Monday Morning Podcast - Driving An iPad, Seeing The Sights, Facial Recognition | Monday Morning Podcast 8-4-25

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

Bill rambles about 'driving an iPad', seeing the sights, and facial recognition. ZipRecruiter:  Try for free at www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR  Helix:  Go to www.HelixSleep.com/BURR for 20% off site wide.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, August 4th, 2025. What's going on, Hawaii? How's it going? How the fuck is it going? I'll tell you how it's going with the Boston Red Sox. Socks, they had their first sweep of a series this year against the Cheatin' Ass Astros. They got one legit title. You got to give it to them. They came back. They're like, all right, we cheated the first time. Or as that guy said in the booth, their first championship was complicated. It's complicated.

They had an entanglement with the trash can. So every time, was it El Tuve? El Tuve was up. I was by myself yelling at the TV going, he's wearing a wire. He's wearing a wire. Hide the trash cans, you know, something. I had to trash cans, you know something and then he would immediately just you know slap a fucking single to write or whatever He's a fucking great player. You know what I mean? I feel like that he got you know He was a victim of who he was hanging out with they always when I was growing up They used to tell you watch out who you hang out with because you'll end up with them He didn't need to do that shit, is what I'm saying. He didn't need to. But those owners, those owners of the Houston Astros, they needed to. They didn't win when they were the Colt 45s. They didn't win with Nolan Ryan.

They've had J.R. Richards, Jose Cruz. They've had all of these guys. Jeff Bagwell, they've had some fucking players down there. You know? You know what? I'm over that shit. What the fuck? Fucking Yankees and Red Sox, we had a bunch of roided up free agents. We're winning titles. We won one anyways.

I feel like 2004. You know? That's when we finally just, we had to get down and dirty with the dirtiest of them all back then, which was the fucking Yankees, but now the Yankees are clean man. They fucking pretty much. It's their own farm system and Now like it's because of the weather you can't tell how evil they are, but it's the fucking Dodgers Got fucking two planes one for the players and one for somebody

I mean, well, you got gambling issues on the players, and one for somebody. You got gambling issues on the fucking team. Shouldn't somebody be watching them? You got a billion dollars tied up in two fucking people? I mean, how much money do you gotta make where you can still ride with your fucking manager? You know what I mean? I don't get it. I know, it's weird. I'm trying to hate on the Dodgers. I can't. I became a Dodger fan way back in the day when they were fucking playing against the Yankees.

Which by the way, I saw this, I saw this picture of Reggie Jackson in an Orioles uniform. And I always thought that he went to the Orioles after the A's, before the Yankees. I always thought he was only there for a couple of months, but he was holding out for more money and he didn't join the team until May. I mean, if you ever want to see, you know, I know free agency is out of control now, but why it came about was how stingy these

owners were, specifically the owner of the fucking A's. And Reggie was coming off three straight World Series titles and he still wasn't getting paid nearly as fucking worth. So I never had a problem with that guy asking for money. I mean he was baseball. God damn it, that fucking guy was great. He was fucking great. Reggie. Anyway, I'm in a great mood.

I am, it's Sunday night, I'm doing this podcast. I'm sitting in my truck, which I've been driving every day because still on the hunt for a daily driver. And I think this is the happiest my truck's ever been. I've been driving it every fucking day. And I like it, dude. It's actually been helping me. I drive better cause there's no screens.

I gotta sit and let it warm up. It's just a better experience and we figured out something with my wife's car. Hang on a second, I'm sipping a little coffee here. Made myself a double espresso. What do you, that's all I got. That's all I got people That's all I got, people. Still off the cigars. Tomorrow will be

200 fucking days. Ugh. But I will tell you, if I walk by anywhere near somebody smoking one, I will stop. And I will smell the air like a fucking... I don't know. Like a hippie out in nature.

I don't know if that makesie out in nature. I Don't know if that makes sense but hang on a second. Mmm. Oh, oh I got my machine dialed in the La Marzocca. I Was just over there in Italy. I could have taken a you know, they give tours of the factory Be a funny thing to take a fucking tour of, huh? An espresso machine. Considering you probably can take a tour of the Ferrari factory, Lamborghini, Ducati. Yeah, well, you know, I wanna see how my fucking

coffee's made. My coffee maker is made. Um, anyway, so my wife, my wife, uh, she has an electric car and she's basically driving a fucking iPad and I swear to God I really feel like I could just grab the central center console and start fucking shaking it And I literally think the whole car would come apart

It is an astounding Work of plastic It really is. It's got a fucking all the weight is the battery. I'm telling you everything else Just looks like you could just go up and like, you know, how bullies used to flick your back of your ear in class. I feel like I could get like anything hanging off the car if I just flicked it like that, it's gone.

But anyway, it's got so much fucking, it's so over designed. Like I was driving in the car with my kids and I tried to turn on the air conditioning. I couldn't turn the air conditioning on because I didn't know what the password was. So it wanted me to sign in as a guest to turn the fucking air conditioning on. It's like what are we doing here? It's also probably taking pictures of you every five seconds like your phone does. It's really amazing like how much corporations

are just openly spying on everybody. And the government isn't doing it yet. It's just they're just the shit that they focus on. You know what I mean? Let's get these these these immigrants who are fucking working their asses off on our farms. Let's rip their families apart. But by all means, by all means, let's let these fucking corporations do what they're doing. And look, you're starting to see the pushback. I mean, that fucking incident there that they're trying to say was about the NFL, you know what the fuck was going on with that thing.

That was that fucking conglomerate that's buying up all the houses and getting just just an astounding level of greed. I don't buy that story for a second. So I don't know, man. I really, you know, I think that these corporations have pushed people to the brink and when you're dealing with people that are art like borderline fucking nuts You start doing that to people and and they don't give a fuck shit happens I don't know All I know is they don't have any empathy for us. I

Do know that and if you're gonna live your fucking life that way, you know, I don't have any empathy for us. I do know that. And if you're going to live your fucking life that way, I don't know. Evidently, shit happens. So anyway, plowing ahead. So my wife's car, my HWAAF, it has the whole fucking, I'm telling you, you're driving an iPad. So it has information on the inside of the windshield. Like, there's a speedometer, like, half a click down

with my eyeball, but for some reason, you know, they also have it on the fucking dashboard. I'm on the inside of the windshield. Like I'm flying an Apache fucking helicopter, right? So I've been trying, you know, I was having like a just a whole day just hanging with my wife, right? The kids were over my mother-in-law's and oh Jesus look at that helicopter. What do we got up there?

