Monday Morning Podcast - Health Advice, Cruise Ship Pitch, Gift Rejections | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-26-28

Episode Date: May 28, 2026

Bill rambles about health advice, a cruise ship pitch, and gift rejections.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(33:25) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 5-28-18 - Bill rambles about losing Game 7, Hollywood vanity, and Korean Foreskins.Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Sonny Rollins - There Is No Greater LoveQuo: Try Quo for free and get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to http://www.Quo.com/BURRHelix: Go to http://www.HelixSleep.com/BURR for 20% off site wideTruewerk: Get 15% off your first order at http://www.Truewerk.com/BURRFast Growing Trees: Listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchase at http://www.FastGrowingTrees.com when using the code BURR at checkoutSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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What's going in? Just checking it on you. Just checking it on you. Oh, Billy Freckles. Oh, Billy Jimrat. Oh, Billy Jimrat. Went to my gym and I just saw one of the fucking ellipticals is out of order. Now we're down to one. That's my fucking, that's my go-to. You know? I do the elliptical. That's what I do. I just like saying one. what I do in my workouts, just so everybody,

why would you do cardio? Cardio, you're actually burning muscle. And fucking shut the fuck up. I'm lifting weights. I'm eating protein. I'm doing all that today. It was my fucking, uh, my cardio day. And all, as I know, Oz, OZ,

Oz I know is when I do fucking cardio, my stomach is flatter. When I lift weights, you know, I get a little fucking swall up. And then, you know, I sit down and have breakfast. then that goes away and my belly's still there. What are you having for breakfast, man? You know, you get your abs in the kitchen.

What's up, bros? Today I'm going to show you one of my favorite recipes for a spinach-based banana fucking protein shake. It's like, bro, you're in your 20s. You could have had McDonald's at fucking 3 a.m. last night. You're still going to have a flat stomach. I had abs in my 20s. Show me somebody on the other side of a swollen,

prostate with the flat stomach and I want to know what the fuck they're eating. Sick are all these fucking youngsters. You know what? There's a lot of fat young people. Maybe that's who they're talking to. Maybe I should fucking stop listening to them. Anyway, I would like to know how to like be able to stretch my leg without getting a Charlie horse.

You got that? What are you putting that protein shake? You know, the Matt Black car is really fucking. I just saw somebody with some sort of Porsche go by. You know, it's a rap. Nobody paints a car anymore. You get a rap. So, one of those Porsche had nine something or others.

Matt Black with gold rims, you know? Just to let you know that even though they're successful, they still fucking rock out. They haven't sold out, man. Still got this fucking cough that I picked up in Atlanta, you know? I got the cruise ship cough there that came in from fucking Sweden. That seems like a Netflix series to me, huh? Take your family out on a fucking cruise ship.

Not a cruise ship, a fucking cruise ship. Like, that's the... I'll walk you through the pilot. I'll pitch this to you like... Like, I'm... I'm pitching a show. Hey, podcast listeners, what's going on? Thank you so much for your time today.

you know, it's a privilege to sit down here and give you this idea that you're then going to co-up and, you know, underpay me on. And then, like, not even pay me what you said you were going to pay me on underpaying me because all the money goes to you and then the check comes to me with your fucking name on it. And then I got to fucking audit you and you have all the corporate lawyers and you can just fucking bleed me dry. But anyways, here's the show idea. All right.

I don't know if you ever go down to the harbor. You see the cruise ships out there? You see all those fat people waddling off? You know? There's not enough macarena lines for them to fucking sweat off what they're doing in their cabins. You know? A bunch of fatties getting stuck in the fucking slide going down the pool. So anyway, this inexplicably good-looking family,

because it is a TV show, is going to go in with all of these fatties. We're going to take all the fatties that you really see. on a fucking cruise ship or we're going to replace them with young 20-something. So it actually looks like going on a cruise ship is a good fucking idea.

They go on there, you know, let's just say, you know, the married couple, they're going through something. You know, it's not, it's not, they're not in their best place. Maybe they're on the other side

of something tragic or they've just been too busy with their crew. They need to reconnect. They need to reconnect. And, you know, they get on the crew and the wife has the idea to go on a cruise ship.

And then the dad goes, a fucking cruise ship. And she goes, see, that's what I'm talking about. That right there, your negative attitude. Okay, this is why I'm feeling that you're not the person I want to go on vacation with anymore. That gets us to page 9. And on page 10, he goes, okay, I'll go on a fucking cruise with you.

There's page 10. All right, we've established the characters. We know, where they're going and we know why. Now I got to get you through Act 1, which takes you up to page 25. This is a movie. So they get on the cruise ship.

You know, the guy's fucking grumpy. He's making an effort. The kids are having fun, but they feel the tension. How many kids they got, they got two. What do they got? They got a boy and a girl. All right. We check off all the boxes.

All right, we're continuing. So, they get on the fucking cruise ship. And, you know, the kids are going off. They're fucking doing whatever. and they're trying to connect. And all of a sudden, somebody near them fucking, just starts sneezing and all of this shit as they fucking leaving on the thing there.

Away from the dock. Oh, God, this is getting bogged down. This is why you rehearse a pitch. I'll just fast forward through it. So they're on the cruise ship. They sort of have it on and off fun. It's not, it's getting fun, it's getting fun. They're getting there.

And then whatever's going on between the two of them comes to a head and they have a big fucking argument. And then all of a sudden, That's when they realize, you know, they get this announcement on the fucking the captain. Skipper! He goes, yeah, listen, somebody got bit by a rat and fucked another customer and then sneezed on the lasagna. So now everybody's got the fucking rat COVID. So we're going to pull into the dock.

We all just got to quarantine in our rooms. There's no cure for this shit. And, you know, with any luck, you won't fucking die. That is all. By the way, if you try to get off the ship, you will be shot. This crew ship used to be a whaling boat. That harpoon, it can kill a fucking whale. Imagine what it'll do to your family.

Sorry, just raising the stakes before they tell me. So then what happens is they're all in there. And they sit there for like four days. Nobody's coughing, nobody's sneezing, but people are dying. And they're looking out their little porthole, and they keep seeing people get taken off, wrapped up in their fucking bed sheets. And in that moment, of course, it's that the husband's father

There could never be the fucking wife, right? He realizes that he's been focusing too much on his career and that all he wants is to get back with his wife and be with his kids. But the first thing they got to do is get off of this fucking ship. They got to get off the ship. And this is where it becomes like, are we there yet meets John Wick.

