Monday Morning Podcast - Dave Elitch | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-9-25

Episode Date: October 9, 2025

Bill rambles with drummer Dave Elitch (Weezer, The Mars Volta) about his new program for drummers 'Your Mind's Ear' available now at www.DaveElitch.com  (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (32:47) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 10-9-17- Bill rambles about the Swamp, Rosie the Riveter, and the Coast Guard. (01:58:20) - Anything Better Podcast - NFL Week 6 Preview with Paul Virzi - Bill rescues his record a bit by going 3-1 and Paul does the unthinkable and goes 0-4.  Both their records sit at 5-14-1 through the first 5 weeks. SimpliSafe:  Go to www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR to claim 50% off a new system. Squarespace:  Check out www.SquareSpace.com/BURR for a free trial with the code BURR to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hims:  To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit www.Hims.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Oh, all right. So it's videotaped here. Whatever the kids say nowadays, the digital. What, it's being filmed.

It's not film. Whatever the fuck it is. Just to let you know whenever you see this, it means I have a special guest. And this is no different. This man is one of my favorite people out here in L.A. one of my great friends and my drum instructor the one and only Mr. Dave Eilich Thanks for having me buddy

What's going all? Thanks for showing up Yeah You know sometimes you have a guest And maybe they don't show up I'm here You have, you already have done A couple of these instructional videos Yep

The first one was getting out of your own way The second one was to get out of your own way Part two Staying out of your own way Which was last... With John Travolta No. Sorry. I love that you're old enough to get that joke. And now your new one, which I downloaded this morning. And you gave me, he gave me a free download and I couldn't figure it out.

So I said, fuck it. I'm going to pay for it. So I can, because I'm going to get it anyway. Yeah, I appreciate that. And this one's your mind's ear. You got it. Yeah. And this one, this one is all about like the technique of playing drums totally broken down with his expertise and all that. And what I've always told people is they'll ask me like, you know, what happens is, you know, along the times when I've been sitting in with these bands

as my playing has improved to the point that people are asking me what I'm doing and I always tell them, you know, about you. And then they always get like nervous. Like, especially like self-taught guys. There is, I don't know if there is that now because so many people just take construction from the internet.

But there was a thing I was coming up where I'm like self-taught man I play from here yeah yeah I don't want to learn technique and come from here and I always tell them what's great about what you do is you don't change what the person plays you just make what the person plays easier yes and more efficient so just to give you guys an idea with my dad drumming that I'm doing in my garage you're gigging a ton though you just did the pretenders thing and you're constantly sitting in with people gigging? You are. You are. I've been sitting in...

That Pretender's thing was like a legit gig, though. I played tambourine with the bangles, you know? I've done some... No, I never did. I would, though. Putting that out there. See, it's going to happen now. Oh, is it Gina Shock? She's the fucking shit, man. Elypsis Sealed is one of the great fucking drum grooves of the 80s. Anyway, so you've been teaching me like I was... There's a few songs out there that I am obsessed with the...

the 16th notes and it's a single yeah one-handed thing and so you were giving me like information on on that and just that alone how much I've been able to increase the BPMs without getting any tightness in here whatsoever is amazing and I always felt like wow all of these friends that I have you know I wish that they could come out and take a lesson with you which I know you do but like you can now like all this

like I was literally so much of this shit that I was watching that I got to watch this morning I was like flashing back to being with you going this is like literally what you would you know holding the stick and it lines up like that and there's like a straight line like this and the gap here and you're using this muscle well the reason why I made it is because I would go through it with people

and they'd be like okay this is great I got it and then they'd walk out and be like what just happened and then they'd get home and want to practice it and then they go on YouTube or Instagram and who knows what they're watching on there Yes. And then they'd come back in. We'd have to do it all over again. Well, I don't know if you know about the internet. There's no rules of libel or slander. And anybody can essentially do a TED talk.

That's the problem, right? So that was why I made it. So people can go home and pull up a video of me doing it. And it's the same thing, and they can work on it and not get convoluted by garbage on the internet. Yeah. And what I always, I think I told this story, but I'll tell it again, was the first time I saw you when you were in the Mars Volta. and I was laughing when I was watching your play and going this guy looks like his arms are going to fall off and then when I talked to you said oh you know that's just like this performative thing like I'm not really hitting that hard yeah it's just I'm doing like a visual thing but like the thing about it is

is if I was a kid and I was to watch you do that I would probably get hurt thinking that I that you would just fucking I mean there are moments where I'm beating the living shit out of things for sure but there are also moments where I'm doing movements where it looks like it and I'm not actually hitting that hard. Because if you hit that hard, not only does it actually make the drums choke sometimes and sounds smaller, but also you just can't do that. I mean, Volta, we would play for two and a half hours. It's a long time. Right. You know, so you just can't do that for that long without just killing yourself. So sometimes I'm hitting really hard, but sometimes I'm just putting on a

show visually, you know, and you have to kind of pick and choose your moments. That's something that I finally, I don't know, Lay was one of the things when I would be playing or whatever and then every once in mind I would videotape myself and I was just like, like, I look like that fucking potted plant over there sitting behind a good drum kit. It's just like totally expressionless like looking down and it's just like, okay, you're expressing your childhood trauma

and this is why you needed a hobby because you don't want to revisit childhood pain. That's not going to be fun for the person watching you playing drums. we first started working together, I was like, I was like, look, you're, you're doing stuff that's not uncommon globally, but like, you're collapsed into yourself, right? You're sitting really low. I was collapsed in. I was lean to the side this way. I had sciatic nerve issues. I had rotator cuff issues. I had all of that from that was, a lot of that was from just like not stretching and then poor technique at the gym. Yeah, it's all, well, that's Diana, you know, that's all the

Diana stuff. Yeah, our masseuse who passed away. Which is why we did the staying out of your own way thing together because it's like you use yourself healthily, like in a healthy way on the drum kit, and then you work out and take care of your body and you put all that stuff together and now you don't have any issues, you know? Well, I like about that, though, is not only you're teaching somebody how to play the drums, you're teaching them how to have a long career because, you know, I'm old and I'm not going

to name any names here, but I'm old enough to see, you know, know, the, I guess all those years are performing and like, dude, I mean, we were, like, everything was self-taught when I was growing up, like, working, nobody went to the gym. No rock stars did. They were all, no. They were all like this big, you know what I mean? Like, on, and like, I just saw a thing with Joe Namath this morning on Instagram, and he was like, oh, yeah, no one went to the gym in the 70s because everyone thought you'd just bulk up and get stiff because no one knew you needed to get massage. Oh, yeah. No, all of that. And, and like, oh,

Also, they also didn't know how to do knee surgeries and all of that type of stuff. And everyone smoking and drinking and eating fried chicken and shit. Well, some things you should keep. Some things, some things they weren't, wasn't all about. Speaking of which, I had my first cigar since January. I bet that was incredible. It was incredible. It was incredible.

And so then like my new rules, I have to go like 10 days before I have another one. Because right around 10 days is when I think like, do I want to do this? Do I want to do I, I just, but I can't go back to being like fucking Jack Klugman on the odd couple every day. Like I have a sports beat and I'm following the local baseball team. You know what is for me when I'm at home and I'm like, man, I'd love to have a cigar right now. I think, am I going to wake up in the morning with the with the ashtray mouth and be like, nah, that wasn't worth it? Sometimes you do and you're like, that was great. Yeah, it's once you cross into the.

alone cigar, which is amazing. Yeah. I would put a lone cigar up there with drinking alone. Yes. Which is really underrated. Like people talk about what a problem that is, but like if you just like feel safe by being by yourself

and you like to get a buzz, like although a lot of the people that I've spoken positively about drinking by yourself are also alcoholics. Yeah, you've got to be. It's a slippery slope. I remember what am I going like, dude you ever like uh you ever drink by yourself and then he was just like oh yeah dude i love it and we almost talked about like like it was this zen thing that we were doing rather than we

had a problem or day drinking yeah i can't do that well listen i can do it but i i don't do it anymore but like what i did love about day drinking is that was like the pros um like at night there was like the jerk off's trying to make the league right but like during the day when you when you walked to a bar and like this is how you knew a pro drinker not only were they drinking during the day they had no interest in talking to anybody like the bartender they know they know each other's names and they don't and they just they just sort of looked they did they would just tap the top of their glass you know and they always had like some sort of newspaper yeah high tops too for some reason these day drinkers love the high tops they had white high tops on and they had like

back in the 80s yeah and they had like the skinny like skinny jeans and then they had like the fucking like in the skinny arms and then they just had the keggerator fucking like torso yeah that's the alcohol alcoholic build oh yeah it was fantastic oh speaking of which i went to the doctor the other day and my liver looks fantastic oh good for you took eight years though but like it can repair itself so yeah good for you yeah i was looking like Kobe beef there for a minute so oh this is but my brain i need to work on that though because i looked at my phone today I was trying to show somebody a clip of something and I looked and I saw all these sonograms like someone was pregnant and they had like eight of them I'm like what the fuck is this

who is this and I go my own like some sort of like open share thing like somebody sent these I don't I forgot my heart doctor had sent them to my phone like he airdropped him because he air dropped him I didn't remember like I just hit say they were in but like to my eyes I was just going through these photos, I'm like, who do I know that's fucking pregnant? Did Nia just send me these? Oh, my God. Oh, dude. Yeah, yeah. Like, I can't handle this, so. No. But anyway,

to get back to your course, another thing, which I had to breeze through someone because it's very long. It's a lot. It's a lot. You were also talking about tuning of drums and stuff, which I'm telling you, out of all the fucking mysteries out there. That thing,

like, you're the one where I can finally actually make a drum sound okay and dude i came to your house the last time we were hanging out doing the lesson i sat down and hit the bass drum i was like it's like jesus dude this kit sounds amazing well that's this this this this is this this is the stuff that you can learn on on this um on this course is like for all you old school guys they used to they used to tell you the pattern to do yeah yeah right yeah but they would be like half a turn yeah half a turn right half a turn Half a turn, and you are the one that say, no, you like, turn it so it's the same resistance.

So this might be a half a turn. This might be a little more than half or a little less. So you're doing it by touch. So once you get the thing, the head sat on the drum, and you get it to a point we can start trying to get a sound, you already have a sound to build from. It's not like, like, whew, like wonky. Well, it's like a torque wrench.

it's like when you're putting a when you're working on a car or whatever you're putting a tire or you're putting a wheel on a car you have a torque wrench so it's like it it knows it's like when you just got done with a kitchen remodel and you wake up and you find your basement is flooded and you're standing there and you're soggy slippers but you remember how to shut off the water you run it that didn't happen you did yes it did oh the only victory I had was I knew where the water shut off was I at least knew that man thing to do and I shut it off and it was yeah no I have an old house and it was like from the fatty Arbuckle era this elbow joint shout out to whatever plumber

that that joint lasted about 97 years well that's when people gave a shit right that's when iron was iron man not any of this imported shit yeah no it was it was it was probably right out of Pittsburgh and I imagine an eight year old probably put it together

no by then they had unions if it was the 1800s that's what it would have been. I think that was further back but like in to bring it back to the tuning stuff that course is broken up in three sections where the first section of it is your aesthetic

approach and your influences and what you conceive of is a good sound or a bad sound or like because so many people go like man you're drums sound amazing how are you tuning them it's like well before we even get to that who do you like who are your favorite drummers who your favorite records who are your favorite bands who your favorite producers like what are you trying to copy what do you like in the first place right like so that's what the whole first section is then it's about how you're

tuning like what you're talking about and then there's a whole section that's like gear anatomy because I know so many amazing drummers that don't know the difference between a lug and a tension rod and a hoop and the kind of different woods you use how drums are made how they're built built and there's a bunch of amazing drummers who don't know anything about gear and that's totally fine but it really helps when you know a little bit you know if you're trying to get like a sound i mean that's kind of like i don't know shit about cars i don't how to drive one right you can live in that that world well basically lean on your drum tech yeah if yeah if you have one but like you know it's like you can know a little bit about cars like you know what a

transmission is, you know, and you know, like, too afraid to open it. No, I wouldn't either. Transmissions are crazy. But, like, you know enough about cars so you could talk about like an engine and a transmission and how they work together, you know, a little bit to where you conceive of how the whole thing kind of works, which is opposed to knowing nothing. That's helpful. All right, everybody.

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slash burr. That's simply safe.com slash burr. There's no safe, like SimplySafe. One of my favorite deep dive videos that I ever just randomly came across was they, it was a black and white film. You have totally seen this. Oh, yeah, the differential? Yeah. Yeah, so this is something if you're not a car guy, you wouldn't, or a physics person, if you're basically a meathead like me, it's like when a car goes around a turn, you know, it's like running track, like the guy on the outside track has to go further.

So this wheel has to travel further than this one does. So all of that, all of the power through the transmission to the differential, you had to turn it 90 degrees and get it, want to be able to turn independent. So this one could be going like this while this one's going slower, right? Yep. And some fucking guy, you figured out how to like have, it looks like this gear is tumbling in there. Some fucking guy figured that out. And you know it was a guy.

Yeah. No. Somebody. That's the Oscar winning movie. The Oscar winning movie that it was an Amish woman and some waspy white dude took it from him. God damn it, women don't know about gears. Give me that. Matilda.

I've totally seen that, though. Somebody came up with that tumbling gear. So that's my thing. Like a ring and pinion. Right. So like when somebody will say like, you're like a smart guy. I always go, yeah, in a sports bar.

You talk about a particular error, yeah. But if you have a tire that needs to move independently from another tire that needs to take this stuff and move at 90 degrees, yeah, you're not getting that answer over here. That's a great video though. I mean, I grew up with cars. and I watched that and I was like wow that was cool I learned something because it's like step by step how it evolved and that was in like the 50s it may be the differential no the film was from the 50s but it was before that no it was like from the teens up to the 50s yeah and there was a guy another guy did one where he had like styrofoam balls and he was putting like these sticks in him to make it be like the gear and that was even more fascinating because like to see an actual differential working this is just a Just a lot, just look at a bunch of teeth mashing together.

But like with that one, for some reason with the styrofoam balls or whatever, I got the hiccups, dude. I fucking chowda breakfast burrito before I got here. You know what I was going to say? Anyway, the third section is the breakfast burrito, the Dave Eilich breakfast burrito. I wish, man. I wish. I made one the other day for the first time. Really?

Yeah, it was good, but I like potatoes in mine. I'm an Irish guy. I love potatoes, but if I eat potatoes on my breakfast breeder, I just, I fall asleep immediately. Yeah. I get it. Yeah. But it's good. You know, but they're good carbs.

I'm joking. Are there good carbs? I don't know. No, no, I'm just. No. You know what you just justify? No, but it's top shelf alcohol. It's keto.

But it's pure heroin. Right. You know what I was going to say? I was thinking about doing this today, and I remember when I first came over to your house, I think the very first time. you had that Bonham kit, the green sparkle kit, right? So it's like everybody... 14, 16, 18, 26.

It was like a museum kit. Yeah, it was like a museum piece. Yeah, it was a 1971 or a 70. Yeah, three-ply green spark. It's like, it's like exactly what he played. And I was like, this is amazing, dude, but like, who are you? You know? Like, right?

