Monday Morning Podcast - Down Time, Alternate Mixes, Witch Sex | Monday Morning Podcast 12-22-25

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

Bill rambles about down time, alternate mixes of songs, and the pros of having sex with a witch. Hims: To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit http://www.Hims.com/burr Quo: From solo operators to growing teams, Quo helps businesses stay connected and look professional. Try it for free when you go to http://www.Quo.com/burr SimpliSafe: This month only, take 50% off any new system. Go to http://www.SimpliSafe.com/burr and lock in your discount.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast. For Monday, December 22nd, 2022, what's going on? How are you? How's it going? Three days before Christmas. Let me ask you this. What do you think about people that send gifts to your kids and they're not wrapped?

You know what I mean? It's just like, what the f... You gave me a job, man. man. No, it's fine. Most of them came wrapped. But the ones that didn't, you know, I was all proud of myself. I did all of my shopping and I was done in November and I just wrapped all that shit. It's fucking wrapped it, dude. You know, I wasn't like you guys buying the shit and thinking, oh, I'm going to wrap that someday. I got it done. It was like fucking inspirational. Even to me. I was like, wow, Bill, you are fucking amazing.

And then all of a sudden, all the relatives sent this shit. And now I got a whole other pile of shit. I got a rep. You know? And then you forget who gave you what. And they send it for Amazon. And then they give you like, it's like a fortune cookie. You get this little slip of paper.

Who's it from? What the fuck is it? What does it do? You know? That is a penalty. You pushed them right in the fucking back. Sorry, I'm watching the Lions Pittsburgh game. And I got to give a shout out to somebody on special teams on Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh, Scroaneck, Scrowneck, number 15. Guy's a madman. He's on the outside. They push him out of bounds. He kind of stayed out of bounds,

you know, by choice. They threw a flag on him, and then he still tackled a guy. And then they tried to be like, well, it's because you were running out of bounds, but, I mean, so you got an unsportsman-like conduct.

Which to me, an unsportsman-like conduct is you did something to another player. You know, you ran outside the lines, They should call it something else. It's the same amount of yardage, but, you know, maybe just being sneaky, 15 yards for being sneaky. And then the call is the ref, like, sort of tippy toes around instead of doing, like, putting his arms out like his Jesus on a cross. Anyway, and then the next time they go to kick it, this fucking kid timed like this guy, I guess he didn't call for a fair catch.

He timed it perfectly. reminded me there was a guy in the Cowboys a long time ago, Bill Bates, number 40. And he was like the wedge breaker. He's an absolute maniac on special teams. And he was so good on special teams, he actually made it up to, uh, he started, I think, for the Cowboys for a couple of years. Was a fan favorite kind of guy out there like breaking his helmet. You know, man shit.

Not like me sitting here wearing vans with my legs crossed. Is that Emmett Smith dancing? Dancing. Dancing with the stars. Emmett. That can't be real. This can't be real. He's not bad. I don't know about that shiny shirt.

Anyway, Emmett Smith. Just when you think running for over 17,000 yards is all this guy has, he comes on the TV and he's doing a fucking tango. For Geico. Oh, it's Geico, though. all right i don't know about you guys have you been to listen to my podcast lately i've been i feel like i've been coming up with some really good ideas for for athletes and rock stars to be in commercials

you know and you think well maybe this is a new skill set and this is like something i could do and then they hit you with emmett smith on dancing with the stars paired up with geico and you're like i'm just not operating at that level why you know every fucking i never notice how much my stomach growls until I do a podcast. I just ate three fucking ribs. How can I still be the stomach growling? Anyway, yeah, so Christmas is a couple days away. I don't know if you heard.

I don't know a part of the internet you're on. But I'm having a great end of my year. I want to give a shout out to everybody that came out to see me in Cerritos. I had a great time. I brought Ambrie and Dean to come down. They both fucking killed it. The crowd was amazing. It was fucking amazing.

They were just sort of like one of those crowds where you really couldn't push it too far. You know, they sort of a game for everything. They did groan it one joke I did, but it was a little too soon, I think. But I had like, I don't have like this epiphany because I've just been changing the order or whatever. And I finally just came up with the order for this.

set for the new shit and i i did the work i wrote it down and i had it on the napkin and i just i and i stuck to the order um i was a little nervous that was going to look fucking unprofessional but uh as long as you're funny i think you can keep glancing over a piece i just had to make sure i did it in the right order so it would like connect what are those things called segways they're called you know in my business it's called the segue um did they even make those anymore segways they were kind of amazing when they first came out and now when i think about them it's just like like did they have to weigh like fucking five thousand pounds i mean that was my shit back in the day going on youtube and watching

people wiping out on a segue there's just something you couldn't let go there's something about motorcycles, scooters, jet skis, and segways. When you fucking lose control, it's like you're hanging on to the handlebars and you're also turning the throttle on so you're going even faster and you just sit there going like, let go of the fucking thing. Just let go of it. And they don't. They ride it until they crash.

