Monday Morning Podcast - Files, L.A. Rain, Hurling | Monday Morning Podcast 2-16-26

Episode Date: February 17, 2026

Bill rambles about the Files, L.A. Rain, and Hurling. Butcher Box:  As an exclusive offer, new listeners can get their choice between organic ground beef, chicken breast or ground turkey in every box for a year, plus $20 off when you go to http://www.ButcherBox.com/BURR Policy Genius:  Head to http://policygenius.com/BILLBURR to compare life insurance quotes from top companies and see how much you could save. SimpliSafe:  Protect your home today and enjoy 50% off a new SimpliSafe system with professional monitoring at http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR  Hims:  Get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Weight Loss, and more, at http://www.Hims.com/BURR 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast. For Monday, February 16th, 20206, what's going on? I'm why ya? How's it going? Oh, geez there. How's it going for you in your world? It's a rainy day.

It never rains in California. I was just out to breakfast. You wouldn't believe this. I went out to breakfast, don't you see? And I got myself a cup of coffee. All right. Actually walked by, there was a table of firefighters sitting there. And it was raining out.

And I so wanted to be the Geico Dad. Not a lot of work for you guys today, huh? Some firefighters are going to run in. Actually, with the amount of accidents and power lines. I know, I know. You never get a day off. And everybody thanks you. Everybody always thanking the fucking first responders.

What about the brain surgeons? One slip of the knife. Right? One little fuck up. Sitting on fucking $400,000 of school loans. You got that running through your head as you're fucking rooting around the fucking hypothalamus. Well, how come nobody ever thanks brain surgeons? I just want to thank my podiatrist.

Let's just take a second here to thank all the people. podiatrists is out there. Why don't we just take time out to salute the real heroes? The proctologist is out there. Okay. Now, this isn't something people like to talk about, but you know, you can have a lot of problems in your ass and God damn it, somebody has to go in there and look around. It's a thankless job. You went to medical school. Everybody is, you know, wants to marry a fucking doctor. Then you got the lonely podiatrist sitting on the fucking sofa. I'm a doctor too. Doctor of your ass, right? No woman's going to drop her last name.

I don't care how much stinky finger magoo is making over there. You would think that every once in a while an athlete could thank a fucking podiatrist. Nope, it's always cops, firemen, fucking Coast Guard, first responders. Just want to thank all the first responders out there. What about where they bring all those people? They bring them to the doctors and they're sitting, I got to put this back together. Nobody's thanking me. you know

you know how much hand sanitizer I have I haven't eaten a sandwich since my softball year of fucking medical school there's not a fork in a knife I ain't eaten it oh shit you know I was going to give

all glory to God and I want to thank all the whores out there you know coming to Vegas during the conventions um Anyway, anyway, I have to plug back into the news because just half the shit I'm hearing about these Epstein files, I have to get, I just tapped out years ago. I have to get back in. And I, because I just want to hear all these super racist fucking people who think the problem in this country is all of these illegal immigrants. They're eating, they're eating the dogs. Oh, yeah, what are you eating, buddy?

What are you doing on your weekends? Jesus fucking Christ. Is that the end game? Like, I just want to talk to all the fucking racists out there. As you sit there, point in the finger at all these other races of people, okay? What do you think of this Epstein Island shit? That these billionaires, soon to be trillionaires, went to a fucking island to bang 12-year-olds. Like, all of these politicians.

these fucking philanthropists, fucking billionaires and shit. Like a bunch of white guys, a bunch of fucking white guys. Now, where are all these people where they're sitting there talking about all these other races that are a bunch of violent people and they're ruining our city and they didn't get a fuck out of this country? There's go fucking back where they came, all of that shit. Now, what do you think of your own fucking people? And furthermore, what if they'll, the handful of fucking billionaire white guys that went down

there and did those horrible fucking things. What if you were then judged by that? What if it wasn't compartmentalized? What if it was just white people? I literally, I just I don't know what the fuck has to happen for people to finally wake up and look

up instead of looking down. I was just out to breakfast having a cup of coffee and like just listening to people. This woman was just like shitting on fucking her own country. called New Jersey a suburb state

and I'm thinking like what does that mean? Suburb of what? They have cities there. They got Newark. They got Trenton. You know? There's much, oh, well, it's nothing compared to New York City.