Canary fucking yellow. I can tell you that. Ah look at that. It's an R44. Blade slapping means they're descending. Must be coming in for a landing somewhere. I don't know. blade slapping means they're descending must be coming in for a landed somewhere I don't know anyway so I you know I went on YouTube and I tried to figure it out I couldn't figure it out so I was literally driving down the street I took my hat off and I put it over the the

camera but then the reflection my hat was on the windshield and then I realized I was wearing a dark colored shirt. So I took my shirt off. I was driving an electric car shirtless. It doesn't even make sense. Like it makes sense to drive my pickup. You know, this is like total white trash, redneck, you know, shirtless. Like, I don't know how many people owned this truck before I had it, but the

amount of people that were fucking shirtless in this fucking truck driving it, saying God knows what. I mean, this car, this thing's got a fucking gun rack on it. I mean, this truck is the real deal. It's heard everything. I got this truck out of Georgia. This truck has heard some thanks. I like to think whoever was driving this truck was happy when Hank Aaron broke the all-time home run record but you know you never know. Anyway let's talk helicopters later. So oh Billy all over the map here so my

wife figured out how to shut that fucking information off, and it totally changed our day. And now I don't mind her car. It wasn't the shit on the dashboard. It wasn't that I had to sign in to turn on the air conditioning. I think what it really was was just that shit on the windshield, and it would drive me fucking insane.

And it really had nothing to do with the car. It had to do with the lack of choice and the lack of help. You know, when I was by myself trying, it just tapped in to my, my, you sit down and shut the fuck up childhood that it just was triggering that shit. So, you know, I hung out with it today and it wasn't on and like, it was to the point I was like,

you have to drive this car because if I'm driving this car, I'm gonna ruin your day, which is gonna ruin my day. And then, you know, we're all gonna fucking talk about how Bill needs to do this and Bill needs to do that and get better at this and get better at that. But no one's gonna talk about the fucking, you know, iPad that we're driving down the goddamn street that I need to sign into. It's like, like, I don't,

I just don't understand these fucking, there's so much shit I don't fucking understand anymore just don't understand these fucking car. I there's so much shit. I don't fucking understand anymore And I got to get caught up I need to learn how to find a menu in a hotel room how to turn the fucking lights on how to turn a TV on and off It's a lot of shit I used to know how to do What was wrong with the menu What was wrong with it fucking being out there? Oh, COVID, we don't have it anymore.

You couldn't get a fucking COVID off of a fucking menu ever. What is this barcode thing that I'm sticking my phone up to? Does that get into my phone and then you take all my shit? Do I sound like a flat earther right now? I don't know what's going on. But they're just fucking over designing everything. So anyway, we got that shit taken off and it's been a whole other thing. And I actually had two fucking great days in a row.

Not losing my shit driving that fucking thing. So I was very excited about that. And the only thing that was more exciting than that is I was driving down the street and I saw somebody was driving an international pickup truck, school bus yellow. And the front end of this thing was so basic. It looked like a Tonka truck,

but it was fucking cool as hell. If I had to guess, it was early 60s, because I remember what they looked like in the early 70s, you know? And I remember all the fucking gearheads loved the internationals, and they used to talk about something, something about the,

I don't know what the fuck they were talking about, but it was like, built more heavy duty, the helper springs in the back or some shit, or like a quarter of an inch versus an eighth of an inch of some shit I was never into that stuff but everyone was talking how fucking great they were but anyway I've been reading more and I'm reading this book that somebody gave me that was probably not legal in one of the countries I went to. I'm gonna leave it at that. I fucking was so concerned about mushrooms or weed,

I never would have thought that I would have a book. Doing that, Andrew Temelis got me a series of three books, these comic books to read like a series and then I was with Nia and she took me down to like I think we down like Inglewood or something like that we went into a bookstore and I found another comic book of like the same thing but we're just sort of like a series and then I got this book that I actually ordered in New York and it never came in. It had something to do with New York City before crack. Before crack came in on purpose and destroyed all of those fucking neighborhoods. Just diabolical, fucking diabolical what it did to an entire generation of people

But it had it like what those neighborhoods were right before The styles the music and all that type of stuff. It's more like, you know pictures and shit. So Trying to combat being on fucking You know Instagram all the time, but anyway plowing ahead you know, Instagram all the time. But anyway, plowing ahead. The fuck did I want to talk about? Oh, I did Chris Fleming's show down at Largo. I'm a huge fan of his.

And I hadn't been to Largo in forever. And I went down there and everyone on the show was killing. It was just one of those fucking nights, a great crowd and everything. And oh my God, I went out there and I did my shit on like immigrants and the food being poisoned. And it was like a super like fucking liberal slash gay crowd. And I had a meeting out of the palm of my hand and then

I said something about feminists and they just fucking went you know like what the fuck and then I just started laughing going look at you guys huh you thought oh look at this straight guy that's into sports he's so fucking progressive. I had you. You guys liked me. And then with this bit, you're going to find out I still have a lot of work to do." And then they laughed and then I was able to be, uh, continue on doing it. But, um, there are a lot of funny young comedians out there. You got to see that dude, fucking Chris Fleming. He is fucking hilarious. And the way he was hosting the show, he didn't just come out and do a quick bit.

He went out and was doing chunks. Like his bits are like five, six minutes long. Like that kid is gonna be a fucking beast. He already is, but I'm saying once people get to know him. So try to check him out now while you can. I don't know, that's what I've been up to. Other than that, I've been playing drums, swimming with my kids.

You know, trying to make up for all that time I was back there doing that fucking play. And trying to go back to therapy. My wife gave me a fucking list of people, right? Which is kind of funny. I was joking like, where'd you get this list? Are these people that agree with you? She's such a good sport.

