Monday Morning Podcast - Golf, Farmers, Squirrels | Monday Morning Podcast 4-13-26

Episode Date: April 13, 2026

Bill rambles about how playing golf is stupid, farmers, and biting squirrels. Quo: Calls, texts, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details all live in one clean view. Try Quo for free and get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to http://www.Quo.com/BURR Policy Genius: Get free quote on life insurance by going to http://www.PolicyGenius.com/BURR SimpliSafe: Right now, you can get 50% off your new system by visiting http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR Truewek: Upgrade to the T2 WerkPant and stay comfortable no matter what the day brings. Get 15% off your first order at http://www.TRUEWERK.com code BURRNormal: A double-barreled shotgun blast of pure mayhem. Starring Bob Odenkirk, Henry Winkler, and Lena Headey. See it only in theaters starting April 17.TOUR DATES ▶ http://www.billburr.com/tour MERCH ▶ https://billburrmerch.com/ INSTAGRAM ▶ https://www.instagram.com/wilfredburr/ APPLE ▶ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/monday-morning-podcast/id480486345 SPOTIFY ▶ https://open.spotify.com/show/5SFiQlOQ3EKmwp0chE1QzY?si=4e6149a2ba584182 WEBSITE ▶ http://billburr.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Spillberg, are you doing? It's time for the fucking Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 13, 2020. Six, six, six, six. What's going on? How are you? I think it's very apropos. When people say that, it's very apropos. There's a couple of those words.

You hear those words and you're just like, oh, I am not going to like what comes after this. when someone goes, you know, I think it's apropos. Am I saying that right? Apropos? Apropos? You know, I guess that's French for very fitting. Or dude, I called it.

Is that what, like, smart people say instead of saying, dude, I called it? Sorry, apropos. Here's another thing that a lot of people like to say. I didn't finish for April 13th, 2020, 2006. I did say that. Yeah, that tracks. That tracks like you're building a fucking case file on somebody. I say that.

Yeah, that tracks. You know, somebody said something to me the other day. They were like, ah, you know, fucking this person, you know, they blah, blah, blah, blah. And I go, you know, that tracks raising a kid his work. They don't want to fucking do it, huh? Anyway, before we get started, it's getting close people. Patrice O'Neill 13th annual Community Benefit at the New York City Center

at the New York City Center on April 28th, Tuesday night. We're going to be there. Rich Voss hosting, me, a whole bunch of other fucking people. I've already listed them a million times. It's one of my favorite shows of the year. I always get to see my old buddies and then I get to meet some new people

that I, you know, or maybe I saw somebody. I'm like, yeah, they're in the New York area because I don't want people to travel for this shit. You know what I mean? It's like everybody's working for free that night. So I'm not going to make you fly in from fucking whatever you fly in from. Boca Raton. You know, Boca Raton.

That's one of those fucking cheap game show prizes. They'd always send you to these shit-ass fucking places. Not shit-ass places, but places that just became shit-ass places because too many people went there. And then all of a sudden people are like, you know, not that this place sucks, there's just too many shit-ass people coming here. And then people want to go somewhere else. You know, it's like the south of France. They all get the fuck out. All the French people get the fuck out of there when my fucking freckled pasty ass.

When we all show up. All right? And all the fucking English people, Roy, Scout, who I ain't going to smoke with South of France bike. Right? And they fucking go down. They get out there's some sort of fucking, like, I'm not going to say, they said where it was. but it was in a surprising country You know I don't know why I'm surprised

There's lakes pretty much everywhere But it's just not like a place That you would think that people would go to And these motherfuckers, that's why they go there I never did today Because there There's There's too

Pousand Too much Um That's how I'm going to get away with Once I become fluent I'm just going to have that voice Ah, yeah. I'm

called Guillem. Goodsova, Madame. Pardon. Pardon. Is a

can, is that you can, me don't a cigar, please,

thank. Thank you. Thank you, much, Madame. No problem. No problem. No problem.

You just go into that voice because everybody thinks all, you know, boudu and all that dumb shit.