If you look at the state of New York, it's a fucking, it's a farm state. If you just get out of that little fucking island down there and all of those boroughs where, for whatever reason, seven million people want to fucking live when there's just all kinds of fresh air and green

pasture right up the fucking street and then they went on to say like we're talking about Orlando and they said Orlando is a piece of shit city there's like one nice street and the rest of it is a piece of shit it's a piece of shit city and I'm just thinking like

are you ever going to ask why Like, I just love how people, like, I don't, maybe because you can see poverty. And you can't see, like, with these people flying around in their private jets, so you don't know what the fuck is going on. I don't know. I just, like, the level of, like, design stupidity in this country right now. They've gotten rid of civic classes. Nobody, including myself, even understands how the government works.

I had a buddy of mine when Trump got elected, he called me up and he goes, hey, dude, I know you're not a fan of Trump. But I got to tell you, it's exciting. You know, all the world leaders have already called him. I swear to God, he said that. It's like if they elected you, all the world leaders would have called you. They all called Joe Biden when Trump led that. That's what happens. They're not calling him because they're afraid of them.

Or they respect him. It's just, well, they're like, oh, you're president now? Okay, cool. Congratulations. From Norway, you know, I guess I'll be talking to you for the next 48 years. That's all it is. It's nothing else. It's not, oh, they knew once that guy got in office,

they better make a fucking phone call, dude. No, that's not what it is. Fucking meatheads. Meatheads. There's a war out there for your brain. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. And it goes beyond the cunts.

It's the nerds, too. The nerds have now become the cunts. And they all go to an island and they fuck 12-year-olds, but it's illegal immigrants' problems. They're the problem. Don't ever forget that. don't ever forget that the reason why you you can't afford a house is because of an illegal immigrant that has no fucking money that's why it's not someone who's a billionaire on their

way to being a trillionaire that doesn't pay their fucking employees it's not that fyi there's a finite amount of money so if one person has a trillion of it there's going to be a bunch of people living under a fucking bridge and for some reason this has been called communism now if you're against that. Because when I grew up, there was there was regulations

on capitalism. You couldn't have a monopoly. There was rules on ownership of media. All of these. All of that is out the fucking window. Which your boy, your boy started back in the day. He started

all this deregulation and just fucking, you know, let's take the fucking let's turn the spiket wide open and he opened the fucking door for all of this shit and he made a select few people so much fucking money that when he died they paraded him around the country for fucking like 10 days at his body on ice um all right there you go sorry every once in a while i go out for a cup of coffee and i hear somebody say something like orlando is a piece of shit city it's like what he what the How about Orlando needs help?

How about there's a bunch of good people in Orlando getting underpaid at SeaWorld and Disneyland, evidently, and they can't make their fucking ready? You know, how about that? How about we put some money into public education? And you can actually get a free for the first 12 grades good public education again. Can we do that? Can you bring back a music class? Can you bring back extracurricular?

Oh, we do that. You fucking taxis, you're going to pay it to. Why don't you pay for it, you fucking cunt? All right. I'm actually in a good mood. You wouldn't know it. Oh, you wouldn't know it, but I am. Anyway, in other news,

I've been working with my daughter with her multiplication tables. and, you know, we had to get the number up. She got a 95 on our last 10. You know what it's so cool about it? She got a 95, she didn't even tell me. She immediately went out in the backyard and was working on her baseball swing. She hit a ball over the fucking house

into the neighbor's yard. I thought it was up on the roof, you know? Oh, man, Billy went all the way up there. And it wasn't up there, and I realized it went all the way into my neighbor's fucking yard. She literally went yard. and uh but you know when you own a house i'll tell you if it's not one thing it's another so i went up there looking for the ball she hit and i went up there and i saw that my uh my gutters oh they were all a clutter

they were just filled up so uh my lovely wife was not home because she would have been like what are you doing up there get down off you got to get yourself killed and i just i took so much shit out of the gutters. I filled up half my green like trimmings barrel with what the fuck I threw on the ground. It was my whole morning. I didn't go to the gym. I laid on my belly so I wouldn't fall off the fucking roof. It's just digging my hand and pulling out all of this shit in my gutters. And then wouldn't you know today it rained? I swept it all up like a good boy. and I put it into my fucking green barrel there. And today I woke up and it was fucking raining cats and dogs.

