Monday Morning Podcast - Garage Doors, Rulers, The Future | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-22-26

Episode Date: January 23, 2026

Bill rambles about his garage door, the rulers, and the future. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (30:13) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 1-22-18 - Bill rambles about the Patriots, kids, and self preservation. (01:42:08) - Anything Better NFL Championship Preview  - Only three games left!  Bill and Paul go into Championship weekend having gone 3-4 a piece during the divisional games.  

Hey, what's going on? It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Ooh, what's going on? How's your week going? How are you doing? Are you starting fights with everybody in the fucking world like this country seems to be doing?

Why are we doing this? I don't watch the news anymore. That's all I'm hearing. All of Europe wants to fight us now. Is that true? We're trying to say Greenland? For what? For what?

What does he want to put a golf course up there? You want to go get the oil? Is Greenland a threat to us? What are they doing now? It's unreal. It's unreal. I can't tell you this. Having traveled the world, one of the moves that a leader likes to do when they don't know what they're doing is just constantly be starting fires.

That way, all the people are just watching the fire trucks go down the street and they're looking at the fire and they never look at him. That's what's going on. That's what I think's going on. Or it's a narcissist dealing with, you know, they're at the end of the road. And the one thing a narcissist can't deal with is their own mortality, which has got to be infuriating for them. So it's just like, well, you know, if I'm going to pass on, you know, I'm fucking taking everybody with me. These people are going to remember me. It's unreal.

It's really ironic that all of the people that are really. you know, that started this whole fucking alligator alcatraz thing. They're literally the people that should be in it. You know, the people that want to take Greenland, the people that are behind all of these false flags things. They're the ones that should be in it. That's not, you know, I don't know. But that's not how it works.

It's just they wearing the right color tie, then I fucking buy into what you're saying. As long as the ties the color of my team. insane. Insane. We have literally not had somebody that had the ability to give a speech as our leader in a way that wasn't embarrassing since fucking. It's almost been 10 years.

It's almost been 10 years. I don't understand it. I think the new, like, qualification to be president, Democrat or a Republican, is you in no way shape or form can have all your faculties. Anyway, we got to get somebody young. Republican or Democrat, we got to get somebody young in the White House, somebody that's actually going to have to deal with the ramifications of their decisions. That would be nice, but like, that's still, I mean, the reality is, is the corruption is just the robber barren shit that is going on right now.

And they got everybody looking at illegal immigrants while these assholes are just firing everybody and then taking the fired people's salary as their bonus at the end of the year. And giant conglomerates are buying up other giant conglomerates and somehow they're not considered a monopoly. It's just, it's really, it's, you know, it's a fascinating thing. Speaking of fascinating, I told you guys that I've been, you know, really working on myself and I hadn't lost my temper. I finally lost my temper. It finally happened. But, you know, it wasn't, you know, nuclear the way it used to be. It's just, I've been having a problem with my garage door. And I got my drums in there. And I have a show coming up where I got to play three songs. And for the life of me, I can't get anybody to fix this garage door. So it works for longer than two or three days. First, it was the coils, then it was the motor, then it was this, then it's that. And it just keeps coming down, hitting the ground, and then immediately going back up again.

I don't know what the fuck's going on. It's outside my area of expertise. And I finally had an afternoon off where I could go out and rehearse what I needed to rehearse. And doggone it, wouldn't you know it? So I lost my shit for about three seconds. then I stopped and was like, I don't want to do this. And I stopped. And then that's it. Someone will come over here. They'll fix it. I'll play good that night. I still have time. It's just frustrating. That's it. And then I move on. As opposed to the old me that would have put my foot through the fucking garage door and thrown a few things.

and I would be in the garage and they would have been able to hear me in the house. So I just don't want to do that shit anymore. But I'm not going to beat myself up. I mean, anger is also a valid emotion. However, it is not the only emotion nor is it the only option. So occasionally, I was kind of viewing anger like the way I viewed quitting drinking. Like, if I ever lost my temper again, that means I had a drink. I got to start over again.

but like I would think four attempts to fix a garage door and you have the pressure of a gig coming up and it doesn't work is probably a time where you're going to lose your cool a little bit. But like I said, it wasn't even 20 seconds. And as it was happening, I was like, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this. It wasn't able to spill over the sides.

Have half the street hear it. So I am happy about that. Anyway, so I am going to have setbacks as, you know, it's not an episode of Dr. Phil where it's just like, you need to stop yelling. Thank you, Philip. And then I'm done. It's going to be a work in progress.

So anyways, plowing ahead. My Boston Bruins dude had won seven of eight, had a great win in Chicago. everybody contributing, all four lines. Speaking of the fourth line, number 47 in your playbook, Mark Castellick had a great steel, went in alone, just picked the pocket of this defenseman, just took it right away from him, and then fought off the defenseman as he went in alone, faked out the goalie, and I believe backhand, top shelf.

Really nice goal. But then we went to Dallas last night, and that was an ugly game. But you have those. I don't know. I think Chicago and Dallas are two really fun cities. At least they have been for me. So I think if your team has like, you know, a Tuesday, Thursday or a Monday, Wednesday, or something like that, Sunday, Tuesday, Chicago, Dallas or Dallas, Chicago, you should probably bet against your team on the second game because chances are. I don't know if they went out after the Chicago game

or they just had a stinker root. But anyway, we ended up, we're down six to nothing at one point. We scored two late ones. Morgan Geeky got one, which is great. And Frazier Minton, so our third line got us two goals towards the end to make it a little bit respectable. But, you know, there's a lot of things to like on this team. that Marat Husnadinov

number 92, the left wing on the first line, who I had no idea how to pronounce his name until finally I just looked it up. So K-N-U-S, oh, K-H, sorry, K-H-U-S, I guess wherever he's from, the K is silent. So it's H-Nad-D-Nad-D-F, Marat-Hus-Nad-N-F. But he's having a

a career year playing on the same line of David Posternock. So that's been like really fun to watch. And, you know, there's a lot of guys on the team that are just solid grinders. You know what I mean? And who knows? If Giki gets going again, you know, because I think he was playing on the second line earlier this year. So now he's on the third line. I don't know.

Gave more ice time to some other guys. I have no fucking idea. All I know is I'm enjoying the hell out of watching them. They got the Vegas nights next. This is like the old days. If you listen to this podcast a long time ago, before I had kids, I used to fucking watch every game. It was easy. They come on at 4, 4.30, the East Coast game, 5 o'clock for the Midwest game.

The West Coast games were the only tough ones because I would have spots or whatever. So, but I've been having a fucking great time watching them. And because I've been watching sports, now my kids, that's all they do, is play sports. And what's even better is they play sports with each other when I'm not even out there. They play catch. They do the home run thing and all of that. And they're really into baseball. My son's really into football now, too. You know, he's got this Tom Brady jersey. Like, you put it in the hamper. He takes it out. He just wants to keep wearing it. And he pulls his socks up over his jeans. And then he takes, like, stickers. And he puts them underneath his eyes. So it's like the

black, you know, the ink, whatever the fuck you call that shit. that they put on. And he just dresses up the whole part. And then, like, he runs around the living room. And I play on my knees. And I just, I stiff-armed him, like, one time. And he immediately, he just picks shit up. Next thing he's stiff-arming me.

And I had to tell him, like, dude, not in the face. Not in the face. Just chest is okay, buddy. And, like, he loves it. And the other day, I was out, you know, like, it's the easiest way to spend time with you. kids is playing sports with them playing catch you can really like shoot the breeze and talk about anything and they're really kind of open to talk about stuff you know because they're distracted throwing

right and um so i was getting ready to pitch to my son and my daughter has has an iPad that she's only allowed to use on the weekends um and then we take it away and she can't have it five days a week but you know it is the future they got to know what the hell it is right and so she had it was the weekend and she had her iPad out there and she was playing walk-up music for when my son was coming up to bed and it was every bit as adorable as uh as it sounds so um that aspect of my life has been going great the home light is great my stand-up is great and uh but as far as as like, I don't know, these friggin' guys. And I just don't mean the people in the White House.

I mean the corporations, the way they dictate where our military goes and everything. It's just like out of control. And I don't understand how long people think that this country is going to behave like this before a bunch of people aren't going to gang up on us and tell us to settle the fuck down. Because we've been doing this for a while

and now it's just getting, like it's brazen behavior. I feel like we're acting like, you know that I always use this as a reference. You know that like the first guy, Steven Segal beats the shit out of in a movie? It's always like a nameless character. And they're always just like a dick,

just to be a dick. Like, hey, ponytail, nice fucking shirt. How about I come down there and fucking kick you right in the balls? Like, for no reason. No reason. The guy just comes in. in there and some guy just has to start because they have to they have to like it's so funny like we don't

know that stephen segal is going to beat the shit out of everybody in the way they just have to show to establish his character um i feel like we're behaving like that at this point with this asinine greenland shit um yeah it's the whole thing is it's just the whole thing is just bizarre Gulf of Mexico is now called Gulf of America like this whole like I don't know white people acting like they don't have power and need to take something back. I just, I really do not. As a white guy, I don't align with the put upon white person. Unless you're looking at the white people that are doing it to you, who are then blaming

non-white people. If you could just stop believing that lie and maybe look at the people telling you that you should, you should be upset with, maybe you could maybe enlighten yourself and actually figure out what's really going on. or as much as you can because I'm not going to sit here and act like I know what's going on. I do know that, you know,

I do know that when somebody's taken more than they should, they always got to point fingers at everybody else. So that's their deal. They get your watch in the fire engine going down the street as they go light another fire. So anyway, with that, with that, college football season is now over. and we only have two more weeks of football.

Like, I don't know how a professional football. I don't know how this happens every year. And I really just think it comes down to the fact that your team only plays one game a week. That's why it goes so goddamn fast. Like, just imagine if the fucking, whatever your baseball team, I'm a Red Sox fan, right? What if they played 17 regular games? You would watch every baseball game. They would all mean so much, unless they totally sucked.

If they lost four in a row, you'd be like, well, I guess this fucking season's over. But if they were in it, you'd watch every one of those. And then there was just, you know, four rounds of the playoffs, even if you include the wild card. And they were all just one game. So you got a grand total of like 21 games. I mean, I don't give a fuck what sport you're watching. You got time to watch 21 of them. But it'd go by like that.

I think that that's what it is. Beyond the fact that football is so much fun to watch, but like it just goes by so goddamn fast, what happened? When I think back to September, that seems like a long time ago. But when I think back to the beginning of the football season, it seems like yesterday.

We get it, Bill. The football season goes by a little too quick for you. Yeah, it does. It does. Which is why I want to introduce. you guys to motorcycle racing. BotoGP starts up in February right when the football stops. There's one race a week, not even every week. There are only 20-something laps. If you want to watch people riding motorcycles at over 200 miles an hour passing each other before they slam on the

brakes and try to go over and under each other and the fucking turns, that is the sports for you. you'll be surprised how quickly you get into it. I mean, personally, that's what I'm getting ready for. I'd like to go to a race this year somewhere. I don't know. I'm setting up this tour this year to have a good time. I don't know. If I'm still allowed to go to Europe,

after this guy who's never had a fight in his life is trying to start a war with everybody that fucking even looks at him, I don't know. I just, I don't pretend to understand things at that level, but I don't get how this is good for this country. And I have such an awful feeling that this is all being done on purpose and that they are literally, you know, after going around the world and trying to destabilize as many countries as we possibly could so we could take advantage of them, I now feel like they're going to do that to this country. And that's what is happening. Because if you look at these, these questions, corporate people. After they stomp out all competition and they have a monopoly, they don't just

stop and say that we won. They start eating their own. They then go internal. And they start firing everybody in their own company. More, more, more, more, more. I think that that's, I think we just kind of reach the end.