She always just fucking looks at me like, can you just not? So, I don't know, but it's good though. I'm kind of looking forward to going back because I'm not working on shit from the past anymore. I'm working on like right now, like right before I came out here I was making myself a cup of coffee and I fucking spilt all the coffee grounds onto the ground and I like balled my fist up and I was ready to punch the paper towel machine thing rack whatever standalone thing and I thing, rack, whatever, stand-alone thing. And I wound up, and of course, my lovely wife was coming around the corner. And I just stopped myself. And I was just like, OK, don't do this.

Don't do this. And I looked at her, and I said, I'm sorry. I'm about to lose my shit, but I'm not going to do that and ruin your day and then she was like going well you spilled coffee I understand that it's frustrating it was literally like she was talking to a guy about ready to jump off a fucking balcony to his death you know going like I don't want to kill myself and then the cops like yeah we don't there's a lot of people that love you.

Life can be frustrating. I have bad days too, but let's just, let's just think about what we're doing here. It was literally like that. And I was able, and this is something I've never been able to do with my temper. Once it gets going, I've never been able to fucking stop it. You know, it's like, fucking just open throttle clutch out flying off the back of the bike was was always that I was never able to just be like, don't let the clutch out, don't let the clutch out, let the RPMs come back down. Don't let the clutch out. I was able to stop. And I at one point, and I was happy that I stopped. And

I went to the garage to get the vacuum cleaner. And I was out there. I was going like, I, it's just fucking coffee. I was thinking of some of the things that I've seen in the Ukraine and in Palestine, I'm going like, am I really going to be this fucking upset compared to what so many people are going through? Yeah. And that's like the level of my temper. I have to go to war torn countries and think about that over fucking spilled coffee grounds.

But I was able to, I was able to stop and I did like, appreciate that my wife was trying to see my side of it. But I also know what she was doing. You know what would be great? I should get my wife one of those toy, like, bullhorns. And whenever I start to fucking lose my mind, I want she should just start like yelling into it You know like she's talking about talking to a potential jumper You know don't do it. There's a lot of people here that love you and don't want their Saturday ruined

Dude, did I tell you my next-door neighbor might have the greatest German Shepherd? I've ever had the pleasure of meeting He got the thing from Germany this thing is like the real fucking this thing is German German Shepherd German Squared Shepherd and Had the the whole thing trained Before you even got it. And it is just, I can't say enough about the dog. And what I love about it too is the coyotes,

coyotes respect the German Shepherd anyway, forget about one that's from actual Germany. I imagine it has some sort of cool accent when it's barking at the fucking dogs, at the coyotes. And, uh, they, you know, that coyote gait that they have when they sort of go down the street, they glance over at the thing. It's weird, because they're still wild animals so like coyote you know like I don't think I've ever seen a coyote

scared like wild animals just they did the way that they the way that they fucking look at you you know it's like it's like a hooker, you know? Back in the day when they used to have like, when hookers could walk down the street and you could tell that's a hooker, as opposed to now you're like, that's probably an influencer. Like, I can't tell.

Like, has anybody done a documentary on hookers? Like, what do you wear now? How do you dress to let people know you're out there selling your ass the way these fucking broads are dressing? Oh my god these sorry I gotta like hit pause there's two people taking a fucking selfie out here now they gotta talk and make sure that everything's fucking oh my god. Can I do a podcast without somebody doing a selfie? Isn't it funny? I'm totally participating in the exact same thing,

but I feel like I'm above them. Oh God, hang on a second. Oh my God, I just had so much fucking empathy for that guy. She took like 10 pictures. She wanted him to do the thing where he was acting like he had his finger on top of something. I don't know what the fuck they were looking at. But you know, like, you know, like when women go to, like, Paris, they all have to take that picture where they, you know,

put their index finger on top of the Eiffel Tower. And then they have, like, the other hand underneath their chin, and then they sort of look up at the stars. You know, that whole princess shoot thing that they do. Yeah, she was sort of making them do that. And what's funny about that, you know, as dumb as guys are, like I can tell, like when my wife is like, I'm crushing her soul.

Oh my God, she's fucking back out again. Jesus fucking Christ. Hang on a second. All right, I'm back again. All the I was, you know, I was amazed. She just took a picture of him. Get in the fucking car. Okay, she's in the car. Jesus fucking Christ. I was like, I can't believe that she just did that for him. Like, what is it his birthday or some shit? I can't believe she

didn't take a picture of herself. And she got in the fucking car. I thought it was there they go I thought it was fucking over And then she fucking she gets back out and does the stupid diagonal fucking Selfie I would not to know the ratio of pictures that you take and the amount of times that you actually go back and look at them.

I'm guilty of the same fucking thing. I can tell you that. Anyway, the fuck was I talking? I was in such a good fucking mood until I saw that. Like, oh yeah, they just don't track. Do they not track the look of like, misery on the guy's face? Do they just not see it? Or do they just not give a fuck?

Do you know what I think a lot of it is? I think a lot of it is, they think that they know what's good for us. And because it's something that they enjoy doing, the fact that we don't enjoy doing it doesn't register. They don't care. They're just like, oh, well, you know, that's just because, you know, he doesn't get it. He's going to get it once he fucking does that, then he's gonna see it the way I see it. You know, I took my wife to one NFL football game, and I saw the look on her face, and I was just like,

you know, by the second quarter, I'm like, sorry, I won't do this again. She's like, the food's good, I like the way, the color of the field, and I just laughed, and I said, I really appreciate you doing this, I won't do this again. That was like 15 fucking years ago. I have never never

asked her to go to another fucking game that fucking guy oh god I fucking been there buddy oh we've all been there all right let's do some reads here oh look who it is look who it is smart enough to stay single look who it is. It's old zip Crude up, you know some things in life can be overwhelming restaurants that have huge menus At least they got a fucking menu. You don't have to search for it Is it on the TV is is it on the phone? Is it fucking in a in a? that little drawer in the desk? Restaurants that have huge menus trying to see all the sites while on vacation?

