Monday Morning Podcast - Homeless Freedom, Sandy Kofax, Old People | Thursday Afternoon Podcast 10-30-25

Episode Date: October 31, 2025

Bill rambles about homeless freedom, Sandy Kofax, and old people. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(25:43) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 10-30-25 - Bill does his first live podcast at the ATC Podcast Festival l in Phoenix, Arizona.(01:47:50) - Anything Better Podcast - NFL Week 9 Preview with Paul Virzi. Everyone went 2-2 and Paul took a beating in the afternoon games.  They talk world series, and the serial killer rehabilitation trend. 

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Arc Raiders, available now on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X, S, and PC, rated T for T. Hey, how do fuck you doing? What's going on? It's Phil Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.

I'm checking in on you from a fucking parking garage dude i'm underground under this fucking building kid um knocking this out a bunch of bullshit to do just like you just like you i got a full day of fucking bullshit none of which i want to do how does that happen how does that happen to your life like you just wake up you know it's your day it's your day but then there's just a bunch of shit yeah you don't want to do it i don't You look at your schedule, like, I don't want to do any of this shit. I got something every goddamn slot of the fuck. I don't want to do this.

You know? And then one day you wake up and you say, you know, something, I'm only going to do this shit that I want to do. Because these days, these days belong to me. And that is when you become homeless. they're the only people in the world that are out there doing whatever the fuck it is they want to do every day

they want to fuck I'm going to go to sleep right here on the fucking sidewalk I'm going to take a nice four hour fucking nap from right about now until whenever the fuck I wake up that's the thing they're always doing these benefits

for homeless people and they talk about all of this stuff that they're going through and we should all feel bad but you know very quiet you know hiding in plain sight they are living they're totally in control of their lives you know what i mean if you if we could just stop buying into the belief that having a house

with a bunch of shit in it is some sort of like success you know what i mean oh jesus oh my god she just pulled in and opened a car door right near that fucking curb and that was not her fault that fucking curb because it's on like a slope like the parking spot was on a slope and uh do you know what she doesn't give a fuck that's another great thing about women

there's a bunch of great thing about women but one of the greatest things about them is they can open their car door into something and it has no effect on their day they just make that face and that's it that's all the emotion they got for that I'd be like oh what the fuck Bill you

fucking idiot or why is this curb this much higher like it's literally like twice the size it would normally be and she pulled in and she like you know the level she just opened that door to that curb if she kicked me in the chest like that i would go back three steps before i fucking gathered myself and it barely registered happy as a fucking clam with her clam you know so i think we've learned something here you know homeless people like i think i think think i'm done doing benefits for them think i don't want to take a fucking nap right now you motherfucker look at you here's one thing doctors never say to fucking homeless people you know you need to get more vitamin d you get plenty of sun buddy is that when you get from from the

sun mr sun son son mr golden sun please shine down on my encampment Um, that is one of the things, you know, I was watching the, uh, the world serious there, as Bugs Bunny used to say. And, uh, how about those fucking motherfucking Toronto Blue Jays? They got Donnie baseball one game away, Don Mattingly. Um, last night's game, first pitch of the game, right there, Fred, boom. Left field bleachers. Right?

And then who comes up next? Who comes up next? me a fucking junior, right? Guerrero Jr. Second pitch he sees right into the goddamn seats. Three pitches, it's already two to nothing, but then it just stayed

that way for a while. And I thought there was a chance the Dodgers were going to claw back in and then the Blue Jays just had one of those fucking innings. And the Dodgers actually, you know, a lot of passballs, a lot of them. It's kind of weird. Like that 18 inning game like some of the worst base runnings I've seen

like people trying to stretch a double into a triple or try to go to first to third on a single to right just getting gunned down third baseman waving people around there and dude they were perfect throw perfect throw and the catcher then had to go thousand one thousand two

before the guy even got to the plate that was a strange game but anyway they came back they won both games and now they're going back for games six and that uh that wizard that japanese kid is going to be on the mound for uh the dodgers he has six different pitches somebody was saying like you know if he fucking had you know if you just have three pitches you can dominate a game this guy has six different pitches and they all come from the exact same place when he throws it i mean what are you supposed to do with that um