There's nothing left to do other than to eat your own. Yeah, and just blaming powerless people as they do it. I don't know. I don't get it. It's fucking wild. But I'm not even watching the fucking news and just the shit people are telling me. I'm like, I don't know.

This is it. This is when I go into this thing where I think like, how is there a God that loves us that makes the kind of people that lead nations that do what they do? I'm not just talking about us. I'm talking about all around the fucking world. like these heartless, ruthless, fucking lunatic people. It's really what the job attracts. I'm trying to think if there's actually a decent human being

that is the leader of a country. If there is, you don't last long. It doesn't, being a nice, empathetic person running a country, I just don't feel like that is a recipe. That is a recipe to lose an election or get whacked or have a military coup. They're just like, look at him. He cares about the regular Joe.

He's a weak bastard. Let's fucking move on him. I was watching this nature show the other night. Nature! With my kids trying to get him to chill before they went to bed. So it was about these penguins and they had all these amazing shots

down in Antarctica. And there's this fucking lunatic. He's down there by him. I guess he's with his camera crew too. And these penguins, they come to this ledge, and there's nowhere for them to go. And it seems like if they were to jump off it and try to hit the water, they would all die. And of course, the glacier starts to break. And I'm just looking at it thinking, like, the level of drama. Like, this feels like a Jason

Statham movie right now. Like, what am I watching? Like, I was on the edge of my seat. And at one point, the guy down there was talking about the penguins and they were on the edge, He goes, I've never seen anything like this. It's like, well, yeah, you're in fucking Antarctica. You're not supposed to see this. We're not even supposed to be there. Why are we there? Is there any place on the planet we could just leave alone?

What the fuck are you? Look at the... It's a bunch of penguins on the edge of the day. They'll figure it out. And they did. They jumped and they lived. It was this whole big... build up of stress for nothing. And my thing is, is they knew that the penguins lived.

They had the footage. They filmed the whole thing. But they didn't. They were like, this is an opportunity to inject some drama into this. So some 57-year-old bald ginger sitting on a couch won't turn the channel and we'll just sit here and watch this. And the whole time, you know, they had all the footage. They knew that. that none of them were going to die. And they had me on the edge of my seat riding this out with these penguins at the bottom of the fucking world.

I don't know. There's a big part of me that there's so much shit that you should never see unless you risk your life to go see it. Like I had no problem with that guy in Antarctica seeing that shit. All right? If you want to get on a fucking boat, I mean, you can't take a plane there, right? You got a charter or a plane. There's nobody.

There's nobody doing that. Wait a minute. Is that the place to buy land with global warming? When the other seven continents are just unlivable. I feel like the last place to go. Oh, my God. This is like Kevin Costner, reverse waterworld. Rather than water world, you all go down to Antarctica.

Now, is there grass underneath that, or is it just a giant? It's considered a continent, so there's got to be land under the, oh, my God. Maybe this is why I watch these shows. I got to look this shit up now. Okay. Is there land under the snow? Oh, go. In Antarctica, I'm not the only one who asked.

In October 2023, researchers revealed a picture. of a prehistoric drainage network of rivers and valleys beneath East Antarctica, a landscape bigger than Belgium that's buried out of sight by glacial ice for tens of millions of years. Okay. So that maybe that's the move. And I think one of these fucking bigwig corporations will annex, is that the word, Antarctica, they'll divvy it up amongst themselves.

and then they'll sell it to us, different parcels. And they'll say this is how you diversify your stock market portfolio is also own a little cottage down in Antarctica. The snow is melting. The grass is growing. These are crazy times. They'll somehow bring the Bible into it so that we won't look at ourselves and our hands in it.

And none of it, they're just, they're going to sell it to you. Do you remember when they were selling stars? You know, stars you look up in the air at night and you see twinkle, twinkle little star. They were actually, somebody had the balls. I shouldn't say they had the vision to be like, what if somehow, some way we pretended we had the legal naming rights to all the stars you see above. and we actually told

to the common man that if he gave us money we would send him a piece of paper and would name one of those stars after a loved one. Do you think there's, we know that there's sort of an infinite amount of stars. Is there an infinite amount of stupid people

that actually fucking are dumb enough to think that if they send us money and we send them a certificate of authenticity that centuries later whenever everybody's dead and gone, you see that star up there? That's Claire Johnson.

She lived from 1953. I'll give her a nice... Sorry, I didn't have it on airplane mode and somebody gave me a call there, you know. It was another one of them fucking spam-a-lot calls. Yeah, Claire Johnson, 1953 to 2047, you know, that's, I feel like they're going to do the same thing. And then everybody, like the boat you're supposed to get on never shows up.

Or they just take you out to see and they just whack you. You know, you're sitting there. It's like Noah's Ark, but only with people. And then they have a lottery of like, who's going to be able to live down in Antarctica, you know, which causes division amongst all of us, right? It's like boarding Delta Airlines, right? It always comes down to that. It's all the same shit, the same level of like separation and getting people to fight

like amongst themselves. And then in the end, once they've, once the people that think they're making it have signed off on everybody else being left behind or being whacked, they then, you know, then separate that group again. They just keep separate. And then basically the only thing that, the only group of regular people that makes it to Antarctica are the ones who are immediately going to be enslaved by the people that helped steer us on this path towards global warming. That's how it goes down.

And then they say, what we're going to do is we're going to stay down here on Antarctica. And we're going to, for the first time ever, we are going to live like the Native Americans did. Remember those people that actually knew how to live, one with the environment, the ones that we killed? Yeah, we're going to co-opt what they did, act like we came up with it, name a lot of it after ourselves, while the planet heals itself. And then I don't know where it goes from there. Either it starts all over again. Or some William Wallace type of guy rises up.

Can you imagine if this has actually been happening? Like this is the natural progression of the planet. And every, like, I don't know how long human beings have been on the planet. Let's just say a million years. I don't fucking know. I don't listen to that. Tyson Fury. What's his name? Mike Tyson Fury? The scientist, Tyson. He's like the Dr. Phil of scientists. He's always on stuff talking to dumb people like me. And we're all like,

boy, oh boy, is this guy smart? Is he smart? Or is he just always talk to people dumber than he is? When exactly is he a son? How do you are famous scientist? You haven't invented anything? Anyway, like every million years, like this is what we start in the caves and then we get all the way to like fucking AI virtual reality and then the whole place burns down and a handful of us make it to Antarctica. We ride it out and, you know, we just run out of fucking natural resources and shit. We just become primitive again. And then we all take off to different parts of the world and we're separate from one another for a little. long time, which creates different races

of people, and it just starts all over again. It starts all over again. And each generation or each, like, version of it, has their own Buddhas, Allahs, Jesus, Muhammad, and all of that. Just start, and just different names each time. I don't know, Bill, or maybe this is the one and only shot we got. We're going to fuck it. Hey, you know, it could be that. It could be that.

All right. That is the podcast, everybody. Little sci-fi mixed in with your Bruins talk, mixed in with a little current affairs. How about that? How about that? You know, a lot of people need to bring a guest on so the guests can help draw out the stupidity of the host. But not this podcast. Oh, Billy can do it all by himself.

These stupidity just effortlessly flows. All right. That is the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Sorry, you're on there. And we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast from a Thursday in the past. And I hope you enjoy it.

That's it. All right. I'll see you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. And it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, January 22nd, 2018. What's going on? How are you?

How are you? How's it going? How's it going? All right. All right. Let's just get right down to it. The New England Patriots are going to the Super Bowl again. Super Bowl.

Unfucking believable. How many times can they win games like that? It's incredible. I thought the officiating was great. Everything was great. Fantastic. I liked how it all washed out. I really enjoyed that referee laughing his ass off after we scored a touchdown.

That was tremendous. I love everybody who saw that ref crack it up laughing, which you are not supposed to do, by the way, as a referee. And that guy will definitely get disciplined because what happens is every mouth breathing more and goes, look, the game's fixed. He's laughing because they just, you know, like, which I understand. That is the knee-jerk reaction. But think about what you're saying.

All right. just say for the sake of argument that referee was was on the take all right which you know god knows i always said that about the NBA and then they caught that fucking guy and everybody said i was nuts all right put yourself in that guy's position all right judge it by his age you probably i'm going to assume he had a wife and kids he's got a mortgage he's got a house and he's risking all of that and his freedom freedom to fix an NFL game put yourself in that position. Are you going to be laughing when the team scores?

Or are you going to be fucking stone-faced? Are you really going to be sitting there going? Yeah, guys, just like we fucking said. You know? So I'm hoping the NFL films will come out just to hear what whatever Patriots said that made him laugh because he's going to get in trouble for that because that opened this floodgate. Everybody was just saying like, look at all the penalties on this side.

I still. I still don't like the tickey tack pass interference stuff. However, having said all of that, you know, I think the Jaguars defense was a little overrated. Everybody kept talking about how fucking great their defense was and completely ignored that the week before they gave up 42 fucking points to the Steelers in the playoffs when it counted. Everyone just kept talking about how great their fucking defense. The defense is that the only reason why nobody really fucking brought that up was because they fucking, their offense scored 45 points. So I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck to tell you about that great Jaguar defense. They also played in a weak division. They beat the Colts twice. That's why I don't, this is my deal. Okay. I'm not saying they don't have. a, they actually do have a great defense, but they're young. And they do dumb things like take stupid penalties right before the half when the home team

whose favorite has only scored three points. That fucking helmet to helmet hit, by the way, stupid fucking penalty, big chunk of yards. And then you take a fucking bonehead pass interference call on the next play. And you basically give the Patriots a touchdown. You give them fucking hope. And then also your great defense gives up two touchdowns in the final fucking six minutes. So I don't know what to tell you. There was a brutal hold call on the final important offensive play of the game.

I will give you that. But, okay, let's say they call holding there. We're going to run at the next play. You guys are going to burn your last time out. We're going to kick the ball. You're going to be down on the 10 fucking yard line. And you're telling me with the minute and change, Blake Bortles is going to run the length of the fuck. I mean, it could happen.

It could fucking happen. but I don't know. I don't know. But anyways, that's why I don't give a shit about, you know, regular season stats. You know? I mean, okay, here's a thing, pumping up the fucking Jaguars defense, regular season. They beat the Colts without Andrew Luck, 27-0. They beat the Browns and only gave up seven fucking points.

They beat the Colts again 30 to fucking 10. They beat the Texans, 45 to 7. These are all fucking teams that you're not going to see in January. All right? But if you go through their fucking season, they played the Titans twice, a playoff team. They lost to them both times. Let up 37 fucking points and had a close game at the end of the year. They played the Rams that were a playoff team.

They lost to them. The only playoff team that I'm looking here real quick that they beat was the Pittsburgh Steelers. beat him 30 to 9. And then they met him in the playoffs. And they led up 42 fucking points. So, I don't know. I mean, how much more advantage could their defense have?

I mean, Edelman wasn't in the game, our number one receiver. Our next number one option was Rob Grankowski, and you knocked him out, you know, on a helmet-to-helmet hit that if a Patriot did it, it would have been viewed as like you killed Christ or something. But whatever, it was a great game. game. Jaguars should have won the game. I just thought they were too young and didn't know how to win the game. Didn't know how to put the Patriots away. And I don't know. And Tom Brady's Tom Brady. Not to mention Tom Brady also had like, I don't know what the fuck happened.