He kills a couple of sailors. They shimmy down the fucking rope thing. Fortunately, both of their kids are fans of the Ninja Warrior series. And, you know, the mom who had an affair with her personal trainer is also in fucking shape she's able to shimmy down but the dad who's out there making all the fucking money with the belly you know he shimmies down and he's fucking hanging by one arm you know we build the fucking tension and what happens the wife goes up there and she extends her arm the same arm that grabbed that fucking personal trainer's cock

and she she reaches out what a grip and uh she fucking pulls him and they they get away and then they realize it was all some sort of sea i don't know how to land the plane here but that that's that's that's the uh that's the series hang on a second there you go and that's how it's done that's how it done and then you just do a little bit of product placement in there you know i feel like we'd have a lot of disinfectant just sort of laying around in the background and that that could uh you know get like a tax break the fact we're shooting out on a water out on a water out on a water on the water. You know, maybe,

uh, you don't know, maybe that gets us there. I don't know. Speaking of getting us there, uh, for some reason, I don't know why the NBA does it the way they do it.

Um, my good friend Paul Verzi was trying to say that the Knicks have like 10 days off. And I was like, geez, Louise Paul, what are he talking about that? That series out west is three to two. There's only two games left. How could they stretch two? That, that should,

take like three days to play four days at the most and then what they're just going to sit around for five days and i i guess that's just how it works it used to be like if both teams wrapped it up you just moved on but i think it's the tv contracts i don't fucking know anyway but uh i was talking to verzi and he was saying some shit that he somebody he respected was saying you know people keep saying the West is fucking stronger than the East and it's like that's not like that's not true like I don't know why people keep saying that he's like we played the the thunder we split with them we beat the fucking spurs we beat these teams we can beat these fucking teams well beating them in the regular season is my big a difference to fucking beating them in the fucking place well listen they've been

sweeping people so I think they're dialed in I'm very excited for that One of these years, the New York Knicks is going to win it. And I'm going to see Paul Verzi break down and cry. And it's going to be the funniest fucking thing ever because he's going to be crying and laughing at the same time. And I have to make sure I'm there. Like if the Knicks in this series get to a fucking deciding game, you know, like they could wrap it up that night.

They got three wins is what I'm trying to fucking say in the longest, slowest way possible. At the very least, I'm going to be FaceTime. I go, you don't have to talk to me. You can have your fucking moment. I just put me up on the fucking shelf next to your TV. I want to see this because I don't, nobody has put more time in rooting for that goddamn franchise than Paul Verzi. And I am the first to tell you just watching him what he goes through every year. That is one of the most thankless jobs. One of the most thankless jobs out there. You know, what's a thankless job?

Garbage collector, leaf blower, Knicks fan. That's a thankless fucking job. What a sad thing, huh? You do a job and nobody says thanks. I'll tell you what else is a fucking thankless job, helping people. No good deed goes unpunished. Oh my God, do I enjoy that one? Look at this couple.

They're both on their phone. They were walking hand in hand, and now they've decided they're going to wait for the bus. They just wake it up. he's yawning. She's standing. Right there, you can see it. She's going to outlive him. She's standing and stretching. He's fucking sitting down, legs out, phoned down by his balls, radiating his junk. This is why. This is why. She's fucking stretching her hip. She's also wearing a bright colored sweatshirt so traffic can see her. The man is dressed

blending in with the trash can. These are the things. These are the things. These are the things that you can observe and you can take them in and you can learn from them or you can choose to keep living an unexamined life. Hi, my name's Bill Burr and on my YouTube page, after I show you how to make a protein shake and pitch a terrible cruise ship rat COVID show, I'm then going to teach you how to outlive your woman. Oh, now they're both up again. They're both looking at their phones trying to figure out where they're going. Dude, just listen to her. He's smart. There you go. there you go I'll tell you what's a thankless job

being my fucking wife that's not true I thank my wife all the time for putting up with me here's one for you this week you want to have a good week as a fucking man other than watching the playoffs just get your wife flowers

for no goddamn reason at all other than to just shudder the fuck up no kidding to be nice say I appreciate it appreciate you I know I'm a lot. It's unbelievable.

It's unbelievable. But then you've done that. Now you've got to come up with something else. Now you've got to come up with something else. I got to do that right now. My wife's birthday's coming up next month and I'm like, I'm like, what do you want? She's like, I don't know.

I'm not really feeling too birthday this year. It's just like, all right, no information. I'm going to get her an experience. Gonna get out like a pottery class. You got to do that. You give them one like shit gift. You know? Like, you know, the first showcase on the price is right?

It's never as good as the second one. You give them the first, you give them a prize, like the kind of prize that's in the first showcase on the price is right, like a living room set. You don't literally get them a living room set. You just give them the equivalent of that, the excitement of that. Like, I'm not saying your wife isn't excited. to get dude that's right there it doesn't get any better than that

there's a couple walking down the street like my age they got a dog and they're both holding coffees that's it that's the shit when you're laying on your deathbed that's what the fuck you think about

how awesome it was to do that you know not how many watches you had although there might be somebody who does that just lays there in a fucking and their death what they call

the death throes and they're just talking about some Rolex presidential day date that they got man I got a lot of pussy with that watch never found love never found love

um anyway the fuck was I talking about nothing nothing as always um oh yeah Oh yeah. You gotta get them the fucking...

You gotta get them something that has to be nice enough that they think that you think that it's good enough. And then you get to watch them pretend that they're happy. You know? Because they know you can't fucking do that. Somebody can't give you a birthday gift and you can't be like, dude, what the fuck is this? Because then you're showing them who you really are, right?

I had a girlfriend do that a long fucking time ago. And I was so fucking embarrassed one of my first girlfriends but she was right you know I grew up in a overly testosterone environment so I didn't know shit

this is one of my first girlfriends and it was her birthday and I didn't know what to get her and rather than fucking asking somebody I went to the mall and I got her two polo shirts I swear to God

because she kind of wore them every once in a while you know This story is still embarrassing to me. It was just like 40 years ago. Rat COVID. So I, uh, she opened him up and she just went like, what? What is, what the fuck is this? Like, she was so excited.

I think she knew it was close. And she just started going off on me. And I just like sat down on the bed with my head down for like a second because I was so embarrassed because I also was like totally I had no confidence and my ability at that time to buy a woman something that they were going to like and she was going off on me it took me about a minute to get my self-esteem back and as I was standing up she was trying to because she realized that you know she went too hard and I think I left I think I fucking walked home um yeah so ever since then guys I've had a lot of anxiety when it comes

I'm kidding I think I know what I'm going to get her I know what I'm going to get her yeah it's going to be an experience which is great because I don't have to like go out and fucking worry about sizes and shit like that sneaking around looking inside of like

their fucking clothes and their pants you know they think you're cross-dressing it's like no I'm trying to get you a gift Jesus Christ there. All right, here we go. Oh, look who it is, everybody. It's Quo. You know, when everyone on your team

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Terms and conditions may apply. Anyways, I've been watching that Carolina Hurricanes, Montreal Canadiens series. Looks oddly familiar. It's reminding me of when my Bruins played the Sabres and Lindy Ruff figured us out. He figured us out after game two. Rod Brindamore figured out the Canadians after game one.