Like, this is cool. I was the single white female of John Bonham What you said to me, no, that ended up getting to me one day and I just was sort of like thinking that if Bonham was somehow still alive or came back from the dead

and I said, hey man, I'm a big fan of you come check out my drum kit. If he walked in and saw his exact drum kit, he would be like all right mate and like slowly backed out like this dude is a fucking psycho. Totally. And also what I found on that kit was the only thing that sounded good. was like big band drumming.

Yeah. And like... Zeppelin or like the knack. Right. You know, some Billy Squire shit, you know, like... But what's his face? Oh, what was his name? I just lost his name.

Who... Oh, it's going to come to me later on. Joe... Something... Bobby Schuynard. Bobby Schuynard was... I want to say he was out of Brockton Mass, too. He was the drummer for Billy Squire. And had like that...

you know, big sound, heavily obviously, like heavily influenced, like right down to doing the licks of Bonham or whatever, but he had that swing underneath it or whatever. But that's the only thing that, that's the only shit that sounded good. Right. But if I went to play ACDC, like just that, it was just such a

thundering bass drum. It's huge. And then also I hated how old it was. And just the whole time, oh, my God, I lost this fucking whatever. What am I doing? I got to get this remit. Like, I always loved the, the, the, the, the, symbol attack that. I think that's the coolest thing ever. It is. But like... Then you're going to use it and it's a disaster. Well, yeah, it, they, you know, and the thing goes like this. Yeah, because I had the, I had the 24-inch piety symbol that he had and it would just go

like that and then hit the floor, Tommy. He'd be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, no, exactly. Doing all of that. And then I just, one day I just woke up and I, I call Dean Del Rey. He's like the master of selling things online. I go all of it. Yeah. I even had the Rogers high hat like he had in a drum store. I just sell all of it and they have to take the symbols and people like he only wants the drum can't no all of it yep all of it out of here and then i went out and i got a grech broadcaster a brand new one the greatest fucking decision i ever made but this is what i'm talking about like you would never do that type of thing with comedy right like you have your own thing yeah i hope so yeah of course yeah so like after we had that thing and and i was like yeah you know like you have your own thing

with comedy let's do that with drumming what sound do you want we talked about and you're like I think I want a Gretsch kit, you know? Yeah, so everybody like, yeah. So I guess if you're a musician, you shouldn't, like, if you're like the guitar center dad, you want to play what your heroes played. Right. But you need eventually to grow out of that and then gravitate to whatever you hear in your head.

Exactly. That instrument and then you make that instrument famous. Exactly. And then Jim Ursay would buy it when you died. Or at least like go, hey, I'm going to do that bottom thing sometimes every once in a while, like for fun, but it's not like the only thing, you know? Like, you know, I have tons of drums and I have old Ludwig kits. I have an 80s Gretsch kit. I've got tons of DW kits, which are modern things. So it's like, 9,000 snare drums. Yeah, I have like 100. It's a

problem. I know. It's funny is you're always selling one too. Yep. I just, I sell them and I buy them and I sell them and I buy them. Cigars. If you're a cigar smoker, you cannot get rid of all the cigars in your house because part of smoking cigars is people go hey try the all right man you try these right there's always an exchange and for every two you give away it's like you get three back I feel that's cool though it is cool yeah it is cool until you want to stop and you can't yeah that's what it is well that's why you got to do the alone cigar so no one tries to push them on you yeah I'm definitely am on like a I am on the addiction spectrum it isn't though where everyone's addicted to their phone, at the very least.

Ralph Nader probably isn't. Is he still alive? I don't know, but you know what's my favorite thing? When they were used to try to corrupt him, they couldn't figure out what he was into. So like, because they needed some dirt on him. And he was just being like this man of the people. Interesting.

So he goes to the supermarket. So they send in like a hot chick to hit on him. He doesn't respond to it. They send a different one, you know, blonde, blunette, redhead, white, black, whatever thing. Maybe he's gay. They started sending dudes in there. It didn't work.

They're just like, he must be asexual. Wow. They couldn't get to him. Wow. He just was like a good guy. Imagine that, a good guy in politics. I don't know how he survived. I think he survived because he only got to a certain level of success.

But I have found around the world, though, if you are a man of the people, once you get past a certain level, it's unreal. It doesn't work out too well. Now something always comes along to kind of derail the thing. But anyway, where can people get this? Dave Eilich.com or you can go to my Instagram. You got a spell for my listeners. Yeah, Dave, D-A-V-E-E-L-I-T-C-H.

E-C-H, yes. Dave Eilich. If you're from Denver and you grew up going to Eilich's Gardens, they know how to spell my last name. Oh, nice. My great aunt, Mary Eilich started an amusement. Park in Denver in the 20s. Not that one that's in downtown.

Yeah. That one downtown? Hey, Eelich's Gardens. Is that what that's called? Yeah. Well, it's six flag zones it now, but yeah. Oh. Yeah.

I think they moved it around. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, Mary Eilich was like my great aunt. So people from Denver like freak out when they find that out. It's pretty funny. Anyway, Denver people. No, but Denver actually has a lot of really cool shit. Totally.

It had that and then it used to have My Life Stadium, which was awesome. but they had up the way on the way to the airport there's this arena looking thing and it's a smaller

one so I just looked it up and I found out that's where you know when the Denver Nuggets

were still in the ABA you know and I looked into like trying to like do a small show there or whatever

I think they do rodeos or something there and then also the best booze I ever

fucking had it was right around the corner from the comedy works there's like you walk out the door you go a left and then I think it's the first block it's almost like restaurant row in Manhattan where they have all these places so there was sort of this speak easy

place and we went in there and I had never tried cognac before uh oh and I was with this other and it was like this shit was like 60 years old oh wow and it was ridiculously it was ridiculously expensive and um me and the other act had hung around to see the Monday night football game and so I was just like dude we got to do it and he goes all right so there's this kid behind the bar and I go a bartender you know kid to me he's like 21 22 so I said to him I go hey we're gonna do a couple shots that and he was just like really oh dude that's amazing like it because like it was the most expensive shit they had and I said yeah I go and you're doing one

with us you know I was a little drunk yeah like you're doing one with us and he's just like I don't you know I come with like this Midwest thing in like the mountain west going I I couldn't fucking do and I go I go do this times in life when you say yes and this is one of them this is what a good kid he was he goes okay but can I split it with my other buddy and the bartender I go let's fucking do it that's awesome dude and we we drank this shit if all booze was like this yeah if I could afford to drink like I I never would have quit dude we drank it okay first of all the taste of it was it was it was it was it was it tasted like the past, but in a good way.

It was amazing. And then when it went down your throat, I felt my whole body just go, that sounds dangerous. Dude, it was. And dude, and I'm telling you, it's a sipping thing, too. There's no way, you know. No.

You don't drink it like an airline pilot. And I'm using that reference because one time, one time we were in a cigar bar and we got some top shelf. stuff when we were talking to these pilots and I was getting my license so I was like fascinated with everything that they were saying and the guy didn't know it was like high-end booze the pilot and we gave it to him and he just fucking shot the thing we all like oh and he's like it was good it's like no dude you sit you sip this stuff you sip it so yeah it's not smearing off

well I mean yeah it's in the bottle for 60 years and you just fucking slam it down so we were just sipping it yeah and it was just each sip was like this fucking experience and i was like thinking like you know like these illuminati guys just have like chalices of this wearing some mask with antlers on it dude one of the funniest most uh what's that deadly sin uh gluttonous most one of most gluttonous things ever heard in my life was this guy i knew he goes dude then one of the most overate thing ever is um what does that stuff not escargo what's the what's the fish eggs things caviar he goes how expensive caviar is he goes i order that shit lying he comes to me in a bucket he goes i eat it with a giant spoon watching tv oh my god dude how is that guy's liver i was fucking dying i'm like dude that is the

most disgusting display of wealth i've ever heard you eat you eat caviar out of a bucket dude with with like a salad spoon just sitting there like a little kid oh Jesus Christ listen everybody's got their vice yeah I mean

well anyway let's try to like gradually with that visual with that visual also yeah we don't have to just talk drums like you you're also a coffee guy like me yep

and I got to go over your place because you have a new espresso machine that you got dialed in. Yeah. Dude, you should see this guy's grinder. It looks like something you'd look at a planet with. Yeah, it does look like a telescope.

Yeah, I got a Kofa Tech grinder, the FlatMax 2 for all the dorks out there. There's no shame in it, dude. There's no shame in this. It really, it's a deep, it's like anything. It's like high-fire equipment. It's like drums. It's like you can go really, really, really deep down the wall. It's the Macintosh stereo of grinders.

Yep, exactly. All right. I mean, I did the same thing I did with drums, you know, when I went. I played drums when I was a kid, I got a $300 C-B-700 kit. There was a piece of shit, and I beat the brakes off of it, and then I got a PerlExport, and then I got a, you know, I worked my way up, you know, so you appreciate it, right? Did the same thing with all the coffee stuff. I just worked my way up, and then you can notice the differences.

Okay, let's, we got to hear your setup, man. So I got that coffee tech flat max, too, and then I got- just fucking throw that out there like it's no big deal. It's like the Porsche 9-11-R-S fucking turbo. So you got that sick-ass grinder? Yeah, that thing is a tank. I think it has like 93 millimeter burrs. They're huge flat burrs.

And then I have the same machine you do, the La Marzaco Micra. Oh, that thing is my favorite. Yeah, it's incredible. I mean, that's it. It's just those two things. Yeah, I'm such a snob now that when I use other people's espresso machines and when they go to, like, you know, steam the milk and it's like, I'm like, what the fuck is this?

well it's i used i can't even get like the like the vortex thing going on it yeah yeah yeah it kind of becomes a problem because like it i can't really go anywhere and get like a decent macchiato or a cortato or something like i stop going in my neighborhood too because like the best coffee's at my place yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you make a great latte thank you yeah yeah yeah oh dude that fucking made my day yeah yeah you do you do yeah well i it you know i got the i have the uh i got the machinery although I went to a place recently. Wait, did you get the grinder? I haven't got the grinder here.

I still have the basic. That's going to blow your mind. That one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which, by the way, don't ever grind coffee beans when you have somebody on your Bose, it freaks them out. I bet. They think you're like song.

Well, it's weird how Bose like picks up, like it'll make it louder. Yeah, great. That's what I want. Yeah, yeah, no. Not the, uh. I don't claim to be the smartest person. So anyway, I got to get back in for a, I want to you to see where I am. Yeah, I want to see this one-handed 16th note thing.

It sounds like it's going well. But like you doing that, I don't know anything about sports, but since you're so into sports, there's a ton of analogies you can use in playing sports. You know, it's like if you're playing golf and you try and cream the ball, it's not going to go anywhere. You try and hit it as hard as you can. It's just, you know. I know. But it's fun.

Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course it's, you know. But, like, there's so many analogies you can use. But, like, you being able to do the 16th thing and then be like, oh, my arm's getting tired and then understand how to release it. And they're like, oh, I can keep going now. It's like, that's complex. Yeah. No, and the stuff that you taught me, too, where I was, like, leaned.

Like, if I was trying to play something on the bass drum and I had the hi-hat going, too. Yeah. Like, because I was, I didn't have a strong core. My SOAS wasn't strong enough. I had to lean back. I was like lean back like this to almost counterbalance being up like that. Like I couldn't do this before. No.

Well, and you were collapsing yourself. Yeah. Right. So for the drummers out there, one of the most amazing exercises that I found for hip flexes or whatever is you sit with your feet like 10 and 2, put a water bottle on the outside and try to sit straight up and lift your leg up and then set it down. Only do literally sets of four. and I would do one set of four

and see how you feel because it's like something that you just don't do that so it's really confronting your muscle is like the next day I was like really sore just after doing like

I was like a set of four a set of six no you know what that's not right what I did was I did like two or three sets of them and then I realized I can't do that yet

I need to do sets of like four and then work up my strength now I can like do it but like that was the thing when I could finally end up like faking good times bad times is like because I was able to be like on top of it and

balanced on this on the sit bones and stuff like that and this is all fucking I know this is nerd shit this isn't exciting but this if but all of those killer fucking ideas you have all of a sudden you can do them but also if you're as I imitate John Bonneman

don't have a killer idea okay but dude if you're if you're listening to this and you're sitting in a cubicle at work you can apply all the same stuff So many people are collapsing in themselves. They have sciatica. They don't hold. So it's just like understanding how to expand your body up and out and get on your sit bones, get on top of your pelvis.

And so you can use your back to hold your body up. You're sitting down all day. Like that's just as relevant. I mean, I see people all time where they have the same repetitive movement injuries and they're just in a cubicle all day. Right. You know, so it's like it's all relevant. Well, here's a good one for that. And when I was in New York.

I saw this guy, he was on a scooter, like delivering food, and he stopped at a red light, and he brought his arms up like this, and then brought him, like, straight back, like at 3 o'clock, and then turned them around. And I was just looking like, the human body can do that? I could never do that. Yeah, so what I did was, you know, I just got like a hockey stick. And with a wide grip, I could go all the way down like that. And then every day, I just kept going like, if you even do that,

just expanding this, like how much. lighter opening your chest your lungs and all of that i was kind of like um you know just driving yes computers drumming reading yeah you know texting to be more jerking off everything like it's everything really really let's just really not very drumming thing you will jerk you will be on your sit bones you can have both feet off the ground just fucking rubbing one oh sorry I mean, it really is. You could just, I'm not that guy in the infomercial. I mean, you can apply this to almost everything.

No, but like those are the types of things, especially I think for men. Oh, yeah. Like they don't. So I became sort of obsessed with like, I try. My daughter could do a backband, so I tried to do it. And it was just, it was like. Oh, God. I was like this table.

So, but now I can actually, I had to get an exercise ball. And I was like trying to reach touch. I was like, oh, no, that's making all these fucking noises. But this was the thing. thing doing that and bringing it around like that was the exercise that oh because i thought it was just this here but you also need to like stretch out this and all of that so now i can actually get three quarters of the way up and doggone it i'm a happier person but it's it's all the diana shit man it's like if diana linden rest of soul yes yeah it's like if you didn't see her as much as

you saw her and learn as much as you did from her and same with me um you wouldn't know to do all that stuff, right? It's about like the body's designed to expand, right? And in order to get the body to expand and use it the way it's designed to be used evolutionarily speaking, you need to get a ton of bodywork done and you need to stretch and you need to use yourself in the way you're talking about. Because with technology and furniture and cubicles and laptops and stuff, like we're all just collapsed into ourselves and you have to do a ton of work to be able to get the body back to its natural state of being. yeah you know there's really not a lot you know when i was to the doctor he was telling me he goes

he goes at your age he goes lean and mean that's what you want to be lean and mean i'm like but came from the 80s i like lifting weights i'm still lift weights you know yeah i listen to my doctor but also like fuck that guy you know no i'm kidding no i'm gonna listen to him well that's really what does he know i went on i know a two dot fucking net it's all it's all the diet man for me that's the hard part i can work out five six days a week but But then I'm like, nah, I want some tacos right now. I want some Indian food. That's the hard part from me, man.

I mean, you're a pretty disciplined. I'm a pretty disciplined guy, but when it comes to food, that's hard. I do these interviews, and people will let you know if you've gained three pounds. A, Billy fat tits. Hey, Billy tits on his balls. Dave, Billy fat face. And it's just like, no. And, you know, there's, like, fat shaming really gets a bad rap.