That's not how you vacation, people. On vacation you don't do shit. Sorry, ZipRecruiter, I gotta tell you, you don't want to see all the fucking sites. Do you know who wants to see all the fucking sites on vacation? Someone who doesn't know how to be on fucking vacation. I don't mind you want to go do some shit once every two to three days, but other than that, leave me alone. Okay, I'm going to be sitting over here smoking a cigar. I'm going to be fucking doing nothing. Reading a book, big sun hat on. All right? Oh, Billy Freckles, Fuck off. I am not on vacation to stand in line to look at some shit.

Okay? If there's a line, I don't want to go. The Louvre. You can take that museum and shove it up your ar- I don't give a fuck about anything in there. I respect that there's a bunch of people that want to go in there, and they want to look at all this shit. Fucking have at it. I would never say, like if I was a dictator and I was running France,

I would never shut down the Louvre. I would let people still go to it, but I would not fucking go, even as a dictator. Even as a dictator, and I don't have to stand in fucking line and they shut it down, I still wouldn't fucking go in there. Looking at these fucking pots and pans that people used, fuck it, a thousand years ago, I don't give a fuck.

Seeing the Mona Lisa in person or looking it up on the internet there's no difference it's i'm sorry it's just i don't have i don't understand it okay but i respect the fact that you want to stand in that line now there's other shit that i like i like looking at old cars but if there's a line down the fucking block you know i'll once again i will just look at them on the internet. Thank you. Thank you. Not interested. Thank you. Thank you very much.

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Monday Morning Podcast, that's helix exclusive for listeners of Bill Burr's Monday Morning podcast. That's helixsleep.com slash burr for 20% off site-wide helix sleep h-e-l-i-x sleep.com slash burr. All right. I mentioned earlier, I was going to talk helicopters and coming up a buddy of mine has access to a Bell 505 which sort of is the middle ground between a Robinson R44 or R66 and a an A star you know what I mean when you get to those bigger helicopters, obviously they're... Not only are they more expensive... Hang on a second. There you go. I don't know what language that was, but it's fucking cool if she can speak it.

And she was doing it walking uphill. Anyway, um... The fuck was I talking? Yeah, those helicopters, not only are they wildly expensive, but how much it costs to fly them per hour. When I fly, I mean, it's like driving a car. More expensive than that, but I mean, you know, it cost me a fucking, you know, 70 bucks to fly for an hour to fly over a fucking city.

I mean, that's a great goddamn deal. But I was just thinking of getting something with a little more power, you know, I'm going Tim Allen here, you know what I mean? I want more power or whatever, I want to be able to put more than one fucking I mean, there's so many people I want to give a helicopter ride to, but they're over six feet tall and way over like, you know, 220 pounds. And it's just like, well, I'm gonna have like five gallons of fuel in this fucking the low fuel lights gonna be on three minutes after we take off.

So I don't know, I have I've done this for years. I think I'll always fly the little ones but it's definitely I don't know. They're fucking cool. So I'm thinking, at the very least, I'm going to get to go fly one, which is going to be cool as hell. And it's a Bell, which is American, so I imagine the main rotor turns the other way. What is it, counterclockwise? So then I have to go back to my muscle memory of flying Robinson's, where you fly the European ones.

As always, everything fucking makes sense. You know, Celsius, water boils at 100 degrees Celsius and it freezes at zero as opposed to like what, 212 and 32. Like, why make it so difficult? When you fly a helicopter where the main rotor turns clockwise, the collective, which is, you know, basically the emergency brake makes you go up or down, right, the thing that you're pulling like the old school emergency brake, your left foot moves with it. It just mirrors it, right?

So if you're pulling it up, the left foot comes up and the right foot goes down and vice versa. When you're flying an American one, it goes counter clockwise and now it's like, you know, you're fucking John Bonham now, right? Where it's, it doesn't like, that whole thing that he does where, where, where his right foot is playing the offbeat. And the fucking hi-hats going one and two and three and four and the bass drum's going e-enta, e-enta, e-enta, e-enta, right? It's like that. Now I'm flying a helicopter and I'm playing fucking Moby Dick. Like what am I doing here? But you only have to fly a little bit and then you just get fucking used to that.

But because I remember it was it's easier to go from the American helicopter to the European one, because all you got to think is just left foot follows collective. It's harder to go from that to go back the other way, I find anyway. But we're going to see in the next week or something I'm going to I get you know I got some cool fucking gigs coming up that I have. I'll tell you guys about on on Thursday, a couple of I don't know as much as I was going to take time off. Oh, Billy ADD is got to be fucking doing something. So anyway, let's get to your. Why don't I shut the fuck up and get to your

questions here. All right. And of course I hit that thing that makes it scroll to the top. I now know why. Thanks to my listeners. All right. Here we go. Oh, all right. This says thank you. I just wanted to say thank you for speaking out about the wealthy and their desire for power and control Even if it comes at the expense of their fellow Americans and future generation Yeah, yeah and how people like try to like Shut you up is what they say to me is like. Oh, yeah, this fucking super rich comedian, but better do complaining about the blood. Like I have a sweatshop of Pete, like I'm

buying up all the houses, like I poisoned the food supply, like I poured shit in the fucking one. I mean, you know, I'm basically I hit the lottery. I'm a regular guy who went out and started telling some dick jokes and it fucking worked out yeah to try to act like I'm there's no difference between you know a fucking guy telling jokes making people laugh after a work week and you know poisoning babies with food that it says it's organic and it isn't like there's no difference between that is it's a bit of a reach.

Anyway, this person says, I'm in a rural town in Illinois that has been gutted by NAFTA. Yeah, that was the thing that went through during the North American Free Trade Agreement, which, you know, was acting like it was going to bring more jobs. It didn't. What it essentially allowed was these corporations to remove their I Think factories out of this country place pace sweatshop labor Fees and that's how the rust belt came around and all that. I don't know I'm not saying that unions didn't get greedy at some point, but whatever it was Anyway, I'm just gonna continue on here and wealthy

business owners needed more we went from being called the manufacturing capital of of America to banks payday loan places bars and slot machines slash gambling power parlors it feels like most celebrities are disconnected from the real world and don't understand how real life is for the average citizen. But you speak up for the common man as corny as that sounds. All right. Well, you don't come at celebrities. All right. They're from your town. They're from your part of the world or whatever and I'm lucky enough where I do something for a living that I can say what I feel because I am an independent contractor as far as being a stand-up comedian.