That's what think. You know what I mean? They think it's a bunch of fucking pansies running around on their tiptoes with berets on. And it's like, no country is like that. That's just what people say about certain countries. And it's like, no, in every country, there is somebody that will bite your fucking ear off. You know, there's always those people. Those fucking people you don't want to meet in a dark alley. They got them in every city, every fucking town. There's somebody's got to be the sick as fuck. Oh my God.

There's a fucking Netflix show. Why don't they do that with all their serial killer shows? They got to do the March madness as serial killers. Who, the sick as fucks. No, fuck serial kills. I hear how they get famous and nobody. knows their victim's names or they get turned into sex symbols with like chainsaw cocks like that Ryan What's his face did with the like still can't believe I literally thought

Maroon 5 was going back on tour and it was a fucking billboard for a serial killer the sick as fuck out of all of Ed Gein. Ed Gein's a sick fuck and then there was this other sick fuck down in outside of Houston um that somehow enlisted these other kids to get him more kids to do guys to do God knows what to, and then they finally ended up shooting him. That was another sick fuck. Then you got to break them into categories. The sickest fuck when it comes to drug dealers, you know, what do they call them?

Not kingpins. What do they call him? He's a drug lord. That's a great name, huh? Lord of the drugs. You guys are on drugs. I am the God of drugs. And you will worship me.

then you have the sick as fucks as far as leaders of the world and then you just have sick fucks who are just like mentally ill and you got all the different levels of that how about that you make your brackets um i don't know bill that's pretty fucking dark it was funny when you first did it but then when you just kept going i i kind of lost the humor in it i get it i get it by the way i'm still dealing with my tennis elbow, even though I don't play tennis elbow, but somebody gave me a fucking great stretch to stretch that nerve or whatever. Okay? You sit down, you know, with your legs, you know, you're sitting down how a guy sits down.

You know, you're not to the point where someone's going to say you're man spreading. Remember that shit? Remember that for a minute when liberals were talking about how much of your own ball bag you could show on a fucking man spreading? You mean sitting comfortably? You guys don't have nothing down there. Okay? You have an outlet.

Okay, we have the plug. I'm not going to be sitting here smashing my junk so you and your 20 bags can sit down. That was one of those moments. That was a really bad fucking move with feminists. When they did like the mansplaining thing and man spreading, that's you know you gotta be you gotta be careful with that shit you explain shit too much okay and what exactly you know and what exactly is it that you guys do

you know that's like one of those things kind of like that was sort of unisex you know mansplaining I'm not explaining shit to you I'm trying to fuck you okay I don't know how this shit works you asked a question I thought if I didn't answer it you didn't want to fuck me anymore

just tell me you don't want to talk about this shit, I'll shut up. I will literally do whatever you want me to do because I'm trying to fuck you. That's why they got us, they got us under their skin. They got us on a fucking string. And it's still not enough, huh? Like corporations, it's still not enough. You've seen this shit. They're going to fucking, they're trying to enact like everybody has to register for a draft. Yeah, we're making it better again. Because you know what it is? There's not an army big enough to satisfy the fucking greed of the upper 1% that doesn't fight in the fucking war.

And you watch, they will politicize this fucking thing, and then the left's going to yell at the right, and the right's going to yell at the left, and all of that. They are fucking deputizing all of our children to die in unnecessary wars because they want more stuff. They want more control. They want more natural resources. they want more power. Well, then go fuck.

You go get it. You go get it there, Haberdash. You take off your fucking show. I'm walking around now. Oh, you know, when you walk around and you talk, you feel like your points of landing even more. I'm giving a lecture to nobody even here. You go fucking do it with your soft fucking hands.

Huh? You fucking cunts. Anyway. I've seen this all before. The direction we're going to. in. I've seen all of this before. You've seen it all before. You know what ends up happening. And I've been to the countries that tried to do what we're doing. You really think everybody's just going to sit back and let you run it all and just take whatever the fuck you want.