Gets results. it does i'm just like you know as much as that hurt they are right is it because i'm not sitting up it's like no it's because you're a fat bastard um well you know what i got off sugar a couple years ago and then this past my past birthday you know i was out in new york i was doing the play and i was missing my family and i was fucking depressed so uh rather than getting a giant cake they went out and they got cupcakes so I just had one of them dude it took me like I'm still struggling to stay off off and that was July August September so now like I figure what happened yesterday like the last

couple of days I've just been like I need to go back to just say no no no no no no so I did that so now it's starting to fade but like last night you know I was thinking hey you know I'm feeling kind of sad be nice to have my sugar go up that's basically what it is yeah so then what I did instead was I just the least exciting option was just like a handful of like raw

cashews and I ate those instead yeah that's what I did well there's going to be some hassle that I said actually raw cashews are worst in heaven ice cream according to a new study oh yeah you know what I've been doing is just New evidence shows. I've been eating a handful of frozen blueberries instead of like some sort of sugary garbage.

That seems to be helping. I know. I can tell it's good for you because of the monotone way you just said that what I've been doing instead is grabbing a handful of frozen blueberries. It scratches the itch, you know. Grapes are supposed to be good. Yeah. But, you know, you talk to Dean, right? He got, he went like cold turkey off sugar like forever again.

Yeah, he did. He did. And then, yeah, you went through some bullshit, you know, some grief. and he kind of put it back on and then he was like, all right, I got to take it off. Dude, he's like lean and mean again. Yeah, Dean Delray,

who by the way, dude, is, you know, you know, when you get excited when a drummer gets better that you're teaching. He's written the funniest shit that he's having. Oh, you when he comes to a thousand oaks. When I saw you guys the other night, I was like, God damn, dude, he murdered. Yeah, he murdered.

Yeah. And he had some of the best fucking shit. Yeah, it is the best shit that he's written. Like, you know, I know, I know. the sound of Dean killing and I was backstage I was like oh he's killing killing no yeah and it was like effort killing yeah yeah it was great it was a great set that was a fun night because uh Bianca Bianca had just gotten her citizenship so we were just teasing her just acting there's something different about you we just kept acting like she was automatically dumber

because she was now American it's like you speak five languages but whatever did you feel like getting a truck yet give it it's fun come on when in row Get a fucking truck Speaking of what shoot I'm I'm loving the new car man Having another It's been a long time since I had like a stick shift or whatever

I kind of like it but the only thing it sucks It doesn't have like a cell phone charger But what is good is if you don't If you don't put the seat on A seatbelt on it doesn't give a fuck That's great Yeah but you know what you know what Then you go through the windshield

No no but I But sometimes you're just backing out of the driveway And moving the car Sure And I don't need like the whole fucking time I'm doing it. Yep. Beem, me, me, me.

So, what was I going to say? The new car, stick shift. It's gone. It just left me. My Citro and that I took you out of when we went up in the helicopter, you know, that car's from 1973. So it's like, by today's standards, it's not that fast at all. But like, it's such a more, like.

Visceral, say it. Yeah, yeah, visceral. You're integrated into the car. Like, it's so much more fun to drive with it. The only smart car option the thing has, and it drives me up the fucking wall, is when I go to put it in reverse, the, I haven't, I think I finally figured out what makes it do that. What does it do? I'm sorry, I could give you that information, right? Is it automatically tilts down on the passenger side so you can see the curb, which is great if you're parallel parking.

The mirror? Yeah, but if you're, yeah. the mirror itself will tilt down so you can see, which is cool if you're parallel parking, but if you're trying to get out of a carport and not hit the gate, I'm looking at my driveway. So it's like, I think if you have the drivers,

the passenger side thing's selected and you adjust it back, it stays. But if you move it back to neutral, then it'll go down again. And I was literally screaming at the mirror. I yelled, stop doing that. That doesn't surprise me. Did it work?

No, and I really felt. stupid. I'm sure some nerd on YouTube has made a video about how to fix it if it's possible. Do I go into settings? I don't know. That's my new thing. You spend a 30 of life sleeping and another third going into settings. But that's talking to a 20-something that's rolling their eyes because you don't know how to do this yourself. Even though I think AI is going to be the end of us all, that is one of the nice things about Chad GBT is if like it's wrong a lot, But, like, I was setting up a camera of... But aren't we all?

Yeah, yes. I was trying to set up a camera thing in my studio at my house, and I'm a total moron when it comes to technology. And, like, when it works, you're like, oh, that was great. It actually, I figured it out. Or I didn't, but it figured it out. Jet GPT. Yeah, Chad GPT.

Did you just... GPT? I didn't know how to say. No, I just didn't know how to chat. GPT. Yeah. That's when you go, hey, Siri. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I want to fucking go to Turkey and get some hair plugs, how much is a flight right now. Yeah. I mean, it's wrong a lot. But, like, I was trying to hook up like... Turkey is a traditional dinner on Thanksgiving. That's not what I asked you. Exactly.

I have a date on Friday night, and she said she liked a full head of hair. But, yeah, anyway, I forget why we were talking about that. But, oh. Somebody's trying to tell me the other day that somebody got, like, beard hair transplant. and that's like pub hair and they were trying to suggest that they went down by his balls and it was just one of the

exactly, it was one of those stories where I was just going like this doesn't sound real. Wait, do you have like a patchy beard and you want to fill it out? Yeah, when it doesn't connect when it doesn't connect. Why don't you just give up?

I feel like if I had a patchy beard like that I'd be like, you know what, this, this is... But usually if you have a patchy beard you have a full head of hair and usually if you can grow a beard in two seconds, you lose your hair. That's how the hairiest fucking that's how it usually works.

Wait, what? Say that again? I'm saying usually people with patchy beards all have a full head of hair though it's like the hair goes it's either on the top of your head or it's fucking growing out of your face

so these fucking assholes with their full head of hair they want what we got huh I've had a beard when's Trump going to stick up for that I've had a beard since I was like 15 but I always knew I was going to go bald so it was just like whatever yeah but you didn't go till later

no I mean you know you know what it was is I I had a big fucking after for a long time and then I did like the high pony afro thing and then all these yoga bros started doing that and I was like I got to get rid I didn't want to have the receding hair line in the front and then a afro bun in the back that is a bad look I also didn't want to be like the old shogun a shogun warrior of a certain age yeah I didn't want to be doing that's a bad look so I just shape well that's great that you knew that though because there's so many people

there's some hairstyles that are coming back I saw a guy the other day sat me at a restaurant and it was the classic Yanni smooth jazz it was like it was up and over and down and there was

something like some sort of something going on here that was tied up and goes down it's just like dude you just need like a saxophone and just play me over to that booth was he wearing a hemp necklace too well he was at work so I don't know but like he was definitely in 94 7 the way hey smooth jazz yeah that one white dude in the band yeah he had that he had that vibe like

yeah he can play he can play well he had long flowing hair but also kind of a high pony at the same time yeah as a bald person it bugs me when somebody has a beautiful full head of hair and then they just have a shitty haircut it's just like dude you have no you could end up like me but then i also look at i'm like well that's a cool thing that you did that that you actually had that style because someday you won't someday someday that option will not exist but the option to download this man's great side we got we got to wrap it up here yeah um the option to download this dude like seriously there is you know so much just misinformation and lies on the internet.

Someone who's actually out here that really has a passion not only for playing and making music but also like helping people, which is a great thing. That's what you do as an older fella. You reach back and you reach down.

You try to not reach back. Reach down. Reach back. You fucking get canceled. You reach down. You try to pull some people up. That you have this passion for teaching and everything about like the right ways

of doing things. And I just love that, you know, you're giving people this. and then it's theirs it's free to use however they want to use it for whatever they hear between their ears you're doing a great thing thank you man so it's uh you're living proof your mind yes yeah yeah all you guys are going like damn bill you've been like practicing i've been talking to this fucking guy uh your mind's ear available at dave eilitch e L-I-T-C-H like the carnival out there in Denver amusement park sorry oh my god I just insulted your family crest out there in Denver, Colorado.

Thank you guys so much for listening. Have a great weekend, you're cunts, and I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? Hey, baby. It's a Monday morning podcast. For October 8, 2017, what's going on? Yes, I'm singing a little bit of Tom Petty.

I was lucky enough to be at the Florida Gators game in the swamp against the LES two tigers and B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, Bha, Bha, Bha, Bha. That fucking SECC football, 80,000 people, whatever the fuck it is, going absolutely apes shit. And they had this great tribute,

which I'm sure some of you saw the clips online of the whole stadium saying, I won't back down. It was fucking odd. You know, it sucks. The guy died, you know. But he leaves all that great music and all that. What I would have.

Yeah. That's a great, fucking, that's a great life. You know what I mean? Considering all the shit that fucking happens nowadays, the fact that that that guy was able to make it into his 60s, the very least. Still sucks, he died, you know, but whatever. It was a great, it was fucking awesome.

You know what's hilarious as if you were there. Everybody sang the shit out of that first verse. And then when the second verse came along, you saw the radio fans and then the real Tom Petty fans, right? Everybody knew the first birds. Like, well, I won't back down. Noah, Stam, I don't know the word, Stam, my ground, and then all of a sudden the fucking, everybody knew the words.

Hey, baby, right, and then it gets the second verse. Listen to it. Everybody's just kind of, well, everybody's just waiting for that. Hey, baby, there ain't no easy way out, right? So, anyways, we went to the swamp out there in Gainesville, Georgia, where Tom Petty is from. Evidently, I didn't know that until he died, and I knew he was from Florida. Yet another great musician from Florida, right?

You got all the fucking almond brothers were from down there. You got Tom Petty. I don't know where the heartbreakers were from, but, you know, I mean, he met him, so they had to be somewhere near Florida, right? Somewhere in the fucking lower 48. But Jesus Christ, did that stadium. Ben Hill fucking stadium, a.k.a. the swamp. Did that thing ever live up to its fucking name?

my God we had upper deck seats and it was it was just fucking it was ridiculous first of all we go up there and they had like the aluminum seats up top

just like the old Patriot Stadium you know and if you stood up during the winter time when everybody had the big winter coats on if you stood up too long after a good play or most likely a disappointing play back then when you went to sit back down you lost your seat and then you were just sort of standing up you couldn't sit down and then people would

pelt you with hot dogs and fucking snowballs and all that shit and you know what you did you laughed and all your friends laughed at you you didn't make a fucking you didn't have a cell phone to make a video and turn yourself into a victim you know so um anyways um we were sitting up there and you literally had to just walk back into the tunnel and with all that heat coming off the field and all those people there like literally where you walked into the stadium became like a wind tunnel so and i was going out there man and i'm going to tell you right now there was a bunch of people just fucking sitting down all shapes and sizes all ages from kids all the way to old people just sitting down like yell i got to take a good fucking 10 minute break here

or i think i'm going to fucking die and then mercifully the sun started to go by the way it's october it's october it felt like fucking august and um the son finally went down. And it was a great game. I know, you know, the Gators were missing their starting quarterback. And I also know, obviously, LSU had that horrible fucking loss last week to the Trojans. Troy. And so it was a big win for them. It was just a fucking, it was a great game. Unfortunately, that kid missed that field goal. Everyone was chanting his name, Eddie, Eddie. You know, I don't know what happened. The fucking kid missed the extra point, which kind of suck because I would love to see an overtime. But there was this one

LSU fan, this old guy. Just, he was fucking hilarious. Even like Gitter fans, it's as annoying as he was. He was just this old guy and he would do these stupid dances whenever LSU had like a big play. He looked ridiculous and was making a complete ass of himself all the while having the best time of his life. And, uh, and everyone, I don't know, it's just, just one of those great fucking moments. Why you go to sports and all that shit. And, uh, you know, we had a great time.

We didn't even pay for fucking. parking either. And then we found out why afterwards because we were so buried in. But it was just awesome. To finally go there, legendary school, legendary fucking field. And I actually learned this about that field, is that that field is in like the top 20 biggest stadiums in the United States. Here they are right here. Michigan, number one, number two, Penn State, then Ohio State, Texas A&M, Tennessee. LSU, Alabama, University of Texas, USC, Georgia. That's the top 10.

Then UCLA, the Cotton Bowl, Nebraska, Florida comes in at number 14. That was pretty psyched. As far as the top 10, I've been to every fucking one of those stadiums except for Penn State. And what's the other one? Michigan, Texas, Tennessee. I haven't been to Tennessee. So I got to fucking knock those out. All right.

I got to try to do that shit. I know. It's fucking stupid shit. But this is what this podcast is. This podcast is stupid shit. All right? Stupid shit that doesn't fucking matter. And then listening to me, you know?

All these fucking assholes. You know, I've been getting letters lately of really heavy variety. I don't fucking do that on here. You're listening to the wrong fucking podcast. There's enough of that out there. This place is to forget your fucking troubles. Fucking assholes. some douchebags sent me this fucking email.

The name of the email was fuck America. And then he goes on to present his argument about gun control. It's like, buddy, you started it off with fuck America. Like, how is the people that you want to listen to this going to listen to it after that? So I won't be reading that one. You know what I mean? At least fucking people screaming and fucking yelling about this and about that. You know what I mean?

Every time there's a big fucking tragedy. You know what I love now? I love how everybody's got to fucking weigh in now, right? And then, like, it becomes, my favorite things is celebrities react to the hurricane. You know what I mean? Like, oh, oh, good. I need to know what J-Lo thinks about a category five. Oh, was she upset that that happened to Houston?

Who wouldn't be? Who the fuck wouldn't be? I don't fucking, I just don't understand why they do that. I've never fucking understood. There'll be like a fucking earthquake. And then it's always like hashtag fucking fucking thinking about, you know, wherever the fucking earthquake hit. You know what's funny about those fucking accounts?

Most of those, like, if you're smart, I guess, you don't do your own account. You have somebody else do it. So whenever anything bad happens, they actually had somebody else doing it for the person. So they don't get in trouble. they don't say the wrong fucking thing. I just,

everything has just become that. I missed that whole story about Cam Newton. He said some smart, addictly thing to a fucking female reporter, right? And rather than her just settling with him being like,

hey, Cam, why don't you go fuck yourself? And then they laugh it off, and they both drink a Bud Light or something, a Miller Light, like they used to, how it used to go down. All of a sudden now, he showed up to the game today for some reason dressed like a pimp like a I don't know what

and then he's got like a fucking Rosie the Riveter I'm thinking that he's going to say all these positive shit about women I don't I just I don't fucking I don't it's just one fucking apology

after another meanwhile the world is going to hell in a fucking hand basket and I got to fucking sit here and I'm going to watch that. I need to see the resolution of that. These two fucking adults cannot solve this amongst themselves.

I swear to God, I was half listening to Cam Newton. I swear to God, he was talking to Rosie to Riveter as if it was a real person. Am I out of my mind? Wasn't that like a caricature that represented women working in World War II? Was there really a woman named Rosie, and her middle name was the, and the last name was Riveter? I might be wrong, you know? By all means, let me look this up before. I have to have a press conference and fucking apologize to somebody.