So you know I can say something that somebody doesn't agree with and they can say like well then I'm not giving you any more acting gigs. It's like all right well I can still do stand-up a lot of times like you know if you're an actor or a producer or something like that you know if you say the wrong thing and advertising gets pulled or fucking whatever now you're gonna lose your house so that's how the game works they got everybody running on the same fucking wheel So it is hard so I am in a in a a

Position where I can actually say something but like believe me like Everybody knows what the fuck is going on It's whether they care or not or whether they're in a position to say something anyway PS if you could tell these rich pricks that people who work full-time aren't struggling because they make 50k a year full-time jobs pay 26 to 31 grand per year here with 25 cent raises Speak to people outside of metro areas. Thanks for not Forgetting us. Yeah, that's the thing.

And these billionaires, what they're like the mean girls and they did they point at every other fight. They pointed countries, they pointed poor people, they pointed anything but them. They're literally sitting there with a yacht with a fucking helicopter on the back of it. And you work for them. And, you know You know admittedly they have said things like I want my employees to go to bed Terrified wake up terrified go to work terrified We had a strike in my business and the powers that be said we're not going to negotiate till they start losing their houses and Their apartments just imagine being that fucking heartless You know and this whole business has been swallowed up by, you know,

a couple of people, and they don't give a fuck. The amount of people that they've put out of business, like literally, like people just leaving this business, and they still show up to events smiling and shaking hands with everybody like they're good people. And people have to shake their hands and smile shaking their hands because They're the only game in town And I don't know. I don't know how these fucking people sleep at night

I can tell you this that if I was going out here and by me telling jokes You know, I put thousands of fucking people out of out of of, I would figure out a different way to tell jokes. I don't understand people that are wired that way. Like, how can you fucking enjoy... Like... A success that, that, that puts people out on the fucking street. I don't understand like they're they're fucking reptiles they're fucking rep they sleep soundly

every night every fucking night don't give a fuck it's yeah well that's how business is done if the ends justify the means and all this shit that they have to fucking say to themselves to make themselves feel better. I don't know. I don't get it. I don't get it. But I can tell you this, like, sitting around just blaming them isn't enough. Like, people have to do something. Like, you have to, you know, pay a little extra in a mom and pop store, do whatever the fuck you can. Because it is us against them. And you know, read, go to a bookstore, get off your fucking phones in screen time and all of this shit and fucking 24 hours of porn or whatever

because they're, I'm telling you, I said this before the the battleground is for your brain and your focus and they want you to be fucking stupid and not pay attention to anything and just jacking your dick and watching people get kicked in the balls on the fucking internet this is this is what the fuck they want you to do. I don't know this this this book that I'm reading which I'll bring it up when I want that I'll give you the name of it when I when I finished the book you know it's it's a person that that is was born and raised in Africa. So just to be hearing about those countries, this person's country and the neighboring countries and what was going on during my lifetime because the person's roughly my age is beyond interesting because that whole part of the world in my public education did not

exist. Europe barely existed. It was just all about Canada. Learned nothing about Canada. Nothing. Nothing. It was all this bullshit. You know, get everybody, you know, 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

The fucking pilgrims came here with their buckle shoes. They had Thanksgiving Louisiana Purchase Civil War I cannot tell a lie was somewhere in there John Wilkes Booth and that was it go fuck yourself. That's it. There you go French and Indian War maybe with something in there and they just sort of skimmed over everything so it's really I feel it's really, I feel it's up to you as an individual to become informed so you know you don't fall for this shit.

I mean it's kind of funny like this government, like our government right now, that they're reminding me of like you know of like Oprah Winfrey when they're just, you get a car and you get a car. you get a car they're like you have weapons of mass destruction and you have weapons of mass it's like you already used that excuse you got it can you at least come up with something new this time anyway but I'm glad that you appreciate it and I appreciate you and you know I think we can turn this thing around, you know, if we stop fucking buying into all of this red, blue, fucking white, black, brown, whatever they can use to fucking divide us. If you just

stop doing that, just be like, no, everybody's the fucking same. They want to find love, they want to have a roof over their head, they want to be safe. They want to have enough money for food, shelter, and you know every once in a while they'd like to take a fucking three-day weekend somewhere, go on a lake or something. Like I don't feel like what the middle class wants or the lower class wants is a crazy ask. You know, pay me a fair wage versus these other people who want to have a wedding and rent out all of Venice and have 9,000 fucking private planes come in for, I don't know what, like for what? The fuck was that? What the fuck was that? What you could have done with that goddamn money? Look, it's his fucking money, he can do whatever he wants, but Jesus fucking Christ. I don't

know. Anyway, cool cars this person said. I was listening to your podcast recently and you were talking about all the guys who had cool cars in the 80s that got all the pussy. I'm a little bit younger than you, but when I was growing up in the early 2000, the car thing came back. I don't know if it was because of Fast and Furious or what. Yeah, Fast and Furious was great for car culture. As was the internet. Asia was huge. All that drifting, all those cool fucking motorcycles that they, all those old vintage Suzuki's and Honda's and all that I mean I'm an old guy and I even saw I tracked all of that shit happening. Anyways this person says but there was always a bunch of kids who had sick cars and seemed to

get the ladies. We had this one guy okay so just give you a backstory if you didn't listen to the last podcast. I was talking about how when I was growing up, before the internet, the original influencers were these fucking jock slash weed dealers with the T-tops, you know, and the fucking posi rear end fucking mudflap cars, right, jacked up rear rear end they always had the fucking hot piece of ass and you would you would like like they were the influences you're like I gotta get I you know I gotta get a tan I gotta start dealing weed I gotta do something so I can live this guy's life it was very inspiring you know but fortunately I was a fucking redhead and I didn't want to

go to jail so like it just didn't happen for me. So this person, this was the 70s and 80s that I saw. So this person was around in the 2000s, and evidently it continued on. He goes on to say, he said, we had this one guy in my school in Tewkesbury, Mass. Who had a burnt orange Acura Integra. It was pretty sick looking.