You know, that's what you're going to do. Keep feeding your people propaganda about what you're doing. And then the rest of the world knows what you're doing. And eventually what happens is they all gang up on you and take you behind the shed. And they give you a fucking beat down. But the amount of citizens that will have to die here before those fucking upper 1% start taking off down to South

America to try to escape their sins. What do they say? What do they say about history? What do they say? You know what they say? They say it's in the past. Don't fucking worry. But no, they say those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it. They also

say, I don't want to take this fucking class. You know, it's really hard to fucking get into ancient medieval history When my teacher's sitting here with chalk dust on the front of his fucking pants They say a lot of things about history And I'll be honest with you, I don't know how many of them are right I don't know how many of them are wrong You know why? Because I didn't pay attention

There you go And there we are You see that? I just said a bunch of things that I felt And in the end, you know, when you look down at the bottom of the page When I cite my sources, I let you guys know that there aren't any there are no sources in this book

I just turn on the microphone and I start fucking talking anyway oh Billy hit the gym today oh Billy's getting in shape he's losing the rest of the wait oh Billy that's what I'm doing

what song was that? Oh that was oh Sherry when Steve Perry Steve Perry singing about Sherry I wonder if that was like a choice they made in the studio. It rhymes with your last name. Or maybe he was actually dating a woman named Sherry,

which you don't run into that too much. You know, when I was a kid, I knew a couple of sheries, you know? You know, you're an alcoholic when you name your kid after your favorite drink. Right, let me get a little sherry. Not me, daughter. A fucking ball, mate.

I knew a sherry. Oh, I, I, I knew a Sherry back in the day Anyways What else? I watched the end of the Masters And I think that's the way to do it You know, you watch the fucking end

I watched the last day I only watched the whole thing once Yeah, so that's the way to do it You gotta just You sit down last Only one time did I ever watch that entire That entire, what would you call it? parade of golfers tournament.

The only time I ever watched the entire Masters tournament was the year Kenny Perry lost it in overtime, in extra holes. And it was one of the most fucking awful things I ever watched. Like, I still, every once in a while, when I look at the mouth, I get sick to my stomach, just looking at it. Just the amount of the fucking tragedy

that that that that that that that that that that that fucking activity is and that all of these people just signing up to do it signing up to do it you know what they're you know they and i love how they try to sell it you know with the slacks and the fucking nike swoosh on there and you know like i told you i saw that fucking thing this guy was like trying to show how you get your kid into golf it's like don't have don't take them out for 18 holes Don't even take them out for nine holes. Just go out for like four holes. Encourage them. Just tell them to have a good time.

You know, and when you walk with tossle his hair, you know, say, way to go there, buddy. And then go get yourselves a fucking malt. And it's just like, dude, like, how many misdirections are you going to go with here? You know, before you just tell this kid that, you know, by the way, I am signing you up for a life of misery and frustration. taking up golf is like is worse than marrying the wrong person you know what I mean because everybody knows going into marriage it's going to be worth you take up golf you think it's going to be fun ah we be one of the guys out here on the fucking who's a what'ser right it's going to be like caddy shack no it isn't it isn't you're just going to keep fucking chasing it so anyways I sit down I just watch it on the last day okay and congratulations to Rory McElroy winning it back to back, you know? Because even those fat, man-titted, you know, whatever you want to call them, I guess they're called sports writers.

Even though he won it last year, the fact that he won it again is to shut the fuck up. You win it one time and those cunts like, you know, all right, he finally did it, but blah, blah, blah, blah. But there's still going to be one, you know, polishing off a baconator. talking to some other guy about ready to have a cardiac episode, and he's going to be saying like, yeah, but he only won it once. You know, when Phil Mickelson didn't win it till late,

you're taking it, he won like fucking do it. They're going to find a fucking way to fucking criticize you. They're going to do it. This is what they do. This is what they do. They just shit on everything, and especially accomplishment. I mean, failure, even fans. shit on failure.

Dude, the guy, the guy couldn't win the big one. Oh, yeah? Could you win the big one? What's the big one in your life? And how are you, like, I don't know why athletes take the level of shit they do from people who couldn't hit the side of a fucking house with a beach ball. Whoa, Jesus, Bill. Did you have enough fucking references in that one? They call them the reference.

Billy the reference. Side of a house, beach ball on a calm day. Why didn't you throw that in there, Bill? Anyway, so he gets his second green jacket. It is kind of funny that that's the trophy, a fucking sport coat. That's when you're deep, you're deep into it, you know. You're with the ultra rich, but you're still on this side of going to an island and fucking underage kids. Underage people, whatever, kids, kids are all underage, whatever the fucking references.

