Monday Morning Podcast - Hockey, Heroine, Grandmother | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-5-25

Episode Date: June 5, 2025

Bill rambles about hockey, heroine on the streets, and his grandmother. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (34:02) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 6-5-17 - Bill rambles about Clusterfest,  pile on teams, and medical students. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Squirrel Nut Zippers - Hell  Helix:  Go to www.HelixSleep.com/BURR for 27% of site wide for Monday Morning Podcast listeners.  SquareSpace:  Check out www.squarespace.com/BURR or a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: (BURR) to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in, checking in on you. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Billy Freckles, I just wolfed down a breakfast. So I apologize if my stomach rumblings. I didn't eat for like 12 hours and then I just, I made myself my favorite breakfast, which is basically scrambled eggs, cheesy scrambled eggs with chives, burned up bacon and a cup of coffee.

No toast, no fucking potatoes, none of that shit. If I had an avocado, slice it up raw on the side. I fan it out like a deck of cards, you know, I like to treat myself every once in a while. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I watched game one of the Stanley Cup final last night. Put it on the third, you know, I had the gig last night. Glenn Gary, Glen Ross. So I was able to watch like, I think I got 10 minutes left

in the third period. It was already tied up three to three. I know Edmonton scored first and then Florida seemed to go ahead and I think they were up three to two and then Edmonton scored the tie. And then it goes into overtime and I was like, I got a bad feeling this is gonna be some double overtime fucking thing. And you know, the second they get in overtime, nobody wants to make a mistake. So they play like, you know, really safe hockey.

And then it's like, they're like, triple fucking overtime, unbelievable. It's triple overtime because everybody's so afraid to make a mistake. Well, somebody finally made a mistake on the Panthers, was clearing the puck out of his own end and it went to the crowd, got to delay a game. So Florida had four guys on the ice, obviously. And, um, somebody made an incredible move, like half wall, as Jack Edwards would say. And then I think it might have been McDavid.

I don't think it was. They passed to McDavid and then just a perfect saucer pass over to Leon Dreisaitl. Top, oh, is it top? How do you look at the net? Is it house right or is it stage left? If you're facing the goal. I was very, very happy because I felt like whoever won game one was going to win the series.

Well, no, I shouldn't say I feel like if Edmonton is going to win the series, they had to win game one. Because the Florida Panthers are absolutely fucking relentless so you need them to be chasing you you can't have them out front they just have too much playoff experience they got too many guys that have their name on the cup I just really thought it was super important for them to win game one I got put on the AC it's like fucking 90 degrees here in the city. You know, they already won the cup last year and then they added Brad Marsham, who's also fucking relentless.

And I just thought it was super important for them to win that game one. I feel like if Florida wins game one, no way Edmonton beats him. I just don't think they do. I just think they're just too experienced. And I mean, shit, we were up three games to one against that fucking team and they came back and beat us. Yeah, so anyway, congratulations. So I'm sort of torn here.

Like, this is the deal. I want to see Edmonton win Because I want to see Canada get the cup and I also love those Edmonton teams when I was growing up And then I want to see Brad Marshawn Get his name on the cup. So either way whoever wins, I'll be happy but still I don't like the Panthers. I Just don't like them. I Respect them. I just don't I don't like them. I respect him. I just don't, I don't like him. I still got too many, my emotions are still too close to the surface to root for that

fucking team. But I do root for Marshawn. He had a goal last night, of course. The guy fucking delivers. So that's where I am with that. And I'm guessing that the NBA Finals, it's the Stanley Cup Final and the NBA Finals. It's the Stanley Cup Final in the NBA Finals. I think that starts tonight and I don't know, from what I'm hearing from people, it's not going to be much of a much of a fucking series. I don't know. I don't think that's going to be the case. We'll see.

We shall see. And with that, I am in the final month of Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. I can't think that's going to be the case. We'll see. We shall see. And with that, I am in the final month of Glenn Gary Glenn Ross. I can't believe it. This Saturday, I'll only have three weeks of shows left. And we're still having so much fun. And, you know, someday I'll tell you guys some stories. As I've said, I've said before, I can't remember if I already said this on this podcast, because I had to start it and stop it. I can't remember if I told you this, but yeah, we there's the show we're giving you and then there's at this point, the show we're doing for each other trying to make each other laugh and it's been such a great time and you know people keep asking me hey you're gonna do Broadway again and I would absolutely love to do it but my fear is I kind of there's no

way it's gonna be it's no way it's gonna be better than this. Because this cast, everybody is just, everybody is fucking cool, and we're all laughing, all hanging out. The camaraderie, the vibe, and it just, it's everybody, the people that work with the cast, you know, the union guys, everybody, we're just all vibing and

and also we're at the Palace Theatre, which they raised up. So the dressing rooms are all brand new. And I visited some friends that are working in these old theatres on Broadway. And it's like, you know, I got a friend of mine's working in an old moldy theater. There's like mold in the theater. Like the level that they treat these performers in some of these theaters, these old ass theaters, and I don't know who the hell owns them. I don't know what the fuck they're doing.

But you know, they could sweep up a little bit, put it that way. So we're in like the newest theater, I feel, in humane conditions and everybody's fucking cool. And it's a quick play and it's like sort of the perfect part for me to play, so I'm kind of nervous about doing it again. But I will definitely do it again. I got the bug and the right thing comes along and enough time in the future or whatever and I

can figure out a better way to do it with my family I would 100% do it again yeah it's been a been a great time so anyway with that and with that MotoGP comes back this weekend very excited it's been a weird couple of races With the rain in France and the restart in England Which is good because it kind of like leveled it out like Mark Marquez is in striking distance of points with Mark Marquez Mark Marquez was looking like he was gonna win every fucking race and then all of a sudden, you know Marques was looking like he was gonna win every fucking race and then all of a sudden, you know The season starts going and all of a sudden, you know, it's it's not a done fucking deal there

I Took a day for me today. I finally got him. I got my first massage since I don't know like a year and I Finally went cuz I was walking down the street and I had to keep stopping and stretching. I felt like my Achilles was going to snap. And I got all the old man shit here. I got, what do you need, foam roller, the little fucking Theragun, you want the fucking massage balls. You want some massage balls up against the wall, on the

floor, lacrosse ball for your cap. I got the whole fucking thing going on and it's still... tight as a drum. So, um... I went and got some work done on me. I feel really good and I gotta go take the Epsom salt bath. But I gotta tell you, as fucking being an old man, you know... stretching, continuing to work out and

Epsom salt baths and I kind of forgot about the massage you got to do that shit you know listen to me I get one massage and all of a sudden giving you guys fucking health tips I'm just saying I feel better I feel better I had a little little little fucking spring in my step going down the goddamn street there. Um... Jesus, this city's getting fucking wild. It's still cool, but it's getting wild. Like, I was hanging with a friend of mine, was sitting at a coffee shop, and then like, ten feet down is some guy with his pants down shooting heroin into the outside of his calf.

And I was like, wow. is some guy with his pants down shooting heroin into the outside of his calf. And I was like, wow. You know, there's a lot of fucking older people out there going like, you know what, the 90s, you missed it. You didn't grow up in the 90s. The 90s was just the best decade. That took me back to the 90s. That's when people forget, you know. You're just looking... you're just glorifying it. The 90s were not awesome. You were young. That's what it was.