Here we go. Rosie the Riveter. Rosie the Riveter. All right. Rosie the River is a cultural icon. Yeah, I swear to God, he was fucking talking like it was. maybe he wasn't that would be fucking hilarious and lastly i'd like to apologize to rosy the riveter i know she did a lot of things uh she riveted a lot of rivets back uh down there by the river

and uh i apologize um here's something i wish people in the press could do i wish they could get their balls broken a little bit more especially if you got if you kind of go in the locker room you know what i mean if you're gonna fucking go in there people are going to bust you chops like the athletes like they should be able to sit there and be like what did you say you bald fat fuck who couldn't run 30 yards without having a heart attack what was your question about my my decision in the second quarter why can't they do that i don't understand why they can't do that what'd you say lady um you addressed me as miss sports reporter go fucking fuck yourself.

That stupid-ass story will get more fucking coverage than pharmaceutical companies basically being heroin dealers. You know what I mean? They're not going to fuck with that because they advertise on that channel, but God forbid

somebody throws one high and tight at somebody with a fucking clam and all of a sudden, oh, Jesus, the whole fucking world stops. I'm not saying he shouldn't apologize. They should fucking handle it. He didn't say it. to me.

The fuck am I sitting there watching it for? I don't know. He lost like advertising money. I mean, who can even fucking remember? Like, what, you know, the only one thing I could ever remember, this is some of the greatest advertising, I guess, because I can remember was Shaquille O'Neill did a bunch of Buick ads. And that was the funniest fucking thing ever, because, and a lot of people instantly when

they saw that, it's like, Shaq doesn't drive a fuck. fucking Buick. It's one of the top 50 NBA players of all time. What the fuck did he do with his money that he's driving at Buick? Even if he blew all his goddamn money from being a player but he's still got a TV gig. He's not driving a Buick. He can't even fucking fit in one.

Maybe that fucking roadmaster from back in the 50s. Cut the roof off of Riviera. Maybe. I don't know. Take out the front seat. He could sit in the back end. I don't know. actually Shaq is memorable I don't know why he does that and then he has the one with the little monopoly guy

the general which just looks like the cheesiest fucking insurance ever you know and then Shaq does that you know I'm not really smiling I'm just smiling because I'm going to get paid you know where he has the under and the overbite he just puts his top teeth on his bottom teeth I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about

I usually like I said I usually don't fucking do these when I fly on the same day I just of course I have no fucking time I have a million fucking things to do What else? What else? What else? What else? Oh should I address this? I will address this The big fucking story that everybody's talking about out there I am of the firm fucking belief

I am of the firm fucking belief This is a new theory I'm not saying I'm right but I am of the fucking belief that the fucking attention that they give to these fucking lunatics is why more than ever people do that lunatic shit. Like, do you remember

when Kim Kardashian, she made that sex tape and then all of a sudden somebody got a hold of it and then it went out there and then it became like this porno tape? And up until then, that was unbelievably embarrassing and it fucking ruined you and then that was it. That was fucking

it. But somehow, she came out the other side with the TV show and it's now like a fucking, like an icon, multi-fucking millionaire. And right after that happened, what happened? A bunch of women who wouldn't have done that shit went out and tried to do that shit because they saw it. And what stopped it was none of them fucking made it. However, if they started fucking making it and started getting attention the way these

lunatics do, I saw on the cover of People magazine, they're like, oh, and this is the deadliest yada, yada, yada of all. fucking time. You're giving these fucking lunatics a number to now shoot for because the same way I sat on TV and I sat at home on TV and I'm saying, oh, look at that stand up comedy. That looks cool. I want to fucking do that. Lunatics want to

do this other shit. I am of a firm fucking belief. They should not fucking shouldn't say the dude's name. That's it. You go in, you whack the guy, you throw him in a fucking incinerator and then you throw his ashes in a fucking

sewer. That's it. All right? And then you take care whoever got fucking hurt. That's what you do. All right. But all this fucking shit that you then put it on the top and then, you know, one of these fucking channels they're going to do like they do with the serial killers. You know, you never know

the victim's names. You just know that those fucking people and all the fucking celebrities, you know, who if they even run their goddamn accounts then they got to fucking comment about it. The celebrity reaction to the tragedy where they weren't at. You know something else? Oh, fuck it. I'm on a rant. You know what else I like? I liked all these douchebags who were taking videos of themselves.

They weren't anywhere near it. Hey, just letting everybody know that I'm all right. It's like, yeah, dude, you're 20 fucking miles down the street. Who to fuck even knew you were there? Who are you making this for? You can't just text your friends and be like, yeah, dude, I'm cool. I don't know. Everything has got to be about, everybody's got to make it about themselves.

It drives me up the fucking wall. It drives me up the fucking wall. I have no solution for this shit, but I do firmly fucking believe that they have to stop making these fucking lunatics famous and ranking, you know, the body count. I might be wrong. What the fuck do I know? I'm a comedian, okay? I'll apologize next week. I'll wear a fucking a Ted Bundy button on a pimp hat and I'll fucking apologize to somebody, I guess.

I don't know what. All right. There you go. I'm done with my fucking rant there. Anyways. What else? What else? Oh yes.

I went to the fucking, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers game. That shit just drives me nuts. It's not about so-and-so's fucking reactions. It's about the people that were there and then the people who came in and fucking helped the people. It's not about the lunatic that did it.

It's about those people. That's who it's about. It's not about you down the street. No, he's fucking there. and I fucking, the DJ, start playing records. And I was like, whoa, what's going on? Anyways. I had a, I went to,

I went to the fucking Buccaneers game. The pirate ship one, not the Choo Choo Chene. It's very confusing for Boston sports fans. Okay, we got one with a pirate ship, one with the Choo Choo Chene. And fans were fucking great. Great goddamn fans. Love the stadium. And, you know, it's funny.

You could tell that they, They built the pirate ship first, and then they put the flat screen, the giant screen afterwards, because the Buccaneers won Super Bowl, I believe, the 2002 season. And I vaguely remember them. They brought the flag up and they put it up on the ship, which was cool. You know what I mean? They're buccaneers, their pirates or whatever. They got the ship or whatever, right?

But now they got this giant flat screen. So the fucking championship flag was blocking the TV screen. So now their Super Bowl flag is made out of mesh. And it's difficult to see. It's like you won a Super Bowl. It should be a giant fucking flag. Move the ship or fucking put the championship flag somewhere else. Maybe they have another one.

I couldn't see it. But that struck me as funny. You know what I mean? It also made me like Tampa Bay. But I'm just going, look at these fucking guys. They don't have a zillion dollars. They're just adding on to this thing like somebody bought a house. Then they got a little money.

They put a fucking addition on it, you know, and somebody bought a boat. Then a recession happened, you know? Then he came back to the good times. He bought a big fucking TV, and then they got to adjust the sales. You know, it's why you ever see like a degenerate gambler sitting there playing cards? You always see like signs of when they want. They'll have a really shiny bracelet, you know, dirty hat, but like $500 sunglasses. It's just like it's up and down, up and down.

up and down look the whole fucking wardrobe dirty jeans with like a fucking wearing a mink um anyway so we went there had a great time was embarrassed by this one patriots fan who just would not sit down he was this fucking you know this guy with like 140 pounds and he never got this shit kicked out of him clearly and he just wouldn't sit down and people argue well it's his right if he wants to stand up it's like but this you know this this guy he brought his girlfriend, she's short, she can't see around him. There's nobody standing in front of them. And this Patriots fan was like, you know,

threatening to punch him in his figure. I'm going to punch you right in your fucking ear. It was really like Patriots fans arguing with Patriots fans. It was fucking hilarious. And I saw that. We even won the game when we came out of the stadium. And I saw it there was a group of fucking Patriots fans. And they were like arguing with each other.

And I just heard vaguely heard this guy going, dude, why can't I wear a Teddy Bruskey jersey? What the, if you can fucking wear a? And then they just kind of walk by. But anyways, it was a great time. And we had a great show out there. And then the next day, old sober bill, 53 fucking days in. We rode up to the swamp and listened to Ozzy on the way up.

Because on the way up day, you kind of go not, you get like within like 10 miles, I think, if you take the 75 north of where Randy Rhodes died. So we listened to some early Aussie. early solo Aussie, I should say, on the way up and just had a great time. Pulled in, fucking smoked a cigar, had a great fucking time. Got to go to another SEC game. It was a great time. Definitely a great time.

So thank you, everybody who came out. I will definitely be back. I think the next time I come back, maybe I'll go back for Florida State. I've been to Miami. I've been to the Gator. so the only thing left really is Florida State And then there's that one in like Is it Central Florida?

There's another one that always has a lot of NFL players Is it Southern Florida? Something like that? I can't remember. Whatever, whatever. I'll figure it out. Oh, that Patriots fan wouldn't sit down. He had a Tom Brady fucking jersey on in salmon shorts

And everyone's going, dude, sit down, sit the fuck down. First time somebody said sit down and he turns around He goes, you ask me nicely. Little shit, little fucking guy. And not like a stop. Not like a Tidomi-built little guy. This was just a slight man. And, I don't know, was taking sports way too seriously.

I remember we got a first down, like a big first down at the end of the game. And he did like that, you know that, remember that Jordan thing that he would do? We'd make a fist and he'd fucking bring his arm up. You know, when he sank the fucking shot and it was over. He fucking did that. You know? When the Patriots got a first down, he had fucking lower jaws sticking out and shaking. I don't know what the fuck.

Just looking at him, lunatic, and he just wouldn't sit down. And finally, Bartnick got him to sit down. I can't tell you what he said. I can tell you what it started with. He said, hey, Giselle, sit the fuck down, and I can't say the rest because everybody, you know, everybody gets all fucking up tight now. But you know what? It was effective.

He sat the fuck down and did not get up for the rest of the game. And when he did, a few times he got up on big plays and everybody else got up. And he sat down. Then he was finally a fucking gentleman about it. Here's an interesting question. Paul Verzi asked me on the ride back. He goes, do you believe in destiny? And I told him no.

He goes, no, I'm just asking. Do you believe, like, Michael Jordan was destined to be the greatest basketball? And it's like, no, I don't. I don't. And he was saying that he did. But he believed that it's just you have your destiny. and whatever your destiny is, like, that's what the fuck

your destiny is. And I just don't believe that. I don't. You know what I mean? I think you're born with a talent. And if you work your fucking ass off, you can make it happen. However,

how fucked up the world is, there's a bunch of people that can take your destiny away from you. Like, you can fucking have, you know, your destiny is to be whatever. You're going to be a doctor and fucking blah, blah, blah, blah, and then you go out one day, you drive down the street, and you get hit by a drunk driver, and you die.

So, like, that was your destiny was to get hit by a drunk driver. I don't think that, I don't think it is. I don't think it is. I think if the world was a perfect place, everybody would reach their potential. But, you know, I've said this before. Like, the world doesn't give a shit about your dream, whether it comes true or not. It fucking sucks. And even if you make all the right choices and all that shit, you know,

some fucking lunatic can, you know, take it away from you. So, see, this is why I don't talk about that shit. All you cunts asking me about it. I don't want to fucking talk about it. The world is depressing enough as it is. All right. The All Things Comedy fucking Festival podcast read.

We're having our first All Things Comedy Festival at the end of the month, October 26th through the 29th in Phoenix, Arizona. I'm going to be there recording my first ever live Monday morning podcast. I don't know how I'm going to do it. If I'm going to dress the crowd, if I'm just going to come walking out, I don't know what I'm going to fucking do. Doug Stanope, the great Doug Stanope, the legendary Doug Stanope, the national treasure. That is Doug Stanope.

He's doing his podcast at the Orpheum Theater. Bert Kreisha, Ari Sheffir, Jen Kirkman, and the Crabb Feast are also on the lineup basically we're taking over downtown Phoenix with a pop-up podcast studio and the whole network is going to be there.

If you're in the Phoenix area come hang out with us. Go to all thingscom to get your tickets. I can't wait to do this man. This is going to be fun as hell. It's really going to be fun as hell. I know this has been like a fucked up podcast

because I'm trying to talk around a lot of shit And yet another one of my fucking friends died. Co-workers died. And it's just fucking, fucking sucks. It sucks. You know, Ralphie Mae, the great Ralphie Maeke, unfortunately passed away this weekend. And just legit, legit, legit, fucking murderer.

That guy just fucking killed. He killed him the first time I saw him. I think it was, um, was it the late 90s when he came out? I believe it was the late 90s. He came out and there was already another comic there, bigger guy, Ron Lester, who also has since fucking passed away, unfortunately, which I didn't even realize he died last year, so rest of peace to him. And, you know, those big guys had to deal with, like, clubs, they kind of had this thing

where they just, you know, they had their big guy comic. and so it was like weird they almost were like in competition with each other and then Ron ended up getting all this acting work and he just sort of stopped doing stand-up but Ralphie came in and it just was just a fucking was a force to be dealt with and you know that just fucking sucks remember you always telling me he was going to teach me how to smoke meat or whatever like that you know because he was just going you know how to do it bill he's like you're from fucking Massachusetts I'm from Tennessee. I'm going to show you how to do it, blah, blah, and of course, we both got

busy. We never got around to doing it. And I know he's got two little kids. So, um, I imagine someone's putting together a benefit somewhere for it. So I imagine I'll be doing that. But, um, yeah, it was just a fucking, just a fucking sad. Sad time. God damn it. Um, I remember I did the, I did the traveling virus tour with him. I did a lot of gigs with that guy. like a lot of those sort of you know i don't know he was much younger than me not much i'm 49 he was 45 we came up roughly he started younger than i did that's what it was because he we both kind of started at the same time i want to say so um he was always as seasoned as i was so i always felt like we were the same age even though i was older than he was so as we went up i

just a lot of comedy festivals, a lot of tours, the tours always got better. He was the guy, I told you this, he was, Ralphie Mae was the fucking guy. I remember I did this gig, Chilkoot Charlies, which is a great gig, but the fucking accommodations was the worst accommodations I ever had. It was up in Alaska and I showed up and the bed literally was broken. and it looked like it looked like the bedbugs left

like they couldn't hack it were like fuck this and I remember the boards were busted and the mattress was like fucking and had a giant crease in it and shit and I was you know

raised Catholic or whatever so rather than expressing that you didn't like it you just took it And just was like, all right, I got to be tough. I got to fucking, I told you, the first night he spent in fucking my walk-through bedroom, my first night in New York City, I felt this thing on my chest, and I turned on the light, and there was a roach crawling across my chest, and I flicked it off my fucking chest. I didn't even kill it.

I just thought it was like, oh, this is what I got to, I got to, like, I got to get myself tough enough to handle this. Like, I'm going to live with bugs crawling over me. Yeah, I'm a fucking lunatic. I don't know what. So anyway, so I do the gig and I stay in that shit all. So I end up going down to the laugh factory. Like a week of 10 days later and I walk in, Ralphie was always hanging out.

Always did the work, you know. And I came down and he was just like, hey, Bill, what's up? I say, hey, man. He goes, where are you coming from? That's what we always asked each other. There was certain guys, you know, that were just road dogs. Headberg, Ralphie, Stanhope, Geraldo. Like these were the guys

Every time I went to a fucking club They either were just there Or they were going to be there The next week I just when I was coming up We were all kind of closed in the same rooms Like headboard was a little bit ahead of me As was Stanhope

And those But those they were roughly my age And those were guys that I really looked up to As far as like You know They were just they were like they started a few years before me

so they were just sort of cutting this path and their style is like I want to do that I want to say what the fuck I want to say on state I don't want to do what they're doing I want to

you know be who the fuck I am the way they are was basically it so anyways we used to always ask each where you're coming from where you're going or whatever whenever I ran to any of those guys

and And so I run into Ralphie, and he goes, where are you coming from? I was like, I did that gig up in Alaska, Chilkoot Charlie. He's like, oh, fuck, I did that gig. Great gig. I was like, yeah, great gig. And I was like, yeah, great gig. And I was like, how about that comedy condo?