They just, they just get like a death grip on it. I got the Pittsburgh Steelers in this game, by the way. It's three to three. I don't know how many points I'm getting. It's not too much. I can't figure the fucking lions out. They win, they lose, they win, they lose. They win, they lose.

You know, they got a bunch of injuries, I guess. I don't know, Ford Field. Detroit is really coming along, though. Last time I was there, you know, a lot of good restaurants and shit like that. It's finally coming back. They had a fucking race ride in 1968. It's my whole life. Detroit has been trying to come back.

They're finally coming back. There's the bridge. That's the bridge that Bob Probert got busted on, coming back in, rest his soul, with some fucking blow. Remember that? And there's a casino right across the way. I used to perform out there. I haven't in a while.

Bill, what are you taking us down in? Memory Lane? Are you doing a goddamn podcast? All right, relax. Fucking relax I can't be excited that I feel good about my act finally

anyway today marks three weeks three weeks this is like being sober of me not losing my temper and not even having to work on it I feel like I'm fucking cured I can't believe it

now all I have to work on is not cursing in front of my kids it's going to be fantastic It's going to be fantastic It's going to be like I remember a long time ago One of my specials I did a bit And I was talking about how much

I crush it as a husband and a father But I was talking about how my temper fucks up, you know, my life though So the joke was basically Talking about all the great things that I do And I was like You know, other than that All my wife has on me is who I am as a person

I am laughing at my own joke I haven't told that in a while while. And I was talking about if I could just not have a temper, like there would be nothing for her to complain about. So I am now, I'm now, I'm not talking shit yet because I'm only three weeks in. But I get like three months in of not losing my temper. I'm going to talk a little shit. I'm going to get in her cute little grill. I have a big smile on my face and she's going to be like what? I'm going to be like nothing. What do you mean nothing? You got nothing. You got nothing on me. I'm clean. Oh, Burke Christ is doing the Paramount Plus New Year's Eve bash. There

you go. There's something to watch for you on New Year's Eve. Do you go out? Do you go out with all the drunks? Survivor 50? How many fucking seasons do they do a year that they're already on Survivor 50? like they started in 1975 somewhere along the line like the host just you know Red team fucking up he starts like I think he's just been on that island a little too long

and I noticed that he's a little more hostile or hostile I like hostile adds a little something to it but you know that isn't just a regular version of hostile why are you being so hostile why being so hostile Sounds like Hyle. Makes you think of Nazis.

It makes you really fucking think there's something serious going on. Jesus Christ, Tony Romo went out last night, huh? Good, gravy. He's drunk. He looks like he just woke up. You know, when your face is all puffy? What happens is it?

What was it? Tony, you got to announce the fucking game. Well, use my sport coat. Oh, see what he did there. He found the seam. The great ones do that. down in the zone they shoot the A gap and it's a cover zero um anyway so uh oh billy downtime oh billy downtime i flew a couple of times i keep trying to do that pasta robley's flight

but uh i get a nervous you know because it's it's like almost an hour and a half one way so i got to refuel and every you know every time i look at the fucking the uh what is it not the metar. I look at the taff. There's always that, you know, low IFR and shit like that. And it looks like it's going to clear up. But I can't fly all the way up there and all of a sudden I get into the soup or whatever. And then what am I doing? I'm in the middle of fucking nowhere. Where am I going to refuel? So I get all scared. And then I don't do it. And instead I fly to like bracket. Brackett's a scary airport. It's got this helipad, the northeast helipad.

And, you know, if you fly the pattern there off of that thing, it's a very short run-up before you're right at the tower and all of these, this, I don't know, radar equipment. And then you've got to make a right before it and you sort of, you know, if you're not careful, you're kind of in the dead man's curve as you're climbing, which is, you know, dead man's curve is your air speed is low and so is your altitude. All right. You have three bins of energy. You have your air speed, you have your altitude, and you have your main rotor. Okay, you can trade one for the other, but you can't lose two.

