Monday Morning Podcast - Comedian Carol Leifer 'How To Write A Funny Speech' | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-21-25

Episode Date: August 21, 2025

Bill rambles with comedian and writer Carol Leifer about her new book 'How To Write A Funny Speech', Seinfeld, and cruise line shows. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(59:11) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 8-21-25 Bill rambles about gambling on baseball, Adam and Eve, and snooping. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Greyboy - Ruffneck Jazz

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All right, hey, what's going on, everybody? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday. morning podcast. And as I always say, if it's being videotaped, that means I have a very special guest because I don't have a bunch of guests on the podcast, especially this year. And this guest that I have today I've known about since before I did stand-up comedy, one of the OGs of the New York comedy scene, the one and only Carol Leifer, who has a new book out, which is right in my wheelhouse. Because this is what I do when I do. When I look at a book, the first thing as I do is I go to the back page and I go,

how many pages is this and how big is the printing? Oh, the printing is a little small. I'm not going to lie to you. How many pages? 128. Yes. You can read 130. You can read this and say I read a book.

Right. It's called How to Write a Funny Speech, Parentheses for a wedding, bar mitzvah, graduation, and every other event you didn't want to go to in the first place. Yes. I cannot tell you. I cannot tell you how much I needed this book earlier this year. Really? Because I have avoided these things.

You see, my whole life. I get afraid of these things because. I'm so surprised. Well, I do stand-up. I know, but stand-up. What's with your shirt? Hey, fuck you.

Like, I can do that. But to go up and say something nice. Yeah. Because I'm a dick all the time, I've held back all these nice, loving feelings. And then if they, if I feel like if I start to let them out. I'm going to go dick for a meal like dick for meal

one of my favorite NFL coaches could not give a post game speech without breaking down crying so I get so nervous that that's going to happen so finally what happened was I got asked to do a gig that I could not turn down so a friend of mine was getting this award

and couldn't turn it down money wise or no no not money why it was like it was for Conan Okay. Conan has been such in my corner, my whole career. He's the first guy that let me do panel, him and Andy. Like, if Conan and Andy ever need anything, like, I have to be there, or I am the biggest piece of shit that ever, because that's how amazing that they've been for me. So he was getting this award, the Mark Twain thing. And I was like, you know, Conan doesn't know, blah, blah, blah, but you know, he knows. You know, he's. knows. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So if I say no to that, you know. Yeah, he's going to know. Yeah, and it's just like that that, that was a night. Yes. That was an event and this was a person that meant so much to me

and it was such a big award. I had to be there for him. Absolutely. You just had to. So, so I said yes and I swear it was hanging over me for a month. Of what are you? you're going to say. And I would start to write stuff and I would literally get emotional when I wrote it going like, I'm going to fall apart on this and I'm going to look like an asshole. I can't do this. So I needed this book. I don't know what. Well, what sparked it was okay. Rick Mitchell, the other guy I wrote it with, we've been to too many events where people get up, they make a speech, and they shit the bed. Yes. And it's not only, But not in an entertaining way.

No, no. And it puts a damper on the rest of the event. Yes. So that, and we felt like it's not that hard to give a good speech, to give a funny speech. So we walk people through it. And it's important now because when you used to give a bad speech, and, you know, maybe it was a funny, funny story at Thanksgiving. Now somebody's recording it.

Yeah. It's up on the web. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So that's. to be like, you know, okay, I'll shake that off in a week. Like, I feel bad for kids. Like, you used to just get hit in the nuts and that

was it. Right. And now it's just like it's on the internet forever. Haunting you. Yes. So we did it as a public service, Bill. Both for the speaker and for the listener. Yeah, because I went to an event where

the father or the bride got up there and he started listing her scholastic achievements. Well, she went to NYU undergrad, then did her master. And it was such a nightmare that people at the valet Parker were talking about it as they were leaving, how bad his speech was. So you don't want this to happen.

And you know, he loved his daughter to death. Yes. So he probably didn't know what to say, oh my God, I've been to so many weddings. I went to one where the groom was. had to you know decide just he got pressured into giving a toast yeah and he just wasn't ready for it and it was so awful they're still married

but it just seemed like this marriage isn't going to last because he was like uh she uh and we were like makes you laugh makes me laugh thank you light of your life light of my life um i went to one where the person was supposed to do it was a set amount of time because it's a wedding yeah so like

this person speaks this person speaks and this person speaks and then the first course comes out and this person got into like a flop sweat thing and went way over their time to the point people were just staring down at the table and it put like the food behind and all of that so can you for because what I love about this is is you know my generation you know if I hadn't started so late with kids like if you're like 57 like me yeah your you know oldest to second oldest are probably just getting married now. Uh-huh.

And two things. Like, what's, what are some of the key points to giving these speeches and how if you're actually hiding behind being a dick, but you're actually a big-hearted person that's going to fall apart, how do you maintain your composure so you can say the nice things that you want to say, but not make anybody feel like they're watching somebody whose dog just died? Because that's the problem I have. Yeah.

All right. Here to help you. Okay. So the number one rule that you already mentioned is not going on too long. Literally five minutes and under because people get up there, you know. Five minutes and under. Yes. Even if it's your own daughter.

Even if it's your own daughter. Can't do six minutes. Okay. This is a late night set. Exactly. Okay. Right. Don't you usually get everything you want to say in a late night set in five minutes?

Sure you do. Okay. I'm just relieved when it's over. Right. Yeah, that's all late night was. It went well. I got the thumbs up. Yeah, but when a regular person gets up there, you got to keep it tight.

You know, you don't want to sit there. Your phone's already updated twice. Yeah. Let's get on with it. Let's get on with it. Leave them wanting more. Yes. And that's also a stand-up rule.

Leave them wanting more. Another thing that people do that I think is so bizarre. Have you seen people get up, they start talking about the person, you have no idea who they are to the person they're celebrating. They just start talking and you're trying to figure out, is this his brother, is this his brother? You know, it becomes like an episode of dateline. Like, who is this? Right. So you have to say who you are to the person. Now, regarding heartfelt and funny. See, I'm very surprised because most stand-ups love giving speeches. I'm very surprised to hear that. You don't. But was it because you felt you were going to have so much emotion that you were going to break down the coming thing? No, you know what I always do? Yeah. I catastrophize. So the second I get out

of my comfort zone, a comedy club, if there's any sort of public speaking, I have it in my head that everything's going to go wrong, everybody's going to hate me, my career's going to end, and I have to move back in with my parents. Like, that's how far I go. So, but what I've found in life is like I think it's a mountain and it's literally like stepping up onto a curb yeah so this year I've done three of those oh okay I did I did the Conan one yeah how did that go by the way it went great well so what I learned was that what I had to do was say two three nice things and then make a joke there you go two three nice things make a joke and then I could um or if I'm going to say something nice,

sort of give him a dig as I go. So that's how I got through the Conan thing. But I will say, had I known that John Mullaney was going on first? Yeah. Because he's the best. Like that guy is just like ridiculous, right?

Yeah. So if I knew he was going on first, I would have been like, you don't need me. I'm not going to like I was sitting I think I was sitting next to Sarah Silverman at that thing and like John Mullaney goes up and I'm looking like we gotta follow this this is fucking ridiculous and then Will Farrell and Tracy Morgan I'm like this is one after another yeah yeah right that's another thing too is there is there is there anything in there about feeling like an imposter like you don't you shouldn't be there well it's not you know the events that you go to or speak at it's a million comedians it is good to know who who you're following because it's like any comedy club lineup. You don't want to follow somebody that strong. But your regular person, you know, the thing that we also say in the book and try to convey to people is the bar is set very low for a person.

When people get, oh, I don't know what to do. I'm nervous. You're supposed to be nervous. We go out as stand-ups, we have butterflies. You know, it's good. It gives you energy. But people are rooting for you. And I think once people know that about giving a speech, it really can calm the nerves.

Self-deprecating is always like, I feel like that is like, all right, so this person, it gives them something to root for. Like if you go up there and you're like, all right, I'm amazing, then there's no way, you have to be amazing. Right. And then if you're not quite amazing, then people are like, yeah, they give you that energy. But you're up there going like, all right, you know, I'm a carpenter. I don't usually do this. ha, ha, ha, you know, my son. And then if you, I also think that in those things, keeping it tight,

like if you really want to get compliments. Yeah. At the end, one of the best things about a speech is it being concise. Yes. Get up there. And all comedians have been guilty of staying too long and then trying to find that, that next, a laugh big enough to get off on. And it's just like, oh.

Not necessary. No. And then you're also digging the whole deeper for the next comedian who's got to come up there with this. Right. Yeah, this worn out. I also think what's funny about this is as much as it's a generous thing for you to do, it's also coming from a place of like if I have to sit and watch another person with no clue. Right.

One more. And a microphone. Oh. For a half. All right. So wait a minute. Okay. What happened the last time where you finally were like, all right, after all right, after all

my years in comedy, I need to help these people. Yeah, we just couldn't take it anymore. What happened? Was it a series of speeches in a row in a short period of time? It was a series. It was a frat brother who got up there and, you know, had a drink, then had like six more. And how horrible is it when you go up there, you have to watch somebody who's hammered giving a speech and they think it's great and you're sitting there like, oh, my God, this is so embarrassing. Right. I can't take this. Or sometimes people, we did an experiment.

Like, I helped a friend of mine with her speech because I really couldn't take it. And she. This is very Larry David. Like, these people are like, you're just like freaking out about how bad they were. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. This is something.

I don't know. Well, you know, I wrote on curb, so it's very in my wheelhouse. Oh, there you go. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just picture him going, wrap it up. And that being an episode, right? Everyone was thinking it. Why can't I say it?

Did you really tell Jeffrey to wrap it up when you were sitting in the audience? Some people use AI. This is the worst idea ever because we took, I sat down with my friend, we were going over parts of her speech to talk about her daughter. And then we gave it to AI. And it was like, even from the beginning, Bill, her opening was, Good Evening Distinguished Guests. I mean, what is this, a Rotary Club meeting? Do you know what's fucked up is how many people, regular people right now,

are going on TV and on social meeting and everything and just talking about how amazing AI is? I literally think that it is a, I feel like AI is the end of the human race. Absolutely. And it's going to be the billionaires, and then they're going to have these robot slaves that they've always wanted. Do whatever they want them to do. They can have sex with them. They can yell at them, and they'll always show up and still put the widgets in the knick-knack, whatever they need to do.

And they're going to get rid of us. So what they have to do is have regular people just saying, oh, my God, my life is so much easier now that I don't have to think. And, you know, it all goes back to, you know, when they finally get rid of the civics class, You know, that basically describe your rights as a citizen. Right. So nobody understands what their rights are. And do I have to, you know, give into this search and whatever? I feel like all of that stuff is, there is a war out there for your brain.

Absolutely. And they want your brain flatlined, not thinking. So the day they need you to walk into whatever oven they just turned on, you're going to go, okay, you know. And they want your comedy brain. Yeah. For sure. Well, I don't know what it is that they want. but like I just saw a thing the other day

that said being on Instagram and watching these short-term videos I don't know if it's true I mean it was just something that it was on Instagram so that was weird but it said it was five times worse than drinking I don't know

is that true I don't understand about the internet is if we're all on the internet can the rules of libel and slander can those apply yeah is there a reason why you can just make up shit about people and it's the internet yeah it doesn't matter but if you say it on 60 minutes yes the orange

guy gets 16 million dollars but he can tweet whatever he wants yeah about anybody yeah and i mean when was the last time somebody sued somebody because of an instagram real right yeah it's never happened yeah yeah it's weird so so this is a book so this has to be real or is this in the is this in the uh we're doing yeah the audio is this in the audio yeah but we you know We purposely made it short and sweet so people could pick it up and help with their speeches. We even have, Bill, if you're really lazy and you don't, it's like, you don't want to sit down to do it. We have little templates where fill in the blanks and you can get a speech just by filling in our blanks. Do you realize the service that you're doing right now for everyone who has to sit there?