There was people the age you are now, in the 90s going, what in the fuck has happened to the world? And they were going like, oh my God, the 1950s, you fucking missed it. Nobody's missing anything. You're just old now. So that shit, that was when I first moved to New York City. It was Wu Tang, it was the Fugees,

it was fucking people nodding off on heroin, and it was Rudy Giuliani coming in being like we're gonna fucking make this city white and safe again. Times Square is gonna be corporate white safe again. Yeah, he just whited it up. And you know, they never did anything about the problems. They just removed the problems I don't know where all of those people went, but I don't think if You know you put a Disney store in Times Square that person isn't addicted to heroin anymore. I don't know how it works

But anyway Still good coffee It's definitely still good coffee. Yeah, but yeah, old New York's coming back. You know, I'm fucking having to step over people coming down my stairs, out of the building, you know, people gathering themselves, people just hanging out. I will say the level of fucking like weed use in New York City is insane at all hours of the day. And the, all these different ways that you can consume or ingest weed,

um, that are odorless, like gummies, oils, put putting it into food and all of this stuff. And like, you know, I go to the big gay gym in the morning and then I hit my coffee shop 10, 30, 11. And I walked down the street 10, 30, 11 on a weekday and I'm smelling weed everywhere. But nobody seems to care because that's just the people smoking it.

Forget about somebody that's like micro dososing or doing whatever these fucking things are. You know, I think it's safe to say that weed is very addictive. Like I would say if you are functioning in society and it's 11 in the morning on a fucking Tuesday and you are just fucking smoking weed. You have some sort of issue, right? For people who smoke weed. No, man, I just took a couple of hits. I get a nice little fucking, you know, then I can kind of deal with my day and you know, I just kind of, you know, man, you know, right?

But if you were sitting there and you had like those little fucking nips, I think I talked about this last podcast, if you had one of these fucking little nips, people would be checking in on you like, dude, I think you got a problem, man. Hey, there's nothing worry, you know, nothing wrong with cutting loose on the weekends having a couple of beers, you know, three, four beer. As that guy in Canada said, you know, one, one, one, two drinks a week. What's that going to do for you? You know, I think if you're home by yourself, you know, I think there's nothing wrong with having Sometimes I'll have like five or six beer. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe and uh after my shoes but i definitely want to watch this nhl series man the stanley cup final i i just got a feeling i just felt like it was uh edmonton's time um so but we shall see we shall

see oh we shall fucking she um speaking of which when i was going to my massage today, I didn't go to my usual coffee shop. There was one up the street that I wanted to try. And there was always a line there and everything. And then I went in and it blew my mind, right? There was like coffee that they had like a large and small latte large and small fucking cappuccino all I see is plastic cups, and I'm like this place sucks Because that's my thing. I need real glasses and there's only one size

There's no such thing as a large cappuccino You know there's no such thing as a large cappuccino. You know, there's no such thing that is some American shit. If you go to the fucking coffee chat, they tell you what it is. Everything gets fucking supersized over here. Why is that? Do you realize how fucked up this country is this country tries to make its its own people sick so it can make money off of them. It's fucking unbelievable. I'm seeing all of this shit about like seed oils and all of this stuff and how they paid off the fucking American Heart Association to look the other fucking way so they could

point and then like heart disease was not a fucking problem according to fucking Instagram. I don't know I you know I love how Luigi is a fucking terrorist but these fucking CEOs that poisoned our food supply aren't. They're beyond terrorists. At least the terrorists bombs what they feel is the fucking enemy. These guys are attacking their own fucking people. But you know what? They're what? They got a lot of money and they pay it to the politicians so they are not murderers. They are not treasonous people. But if you're some regular Joe and you walk up and you take a shot at one of them all of a sudden,

oh my God, this guy's a fucking terrorist. That's what I learned from that one. That's what I learned on that Luigi story. It isn't what you do, it's who you are and who you do it to that determines how they define you. Which determines whether CNN and Fox News understands what you did and is behind it or are confused.

Why would somebody do something like this? Subtext. Health insurance companies advertise on our network. We don't understand why someone would be motivated. What is the motivation? Gee, I don't know. Everybody pays in, and when it's time for them

to take care of us, they say to go fuck yourself, and they let you die. I mean, that's a good place to start, right? Wouldn't you think? Would you? Anyway, one show today, 7 p.m., so I got my whole day and I don't have any stress anymore because I got the lines down. I finally was able to get a little fucking

comfortable where I'm like, dude, this is like your act, you know how it goes. All right, you know, do you fucking sit there and babble your act before you go on stage? It's like no, I don't but I also can say whatever the fuck I want, you know, if and when I mess up, but um, I still I still think there there is like know if and when I mess up but I still I still think there there is like I guess like an element of that so anyway this is my last week of being 56 years old you know and next week I turn 57 in case you couldn't do the math and you know what I'm excited I'm excited to be 57 57 yeah it just like feels, feels great, you know, once you love them people, then old people do that shit.

Yeah, like 57 is like the new 26. No, it isn't. No, it isn't, lady. Fucking one-piece bathing suit with something fucking wrapped around your waist, please. Thank you. Thank you. That'll be enough. Thank you. Thank you. I get it. I get it. You can't handle that. You're an old bag now All right, I get it. All right That does mean we have to look at you in your Bo Derek bathing suit saying that you feel fucking good about yourself No one wants to see that You know, you can say a lot of things about me but I have I've worn a lot of clothes in my life I've always had respect that you didn't want to see this I keep myself covered up because I'm a man of

the people I try to dress respectable I try to look sharp you know I try to look sharp. You know, I try to be a gentleman. That's it. You know, I've been fucking walking around wearing a goddamn tank top. These fucking guys out there with their grandmother arms. You know what, I hate people who have fat flabby arms that wear fucking tank tops and like, like what, I'm supposed to believe those are guns. Those aren't't gums those are two fucking giant scoops of ice cream because that's what the fuck you've been eating I could squeeze those 24 inch pythons all the way down to your fucking humerus alright don't even get me started about the FEMA

I think the Red Sox had a walk-off home run last night you know when I finish my little bullshit in the play I think the Red Sox had a walk-off home run last night. You know when I finish my little bullshit in the play and I walked through the the The sub stage the sub floor the floor right underneath with orchestra It would usually be if there was any music in the play One of the guys in the crew always has a bunch of baseball on so that's the only Red Sox shit that I've seen. And we had a matinee yesterday. And I think it was during the matinee but why would the Red Sox have a day game on a

Wednesday? A random Wednesday in June? It must have still been light out. All I know is I just saw Fenway Park and what a gorgeous fucking park. I haven't been to a game there in a couple of years. I gotta get back to that and I know we're still playing 400 ball, but hopefully we'll get hot before it's too fucking late. I was all excited that the Red Sox spent fucking money this year and we're gonna try to be competitive because I feel like I don't know what they've been doing the last few fucking years but let's just say it hasn't been working

there. All right and I think that's it I don't know that I have anything else to tell you. I'm only 21 minutes in now I mean the contract that I have in my head that I never signed with you guys is that I have to do a fucking half hour you know but usually at this point I can read some sort of advertising, but the way I've been reading ads lately, I don't have any. When you do it, you do a four minute left turn in the middle of some fucking ad reads. Um, look at this. I was wrong. I do have, I do have some reads here. All right, what do

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slash burr for free for free Trial and when you're ready to launch use offer code burr be you are Burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Can't talk today all right I mean, can't talk today. All right. Anyway, I saw that Mark Maron was going to end his podcast. The what the fuck podcast. That is a, a major moment in the young history of podcasting. One of the most legendary podcasts, uh, since the beginning of podcasting.