You lose two, you're fucked. Okay, if I had the altitude and I didn't have the speed, I could nose down if I lost my engine, I could enter an auto. All right? If I fucking have my speed and I'm really low, that's fine. I can just enter the fucking auto. But if I don't have my speed and I also don't have the altitude,

well, God damn it, that's when you get a little scared. and you start thinking to yourself I don't want to end up on the news man I do not want to end up I'm putting you on the news so anyway I kind of when I fly the pattern there I kind of back up a little bit

I'm in a hover and I give myself that extra 20 feet that's what it's all about people you just you keep the odds in your favor Anyway, one of my goals this year was I had three airports I wanted to fly to. I already did two of them. Now I've got to do Paso Robles. All right?

And I got fucking only nine more days to do it. But you know what? If I don't do it, I don't do it. I'm not going to get involved and get their writers. Would you look at all these comedians on TV, Nikki Glazer? It's doing the Golden Globes. I saw I run that thing down the... Was it the improv?

She ran a monologue. She fucking crushed it. And I saw Pete Davidson doing a, uh, doing a fucking, commercial. Look at Donald Trump at the Kennedy Center. He fucking took it over.

All these liberals are going to make fun of me. Now somehow he puts his name on it. I mean, that's fucking, the dude is diabolical. I mean, I know a lot of people don't like his politics, but it's like Dr. Evil shit. He showed up at a roast. Seth Myers and fucking Obama made fun of him.

Destroyed him. Stuck him right in the middle of the room. Made fun of him. Like, what are you trashing Obama for? He's president. He's making important decisions. And then a few years later, he was president. Obama was handing the keys over to him.

it's the greatest revenge story after any roast i've ever heard of um oh my god a guy on the steelers just punched a guy with a blue wig on and i stand by it i stand by it and the NFL better not fight him because the guy in the blue wig was excited he was excited that he got punched in his fucking stupid face. What a shit fan that guy is. Now watch, he's going to get in trouble, and I'm sure they're getting chastised. You know, you gotta be a professional.

You should be doing shit like that. He said something. There's no fucking way. I always support the athlete when they go over and punch somebody in the fucking crowd. Why is he got a pacifier? I don't know about that. But I'll tell you this.

When you're fucking... the amount of shit that fans yell at people on the field crazy wild shit that you wouldn't say to probably a fat guy who was a little taller than you in a bar and these are some of the most in-shaped people on the planet and you're saying it because you feel safe and they're making a zillion dollars

so they fucking take it but if they actually go over there and punch you you I wish I was running a league what did you say to him well what the fuck did you think was going to happen no i'm not giving you free well fucking sue us we got billions we will bury you we'll keep appealing it fuck you

stop talking shit to people you can't beat up fucking world do you grow up in why can it be like that why because the customer's always right no you're not that's not the truth you see what they do to their customers you see the food that they feed them

feeding them fucking cancer and then they tell them to stand up for cancer oh the hypocrisy bill is that what you're talking about right now I did see a commercial for this fucking for this cruise ship how do those things float

it was a cruise ship that had a fucking amusement park like a legit amusement park on it and the first three questions I had for anybody that takes a cruise that has an amusement park on it a how bored are you be how fat are you and see what is your favorite song those are the questions I mean that whole vacation package just said I don't think.

I don't think for myself. I just, like, if it's shiny, if it's big, if the music is right, good, Lord, look at that woman with her clam out on a fucking Christmas thing. It's unbelievable. You know, I don't, I feel really bad for prostitutes. You used to be able to spot a hooker.

Now every, every woman out there is like hooker chic. How do you know who's selling their ass and, you know, who's just going to about ready to take a picture of their breakfast burrito? I mean, it's a very confusing world. Touchdown Lions. Oh, was that a beauty? $155 to go in the second quarter if you're paying attention at home. That was a beautiful pass and catch. Jared Gough. I always root for this guy. first of all anybody named jared you have to just have to be excited that they escaped utah or wyoming wherever they're from Jared Jared just says my parents were too religious you know what i mean something weird's going on

in between two defenders that was amazing the guy the guy the guy coming over the top could have hit him a little harder why does he look like theo vaughan the guy who just fucking caught that ball um Jesus, Billy's losing now. Seven to three, the goddamn Steelers can't move the fucking ball. What's his name? Tesla. Tesla? Jared Goff, you know?

