Monday Morning Podcast - Daddy Daughter Day, War, Sex Scenes | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-31-25

Episode Date: July 31, 2025

Bill rambles about daddy daughter day, the war grift, and saxophone sex scenes. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (30:48) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback - 7-31-17 - Bill rambles about heat waves, ole fatty cakes, and MLB. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Chuck Mangione - Feels So Good 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in, checking in on you. How's it going, man? Yeah, yeah, how's it going good? That's good. That day, you know, that's a good thing. You know, it's good. It's always good. One of the things you have to learn is an adult. When people say, how's it going? You just say good. How's it going? It's going good. Unless it's a friend of yours and there's fucking margarita's in front of you. and you're a lady.

Then all of a sudden it's just like, guys, I'm sorry. I didn't want to do this, but I just, I, no, no, I want to hear about it. Why do you want to hear about it? Because you want to help your friend or because you just enjoy watching your friend

have a worse day than you. Oh, there's a lot of layers with the ladies. No, I want to hear about it. Sorry, I'm rolling this fucking window down. I want to hear about it. I want to hear about it. Well, I just, you know, it's like, I was supposed to be my boyfriend for lunch.

And he doesn't, he wanted to go in the last second he said he didn't want to go. Oh, baby, I'm not sure. No, you just say, how's it going? Good, good. It's going good. This is the way I say. It's going good.

Like, it's enough. Don't fucking ask any more questions. You know, how's it going? It's going as fucking, it's going out what's always going. Anyway, oh, Billy fucking baseball face have been watching the Red Sox. I missed the drubbing. of the twins yesterday. Kicking the shit out of him.

I don't even know who we have next. All I know is they got like baseball is fucking brutal. They got like 10 games in a, not this stretch. The next day. They have one day off. Oh, Thursday. Today they have a day off. And then I think they just play like 10 days in a row.

I'll tell you what, Jared Duran. Jesus Christ. All that guy does is hit doubles, triples, and home runs. Granted, I only watch this week. But I'll tell you, I am duly impressed. This guy here who could barely hit a fucking whiffle ball underarm to him by his fucking, you know, kids.

I am duly impressed. No, this fucking team is all right. They're young, they're talented. We got some money. Today's the trade deadline. Who's that kid out there in Oakland? I'm getting all caught up. The big Amish, whatever they call them.

Hit five home runs in one game. I guess nobody's ever done that. Here's a question I have. Like, who the fuck was pitching after he hit four? You know? What do you want to do? You know, I think we should challenge him. Let's keep sending it right down the fucking middle.

Serve it up. Let's see. You know? Let's see if he flinches. Yeah, I got caught up with some of my motorcycle races. I saw the Germany race. I got one more race and then I'll be caught up there on brakes. right now so I got a little time but Mark

Marquez just keeps winning he had a bad start in the sprint and it's actually that's like better that's like back in the day like Lewis Hamilton if he had a bad qualifying and he was like second or third you're like oh this is cool I actually get to see some racing but if he was in pole position it was a race to the first turn and then that was the end of the fucking race it's motor GP has kind of

been like that with Mark Marquez but that German track like that Like I had to like look it up to get a picture of it because they just kept make, they started going left. It's like you come out, you go right, and then there's a little chicane, and then they make like nine left-hand turns in a row. And somehow they don't end up back where they started from. And I'm like, you know, I know I didn't do too well in geometry, but this doesn't make sense to me. And it ended up looking up the track. That's a cool one.

You know, I don't know if people complain about it the way they complained about the track we had in Vegas. that, you know, everyone was around the world was saying was lame. And then it was the most passing. At least it was two years ago when I was watching. I mean, that's the story that I'm sticking by. So I'm doing a daddy daughter day today. Frigin hilarious. I'm like, all right, sweetheart, where do you want to go?

And she goes, my favorite store. I was like, IKEA? She's like, yeah. I go, you want to go to IKEA for a daddy daughter day? She goes, yeah. I just like looking at the different setups and stuff. So I was like, all right, I guess

man, of course she doesn't ask me. I fucking hate IKEA. You know? It's like being in the court system. Once you're in, you can't get out. I know, oh my God. I already know how this is going to go down and they have that awful hot dog at the end. You know what I mean? some sort of just terrible food

because they know they know that once you get in you can't get out and it's like an hour long just walking the fuck around and people are going to get upset but if you give them a hot dog in the end of the option just the option of getting a hot dog in the end maybe

you know maybe they won't be so upset you know I don't know anyway I don't know, what else what the fuck was I watching? Oh, I finally saw, like everybody else, they actually showed footage of what's going on in Palestine, man.

It's just, it's unbelievable. I was really thinking about this. You know what's fucking amazing? Is, like, if you have a problem with your next door neighbor, you can't go over and kill him. That's illegal. Bless you. That was the loudest fucking sneeze ever.

Do you hear that guy? Um, for some reason, you can't, uh, you know, you can't kill your neighbor. There's an outside chance if you're a woman, if you're a woman that you could possibly, you can possibly kill your neighbor. Uh, no, you know what I mean. You can't kill your neighbor. You kill your neighbor. That's murder.

You're going to jail. And all they're trying to decide is, was it manslaughter? third degree second i guess third degrees manslaughter right second degree first degree or self-defense that's all it is like but you better have a good goddamn reason like you're not allowed to do that but if if you work for billionaires you know you join the military you're allowed to kill people you can kill whoever you Yeah, like, why don't we hold, like, the banks and the oil company. Like, there's just no reason to still be doing this to people. Yeah, that's why I kind of thought.

Like, world leaders and billionaires are able to solve. Like, why are they allowed to kill people? And then you have to do it. They send us to kill each other. And then they profit off of it. But like if you have a problem with your neighbor and you fucking kill that person, you're not allowed to do that. And why is that? You know why?

Because that person he just killed was paying taxes. That person had a mortgage. That person was, they were making money. That person's an asset. That's a person that we can drown in debt or send off to fucking fight our fights so we can get more goop out of the fucking ground. there isn't it then this whole fucking thing since since vietnam like the big thing is is if you say anything against war that means you this like that's what they learned in vietnam they learned if they lost you know first of all they needed to take control of the media and then also they

had to control the narrative and that's when the support the troops came out like as if there was people not supporting the troops i guess in vietnam the the hippies got a little crazy and they started yelling baby killers at troops because, you know, there was no social media. How could they find the truth? So there was an element of guilt. But what the powers that be did, they turned into, if you as a citizen said, hey, why are we going to war with this country? That meant you were a communist and you didn't support the fucking troops. It's like, that's not what that means.

I can support the troops and also say, why are you sending them there? They always do that. So now if you look at starving kids in Palestine and you go like, hey man, this isn't the way to go about doing this, then they go, oh, you're anti-Semitic, you support Hamas. It's like, no, I don't. I can be like, don't starve that baby to death. I can say that and not be anti-Semitic. I'm just, I'm anti-starving children to death. I'm anti-seeing moms holding empty pots with children fucking crying.