Guy cut his fucking hand. We have an almost 41 year old quarterback with the with the fucking stitches in his throwing hand. Edelman is out and you knock out Grankowski. And I don't want to hear, well, Grancowski wasn't doing shit. Rankowski does something on every play. He draws double coverage, and you didn't have to fucking deal with that anymore. So I don't know what the fuck to tell you. I do feel bad for Jaguar fans because, you know, that's a

fucking football city that nobody seems to give a shit about. You know what I mean? I like the Jackson. You know what? I've actually come around on those helmets, too. So it was a great fucking game. The Patriots are limping into the Super Bowl and should be underdogs, but won't be. Because every

mouth-breathing moron who doesn't know shit about football, we'll put money on the Patriots for somehow we will be a, I mean, the Eagles just look like fucking world beaters. They have an amazing defense. They have two fucking beasts. They have proles and fucking Malcolm Blunt. I mean, I don't know why the fuck we ever got rid of him. I'm sure there was a reason for it.

But, yeah, I mean, the Eagles should be favorites. But they won't be just historically because they've never fucking won it. and we've won a lot. So then if we lose, it's going to be like an unbelievable upset. What does it say about Brady's legacy? We shall see. We shall see. And I feel bad for New England fans.

They're going to go to that game with the behavior of Eagles fans and all of that shit. And, you know, I saw some of the footage. Some of the shit was funny. But, like, I don't know. Philly fans, you know what they act like? Do you remember when you didn't know how to talk to women So you just fucking went out and did crazy shit every weekend Hoping that the women would then hear the story

And be like, oh, that's the guy I want to go out with I just don't get it, man I just don't, you know, fucking Vikings fans Oh, hey, how are you? How are you doing? Like the fucking nice Midwest people, you're throwing full beers at them. I don't know.

But on the other side, it's just like, you know that's what you're going to get. Why the fuck would you wear your Vikings gear to the goddamn game? But that's really getting played out, showing that type of shit. And they did the classic thing, too. You know, it's funny with every NFL city, they have like the story. Like whenever there's a game in Boston, they have to play that stupid fucking departed music. I'm shipping up to Boston and I lost me leg and then they're going to show Paul Revere and all this freedom trail shit

that nobody gives a fuck about who lives in Boston. I walk by that fucking statue a million times. I never look at it. And I don't eat clamped shower. Anytime Philly plays in a major sporting event, at some point some fucking douche is going to try to teach you how to order a Philly cheese steak.

It's like, like we got it. Give me a whiz wit. Give me one whit out. Don't say Philly cheese steak. You're in Philly. You could literally walk up there to any fucking cheese steak place in Philadelphia and be like, I would like a cheese steak with onions and peppers and provolone cheese.

And you're going to get it. Because at the end of the day, they're a fucking business and they need your money. they always do that they show the fucking rocky statue and then they bring up the fact that they threw fucking batteries at santa claus as if that is the only fucking thing that has ever happened in philadelphia why don't they ever reenact ben franklin flying that fucking stupid kite with the key on it right why don't they bring up the 83 philadelphia 76 is the most underrated fucking championship team of all time, who I've said forever that I would put up against the 96 Bulls.

Okay? I would take Dr. Jay and fucking Andrew Tony to fucking knock down a lot of what Jordan and fucking, what's his face are going to do? Scotty Pippen. And then underneath, you got fucking Moses Malone one-on-one against Luke Longley. I'm not saying they would have won. I'm saying, you know, be a hell of a fucking series. Anyways, congratulations to the, to the fucking Eagles.

What a game. Good Lord. That was, they gave them the Vikings, the old right there, Fred. I bet there was a lot of Vikings fans wishing that they just fucking lost to the Saints. After that beat down, they took them right across their fucking lap, spank their fanny. Is it weird that, I mean, as much. as I love the Vikings, I kind of was rooting for the Eagles. Just because Case Keenham, I just can't get past that name.

Case Keenum, it just makes me feel so fucking old. Somebody named the kid Case. Couldn't just name Robert? Sorry, I'm being a cunt. So anyways, if you are a Patriots fan, yeah, just know that, you know, it's going to be a terrible fan experience because nobody does anything about that level of fucking ridiculous behavior. And I think at this point, they get so much fucking hype out of how bad they

behaved. They're like trying to outdo one another. Like, you remember a few years ago there was like some off-duty cop went to like a Phillies game and this guy was swearing and shit behind him and he goes, hey, take it easy. I got my kid here. And the guy put his fingers down his throat and threw up on the guy's kid. I mean, at that point, it's just like, he just doing that just to do it, right? I don't know. So anyway, so now we're going to have to sit through fucking two goddamn weeks of them talking about fucking throwing batteries at Santa Claus and showing the fucking Paul Revere statue and I'm shipping up to Boston and I lost me

leg. I don't know. I think the Eagles are an overwhelming favorite. If people knew how to gamble on football, I would think. But that's not how it works. But I think it's definitely it's the Eagles game to fucking lose. I might be crazy, but that's definitely what I think. All right. So there you go.

There's my football talk. Condolences to the fucking Jaguars and Vikings fans. Hey, you know what I'm actually excited to watch is that thing where they have on Thursday on CBS about the NFL players. Like who's like the most, who's like basically whatever your hobby is. They got guys in the NFL playing drums, guitar, cooking and shit. I actually want to watch that because I want to see how good the football player drummers are. How stupid is that, right?

Oh, whatever. You got a thousand fucking channels. You got to find something to watch, right? Anyways. Did you guys see that fucking, the fuck is that that that one year anniversary? I forgot. Remember that lady when Trump got in who was just screaming, no? I don't understand that type of protest to do something like that.

Because I think a lot of people were thinking that. But to literally do what that woman did makes anybody who doesn't like Trump look like a fucking lunatic. You know? There's so much just weird shit like that. Like I saw last night, the SAG Awards had all women presenters. I just fucking, for the fucking life of me. Who comes up with this shit? All of it just seems like self-preservation to me,

and none of it seems like you're actually going to work on the problem. Like, that's all the SAG Awards have to fucking do, is just to have all female presenters and be like, yeah, see that? They're all good people over there. They get it. It's a show of solidarity. It's a show of strength. I don't know.

I think it's a pretty weak fucking effort. You know, we're going to. to wear all black tuxedos. We're going to wear, we're going to have all female presenters. There we go. We've been vetted. I hate that word, by the way. Yeah, that's just the whole fucking thing. It's just, I mean, who is pro-sexual harassment? Why would you need to go that much out of your way to do something as silly as that, which in a lot of ways is kind of reverse sexist? Isn't it? I don't know. Here's one fucking thing about this. This, this, the only business I know about it is this business that I'm in.

This business is fucking brutal. And it routinely picks people up and slams them against the pavement emotionally every fucking day, regardless of what's between your legs. I don't, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. I just look at it. I'm like, well, if they just decided they were going to have all male presenters, that would be considered the most sexist thing ever. And then on the other side, if you want all this fucking, all these.

creeps. Well, let's be specific. Only the male creeps in Hollywood. If you want all of them out, I don't know that that's the fucking way to do it. If that's an effective way to do it. Everywhere, buddy wears the same colored shirt and you have all women presenters.

You know, I don't have a degree in fighting crime, whatever that degree is. But I don't think same colored shirts is going to do it. We have to stop ISIS. Okay. Everybody wear blue shirts on Tuesday. He's not wearing a blue shirt. Does that mean he's in ISIS?

It's not what it is, Bill. It's symbolism. It's a sign of strength. Oh, Jesus. All right. Maybe that is what it is. I have no fucking idea. This is why I watch sports.

I watch fucking sports. So once again, New England Patriots, they're in their 10th fucking Super Bowl. They have a chance to win their sixth Super Bowl. Literally what Tom Brady, Belichick and these guys are doing. As much as you guys fucking hate them and every fucking time we win a game, there's some giant goddamn conspiracy because nobody will give it up that they're a fucking great team.

What they've done at this point has transcended the game of football. All right, you got to put them up there with like the fucking, I would say the Yankees from DiMaggio to Mickey Mantle, that run there with the amount of World Series that they went to, the amount that they won. The Canadians back in the day, the Celtics in the 60s. I mean, that's literally what you're watching. And for them to be doing it now, you know, the reason why that never happens anymore is because now there's like 30 fucking teams. in basically every sport. It's just too difficult to do, and somehow they are doing it.

So as much as you hate them, can you at least give it up on that? Are you just going to, I don't know, we're going to start weighing footballs again and fucking, I don't know, I don't know. All right. Speaking of the Canadians, hey, how are you guys doing up there in Montreal? You watch any Bruins Canadians games lately? We've been them three times in the last eight days. And the only reason why I know that is because Joe Barclay.

Bartnick from the great puck-off podcast told me I've been so goddamn busy. I only watched the first period of one of the games. I've missed so much Bruins hockey. And I know they're playing great and they're on this amazing streak. And pretty excited that they beat the Canadians three times in the last eight games. I know I have all the games taped. So I'm going to have to watch them in like one period segments now because I got the kiddo at home. But I haven't said that.

Everybody knows the regular season doesn't mean shit. You know, and regular, I'm telling you, regular season stats, just go back to somebody's schedule and look at what they did against playoff teams. And even then, I think in football, it gives you a little bit more of a gauge. But like in basketball, baseball, and hockey, I don't think it means shit because on any given night, they play so many games, any team can beat another team. But winning in the playoffs and winning four out of seven is it's a whole different ballgame. So I just wish more announcers would do that shit.

You know what I mean? Look at the division. Like even look like, look at the Patriots for how many years we've gotten all these double-digit wins? The fucking AFC East has been so goddamn weak, so many years. So many years like the Jets, who by the way beat the Jaguas in the regular season. The Jets fucking suck. The dolphins have sucked and the bills have sucked. So many of those years.

or at least mediocre. And that has given us five to six wins every fucking year. Anyway, all right, I'm done. I'm done with the goddamn sports. Let's talk about, it was my daughter. It was my daughter's first birthday this past weekend. I can't believe it. She's already won.

She's no longer a baby. She's a toddler, which is pretty amazing. And I've got to be honest with you, it's a little sad. you know what I mean? She's now motoring around the house. And I don't know. It's already going by way too fast. And so anyways, it was her birthday, right?

So I decided, you know, every year for her birthday as a dad, I'm going to make her a homemade cake. And I did it. And we had like, you invited all of these people. Like, it's weird. Like, all of our friends, a bunch of our friends, I should say, had kids in, like, the last year, like the last three years. So we had 16 little kids over here, plus their parents, and a few of them brought friends. Like, we had like a, we had a house party, but it was just kids. It was awesome. The kids were, it was amazing, man. It just blew my mind because I was sitting

out. There was like 30 people in my house at least. And I remember standing there thinking, like, wow, like literally like a year and a half ago, this would have been a bunch of guys sitting here smoking cigars out on the back porch, drinking booze. And now I got all these kids running around, all of this stuff. And I got to tell you, after watching all the kids, I'm kind of psyched I had a daughter. Dude, little girls are amazing. They're like little adults. They just, they sit there. They're emotionally stable.

the little boys they're fucking lunatics they're running all over the place I got this this fountain out in my front yard and I know that that sounds wow Bill wow you got a fountain in your front yard you know what I would say about our fountain

go back and watch that Fred Armisen sketch on SNL when he does the thing marble columns when they were talking about putting marble columns on the front of split entry houses I hate this fucking fountain. I've never liked it. It's just a giant.

It's like a fucking, it's just a giant place for mosquitoes to fucking and give us West Nile virus. You know what I mean? But they give you, then you've got to buy these little fucking donuts of poison that you throw in there. And then a bird comes by and drinks out of it. And then the bird dies. So I never have any water in that.

So these boys run out there. They're climbing up on the fucking thing. I'm having a panic attack that one of them's going to fall down. You get him off of that. Then they're throwing rocks down into the driveway, hitting the cars. I couldn't get, you know, they're a little kids. So, I mean, I didn't get upset. But I was just like, wow, man, this is, uh, having a girl is a lot easy on the parenting thing.