No longer a Mormon. He's living in dirty-ass Detroit, and they're fucking, they're balancing them out. That's a good balance, huh? You grow up in Salt Lake City, and then you go to work in Detroit, you know? One's too clean, the other's too filthy. And somehow, Jared just ends up being this perfectly good. balanced person. No, I didn't like how the Rams got rid of him, so I've rooted for this guy to get a goddamn Super Bowl ring. I mean, Matthew Stafford obviously worked out for the Rams,

but, you know, the coach could have said, you know, he could have said something. Should you be allowed to dress up like Santa if you're in shape? At least, you've got at least put the fake pillow in there, right? Or does the NFL not allow that? Let me guess. They keep replaying this because they're trying to say, see if it was a shot to the head? No, we got him on the elbow. Anyway, okay, so let's get back to those three questions. How bored are you? I'm not bored. I love taking cruises and I love roller coasters. And when I found that they combined those two worlds and they had s'm spores, it's great. You don't even have to do them

over the fire because you're in the Caribbean you just melt them in the sun so i think that's the answer to the first one how fat are you their answer is compared to who you know because it's probably the whole family you know do you think it's the buoyancy of the the passengers that help the boat stay afloat actually no i love this they're showing it again they fucking missed him too God bless Matt Kaff. I would give him player of the week. That's good. Every once in a while an athlete has to punch somebody in the crowd just to keep it fair.

You know? Wasn't that bad. All right. What is your favorite song? I don't know what the answer to that is, but I can tell you this. I was in my wife's car. And I was in the middle of the electric confusion. That is my wife's car.

Like, how do I turn the volume up? Where is the volume? Is it on the fucking steering wheel? Do I swipe the inside of the windshield? It's like flying a spaceship. So, you know, Billy Old School. I'm listening to some white snake, right? So I want to listen to slow and easy, right?

I mean, it's Sunday. Some people listen to Lionel Richie. Easy like Sunday morning, you know? I'm a fucking white dude from the suburb. so I listen to White Snake's slow and easy. Which is a love song, you know, if you're in the right mood. And I go to put it on and I can't find the, they got fucking the extended version, blah, blah, blah. I ended up just clicking on one because I'm driving down the street.

You're not supposed to drive distracted, even though the entire dashboard is a fucking iPad. So I, oh, Metcalf just dropped the ball. I bet that blue-haired guy's really going to get on him now. Maybe he'll give him a fucking combination this time. Wouldn't it be amazing if an athlete went to the crowd literally just beat somebody to death? Like, how much would you shut the fuck up the next game you went to?

Anyway, there would still be somebody going, after he beat him to death, be like, hey, Mr. Metcalfe. Can you sign this for me? Anyway. Sorry. So I'm making fun of people that take cruise ships and I listen to White Snake slow and easy.

So anyway, I click on it. And it was the fucking board mix from 1983. It's like, I don't need to know what it felt like when you guys listen to this. And you were like, yeah, no, this isn't it. this isn't it because it wasn't as good as the one that they ended up with

I don't need do I need the ones that like the engineer the producer and the artist themselves were like yeah this isn't good enough to release why do I want to hear that just give me the fucking original one there

to the bone boom bit but pepip it do it boo whack a whack a boon Anyway, if I knew how to pop lock, that's the song I would listen. I would pop lock, too. Go back a door. Boat-p-dip-to-take me down, slow and easy.

That's when you got to skip. For something, skipping was okay for half a second if you put a little gallop in there. Skip, skip, skip, gallop, you know, up to the mic. That worked in like 1985. Down easy. suck my fucking dick tonight won't wink a wicker won't um my wife has not watched the Kardashians in forever and all of a sudden she started watching them again and uh you know now i'm fucking billy good vibes i'm little billy the christmas miracle i don't get mad anymore so she has it on

so i'm like i don't watch this shit with you i gotta tell you that fucking chloe Chloe is funny They went to go see this weirdo That like Is like in his mid-40s He was trying to say He has as many erections every night As an 18-year-old

He was saying this to all the fucking women And he was actually sitting at a table Talking about like, you know Mortality is now like a choice He's sitting there with this wispy hair And this shoe polish in it It was super It was really shade

The whole thing was fucking shady. And a few of them were like, oh, my God, I love this guy. But Chloe's like, I don't what the fuck this guy's talking about. I didn't need to know about your dick. Middle kid, middle kid, always the class clown. Trying to get the attention. Anyways, let's do the, let's do a little advertising here. A little ad advertising here.

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Oh, Billy Betface is looking pretty good. He's looking pretty good. All right. I don't know why it always swirls back up. I didn't do that thing that you guys told me it's to stop doing. All right, here we go. First question.