And I went out, and this is a classic husband thing. I went out and I took a video of the water coming out of the bottom of the spout going away from the house. And I sent the video to my wife. thinking I was actually going to get credit in and an out of boy for risking my life. Why don't you thank me after the first responders and all the dads out there who are too cheap to hire somebody with a ladder

lay on their belly, risking breaking their fucking neck to take pine needles and shit out of their gutters, sweeping them all up, the thankless job, sweeping it all up, putting it in the barrel. Nobody says thank you. you to the point you're standing in a raincoat, trying to have video evidence that you actually matter. It was actually, you know, I was really proud of myself and I was also profoundly sad that I'm still

so insecure that I needed that pat on the back that I did that. I mean, my son's like five years old. We're like intellectually on the same level where he's like, you're like, intellectually on the same level. where he's like, you know, I brush my teeth, I washed my feet, I washed my fan, I got dressed myself, right? I'm like literally doing that at 57. I cleaned out the gutters and then I swept it up and look at the water coming out. I'm a good boy. I'm a big boy, right?

Nothing. Nothing. I got, I got no, no, I'm kidding, she's at work. I'm going to hit her with that when she calls me later. Fucking cutie pie. Anyway, dude, there's no fucking hockey. I'm sitting here watching people fucking sweeping the ice. This Olympic coverage, like, I don't know what, like, I can't even, what fucking channel is it on?

I don't know about you guys. I got DirecTV. Olympic hockey's on, like, channel like 182. I saw some of the ladies. I saw their game, got a little chippy. And I've yet to see the USA team. Every time I put it on fucking Finland's playing somebody. I saw Finland versus Sweden.

I think Finland versus Italy. And I also saw the ladies Italian team playing the USA. I saw that one too. And I don't know. First of all, shout out to Italy. I don't know how the fuck you have an Olympic level hockey team. But, you know, with your client, with all those beautiful women over there and all that great food,

the fact that you took the time to feel the team that could compete in the Olympics, that's off to you. Another reason. Another reason to love Italians. Anyway, so I've been hanging. I got a couple buddies of mine that are also dads. And one plays bass and one plays guitar. And on Sunday nights, we have like this dad fucking.

jam and just laughing our asses off butchering these songs. We just had the best time last night. Fucking best time. We all knew that song, I'm Broken, by Pantara, but none of us could quite remember how it went. Like how it goes, you know, chan-chan, chan-chan, jat-j-j-j-j-chun. Or is it, cag-gag-ca-cac-ca-cac-ca-cac-cac-cac-cab.

Like, are we doing it three times? Are we doing it six times? So they go into the guitar solo here, do they go back to that? Wee, me, man, and a wall. I don't know. You know what's been cool as lately? I've been actually, because it's weird to play without a singer.

It's very easy to lose your place. So I've been singing along as I'm playing with those guys. singing along to myself and I'm realizing now I'm starting that like that's another form of independence. It always blows my mind when like drum teachers are teaching you while playing. I see if it's like a regular, you know, a basic beat, but like something really syncopated and they're able to like talk about it as they're playing. It's like another form of independence. And I notice like my whole time playing drums, I've been. been able to sing along with this singer if they were singing with what I was playing,

if that makes sense. Like, if everybody, like, the phrasing was the same phrasing of what I'm playing. But, like, we were playing, like, one of those ACDC songs from If You Want Blood, the live album. And Bond's phrasing is a little, you know, singing it differently, or whatever. And I was able to sing it and not fuck up, even though it's a Phil Rudd straight ahead beat, I was able to do that. I don't know, but every time I think I'm getting good,

I just fucking go on the internet. And what? I saw this fucking guy. You know, like when the band is just, they're just playing this sort of repeat phrase on a loop, and then the drummer just, like, plays fills over it. This guy just like, first of all, every fill was just like a face-melting fill, and he just never ran out of ideas.

And at one point he actually dropped the stick. His right hand and he just did something with the snare, his left hand and his foot. And smiled and was smiling and talking to his bass player, looking to the left as he reached to the right to grab another stick. And then the fact that he dropped the stick and then did what he did and was so casual about it, it made the crowd go even crazier.