And Ralphie got this serious look on his face. He goes, he goes, I didn't stay there. I go, what do you mean? He goes, man, he goes, I took one look at that place. He goes, I'm not staying here. And they got me a hotel room. And I just looked at him. And I said, you can do that?

And he laughed. He goes, what the fuck are they going to do? He goes, it's Alaska. They're going to get another fucking comedian to fly six hours all the way up there, have some lumberjack go on stage and tell some street jokes. He's like, just say no. And that was one of those things. I fucking learned.

I was just like, all right. And after that, after that, if I went someplace, I just, and it was a shit-all, I just said no. And if they just said, we're not paying for a hotel room, I said, you know what? I'm going to. I'm going to pay for a fucking hotel room. And it was worth it To just be able to go back to a fucking place

Where you felt safe And you didn't feel like there was going to be bugs crawling on you Or somebody jizzed all over the fucking bark God knows what Fucked some chick on a period Not even going to tell you that fucking story Every comedian knows that fucking one That goddamn fucking crime scene

Cleaning lady quit And the big rumor was the bloodstains Was still on the fucking windowsill I swear to God this is all this is not myths so god damn it ralphi i'm gonna miss you buddy uh fuck anyways all right let's get into some now that i've talked about another dead friend let's talk about let's about some advertising here let's go to the questions for the week all right fuck you america i'm not reading that one

um are my mom in her boyfriend being selfish or am i uh by the way the person who will fuck you america i'm not saying that you didn't make some decent points there but it's a waste of time for you to write that for me to read it after you write that all right why don't you grow the fuck up and come up with a more mature title and i'll read that how about that how about that and then i'll wade into the topic of gun control as if i know a fucking thing about it or even have a solution are my mom and her boyfriend being selfish or am I? Dear Bill, I'm 19 and live at home working to get this Carpenter's apprenticeship with a local union and please don't say my name on the podcast. Why would you give me

your name, you fucking moron? About two months ago, my mom's boyfriend started coming over and staying over to a point where he was practically living there. Gross. They would stay here and this place They would stay here in his place Exactly half the time The first three days he was here I heard their headboard day and night I was like, who the fuck is this guy?

Oh my God Oh boy Oh boy My mom said they had been friends for a year now But only went on two dates I asked her to have him not be here as much And if she could just come home without him I don't want him

I don't want to talk to my mom with this guy right fucking there. Nothing changed until one night I snapped and went on a rampage. My mom called the cops on me that night, and now the half the time they would have spent here is just my mom now. But here's the kicker. So that's good. You got him out of the house?

But here's the kicker. Two weeks later, he proposed. Oh, boy. When my mom talked to me about it, she asked if I had a problem with her wearing the ring. Literally the question was only about. the ring, not the engagement. I feel totally disrespected by him and my mom for not seeing that this guy has no respect

for her son. I've decided to join the Coast Guard because the union stuff is taking too long. I would have just moved in with my dad if every day he didn't just bring out how much of a bitch my mom is. Jesus Christ, dude, this is awful, man. I'm sorry you're going through this. And now his life sucks and I can't be around that. I'm ready to walk away and just drop my family entirely.

entirely. My mom swears this guy is super nice, but he doesn't give a fuck about her life as a mother and subsequently me. Or maybe I'm wrong. I just wanted to get another opinion because I'm ready to just cut off everyone in my family and walk away. Thanks to go fuck yourself. Well, it's your mom and your dad. You don't want to do

that. You know, I can see why you want to get out of the house when you get somebody banging your fucking mother. I mean, Jesus Christ. Hey, mom, how about doggy style? You know what I mean? You always got to be in the fucking missionary position? Something. For Christ's sake, can you slide down the bed a little more? All right. Well, until you move out, I would recommend getting some wireless headphones. Maybe those Bose ones that block out the fucking noise.

I don't know what to tell you here, dude. I wouldn't join the Coast Guard unless you wanted to. Oh, the Coast Guard sounds like a great fucking job to me. Although I did fucking talk about, you know, that time I went on that thing about like whenever a fucking hurricane's coming, or everybody's, you know, going to safety, like how everybody in the Coast Guard is just like, they got to be on pins and needles because they know some dumb fuck's going to take their stupid boat out there. And then when they fuck up and then they call to rescue them, these poor men and women

are going to have to go out and go fish them out. All right, so what are you asking me here? I would not cut out your mother and your father. I would communicate to your mother how you feel about that guy and how you don't feel that he respects you, okay, and that's the reason you're leaving, I guess. And then I would talk to your dad saying, you know, Dad, I would love to stay with you, but all you do is bitch and say what a bitch my mother is. And she's my mom, and I'm sick of listening to it, all right?

Just try to say it in a nicer fucking way. But I don't, it doesn't sound like they're hearing you. Ah, fuck. But here's the thing, dude, if you're going to be, you can't, you got to fucking clear the air with them because you can't go into the Coast Guard an angry fucking lunatic. Because what's going to happen is you're going to get to a fight or something Because you're pissed off at that fucking douche who's banging your mom And then that's going to affect your career

So this is something that I've been working on This is fucking brutal Forgiving people Like that guy You got somewhere in your head And just forgive the guy for being a fucking moron And so you get that off of you And

when you forgive somebody it does it does a lot for you it gets it off of you and then what you should be focusing on is trying to figure out what your dream is and start walking towards it every day and uh and creating a life that isn't like what you grew up with so your kid someday doesn't have to fucking deal with what you dealt with and uh you know and the that doesn't happen overnight and the mistakes I made was I went out thinking all right I want to I want to change all this about what I didn't like about growing up but then what happens is you you gravitate towards what's familiar and you end up re I think he kind of go out and recreate it um inevitably and then you have to dismantle that and start over again at least that's

what happened to me I'm up superimposed and whatever the fuck happened to me but uh I wouldn't come at your mother or you're or you're dead with anger, I would just say, listen, I, uh, I, I forgive you. I forgive you. I'm not happy with this. I forgive you. I understand. You got to try to do what's right for you. But this bothered me because of X, Y, and Z. And just say, tell you dad, say, dad, you know, so I got to forgive you for something. And now I got his attention. I forgive you for every time that I came over here and you went on and on about and what a fucking bitch my mother was. All right. that did a lot of damage

and it did so much damage that I have to sit here and try to figure out how to forgive you for that and then just stop talking and listen to what he says okay if he's any sort of a man his head's going to drop

and he's going to fucking apologize to you and you can you know and I'm not saying then all the anger you're going to have towards him goes away right then you start that and if you guys work on starting over from that point and really fucking work on it

and really fucking communicate hopefully you can go out into the world and not be an angry young man like I was because I heard a lot of people All right, there you go All right, problem with girlfriend Dear Billiam I have a big problem with my girlfriend

With my lady And red She's coming to me I have a big problem with my girlfriend If we've been dating Well, we've been dating for the past three years and I think I might want to marry her. But for the last month or so, we've been having a fight.

My sister and I are very close, and since my parents died last year in a car crash, we moved in together, which for some reason pissed her off. I don't know why. Well, I mean, where were you living before that? She probably, after three years, wanted you to move in with her.

Probably wants a goddamn ring. then for some reason the fact that my sister and my best friend still smoke pot and that they are doing it then for some reason the fact that my sister and my best friend still smoke pot and that they are dating as well oh she doesn't like that either um i would admit it was weird for me at first but i got used to it anyway the fight was about the fact that she wants to move in that she wants me to move in with her yeah obviously but I don't want to and she refuses to move in with me as long as my sister is there I do love her and all that stuff but this is something that I just can't do my sister is in a very

fragile place right now and my girlfriend can't get that or won't I don't know what to do if possible can you ask Nia I feel like women would understand better well she's downstairs dealing with my daughter um here's a deal with women they they work on a different clock than we do all right so you just took three years of her life all right and all she's hearing is you know that story the telltale heart under the floorboards that's their that's their fucking womb all right they have a finite amount of time where they can have kids

all right before you have to start doing some buck rogers shit okay and women do not want to go through that if they don't have to all right so what she needs out of you is some sort of fucking commitment all right and she was looking for that after three years the fact that all she wanted to do is move in. She's being pretty cool. She should probably be going for the fucking ring, depending on how old you are.

And what I would do with, if I was you dude, I would man the fuck up and either commit to her or I'd break up with her. One or the other. Although the wild card is, is that your parents died last year in a car crash. So you're probably not in a place emotionally to make that fucking decision. Oh, Jesus Christ. You know what?

Fuck everything that I just said. Your parents died in a fucking car crash last year. You got to look out for your family members. And if she can't fucking understand that, then, you know, I don't know what to tell you. I guess you've got to figure out how much you love her. You know, if you got to let it go, maybe you got to let it go. I don't know.

I have no fucking idea. but I understand her side. I've invested three years in this and you moved in with another woman and it's your sister. That seems like a step backwards to her. And then she has to move in. She wanted to fucking...

Listen, this chick wants to marry you. So she wanted to move in and then have you guys have a bunch of communal stuff because women think that if you do that, there's less of a chance that you're going to break up with them, they feel like it's moving in a positive direction. And you went left. He took a left-hand turn

But life gave you a fucking left-hand turn So you're both not wrong Why don't you try that Just say to her Look, you're not wrong for being mad at me And I'm also not wrong For taking care of my sister And then just stare at her

And whoever talks first loses Something along those lines You're not wrong and she's not wrong She's not wrong after three years to fucking be like, what the fuck. And you're not wrong for looking out for your sister when something tragic like that. There's just fucking nothing but tragedy nowadays. Jesus Christ. Sorry that happens for you, sir.

To you, sir. All right. Geographically locked by marriage. Jesus, there's just no ray of light here. Hi, Bill. Love your work. Thank you for the laughter. Hey, something positive.

I've been in a relationship since 2011. with a European woman that became a marriage. I am originally from South America, educated in the U.S., went to fancy school there. MIT. Look at you, you smart bastard. Then got my Ph.D. in Europe. Whoa, Lottie, duh. Spreading your brain all around the fucking world here.

We've been a solid couple. Our glue was out of love from mountaineering. Mountain climbing, is that what that? Mountain nearing? I don't even know what the fuck that is. Is that some weird sex shit? Or does that mean you fucking... It's not rock climbing.

Mountaineering, you just walk up a mountain, yodeling. And outdoor sports. The fuck is mountaineering. Jeep had a wagon here. I remember that. I don't remember a mountaineer. Mountaineering. Wikipedia.

You always have the end. answers. The term mountaineering describes the sport of mountain climbing. Oh, so rock climbing is what people do at gyms now. And mountaineering is if you actually go up a mountain. Okay, I get it.

While some scholars identify mountaineering related activity as climbing parentheses rock and ice and trekking up mountains, others are also adding backpacking, hiking, skiing. Oh, gee.

Jesus Christ. I already see these groups. We're mountaineering too. We just take a ski lift. All right. Mountaineering. All right. Jesus Christ, dude, what are you fucking James Bond? Born in Africa, went to MIT, got your PhD in Europe, you fucking climb, you climb mountains, other outdoor sports. How do you top mountaineering? What do you do? I'm trying to think how you topped it As far as outdoor sports But now things are What else do you do?

You grab cobras by the fucking tail And kiss them on the back of the head By now things are a bit sour What happened? We had always been a solid cup Our glue was out Our love for mountaineering Outdoor sports

But now things are a bit sour I don't see how I can have a career Here in this continent And she's a working class lady who would suffer a lot from moving i also have a good business possibility in my home country brazil oh south america i thought you said africa south america um okay so you simply can't let that go i developed somewhat somewhat of a scorn for the paperwork required to simply exist in europe and would rather be on my own live up to my own country uh make my money

and have the freedom to explore my vast, underdeveloped continent. But she wouldn't be able to come along. Also, for my high-tech education, most good jobs are in the great US of A. But I'm also burnt out with visas and permits and red flags. I don't think I have the strength to beg for a high-tech job that will pay me less than my business in Brazil. Other than that, we get along fine.

She's a solid partner, but not the type who would survive the third world. I think it's a no-brainer but I'm lost Homebound And would love your thoughts Thank you Jesus, I mean too That's a huge You're gonna ask a fucking comedian

Who doesn't know you to make that decision I think at the end of the day Whenever it comes down to stuff like this You have to make decisions That are going to make you happy All right If you don't You're not going to be happy

And then you're going to make the person you're with miserable However, if there's kids involved, then, you know, you've got a man up and suffer. It doesn't sound like you got any fucking kids. All right. If you're married to this woman and you don't have any fucking kids, then, you know, if you're going to start getting resentful and you're just going to argue and argue and argue, all you guys are going to do is take great years, young, healthy fucking years of your life where you should be having a good time and you're going to just make each other fucking miserable.

all right so either you figure out how to fuck to stay with her or she comes along with you or you go your separate ways but um if you need to you know because guys we're not good sometimes expressing ourselves maybe if you sit down before you talk to her you write down what would make you happy you write down the points you want to make i used to do this shit so i could i still haven't mastered this but so i could figure out how to fucking have a productive confrontation and i would list all the points that i wanted to make i would list what i would list what i I wanted, and then I would draw a big, stupid, smiley face, reminding me not to be an angry cunt. So I don't know if that helps you. I hope it did. So anyways, as if there weren't enough tragedies this month, my fucking, I don't want to happen. They didn't record the F1 race today. So I missed that Japan one.

I did see the clip where, for whatever reason, Lewis Hamilton, and Sebastian Vettel were like in some meeting in front of all the other drivers like telling on each other you know he took his steering wheel off the guy's like oh he took his seatbelt off who's loose that just made me I just I just I just I swear to God man I is like F1 is that like the soccer of of motorsports I can't but what kind of a fucking I don't understand people who they they have the balls to drive 200 miles an hour on each other's fucking bumpers.

Staring death in the face and then they go in there and they fucking telling on each other. I just, that was really disappointing to see. I still love the sport. It's such a great fucking sport, but I don't know. You know what it is? Maybe it's just, maybe that's just, it's too much access. I don't need to see that shit. You know what I mean?

I don't need to see that fucking. I don't need to know all the fucking ins and outs. the Rosie the River. This guy fucking complaining about this or that. But anyways, congratulations to Lewis Hamilton, despite the fact you're telling on people in meetings. Shamelessly. Maybe that's like a fucking European thing.

Like, they just have different fucking rules over there. You know what I mean? You can walk around in a banana hammock fucking speedo and that's just totally acceptable fucking telling on people. I mean, that was just, that was embarrassing. I don't know. I don't fucking know. Why did I bring up how much I love boozing?

Now I'm just thinking about getting one of those custom mattresses. Remember that thing where they used to have the lady jumping up and down on the mattress and the guy would have the glass of red wine and it wouldn't spill? That's what I need. Anyways, I started, I got some acting work coming up here over the next, I don't know, four or five weeks. So I got at least another 20 days. on this whole not booze and thing. And I'm actually really enjoying it.