You're just close to meeting the pedophiles that start wars to get their fucking dirty laundry off the front. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Anyway, so I think I was just trying to say congratulations to him. Two years in a row dominating the activity that is known as golf. that people try to shoehorn into like sports. Shoehorning like fucking golf into sports is the same thing as people who perform in a half-filled arena

and want to make the same amount of money as people who fill the arena. You know what? I'm fucking playing basketball. I'm telling jokes too. You got to sell the tickets. Sorry. All right.

Anyway, anyway, um, watched a lot of sports this weekend. I had a good time. Hung out with the kids and everything. Went to a birthday party today with my son. I just had a fucking great time. You know, I love about him,

he wants to get the fuck out of there at the perfect time. He doesn't care. He just goes, all right, dad. He goes, can we go home? And I'm like, absolutely. Absolutely. Let's get out of here. And then all of a sudden they brought out the birthday cake.

and he goes, actually, Dad, I changed my mind. Anyway, so then he had his birthday kick, and he's like, all right, I'm out of here. I've been going to a lot of arcades, man. I went to a really, I had all of these birthday parties, a lot of them, they're like at the arcades. Not like David Busters, that fucking place. Jesus Christ. Somebody said it. It's like Vegas for eight-year-olds.

It's insane. There's no windows. It's loud as shit. Not a fan of that place. But, like, you know, you get yourself. a mom and pop arcade, you know? The kind of one, like back in the day, bookies would pull in behind

and fucking collect money from the dads who just dropped off their kids to go play space invaders. I like more like that, you know? I like when it wasn't all connected. It's all the same thing. But anyway, and a buddy of mine

sent me a couple of these old sports highlight things. And one of them was the original, less filling taste great campaign that they had Miller Light and they took all these current and retired athletes

it was fucking amazing it was hilarious and I watched it it was you know just reliving my childhood and then I got sad because like Bert Jones is the only guy left alive

everybody else was gone John Madden Elsie Greenwood Bubba Smith Dick Butchus Mickey Spillane Steve, was it, Steve Mazurik, Billy Martin, Rodney Dangerfield, Bob Davidson, Bob Euchar,

Tommy Heinzen. They don't make them like that anymore. Those fucking guys were hilarious. And Bert Jones was the only guy left. So I saw that. And then he also sent me this, this fucking clip, one of those old school, like, hockey clips of people just back when you could just head hunt.

And there's always people in the comments going, this was hockey. It's like, no, it wasn't. Even though those hits were fucking legal, like, not everyone in the league was doing that shit. You still had to be a fucking psycho piece of shit and not give a fuck about ending somebody's career. You had to be like that. Like there was always those lizard people in the fucking league.

You know? I don't know. I've never liked that shit. I don't like those old highlights of watching guys get hit in the head or going over the middle in the NFL. And I always hated when the defensive player would stand over the guy after he knocked him out. It's like, dude, he's running full speed, looking back the other way, trying to catch a flying object. You're not even looking at the football. You're just lining his head up.

like it's it's not a hard it's not hard to knock somebody out that's in the fucking air jumping up trying to catch something you can do that to anybody you could literally fucking knock anybody on there once they're in the fucking air that's it's fucking it so i don't know and plus also like just people watching that shit it's like we've all seen the results of playing sports like that and these. guys how much they struggle and their CTE and all of that shit and that the owners of these teams knew about it and looked the other way and then when they finally got a class action suit against them they settled for like 700 something dollars per player it's fucking gross oh jesus bill

will you get off your fucking soapbox what do you got a problem with now the fucking tooth fairy um i'm surprised they didn't make them change that name Ferry is a homophobic term used for someone who's gay. We don't want to... No, but this is an actual fairy. Yeah, but it doesn't exist. They would get you on that technicality. Maybe.

Maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they wouldn't. I flew this week, went up with my instructor. I did some auto rotations. And he was doing like the real thing. Because I was always sort of easing into him. Ooh, engine failure. failure. Tadda! He's just like, all right, I'm just going to chop fucking throw it.