I had a friend of mine. Coming from you, that means a lot. No, I had a friend of mine graduated from law school and the graduation it just went sailing by. Really? And I was like, I was about ready to say

this is the greatest graduation I've ever been to. And then the dean of the school in the end decided to do, I swear to God, it was like a 90-minute speech. Dude, I remember at one point, I looked over at my friend and he was like this. He was like, he was just sitting there. You can't take it.

You can't take it. And talk about not reading the room. Right. People were shifting after 12 minutes and this person did, maybe it wasn't 90, maybe it was an hour, it was over an hour. Yeah. But 12 minutes in, they're just like, it was. Horrific.

And those robes they're sitting in are hot. And the caps are hot. It's not thinking about other people. When you do a bad speech or you go long like that, it's horrible. Have you ever been asked to do a college commencement speech? Yes, I was. I did do it. How much time did you do?

I think I did 12 minutes. 12 minutes because, Bill, what have we been saying? You can get a lot in a short amount of time. And the last thing I wanted. Now, what was their reaction to it? It was great. There was. Really great.

I mean, like, I got a letter after that was like, we hope the speaker next year, you set the bar so high. So I was very happy. Light, funny, quick little deep. With mix, mixture of, you want to give them something, you know, they ask you to do a commencement speech. They're not asking to do a set.

You want to share some wisdom, hopefully, that I've had after this many years of college. But also, you've got to make it funny. Right. I mean, if you're a comedian, you're asked to do a commencement speech, any kind of speech, you have to be funny sometime in it. Do you know who spoke at my graduation? Who?

Jerry Lewis. Oh, my God. That's crazy. It was awesome. I went to Emerson College. So there was a parent student breakfast. And on the parent student breakfast, he was crazy Jerry. And then he was crazy Jerry going into the actual ceremony.

I still remember. What did you do? Well, everyone was walking. down you know all the all the deans and all of these the popes and whatever of the college had all their rog and so he came in and he just had his hands on the shoulder in the front of him he just came and he just going wha he did he did that thing with his crazy face and we were just dying laughing oh my god and then when he went up to give his speech he became telethon jerry and he had the tuxedo and just the like i mean the slickest shiniest black hair

everything but the cigarette going and asking for the timpany yeah yeah right for how much right how much are we raised it was like he murdered at the breakfast and then he murdered in a completely different way yeah at the uh the commencement where yeah it was like heartfelt and like you know i mean as far as a kid you know who'd been doing stand-up one maybe had maybe done stand-up 10 times at that point so But I mean, it was, it was, I do remember going like, wow, I saw like the entire gamut of what this guy can do, which is you want to be the broadest, craziest thing you've ever seen to like, hey man, like, I'm sitting down right now and I'm giving you the straight deal here. It was really, even just being, I was a kid, you know, I was 23, 24 when I saw it and it was just, I knew it was like, this guy has. a lot of like, like, you know, clubs in the bag, as they say, or whatever. Like, this guy can kind of do it. Did you miss him being funny in the speech? Because, yeah, I know you said the

breakfast. He was killing it. No, I do remember what I felt bad about was Marley Matlin. Is that her name? Yeah. Yeah, the actress. She also spoke. And the only sign language they taught us was applause was this and I just thought it was I just was sitting there going she must be annoyed out of her fucking mind that every time she says something we all go like she's she's really great no she gave a great speech but it's it's just kind of like you know it would be like if you went to France he just walked around going bonjour bonjour bonjour oh very yeah you have like one phrase right that she kept saying it's like it was so stupid because it's like we could have clap she can see us clapping yeah yeah i just felt it it was

um i don't know i'm superimposing how i would feel if i saw it and be like oh god don't do that yeah no she could have said it at some point at this you could stop i get it yeah just yeah yeah yeah i see you applauding i appreciate it you've you've acknowledged that i'm deaf even though everybody knows that so yeah she was in my episode of Seinfeld The lip reader. Well, let's talk about your career for the people. So was the comic strip the first place you started? Comic strip was the first place I started.

And so you were there like 77, 78, 78? 77. It started in 76 maybe? Yeah. But, you know, I started as baby Carol Leifer. You did? That was your on-stage name? No, that was a joke.

Oh. Oh. No, because I know, I know a kid's say then. Really? Well, some of the names, baby. Some of the names that I know that people went up when you first, like. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, so I didn't know if that was like. No. Because there's a lot of comics I know that every once in a while, you'll go on a road and you'll see one of their old headshots. Right. And there's like their name and then their nickname in parentheses and this or like, you know, so and so, blah, blah. Or the something of comedy.

Like whatever the hell it was, like whatever they thought their hook was. going to be six months into their career, you know, their stupid first headshot. Yeah. Like, I know, I know somebody, their first headshot, for whatever reason, they were holding a cat. Oh, my God. Like shirtless with a cat. Oh, no. I don't know what it was.

Did they incorporate the cat into their name? That would be. No, it just, it ended up looking like a bad soul album. It was a black dude. So it looked like, you know, remember how weird the back covers could be of an album back in the day? Yeah. Where the front cover really was the matter.

message of what the music was. And then I always felt like the artist had more say on the back. And it always got a little, like, huh, don't know how that correlates to what I'm listening to. That's what his headshot looked like. Oh, oh God. Yeah. And he had his girlfriend take it too in like his apartment. It was with like a bed sheet behind him. It was. Yeah. No, you got to read it was arguably it was the worst headshot I'd ever see. No, get a pro. Get a pro for a hundred bucks right to take your picture. Come on. Um, yeah. No, my audition night at the comic strip, Jerry Seinfeld was the MC, and it was me, Paul Reiser, and Rich Hall. And he put us all through.

So I literally go back to like Jerry passed you or was it Lucius? Jerry did. Wow. I know later on, Lucian used to pass, not pass people. Lucian had the little not even walk-in closet. He had a broom closet and you would go in there. and he would just be like you're not funny

I don't know why you would ever think he would just go in there and crush your dream that never happened to me fortunately what happened to me was I went down to the club and I met him and I said hey Lucian I'm a comedian

I just moved he was like I already have enough white guys I don't have any of you your dream is over go fuck yourself he did the usual thing that he said he didn't say that exactly but he didn't even fucking want to hear from me but I knew what he was

saying. Yeah. Because there was a lot of other white comics being like, it's like, it's like, dude, do you know what he's saying? Yeah. There's 800 white guys wearing fucking sweaters in this thing. I don't need another guy going up there going, what's the deal with fucking putting Mickey Mantle baseball cards, you know, whatever the fuck of whatever. But where's the first time you went up? Because I'm always intrigued, but the first time people had the balls to go up anywhere.

Oh, where's the first place I did stand up? Yeah. I was a comedy competition. Nick's Comedy Stop in Boston. Okay. Had a competition, Find Boston's Funniest College student. It was a marketing ploy to get the, you know, get it filled with a bunch of college kids drinking beers on a Monday night. Did you do it while you were at Emerson?

I was still at Emerson, yeah. So I had made a New Year's resolution. This is how walled off I was. It was 1992. I made a New Year's resolution that at some point in 1992, I was going to do. do stand-up. I didn't know when, so I set it. You just set that year. I set that and literally like in January, a couple, two, three weeks later, in the Emersonian, I saw it and I was like, oh my God, there's the opportunity, and I felt like I was going to check it out. So I was a commuter,

you know, paid my way through college, working and everything, you know, Bruce Springsteen song on its way. So I took the train home and I went home and set my book bag down. It wasn't. It wasn't. It went right over to the phone and immediately called before I chickened out. Wow. And then I remember they were like, like what it was like the last Monday in February of that year was the Emerson night and so many people signed up that they had to have a second week. So they said, is there any way you can go on the week after? Yeah.

And I said, yeah, sure. Yeah, like you're going to go, no, I'm busy. Yeah, no, I'll delay it a week. And then I kind of felt a little I beat myself up a little bit like I should have said, no I need to go on and then yeah and then the night came or whatever you know I forgot everything I was going to say

I was supposed to do five minutes I could only remember three and a half minutes of it or whatever but I've always told you know people who are doing stand-up I go like the first 10 15 times you do it it's not about how you did it's just about having the balls to go up there when they you know please welcome Carol Leifer

and you being like I am Carol Leifer and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Yeah. And you just go up there and just start talking. And it's, it really is one of the most amazing things where it's the only thing where, you know, you can practice all you want at home, but you can't. Exactly.

It's like, can you imagine learning how to play guitar in front of a crowd? I know. Twinkle, twinkle. And God bless the people that go to open bikes and have to sit through that shit. Oh, oh, God. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah.

But that's the thing. that, I don't know if you get this question as a stand-up, it always cracks me. And when people say, do you practice in front of a mirror? Yeah. Oh, I've tried it. It doesn't work. Right. No, you need people and the scary part of going up in front of drunk strangers and trying

to make them laugh. I mean, I remember at the beginning of my career, I really, and I'm sure every stand-up has a story, a real streak of a lot of not. doing well and yeah what's that like yeah that never happened to me but a big streak bill and i remember i was at the bar at the improv and stephen right who of course you know came over to me and he said you got to do stand-up every night for three years and not judge yourself to become a really good stand-up you have to just go on and go on and fall in your face and bomb and that's what it takes to get good And there's nothing, too.

Don't listen to anybody that tells you that you shouldn't do that. Yeah. Because if, especially when you're a young comic, if you're feeling doubts, don't listen to anybody unless they tell you to keep going. Yes. You know what I mean? If you really want it, that's what you have to do. But if you're looking for a way out, there'll be plenty of people to be like, yeah, man, I don't, like, you know, God bless Lucian. But like, the amount of fucking people that he, like, that early on.

Told them no. To say that stuff. I never understood it. wrapped up in the power of it yeah yeah I mean at least when I started comedians were telling you whether you would pass the audition at when I went on a catch rising star I missed that so Jerry was the one that passed you yeah he was um he was kind of already he'd only been doing a year but he was kind of the king of the comic strip right and I remember seeing people's first sets it was great the comics would go in and watch so you know comedians we have a different take a different eye

than someone in management about who's good or not. And what I liked about when I started, too, people are always like, oh, as a woman, you must have really had it tough. And I really found it was a big advantage. And that also the guy comics were so supportive of me and so treated me like a sister, you know? And things I learned from guys, you know,

because I used to find when I started, if I saw a group of guys walk in, three or four or more guys walk in and sit at a table, I'd be like, they're the group. They're going to give me a problem. I know, it's going to be a problem. And I could never get over with them. And one night, a male comment came over to me and he said, I see you're having trouble with groups of guys. I was like, yes, yes.

He was like, I think I can help you. I was like, great. And he said, when they start to heckle you, all you have to say is, so guys, where are the dates tonight? Where are the girls? Beautiful. They park in the car? Where are they? And then immediately the shut up.

And I wouldn't know that unless a guy kind of kept me to that. That's how you do all that. I mean, guys, it's all right if you're gay. You know, you can just say that. That will shut any straight guy back then. Yes. Before straight guys started painting their toenails or whatever's happening, you know, that would have totally shut them down. Yeah, absolutely.

You know, I found that when, uh, you know, I found that when, uh, I did, they used to call them the uptown rooms, or the urban rooms, like the all black shows. So all that really was as a white comic was your ideas in your head of what it was going to be. So, and it was the crowd's idea. So you would go on stage and you could feel the crowd being like, oh, God, corny white guy. What the fuck is he doing down here? And all you had to do was get your first laugh. Right.

And once you got your first laugh, it was like easy because you were like the mascot. Like, oh my God, isn't this amazing? this white guy is making us laugh. And then like, after you did those shows a couple of times and you got comfortable, I would watch it and I would be watching the black comics and there would be guys. I'm sitting there going like, this guy's funny than this guy's got better material than me. But he has to work 10 times harder because, I don't know, they're just taking him for granted. Yeah, you're me or whatever.

