Monday Morning Podcast - Cosmetic Dentistry, Blood Money, Blackouts | Monday Morning Podcast 5-5-25

Episode Date: May 5, 2025

Bill rambles about cosmetic dentistry scams, blood money, and blackout preparedness. Helix:  Go to www.HelixSleep.com/BURR for 27% Off Sitewide + Free Bedding Bundle (Sheet Set and Mattress Protector) with any Luxe or Elite Mattress Order OpenPhone:  Go to www.OpenPhone.com/BURR  and get 20% off your first six months. 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 5th, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Nice to see ya. Well, I can't see ya, but you know, I'm thinking about ya. And isn't that all we want? Isn't that what everybody's talking about? You just want to be seen. I just want to be seen. I don't feel seen. I don't feel heard. New York, gotta put the chain on the door. Anyway, May 5th, Api Cinco de Mayo to Mexican people.

You know, that's their holiday, right? Liberation is something they never taught us. I never heard of Cinco de Mayo until I moved to LA. It was completely left off the books. 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue, the Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria, the fucking the pilgrims. They came over and evidently they had hats with buckles on them. Which I don't know if that was ever proven. Like how do they know what the fuck they wore back then? Is that just all made up? You know, once we pass the hat down? And there was there was no cameras. He's fucking archaeologists, they just they just they just making up shit.

Taking shit out of their closet and they're fucking with it. And then hey, you know, I was digging around in the dirt. Oh yeah, you're just digging around? That's what you do? You just start digging in the ground and all of a sudden you find a fucking hat and then you can figure out when it's from. It's kind of weird, huh?

How do they do that? I get it when like, you know, some fucking psycho corporation is digging into a fucking mountain and they find some dinosaur bones and then they go keep it quiet because we got to get the fucking stuff out of here you know so we can go sell it and then somebody who likes Jurassic Park is like hey man like we got to let them know we found the stegosaurus. And they're like, god damn it, these fucking dinosaur hippies.

And then they fucking dig, I get that. But like, as far as like a paleontologist, you just don't dig around, do you? Like someone else was digging around and then they went, whoa. That's literally, that's a direct quote. Whoa, like what the fuck is this? You know, if it's human,'s a direct quote. Whoa, like what the fuck is this? You know

If it's human you call the cops if it looks like a fucking dinosaur you What is 911 for a paleontologist do they have their own little hotline is it 811 In your panic you have a fucking axe murderer coming through and you accidentally An axe murderer, I think you wanted 911. Bitch, I need somebody to call... Um, sorry. I drank some NyQuil. You know? And not even because I'm sick, I just like the way it tastes. I miss doing a boozy shot at the end of night, so I'm going to become one of those CVS drunks. You know? That fucking... chugs milk of magnesium or whatever they do. That's pretty ingenious that someone can go into a drug store and figure out how to get

shit-faced. I understand how you could go in there and get high on some pills or whatever they have going on with whatever those people are, pharmacists. with whatever those people are, pharmacists. Like pharmacists live in that middle ground between dentist and hygienist, you know? Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha assist on the in the medical world. You know. Let me see if I can do this. I think the lowest level.

In orderly. In orderly is just a guy that pushes people around in wheelchairs. And he wears the scrubs, but he has no medical background. Right. He's the guy that follows the local sports teams. He was the guy back in the day that if you needed weed he could get it if coke, you might have to make a few phone calls. That was an orderly. Then you had the next step was a nurse. Right. And then who the fuck was it after that? No.

I would go orderly hygienist, pharmacist. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I would go orderly pharmacist, hygienist, dentist, in the coaching tree of dentistry, everything from an actual dentist to an orthodontist, to those fucking creeps that just do cosmetics, dentistry. I just do cosmetic dentistry. Those fucking guys are money grubbing cunts.

Money grubbing cunts. Money grubbin' cunts. That's all they... I mean, you can get that with a dentist, but I was in the dentistry world for a while. And, uh, for five years. And I could tell you this. I worked with dentists that were cool, I worked with dentists that were okay, and then, you know, I... there was a couple of money grubbers, you know, that would be like,

you know, they just wanted people with private insurance. They were there to get their fucking money, you know? And I used to think like, wow, man, that's really fucked up, because you're working on somebody's mouth, and if you're drilling teeth that don't need to be drilled, or you're overcharged, there's just something fucked up about that. You're taking away a part of this person's mouth, and if you're drilling teeth that don't need to be drilled or you're overcharged, there's just something fucked up about that.

You're taking away a part of this person's body, you fucking lunatic, and I thought those guys were bad, but then, then I met a cosmetic dentist. Sounds like I was on a dating app, but then I met one, no, I had one. I thought it was just a dentist, and it wasn't. It was a cosmetic dentist, and I didn't realize, I didn't realize it for like two fucking years.

