Monday Morning Podcast - Fresh Air, the Internet, Wedding Disclaimers | Monday Morning Podcast 9-15-25

Episode Date: September 15, 2025

Bill rambles about getting fresh air, the internet, and wedding disclaimers. 120Life:  For a limited time, try 120Life and save 20% off. Just use the code BURR at checkout at www.120Life.com  Hims:  Get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit www.Hims.com/BURR  SimpliSafe: Get a 60-day money-back guarantee and no long-term contracts, SimpliSafe earns your business by keeping you safe and satisfied every day.  Go to www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR to claim 50% off a new system.

Hey, what's going on? It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. September 15th, 2025. What's going on? Hawaii. How's it going on? Geez. Sorry for all the noise.

I'm fucking outside in an undisclosed location currently. I can't disclose the location that I'm at right now because it's undisclosed. Oh, what a beautiful morning. Oh, what a beautiful morning. beautiful day. Oh, what a beautiful morning. The fucking patriots beat the dolphins yesterday. Hey, fucking pats go down to, we've only lost like eight in a row to those motherfuckers, right? I haven't beat them since COVID. When you had a face mask and a mask on.

You wore a mask. What are you fucking cheap? anyways you know i saw a lot of things that i liked fucking drake make kids got some wheels buys the receivers some time he's got some targets to throw to and who's this stevenson kid that fucking pass he caught over the over his shoulder uh out there in the flat is that what they call it one of the real estate agents call that part of the football field before they develop a little bit. Huh? I mean, that's a kind of ball. I would say 15% of wide receivers will probably drop. Had some zip on it. It was over his shoulders. He was running full speed. And I'll tell you that so-and-so he caught it and he ran like a goddamn champ there. I will say a special team

sucked. Let up a punt return for a touchdown, although we then scored a touchdown on a kickoff. A little surf and turf there, right? And then we missed two extra points. points. So, and I would say a lot of the tackling was a little suspect. But Brable's got us going in the right direction. Who knows? You know, or we just like the Jets. Jets were impressive one week and then yesterday, not so impressive. You know, we weren't so impressive against the Raiders, although, you know, we were in the game. Oh, the fucking Jets. The Jets, every time, every time, every every time they start to believe they get the old right there Fred

I didn't see any games I was traveling but I did I did by the time I landed you know I scheduled the flight so I just missed the fucking one o'clock game and then of course we get on

and there was some sort of problem with the plane which they fixed thank God because at the end of the day that that's more important than being able to see the four o'clock game but then they fix it and then my my fucking you know my TV wasn't working

although I did get to watch the Moto GP race which I haven't done in a while I didn't know Fox Sports 1 had the motor GP races and it was just it was more the same Mark Marquez just dominating he let somebody else lead the race

for the first fight I don't know 12 laps or whatever he just watches what they do you know and then he passes him and then Bersheki I think it was, was on his fucking ass or was Bastinini, I don't know who the fuck it was. I was on a plane.

Had no sound. I'm not putting on those stupid earbud things. You know, he rides on Marquez's ass for like the final fucking whatever, 10 laps. But where the other guys flinch or wear out their tires, Marquez doesn't. Dude, the guy could literally win the championship.

Since I've been watching MotoGP, I've never seen somebody win it this early in the season. He has like over five. 500 points. The next closest guy's got like 336. He has like 512. The next race is in Japan. He could, I think if he wins the race, he comes in first. He has it wrapped up. And then he just basically does a parade lap all the way through October and the first two weeks of November. That's insane. speaking of which speaking of motor gp oh billy went on a nice motorcycle ride the other day i was moping around the house depression settling in so nia's looking at me right she's like

this guy's already difficult to live with now now he's in a depression she goes why don't you go when did you go to the airport go fly i was like i don't want i don't know i don't want she You should do it. You should do it. She'll be good for you. You should do it. Come on. You should do it.

She knew what she was doing. I am not spending my weekend with a sad clown. Get the fuck out of here. And I got to tell you, she was 100% right. I went up there, cleaned up the helicopter. You know, I don't know if there was a fire or something. It was really, uh, visibility wasn't the greatest. So I just flew the pattern.

and then it was like gusting was like you know winds 10 knots or 12 knots or something like that and then like another like 15 knot gust so I'm just like well I'm not fucking going anywhere with that shit I'm just a little fella I'm flying in a light aircraft I'm not doing that so I just flew the pattern to see how bad it was didn't seem too bad it wasn't until I got uh over Hollywood I think it was coming off the ocean I don't know what it was It was a little bumpy. So I was just like, yeah, you know, just go back. So I bring the thing back.

Set it down perfectly. And I put her away. I warmed up the motorcycle. I took a ride through the neighborhood. I had a great fucking time cruising around. Put that thing away. And then I came out, guess what? Guess what?

The depression was gone. I think there's something to be said that when you're depressed, if you're fucking sit around, if you're not clinically depressed, but if you just have like a fucking, I don't know what, you're in a malaise, if you do something that requires concentrating, anything, playing an instrument, fucking listen to your neighbor telling the story about what he plans to do with the landscaping in his backyard, and anything that requires an effort to listen to. I think it just kind of clears it away. It's a nice little breeze through your brain.