But there wasn't like, and then I would go over to the cellar and then I would see the opposite. Like if you were a white comic in front of a predominantly white crowd. Yeah. They didn't want to, like, it wasn't interesting after you'd seen three white comics. And then if a black comic went up and, like, started beatboxing or something, forget it. They were like, oh, my God, that is amazing. And then you would go up there and you'd feel your own people hating you. Right.

And it's just like, all right. But you got to set yourself apart, however that is, whenever you go up. Well, that's, I mean, I don't think I've ever heard anybody for your generation say that as a female comic you had a, a supportive thing. That's a really good thing to hear. Yeah, yeah, totally. And I got on more because I was a woman comic. I mean, they wouldn't put two women on in a row. I remember that. That was a rule that lasted, I feel like, until about 10 years ago. Right? A long time. Forget about it in a row. They wouldn't have two women on a show. Yes. On a weekend. And then they wouldn't have two women within the same hour and 10 minutes on like a Tuesday.

Yeah, like it was going to, you know, put an odor, stink up the room somehow. But, I mean, it would literally be like, we're going to have a singer, a magician, then we'll do the woman, then we'll have him, you know, ventriloquist, then maybe, you know. Not Carol, we're going to have the woman. Yeah, I mean, it, yeah, it was a, yeah, it was just, it was that time. There was a whole, there was a whole bunch. I remember, forget about, there was so many rules. I remember when I started. Yeah.

People are like, you can't have facial hair. People, they have to see your face. If they can't see your face, they're not going to laugh. You can't do an AIDS joke. You can't be too good looking. You can't be too in shape. Comedy. People, they don't want to see a cool guy up there.

They want to see like the underdog and blah, blah, blah, blah. And it was just like, it was almost like they were saying there's only one kind of music. Right. You know what I mean? there's rock music and all these other genres and uh and it goes back to what you were saying don't listen to other people just do your own thing do you know drives me nuts as a parent is because I started late so all my I did too yeah okay so okay so okay how many fucking times do you have to hear it goes by quick it's like listen just because my kids are young doesn't mean I have to

listen to your regrets I get it instead of helping them learn how to ride a bicycle you weren't there guess what I was there I swim with them every fucking day I am involved I spend more time in the summer with my kids than any kid from my generation our entire up we were all latchkey kids yeah absolutely

okay so and now it goes by but you got to do that in your act well there's a huge pushback now where the abused generation that raised the coddled generation are now blaming the coddled generation and there's this going back to you know, you know, like you're a good parent if your kid has a broken arm.

Like, remember you used to see kids in casts? You know what's another one that I love? Yeah. Is when they'll show something from a movie from back in the day that was overtly racist. And then like moron Caucasians will write, you're back when you could do this and nobody was sensitive about it. It's like, no, this is back when those people, there was no way for you to hear their opinion. Right.

They had no voice. They could call the network or they could make some signs and stand out in front of like Paramount. And that was it. That was it. And what I love too is like all of these like hardcore racists are always calling everybody snowflakes when they're the biggest sense. Like literally a black person couldn't kiss another black person without white people freaking out. Yes. But like the first 25 years of TV.

Oh my God. Yeah. Black Lives Matter. All lives matter. And then it's like can somebody have the mic for a second? second without you wetting your pants they don't realize no it's it's well that people like that and everybody's been guilty of this is is it's basically you know where the universe is between my ears that's where everything exists so it the world is easy yeah dude this is everything

fucking it's it all makes sense so um but people don't realize like i try to tell people when Chenate O'Connor had a bald head that was like holy crap like are you kidding me you know now it's like fashionable like I try to explain to people that was a big bold statement back then

yeah there's a lot of stuff well I think that like you have to keep pushing to like shock people I feel like the shocking stuff that younger people are doing now it's quieter like because people like they got tattoos on their face now tattoos is it's not a job killer it used to be i think now you could actually have a tattoo on your face and really maybe at a tattoo parlor i'm okay well you can basically you can have sleeves sleeves yes i've seen the sleeves all the way up to your neck and as long as you kind of you know you put a tie on

you can cover that spider on your neck yeah back in the day it was like if you if you If you got, like, tattoos that were going to be visible, like, like, the statement of that. It was like cell block B. Well, no, yeah, you were a badass. Yeah. You had left the mainstream, right? So it was really cool. Yeah.

And if you saw, if somebody had like a sleeve tattoo, if somebody had a tear drop, they killed somebody. They fucking killed somebody. But I feel like now, though. Yeah, now it's just, I'm sad. But, no, but you know what I feel like now, though, is, like, like, like, you know, Like, there is a hopelessness out there. Like, we were just steering towards this disaster. And, like, all of, and I think all of the music in the last, like, 25 years, like, all of that, like, that stuff that I wasn't even aware of that I started because, you know, writing and directing a few things and I needed music for scenes.

I discovered stuff like lo-fi, shoegaze. And it's all really sort of like this atmospheric detachment. Yeah, I don't even know what those are. If I was a young person now, it's like you're dealing with the hopelessness of the situation that the older generations like us have created, not us specifically, but just the direction that it's gone in while getting- No, I did create global warming. I'm sorry about that. While getting yelled at by older people that you're soft.

And like, I don't know, and I feel like the hardest emotion is empathy. and so I try like I don't want to Especially for comedians Yeah well I don't want to be like That's why like you know I have like comics will write in and be like Hey you know

Do you still believe in the old Somebody wrote me that this week Do you still believe in the old school way Of doing stand-up And I go like it's like I don't own stand-up What is that? Exactly I don't know I don't know but I just think today like

As opposed to like using social media Whatever Oh yeah yeah It's just like It's not mine It's an art form It's like literally the greatest thing about it You can go out and do it however you want to do it.

Right. But like, you know, I'm not going to get into specifics, but there's definitely been in the last 10 years like this pendulum of like groups of people, including comedians, trying to tell people what you should and shouldn't be able to say and jokes what you should do. Like comedians doing this. It's a really. It's a very slippery slope.

Yeah. And all of these, there's always like, eh, these are weird times. It's kind of crazy. And it's just like, I think you might be part of the crazy time. Yeah, yeah. And they are jokes. Yeah, it's weird. I tell people they are jokes.

You know what I know is about your stand-up I wanted to ask you about? Goes on too long and I need to read this book. How to write a funny hour. No, yeah, special and hour is good. Yes. You use a mic with a cord, which I also prefer. Yes. I don't trust the wireless shit.

Right, yes. And not only that, don't. Don't you, I'm so used to holding the cord. It's a little bit like a whip sometimes, you know? It's also my nod to like, like back in the day when I saw a guitar player, you plugged into the amp. You know what I mean? Yes.

The bass player plugged in. You plugged in. The phone was on the wall. Like I just think it's like, it's, like, I'm holding onto the past. And like, whenever I have like this wireless microphone, I feel like I'm holding like this lightsaber. Yeah, like a toy. Like a Hasbro, hey, I've got a mic.

One time I had to do one of those prom shows. Did those exist when you were coming? Yes. Okay. So, oh my God, who the fuck was booking these? I think it was Stand Up New York. At Dangerfields, they had a lot of. Oh, those are brutal.

Dangerfield was brutal on a regular night. Forget about when you have a bunch of young kids trying to get laid and instead they have to listen to a 35-year-old talk about his divorce. So there was a prom, these prom gigs and they were on these cruises that went around the Isle of Island of Manhattan, right? Yeah. Which is kind of the perfect thing for the kids, you know, to get in a romantic mood so you can have a good night.

And then all of a sudden this stupid comedian comes out. So the DJ brought me up, gave me a cordless mic, and it just cut the music. All these kids were having a great time. They did not need me. And they were just like, I still remember the intro was like, I was told this joke a million times in my podcast, but the intro was, yo, we got a comedy shop. coming up, give it up for your comedian, Billy Bucks. That's what he said? Billy Bucks.

Oh my God. And I went out with a cordless microphone and it cut in and out because we were on the boat. I don't know where the fucking satellite everything. And, oh, yes. All I remember was this one kid that was just like, you know that kid who looks like he's 25 but he's still in high school? He had like his first mustache. He was like leaning against like whatever, the railing on the side of the boat and his arm was his girlfriend. All I remember is his face going, let me just say it's going, shut the fuck up.

Let's get off the stage. So I went down after my set. Yeah. I went down to like the engine room area. To kill yourself. No. And then as the boat was docking, I had to make the decision.

Am I going to stay here like a stowaway and let them all leave and then walk? Or am I just going to. rip the band-aid off and walk out with him and I just said I'm going to rip it off you did I still oh I still remember oh I still remember this kid just like I made eye contact with this kid yeah just looked at me just went oh oh just shook his head he was looking at me like yeah man like why did you even think why did you ever even think and then I walked off with them and then I like broke away from the pack yeah and then I just immediately started fucking laughing and I can't I can't remember if cell phones were.

I don't even think they were around at that point. Mm-hmm. So I probably immediately went to a comedy club. Yeah. Get the stink off. No, no. I went and I just sat down and I told another comedian in the story. And then we just were dying laughing.

Right. And then commiserating. Oh, my God. He goes, I have to do one Friday night. Blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I listened to his story or whatever. Yeah, proms were the worst. The worst thing is when you have a bad set,

like I did a corporate where I just bombed. it was bad from start to finish. And then I went to the ladies' room and I was in the stall. And I hear two women talking by the sink and going like, and somebody good, they can't afford. You know, and then it's the same thing. Do I stay in the stall? Do I hide in the stall?

Or do I come out and like, hello ladies. Yeah, you're talking about me. Nice to see you. Yeah. I have, you know what's funny? is those comments, those comments, they've never, a lot of things have left my head,

but those comments never have. Right. I still remember one hearing like, this woman going like to her boyfriend. Like, is it usually like that? And he's going, no, the show's usually funny. That red-headed kid sucked.

Oh, it's just a word. That happened to me over 30 years ago that the comedy connection in Providence, Rhode Island, I still remember what they look like. It's still there. what they look like. And I went to my day job because back then there was like a week between spots.

Yeah. So for six days at my job, that is playing on a loop. Right. Super loud the first day, a little quieter, a little quieter. And then it was all about what you needed to do was have a good set, as you say, to get to get like that stink off of you. Yeah. Well, I think it's amazing that, you know, getting back to this before we go down the whole memory lane here about comedy is just that like what we're talking about this book is going to help you avoid at your

daughter or son's wedding um anywhere and you know what was great is it sold out in june which was fantastic yeah because people were grabbing it for their weddings and stuff but it's it's back in stock so i'm very happy about that that's fantastic well okay well so you're doing this do you have any gigs or anything coming up that i can by the way i also want to thank you when you came out you Sandra Bernhardt came out to Glenn Gary Glenn Ross was one of my favorite nights to have two legendary comedians

you guys don't understand you know to come out and have you guys say that I did a good job oh my God you were amazing Bill I can't believe I mean movies is one thing but for a comedian like you to do They should have more comedians

because it's right in our wheelhouse The only thing that was different Well, because you're used to like, you know, whenever you do stand up, they say, oh, it's you up there all by yourself. It's like, no, it isn't. It's me and the crowd. And the crowd. Yeah, but you're with other actors. That's the addition.

That's the addition. The addition is that. That would freak me out. So it's still, you figure it out quick. You would figure it out quick. Wow. So what it is is they, the crowd tells you to speed up or slow down or if you're gone too far. Really?

