this guy, like, he just fucking lost it. he like the whole night was fucking hilarious because i went in there with a friend of mine and we were we were meeting another buddy of mine and uh i was texting him going hey man we're almost here all right we're you know we're pulling up and he's like cool cool right so i go in there i don't see him so i'm like oh shit that's weird i can't believe i fucking beat this guy here so we grab a table

going yeah you know we got one other guy coming so we grabbed the foretop and we're sitting there And the Patriots scored a touchdown. And I just hear this fucking guy just be like, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. America. Like, just being an idiot. And I'm like, who the fuck is that jackass? I look down. And it's my buddy that I'm supposed to be fucking hanging out with.

So me and my friend, we left, get a shit and we go over there. So we sit down. So that's the first clue that there was going to be this lunacy. So at that point, we'd gone up like 24 to like fucking three or six or something like that. It was like, wow, man, they're mop on the floor with these guys. This is crazy, right? And all of a sudden, the chief start coming back. It's like 2413, 24, 20.

And this fucking guy down the end of the bar, man, and he looked like he was older than me. But at this point at my age, I probably was fucking five, seven years old than this guy, right? But I'm in Hollywood, so I take care of myself. I drink plenty of water. I use lotions. This fucking guy was aging like that fucking. quint in, uh, in Jaws, right? So he's down, you know, when the chief scored this, the first time the chief scores, he's like, yeah, all right, you know. And then when they scored the second time,

he just started yelling like, that's right. That's right. It's 2018. This is the new, this is the new NFL. It's fucking over for you. It is over for you. He was yelling about the Patriots. He was so sick of them winning. And, and dude, I'm telling you. And then the Patriots, of course, come back and match it. And, you know, we got a couple of pass interference calls, and this fucking guy was losing his shit and just getting madder and matter. And it started off where he would yell about the play and then yell about it for three minutes. And then it just was five minutes, seven minutes. And then he was just yelling at the fucking TV. And he had just completely lost all composure. And the Patriots went up by seven again and they looked like they were pulling away. He missed the

end of the fucking game. I just wish he was, like, it was getting, you know, the old me would have engaged with this guy, you know, because I was having a couple of pops, but I was kind of like, you know, older and wiser. You know, when the chiefs went up by three points and he was, when he was screaming, this is the new rule, blah, blah, blah. I did one point, one point yelled down. I went, regular season, because he was starting to annoy me.

And then he just completely. Like I said, he was just yelling. Like, I mean, the only thing was missing was this guy like just if they had a home plate on the barroom floor and he could have just pushed the dirt all over it. I mean, he completely fucking lost it. And was just going, yeah, fuck him, you're a fucking referees in that fucking Pittsburgh game. And he said, fucking bullshit. And everybody in here knows it. He said that.

Everybody in here knows it. And I was just, I was like, yeah, I was just like, is that what I look like? I was fucking, this guy. But he took it to a next, in like the next level, you know what I mean? Well, you thought like, you know, it was like I was fucking Michael Jordan of losing my shit, you know? And then along comes Kobe Bryant. You're like, oh, wow, I thought, well, that's not a good comparison because he wasn't better. I don't know.

Dan Marino, right? And that's not a good comparison because Dan Marino would have thrown for 6,000. I don't know, whatever. You're a fucking Hall of Famer. You put up all these fucking numbers. You're like, no one's ever going to catch this guy. And then all of a sudden, you see yourself get topped. You're like, wow, man, records really are meant to be broken.

Even the ones no one wants to break. So I guess they had been warning the guy. Because it got to the point where it was kind of like he basically turned everybody into the bar into like his kid and he was the dad driving the car and everybody was just sort of being looking around like hush dad's really getting worked up today huh so and he was with this woman and she was just smiling looking down at the bar I mean she couldn't have been with him she would have been mortified I don't know or she's just the biggest saint ever and she just what I like I like a passionate

fella. So anyways, the bouncer comes in and literally just taps him on the shoulders. Like, you have to go. And he put his jacket on. He didn't resist on any level, but he never stopped yelling. And screamed the whole way out of the bar. It was like, it was literally like performance art. And everybody in the bar just had like such like a funny attitude towards it. Like, there was no none of that fucking shit that goes on today where that triggered me and is this a safe space?