I mean, they sit down. They're like, chill. They're thinking, you know? The boys are just like hilarious. I don't know. If you turn your back, one of them is going to be. I got an idea. What if I jump through the screen door?

So, I don't know. It made me feel lucky again. So everybody gathers around to sing happy birthday. And I got this cake that I made. And I've never made a cake before. And I didn't try it out. I didn't want to test a slice and have a giant slice taken out. So I was basically, got to.

I'm going to have 30 people all taste the cake in front of me, and I was waiting for this. This tastes like, shit, the cake's too dry or whatever. But fortunately, everybody seemed to like the cake. And after that, the whole party was downhill. That was like the big thing. I was just like, I just have to get past. I've got to get on the other side of the cake here. People eat the cake and they actually like it.

God knows if my wife didn't like it, she would have let me know. You know? Well, in fact, she did try the frosting the night before, and she's, let me know that she thought it could have been a little more chocolate. It just tastes sweet. I just wish there was more cocoa in it. You know what I mean? And I just went like, yeah, and then had like a full on fucking panic attack. You know? It's like, why would you tell me that? You know I'm stressing about this shit? I don't know. That's what they do. That's what they do. What would they be doing if they weren't fucking criticizing us? Why can't there be an award show about that? Will they protest the

lack of compliments a man gets the second he marries a woman I don't give a shit if my wife cooked a shoe how does it taste bill oh it's delicious can I have more of the laces it's almost like pasta except there's shoelaces you know put on a fucking brave face

do you many times I've made something okay I've made my wife dinner and she's bitten the first bite she bites into she goes mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm and then she runs over and grab some salt or something like that or just like, if I ever

fucking, a few times I've ever done that. I did it for, I think for the first time since I can ever remember, I did it this year. And it was just one of those nights. It was late night. And she was tired and she just went to the fridge and she usually can look in there and figure something out.

And this time she just didn't and threw it together and it wasn't good. And she was like, how is it? I didn't say anything. I just kind of gave her a look like, and then she made, she was just like, you don't like it? You think it's bad? And then immediately I'd be like, no, no, no, no, it's good.

It's good. It's just, you know, you've made better. You know, and then you just falling down the fucking hole. You're like, why did I? Why was I honest? She does it to me all the fucking time. I thought this was a little dry. It's like I feel like I'm on the iron chef whenever I put something on the fucking table.

I mean, I'm literally talking like oatmeal. Like if I put too much milk in there, she'd be like, it's too soupy. It's too soupy. And I want to be like, you know what? If it wasn't as hot as it is, if oatmeal wasn't as hot as it is, I would literally dump that over your fucking head. All right. What are you? Like a food critic?

This is actually making me upset. I'm kind of a fucking person. Another person makes them a meal and all you do is criticize it. How about you at least go, hey, I really appreciate it. You took the time out to make me a meal. That's one of the most kindest loving things that one human being can do for another being. Having said that, I like a little bit less milk.

There's no way to criticize it without coming off like a jerk. Just in the future, just to let you know, I like a little less milk. By the way, making a homemade cake, not that hard. It's not that hard. Don't be intimidated. It's easy. Making a pie, the pie crust, that's a fucking art. cake, not that fucking hard.

I made a three-layer cake, and what's going to happen is each layer is going to be a little fucking, little, I know, it was really hard to try to make them level. I don't know how to do that yet. I'm sure there's something I can watch on YouTube, but when you go to make it, if, you know, each layer cake, you know, if one's leaning to the left, the other's leaning to the right, you just spin them around, you put it together like Legos, and know that you're going to have frosting in the middle where you can kind of level it. out and no one's going to notice.

My cake had a little lean to it. Nothing crazy. Probably the hardest thing is frosting the cake. I started to watch videos on that, but it was just too, I don't know, it was just too fucking boring. And there was all this playoff football on. I wanted to watch that. So I probably could have done a better job with that.

I don't know. I'll ask my wife, God knows she'll fucking tell me, right? But enough with me complaining about her complaining, right? I should be secure enough. My own baking skills. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

No, no. You did this one wrong. You know, I was trying to, because I didn't have a lot of shit to talk about this week, other than just being completely blown away that my daughter's already a year old. I can't believe it. And I got her up this morning, you know, and I just couldn't believe how big she was. And I was already thinking, like, she used to be able to fit, like, her head would go from my elbow. not even to the tips of my fingers.

Like I could just hold her just like that. Now she's just, she's huge. What happened? You know? There's nothing. I can now see why people have a bunch of kids because you keep on a hit reset. There's nothing better than having a baby around your house.

It's the greatest, it's like a puppy times a million. But what is cool is she's starting to talk. So I'm waiting for the conversations because some of the kids, my God, they were hilarious. There was this little boy, right? And he was talking to this. They wanted to see like outside my house like along the side. So I go, all right, I'll take you over there. Just be careful because, you know, there's all these concrete steps and shit.

I don't want somebody falling down. So he points to the side of the house. He goes, what's this? And I go, oh, that's the back of the chimney. And, you know, he was a little kid. He goes, what's that? And then the little girl answers. And she goes, that's where Santa Claus comes down.

And the smoke goes up when you have a fire. Then I think the little kid liked the girl. And he goes, he says to me, he goes, does she live here? And I started to answer. And the girl once again answered the question. She goes, no. She goes, I live out in the desert. And the boy goes, in the sand?

she goes, no. What the heck? Kid was bombing. I was pulling for him. I was like, say something funny, make a laugh. Whatever. I just liked that he was working on his game at like four years of age. Which reminded me when I was a little kid, I liked this girl who lived in my neighborhood.

So I just went over a house. Not even invited. I just went over a house. house knocked on the door. I think her name was Michelle. I knocked in the door and her mom answers. I was like, yeah, hey, is Michelle home? She goes, yeah, she's in there watching TV. And I go, okay. So I went in there and I sat down and watched TV with her, her mother, and I think her younger sibling. And I never said a word for like an hour. I just sat there watching TV because I didn't know, I didn't know what to do. And then I just got up and left.

left. I always wondered what that woman was thinking. Like, this little red-headed boy came over to visit my, our daughter today. Honey, he came in. He didn't say a word. Then he left. He's an odd little fellow. Anyways, all right, let me read a little bit of advertising here for this week. All right, Dollish Shave Club, dude. I remember there was another girl I had a crush on. There was these two twins when I was in first grade. And I had a crush. on one of them. And the other one had this giant pen, which I thought was the coolest thing ever, even though it was pink. It was just a giant pen, which was amazing in the early 70s. Like,

there was no fucking computers and shit. I guess they were, but computers were gigantic. So she dropped it on the floor and she didn't realize it and I took it. And then I started writing with it. What's funny was the way they had the desk set up, they had like us in like little, groups of four and we faced each other. And she was diagonal to me. And I'm writing with this giant pink pen. And she's going, that's my pen. And I was like, no, it isn't.

It's my. So she's like an idiot. Then she tells the teacher. And then she's going, Billy, is that your pen? And I was like, yes. And then the girl's going, no, it was my pen. And I was going, no, it isn't. It's my pen.

And then the teacher's just like, I don't think your mom would buy you a pink pen. And she took it and gave it back to the girl. And, you know, as a little kid, like, the embarrassment of that goes away, like, eight seconds later. You can't even remember, like, you don't have, like, the mental capacity. Like, did I just really try to pull that off? You know, why the fuck would I do that, right? So then I remember I went out, asked, and I had to go to the bathroom.

So I went out to the bathroom. And her twin sister, the one I had to crush on. Oh, this was like the next day. I went out to go to the bathroom. and her twin sister, who I had a crush on, came walking out at the same time. And when she saw me, she immediately put her eyebrows down. She goes, I heard what you did. I heard you try to steal my sister's pen.

And I just looked at it. I think I said, no, I didn't. And I just walked away. And that was the end of that romance. Oh, there's a lot of sad stories. All right. You know what's amazing, by the way? It's evidently the government shut down and everything still seems

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I just listened to you and Jim Florentcunt slash Florentine, he said, and Florentine said he didn't see a difference with comedians in New York City. I find it hard to imagine that L.A. Oh, God, this guy, I find it hard to imagine. I'm just going to read exactly what I wrote. I find it hard to imagine that L.A. There are a lot less cunts in the audience that get offended too easily. You then agreed with Jim that maybe it's because you now live there and are used to it.

But the way you said it didn't seem believable. So what's the deal? All right. Like there wasn't one capital letter, no punctuation whatsoever, a couple of periods maybe. I'm not required to tell you why I fucking moved out here. But I will to eat up some time. I was living in New York. I was just sick of being there.

it just gets a point where, you know, you get to be too old and you're like, I can't live like an animal anymore, which means you're either going to move outside the city or in my business, you're going to go to L.A. And I had nothing going on in my career other than the Opie and Anthony show. But the writing was on the wall with that show where, you know, those guys, like they had a bunch of comics on, and I was one of them. Jim Norton got us all in. And, you know, there was no money in the budget to pay us. But the way that they paid us, Opie and Anthony show, because they're the salt of the fucking earth,

they used to run advertisements of our gigs. And then our gigs would sell out and it was great. But then the corporate cunts there said that they couldn't do it anymore. You know, so then you kind of had to hype your, your show during the show, which would get in the way of, you know, whatever craziness was going on. So that's kind of where my career was at. I was on a radio show and I wasn't getting paid. I wasn't getting any acting work. And the only way I was getting paid on the Opin Anthony show, they no longer'd let them do for whatever reason, which is really short-sighted on Sirius XM's side,

because Opie and Anthony were this launching pad for stand-up careers. And they were making like, they made us become like these draws. And then that would then feed back into the show. Because then these people were selling all these tickets were like, hey, I'm going to be in the Open Anthony show. So it, you know, you know what it was? It totally fucking worked. It was the perfect fucking relationship for about three years.

And then like what always happens, is the money people come in and they fuck the whole thing up. So, I mean, that's not the only reason I was leaving. But that's basically, that was as high up as I got in New York. I was on a radio show not getting paid. That's the best I could do. I had already done an episode of Law and Order. So, you know, and I couldn't get on the Sopranos because that was a bunch of Italians.

and I look like fucking Billy Redface over here. So there was like no opportunity left for me. And I was going down to the comedy cellar like every single night. And it was like Groundhog Day. And I just, you know, and I went out to L.A. And I hated L.A. And I just came out here. And I started, each time I went out, I was starting to like it.

And I was fighting that feeling. And I don't know. I just said, fuck it one day. It's like, you know what? I wouldn't mind living in an apartment, paying a ton of money, but I could actually have like a couch that also wasn't my bed. I wouldn't mind having a car. I moved out here. I had this apartment.

It was still a one bedroom, but I had front and back stairs. The backstairs I did share with my neighbor. But still, that was amazing to me. And I had a garage where I could park my car. And even though the traffic was fucking horrific, just the fact that I could live a little more like a human being again, was appealing. And then there was a ton of acting work out here that I could potentially get.

And I moved out here. And within the first year, I got on Breaking Bad. So that's why I came out here. But I do have to tell you that I thought when I came out here that the comedy scene was horrific. So what I was trying to say on the podcast is when I go back to New York now, it's just like, it's just, I think it's just changed. But because I'm not there every day, I notice the change.

And out here last night, you know, I was telling a couple of jokes and there was silence. So maybe that's what it was. I don't know why you took it so personally. But that is a big fucking thing, the whole East Coast, West Coast thing. I do, however, I'm one of those weird people. that I do love both coasts, but, you know, I don't know. I'm kind of out here right now. I used to think, like, I'll always move back, but now I don't know that I will.

Who knows? I don't fucking know. I have no idea. I was kind of thinking with global warming. Eventually, I was going to have to move back there, but now it seems like it's going to be all crazy weather. So the fact that it was hot out here, now it's going to be extremely hot. And the fact that it was cold back there, now it's going to be extremely fucking cold. and I don't know.