They're telling you that. Wow. Yeah. There's all kinds of information. information, it's like some of the overseas gigs that I've done. I learn I could be in that fucking city

for a week, talking to locals and stuff, and I'll learn a few things. But when I go on stage for an hour, what they laugh at, how they laugh at it, I learn more in that hour than I would having a cup of coffee with their fucking prime minister. Because you get a general, because that's

the people. Right. I didn't know you could feel that, though, on Broadway, doing, you know, scripted a whole hour and a half. We did like 128 shows. So I started to know when like, oh, there's a lot of foreigners and this feels like a foreigner crap. Oh wow. And then we'd get out there and there would be

people like, you know, we came in from Australia oh, we're here from Korea. You know, we just came in from Hong Kong. Like there was people coming in. Yeah. Like that, you know, Glenn Gary's, you know, is a huge movie that obviously I guess went international. So we would have and what I learned on those nights, because the first few

night's when there was a lot of foreigners in the crowd, I would get in my head and think like, oh, I suck tonight, I suck tonight. But then we would go out to sign the playbills. Yeah. Finally got that right now. I used to call them the pamphlets, the playbills. Yeah. They would be out there like, oh, my, that, we, you know, we love the show.

Oh, my God. And I was just like, oh, they're, they're, you know, not in Australia, but like if someone's coming from a country in Asia, this is a second language. Right. So they're like is, they're not laughing because they don't want to miss something that they're, depending on how good their English is. So. They're that much more appreciative, I don't think. Yeah. But I also got to do the scene with Michael McKeon. Yes.

He's one of the most generous actor. And the greatest listener, I think I've ever been with, doing a scene with. And what I loved about him, it was, he'd just been. doing it so long that it was just it's a part of his being like the last night we were there he played guitar and sang a few songs for us oh wow and oh yeah we we the cast was awesome like we all we all yeah I could feel that backstage yeah we all bonded and hung out and yeah I think it was him saying goodbye because he wasn't going to the after you know he was like I'm not going to that crap you know it was kind of his saying goodbye to everybody yeah like just watching the way that he played and how the guitar seemed like a part of him and it was like effortless like he truly is

like an artist was was was my one of my favorite other than getting to know with know him and work with him one of my favorite things about um doing that play with him was kind of getting to know the artist in him and seeing uh how much passion he had he still has for it like we used to ride down in the elevator every night and the whole cast elevator we'd be riding down yeah And, you know, you'd go in and out of the office. And there was always like, dude, you got a new laugh on something. Like, what were you doing out there? Really?

You're that attuned to hear the audience. Yeah, or somebody, like, blows a line. Uh-huh. And. Did you ever blow a line? Oh, my God, yes. Oh, yeah. They called the White Room.

You can't remember your lines. Yeah, Michael always saved me. And I remember one, there was a line that Karen had where, oh, he goes, yeah, you know, you're playing. pal closes a deal and you you know your x y and z and then i'm coming across and my line was like who's my pal and what are you ricky you know like that shit so one night he says your buddy closes a deal and you blah blah blah blah so then i looked at him i go who's my buddy yeah and what are you rickie right so the stage manner goes that was fucking awesome that you caught that he said buddy and you

weren't in like robot mode because that meant you're actually listening yeah yeah we had this running joke you know after that because you go nuts uh-huh so i'm like here one night you have to say your buddy old pal closes a deal and you x y and z and then i got to be like totally dave moss all hardcore like who's my buddy old pal so we would do yeah like to keep it like flesh it fun yeah i swear to god like if you saw that play in june the shit that bob odenkirk and karen were Really? And John Pierichello, like, it was like the Marx Brothers, like what they, where they took that play. Yeah, yeah.

And you couldn't break up. That was. Or did you? They weren't. Oh, no. They used to try to make each other laugh. Uh-huh. And Kieran was the hardest to make laugh because Kieran wouldn't laugh unless, if you tried to make him laugh, you couldn't make him laugh.

But if you did some new choice that he liked, he would laugh. But you almost couldn't tell he was laughing. have a smile but he knew how to keep it down down here because he told me one night he goes you have no i goes i've been laughing at that for three fucking nights and i was oh no no i didn't know that was making you laugh um but anyway this isn't this isn't about but i want to ask because i've always wondered when you're on stage do you hear people usually old ladies unwrapping their little sucking candy no you know i heard uh i heard some cell phones i did hear some talking I've heard people shushing people

but I mean it's like after you've done a prom show Yeah, that's true Like on the Richter scale of disrupting I think maybe that stuff early on in the run

It didn't take much to throw me off But once you get used to it I did a stand-up set recently at the great theater The Barnes of Wolf Trap I don't know if you ever played it. No. It's very good.

The Barnes of Wolfprap. Yes, yes. You think it's going to be. That sounds like the crowd would all dress up as good, evil characters. Farmers, bales of hay. Right. No, it's a beautiful venue. And the promoter's wife, you know, I also feel like backstage, it's just the comics.

Let's have the comics, not your family and your friends. I love how old school you are. Right? Yes. And the promoter's wife was eating from a bag of Pirates' Booty and the crinkling was throwing me off so badly that I literally was like, hey, excuse me, one second, guys. And I go offstage and I go, well, you stop eating the Pirates booty.

It's throwing me off so bad. And then I came back because the crinkling was just... Did she laugh? She was a little stunned because I think I came back there. loud with me? Yeah, you know, but they're sitting there with the chewing and the thing. Completely. I couldn't tune it out.

I get you. I'm so glad. No, because that feeds into this. How many more events am I going to go to and sit there and have to do it? And rather than just sit around and bitch about it, you've actually done something about the problem. Thank you. Yes. That you brought it back around to my book.

and your enjoyment of it means the world to me. No, 100%. No, I am, you have no idea what you and your whole generation. You guys, the reason why there was New York comedy clubs for me to go down to, to have some guy be like, I got enough way, guys, was because of what you guys did. Like, you built all. Like, I always give it up to Jay Leno. Like, they always talk about the dingho, but Jay Leno was doing stand up in the

combat zone in between strippers. Yeah. So he did the. reconnaissance that like that this could like i talked to him he used there was there was this jazz bar up in pebitty massachusetts that every once in a while comes around that like guys like miles davis would perform at and like a young j leno yeah would go on in front of miles davis like right around when he was doing around the on the corner album i probably had al foster in his band playing drums or whatever but like jay would go on um and i just loved that whole idea that there was

like where people went out to see a show. Yeah. So it was just like, I'll see a comedian. I'll see, you know, somebody spinning plates. Right. And then I'll go see one of the greatest jazz trumpet players ever. And that's an evening in Peabody, Massachusetts on Route 1. To me, is amazing.

Right. And he did the Playboy Club. I mean, yeah, it's really going way back. I think Jim Carrey told me a story of doing a Playboy Club, too. Really? Yeah, because I found a picture. The one in Chicago. because I, he started, like, I think that thing died out right around the early 80s,

and I think he was one of the, um, I saw his name and I sent it to him on the marquee thinking it was a joke. He was like, no, that was actually me. I did that guy. Well, he, he was doing impressions in the beginning. Right. So you know that. So he, and he was on his way to being like the next Rich Little and then one, that's my favorite story ever. He just like snapped on one stage, one night on stage. Like, I can't do that. I got, I got to like, you know, talk out of my ass or whatever the hell he wanted to do and i just loved that rodney let him do it yeah and there's that great story of like rodney watched him going from getting standing ovations opening from them to like them just stare and he got off stage and rodney said to him he goes he goes kid this staring at you like

you're from mars but he didn't fire him and he let him like work it out hey work it out right that's what he said right and and i always thought that that was uh that was amazing But anyway, I always go off on like tangents. I had the nice button for the end of this. So how to write a funny speech for a wedding bar mitzvah graduation. Every other vent you didn't want to go to in the first place. If you want to have a good set. Yes.

And not torture people that you love or whatever. You want to hook up after. Maybe you're single. You want to see like the life of the party. It's all purpose for anything you want. Wait a minute. Forward by Carol Burnett. Yes. Another Emissoni.

Can I tell you one of my favorite stories about her? Wait a second. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so she was working as an usher. There's this movie theater right near the Pantages that closed. It's still on Hollywood Boulevard. I looked it up one day to be like, what is that? That looks like an old movie theater.

So I looked it up, and then the story was one of the things you clicked on. So she was an usher, and a couple came in late for a movie. And they had paid full price for a ticket. And Carol being cool was just like, ah, it's cool. Just stay here and, you know, you can watch it. You just watch the next show. it's no big deal yeah well the tight-ass manager heard that fired her and made her turn in her uniform oh wow so years later she's a legend and she's getting her star on the hollywood walk of

fame they go where do you want it she goes i know exactly where i want it so if you go out in front of that theater right in front of that theater carol burnett's star is there oh my god that's perfect yeah it is perfect yeah it is perfect she's amazing i asked her on a friday of a holiday weekend if she would do the forward. She literally said send it. She read it over the weekend. She said, I love it. And on Monday, she sent the forward. I mean, who does that? Gee, why does she have like a six, seven decade career? I mean, that's it right there. Yeah. Yeah. She says she's going to do something and she does it and she crushes it. Generous. That's awesome. Well, I'm sure you crushed this book. I'm going to read it. And I can think of a few people I can send a copy to. Good. Hey.

I'll send you a bunch. All right. Well, it's been an absolute thrill to have you on the podcast. I'm such a huge fan. Well, right back at you. And thank you for all your hard work as a comedian because there was a great New York City comedy scene for me to come to because of people like you.

All right. So there you go. Carol Leifer, how to write a funny speech for a wedding or any event that you could ever possibly need to go to get it now. Where can they get this? Anywhere. Amazon, the thing. The thing.

Sell it out of my house. Sell it out of your house. all places, barns and nobles. You actually want to talk to a human being. Yeah. All right, that's it. Thank you so much for watching. Have a great weekend, and I'll see you on Monday.

Hey, what's going on? Oh, that's really loud. Hey, that's really fucking loud. What's going on? It's Bill Burr. And it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, Monday, Monday, Monday. August 21st, 2000. Jesus, I got to call.

cough drop in my mouth. I got a Hall's mental lipist. You're not going to want to listen to this, are you? You know what? I don't have time to start it over again. I just don't, you know? One of the weirdest things ever is when you have to go on a microphone and you've got to fucking halls in your goddamn mouth and what, like how do you make it go by faster?

Am I supposed to just spit it out? Is that what you want for me? All right, I will. I don't know where to go here. You're just going to have to hang on a second. Just hang on, hang on, hang on. Hang the fuck on and spit this fucking thing out. As long as I make noise, it's still a podcast.

It's still a podcast as long as I make noise. All right, I'm back. I'm back and I got the energy. All right, this is the Monday morning podcast for... It's for fucking August 21st, 2017. You know, they ain't got no August over there in the Middle East. You know why they don't believe in Christ? If you don't believe in cries, God's like, well, you know what?

And guess what? You ain't got no more August, right? That's why they're so mad all the time. The summers goes by so fucking fast. That's true, man. You can look it up. Go look it up on the pooter over there. Shit.

I'm in a great fucking mood. I got a bunch of shit to do as always. As always. I'm recording this quarter of five. California time. um on sunday you know and i put all this money down on the red socks right you know i've been betting the red socks gambling okay i'm betting on the red socks two of my friends are yankee fans right it's on that yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep all this fucking shit all rise courts in session

can we hear from the bailiff we get it his last name is judge jesus fucking christ how to A lot of people in sports get away with the fucking puns. Or just basically the newspaper industry in general. My God. Have you reached a verdict? Yes, we have, Your Honor. That was a home run. You get it?

They're so bad. I wish, I just wish, sweet Caroline was as funny bad as all those Aaron Judge punts. If they could just make it that fun. to just watching a bunch of people who you know on fucking Black Friday have their face pressed up against the Walmart window going, right? How that song became part of the tradition. When the fuck did that happen? When did it happen?