It was none of that. People were just laughing just watching like one of the most epic fucking frustrated sports fans I've ever seen. I mean, I actually started I did, I tried to start the slow clap

when he was being escorted out. You know? I, I just felt like the guy, he deserved a round of applause. I have, I don't, I've never seen anybody. Like, you know, back in the day, they came up with something in the 70s. Because people were, uh, were throwing shit at their TVs and they were breaking them while they were watching television. So somebody invented like this thing.

It looked like a brick, but it was soft and you could throw it. But this, you know, eventually that went away because the satisfaction, is the sound of glass shattering, you know, of breaking the thing that's making you up, that either, you know, is not working for you. Speaking as a person with the temper, right? You want the inanimate object to pay. Which is why I remember a long time ago when this actor, I'm not going to say his fucking name, whatever. But he was trying to call his laugh and the fucking phone wasn't working and he called

down to the hotel, the front desk and they couldn't help him make it work. So he ripped it out of the wall and he went downstairs and he threw it. He threw the phone at the fucking guy. You know, the guy got a little cut on his head and shit. But I got to be honest with you, like, as much as he shouldn't have done that, I can't imagine the release. that that must have been. How saddest it. He literally took the thing that wasn't working

and he threw it at the person that couldn't help him make it work. I mean, that is just like, you know, two for two, right? That's like pitching a perfect game in anger. So anyways, hats off to that fucking guy. Hats off to Patrick Mahomes. He's fucking amazing.

Chiefs have a great fucking team, but like, you know, I don't know how anybody thinks either one of those teams is going to win the fucking Super Bowl. You can't, they both let up 40, was it 40 and 43 points? And everybody's, I remember seeing that back in the fucking day. Like, that was how the Dolphins never won

when they had Damarino because they had no fucking defense. It was just like, all right, Dad, you know, we're going to give up 35, 38 points. Do you got 40 in you again today? He had to go out and score fucking. 40 points so he could win by two or three. And those teams never won Super Bowls. And to this fucking day, he gets shit for it.

Like they blamed the one guy who wasn't a problem. They blame the fucking guy that got him to as far as they could fucking go before they would run into a fucking great defense, which would, you know, knock down whatever damn was going to do by seven to ten points. But his shit defense would still give up the fucking 35, 38 points. And then they'd lose. and then every oh, damn, really can't win the big one. You know, fucking Joe Montana couldn't win the big one with those fucking defenses.

I mean, how many times you got to watch sports? Defense wins championships, okay? I don't know what the fuck everybody's so excited about last night's goddamn game, watching two teams giving up 40. I can't wait to, you know, come playoff time. Can playoff, playoff, right? Anyway, so meanwhile, on a TV screen right next to it, was the Red Sox and the Astros.

Now, I was out doing spots, so I missed, like, the first half of the game. By the time I came in, it was 5 to 4. I don't know how Price looked or whatever. I got to go read some shit on it. But I think he left at 5'4. So I believe if Kimberl hadn't let that run in to make it 7 to 5, I used to know how this works. I think he would have got the victory.

So if that is the case, he kind of got screwed out of a win last night. But I got to tell you, the Astros fucking let us up off the mat. Because obviously going up 2-0 was huge, but the thing was they beat sail. And that's what the Yankees had to do. They had to beat sale because then you get the price, and price has not won in October. So you basically got yourself two fucking wins.

And for the Yankees, they got the first two out of three that they needed. And even with the Astros, if you win the first two fucking. And games, the other team has to win four the next five. And you just have to go two and three. See, it's all about the math. So, you know, I did not have high hopes for how we were going to look against the Astros. And how game one went down was how I thought the series was going to go down. But after watching last night, I was like, all right, you know, this is the fucking Sylvester Stallone.

You ain't so bad. He ain't so bad. But they are an incredible fucking team. So we shall see. Hey, who's that bearded guy with the Bob Stanley body that we have in Middle Relief? That guy's been doing all right. When I saw him, I had flashbacks to 1986 with Bob Stanley running out of the bullpen. I mean, that fucking guy, I swear to God, like, he had like a cop body.

like a stereotypical like bad cop i don't mean crooked cop i mean like you know just you know you just every year you just order a bigger uniform you know one of those fucking guys and then just coming running out you know his skinny fucking legs and his flabby fucking i mean how are you like a professional athlete and then you can't take your shirt off at the pool you know It's just fucking unbelievable to me. That's basically the body that guy had. So old muffin top Johnson, whoever the fuck we have coming out in middle relief, that guy, he's just been ACEs.