I think that kid's going to throw a gem and it goes to game seven and then everybody's just going to be if you even fucking if you even like scratch your ear as a pitcher they're going to take you out of the game they're just going to fucking bring everybody in everybody's throwing everybody's going to be throwing

Kirshaw is going to get in the whole fucking thing it's going to be a seven game classic that is my prediction and you know what we're all going to sit there and watch it in our houses with our dishes and our fucking cable whatever the fuck you have and then meanwhile there's just going to be like almost people just walking around living their best life doing whatever the fuck they want to do you know it's another great thing

about fucking being homeless day drinking day drinking no one to answer to you know you don't have to sign a fucking pre-up to hang out with another fucking homeless person. This is what we're going to do, people. You know, it's a really fucking negative time out there. We're going to spin everything positive today. Upsides. Upside of being homeless. Okay?

No refinancing, no mortgage, no interest. No nothing. Do you think those fucking guys are going to get the real ID? You think when people get microchip that fucking homeless people? all of those people that you drive by and you feel better then and you tell them to get a fight

that's a fucking movie right there everybody gets microchipped except for the homeless people and then the homeless people all get together to save the society they don't want to participate in have some big fucking speech you know they may We may have homes, but we have freedom, right?

Bring fucking Mel Gibson back. Running down a fucking exit ramp instead of over a hill. I love, like, whenever they show, like, whenever they do a movie about, like, homeless people and stuff like that. For some reason, it's always very, like, you know, I don't know, it's very, like, brave heart. Like, they always have people, like, you know, with, like, clubs and all of this. type of shit. And just like, yeah, okay, there's people down there swinging two by fours, absolutely. There's definitely pallets of wood on fire. But there's also some Air Jordans. There's some uptowns. They're not clean, but, you know, it's not get crazy. People

aren't down there wearing the fucking ankle high sandals and having a Captain America shield. Okay, they're homeless. They're not from the fucking middle ages. Okay? And, you know, as much as Hollywood He's out there fucking with the images of different races and sexualities and all that. Nobody ever seems to stand up for the homeless. How come every homeless person looks like they're an escape from New York in a Hollywood movie? Haven't you ever seen somebody begging going on? That guy must be like newly homeless because he is dressed like he almost has an apartment.

you get free cable free cable looking over people eating on a sidewalk just staring at the fucking TV behind the bar there's another upside of being homeless you don't get any spam nobody asking you to vote for something do you think they give a fuck if this orange-headed flimflam guy

giving ginger's a bad name gets a third fucking term they don't give a fuck alligator alcatraz would that's like you and I going down to Margaritaville and I actually think

homeless people the only people they could jump into that water and the alligators would leave them alone you know what I mean you know like animals just know like they don't drink out of stagnant water they're not eating a homeless person Okay

That's street meat to them They're not fucking with that shit They want fine dining Somebody that was yanked out of a home With children crying That's what they want to eat Fucking world we're living in All right

Another upside of being a homeless person Like what was like All the homeless people in Florida You never hear any of them Getting eaten by an alligator Who always gets eaten by an alligator? Some kid jumped out of a car running from the cops, right? Nice brand new pair of fucking sneakers on.

Just gets fucking eaten. Homeless people, never. You know what is about homeless people and alligators? There's an understanding. You know what I mean? Like you ever see like the alligator when he just sits there and he's floating on the water and he's got birds in his mouth, cleaning his teeth, and he never eats the birds.