And then especially if you're doing something where you could get killed or hurt or whatever, you know, the focus of that, it really kind of, I'm telling you, I don't know what it is. Or maybe flying. It's kind of up there. they're bouncing around or some shit.

I don't know. I heard a long time ago, ah, sorry. You know, remember those little mini trampolines that like skinny blonde women would do like aerobics on, on ESPN? For some reason, like 11 in the morning. Back when women didn't work,

guys went to work at 11 in the morning. You know, right when the paranoia for the wife started settling in, like he's been working late a lot this week. is he fucking the secretary i better get my ass in shape right and then they would they would turn on ESPN and uh they had this one guy there was a guy used to do a show on it i only know this because i'm a comedian once sports center was over this this exercise show used to come on and the guy doing the show looked like that soccer player rest of the soul hand of god

Maradonna, whatever his name was. Not the biggest soccer guy. That's what he looked like. Hand of God, I swear to God, he looked like the hand of God guy. And he was doing fucking aerobics. And I want to say that they had like a little fucking trampoline, sorry. I put my sunglasses on. I'm doing this thing outside here.

Oh, Billy, too cool for a podcast over here. Yeah, they would have a, they would have a fucking aerobics show on after that. And then I want to say there was a chick one. At some point, I remember there was those little fucking trampolines. And they would be running in place. Ah, ah, ah, ah, and then they would have their hand on their jugular, two fingers on their jugular, and then they would be looking at like a little swatch. Like, that was a big thing to do.

running in place at a red light and checking your heart rate was a big fucking thing in the 90s nobody had any sort of cardiovascular training no one knew how to read an EKG machine is that what it's called but but you definitely you know you ran it you put your two fingers to your neck you ran in place at a fucking red light waiting for it change and you looked at your swatch and that's that let everybody know at the red light that you were fucking serious about working out. Somebody sitting there in a late model Honda Prelude watching you look at your swatch

and your leg warmers, not leg warmers. That was the 80s. Let's be honest, ladies. Did your calves really get that cold? Or did it just look a little hoary? Give you that attention that you wanted, you know? So then you could bat it away like, oh my God, stop staring at me.

We'll stop dressing like a warm hooker. that you ever think about that oh i'll tell you nothing brings the male attention like a a fucking warm hooker little fucking afghan legs over there um and then the rest of it that was that was the beginning that was the beginning of this ridiculous thing that when you go to the gym you know you have to dress like an off hour superhero I feel like that's starting to go away. But there was definitely the X-Man cometh age of working out. I am proud to say, despite when I was born,

living through all of the 80s, into the 90s, the workout craze, heavy metal, and all that, I have never owned any spandex. I don't even know what it is. Spandex lives in the world somewhere between polyester and just straight up plastic. I don't know what it is. It only makes sense if you're fighting crime to have to have clothes that tight.

You know what I mean? Or if you're like an offensive lineman. Any job you have where somebody's going to grab you. Although I will say back in the day, you know, half the reason they had lapels on sports coats is so somebody could grab both of them after they felt they got fucked on a car deal

and when they go to bring it back someone was forever grabbing somebody by both lapels let me tell you something you son of a bitch and what's funny is the person with the wearing the coat that was getting grabbed would always just sit with his hands down by his side and would just sort of move his head back

when it would happen or maybe that was just the movies I don't know anyway plowing ahead here Jesus Christ Billy Babbles Brian Dabbles Brian Dabble

Is that the name of the coach of the Giants Jesus Christ That guy needs a fucking salad And a hat on his head Who is the woman in his life That is letting that guy walk around Eating steaks and cheeses And not having a hat on his head

to coach four quarters of football. I can almost hear his head searing in the sun. I'm probably, maybe I'm projecting. Is that what I'm doing? Are you projecting? Um, I don't know. Anyway.

Oh, here's something I didn't bring up in that motor GP race. It was just fucking Pedro Costa. I don't know what lap it was, but he was among the leaders. Just put it that way. I was on a plane. No sound. All right. Every five seconds.

Can I interest you in a, you know? I'm sorry, sir, could you bring your seat back up? We're going to be experiencing some turbulence. Anyway, I don't know what lap it was, but like the chain on his bike. broke. I feel so bad that guy. And I don't think he's going to stay with his team much longer. He's too good a rider for the bike. He got off his bike and he was so upset. They cut back to him. It was right as he was pulling his hands down. I think he gave his motorcycle the double finger. That's when you know, it's when you know you're having a tough day. When you give a machine the

double finger, you know, as if they're alive in working against you. Like the machine has emotions. Like what they're trying to do with these fucking robots, trying to say these robots feel emotions. It's like they don't feel emotions. They're not alive. There are trigger words that the alive person says that then what they do is they mirror emotions, much like, a sociopath just mirrors the emotions of people in the room but doesn't feel any um i got to tell you this uh this whole fucking i don't know the last five years how insane the general public has gotten um i'm telling you man like i i am really i am really starting to believe that the internet should just be shut off.

And I know that that would affect my business, but at the end of the day, am I going to choose my business over humanity, over my own country or whatever? Like, people are out of their fucking, they're out of their fucking minds. And the fact that you can sort of choose your own reality on the internet is just like, so they can be like something happens and you can have a completely opposite story time about it's it's unbelievable i just really think that like unless you're on the internet like you know you want to watch the nfl package or you're learning how to play a stone temple pilot song on an acoustic guitar wane it bang bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo bo if you you know But everything else, the politics, the porn, the fucking shit that you can just watch on there. The shit, the fact that people can just lie and just make up shit and presented as truth, it's just fucking, listen, it was already bad when there was just TV.