First question of the goddamn day. Metallica's battery for batter companies. Oh, wait, is somebody... Oh, they're coming up with a commercial. Oh, for Metallica, I like this. Dear Bildo. The other week, you were popping off marketing

that should be used... should use big songs that are obvious. Oh, yeah, I had Little Wayne sitting in a hotel room, having a good time, and then, you know, a fancy hotel, so around 5 o'clock there's a knock at the door, and he's like, what? And they're like, turn down service,

and he's like, turn down for what? How about that fucking song goes? You know, it's a collaboration. Tommy Lee for Tacoma. Toyota trucks, because he said Tacoma like 50 times during that drum solo. So this person is adding to this. He's saying Metallica battery for batter companies.

What are batter companies? Like cake batter? The other week, you were popping off about, okay. One big one would be Metallica's battery, which has the lyrics, cannot stop the battery, cannot kill the battery. Oh, it should be for battery companies, right? A smaller audience would be scorpions,

rock you like a hurricane, for the Maddie 40 beverage. I'm sure Anheuser-Busch could afford the rights and the scorpions could use the money. Well, they're still out there touring. My lovely wife already trademarked Gucci Gucci-Goo for a high-end baby line. That's fucking hilarious.

Gucci-Guchi-Goo. They'd sue you twice, but I think, I don't know. I love that. that's if you actually if you made adorable there's something fucking annoying about high-end baby baby clothes you're just saying i'm not going to be involved in my kid's life uh i got four nannies um look forward to seeing you in pittsburgh again come for the draft anyways go fuck yourself but merry christmas to the family there all right i like all of those those were all good ideas I think

Um Jesus Look at this fucking Middle Earth Crazy movie A Visionary of Modern Semino Oh Frankenstein

Why does it look like it's also What was that movie with those blue people Not the Smurfs, the tall ones Avatar It looked like fucking Avatar But he has like That Vertalago Whatever the fuck it is

so like his skin's white instead of blue. And then he kind of looked at he was boyfriends with the guy from the half-a-mast fan of the opera. That's what that looked like to me. With the sound down, the sound does so much for movie promotion. This is how dumb I am. The other night, I was watching this fucking,

I thought I was watching a TV show. And I watched it for like a minute, and then I said out loud, I go, oh, this is a trailer. and my wife's like yeah i was like yeah i was thinking god they're fucking moving along here she just started laughing at me like what the fuck is wrong with you was like i don't know like they didn't announce it they just sort of went into it from this other thing it was something about little fair was this all-female like music festival from the early 90s and they were making

a documentary on it in the middle of it i believe they brought up that somebody tried to bomb it And I was like, where is this going? And then they just abandoned and they kept going. That's how I was just like, what the fuck is going? Oh, it's a trailer. They're just showing you like what's going to happen. But I have to watch it because I just, like, who the fuck would bomb Lilifair? I'm trying to see what.

I mean, I understand misogyny. God, I built half my fucking career on it. But, you know, I stopped short. bringing a bomb to Lilifair so I gotta check that out I'm babbling this week people I'm sorry all right let's let's keep it going All right

What do we got here L.A. Witch Dilemma Hey Billy Zen I'm a 30 year old guy from the Midwest A couple weeks ago I met an attractive and mysterious woman at my local coffee shop It sounds like the beginning of a porno or a fucking horror movie

She gave me mortisha Adams vibes which one is that I used to watch the monsters I used to watch the Munsters I watched the Munsters and I watched the Three Stooges I didn't like the fucking Adam's family

the dad was just too weird and he didn't even have any makeup on he just fucking he was really weird and then there was uh what was this other guy guys either watch the three stooges or you watch those other guys with the marx brothers i never

watched the marx brothers i like broad comedy i don't like thinking um oh now i got the fucking hiccups oh jeez i'm falling apart um okay she gave me mortisha adams vibes but i'm but i'm into it okay you kind of goth i understand it uh we hit it goth we hit it off and went and got sushi that night. The next line, it turns out that's not the only thing she likes raw. Oh! Sorry.

I stayed away from that Bill's game. I knew that fucking game. There was something about it. Oh, no, I didn't. No, I didn't. I took the bills. I'm a fucking asshole. Ah, Jesus. They're in a goddamn game. I'm giving all away all kinds of points. Oh, Billy, the

Christmas miracle. Can't pick a fucking game. in his own goddamn division. All right. I'm a 30-year-old guy above it. I'm kind of into it. All right. Turns out she was just in town on business and left the next day back to L.A.