Some would say that they were just tired, but I don't think so. I don't think that they were ready for the speed and the level of talent that that team of the future the Canadians has. And, you know, I've been watching every game, but not like, you know, also like playing with my kids. So I haven't, well, let's be honest, I don't have the fucking hockey intelligence to know what they are doing other than the usual sound.

bites clogging up to neutral zone dropping a forward back playing a trap or a lock or whatever all I know is that the Frenchmen were flying uh in game one and after that like I don't think collectively in the last three games I would be surprised if they have 30 total shots um they just can't get a fucking shot on that and uh they're just suffocating them and even though game two and three though they did go into overtime like the canadians have been fucking playing with them so um i don't know it's one of those weird things it's like the canadians are like a player away you know people are gonna say that you like the dumb shit i was saying you need to fucking change up the lines you know the usual i think uh carolina is just a more experienced better team but uh canadians are a fucking

are gonna be a problem in the future man they're fucking good ass team as much as i hate saying that um but anyways it's looking like it's gonna i haven't last i saw vancouver i'm vancouver Vegas was up to two oh against the uh avalanche let me check that series right now i was threatening to go to the final or the final if uh the Vegas nights made it Vegas nights do you know long it took me to realize golden nights oh my god Vegas swept them Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Anyway, Vegas Knights, like because it was night in shining armor, I also did realize like N-I-G-H-T-S, like Vegas, you go out at night. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. I'm the fucking worst. I am the worst when it comes to that shit.

However, I gradually figure it out. that's kind of cool they kept it like you know just Vegas nights you can go out with your girlfriends and go see the magic mic show or go watch the people spinning around the drapes whatever the fuck that one is they listen to the Beatles um or you know you can gamble away your children's future and contemplate leaping to your death and catch an STD from a fucking and sex worker or whatever. And there's a whole bunch of things that just, no, Vegas, we'll just keep it Vegas nights.

The Vegas STDs. The marriageenders. The degenerates, the Vegas degenerates. Oh, my God, come on. Somebody's got to use that one. A roller derby team or some shit. Or what was, what's his face, his character's name in Cassidy?

James Woods. What was his character's name? Was he just a scumbag? I don't know he was a degenerate gambler. He wasn't a degenerate gambler. He was just a scumbag, right? I don't fucking know. Anyway, plowing ahead here. What do I got today? Oh, Billy's gone to the gym. Now I'm going to go get my fucking breakfast here. Congratulations to the Vegas nights. Congratulations to the New York Knicks. And Carolina Hurricanes are looking fucking good. Looking good.

We'll see. We shall see. That's all I got going on. That's all I got going on. And I'm going to be running my hour, dropping into some places because I'm getting ready. I got that big show in Providence, Rhode Island, to, no pun intended, kick off the World Cup.

I'm down there playing some. some sort of soccer venue. And, you know, that's where I started out, man. So I got to make sure I don't come back. I got to be in game shape. My act is going to be in game shape. I plan on fucking murdering that show. But anyway, I used to do,

he's still around too. John Perada. John Perrata, what's going on, brother? Listen, I got you. I got you down at Perry Winkles We used to work this place Perry Winkles for John Perrada Back in the day I'd work

Woon socket Cranston I used to for Bill Blumenreich I used to do Where's where the rich people Go down in Rhode Island Begins with an N It's right on the water

I used to go down I used to play this tent down there There against it What the fuck was it called I don't remember All I do remember is that there was no air conditioning And I would go on stage And within fucking 20 minutes

I mean It looked like I fucking jumped in a pool And um But it was a fun show though Because everything people in the crowd were hot too Um And it was also you know Beautiful place down there

Nice place to bring my lovely wife Get something to eat some seafood and some shit What the F? Newport like the cigarettes Newport I used to go down there for that and then that was later in my career and that was I opened for the late great

Charlie Murphy there with Donnell Ashy Larry Rawlings and I remember I was on stage and Bill Blumenreich was standing to my right and he had his hands on one of those barricades and he was watching me but you know

I thought he was looking at me like get off the fucking stage so I started making fun of him and I got off stage and that's when he came up to me and he told me that I was funny enough to work his room when it was down in the where the fuck was it? Fanual Hall, the original room and that was one of those big shows turned my career around and I started doing the comedy connection down there, Providence, Rhode Island, the bank, you'd sit inside the vault. There was two, there was two rooms when I used to do stand-up. There was the comedy vault,

which was an old bank that was turned into a restaurant, and downstairs, they still had the big fucking door. He would walk in like an old school one, but, dude, it looked like it was like four feet thick, round. You would walk in, and you would sit in there. That was the green room, and then he would walk on stage. It's where I put my first five minutes together. I believe Emerson College bought that building now,

so it is no longer. Anyways, that is the podcast here for Thursday. I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend and, you know, and you're nice to each other. You don't fucking cause any more goddamn arguments. It's just too much fucking arguing going on. All right, that's it. All right, have a nice weekend, you're cunts, and I'll talk to you on Monday. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 28th, May 28th, 2008. What's going on? How are? Sorry, I just had to cry it out of me. On the motorcycle. Oh, Jesus. Oh.

If only kids knew how to play basketball these days, and I'm actually talking about the Cavaliers and the Celtics. If we just played basketball in the end, if we just played basketball, we actually could have, I didn't think we'd won two games of that series. I was just like LeBron James is LeBron James. If we just fucking played,

I didn't see one pick and roll that. whole fucking game. Maybe I missed it. I mean, I was having a couple as I was sitting there just watching it. It's game seven, you know? Stressing out. I had to take the edge off there. You know, I was talking to a buddy of mine. I swear to God, if you take a fucking three-pointer

with nobody underneath and you miss, that should be in the stat sheet as a turnover. That's all I'm going to say. Jesus Christ. This is what happens when everybody in the league is a fucking one-and-done. guy. You know, they never took a physics class, or I don't know, ever fucking had a ruler and fucking measured. Dude, we would, there was like six minutes left. We're like down by, I don't know,

four, five, six, seven points. We just start taking threes. Every time we go down the court, like, like there was like five seconds left. Like the crowd was counting down. I don't know. Having said that, I got to tell you right now, LeBron James, uh, in my mind, leapfrog Kobe Bryant taking that team to the NBA finals. I just think Kobe would have been too free. He just didn't have that thing. He would just look at everybody on the bench like the bums they were and be like, what the fuck?