But I just think that we've gone to this new fucking. level. Because I keep hearing people going like, dude, this, the United States of America has gone to hell in a fucking handbasket. And here I am. I'm sitting outside. Everybody's walking by. Hey, how are you doing?

Good morning. You know, just fucking people are cool. Get off the goddamn internet. You get on the fucking internet. The internet's like a giant mean girl. Do you hear what so-and-so said about so-and-so? Look at this thing. Now they're going to make you blah, blah, blah, blah, before you even.

and wah, wah, right? And you're sitting there eating your corn flakes before you even get out of the fucking house. You know what it really reminds me up? Did you ever see a story on... Back in the day when they did radio plays? You know, ladies and gentlemen, tonight's radio play is brought to you by...

Whatever the hell they hit. Caster oil. I was trying to think of something old. Tuberculosis, loggins. anyway uh polio pediolite um

you know before television people would they would gather around the radio and they would listen to these these radio plays before television so one night they did a radio play called War of the Worlds and it was about you know

an alien invasion from Mars or something and the aliens land and they start kicking the shit out of the army and they're all here to kill all of us and blah blah blah blah so for whatever reason because it was early on with mass media they thought it would be a good idea what if we just went into the play and we acted like it was real and we didn't tell anybody and it's sort of like an april fool's thing so they fucking did it and people got so insane people some people actually killed

themselves listening to it thinking these aliens were here and that they were right over the horizon and they were going to come and eat you alive or whatever the fuck they were going to do. And the amount of people who never thought to just shut the radio off and look out the window or turn the channel to another radio station. And, you know, not hear about an alien invasion. People would just be, you know, singing a song or shooting the shit and then they could have figured it out, but they didn't. I kind of feel like the Internet is the modern day war of the world.

worlds and we are all going on there and we are getting false information and we are becoming hysterical um i know that happened to me like i have not been on fucking instagram every once and a while every other day or something i pop in and i just check my dms just in case somebody dm'd me to tell them that i got off this fucking thing and i got to tell you I feel a lot better I do I mean I miss looking at the motorcycle videos the car videos

the fucking booty girls and all of that I miss that shit Of course I do But I feel a lot less anxious It's really bad And I gotta tell you man I'm really waiting

for a fucking backlash on nerds my whole life everybody was fucking up the ass of athletes anybody you could throw a ball or whatever dated a cheerleader for stay they were the fucking assholes everybody hated and everybody thought that nerds were you know i can't even say harmless they didn't even pay attention to them well maybe it's time to start paying attention to them because they're fucking out of control what a fucking nerd will do to beat another nerd in an algorithm, you know, treason is on the table for him. Like, why the fuck you would be running shit or saying shit that would stir up your own countrymen? Like, the whole idea of rage bait, I mean, how the fuck that is legal?

I remember growing up, it's like you couldn't yell fire in a crowded movie theater because people would get hurt. But for some reason on the internet, you can just say, you can just make up horrible shit and get people all upset, and then they go out and they hurt other people. It's so fucking stupid. It's so stupid. But I don't see any politician. I see them, they keep trying to stop it, and then it, like, magically goes away.

And that just means people got paid off. I believe. you know, there's an entity in my business that they keep trying to say is a monopoly. It's 100% a monopoly, but every time they go in front of the DOJ, all of a sudden it magically goes away. Gee, I wonder what

happened. Kaching, Kaching, Kaching. They fucking buy their way out of it. I don't know. I don't know. So if you're feeling depressed or anxious or whatever or something like that, try getting off the internet. You know what's amazing? It's if you get off the internet, you immediately become a unique

person, which is really hard these days. If you get off the fucking internet and you start walking around, your vibe starts to change. The first time I noticed that was when I stopped watching 24-hour news networks. And then I would run into people that are watching them. And they would come at you and their eyebrows would be up at their hairline, freaking the fuck out, you know, before you even had a chance to have your eggs about what the fuck was happening next. I'm not saying you should stick your head in the sand and not know what's going on in your own country.

I'm not saying that, but like, there's got to be other places to get your news where you can fucking keep your sanity. So anyway, yeah, you get off the fucking internet And like, your quality of life compared to like the other 98% of people you're going to run into that day is just instantly better simply because you got out of the world's fucking coffee shop. Everybody's sitting around gossiping. I have to be honest, like the amount of like just radical shit. radical shit that you just see on that stuff or you just you see the like you know you might everybody at this

point you've lost a few friends to the internet haven't you they just state they they went on the internet it was like back in the day one of those cop movies where the dudes the dude stays undercover too long and then they try to bring him back in and he won't go back in he's got like stockholm syndrome he's like fucking now he likes the gangsters yeah Like some people, they can't handle the internet. What happened to? I stayed on the internet too long. We lost him.

We got to go get him. It's too late, man. It's too late. He's got his own currency. He's got his own flag. He's fucking, he's gone. We can't get him back. It's fucking over.