We've been texting nonstop and she wants me to go out and visit her for a few days in January. Dilemma. The other day, she told me she's an actual witch and has been mixed in with the occult,

spooky shit, since she was a kid. I jokingly asked if she was going to put a hex on me and she replied, only if you hurt me. Kind of creep me out. Bill, this woman is 47. She's intriguing, but I want to meet the right one and have kids one day in the next few years.

Probably not with her. Should I go to L.A. for a few days, adventure with this witchy lady and risk becoming a new, a newt or a stay-at-home and freeze alone and in the Illinois away. I fucked up his joke. He goes, should I go to L.A. for a few days adventure with this witchy lady and risk becoming a newt or stay home and freeze alone in Illinois in January. Cheers to therapy breakthroughs and go fuck yourself. Um, I was going to say to not go out there, but is that going to make her mad? Ooh, witchy woman, see how high she flies.

Um, yeah, I mean, women are vindictive enough. You don't need someone that actually knows how to put a fucking hex on you. I don't know, dude. You're doing the guy thing. You're like just thinking like, all right, if she's a witch, She's going to be a fucking animal in the rack. Like, is there any information out there about, you know what? I'm going to, you know what, just for you guys?

You know, it's the holiday season. It's the holiday season. Dooby dooby-do. I'm going to do a search. Our witches good in bed. Which is kind of old, aren't they? Good in bed. Let's see what they say.

According to various practitioners, modern occultists and cultural lore, witches are often associated with being exceptional in bed due to a focus on energy, intention, and self-awareness. The reputation stems from several key concepts within witchcraft. Who knew? Sex magic. They spell it with a K, like Magicowski for the fucking Packers. A common practice among many witches is using organ. Orgasmic energy is fuel for manifestations and intentions.

Well, no wonder you vibe with this person. This sounds amazing. This practice often makes the sexual experience more deliberate and focused. You fucking dialed in. You're ready for the playoffs. Height and awareness. Many practitioners believe that witches are more in tune with their own bodies, as well as the energy of their partners,

which leads to more present, conscious, and considerate. Are people daydreaming during sex? Being in the moment, you know, really seems to be a problem for a lot of people. Natural and herbal wisdom, focus on pleasure, confidence, because they so often do not conform to traditional practical ideas of womanhood. They are sometimes overseas, is more empowered and confident. Dude, you got to go meet this person. You know?

You got to tell her, like, listen, I'm fucking, I'm like, well, how do you just feel about foul language? which i would just be like listen i'm i'm looking for a new love baby no i'm looking for a i want to settle down and have a wife and a kid and some kids that's what i'm looking for if that doesn't fit to your witchy shit then you know i i don't you know i don't you know i don't want to lead you on like i'm looking for a relationship because i also don't need a hex put on me but i am really attracted to you and i'd like to come out there and have like fucking regular person witch sex with you see how that is. Is that all right with you? Just be fucking up front.

Say it's smoothing than that. All right. And I think you'll be all right. I think you should go to L.A. And I definitely think you should go to L.A. and hook up with a witch. All right? Out loud, that doesn't sound.

It sounded good in my head. I don't know about, I don't know, dude. You're on your own. You're on. Dude, that's a fucking series, right? there. There's a witch, right? And like too many people in L.A., you know, that being in show business, they're just not good victims because we're always looking to get fucking stabbed in the back. So where do they go? They go out to the Midwest where all you wholesome people are

to get their victims. But here's the thing. She can only fuck you and kill you if she's in L.A. You know, if you try to fuck her out in Chicago, she can't kill you. I think that's how it works. If I see one more fucking down-home commercial, remember how there was a time there when are running shit and they acted like everybody was in an interracial relationship now that has been replaced by like everybody's like standing out in the middle of fucking Wyoming there's something about being out here you just can't lie when you're out here on the prairie you know like people who live in the middle of fucking nowhere or somehow better people ed gine lived in the middle of nowhere okay p. Diddy lived in L.A. There's fucking psychos everywhere can we just stop with

this shit? Jesus Christ can't you just go back to a barbershop quartet singing about fucking aqua belva is that is that too much to ask well evidently it is all right moving to germany dear old man billy i'm a 19 year old high school student i got back from germany a few months ago as part of an exchange program i was there for a year and i fell in love with it all the people history history wow okay the cities everything as a result of talking with the people I met there and the host family to whom I am close. I have decided I'm going to move to Germany.