And I was just, and I finally, like the dude was not interested in cavities. Like all he wanted to do was like fucking, Invisalign, you know, I got a couple teeth, you know, from grinding him being a psycho. Like he wanted to do shit to that. I was like, no, I got a couple teeth, you know, from grinding him, being a psycho, like he wanted to do shit to that. I was like, no, I'm fine.

He's like, oh, what do you like, the rugged look? It's like, that was the last thing. I was like, dude, shut the fuck up. Then I noticed in his waiting room, he had a picture of him at like some steak house. That was a picture and he had these giant fucking white teeth that I'm like, this guy looks like a game show host. I'm out of here.

Now I have a dentist again. But typical me me I should have looked at the red flags but it still took me two years to get out of there but fortunately I got out of there unscathed. I would always make up an excuse before he came I gotta get out of here I gotta get out of here I got every time I went in there they needed a full fucking thing of x-rays. It's like you just got one you just got one you're not lighting up my head every time I fucking come in here. You know? Because you just get you just became a member at some golf club. I'm not even saying any of that was going on.

That was just the vibe. So now I just have a dentist. You know, she's cool as shit. What do you think about this? I think you'll be fine. That's what you want. All right, so then dentist, then it would go nurse, and then doctor, and then health insurance company. I don't know how it works anyway, I Saw last week's Moto GP. I don't know if they had a race again this week I think they're off this week and I saw the one in Spain

Congratulations to Alex Marquez his first Moto GP victory of his career He wrote an amazing race Mark Marquezquez wiped out, got back on his bike and still was able to finish like 12th or something like that. But I think Alex is in the points lead by one point over his brother Mark who is the first person ever to win five sprints in a row. And Fabio Quattrora had a great race too. I don't know, it's shaping up to be a good season. I was worried that Mark was just, he would be, if he didn't wipe out twice, you know, on his own accord,

if he just finished those fucking races, even in second or third, he would have a sizable lead. So it's actually, it's looking pretty good at this point. So anyway, um, I wasn't gonna say I did tonight. I did my first real standup gig. I was at the cap of the legendary Capitol Theater in, um, Port Chester, uh, New York, just on this side of New York, not quite Connecticut. So for those of you unfamiliar with upstate New York,

it's funny, they don't consider themselves upstate. That's why I like saying it. They're like, hey, fuck you upstate. I live in fucking West Chester. Upstate to them is Poughkeepsie, Albany, Ithaca. But I'm just wondering, if you leave New York City and you go through the Bronx, you keep going north, you keep going upstate. Tarrytown, Sleepy Hollow, Westchester, East

chester, Portchester. I mean, you're on the other side of New Rochelle. You're fucking upstate. I'm sorry. But they don't like that. At least in Westchester, because in Westchester they got money, you know? And when you say this dude is upstate, you know, that infers a certain financial bracket

and they don't want their homes to be lumped into upstate. There's fucking people I know that have to drive an hour, over an hour to get into the city and they're trying to tell me they don't fucking upstate anyway so I went up there with my my listed jokes this comic Drew Dunn that I've gotten to know through Instagram and then being here in New York and seeing him down the cellar is fucking hilarious. He did 20 minutes in front of me, fucking murdered. Fucking murdered. And then I went out there and I did my bullshit. Was able to go for like an hour and 15 minutes, which is great. I still didn't do three big bits, so I'm psyched I feel like when Glengarry Glen Ross ends on June 28th I

will be able to seamlessly go do my overseas gigs anyway you want to hear something funny somebody was saying cuz I was doing Abu Dhabi. Someone was giving me shit saying it was blood money. And this is like how fucking racist people are. They go, that's blood money. And on that tour, I'm going to England. They never brought up England. England isn't blood money. Oh yeah, well, is that English?

England, Great Britain, that's just salt of the earth people like no blood money. No, no blood money. Oh yeah, what is that, English, England, Great Britain, that's just salt of the earth people, like no blood, no, no blood money. That's white money. That's clean as fucking, as white as Jesus, who wasn't white, right? He was from the fucking Middle East. I really like, I just cannot,

I can't fucking do this with people anymore. It's it's like It's like sports Literally fucking sports listening to New York Yankee fans defending that stupid fucking bat the same fucking people that were backing Deflategate it's just like gee I can't I can't fucking have this conversation with you. I Can't at what you could fucking have Alright well You know that investigation was conducted by the owner of the losing team right and he found an equal number of underinflated balls But that's just fucking this bullshit. It's just like okay. I get it. I get it alright, so England is fucking wonderful

Clean money no guilt on that you know Um Anyway somebody's always got to say fucking something about something and then nobody's like talking about the real shit I swear to God if I go if I another, if baseball again this year does that fucking stand up to cancer, can somebody please hold up a sign that says thank you Monsanto instead of the name of the person? I mean, what the fuck are we doing?