So, I don't know. Maybe something to think about. Maybe something that would fucking help shit out because I know everybody being on the fucking internet it's not helping things out why do I feel like I'm listening to the world's giant giant fucking ratchet anyway I got a podcast coming out I don't even know when it's coming out but I'm gonna pre-promote it oh there it is what the fuck is that top of a fucking elevator chef

um is there any place where you can go that that's just truly quiet other than that creepy fucking room they have at like Microsoft or apple that you go into they try to stay in there if you can stay in there for a half hour they give you like an iPod or some shit i can't remember what it was but no one's able to do it I want to try that

I just feel like I'm so fucking walled off German Irish fucking lunatic that I would plow through the madness just just to get an iPad or some shit and then like I don't think I could stay in there the whole time if nobody cares but I probably could stay in there

longer than the average person just because I am wired to ignore an unhealthy situation anybody else? Like, I feel like the better childhood you had the short, it's just a theory,

the shorter amount of time you could spend in that quiet room without losing your mind. But I think the more abused you are, you know, the longer you could stay in there. Because you'd be, all right, nobody's hitting me. Nobody's touching me, you know? Nobody's threatening to walk out of my life. You know, it's all right.

Nobody's stealing money from me. I mean, this is, you know, I don't like this, but it's not as bad as that. You know, maybe you could do an extra 10 seconds, so maybe another minute or two. I also believe that there's sinister reasons why those computer cunts built that thing. Because those fucks, all they care about is money. So there's no goddamn way they built that fucking room and are putting people in there and challenging them to see how long that they can stay in there without, collecting some sort of fucking data.

And I bet what I just told you, what my theory right there, I bet they have fucking numbers that can say, Bill, you're 100% right, 87% wrong or 99% you know, whatever, right? I bet they can fucking break the whole goddamn thing down. See, the thing about nerds is, you know, their hot chicks are numbers. They don't go to a bar and go, oh my God. Look at her. I'm going to come up with something to say to her. See if, you know, see if I can get something going.

They don't, they, that's, that to them is like fucking algorithms. That's their hot chick. That's how they get their women. That's, they get their, they get their women. They don't go down to some sports bar, right? And hit on a pick me that has on a football jersey tied off on the back to show off the small of her back. I'm a football fan That fucking ditsy broad Right I get it if you're a waitress I get it if you know

You gotta whore it up a little bit You gotta make the tips I understand that But if you're not a fucking waitress You know That's another thing You know I'm not in the world of women

But you know I think that there should be Some sort of etiquette You don't try to outhor up Outhor the fucking waitress Okay you're not working Stand down Okay stop trying to steal focus

you know if I took my wife to see the full Monty I'm not pulling my dick out too you know what I mean? I was raised right that's all I'm saying okay Okay

I'm saying Yeah my point Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, um, anyway uh, the fuck was my point yeah my point is you know maybe uh maybe a little less internet maybe a little more talking to your neighbor

not about the internet maybe go for a walk you know go fishing go for a fucking bike ride hey what's going on sorry man I'm doing a podcast up here is this bad I can hit pause sorry see look at that

that was a great example of not being on the internet I ran into another human being we had a pleasant conversation. I apologize for doing a podcast in a public area. We talked about the weather. We talked about the view and all of that type of stuff. I asked him where he was from.

You know, we, you know what it was? We weren't on the internet. We were face to face. And when you're face to face with another human being, there's just a natural, level of respect that you have for another human being. And why is that? It goes to the basic needs of a human being.

Okay? You want to connect with other people. You want to be heard. And you don't want someone to beat the shit out of you. So you're nice. Like I just, I went into pleasant mode immediately. Oh, how are you doing? Sorry about that.

You know, he's like, don't worry about it. you do a podcast hey everybody does a podcast chuckle chuckle chuckle isn't it nice out it is nice out you seem like a nice fellow well you seem like a nice fella too okay nice talking to you that's what happens in the real world you get on the internet saying for me it's so stupid sunglasses bro maybe you want to have all people do is just pick on each other media platforms oh billy old man look at look at me look at me look who gets off the fucking instagram for two goddamn weeks and is now giving you a lecture i got a lot of nerve don't i well guess what i am an unexamined man so the nerve is going to keep coming

i'm just saying i don't know it's just been oh jesus christ Is it anything worse when you're doing a podcast And then your wife closes the door Because it's not entertaining to her This is one of these days Where I can already feel That if I just fucking relax I'm going to have a good day

But if I keep going in the direction that I feel like I want to go I mean I've had a cup of coffee yet And I don't know what it is I'm fucking wound up today It's a great day It's a great day It's a beautiful day. It's a sunny day.