And yeah, I mean, whenever I watch those videos, it's like, I really made the right decision becoming a comedian. because whatever that was, whatever I just saw, I do not have that gift. That is fucking... I mean, the guy's a... It was like a fucking wizard. It's like, how do you...

How many fucking hours is that? And how much talent were you born with... But you still have to develop it. Anyway. Ah, I don't know. We got to get these goddamn illegal immigrants It's out of here. You know, there's a bunch of white guys going on an island fucking raping children.

What? It's a bunch of fake news. First of all, I don't fucking understand how there is a, if there's a list, what was the point of killing Epstein? You fucking kill somebody so the story's over. You don't whack him and then there's all this evidence. I guess because what, he was going to fucking talk about it? they still wouldn't do anything to these people. Oh my God.

How much was like court TV depending on staying afloat during this age of fucking streaming services just dominating this whole basically putting half this business out of business, right? Like, you know, I don't know if core TV still exists. MTV fucking shut down. So core TV's got to be close, right? I mean, if they didn't whack Epstein

and that trial was on fucking TV. That's how my business thinks. They don't think like, oh, my God, what went on down there is one of the sickest things I've ever heard. What they think is that this would be a ratings bonanza. You know, and they're like optioning the made-for-TV movie. Right.

Who do we see playing Epstein? Ron Perlman. No, no, no. Too much of a man. he's got to be more of a weasel. Same shape head. Or maybe we bring somebody back. Joey Lawrence,

as you've never seen him. All right. I don't know. Let's do... All right. I don't know what I did. I somehow stopped my recording of my podcast. I almost forgot to bring this up. The 13th annual

Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit is going to be Tuesday, April 28th, as the place we always are at. the New York City Center Theater in New York City. The doors open at 6.30 p.m. Show starts at 7.30 p.m. We got another amazing lineup.

We got Adam Ray, Dave Attell, Drew Dunn, Jordan Jensen, Matt Richards, Zarnagarg, and me, Bill Burr. As always, the Great Rich Voss will be our MC, and we're going to have some special guests dropping in. Tickets go on sale. tomorrow, Tuesday, February 17th at 12 p.m. Eastern. All tickets of 75 bucks. Tickets can be purchased at Patricecomedybenefit. Live or by calling the box office at 212-581-1-1-2-12. 2-1-2-2-2-2. All of this information will be posted on my socials and on my website. All right. Also, shout out and thank you to our producer, Maureen Taryn. She's the engine behind this whole thing, and it's the reason why we're able to do it every year. Okay, and with that,

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Fucking driving into this traffic out here, people Spinning out all over the place And then it's funny people like, These fucking people, they can't drive a raid outy It's different, it never rains out here So all of the shit Transmission fluid, fucking oil you know, whatever.

Whatever the other shit. Whatever, you get the stuff you put in the radiator with a radiator juice. Antifreece. Jesus Christ, my brain's not working today. Yeah, that's all on the road, just collecting for like nine months. You just mix it with the water. And it's soup just becomes this slippery soup. And then these fucking idiots, what do they do?

They dry out where they go out? and they drive down the fucking road, 70, 80 miles an hour. Jesus Christ, there's so much more horsepower than brains on the road right now. It's really fucking fascinating. Like literally how goddamn fast these fucking electric cars are. Jesus Christ, these fucking people, they pull out of a side street like they robbed a bank. And you want to be like, dude, just because your car can go zero to 60 in two seconds doesn't mean you should do it. anyway

so of course I'm driving out here to this fucking meeting I got and you know dead stop on the highway and uh two people hit each other spun out it's like oh you could slow down I was just driving out here and this guy was like right on my fucking ass

like it was a sunny day and you know the old me I would have break checked them and flipped him the bird and everything you know what I did you know what all fucking happened Bill did? I just fucking just got over to the right. Go ahead, buddy. Go go rear end somebody else. You go go to your more important thing than I'm going to. I see what's going on here. You have places to be. I'm just some shithead that's in your way. Felt great. The person went right by me. He was happy. He was happy. He was past me.