I'm seeing this shit on Instagram. They're saying you put a fucking ice cream sandwich in the microwave, it doesn't melt. melt. All right, whatever. Um, any gig I do in the United States is blood, but it's all blood money. It's all blood money. And we didn't do it. They did it, but they're fucking. They're pointing at Mexicans coming They did it But they're fucking

Their point that Mexicans coming over a wall and they're doing all this other shit it's the old misdirection Get them looking at this hand why this hand's doing that over there. It's fucking I don't know whatever Anyway, so I went up there and I did I did my act and it just I'm telling you man. It just fucking Poured out of me So that's the second time I've done an hour so like I think doing this podcast helps me to stay relaxed so I don't get freaked out when I don't don't feel like I have anything to say and I just guy you know some will come and then it does. And then I fucking riff on that. And it's

fine but like the place believe me the hour needs a lot of work. That's what I was saying. In a couple of these things, I was like building up scenarios. Oh, dude, I gotta tell you a couple of things I saw at the coffee shop, right? I'm sitting outside, and there's this guy in scrubs. And looks like Charles Manson, right? Full, just beautiful full head of hair, gray,

little bit of black in it. He's got the beard and shit, but he's wearing scrubs. So he's dressed like a doctor, but he's got a head like Charles Manson and he's not wearing any shoes and yellow socks, like mustard yellow. And I'm sitting there going like, it's not a hospital around here.

I don't, if he was a doctor, he would have fucking shoes on. Cause I, you know, even with the Charles Manson head, I thought, well, all right, maybe he pleased his parents and went to medical school, but like on the weekends, he plays in a band. Like, I didn't know. But then he wasn't wearing shoes. So I was like, the fuck is with this guy? So, you know, you're living in a city, you start to know like what to pay attention to in your peripheral. Like, okay, he's sitting down. He doesn't seem to be doing anything, but I'm just going to just gonna sort of clock that guy like I don't know what the country

version of that is you know in the suburbs you know it's that neighbor that like keeps to himself or maybe like you ever see somebody that even when they smile it's still unsettling like that's the suburb version of this Charles Manson dude. And then like, out in the sticks, I would imagine it's when you haven't seen some guy's wife for a while and he he just keeps saying she went to go visit her mother. And, you know, he has pigs on his property property you just start to put two and two together so

anyway we're sitting out okay back to the city in the city um I'm just sort of clocking this guy and then he gets up and he starts walking over towards me and I'm thinking oh fuck he saw me looking at him and he starts walking over towards me. And I'm thinking, oh fuck, he saw me looking at him. And he didn't, he walked by. And then I saw he had like the patient, like they were like made out of paper almost. And I figured what he said to me.

And then he went and he sat down on another stoop on the other side of me. And then he got up and he walked back to his other spot. I said, all right, this guy's got some issues, right? But he doesn't seem to be like freaking out, right? So, inside the coffee shop, I forgot to tell you this, I go in there and the second I walk in there, there's this couple, a man and a woman in their 20s,

and I could tell the boyfriend is fucking pissed at his girlfriend. Shaking his head, he's muttering, he's giving her looks. She's completely oblivious. I come walking in, she looks over and just smiles, like how you're in a shop and you just, you know, like dumb smile, you do like,

oh, we're waiting in line, you know? She does that, right? So I'm looking at this dude, and I'm, you know, like dumb smile, you do like, oh, we're waiting in line, you know? She does that, right? So I'm looking at this dude and I'm looking at her and she's fucking clueless. This guy is muttering. Like he's putting on a muttering clinic and he's fucking side-eyeing her like you cannot fucking believe.

And she is just like this bubbly whatever, right? She gets a coffee, he gets his thing. She takes a picture of her coffee and then she does a quick little film around of the coffee shop because this is what young people have to do. They have to take a picture of everything they ate or drank and then show where they went because everybody

just has to see how fucking quaint and awesome their life is, which might be why this guy is so fucking upset. But all I know is she smiled and walked out and he was still muttering. She was like literally having a great day while the person she's dating is fucking livid at it. It was fucking amazing. And I don't know, I just like, she's dating is fucking livid at it. It was fucking amazing. And,

I don't know, I just like texted, I can't, cause I don't get this person in trouble, I texted a friend of mine, what I had seen, and I go, and she was completely oblivious. And I go, and it wasn't cause she's dumb, it's because she doesn't give a shit. So my buddy writes back, oh yeah, because they don't, they're selfish, it's ridiculous. He goes, he's going to marry her, have kids with her, and live near her family. And I fucking died laughing because it was like this... How do you say that word?

Specitivity of it? How specific it was. Like... Usually people stop with, you know, he's gonna marry and have kids and he's gonna marry and have kids and live near her family. Jesus fucking Christ. I was really like laughing because I was trying to think of a fucking scenario where a man you know your girlfriend's mad at you when

you're completely not aware of it. That happens only if they are doing this thing where like I'm fucking mad at him and I'm gonna see how fucking long it takes for him to fucking be like if they're playing like a game then you know you're not gonna know because they want you to not know because they want to be even madder than you they're just they're just they're gary they just need they need one they just need they just need a fucking fight you know what I Like, and what they're really doing is they're just dragging you into their cycle.