Right. Um, seem pretty cool idea to me You know, I'm not saying I'm gonna do it. I'm just saying I love the idea of retiring anything You know what I mean? Cuz you know as much as it's sad to watch an athlete just keep playing Past you know when they should have fucking quit And we all look at it we all say it's sad, but you know you got to look at your own life sometimes

And just be like why am I still doing this that happens a lot in my business to an entertainment? Like you'll just see I saw somebody the other day. Oh my god was advertising some sort of gig they had coming up and Ah was advertising some sort of gig they had coming up and you know I get it though like if you retire then like what is your you got it you have to have a purpose like if I retired I would go full Jimmy Carter you know I would find not saying we're gonna swing a hammer and build houses for the homeless, I'm too fucking pasty for that,

but I would find some charity to go work for. My grandmother did that. She volunteered at a hospital and she worked at like the, the little cafeteria that they had. And it gave her something to do. She still had free time. She still could play cards with her friends, but it gave her a purpose and a

and she lived she retired in like I don't know what age like how people used to retire at like 65 and then she lived to almost be 105. So she had like over 10,000 hours of volunteer service. You know, she got that like a half hour at time or 40 minutes at time, whatever, however long the lunch was, an hour or so every day. Somebody's gonna do the math on that. Actually, she did that between the ages, whatever. She had 10,000 hours,

I don't know how the fuck she did it. They had some ceremony for. But I always looked to her where like, she played bridge, and she did volunteer work. And then she also, you know, drove her cars forever. And if there was any sort of ding or scratching it, she would take it down to the dealership and get it fixed. So she always had she had a good looking car. She dressed sharp, she played cards and she volunteered. That's how you fucking retire. I think nowadays, the way they grind you down to nothing in the corporate world, I think everybody is so fucking burned

out. That left to their own devices in five years, they've that left to their own devices in five years. They've weed, wine, mushrooms, fucking potato skins and nachos. You're like dead within three to five years. Well, that's a sad thought, isn't it? Anyway, I just wanna give Mark Maron a shout out and the What the Fuck podcast, the WTF podcast I just want to give Mark Maron a shout out. And the what the fuck podcast at WTF podcast for being one of the OGs in this world. I was lucky enough to be not be on it a couple

times. Definitely the end of an era. What if I would have at some point, I don't know that I would ever quit this thing because I just find I don't I don't even guess really, you know, I mean, I do but I don't. That makes any sense. Then I just sort of fuck around. I still I guess I still like doing it. Right?, yeah. I don't know. That's just one of those moments where I just look at somebody's doing that. And I go, wait, should I be doing that? I never even thought about the end of this thing. Um, I feel like the end of my podcast. And then when I die,

someone is going to collect all of these podcasts and do some sort of psychological breakdown of when I when I lost it. Just start connecting dots or whatever. Oh, God, the poor bastard that would have to listen to all of these. Oh, you know what? They could be listening right now. This could be somebody could be listening to this in the future when I'm already gone.

Hey, man, just want to say I had a great time. All right, fight off those fucking robots. Now they won't play that in the future. That will be censored. With AI technology. Like that's a fucking asset anyway I'm gonna drink a lot of water that's what you supposed to do after you have a fucking massage and guess what guess what I still haven't had a fucking cigar

I still not have not have scar although I will tell you I walked down the street today when I was going to my son I don't know who had this the cigar but I walked by somebody that was smoking a cigar and I will tell you I walked down the street today when I was going to my son I don't know who had this uh the cigar but I walked by somebody that was smoking a cigar and I smelled it and I breathed in like I was in some nature commercial like I was breathing in the fresh mountain air but except it was a stogie oh you know being responsible is awesome in the morning Oh You know Being responsible is awesome in the morning You know when you wake up and you're not hungover and you feel good and all of that shit

But like somewhere in the afternoon The idea of being irresponsible just seems to make more and more sense You know, I don't know if it's a habit or you just interacted with some human beings and you just start thinking like you know it's three in the afternoon I don't have to do a play until seven is this day I try heroin? How long does it last? You gotta do it once, right? Just smoke it. In your fucking 80s. Then I'd be worried you'd fuck... You know, like junkies never tip over

What about if you're in your 80s? You probably tip over and then you break your hip. Yeah, you know That horrible high-pitched scream of an old person You know sounds like a bird off in the distance Is that some sort of bird I can't identify or did somebody 85 just try heroin for the first time and fucking tipped over? All right well that is the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Once again thank you to everybody who continues to show up to Glenn Gary Glenn Ross it's been it's been a life changing, life changing experience. And I am so thankful that I've had it. I am so thankful that I still have another

three and a half weeks to be with all of these. What I hope will be lifelong friends that I've met on this. And then also to be performing in front of all of these crowds and every night just feeling a different energy. Each crowd has its own personality or whatever and it's been, I hope it's made me a better actor. I don't know. I've been having so much fun.

I don't feel like I've been working. It's just been great. All right. Well, that's it. Congratulations to the Oilers. I hope the Pacers Oklahoma City. Series is more competitive than most people are going to give it credit for. I hope they have an epic fucking seven game series, because I'm so sick of these people being like, who the fuck cares

about fucking Indiana versus Oklahoma? You don't care about the two best teams. What's the matter? There's not enough stars. You know, you can't handle it cuz Steph Curry and fucking LeBron and and whoever else isn't fucking there. Why don't you grow up? You grow up and stop playing favorites like a fucking narcissist parent. All right, that's the podcast have a great weekend you cunts and enjoy the music picked out by the amazing Andrew Themelis and then afterwards we have a bonus

episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast see you. In the afterlife, you could be headed for the serious drive. Now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow they'll be held to pay. In the afterlife, you could be headed for the serious drive. Now you make the scene all day, but tomorrow they'll be held to pay. People listen attentively, I mean about future calamity. I used to think the idea was obsolete, until I heard the old man stamp in his feet. This is a place where eternally Fire is applied to the body Teeth are extruded and bones are ground And baked into cakes which are passed around

And in afterlife You could be any more the serious drive Now you make the scene all day But tomorrow let me head to the bay Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, June 5th, 2017. What's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, June 5th, 2017. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? How was your weekend? Um, it's really not Monday morning at this point. I mean, it's still my Monday morning. It's 20 to fucking 11, but by the time I finish this shit, it's gonna be about noon.

Nooooon. Um, Saskatoon. See the Northern Lights. I just had a fucking amazing weekend. I want to thank everybody who came out to Clusterfest up in San Francisco, this new comedy festival. I was up there say, and on Sunday, I had like a make-a-wish weekend. It was crazy. I went up there.

Let's see, what did I do? I did the Two Dope Queen podcast. Then I did the comedy jam, goddamn comedy jam. We were playing outside near City Hall, which I called the fucking state capital. Anytime I see a dome, I'm like, that's got to be the capital of the state. I mean, why, why would they spend that much fucking money making something look that impressive and all it is is just city hall. You tell me the fucking mayor lives there. Jesus Christ. I'd love to see the governor.