Whatever flying a helicopter and riding a motorcycle did for my psyche, I feel I'm in a great fucking mood. And for some reason, that means I have a very high percentage of annoying this shit out of my wife. Because for some reason, even when I'm in a good mood, I'm still fucking annoying. So I got to like, I got to make sure that, you know. you know, like I said, I'm a walled-off German-Irish guy, so I, I wake up like a robot. I don't kind of come out of a slumber. You know, you know, some people wake up like regular people, like my wife, my wife's regular. She wakes up and it's like, uh, and she stretches and she lays

there for a second. She gets like fucking acclimated and all of those words regular people use. I just open my eyes and then I just get up and within 30 seconds I can be singing a song at an annoyingly loud level it's like you know I wake up like the way you turn on a TV

it's just on and then you just hear the show and it's at fucking middle of the day volume so I need to learn that everybody else isn't like that you know what I mean and when I say I need to learn this really is just it's a guy thing you know you need to learn how your woman likes to wake up what you always need to learn how they need to do things because you have to keep that that entity happy it's the only hope you have for your own happiness is if she has to be happy that whole fucking happy wife happy life thing is a is a wait here she comes here she comes oh my god hey i didn't know if you were still

doing what's going on the lovely nia i was painting a picture of you that you were way more difficult to be with for comedy purposes my goodness you're a gorgeous woman thank you what were you saying about me i was just joking about the different come over here the way i wake up versus the way you wake up you wake up like you've been shot out of a fucking canon. That's not just saying. I was saying you, you wake up like a normal person. You stretch, you make noises, but none of them are words. Right. Right? You're doing it right now. Yeah, that's what you do. And then you fucking... I also go to grab my phone when I wake up like most people do, whether, you know, whenever you think about that, most of us do it. And I immediately turn down the volume

as well as turn down the brightness like I make sure it's turned down all the way before I start to like you know maybe take a little peek at what's on my phone versus yeah I do French lessons you have your phone as loud as a TV

and it literally shocks me like a cartoon you never think before you open the phone just just turn it down all the way down right all right well you know what you do this is this is something

this is something because most videos have captions just stay with me most videos she's rubbing my shoulder stay with me this is me managing you most videos have captions these days or you can turn them on so you can read what's happening

you don't have to like listen to it immediately so I just feel like that's another that's another way that we're different is it okay shots fired what you got well

as much as I wake up shot out of a can and I'll give you that I don't have to give you it it just is I don't have to concede it it's a fact is I don't wake up ever you know because sometimes you do wake up before me

I have never woken up before you while your eyes are still closed and said so what are your plans today? That's true. Which means, for me, that means the assignments are coming. No, that's just me wondering what you're doing so that our schedules are lining up. No, no, no, no. It means you have some shit to do, but you have some other shit that you want done that you don't have time to get done.

So you're trying to find a whole of my schedule. There's no eye contact. No. No, not necessarily. I'm not seeing any eye contact. I'm just trying to see what you've got going on. And if you have something that night, do I have something that night? Do I need to make sure that we have child care coverage?

That's really what it's about mostly. It's like, what are you up to today? You know what I liked best about that answer was the soothing tone. Hey, you know, we're not here to have any sort of, we're not here to harsh the mellow man. No, my voice has been sounding better lately. No, no, no, no. Let's stay on topic. Oh.

Okay. What we're trying to talk about is like you're skipping all the, can you go to the dry cleaner? Can you pick up this thing that I have framed? Can you go over? You know, the wheel got put on my luggage again. And I was wondering if you can track the package or whatever the fuck it is. Track the package. Track the package.

That is something you remotely know how to do. Oh, wow. I know how to track a package on a phone. You know, you kids today with what you brag about. You know, when I was a kid, you bragged because you could fucking do a cartwheel. This is old man Willie talking. This isn't Bill. That's what I'm doing.

That's the bit. A cart wheel? No one ever bragged about being able to do a cartwheel. You know, we went outside and we had a three-legged race. Found an old empty sack of potatoes. And back then when somebody said you felt like a sack of potatoes, God damn, we knew what it looked like. You kids today, you know what a sack of potatoes looks like?

You know what a side of potatoes looks like? What if I'm over eats? I'm sorry. I like how you have this, like, microphone. attached to it. This is really nice. I like that. No, I'm looking at it because I have to do a voiceover for a work. Oh, this microphone works fantastic. Is this a paid ad? And we're acting like we're just talking about the product? What I'm about to do is a paid ad. So it would be nice to, like, you know, use something like that. Can I borrow that to do a voiceover for my paid ad that I have

Yes, absolutely. You absolutely can. There you go, ladies and gentlemen. And that's how it works. That is exactly how it works. You came out here, you know? You just, I don't know. I don't know, man, you're going to get something. I'm kidding. All right. A free t-shirt, a fucking...

Are you excited to have dinner with me tonight? Oh, yeah. Wow. Really? I can't wait. Really? Here we go. 47 courses.

Take little bites. Take little bites. All right, you want to hear a hot take? All your takes are hot takes, but go ahead. You got nothing. No, no, I do. What? I do.

What? Is it about me? No. What? It's about certain restaurants with certain level status. I think you need to tread carefully. Okay. Based on what it is that I'm doing.

So can we not? You can tell me not on air. They just keep coming to the table, explaining what you're eating. You cannot help. This is a red radish fucking puree that's been pureed with the red radishes. A radishes come off the coast of Maine with the lobsters. Radishes coming off the coast of Maine. Yeah, is it going to be a test at the end of this fucking...

It's part of the fine dining experience that they explain to you what you're eating. Isn't that nice to know exactly what you're eating? Like you are just going to sort of trust a menu that will give you like, three or four like this is what in it but this is really explaining to you you fucking changed man what do you mean you're not that girl i used to know when i first met you yes i've changed since i was 25 yeah man you got to tell me i was 25 she was such a she was such a simple person all they do is take you to nathans get you a hot dog you're like oh my god he's so romantic I still love a Nathan's hot dog.