You know, it's just like, I'm hormonally fucking crazy three out of four weeks because that's how God made me. So I'm not going, I'm taking you down with the rats. You know? Why can't you just take that? Take that for the team. Because no matter how bad your cycle is, and how much you have to fucking deal with that shit,

I die before you. Nothing trumps that. Can you imagine saying that on some fucking woman show? They would figure out a way where their cycle was worse than living a shorter life. LAUGHS their cycle was worth than living a shorter life. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. You know what I said to my, oh, I've said, I have said so much stupid shit to my wife. One time she was, I mean, I was being a dick on purpose.

She was like, oh my God, you know, my period started today, I'm fucking, you know, it's really bad, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just was like, yeah, you know, you get it every month. Like, when are you going to get used to it? I mean, my fucking back goes out like, you know, a couple times a year. It's talking to me every day. But, you know, I you don't have to hear about it. Well, that's what I said. It was the beginning of the football season.

And I was like, you got your period. You're not playing in the NFL. And she just, she just looked at me and laughed and said, what the fuck did you just say to me? I was like, I'm just kidding. I love you, I'm just fucking around. And then she just died laughing. There is an art form to that, by the way, saying something so fucking stupid and ridiculously rude

that they can't even get mad. They have to laugh because it's just so fucking out of bounds. But I do have to say, if you fuck that up, oh, it's almost not worth doing it, but if it's really funny, you kind of have to do it. I'm not saying I do it every time. Listen, I'm not even, I probably have the same average as like an NBA three-point shooter, which I guess at this point is everybody. And what are they, if you shoot like 35%,

that's just so funny about these stupid fucking three-pointers everybody's taking. If you shoot 35 percent, they're fucking ecstatic or something like that. It's like you realize a layup. There's nobody underneath. There's literally nobody underneath. If you just go in and lay it up, a three-pointer is only one more point than that. And the odds of a layup going in are a lot higher than a three-pointer, and the odds

of going in and drawing a foul are way higher than when you're behind the arc. I don't understand why the athletes let the nerds run the game now. Having said that, I watched the end of that Knicks game where they closed out the fucking Pistons I don't understand how anybody has the stomach To sit through a fucking NBA game the amount of back-and-forth Remember seeing that like it was like eight minutes left. I'm like, you know The Knicks got it, which is why the Pistons are gonna come back They was like stuck at a hundred and three or a hundred and five points for like a half an hour

Which was like three minutes of game time in the NBA But they ended up they ended up closing them out so which is great because because I didn't want to have to listen to these fucking Nick fans whining again this year after all this shit. Every fucking year, they'll tell you the level of shit that they talk. Hey, musicians, stop writing songs about New York. These people's egos are way out of control. That's one of the most fascinating things in sports.

Overly confident Nick fans. Shit talking Nick fans. They haven't won in 52 fucking years. That I was out after Glengarry the other night, right? Signing up the bulletins, whatever the fuck you call them. The press releases, what can I ever, programs. Flyers, what the fuck? Programs doesn't sound right, but it does. Playbill, signing the fuck? Programs doesn't sound right, but it does. Playbill. Signing the Playbills. And, uh...

Some Nick fan said something about the Celtics. And I literally just stopped and go, what did you just say? You talking shit about the Celtics? We're the defending NBA champions. We have 18 world championships. You got two. You haven't won in 52 years. Shut the fuck up. Did you enjoy the play? Talk about that. Fucking sit here. I don't want to fucking listen to any more confident fucking Nick fans. You know what's funny too is if I don't know, I don't pay attention to it, but if they played the Celtics this year and they beat us in the playoffs, they will act like they've owned

us for the entire and so will ESPN because you know ESPN fucking blows New York City. You know, they just drop to their knees anytime anything happens in New York. Oh my god. Um and did it happen in New York? Oh my god. Did they win something with their 58 **** teams in every sport? Um it really is one of the worst sports towns there are just for the sheer amount of teams that they have, you know, versus the amount of championships they have. Thank God for the New York Yankees. Everybody else gets graded on a fucking curve. Giants too. Giants are respectable.

Oh, and you know what, did I tell you I finally figured out why they don't count NFL titles? They don't count it because they didn't absorb the AFL they merged with it it was a merger so even though it was still the NFL they started over which is really weird because it really is like the NFL absorbed the AFL, I feel. I don't know. The whole thing is strange to me because right now, if you have six Super Bowls, I've presented this a million times, like Pittsburgh and the Patriots, somehow you're the fucking Lakers and Celtics of the NFL when the Giants and the Green Bay Packers have the most NFL titles. Giants have a... I want to

say quite a few. I looked this up one time. It's really weird but they're all just... it's just all gone. Like the Green Bay Packers were Title Town. That was the nickname of Green Bay, Wisconsin. And then right at the end of their run, Vince Lombardi leaves, everything's fucking over. And I guess retroactively, they called those NFL-AFL games the first and second Super Bowls. So they did get those too. But, um, I dunno, their 11 NFL titles were just like, yeah, starting a fresh slate here, fellas. Don't know what to tell you. Um,

all right. Anyway, so I told you, I'm trying to like, not go on Instagram after 6 p.m. I am so fucking addicted to that shit. I've already five times opened it and went no and had to shut it off. So shout out to all of those fucking nerds out there that figured out how to make it super addictive. I need to go back to reading.