Governor's above the mayor, right? Is that how it works? It's like meter made, then it goes mayor, then governor, then state representative, congressman, right? And then a senator. And then the MotoGP level is you're the fucking, you're the president, right? Tweets and gets up and storms out of interviews when he doesn't like the questions The fuck is going on with you know, I watched this thing on now

What's this place of Ladi Dadi there? Vladimir Putin Saying like how like anybody who was like an opponent of his they stay fucking kill him This they've had all these weird suicides. It's one guy tied himself to a chair and somehow threw himself into a pool. Now that one right there is not only getting rid of your enemy, but it's also displaying your level of power. Because when you're not even trying to hide it like that, oh yeah, that was a suicide. Anyways, and then he's like poisoning fucking people and all this shit. Whenever I watch those shit, whenever I watch stories about people like that, there was this guy

he's gotten poisoned twice. First time he went into a coma for a week and he was in the hospital for like a fucking month. Now he walks with like a limp. And he went right back to protest and you know the current regime in Russia. And then he fucking, they poison him again. He goes to the same hospital. This time they realized you know with his symptoms going alright this guy's probably been poisoned again. So they knew something a little better. So they got him out in like a week to 10 days. I don't know about you guys, the first time I get poisoned and I live, I'm going to say

to the cause, listen guys, I'm passing the torch, okay? I did my part. I'm going to start making those furry Russian hats. I'm going to open a little fucking kiosk down at the local people's mall, whatever the fuck it is. You know what's funny is everybody thinks Russia's communist, right? Somebody told me the other day, going like, dude they haven't been communist for like fucking 25 years. They're like over here. It's like a small group of people running shit, except they, you know, rather

than tweeting and walking out on shit, they just kind of poison people. They're taking it to the next level. I believe the kids say, it's turnt up. But anyways, Clusterfest, I went to bed watching that. I started talking about a comedy festival and then I go over talking about a guy getting poisoned and continuing to do what the fuck. If I ever got poisoned doing stand up, that's it. I'm done. I'm done. I Would just I would send out a tweet

To whom whoever poisoned me. What would you like me to be doing with my life so I can get on with that Stock stock room at Best Buy you got it I'll fucking load and unload flat screen TVs for the rest of my fucking life to not go into another week long coma and stay in the hospital for a goddamn month. Knowing that there's people out there that not only can poison me,

I don't know who the fuck they are and when they did it. Dude was just sitting there talking to his wife, everything's fine, and out of fucking nowhere, he went from feeling, all of a sudden, hey, you know, I feel a little, uh, is it hot in here? Boom, right into a coma, fucking 20 minutes later. Continues to fight the good fight. Man, that's amazing.

That's amazing. You know, if there is an afterlife or whatever, I feel like that guy's in the pre-checked TSA line, you know? Just goes right through. I saw this little YouTube video on this guy who allegedly had a 200 IQ. I guess the average person has 100. You get up to about 130, 140. You're a fucking genius.

You know, fucking Tesla had a 150, fucking Galileo had a 160, somebody had a 190, and this guy's got a 200. So he's allegedly the smartest person on the fucking planet. And he lives in the fucking middle of nowhere on a goddamn farm with a couple of yaks and some chickens. And then he met some other super genius woman out of Brooklyn. I don't know, if you heard them both talk, I didn't buy it. I didn't buy it for a sec. I don't know if you heard him both talk I didn't buy it. I didn't buy it for, I don't know, once his wife started talking and it's just

they never really made him demonstrate how fucking smart he was he just was talking about what he was doing. He was trying to prove that heaven exists so right there that was suspect to me while while I was just kind of going like, all right, this guy is the smartest person ever, and he's a fucking religious freak. I don't know, that's always a... I haven't found too many smart people that are like that level into religion.

I have found smart people into religion, but they're kind of like, hey, this is what I believe you don't believe it I get it, but you know it works for me, so why have a nice day It's supposed to telling you you're gonna fucking burn forever or some shit. I don't know Like I was trying to prove the existence of heaven what about hell? does that exist I Don't fucking know I'll send a, I'll post it.

Is that what I'm supposed to say? I'll post the fucking clip. Anyways, let me get back to Clusterfest. I'm fucking talking in circles here. So yeah, so I landed, I did a private gig, and then I did Two Broke Girls, then I played drums at the goddamn Comedy Jam outside the fucking mayor's house in this giant square There was a couple thousand people there And I forgot to adjust this one symbol

So I've a time to bring my stick up this my he had like the fucking crash symbol the other drum I had the crash symbol Nick Right above it. I kept hitting it and I was missing shit I was fucking up but I just kept going it's kind of a learning experience like I fucked up a lot I thought and but I just kept going and somehow it landed on its feet and then later on that night I did a show there I don't know how many fucking people were there it was freezing was the coldest I've ever been doing stand-up it's just like outside you know say for those people who don't live in San Francisco and I've made this mistake stand-up. It's just like outside, you know, San Francisco for those people who don't live in San Francisco

And I've made this mistake because I took a vacation there a long time ago in July and I dressed like it was July San Francisco summer I believe is like end of September to like middle of October. It's really quick And the rest of the time it is fucking freezing so I Was in this little fucking trailer in the back Which always cracks me up about this business, so you like I'm gonna make it someday I'm gonna be a star and you end up in a fucking trailer park for most of your career So I'm in this trailer right not even a double wide

I'm fucking sitting there Oh by the way Les Claypool band played across the way before I went up so I got to hear them play I couldn't see him play but I got to meet him briefly this is my make-a-wish weekend I just fucking broke out the double pedal and I've been trying to play Tommy the cat and that type of shit which I'm failing miserably at and here I am meeting the fucking guy that wrote the goddamn song. He was cool as hell, his band sounded amazing and yeah so I was standing there and I did a show it was me, Joe DeRosa and Pete Davidson and I was sitting in the trailer trying to get warm you know

learning from the East Coast going all right if I'm already cold with my hoodie and my jacket on, I need to take this shit off and let my body adjust so when I go out there, when I put the hoodie and jacket on, I'll be all right. That's something you learn as a kid. If you already put all your snow shit on inside the house and your body adjusts to your temperature in the house with that shit on, you're gonna then go outside and you're gonna be freezing cold. I don't know how it works.

That's how it works. You gotta take your fucking jacket off. So I was doing that and as I'm doing it I'm listening to Rosa and he's murdering and like the laughs he's getting is not opening a show laughs and he went out there like no pun intended cold. There was no nothing no music I don't know what the fuck it was just ladies and gentlemen Joe DeRosa and he walked out to the parking lot where the hell we were performing and he was getting laughs that were not open or laughs and Then he brought up Pete Davidson and he's fucking killing just as hard both of them absolutely murdered whoever was at the show, I know, can back me up on that. And then I went out there and it was one of the more memorable shows I've had with the mayor's house there.

They had the dome. It was all lit up in this Celtic screen, which was pretty cool. And where they'd sat everybody, there were these traffic lights that were telling you to walk or not walk. And I kept, you know, was seeing the sign when they were counting down whether it was safe to walk across the alleged traffic that was no longer there. I kept thinking that was like the end of my set. It was like fucking me up. And whenever the red light came on, I'm like, is that mean to wrap it up? I kept, you know, it's a fucking traffic light. I mean to wrap it up. I kept the, you know, it's a fucking traffic light. I don't know.

Anyway, so I did that and then on Sunday, oh and then I went to a big after party, got to hang out with DeRosa, Big J, Nate Bargazzi, all these fucking guys, man, just having a great time. And then the next day I got to interview Jerry Seinfeld promoting his Comedians in Cars getting coffee that's going to be out on Netflix and I can't even tell you how fucking nervous I was to do that because I was just like I was joking in the interview going like I always feel

like I'm one dumb comment away from you just standing up and just walking out of the room and I never see you again. Like that's the vibe he has. And as I said that he stood up and just walked out of the, starts to walk off the stage. I was like really nervous because I thought that, I don't know, I just thought he was going to give really quick short answers and I was just going to be sitting there like Chris Farley when he did that sketch when he interviewed Paul McCartney Like remember when you did Seinfeld? That was awesome like I thought I was literally gonna be that guy but um

Within two seconds I realized oh wait this guy did the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson You know why wouldn't he come out here and absolutely fucking kill it? If he just sat here giving me quick answers, the thing would go nowhere and then he would look bad with me. It was amazing. It was one of the most fun things I've gotten to do in my career and you know, before I interviewed him for whatever, I had all these fucking questions. Like I was gonna look at my car. I'd never interviewed somebody like that. So I had all these questions I was going to ask him. You know, his favorite car of all time, his favorite Met of all time. You know, what level dictator would you still be willing

to do a private show for, you know what I mean? And I never even had to look at him. I asked a few of those, I think I asked him who his favorite Met was. I forget who he said, it was someone from like the 69 series. But it was probably that guy that dove Caught the ball But before I went in interviewed him I was looking up, you know some information about him just so I would have something I was trying to think what the fuck can I ask this guy that he's not been asked a million times before and

I just happened to see it says Jerry Seinfeld comments on Kathy Griffin Controversy and they cut to him they were just like Jerry what do you think about the whole Kathy Griffin blah blah blah blah blah blah and he just goes it's stupid who cares that was it and I was like oh my god is he gonna do that when I interview him is he to be that quick? Thank God he didn't. Thank God he didn't. So it went great. Thank Christ. And then the interview ended.