It's, it's insane. It's insane. War should not be legal. And I think the reason that it is legal is because there's never a justification for it. Does that even make sense? Like, war has to happen because whatever they're doing is wrong. it's the whole thing is fucking wrong it was hamas is wrong starving innocent people is wrong the whole fucking thing is wrong

most of the shit that my countries have been involved in turns out it's always about something else the whole fucking thing is wrong but it's for the profit of billionaires so then all of a sudden now it's okay to kill people now it's okay to starve people now it's okay to just shoot fucking rockets into innocent people on both sides it's fucking insane and you can't have a rational conversation about it people just start fucking scream and go oh you're at this you're that i'm like i'm saying don't starve kids to death how is that the wrong

side of the argument and how does that mean that i would then want to starve people to death on the other side no no i think you know from my world travel everybody's fucking cool it's it's the leaders or it's it's the corporations that get everybody's they're like mean girls. They get everybody all fucking stirred up. Religion, throw that in there. That's another one gets everybody all fucking stirred. We would all be getting along. We would all like, be honest with yourself. You don't really know what anybody's doing in another country. You don't know what they're thinking. And you don't give a shit. That's how they are with you. Nobody gives a shit. But then these fucking assholes at the top, you know, say X, Y,

and Z. And then the media that they own go, Oh my God, they're coming to get you. I don't know. Maybe I am oversimplifying it. Did you see that? There's another one that shooting. That person went in and, you know, they were trying to go,

oh, you know, they had CTE and they were trying to get to the NFL floor. Oh, yeah, is that what happened? Is that what happened? And when the elevator doors opened, and they saw a completely different corporate logo there. They were still confused. I don't know about that one.

I don't know. A lot of shit has happened this week. A lot of shit has happened this week. But, yeah. I wish we could start a dialogue where we could talk to the world leaders and just be just exactly how is war an acceptable way to solve these problems? Like, how do you justify? How do you go to sleep? at night

knowing that you greenlit this or they green lit that or whatever, you know what I mean? All I've seen from all of that stuff going on over there is all I've seen is innocent people die on both sides and that's what always ends up happening and then the people that perpetrated the whole fucking thing

I don't know where they are. They're underground or they're in a fucking palace you know talking to the media spinning it. That is a weird thing though With every religion, they talk about, you know, if you don't live a certain way, you're going to go to hell. And then they have these descriptions of hell that are just beyond any comprehension of pain and how it never ends.

Right. And then you see the people that run these organizations. And none of them seem to be worried about punishment in the afterlife. Like every president, Democrat, a Republican in my life has been. And God bless the United States. They're always talking about God and everything. And it's just like, dude, you got bodies, man. You got fucking bodies.

They'll fucking bomb a country just to change the fucking shit on the newspaper. At least they used to have to back in the day. Like, oh, fuck, did I use somebody's vagina as a humidor? I think I'll bomb a country in Europe. I don't know what's insane. But it's such an insane world that probably there's people that actually hear me say, Don't starve kids to death. That's not the solution.

We'll be like, ah, it's because you're a fucking homophobic call me any semi-fucking. Is that what it is? I thought I just didn't think that kids should starve to death over adult problems. I don't know. What are you going to do?

Anyway, do you know what you do? You bury yourself in sports. That's what I've been doing. I'm fucking hadn't watched a game all year. Now I'm obsessed with watching the Red Sox. I was very upset with myself that I missed the game yesterday, just a random day game

on a Wednesday. That just goes to show you how many people are working from home, you know? That they have a game on a fucking Wednesday. On a Wednesday, bro. Like, what's that about?

You know what I mean? I like it. But am I really supposed to believe everybody's, you know, doing the third shift in a warehouse, unloading trucks, and they just woke up, had a little coffee

I mean, that's kind of a cool fucking way to do your day. Anyway, you know what's funny about baseball? Anytime I watch it, you know, there's always that part of my head going, like, I can probably hit a nice fly ball to the left fielder. I could probably do that. You know, having gone to the batting cages once in like 30 years, I think I'm going to get up there. It's like when I play golf and people always go, I think you're using too much club. I'm like, oh, yeah, watch. Are you hitting a five iron on a par three?

Yep. It's going to come up short too. Watch this. Every time. Every time. And then every once in a while, I'll get a hold one. I only play par three's. I only play part threes.

I'm not going, I don't like, you know what I mean? I'm dating. I'm not trying to get into a relationship. I play nine holes and I play part three. That's it. That's what's going on. Okay? And I'll play nine holes if there's three, fours and fives.

But you have to know around hole six, I might take one off. And I'd be sitting in the car, you know, back of the day, smoking a cigar. You know, passenger seat, too. I'm just on, I'm there for the fucking ride. I do remember one time playing 18 holes. And I quit like fucking 12 holes in. And I was just like, yeah, guys, I'm just like, yeah, guys, good. They're like, you're good. I got, yeah, I'm good. And my two other buddies kept playing.

And I just sat there smoking a cigar for like the last six holes. And they told me later that they were both like, you know, is Burr actually doing it the right way? Isn't that great? Every once in a while when you go against the grain and then people actually agree with you? That never fucking happens. Well, it happens. Well, it happens. happened that day. It was fucking hot as balls. And I was just sitting there at an Arnold Palmer. And I had a fucking cigar. And I was sitting there with my old pasty legs crossed. Happy as a fucking clamp. Could give a, oh, look at this hole. Oh, yeah, it's gorgeous. Hey, nice shot. Keep it up, buddy. You're doing great. Just sitting there.

That's the thing. You know, I actually, if I was still drinking, I would like rent myself out to to like for a foursome. That's not a fucking perverted. Keep it clean for golf. And I would just be like the designated driver. And the only thing was, is I have to be allowed to drink for all 18 holes and have a cigar going.

And that way the play, you know, keeps moving along. I'll even get your shit at the turn. I don't give a fuck. anything to not play 18 holes of that game would be fantastic. I still don't understand why you can't just get it out at the driving range. The driving range, that's where it's at. That's where it's just fucking zen. No warm-up swing?

Just bang. Bang. Bang. Slice. Hook. Slice. Slice. Good one.

Bang. that's I just I you know what it takes an incredible amount of concentration with golf and I gotta be honest

with you like I can't even I can't get through a bucket of balls like there's always like the first five or six I give a shit and then I just look at it like it's a job

like I gotta get through this bucket so I can get back to my life and I hit him I hit him right off the deck I don't give a fuck if that with that creepy you know umbilical cord that little rubber tea that they don't have i don't give a shit i don't care just get me

out of here all of that none of that has to do with the game all that has to do with all the bullshit that happened to me before i became a comedian i just want shit to be over and i want to go and be alone it's fucked i have to fight that urge all the time it's something i'm learning about oh bill you're going to go back to therapy i think think I am. I think I am. I think I'm going to go back. I'm going to check in. You know what the subtext of this is. This means my wife's like, yeah, listen. That was like the 49th time this week. You've done X, Y, and Z. Maybe, uh, maybe you need to go talk to somebody. I'm like, yeah, yeah, you're probably right. You're probably right.

That's the worst. Is anything worse than getting a new therapist? And you got to fucking, you know. Now you're in rerun. right you gotta fucking talk about shit you've already talked about you're like fast forwarding through it you know and i was at the carnival and i got raped by a clown and uh the next day my bike broke i in i yeah you know i want to get to 2025 well we got to know what's going on with you we got to know what happened in 1975 to know uh what's going on in 2025 do we you know i was watching our old sesame street you know i was watching our old sesame street the other day. Remember that one? Everybody sleeps. Everybody

sleeps. I was showing it to my kids and they was showing a little baby. And right in the middle of it, my kids weren't enjoying it. I go, you know that baby's like 50 years old now. Like what? Go to that baby. This was from like 50-something years ago. I just started thinking. Like that baby could be divorced right now. Just sitting on a bar stool. We had it all, but she was afraid of it. I didn't she she fucking she sabotaged it

I wanted to work it out everybody drinks and blames their fucking ex-wife boo boo boo boo and I used to tell I told my kids I go you used to watch this when I was a kid and I loved it because I liked seeing the animals sleeping but it was a part of it that made me sad

and then they watched it and they would go why did this make you sad this isn't sad dad why didn't it make you sad and i was like oh oh i guess because i was fucked up you know it wasn't this turns out it was me thank you

isn't that amazing when you get information like that decades later when do we have the hiccups now decades later like i just had a setup that took 30 years for the punchline to come. A long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time ago.