When will it go away? You know? It's bad enough. They sing, take me out to the ball game. They never used to do that in the seven. thing he just stood up and stretched and then Harry Carey did it and it was great you know why because he believed it and he was shit-faced and he was hanging out the fucking window and you're like is that guy gonna fall you know you know those guys who booze their whole life they get this big round belly

and then they got those little pretzel rod sticks so when he started getting a lot of that fucking keg out the window you know that's why they have that net above home plate you know what I mean, over the fans. It's, you know, that goes back to, it has nothing to do with foul balls. It has to go to back in the day there was so many fat alcoholics sticking their head out, you know, doing God knows what back then, you know, I imagine initially, they were just amazed that they were on the second floor of a structure sticking their head out like, you know, gee, Willikers, how the hell does this thing stand up?

There's people underneath me that I can't see, right? then that gradually morphed into holy shit look how far you know oh ladies and gentlemen Abruth hit it really far really fucking far that morphed into that and then somewhere in there it was like oh my god is that a black guy on the field you know they've always been hanging out the window for years and years and years and that's why that net was there everybody thinks it's to protect the fans it's not to protect the fans back in the day everybody wore a hat they were fine okay the ball wasn't juke it was the dead ball error it'd go up in the air or you know those people were tough back then they

built railroads with their fucking hands you know and that's just the chinese okay forget about the people that fucking built the uh i don't know what the cotton gin all right i'm off the fucking rails here i don't know what i'm talking about all i know is that i'm like all right i got to get back into baseball you know what i mean now an old man it's a slow game and then all of a sudden it gets exciting and then it slows down again, right? Just like that thing as you get older every once in a while, your heart does something. You're like, am I going to fucking die here? Okay, no, I'm good.

Right? That's what baseball is. And the rest of the time, it's just fucking sitting there, you know? Like waiting for a cough drop to dissolve so you can start your fucking podcast. That's type of shit. So anyways, I decided out of the fucking blue to bet with two of my friends, both Yankee fans. right one's a yankee and giant fan the other a yankee and a patriot fan figure that one up it's one of those connecticut stories right you heard of a bronx tale this is the sequel called connecticut story

and this guy's a yankee and a patriots fan the most bizarre one of the more bizarre combinations of fans i've ever i've ever seen um so i bet them both you know 50 bucks each a game so they stand to lose 50 again 50 i'm dropping a C-note a picker it up on the last two series. We've won two out of three on both of them. So old freckles here is up 100 bucks, right? Is that right? Let's see, I was down 100, then I was even, then I was up 100. Then I was up 200, then I was up 100. Now I'm up 200 bucks. Two hundred balloons, right? I loved it. I almost made an extra 50 because the guy's going, dude, I'm telling you right now to fucking Aaron Judge. You know, everybody's going to rise and court's going to be in session and they're

going to reach a verdict and then he's going to hit him. I get it. I get it. He's going to hit a home run. And I was like, you fucking cock sucker, that guy's like, oh for 50 with guys on base against the Red Sox the last couple of weekends. Of course the guys do. It's goddamn Paul Bunyan going up there, swinging the bat. Then I thought about it. I was like, all right, fuck it. I'll bet you. But I was voice texting. And I said, I'll bet you 50 bucks. he doesn't but it wrote I bet you fix 50 bucks he does it and then I didn't hear back from him and I was like all right you got until you know midnight tonight to get your bed in or the offers off the table and he said he fell asleep but he was probably sitting going like well dude I said

he was going to do it why would you I said he'd do it for 20 bucks then you said you also think he's going to do it for 50 I think I weirded him out he hasn't called me all day so that might be the end of that friendship it's funny how that happens right 15 year friendship can end on a voice text that somebody doesn't understand um so anyways the red so red sox took the fucking series and you know why they took the series because we spent 200 million fucking dollars and god damn you know we better be the fucking yankees if we're going to spend that kind of money i don't know what the i didn't know what the yankee spent this year i just know they have most of their own draft picks so it really doesn't matter right or does it

I have no idea. Do you guys see in Spain? They set up 800 checkpoints to catch that fucking cunt. Did they catch the guy? I don't know. Desperate to ease public fears and neutralize a terrorist cell responsible for the deadliest attack in Spain. Or they were neutralized the terrorist cell. It was actually going to, I guess, going to be way more deadly.

But the fucking dopes accidentally blew themselves up. I'm trying to make a bomb. That's the greatest thing that can. it happened. That's my favorite terrorist story when they were building it and then it fucking blows up. It's such a fucked up world, man. There's just people on both

sides that are just out of their fucking minds. I don't get it. I just don't get it. Why can't you just fucking be like me and, you know, battle booze and watch sports and get excited about things that don't matter? Why do you have to have a fucking cause and get all into some invisible fucking guy that you never fucking met

and then everybody around you has to die if they don't think the way you think? what is it there's a tipping point in religion and it's a combination of like you believe too much and you got too much fucking I don't know what you know I just do a bit about that

if you have like too much power and you get too much into fucking religion like it always goes bad you start pressing other fucking people you know like when my people really get into Jesus. White people, it gets fucking scary. You know?

Black people get really into Jesus. Yeah, no, it's a fucking great service. Killer band. That's it. They're confined. White people. It's an open fucking feel. Whatever the fuck they think, they just, they just, they run with it. No checks and balances.

That's the problem. So I don't know what goes on with these fire. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I don't know what goes on with these people. The fuck you convince somebody that their last fucking move on the planet. is you're going to walk into a group of people sitting there watching a show or eating a fucking slice of pizza and you're going to kill all of them. And then God's going to be like, hey, nice going.

Woo! Hey, buddy. I want to talk to you. You know, I would have done that, but I couldn't think. Thank God you thought to do that. I don't know. So anyways. So good luck to Spain.

I hope you eradicate those cunts right out of your fucking beautiful country. anyways why do i talk world politics well i know why because it makes you guys feel smarter right hey bill maybe next time you bring up spain maybe you could fuck i go fuck yourself i'll do what i want oh by the way i got some uh i got some i got a giveaway this week for the first thousand people all right now wait a second before you take out your fucking first the first thousand people that text a a a particular phrase to a particular number will win some all things comedy merchandise. They're basically

stickers. All right? Texted? Is that what it is? Yeah. And I'm just letting you know that that this is so they can build build up their email fucking database and let you guys know what's going on with their site. Okay? So it's fucking transparent what we're

trying to do here. For the price of a sticker, that's what we're trying to do. You know, we're trying to get more social media and all that type of shit because we've got big shit. Coming up on All Things Comedy relaunched the website next month. Burke Chrysher has a cooking show on there called Something's Burning. I'm going to be doing those road rage fucking videos where you got the fucking camera on me and all of that shit. And then the person that did whatever they did.

Felipe Espars is going to be doing a home improvement show. Basically, your favorite comics doing the shit that they like to do being funny. We got our first stand-up special release with Paul Verzi. We got a bunch of stuff going on and talks of, yes, all kinds of other things, sports shows and all this type of stuff. So we're trying to, got to let you guys know what's going on. So here's what you do. If you want a sticker, if you don't want to do it, don't fucking do it. But if you want to do it, all you need to do is text all capitals, no space.

Bill Burr, B-I-L-L-L-B-U-R-2-4-2. Reggie Jackson, Doug Flutty, Derek fucking Oh, fuck that. Jerry Remy, the Remdog. It was his day today. I would have said Derek Cheetah. 4422. Two fours, three twos.

You got it for a sticker. And then we'll be bugging you, letting you know what's going on with all these great shows we have coming up. You know, we got Bobby Lee, we got Al Madrigal, we got all these fucking people. All right. We have Ari Schiffie.

All right. So anyways, and I got to be honest with you, after these last six games, Red Sox Yankees and having money on the game, I got to be honest with you, after all these years, saying Pete Rose shouldn't be in the Hall of Fame. The man was right. Betting on baseball, it makes it better. It does. It makes it fuck. It makes you care. You know, you think October baseball is exciting. Put your paycheck on. a fucking game in August. All right. You don't need Joe Buck and all those extra fucking microphones to make that exciting.

Dude, am I going to get Camara with T-tops? Am I going to be homeless? You know, that's the type of stakes that you want to raise. I'm calling it right now. Patriots, Giants, the rubber game. This year's Super Bowl, Patriots finally fucking, win, right? No helmet catch,

no fucking Brady to Welker fucking two foot pass. It goes incomplete. No Asante Samuel dropping the fucking ball. None of that shit. We're finally going to beat those cunts and you know why Tom Coughlin. No Tom Coughlin's going to be the difference.

I love what the Giants are doing. I think they're going to, you know, and they got fucking Eli. He's got ice fucking water in his veins. All right? their team is looking good, all right? And I'm telling you that team's looking good because I've paid attention for about eight minutes

during this preseason. And I've just been hearing a lot of chatter about weapons being added and field goal kickers and all of this type of shit. And people question in Eli, right? As he sits there in his dockers and his fucking, you know, I don't know what he's, you know. He always looks like he just did the right thing

the way he dresses, right? The loafers, the fucking pants, the sweater, you know? just like he dresses the way I should be dressing at my age and he's like fucking 12 years younger than me and the man gets the fucking job done the later the season is and forget about in January the man is lights out

okay telling you telling you it's going to be a rematch and we're going to win and I that's the fucking team I want to play that is the fucking team I want to play because we got nothing to lose they got everything to lose because if they're 2 and 0 they can talk shit for the rest of

fucking time. I want another shot. Right? The fuck. 2 and 0, 3 and O, I don't give a fuck. That doesn't make any difference. But if we get that last one, then we can give him shit. Ah, you know, what the fuck? You know, Sante Samma dropped the fucking ball and it was a screenpan. You know, whatever. Whatever, we got you. Then it's over. Then we got that thing we could say back.

That's what I'm saying, you know, because I ran through a couple of Giants fans. They're like, oh, no, you don't fucking want it. Why don't we want it? They're just logos at this point. Eli's probably the only guy left from that 2017. And I bet at least, I don't know, three quarters of both teams are gone since the last one. That's why I never get into those types of stats going,

these guys historically have not the, well, good, it's like it's all different people. It's all different people wearing the same clothes with better drugs. Better drugs. Better drugs in their system. Okay? just like the drugs that was sent to a particular quarterback's wife, okay, because she hurt her arm taking cookies out of the oven, okay? It was a complete non-story.

However, had that guy taken a quiff worth of air out of a ball, all of his rings would have been questioned. That's how it works. Okay, we're taking callers. You know what I did today? You know, it's funny, I did so many fucking positive things today. So many, this podcast is not one of them. But I did so many fucking positive things today, you know?

And then my wife, my laugh, she still had the nerve to be moody. And I don't know about you guys, but what the fuck goes on? Thank you. I don't put up with that. I don't put up with the moodiness. Okay. Come on. What do I got to do here?

What happened? Fucking thing just died on me here. There we go. I don't put up with that moody shit. If I did something, you got me. I'm sorry. All right? I said, I'm sorry.

That moody shit. If I do fucking nine things right and then the 10th thing's wrong and then you're going to get all moody with me, I swear to God. I swear, I just, that's it. You know what I do? I go, hey, hey, grumpy, what's going on? And if she doesn't fucking snap out of it, then I just shut down. you know and then you know I'm fucking German Irish

you want to play the silence game I can do this all I can do this forever all right you think there's a lot of silence and master of none let me tell you something right now I can do fucking silence I don't know why I'm making this motion

with my hand I grew up with that shit rage silence you know days going by hey you dumb cuntz all going to stare at the sun tomorrow do yourself a favor

just wait for the pictures you know what i mean looking at a fucking lunar eclipse or solar eclipse whatever the fuck's going on here it's a lunar eclipse right is it the lunar eclipse there's the one i learned that when the earth is between the sun and the moon the moon turns red because it deflects the fucking light or something you know the reason why i know this is because this shit's happening on monday and one of the writers in the writers room knew this shit and then there's the other one where the moon passes in front of the sun. Oh, my God, this haven't happened for 37, 38 fucking years.