I don't know, we were just saying, man, that was a lot of fun. That went great. It was awesome. And then he left. And then me and Josh Adams, Myers jumped in a car. Didn't really jump in a car. Jerry jumped in his car because he does life right. You know, he gave me some great advice about being on the road. He said, when the show's over, he just goes, go back to the room. He goes, go back to the room. And I go, you never just want to go out and have a couple. He goes, go back to the room.

He goes, there's nothing, nothing good is out there. Just go back to the room. And do you know, I already knew that. Do you know how many times I've learned that fucking lesson and he said to me, he goes, if you want to look this good in your 60s, go back to the room. And he looks fucking great. So I'm going to try to do that. How do you go back to the room and he looks fucking great so I'm gonna try to do that how do

you go back to the room you don't go back to the room you have no stories I'm gonna be in Montreal this weekend how do I go back to the room one of my favorite cigabas in the fucking world is there how do I go back to the room I have to tell you every time I go back to the room? But I have to tell you, every time I go back to the room, I'm hating it right until I get to the elevator. And then I go up in the elevator and I go into the room and I put the TV on and the second I get into the bed, I'm like, oh my God, this is awesome. This is fucking great.

I don't know why, I just, you know, I think I finished the show, I'm wired, I'm excited it went well, and then I, you know, I go on the road with friends, and they're always, what do you think, maybe go have a couple, two or three? And I always say yes. I always say yes. So anyway, so the show ends. I've learned to go back to the room I've also learned to have the car service right fucking there

Like Jerry it was just just just like his act There was no fat on him fucking leaving the stage going to the dressing room getting his shit And he just walked right out and I said I go yeah, of course I go look at look I this is how you do your life, the fucking car's ready. My guy's like, I don't know where the fuck he is and he just laughed and he just got in his car and it was over. So, I usually don't have any sort of a car service,

I usually just walk out, okay? So the reason why I have a car service was because I had tickets to go to game two of the NBA finals. My make a wish weekend continues. So my car guy goes, yeah, I'm fucking, dude, I'm fucking down the street in the car garage. And I go, all right, so we're right here. I told him where we're at, come to the stage door.

The dude comes to the stage door on foot and then walked us back to the fucking car. The show ended at 3 45. The final started at five o'clock. So I'm like, what the fuck man? So we walked all the way over to this parking garage, got in the elevator, went downstairs. I'm in the parking garage with the crowd. It's the most anti show business thing ever. It's the most anti Elvis left the fucking building

It was fucking pedestrian. It was shameful. I should have had my You're in show business card revoked So we get in the car was sitting in the traffic with the fucking crowd to get out of the parking garage Nothing VIP about it complete fucking moron. I am so we ended up me and Josh We're riding in the car over and we're just laughing going, dude we're going to the fucking NBA finals. Finals, why would I ever the fuck you say it? And we had a couple of cigars and we said to the guy who turned out to be the greatest driver ever, we were like, dude is it okay if I don't get the guy in trouble? He may or may not allegedly have let us smoke the cigar in the back of the car.

And we ended up getting to the finals and we missed about half of the first quarter. And it's just one of those things, like I can't believe I'm here. And I love that fucking arena. It's going to be a shame when they leave it. I'm going to tell Warrior fans right now, enjoy that arena because your next arena is not gonna be that loud. The new ones are never that loud because they build in all of those luxury boxes and everything is just so fucking big and far away from the court. But anyway, so we go to the game and we're watching the game and it's fucking, you know, it's great through about the first two and a half quarters

and then the Warriors just start pulling away. And I gotta tell you, as a fan of sport and competition, that Kevin Durant, the allowing Kevin Durant to go to the Warriors was, that's out of all those things LeBron going to Miami fucking Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen going to the Celtics Shaq and Phil Jackson going to the Lakers this one might be the worst one because at least like like Shaq and

Phil Jackson that was a bad time but still you still had like the Spurs they had Tim Duncan they had David Robinson, you know, you still had something to compete with and You know the Celtics when we won we still had to beat the fucking Lakers and God knows they always had nine million fucking free agents and even the fucking Heat that first year they lost to the Mavericks. But this one, it was just like... I'm trying to think of an analogy to come... Be like if Magic Johnson joined the Celtics, or Larry Bird joined the Lakers after the

1985 championship. When we lost to him in the finals, he just joined the fucking Lakers. Um... I gotta, yeah, it just felt, it felt fucking dirty when I was watching it going like, this just doesn't feel good. It just, I don't know. I was at an NBA final game and I was actually bored, which is funny because... I th- I thought when I was at home,

I didn't know what the Warrior fans were chanting when they were saying, Warriors, Warriors. I thought they were chanting boring. Boring. I literally thought that that's what they were saying because there was so much. Look at last year's Western Conference Finals. That was fucking unbelievable.

That seven game series with the Thunder and the Warriors. And then you look at last year's NBA final, was fucking amazing. Went seven games and was one in the last second by the Cavaliers. It was incredible basketball. Incredible level of competition. It was amazing.

And then, I don't know, I don't understand how the Chris Paul trade was bad for basketball but Kevin Durant going to the Warriors and then just watching them puffing their chests out and punching their fucking chests and the crowd going crazy as if they don't realize what they're watching. Like acting as though like yeah, this year's our year. Last year you beat us, but you know what? We dug down deeper.

No you didn't! You didn't. You picked up the best guy that almost fucking beat you last year and added it to your team. It was like, I don't know. Every time they get to within three to five points, which I have to tell you is pretty fucking amazing when you're playing a team. They haven't even lost a game yet. They've lost one game since February. And they were already playing like that before they had Kevin Durant, so

I'm not trying to rain on people's parade here or anything, but uh, I really don't have anything to say about the game other than I will for me. I watch sports to watch competition. I don't watch it to watch a layup. Um, I mean the fact that they have all of those guys and then they can rotate them out. And when they're LeBron is sitting sitting down they got another two LeBrons still out there it's just fucking I Don't know there was a lot. I don't know there was a lot of like I Just couldn't believe I didn't hear one warrior fan address it

You know at some point just kind of be like yes, it's kind of a I You know, at some point just kind of be like, yeah, this is kind of a... I mean, any Celtic fans out there, you didn't feel like, dude, what the fuck, that year in 2008? We were like in last place, and then Kevin McHale's in the front office of the Timberwolves and trades away Kevin Garnett for nothing. A former Celtic does that to the Timberwolves. That should have been investigated the same way the Paul Gasol trade, when what's his face Jerry West was in the front office of the Grizzlies Yeah, we'll give you Pau Gasol for his fucking brother who's now good, but he wasn't back then. It's a horrible fucking trade

Those were bad enough, but I think this is the worst one ever like this is um I'm still holding on I have to root for the Cavaliers I'm still rooting for the fact that they can somehow You know obviously they got to win the next one most obvious fucking statement ever, but Yeah, I got to tell you from about halfway through the third when they started pulling away and then the Cavaliers kept fighting back and they and They just had it was it was ridiculous it was like I don't know I just walked out of there going like that felt like a fucking regular season game I didn't feel like

I don't know I don't know I don't know how to fucking somebody explain to me what that that's competition like as a warrior fan you're gonna look at that and just be like yeah man that feels good and you have to be honest with yourself warrior fans weren't you guys bitching at LeBron when he went to Miami and he won two down there right weren't you saying that's fucking bullshit, it's a pile on team? Now if you were, you gotta say that about your own fucking team. And I didn't hear that once. I just saw everybody fucking walking around thumping their chest like this was the greatest

fucking thing ever. You know what else is funny too, I really think is hilarious is when the little kids come out and they do their dance routines, that aggressive hip hop dancing, it's the funniest shit ever to me. Like what dancing has become. It's like you're literally sitting there. Like when a little kid danced when I was a kid, it was cute. It was adorable. Now you're just sitting there like, does this kid want to fight me? I think a six year old is squaring off with me. This whole fucking new generation, where everybody's just walking around like they're these gods. I don't know what the fuck that is about.