I did like 40-something winners back east. Okay, I put my time in. All right. I'd rather shove a lot of a mudslide than the snow. So there you go. All right. All right, Bill. My problems with women.

This is funny. He wrote, my problems with woman. My problems with woman. Dear Billsbury doughboy. Oh, I love that one. All right. I'm a huge fan from, I don't even know how to say this. F-E-R-M-A-N-A-G-H. Fur-Man, Nah.

N-G-I-D-I-N-I-G-I-L-E-Land. I'm 17 years old and have always been a fat cunt. Well, that's good, man. You're looking at yourself honestly. Now, what can we do about this? Recently, I lost the weight and started getting into the gym. There you go. I'm now 6'1 and 200 pounds, so naturally have started getting more female attention. All right, this is all good. I was never been successful with women, but now I'm turning this franchise around.

There you go. Well, dude, you're only 17. You're just getting out of the gate here. My only problem is I'm a quiet guy and don't know how to talk to them. They seem to just want to talk about bullshit or gossip and meaningless crap. Oh, God. dude you can't be this cynical at 17 you sound like me right now and i'm going to be 50 um i try and be funny and make them laugh which can only get me so far i can't maintain a

relationship because they open their mouths and i contemplate suicide jesus you sound like a writer you creative or something or you think too much uh i consider myself as straightforward, no BS kind of guy, but I'm just a wanker. Is this a problem with me or them? I don't hate women. I just don't get along with them. If possible, I would love to hear what Nia has to say. Oh, she wouldn't like how you worded all of this.

Thanks, Bill and go fuck yourself. P.S., if you're getting into soccer, I suggest you support either Tottenham or Liverpool as they have young, exciting teams and aren't soulless corporate entities like Chelsea or Man City. Oh, I didn't know that. All right. I'll support Liverpool then. That's where the Beatles are from, right? I don't fucking know.

Well, anyways. All right. What's your problem? I don't know. I think you're a little defensive. I think you're a little insecure, so you're kind of projecting on them. I know that that's what I did.

So I would say, open yourself up a little bit more. And, you know, realize how amazing they are. but women are just like men the good one is hard to find good woman hard to find so you're only 17 dude and I think also trying to make them laugh is always a good thing

and what I've learned is a lot of times they just want you to listen and they don't want you to try to solve their problems so just you know when they tell a story hold both their hands and be like oh my god I don't know. Why would you ask me?

Like I know anything about women? Jesus Christ, they fucking hate me. My fan base is a fucking sausage fest. I got to give you more advice than that. Yeah, dude, this is a weakness of mine. Understanding women. I have no idea. You just basically, I don't know.

It's like writing Charlie Manson being like, hey, how do I get along with people a little more? A little more better. He's probably a better example, right? Didn't he just die? What a fucking life, huh? What a fucking life. I just can't imagine spending that much time in jail.

Like you're never getting out again. You're in your 30s. You're never getting out again. Like, how you're not just sitting there? Like, really? You've got to be fucking kidding me. Fascinating guy. And in all the wrong reasons.

Like, you really like I literally never. As far as we know, never committed a murder. But it was such a fucking lunatic. I remember seeing a horror movie where all the guy had to do was just whispering somebody's ear or something like that. And then they just fucking would just do whatever the guy said. Just had that a bit, like literally the fucking devil.

He spent his whole life. You know, just imagine if he ever, you know, if he got Mickey Dolan's part on the monkeys. It's unreal. If somebody liked Hitler's drawings, That's why you have to encourage people. All right, Westerns, everybody. Dear Billy Sundance, Billy the Sundance, okay, I've been just getting into Western.

I wasn't a huge fan as a kid. I was more into space and futuristic stuff, but as I round my mid-20s and I'm living more of a loner life, I'm starting to connect more. I'm really looking forward to the new Christian Bale movie Hostiles. Oh, yeah, I can't wait to see that. I hope I said that correctly. because I loved 310 to Yuma. I love the original two.

My other favorites are Tombstone and Butch Cassidy. I was hoping to hear which one your favorites are and get some recommendations to watch while I'm snowed in for the next four days. All the best to you and your family. I would say the Clint Eastwoods, the spaghetti westerns. Fistful of dollars, the good, the bad, and the ugly. He had like a trilogy of those.

The outlawed Josie Wales You know, I hate to say this, but I've never seen the Unforgiven. That was right when I started doing stand-up and I just started missing out on shit. I like those. The Wild Bunch. Let's see. The Magnificent Seven. The original Westworld.

There's one that combines futuristic shit there. Sci-fi and westerns. Eul Brenner is incredible in that. Ewell Browner, one of my favorites of all time. Not because he's bald like me, but I just thought he was the shit. I never saw Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Yeah, I think that I would say that that was all of them. I was never quite into the John Wayne ones.

Those ones were too far back in the day. I like the ones from like the 60s. I like those and I liked all the war movies. Kelly's Heroes, Dirty Dozen, Bridge Over the River Kwai, all of that shit. So those are my recommendations. I would go with the Clint Eastwood. spaghetti westerns. All right. My life's fucked.

My fucked life. Sorry. My fucked life. This sounds like a sitcom, right? Oh, fuck. The battery. Did the battery just die? Oh, the battery's going to die. Oh, fuck. I got to wrap this up. All right. My fucked life. Hey, if I don't get through all this, thank you to everybody for listening. And once again, congratulations to the Patriots and the Eagles. and congratulations to the Jaguars and the Vikings on two great seasons.

All right. Four great seasons there. All right. My fuck life. Dear Bill and Nia. I'm 17 and still in high school. I'm in a bit of a pickle. What the fuck is wrong with this thing?

It keeps beeping. I think I'm falling from my best friend. I realized after we were falling asleep at her house, she had just taken off her makeup and made a joke like, sorry I looked so bad. But when I looked at her, thought she looked so beautiful and cute in her sweatshirt, that was just a little too big for her. What is this? Flash dance. However, she's currently dating a cunt.

Well, what the fuck are you doing over her house? All right, I'm back. I guess my recorder was almost filled up. Sorry about that. So now I had to fucking edit two things together. As always, as always, making my life difficult. Anyways, yeah, so what are you doing over this person's house? She's dating somebody else.

Anyway, he goes, he's a loser. No job, still gets an allowance, an expensive card that his mommy bought him, sits at home all day playing video games, getting stone, and treats people like he's above them. She knows I hate him and I openly mock him in front of our friends, her and even him. Like he got this really generic but expensive looking hard-shaped necklace. when she showed it to everyone,

I looked at him and said loudly, wow, must have cost your mom quite a big, whatever that means. As you can imagine, he tries to avoid me. Yeah, well, you're being a fucking cunt. We share the same friends, and they hate him,

and like me, but mind you, I'm no prize either. I'm trying to get a job, unlike him. Oh, Jesus, you don't even have a fucking job, and I'm saving up for a car. So our choices are two guys who don't have a job, and he has a rich mom. Well, there you go. I tend to be a nice guy, but can't at times piss people off with my jokes and even be a dick with my jokes?

You sound like you're being a dick. I'm not saying you are, but you're being a dick to this guy. He's at least three inches taller than me and handsomer, better looking. I guess he's got this great smile that makes me want to, fuck him up for, well, that makes me want to fuck it up for him. But recently, I've started to turn my life around quit beer, porn, and drugs. My grades are going up, applying for college, working out a lot, but all this in hopes of catching her eye. Like I said, she's my best friend and has a boyfriend, so I really don't know how to handle this. Any help from you and Neil would

be greatly appreciated. Yeah, dude, I would start fishing in a different watering hole. All right. You know, for you to sit there and stand there and be a cunt to her boyfriend, talking about her boyfriend, and you're going over her fucking house, it sounds to me like you're, as Chris Rock says, you're in the friend zone. So what you need is you need some time away from her. All right?

Move on with your fucking life. keep working out, get your shit going. And who knows, you might just meet somebody else. And then eventually when she dumps this loser, she comes around and sees you. Oh, my God, look at you. You're going to college. You look great. You've been working out.

You don't watch porn. Who knows? Maybe it'll happen. But I can tell you, it's definitely not going to happen if you're just going to be her friend and making snide remarks about her boyfriend. Come on. Do you got to be better than that? That's just coming off like, you know, you're acting.

like a fucking, you're acting like a douche. I don't know how else to put it. That's not a strong move. All right. And you should have more going on in your life than the fucking be, you know, you should have more self-esteem than that. All right. Okay, she wants to date this fucking guy.

Guess what? It's her loss. All right. So fuck it. Get on with your life. Keep working out. Work out for yourself. Go to college.

for yourself. Do all this shit for yourself. Feel good about yourself. You start putting out more of a positive vibe as opposed to, you know, hanging around her, shitting on her current boyfriend. I mean, that's just like, I don't know, that's not a good look. Okay? I believe in you. All right? Do what I just said or don't because I don't have any professional training. All right. Dumping my girlfriend. A Billy Billboard brow. Fucking asshole That's another good one Recent Fandy of podcasts

Stand Up and all that jazz Anyways I'm a 24 year old dude And I've been dating and living with my girl For almost four years now And I finally had enough She's a real downer And talk shit about people

Including her friends Like it's an Olympic sport Now the problem is she lost her job A month ago On account of her shit talking It hasn't exactly been going out And looking for a new one Because she's anxious

or whatever, leaving me to pick up her end of the bills. She didn't have any savings because she had picked up the habit of going out and drinking every night. I honestly wouldn't have a problem just up and leaving. But the apartment is a stone's throw from the beach and my other roommate and I really don't want to leave. The fucking decisions people make. It's right near the beach. The other roommate is my best friend. Okay, she's got a lot of books and shit.

and the bed is hers so it wouldn't be a little so it would be a little difficult to do the old put all their stuff in a box trick deep down I do still have love for her so the idea of kicking her out hurts my heart but I just can't deal with the endless drama and unhappiness we'd love to hear your advice on the podcast and as always go fuck yourself yeah the relationship has run its course And you need to go your separate ways.

And sometimes when that happens, you know, somebody, yeah, somebody gets hurt, all right? But you're not doing her any favors if you don't want her to be with you. And you're just, you're just wasting her and your time. So, you know, this is why you don't fucking live with somebody. Unless you know you're going to marry him. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, boy.

So what do you do? Break up with her and then tell her to move out. all at the same time or those two separate conversations. I'd just break up with her and then let her bring up where am I going to live? And I'd be like, well, I don't know. I mean, the coastline is pretty long, so I'm sure there's another beachfront apartment you can be in. I'm assuming your name's on the lease. Usually when there's a breakup, the guy has to leave and leave half his shit.

So it seems like you're in a decent position here. Who wants a negative drunk without a job? I don't think you want that. It doesn't sound like you want it. I think the love you have for her was who she used to be or who you thought she was. So, and neither of those are happening right now. So it's time for you to tell her to hit the bricks. Happy New Year's sweetheart, beat it.

You can't say it like that. I just tell her, look, we need to talk and sit down. She can be like, what's the problem? What's the problem? And you just got to fight through that fucking horrible feelings. feeling. There's nothing worse. The only worse than a woman crying is when she's about to cry. Because you still have hope that she's not going to cry. So you're on pins and needles. Once she's crying, you're like, ah, fuck, this sucks, but you kind of know what's going to happen.

Yeah, you just got to sit her down and just say, listen, I'm not happy. This isn't working for me anymore and we need to break up. All right? Just like that. Boom, boom, boom. And you got to get that out. You got to get all of that out. Don't sit there and be like,

I don't know how to say this. Turn it into a 45 minute thing. Rip the Band-Aid on. Just rip it off. We need to talk. I'm not happy. We need to break up. Okay?