He's been fucking ACEs. And Kimbrel just, you know, you die a thousand fucking deaths with that guy. It's just like he's going to let in at least one run is what I've just come to expect. And the shit that I say when he, oh, this motherfucker, this fucking hook arm, son of a bow, file. Yeah, of course, of course you walked him, right? I have, the second he gets in the game, I stand up and I just start pacing. And I know that, like, I'm also a lunatic, but hats off to that fucking guy. Like, that guy last night, he's one of those grown men that when his team finally wins it,

like, he's going to fucking cry. Like, he's like, this is the new NFL. Like how much it meant to him for his team to win and how sick he was of the Patriots just fucking getting all the calls and all the shit that you say about all the fucking great teams. I've fucking been there and I was just to watch it. I really learned a lot about myself. It's very rare that you see two exciting games like that and then somebody's behavior is at the same level. I mean, all three of them were aces. but uh

Jesus Christ Is that my home's kid good? My God. I wish that Monday night guy didn't fucking hype him up so much and make me a fucking contrarian like tap into that shit. It's like, can you just let me watch him be great?

And then I can say he's great rather than you spoon feeding what I'm supposed to be there. I hope you realize what you just saw. All right, buddy. Dial it down. It reminds me of like when that woman with the Yankees the Roger Clemens called

Roger Clemens is oh my goodness gracious both of them should be doing wrestling by the way I want to thank everyone that came out in Saginaw Michigan

first of all I landed at the airport and I swung by the old address where my great grandparents lived they had a house and my great grandfather evidently dug the basement by hand. Stubborn German guy, right? And by the way, I don't know how the fuck you do that

without your house falling down into the hole. I would imagine you'd have to start in the middle of the room, work your way out, and then pick one side, you know, and as you started to do it, you have to put something underneath the fucking foundation because I wouldn't feel safe going within two feet of whatever dirt the fucking foundation was sitting on. I don't know how the fuck you do that.

But my buddy was laughing. So we showed up to where the house was supposed to be the address, and there was no house there anymore. It was a lot. In fact, a lot in that area, you know, the houses are obviously. My great-grandparents lived there 100 fucking years ago, so the house is no longer there. It's not like it was knocked down. They put up something new.

It was just like an empty lot. And my buddy was joking being like, well, you know, your grandfather dug a basement here. Maybe that's why the house isn't here. anymore. But I got to tell you, man, that theater that I played in, the sound in that theater was incredible.

Just, it was such a live theater. It was incredible. I was like, wow, man, he could, this is another one. He could tape a fucking special in here. And the crowd was awesome. And, you know, I was teasing him about fucking, you know,

being farmers and all of that dumb shit that I do. And, you know, we were going to try to, we were driving right down to Ann Arbor for the University of Michigan, Wisconsin Badger game the next day. And we meet some buddies in a bar and all of that shit. By the way, yeah, sober October is just out the window for me. It's not happening. All right. I'm having a bad year. Next year, next year, I'll win the title. So anyways, I was saying in my head, all right, I usually do like, upwards of 90 minutes. I'm probably going to do like an hour and 15,

jump in the car and we'll get the fuck out of here, blah, blah, blah, and all that shit. And I had such a good time. I ended up doing like an hour 30, an hour 35. Ended up going out doing like the meet and greet thing. But it still all worked out because we found this bar that was open until 2 in the morning. And me and my buddies, you know, Verzi, Bartnick, and our two other buddies that we go to the games with every year. We were having such a good fucking time, just laughing.

It's like the most laughs I've had on a weekend. Just laughing our fucking asses off. Just breaking each other's balls. And we were just having such a good time. And we were so excited about the game the next day. You know, like all the people that work there, they just start liking you. Then they were coming over. And, you know, next thing, you know, the bar is closed.

They're like, all right, well, let's just go downstairs because it was a downstairs area so we don't get in trouble. And then we stayed down there to like fucking four in the morning. So thank God it was a 7.30 game. So the next day, we fucking wake up and we go out to go with some meat before we head over to the tailgate. When I meet you meeting a bunch of other friends, you know, some of my relatives and all that shit to tailgate before we go into the fucking big house, right? This is my weekend. Ridiculous, right?

So we go out to this place to get something to eat, man. And I'll tell you, like, when I tell you, everything was just okay. It was all almost, like that almost tasted good. You know, how long it took for the food to get out. They didn't clear off any of the fucking plates. It was so fucking funny. Like, it was just one of the worst run places I've been to in a long time. And, like, I remember at one point we, um,

I just saw this random, you know, person who worked there go by. And I just say, hey, excuse me. Can we get our, can we get our check? She's like, you're going to have to ask your server, and I don't know who that is. And I'm looking at her like, well, go fucking find out. And then, you know, of course she doesn't. And I finally see our server and I do that. And then she comes up and she goes, excuse me, the people over there are trying to say that you're somebody.