You can still take me to those simple places. Oh, look at you going old Jenny from the block. My, oh my God. My experiences and my palette has evolved. So now I want new experiences more. Do you know what I want? I want you to never say my palate again. All right, let's do some advertising reads.

My palette is a little more sophisticated. Do you remember MySpace? And everybody said they had an eclectic music taste because they liked, you know. you like hip hop and rock whoa no but you always had to throw something random in there and i also i also like those guys that sing bumbleaia bumbleaia bozaboo pop boop boop boop boop no white person knew beyond bumbleaia um unless she were a fucking groupie hey this white girl knows all the words um a hundred

What? What? Don't do that accent. Why can't you do accents? 120 to life. Let's talk about the seriousness of high blood pressure. Hoity tooty. Do you know your blood pressure numbers?

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recovery and stamina, Nia. Why did you say it to me like that? They're stammering them. They're talking about the bedroom. Oh. I can go forever with these superfruit drinks. Nobody needs you to go forever. I really just gave myself a headache there. Exactly.

I'm a little dizzy. All right. Exactly. Okay. What are you guys trying to do to my husband? Where are we? They're trying to sell your superfruit. 120 to life not only helps manage high blood pressure,

it can also help, blah, blah, blah, blah. Stamina fights inflammation, supports improved blood flow. Who doesn't support that? Supports high, healthy cholesterol. Endorsed by over 1,000 doctors, Nia. Just picture all those lab coats. 120 to life is trusted by health care professionals

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use Code Byr to get this special offer. These statements have not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose treat cure or prevent any disease. Hymns, can you imagine if actually, after you got married, you did

that? Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife to love and to hold and good sickness and health, good times and bad times? I do. The statement is made by your husband are not approved by any sort of strip club hardcore drug

hymns erectile dysfunction can make you feel out of control. Oh my God, I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Look at it! It's just laying there! Hymns let's... The old gummy worm.

The old... The old... The old Eldente little Fred there. Hymns lets you take it back with personalized treatment options, including daily meds that support more spontaneous moments. Wait a minute, what's happening over here? Can you time the hot on? What do you think? You're going to take a shower and then what are you doing after that? I don't want to come at you like Ron Burgundy.

See, that's the kind of like, you know, wake up in the morning. What's your day looking like type of conversations? I would like to have. No, you'd have that. Conversations instead. You'd like me to wake you up and just bang you? I mean, not opposed to it. With fucking eight-hour bad breath just lingering in the air.

Can we at least brush our teeth first? All right, that's fine. Okay. I don't like how you subtly suggested that I needed hymns in the morning. Why do you say it like that? Because no one's going to listen. If I just go hymns, is your dick staring at the floor and never wants to see what the weather's like up in the sky?

Hymns. Did they also make hers? No, I'm doing the guy in The Warriors. It wasn't us. It was them. The Warriors did it. That's where it comes from. All right, use the ad copy to introduce hymns,

and now it can help switch it up. I was going to, can we just pause for a second? Because earlier you said call to action, have you been reading the directions out loud as part of the ad read? Yeah. Because you're not supposed to read that part. Well, then they shouldn't have it here. I'm Ron Burgundy.

use the ad copy to introduce things and how it can help switch it up for each read to keep things new and fresh each time try to sound casual and personalize what you say hey man let me just take a couple seconds talk to you about my limp dick that is now real fucking smooth here I'm going to switch it up let's not forget my ball bag down there. Okay. Through Hymns, you can access personalized prescription treatment options for erectile dysfunction like hard mince. You get it? And sex wrecks, sex RX plus climax control. Ha ha. Oh, he? It prescribed. You can't expect a comedian to be mature during any of this. Hymns offers. That's somebody trying to stave off. having an orgasm too early.

Ha, he, who! While simultaneously asking you if you're there yet. Do you have to stare at me so deeply to my eyes when you do that? Yeah, well, yeah. I imagine we were in missionary position. And I was looking deep at your eyes going, ha, he, who?

I might do a callback next time I bang you. Oh, boy. Hymns offers, you know what you would say? you just go, Bill, and we would go right back into it. That's how long we've meant together. We could literally be at that level of intimacy, still do a joke that you didn't like. Right. And continue.

Continue on. Until completion. That's right. Hymns. That's our whole relationship. All right. Hymns offers access to erectile dysfunction treatment options ranging from hard mince to trusted generics that cost 95% less than the name brands.

If prescribed, you shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself. Hymns brings expert care straight to you. Hey, got those dick pills your ass for. Guy comes in a raincoat. Glosses. You have 100% online access to personalized treatment that puts your goals first. This isn't one-size-fits-all care that forgets you in the waiting room. It's your health care goals put first with real medical providers,

making sure you get what you need to get the result. Think of hymns as you did as your digital front door that gets you back to your old self with simple 100% online access to trusted treatments for erectile dysfunction and more all in one place. Get simple online access to personalize affordable care for erectile dysfunction. Hair loss, weight loss. Dude, everything that makes you not get laid, a limp dick, bald, fatty. They're going to take care of all that.

and more. So you can come in with your lion's maid, a hard gack, and jump over that end table and give her the what-for? With hymns. That's hymns.com. Nothing turns a woman on, like jumping over a coffee table, fully erect. That's hymns.com slash burr for your free online visit.