He had nice rims, had it lowered, carbon fiber hood, spoiler, exhaust, it said, oh yeah, the fucking broads were covered, falling on that car. He told everyone all the shit he did under the hood, but would never open the hood, because he always said he was worried about messing up the carbon fiber hood. It was always suspect. Yeah, dude, give me a fucking break.

There's a reason he didn't carbon fiber hood. It was always suspect. Yeah, dude, give me a fucking break. There's a reason he didn't open that hood. He fucking, he went MTV. Remember that Pimp My Ride? They would do all this shit to the interior and the exterior, but nothing to the powertrain. You still had that fucking hunk of shit Chevy Cavalier engine in there.

So anyways, he said it was always suspect, but didn't have a reason not to believe him. I was handed down in 1993. Dude, if you do work on your engine, even if you had somebody else doing it, you're popping the hood. And you're standing around pointing at stuff and acting like you fucking did it. I mean, I think your instincts are right.

He probably didn't do as much. I think he didn't have the money at that point. You know what I mean? So he was getting some Christmas lights put on it, i.e. the fucking carbon fiber hood, to suggest that he had whatever that thing was in Pulp Fiction underneath the fucking hood. Anyways, he goes on to say, I was handed down a knife and a you know, whatever that thing was in Pulp Fiction underneath the fucking hood. Anyways, he goes on to say, I was handed down a 1993 light blue Dodge Dynasty from my parents.

I don't even know what these fucking cars look like. If you don't know what that is, Google the car. I'll check this thing out. It's like a poor man's Buick. Anyways, I never had the money to buy one of the cool cars, so I decided to make a parody with this one. I wrote Corvette on the top windshield with white chalk to look like a decal and the wipers cut off the bottom of some of the letter. I wrote high performance in bright yellow chalk on the

rear windshield, spray painted the hubcaps gold, put blue Saran wrap over the headlights to make them look like those fancy headlights, got light up tire valve caps. Oh yeah, you went to fucking AutoZone. Yeah, the custom AutoZone shit. Did you get some curb finders on it? That was big back in my generation. Put a muffler tip on. Oh, that's my favorite thing. They have

a thing now that you can put like these muffler tips on. It has nothing to do with the powertrain. It just will make a noise like you have some horsepower. And put some cheap under glow lights underneath. It was hilarious and people thought it was funny. The dude with the Integra absolutely hated me and tried calling me out at school one day saying, I drive like a grandma and it's not funny. I think he thought I was making fun of him.

Yeah, he's kind of telling on himself. Cause I think, I think what you were doing was you were in on the joke, but him, he was trying to hide. He was in the closet as far as what was underneath the hood. Anyway, one day at the Rockingham Mall in Salem, New Hampshire, me and my friends were at a car shop in there, and a picture of this dude's orange Integra was up on the wall. My buddy started spouting off all the shit he had under the hood, and the kid behind the counter said that this guy is a liar.

And the reason he won't open the hood is because it's stock under the hood. All show and no go. There you go! My buddy didn't want to believe him, but I thought it was hilarious, and it made sense why he was so upset with me. I think the dude ended up totaling the car or some shit because he drove like an asshole Anyway, I thought you'd get a kick out of this story and thanks for bringing me back to the good old days I hope you and the family are doing well and of course go fuck yourself. Oh, that's fantastic

See, he should have been more like in on the joke But I don't know I forgive that guy cuz you know, nobody's really that secure in high school All right, here we go. We're going on to the next one here. Uh, alternative energy. Hey... Oh, I don't have my glasses ever. Oh, belliterate burr. Fantastic.

How you doing, sir? Um... This guy goes on to say, uh... Sorry, this is an old guy walking by my car. I'll try and keep this short and legible because listening to you read long, unpunctuated emails is more unbearable than your rants about pile on teams. All right, you either live in New York or LA. A 21-year-old inventor from Atlanta named Julian Brown successfully created a fuel alternative product called Plastoline.

At nature jab underscore is his Instagram, if you're interested in that type of stuff Plastoline was designed to convert plastic waste into gasoline. Oh my god that's amazing Well why don't they you know what if they actually use this if it worked then what you could do is you could go out into the ocean that would be the new oil field would be the middle of the pacific ocean that swirl of trash you could go out into the ocean that would be the new oil field would be the middle of the Pacific Ocean that swirl of trash you could go out there clean up the ocean and come instead of going out getting fucking king crab then going over the side fucking that scary ass job you could just go out there and fucking commercial fish roller blades from the 90s out of

the goddamn ocean plastilene was designed to put plastic waste into gasoline. Recently there have been rumors of him going missing, but thankfully his mom gave an update that those rumors are false. Good. I can confirm Julian is safe, but in the best interest of his security, I'm not able to provide any more information. All that being said, do you anticipate ever seeing a future where big corporations can coexist with alternative sources of energy slash medicine without making these inventors disappear? No. In fact, the electric car,

all the electric car is going to do is get us involved in a never-ending war in Africa. Whatever country has all these materials that you lithium, whatever the fuck it is, you need lithium for lithium batteries, whatever the fuck you need. I remember reading somehow that most of it was either in South America or it was in Africa and that China had control of most of it, which of course we won't be able to handle. How dare somebody do what we're doing? And then all of a sudden, one of those countries over there will have weapons of mass destruction

and will be a threat to us. And they don't like our blue jeans and our movies or fucking whatever that they'll do. And then it'll just be, you know, it'll be on to the 24 hour news networks and you'll never be able to figure out the fucking truth from those guys. Anyway, looking forward to the next time you have a show in New Jersey. My friends and I went to your show at Prudential Center in 2023 and PNC in 2022.

Regards to you and your lovely family. I fucking love New Jersey, man. Especially, you know, in the summertime, you know, New Jersey is flooded with Italians, which is, I don't know. It's just fucking incredible food and so many places to go, pizza places, and just great restaurants out there and a bunch of great towns.