Are you somebody? Are you? Are you Bill Mar? Is what she said, which was so fucking perfect. Because the food, all the food was almost good. And then she almost recognized me and almost got my name right. So we were fucking crying, laughing about how they just kept almost. And then she goes, what is your name? And I go, Michael. And she goes, Michael who?

And I go, Strayhan. And then afterwards I go, no, no, no, I am. I go, I'm actually Bill Barr. Bill Maher does, and she goes, all right, she goes, so who was the guy you said you were? I said Michael Straining. He goes, I used to play for the New York Giants. Now he does one of those morning talk shows. And she goes, oh, what?

So like you think that, you know, because I work in a sports bar that you just got to say like a sports person's name, that's kind of stereotypical, isn't it? And I looked at her like, is I got, am I getting like me-toed right now? Like what the fuck kind of energy is that? You know? That part was like fucking annoying to me. Like, like how fucking fully yourself are you? You know, do you think that's all I am as a person? It's like, I don't even fucking know you.

The only reason why I said Strayhams, because I didn't think there'd be a follow-up question to Michael. That was the first name I thought of. Anyway, so I did stand up last night at Gotham Comedy Club, and I was having a great time until I started making fun of women. And then everybody just fucking pulls back. It's one of my issues with fucking doing stand-up in New York City now is everybody is so air quote woke. It's like doing stand-up at a fucking woman's college.

I feel like I'm performing in front of old people on a cruise ship. And you look at them and they're like half my age. And they're borderline fanning themselves. And you're just looking at them like, guys, I'm 50. You should be shocking me. I'm telling you, this fucking generation, it's not millennials. It's a generation that, you know, what is it, Z, whatever the fuck they call these fucking people. the level of midlife crisis that these people are going to have

it's just going to be off the fucking it's going to be off the fucking rails so anyways um after crying laughing the night before we were in this place the uh we were calling it the almost something or other just crying laughing it's just how poorly run the fucking thing was right um then we're out in the parking lot we're trying to decide all right are we going to Uber over there, you know, because Uber's just taken forever to call or whatever. And so we

finally decided we're going to Uber. And we just started singing this Bruce Springsteen song, just trashing each other. You know, in my whole time, we just kept doing that. It was making fun of Bartner because he was driving. Joe can't see

shit. He's like far-sighted. So he could see the fucking big house from Saginaw, but he couldn't see the car fucking two feet in front of him. And we're driving in raining out. And Verz he's in the back seat, like a quiver in his voice the entire fucking time. And I've resigned myself to the fact that we're going to die. And Paul was mad at me that I didn't get as upset as he was. It's just like, dude, we're doing 80 miles an hour with the guy who can't

see in the rain. So what am I, Jack Ryan? Am I going to fucking reach over and grab the wheel? It's like, we're either going to live or die. You know, we're not walking away with severe injuries. This is going to be a fireball death. So we just was singing, I can't remember. It was Joe Bartnick, he can't see shit changing lanes in the rain. I can't even do it anymore. I fucking shredded my voice doing it. Just trashing each other. And it just went all around.

Pulverzzi. And the whole fucking thing. And then they sang one about me. And we're just drinking in this parking lot, laughing. like the whole weekend. It just was one nonstop fucking laugh. Then we get to the tailgate. My buddies are on this golf course, and I have the Uber drop us off

on the other side of the golf course. We had to walk like 10 fairways. And, you know, the ball breaking started by the second hole. And I'm like, I think it's over the next till. Yeah, Bill, it's over the next till. Like, where the fucking, you know? I don't know. I believe there was a Magellan reference.

I can't even remember. We're just fucking laughing, right? And we finally end up finding the tailgate. We're throwing the football around. We're playing that beanbag toss game or whatever that one of the guys there, he made his own. He built it from hand. And then he had in the hole, he had it lit.