Did you just see that little, not a meme? Was it a jiff, that thing going around about that newscaster? I actually really used to like, I used to watch him when I was a kid. And he said, uh, that eclipse that I was, uh, blah, blah, blah, blah. And there's not going to be another one in 38 years. And let's hope that when it, it fucking happens on it. a world that knows nothing but peace you know and everybody's like wow wow he said that and then wow it's just like what we've never been at peace ever ever ever never will be they'll never be

world peace they'll never be world peace the level of of violence that would have to occur for there to be peace you'd have to be the last person on earth because if there's another person if there was just two people at some point the other person is going to annoy you and then there goes to peace right that's what happened with Adam and Eve I hate to tell you all you people out there

that believe we came from fucking the ocean I actually believe in creationism whatever the fuck they call it all right there was two white people that started all of this and somehow we had all the other races

out of them. These two white people, right, Adam and Eve, and they got annoyed with each other. So she goes for a walk, right? The snake gets in her ear. Next thing you know, right? She goes over and she bites an apple,

which for whatever reason is healthy. It's a good thing. It's got fiber in it. You know? I don't understand why the man, the invisible guy was upset by that because you know what it was an apple with the sugar in it like because

there was no weed a coke or meth or anything like that like apples were I guess the heroin in it back then and he said let me tell you two little shit something all right you want to live in this fucking garden of Eden here

we'll do you stay away from the fucking apple tree that's it she went down And you should probably go, hey, you know, I'm going to go down and eat one of those fucking apples and fucking what's his face. Whatever. Is there a brother?

I don't know what went. None of that fucking, is anybody religious listening to this shit? How to fuck to two white people, okay? Fuck and create all different races of people. Forget about that. How if you just have two fucking people and then they bang and then what? How do you keep it going? Their kids have to fuck.

Exactly. you had nothing didn't you their kids have to fuck and then their kids kids fuck is that how we went from Adam and Eve

to fucking cavemen Neanderthals and those other fucking people with those sloppy foreheads you know and that that fucking Frankenstein brow which I kind of have is that what happened

because Adam and Eve banged and then their kids had to sit down and say children you have to fuck one another in order to keep this thing going right none of it makes sense none of those stories

fucking makes sense any more than the fat guy in the red fucking suit going down a goddamn chimney okay first of all if it was fucking true All these new homes without fireplaces would not have a Christmas. What are parents who live in houses without fireplaces say? You know? Up on the housetop, reindeer paws out jumps good old Santa Claus looking for a chimney,

but there isn't one gets back in the say, you have no fun. Go fuck yourself, right? No goddamn toys. Go fuck yourself. Go to Child World. All right. That's part of his contract. You leave cookies and there's a fucking chimney or that's it.

It's over. That and evidently he has no interest in anybody who's not Christian. He makes toys for everybody unless they're not Christian. You know what it is? It's just everyone, we were tribes and we had these, we were tribes and we just came up with these fucking stories and as it expanded and everybody started fucking interacting all the holes in our shit you know once you got that global view they'd all fucked up all of a sudden the world wasn't flat you know depending on what basketball player you talked to it was round you

all of a sudden you found out that it was fucking round these people aren't indians they're not from the fuck and they're not from india they're from america right the greatest fuck oh by the way i forgot to say you know if you go to tech oh i just fucked up if you go to text that thing we're not Sending a sticker overseas, by the way. This is just for Americans only. And by Americans, I mean, United States, America, maybe Canada. I don't know. You can't do it because it's a fucking sticker and then they got to fill out forms.

I should have said that earlier. You know, I should have done a lot of things in life, but I got to tell you, we're not telling you guys that, you know, if you text that fucking number and it's international, and the sticker's not coming. That's probably one of my biggest regrets. other than the fact the last time I didn't watch an eclipse

you know there was a guy wishing for world peace the next time it came around and now here we are 38 fucking years later 38 years later are we any closer you know

I'm sure somebody said that in the 1940s after fucking Hitler and Stalin and all that shit hey you know there was a last night there was a last night there was a typhoon i hope the next time there's a typhoon it's uh killing innocent people in a peaceful world it's never going to happen well jesus bill not with that fucking attitude the children

have to fuck when we return part two of the adam and eve story the story no one wanted to show you um all right so anyways i've been uh how many fucking minutes into this pile of shit podcast I do. Am I? 25, 26 minutes, people. 26 minutes is some of the most ignorant shit you're ever going to listen to. Yet you continue to listen. You continue to listen. All right. You know what I did? So I did all this productive shit today. Yes, my wife, she started pulling the grumpy thing, right? Like, I was going to wake up this morning. I was going to go play drums.

All right? Which I'm still going to do, but I'm going to do it tonight. Okay, but I could tell she was tired. or whatever. Okay, so the advantage, my laugh, that your lady has is when the kid's crying, they always have the option of the boob. Bam, instant, shut it, right? Puts the kid to sleep, they feel comfort and all that type of stuff. The only way that a man can compete in that arena is you have to, you either put the kid in the car and drive around the block a few times or what I think is better. you just put the kid in a stroller.

You just walk around the block. Now you're burning some of your dad bought calories. You know, your kid gets to look around and see a bunch of stuff. Fucking acid trip. Birds flying around. Jets, cars, trees. Right? Everything's amazing to them.

And then eventually they fall asleep. So anyways, I could tell my wife, my laugh, was really sleepy. So I said, all right, you know, she goes, it would be really nice if you could just take it for a walk. because she was up and my wife wasn't and I was just like all right I was going to work out I'll go play drums you know what fuck I'll do it so I did went on a nice long walk did the whole thing we had a great time she finally fell asleep after like 20 minutes she finally falls asleep and then I walked around like extra you know take an extra long you know walk home and you know walking further past the house coming back up come back up you know my wife still downstairs i can tell she's still sleeping we hung out we had breakfast together right i watched the little of the jerry remi you know jerry remy day at fenway park um just did all of that and then she didn't come upstairs till like fucking i don't know 11 30 11 o'clock or something something like that then she goes all right let's go out today

we said we're going to go out i'm like all right let's go out let's go out so she gets the kid ready and everything but the fucking shoes i try to put the shoes on i just can't do it i can't do it she tries to kick them off i start laughing and i can't get them on and i finally got one of them on and i realized i had it on the wrong foot and i was like fucking hand undo the buckle and then i finally got it on right and she just kicked it off and i just laughed i said i can't do it i can't do it and i left she was like really and i said yeah i go look there's some things you're better at than i am you're just better at this right so i leave she goes well you're you go and I said I'm going to go watch the red so she goes well come down here and watch it so I said okay

so then I went upstairs and she told me how her tire pressure was down and uh I was trying to remember how to do that because I knew I had the tire pressure fucking thing you know you stick the thing on there so you don't overinflate you don't under inflate I'm looking up that we got a little water bubbleer we're all out of water it's a good opportunity to clean the fucking thing I'm looking at shit like that when I'm up there so uh I didn't go back downstairs and she came upstairs and she came upstairs and there's fucking pissed at me. Because she spent like, whatever, the next 15 minutes trying to get ready with my daughter downstairs, which I understand.

That must have been a pain in the ass, but I was up there fucking, you know. Yeah, so yeah, she gets in a mood. Now she's in a mood. Not yelling. You know? Not flipping out. Just in a mood. You know, you know when they get in a fucking mood?

They get this look on their face. They stop looking at you and they make sure that they keep walking. into the room that you're in, you know, as you talk to them and they barely say anything back. So do you know what? So you know what? Come on, guys. Let's learn something here.

So you are aware that she's in a what? A mood. Oh, Jesus. Somebody's in a mood. I'm sorry. Did I do 99 out of 100 things? Jesus, fucking Christ. So she's in a fucking mood.

then I got to go out, you know, because I got my fucked up driveway. I got to get my car out of the way, bring her fucking car out because you got to get the fucking air and the tires. Oh, and I'm out to, oh, you think I'm mudder? I put on a clinic of muttering.

Huh? Fucking take the kid up the goddamn fucking hill. Come down and make a fuckerfuckers. Fucking blah, that day, and clean out the water bubble. And I got to come home. Venice!

Right? Henry Hill. So that's it. And I'm like, all right, I will match your mood with an even dumber mood. So that's it. So then she starts to sense that I'm in a fucking mood.

Now, her mood put me in a fucking mood. Now she's sensing that I'm in this fucking mood. So now all of a sudden, what does she do? She starts flipping it around being nice. Right? And I'm just giving her fucking quick answers. Like Jerry Lewis, rest his soul. Passed away today.

Dick Gregory a few days ago. And now Jerry Lewis. Jerry Lewis arguably One of the funniest human beings that ever lived Ever lived he actually spoke at my college graduation And he was phenomenal He did the parent Student breakfast

And when he did that he was crazy Jerry And then when he spoke in my college He was coming down the aisle He was still crazy You know they bring people in Yeah Da da da da da and I'll fucking the fucking with the dean and all those people come down with their

we have a special colored tassel you know we're higher than you you know they come down in their robes well he was coming down and he put his hands on the shoulder of the person in front of him he had one of those dumb hats on two and he put his hands and when he walked down he was just going wha he came down and everyone was dying laughing but when he went to give the speech he was telethon jerry it was great you got to see the full gamut of the guy Absolutely love that guy. That guy made me laugh like nobody's business. So very sad day.

And Dick Gregory, I learned about him. Obviously, being a comedian a long time ago, read that book, Callas on my soul. All those stories about him being one of the first black guys to ever work like white rooms. You know, the Playboy Mansion in Chicago playing that. Because what's his face there? Hugh Hefner was cool enough to let him play there. So rest and peace to both of them. So anyway, so now it's all pales in comparison to those two comedy giants.

All right. So I match my wife's mood with my mood. All right. So now she's, now she's trying to be nice to get me out of my fucking mood. Because then she realizes, this is all silent, by the way. This is all body language, all curt little answers, one of these things. Now she realizes that, oh, I took my mood too far. I overly made my point, which justified him now being in his fucking mood.

right so then at some point she finally just goes hey are you just going to like she goes are you going to be in a bad mood for the rest of the day I'm like I'm not in a bad mood

I'm in a great mood we have an awesome house I tell jokes for a living we're going to go out today I'm in a good mood I have the day off I am in a good mood you on the other hand I don't know she goes I'm over it

I'm over I go fine so what you're just going to like you know like not talk to me i said look we're going out shopping for kids shoes the second i see kids shoes it just puts me in a good mood they're they're they're fucking adorable those little jordons the little shelltoes it's the kids clothes are the cutest fucking things ever they're not even for kids they're for adults see some little sport code you're like no you're right you can't help it so i told her i said just let me get to the fucking kids sneakers and then that'll put me in a better fucking mood um do you know what i saw today it's

some fucking um over on lebraia they got this they got this store it's just all these crazy signs and all of this basically junk just shit from businesses that shut down or a remodeled and this guy just has all these fucking sad sad dim and when's that so I'm walking up, and they actually had the old school, the little McDonald's arch with the arrow that said drive-thru, open 24 hours. That's what put me in a good mood. All the childhood memories. We were a McDonald's family. We were not a Burger King family.

That was a big thing back then. You know, nobody talked politics. You didn't talk fucking religion. Okay, you talked about sports and what do you like better? Coca- Pepsi. Coca Pepsi, McDonald's, a Burger King. Those were the big fucking debates back then. And I was, we were a McDonald's fucking family.