Um, I need to go back to reading. It's fucking nuts, man. This fucking world. Why can't shit just be legit? Why does it have to be like, you know, we'll create this thing, and we must figure out how to make them addictive so they keep coming back, and they keep clicking,. They keep clicking. They keep watching.

The more they click, the more they watch, the more we make. We'll fill ourselves up with gold coins or we'll roll around naked in them. Like, why can't you just have a fucking platform? Hey, this is what I got. Here it is. You like it? Cool? Not? I get it. Have a nice day.

Like, what is it with fucking nerds and sociopaths that that's not enough? We have to have everyone. We have to have all the money. We have to have 100% of the market share. And when we achieve that, we will all... We'll begin to eat ourselves from the inside as we search inside our own company for more gold coins, more ways to fire people, 10 people in that

department. Now there's two. And you too will do the work of 10. I've made more money. Sorry. All right. Helix everybody, let's do some reads here. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Lux and Ultra Premium Elite Collections. The Helix Plus, a mattress design for big and tall sleepers. I always picture the tall sleeper, like he sleeps upright in the bed because his fucking

legs would hang off the end. Helix kid mattresses designed for growing bodies endorsed by child sleep experts. Jesus Christ. So how will you know which helix mattress works best for you and your body? Take the Helix Sleep Quiz and find your perfect mattress in under two minutes. Your personalized mattress is shipped straight to your door free of charge. Helix knows there's no better way to test out a new mattress than by sleeping on it in your own home and doing other things. That's why they offer a 100-night trial gross and a 10- to 15-year warranty to try out your new mattress, man.

Everybody is unique and everyone sleeps differently. They all bang differently, too. That's why Helix has several different mattresses models to choose from, such, from choose from, Jesus Christ. Each designed for specific sleep positions and field preferences. Models with memory foam layers. What is memory foam? Does it mean you just broke in the bed?

You ever get in a bed after a fat person was in there and you fucking think you're gonna go all the way down to the box spring? Models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side. Let me clarify that. Like you get a motel room, you're a struggling comedian, and you can just tell how many fucking whales, how many truckers were fucking, you know, drinking big gulps and just like You know like big fat people like sit down like the first Like two seconds of sitting down is sitting down and then it just becomes a freefall Models with a more responsive foam to cradle your body for essential support in stomach and back sleeping positions

Plus never tell you that happened to me on a flight? This fucking fatso, I was riding in coach, so my knees were almost touching the seat in front of me, and this fat fuck gets on, and he starts to sit down, and he just like let himself go, and it's that plastic tray slammed into my, oh my God, did I curse that guy out? I said, oh, you you motherfucking you fat fuck I that's another one I should have been punched

him right in this fucking fat sweaty head but you can't do it right you can't do it you can't do it you get kicked off the flight then what then what I bruise knees and I need to get a new flight? And I'm a flight risk? Just gotta take it, you know? And then who gets a show? Who gets a show? Me and my bruised knees? No, that fat fuck with his 600 pound life.

Plus enhanced cooling features to keep you from overheating at night. And if your spine needs some extra TLC, they got you. Every Helix mattress has a hybrid design combining individually wrapped steel coils in the base with premium foam layers on top. It's the perfect combination of comfort and support. Not sure you can take my word for it. Well hey man, Helix has been awarded the number one mattress picked by GQ and Wired magazine. It's even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine

as a go-to solution for improving your sleep. Go to helixsleep.com slash burr for 27% off site-wide plus free bedding bundle, which is sheet set and mattress protector with any lux or elite mattress order. That's helixsleep.com slash burr. How was that? How was that for a read? People like that. Um, all right. Open phone, everyone. Open phone. All right. Listen up. I swear to God, that's the copy. All right. Listen up. Snap to it.

Drop your cocks and grab your socks. Remember all those military things and they would always have those guys rhyming shit as they were yelling at people in boot camp? Your mothers are not here to protect you anymore. Where you from, boy? Bullshit, only queers are there. From there, I don't see no fucking horns.

Listen, Sarge, I get it. You have a lot of homosexual urges. That's probably why you joined the military to be around all these men, but don't project it onto me. What the fuck did you take? You eat that jelly doughnut and do some fucking. Open phone. All right, listen up.

If you're running a business, you're probably juggling a million things right now. But every time you miss a call, you're throwing money away. Serious. Think about it. Let's say you're a plumber. All right. Let's say you have a belt and your ass isn't hanging out and someone calls you. They need something and you're out there getting a coffee, taking a nap or whatever.