You go into the. two-minute offense. Okay, you don't get out of bounds. You keep the clock running. You want this game to be over. No, I don't know. Yeah, that's what I would do. That's what I would do.

Just sit down and just say, all right, in eight seconds, this relationship is going to be over. Okay? I'm on this side of the eight seconds. All I do, how long does it take to say that? I'm going to time it right now. All right, we need to talk. I'm not happy We need to break up

I just did that in like five seconds And then she'd go What if we blah blah blah No I've made the decision We need to break up It's just not working for me I don't love you the way I used to love you That's what can they say about

They can get mad They can cry, they can do all that shit But the thing is you conveyed it And you're out Where am I going to live? I don't know We'll figure that I guess that's the next thing

We need to figure out And, oh, is your life going to suck after that? But it's never going to suck more than staying in a fucking relationship you don't want to be in. All right? And that's one to grow on. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday. All right.

I'm back. I guess my recorder was almost filled up. Sorry about that. So now I had to fucking add to two things together. As always, as always, making my life difficult. Anyways, yeah, so what are you doing over this person's house? She's dating somebody else. Anyway, he goes, he's a loser.

No job. Still gets an allowance, an expensive card that his mommy bought him, sits at home all day playing video games, getting stone, and treats people like he's above them. She knows I hate him and I openly mock him in front of our friends, her and even him. Like he got her this really generic but expensive looking hard-shaped necklace. When she showed it to everyone,

I looked at him and said loudly, wow, must have cost your mom quite a big, whatever that means. As you can imagine, he tries to avoid me. Yeah, well, you're being a fucking cunt. We share the same friends and they hate him and like me, but mind you, I'm no prize either. I'm trying to get a job unlike him. Oh, Jesus, you don't even have a fucking job and I'm saving up for a car. So her choices are two guys who don't have a job and he has a rich mom. Well, there you go.

I tend to be a nice guy, but can't at times piss people off with my jokes and even be a dick with my jokes? You sound like you're being a dick. I'm not saying you are, but you're being a dick to this guy. He's at least three inches taller than me and handsomer, better looking. I guess he's got this great smile that makes me want to fuck him up for, Well, that makes me want to fuck it up for him. But recently, I've started to turn my life around quit beer, porn, and drugs. My grades are going up, applying for college, working out a lot.

But all this in hopes of catching her eye, like I said, she's my best friend and has a boyfriend, so I really don't know how to handle this. Any help from you and Neil would be greatly appreciated. Yeah, dude, I would start fishing in a different watering hole. All right? You know, for you to sit there and stand there and be a cunt to her boyfriend, talking about her boyfriend, and you're going over her fucking house. It sounds to me like you're, as Chris Rock says, you're in the friend zone. So what you need is you need some time away from her.

All right? Move on with your fucking life. Keep working out. get your shit going. And who knows, you might just meet somebody else. And then eventually when she dumps this loser, she comes around and sees you. She'll be, oh, my God, look at you. You're going to college.

You look great. You've been working out. You know, watch porn. Who knows? Maybe it'll happen. But I can tell you, it's definitely not going to happen if you're just going to be her friend and making snide remarks about her boyfriend. Come on.

Do you got to be better than that? That's just coming off like, you know, you're acting like a fucking. you're acting like a douche. I don't know how else to put it. That's not a strong move. All right. And you should have more going on in your life than the fucker be, you know, you should have more self-esteem than that.

All right. Okay, she wants to date this fucking guy. Guess what? It's her loss. All right. So fuck it. Get on with your life. Keep working out.

And work out for yourself. Go to college for yourself. all this shit for yourself. Feel good about yourself. You start putting out more of a positive vibe as supposed to, you know, hanging around her or shitting on her current boyfriend. I mean, that's just like, I don't know, that's not a good look. Okay? I believe in you. All right? Do what I just said, or don't because I don't have any professional training. All right, dumping my girlfriend, a Billy Billboard brow. Fucking asshole. That's another good one.

Recent Fandy of Podcasts, stand up and all that jazz. Anyways, I'm a 24-year-old dude, and I've been dating and living with my girl for almost four years now, and I finally had enough. She's a real donner and talk shit about people, including her friends, like it's an Olympic sport. Now, the problem is she lost her job a month ago on account of her shit talking. It hasn't exactly been going out and looking for a new one because she's anxious or whatever. leaving me to pick up her end of the bills. She didn't have any savings because she had picked up the habit of going out and drinking every night.

I honestly wouldn't have a problem just up and leaving. But the apartment is a stone's throw from the beach and my other roommate and I really don't want to leave. The fucking decisions people make. It's right near the beach. The other roommate is my best friend. Okay, she's got a lot of books and shit. and the bed is hers so it wouldn't be a little so it would be a little difficult to do the old put all their stuff in a box trick

deep down I do still have love for her so the idea of kicking her out hurts my heart but I just can't deal with the endless drama and unhappiness we'd love to hear your advice on the podcast and as always go fuck yourself yeah the relationship has run its course And you need to go your separate ways. And sometimes when that happens, you know, somebody, yeah, somebody gets hurt, all right? But you're not doing her any favors if you don't want her to be with you.

And you're just wasting her and your time. So, you know, this is why you don't fucking live with somebody. Unless you know you're going to marry him. I don't know. Oh, boy. So what do you do? Break up with her and then tell her to move out. all at the same time or those two separate conversations.

I'd just break up with her and then let her bring up where am I going to live? And I'd be like, well, I don't know. I mean, the coastline is pretty long, so I'm sure there's another beachfront apartment you can be in. I'm assuming your name's on the lease. Usually when there's a breakup, the guy has to leave and leave half his shit. So it seems like you're in a decent position here. Who wants a negative drunk without a job? I don't think you want that.

It doesn't sound like you want it. I think the love you have for her was who she used to be or who you thought she was. So, and neither of those are happening right now. So it's time for you to tell her to hit the bricks. Happy New Year, sweetheart. Beat it. You can't say it like that. I just tell her, look, we need to talk and sit down.

She's going to be, what's the problem? What's the problem? And you just got to fight through that fucking horrible feelings. feeling. There's nothing worse. The only worse than a woman crying is when she's about to cry because you still have hope that she's not going to cry. So you're on pins and needles. Once she's crying, you're like, ah, fuck, this sucks, but you kind of know what's going to happen. Yeah, you just got to sit it down and just say, listen, I'm not happy. This isn't working for me anymore and we need to break up.

All right? Just like that. Boom, boom, boom. And you got to get that out. You got to get all of that out. Don't sit there and be like, I don't know how to say this. Turn it into a 45 minute thing.

Rip the Band-Aid on. Just rip it off. We need to talk. I'm not happy. We need to break up. Okay? You go into the. two-minute offense.

Okay? You don't get out of bounds. You keep the clock running. You want this game to be over. No, I don't know. Yeah, that's what I would do. That's what I would do. Just sit down and just say, all right, in eight seconds, this relationship is going to be over.

Okay? I'm on this side of the eight seconds. All I do, how long does it take to say that? I'm going to time it right now. All right, we need to talk. I'm not happy We need to break up I just did that in like five seconds

And then she goes What if we blah blah blah No I've made the decision We need to break up It's just not working for me I don't love you the way I used to love you That's what can they say about They can get mad

They can cry, they can do all that shit But the thing is you conveyed it And you're out Where am I going to live I don't know We'll figure that I guess that's the next thing we need to figure out And is your life going to suck after that?

But it's never going to suck more than staying in a fucking relationship you don't want to be in. All right? And that's one to grow on. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you on Thursday. What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show. NFL edition for championship weekend. Guys, we have two more shows, which is so crazy because it went by so fast.

I'm Paul Verzi over here. We got Bill Burr over there. Over there. We got Andrew Demless in Beverly Hills and Jake the Snake with the injury report, as always. Guys, we only have two games to talk about today. First of all, first of all, I got to do two things here. Number one, our show is killing it in the playoffs. Bill Burr, who just missed beating the book, is now eight and two in the playoff.

playoffs. So it is mathematically impossible for him to not have a winning season. Your boy, Paul, me, I am seven and three. I know that Andrew and Jake are, we are crushing the playoffs right now. And a big congratulations to two of the guys on the show who are New England Patriots fans, Bill Burr, Andrew Themless. Congratulations on your team going to the AFC championship game. We have two games this week. And the New England Patriots are playing. the Denver Broncos in Denver minus Boe Nix but still have a great team, a great defense,

a great backup quarterback, number one seed at home, hard place to play. And then we have the Rams going to Seattle to play that great defense in the Seahawks, guys. It's going to be a good one. Who's going to the Super Bowl?

I don't know. We got our picks. Jake to Snake, is anybody hurt? This is a very important one, Jake. This is a very important one. We know Bo Nicks, of course, but what else do we got? For sure, yeah. You mentioned Bo Nix.

He's out. Broncos are trying to get one of the running backs back. He's been out for a while. J.K. Dobbins, he's practicing. So we'll see if he ends up actually playing, but he's been out for a few months. The Seahawks have a few injuries as well. Darnold has been playing through an oblique injury.

Looks like he's going to be good to go, though. And then they lost one of their running backs, Zach Charbonnet. He tore his ACL in that Niners game. and then they're also struggling with one of their tackles. This guy, Charles Cross, he's their starting left tackle. He has not been practicing all week, so he's probably going to be out. So that's where the injuries are at.

We're at a good time of year where a lot of people are playing. So that's always good for the playoffs. Obviously, losing Bo Nix is really unfortunate, though, because that was shaping up to be a great game. And still could be, you know. But, yeah, the Patriots, obviously. The odds are very much in their favor, as I'm sure I'll talk about. But, yeah, I mean, you got to be excited.

It's here. You know, it's championship weekend. We're about to figure out who's going to the Super Bowl. So that's going to be really awesome weekend of games. All right, Bill. The floor is yours, sir. Where are the pick? I can't, where are my goddamn picks?

I can't see what the spread is. It's only four and a half. Yeah, this game is like, first of all, the Patriots have had two ugly wins. Interceptions, tip balls, fumbling all over. the place. I would be willing to bet that it's been a long time since a team had that many turnovers

back to back weeks and was able to win two playoff games. So I hate this game. The Patriots Broncos. The Broncos are still a number one seed. They lost one guy. I know it's their quarterback, but like, you know, Bone Dix is not

the only reason why they were a number one seed. They have a great defense. They have home field. advantage and they have no pressure. No pressure. Like it's a foregone conclusion that the Patriots are going to beat them and we're only four and a half point favorites. So I think the Patriots win. I don't think they cover.

Let's take the Broncos. Wow. Okay. Okay. No, I just, I think this game, I think this game is going to be fucking weird. I think the Broncos are going to do weird shit because they don't have, there's going to be a couple of trick plays, double reverse. option, one of those fucking things, fake punt.

They're going to be like, I feel like the first half is going to be a little wild before Rabel and them sort of settled the game down. And then we'll see. But the big thing for the Patriots is they got to, they don't want to, you don't want to be chasing the Broncos. That crowd will be going fucking crazy. They're three to nothing. It's going to sound like there's five seconds left in the Super Bowl.

That's just my opinion. And, you know, there's still, there's still like a healthy hatred. of the patriots because, you know, they were better looking than most people, just the Tom Brady factor, and they won. And most people are not good looking and they don't win in life. And that's why you have racism, Paul. I got to tell you something. During your whole spiel right there, you were actually very persuasive.

You said some things that made me go, oh, man, you know what? Maybe this is going to be not what people think. But I'll be honest with you. For me, I'm going to do what I always do when I say, look, I got to see it. You know, it's like a poker hand. I got to see it. I just think a team like the Patriots is finding ways to win as good as the Texans defense was. And by the way, the Texans defense was so good.