We used to go to this McDonald's. I don't even know where the fuck it was. It was like in Peabody or North Reading. Way back in the early 70s. It was near these railroad tracks. And I remember there was these fucking seagulls and pigeons and shit. and you'd be eating outside and then throwing them french fries and then you got to see a train go by

and it was the cool this is like pre-i-pads pre-fucking you know internet there was nothing to do cartoons we our UHF antenna was busted I could only watch cartoons on Saturday so this was a big fucking deal I'd always get a cheeseburger small fry and a chocolate shake that's what the fuck I had you know for a long fucking time passed when it wasn't filling me up, you know, but you were afraid of your dad. It's like, I'm not going to ask for a quarter pound

with cheese. I don't know, I don't know what this is going to do. To the whole dynamic, everybody's in a good mood. I'm not, I'm not going to try to fucking go up a size here. That's how Americans got fat. Once dad became, dads became their kids' friends, they weren't afraid to fucking supersize their meals. The last four years of ordering a cheeseburger,

small fry, a chocolate shake. I was still, I was fucking starving at the end of it. eyeballing my younger brother's cheeseburger. Like, you're going to fucking finish that? Huh? You're a little fucking gummy bear. You got your fucking teeth. I'll eat it.

So anyways, I saw that thing today and I was just like, I would fuck it. I'm not into junk. I'm not into stuff, but there's something about that thing. I just think it's fucking cool to get it fixed up as the fucking base was all bent and shit. but to fix that fucking thing up I was like I just I was like I'll stick that at the end of my driveway had that thing lit up

my laugh's like you know Say our neighbors would hate us It's like I know they hate us I would never stick it out there If I had like you know If I had some giant fucking house right

You know And there was some sort of I don't know what You know those fucking houses is those Republicans have them, you know. I'm not saying there's not rich liberals, but the Republicans live in those states where you can fucking have a house

and then another house on your property. You know, you have an old barn. You know, you just let your wife, your wife gets the fucking house. I'm telling you, this is my fucking dream. My dream, right? You know, but I mean, I would love to live. I can't live out there.

In a racial couple. I can go out there into fucking Nazi land. You know, all these fucking people marching around. But anyways, I would love to have a fucking old house in one of those states that still has clean air, if it even exists. And you just got a giant fucking what used to be a barn. And on the bottom, you'd have your daily driver, your classic car, and like a fucking sick motorcycle. all right and then up top i'd have it fucking closed there'd be a i always told you this be a drum room fucking place to work out and the rest of it is just a fucking cigar bar you know and in some

stupid fucking reason i would find a place for that mcdonald's drive-thru side you know and the more my wife hated it the more it would drive me into the barn um anyways let's read some advertising here for this week shall we I always hit it that Burger King try to act like our burgers are flame broiled. Yeah, and then frozen and driven in a fucking truck across the country. You know, you used to always show that in the commercial. Like they're sitting there with some fucking open grill back there cooking these fucking things. They're not cooking these things.

But look who's here. Oh my God. Boop. You know, I'm one race behind with the MotoGP. Mark, Marquez. I really fucking. enjoy that and i actually i think i like it better than formula one because there's all kinds of passing there's no passing in formula one it seems after you know as far as the first guy

that's my big complaint and then they're like all this amazing racing in position four and five and six well fucking show that um anyways let me let me just plow ahead here uh me undies No, no, I already did that. Let me ask, no, I'll read the questions for this week. This is what I'm supposed to be doing. All right. Okay, boyfriends, Facebook. Oh, this is never good.

All right. Hi, Bill. Straight to the point. Me and my boyfriend, we've been together for two years now and we're happy, smiley face. The thing that concerns me is that a few times on his Facebook messenger, I saw that he is writing on a weekly basis with an ex-college, a colleague of his, a beautiful young lady. The thing is that they were close at work back then, but he quit three months ago. And I just don't believe in male-female friendships. I'm talking from experience.

Also, when we were one, basically, if we're having a conversation, if we're talking, eventually we're going to fuck is what you're saying. Also, when we're watching some videos and stuff on his phone in the search field, I saw a list of a few girls' names. Other than that, he has been great to me and hasn't shown any sense. signs of a man whore yet am i too suspicious or do i have the right to worry thanks and go fuck yourself i don't fuck that's not enough that's not enough information um i wouldn't you know this ex-collig that's a beautiful lady yeah that's weird that's you're right that's

fucking weird um i don't know about the fucking phone shit that's uh i have no idea i have no idea what that's about but that that thing there yeah that's definitely a red flag you know what i mean like well put yourself in his position if you were fucking you know close with some guy and you left the job three months ago and you still chat on facebook and you know here's the thing about women that they can sit there and be like oh i thought we were just friends they seem to be able to get away with that but i would always say to the woman i was with them's like listen can i tell you something that guy wants to fuck you okay i don't care how much you have in common and how you both like fucking uh rosay or whatever the fuck it is and he really listens to you when you talk he wants

to fuck you um yeah so i don't know what you do there because you went on his facebook and you're snooping so that's one of the thing you know if you're gonna pull that uh-huh moment you better be right because if you're not then they get to play the you know how dare you snoop you know how dare you fucking snoop on me it's just like i mean don't women have the out why are you snooping on me uh because you have a dick sir that's why i trust you i don't trust your dick all right missed opportunity so i i i would bring it up i don't know if you bring it i don't have enough information that was a really quick and to the point which i I really appreciate.

But watching some videos and stuff. In the search field, I saw a list of a few girls' names. That's not good either. I don't fucking know, but I don't know who the girls are. But that there, right there, that fucking ex-colleg think, I don't know. I don't know. That seems like a blowjob in the future to me. That's what I, if I was standing in front of a green screen, a little meteorologist,

there'd be a fucking, you know, dick floating towards a woman with their mouth open. Down south. All right. Missed opportunity. Hey, Billy Buckaroo. I'm going back to school soon within the next week, actually. I got an offer a couple days ago to register for a class this upcoming semester that is essentially a paid internship. It entailed working with a company called Sun Corporation.

Why is my stomach growling? Because I'm on a diet called Sun Corporation on a software project. If you complete the internship, you get paid a couple hundred dollars, like two or three hundred. And of course, something worth putting on your resume for job hunting. But the thing is that I turned it down. I didn't think it would mean that much to take it as I don't really need the money. And software engineering majors are, for the most part, guaranteed a job after graduation. Plus, I only have one semester left, and it's looking like it's going to be pretty tough.

And it's looking like it's going to be pretty tough anyway. All right. So you got a constraint? schools what's the problem he says however i cannot help feel a bit pissed off of myself for saying no it's one of those things that has virtually no negatives to it i get to i get work experience and money what more could i need anyway i can't help but see this as a wasted opportunity my question to you is have you ever been offered an opportunity in your community career that you've pissed out pussyed out on and then heavily regretted later and can you offer me advice on this

thanks and go fuck yourself all right first of all dude it's a fucking internship it's your semester it's going to be tough you know you want to fucking go out and party a little bit it's not the worst thing it's not the end of the fucking world and absolutely i had um oh my god all kinds of times i pussyed out early in my career i was afraid i was afraid to go on stage i was afraid of bombing i was afraid of the whole fucking thing so yeah that was a whole bunch of times that i did um so what i would do I started to do in moments like that. If my fucking stomach will start, I got to eat dinner.

I was good today. For lunch, I had lentil soup and a fucking salad. And, you know, I've just been trying. I'm laying off the booze. I don't eat fucking sweets, you know. The writer's room, we have fucking Fridays and where we just order whatever we want. And, uh, fucking, they got barbecue. And I just, you know, that's like, at my age, that's, that's like nap food.

It's really like drinking like fucking night quill or some shit, so I can't do that. Anyways, let's see. How would I answer? Sorry, just click that fucking elbow at the button there. How would I answer this? I would basically say, what I did was I always remember what it felt like when I pussyed out that night. When I put my head down on the pillow, my big Charlie Brown fucking head, I put it down on the pillow and I just would always remember like, that awful feeling of pussy and out, you know?

And then I, so then the next time that moment happened, I'd be like, all right, tonight, whether I kill, whether I bomb, whether I just do okay, I'm going to feel way better than if I didn't even try. So, but I think you're being too hard on yourself on this one. I mean, you didn't pussy out. You just said no. It seemed like you weighed your options. If you were too afraid to do it, then I would say that you're pussyed out.

But I don't think you did. but I don't know if your reasons for doing it were different you know if there was some sort of fear involved you got to figure out why you did it and then you got to forgive yourself for doing it because it's part of

like you know you got to fail to succeed right remember that Michael Jordan commercial you know missed all those shots missed all those shot I failed over and over and over and over and over again that is why I succeed there you go same fucking thing same fucking thing

All right, nose job. Dear Billy Mooselle, Alex. What? Hello? See, have my daughter yelling at me in there? She does this hilarious thing. When you're on the phone, you have it on speaker. She sees you talking into it, and she just goes,

what are you yelling about? I can't find a single pass of all. You know, I was telling them that story of how, you know, I did all that stuff for you this morning. Then you got into a mood. So then I matched your mood with my mood. And then we had that little game that you play. Well, then you try to be nice to get me out of my mood. You know that little thing?

No, I don't know what you're talking about. Nia. I don't know what you're talking about. Nia. What do you want me to say? You know what I'm saying. Well, I don't know what he's talking about either. Nia.

What? What? what that's funny game or you know you go into a mood and then then then it puts me in a mood then you go okay maybe i took my mood too far so now i'll be the one to turn it around and then you know me you always got to fucking pull me out of the anger mud right fine yeah sure oh yeah can you tell guys you're hearing a voice i want look how beautiful you are i gotta find that pacify hey buddy how you like the computer anything with the screen on it you like what are you yelling for

It's because you've got half my DNA. Is that what the problem is? You realize as you grow up, every time you screw up, I'm going to get blamed for that? Because I'm the screw up in this relationship. That's right. Talk to the people. Tell the people what you're feeling. Huh?

What do you got there? What are your feelings about global warming? What should we do? Nothing. the baby senator was surprisingly quiet on some of the biggest issues out there hey how you like and uh you loving the avocados aren't you the mushed up avocados you like him she's shy she has she have mike fright she doesn't know what it is it's probably she didn't grab it all right here we go hey somebody's going to ask a question

about a nose job some reason my fuck oops sorry don't mean to curse here my stomach is growling I'm hungry too yeah all right nose job Dear Billy, Mooselle, Alex. White, like the Mooselle. I'm a 43-year-old married father of two. Yeah, you like that. I'm very happy with my life, but could use some advice. You see, I have a schnaz.

Oh, my God, do this, your nose is still bugging. You're 43? You're married. A woman loves you. You got a couple of kids. A real honker. A really big nose. Hey, I'll tell you, I got a big nose over here.

Now you want to talk. I've been able to get by with a successful life, career, and marriage. But in the back of my mind, okay, in the back of my mind and whenever I look in the mirror, I just can't get over my nose. I kind of look like old joke groucho marks. Oh, those old joe groucho marks with the glasses, without glasses. Now my question is,

Why are you yelling? I gave you the floor and you didn't want to talk and now you're yelling there, cutie? What are you doing? Huh? What do you say there, wrinkles? My little sharp hey? All right. Where am I?

Now my question is, being that I've come this far in life at my age, do you think it's super vain or silly to get surgery done? Money or wife is not an issue. I just think it's silly of me to really want to do this, but it's really affecting me where I don't want to look at myself in the mirror when I shave or put on contacts. Thank for the advice and go Yankeesh.

Let's go Yikes! Guess we're in New York. I guess we're in New York, huh? Go Yankaj! The greatest promo ever. Wheel of Fortune, if you can ever find it. When they went to New York. I guess we're in New York, huh?

that was it two second clip um here's a thing too i actually don't get surgery yeah you got to learn to love yourself and here's the thing when you got a friggin giant nose it's really defines your face like people that's what you look like and when you shave that thing down you're not gonna look like yourself anymore and people are going to be like you know i bet i bet you'll what's wrong with you. I bet maybe if I talk quieter. I bet that the only person that really has issue with your nose is you.

You know, your wife loves you, your kids love you, you got friends, you're fine. I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. Okay? You think that I haven't looked into whatever Michael Jackson

had bleached out of him to put a little bit of that in me so I can wear shorts. Can I have some of that leftover pigment? Look, you're always going to have something about yourself that you don't like. I am a firm believer in just keeping yourself in shape, yelling over a baby, and basically, you know, aging naturally. You look way better, all right? Whoever makes us knows what they're doing.