I've dropped some weight and shit. I do enjoy not drinking, but I will tell you this. It's just nighttime right now, and it's fucking difficult. Oh, look who's here. Hey, baby, there ain't no easy way out. I won't back down. You know, it was one of the great things I've ever seen in a sporting event. can you please say that again

do your impression of me again well one of the great things I've ever seen in a sporting event the lovely Nia everybody okay dad um how you doing I'm doing good how are you doing I'm great babies asleep oh god

what's going on it's been a while yeah I got her all up today, didn't I? Yes, you did. She had one nap for 30 minutes all day. That's ridiculous. We were excited to see each other. Yeah, she was excited to see you.

It was cute. You guys were cute. Yeah, it's ridiculous. I love that kid, obviously. Ooh, what do we got here? Oh, I already read this one. Boo. This guy wanted, all right?

I'll just paraphrase these two things, all right? Oh, you already did them? You don't have to go back. Well, there was one guy, all right? his mom he's like 19 he lives at home and his mom has a new boyfriend and he can literally hear the headboard getting fucking yeah terrible terrible right yeah and then if he go he'd go stay with his dad but his dad is always talking about what a bitch is you know the divorce oh that sucks yeah yeah so now he's thinking of just like joining the fucking coast guard just so he no well i mean if you want to but that seems like an awfully extreme what should you get a job at like child work Maybe. Yeah, definitely try to find his own place. Try to stay on land and work it out?

Yeah, I think so. I don't think that you'd have to join. Nothing, there's anything wrong with the Coast Guard. I think the Coast Guard, it's got to be raining pussy. It's got to be. How? You can walk around a uniform, you're on a boat. With a bunch of other dudes.

Yeah, but you're not like, you're not out to sea. You're any times... Oh, does it not count if you're on a boat? What do you mean? Does what not count? I don't know what you're saying. I mean, you know. Oh, right.

You know what? I'm thinking of the Navy. The Coast Guard is not the same as the Navy. No, it isn't. What do you, when you said it doesn't count? What do you mean? What doesn't count? Like, you know, like when guys go to jail and stuff, like it doesn't count.

Like, it doesn't count. Like, you're not, like, necessarily. Are you talking about guys banging other guys? How did you get that? I don't know. And what does it mean it doesn't count? It doesn't count if you're out to see. Whoever said, where did you ever hear that?

I feel like. Do you ever bang a guy? Yeah, it didn't count. I was out on a lake. No, I feel like for sexually flexible men or whatever, like if you're, in an extreme situation, like jail or out to sea. What in God's name are you talking about? Like, it doesn't necessarily...

These people, they go out, somebody tips over in an intertube. There's a drug dealer coming up. They go out and they fuck them up and then they come back. Yeah, they're going to patrol, but this isn't like... No, no, no. I got confused. I was thinking that it was like the Navy. Where aren't you, like, out on a boat, like, for months?

Yeah, but the Navy and then out there fucking each other? I don't even know. They come into port, and then they bang a bunch of... So why was their song, in the Navy, you can help you a fellow man. That was the village people. All right, do you think Native Americans are gay? Because one guy with the headdress was going, macho, macho man. No, but they were singing about, like, guy stuff, like places where there's groups of men together.

Listen, I've been to the YMCA. never fucked another guy. I went there and I used their unbelievably old workout equipment. I played some pickup hoop. I didn't see any gay sex happening there. All right. Well, fine. Obviously, the Coast Guard is not the same as a Navy. But I was just saying that if it was, it would be fine because it doesn't count because you're out to sea. And like, you're just not around your normal element. And it's like... Are you like high right now? Oh, I swear to God, I'm not high. I know I sound really high right now, but I'm not.

But, like, you can... She's getting over being sick, by the way. This isn't like some smoker thing with her. Yeah, because they're going to be like, oh, she's got a smoker's cough. No, I just... I don't know. My point is...

I don't know what my point was. But I was saying, you don't have to be in the Navy. No, I feel like... Oh, he's joining the Coast Guard. He's joining the Coast Guard. I figured that's, that's like a fucking, like, if you meet somebody in a bar, I would think as a woman, the guy said he's in the Coast Guard. That's like being like, you know, women like firemen.

It's like you're a fireman except you're fucking on a boat. Yeah, no, that's hot. Yeah, and you're like going, there you go. Yeah, it's hot. That's what I was talking about. You don't have to go talk about jail sex. I don't know where the fuck that came from. Isn't it enough this kid has to think of here, his mother getting banged up against the fucking headboard?

You got to bring up fucking prison sex? Sorry. You know, this podcast has taken a lot of left turns throughout the years. That was one of the bigger ones. All right. Well, you don't have to join the Coast Guard just to get away from your, but maybe you do. I don't know. What does the Coast Guard do?

They're like the cops of the water. Right. Okay. This is who I married, everybody. It's when you thought she was the brains of the outfit. We have a child that we're going to raise. What is the Coast Guard? Oh, wait, that's right.

Aren't they like the cops of the water? Hey, do they get upset when there's like a tornado and a tornado? Look, I'm a fucking hurricane. Hey, settle down water. That'll be enough of that. No, they actually do a lot of badass shit. But people, they save people's lives. They fly out there and fly all these fucking dopes.

But they are the cops of the water. I mean, they would be insulted to hear me say that. A nicer way to say is they guard the shores of this great country. Oh, can they, oh, that's nice. Can they arrest you? Oh, good. So like fucking that guy from, uh... Christian mail?

Yeah. Oh, good for you. Um, do, can they arrest you? The Coast Guard? Yes. I would love to see you with a giant shipment of drugs when they pulled up. Who are you guys? Do you guys like have sex with each other?

Oh, you're the Coast Guard. Oh, wait, you're like the cops of the water. Wait, can you arrest me? I would pay your fucking, all the money in the world just to see the look in their fucking face. I know, I'm insulting so many Coast Guard members. Officers? Wow Officers

No there's all different ranks I imagine there's semen Keep your mind out of the gutter All the way up to officers Captains Uh huh Uh huh You want me

Hey why don't we do this You know Nia When I don't know stuff I just ask the internet And whoever made a page on it Then I just go Oh that's what it is That's what it is

Okay The Coast Guard let's get it let's get a i got to go wiki on this so they'll actually help me out here all right okay the united states coast guard is a service chief and highest ranking member oh this is the commandant of the united states coast guard sorry your phone is vibrating over the united states coast guard is a branch of the united states armed forces and one of the countries It's the army. Nia, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you can't save everything by saying of the water.

Nia, you've been watching the Kardashians show way too fucking much here. All right. What is that supposed to mean? Jesus. All right. One second. The Coast Guard is a maritime military multi-mission service unique among the U.S. military, uh, military branches for having maritime law.

enforcement can they arrest people with jurisdiction in both domestic and international waters now there's a big one i didn't know international so you can't like outrun these fuckers and then just sit there and make faces at them the second you get out in international waters i didn't know that and a federal regular i thought once you went out in international waters it was captain's captain's law right captain's log uh and a federal regulation admission is part of the mission it's mission set it operates under the u.s department of Holy M's security during peacetime and can be transferred to the U.S. Department of the Navy.

So it is? All right, I'm going to stop. No, no, you're right. So I didn't realize that they were then activated. I thought they were like the, like, sort of the farm team. Like AAA of the Navy. Of the water. Of the water, yes.

You know, there's a lot of people laughing at us right now, and they didn't know that they could be activated to the Navy. All right. is I was just saying This has happened twice that they made part of the Navy once in 1917 during World War I and another time during World War II and that's obviously

you know Pearl Harbor happened and the German U-boats and I don't know what the fuck happened in World War I Okay Were there wooden ships off our coasts? Right No there weren't wooden ships at that point Okay Although the fucking biplanes were made out of like Kleenex

I think all right I think that we've showed how dumb we are A boo, abu, abu, a bubub, bub, but, but, all right, that's the podcast, everybody. If you'd like to see this live, if you'd actually like to see this train wreck live, once again, All Things Comedy Festival podcast, all things, all things, what is all things comedy festival? We are having this on October 26th to the 29th in Phoenix, Arizona. I'm going to be at Stand Up Live on October 28th, doing this podcast. podcast live, live, live. And there's been a lot of people requesting that you're there.

Really? We got the kiddo, so I don't know if that happens. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know about that. Where is it? It's in Arizona. You want to fly to Arizona to do a podcast for free? Hmm.

I don't know. Hey, how funny was it the other day? I'm sorry. I swear I'm not happy. The other day when you were getting sad and you were starting to cry and I just making that sad face, which would then make you laugh and then you couldn't cry. I hate when Nia cries because I don't know what to do. I told you that story.

Big tears, big tears, right? So she was talking, I don't know what the fuck. She was talking something about our kid. You don't even know, yeah, you don't even know what it is that I'm talking about. Like, you don't even care. You're just like, make it stop. Don't do that. Yeah, all I did was she just started tearing up.

She was like, you know, I want to talk to you about something. I'm just worried that in the future. she started doing that and when she did that I just made this I just looked at it I made a little sad face and then she looked up and saw me and you you started fucking laughing it was funny as you had tears in your eyes but you were laughing and then she she kept trying to go back to crying again no listen to me I'm just trying to stay and then I would make the sad face again guys you got to do that to your woman next time she gets no look if it's something fucking serious it was oh you you know it wasn't yes it was it was silly was

It was serious. I thought it was trivial. Yeah, exactly. See, not everyone is going to be as... You know, I thought it was trivial because it was coming out of your dumb head. Exactly. Exactly. You don't even know what it was

that I was concerned about. You were concerned about the cops of the water. You're laughing like you baked. Wait a second. So does the Coast Guard... The ship is sailed, no pun intended. Hey, it's over. Well, maybe, Huba.

All right, fine. No, don't, don't give someone the pouty face when they're coming to you crying about an emotional issue that they're feeling. That's a terrible thing. All right, then tell me what you were concerned about. I'll be immature now. Go ahead. What were you concerned about?

It was about you do it. It's a good move because it keeps you. happy all right that's the podcast that's the podcast i know we have the creepy surveillance the monitor she's so peaceful looks like you shot it with like a dart or something face down she's out it's like some discovery channel when you want to tag an animal um all right that's the podcast for this uh monday uh go fuck yourselves i'll check

in on you on thursday thank you to everybody came out to the shows this week in uh this weekend in st petersburg and I had a great time once again out there. Cigar Capital of the U.S. Nini. Oh, yeah. It was fucking tremendous. It was tremendous. All right, I'll see you guys.

What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast, NFL edition, going into week number six with your host, me, Paul Verzi, Bill Burr, we got themless. We have Jake the Snake on injury reports. Guys, I'm going to get right into it, dude. okay at a five weeks of football i've gone three of the five weeks i've gone oh and four oh three and one and guess what oh and four again i am to say i'm to say to say i'm really dude to say i'm reeling is an understatement i cannot pick a winner to save my life dude these games i feel like i have them in the bag and then two minutes left you go look

the score and it's a fucking game again. There has to be a lot of people this is a, I mean, I bet you could always have the other team like, you know, a couple of weeks ago having the Colts versus the Rams figure that game out. And then last week I had the Eagles, Broncos.

I'm watching it through three quarters. I'm watching the ticker and I'm like, all right, dude, yeah, Eagles came to play. It's just like I said, the Broncos aren't as real as everybody's saying. And then it's like, wait a minute. It has been an exciting year, Paul. Oh, it's been exciting.

Well, I've got to tell you what. It's exciting for one reason here. Oh, the Patriots had it going last week. I was going to say your Patriots looked good. They didn't look like they looked contending good. I'm going to be honest with you, dude. I think I said on this podcast, I said I got a good feeling that Mike Braveld was going to have this team by the end of October. Be the 500 team that nobody wants to play.

But, I mean, like how they look. Look, it was one week. That's the best that they've looked. If we can just take care of the, Paul, who could just take care of the football. We fumble a lot. I'm not going to lie to you. We put it on the turf.

Dude, you're running back. Catch his passes out of the back field. He runs good. Dude, Drake May. How about that kid having poised, confidence? Well, and also what I love is him extending the play coming out of the pocket or whatever. And what's his face needs to, if he could just act like he's playing Buffalo every goddamn week, how amped up he was. Why am I?

I'm thinking Shannon Briggs. I'm in boxing right now. Who are you talking about? The fucking guy who played for the sign with Minnesota, then he played with the Bills, then he played with the Texans. Now he's with us. Oh, Stefan Diggs.

Stefan Diggs. Not Shannon Briggs, Paul. Steph on Dix. Yeah, dude, that guy was a man possessed. Caught the first pass to the game. He's walking crawling like a dog, looking down at the end zone. Dude, he was on fire.

no he wanted that game he wanted that game bad and the post he had like 10 catches for like 150 yards he totally showed up our D showed up dude in the post game in the post game

I've never seen a player almost get emotional on basic questions they were like Stefan did you feel like this is a game you really wanted against your old team and his like voice was cracking he's like well they kind of when he left town they kind of said like yeah we don't miss them yeah and around

about way yeah um so he came back dude dude drake may drake may making passes though that last drive the kid was throwing dimes man well i think yeah i think brable is obviously the guy and speaking i don't want to you know i'm speaking for me but i think i speak for patriot nation this is the most excited we've been since 2018 which was uh brady second to last year the 2019 was the hardest thing that was like, you know, he had nobody to throw to, and then, you know, free agency went to Tampa Bay and that was it. So this was like the, I don't know, so most, it's the best looking team that's

reminded, it reminded me of like, that's how we used to win in the early 2000s when they said we were a boring team with no stars or whatever, that kind of football. And Brable was a part of that. And it's, you know, who knows, we might shit the bed this week. I don't know, because that's still where we are. I'm not going to say, you know, one week is who these guys are, but like to finally, like, have a win like that. Dude, I'm like, I'm giddy. Dude. Billy giddy over here. Gitty built. They looked like they could beat anybody that night. And that's, I wouldn't say that. Like, they would, they would. I mean, dude, they beat the, they beat the Super Bowl favorites. They say that every year about the bills. You know, the

fucking chiefs are going to figure it out, even though they lost again last week. That was another one. Oh, that one hurt me too, because I had them. I had them. I got a conspiracy. I don't want to do that, but I do have conspiracies about certain things. Like, did this whole field goal kicking thing now where anybody is lethal from 50 yards? Like, how much did the human being evolve in the last three football seasons that a human being kicking a ball 50 yards is just like kicking a like a 32 yard or now?