And would just walk into the front office and be like, I'm not playing with this shit. Get me better guys or I'm fucking leaving. That's how he got his titles. He was also a beast. You know, I'm a Celtics fan. I always have to shit on him a little bit. You know what I mean?

It's either me or Shaq. The Black Mamba. He's ice cold, except when he was crying in the front office. Jesus, Bill, can you stay on topic? Sorry, this has nothing to do with Kobe Bryant. He's one of the greatest players of all fucking time, right? I'm just a fucking butt-hurt Celtics fan right now, whose team way overachieve.

So I should be happy. But LeBron James, what the fuck that guy did? Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. Speechless. I don't know what to say. And from what I've heard, the warriors are a little banged up.

They got their game seven tonight. So, I mean, I guess, you know, as a fan of basketball and more importantly, competition, I have to root for the Cavaliers or the Houston Rockets. I mean, you just can't root for a pile-on team unless they're playing another pile-on team. Isn't that how it works? And admittedly, the Celtics had one in 2008. I didn't watch that team the whole year.

You know, I watched during the playoffs. Then we played the Lakers. And I was like, all right, our pylon team versus your pylon team. Whatever. I'll do it. But congratulations. Congratulations to the Cleveland Cavaliers, LeBron Japs, without a doubt. I mean, I mean, I would put that guy like, I don't know, it's hard.

It's hard when you start talking Oscar Robertson, Bill Russell. I don't know where the fuck he is, but he's past Kobe. In the modern era, I'd have to say that it's him and Jordan. And I know a lot of you young kids right now who didn't watch Michael Jordan. You know, you go back and you go on YouTube and you watch his highlights and that type. That guy, he literally changed the game. I can't stress that enough. like the game changed.

He didn't dominate the game the way Kobe did. He literally changed it. Like, oh, I didn't know you could fucking do that. I had no idea he could do that. My only knock against LeBron James is what he fucking blocked that shot and then just stood there basking in his own amazing, amazingness or whatever. And then the announcer, Jackson goes, every once in a while, I said something every once in a while you make a play that's so unbelievable.

You have to stand there and admire it. And I was sitting there like the oldest old man ever going like, That's what's wrong with that yolo fucking yo, I can't even believe how, I can't even believe how amazing I am. The fuck down the court, you know, you can't really say to help out your teammates. He had them all in his back, but just what the fuck was he doing back there? Standing there for like 20 minutes. Like, do you understand what that dumb look on his face? Like he just stopped a scud missile.

You blocked a shot. I don't know. I am officially, this is how old I am. Okay, this is how I was actually watching old school TV shows and like I turned in 50 next month. As much as it's fucking with me, I wouldn't change when I was born to live now as a younger person. And I'm for this simple reason that when I was a kid, this is what a theme song sounded like on a TV show. Sounds like a fucking porno. Bo don't, Paul.

That's all people playing that. Come on, get to the fucking horns. Dude, I used to be glued to the way. What the, you knew somebody was getting fucked up. Those were all fucking people. You know something after they played that theme song? They didn't stand in the studio. Admiring what the fuck they just did.

Other than that, I love LeBron James. I do. I'm just breaking his fucking balls. And I also love the city of Cleveland. And I even still love the city of Cleveland. Even after about 5,000 or 6,000 Cleveland, Cavalier fans went at me sending me fucking all kinds

of shit over social media like they weren't they didn't have a Cleveland stamer in their fucking pants whatever the fucking I hate those stupid jokes by the way you know what a dirty sandwich is no I don't and keep the joke to yourself it's all the same fuck

it's when you stick your dick and a shit and you shove it up her nose and you go God bless you but you say it in Spanish those water bubbleer jokes Those are all jokes for people who don't know how to make them move, right? You just stand there. You know what this one's called?

You're one you sticky dick and your fucking pile of cum. Oh, they give me deuce chills. I hate, I always fucking hated those jokes. Anyways, oh, my God, we used to trash Patrice when he used to do those jokes on stage. We used to have, Tres, you're doing street jokes. You're doing street jokes Anyways I'm all over the fucking map here

Sorry man I'm shaking off a game seven loss I was just psyched That we got to the Eastern Conference finals And all of a sudden's like Holy shit we could actually win this fucking thing Then I'm like And if the Warriors lose to the rockets

Who gets a fuck about the rockets We always beat the rockets in the finals We beat him in 81 and 86 We're gonna have the tri-fifes the trifector. Oh, Billy started dreaming. Anyways, Phil's Cleveland fans who were talking all this crazy shit. All right. You're lying to yourself if you forgot about that Jason Tatum dunk on LeBron James. Okay. That right there is what's known as the changing of the guard.

Okay. That was like the first time Shaq started having problems with his big toe. Like that's the beginning of the end. Okay. And a new chapter's coming in. and it's dressed in green and white. This one fucking guy, I trashed him on Twitter. He gave me some shit, and he had his stupid Cavaliers jersey, you know, and his hat on, you know, with this Game 7 look on his face, I said,

but he was wearing his seatbelt. Some Cleveland fans, when they look up in the rafters and they start counting banners, they forget that an Eastern Conference championship is not an NBA title. All right? And a division title banner. is literally, that's like, that's something you give to a millennial.

Like, all right, you did something. I don't know, I only got like five people gave me shit. Why am I doing this right now? Why am I being so childish? Oh, God, we were right fucking there. We were right there. Anyways, and I'm not going to do that dumb shit of like, so-and-so was there.

You're one fair and square. Everybody gets hurt. LeBron's hurt, right? He's probably all fucked up from carrying those people. Anyways, congratulations. That really didn't sound like a congratulatory fucking 10 minutes here. But that's what I was trying to get to. Congratulations to Cleveland.

All right. Even like Eagles fans started giving me shit. It's just like, dude, you know, are you fucking serious right now? Good Lord. Philadelphia. When did Philly ever start talking shit about sports? This is what I want all of you guys to do. What is the championship combination?

to open your city. Count your championships. Ours is 5, 6, 8, 17. Huh? That unlocks the safe and all the rings pour out. What happens in Philly? Philly is 2, 2, 3, 1. Go fuck yourselves.

You fucking green cunts. You hang around long enough. You're going to fucking win one. That was another one. This guy was giving me shit going the Celtics won like 11 championships before there was anybody. It's like, all right. Well, since then, we won six. Stop talking about the Cavaliers like they're an expansion team.

They've been in the league for almost 50 seasons. Fucking Miami each showed up in 88. I think they've won more than the Celtics. Well, they went one. They've been four. They've won four. I don't know. Why am I trashing cities?