These fucking Instagram douchebags who are trying to be inspirational people as they're showing off their fucking abs. Like they're trying to help you by showing off their beauty and their own success and standing in front of private jets holding up a wad of cash. I just, for the fucking life of me, I can't understand why that behavior isn't ridiculed and why it's actually like aspired to.

Go out and get yours. Ha ha ha ha ha. So fucking, get what? Go out and get yours. So fucking, get what? A bunch of fucking shoes? I don't know. Oh God, I'm just a crabby old man. I have to tell you, if the Cleveland Cavaliers had somehow signed a giant free agent at the level of Kevin Durant, then I think this would be probably the greatest NBA finals ever, because it would be like

two Hall of Fame fucking teams going at it with each other. And then even if I, you know, I always hated that fucking You know, I hate the super teams as you can obviously tell but at least if you have two of them going at it then it becomes interesting like back in the day when the Roided up free agent Red Sox went up against the roided up free agent Yankees. I know it was bad for baseball But at least there was I don't know there was another roided up free agency fucking team out there. This is just like, I don't know, I just don't understand how you play a team that has the talent that LeBron has and it's like fucking child's play because you got this other, this fucking juggernaut

you just signed. I don't know. It was weird, it was a weird feeling leaving there. So I think I fucking, I don't know, I think that was a little too long. I probably talked about it too long, but like I was so excited to go to the fucking game and then to just, it would have been nice if one warrior fan went like,

yeah, you know, it's kind of bullshit, but you know, LeBron did it in Miami. So does that kind of make it okay? I mean, uh, Hey, you know, that guy touched a kid. So why can't we touch a kid? Right? Doesn't, isn't that how it works? Yeah.

I w I was joking with Josh. I go, dude, that felt dirty. And then I also have to tell you, I absolutely fucking cannot stand the West Coast, the West Coast fucking sports fan. I just cannot stand them. I did not hear one intelligent thing yelled during the game. I mean, their commentary is different reads of, oh shit. That's it, nobody fucking seems to know what's going on. There was one guy behind me going,

oh, I never seen the Cavs come out with this lineup. Oh, they're going big. There was a couple of people, but everybody else was just fucking mouth breathers. Just waiting for the ball to go through the net to be like, oh shit! They don't want none of this! Sorry, didn't mean to fucking blow out your ears there.

All right, I'm done fucking whining about that shit, but it is bullshit. It is, I actually heard, this is a fucking West Coast sports fan. I went into the bathroom and somebody yelled out, two championships going on three, and somebody goes, two and a a half we got two and a half Now I don't know if he was saying like they should have got it called a championship last year or they're already racking this one up

Because they already fucking we're gonna win game two. I don't know I Don't fucking I have no I have no idea. I hope that that's what that guy was saying Do you think I shit on the whole fucking thing long enough? I really didn't think it was gonna go that long. I'm already fucking 28 minutes in. All right, let's do a little bit of advertising here. Oh, by the way, rest in peace, Blue Apron. Blue Apron decided not to continue advertising with me

because I said, you know, when they were, I was reading the copy, it says, you know, when you have fresh ingredients, food tastes better. And I was like, really? Fresh ingredients taste better? That's the reason they're claiming that they stop wanting to advertise in the podcast. Not because six weeks ago I read that story where they were, you know, going to farmer's markets trying to box out the little man You know, I Know that's what it was I know that they just were like well we can't do it now or he's gonna bring that shit up that filthy shit that we

Allegedly did up again So we're just gonna wait and we're gonna wait for him to do one fucking read that we don't like and then we're gonna be Out come on blue apron. How dumb do you think I am? Huh? Stop going down to farmer's markets, allegedly. You know? What do you want, John Cougar, Mellencamp? Do you have to write another fucking song?

Is that what the hell you're going after? All right, here's our old friends. They don't give a shit how I read these. I like these guys. This is all zip. All right, anyways, here we go. All right, let's read some questions here for this week. See if I can stop talking about

that fucking Golden State thing. Hey Bill, would love if you would find it, I would love it if you would find it to come back to Sweden. Malmo gets boring. There's too few redheads to spend my money on here. Thank you. All right.

I feel like he was vaguely trashing me, yet he likes my comedy. I'm definitely gonna be coming back to Sweden. Last time I went through Europe, I didn't do the Scandinavians. Countries. What are the Scandinavian countries, people? Come on.

Norway, Sweden, Denmark, countries what are the Scandinavian countries people come on Norway Sweden Denmark I know there's one other one in there it's not Finland that's part of the Nordic countries that also includes Scandinavia I can't even remember it's been so long since I was there I learned that Scandinavia was like three countries and then those three countries are part of the Nordic countries which included Finland and this little island just north of Great Britain. Right? Isn't it something like that? I will definitely be back and I'll have a brand new hour for you fucking blue-eyed, blonde-haired cunts and

we'll have a great time. From a lovely French lady. Hey Bill, and we'll have a great time. From a lovely French lady. Hey Bill. Hello, bonjour. I just wanted to say, I just wanted to send a little message and hopefully have it heard that being a videographer myself, I immensely appreciate the graphic work and details and F is for family. Oh, thank you

Such a great show on so many levels. That's it All the best to everyone involved with bill in general and of course bill himself a french fan fan from paris. Hey Guess what french lady Femme de la France, lady of the France. The show is actually, the animators is Gaumont, which is in France, all right?

And then of course, you know, then they farm it out to these people, big jump in Ottawa. That's how it works. But you guys are part of the mix. And what's great about France is if you use French animators, an animation company, is you get the government gives a little bit of money and makes it cheaper. It's a smart thing.

It's like a Trump thing. They're trying to bring fucking business into their country like Trump says he wants to do as he walks away from the Paris agreement It's just a hoax Climate change not global warming anymore. It's climate change. It's a little change in the climate I saw some lady on TV going like, you know, I just I think it's good for this country that we do it because we've always been a leader in environmental issues. Yes, we have been a leader. Fucking it up the most as far as I can tell.

If I'm to believe what the scientists are saying. Oh, scientists. Their information. Anyways, by the way, thank you to everybody that's been watching season two. The people have been loving it, and it's a ton of goddamn work, so thank God you guys enjoyed it, or have been enjoying it. Please tell more people to watch it. The more people you tell to watch it, hopefully the more fans we get, and then they'll let us do a season three. And if not, I'll just have all kinds of free time in my life. It's kind of a win-win for me either way, people.

Either I get to continue working with these great people doing this great show or I'm going to become a hell of a drummer. Um, all right. Well thank you so much and I can't wait to get back to France at some point. I've just got to wait till the little one gets a little bit bigger. Um, we're actually, you know what I want to do, I was talking to Nia, I want to get like some sort of fucking, you know, French person over here, right? That can, you know, help make my daughter smart, because she's got to learn from somebody. I know it ain't

going to be me. And if she also teaches her French and teaches us all French, how great would that be? My little cutie pie be over in France, being fluent. Huh? How cute would that be? You know she's sitting up by herself now. It's fucking amazing. She has this look on her face. She's like proud of herself.