He had it like lights around the hole on the inside. It was just like to a whole other level. And it got really fucking competitive. and Versey and this dude Al that we go with, they would like the two best. I'm like, you guys are the dream team. You got to take down the dentist because this kid who was a dentist

was the guy who fucking built the thing himself. Cornhole, I believe, is what the fucking games called. And it got to the point. Everyone was just so fucking into it, right? And I sucked at it. Like, I just kept going for the hole. I never got one to just, I didn't, you got to have like that Robert Parrish foul shot

arc to your shit. So anyways, we're standing and they were playing, and all of a sudden this fucking guy, you know, people kept walking between us throwing it. You know, we were taking our time letting people pass. And one guy, I swear to God, looked like the dude from fucking radio head. He just comes walking up, and he's fucking hammered real slowly.

And then I tried to grab one of the bags out of my buddy's hands. And, you know, he's sort of a Midwest guy. So, you know, those guys, they got like a long fuse Midwest people. But, you know, when they snap, forget about it. Because they, like, had to pick up tractors. when they were kids so they fucking squeeze you to death. So he kind of chills out and I got the East Coast short fuse. So I just didn't like it because he wasn't say anything and he was just staring that kid down.

So I just looked at him. As a 50-year-old man at a tailgate, I looked at him and I said, the fuck is your problem. Like I'm going to roll around on the grass with this guy with my fucked up shoulder, my 50-year-old body, right? Not even thinking. Oh, I've been P90X and have you, Bill? You're half a century old. Keep your fucking mouth.

shut and drink your rolling rock but i didn't so what the fuck is your problem so he's walking away and he's staring at me and i'm fucking staring at him and i'm like going uh i'm about ready to get into a fight why uh i got a kid like what am i doing but like i'm not gonna fucking look away from this fucking guy because as much as i'm thinking that i fucking hate this kid right so he's staring at me he's staring at me. And then all of a sudden, and he won't stop staring as he's kind of walking away. And he's just as he's getting into a distance of like,

all right, I think he's just going to bluff his way out of this. He fucking walks into an empty chair of somebody else's tailgate. And when I tell you, it took like nine seconds for this guy to slowly, it was like somebody chopped down a redwood, how long it took for him to fall. And all the tailgates,

because they were kind of watching it, the whole thing transpired. fire, like three tailgates as this guy falls. Everyone was like, oh, he hit the ground. And everybody's dying laughing. And then he stands up, but he's still staring at me. Like, you ever see a drunk guy fall down, but he doesn't spill any part of his beverage?

That's what he was doing, but with like a stare down. He had a cigarette is what he had. And he fucking hits the ground. And he's still staring at me, that radio head with one fucking eye more open. than the other one. And then he puts a cigarette in his mouth. And as he's getting up, he's still staring at me. And he grabs the chair.

And for half a second, I'm like, this fucking lunatic is going to throw this chair at me. And he just stood the fucking thing up. And then looked at everybody and did a giant wave like it was the end of the performance. And I want to say he got an applause break and he walked away. So now we're all, once again, crying, laughing. Fucking crying laughing. just having the best time ever. Then we end up, we end up going into the game.

You know, I'm a couple of heaters in here. So this is when it becomes like the slideshow, right? We're at the tailgate. Chong chink. Now we're getting checked by security. So we're fucking going into the big house. And I'm telling my buddies, I'm like, dude, it's not going to look like anything as you're walking up to it. Like two thirds of it.

They dug it into the ground. It's when you go in there, you see the fucking magnitude of this fucking place. It's going to be unreal. So we walked in. there and one of my buddies, I don't know how he did it, but, you know, there's no booze in there. He snuck an entire fifth of Crown Royal. I mean, like the one Keith Richards would take a swig out of. He sit down and he just pulls it out. And the people behind us laughed. It was so fucking ridiculous that he got it in.

They were just laughing. Jesus Christ, they started laughing. And we just shared it with everyone around us. So then we were sort of like surrounding. It was like when you play chess and you build a castle, we did that with drunk people around us. And it was fucking cold out.

And we just kept everybody warm. And then, oh, then the fucking pregame thing started. I'm trying to find the video. They have James Earl Jones do it. And they're like, we are the Michigan Wolverines. We've won more games than any other college football team, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then at one point he goes, we bow to no one.

And we were just laughing like, dude, I'm ready to run through a fucking wall. And then the Wolverines kind of running out. We were sitting right on the 50-yard line like 12 rows up. We weren't too low that, you know, you lose like depth of perception, you know. We would sit in perfectly, and they all just come fucking running out. One whole side of 100,000 people is screaming, go! And then the other side would go, boo! It was fucking just got chills.