I had, like, two lines on some acting gig. And I was talking to this actor that was, you know, had more lines, you know, shooting the shit with them, right? And I mentioned that I was a stand-up comedian. And he's like, oh, you do stand-up, but I was a stand-up. like yeah and uh he goes yeah you know i don't like stand-up comedy it just i just don't find it funny and i immediately thought that that was like funny because i was like you know there's a lot of bad stand-up on tv at the time so it just struck me as funny but then i was also kind of curious being like well he doesn't mean like all stand-up i go but no you like like but like richard prior though

You don't mean like Richard Pryor. He goes, yeah, no, I don't, I don't find him funny. I go, you don't find Richard Pryor if I? He goes, no, no, you know, I was, I had an acting gig, and the other actor was playing me records of his, and he was laughing, and I just, I just, I don't know, I just don't find it funny. And I was like, huh, all right.

And then like a month ago, I ran into another actor. the actor that was playing that record for that person. Because in that story, I respected the other person because I was like, oh, wow, they have Richard Pryor albums. I liked that person. So I ran into that person. And I mentioned to him, like, you know, a long time ago,

I actually worked with an actor that worked with you. And I brought up the actor's name. And right as I said, the actress name, he looked at me and he goes, humorless. Humorless. And I just fucking died laughing. It took 30 years, 30 years of me sitting there. Like, every once in a while, I would just think about it.

Like, that was the only person I ever met that ever said Richard Pryor wasn't funny. I was like, I can't believe this guy. Like, it was like, it was right up there, like, when I watched that Ginger Baker documentary. And the Ginger Breaker goes, when they brought up John Bonham, he goes, he's like, John Bonham couldn't swing a sack of shit. And I was just like, oh my God. I have never heard anybody trashed John Bonham. I've never heard anybody say that John Bonham wasn't a good drummer.

I mean, I know that guy. That guy was like petty as fucking. Oh, my God. Like, if you ever want to see, like, what it looks like to not be hugged as a child, just listen to Ginger Baker. Jesus fucking Christ. That guy needed a hallmark card every day for the rest of his fucking life. Just to get maybe level.

Beware of Mr. Baker. You got to see that documentary. It's like, it's fucking insane. It's fucking insane. I would say more, but the man passed away. So out of respect, you know. But, uh, Jesus. Jesus.

Fucking ego on that guy. Not saying he wasn't a great drummer, but Jesus, fucking Christ. Like, was it that hard to be a ginger back then? It must have been. I mean, they called him Ginger Baker, but it wasn't really considered an insult back then. Somewhere along the line that big,

like, everybody of you here used to call you a redhead, and then overseas it was he's a ginger. But even that, you know, it's always been, there's always been like a low level of hostility slash mocking for us redheads, but then somehow when Ginger came over here, it was like, you know, it was, people were saying it, and it felt like a racial slur.

Remember this woman on an actigate, she goes, do you mind if I call you a ginger? I'm like, no, how do you mean it? I mean, I didn't until you fucking asked that. Do you mind if I call you an actor? Like, now what are you thinking about my thoughts about acting? Anyway, Jesus, I think we covered a lot. I think we've covered a lot.

Yeah, I think we did. I think I'm watching baseball. I think I'm still against war. I don't think it there's there's no fucking reason for it whatsoever. There is absolutely no fucking reason for it. I guess

if someone like, I don't know, how we ended up this way. We kind of never grew out of it, you know what I mean? It's kind of amazing that they're making bike lanes. You know what I mean? They're making bike lanes, but like you can still, like,

shoot missiles at people in an act of war. They're like trying to turn all these American towns into like Maybury while they're, while they're doing that stuff. I did see this funny Instagram thing where this building was all closed and it said condo's coming soon. And this guy was standing outside of it acting like he was excited. Anyway, I finished that movie, Body Heat, William Hurt and Kathleen Turner. Ted Danson. Fantastic movie. fantastic movie

it's on the Criterion Channel and the Miami collections like there's all these movies from Miami I'll take place Miami Blues Body Heat I think the Miami Vice movie No Scarface though

I don't think they had a scarface But all the All movies that were shot in Miami It's really It's really cool And William Hart is fucking amazing It's fucking amazing It's almost like

If you ever saw that movie The Last Seduction it's like it lives in that world but like 10, 12 years before that movie another great one. Anyway, a lot of saxophone sex scenes.

Saxophone playing in the background, sex scenes. Like that was the instrument of choice. If two actors were pretending they were boning in a movie, you had to have a saxophone. Or something with some sort of synthesizer. underneath it a lot of times.

For whatever reason, the saxophone was the instrument of penetration in cinema during those years. Like, there's a good one for Criterion, right? Criterion, I would say, would be the saxophone sex scene collection. Take my breath away. That was a synth. Wea, weo-we-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w. Can you imagine hooking up with the woman putting that song on? Let's just say it was never in a movie.

But to have a song that literal playing while you're trying to get her motor going, Take my breath away. It's like, she's sitting there looking at you like, why don't you do that instead of like trying to hypnotize me with this fucking music? All right there, buddy? If you take my breath away, you take it away. It's not going to happen because you put a song on that said, Take my breath away.

I can find your clit. Do do, do, do, do. And you haven't, but she thinks she did because that song's on in the background. You know what it was? It was a simpler time. Old Billy Daly driver. I think I might have found a car.

It's on one of those websites there where you've got to fucking put a bit in. Which is exciting. I'll let you guys, you know, if I get the car, I'll let you know. I'll let you know what I get. Like you're hanging on my every fucking word. All right. That's it. Okay. Go Red Sox. War should not be legal.

And, you know, be nice to each other. How about that? All right. That's it. Every great weekend, you cunts. And I'll love to talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burwin. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, July 31st, 2017. What's going on? How are you? What's going on? Oh, Jesus Christ. How's your summer? Is it going to be a heat wave? The heat's coming back. Oh, my God.

Please try to stay inside, inside the air conditioning. If you don't have air conditioning, please try to remember to keep your windows open and stick your head through the opening in the window, not in the solid part of the wall. You know, when they do that shit on the news, and they try to help old people not die in the summer heat. What a fucking way to go.

You live almost a century, and you've lived through the wars, you've lived through the depression, you've lived through the fucking New York and the 70s and all that. What finally gets you? A hot summer day. And you're just sitting there, what am I so swelling for? And you just can't get to the window. It's like when you'd watch wrestling, right? And it's one of those tag team wrestling matches.

and the guy just can't get to his teammate to fucking slap his hand and tag him in. That's what it is. And that's it. They lie there. They find him face down in wrestling trunks. The greatest generation stormed the beaches of Normandy,

taken out by a fucking heat wave. Does it every year. How many heroes? How many years, people, are we going to put up with the sun taking another one of our heroes away? I swear to God, Maybe if there was a different administration, they would handle the threat of the sun.