The fact that they kept them in the game with five turnovers or whatever, the fact that C.J. Strauss was throwing the ball up for grabs. and the defense kept them in. No, no, no, no. C.J. Stroud threw one that hit this guy in the fucking hands. He had another ball that was tipped. So let's have interceptions in half. They need to, they need to fucking, dude, if you throw it to a receiver,

and it hits him in the fucking hands, and he hits it up in the air like he's starting to set somebody up to spike in volleyball. The fact that that goes on the quarterback and all these suits at halftime, like, hey, not taking care of the ball. Not taking care of the ball. First of all, it's my time. You had your time, number one. Number two, number two, he did do some things that I thought were careless.

I'm not saying it's all on him, but here's the deal. My point is, everybody said their defense was so good, which their defense was. But that catch by booty, the Patriots offense made plays, and Drake May made throws against that defense when he had to. And even though they were like a bend-not-break defense, the Patriots found a way. I can't see the Patriots losing to a backup quarterback. I know some backup quarterbacks have done it. I think that Drake May and the Patriots go in there,

and I think they win a tight one because this kid has not had a lot of snap since, what, 2003? I got to see a guy like that win this game against this defense. The Patriots are really, really good. I think the four and a half is whatever. I could see the Patriots winning by a touchdown. I just have to see it.

So I am taking your New England Patriots to go to the Super Bowl. And what a job by Mike Vrable. What a job by Mike. I feel like you said what I said, except you said they're going to cover. He said it's going to be a tight game. That's a good point. If it's going to be a tight game, Paul, four and a half points. No, but it's a tight game.

I just think the Patriots are going to win by six or more, seven. I think the Patriots win, but they don't cover. Just so we clarify. And I apologize for stepping on your time. No, no, no. If I hear one fuck more person go, C.J. Strat was throwing it up for grabs. It's like, what about that fucking 87?

It hit him right in his fucking hands, Paul. Yeah. And he goes, like, he got to drop. He still has way too many turnovers, though. He has like seven turnovers in two games. I mean, some of them aren't his fault. Sure, but, like, that's a lot. How many do we have?

Actually, dude, there's been a lot. Dude, we won right day of Western. In receptions, yeah. Yeah, it was more. Ours were pocket. We lost more in the pocket than he did over those two games. But there's been, listen. These teams with turnovers, you know, the Buffalo Bills had five.

It's just you can't win, you can't win a playoff game to go to the Super Bowl or to go to the AFC, NC championship again, with four or five turnovers. I don't care how good you are even, you know, so. That's what makes me nervous, Paul, because you go like, you know, they keep finding a way. Like, finding your way, you can do that in November. You do that in January. It catches up with you. I'm nervous about this.

Bill's, yeah, because Bill's still scarred from all those, the early Brady Super Bowls where we were finding a way. It was like, oh, special teams didn't do what the defense was going to do. And then, you know, offense was always, you know, like, the last guy I was supposed to say about the Broncos. But I wasn't scarred from those, dude, I'm not scarred from those. We won those games. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we also had, like, way more, like, discipline. I'm just, this is from watching 50 years of football. Vinnie Tester Verdy and the University of Miami's showing up in Army fatigues, the Pittsburgh Steelers, booking their hotel rooms before the AFCs. I'm talking about counting your chickens before they hatch. That the second everybody heard, Bo Nix went down. They're just like, this is a foregone.

Dude, if the Broncos traded Bo Nix for somebody else, that wouldn't be like, holy shit, the golden boy. I got a question. Bo Nix is becoming Bo Nix with the Broncos. Let's not act like this fucking guy's up there with the Howitzer. Yeah, I got a question. Jake, maybe you can answer this. So a friend of the show, Sean Green, made the point that now it's going to force

Sean Payton to keep the ball in the ground and run it more than he probably would have thrown it with Bo Knicks. Obviously it's a lot easier for, you know, back up to run an offense if you're handing it off. I mean, is that enough? You know what I mean? I mean, the guy's going to get like one or two

good, they're going to like, oh my God, can you believe if he completes a pass, people are going to be like going nuts. That's just what happens anytime somebody's cold. But like, are they really going to win on a run game? I don't know. I think, yeah, I'm biased, but I think they win by 10. Well, you know, I think their difference is this, and this is just my opinion.

There's a difference between a team eke in one out that's like not good, and then a team finding a way to win because they are good. And I think that Mike Vrable and the Patriots are finding ways to win because they're good and well-coached as opposed to a team with average talent finding a way to win. This is my opinion. I think that they have the pieces. You know, when you have a coach like that, you have a quarterback like that, and dude, you guys have receivers that aren't huge name receivers that played huge and and and and they're really

good i know denver has an insane defense dude they have an insane defense my thing paul is four and a half i'm not saying the patriots not going to win i'm just saying i'm going to die a thousand deaths in the final seven minutes of that game of course you are of course you are that's all i'm saying uh you know i'll be honest with you though gun to my head i'll take i'll play the broncos front defensive line over the Texans. The Texans' defensive line is the best in football by far. So, and you guys did that. And Drake May did that.

So it'll be a great game. Hopefully, you know, hopefully you guys, listen. Do you watch the NCAA championship game, the UFM in Indiana? Oh, yeah, of course. Dude, wasn't it me? Did Miami look like they were twice the size? Like, they, they, they, there was a running back in like the first quarter, went to block this guy on the end.

And this guy just grabbed him and threw him on the ground like he was the second grader. And I was going like, they are going to fucking manhandle this team. But like in Vienna had some guys like they're running back. That guy's got like that crazy heart, man.

Yeah. That guy was like a fucking like a Brahma bull, that guy. They would be on him and he would carry him for like another four yards. But he was great. Yeah, he really was a good game. I kind of feel.

like that game came down to coaching. Because I feel like Miami was just watching them on the field. They were a better team as far as like size speed, athleticism. And they had all the heart in the world. Like I loved how their kids played and everything. I just feel like

that's when it comes down to some nerd with the headset. Also that special teams play. Yeah, I changed the game. Yeah, special team. Special team Special teams, dude. Indiana special teams just played really good, man. I know it's crazy to say, but that was big, and I agree with you, dude. Miami looked like they could have and should have won the game, like on the field, but the running back of the Hoosiers, like you said, and, dude,

that quarterback, that quarterback sneak on fourth and five and went into the end zone and took a hit. I was like, dude, that kid, like, they wanted it. That was a great game, great national championship game. It was just fun to see, you know, I know Miami's been there and they have the history since the 80s, but like it was fun to see, you know, Mississippi and fucking Indiana and all these other. Just so it's not fucking Ohio State, Alabama, Georgia. I was getting tired of that. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, it was cool. Respect to those schools. They're obviously legendary schools, but like it was fun to see somebody different in there. I will say Indiana's coach kind of has a serial killer vibe. Dude. Yeah. He looks like that weird, quiet guy on your street.

that doesn't cause any trouble. A quiet white guy with glasses of a certain age, black frame glasses, a certain age, on your street. Yeah. That's my thing, right? Just stay in good standing with that guy. I tweeted during that game when Indiana was winning. Like, look, at the end, I go, this guy's face looks like he's down 30.

He just never, he finally smiled when, like, at the end, it gave him, like, gatorade, and he kind of just did like whatever, but that was a great game. Oh, you saw it, you saw it a little bit. You saw when they dumped the gate raid on him. You saw that little, yeah, that hunger dude, that maybe he needed to go hunt that nice. That guy's either a great husband. He's either a great husband. He's one or two.

There's no in the middle. That guy's either a great husband or fucking a nightmare. I'm getting, I'm getting like he has, he has, like, we won entrance to the house and we lost entrance to the house. Like his wife Lots to front door And he goes around to that storm door You know the old school ones You open him up and you go down

He's like He's a guy that I think his daughter loves him But understands why the mom hates him All right We're projecting here All right There's some of I would look at the end of the day

I would not want to piss that guy off No I actually in a lot of ways You know Because Bobby Knight was just wore it on his sleeve There's something more like fucking unsettling about this guy. He might be his sweetheart.

I don't know, but it just seems like there's a lot going on there. I love what he said, though, when he was so happy in the postgame interview, and he just goes, Indiana just won a football championship. He goes, how amazing is this for our fans? Like, you could tell, like, he just, he almost couldn't fucking believe it. All right, guys, before we get into our last game, I got to shout out our sponsor. Of course, we're only doing this two more weeks this year, which is sad. But it's bed-M-GM.

We love being with bed-M-GM. The best lines out there, the best sports book out there. And you can come and play along with the Anything Better Show for the championship weekend and the Super Bowl. All you have to do is get your device and download the Bed-M-G-M-G-M-G-M-A. Very simple. Use our code Burr, B-U-R-R. That's even more simple.

And all you do is put a minimum of $10 in the account for your first wager. If your wager loses, you will get $1,500 back in bonus bets to play with. Please bet responsibly, like we always see. say, and the first touchdown promo, you pick any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown in the game, you win. If they don't but get the second touchdown, you guys will get your cash back. Have a good time this week. We only got a couple left. The next game we are looking at is the most, for me, it's the most interesting game, most interesting game, because a lot of people that I'm talking to are saying, first of all, the Rams are two and a half point

dogs to the Seahawks in Seattle. A lot of people. people I'm talking to are going, oh, Seattle's going to fucking bend them over with that defense. The Rams are done. Bill, I'll take this one first. I'm going to take Matthew Stafford and the Rams. I'm going to take Matthew Stafford and the Rams. I think that I know they beat them already this year.

I just think that experience matters. I think that the Rams having a close call to the Bears and going to the overtime with the Bears made them kind of be like, all right, dude, enough of this shit. Let's go in. They didn't play really great ball against the Bears. I know Seattle's good. I think the Rams win this game by, well, definitely, I think they win the game outright. So I'm going to take the Rams getting two and a half, Matthew Stafford, having an unbelievable year, and that's who I'm taking. I think that he's got, what's his name? He's got Pooka Nakua on the other side. He's got Devante Adams on the other side.

It's a good running back, and they got a really good coach. I'm going to take the Rams to get to the Super Bowl. All right. I hate this number. Yeah. Two and a half. I mean, what is that, Paul? What is that?

It's a tough one. Who covers two and a half? That doesn't even make sense. I know. That's the point. Seattle would cover a two half. I like one better than I like two and a half. Totally.

So fuck is two and a part. This should be illegal. It's tough. I don't know anything about Seattle. I don't know anything about them. I don't know about their coach. I don't know about their quarterback of Sam Darnold. Yeah.

Goss Darnold. Every time I think I bet the Seahawks, they fucking lose. Every time I bet against them, they just trounce the other team. you know, I'm looking at the Rams like they won a Super Bowl a few years ago. Who's left from that team? I don't know who's hot. I don't know what the fuck's going on. Just to make it interesting, I think I'll take the Seahawks.

But I kind of, I feel like the Rams are going to just win the game. Me too. Why would I do that if I just think the Rams are going to win the game? So go with your gut. Take the Rams. Because I've been doing that with Seattle, the whole fucking year they think. I can't get a hold of it. him. The Seahawks this year were my Sharon Stone and Casino. I just can't. Am I going to let

him back in again, Paul? I just want my money and my jewels. I get out of here, you fucking whore. Yeah, that's what you want. Take it. Take it all. You fuck. You never loved me. He didn't. Of course, she didn't. With the financial arrangement from the beginning. 100%. But that's on him. All the signs were there. That's That's on him. That's on him. And this is that thing. You treat a whore like a whore, but you're nice to her.

You always be nice, Paul. You always got to be nice to the fucking lady in your life. Can I say something and I don't want this to sound bad? But I don't think... No, never mind. No, come on. Oh, Jesus. God damn it.