Probably shook his head. It's fucking people can't fucking drive. All right. Multifications of I'm getting into your questions here for the week. Hey, Bill. Hey, Bill, you gawk suck. I heard you talking about the multiplication tables and how nicely nines work out. Have you seen the hand trick? If you put both of your hands palms down in front of you and start at the left, all right, slow down by putting your pinky down, you can look to the left of your pinky and see that there is nothing. But there are nine fingers up to the right. You have your first finger down, so one times nine equals nine. Jesus Christ, what are they going to do this during the test? Put their fucking hands on the desk? You can just memorize them. Okay, I get it now. Okay,

move to the right. Put your pinky and put down your ring finger. Look to the left. Your ring finger is one. To the right of your finger is eight. I hope you go through the whole thing. Put the one in front of the eight and you get 18. You have your second figure down, so nine times two equals 18. This works all the way to nine times ten, which brings you to your pinky on the right side. Best to you and your family. All right.

I remember a thing back in the date called Chisnbop. I swear to God, Chisnbop in the news. There was these Chinese kids, and I don't know what the fuck they were doing. It was like they were playing rock paper scissors but by themselves, and they were able to do incredible things with their fingers. So I should not... Listen, dude, I'm not upset with your hack here on how to multiply by nine.

I'm more upset about how long it just fucking took me to get to where I wanted to be because two idiots smashed into each other. I just told my kid I was just like, all right, you start with nine and then you just move to the next 10 up and the number goes down. You're counting down.

9-8776-5-4-321 so it's 09-182736 45 5 4-4 63 7-2 and it's etc right 8-1 right did I fuck that up already yeah I probably did I'm sorry 8291 right or you could just go 918 27 36 45 54 63 72 81, 90, 99, and so forth, 108, 117, you just do it that way. You start to learn it in your head. So, I don't know, she got a 95. I must be doing something right. But if anybody can figure out how to spell Chisimbop and learn how to do that shit, show me how to do it. It was amazing. They used to have this thing on Saturday morning cartoons. They would be like, they would say like, what is, something, something in the news. It was like news for kids. So they were showing these, uh, I think they were Chinese.

They might have been Japanese. I have no fucking idea. They didn't tell you back in the day. They just showed you the shit, and they were killing it. That was 50 years ago. All right, here we go. Next one. Top four shittiest bird encounters.

Shitbirds. I don't know how this happened. All of a sudden, we're just shitting on birds. I think I did it. I was sticking up for pigeons. It's like, there's a lot more shitbirds out there. All right, here are the top four shittiest birds I've encountered so far. All right. And when we exhaust this, I want to go top five, like, you got to give me your top five fast food and your top five shittiest. All right. Or forget fast food because fat food sucks.

How about a fucking restaurant chain that is really proud of itself and thinks it's good and a lot of morons think it's good, but it isn't? How about that? How about we do that one? In the meantime, let's trash birds. All right, here are the top four shittiest birds I've encountered so far. One, the fucking rooster in Hawaii. Oh, I like that. I think it was regional. It's not just, it's not just in general.

The rooster in Hawaii. I won a lottery through work to stay at this big-ass house on the big island for seven nights. My wife, my kid, three years old at the time, and I arrived in Hawaii a night early. We stayed at a campsite in a rainforest, which would have been cool if it weren't for this goddamn rooster that caca fucking doodle dude every 30 minutes all fucking night. I got zero sleep. I thought they only did that shit in the morning. Well, don't ever stay in the jungles of Costa Rica. You're going to have those howler monkeys.

The whole fucking night. Oh, no, no. They have a more raspy thing. I forget what the hell they were. They just wouldn't shut up. All right. Number two, the woodpecker that pecks my chimney every weekend morning. Not weekdays, specifically the weekends.

It's like 7.30, 8 a.m. This motherfucker smacks the shit out of the metal chimney cap and the sound reverberates through my whole goddamn house and wakes us all up. This coward isn't even there when I go out to yell at it. It's fucking flown off because it knows I'm about to start some shit with it. Well, that's what they invented a BB gun for, sir. You know when it's there.

Okay? Sacrifice a fucking morning, sit in a tree. Take them out. And then leave them up there. So you leave a message for all the other birds. Number three, the hawk that tried to slap me with a dead fish. This guy lives a very adventurous life. I was walking my dog in my own goddamn neighborhood. I was like his sense of righteousness.