Right? Am I talking politics now? Is that what I'm doing? Let's talk politics. Why? Why do we keep fucking with this douche in Korea? Why don't you just leave them alone? You know what I mean?

It's like when you're on the subway and the crazy guy comes in the car, you don't look at him, you don't start talking to him. Just fucking leave him alone. Leave him alone. another thing too. Why don't they just let the fucking guy, you know, run his country the way he wants to run his fucking country, send some food in there, feed the fucking people. Why does he have to have the same fucking ideas about strip malls that we do in order for us to get along with them? Huh? Haven't we proven that it doesn't matter what kind of government you have? In the end, there's going to be human beings running it, so they're going to selfishly fuck the whole thing up

anyways? Who gives his shit? If he's over there lighting off his fucking M80s, let him do it. The guy is clearly unbelievably insecure. He clearly is trying to somehow follow in the footsteps of his dad's giant fucking shoes, although he's probably smaller. I don't know how tall those guys are over there, but whatever. Tallfer over there, big shoes for North Korea, especially with all the lack of nutrition that's got a stunt to grow to your feet, he's there, right? Why don't they just fucking, you know, we should, like when he shoot something off, we should just feed his ego. Oh, there you go. Way to go there, Kim Jong Il to second.

Whatever your fucking name is. Hey, you, fatty cakes. That was a good one. Dude, that's sick. You like that? Look at ours. That's awesome. Fist bump.

Good man, good man. Hey, here's a copy of the last year's Super Bowl. Check it out, man. It's fucking amazing. What do you got? You got a gangdom staff? DVD you want to trade with us? Why can't we just try to get along with this guy?

What is the fucking problem? Huh? Like we give a shit what the fuck he's doing to his people. These cunts who run shit over here, they don't give a fuck how many people are upside down in their own house. They didn't give a fuck about the people in New Orleans? They give a fuck about those people in North Korea? No, they do not.

No, they do not. You know what it is? They're sitting on a bunch of material that you could turn into those beats by Drey. And God damn it, we want it. So that's what we're going to do. We're going to act like this fucking goddamn FACSO with this fucking three missiles is going to be a problem. Yeah, I don't understand.

Just leave the guy alone. They're talking now, right, according to Google News, that I didn't even read it. All I did was just click on it. It says, U.S. allies prepared to use overwhelming force in North Korea, General says. We're prepared to shoot a bunch of missiles in his general area, says the general,

hoping that one of them lands on him, and we kill as few innocent people as possible. They would never say that. The U.S. and its allies are prepared to use rapid and lethal and overwhelming force, if necessary, against North Korea, the commander of the U.S. Pacific Air Forces warned Saturday night. And why are we doing this? Because this guy's shooting off his own fireworks,

because he's testing missiles the way we do. North Korea remains the most urgent threat to regional stability. Oh, Shaughnessy, said. Oh, Shaughnessy, you've done it again. Oh, Jesus Christ. Do we really got to go in there and blow this guy up with a bunch of other people just trying to fucking get to work? There's got to be another way to do it.

Don't we have any James Bond guys that can just kind of go in there and start banging the hottest chicks in North Korea as they suddenly try to kill them? you know, but the power of his dick is so overwhelming. They forget to kill him, and then by the time they realized, I was supposed to kill that guy, but I was so busy having orgasms, right? He's already out the door. He's got the pass codes, and then he goes down there. How would you kill that guy?

How would you kill that fat bastard? You know, you know what I would do? I'd give him a honey of a ham. You know, the glazed ones that they have around Christmas, except in the glaze would be some sort of cyanide. That's where you hide the poison. You know, and he would just be staring at it. And he would just, mouth would be watering so much

that he couldn't wait for the official taste tester to give it a try, you know? And he would literally die while making himself a sandwich. You know, when you're so hungry, you're making the sandwich and you're already fucking throwing chunks of meat in your mouth, that's what he would be doing. So it would be two-plice. What is?

He looks like a white bread guy, doesn't he? He's definitely not a multi-grained, you know? Do you think he gets in everything bagels? on the way to work every day. And a hairless bastard, I bet he doesn't even have to wear deodorant. You know? There's a lot of things to like about him.

He's fat, you know, so he's non-threatening. You know, that means he likes to fucking stay up late, Netflix and chill. You can see that about him, you know? You think he knows how to dance? Have you noticed that about little people and fat people? They transcend race when it comes to dancing, you know? It's like white guys can't dance, pretty much general,

unless they're fat or they're a little person. Then all of a sudden, they're just fucking, it's just like, wow, were you in the beat it video? What's going on here? It's because they had to. That's what happens. You have to. There's a certain amount of ice cream that you eat

where the laws of nature just take over, and at some point you have to learn how to dance, or you're just going to be heading into an abyss of, sadness that, you know, there's not enough chips of Hoy in the world can fill that void. Or is it that they get that sweat into the oldies, Richard Simmons thing? And that just kind of launches this talent they didn't know. This is just for fat people. I don't know about little people.

You know? I think little people, because they're down at the ground, they can see the steps easier. You know, like when Michael Jackson first moonwalked, you know, everybody was as tall as Michael Jackson, so we couldn't figure out what he was doing with his feet. But little people were down at the ground. I got that shit. Right? And the next day you're in the subway.

Don, don, don't, don't, don't. Boom, boom, boom. And it was like fucking eight little people all coming at you. I'm telling you. Nia, did you ever see that? You ever go into the subways of Brooklyn and there was a bunch of little people doing, recreating the bad video?

No. I takeo, cocko, because I'm bad. I'm bad. No? What's going on? I'm in a stupid mood. I'm trying to, how would you solve North Korea? I have no idea.

You know, it's fine. He's like a, he's like baby fat. That's what I like about that guy. Like, if he wore shorts, it probably looked like old cutie pies there. Are you getting ready for a nap? He just woke up for me a nap. Oh, you did. You did?

You want to go to Brooklyn today and watch us eat real people food while you keep drinking milk? All right. No, I don't know. I don't know what I was talking. I was talking about some fucking stupid shit. Yeah, so why, why? Like, honestly, what would happen if we just left that guy alone? You know?

What would happen if you just, I'm seriously asking this. If you lifted all the sanctions and he was able to trade with the world and they were able to fucking get some food in there, whatever the fuck's going on. If you just honestly, just let him do his shit. I mean, we shoot our fucking missiles all the time. We don't use it. Yeah, we do.

This is what kills me. How do we even know what the fuck he's doing over there? Who has fucking time to be watching this shit? Can you imagine if that was your goddamn job? And then you're going home on the subway. And then you're sitting next to me and you're watching me losing my shit because I can't download the new operating system. And you're sitting there.

dealing with the fact that there's some chubby little fella on the other side of the world shoot us some shit that could possibly be on its way over here right now. I don't know. Do you think if the animals had the abilities, they had the ability to shoot those missiles, do you think they would do it in an effort to try to wipe all of us out so they could just go back to fucking catching trout in a stream? You know, if there was going to be an animal out there that would betray us, which species do you think? it would be, you know.

It'd have to be something, at least at the level of a bear. Reptiles are out. Reptiles are like, you know, they're like, you know, there's those kids that go to the, like, reptiles have, like, learning disabilities.

Right? They have, like, fucking dyslexia, ADD, you know, they're like the riddling kids of the animal kingdom. Are they even considered an animal. There's a reptile an animal. I always forget this shit. An amphibian.