Dude, the fucking nose goes quack on mine just goes right over to the left. And it's good. He does it a couple times. You get that collective down and then he told me, he goes, you know, you got to understand when this shit happens, you're going like 80, 90 knots. So the air is being drawn in from the top of the disc because you're fucking flying like this, you know, you're flying forward. You know, it's pushing it behind you. So it's at an end. It's angled down. So not only you have to slam the collective down, that's the emergency break, right? He also got to yank back aggressively on the stick because now you want the air to be coming underneath.

That's what keeps your RPMs going. That's what keeps you alive. And he just did this little thing with his fucking hands and immediately is like, I never thought about that. I was just thinking trim airspeed RPMs and I knew the movements, but I didn't just quite understand why. Every fucking time I learned something new. So that was one of those ones. I'm like, all right. Then we did some hover autos, which are my favorite.

I love doing those fucking things. And he added this extra thing. He goes, next time, you know, just like, you know, with mine, it's left pedal, left, a little bit to the left with the cyclic. And then if you feel you're a little high right before you pull that last bit of energy you have in the main rotor, he just pushed the sticks forward. You just kind of move forward. You kind of just slide for like three inches.

It's fucking amazing. Anyway, I'm really happy that I did that. I know that's some boring nerd shit. But anyway, there are a few pilots that listen to this. I like to think. All right, let me do the reads here. Is these them? Yeah, the other man.

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by visiting Simplysafe.com slash burr. That's simplysafe.com slash burr. There's no safe, like SimplySafe. All right, here's some more shit here that you guys sent in. Easter Bunny. Here comes, Pete. cotton tail hopping down the bunny trail hippity hoppity easter's on its way that never like took hold you know every year i'm dreaming of a white christmas but no easter song can you imagine

if maria carey decided to fucking take over easter to you know and then what would be left what would be left does she go flag day in risk being called ant-a-a-a-and-rexed anti-Semitic because she didn't go to Hanukkah. I know, it's a tough one. On last Monday's podcast, all right, Easter Bunny, sorry. Happy Osterra, Big Billy Burr. Osterra? I don't know.

On last Monday's podcast, you talked about celebrating Easter with your kids in the weirdness of showing them a man in a rabbit suit who handed out colorful eggs. Yes, strange. It's just like, I don't know. I think all the dumb ideas that they had for all that other shit, they just didn't, you know. The best one's the tooth fairy, because it's fucking stupid like all of them, but they never see it. It's perfect. You don't go to the mall to get your picture taken with the fucking tooth fairy.

I shouldn't have said that. Some corporate cunts are going to figure it out. What month of the year do kids lose the mouth's teeth? And we'll bring the ferry down to the fucking mall. Anyway, this person goes on to say, well, that's actually what remains from your freckled ancestors' celebration of Ostera. So what are you going to blame fucking bad Easter bunnies on me? The Celtic celebration of Osterer. Isn't that like Scottish?

That's not Irish. I have maybe fucking two drops of Scottish blood in me. I don't know. I've never done a 23 of me because I can guarantee you there's a fucking serial killer in my family. The Celtic celebration of Astora was their celebration of spring and rebirth. After the Romans conquered Western Europe, they worked to get rid of, yeah, after the Romans murdered a bunch of people in Western Europe. Why don't we say that instead of conquered? They worked to get rid of all our Celtic heritage and replaced Osterra with Easter. Then when Rome fell and transitioned into a church, they exchanged it again to make it a celebration of Christ.

The bit about the Easter Rabbit is pretty much all that remains in the mainstream. It comes from a story in which the goddess, I hope I'm saying. her name right. Osterra. Found a bird that was dying while she was walking in the woods. The only way she could save the bird, wait a minute, she's a goddess. Doesn't she like control shit? Can't she do the Superman thing and like fly backwards and turn the world back? Found a bird that was dying while she was walking in the woods. The only way she could save the bird was to turn it into another animal. so she turned it into a rabbit.

The spell wasn't perfect, though, and the rabbit continued laying eggs. Every spring on the day of Osterra, the rabbit would hop around the woods, laying colorful eggs in honor of the goddess who saved its life. This is so funny, because so many comedians, myself included,

have made fun of this stupid shit. And we think we're making some big, fucking great joke. In reality, what we're saying is that the cunts that control us, have taken away so much tradition and all of this stuff that we don't even remember it. So we're making fun of the fact that it was taken away from us. Is that what we're doing?