Wait a second. It just feels weird to pick the Seahawks. Are I on the clock? How much time do I get left? You got time. We got, we got like 10 more minutes of the show. You want to put yours in? You know, what Bill's thinking?

Let them stall here. I was sorry, do you ask me? Yes. Oh, yeah. All right, I'll go quick. Fuck it, Seattle. I think they'd do. All right, there you go.

All right, well, if you're asking me, the turnover battle, we talked about a little bit, is the key. Like, you look at last week, pretty much every team, well, literally every team that won the turnover battle, won the game. So that's something to keep an eye on. But I like the Patriots. I know it's kind of a basic pick. I don't love a four and a half. I wish it was lower. But I think Bill and Paul are correct. It's going to be like a weirdly close game. But I just can't imagine the LeBronco is going to keep it close the whole game. Maybe the Patriots pull away away by like a touchdown or something.

So that's my prediction there. That's a weird game. And then I like the Rams. I just think they're a better team. I wish it was three. But I think these have been the two best teams all year. And I think if you really look at it, if you like the Rams or like the Seahawks, you should probably take them to win the Super Bowl at this point because you'll get a good number. Yeah, but why do you, Jake, I don't make an interrupt, but why do you wish it was three? The Rams are getting two and a half. Well, because I want to take the Rams plus three in case, you know,

in case the Seahawks win by a field or something. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah. But either way, I still like, I still think the Rams are a little bit better team. Paul brought this up. You got Stafford, you got McVeigh. Rams have a good defense too. All four of these teams have very good defenses, actually.

What did they do during the regular season when they played each other? They go one and one? Yes, they split. So first game was in L.A. And Darnold threw four picks, so they lost that game. But it was so close. And the Rams won the next one? All right, Seattle's too.

That's it. No, Seattle won the next one. And then the Rams were like a 20-point lead. Oh, no. Yeah, so it was too crazy games. You know, whatever. I hope I lose this bet. It's going to be a close game.

these have been the, in my opinion, these have been the two best teams all season long. So, it's... Seahawf fans are insufferable. True. As insuffable as me wearing a TV credit fucking sweatshirt. This is the one that I unapologetically wear. Because not only did I do the show, this is the most comfortable fucking merch. That looks hair cozy.

Ever. That's awesome. I put this thing on Paul. I feel like I'm going to have a good day. Oh, I love shirts like. I'm tired of covering it up. No. I'm not going to be ashamed.

that I did the tonight show, okay? I did do it. Zimvi. You guys want to... Yeah. You know, somebody rides out to Sturgis, they get a T-shirt, right? Dude. I fly all the way back to New York.

I do Phelan, and they give me a fucking baby soft sweatshirt. God damn, and I'm going to wear it. Dude, anything soft? Oh. Nothing worse than a hard, rough sweatshirt. Is there anything worse than fucking cheap merch? No, nothing.

And it's the dumbest thing to do is an entertainment. Tanner, like you just fuck your fans. I don't give a shit how good your show was. If the next day they put on a $30. Itchy t-shirt, Paul. Yeah, it's like another $350 for a good one, you cheap fuck. This is the video archives. This thing's comfortable.

I could wear this every day. It's Tarantino's podcast with Roger Avery. So he gets it. And then we got, we got, we got, uh, Monday morning podcast shirts available that have been available. It's got the MMP. The great ones get it, Paul. I thought I joined it. I was trying to one up.

That's how people should judge their podcasts. Paul's best podcast socks on. No, I don't. Yeah, I think these are going to be, I mean, look, you look at the spreads. What about the over and under guys? What do you think about these scores? Are we big or small for these games? I think, as always, they picked the perfect number.

I don't think, I can't remember the last time I looked at an over and under. and had a feeling like, oh, man, I'm betting that. Yeah, also. It's right on there, three touchdowns apiece, you know. I feel like Patriots Broncos will go under. Yeah. If I had to guess, and for some dumb reason, yeah.

I think Rams Seahawks goes over. What's the weather like everywhere? Is Seattle going to be snowing? I was wrong about the weather the last few weeks. They kept saying, no, it rains up. No, in Chicago. That's why they're always under the bridge.

even though that was the chili peppers they're sad let's see they got flannels on and it won't be their defense on steroids but that's okay 25 degrees in Denver

I'm sorry that was the Legion of boom that was the Legion of Boe right to their right butt cheek 44 in Seattle huh mild 44 degrees in Seattle would be very mild Here's the thing, as much as I make fun of fucking Seattle, I love that city.

And I actually, you know, I love the Supersonics. The Cracken, dude, that new stadium is fucking amazing. And I've always loved the Mariners. Those Ken Griffey teams do are some of the most fun teams ever. Seattle's a great city, man. Yeah, it was great. It's just the, it's just the acoustic nature of their football team. like you know what's that shit people sing along when they can't sing what do they call it uh autotune

yeah it's that's that's what that it should be the uh see yorks play in the auto tune arena dude it was when we were there it was absurdly loud people like talking was loud it was like it was totally designed that way i'm like i got to fucking the game hasn't even started and it's loud no it wasn't natural he's yelling no it wasn't natural i remember going like this isn't right dude Like there's not enough people in here right now for it to sound like this. Dude, it's the most overt, ongoing cheating in professionals. Every fucking game since they've built that thing. They've been able to sound way louder than that.

And get credit. Have you been to Arrowhead yet? I heard that. Arrowhead is legit. That those people are actually making that noise. The fact that they lost their title for that high robot fucking stadium, they built in Seattle is, yeah, it's bullshit. Denver's real, too. Denver's loud and real.

Denver has great fans. Dude, listen, I'm fucking, all these people have great fans. I'm fucking around. I just like stirring shit up, you know? Just because I have on a soft fucking merch sweater, doesn't mean I'm not going to stir it up a little. Listen, you put it on and you felt guilty, feeling so comfortable.

You had to do something. Oh, no, that's the old me. I don't feel guilty. Me saying I wasn't going to apologize with me reclaiming my power. My wife was watching one of these. fucking, one of those Kardashian ones. And they just kept talking about, um,

one of them reclaiming their power. And they said it like 20 times. Like I just felt when I did that, I just felt I reclaimed my power. And then they would cut to another one and be like, I'm just so happy for her because she was sad. And I really think her doing that, she reclaimed her powers.

And then that just became a thing with me and Nia for like a week. Anything that we did, we just, we were just going like, what are you having a bowl of cereal? Yeah, you know, I just, I don't know. I just felt like I needed to reclaim my power. Reclaim my power. I won't say this, though, dude, because I've actually, you know, I've lightened up over the years and I don't give a fuck if she watches.

Chloe's actually really funny. She's my favorite. She's actually really fucking funny. It was some fucking creepy guy there acting like he figured out how to live forever. And she was actually roasting the guy. Oh, that's great. Yeah, because at one point, the guy was saying that, like, a sign of a healthy male body is to have like a bunch of erections at night

and he was saying that this guy is talking to them and the mother's there too said he has more than he had when he was 18 he just said that three random women and then they cut to her and she was going like I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that I'm happy for you and your erections

you should have seen this guy man this guy looked weird yeah Brian John weird oh speaking to which paul can we talk about that road trip that you said you were thinking of doing which the one over to europe yeah we talk about anything but i don't know what you mean oh yeah we were talking to i said to uh i go who was i talking to i was talking to i was i was talking to my younger brother and my younger brother goes dude he goes he goes he goes i got a receding you know he goes i got a receding hair line like right here and he goes i just want to maybe

You know, because now they do like a really good job with transplants. They fill them in, this and that. And I go, dude, I'll go to fucking Turkey with you. I go, I'll go to Turkey. We will be a couple of guys with bloody towels, bloody towels on our heads in an airplane or a fucking VIP hotel. Because, dude, when you go to Istanbul, you're just in the fucking lobby and everybody's just eating at restaurants with bloody towels around their head doing it.

And I was like, dude, I was like, he goes, dude, can we? Paul, can you please? just between the Super Bowl and game one. I'm back of the full. I want you to come back with a full, like, growing up, gaudy blowout with highlights on the end. And then you don't address it. And then the whole podcast, you just sit there like this, like, I start doing this.

Doing that 90-2-0. Oh, that's great. But here's the thing. If I ever did get hair back, it would be like shorter than, like, I would go short. Like, I would be like not even an inch. I would just be like, you know, because I couldn't have wavy locks. Dude, you know what's funny? I got like these wrinkles here.

So people online, there's somebody was trying to say I got a facelift, which is the funniest shit. I'm like, look at me. Why would I go at the facelift first? Wouldn't I get a fucking hair system? Like, why would I? And then where are they going to pull it up to? They're going to see it. Dude.

Whatever it is. Dude, how funny would that be? My wife would be like, that'd be like if a tornado blew down our house. And I was like, you know, it's the first thing. We got to get a toaster. Dude. How funny would it be? Priorities.

If the next time we did it, like, if we do anything better next year, I just have a blowout hair and Bill's faces all the way back. No, you know that shit? They put their eyebrows up, but there's like, there's no, it goes like this. And then you just see it. There's like three up top here. Oh, dude, I was performing at the DC improv, and there was a woman whose face, like, you know, like, when the sides come out more, it was like, dude, it was like, came out like this and like the lips. Oh, filler.

Dude, it was like, dude, I wanted to just be like, dude, stop, lady, enough. It was brutal. I saw a lady one time. Her face was yanked so tight. I thought, you know, the old school, like, window shades? Like, it was just going to go, like, just rip right up her fucking head. A staple flies out and just gets short. It's just getting swam.

All of a sudden, she looks 80. Like, hey, look at that. Melfo over then. Then this staple flies out. Jesus Christ. It's Rosie the Riveter. Oh. She passed away.

All right. I got some shit I got to go do here. Dude, this is going to, I think these are me two really good games. It's kind of funny how the NFL is like mirroring college football, where it's not the usual suspects this year, you know? No Casey. no Buffalo, no fucking 49ers. You saw the stat.

The lion's, you know, just sort of the perennials. So that was the first time in 15 years. No Brady, no Mahomes in the AFC Championship. That's, dude, that stat was the craziest thing I've ever saw. Since 2011 till now, this is the first time, since 2011 until now, chiefs or patriots have been in the AFC championship. Yeah, that's still going. Yeah, that's so active.

That's the craziest fucking stat, man, from 11 until now. Yeah, I don't know. I just hope you appreciate how great Patrick Mahomes is. Well, Collinsworth does. We know that. I mean, you got to be a kid. No, but he kind of went with Williams last week on that throw. I mean, I never seen anything like that.

Yeah. Dude, Collinsworth could be at Starbucks and watch somebody order a coffee and be like, Ah, Mahomes. The last time I saw somebody order a coffee like that was Patrick Walms. He got a double latte with Craves. I mean, you gotta be kidding me. He must have had an internal clock. He went over the second he gets to stir, his coffee arrives.

I mean, it's just like, how do you even do that? I mean, peppermint sprinkles, my God. All right, guys. I got to see this again. I can't believe this. That might be the best order I've ever seen. All right, guys. He hasn't got his scone yet, but there's plenty of time.

That's great. All right, guys, that's the show. Bill is, Bill thinks the Patriots will win, but the Broncos are good, with the points to Broncos, he's taken, I'm taking the Patriots, Bill is taking Seattle. I am taking the Rams, and there you have it. I'm stealing bread. Enjoy the shows.

Gamble responsibly, have fun, and we will see you for one more week with our Super Bowl picks. And don't play in your life when you lose your back. Or do. No show next week. It'll be the following week. Yeah, be a week after for the Super Bowl. No show next week.

We'll be back a week after for the final show for the Super Bowl. We will see you guys next week, everybody. Enjoy championship weekend. Bye-bye. All right, that was a great one. I got to run. Thanks, guys. Take it as well.

Bye.