I don't want to try. I don't give a fuck about Philly. I like Philly. I like Cleveland. I like all of this shit. I'm just fucking, you know, it still stinks that I lost. Like I said, I wish, I don't even fucking hate the Yankees anymore. You can't hate them.

They're all basically, they added one free agent other than that. It's their whole team. It's just, I think I hate the Lakers the most. Just because I live out here. You know? I'd say that was, yeah, probably just because I live out here. And then Canadian fans, but they just, you know, chasing their own fucking tails, so they don't even matter anymore.

I don't know. I guess I'm just not mad anymore. I mean, I'm still mad, but I guess it probably is childhood issues. Wow, why the fuck do I even watch sports? All right, guys, I'm going to end this podcast, and I just had an epiphany. None of this matters. Anyways, I'm fucking with you. God damn it.

Oh, God. Oh, oh, oh, game seven stink. Game seven loss stinks. It really stinks. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm not going to lie to you. I mean, I haven't watched GMB in so long. I know I watched the Celtics like all last season.

I watched them. And I just cannot get over running down the court and just fucking stopping. And your teammates haven't even settled and just pulling up and taking a three and just not getting yanked out of the fucking game. The only thing that makes that okay is the other teams are doing it too. It's like watching this high-skilled game at the YMCA. You know, there's no plays. Everybody just met each other. You know, you just fucking

You're out there trying to burn calories. All right, Bill, let it go. Okay, I'll let it go. I'll let it go. How badass is that fucking theme song? It's from the streets of San Francisco, by the way. I've been trying to find the original one, but the best I can find is the Henry Mancini version of it.

That was the heyday of the white cop chasing the minority actor down the street and the only role that he was going to get that decade, you know? They should go back and they should do a documentary on all those fucking guys, you know? Like, who has the record? Like, what black actor in the 70s had the record for the most times he did a scene where he was running down an alley being chased by the cops,

you know, and you get to the fence? That's the scene I always wanted to do. You get to the chain-lint fence and you get like, you know, a couple of rungs up and then they grab you back. You're like, no. They fucking drag you off. Where you going, freckles? You in a hurry or something?

I'm sorry, man. I just, not going nowhere. Anyways, congratulations. Another congratulations. I'm just being, this is me in a very generous, thankful mood. It's Memorial Day, right? Thanking the troops, people that made the ultimate sacrifice. you know, it's a bit of a drop off to thank a fucking professional basketball team after you thank the troops.

But, you know, congratulations to Daniel Ricardo, winning his first Formula One race in Monaco. How about that? That's the race I want to go to, and it's probably the most boring F1 race, because that race is all about qualifying. That's the race. Whoever fucking wins the pole position. I mean, they're racing in those little ass. fucking streets. You know what I mean? You know why those streets are so small over there? It's not because the city's so old and used to just ride a horse down it. It's because that's a sovereign city,

and that's Illuminati money. And they like their bitch is skinny. They like them young and thin. Okay. So that's their locked door test. If they can walk down the street without their hips touch in either building, then they'll have their current wife disposed of. I think that's what they do. And then they stay young. Evidently, somebody sent me this fucking thing in here. I think this is how they stay young. Somebody wrote to me, said, four skin injections. Yo, Bill, what gives in Hollywood? My girlfriend showed me a video of an actress on Ellen talking about injecting four skin cells imported from Korea, Korean circumcisions, sorry, into her face to look young. Get out of there, Bill.

We can't have you injecting dick skin into your face for rolls. The fuck's going on. What do you mean what the fuck is going on? We are the leaders of how to stay young out here in Hollywood. Okay? What do you think your Rogaine came from? What do you think your Grecian formula is going to come from? What do you think all your workouts come from?

They come from Hollywood. all your fad diets that's us okay we came up with all of that you know why because you cunts are always trashing us you hold us to a higher standard okay you look to us to see what the future of vanity is you look to us to make it okay okay Botox started out here now look it's all over the country you're all fucking doing it all these real fucking housewives huh you all made fun of us And so now look at you. You're all on steroids. You're getting the fucking good hair plugs.

Because people out here in Hollywood, you know, had the decency to stick those ant legs into their fucking heads. To let these doctors make mistakes with their own face until it becomes safe enough that you can sneak into some fucking back alley and get the same procedure done to you when you start getting your mantis. All right, sir. How dare you make fun of Hollywood? thanks to our self-involvement,

you'll be able to wear a tank top well into your 60s. You're welcome, sir. I mean, I don't know who's more fucking arrogant. Cleveland Cavalier fans talking shit like they own the NBA when all they ever do is show up in the finals

to be the Washington generals to whoever the fuck they're playing. Except that won you when they won. Or, you regular fucking people who sit there And these fucking celebrities, they need to be taken down a peg and yada, yada, yada, fucking yada. Let me tell you something there, grill master. You too, they're a foreman grill or whatever type of fucking cookery you have in your goddamn kitchen.

Huh? With your little fucking makeover in your sad little fucking house. You know, and then you turn on the TV to see what a dream looks like. And who's standing there? Me and my bald fucking head. By the way, I'm not going to lie to you guys. For my 50th birthday, I think I'm going to give myself hair plugs. I think I've earned them.

Okay? I'd like to brush my teeth, you know, and not stare at the sink. Okay? I would like to look up and see something that I like. And, you know, I just want to live my truth. You know, that's all that I'm doing. And, hey, you know, if hair plugs are going to make me feel better, then I say I should do it.

And you know something? I think it's time that I gave myself permission to look sexy again. Why in the fuck would you ever? Like, I could see if you had American four skin cells. All right. But like, why would you get four skin cells imported from a country that were really not getting along with, at least not half of it? you know why don't you just get your botox from china it's probably where it's from right sad made from china

sad um yeah people are out of their fucking minds i i am doing my damnedest to stay in shape but i'm going to age fucking naturally that's it you know i mean other than the i got a vericose vein in my left leg you know it looks like a goddamn roadmap to fucking albuquerque you know i might get that taken out at some point i keep meaning to get around to it but i never wear shorts you know because I respect people you know all these fatties out there wearing half shirts acting like they're brave you're not you're disgusting and everybody should point at you like we're an invasion of the body snatchers okay I don't care that you're fat but you know you put on put on a whole shirt maybe it is a whole shirt maybe you just ate so much that now we can see your belly again you know

like you ever see a woman with big tits wearing a half shirt and then when you turn around to look at her it goes all the way down to her ass in the back and it's like oh that's not a half shirt she just has giant tits. She can't help it. She can't help it. It's not her fault. Anyways, I took my daughter. We went out for a walk today. We went up, we went on a hike. And, you know, I was pushing the stroller the whole way up. What a great workout, man. You go up the fucking hills pushing a stroller. You know, I figure that's an extra 25 pounds right there. Just pushing it up, pushing it up the goddamn hill. I saw this guy

hiking with his daughter and his son as they got a little older. I thought it was really cool. I was like, man, I'd love to do that someday. You know, although his son was still wearing his pajamas. I was just like, come on, man, you got to tell him put his clothes on. But then I was thinking like,

yeah, I leave my favorite pajamas. And I would have cave too. All right, all right. All right, son. No, I wouldn't. And I'd be like, all right, well, you wear him in the house. But I don't want to wear him.