My own goddamn. neighborhood. The fuck does this hawk get off being outside my neighborhood? When I heard some rustling from the tree above me, I looked up just in time to see half a fucking fish falling towards me and a hawk soaring majestically into the sky. I sidestepped and half a giant salmon hit the ground right near my feet. Dude, that sounds exciting. Maybe this idiot of a bird was trying to send a message, some sort of threat, but it ain't done shit. to me yet. So fuck that feathery piece of shit. Oh my god. You know what I love about this? This is so not about the birds. I've been there, sir. Or ma'am. All right, number four, this fucking

sniper of a seagull that shit on my mom's head in Ocean City, New Jersey, on a family beach trip in 1998. Fuck that bird. How dare it do that to my mother. She raised six boys by herself by where... Ah, dad wasn't around. get it. I get it now. She raised... Well, your mother's a hero. Look at this. Raced six boys by herself working night shifts as a nurse. That seagull is definitely dead now, to which I say, good, fuck that shitty bird.

So I don't know. Maybe I'm blessed because I only have four shitty bird experiences, but the three probably living birds and the one ghost bird can definitely get fucked. Speaking of, you can go fuck yourself too from one bald boy to another. all right I like that see that well east coast attitude there for you

carrying a vendetta get out of my fucking neighborhood how dare you do that to my mother um all right hurling

to me when I was a kid hurling meant puking uh it didn't it didn't mean uh a sports here right well Bill you ginger bullocks.

On Super Bowl night, you are thinking of what sport can I watch in the off-season? Well, try Irish hurling. Check out the magic of hurling, too, on YouTube. Oh, my God. Is this going to be some epic, like, fucking barbaric sport? I'm just picturing this is like Highline meets rugby. It's our 3,000-year-old amateur sport.

We play for the love of your village. parish and county. There is no money. We play in front of 82,000 supporters in the All-Ireland semifinal and All-Ireland Hurling Final. Everyone else is paid except the players. What is England running this thing? To follow a team, check out Claire Saffron and Blue. See Claire versus Cork, All-Ireland Final, 2013 and 2024.

versus Cork all on YouTube. A lot of the players for Claire are friends and teammates of mine. They have regular jobs. To watch live games, try it here. Dude, this is like, how do you fuck with this backstory? This is amazing. Just people from your town not getting paid? So who gets all that money if 82,000 people are watching?

Anyway, you can watch it. Try it live here. Clubber, TG4 player, TG4 YouTube, Claire, GAA, TV, RTE player, BBC Northern Ireland player, and GAAGO. Also, see our history on the Croke Park, our GAA headquarter website. By the way, if you know Bill Murray, it's M-U-A-R-Y, not Bill Murray, call him. He'll fill you in. He's seen a few games live when he was here recently.

But be sure to follow Claire. don't listen to his bullshit if he starts rattling off about Limerick, our close neighbor. Okay, if you do, you can go fuck yourself. Up the banner. All right, I didn't understand most of that last paragraph, which is why I'm going to check out that. I'll check out early. I don't give a fuck. All right, I got to do my meeting and then I'll finish the podcast at a minute.

Hey, I'm back. I'm back. Jesus Christ, what a, what a goddamn day. I was all over fucking L.A. I saw more damn people spot. out on the highway. Just spun out. 720 ass right into the fucking barrier.

There's those fucking people on the East Coast and the West Coast. Whenever bad weather is happening, they still drive the same speed they would on a nice day. Like my favorite thing on the East Coast is when somebody would buy their first four-wheel drive vehicle. This happened a lot when SUVs, like people used to just drive cars. The only people drove a truck would be like somebody if they had like, you know, 10 kids or they fucking worked for a living. But everybody else just drove cars.

And all of a sudden those SUVs, everybody, even like back in the 80s, Nissan Pathfinder, Toyota forerunner, those things came out. The Bronco 2, right? The little mini blazer, whatever the fuck they called that thing. And these idiots, it was their first four-wheel drive vehicle. First time it snows. Everybody's doing like 30, 40 miles an hour creeping along the highway, and then they go by you doing like 60 miles an hour. And every once in a while, you know, not say it happened every time,

but every once in a while you'd come up and over the hill and there would be that person that went by doing 60, like in the medium strip, you know, stuck in the fucking snow, bent the axle or some shit. There was always like one brake light was covered with snow and the other one wasn't. and the wipers would be going, even though they didn't have them on. There's something about getting into a wreck. I think your arms flail about it. And you, you know, that's what they always, in movies,

they always made it, your head hit the steering wheel, and you were laying on the horn, which I don't think ever happened. There was just something that they made up in Hollywood, in the movies, and then people thought it was a real thing. It wasn't a real thing. What usually happened was the steering wheel went into your chest, when the engine pushed into the firewall and you just went into the back seat.