Don't ever let a New Yorker tell you about New Jersey all they know is fucking driving past IKEA over to Newark Airport. They don't know a fucking thing about New Jersey It's called the Garden State for a reason. It's fucking gorgeous. It's gorgeous. And I would say, you know, it's the same level meathead is In New Jersey that's in the outer boroughs in New York, Long Island, Rhode Island, fucking Massachusetts. We're all the same fucking person. I don't know what the big deal is. But anyway, yeah, well, you know, I always said if I was president,

to get us out of the Middle East and these things, I would just try to figure out something maybe with solar power. And then what you do is you just give the sun to the oil companies and go there. There's your money. And it's way out there. And there's no babies to bomb. You just have that there does that make you happy and the answer is no it doesn't and that brings me back to God why he

makes people like that who just are not satisfied they have to have more than other people they they can kill people and fucking sleep soundly. I don't understand it but you know I'm never going to say you can't believe in a loving God. All right facial recognition. Hey Billy bellowing bugle. I had an interesting experience at LAX recently coming back from an international flight that I was curious what your thoughts are. Going through the US customs we were told that we were not we would not need our passport as they were using facial recognition technology. Yeah I've dealt with that. Yeah my immediate question was where are they putting our faces when they're done? Well they could get that information now

if you go to a fucking Clippers game. All of these people, no, I'm telling you, it feels like facial recognition, this feels like the beginnings of like, you know, they put something on your clothing, which leads to a tattoo on your arm, which leads to your robot replacements. It's like, I don't know what they're doing with it, or maybe it's just so you'll, it's easier for them to figure out what widget you want to buy. But, you would think with driver's license, home address, passport, birth certificate, social security number, that they had enough information that your phone tracks you, this whole new thing that they need to map your fucking face, I don't know, it indicates to me a level of fucking oppression or control beyond what the scope of what you could ever

imagine. I mean, and I also think that it's healthy to be paranoid about it. Anyways, continuing on, going through the US customs, blah healthy to be paranoid about it. Anyways, continue on. Going through the U.S. customs, blah, blah, blah, blah. My immediate question was, where are they putting our face? I was a little disconnected, given the increasingly active role private entities are playing in the federal government. Well, it's all been privatized, because they convinced these people that you don't want

government involved in your life. In your life. They pitched it on that you don't want them involved in your life. What they're really saying is we don't want them to regulate our international corporation. That's why you have monopolies now that are not monopolies. That's why when the DOJ comes in and tries to say you are a monopoly for the fourth or fifth time, it somehow goes away because they just pay them off because it's legal now. Oh, Jesus. I got to give you guys some sort of ray of light.

Anyway, because I'm not sure if this place, if this has been in place for a while, if it's a pilot program and LAX thing only yada yada but I had never experienced this before I know there's no such thing as owning your face slash likeness oh yeah there will be a thing it'll be that they own it not you though but this just felt a little dystopian and right in your face pun intended intended. Thanks for your laugh, advice, and general levity you bring to this craziness. Take care and go fuck yourself. Yeah, I think that they're moving towards a level of control that's not going to

work. They've always tried to do this. And in the end, the people always rebel. And it doesn't work out. That's what fascinates me about people who live in a free country but support fascist, dead fascist people from the past. It's like you realize that first of all those people failed and that people aren't going to put up with you. You're getting involved with a loser here. And also the horrible things that fascist people have done. I don't know. And that comes from me, who allegedly lives in a democracy

and the horrible things. They're all doing horrible things. But the people are cool. I highly recommend traveling. And don't go to go see the fucking Mona Lisa. Go hang out with the people. Talk to them and listen to what they have to say and what they're into what they want it's pretty much the same it's not a big ask I just feel that sociopaths run things and so they don't feel feelings so the only way they get off is I don't know hurting people and watching them suffer that seems to be the only thing they're into all right crazy neighbor interaction Bill huge fan of all your work Congrats on hurting people and watching them suffer? That seems to be the only thing they're into. All right, crazy neighbor interaction.

Bill, huge fan of all your work. Congrats on the recent Broadway success. Thank you very much. I had a weird ad confrontational encounter with a neighbor and was curious on your take. For context, I bought my first house two years ago and flipped this thing into pretty good shape. After two years, I've only met my direct next-door neighbors.

Everyone else keeps their heads down and doesn't interact while on their walks, and even though I give them a smile and a way about a politeness, I've kind of given up on trying to make friends with this street. The other day I was mowing my front lawn, and some lady who I've kind of given up on trying to make friends with this street. The other day I was mowing my front lawn and some lady who I've never seen before is walking her two toddlers by me. I wave her on signaling she can pass me and I won't mow next to her while her and her kids are two feet away from loud machinery.

She takes her headphones off to ask what I was saying. I tell her that she can pass on by. I don't want her kids... I don't want to get in her kids' space. Instead of saying thank you or literally any other gesture of appreciation, she asks why I don't mow a small strip of the yard. I explain it's my neighbor's yard. I'd offer to mow it, but they don't want me to touch it. She said, yeah, but it makes yours look like shit.

Wow. To which I responded, I know it's their property. I'm just respecting their wishes. She says, sounds like you're a pussy. What? I'm like, well, that's a different conversation. She goes, oh, you're one of those neighbors and walks off. Yeah, yep, she's on the internet and watching 24 hour news.

And she's now walking down the street thinking that her own countrymen are enemies of hers or half of those She's trying to find woke people and you're literally just mowing your lawn trying to be it's it's since it's a fucking disease It's a disease those fucking this is what those channels do to people It took a lot of effort to not snap on her first off inferring. I have a shit lawn, which I don't I First off, inferring I have a shit lawn, which I don't. I love that you're defending your lawn. Second off, using that language in front of the kids. And third, for fucking calling a complete stranger a pussy.

Since when did respecting property owners' wishes become a pussy things to do? I'm still thinking about this bitch days later, and I hope I see her again. How should I handle this? Thanks and go love yourself. Um, yeah, this is one of these fucking times we gotta be like a bigger person. Um, she, uh, you know, is spiraling from the information she's getting on the internet and whoever the fuck she's listening to probably some talking fucking head

who's unbelievably biased Towards one side of the other politically racially and all of this shit, right? The you know what you really have to do is just just be happy that she's not in your life. You know what I mean? That's the only thing that you can do. But like to start a war with her to do something like that is only going to drive her further

into whatever ignorance she's listening to. And just everything that she inferred out of you just being courteous, that it's all a major red flag. And that's somebody that you just let just pass by. That's somebody that you just let just pass by, pass by and she is, I don't know, she's not in a place in her life right now where you wanna interact with her. And I would just, you just gotta let that shit go,

which is really the hardest thing. It really is hard. And it's also the fact that if she was a guy this it would be different but the fact that's a woman women are hands-off they just really are when it comes to confrontation and all that you just can't get involved with them it's why so many of them act like children because they're really not called out on their behavior so many of the times it really is and there's like there's certain lines is men with other men you can't cross and they they just don't have lines and if you try to like inform them on anything the shit that they can yell they can accuse you of and next

thing you know you got the cops you don't need this shit all right dude you live in the dream you got a fucking house house. You're a good guy. You're mowing your lawn. You know what looks good. All right? Let her... Just let her be. Just let her be. You want to get her back? Enjoy your fucking life. And don't include her in it. That's the best that you can do.