All right. We're not going hiking. Oh, dear, I hate you. Well, join the club, son. Join the club. I really don't even know what the fuck I've been talking about. I'm just trying to fill up time here. That's all I do here in this podcast.

If you're new to it, I'll tell you right now, I've never been so offended in my life that someone actually has the audacity to make fun of the vanity of Hollywood and the Boston Celtics. from two of the most simple combination championship combination cities ever what is Cleveland Cleveland is zero the Indians won in 48 I'll throw another one in there I mean they're like zero one two you know

when it comes to championships I swear to God there should be a Fisher price tag hanging off the ones in Cleveland I'm saying your children when it comes to success Oh, Bill. Why would you go back into that bucket of hate? Because it's fine. I must use the line from Brett Donne. It keeps me warm.

All that hate's going to burn you up. Keeps me warm. Powers Booth. Was it Powers Booth? Was Power's Booth in that thing? What a fucking name, huh? Powers Booth. You guys see Morgan Freeman gotten a little bit of trouble this week?

You know, nobody said how fucking cool it is that an 80-year-old guy can still fuck. You know what I mean? I mean, why can't we look at the bright side of sexual harassment? Plus, he's 80. I mean, what do you think he's going to do? I mean, you stop listening to music a couple years after high school. You get married, you have a kid. You don't know what the fuck's going on.

This guy doesn't know what's going on. What are you going to do next? Make fun of the playlist on his flip phone? He's in his fucking 80s. Oh, my God, I was so afraid. I was so afraid when that guy pushing 100. that clip where he was saying, I wish I was there, I thought he was making fun of Michael Cain,

going, I wish I was there when you stuck your foot in your mouth saying, are you pregnant and the woman wasn't? That's how I took it. I have no idea, but what would I know? What would I know about male and female relationships? Okay, what the fuck would I know? What was I looking up again? Okay, Cleveland, the Cleveland Indians.

This is such a cunty thing to do after they just had success to talk. about their entire pastures but this is all I got this is you what you listen to is a sad pathetic man taking swings at people who are no longer in the room they've moved on Cleveland Indians I want to I want to coin that what is the what is your your combination what Cleveland Indians world series championships and I put it plural out of respect World Series titles two so they got two world series, one NBA, zero Super Bowls, and we'll give them the fucking Columbus Blue Jackets with zero Stanley Cup. So the combination to Cleveland is zero, zero one, two. All right? Do you understand

we've won more Super Bowls than you have? Why am I doing this? This is so, because it's fun. I'm not doing it to all Cleveland. I'm just doing it to the fucking, how do you only went two Super Bowl, I mean, two World Series, and you have like 58 retired numbers? What did you retire the numbers for having to fucking jumping on the grenade and joining that franchise oh bill i like the cleveland indians you know it really is i kind of just had a great weekend and i don't really have anything to talk about um oh by the way did anybody see the highlight i i don't know what i did i tried to favorite the thing on on uh my instagram page which by the way i i suck at it like i'm not making these stupid videos going like hey man i'm in the grocery store what the fuck's up with cantaloupe

check me out at the San Jose Improv. Did you see that fucking guy, Moto GP race with that fucking guy? I can't even describe what. Basically, they're all coming around the corner. They're all two inches from each other. One guy wipes out, okay? And his bike lands perpendicular to the guy behind him.

All right? And the guy just hits the gas and drives up over it, like a fucking stuntman. He's going 100-something miles an hour. He goes flying through the fucking air and then lands on gravel and somehow saves it and doesn't go down and continues on. Oh, and by the way, like his airbag popped. I don't know if you ever seen those guys when they get off the bikes after they wipe out, their arms looking weird like they're in these weird.

You know when somebody gets knocked out and their arms kind of go doing, they kind of stick out? They do that a little bit. I'm guessing that's because the airbag popped. and they can't bring their arms back down. This guy's airbag popped, making him less aerodynamic. He continued to ride the race. I mean, he's just fucking, it's badass. Badass.

You know what I miss? I miss the fucking Indy 500 after interviewing Danica Patrick, who, by the way, was so fucking badass. And I think it's really cool that she's retiring. You know, retire. Well, you still have some years left. You know, it doesn't look, you know, you don't want to limit. out of the league like fucking, you know, Brett Farr, you know.

I don't really think of those last few years, but it's just like, dude, you're in there. You're a Hall of Fame. You're one of the greatest ever. What are you doing? You want to get out before then. And then she also had like a vineyard or something like that. It's really, that's the way to do it. That's the way to get out of showbiz.

You know, I think the Smothers Brothers did that. Like, they didn't even announce their retirement. From what I heard, I was working in Vegas. They did their last show at the Orleans Casino. Didn't say it was their last show, just said, thank you, good night, and just fucking retired to their vineyard. How fucking, I mean, that is, that's, that's it. Like when Jordan hit that last shot as a bull.

Some other brothers didn't come back to play for the fucking wizards. All right. So Celtics lost at game seven, and I am in the last days of my first days of my, 40s. I am basically sitting here with a bottle of tampons and some Kleenex. This is, this is the end of it, man. You know? I mean, Jesus, I look really good for fucking 50. I'm not going to lie, but I'm going to tell you right now, nobody looks good at 60. Okay, I don't give a fuck what you do. When you're 60, you're 60. And that's not true. Kenny Aronoff did my podcast. He looked fucking unbelievable. And he was a little north of 60. All right. That's it. Kenny Aaronoff's now the guy I'm looking at. All right? The day that guy falls off, whatever fucking year that is, I'm going to be like,

now that's officially you're fucking old. Right. There you go. Um, anyways, let me, let me read a little bit of advertising here. Fucking all over the goddamn man. Oh, look who it is. All right. Podcast is going to be a little, short this week, everybody. You know, it's going to be just like that guy in taxi. You know, and what is the fucking show there? The fucking, it's always sunny in Philadelphia. Spacing on the guy's name.

He was also in one flu of the cuckoo's nest. He was in kindergarten cop. No, he wasn't. He was in Twins. He was in romancing the Stone, I think. Keep thinking, Alan Alder. Fuck, he got drunk on that talk show. It was hilarious.