At which point, the horn was disconnected. But what really happened is, as you became a crash dummy and you flipped and flailed about as you fucking rolled your truck, somehow you would turn the blinker on or the wipers. And that was always, the blinker was funny

when somebody was upside down and their directional was on. Because it looked like they meant to do it. Like watch this. You just put the direction along. You fucking roll your truck. Anyway, oh, Billy's back.

He's at his, I'm at my house. I got to go watch my kids. I'm going to make him some, he was requests. I'm usually the breakfast person, but occasionally at night, they come up and they ask me for, I make this daddy's pizza.

I want daddy's pizza. It's just, you know, some fucking tomato sauce, a tortilla, a little bit of garlic, red pepper. And some mozzarella cheese, but they're fucking, their core memory, good things, you know. Like a grilled cheese sandwich, grilled ham and cheese sandwich with dill pickles on white bread, buttered on both sides, get the fuck out of here.

You know? Where's that on the Food Network? It's probably all over the Food Network. I have no idea. Well, if it's on the Food Network, they don't give you any ham or cheese. They give you like fucking truffles and an onion and go make me a ham and cheese sandwich. You have three minutes. That whole fucking channel just shit to bed.

I don't understand why there's no money in teaching people things. All people want to do is watch people compete against each other. That's what we have sports for. You want to watch competition, watch the fucking Olympics. I would like to learn how to cook from some of the best chefs in the world, or at least the most driven ones. that got themselves famous, so they got on TV, you know? Like, what the fuck am I watching?

I don't want to watch fucking eight-year-olds compete with each other to make an ice cream sandwich. Then I got to watch one of them get sent home crying. And all these idiots are like, oh, no, it's good for them. It's good for them. You know, the sooner they learn, you know, you're going to get out in the world and people are going to make you cry, the better.

Unfucking believable. But that's the world. live in. We live in a world where a bunch of people who went to an island to fuck children are now sending illegal immigrants. We never went to jail. Never went to jail. I'm now sending illegal immigrants to a prison surrounded by alligators. I don't know much about psychology, but I think that that falls under projecting. No? Pointing at everybody. Oh, there's a bad guy over there. Fucking dairy-eating dog. Get the fuck out of here.

What are you eating? Gross. Anyway. Anyway. Plowing ahead here. I'll be honest with you, dude. I was really enjoying... I went to that Bruins game in Seattle,

and I watched every single Bruins game after it, and I got into it. I was into the soap opera of the season. And all of a sudden, the Olympics come along. you know, I can't believe they still have the Olympics. That's really surprising to me. Like, why do they still have that? I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I would have thought at some point

someone would have figured out a way to end that so they could have their own, you know, 2.0. They have led in a lot of different events, though. I think you can skateboard now and get a gold medal. When I was a kid, skateboarders were called punks. Now they're fucking heroes. Going to the White House with a shiny metal. But for doing what?

Scuffing up the curve outside of a fucking Cumberland farms? What your kids need to do is go home and study. That's how they were spoken to when I was a child. You know, but everybody gets a medal. And we didn't have snowboarding. You either skied or you stayed home. All right. I need to wrap this up.

Desperately need to wrap this up. Oh, Billy is itching to get on the road. Oh, Billy's got some dumb things to say, and he wants to say him in front of some people. So keep an eye on my website. The dates are being posted on a regular basis. I am really excited to get back out there. I took the perfect amount of time off from doing the road.

I've been on the road since the end of 2024, because I did the play. I took the rest of the year off, and which spilled into the first two months. Ain't bad. Take it, you know, taking it off from the road. But you still got to run on the wheel, man. I still have to write some scripts. You can't sit still in unregulated capitalism.

All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves, and I will check in on you on Thursday.