You know, in a perfect world, yes, you could walk up and boot her right in the cunt. But you can't. We just don't live in a country like that. Alright, found out my father isn't my father. Alright, here's a nice way to end the podcast. Found out my father isn't my father. Alright, here we go.

And the cats in the cradle and the fucking other guy. He turned out to not be the apple of my eye, because he wasn't my dad and he was banging my mom. What the fuck do I do now, Bill? What do I do right now? Boom, boom, boom. All right. I'm 25 and just learned, learned, not learned, learned,

that my mother had a one-night stand and I'm a result of that all right Wow first of all I'm gonna go out on limb and say it wasn't a one-night stand I don't know that somebody goes raw and fucking takes a hot one at least the person would have fucking pulled out. I mean, she probably had an affair. Anyway, I've always been interested in genealogy, so I took an ancestry test a year ago.

It gave unexpected results that didn't... You missed a word. Didn't line up with my family tree, and my parents did it too to check who the weirdness came from. Well, it turned out the weirdness, oh, your mother knew. Your mother knew.

Your dad was going, the guy you thought was your dad was like, well, that's weird. She knew. Well, it turned out the weirdness came out of my mom, 57, having sex with a random guy on New Year's Eve. Oh, she was hammered. Okay. Alright, maybe it was a one-time thing. I'm not trying to fucking throw gas on a fire. I'll shut the fuck up with my theories here. Yesterday I randomly opened my profile and saw that my mother was matched with me as a close relative, but my father didn't.

Oh my God. I asked her about it and she came clean. Please tell me she didn't tell you to keep the secret. She also wants to falsify her own results so that my dad's 60s doesn't learn anything. He's bad at technology. I also don't want him to know because it would crush him. Yeah. He has a history of suicidal thoughts.

OK, dude, fuck that. And depression already. Well, in defense of your mother, maybe that got to be a lot one night and she just fucking found a guy with a convertible. Sorry, dude, I'm trying to make jokes to keep this light. Anyway, and if he would learn about it, he would end his life. At the same time, I don't want to lie to him for 20 more years.

If you were in my dad's shoes, would you want to know? I didn't expect that question. Um... Um, um, um, um, um, um. Yeah, I would want to know. But I'm not suicidal. I would want to know. I absolutely would want to know. I absolutely would want to know,

but I don't think you should tell your dad. I don't. Okay? Me and your dad are two different fucking people. Um, but I can tell you this, that I would still love you like my son. And I would know that it wasn't your fault and I wouldn't resent you at all.

I know that you wouldn't deserve any of that. And you know, and then the ship between me and my wife would be a different fucking thing. But I would absolutely want to know. And here's another thing too. This is easy to say, not dealing with this situation. For me to say that. But I think that, you know, it was a long fucking time ago. They're where they're at. Is it worth it? To pull everything apart possibly to have your dad hurt himself like you know what dude I'm just a fucking comedian doing a podcast. This is a heavy one like I

would I would go to therapy and I would ask a professional but You know, I Don't even know if they'll give you the right answer because I think sometimes Therapists just have a tendency to be like you have to do what's good for you and to do to do You know, that's kind of like they're making their money like fucking showing that they're in your corner, but I mean That's like I Can fucking tell you this Okay, if I had to guess whether your dad already knows

Okay, cuz you're not, you don't look like him. Okay, and you know, the kids, you know, have kids, they lean one way or the other. They look more like the mom, they look more like the dad. But if they look more like the mom, and then what the fuck, you know? So I bet he already knows or suspects it and he probably doesn't want to know because with his issues he's sad enough. All right? And I don't think that you... It's so fucked up because now you feel like you're lying too.

Dude, you got to talk to a pro, man. This is a lot. But, you know, he might be doing the same thing that you're doing right now. He might have known for a long fucking time and been like, I don't want to say anything to my son because I don't want him to know this. I don't want to hurt him. As you're sitting there going like, I don't want to fucking, you know, make him feel bad. And then you guys feel tortured

because you think the other person doesn't know. And then meanwhile, you know, this isn't on you. You didn't make this fucking mistake. Your mom did. And I think you need to have a conversation with your mom and be like, this is like, you know, I'm not gonna get involved in what you did or didn't do. Well, obviously you did it.

But like to put this shit on me, that now I have to be like, you know, that now I have to be like, you know, I got to be like doing this with you is fucked up. Yeah dude I would talk to a professional about that Jesus Christ. Alright that's a hell of a way to end a fucking podcast. I'm sorry you're going through that shit man. That's a rough one, okay? Anyway, that is the podcast. People, you gotta use protection out there. I'm trying to end on something positive. How about my Red Sox? They're in fucking second place. They're in second place. They're fucking 61 and 51 or

something like that. You know, they just handed the Astros their fucking ass. Losses number 48, 49, and 50 on the season. We're in wild card contention. I love what Alex Kora said, where he was just like, you know, some of Red Sox fans were bitching that we didn't do anything at the trade deadline. And he said, hey, listen, this isn't about, you know, what's out there that we, what we didn't get. This is about the 21 guys that we have.

And I fucking love that. And they're playing like a goddamn team and they're pitching and hitting and then they're playing great baseball it's a good time to jump in if you haven't been watching them and their toughest part of this their their their schedule is coming up so it's gonna be it's gonna be some great baseball all right there you go there was the positive out. America's pastime. Alright, that's it. Okay, everybody go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you on Thursday.