Louis DePon. You know what I'm talking about. Anyways. All right, I already read the four skin injection. Wine country advice. A, Billy Barolo, breath. Heard you talking to Dan and Capacacacac about why. You said you and Nia want to do a wine country trip. Thought I give you some ideas. I grow grapes and make wine for a small producer in Sonoma County and have been in the wine industry for 10 years. All right, you have established credibility. Why can't you just tell me where the fuck to go rather than reading your entire resume, you self-involved jackass. How soon before this guy has fucking Korean foreskin cells injected into his fucking gray teeth?

Make his teeth white again after all that Merlot. I am not drinking Merlot. I guess that fucked up the whole Merlot industry. I like Merlot. First of all, don't do Napa. It's douchy as fuck. Honestly, you only need to drive a couple hours into Santa Wines Valley for an awesome weekend of wine tasting. They have all kinds of great wines there.

But if you guys do want to come all the way up to the, quote, real wine country, I really do think Sonoma County is better than Napa County. The mistake people make is going to the actual town of Sonoma, which is boring and pretty shitty. The move is to stay in hell. Dude, you're hooking me up. Heldsburg, which is in northern Sonoma County, shitloads of excellent tasting rooms and restaurants just walking around town, plus tons of other wineries nearby to drive to slash hire a car. Napa is only an hour away at most,

so you could always cruise over there for a day. If there are some specific Napa wineries you want to check out, okay, if there's some specific ones you want to check out, but seriously, fuck Napa, blown up. Way overpriced wine, most of them, which aren't great. And they can't even grow Pino-No-Noer over there. It's too hot. And Pino is the best wine there is once you learn to notice and appreciate the little details.

Bonus fact. Les Claypool has a winery here. He makes Pino because he knows what's up. I fucking love Les Claypool. Shee, baby, do you want to fucking drink wine with me? Other football leagues. Well, thank you, sir. I'm going to fucking copy and paste that and send that to my hat.

and see what she says. Our other football leagues. Hey, William Shivers! Just want, oh, you know what? I missed the Liverpool Cup final. I'll have to catch their next game, next season, evidently. I don't even know who won. I would think Liverpool won.

I lost because I didn't get any fucking, hey, dude, I hope you watched. Your adopted team won. Liverpool Cup final Oh geez against Madrid Where the fuck is it over here Why is my cable so slow Not cable, my internet Come on you fuckos

Come on Come on Why? Why? I don't fucking know Well you know what My computer is allergic to soccer Uh okay Other football leagues Hey William Shivers

Was wondering since Johnny Mansell has made the switch if you'll ever watch any CFL. I love the CFL. CFL is so fucking underrated. CFL is better than college football. That's a bunch of college all-stars that weren't quite good enough to make it to the NFL. But would whip any college football team. Bigger field.

It's exciting. I don't even know what the fuck's going on. And there's only like six teams, right? The Edmonton Eskimos. They're like your Washington Redskins, right? Are they getting pressure to change that name? the Calgary rough riders, the BC Eagles. Oh, it's a Calgary Stampede, right?

Isn't it? The Winnipeg nostril stickers. Something like that. Something about the cold weather out there. I don't fucking know. Oh, by the way, tonight's the first night of the Stanley Cup finals. Right? Stanley Cup final.

Not the NBA finals. Stanley Cup final. And congratulations to the fucking Vegas nights and the Washington Capitol. That's going to be exciting to see either team win. But I'm really pulling for the Capitals. I'm a big fan of fucking, what's his face there? Vetchkin. You know, Russian players get a bad name in the NHL.

Because I guess a number of them could give a fuck about winning a Stanley Cup. Who was that guy that signed, you know, was fucking amazing. Played for the Atlanta Thrashers, got a giant contract with New Jersey. He was just like, yeah, you know, I just don't give a fuck. And he left. went back to play hockey in Russia. Like the Stanley Cup does, like that's the stereotype that it doesn't mean shit to these guys. All right?

So guys like, you know, Malkin and Ovechkin got to bear the, carry a load of these other Russian cunts that I guess didn't give a shit. So I'm rooting for that guy. You know, Trump probably wouldn't like it that I'm rooting for a Russian, but I want to see him, I want to see him win one. We should, we shall see. But what's his face? Vince Neal. Montley crew, one of my favorite groups of all time. He's out in Vegas, and he's become a big fucking Vegas nights fan.

So no matter what, I'm going to be happy. Whoever wins. Anyways, other football leagues, I would absolutely watch the CFL. The biggest difference is our field is longer, long and wider with bigger end zones, and field goal posts are on the goal line. We also function on a three-down system. I'm probably a poor source for the rules But hey, I'm just some jackass right near the podcast

Well, let me know when it starts. P.S., you should see a Saskatchewan Rough Riders game. We are considered one of the best football fan bases around And do a show in Saskatoon While you're at it. Go fuck yourself and have a lovely day. I did a show. That's how I know you guys go, dude.

I did a show in Saskatchewan. I did one in Saskatoon and Regina. the city that rhymes with fun. I never need to hear that again. I'll definitely be back. It's fucking God's country up there. And you can see the Northern Lights like all year round. Boyfriend found out I cheated on my ex-husband.

Oh, boy. Billy Babushka lips. What the fuck is Babushka? I got to look that up. Liverpool Quest for Glory ends in tears as Gareth Bale Wondergold breaks heart. Oh, no. Well, I had enough sports pain for the fucking weekend.

What happened? I'm clicking on the link. Why won't you do anything? All right. What was I looking at? Babushka. That's one of my favorite words of all time. I don't even know what it means. Oh, Billy Babushka.

If I was a wrestling manager, that would be my name. All right. Should I end my relationship? My boyfriend of a year and a half found out I cheated on my ex-husband. He's not being a huge dick about it, just passive-aggressive whenever shit goes down, which is not too often. He's a little on the sensitive side, but until he found out about my past, that's what I liked about him. He's a math computer guy, not an alpha male. Well, you know, you get what you pay for, sweetheart.

He does not care what people think about him, and he has a unique sense of humor. his family definitely has mental issues his dad refused to stay on dialysis and died when he was in high school and two older brothers off themselves when he was a sophomore and a senior in college jesus fucking christ you dating the hammingways here i'm in my my mid thirties and have a good job he's two years older and has a great job owns a house in a good neighborhood no kids involved Our relationship is the best I've ever had. I feel a lot of love recently, though, after he found out I sense a lapse. He never wants to talk about it.

I can never imagine myself cheating again. I got married to my ex too young, but now that my baby making years are coming to an end, I don't know what to do. Should I stick around to see if we get back to where we were or move on? Go drink yourself. Yeah, I don't fuck. You know, I don't know. I don't know.