There's a fucking, there's an understanding. I don't want to get a toothache So I'm going to let you do I'm going to let you do what you do Shout out to anybody who owns a fucking G-wagon How that motherfucker doesn't tip over Look at this guy backing up

He's got the nice fucking pipes on it He's looking at his phone at the same time He's putting his fucking music on He's probably going to talk to me Because he's looked at me like three fucking times I can't tell if this is going to be a can you give me directions or I like your truck it's going to be one of the two and then across the way you just got a guy getting into a fucking late 2000s Prius

and you know what all three of us have in common we're not homeless we're not homeless and I know that that guy who just pulled in is going in to go do some shit he doesn't want to do this guy who just pulled out in his Prius just got done doing some shit he didn't want to do on his way to more shit he doesn't want to do and this is his moment this is his moment he's in the car

he's going to put the song on he wants to listen to he's going to fantasize that he's in the band and that chick who broke his heart comes back to him and sucks his dick I mean who can't relate to that you know can't a homeless person because he's living or she's living

their best fucking life If you had to be homeless, like what vehicle would you pick? You know what I mean? You wouldn't want a G-wagon. First of all, you couldn't, that's too much panhandling. You know? I would say a station wagon, but you want the back windows tinted. So when you take your nap during the day,

because as a homeless person, you sleep during the day. You sleep during the day because at night it becomes Thunderdome. Okay? Sun goes down, two by four comes out. That's how it works. Sun comes up, everybody stands down. Just like the birds and the alligators, there is an understanding. I think that that's what the theme of this podcast is today.

Having an understanding. There is an understanding. There is an understanding that when a fat guy is a baseball fan, he's not going to buy a jersey that fits. okay he's just going to buy one that he never buttons he's going to wear it like a jacket you know because they don't mass produce

the Cecil Fielder sized jersey you got to get that custom order right and if you have the money for that you're sitting in the box seats and if you have money for box seats you're not wearing a jersey you're wearing you're wearing like some sort of elevated like

uh brooks brother's shit you know that shit that white guys wear that just like never questioned just never questioned their position you know like dockers is this what we're doing fuck it dockers no loafers let's do it join a join a fucking country club absolutely hey how you're hitting them oh yeah yeah you're probably picking your head up

and they just fucking just unexamined you know but with a mortgage as opposed to a homeless guy. We just live in unexamined life with no mortgage. I mean, that's basically those are your, essentially, your two options as a person. You can live an unexamined life with a mortgage

or an unexamined life without a mortgage. Guess what homeless people don't know about? The Great Barrier Reef is dying. They don't know a fucking thing about it. They don't give a shit. You told a fucking homeless guy Do you want to sign this petition To save the Great Barrier Reef

All he's doing is looking at the clipboard going I could burn that and stay warm tonight I swear to God I swear to God If one more comedian asked me to do a fuck benefit for the goddamn homeless i swear to god i'm going to i'm going to hand them a list of the upsides you want me do a benefit for someone without a fucking mortgage i just had to redo my fucking kitchen because i bought a house that was a flip and and the second it's done i come back to

my house in a fucking pipe burst and water goes all over everything i just fucking had put it in and And I'm doing a benefit for somebody. He doesn't have a house. Hey, fucking congratulations. Congratulations, you don't have a fucking house. That means you don't have neighbors. You don't have property lines. You don't have property taxes.

You know, the roach guy isn't coming around to spray cancer in your yard just to make sure you get sick. How come they don't look into that, huh? How come people don't get up in arms about that? I know. I've learned a lot over the last month. Okay, sell them arms, sell them cheesecake, do not tell them jokes. Got it. I got my mind, I got my mind right, boss. I got my mind. Do not bring people together. Make them fat or give them something to blow other people up with.

And God damn it, you're in good standing. You're in good standing. With the people that air quote care. Anyway, speaking of that, I'm putting together some fucking dates Before I forget how to do stand-up But I've been having a good time I was giving me, I'm not having a good time Taking this fucking time off