And then the game started, and fucking Michigan had their way with them. Thank God, because I did not want to see them lose, you know. And that would have ruined the experience. I always root for the fucking home team, you know, unless LSU's playing. And the game was great. I mean, it sucked if you were Badger fans because they kind of just had their way with them. But it was such a fucking, like, an amazing experience. And the amount of laughs that we had, I really think, like, we were all sitting there talking going.

I think that was the best one. I'm calling it right now. We're going to have a hangover one next year. We're like, last year when we went, we went to LSU Florida Gators. And it was just so, uh, fucking, um, hot out that it was, it was almost impossible to enjoy yourself. It was, it was, it was fucking ridiculous. So I think next year we're going to try to go to Clemson. Um, I think we're going to try to go to Clemson or something like that.

And, uh, we're going to try to knock out all those ones that are in like hurricane, you know, part of the world. Just so, uh, you know, with global warming and all of that shit. We want to try to knock those out before those stadiums are underwater. So it's so sad, but you can't do anything but laugh about it, right? Oh, I got to text this person back. I'll be there. 15. There we go.

There we go. All right. Plowing at list. Let me do a couple of reads here. Let me do. Joe Bartnick. Okay, here we go. All right, let's get into some of the questions here for the week.

Oh, here's some upcoming dates. Baltimore, Maryland, October 18th, this Thursday. I'll be at the Modell, Model, Lyric. Early show is sold out, late show tickets still available. Atlantic City, New Jersey, Borgata Resort, October 19th, two shows. Phoenix, Arizona, October 26th, America, Theater, evening show says sold out. Stand up live.

Oh, I'm doing a live podcast. Once again, the only time I've ever done it before was the same place. Stand up live. Monday morning podcast taping. There's still a few tickets still available. New York City, Madison Square Garden. I'll be there November 7th. And Chicago, November 8th through 10th, I'll be.

Tickets still available for the late show on the eighth. Oh my God, the late show? That means I'm doing two shows? Jesus Christ, Chicago, oh, you guys always supporting me, man. I really appreciate that. All right, let's get into some of the questions here for the week. All right, sociopath Island. Yo, Billy, one punch.

Check out Psycho Pass. It's an anime show about the same idea you had last week, throwing all the psychos on an island. Hey, you know what, man? I actually just watched the, I watched the clip of that. I think I'm going to get into that show. As far as I can tell, because there's no talking or anything, there's no dialogue in it.

It looks like there's a group of people who aren't sociopaths. And for some reason, they have to go to Psycho Island and fucking maybe rescue somebody. I don't know, but it's definitely interesting. And as always, I came up with a great idea that not only did somebody else already have, they've already developed it. That happens to me all the time. and the worst case of it was the time when I wanted to do a parody of a drum instructional video and someone's like somebody already did that I was like you got to be fucking kidding me Fred Armerson all right dude you called it DNA uh yo bill listening to the throwback last week

and you mentioned how even if you don't bank online your shit is online anyways that was 2010 now you're coming down on ancestry DNA test and I think history is going to repeat itself This article basically says that even if you don't send your DNA into the internet, they will be able to deduce all of your DNA info anyways. Yeah, they need like 6 million people. They're halfway there. All felons, you know, have to give up their fucking DNA. And then all these fucking mouth-breathing fucking morons who just trust people are sending in their fucking saliva to the fucking internet.

It's so stupid. The article says once the registry reaches 3 million. Oh, I was wrong. They'll be able to identify the people who haven't sent in their DNA. Currently, they're at the one million mark. Dude, you called it. Yeah. And it's like, what are they going to do with it?

Like, the fact that you're going to sit there and you're going to depend on all of these fucking people to do the right thing. I mean, look what's going. Like, everybody knows what the fuck is going on in the world right now. But you can't really talk about it because they got the game so sewed up that you're viewed as like a sociopath or fucking un-American. If you even remotely criticize what the fucking people who are making tons of money off of other people's misery are. And they're just going to have you. It's going to be game set fucking match. And I'm not even going to read that article because it's going to be so fucking depressing because people are just, they're just going to keep doing it.