I don't know. So the person says, so there you go. Now you can tell your kids that by collecting colorful eggs every April, they're connecting with their ginger ancestors. Thanks and go read a book. Well, I'm going to read. I've been reading a lot of books, you fucking asshole. And also, there's redheads in, like,

like Germany too. So this whole idea that, oh, they're all fucking Irish or they're Scottish and, you know, it's a bunch of bullshit. So why don't you travel? I'll go read a book. You go fucking travel. All right. Irish protests. That is such a... I've got to

be honest with you. Now that I know the truth of the story, it doesn't make it any better. Oh, because it was a rabbit because it was a bird before. It was dying and then a goddess like, why did they do? You know, you you're still inventing some sort of stupid horse shit.

Was it because nobody wanted to say that this Middle Eastern hippie got tortured for being the son of God, got tortured to death? Is that why? Is that what's going? I just don't understand how all of this shit started. Well, why can't it exist on its own? Why can't it just not be Easter weekend? Why can't you just do that in like, I don't know, February? I don't get any of it.

It's stupid. the tradition of lying to your kids. All right. Irish protests. Dear Billy of the Hills. Dear Billy of the Hills, you're fucking asshole. You're fucking idiot.

I like to bring our attention to a matter that will never get the proper coverage it deserves. Okay. Over the last decade, Irish lawmakers at the direction of global interests, gee, I wonder who had a hand in that. have been passing laws to destroy the livelihoods of farmers and the local food dependency of citizens. Generations of families who have supported themselves in the countryside have been impoverished.

In the last days, there have been massive protests. These protests are not for vanity. They are for survival. Mainstream news slanders the farmers as right wing to quell any sympathy or further into. introspection about what is going on. The deployment of these tactics are to cover the psychotic and senseless laws preventing farmers from growing food. Yeah, because they want to just eat the fucking poison.

And then the people that eat the fucking poison will be, who make the poison that we now eat will be bought by the pharmaceutical countries in its companies. It's like, okay, we'll own everything. The poison food that makes you sick and then the drugs to get you fucking healthy. It's insane. the direction that we were moving in. The government has even paid farmers

to grow wildflowers instead of food. The desire of those in power to now control not only the quality of our food supply, but the movement of our food supply exposes them as the death cult they are. Stay vigilant, wise billy of the hills. Yeah.

If they can control the food, if they can fuck this planet up to the point you can't grow food and only they have the food, food. That's it. And then they're going to take all of these fucking assholes with their guns that are going to remain up on the wall or in their gun safe or just they're just going to take by the time people realize that they need to, all of these guns that they got, and all of these years they pointed them at the wrong fucking people because the people

that they should be pointing them at have been telling them to look at all these other fucking people with no power, which would fucking blows my mind. It's such a bad lie that don't make the laws. Like this whole bullshit about fucking illegal immigrants and all of that, they are not affecting your fucking life in any sort of negative way. The fact that you cannot fucking afford shit anymore, just look up. Those are the people. They're running it.

They have all the money. They own the politicians. It's not a red tie. It's not a blue tie. It doesn't mean shit to them. They got all the green. They're all fucking pieces of shit. And with that uplifting.

I don't know how to solve it, people. I don't know how to solve it. Everybody's just yelling at everybody. I do have advertising that on this podcast where you can grow some fucking lemons and limes inside your house. I don't know. All right. Irish protests. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Okay, here we go. Squirrels. Oh my goodness. Watching the podcast in Austin. Beautiful city. I've completely changed my idea of that. I got off 6th Street. I didn't realize I was in the Times Square of Austin.

And I went out near the river and I'm like, okay, this is nice. Also, the weather was perfect. I wasn't there in the summertime. Squirrels. All right. Watching the podcast in Austin, Bill mentions squirrels. in England. It reminded me of a story, my grandmother told me in the 70s. The red squirrels, in America, anyway, attacked the gray squirrels. My grandmother hated those red squirrels. She would yell at them for

hanging out on the bird feeders. I asked her why she hated the red squirrels. She claimed they bite the nuts off the gray squirrels, and the gray squirrels would bleed out. What a way to go. I never witnessed this acts of violence, but I always had empathy for gray squirrels and apathy for the nut-nawing red ones. Why don't you just look at that up, see if that's true? Because what I heard was we just had gray ones over here, and some fucking asshole brought them to England, and they were bigger, and they were bullying the red ones. I guess it just, wait a second, you know something? I usually don't do this, but I'm going to... I'm going to turn off airplane mode here, and I'm going to go online.