It's the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life. It's just the best. I'm telling you. It's the best. There's no material in having a kid. There really isn't. Other than your fear that something bad's going to happen to them, but I feel like that's been fucking done to death. You know what I mean? Other than that, it's just been fucking phenomenal.

Okay, F is for family. Hey Bill, I'm a big fan of your work. In from Puerto Rico. Oh, hope to see you perform someday here. I watched the second season of Efforts for Family and it's great, even better than the first one, completely hilarious. Well, take care and keep the good work, keep up the good work. How would that work, you know?

Puerto Rico is like not a state, but it's one of those, yet another place that we kind of just decided was ours. If I go on stage there, do I? I don't know. I went on stage in Singapore. I didn't get caned. I'm sure I'll be alright in Puerto Rico.

I'd love to fucking go there. Bring my wife. She can go to the fucking beach, you know? I'll be there with all the lovely ladies. All those fucking J. Lo's walking around I think that would be that I could definitely be talked into that I Go over there and tell my fucking shit jokes All right can't stop smoking cigarettes

All right get job on new season Get job on the new season of F is for Family. I'm halfway through and it's hilarious. I've been smoking for seven years now. I'm 22 and I can't stop smoking. It's really starting to affect my health and I'm sick of it. I quit boozing and smoking weed, but I've never been able to quit smoking cigarettes.

All right, then what the fuck, how do I help you do this? I tried to replace it with weed, but I've never been able to quit smoking cigarettes. Alright, then what the fuck? How do I help you do this? I tried to replace it with weed, but it just makes me want to smoke a cigarette after. Alcohol gives me cravings too. You used to smoke cigars, so maybe you've got some good tips. I still smoke cigars. To help me quit. By the way, you should come to Minneapolis soon and play a show. Check out the new Viking Stadium. It's amazing.

Um... You should come to Minneapolis soon and play a show. Check out the new Viking Stadium, it's amazing. Let's see, you guys, yeah, the Twin Stadium is amazing. You guys are doing all right up there. As is the Wilds. The last time I went to, I went to a, what do you got up there, the Timberwolves game. Kevin Garnett was still there and you played in the Target Center and that was a shithole.

All right, well, they say quitting cigarettes is as hard as quitting heroin, so um... I don't know. I-I would try to get professional help. I'm so happy I never started doing that and um... You know, I don't- I like- I used to smoke cigars like you know once every like four days or something like that now I smoke them like once every two weeks sometimes three weeks and I really don't have the craving to do it I kind of wait for like the right time to do it like riding in a car to go over to the NBA finals, that felt like, yeah, this is a cigar fucking moment. But the way I was doing it before was just like fucking, every goddamn couple of days,

like having a humidor and all that type of stuff, you can really just, I don't know. I still think I smoke too many of them, and I don't eat right when I'm too many of them and I Don't eat right when I'm on the road and I drink too much when I'm on the road and it's something I have Personally, I have to stop doing that I And you know what it is it's really I find it's just developing I know people say this but it's just developing new habits

like You know if you're eating shit food, you crave shit food. If you're eating salads and good stuff, you crave that. And I don't know, I'm a creature of habit. And if it's just like every night, you know, we're going out and we're having drinks after the show, it just becomes, it just, your body's like, oh, now we do this. It's in like this routine. So you kind of have to force yourself to break up your routine. And I think you just have to make a decision

that you're gonna be stronger than it, you know? Unless you have like some sort of, you know, super addictive like personality, like those people, and you gotta go into the Dr. Drew house or some shit like that. I mean, I don't know what your deal is, but I would definitely definitely I would seek professional help all right VIP airline hey Bill that airline with the hot air hostesses exist

it only flies between Paris and New York oh I was talking about a VIP airline we don't have to go on with people that are going to take their shoes off and put their feet up over the goddamn, you know, sticking between your fucking, what do they do? They stick them between the fucking armrests and that type of thing. Just those goddamn animals. They should just have a first class one. They should have animal airlines and then fucking raised right airlines. So he's saying there is a VIP airline, but it only flies between Paris and New York It's only business class they give you iPads feed you chef made food and plenty of good French wine the tickets aren't even that expensive Treat Nia to a holiday best from France. Well, what's the name of the fucking airline? You got to give me the name of the airline, dude

Now I got to look it up. Oh, hey, I gotta tell you look up, you know Like a time to fucking do this will my internet even work? Fucking scam that that is all right VIP airline New York to Paris Come on, what do you say this American Airlines, New York to Paris flights, Air France, La Campagne, Discover Paris with the unique, all business class airline, I found it. It's LACOMPAGNI.com. O-M-P-A-G-N-I-E dot com. 1800 bucks, dude. You said it was a thousand. I want to see some pictures here. Plane you trip to Paris.

Oh wow, okay, I'm impressed with their little terminal there. My compagny. No, dude, I live in LA. I live in LA, so I'm not gonna fucking connect through New York. with their little terminal there. My companion. No, dude, I live in LA. I live in LA, so I'm not gonna fucking connect through New York. I'm just gonna say fuck it. Use all my miles and jump on a plane. Okay, forever in New York, that'd be a nice thing to do.

Maybe if I'm doing a gig in New York, then afterwards we can just go fly over. That's a good idea, goddammit. That's a good idea, god damn it. That's a good fucking idea. Who knows? I'll ask the wife about that one. You know what I mean? You know how that works. Oh, that was a question I wanted to ask Jerry. I forgot to do it. I wanted to ask him, dude, can you just come home with a new Porsche or do you have to clear it with your wife? You know? Can you get to a fucking, like, can you just look at her and be like, dude,

I'm Jerry Seinfeld You know look around your house. Do you like this this this this echo echo? All right heart surgeon busted for filming me taking a piss What? Bear dear Billy double take tits Got the fuck that means? That's hilarious. I heard the story on your podcast last week. This fucking phone keeps vibrating

this whole podcast. The phone fart. Wink, wink. What the fuck is all of this stuff? Oh, Jesus Christ. Alright, here we go. I heard the story on your podcast last week about the Oxford student stabbing her boyfriend in the leg with a butter knife

and how she was let off easy despite her psychotic actions. I have a similar story that involved myself a little while ago. I'm a musician and was playing a solo gig near some markets in the popular part of Brisbane. Where the fuck is that? I've been there. Oh, that's Australia. Australia. That was the next thing. Let me sit calm and went to the next page. It's fucking hilarious. During one of my breaks, I went to take a leak in the public amenities. I was doing my business in one of the stalls when suddenly I noticed an iPhone slowly coming over the top of my stall to my left. I could only see half of the phone but could tell the camera was going. Obviously it took me by surprise and for about two seconds my head went through a

does not compute mode. I was only halfway through taking a piss. I said what the fuck out loud when I heard the stall next to mine open very quickly I looked behind me and saw a short possibly Asian guy running. I tried to stop mid piss very difficult Adjusted myself quickly ran and ran out after him only to find hundreds of people walking through the markets I couldn't see him anywhere. I was infuriated. It was infuriating. My first thought was, oh great, now I'm gonna be uploaded to some, quote, I love public pissing dot com porn site.