Oh, shots fired at plumbers. And that call straight to voicemail. Poof, gone, opportunity lost. They didn't leave a voicemail? That's why you need OpenPhone. It's the phone system that actually keeps up with your business. No more missed calls, no more missed opportunities.

OpenPhone gives you a business number that works right through an app on your phone. Simple, right? You're a smart guy. If you have employees or coworkers, your whole team can share the same number to answer calls and texts like a shared inbox. Whoever picks up, they know exactly what's going on. And with AI powered call transcripts and summaries, thank God for AI. I love that they always act like AI is your friend. You don't have to worry about taking down messages and follow-ups slipping through the cracks.

Over 50,000 trust businesses trust OpenPhone. So don't be the last one to catch up. Go to openphone.com slash burr and get 20% off your first six months. That's OpenPhone with the ph.com slash burr. And if% off your first six months that's open phone phone with the ph dot com slash burr and if you've got numbers from another service they'll port them over at no extra charge open phone no missed calls no missed customers all right now let's get to the fucking reeds here let's get to the fucking re. Oh, I know what I did. I

made it go up to the top. And now I know why because that listener wrote in let me know what was up. Liam Neeson. Hey there, Liam Burr. I was listening to a throwback episode when you looked up Liam Neeson's name, you were calling him Liam Leeson. That sounds like were calling him Ne-um Lee-son. That sounds like me. And when you saw his name was Liam, you commented, that's not his fucking name. That's not his fucking first name.

That's what I said. I'm curious if you realized that his name is actually William and he just shortened it to Liam. I did not know that. Could be a nice rebranding for you if you ever go through with that hair transplant. Anyways, thanks for all the laughs and go fuck yourself. I literally think at some point

they will have like a pill that you can take and it will send your fucking hair follicles back to when you were a baby when it first started growing. But the thing is, is it would only be temporary. Because they can't just give you the pill and then you would be good. They wouldn't you have to keep taking it. That's the thing. They want you to keep taking it. Taking it and taking it right in the fucking wallet. I would not get a hair transplant. I, uh... I don't know. I've gotten better parts since I've been bald. Since I've been bald!

I've been getting better parts when I'm in outer space since I've been bald! Who sings that song? All the fucking chicks starts screaming Said you've been gone they all start screaming too like not one of them drove the guy away you guys are all victims We do the same thing We used to listen all those fucking gangster rappers remember they were always talking about bitches You know pussy ain't nothing but meat on a bone.

I remember even though the younger me was like, you know, I think it's a little more than that. Seven foot hearts. Okay. Hey Billy, pipsqueak. I don't think I've ever seen that word written out. Pipsqueak. P-I-P-S-Q-E-A-K, evidently just one word.

Billy Pipsqueak. I feel like if I was a janitor and I really was good at mopping floors, they'd call me Billy Pipsqueak. Oh, you could tell when he mopped that floor the way you would squeak under your sneakers. All right, long time listener, first time writer. Been a major fan of yours ever since your Strapel Show days.

Parentheses. Then his wife threw her titties in my hand. It was weird, Your Honor. Oh my God. I remember saying that a long time ago. And following you ever since. I've been waiting to write in for ages, but never had a good reason until now. Last week you talked about seven foot people

having hearts that are too small. I didn't say they were too small. I said they were the same size as a regular person. And being seven foot one myself, I was finally compelled to write in. I've been abnormally tall and thin my whole life. And at a young age, I was tested for Marfan syndrome. I don't know what that is, is that giant? Will you just keep growing? And have an active pituitary

gland both coming up negative. My mom is six foot one and my dad six seven. So doctors labeled me a healthy giant, meaning I am tall only because of the genetics, not some condition or abnormality. But to address what you brought up last week, taller people actually have proportionally sized hearts and organs compared to you normies lol. Oh well, that's what I get for repeating something I heard. We also have denser bones to carry our larger frames. When you hear about basketball players who drop dead,

great special by the way, on the court, it's actually because the heart is a muscle and with a lot of strenuous exercise, it grows larger like any other muscle and then becomes too big for even the taller person. Jesus Christ. All right, so then that's something else to write. Sorry for the long email, but I'm such a fan

and I hope this makes it on the podcast. Much love from Wisconsin, come to Madison too. Not just Milwaukee. All right, fair point. Much love and respect. Go finagle yourself. All right, did not know that. All right. Well, you're seven foot one. So I'm going to take

your word for it. I think you probably did a more in depth study of that, especially when somebody fucking just under five 10 tells you you're going to die soon with no medical background. I mean, that's what we do here on podcasts, we have no medical background and we give people medical advice All right, Bacon's rebellion Hey there Billy burgundy ball bag, I like that burgundy burgundy is a It's sort of an aristocratic red I would say

I know you're a bit of a history buff So I was wondering if you ever heard about Bacon's Rebellion in Virginia in 1676. I have not. I'm assuming Bacon is the last name of somebody. It's a confirmation of what you've been saying for years. In a nutshell, Nathaniel Bacon led an uprising against the British colonial leaders in Virginia. What's interesting, Bacon's movements included poor whites, indentured servants, African slaves, and some free black men.