Hymns.com slash burr. price will depend on product and subscription fans feature products included compound drug products with the fda does not approve of verifiers for safety or effectiveness or quality prescriptions required see website for details restrictions and important safety information i think they should have that at a wedding someone should read that you know do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband they have it a whole blah blah you go i do you know um what would be uh this woman has crushing credit card debt she goes online she buys a bunch of shit that that she doesn't need.

She's already stolen your identity. Simply safe, everybody. You know, Nia, I'm going to talk about your home security for a moment. Okay, let's talk about it. You know, I used to think home security was just an alarm that goes off after a break-in. You mean it's not?

Scaring the intruder off and getting a neighbor's attention if you're lucky. But that's a reactive approach, Nia. By the time an interterterter is in your home, it's too late. Your feeling of safety is shattered. That's why real security should stop a crime before it even starts. Hey, don't even think about it.

That's why I trust SimplySafe. Their system is designed to be proactive, not reactive. This is what we have in our house. Here's how they use smart AI powered cameras to identify threats lurking outside your home and immediately alert Simply Safe professional monitoring agents. I think SimplySafe could make a lot of money. You don't think cops let people do ride-alongs? They should let people go to their home base

and yell at potential intruders through their system. I think it would be really cathartic. You know? They also have to have some parameters. Sure. You know? Can't just be screaming all kinds of wild shit. Yeah, this isn't the Internet.

This is the home security system. These agents intervene in real time before break-ins even begin. They access two... Hey! Get away from there! Oh, how could you? You swing that other leg over that fence,

I'm telling you! These agents intervene in real time before the break-in even begins. Sir? Don't do that. Sir, think about the rest of your life. Think about the rest of your life. It isn't worth it.

They have a lot of knock-off products in there. Just let you know. They access two-way audio to confront the person, and trigger sirens and spotlights to scare them off and request rapid police dispatch when needed, all helping to stop the intruder while they're still outside. Do you think of fuck? What happens when somebody breaks into the house of a minimalist?

Oh, what the fuck? There's nothing there to even break. Fucking sleeping bag in the corner. Galoshes. That's my word of the day, galoshes. That is real security. Yeah, I got these hot galoshes. She could actually sell stolen galoshes in the 1920s.

That's how great this country used to be. A Mac. How about the next time it rains, your feet are drier than your wife's? Join the... Sorry, do they make a pill for that? Well, if he had hymns, maybe it wouldn't be like that. Now, why is your dry pussy his fault? Well...

My wife's... How do I... A man's limp dick isn't your fault. No, that's true. See how that works? Yeah. That's how the math works. Yeah, but I don't know.

We can debate that. No, I'm asking. Do women ever have that problem? Have what problem? Like dryness. Yes, Bill. They have products. All right.

They have products. That's all I asked. Okay. Before you came out with all the fucking El Dente guys over here. Join the more than four million Americans who trust simply safe with their home security every day, including me. And with a 60-day money-back guarantee and no. No long-term contracts, SimplySafe earns your business by keeping you safe and satisfied every day.

That's what I like to think I do for you, Nea. I keep you safe and satisfied. Visit Simplysafe.com slash Burr to claim 50% off a new system. That's simplysafe.com slash burr. There's no safe. Mike, SimplySafe. All right. Now let's get into the reads.

oh my god i've done our almost done an hour already all right update band director sending my wife dick picks and me wanting to shove a clarinet up his ass yeah i always felt like this is the update i always felt you should go to the cops dear bill you may remember reading like i would forget this email you may remember my wife's band director was sending pictures of his car yeah uh you may remember reading my email several weeks ago about some loser high school band director sending a dick pick to my wife. You wisely advised me to not try and beat his ass. Yeah, because the law defense, like, you're going to get an assault charge and then he's going to sue you. And your wife still knows what his dicks looks like. It's just, it's a different world out there. But instead

to take more of a high road and perhaps go to the police about the situation, well, I did exactly that. Great. Every once a while, I have good advice. I know one of my small town police officers quite well and brought up the situation to him. In small town fashion, the story quickly went to the chief to a city chamber member to the school superintendent. Turns out my wife wasn't the only one the guy

was sending unsolicited messages and dick picks to. Another woman contacted the school that same week with the similar story. Oh my God, did they have to go down there and pick his dick out of a lineup? Let's bring in the likely characters in this small town.

That's an episode of the office. They decided, they went that hard in the office. Is that way people always going? You could never do that episode. Someone exposed themselves to someone in the office. And then Dwight decided to do, like, have her look at a bunch of pictures of Dix.

Yes, yes. It was part of the storyline. Okay, that right there is why it's so hard to write shows and everything, because literally everything has been done. Right. Mm-hmm. I told you that time when I was sitting and I fucking was sitting with a buddy mine

and I bought all of these drum instructional videos DVDs, VHS, I had like a hundred of them. This is 25 years ago, whatever it was. And I was like, you know, I would, and there was a similarity to him and I was thinking as a joke to do a, you know, a fake drum instructional video.

And somebody goes, Fred Armisen already did that. And I said, I'm quitting this fucking business. I'm done. All right. They decided to launch an investigation on the guy and found he was sending inappropriate text to students on a school messaging app. The school quickly suspended

and then fired him a couple weeks later and it sounds like he will face criminal charges. I would hope so. While my rage hasn't quite cooled down, especially after learning about the students, I'm thankful for your wise advice and that the school and police were quickly able to take control of the entire situation.