However, if you're going to go that road, I don't know. I don't know. You better make sure you find somebody good. Exactly. Because you could end up like that chick from Dirty Dancing, what I thought was gorgeous, and I loved her nose. Yeah. I love the nose. I mean, I think she looks beautiful.

Yeah, she knows, I know, I know. She looks so cute. She got a lead in the movie with that nose. Barbara Streisand. Who else has a very strong nose? Sarah, Jessica Parker. Who are the guys that have, like, strong nose? Joe Bartnick.

Joe Bartnick. Joe Bartnick. Yeah, that was that lady. that lady when she made fun of his nose and he said you need to lose about 40 pounds before you talk to me bitch one of the great lines ever and then her husband turned around

when she complained took one look at Joe took one look at Joe and then started yelling at me I was like you fucking oh sorry I'm not gonna lie that's what I would have done I would have picked a smaller guy

why what are you saying what are you saying pay attention to me man she wants to talk to you oh you can talk to me anytime you want All right. Ask girlfriend's dad for hand in marriage, and he denied. Oh, no. Whoa. Okay.

We got to read this one. Whoa. Come on, baby. You got to be quiet. Okay. This one is riveting. You got to listen to this one, kiddo. All right.

Hi, sir. Hi, Sir William Burr. Hey, Long. You know what's so funny is the amount of people that are going to say mean stuff. I get it. She's cute, but I swear to God, if you bring your kid on that pocket, All right. Long time fan. Thank you for all the laughs. She got me through some hard times and I am thankful to that. All right. Well, thank you very much. Anyways, I've been dating my current girlfriend for five years come this November. I'm 25 and she is 24. I've been thinking about proposing so I decided to do an old tradition by asking her father's hand in marriage. Now, that's a classy move. The dad's like that stuff. I also asked her mother to be sure to be there.

as she is very close to both of them. I took them out to dinner and I told them how much I loved her and how much she means to me, et cetera, et cetera. Once I was done giving my speech, they just stared at me like I had three heads. They didn't give me their blessing to marry their baby and went on saying that they don't think that I get along with their... Oh, that they don't think that I'd get along with their siblings well,

and it seemed awkward when we, the family, are together. Oh my God They said that they felt like I would try to move their daughter away from her family Because of my job And she belongs with her family Oh no Should I keep dating hoping that something changes Or that the relationship with her parents can't be repaired

Or should I just give up on this five-year relationship Any help would be greatly appreciated thanks First of all, that sucks Yes And I can tell you this right now. Marrying into that I know That effing nightmare

That's gonna be a nightmare Yeah you better love this girl Because I'll tell you it buddy Yeah That sounds like those parents Are gonna screw up Do they live on a compound That sounds like the Ray Burns

And bloodline or something You're trying to marry into one of those families Yeah I would walk He's got to talk to his girlfriend about it And be like Listen I wanted this to be a surprise But I went out and I asked your parents about getting married

because I wanted to do it the right way and this is what they told me and see what she says like and I think you just kind of go from there but yeah what are they like Freemasons or something you know you marry into the family too so if you don't get along with them on that level and they're already looking at you like

this sounds like some blue blood yeah I don't know you know the hedges never need clipping her away is she the youngest is she like what I'm just I'm curious as to did you not see this coming whatsoever? Because I would find that a little hard to believe. But maybe he hadn't spent much time with the family. Well, if he didn't see it coming, that would mean that he's a dope.

And maybe that's why they don't want him to marry the kid. This guy's got no anticipation skills. He doesn't see what's the hand in front of his face. Like, obviously, you know that you don't get along with the siblings. I feel like that probably wasn't a surprise to you. It sounds like nobody in the family likes you but that woman. Yeah. So she's going to have to then make a decision, you or them, which is very romantic for somebody in their 20s, but eventually as you start having kids and stuff, Christmases and all that are, oh, dude, I don't know how much you love her, but this would be a great thing to walk away from if you could do it.

That's five years. That's a long, you know, no, he's 25. It's, it's a five years. 25. The first three years, he shouldn't have been in a relationship. You got to be a free agent in college. you gotta you gotta get the lay of the land out there no pun intended over there

yeah maybe they think you're just too young well no they said why they don't approve so I think you if you're really you gotta talk to your girl about it they don't like them uh yeah you gotta talk to your girl and see what she says

do a favor just dump her so then she doesn't know why and then she won't blame her families because you're not gonna marry into that I would leave I would leave right now okay we're moving on to the next question I would leave No, you wouldn't.

He's got to talk to her about it. Oh, in my 20s, I wouldn't have because I wouldn't have been smart enough. But in my 40s, if your family was just like, yeah, you know, we just don't like you, dude. And I would just be like, all right. Well, yeah, and I agree with that, but he has to talk to her about it. You got to tell her what happened. Can you get the little crazy person here crawling all over me? Where'd your passie go?

She just dropped it. She just dropped it. It's right here. She's going for the computer. I'm in that lanyard. Oh, there is. Here you go, buddy. Here you go.

Okay, come here. All right. Let's look at the last one. Girlfriend's sociopathic mother. Uh-oh. Anya, can you give a woman, because women never write into this podcast, because I'm such an asshole.

Can you give some quick advice here? This woman went on Facebook. She's been with this guy for two years. She says they're happy. He does everything right. Everything's fine. But she checked his Facebook. Why?

Because you guys. If they're happy and everything is knowing okay. Why did you check to see how much my check was for today? Bill! Huh? Oh my God. I can't believe you're just putting me out on Front Street like that. Because you guys snoop. It's what you do. Anyways.

I was just curious. See, now you're going to have everybody with the gold-digging W-H-O-R-E comments. That's not why you did it. It's because we did a job together and you wanted to see what I made versus, yeah, job back each for the family. The job back ease for the family. Yeah, and you wanted to see how much I made versus what you made. Obviously, I know you're going to make way more than I make, okay? I was just happened to be there.

I mean, they did request me, but that's a whole other story. Anyway, boyfriend's Facebook, straight to the point. Wait, wait, wait, wait, let's go back to the check there. Why? Because I like watching you twist on the awkwardness that I live in day to day. So anyway, she goes to check the Facebook Messenger And she said, I saw that he is writing on a weekly basis With an ex-colleague of his, a beautiful young lady

The thing is that they were close at work back then But he quit three months ago Okay, keep going That's it And what? I just don't believe in male-female friendships I'm talking from experience Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap, bha, what do you say?

What do you say? What are you doing? Go back. Also when we're watching some videos and stuff on his phone and the search, I saw a list of a few girls' names. Other than that, he's great to me. Yeah, listen, this is why you don't go snooping in social media or in phones, because if you find something. Because the thing is, if you are looking in that direction, you're looking for something. So any little thing, no matter how innocent, is going to get you all fucked up in the head. So if you're going to go looking for stuff, you're going to go find stuff.

So either drop it or confess that you've been a little snoopy snoop and you're paranoid and you're insecure. But I think you should just zip it and move on and not look at his social media or his phone anymore. Wow. I said she should actually ask him about that guy. But you're the lady. I would listen to the lady here. Well, I said either one, you've got to like fess up and be like, listen, I've been feeling kind of insecure lately. and I went in your Facebook

and I saw that you messengers somebody and first of all I apologize for invading your privacy because I wouldn't appreciate it if you did that to me but second of all But since I've done it Who is this bitch? All right Girlfriend's sociopathic

But you know you're wrong for looking in this Facebook And you know you're wrong for looking in this phone You're wrong for that So just know that Girlfriend's sociopathic mother Hey, Billy Boole, I can't say that in front of her. She doesn't know what that word is. I know, but still.

Not sure if this is the right place for MM questions, but I'm in dire need of red-headed C-note wisdom. So I've been dating this lady for about a year now, and her mother is a next-level piece of crap. There are countless examples of her psychopathic... Of her psychopath. Wait, there are countless examples, her psychopathy. They always leave out words.

I already read bad enough. But to trim the fat on the story, I'll cite a couple of scenarios. She has repeatedly asked me whether I use protection whilst banging her daughter. And when I've responded, yes, she goes on to say she has no evidence that I do use protection. What would there be evidence? Where would there be evidence? no effing clue unless you're banging her house and she's checking the

waste paper basket. She doesn't want her daughter to get pregnant. I am 21 years old and she has called my mother on multiple occasions to ask to meet up with her and my girlfriend, dad, to talk about my girlfriend and I. My mother's obviously declined the invitation and yet she's continued to persist.

Other than that, she is the helicopter parent of the century and calls my girlfriend at least 15 times a day to tell her how to live her life. I hate this woman with a burning passion, but I don't know what to do about it with my girlfriend. My girlfriend has tried to set bounties with the mother, but has had no luck. Well, just don't answer the phone.

I think about the future, and I never want to see this woman again, let alone have her be in the law, being in-law, or the grandparent to my children. I'd love to hear what you think. Thanks and go F yourself. Yeah, I mean, this, see, where this guy's thinking at 21, that other guy should have been thinking at 25, but you're going to marry into that. So, I mean, you're young enough. Your girlfriend's only a few years out of the house

But she needs, just don't answer the phone Yeah, she just doesn't, she's worried Her daughter's too young And is gonna like leave her forever And all that stuff She's like attached I don't think she's a sociopath Who's kid who? Neither one of us know this woman

Neither one of us know this woman We don't have enough information But we're going up, we have to go off of what people write to us That's the only way that we can We have to like go all in It's like when you watch a TV show You're just got to watch it You can't be like

Well that would never happen blah, blah, blah, blah, you just got to like... This isn't Dr. Filda. I'm not pretending to, like, solve somebody's problems within 22 minutes. You need to stop punching her in the face and stop doing meth. Okay, when we return. Yeah, you got to talk to your girl. Obviously, your girlfriend knows.

But yeah, you just got to ignore the mother. Yeah, just ignore. But, yeah. No, if she's... If she's calling, like, 15 times a day... And she's asking about their sex life and she's calling their parents. Yeah, that's weird.

That's really, that's crossing the line. Shove it off to Buffalo. Yeah, you got to respect your kids' boundaries, like their own personal space. You can't be calling somebody's boyfriend asking them if they're using protection. Ask your daughter if she's on the pill. And if she's not, get her some.

Otherwise, what are you calling me for, lady? Yeah, that's weird. Jesus. Get your paws out of my pants there, lady. Exactly. All right. That is the podcast for this week. Congratulations to me.

For winning all this money on the Red Sox. Sox making baseball exciting by gambling. There's your lesson. You are so adorable. And all you do is smile. Ah, happy, baby? I'm so happy. Been in a good mood all day.

Look at you. She's getting mobile, everybody. And anything that she sees. she wants to get her hands on and then she gets her hands on and then she wants to go to something else and I'm going to tell you something right now nobody can flip over faster than this one by the way shout out to Rick Flair I'm hoping he's doing better I heard that he's recovering and I'm looking forward to seeing him doing the flare chop the flare strut the flop all of it absolute legend we already lost one of the funniest guys of all time

Jerry Lewis Yeah Dick Gregory Do you realize How many stories Went with those two guys Just today Yeah

And forget about Don Rickles That just closes A porthole To like Sinatra The whole rat pack Red Fox

Richard Pryor All of that That porthole just closed So I hope somebody Made a documentary All right That's the podcast Everybody

Oh did I tell you About my dad Saved today On the couch She was about ready to face plant right off And I just like lightning quick nea Lightning quick Like a freckled pasty cobra

I was able to grab her All right that's it She's trying to She's going for the mixer here All right you guys I will I'll check in on you on you on Thursday Set a nice because of kids here

All right see All right All right B. B. B. I'm B.

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I'm going to I'm going and so on I'm going to be. I'm going to be. I'm going to I'm going to I'm going to be.