And this is going to be part of my search, thanks to you guys, or this one person. Do gray squirrels... Oh, it's already there. Bite the balls. I don't want to say nuts, because I feel like that's going to... You know, squirrels could be written as the actual fucking... acorns. Do gray squirrels bite the balls off red squirrels? What do they do if they fucking run into a woman? Squirrel, female squirrel. What do they do? Fuck it. Get their dirty gray gene flowing through

that pristine red squirrel box. There is no scientific evidence to support the claim that gray squirrels bite the testicles off red squirrels. While squirrels can be aggressive and fight over territory during breeding season causing injuries, the idea that they specifically target testicles is largely considered a persistent, unproven piece of folklore. Red squirrels are generally more aggressive, while gray squirrels are larger and tend to dominate conflicts. Oh, so red squirrels have the short man disease.

Misconceptions. Some people believe this behavior happens, but reports are anecdotal or lack of, scientific. Oh, that's about the balls thing. Actual threats. Squirrels are more often threatened by predators like hawks, owls, and coyotes. While some forum users argue for the, okay, all right. Well, there you go. Look at that. I mean, I don't know if that was true. It's the internet. There's no rules of libel or slander. But, you know, you get a gist. You get the gist of what's going on. I do know monkeys, chimpanzees, when they kill another one, they fucking rip its foot off and its balls off.

And then when they attack a human, they try to do the same thing, rip his fucking face off. It's unbelievable that Michael Jackson got the amount of work he did on his face and then had a pet chimp. You know, it's like, how much money do you have invested in your face? And that thing on a bad day is going to rip that face off. Bubeth, what are you doing? Was that what the thing's name was? Controlling water, soil, and air. Hey, Bill, you no longer have to generalize evil nerds.

Okay. I didn't know I was doing that, but that's cool. These psychos have groups and names. Okay, behold a speaker from the World Economic Forum, a group comprised of billionaires in tech and government you talk about, and government you talk about you like cattle. Do you mean who talk about you like cattle? They see things under the guise of saving the planet,

but are the owners, operators, and policymakers behind the majority of the world's pollution. They guilt the everyday citizen for living humble lives and using the necessary energy to cook food and heat their home while being the abusers themselves. This group has declared, you'll own nothing and like it. Here is an excerpt where a speaker explicitly said, water, soil, and oxygen should not be infinitely accessible. They are assets that should be included in global economic balance sheets. Jesus fucking Christ. It's unfucking believable the amount of shit I got a couple months ago for fucking making people laugh.

And this fucking, this is going on and nothing. nothing nothing where are all those pussies sanctimonious fucking comedians and bloggers now when this shit is going down

they have nothing to say nothing to say in other words let's create a system that gives the most corrupt psychotic people in the world control of natural resources they want to centralize everything

we have to reject the techno technocracy, I think is what they're trying to say. It's tech with occracy. Tonocracy. Jesus, there'll be an argument on the proper way to say that as they take the soil. We only have another decade or so before they impose it on us with force. Digital currencies and full-on authoritarian censorship of speech.

Yeah. Well, I mean, if you know a way to make people fuck and wake up and stop watching Fox News and CNN and getting mad at illegal immigrants or Chinese or Mexicans or Venezuela or Iran. I mean, I don't know. I don't know how you do it. I did have the thought the other day that like hardcore racist white people, like nobody buys the dream harder than they do.

Like the level of action that they're willing to take on the lie. that they are automatically superior because they have white skin and their inability to look up and realize that the people who told them that are the ones who are actually fucking them in the ass, not these other people. Here's a good thing. Here's a good rule of thumb. If you ask a billionaire what the problem is, whatever direction they're pointing in, look in the opposite direction.