I will be able to stay with my family host, my former host family when I first get there. I have gone as far as to go to the German embassy in D.C. I live nearby and I am in the final process of getting a visa.

Sorry for the long prologue. My question, that's fucking great. Like I wish, you know, if I was younger, I would definitely go live in another country. I think that's a tremendous, tremendous, tremendous experience to have. I'm happy for you. Plus, you're also, like, in the middle of, you're in, like, the middle of, like, sort of the Midwest, not quite of Europe. So you can go, you can do east, you can do, you can come the coast, you can go down to the fucking Mediterranean, and it's great. Scandinavia is just north.

It's fantastic. It's fucking great. Fantastic. Anyway, the person goes on to say, sorry for the long prologue my question for you is how do you suggest i go about telling my family about my plans how would you want your son to tell you something similar any advice will help thanks and hopefully see you in germany soon um well i didn't think there was anything wrong i would be excited if my kid wanted to live abroad i think that's you got to love dan campbell he literally looks like he could be in that movie the incredibles um Anyway, I don't think there's a problem. So obviously, your parents, do they have a problem with Germany?

Or do they just, you guys are like homebodies and they want you nearby and they're going to miss you and all of that type of shit? I think, I would just tell them. I mean, you're not going there forever, are you? You're just going there. Just telling me, you know, I vibe with the place. I want to live over there. I feel like it's going to be a good experience and someday, you know, when I get older

and I get married and I make you guys grandparents, you know, they'll like hearing that. Then, you know, I can fucking, I'll come back. I'll come back with a, what's a Freudine? Well, that's cool. I'm happy for you. I don't know what your parents' thoughts are on that. So I don't think it's, it's not,

like uh it doesn't seem like a big thing to tell him not trying to diminish your story not trying to not validate your journey um Aaron Rogers is so fucking old he looks like a guy going to the game it's what I I'm loving him and Philip Rivers still out there slinging it All right I got 10 minutes to go I don't know what the fuck to talk about that

That was the podcast Oh I'm still doing I'm still doing my There you go Metcalf I love Metcalf I already loved him I loved him when he was on Seattle But now that he punched a fan

Look at his fucking arms What are you doing yelling at this guy Fucking jerk off He didn't even hit him either Um Fucking cunt stupid guy with his blue fucking wig we get it you're a lion's fan

um anyway that'd be a great thing to do pay a like have a benefit to pay an athlete's fan his fine that punch somebody in the crowd he's

fans you know fans for athletes not taking shit from fucking loser fans, whatever you would call the organization there. But anyways, I've been playing drums and I'm still doing that thing trying to free myself up the flow mode and I'm finding it's starting to

seep into my playing. All of a sudden, I'm starting to hear Phil's and I'm able to, you know, kind of start to play them. I'll tell you, you know, it's a really fun song to jam to. Fucking, that's my job. what is the name of it it was a it was like a hit for a second and then i stumbled upon it i heard i heard the goddamn thing and i was like i'm downloading that because i want to play to that uh nobody

speak dj shadow is a really fun song to play to and also to play 16th notes to uh during the chorus and also just it's a great tempo to just sort of play fills the whole song um and try to like free yourself up I find I have much more ideas if I just if I played it like a medium just play fills over a medium tempo song

as opposed to listening to a click meep well well that just doesn't doesn't get me going as opposed to the other look at the fucking Steelers

just drive down the field and get me a goddamn touch could you please could you do that oh man rivers no sorry Aaron Rogers um Roger Wilco we'll comply

it's gonna get old Billy a fucking touchdown here um Arizona Atlanta game there's a game I stayed away from fucking Jacksonville beaten Denver who knew fucking Raiders

hanging with the Houston Texans none of this shit makes sense I don't know Anyway Oh up the fucking middle To the fucking 10 yard line dude Fucking chewing up the clock too That's what I like about the Pats man

We have a nice running game Um Eating up the clock Even though you know We let the bills come back last week What are you going to do Was that the most subtle Fucking straight on you've ever seen in your life