It's, uh, I don't know. do it. Baseball, they've juiced up the balls. Offense sells the game. Where's the next place you could go? Dude, there was literally like 20-something seconds left in a game. And the announcers like, plenty of time left. Yeah. Like so because, yeah, they're going to give them like a 30-yard cushion. And I also like now the kickers, they won't kick it into the end zone because the ball comes out to like the 30 of the 35. So if you notice they do that, they do like this little pooch kick make the person return it and then you try to tackle them before that so you know they run it out to like the 30 yard line and then they get like 20 yards in the next play and they're at the 50

and they've taken like five seconds off the clock and they're like they need another eight yards yeah and and i don't like that they use a special ball to kick they should use the game they said that yeah well there you go paul yeah there's a there's a there's a ball that comes down. Yeah, is there? Is there? There's another ball, Paul. I want to kick that ball. I bet I can hit a 30 yada now. Oh, Billy, extra point. Give me out there. Dude, that would be hilarious. If we could somehow get our hands on one of those field go kicking balls. Hey, I have an idea. Baseball. I was watching the Tigers. Oh, my God. They were down three nothing. And then their bats came alive. There was this bang, bang, pickoff play by a right.

right-handed pitcher, too. Back to the thing. Nailed this guy. It was so close. And this umpire got it right. They went to review. And if I was an umpire in Major League Baseball, I would have a fun bet. It's a pool. Everybody throws in a hundred bucks or whatever. At the end of the year, the umpire that has the most, like, went to review and they got it right, wins like a golden camcorder trophy or some shit like that. Yeah. Because this guy, dude this dude was the stud he was just like no man you you were out you were out and they 100% got it right um oh i forget i had the other one i forget what the other one was i had a couple of like i don't know stupid baseball awards sorry paul that started off good and then it just

it just ran it ran to the weeds no no it's all good man uh it isn't all good it fell on its face and it needs to be addressed i've no one to blame but myself i didn't get it done sorry Yeah, you started out with confidence. He came out, you're like, oh, dude, this guy. No, because halfway through, I was like, wait, I had another one, and I couldn't, I couldn't remember what it was. They do get graded, though, right? The officials, they get graded.

Those are the guys that go to the playoffs. The umpires. The umpires. What did I call them? The officials. Oh, okay. Well, they all get great. Baseball or football?

I think all of them get graded in all the sports, and then those are the guys that go to either the World Series Super Bowl. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, there was one guy, Angel Hernandez. I don't know if you remember him. Dude, this entire, like, Instagram page is dedicated to that guy. Angel Hernandez was the MLB guy that everybody just hated because he would, his mood would dictate the strike zone.

And he never was in the big one. He was never in that I could remember. Let's bring in Jake. What do you think about guy? I feel like guys that just, like, want confrontation. like it has nothing to do that's like some childhood shit he always did he always did he would

do a call bad and then look right at the ump or look right at the player and like want them to run out at him he was that guy oh yeah he was that guy yeah he would be like that sounds like that sounds that sounds like he had an angry

father yeah it all goes goes back to let's bring in everybody like digging in you know calling time like digging in just to be angel man listen i don't know what happened to you before this game but it's not your fault all right and then i'll suddenly the strike zone expands uh angel dude nobody understands you dude nobody understands you dude have a good game dude yeah whatever it is dude angel i got a good feeling you and i had the same kind of father the catcher's like

what the fuck uh let's bring in jake the snake here. Jake the snake, come in here. Give us something, dude. I need something for me. Is Lamar Jackson playing? I mean, what's going on with the injury report, Jake? Yeah, not a lot of good news there. Lamar's probably going to be out again

against the Rams. So, I mean, the Ravens could be looking at one and five going into their by week. So who knows what their future is going to look like. There was a trade that happened the other day. I don't know if you guys saw, but Joe Flacco was traded to the Bengals and he's expected to start

for them on Sunday Rest of the Packers. I love Joe Flacco. Yeah, he's great, but that O line, I mean. How old, Andrew, how old is Joe Flacco? Is he 41? I mean, Joe Flacco has been in the league forever.

He's got 41 years of knowledge in that noggin. They just show him on a commercial flight, like just standing in, like, line in economy, going to Cincinnati. Good for him. They flew him coach He's 40 Okay he's 40

Which means he got in the league at like 22 or 21 So he's been he's almost been in the NFL for 20 seasons Dude I was in my mid-20s when Joe Flacco was a rookie on the Ravens Yeah he won the Super Bowl like what was that 12 years ago He won the Super Bowl yeah

Against the 49ers it's like yeah it was like 2012 I think But yeah I'm flying dude It's flying Well, I'm happy for him, and I hope, well, dude, like I said, you know, these past few weeks, I'm going to keep saying how wrong I was about Daniel Jones, but, like, it really is, you know, the offensive line is so much, you know, if you're going to be a Hall of Fame quarterback or somebody,

people yell at it at a hooters, that you were a bust. So much of that has to do with what's in front of you, which I guess is really obvious now that I just said that. I'm not having a good week here, Paul. All right. All right, God. I got the first pick of the week. Before we get into the picks, we got to shout out our sponsor. It's the great BetMGM sponsor, guys.

They're the best sports book out there. All you guys have to do is download the BetMGM app to your phone and put a minimum of $10 into your account and make your first wager. If your first wager loses, you will get $1,500 back in bonus bets, okay? Bet responsibly, have fun. It's a great deal. They also have, and use our code. Our code is Burr, B-U-R, use the code, and you can have fun with the bonus bets. also first touchdown prop we have.

It is you pick any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown of that game. If they get it, you win. If they don't, but get the second touchdown, you'll win your cash back. So you kind of have a, you know, you kind of have a second chance there. Make sure you read the fine print, bet responsibly, have a great time. My first pick, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm 5.14 and 1. Don't go with me.

Okay, I got to dig myself out of this hole. I got to get my side. I got to crawl out of this whole bill. It's a rebuilding year for you, Paul. Hey, listen, four in a row. Four in a row. What do you want for me? Don't fucking pack it in, Paul.

You're about ready to do the greatest comeback. This is your month, Paul. This is Paul Verzi's month. Listen. Turn it around. Listen, the Yankees had a dynasty that failed or that came to an end. The Patriots had a dynasty that came to an end. The Cowboys of 49ers.

It happens. It happens. When are they doing the 30 for 30 on Paul Verzzi's four in a row against the book? I don't know what it was in 2025. He just, he just something changed. Then all of a sudden my wife is like, yeah, he wasn't eating right. He wasn't having fun anymore. He used to be excited to beat the book.

And it's just, and you're like, I lost my passion. I lost my passion. All right. What do you got, Paulie? All right. for my first pick oh I'm not touching the Giants I'll tell you that much

oh tonight's going to be tonight might be ugly um Paul can I tell you something about the Thursday game don't ever forget don't ever forget division rivalry

only four days to prepare that's true like Nick Siriani can't do his shit he only has four days so it brings down his level and it elevates your guy who needs a hat and some sunblock

you know what I'm going to do I'm going to go with the hottest team in the NFL right now. They had a big win. Thank you, Paul. No, no, no. No? I'm going to, well, they actually are one of them,

but I'm going to take the Jacksonville Jaguars at home minus one. Jacksonville is four in one. Trevor Lawrence looks good. The new coach looks like he knows what he's doing. And they're at home, and it's basically a pick-em. I'm going to take Jacksonville to go five-in-one to start the year against the Seahawks. That's a pretty quiet. four and one, too. I don't hear anybody really talking about them. Jake, just to protect Paul,

because he's a little wounded right now, is there anything going on that he needs to know on that game? Seattle, is there a reason that's only a one-game, one-point spread? No, I think you're looking at two pretty even teams. Seattle has some injuries on defense, if anything, but otherwise, Jacksonville is especially healthy, so injury-wise, it should be all good there. Okay. All right. Jake, don't go. away, buddy. I got a question for you. Sure, right. I'm looking at that Dolphins Chargers game and that number

seems a little low to me. Yeah. Offensive lines heard. What's going on? Yeah, the offensive line is really banged up for the chargers. It's coming up in the last couple weeks. And then we just lost another running back. All right. I'm taking the Dolphins plus four and a

half because it doesn't make any sense to me. It's a home game. And, you know, I still think they got a competitive spirit down there. in some other sports cliches. I'm taking the Dolphins. The fact that we did this show without Jake for years is so funny. We were just big not knowing.

All right. I took the charge of the last like four, maybe five weeks now, and I will not be taking them this week. I mean, I'm off finally. I know. Well, I mean, if you have to look, I usually look at head coaches now. Obviously, Jim Harbar is more experienced and that type of stuff.

But, you know, if you guys run in for his life, it's a home game. dolphins need a win um yeah right go ahead how did they move that game to the panthers did you guys see the ending there because i like didn't i just saw that they lost i was i was stunned i don't know thought that was crazy right i don't know dude come on paul this is just what makes that little old land i'm going to take look i got to do it he thinks the giant can cover but he know that they can't.

Look, Buffalo is coming off a rough loss against the Patriots, dude. It was a rough one. And this is less than a touchdown, more than a field goal, less than a touchdown against the Falcons. I'm going to take Buffalo to win that game by 10.

I like that book. You don't have to go crazy. Just to cover the spread Paul. I liked it until you said by 10. Yeah, let's get the three. Let's see whatever. It's four and a half, right? Four that way. All right.

I like that one. Let's see here. I got points in the first one. I'm going to take the Cowboys, minus three and a half going in and playing the Panthers. Ooh, I like that pick. Yeah, smart. I like that pick.

Guys, why you jinx to me? Everybody just agreed like that was a fucking foregone conclusion. Well, the Panthers stink. Yeah, the Panthers do. Are the Jets winless? Are the Jets winless? They're the only winless team. Yep, which is crazy.

Dude, the Jets have something, dude. There's something, dude. There's something. I mean, look, dude, they made Aaron Rogers look like his career was over. Or wait, that's not fair. That's not fair. He blew out his knee. Yeah, that's not fair.

But it happened when he wore a Jets shooting. Dude, the fourth play of the Jets career was, I mean, dude. I know. And as the hard as that was for him, wasn't it really the football gods looking out for him. They're going to do. We got to get you out of. We've got to get you out of here.

Dude, not only is he playing great for the Steelers, he looks great in that uniform. Dude, he's been great for them. I hate that spread there, too. All right, from my third pick, Baker Mayfield and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I like that game. Yeah, that's me one of my picks as well.

minus three against the 49ers in Tampa. I just, you know, it's a low spread. I like it. No point five either. I like the three. And Baker Mayfield is having a, dude, Baker Mayfield's having one of the seasons of his career. Yeah, I feel like he's not a secret anymore.

Like that guy was kind of a, you know, he's just a, he's a winner. Like to the point, Colin Cowherd finally just, he finally capitulated. And it's like, all right. I think that was a good, good for him. It only took him nine years. Well, how long it takes me to admit that Daniel Jones is a great quarterback? I mean, whatever. He's like, you know, what happens?

Hey, Paul, sometimes you're wrong. Sometimes you're wrong a lot. All right. I actually fucking, now that, you know, all the rivalries gone with the Colts, I really enjoy watching this team. I hate that number. If that number was six, if the Colts were minus six against the Cardinals. We also don't know if Kyler Murray's playing.

That's not been decided yet. Well, listen, that's like getting into a relationship with like some fucking chick that was just doing jello shots on the bar, you know, letting somebody sniff or tits, all right? It's exactly like that. That's exactly what I was thinking. You took the words right on my mouth. All right.

I have on my cheerleader coat this week. I might as well go with the Patriots, even though there's a big chance. This is going to be a letdown game. All right. They're going into New Orleans. Oh, my God, dude. If I had the time, Paul,

if I had the time, I would be at this game. Minus three and a half going into one of my, I think, the best stadium in the NFL. The redone New Orleans Superdome, they kept enough of the old thing and they got enough of the new and their fans are great. And I

fucking absolutely love that city and the people down there. But I hate to tell you this. You're going to lose the Patriots and it's going to be more by more than three and a half. How about we got maybe a new Adam Vinatari? Dude. Ice water in his veins.

And Adam Vinetieri. One week. One week what my team is. How about me doing this dumb shit, Paul? Huh? Dude. Adam Vinatieri was his hero, and now he, dude, he bang that. I don't know. I like it. I do not want to play the, if I'm an NFL team right now.

Paul, if you're an NFL team, what would you do right now? I would not want to play Brable's Patriots right now. I think Drake May is really coming into his own right now. And it wasn't, even though the throws were great, it was his face. Okay, listen to me, I'm Sicilian, dude. I look at a guy's face. I know. I looked at Drake May's face, and I go,

This kid got it. You know what? Come on, Paul. You're going to tell me when you looked at Eli's face and a football helmet, you knew when he was like this? No, but Eli had to put the helmet on for me to know. The hardest thing alludes to the Giants was not the loss. Is that the quarterback looked like this.

You know, his mouth would be hanging open and his face was all squished in and he was killing us. Actually, to be honest with you, come on, Paul. the helmet catch and your defense, dude. The defense doesn't get enough love. I would say at this point, like the defense has got to be going like, come on, guys. I know the quarterback's the sexy position, but you got Tom Brady off his spot. Yeah.

They only scored 10 points in that game in 07, yeah, or something like that? There was something really low number. No, it was 1714. 14. So, yeah, I mean, holding the greatest offense ever to 14 is pretty incredible. It was unbelievable. Justin Tuck, yeah, Justin Tuck, man, had a really good. All right, my fourth and final pick.

Dude, the most intriguing game on here has to be. Didn't I can say I love the adjectives. The most intriguing game here has to be the Lions getting points against the Chiefs, because the Chiefs are, the Chiefs have shown nothing but that they're not that good anymore. right what's their record i i paul this game scares the shit out of me because of everything that you're saying exactly as much as i tease mahomes and blah blah blah it's fucking patrick mahomes they're going home after a fucking loss hoof the lions are on fire though i i get where you're coming from paul dude the lions are four the lions are four in one and have looked amazing since

they lost week one. I got to see it. I got to see it. I got to see it. I got to see your hand. I got to see the flop. You know when the dealer puts out the three? I got to see the three.

I can't, I don't know, dude. You think that the chiefs are going to go home and beat the hot. I think they're going to win the game. Oh. Paul, it's not good for the NFL either. It's not good for the NFL either. Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift, if it's not good for them, it's a lot of money out the door. They would be what?

Two and four? They'd be two and four. Yeah, I said their record's two and three right now. Is Jaden Daniels playing? Yes. Yes, he is. I'm taking the commanders at home, Monday night football. Oh, probably.

Yeah. Monday night football, minus four and a half. He's back. They're at home. The bears are what? Two and? I want to say two and two. They had a buy last week, so they didn't play.

I'll take the commanders Monday night football at home. They should win that game by a touchdown, I hope. Paul, you almost did the three for you. You did Sunday night, Monday night. All you need is Thursday night. Paulie's a night guy. He's a comedian. Dude, I'm real.

Paul, I hate seeing you like this. This is hard. This is real. I'm going to say something. This is really. Is there anything better? Is there anything better than Paul Verzi, up on the book, talking shit? Him with his hoodie up looking like he's getting over a head cold.

You know, he's just, the man is reeling, both professionally and personally. You know when a pitcher is in a slump and then they go to therapy? That's what I'm at right now. I'm just... Do you know what I did, like, Paul? When you lean back, I saw you have a polo. It's a polo hoodie. Yeah.

It's not sad. You're still winning. I mean, what am I, of course. What we are seeing is a winner with a little bit of depression right now. He's coming back. You got scruff, though, but it's lined up, though. It's lined up. You haven't given up.

No, no, not. It's not doing this stuff and you had it down here. I'd be, oh, Polly. I might have to jump on a Delta flight. Yeah, yeah. It's, hey, it's been rough for me. What are you going to do? All right.

I'm going to have fun this week, and I'm just going to throw one out there. After talking you out of that Lions and Chiefs game, I'm going to take the Chiefs. I actually think that they're going to win this game. I think a lot of people don't think they're going to. And, you know, as much as I have overly hated on that team and not giving them their respect, they are fucking champions. And I don't think that they're going to go out like this. And the Lions, unlike the Chiefs, have not been there. These guys have, they've come back time and time again.