I was really fucking pissed off, no pun intended from this guy evidently, but kind of glad I didn't catch him because I probably would have dragged him by the balls to the police and then they would charge me for assault. I don't think you would because it's a guy to guy physical confrontation and on his phone it would be your dick. Anyways, a few days later I was telling my friend what had happened and he said that

he heard about an Asian German national being caught filming seven men in the public toilets in the same area and he found the article online. So it turns out this 26 year old guy is a trainee heart surgeon on holiday in Australia celebrating his graduation from medical school. Here's the article. What the fuck? Wait a minute, wait a minute. Well, at least he doesn't work on somebody's fucking urinary tract. I mean, he's, he's, he's, uh, he at least had enough discipline to be like, listen, I can't be near the dick area. I don't trust myself. So he's up by the fucking hat. Um, okay. This, this article is slowly but surely opening. What is going on in the world?

The judge went easy on him and didn't record a conviction because of his promising career. What the fu- I guess if you're a doctor you can get away with anything. What the fuck? So just because you're an elite student in this world you get let off easy for doing really fucked up things. Apparently none of the other men filmed were aware of what he was doing, so I called the police in the area, he was caught. They asked me to describe what I was wearing at the time, blah blah blah, and said the

phone was confiscated and the footage was deleted. I fucking hope so. They also act, that was him saying that, I just gave it a great read so it sounded like me, if I could pat myself on the back. They also asked if I wanted to press charges. I said, fuck yes. The cop I spoke to said he would pay the pervert a visit very soon to lay the charges

as the guy was due to leave the country in two days. I called back on the day he was supposed to leave the country, but the cop said they won't be pressing charges because they had already been laid by the arresting officer and that the student had received a conviction even though the article said he hadn't. Weird. But apparently he will never be able to enter Australia again for the rest of his life. I just think it's so fucked up that these people can get away with such disgraceful actions, especially someone like this heart surgeon who could potentially be playing with some poor guy's balls as he lays under the anesthetic.

I'd love to hear your thoughts. Well, they kind of have the guy in check because heart surgery, you need other people. Oh, here's a guy. German tourist, Ledi Tran was fined 800 bucks. Sounds like about $100 a dick. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha about 115 bucks a whack or something like that. 112 bucks, I don't know. Council recording in breach of privacy. A trainee heart surgeon, okay, this guy. 26, a German national, Jesus Christ.

Even fucking Asians, if they go to Germany, they become sex perverts. I thought it was just the Germans. What is it with that country? They just into the peeing and the shitting? What the fuck is going on over there? So he's fined 800 bucks after pleading guilty to the Brisbane Magistrates on Saturday on seven counts of recording and breach of privacy. The court heard Lee had been in Australia for a month to celebrate his recent graduation

from medical school when he filmed the naked men on Friday. Lee filmed seven men in the space of three hours by holding his iPhone over the wall of the neighboring cubicle. None of the men realized they were being filmed, but his behavior drew the attention of South Bank security who contacted police. Lee was arrested. Police found the video of the men on his phone acting magistrate Bob describe his actions as disgusting. The offenses are disgusting

involving a serious breach of the privacy of other adult males. I can only assume the offending was for sexual gratification purposes. Lee's lawyer Kate MacArthur said her client had been accepted into cardiology unit in Germany and would fly home on January 12th. He has a very promising career ahead of him, she said. She said her client was ashamed of his actions but asking that a conviction not be recorded against him because it could jeopardize his career and ability to travel. Mr. Schubert fined Lee $800 and did not record a conviction. Wow, man, that's fucked up.

That's really fucked up. That's really fucked up. And am I crazy to think that because these, these actions are against men? You know, some happens to a guy, it's just not as serious. I don't think, you know, I just think that's, I don't know, either people are like, ah, you know, they think it's funny. Like, if this is, if a woman told another woman that's, some woman, I guess, was filming, they'd be like, what the,

no wait, maybe because it was a woman, though. But last week was a woman, she stabbed a guy with a knife. Maybe it isn't any of these issues. Maybe it's just, if you're, listen, if you want to get away with shit, and you don't want to be a banker or be in an insurance company, then I would say, get into,

have a promising medical career in front of you. Evidently, that just absolves you of everything. That's really upsetting. All right, let's let's see. The only way to follow up that upsetting story is the only thing I know that's more upsetting than somebody filming another man peeing without him knowing is me reading out loud. Helix, everybody. Helix, you're unique. Oh, you're a special fucking snowflake. You don't walk like everybody else, talk like everybody else, or sleep like anyone else. So why is your mattress one size fits all? What army movie is that from? Your mothers are not

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making it a series, winning game three, what I hope the Cavaliers do, what I still believe the Cavaliers can do, despite the fact, I'm not gonna get back into that again. The Predators win game three. I saw a little bit of it. I was working that night and I actually saw when they went ahead 2-1 and then 3-1. Was that the game?

I can't remember. So here we go. I mean, from what I've heard, they've been outplaying the Penguins at least two out of the three games. So maybe they'll tie it up and maybe someone like myself will get what I want which is a nice seven game series a nice classic so that games tonight I will definitely be watching and this week this week Oh Billy Redface I'm gonna be on Howard Stern on Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday my triumphant return I've not been on that show since I

believe 2003 I did it twice in one month I thought I was an in guy and I never got another invite. So I'm finally coming back You know I'm psyched psyched to finally come back onto the show. So please listen on Wednesday And that's it that's the podcast Wednesday. And that's it. That's the podcast. Thank you for listening and really man, no joke. Thank you to everybody who's been watching F is for Family, telling people about it, and then also taking the time to let me know how much you're enjoying it. It's just, it's really been one of the great

weeks of my life, I have to be honest with you. So no jokes or anything. Thank you guys for watching it. Please continue to tell people about it. Because we already have, we know what we want to do in season three. We just have to wait for Netflix to give us the green light. And they give us the green light by you guys watching it and talking about it online, which you guys are doing. So I can't thank you enough and

And that's it. Thank you to everybody at clusterfest. I had a great time. Thank you to the city of San Francisco Thank you to the Warriors for still playing in the Oracle, you know Great fucking old. Oh, you know, it's funny when I did that Seinfeld interview. I jokingly said that this this Venue feels like an old ABA arena and evidently the old San Francisco Warriors used to play there so I felt pretty good about calling that one All right, but you're overstaying you're welcome. Okay, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday, and that's it Let's go calves. Come on, man

If you beat the fucking Warriors Come on, man. If you beat the fucking Warriors, with all their accoutrements that they added, all of that fucking juggernaut of a goddamn team walking around thumping themselves in the chest as if what they're doing, I've said this for fucking ever, and I'll say it the last time,

when you were a little kid on the playground and you were choosing up teams, even little kids knew when it was getting to, when it was, nah, nah, nah, nah, this is not gonna be, there's no competition here. Even as kids you knew this. The Warriors are doing right now, they're doing something that even children know are wrong.

Even children would break that up. You know what I really think it is? I think Stern left the NBA, maybe that's what it is. Maybe he would have stepped in, who knows? I always thought that that guy was shady. I do know this. Without a doubt, Cleveland's gonna win a fucking game. Because the NBA does not make money, nearly as much money on a four game series versus five, six, seven. So at some point, I'm looking for them to fucking just start calling everything on the Warriors. But then again, I am a fucking conspiracy theory fucking freak.

Um... I don't know, I still feel like the Cavs have not played their best game yet, alright? I'm gonna say they're gonna win game three. Fuck it. I'm putting it out there, alright? Go fuck yourselves, I'll see you on Thursday. Talent, fame, money, refine my top skill and brain But all the things you try to hide Will be revealed on the other side In the afterlife You could be out of all the serious right

Now you make the scene of pain Make the furnace But tomorrow there'll be a death Yes, I deserve the fire Now the D and the A and the M and the N and the A and the T and the I-O-M Lose your face, lose your name Then give it a ball to the flame The A and the A and the M And the M and the A and the T and the I-O-M Lose your face, lose your name Then give it a ball to the flame The End