Look at this fucking hero. When the British eventually squashed the rebellion, the big lesson for the ruling class was that they could never let white and black people from the underclass to join forces. So they implemented a new law to keep them apart and see each other as the enemy so they could never unite and fight the power. Yeah, this is what this is what they're doing right now. The way they're demonizing, you know, Mexicans and Chinese people and fucking all of this shit and so they can keep the focus off these fucking billionaires. Okay, immigrants didn't turn our food supply into poison.

They don't dictate our foreign policy. They didn't make our factories move to their country. The rich cunts that own the factories went there and exploited them and paid them sweatshop labor wages. You know, if they paid them a fair wage, they wouldn't be jumping over the fucking wall. Anyway, when I read about this, a People's History United States author is in,

I immediately thought of you. Yeah, I've read that book a long time ago. Keep crushing it on Broadway, my best to Nia and your family and go fuck yourself. So wait a minute, are you saying that that's in that book? I probably, if it is, I forgot. You know, I read it, I feel like a hundred years ago. I remember this comedy club owner telling me that that book was bullshit. And it's like, well, you know what? I expect you to have that fucking reaction considering you've been paying comedians the

same amount of money for 25 years, but everything else has gone up, including your ticket prices. You cunt. All right. Blackout in Spain and Portugal. Hey, Billy Greenshirt, a big fan from Bulgaria here. At the beginning of the episode of the MMP from April 28, you mentioned that you don't watch the news. So this might be interesting to you.

I live in Madrid, Spain, and yesterday we, Spain and Portugal, experienced a total blackout. Around 30 minutes afternoon, Spanish time, all of a sudden we were out of power, internet and mobile service, and it lasted almost 11 hours. Pretty much nothing was working including ATMs and traffic lights. We had no idea what was happening and the only way to hear the news was on the radio in your car or if you had one of those portable radios that run on

batteries which most people don't have nowadays. Cell phones used to have radio receivers about 10 years ago but most of today's phones don't. Today everything is back to normal, but portable radios, external batteries, power banks and portable solar panels, all of a sudden costs 40% more than they than two days ago. I'm planning to wait a couple of months until the prices go back down, back to normal before buying stuff like that. So next time I'll be more prepared. Do you feel prepared if something like that

happened in your city? Thanks for the podcast. I wish you all the best and go fuck yourself. Well, how do I know you don't work for the solar company? But I'm not prepared for anything. I'm prepared for a shit show in that I'm going to be running around with my fucking head on fire and someone will merciless, you know, take me out. I imagine I

Don't care. I don't want it. I would like to live in society and when society folds, I'm more than okay with like being like, alright Okay. Well, you know you guys have fun, you know dressing in fur pelts and whatever the fuck it is You're gonna do is you try to reboot this shit? I'm not doing it. I'm good. Is my cable out? Alright, I'm out too. I'm gonna hang myself with the cable. Old Billy Sinai pill. Uh, old drunk neighbor. Dear Billy Bald Nuts. Um, 19 and 21 year old brothers writing in here to get advice about what to do with our next door neighbor. For context. He's a 69 year old drunk who's been an issue since before we were born. He never leaves his house and it hasn't been off our street in probably 10 years.

How do people like that fucking pay their rent? It's amazing to me. He often verbally attacks the women in the street on our street, including our younger sister and mom, but would never say anything to the men. For example, our mom and sister were talking and laughing inside our house with the door open in the middle of the afternoon and he screamed over the fence to shut the fuck up he slashed people's tires and poured coke on our car he went and keyed our friend's car after a little snow got brushed onto his sidewalk goes, Here's the problem. Here's the problem. That all

sounded like a problem. Here's the problem. His wife is a lovely, respectful lady, who is very apologetic, oh, the person that's enabling him. And we have no clue why she hasn't left him yet. He is often at his worst when she is gone on business for a few days at a time and he sits at home hammered. He is often at his worst when she is gone on business for a few days at a time and he sits at home hammered He is insanely meticulous about the placement of his garbage bins and everyone else is on the street And will often walk up and down rearranging them. Yeah, this poor guy has gone through a lot of shit Is he a veteran?

Something going on with this guy So some of the things we have started doing to mess with his head are moving his bins around in the middle of the night Don't do that to this guy dude Putting a pylon in the middle of his walkway and putting a hairspray X on his tree So he thinks the city is coming to chop it down. Oh God We would love any advice you have about what to, what to do about him without harming his wife. Some ideas we have are cutting his cable line during baseball playoffs and writing him love

letters. We recently found out when his birthday is, so maybe something around that. Ideally, we want to confront him face to face but the chances of him leaving the house are very low. Thanks for any ideas you can come up with. Love the pod and put a little more effort into the zip recruiter ads they are the best part. I just figured you guys were sick of that joke. Fuck the Bruins even though our leafs have probably already blown it by the time you're reading this. You shouldn't torture this guy. This guy's already tortured.

He's got something going on. That's something really bad happened to him a long fucking time ago, or he has a disease of alcoholism and he's drank so much that it's affected his fucking brain. I know that you have to like deal with it. You can't call the cops. Um, is there any way to approach his wife to try to get the guy some sort of help? I don't want I don't want you to like, you know, cut his cable while during the playoffs. It's probably all the guy fucking has.

Um... He's already ruined his life. Isn't that enough? God bless that woman that's fucking staying with him, but, like, you guys shouldn't have to suffer. Like, your sister and your mother should not be getting yelled at by this guy. Um...

I would say, though, if you're ever around and they yell at your sister or your mother, I would go over there and I would fucking nose to nose tell that guy under no circumstances he's ever doing that again or you're gonna beat the fuck out of him. or you're gonna beat the fuck out of him. I mean, that I would deal with, but all this other shit, him rearranging the barrels and doing stuff like that, I wouldn't fuck with him on that, but him yelling at your sister and your mother, I don't give a fuck what his problem is.

That has to be dealt with, so I would, I don't know what his deal is. Can you scare can you intimidate the guy? Because I had I had a neighbor like this one time downstairs and used to yell at Nia when I was on the road. And you know, he had some sort of cognitive issue and Nia kept telling me to go down and talk to guys like I don't want to talk to that guy. He's 1000 fucking years old. It's not gonna, it's not gonna go well.

So he yelled at her and she's like, you need to go down there and talk to the guy. I go, all right. So I go down there and he was fucking like, he was afraid when I got there. And then I'm like, oh my God, he's gonna have a fucking heart attack. So I made sure, you know, I was at least 25, 30 feet.

I said, listen, you're yelling, and he was my girlfriend at the time, yelling at my girlfriend. It's not cool. And he was fucking screaming, she stomps all over the floor and all this shit. And I'm like, buddy, I'll tell her to not walk across the floor in her shoes, with her shoes.

We have wood floors, but you can't be yelling at her or whatever. And then he just started attacking me. He goes, you make noise too. And I was just learning how to play guitar. And he goes, how's your band? then he just started attacking me. He goes, you make noise too. And I was just learning how to play guitar. And he goes, how's your band? And he started laughing at me. And this is what pisses me off is my wife was

on the porch listening and she laughed at that. Like was on like his fucking, they're just fucking unreal. And then, I don't know, he never yelled at her again after that, cause I went and I actually, cause I don't know if you never yelled at her again after that because I went and I actually because I don't know if you really confronted him but like I Don't know I just remember I Went upstairs and she was laughing that he said that going. Oh my god. He like fucking

Trashed you and I was like, yeah I mean he got me with the great one and now I feel self-conscious about playing guitar. And I also feel bad because he was shaking and he was clearly afraid of me. And I don't like going around scaring old people. I told you, I didn't want to go down there. It wasn't gonna go well. Oh God, now you got me reliving this. I don't know what, I don't know how old this guy is. But he might scare easy if you just have like a confrontation

with him. It seems like you guys haven't done that yet and you're just sort of fucking with him. But I wouldn't do anything like to mind fuck this guy to make him any more tortured than he already is, I would, like I said, if he's yelling at your sister or your mother, you know, even if you're not there, they tell you that later, you got to go over there and knock on the fucking door and just say, listen, you want to drink yourself to death, that's fine, but you are not yelling at my sister or my mother. You understand me? Okay, and a lot of those guys, you know,

most people are fucking pussies when it comes to that shit. If they think there's a beating coming, they're gonna steer clear of it. You might have to reset them a few times. That's the most I would do. But you gotta understand, if you go over there, if that guy has a fucking heart attack, if anything fucking happens, you're gonna be,

I mean, I don't know how it works in Canada, but you're gonna be liable. Like, don't know how it works in Canada, but you're gonna be li... Like, it's not gonna be a good fucking thing. Um... I don't know, can you call the cops? Can you have one of your mounted police come over there with the maple syrup riding in on a horse? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I sent a Mountie over there. Oh, hey, uh, those two hosers over there.

I know. I know you guys don't talk like that. Um, what was that movie? That was such a great fucking movie. Fuck, when I first got cable, I was totally spaced on the name of that movie. He was in the crease. He was in the crease. When I end this podcast, it's immediately going to pop in my head.

What the fuck was the name of that movie? That was when I first got cable, I saw that. I saw Kentucky Fried Movie. All these crazy fucking movies that they used to show on HBO the movie channel Cinemax there was something else I think before Showtime I don't remember all right anyways that is the podcast I don't know I hope I gave you decent advice I don't know. I hope I gave you decent advice. I don't want to escalate that situation or whatever. Anyway, that is the podcast.

Go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you on Thursday.