And I just think, you know, I just. I think that not only are they going to cover, I think they're going to outright win this game. Wow. Listen, I like the reasoning. When you put on a shiny jacket, you start to think you know things. They kind of have to, right?

They can't go two and, what are they, two and three? Yeah. I'm going to live and say that this is a must-win game. I would say, not for the Chiefs, but close. You know? Paul, the season, you know, goes by fast, Paul. Andy Reid, Andy Reid, If it wasn't for Andy Reid, if they had some other schlep in there, I'd go, oh, this is the, Andy Reid's great.

Who was the last time they had that many great coaches in one division? I don't think they're ever had to that. Andy Reed, Pete Carroll, Jim Harbaugh. And Sean Hayden. When I go back to when I was a kid, like Don Shula was the legend in the AFC East, Chuck Noll was the legend in the Central. There was like one guy. But they have three. Three of them won a Super Bowl, and all four of them went to a Super Bowl.

yeah which is pretty nuts Sean Payton's the four oh Sean Payton I forgot Sean Payton yeah he won a Super Bowl I mean that's the I'll tell you Paul that's the division you don't want to play I just keep using that cliche it sounds good I like the must win cliche my thing is I like everybody says hey both things can be true

that's another one that one's been going around like fucking COVID everybody I got a win that's what we do next time you get to it yelling at another modus you're a fucking asshole you fucking come here hey man both things can be true i think we're both the asses oh paul monday next special we came so cool right there we were right there dude we had him run one we had them throw one we had it right there and it was the chiefs paul when do they lose a game like that in recent history no never my homest throws a pick six

i don't think i've seen that happen before only because we bet it dude You know a 99 yard. That reminds me when Peyton Manning threw that pick six against the Saints. Oh, my God. Like you're just sitting there. Like, I can't believe that just happened. I remember that game. Oh, my God.

Yeah, absolutely. It's a big one, man. All right. So Bill has the Dolphins, Patriots, Cowboys, and Chiefs. I have the Jaguars, Bucks, Bills, and Commanders. Let's do the Monday Night Special. Monday Night's special is the Bears at the Commanders. I mean, I love the Commander's money line.

Paul, you didn't let me sing my song. Oh, sorry. Let the Monday Night Special win some money for you. Let the Monday Night Special win some motherfucking money for you. We've won it twice this year. Yep, we're two out of five. We went back to back first time ever. Maybe that first season, the first season, Paul.

There was no three-point line. We were fucking draining them. I think we hit four or five that year. We're going to beat it this year, though. Okay. Let's take... Well, that starts with the victory this week. So it's the Bears commanders, Paul.

If our listeners remember from a few minutes ago, you took the commanders because Justin Field is back. Bears coming off two-week vacation, you know? No, Justin Fields is with the Jets. Justin Field? All right. Shannon Briggs is back with the commanders. Jaden Daniels.

Jaden, dude. Dude, I can't, you know. These new names. Jaden Daniels is back. You know what happened was Jason became Jaden, Brian became Bryce? Like, I can't, I can't fucking, my old brain, I just can't do it. Let's do. How about more Daniel Jones?

That's an easy one to remember. Joe Flacco. I used to do a joke that that's the name you give to the cops when you don't want to give you a real name. What's your name? Joe. Joe what? What was Keanu Reeves's name in the movie, The Replacements? Oh, he had a good one.

Flacco. It was like that. McFlurry. He was scraping the shells off of the bottom of boats, and then they showed up and asked him to play. If there was ever a quarterback named Mike McFurray, he threw a two-yard pass in the city of New York, like the level of press that that guy would get.

Shane Flacco was Gianno Reeves is so it was or Falco. It was Falco. Joe Flacco and then Falco. You know what I would do? If I was managing him, he would do a podcast.

It would be called Flacco Tuesdays instead of Taco Tuesdays. Flacco Tuesdays. And he would break down the game after Monday night. Ooh, I like that. I'm just thinking about his after his career. He's 40 years old. Got to look out for him.

Yeah. He's still wearing K-Swiss cleats. All right. We're wasting time here. What do you got, Pauley? British Knights. Remember those? Yeah, pretty. Kangaroos.

Fucking kangaro. All right. I think the commander's money line at home on Monday nights are definite. I think. I don't. I was with you until you said, I think. You're doing that Verzi, shaking the head thing.

Bill, I'm fragile right now. Come on, Paul. All right. You got to forget about her. All right? You fall fucking Verzi. That's right. Do a shot.

Go up there. Talk to some broads. Come on, man. Get back in the gate. Yeah, your ex. You see your ex show up to the dance with someone else. You're just kind of, um... Commander's money line with some confidence.

Commander's Money line. What do you think, Jake? always throw one in for us. What do you like? I like the commander's money line play. Hmm. I think we're going to throw into art monk. I think we're going to see some offense in this game. So I'd look for for some any-time touchdowns. The commanders have this running back. Karowski-merit is really good. Jane Daniels to run one in is also probably a good choice. What is his name? The running back? It's a complicated. name, but it's, uh, Kroski Morrette.

Crossy. Yeah. He was, uh, he killed the chargers last week. I think he had like 120 yards on these. He's real deal. Andrew Semless, Andrew Themless just wrote, add Bill's money line and a touchdown from each quarterback. Are we allowed to, are we double dipping in these Monday night games?

So if there's two Monday night games, we could do that. Bill's money line I love. Commander's money line I love. I mean, John Dollar throw a touchdown. And then we'll do each, each quarterback any time touchdown. I mean, I can't disagree with that. That's a four-leggar, so it'll be nice odds. Josh Allen's going to get a touchdown.

Jane Dan's going to get a touchdown, and both of those teams are going to win. I love it. And you know that you're on equal footing on this podcast, so I hope when you say you can't disagree with that, there's like some sort of power structure here that you're talking to. Tell the people the real deal. I actually do agree, not because I I'm physically unable to disagree, but because it seems like a smart fly.

Jake, why this whole season, you come back, you look like he just came back from Cabo or some shit. I know. I'm messing with the lights. I tried putting a lamp. No, I like it. I like it. You look better than me. I'm as white as the stripe on this fucking coat.

I'm a little tanner, yeah. That's a killer coat, though, Bill. That's a killer coat. That's a really cool jacket, yeah. Oh, yeah. Patriot, dude. This is just my 5 and 11 back in the day. All the NFL old school jackets and just uniforms in general are just so cool.

Tampa and Seattle were both wearing their throwbacks yesterday, and it's just like so much so awesome. I was retelling this story about one time I was doing this gig in Boston back at the Wilbur, and I was working with Joe de Rosa, right? And a bunch of my old high school drinking buddies came out, and we were getting after it after. So all of a sudden, DeRosa comes up, you know, he gets his face like this, and he goes, one of my buddies, he was talking about one of my buddies, he goes, he goes, hey man, he goes, what's going on? I'm not going to say my buddy's name, but he goes, what's going on with so-and-so. He goes, you know, he was like talking, chopping it up and everything. And all of a sudden, you know, he just stopped talking to me.

I was just like, I don't know, man. He's probably fucking hammered. Don't worry about it. He goes, all right, he just walks away. And like 20 minutes later, that same dude he was talking about comes up to me and he goes, he goes, what's up with your boy. and I go, what? What's the matter? He goes, wow, I was going to buy a rounded drinks.

I asked him what he wanted. He goes, dude, the kid ordered a white Russian and walked away. Like, that was it. He wrote him off. He ordered a white Russian. Oh, that's fucking, dude. That's all it takes, dude.

That's all it takes. That is the most New England thing I've ever heard. That's the best. No, dude, he might as well have said. he married a man. Dude, what's up with your boy, kid? Like, what's up with your boy? Dude, that sounds like...

I asked him what he wanted to drink. The kid ordered a white Russian. And then he looks at me and goes like this, he goes. He approached... Like, he was judging me that I was hanging out with him. He approached it like, dude, what's up with your boy, dude? He talked to my girl. That's how he said that.

Like, dude, you don't talk to my girl like that. Dude, it was like Henry Hill. That's how fast it happens. one minute you're in the crew next thing you know you order the wrong drink and it's over dude it was over dagger didn't talk to him again didn't talk to him oh my god but that was that when i had been gone away from boston long enough to be like to actually objectively look at it and be like there's really something wrong with us

but we're still fucking funny um all right what do we got now uh i think that's it dude I got to go work on a script here. Yes. Those are our picks, everybody. Download the app. Use our code B-U-R-R-R and put $10 in. And if that bet loses, you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets. And the first touchdown promo, guys.

Do you take any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown, you win? If they get the second touchdown, you'll get your money back. Please bet responsibly. I want to thank everybody that came out to see me in Sacramento, San Francisco. On the 16th of October, I will be in Buffalo. I think I'm moving a Toronto. date, I don't know, but I'll be there.

Go to Paul Verdey.com for all of my dates and anything else we have? Yeah, the listeners are going to want to know why a Yankee fan doesn't want to do stand-up in Toronto. Don't make them say you're ducking them, Paul. They need the reason. Listen, they were the better team.

It's like you had a best conference. Paul, I somehow find them more annoying than you guys at this point. I don't know when that happened. They put up so many runs, dude. They put up so many runs. And then, you know, I don't know if this bothers me, but when they're dumping champagne in our locker room,

they're playing New York, New York. I get it. Oh, they did that? They blasted New York. Dumb move. That is a dumb. They blasted Frankie Sinatra while pouring champagne on their heads. And I'm like, all right, you know what?

But don't think we don't. Listen, I'm a true day after the Yemen. By the way, we have to talk about Nick Totoro. Can I say one thing real quick, Paul? Yeah. I'm going to state the obvious. You guys are not going to forget that, and they are going to regret that. Yes.

Yes. They are going, that is the stupidest thing that was really dumb. Okay, go ahead. If you think you are a fan, you have to watch Nick Totoro's Instagram. There is nobody. on this planet. There is nobody on this planet who gives a fuck more about the Yankees to the point where I was concerned for his health.

Dude, he was watching a game. His eyes were bugging out of his head and he's going, what the fuck are we doing? Dude, his son was videoing it. And I literally was like, that man needs to sit on the couch. He, every game, I am on his Instagram. Game 14 of the regular season, he's acting like game. He is a true give a fuck fan on a level. that is hilarious and nuts and amazing all at the same time.

Oh, no. Yeah. He's the amount of Red Sox fans that follow that guy, he transcends the Yankees. It's just like this is what this is like this is making me want to step up my game. Actually, to be honest with you at my age, I just did his show recently and he delivered us a pizza to you. And I literally said that to him.

I go, dude, I am actually concerned about your health. And he goes, I know. I go, no, in like a cardio vats. way like you can't you can't be your age and bringing the r pms to 8,000 you can't do that he did a video of him going to the airport for the two yankee home games like he was on the team traveling on the road he goes all right we got two games we got two games like you see him go to his hotel you see him show up on the subway with the yankee fans sitting in the thing and then the next day all right we got that one one more back on the subway and then flies home to

California. It's incredible. It's incredible. He's like, if you, if you, if you, so many times you say, you know what, I'm a big fan and then you run into a guy like that. What I love about him, though, is it's not cartoony. No. You know what I mean? It's not like, you know, paint your face and take your shirt off and trying to get on TV. He just shows up with a Yankee hat and his, is, is the jersey he's been wearing all, all year, spilling fucking pizza sauce and coke on. and just shows up, like, dude, like... Dude, when he's home, he puts the jersey over nothing.

There's no undershirt. So it's just the jersey over skin open with his chains out. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen. No, like, literally, he's such a big-hearted, awesome guy, too. So I actually, as much as I'm joking, I do get concerned sometimes. But then, like, when he's yelling, though, he, like, makes sense. Like, he knows the, can you make some big trade earlier this year? He, uh, and you guys blew a big lead that, you know, it was basically your worst loss.

I remember. So he was just like going like, when they're not getting it done. He was basically yelling that the Yankees traded for all these players. And before the game, they already made the decision that they were putting them all in, no matter what was going on in the game. You go every one of them, every fucking one of them. Oh, yeah. I think that was the one where A-Rod actually gave him props going to this guy's making sense.

I remember the exact game. Cashman made a trade for all of these guys to fill in these holes. And the day they showed up, they all got in. And they all took part in the loss. And Nick couldn't handle it. Oh, yeah. No, they put in like 12 pitchers it felt like. They just kept.

All right. He gave up a dinger. Who's next? Who's next? But they played New York, New York, and champagne. I don't like that for them. Oh, don't think that. I'm going to say that that's going to age really, really, really badly.

I'm trying to think. I know I've seen this before. I just not thinking. It wasn't when T.O. ran and stood on the logo and pointed up. It wasn't that. It was something else where people just, you don't do that. Like you just leave them deflated, leave them defeated, and just leave quietly. The quietly, the more quiet you leave, the more devastating it is.

Yeah, and have respect for them. Obviously, to come in here to play the Yankees, you know, the most legendary franchise, da-da-da-da. You just give them their flowers, and then you leave. And then when you're on the bus, you're like, hey, guys, bah, bye. That's exactly right. start spreading the news fuck them that's how you do it you sing it on the bus home or you sing it on the airplane home

you don't do it at the stadium you don't do it at the stadium no that was dumb how many songs do your bleacher fans already have I will tell you what though man Aaron Judge dude that that ball he hit 100 miles an hour on his fucking wrist and the fact that he did that man was really he's a great player man he's Paul bunyan dude he's only what three players with his

with his stats home runs he's a great guy dude too all right guys that's it um look here's the deal yankees are out giants are bad the nicks are the best team in the east that's what i'm hanging my hat on yeah i've got the nicks you know bill your patriots are coming around hey listen it happens to you know hey you know what i don't know what the bruin's had their first game last night, I got to watch it. I taped the game. I don't know what happened, but, you know, hockey just started. Yeah, we scored it. You know, we were scoring like four goals a game, it seemed during the preseason. So we'll see. I just, you know, end of the day, Paul. I'm a hockey guy. I love the Bruins. Yeah. I love them, and I still miss the Adams Division.

Just sucks. Bring back the whalers. Bring back the yard, the garden, the forum. I love those places. Yeah, bring back the Forens for sure. Bring back the Quebec Nordiques. Just give us something. The Hartford Whalers, dude, that was a cool logo. Yeah. They're now the Carolina Hurricanes and the Nordiques of the Avalanche. It's weird that, like, hockey had come in a good team in the South. And they named them after weather.

Yeah, and it's in the South, too, you know? Avalanche isn't weather, but you know what I mean? I know lightning, hurricane, all that shit. All right, guys. The Misters. Those are our picks. This has been the show. I can't believe we're done week six already.

This thing is flying by. The Indian summers. The microbursts. That's what you call a minor league team. All right, Paul. Flagstaff foliage. What? The foliage and the helmet.

It's a picture of a miserable dad with his wife, like, fucking taking pictures on her iPhone. That's great. Paul, next week. Paul, the hoodie's off. The hats on backwards. The shades are on. Oh, there you go. Paul, he's coming back. Got to come back. All right, guys, enjoy football tonight. Eagles Giants and Monday Night's special. We will see you guys next week. Take care. All right. Bye-bye. Thank you.