An amphibian is something that can be it's like Aquaman, right? He's out of the ocean, he's talking to a dolphin, and then later on that night, you know, he's getting sushi. That'd be fucked up, right? He's on a date getting sushi. There's dates sitting there looking at him, like, you know,

you just seem like you're somewhere else, you just got like the way of the world, and he's sitting there going like, I wonder if I'm eating something. somebody that helped me out one time. Remember that shit? For some reason, they would all come and help them. They never really explained that, did they? Why they all liked them?

Why they would interrupt whatever the fuck it is that they were doing to stop some other fucking people in a boat because they're bringing a key of cocaine or some shit into the U.S. And it's just like, a whale doesn't even know what cocaine is. why is it going to hurt its tail smashing this boat? Because as much as it can smash the boat, this pointy stuff, right? There's the mast and all of that.

He could hurt himself. And all he gets is a thank you. You know, does Aquaman go, hey, thanks a lot. By the way, there's a bunch of plankton over there. A little heads up. No one's seen it yet. Oh, thank you, Aquaman.

He never did. You just be like, oh, thank you. How fucking insecure are these goddamn fish? Here's another thing, too. I'm sick of fucking hot. newscasters, male and female. All right. What are you trying to do here?

You know? I don't need to be aroused when I'm fucking listening to world news. Holy shit, what happened to that fucking lady's face? Oh, it won't go down. Come on, go down, scroll down. Oh, man, I don't get how to use computers. There's something on the side.

Where is it? Where's the lady? All right, an Arizona woman played dead. All right, wait a second. Oh, this is all this clickbait stuff. Kendall Jenner's nude photos, sparks. Who gives a shit? She really is the best-looking one of all of them, isn't she?

No offense to Caitlin. All right, so I guess now we're going, so we're going to, we're having a war with Afghanistan, we're having one with Iraq, and now we're going to have one with North Korea. You know, isn't this like when Home Depot opened so many fucking locations, they like started putting each other out of business? All right. Jesus Christ. We're going to do another one.

We're going to start another one. All right. What are you going to do? Hey, you know, what the fuck? I guess, I mean, what do I know? I'm just another asshole with the podcast. Just trying to struggle through an hour. You know what I really wish?

I just wish, like, you know, why can't they just do it? There's some guy shooting off his firecrackers. You don't like it. Just go fucking do it. Stop dragging me into it. showing me what this guy can do and how his missiles can fucking you know his little Roman candle

can fucking somehow land on my house what does that do for me? What might go do it? Stop putting some plywood up on top of my house like a hurricane's coming? Christ, you're in the fucking Navy? You go, that's your job. Is it world news when I can't put together

my new hour or stand-up? Oh, shut up. Go fuck yourself. What do you want for me? So, oh, anyway, so my daughter was grabbing onto this plether couch that we have here. All right, because she's learning to crawl.

And it was funny, she was like planking today, you know, doing like not like what the kids did on the internet. We just laid face down. Face planting is what I thought it should be called. She was like literally doing, she was in upper push-up position. How about that? The upper push-up position. And she was learning something.

And I should have just let her figure shit out. Instead I went, there you go, there you go. And then she just dropped down to the floor, looked up to me and smiled, I was like, I just distracted her. So anyways, they got this plet of couch here, and her fingernails are really long, and she was making that fingernail down the chalkboard sound, and it was driving me nuts. So against my gut, I decided to cut her fingernails, which Nia has told me to do. I said, I don't want to do it.

Her fingers are too small. She wiggles them around, and I don't want to do it. So I got the first four done correctly, and then I did her thumb. and she made this face and started crying and I looked because she was wiggling her finger and I thought I was underneath it and I just just gave her the littlest little

cut on her now the family's here I gotta go get some pizza I'll talk to, am I really gonna pause in this right now? So I made like a little cut on her finger and it was probably the worst feeling I've had as an adult

and you know she was fine two seconds But for the rest of the night, every time she cried, I was convinced it was because of that little fucking scratch I put on her finger. Worst fucking feeling ever. And I don't know why I had to pass that on to you. But you know what? If they can sit there and tell me that this little fucking fat shit over there was shooting off

I guess that's what you do. I'm going to let you know everything awful that's going on in the world. And I'll let you know what's going on in my world. That was awful. And all right, I got to get off the... Hang on a second. Hang on a second. Let me see what's going on as far as people.

people who are coming over. Jesus, I got too much family here to keep going. I'll try to go for another few minutes here. So, yeah, so that happened. And I just immediately stopped. So now she has, like, short fingernails at one hand and long ones on the other. And I'm trying to get my wife to clip the other ones. She hasn't had the time.

And it's driving me nuts aesthetically. You know what I mean? It's like the fact that, like, the fact that, like, the fact that five of our fingers I have short nails and the other five don't is driving me fucking crazy I don't know why it's the same thing you know when black guys walk around

with their pants hanging off their ass like just that you just want to pull them up you know and then the white guy version of that is those white guys that walk around with their shoes untied it fucking I don't know why it has no effect on my life

I don't know what it is it drives me up the wall pull up your pants Tie your fucking sneakers. Okay, just can you be an adult? If you ever seen those guys that take it to the point, literally they have a long shirt on that goes past their ass, and then they have a belt.

It's like, I don't know how they can still walk. I saw a guy one time. His pants were literally below his junk. I don't know. These crazy kids, you know. I guess they have to keep taking it further than the generation before. I figure at some point that someone's got to be a rebel and go the other way. And you start yanking them up, you know, till you do the old man thing where it's right underneath your man boobs.

Anyways, you know what I became fascinated with since I got here? Because New York has changed so much with all these glass towers. I got tallest building in Manhattan. and there's this new, there used to be this place called the Drake Hotel where Zeppelin and all these guys stayed. And this place that replaced it is 432 Park Avenue. And you have to see the fucking views of this place.

It's so, it's so tall, like you can see the roundness of the world or the flatness, you know, depending on what you believe. You can see the end of like, you know, those people that, I think, they think we kind of live in like a giant, coffee cup, is that what it is? You know? I mean, there has to be like, even people who fucking don't think it's

round, it's got to be half round, right? Like you cut a tennis ball in half? Then you just filled it all in with land and ocean. Right? Do they think it's like that? I don't know. Dude, this building on the top floor, they have this website. I think on a clear day you could almost see the

Tapancy Bridge. You actually look over the Freedom Tower. past the Statue of Liberty, past Staten Island, out to the ocean. And the top floor, I can't remember I already talked about this on the podcast, went for $95 million. I think you get the top two floors or something like that.

And then the floor below it, the apartment below it, the second highest one, is still for sale at $85 million. And I think the reason why that isn't selling is who the fuck is going to pay $85 million dollars to still have some asshole walking on his his ceilings

can you fucking keep it down up there you know some rich guy walking around I think you know they probably I would think at that point you could literally be wearing tap shoes and like it's so expensive the person below you can't hear it they got to have some

sort of soundproofing or spongy floors I don't know what it is because I know people who are that goddamn rich would not tolerate listening to just somebody walk, you probably have a herd of horses up to the person below it wouldn't have it. So probably the reason it's not selling is they just can't handle it. They can't handle. If you have that kind of money, you want to be the swinging dick in your building.