Thanks again. go fuck yourself. Yeah, because if you beat the fuck out of him, you would have got an assault charge and, you know, you'd be in jail and he would still be fucking, you know, pulling his cock out all around town. Do you really think, though, somebody like that, if he beats him up and it's like, you know, I know you're sending dick pics around, you piece of shit, like he's really going to go to the cops and be like, he beat me up because he's got all like the evidence against him. I mean, I am so happy that you weren't on the podcast a few weeks ago. I'm not saying that he should...

Because I agree with that. I agree with that. But that would have been dumb advice because it's still... He just... It never... He would have been in jail for like a couple of hours.

You can't... You can't get violent with somebody unless they're being violent with you. What this guy's doing is a form of violence, but it's not a physical threat. And this is how guys who take their fucking dicks out

would beat you in court. No pun intended. I don't know. I mean, yeah. I mean, I'd like... I'm not a lawyer. I don't know if this happens. I was just defending my position.

No, it was the right advice to give, but I feel like, I don't know. Like I said, maybe they would take you to the station for a couple of hours. All right. I'm going to take you out to breakfast is what I'm going to do. I'm going to read one more of these. Oh, I love you. Oh, I love you too. Yeah, you're the best.

You're the best. All right, E90, BMW, M3, V8, 6 speed. Billy, this is a best. Bad-ass car. I own one of them as well. Four-door limited tech V8, six-speed beast. So much fun to drive, and it's got room in the back for the kids. Great choice. For maintenance, you should go to a good beamer shop and get the rod bearings replace with B.E. bearings. The rod bearings clearance from the factory has spacing issues, especially with the thicker oil the car needs. Well, I already learned that it needs a thicker oil. Another good modification is an exhaust, which really brings out

the sound. Let me know if you need exhaust recommendations or a reference to a good shop. There's one guy down in San Diego who's a genius and knows these cars in and out. Really? Well, this car came hooked up, but I will definitely, if you can send me the information of that guy, I would love it. In the 2011 model, they have the competition package, which is even more rare and sweet, having fun driving it, and it should also appreciate value over time. that's the only M3 that ever came in a V8. That's amazing. All right.

Well, there you go. That is the podcast. I will tell you that car that I have is the most fun car I've ever driven in my life. And I can't believe how much I missed driving a manual transmission and how much I missed not having a fucking screen and cameras and all of that. It's just like, I don't even put the radio on. I just like I have such a good time it clears my fucking brain and my favorite thing was the other day

I got in your electric car and I went to start it up and my left foot went to the floor looking for a clutch to push in and I'm like oh Billy old school this is it's giving me an identity near I was sort of like you know floating around

you know popping hymns right and left I just lost myself this is the new me this is analog bill you like it i go to the gym i dress like rocky belboa but i still have an iphone with me you do nuke in my balls will you will you will you will be music like a song at the end of this podcast don't you play music at the end of your at the end of the thursday one what what song would you like i just wanted to request that song by beanie man Sim, Sima, who got the keys to my Bima?

Who am I? I'm going to say, I'm going to ask me the keys to me drunk. Sorry. I was enjoying it. I told me myself, I don't want nobody else to ever love me. I heard a song the other night, and I don't know who the guy's name is, but he had, he had all the songs. If you went into a club

Mm-hmm Mm-hmm Yeah, but da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-ha-ha-ha-ha-da-ha-ha-ha-da-ha-ha-da-ha-ha-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-chchda-da-da-da-chchda-old. I literally was just watching a video on Instagram I love how specific it is with the names. Well, well, I was watching a video where he explains where he explains where all those names came from. One of his wife's friends was like You need to use my name in one of your songs

Like jokingly so he put that in that I think you could use that song as a public service announcement And he just changed the lyrics Okay Go ahead I don't know what Well I don't When the light turns green

And you're in the left lane You gotta get out into the intersection Don't sit at the fucking stoplight You're fucking the two other guys That are fucking behind you Get out into the intersection. Get out into the intersection. Please stop.

I beg you. Please stop. I'm a comedian. It was funny. I didn't say I was a musician. This is how you talk to someone who's going to take you out. Have you talked about the fact that you've been going on these like a little sort of like rap runs where you just will start to break out into a rap? Have you talked about that?

Yeah, no, but it's just to make you laugh. Okay. I'm just saying, this is, you've been kind of improvving. I know, but it makes, and it makes you laugh. It does. It makes me love every time. We parked the car? What was the one that was?

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't remember them after I do them. Something about parking meters and airport greeters. No. Remember that? Yes. Yes. All right. I'm going to go get ready.

In what world? Are you in both of those? worlds would you need money for a meter and you have an airport greeter take off my gaiters smell my fetters put my nose in your peter um all right that's it everybody that's the podcast uh the monday morning podcast i hope you had a good time um the lovely nea surprise guest we're gonna go get some breakfast all right you guys uh yeah get off the internet just be nice to each other stop going on the internet right and mean shit most of you guys you're arguing wing with robots. They don't even exist and they're on there to fucking piss you off.

Yes, the whole internet is like your older brother flicking your ears. You're trying to eat fucking cereal. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday.