Monday Morning Podcast - Glengarry Previews, NBA Horror Show, Neighbor Issues | Monday Morning Podcast 3-10-25

Episode Date: March 10, 2025

Bill rambles about Glengarry previews, the NBA horror show, and neighbor issues. Hims:  Go to www.Hims.com/BURR for your personalized ED treatment options. SimpliSafe: Visit www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR  to claim 50% off a new system with a professional monitoring plan and get your first month free.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, March 10th, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? March 10th. Holy shit. Holy shit. Previews start tonight for Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. Saturday night, we did our first show in front of like about 900 people and it I don't know could not have gone better I was so amazed watching all all my castmates like thinking about where they're where they were you know six weeks ago versus this amazing stuff that it became not saying it wasn't good from the beginning but you know you know what I'm saying and just here and where all the laughs were and everything and everybody was very

happy crowd was very happy cast was happy people producing it were very happy directors and everything so we're So we're off. We're off. So next week we just have rehearsals and then we have premieres at night. And then I think next week we just get into the regular schedule where I just have premieres at night. So I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself. All that free time back.

I'll just sit around here being fucking lonely. I am FaceTiming the hell out of my family, but Jesus Christ. The other night I was just sitting here. We rehearsed all day and then we ran the thing and I came back to my little corporate apartment here and I was fucking just like, what am I gonna do? Fucking lonely here. So just ended up like, it's funny, I don't wanna get involved in the politics

of the New York comedy scene, but like I was trying to find a comedy show to go do where there was a comedian that I knew, you know, because I haven't lived here in almost 20 years, right? So I start checking out all of these different comedy clubs around town, and I'm looking them up and I'm trying to go to their website and I keep ending up on the website of the New York Comedy Club. And they're doing that douchey thing where like, I was looking for Gotham Comedy Club and then like they have,

New York Comedy Club has in their search, Gotham's number one comedy club. So you end up on their website. It's fucking dirty pool, man. So I ended up going down to... It was weird. I felt like... Remember in the Blair Witch where they just kept coming back to the same part in the woods?

That's what it's like searching a comedy show in New York City. No matter what comedy club you look up, you end up at the New York Comedy Club's fucking website. Anyway, so I ended up going down to the Gotham Comedy Club and they have their main room upstairs and they have the one downstairs. So I ended up doing a spot there and hanging out with Chris Mazzilli who I've known, Jesus Christ, I've known him since I came to New York, so we had a great time catching up.

And so I figured that that's what I'm going to end up doing. You know what's funny is the Chelsea Hotel is right next to the Gotham Comedy Club, and I was actually thinking about spending a weekend there just to fucking do it, because it's such an iconic hotel, and it's one of those ones like back in the day, before all these never ending wars, before banks took over like our money supply and took us off the gold standard. So you could actually, people could actually like live.

You know what I mean? And you could like live at the Chelsea Hotel, which now to live at a fucking hotel in Manhattan, I mean, you'd have to be one of these fucking billionaires, right? But back in the day, I mean, they have like mailboxes there and all these amazing actors and artists

and everybody had lived there, some dark shit there. I believe that's where Sid Vicious and Sid and Nancy met their end, I think. I don't know. I don't remember. But anyway, I wanted to go down and stay there or whatever. But I don't know. That's the weird thing about like, I hope we can get back to that.

When I was a kid, like how it worked, if you were like working class, the rule was your rent or your mortgage was one week's pay. That's what it was. And, but if you moved to like New York, it was okay for it to be two weeks pay because New York was always expensive, right? And now I don't know what, now I'm meeting all these people on the road, they're fucking working 40 hours a week for a month and they can't make it

Which is really bad for this country because then people have to get a second job and that's less time You can spend with your kids and they need you So hopefully they will fix that Not holding my breath anyway plowing ahead so last night we did the first the first the first run through in front of the crowd and went great. I had some friends come out and stuff and we dropping names all over the place. My first acting teacher, Peter Kelly from the Harrison Project way back in the day, way back 30 fucking years, 1994 I started taking classes

with him, he surprisingly showed up and we had a great time getting caught up and laughing about the old days. It was like a perfect night. And then you know, I went out some friends got a burger and then just walked into this sports bar and the fucking Celtics Lakers is on, right? So it's the second half. Go in there. The Celtics are up by like 17, 18, 19 points. And it's like the third quarter. And I say to both my friends, I go, this is going to be a two point game in five minutes. Right. And of course,

you know, the, I that I don't understand the psychological makeup you have to watch a fucking NBA game. I just don't get like all of these fucking games now, like I swear to God, NFL football, no game is over. It's never over. None of them are ever over. It's weird. It that's not the way the games used. I know they've made all these rule changes and stuff, but I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm watching anymore. So we're up by 17, 18 points.

It gets down to 16, it gets down to 15, gets down to 13, and we're like... All of a sudden we've gone cold. It's a game of runs, dude, right? All of a sudden we go cold, but we're still launching up threes. It's like you've gone cold. but we're still launching up threes. It's like you've gone cold. I watched this guy on the Celtics. It's like there's nobody in front of him. Nobody in front of him.

He could just walk to the elbow and take like a foot, whatever that is, a 12 footer or something. Right? What the fuck does he do? Launches a three. Clank. You know, and then alles a three, clank. You know, and then all of a sudden, you know, the announcer's, oh my goodness gracious. Roger Clemens is coming back, is doing that shit.

And then like this whole idea that the entire NBA, the way that they've built their brand. Like Charles Barkley was talking about how, it was like, why are the Lakers getting all this attention? He said, Cleveland and Oklahoma have been balling the whole fucking year. Lakers have been good for two weeks and now nobody's talking about Cleveland or Oklahoma, right?

So somebody wrote in the comments, who gives a fuck about Cleveland and Oklahoma right and I wanted to be like what do you just proved his point that's what's wrong with the NBA product is fans are like conditioned that only like a few teams compete you know like that's that's what it is like Cleveland doesn't matter Oklahoma doesn't matter all of these fucking teams like it's Miami matters Lakers matter Golden State matters You know just like that whole stupid trade That the Dallas Mavericks get rid of their fucking star player because he doesn't make he I don't know

I feel like he doesn't make the nba any money in Dallas And it's way better for the owners with revenue sharing if he pairs up with LeBron um but it's kind of funny like the Lakers like for as successful as they are they just do not have an ability to manufacture their own stars. The last fucking person that they had was Magic Johnson. 1980 was the last time they fucking drafted the right guy. Everybody else has been a fucking, you know, some sort of move. I know a lot of you youngsters are going, what about Kobe Bryant? Kobe Bryant got drafted by the Charlotte Hornets and then straight up said, I'm not playing there. And the NBA said, okay.

Like, what does that tell Charlotte's fan base? Oh, we're never gonna be good. We're not allowed to be good. It's really strange. So anyway, and then just listening to these fucking announcers selling me this game and just going, Luke is definitely hurt.

He's, he is not, anytime he missed a shot, he is not moving. He is in pain. It's like, it's March. Everybody's hurt. How many times are you going to make excuses for this fucking guy? So I'm sitting there like, if I could have literally just, if I wasn't with other people, I would have got up and walked out of the bar. Just watching that.

It's like, I don't need this fucking anxiety. And then the officiating, the fucking officiating is like this fucking guy on the Lakers, right? He's got the ball. He's down low dribbles out to the three point line. I think it was Luca stops dribbling, looks around and then starts dribbling again. And I'm like, he picked up his dribble, right? Nothing. And I'm not saying this is like preferential treatment to the Lakers. This is like league-wide. Like when I was a kid, when you first started playing organized basketball, like in my school was like fourth or fifth grade, like the dad officiate in the game would have

called that, like you wouldn't miss that. How do you miss the guy with the ball picked up his dribble and started dribbling again? It was so obvious, but they didn't blow the whistle. Even the announcers are going like, I think I think he picked up his dribble. It's fucking bizarre. They don't call traveling. The whole thing is just it's weird. It's like a it's like a shoot around. I don't know.

The whole game is just it's I don't know. It's kind of like passed me by, but the thing about an NBA game that I've never been able to handle is just how I am. This here is not shitting on professional basketball. This is just me. I can't fucking handle being up by 20 points and five minutes later, it's a nail biter.

I just don't need that. I don't need that in my life. I am fucking wound up enough as it is. I've had enough disappointments in life. I don't need to fucking every. I mean, the an NBA game moves the same way as like a horror script, like a movie, a horror movie, you know, where it starts off. Oh, boy, we got a new house. Isn't this great?

Oh, look at this swing out back. Gee, honey, we really did it, right? Then you meet your first weirdo neighbor all of us, you know leads down to fucking 16 All of a sudden the swing in the backyard starts swinging. Nobody's on it leads down to 12 Right, and then the fucking guys coming up the goddamn Stairs with the axe and you're only up by two every fucking guy I can't I don't do horror movies and I don't watch NBA games.

I just, the way I am, I had like Tourette's when I was in that bar. I was just, yeah, launch another fucking three. There you go, nobody underneath. Well, the analytics say, the analytics say that uh that you just you know you just live and die by the three that's what you do you just you just keep shooting the analytics. Well physics says if you fucking I don't know if it's physics logic says if you're not fucking shooting well stop shooting fucking

threes. I wonder if that would work, if this is just overly simple in my overly simple brain. If I was an NBA coach, I'd be like, all right, listen, we're gonna do what the fuck everybody does. We're gonna go out there, we're gonna launch 48 threes and take one layup if it's there in the first quarter. All right, here's the thing. If we're not hitting our threes, get inside the arc. Get inside the arc.

I got this concept. If you're cold, why don't you try to take shots closer to the basket? All right, you start feeling it again. Go out to fucking, go out to the boonies and get back out to the three point land. You start hitting your threes early. You're hitting your threes early.

We fucking bury them. We're up by fucking 12 after first quarter. They start coming back. We get cold, get inside, get inside of it. A three pointer is only one more point than a two pointer. Do I have to tell you that? Feed somebody down low, take a fucking eight footer, you dumb cunts. Nope, just keep shooting the threes. Just three, you know, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. Fucking insane. No strategy.

No strategy whatsoever. You just go down, nobody underneath, don't wait for your teammates, get an open look, take it, take it. Doesn't matter, doesn't matter. Go back down, do it again. Do it, you know, one of them's gonna go in. And it's worth three whole points. Do you understand that? Three whole points.

You don't want that garbage shit. It's like those people who shop at Air One who don't realize that that's the same exact food that you buy at Ralph's minus one ingredient or Trader Joe's. You're eating the same fucking shit. It's just more expensive. All right, Bill, shut the fuck up. Okay, I get it, I get it. I just, I don't know. I missed the creativity in the painted area.

I missed the double pump reverse layup. I missed people going in and dunking on two people. There he is, eight foot nine behind the three-point arc. He launches it up. Do you know what kills me? Is everybody freaks out. You see a hundred three-pointers a game and people still freak out every time somebody takes the three-pointer people are all like it's one more point like I don't understand what you're doing like they make it look like it's the difference between a touchdown and a field goal anyway so I watched the Moto GP old Billy lonely

Woke up this morning, but do but do dude and I watched the fucking race mark marquez Jesus Christ The guy did the trifecta He won the pole position. He won the sprint 12 points on Saturday, and then he won the the actual race on Sunday for 25 more points on Saturday and then he won the actual race on Sunday for 25 more points. Dude's got 30, he won all the points, 37 points. He's up by 11 on his brother Alex and he's up by, what is it, 14 on his teammate Peckle.

I don't know, the most exciting part of the race was he came out of a turn and I don't know what he did. It was like he slowed down on purpose. He's worried about the tire pressure. I didn't see far enough into it. He let his brother get in front of him. He just sort of cruised behind him for like the next 15 laps.

And then finally he said, all right, little brother, I'm gonna win this thing. And then that was it, cuz then once he got in front of him, he immediately had the same comfortable lead that he had before he slowed down. So I don't know what was going on, but Mark Marquez riding for the factory Ducati team is looking like, I mean, this is just gonna be a wire to wire thing. I mean, I don't know. I don't know how Peco handles that.

Because if Mark keeps doing this, what he did this weekend, let's say he does that again in Argentina, then all of a sudden Peco's gotta be feeling like, And if he's going to be able to handle that again in Argentina, then all of a sudden, Peco's got to be feeling like, what the fuck? All of a sudden, you know, I'm just the teammate. And will he be able to handle that? I have no fucking idea.

I don't know how it works. But I don't know, some interesting thing. Pedro Acosta crashed. I really like the way that kid rides, but that was a problem he had last year, crashing out of races. He was able to get the bike started again, and he did get some points, but I'm a big fan of his. And then there's another new rider, this Japanese kid.

Let me see, I don't know his name yet. I thought I wrote it down here on my notes, but I never look at the notes but I never look at the notes. I never look at the notes. Oh, I didn't write it down. What did I do? Did I take a picture? I don't know. He was like in fifth place, I think.

I don't know. It was, it's interesting. And then the defending champ, Mir, was saying that Honda's gonna be good this year. So we'll see. I hope it is. I hope it's not just like the Ducati's continuing to dominate, but if it is, I'm hoping there's some back and forth with Peco and Mark.

We shall see. We shall see, we shall see. So anyway, the fuck is going on with this phone? Okay, Ogura, that's his name. Sorry, just had a sneezing fit. Had to get pause here and here. Fuck. All right, I think that was it. All right, anyway.

So I'm back into that, and then I wanna see Lewis Hamilton driving a Ferrari. I gotta get into that. I don't know when that starts, but oh my God. And then also my fucking Bruins, holy shit, who admittedly, fuck Who admittedly... Fuck. Admittedly, I'm not hitting pause. I'm one of those people,

my wife said it the other day, saying like, I don't sneeze, but when I do, I sneeze like 50 times in a fucking row. It's embarrassing, but I don't know what it is. But I'm sure one of you online doctors can tell me what my condition is. You don't have enough rutabaga in your diet, dude. Have you tried the rutabaga diet?

Anyway, fucking Bruins. Trading away Brad Marshawn, that was hard. That was fucking tough. I get it from a business standpoint because we weren't gonna be good anytime soon. So if we signed him, I think he wanted a three-year deal. If we signed him, it would tie up a bunch of money and we would just be bad. And I don't know, I'm happy for him going to Florida because he's with the contender

defendant Stanley Cup champs, been to the finals two years in a row. So I don't know, but that sucks. I wanted him to retire a Bruin. Also, by the way, I can't believe he's 36. I thought he was like 31. Time just flies. But whatever, hats off to Brad Marshawn. What a fucking career he had with us.

Without a doubt, one of the all-time great Bruins. And like I said, I'm really happy that he's going to a contender, but you know. And then Charlie Coyle, where'd he go? Where'd they send him? Toronto. Kids from Weymouth playing for the Bruins, it all made sense.

I don't know. So I guess we're rebuilding, but just seeing where the team went, all these guys, Debruska's gone, all of these guys are gone. We'll see, but I believe in the front office, we'll see what happens. All right, and with that, let's, no, wait. One of them went to, I think Charlie went to the avalanche.

That's where he went. I don't know, I've been doing this acting shit here, so I'm out of the loop here. All right, let me, I gotta advertise here. The Patrice O'Neill, tickets available for the 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit Sunday, March 18th at the New York City Center. My favorite gig of the year.

I get to work with all of these comedians that I came up with that were friends with Patrice. I get to work with people that weren't around now when Patrice was around, but they were influenced by his comedy, and I get to hear all these great stories of when they discovered, or, you know and I get to hear all these great stories of when they discovered, or you know, I used to watch Tough Crowd,

you know, Colin Quinn and Patrice, and Norton and all of those guys. You just get to hear these great stories. Also makes you feel old as hell, but it's really fun to see Patrice's influence still on stand-up comedy, uh, once again, a testament to how great he was. And um, and also, you know, his clips now, I mean, shit, he passed a long time ago and his stuff still holds up.

Still holds up. I watch his shit, every once in a while it comes up, you know, if I'm not feeling like, if it doesn't make me too sad I will watch it and that's what I always just walk away shaking my head I'm like it's still fucking funny it's not dated it's just fucking timeless, timelessly funny person such a huge loss but this is the one positive thing all the money goes to Patrice's mom we make sure that we take care of her because Patrice was taking care of her.

Here's the lineup this year. We got Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, arguably the hardest guy I've ever had to go on after. Greer Barnes, DC Benny. DC Benny, one of the Boston Comedy Club legends from back in the day down the village when the village was the village. You did not want to go on after DC Benny, one of the Boston Comedy Club legends from back in the day down the village when the village was the village. You did not want to go on after DC Benny.

Two killers right there. Rosebud from SNL, Tim Dillon, another killer. Nimish Patel, Sean Patton, we got all killed. Rich Voss, another killer. I'm gonna be mopping up towards the end and then we're gonna try to get a special guest. I've been asking some people, we always have a nice surprise.

We try to have a nice surprise for you. Tickets are 75 bucks. They can be purchased at New York City Center, NY, sorry, not York, www.nycitycenter.org slash Patrice, P-A-T-R-I-C-E, Patrice2025, or by going to my website, www.billbur.com. It's such a great event every year, so I hope to see you there. All right. It's a good excuse to come to New York.

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I'm getting good at that. That fucking soulless, you know, when you grow a third foot out of your back, we're not responsible. All right, I'm gonna do one more read and then I'm gonna finish this tomorrow because I'm fucking, I don't know what's going on here. I'm all congested, I'm all forclumped here.

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Well, you know something, I gotta tell you, before I sign off here and I'll do the second half, I'll do the second half tomorrow morning. That's why like, when you start buying guns, you start playing out all the scenarios in your head. Right? So you gotta have a gun. Come on gun people, you gotta write it.

You gotta have a gun near where you're sleeping or what's the fucking point, right? But then you start thinking, I used to do a bit about this, right? What if I'm taking a shit, right? Now I need, I gotta... I... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

What if you're taking a shit, you're a little backed up, it's taking longer than you thought, you hear the guy come in the door, you're on the shedder, you got no fucking weapon. Right, now you got a little shotgun in the bathroom. I went over a guy's house one time, he had a shotgun, he was a gun guy, he had a shotgun mounted right to the fucking bathroom,

right next to the toilet. And I gotta be honest, I was like, I get that. I never felt so safe taking a shit in my life. And then you gotta be like, well, what if he fucking overpowers me and throws me in the linen closet? You know what I mean? Like, I feel like if you're like a gun person,

you're not just gonna stop... You're not just gonna stop with the bedroom, right? But if you got kids, it's a little crazier. But, like, let's just say, you know, it's you and your woman, or your boyfriend or your they or whatever. Whatever it is that, like, you know, that you need to have on your journey, whatever the fuck your situation is,

if you don't have kids there, you know, after a while, like, you know, you got a gun. So obviously it's in your head that somebody's gonna fucking come into your house, the neighborhood or whatever, you're're paranoid or you just like them. There's no way you're stopping at one, right? What if I'm downstairs? What if I'm upstairs?

What if I'm fucking crocheting in this rocking chair? You start taping a pistol underneath it. I want gun people, I want. Does that make you more paranoid? Because the preparation for it and also the law of attraction. You start preparing for shit like, you know, they always say prepare for success. You're like prepare for a home invasion. I wonder too if nobody ever comes in and you have all those guns at the end of your life if you're a little disappointed like all those people that have died since the Lions have won a championship you're just like all my

life I rooted for the fucking Lions and they never won it and then you're like a gun person just all my life I've gone to the fucking gun range I played laser tag I've gone hunting I've taken a fucking special forces claim those things that they do for like dads it's like the Guitar Center for gun owners you know you can go to like Vegas and they'll fucking teach you like some special op shit you did all of that to be prepared and no one ever had the decency to come through your fucking front door uninvited. And your wife starts nagging at you.

I told you they weren't gonna be a waste of money. I said you had, oh, you got more guns than I got shoes. Anyway, all right, I'm gonna take a break here and then I will finish the podcast tomorrow morning. You don't need to know that because I'll just edit it together. All right. All right, all right, I'm back, I'm back.

Why do I say that? It just fucking edits it together and shut up, Bill. I'll tell you what's killing me is I just, you know when the iPhone puts together a collection of your pictures and then puts a song underneath it that whole weird thing that it does calls it memories for some reason they just does that so of course I click on it and it's playing John Denver's that John Denver song sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy now that fucking song is gonna be in my head for

the rest of the day I don't know any line after that song after that line in the song and I'm just gonna sing that all day long but I actually think that that's a I think it's a really sad song. I Never really gotten through it, but it like it starts off typically I Don't know I always found his music was disturbing It was like You ever watch like a movie where somebody comes into a town and everybody's smiling and being friendly but you find out later that they're all fucking, you know, in a cult or they're like witches or some shit, you know, if you watch dumb movies like I do.

That's what his music feels like. It feels like the soundtrack to a movie like that. Like on the surface it's just really positive happy like, wow honey, I can really see us settling down and building a life here. And then you find out everybody there is doing some sort of devil worship. That's how I feel about John Denver's music. My God, I'm a country boy. Wait, ba-ba-da-bo-do-bo-wa-ba-ba-da-do-do. And everybody's doing that minor jig, you know, acting like they didn't just murder ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- balls. Listening to you have to defend yourself about not wanting to get

rear-ended and possibly get screwed by a dishonest guy. It's wild you had to explain that by the way. Yeah thank you. Thank you. I thought I was going crazy but you know we're living in a crazy time. We've always're living in a crazy time. We've always been living in a crazy time, but now it's just like overtly crazy. Like, you know, you watch an NBA game and the star of the game double dribbles in front of everybody on television. And in order to double dribble, obviously you have the fucking ball. So everybody in the fucking building is looking at you and they don't even call it. How does an NBA referee miss a double dribble is fucking beyond me.

It's fucking beyond me. They called that shit in fourth grade. No one misses a double dribble. You're dribbling, you stop, and then you dribble again. There's no way to miss it. It's literally it takes like four seconds to pull it off. 1001, 1002 and he dribbles again. Wait, you know what it is, is during that 1001, 1002 so much time went by since he dribbled those two seconds, I forgot. I couldn't remember if he had dribbled before. It's fucking unreal.

Have you ever seen that LeBron dunk when he goes across half court, stops dribbling, takes three long steps and then like five quick and then he fucking dunks it. He was playing rugby he was just running with the fucking ball he should have just slid you know they slide for whatever reason he should have just slid into the front row. I don't know it's strange. All right this person said I've been an insurance adjuster for a few years for a major carrier and depending on the state, the claimant has up to two to three years to report the claim or two-thirds of a year that's what it is obviously the sooner you report it the better because it'll need less intense investigation but legally you're able to take your time a bit side note absolutely that guy was planning to run and just never respond I

get giving the working guy a break but why did the other email jack off not assume the guy that got hit isn't also a working guy? Sounds like a projection. 100% 100% to get you guys caught up somebody wrote in was talking about somebody rear-ending him and then being like hey man like you know I don't think we have to put this through the insurance companies man da da da da and then he just kept promising that he was gonna take care of the guy's bumper and he doesn't right so I was going like yeah that guy's a piece of shit so somebody wrote in being like you

know what the fuck man you're gonna like fucking come down on the working man, man I mean he hits your bumper like that's what that's what they're there for Yeah, that was a piece of shit sticking up for a piece of shit And then this person goes on the letter goes on to say fuck the billionaires, especially the insurance douches Well, that's weird because you work in that industry. So how does that work? Well, I work in show business look at all the fucking horrible things that's happened in this business Maybe you're one of the good ones Love you. Say it back

All right, well, thank you for fucking sticking up for me I thought I was losing my mind All right suit measuring tape. Hey Billy, the fabulous elderly workout influencer. Well, you know, when you're an elderly workout influencer, the great thing is you get to show people your results with your shirt on. Let's see, I just wanted to let you know in a recent podcast you were talking about the measuring tape you recently purchased was showing higher than normal numbers for your measurements. Once upon a time I worked at a men's suit store and typically the waist size of your jeans ranged anywhere from 2 to 4 inches

lower than your actual waist size. That tape or slacks for a suit would show. For instance, if you were 34 waist and jean, your waist for slacks would be 36-38 because jeans stretch and slacks typically do not. Hope this helps in your judgment of yourself and your shirtless yoga. P.S. Go f-f-f-fuck yourself."

Um, yeah, I mean, listen, the tape doesn't lie. The jeans do. It's so stupid. I feel like the genes are in business with the people that poisoned our food supply and then big pharmaceutical. That's the triangle of death. All right? You buy a pair of 34-inch jeans and you can wear them until you're a 39-inch waist. And then you're like, oh, well, I went up to 35, 36 inch jeans.

I need to lose two inches. And it's like, no, you need to lose like seven. That's where I ended up. But you don't notice because your jeans have an elastic band on them now. So they just keep stretching, stretching, stretching. And then meanwhile, you're filling your fucking gut up with this fucking poison and then now what now you need big pharmaceutical there

you go and then you go into the hospital and then they don't cure you they keep you alive and and then you die and you weren't able to work because you were so fucking sick and you accrued a bunch of debt and the credit card companies aren't going to eat that. They pass that on to your loved ones. So what's the moral of the story? Start wearing slacks. All right.

Neighbor wants to store, you know what the fucking, the slacks version of the elastic waist is? Suspenders. I don't think I've ever seen somebody in shape wear suspenders. It's always been a fat fuck. I remember there was a moment where they were like in style. It was really bad. At least in New England it was. And these guys would come to work with green suspenders that had blue whales on them like they were fucking five-year-olds. It was a really weird time. That preppy look with the boat shoes and the effeminate like polo colors. It was really weird. Fucking sweaters, horn rim glasses. All right. Arguably, when it came to bosses, that era, bosses had

the most punchable faces in the history of bosses, I would say. In the 80s, if you had a boss that was into the preppy look, and he was wearing those yellows, pinks, those pastel colors, and the dumb fucking sweater, and his horned rim fucking glasses, and his boat shoes, with khaki pants, and you had to go to work, and whatever that guy told you to do, you had to do. There was just no way as a man that you didn't think like, I mean, it's a cubicle. It's stupid. Like, the walls start at the floor like a normal wall, but they don't meet the ceiling. So like, what am I giving up here? Popping your head up like a whack-a-mole, trying to see what that cunt was, watching him work his way

through the maze of failed dreams. Sorry. All right, neighbor wants to store clamped motorcycle in my property. What does clamped mean? I know, like, I remember hearing on one of those car shows, he was talking, he was underneath the car saying this thing has been Boxed and blah blah blah had something to do with welding. I don't want clamp means I think it means a

Do it yourself Fuck I don't have time to fucking look it up Dear Bill petite birth though build so grand Longtime fan and a listener here. I have a situation that I wanted to ask for your thoughts. My neighbor recently asked me if he could store his motorcycle in the porch, in front of my house. On the porch, you mean? When I asked him what was the reason, he mentioned that he couldn't afford to get the clamp removed. Oh, oh, oh, oh, it's like a Denver boot, what they used to call those things. Yeah, when you park and they fucking put the thing on.

And if it stays on the street, he can get fined or taken away. He didn't want to give more details apart from that he needed it to be for three months. He also said that I'm not using the space in the front of my house so it shouldn't be a problem. While adding you scratch my back I'll scratch yours. The fact that he's talking about the space in front of your fucking house. Fuck this guy. Right before that sentence, I'd be like, all right, this is the deal. You just gotta be like, all right, man, I'll do you a solid, but literally, this is the date.

Let's look on our calendar. See this date? You see this at eight in the morning, this fucking hunk of shit is going back, it's getting off my property. I would do that until he said, you know, you're not using the space in front of your house so it shouldn't be a problem. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. He's

not going to scratch your back. Fuck this guy. I was a bit thrown off to be honest. And as he's always seemed to be a nice guy volunteering to do things, I told him I'd think about it and come back. I spoke to a few people about it discussing if I'm a bad person for not feeling comfortable with this especially when it's for so long. I tried to rationalize it but I do not really want to have someone else's clamped motorcycle on my property in front of my house. Yeah Tell them that. Just say, listen, you know, I think I would have done it until

you suggested, you know, you got that front of your house and I'm not using it. That made me feel weird and uncomfortable. Made me feel like you're not a good person. Like just be direct with the guy. Like what do you, what do you, what do you give a, honestly give a fuck? Unless this guy has felonies and he's going to get physical with you and then you don't need that shit. Then you just say, no, you don't have to be honest. But like, why do you give a fuck about this guy's feelings? You know, and I don't mean you. I'm actually talking about myself too. Like, why are we this polite? Anyway, he continues and says,

I've tried to rationalize it, but I don't really want to keep up a bit of a background. He also has a car in a work van that he asked me a year ago if he can park on the street in front of my house, which I did not mind. Yeah, this guy's like a fungus. The other day he asked me why I haven't come back to him in a for a few days with a spot and I politely told him that it's way too long and unfortunately won't be able to help him on this. Very nice, good work. He got very upset and started yelling saying that he has always he's always been willing to drop everything from me and he is now in a bad mood. So going forward to not call him or ask him

for anything. Fun fact I don't actually have call him or ask him for anything. Fun fact, I don't actually have his number or asked him to do anything apart from suggestions as he is an electrician and a handyman. Well, you are asking him his advice on some shit. But I don't think that that means that he now has to stick his fucked up motorcycle on you, motorcycle on you. Leaned against you. Why can't he put it on his property? He doesn't have any room on his property. What do you think? Initially, I felt bad about it.

But after the last interaction, especially when he was yelling at me in front of my two year old child, I felt less about it. Dude, I think you grew up in a fucked up house. I think you did. The fact that you're questioning yourself on this. You're a hundred percent right. Did you grow up with people screaming and yelling around you so it seems normal? Or giving you a guilt trip? Fuck this guy. Apologies for the way too long email and looking forward to seeing you in April on

on Glen Gary Glen Ross all the best to you and your family and go clamp yourself no dude you're 100% right fuck this guy fuck this guy and you don't need to escalate shit but that's one of those things you know I mean I feel like buddy if you ever yell at me like that again in front of my two-year-old child I mean this guy's a fucking piece of you know what you have for a neighbor you have a dirt bag I Mean Jesus Christ, let's let's look at the detail. Hey, he yells at you in front of your two-year-old kid All right He has a van

What else what's his other vehicles? What else? What's his other vehicles? He has a work van. He has a car and a work van. Well he's an electrician. Alright so you gotta leave dirtbag out of the van world. Dude he's an electrician. This guy should be making money. He's got a motorcycle that he... I mean, I don't know. Why don't you just go pay the fucking fine? Don't electricians make like, I don't know, when I was a kid they made like 25 bucks an hour, they made a ton of money. Yeah, fuck that guy.

Fuck that guy and all of his problems that somehow end up in front of your house or on your property. You should have been like, buddy, you got your fucking work van in front of my house or on your property. You should have been like, buddy, you got your fucking work van in front of my house and your fucking car. Now I'm gonna have your fucking, you know, motorcycle, your clamp motorcycle, leaning against my porch for three months.

When are you gonna start sending your bills to my house, you fucking cunt? Fuck this guy. Fucking dickhead. All right, advice for a lady. Hey dickhead. All right. Advice for a lady. Hey, Billy, big gay Jim. I got a really bad dad joke.

Mike, my Jim is so gay, it should be spelled J-I-M. It's just a neon sign of a gay guy named Jim going, Hi, as you come walking in. All right. This is just a neon sign of a gay guy named Jim going, Hi! As you come walking in. Alright, long time lady listener, I need your help. I worked on Wall Street and was recently laid off. It's been really difficult getting back in the game since because most of the competitive jobs in this industry are being outsourced overseas.

So my options are, yeah, this is what these fucking billionaires are doing. You know, everybody keeps politicizing the job loss. It has nothing to do with Republicans or Democrats. It has to do with these billionaire cunts. They've been using sweatshop labor. We've been competing with that ever since they got sick of unions. You know? And they just said, fuck it. You have your union and your factory. We're fucking moving overseas.

And I remember when they were like, you got to start making stuff back in this country. And they go, well, we would. But if we made sneakers in this country, they'd be $7 million a pair or whatever. And what they didn't say is like how before they left, sneakers were affordable. But what happened was is when they left, all that money they had to pay American workers, basically a living wage, they didn't have to. When they went to another country, they could pay them sweatshop wages so if they move the factory back here they weren't going to take that loss they were going to pass it on to the customer and that's

why it would cost 80 zillion dollars not because the American worker wants too much money it's because the cunts at the top want to keep the profit of sweatshop labor. That's what it is. They are heartless fucking people. They don't give a fuck about anything other than their immediate family. They don't give a shit. They're fucking reptilian. And they somehow have you believing that if you don't, if you're not supportive of what they do to human beings in this country, which at this point is you work for them 160 hours a month and you still can't make your fucking rent, you are somehow a communist, socialist, anti-capitalist. It's fucking, their level of greed is fucking off the charts. They're heartless fucking people and they

don't give a fuck about, including the environment, They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck about anything. Horrible people and all these stupid fucking CEOs now and I love how they're all getting hair plugs and taking jujitsu and trying to change their fucking origin story. They're out of their fucking minds. Um, alright, advice for a lady. Hey Billy Big Gay Jim, long time lady listener, I need your help. I worked on Wall Street and was recently laid off. It's been really difficult. Okay, I read all that. So my options are, one, keep eating shit in New York City. Two, move overseas for competitive offers. Move back home for good. Go somewhere new. My family wants me to move home

but that's been a drag. One silver lining is that I've been getting more bites in California but I haven't spent extended time there before. I visited LA but didn't feel as electrified as I have in other cities. Well you gotta listen to your gut. Your gut will tell you what's home. It would be a huge change to leave everyone on the East Coast and go out West alone, but I'd kinda love to do it. Alright, you're all over the road

here. And that I'm in the metaphorical dugout? L.A. is growing growing on me I don't understand that sentence and that I'm in the metaphorical dugout LA is growing on me I love LA I love New York City I mean it's you live in New York, LA, Milwaukee, Chattanooga. There's a whole bunch of places I could live. But like the key is, is when you go to LA, don't try to do New York shit. Do LA shit. And

if you go in LA to New York, do New York shit. Don't try to do LA shit. That's, That's what happens to people. When they travel, they try to do what they did where they left. That's not the point of traveling. The point of traveling is to get a new experience. I would think. I don't know.

Positives, this person says. Being that I can find my culture out there, it's nicer weather than the northeast, my cane corso will have more space in the home. You know before I read this email I thought I fucking spoke English. I don't I don't know what a cane corso is. Is that a breed of dog? Is that a car? I don't know what that is. And I can explore an entire state I have not spent that much time in. Oh dude California is gorgeous. I mean you wouldn't know because the state has been politicized like Texas and Florida and New York. It's so fucking weird. You know?

There's like literally people in this country that like hate California and it's a state. The United States, they fuck that fuck, I would fell in the fucking ocean, I wouldn't give a fuck. And then there's people in California, Florida, they should just fucking just chop it off and let it fuck it all up. It's like same team everybody, same team. The cons are that my family thinks being laid off

could be a sign that banking is not the industry for me. And I should call living in NYC a good shot and come home. I can't talk to them about wanting to go to LA and I wonder if I'm mentally trying to run away from their preferences for my life. What does my favorite ginger beard think? Am I running away? Should I give up on New York? Or is it really an exhilarating new adventure? Me and my dog. Okay, it is a dog. Can go on. Love you, Bilby. Keep your pale scalp moistened in New York City. What do I think? I think you should listen to your gut. I don't think you should listen to your family

because they don't sound supportive. They sound supportive of you coming back to them because they love you, but to what end? Like what, I don't know where your home is, but you don't sound excited to go there. You're only young once, doesn't sound like you're married, you don't have any kids. I mean if you want to give LA a shot, if you feel like it's calling you, I would do it and you know you can always move back. It's not that big a deal. I...

I moved out to LA. First time I lived out there, I hated it because I wanted to be a New York City comedian. And I just, through this business and opportunities, I just ended up out there. And then I kind of got derailed and I forgot what I wanted to do. And then I came back to New York and then I did the New York comic thing. I got that out of my system and after thinking, I'm never going to LA again, fuck that place, right? I ended up going back out there and I had a different attitude. The first time I went out there I was like, oh, I'm fucking East Coast, look at me, I have a three quarter leather. You know, I'm too fucking real for this town. I did that stupid thing that East Coast people do. Like East Coast people go to LA and they think that they're in that movie Footloose.

And everybody in LA is gonna be like, wow, you're so edgy, man. You're so much more interesting than me. I'm just a plastic LA person. And when they get out there and they realize that nobody in LA gives a fuck about your fucking favorite slice of pizza, whatever the fuck you admit. They don't give a shit and There's too many people out there anyway It's like their attitude when you bitch about LA is like well fucking move back nobody told you to come here

I didn't move to where you are The fuck are you doing right so? anyway If you move out to LA with an open mind the amount of fun that you can have out there for free, just the hiking alone is incredible. The food is unbelievable. The beaches are incredible.

And it has some of the most beautiful homes and architecture I've ever seen, which is another one of the awful things about that that those fires is the amount of just irreplaceable Homes like Like I go on Zillow take a free trip and just look at some homes that are for sale Like those Mediterranean houses with the Spanish tiles on top, the arches, the tile work in the bathrooms and going up the stairs. Like the East Coast just doesn't have that with the Garrison Colonials and New England Brickmaster, aluminum siding and all of those all of those fucking

um I don't know I that's one of the things this this of course this shit on the East Coast that I love but I will say once living in LA I come back here and look at the houses. I'm just like every once in a while you to see like Something unique where it looked like the builder took their time But it just looks like so many of the houses out here were just fucking slapped together Unless there's like a mid-century kind of thing which has a cool vibe just my opinion so let me get back to the question here i'm fucking totally sidetracked there all right am i running away you're not running away you're young you're figuring your life out should i give up on new york city if your gut tells you that that you should

leave, then I would. If your gut says you could should stay here, you should. So what I'm really telling you is listen to your gut. Go somewhere where if you feel excited, if you get in a good vibe, as you say, an exhilarating new adventure, you and your dog can go on. I mean that's kind of to me that seems like how you're wired and I don't think that your family is wired to have an exhilarating adventure. I think that they're more conservative and that they they like you know they've settled into their life and change scares them. I know that they love you and they probably worry about you and they want you to be home. So part of it is that, but you got to live your life.

All right. And part of living your life is I can't make your decisions for you. So I would say, listen to your gut. And there's really no, you know, there's no wrong. There's no fucking mistakes. You know what I mean? There's no fucking mistake. You know, I mean? There's no fucking mistake. You know, it's stupid.

The weight that you put on a mistake, I mean, what are you clairvoyant? You can... You don't know what the future is. It felt like the right thing to do, so you did it. And it didn't work out. Big deal. You learned from mistakes. The other night, we ran the play for the first time in front of like, eight, nine hundred people. I made a couple of mistakes. And you know what? The mistakes ended up being a good thing. The other night we ran the play for the first time in front of like eight, nine hundred people.

I made a couple of mistakes. And you know what? The mistakes ended up being a good thing. Because I realized that I can think on my feet and I can get past it. So it's one less thing to worry about. Because that's the big thing you worry about. Oh my God, what if I forget my lines? What the fuck am I going to do? So, had I done it perfectly and not said the wrong word or flipped the line around, I would still have that anxiety of like, all right, well, I did it right the last time, what if I don't do it right this time and I would still be in that. Fortunately, I fucked up.

It was a blessing. So now I can be like, okay, well, all right, if that happens, I'll figure something out and it'll work out. No, tonight I'll fall off out. It'll work out. I don't know much tonight, I'll fall off the stage or some shit. Alright, that's it. Go with your gut. Okay, book recommendations. This is the last thing. Great book about the NHL in the 70s.

Lots of stories. Just a recommendation for Bill. It's called Hockey Night Fever by Gary Cole. Thanks for all the laughs over the years. I'm a big fan. All right. Well, thanks for the book recommendation. I really appreciate it. All right. That is the podcast. Have a great couple of days. Go fuck yourself and I'll talk to you on Thursday.