There's somebody else above you dropping his junk on your forehead every time you walk out the window, out the door. Can't have that. What I did find interesting was that the building was so tall that he actually had to call the FAA. because I learned the last time I was out here, I flew up to a gig in a helicopter, right? I just wanted to see fly over the George Washington Bridge just to do it. And he said, Bravo Airspace, which would be LaGuardia, JFK, and Newark

was 900 feet and above. And this building's like 1,300 in change. So it actually literally goes up into commercial airspace. So at nighttime, there's like these, floors that are always lit, which is pretty cool. And I don't know if that's because of the FAA or what. They usually just have like blinking red lights on the top or something like that. Like, hey, don't hit this, man. Anyways, I don't know. Who has that kind of money? Who is that kind of money? How long is that elevator ride? And also, how long before somebody base jumps

off the top of that thing? And if you did, could you make it out to Ellis Island? Actually, you know something as far as like jumping? That's not that high up if you're going to try to fly, right? When those guys, don't they usually jump off a mountain. Ron Burgundy. I wanted to shout it from a mountain. Don't they jump off a mountain. They go all the way down a mountain, right?

Jesus, Bill, you've really talked yourself into a corner of here, haven't you? Yeah, I have. I have. You know what I was going to do last week? I was going to sing the praises of a water taxi, which I think I did. A water taxi about how great it was. underrated, taking the water taxi in New York from Manhattan to Brooklyn or vice versa there. Manhattan out to New Jersey, whatever you want to do.

It's awesome, right? And no sooner. And I took the local, too, where we made like 10 stops and it took an extra half an hour, but it was just relaxing. And it was beautiful. I made the mistake of saying how great it was. And like three days after I said that, one of those yellow ones, the guy didn't slow down in time. and he smashed into the dock and like 30 people got hurt, which means really probably 12 got hurt.

The other 18 are looking for a payday. This guy just came cruising in. He was probably texting. I just don't understand how you screw up that bad with a boat. The weather was fine. It was a clear day. Like, what did you do? You just came cruising in.

There was probably the guy's last run of the day. that chicky's been texting he wanted a bang her she finally texted him back hey what are you doing i'm at a bar on pier whatever right and he was like oh fuck it's going down oh shit bam everybody goes flying you know and the boat i was on the guy driving it he's like surrounded by glass so it's not like you know airline pilots you know when they have a hard landing they just won't open the door and they just stay there, you know, so you can't see him because then you go into the jetway. When you're on a boat, there's nowhere to hide. You know, people just walk by and you just been, sorry about that. Jesus, sorry about that. Everybody laying on the ground.

I know I'm not supposed to laugh at stuff like that, but the end of the day, I wasn't on the boat and no one I know got hurt, so there is something kind of hilarious about it, unless somebody got seriously injured, you know. Is this going to spark an internet? controversy now? Is there going to be a group of six people that complain all at the exact same time and it gets picked up? You know, we're going to go to war with North Korea. But first, podcasting can it go too far? All right, 25. I'm trying to get up to 30 minutes here because I don't have any of the advertising right now and I don't have any of the questions either. The New York Yankees are crushing it, ladies and gentlemen. They were down five games to the,

$200 million Boston Red Sox. My $200 million Boston Red Sox. Your $200 million Red Sox. Okay? Because when teams start spending that kind of money, like it's got to come from somewhere. It can't just come from Red Sox fans. It even comes from people who are not Red Sox fans. So anyways, they

I don't know, we lost so many fucking games in a row. We finally won last night, Saturday night. I'm recording this Sunday. And who won 9 to 8 actually scored a bunch of runs for once, but the Yankees are just surging, but they're only up by half a game and there's like, I don't know, 900 games left. We'll see what happens. But I'm watching the Yankees all week on the Yes Network here. One of my favorite things to do, watch them and root against them. It's what I always did. And when I get the baseball package, I lived in New York for so long.

It's hard for me to turn on the Red Sox because I, for so long, my baseball watching was watching the Yes Network, rooting against the Yankees. It's bizarre. And somewhere in there, Sweet Caroline came out, and I don't know. There's just a bunch of weird shit that happens at Fenway now.

I went away for too long, and I came back, and I just don't recognize it. But I am back into it. And I really wish our team would just focus on trying to win and stop getting into arguments with Dennis Eckersley.

All right? He's a Hall of Famer. I love what he does. He's great at his. job and I don't mind that he criticizes the freaking players and Jesus Christ, it's like all these stories that they, you know,

people are like, get the fuck out of here, yelling them on like the team playing and everything. Like, why would you do that to a Hall of Famer? You know what I mean? If a Hall of Fame stand-up comedian criticize my act, I would listen to him. Be like, all right, well, shit. Evidently, I need to work on some stuff.

You know what I mean? I certainly wouldn't start screaming at him on the team comedian plane which is basically a commercial airliner all right I'm going to take a break now because I've got to go out with the family

and I'll come back I'll read some advertising and some questions and we will wrap it up I have not watched the F1 race yet because I don't have the channel and like I mentioned earlier you know I don't know a lot of people that are into it

none of my friends are so no one's really going to ruin it for me But if I had to guess, I hope Lewis Hamilton didn't win again. I hope he's just not going to run away from this thing. And it just becomes Mercedes, Mercedes, Mercedes like I did last year. I hope Vettel won, you know, just to keep it exciting before they go on the break or whatever. All right, that's it. I'm done babbling. I will, well, for you guys, it'll be like two seconds.

I'll be back in two seconds. All right. Hey, and I'm back. I hope this isn't too loud. All right, fucking, the battery ran out. On my other thing, this is me continuing on with the Monday morning podcast. Oh, lovely Mia, how were you this morning? I know, you're not in a good mood.

She's not in a good mood. You know, every couple when you travel, there's the one person that's freaking out that would have going to miss the plane, and then there's the other person who could, like, give a shit. Nia's the one that freaks out. Like, oh, my God, did we leave enough time? did we bring extra batteries in case there's no flashlights on the plane? I don't even, you know what, I don't even know what airline were, oh, Delta.

Delta? Are we on Delta? I don't know. I never fucking know. You know what I, on the way to the airport when the driver goes, you know, I always know what airport I'm going to for the most part. The dude just goes, what airline? And that's when I check my itinerary, my itinerie. I am going on virgin.

I am going on United. Ooh, mommy, baby. All right. So since I last talk to you, which was yesterday, the Yankees. Duh, Yankees lose. But so did the Red Sox. We're still a half a game out. By the way, New York Sports Press, enough with the judge shit.

Jesus Christ, all rise. Then they had this thing, you know, because he's got the gap between his teeth. They're like the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the, we get it. His last name is judge. Jesus fucking Christ. Why do sports pages get away with puns? You know, every fucking other day they got some stupid pun on the back of the sports page because they can't write a fucking joke and they shouldn't be able to because they're sports writers.

You just tell me who won the game. Okay? I don't need you to say, oh, gee, ter. Oh, golly, Jeter. Like, why is it always have to be a pun? Sitting in there, you're all a bunch of writers. You can't come up with anything better than that. The tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

Ugh, it just, like, fucking, it just ruined my goddamn day. I hate when I record just off my fucking computer. This fucking goddamn air conditioning will not shut off. Just shut off already. So fucking loud. Off. Off. Yeah, off. Why is it still on? Mode.

Low. High. Full, low. There's no fucking option here. Off. That did it? Sorry. This fucking, this fucking goddamn air conditioning. It either doesn't work or it's drowning out conversation. You know what I mean?

It's like somebody you're just hoping's going to pass out. But that last 10 minutes before they do, they just interrupt on everybody. So it's what this fucking air conditioning is like. Anyway, so let's get to some of the advertising here for this week. Where the fuck is it? No, that's not it. God dang it. Come on. Come on. We can do it. Oh, look. Oh, look who's here. Oh, would you look at this? It's all zip.

Hey, how about it for O.J. Simpson? Huh? He's out again. What's he going to do? He's out again. He's going to kill not one but two. He's out again. It's O.J. run for your lives. I love when he said, you know, I've lived a pretty confrontation-free life. And that is true, other than when he killed those two people, I mean, he was a hell of a guy.

All right, here we go. Let's read some of the questions here for this week. Microchipping says Revelation 1317 is called mock of the beast. Now, sorry for this click here. This is going to be loud. Block your ears. Three, two, one, click.

Where the fuck is it? I know I looked it up. There we go. Revelation. This is the exact reason why I don't read the Bible. Library. Revelation 317. Let's see if I can get this here.

The temple of God was opened in heaven and there was seen in his temple. the Ark of His Testament. The Ark of God's Testament is the Holy of Holies, the second apartment of the sanctuary. You already lost me. Evidently, you can rent a room out in his church. Or he has one other tenant. In the ministration of the early tabernacle which served unto the example and shadow of heavenly things.

This apartment was opened only by the great day. of atonement for the cleansing of the sanctuary. Therefore, the announcement that the temple of God was opened. Oh, okay, well, there you go. So I guess that explains microchipping. Thank you, Bible. That really is the good book. I mean, I would, I think I understand my computers more than I get the Bible.

I just, why can't they just write it in fucking today's English? They do that with every other book of lies. No kidding. All right. I work for the microchipers. ship company in Wisconsin. Okay, some stick fuck offered my boss a TV show. What the fuck are they going to call it?

How to shed your employees' rights? Thanks, asshole. Sorry, just fenting. Love your stuff. Thank God for your gifts. You don't plunge a clock for Satan. Well, neither do you. You just work for a company in Wisconsin.

Quit the fucking job. They don't what do I do? I don't know. Collect unemployment and not be micro-examplementation. and not be microchipped? Come on, people. Don't give Delta Airlines your fingerprints. All right. Please don't do this, people. Please don't give into this. Don't go to Tiger Stadium and give them your fingerprints so you don't have to stand in line for a fucking pretzel. You fucking dope. And please don't be dumb enough to think, well, dude, my credit's fucked. Good luck if somebody steals my

identity. Dummy, they're going to create a false credit report. All they need is the Lee Harvey Oswald depended on, which will be you and your fingerprints, you're fucking dope. Yeah? You know, in the future, there's going to be a knock on the door and they're going to question why you killed a hooker in the Ukraine. And you'll be like, I've never been there in my life. Oh, yeah? Your fingerprints were. Here's this story of a person who didn't kill a hooker. Now he's getting banged in the ass in the Ukraine because he left his fingerprints at the ballpark. Because he wanted a course like, all right.

Sorry. All right. Vacuums gathering information. Hey, big bald Billy. Thought you might enjoy this article in regards to your recent podcast on companies and fingerprints. Now it seems like those robotic vacuums are selling maps of the inside of your house. So you can get furniture ads. Yay.

a massive Aussie fan Can't wait to hopefully see see you when I go over to the U.S. in the spring of 2018. Yeah, things are just changing so friggin rapidly. You know what it's really going to be interesting is when they microchip everybody. Okay, they microchip everybody. And then they put all the cash.

There's no longer any cash. What's going to be interesting then is all these fucking, you know, drug dealers, all these fucking, And I don't know, anybody who just didn't trust banks and put a sack of money in the fucking wall? What do you do with that now? You know? Now it's all on you.

Now that's not even worth anything. You got to show up with all this shit. They'll be like, hey man, where did you get this money? And you're going to be like, hey man, I earned this money and I already paid taxes on it, man. And they're going to be like, hey man, you got to prove that. And like, hey, man, I can't. And then I'm going to be like, hey, man, well, fuck your bag of cash. What's going on, Nino?

Do you like my song about getting microchips? I didn't hear. Dood, do do do. Here's the story. Oh, you're just walking around. You're getting ready. Neer, you get so nervous on days where we fly. Jesus.

Okay. Well, that was fun. Yeah, so anyways, these fucking lazy-ass fat fucks buy these computers that just, these little robots that fat and sweep up after them, you know, is they're eating like rich crackers with, like, ice cream in the middle of it. Whatever, fat people do.

do it, right? They're always creating some new food, some unholy matrimony of cabohydrates and fucking sugars. They're too fucking lazy to get off their ass and use a vacuum cleaner. So they have this robot to it. And then they map the inside of this person's house, you know, so they can do what with it? I don't fucking know. So they can sell them an L-shaped couch. Can fat people sit on L-shaped couches? Can they swing their leg up to that, you know, that other side of it? I don't know why I'm making fun of the fatties today. Maybe because I started with that fucking guy over there and whatever his fucking name. I don't even know the guy's name.

You know, because he's crazy. I don't need to know about this guy. We should get him to come over to the fucking Detroit Tigers ballpark and his fingerprints. And we'll put it on something. Then we'll go over there and we'll arrest him. We'll stick him in O.J.'s old cell. How mad would he be? Can you imagine if that guy ever went to jail, just standing there?

You know, all that hair on top of his head but nowhere else on his body? You know he's one of those weird hairless adults, right? All right, girlfriend broke up with me because I like your podcast. Thanks me, thanks for helping me weed out the cunt's mate. Come back to SK sometime. Saskatchewan. I hope you enjoyed it there. Girlfriend broke up with me because I have.

like your pocket. I would like to heard more details on that one. What was it that she didn't like about the podcast? My annoying voice, my tone deaf singing, my inability to read out loud. All right. Addiction to online prostitution, tuition, tuition, dear Trojan Bill, over the course of the last year, I've become addicted to online prostitution. Jesus, Jesus Christ, to the courage you have you just go online and you just have her come over to your fucking place like you're ordering a goddamn pizza what is it like when you look through that fucking hole and you see her walking down the fucking hallway the hole in your door whatever you call that thing the little sight thing she comes stumbling out of the elevator um it started off

as curiosity hmm what would it be like to fuck a stranger for money and snobes snowballed into me spending a percentage of almost every paycheck on hookers, anywhere from 60 to 300. Try to stick with the $300 hooker. You really get what you pay for. Bo-do-bo-do-boop, here's the story. I have a bunch of an aerial diseases. He said, I broke up with my girlfriend a few months ago. She had no idea, but I didn't want to drag her into this.

Well, dude, you can't fucking do this when you're in a relationship with somebody. He said, I recently got to. tested and I came up clean. Thank God was what I was going to say and he wrote it too. Thank God. No one knows that I do this and I prefer to keep it that way but I can't help myself from going onto those websites and meeting up with these women. I feel like it's getting worse every month. It's already cost me my relationship. It's costing me a fortune and I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone I know for help. What should I do? And I'm sorry if Nia is in the room and completely I'm completely disgusted by this.

I'm pretty disgusted with myself too. All right, this is what you have to do. The second you wake up, you got to rub one out. All right? And then you go to work, and at lunch, you go, that was delicious. Excuse me. And you excuse yourself.

You go in and you rub one out in the bathroom right now, unless you can't lock the door. And then when you come home, rub one out again. Okay? And then that's it. And then you take your fucking. and phone and you throw it in the freezer. If you have a landline, you rip it out of the wall.

I actually, if I was you, it's like, this is like, if you spend in this amount of money, I would just, I would go to a therapist, you know, and just say, yeah, I'm addicted to online prostitution. I mean, therapists, to hear everything, okay? That's actually, like, that's like easy listening music to them compare to some of the shit they have to, you know,

people will come in there and talk about how they got molested by, one of their parents. I mean, it's crazy shit. You're just like, hey, you know, I like banging hookers. It's cost me a lot of money and I'd like to stop. And they'd be like, oh, my God, you're sort of functional. By all means, lay down on my couch and let's fucking talk about this. Why do you feel you want to get prostitutes?

Why wouldn't you want to be with a real girl? A regular woman. All right. I snooped through my husband's phone. Isn't that a song? Isn't it? I snooped through my husband phone and I liked it. Isn't that a fucking son?

I don't know. Good morning, Billy. On Sunday morning, my husband had his work phone alarm set to 5.30 a.m. Of course, the only person it wakes up is me. After I turned the alarm off, I decided to go through his phone. You fucking whores. Do we go through your shit? They're such fucking whores.

I have to admit that it wasn't my proudest. moment. All right, then I forgive you. You're a nice person. See how I just jump around? But I am insecure. While looking at his message, I see that there are texts from a phone number without contact information and quickly figure out it is his ex-girlfriend's number.

In the text message, there's a lot of flirting, as well as my husband complaining about my appearance. Oh, Jesus Christ. Well, this is what you get for snooping and eventually asking her to get drinks together. while we were visiting his family for Father's Day in their hometown.

Oh, Jesus. They were together for six years on and off through college and high school. She cheated on him more than once. Then when we got together, she harassed me on Facebook and took an eight-hour bus ride to try and meet me. Oh, yeah, so this bitch is crazy, and she's great in bed. That's what's going on. I had to ignore all my initial reactions toward her

and just ended up ignoring her. I didn't want her in my life. I confronted him about it, and his only response was why would I go into his phone? And that if I go looking for something, I'm going to find it. Jesus Christ. When I asked him why he did it, he just said he didn't know. He has ignored me ever since. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Thank you. You were amazing at Colossal Cluster Fest. Too bad you didn't get to finish your set. Hopefully you're in the Bay Area, I guess. soon. All right, you know something? I apologize for calling you a whore 15 fucking times and all of womanhood whores.

Well, he's not leaving any doors open here. I guess what I would do is Nia. She's too busy packing. I don't know. What do you do here? You're married. You obviously have kids

unless you were just visiting his father for Father's Day. Um, well, he's being a total bitch about it. I can tell you that. I think you kind of need to have the what-the-fuck conversation. Like, uh, do you think if you just like ignore me, this is going to go away? Oh, hey, you know, what'd you snooped my phone for? If you're looking for something, you should find it.

Well, yeah. Well, I did. And I did. Would you say that to the cops? Hey, we found a kilo of cocaine in the trunk of your car. Well, what the fuck are you going through the trunk of my car for? You fucking looking for something. You're going to find it. is going to be like, oh, okay.

He fucking deserves to give you a fucking explanation a little better than that. And then you decide if you want to work through it. And if he doesn't want to work through it, fucking dump his ass. This is the best you can do? I mean, come on. You're better than this. Anybody's better than this. Fuck this guy.

All right? Fuck does this guy get off pulling a move like that? a response like that you know I don't I don't get that and that's 100% not fair to you fuck this guy

okay and I'm not saying to leave the guy but if he's not going to discuss it with you then the fucking relationship's over right the trust is gone

all right good luck with that and I'm sorry you're going through that that's really unbelievably painful and that's one of the worst fucking responses

ever slash a little legendary I'm not going to lie to you um Teaching guitar to a cute girl. Oh, Jesus, please tell me she's of age. I don't like the sound of this already. All right.

Hi, Bill. I've been listening to your podcast for a while now. Just picturing this old guy applying Ben Gaze. He listens to this. And I now know you lend, you tend to give some solid romantic relationship advice. So I was wondering if you and maybe the lovely Nia, too, if she's around, could help me out with this one. About two years back, I met this girl in my last year of university. We had a lot of the same classes together, so we started talking.

We have a lot of the same interests. She's really smart. She's funny and nice, and just all around my type. But it turns out she had a boyfriend, so I backed off pretty quickly. To this day, we're friends that we try to meet up every couple of weeks. Is this when Harry met Sally, or is this actually your life? So about two months ago She messaged me saying she always wanted to learn how to play guitar and that she finally bought one

This she wants she's into you do I've been playing guitar for years so I told I'd be happy to meet up with her and show her some easy stuff to get her started It slowly morphed into this thing where every week we meet up after work for a couple hours I teach I'll teach her chords and stuff and we'll talk about life in general Anyway, I noticed lately that a good chunk of the conversation has been about how she's been fighting with her boyfriend, the same guy as when we first met. Yet, how many more fucking signals do you need? Jesus Christ, you've got to put Christmas lights around her fucking vagina there? She also keeps telling me how amazing I'm being for teaching her guitar and how I'm such a great guy.

Plus, the last few weeks, if ever a boyfriend calls and we're together, she's been sending it straight to voice. voicemail. Okay. All right. What does she have to do? Grab you by the back of your neck and fucking push your face towards her. I mean, come on. I'm starting. This guy goes, I'm starting to get the feeling she might be interested. Call me crazy. But this is where I need your advice. I tend to overthink things. Yeah. I would say it goes, I tend to overthink things a lot in general and have actually had issues with anxiety slash depression in the past. I was wondering if you and Nia could help me out here. And I'm reading, am I reading too much into things?

Or does it seem like she's actually showing some interest? I'll take any help on what I should do here. Congrats on your lovely daughter and getting the show picked up for season three. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yes, sir. Jesus Christ, your low self-esteem jackass. yeah she's into you so what do you mean what should you do here

just I would tell her how you feel I would just say listen I hope I'm not out of line here I know you have a boyfriend I would just ask her so what's going on with your boyfriend you don't seem happy you know you're always sending it to say and you're always fighting you're sending it to the voicemail you know you don't seem happy

you're happy and there's a 40% chance there she might cry. When she finally says no. And just say, listen, I really like you. And I don't like seeing you unhappy. All right? And not for nothing. If you ever broke up with that guy,

I'd love to take you out sometime. Now, would you like to learn how to do an F-court? That's it. How about that? F as in, fuck me. Yeah, that's what I would do I just ask her about a relationship And she's gonna say it's not going well

And then just say Well, you know Just say what the fuck I just said Put it in your own words All right? What am I? Serenone de Bergerac over here? Is that the right guy? Is that the guy?

Tell her you the man Tell her you're bad Remember that? What was that? That was that Bruny Dangerfield movie All right I got to go to the fucking airport It's 9 o'clock.

We'll get picked up in 45 minutes, and I haven't even packed yet. I've had my fucking breakfast sandwich there. That's it. That's it. Yeah, that is it. Go fuck yourselves. I will check in on you on Thursday.

And I'm going to go home today. I'm going to watch the Formula One race. That's what the fuck I'm going to. No, I'm not. I'm landing and I'm going directly into the F is for family. Shit, I've got to go back and start writing. Okay, that's it. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll check it. on uh I already said this on Thursday all right bye