Just be like, look, are you ever going to be able to get, just ask him, are you going to be able to get past this? You know, here's the thing. You know, you did do it, so he gives you shit. You kind of got to roll with it, I guess. I give it a fuck, yeah. I just roll with it for a little bit and just see a full fucking sensitive sensitive censor there.

I don't, people always say that. If you fucking cheat, you're going to cheat again. I don't know. It all depends on where you are in your life. Who the fuck you're with? I don't know about that one. Has there been a study on that? I have no idea.

I honestly don't know what to tell you, man. Maybe you could turn it into some sort of math joke. Dating older women. Dear Billy Blue Balls, my name is Prince. I am 23 and about to be 20. 24 in about a month. I'm in a relationship with a 44-year-old woman. Yeah, this is easy.

Get the fuck out of it. You're not in a relationship. You're banging a 44-year-old woman. Now, I know what you are thinking. Mommy issues much? No, and I don't end fucking sentences with the word much. Nonetheless, I just said, hey, that's too much. I don't know.

There's some fucking... I hate that. Something, something much? what else the one I hate? So and so, and then something in quotes. Me, something in quotes. And you're always the cool fucking person. Bill, you're old.

Get over it. People talk differently now. All right. Remember when you were young and everybody would yell, not. You didn't think that was annoying to older people. All right, you got me. Now I know what you are thinking. Okay, now I know what you're thinking, mommy issues much.

Yeah, that is part of the reason I am with her, if I'm being honest. Well, there you go. Gotta love honesty. We have been dating for about five months now and things are good, but there are things that irritate the hell out of me. What, her fucking silver pubic hair? Like she thinks some of my views on life and other things are odd. I honestly just think it's because she grew up in a totally different time.

Yeah, it's called a generation gap. If you get your face out of her gap and look at the fucking calendar, sorry. We have been dating for about five months now and things are good. No, they're not, but there are things that irritate. Okay, I read this. They're not good, sir. You need to get the fuck out of this. This is not going to end well.

At some point, you're going to want to have a kid. All right? And her vagina is going to be in a fucking museum. Anyways, where the fuck was I? Something that's different time than me, but some of it is that she isn't into science. Well, she better. be if she's going to try to keep herself young.

Like we got into an argument about high fructose corn syrup because she said it's only sugar until I proved to her that it's not just sugar. And she thinks, that's not really science. I thought you were into science. You're just reading facts that scientists figured out. That's not science. Right? I mean, I could, I mean, the fact that I could look that up and just go, here it is,

that's not scientist. If I can figure it out, it's not science, sir. and she thinks my fear of chemicals in our food is odd as well. It's hard being with someone that doesn't get me. Another thing in a black male, oh, I'm a black male and she's a white female, so she doesn't really understand how it is to be a black man in this day. And Jesus, fucking Christ, sir. How many red flags do you need?

You know, and she got fired from the police department. for dropping the N word. Other than that, I think I really like her. Sir, what the fuck are you doing? I'm going to keep going here. And to jump top, uh, end a jump topic, uh, sex with her is good, but it's like we only have sex once in a, and it sucks. She says, it's because I leave her too sore.

Okay, I'm not. I leave her too sore. You know, is there anything worse than a big fucking dick, nincom poop? I can't fuck it. I know. What am I supposed to do with you, sir? You and your porno cock need to fucking date somebody, you know, from, she's almost twice your age. And she listens to Cartier.

This is such a fucked up email. I don't believe it. I'm calling bullshit on that one. You kind of did a slow roll on me. You had me, you had me, you had me, and then you said, and I'm black. And I got a big dick. And she's so. I don't believe it.

I don't believe it. maybe it's true he goes i want to have excitement and shit in our relationship and she just doesn't bring that to the table i like her a lot and we watch documentaries together i'm sure does she fall asleep halfway through it like i do um anyways all right okay and she has a venereal disease but you know other than that you know we laugh a lot oh fuck all right do we have anything else here is there anything else that that needs to be discussed other than why is my computer that i got kicked offline you know and now it'd be funny if i never got to the internet again and the last thing i did was i looked up babushka all right people it's memorial day who's kidding who you're not fucking

working today either all right i have to go to a picnic a kid picnic and i can't wait you know what I actually got a great book here. It says 88 great daddy daughter dates. I think I'm going to do most of these. You know, I got all these books, you know. A dad's prayer for his daughter's daughter? That's fucking weird. Strong fathers, strong daughters.

Ten secrets every father should know. All right, let's read a little bit of this. Let's see how much of this I agree. Protect her, defend her. Okay. She needs, oh my God. How this is like, all right, how dumb would you have to be to read this fucking book? Okay, one, you are the most important man in her life.

Chapter two, she needs a hero. Chapter three, you are her first love. Chapter four, teacher humility. Oh, she shouldn't stand there like LeBron James after he just blocked a shot. Protect her, defend her, and use a shotgun if necessary. Pragmatism and grit, your two greatest. I'll read that chapter because I don't know what either one of those means. I know one of them was a John Wayne movie.

Be the man you want her to marry. Gross. Teacher who God is. Gross. Teacher to fight. That's right. There you go. Keep her connected. Afterword. Acknowledgements. Bibliography. Notes. Index. I don't know what those last chapters were about.

Let's see. Let's read the chapter. We'll start with index here. Let's see what the hell I'm supposed to tell my daughter. A, abortion, 12, abstinence, comma, 113-114. This doesn't make any sense. Ad Health Study, ADHD, advertising, African Americans. This book is all over the place. African Americans, and that says depression and STDs. AIDS.

Why did you have to drag black people into this? Alcohol. This is a weird chapter. I don't think I like this book. I don't know who wrote. Anyways. Oh, fucking Billy Burger Face is going to go fucking turn on the grill. Make a few here. This is one of my last podcasts in my 40s. This is so stupid.

I'm turning 50. I'm not going to feel any fucking differently. I'm definitely going to try to eat. better. And I've been doing that for the last three months. And I was FaceTime with somebody and they were like, have you lost weight? And I was like, nah, not really. Yes. Woo! I was excited. So anyways, I think that's it, right? Anything I'm doing a drum, do my double bass drum. It's coming along. It's coming along. You know, working on that song, Ia the beholder. I have the beholder. Aya the beholder, little Metallica. Oh, and I played streets of San Francisco. It's all there and All right, this is, this is it. I'm done. I'm not going to just fucking meander for another fucking six minutes just to say I did it. Once again, I apologize to everybody in Cleveland and in Philly for being a cunt.

All right, you won a Super Bowl. Congratulations. You go in the NBA finals. Congratulations. I hope you fucking cheese steaks and whatever the fuck it is, you guys eat there in Cleveland. I hope they taste extra better today, extra special. All right? I'm off to watch some baseball.