And I think you're much more likely to find a more. logical answer as to what is going on. This is what I think. In the history of the world, there's always been these lunatics that think that they can somehow run the world. And what they don't understand is that people don't want to live like that. They don't want to be under one person's thumb. All right. it's funny because the people who want to run the world don't want to listen to anybody else,

but for some reason they can't do the math that no one else wants that either. So what always ends up happening is a group of people get together and they stop it from happening. And then the people who thought they were going to run everything end up committing suicide in a bunker or get put to death. That's usually how the fuck it goes down. And what's funny is the people that amassed to stop them. are also psychos a lot of the time. They just didn't like their cut of the deal. So every country has these crazy sociopath, dark triad fucking personalities,

makeups that run their countries, basically. And what happens is if one of them gets too powerful, the others, they get together. even if they're promised a position in it. You know what I mean? Eventually they're like, well, why the fuck am I underneath you? And then the whole thing fucking implodes. I don't know what's going to happen, but I do know this. I am not going to participate in any sort of way,

in any sort of helping way towards it as much as I can. And then secondly, I also know that like, this is the fault of our creator. He's made these people. and they're not choosing the devil. He just didn't cook them long enough in what, you know, if you believe in creationism. You know, and I think making a human being, it's like baking. Like there's a science to it.

And sometimes he just takes them out of the oven a little too fucking soon. Like I bet if a lot of these guys, like if you would have cut into Trump rather than blood, I think batter would come out. That's one of the most undercooked fucking human beings I've ever seen in my life. I mean, he is like, he's like a fucking child. I am amazed, though, how easily these fucking people can go to war. And I'm just talking about all of them. All of them. And they just go to sleep at night.

And they're just dropping bombs and shit. And it's just like, they used to fucking drop pamphlets and let citizens at least get the fuck out of there. Like, how do you go to sleep? just going, you just signed off on bombing a city and there's a bunch of people who didn't fucking do anything. Even if it's a just fucking war, the fact that you don't give them the chance,

regular people who can't pick their fucking leaders don't have a chance to see. How the fuck you can do that and just sleep like a baby? And then smile and wave, we're winning. People are calling me saying they're tired of winning. It's just like, all right. If that's how it goes, all right,

that's how the cookie crumbles. Well, that's a fucking shame. That's a goddamn shame, you know? So what's going to happen? Like, nobody's going to own a house? They're going to just figure out how to squeak. They're just going to keep raising property tax. So even if your fucking house is paid off, I don't know, whatever, whatever.

What are you going to do? You know what? I'll see you guys in a breadline someday. I'll see you a breadline or the other side of a fucking re-education camp fence. And I'll just do my jokes there. I don't give a fuck. I mean, what are I going to do? I'm a fucking stand-up comedian.

I'll just keep being a fucking asshole making jokes, and I'll just do that shit till they get fucking sick of me, and then that'll be it for me. And then they'll throw me in the ground. I'll just be part of the fucking soil that they own. Is that all right? Okay. Well, is that how it goes?

Fantastic. I don't give a fuck. What can I do? All right. And with that, that's the podcast, everybody. Thank you for listening. Thank you everybody that came out once again in Durham. I had such a great time out there.

I really did. I really did. And I love going to all of those fucking places. Once again, check out Dame's chicken and waffles, man. It was, my order was I got a waffle with the chicken cutlet, and I got the cheesy grits with it. And I am, I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about that. One of those breakfasts that stays with you.

And also, I made my first crape this week. I made my first crepe crushed it. It's not that hard. It's intimidating, but it's not that hard. It's all about, you know, you get that little fucking tch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-k. You get that knife underneath it, right? You get halfway in, and then you lift up, you pull it, and you fucking flip it over. You know?

Like, you remember when your little brother was underneath the sheets and you would slam it down real quick so the air would get underneath it. It's like that. It's like that movement. Anyway, so I did like a Nutella one with powdered sugar. And my son was eating it. My daughter wanted strawberry on top of her. So she always comes downstairs a little bit after him.

So he was eating it. And he said out loud to himself as he was eating it. He goes, best breakfast ever. That was like, yes. All right, that's it. All right, I like you guys. I'm on your side. All right.

All right, we're all in this together. Having said that, go fuck yourselves, and I'll talk to you Thursday.