Yeah, it's just going to be like, I think it all ties into how people that are in control, if they're doing wrong things, it makes you paranoid and you cannot have enough information on people. And then also, there's no fucking way that these people, when they go to those Bilderberg fucking meetings, there is no fucking way that they are not having hardcore,

you know, I need to go to the hotel bar after this and fucking drink this meeting off, talks about the population problem and climate change. There's no fucking way that they're not talking about that shit and how the fuck they're going to handle it and how they're going to survive and who else they're going to determine is going to survive and that God has put us in power we have to make these tough decisions which I mean I like I have a solution on how you could fucking solve those

problems but you know I don't know so I think they're trying to get as much information so they know you know I think once they get everybody microchipped then that's when they're going to start fucking thin in the herd and they need to do it quickly. quick. And this right here, this train of thought is why I don't watch the fucking news, because that's everything that's going on and everything that they're showing. That's what, I can't even watch the Weather Channel anymore. I'm just like, dude, this is like, this is a fucking done deal here. This is over. Anyways, buying a car. Hey, let's get back to some fucking bread and circus here. Buying a car. Dear Billy Bald Boy, uh, hey, Bill, first, I just

first, uh, just wanted to say thank you for your show you put on in Springfield. It was fantastic and definitely would love to see you come back sometime. I had a great time too. Thank you. I always listen to the podcast on my bus ride to school. Anyways, I am a sophomore in high school and I just received my permit. Ah, good for you, man. That's a big day. I have a job and I'm saving up for a car. I was wondering what your first car ever was and what kind of car would be good for a first timer like me and what should I look for when buying a car that would be beneficial. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I had a 1983 Ford Rainer four-cylinder, five-speed overdrive, black vinyl seats, fire engine red, the long bed.

There was two-wheel drive, nothing cool about it. But it only had 19,000 miles on when I bought it, so it was definitely reliable. I paid five grand for it. I went out and got a loan and with the job. So, you know, I got a loan. I established credit and that type of shit. I still remember my, it was Denver's savings bank. bank one Conan Street, Danvers Mass, something, something, something.

And my payment was $138.63. I still fucking remember that. So if I was you, you're obviously going to buy a used car. I mean, I always loved the Hondas and the Toyotas back in the day because those engines would just last forever. I don't know what they're doing now. But I remember I got some acting work and I made some money, but I've always been a frugal son of a bitch. So rather than buying a new car in like the late 90s, I bought a 1988 Honda Accord LX five speed,

four to a five speed. And I fucking loved that car. It had 100,000 miles on it when I drove it. And that fucking thing could cruise at 100 miles an hour still. No fucking problem. It was such a well-built car. So if I was going to go used, you know, you got to be careful with whatever the flashy cars are.

Like when I was a kid, everybody would try to go out and buy the Burt Reynolds fucking Trans-in with the screaming chicken or the flaming eagle, whatever the fuck they called it on the hood. And you just had to know that those cars were, they were driven like a sports car, fucking burnouts and neutral drops and all the shit that people used to do, trying to do the Jim Rockford backing it up and whipping the fucking front end around. So I don't know. And I also liked having a four-door car because I used to like heading out. with my friends, everybody could pile in. And, you know, all depends on what you're looking for. But I would definitely, I would get something that is, is, that has the reputation of lasting rather than, I don't know. I mean, you do want something kind of cool.

Try, if you can blend both those worlds, something kind of cool looking, but also it's going to last, I would get something like that. And, you know, if you have to take out a little bit of a loan, you know, you're already, got a job. That's fucking cool. You establish credit. You pay the fucker off. And then, you know, then you're into that world, right? Learn about money and all in that shit. All right, Halloween costumes. Oh, I got to wrap this up quick here because I've got to get run here. Dear Billy, dear Dr. Billy Stein, I have a two-year-old daughter. Oh, congratulations. as well, and I'm starting to remember all this fun stuff we do this autumn season. Jump in piles of leave, watch Halloween movies, and try to scare the shit out of ourselves by running through the woods at night.

I don't think I've ever heard you recall any favorite Halloween costumes or Halloween memories. Do you and Nia have any plans to dress up your daughter? Also, if you had a professional costume and makeup team, what would you go for as Halloween at this point in your life? P.S. nothing goes better with a cigar than apple cider. Nothing. Really? Really? Well, it just so happens. I know somebody who makes apple cider. Who also happens to be one of my favorite drummers of all time, Tim Alexander from Primus. He has his own cider. What the fuck is it called again? He just fucking asked me if I wanted some too. And I told him I can't, I'm fucking in sober October, which I was and now I'm not. Let's see. Tim Alexander

Cider The shit is if you're into fucking cider man. Okay, herb cider.com What do we got here? Here we go. Yeah, it's called Herb Cider. It's hard. Herb Cider is a craft cider

produced by world renowned drummer Tim Herb Alexander and his wife. Shama created their first batch of cider in their garage in the fall of 2016. Yeah, dude, he gave me some of that stuff. It's fucking delicious. And then I brought me, he gave me like a whole case of it. So I brought it down to the comics store and I gave it out to some bunch of comics.