He barely touched that guy barely touched him you ever see those highlights of Derek Henry just stiff arming people it literally looks like he's throwing his son through a screen door

and he's doing it to an adult Aaron Rogers Aaron Rogers he's not going to scramble Jesus Christ he should be wearing loafers that have like the cleat things

the spikes on the bottom they should have them like you should have like a fucking lazy boy with a little table like an Arnold Palmer just steer into it ARP card

advertising on the back of it you gotta love a fucking old quarterback you know they always dye the hair on top but they let their whiskers come in white anyway people I'm gonna stay on this podcast is going to end after this fucking touchdown here

so it's second and eight Aaron Rogers looks like he's got a handoff dumps the ball off the guy he just plows through he almost loses the ball the lions are claiming it's theirs

don't fucking and they're saying it's on the goddamn it's on the ground how dare you oh Campbell hooking his son up in the fucking secondary

I mean this is why they're not winning okay do you want to win games or do you want to make your kids dream come true um oh they better run that quick they better run that quick

they better run that quick was he on the ground I don't have my glasses. Fuck! Fuck you! No! No! Look at Aaron.

He's about ready to fucking blame everybody. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's out. That ball is out. That ball is out. You... Dead Furview.

Bill Burke can go fuck himself. Time out. Time out. We're going to check the replay. Yeah, just mock, run that shit back. Oh, that fucking ball is out. You son of a bitch. Dan Campbell's kid, look at that.

And then they go right to a burrito like that's supposed to make me feel better. I hate how Chipotle acts like that they're out there with all these fresh vegetables. I've never seen that when I went in there. It is kind of funny how they're actually. You know, this time, you know, now. we're actually using real food. All right. You guys are just going to hang here for these commercials,

these AI animals trying to sell me something. Doesn't everybody have insurance at this point? How long is Progressive going to advertise? You'd think that people fucking, every week they got to buy it. Friends and Famaree. All right, I don't know what to talk about. Okay, anyway, I'm going to hit the clubs this week Because I have like a new 20 minutes where I'm all, you know, fucking, you know, Billy Not Anger, Angry.

And it's really coming together, man. I got everything in there from not being angry to suicide. It's, it's, you know, I'm running the gamut there. I'm running the gamut. I just got to make sure that I hang on to it. I just got to keep doing that. And then, you know, I got a couple acting gigs next year. and I just got to see when they're going to happen

and then from there I can start booking my stand-up dates and I'm just going to go back to all my favorite places that I've done through the years I don't want to name the places because I don't know if they're... Oh, fuck it. I'll tell you some of my favorite theaters.

Let's see, the Chicago Theater, Massey Hall in Toronto. The fucking Tabernacle in Atlanta. Oh, the Fox in St. Louis. There's some great ones. There's really, really some great ones. And then I want to go out with Dean. I want to do like a run through like Idaho, Montana

and down into Wyoming and rent some fucking. fucking bikes, you know, when it warms up, obviously. I'm thinking of doing that. All right, we're back to the game. We're back to the goddamn game. Ah, it's a fumble. That ball is out. I mean, Jesus.

How many times you've got to look at it? How many times you kind of look at it? All right. Just fucking just do it. Just tell me. It's not a touchdown. And we're not going to get a touchdown. They get no points.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no points. You fucking cock sucker. Jared Goff with poise, throws it out of bounds. All right, maybe they have a little three and out. We start over again. You hate to see it. You just hate to see it.

Anyways. Oh, Washington. You are so close. What are you shaking his hand for? That's all right. You'll get him next time. You'll get them next time. All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

Thank you to everybody that came out to Cerea. Taos. Beautiful theater down there, by the way. And thanks to Dean Ambria opening up for me. The crowd, you guys were fucking awesome. And I've been loving all of these theaters that I've been playing out here in L.A. Thousand Oaks, Cerritos, fucking Riverside. These all these great places and all you guys that came out really helped my act, really help shape it. And I'm going to have some killer shows in 2026. Thank you to all you guys for keep supporting me, this podcast, all of this shit um if you keep giving a shit i'll keep doing it i love it all right that's it go fuck yourselves uh have a great christmas is christmas gonna happen to us today 22nd 23rd 24th oh wait a minute i'm gonna do

the thursday afternoon podcast i'll talk to you on christmas you fucking jolly so-and-sos all right that's it i'll see you wait a second this is the epilogue the second i hit stop the fucking Steelers just got a safety. Woo! I'm up by, I got points in, we're up by two. That is my favorite thing when I'm at a football game is if my team gets to safety

and then everybody in the crowd, everybody for some reason, that is the one fucking signal not only does everybody know referee signal, everybody knows it, everybody does it. It's like the shark fin above your fucking head. All right, look at that. See? You get down in the dumps. Little Santa Claus there.

gives me the goddamn safety. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a wonderful holiday, you bastards.