And everybody was just like kind of fucking went nuts for it. So anyways, let's get back to the Halloween stuff. Um, um, mum, mum, um, um, um, uh, okay, what are you asking me? Uh, do I have any plans to dress up? Yeah, I mean, I usually dress up like John Bonham or a fucking, And, you know, maybe I was going to go as Vinnie Paul this year, you know, just as he passed away this year or something like that. And as far as our daughter, my wife was talking, she was going to dress her up like Bruno Mars because our daughter has like curly hair. She's so fucking cute.

It's ridiculous. But at the last second, she went to the costume place and she got us all like matching like skeleton costumes, which I thought was a little hacky going out of just. when she told me the idea, but then I saw them, they're really fucking cool, and it's going to look cute, you know. We're having a, Nia does the kid Halloween party every year, so we have a bunch of kids come over. So I guess I couldn't dress up like something too scary. And I guess if I dressed up like John Bonham or Vinny Paul, they wouldn't know who it was, and it probably just looked like a scary fucking guy. So anyways, did I answer your question?

I don't even fucking know. I was thinking about smoking a scar, drinking some fucking apple cider, though, are underrated. Going to things by yourself. No girls, no friends, no family, no problem. Hey, they're Billy freckle glutes. My whole life, I had this dilemma regarding going to events or social gatherings alone. I've even had friends say that I, if you eat alone at a restaurant or McDonald's or something, that's social suicide. Well, no one ever told me that.

I love going to shit by myself. this can be really debilitating, especially if your work schedule sucks. You live in a town or a million other reasons. But I finally figured it out. Who cares? Half the time that you do have a group to go to something with, people flake, want to change plans, times, et cetera. If there's an event you really want to go to, you have to think about yourself and just go, even if you are by yourself.

And I write this as I'm a little nervous. wanting to go to see a comedy show tonight that I have to drive a bit to that's out of the way and go there alone. Well, I'll be honest with you. I just don't sit up front if you go to a comedy show alone. But other than that, there's no problem with it. And then, you know, usually meet people, you know. I used to go to shit by myself all the time. Baseball games, football games, all of that shit.

Except I wouldn't talk to anybody because I was a fucking lunatic. Anyways, I say this constantly having to deal with the issue. including your tours, some very good friends dropped out of going to your show. While I don't blame them, I just feel like for me, it puts you in this spot of, oh, now I just can't go. And your instinct is that you getting that experience is impossible. What? And your instinct is that you getting that experience is impossible. Well, fuck that.

You might as well go because if you think of it in that way, you will miss out on a thousand Bill Burr's specials. sporting events, holidays, and before you know it, you're at the end of your road and have all these piled up regrets. Forget about the stigma of solo attending things. Live your life and have fun. Did you guys hear my stomach growling there? Try not to eat like a fucking asshole here. And that's all you have to say. That's all I have to say about that. Can't wait for you to see you at the garden. You ranty bastard, go fuck yourself. Thanks for the laugh. Inspiration. And one more time, go fuck yourself. Yeah, dude. If you want to go, go.

Just because someone else can't go, I mean, what are they, what are they, the fucking dictator of what you go to? Absolutely go to you by yourself. And then chat up a couple of ladies. Who are you here with? Ah, I came by myself. It's actually like a fucking strong move. All my friends slaked and I was like, fuck it, I'm going to go. I'm showing me somebody nice.

Look, I ran into you. And then you're in. Right? Going to find my baby, going to hold it tight, going to have an afternoon. delight. I came to the shit all by myself and now I'm talking to you. Would you like to see my dick? Hey, I was just fucking around. Please don't meet to me. Hey, sorry. Um, anyways, would you like to see my dick? I ask fucking permission why are you flipping out? Please don't put that on Twitter. Uh, sorry, I'm losing my fucking mind. You know what I realized, too? I'm in my

fucking apartment here and people are going to be hearing me down the hall. Singing about me too stuff and I don't want to trigger anybody. All right? That shit. All right. Go Red Sox. Go Patriots. Patrick Mahomes is the real deal. I miss defense in the NFL.

That's all I have to say. Go fuck yourself. And I'll check in on you on Thursday. Unlock my body and move myself to dance. Lick with classical music Blasting Massa ringing and my sincerely