All my fucking demons are coming back You know All my demons are coming back And all I'm looking is at his fucking homeless people Going, you know what? That doesn't look so bad Doesn't look so fucking bad. What do we got here? This is some sort of station wagon next to me. I'm going to say

that's a Volvo. You know what it is? Nice champagne-colored fucking Volvo. Not too big, not too small. You know what that car says? Says, you know what? I think it is going to be okay. I think everything is going to be all right. I just got my truck back from getting serviced. I was in it right and it just kept making this fucking rattling noise it sounded like there was a lug nut inside of the hubcap and i couldn't i've been talking you talked to you guys about that turns out the part of this night not the steering linkage not the steering assembly part of literally down by the wheel when you uh maybe it is part of that i don't know what it is i got on the truck and he showed it to me and my truck has never i think it has always needed that like the pin came out and uh you know

there's still bolts and stuff but it was definitely rattling it was loose or whatever so they did one on both sides i had this great mechanic and you know they don't make this stuff he said the pin is being machined so these guys they're they're they're artists and this my truck i swear to god right now is is a fucking daily driver it's as old it's older than i am i was born in june of 68 this truck was made in march of 68 according to the vin number and uh i got the dry ice cleaning underneath it's the underneath of the truck looks brand new um everything is just fucking up to date and they've done such a great job that i can actually say this out loud like everybody owns an old car you never say how great it's running because then that that's a fucking wrap but um i can actually

say with full confidence that um this truck is running fantastic um all right i got some bullshit shit I got to do for the next hour. And then I'm going to do the final 10 minutes of this. Okay? But I, you know, I want you guys, you stop giving homeless people money. The next time a homeless person asks you for money, I want you to stop and be like, what do you need money for you, lucky son of a bitch? You think I don't want to sit down right now with my dog, with the sign?

Guess what? I got something you have and it's not an apartment or a house. It's called Bills. I'm running on a fucking wheel right now and you're sitting there with your goddamn toes on the sidewalk.

Tell you what, I'll give you some money if you just admit that it's not all bad being homeless. Nice 72 degree degree day

somebody gave you a 20 you got a bacon egg and cheese you're sitting on a park bench and you're watching everybody scurrying around in the Matrix and you're eating that fucking bacon egg and cheese and your little carton of OJ

and you feel like a god every once in a while I don't know all right I'll be back Okay, and I am back. Jeez, what a day. Jesus Christ, what a fucking day. Anyway, let's get, what the fuck was I even talking about.

You know what's funny is I went into my thing and that girl who opened the fucking door into the curb was in the building and she was talking super loud on her phone and her mother told her to stop three times and she finally got up and walked out into the hall It was fucking hilarious.

Anyway, so I'm watching the Dodger game last night. And who do I see sitting fucking ringside? Sandy Kofax, who I told you guys just a long time ago. I was at Caesar's Palace and Pete Rose, the late great Pete Rose was signing pictures. I'm looking at him right now. There was these two pictures. I'll tell you what he wrote.

it's the 75 and 76 series and both of them have him diving head first without a helmet into third base 1975 I said when he's playing the Red Sox one he's playing the Yankees So he wrote Billy I'm sorry Pete Rose 1975 World Series MVP And I remember when I asked him to write

I'm sorry he looked at me like fucking his eyes got like like, you know, all competitive. And I go, can you write, I'm sorry? And he looks at me and he goes, I'm not. I go, I know, I go, dude, it's a joke, it's a joke. And then with the Yankees won in 76, he wrote Bill, you're welcome. Pete Rose, 1976 World Series, Yankees Zero, Reds Four, sweep. Four games to not.

I said, yeah, you came back and you beat him in 76, and he was like, swept their asses. So anyway, I asked him, me and my friend, we asked him who was the toughest guy. ever faced. And he goes, why don't you guess? So we, you know, we guessed all the guys from Azera, all the power pitchers, you know, Drysdale, Gibson, and so forth. And he was like, nope. And he said, Sandy Kofax. And we said, really? And he said, yeah. And he imitated the ball coming in from the right and coming in from the left, dropping off the table. So anyway, so I'm watching this guy. And I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, you know, this is what I hate about smartphones. I'm watching the game. And all of a sudden I'm going like, well,

is this guy. I look it up, he's either 90 or he's going to be 90. And then I was thinking like, well, shit, how many people are alive from the 55 Brooklyn Dodgers? He's the only guy left. Have they ever asked an older person, what is that like? You know what I mean? Because you got that thing where, you know, when you're younger, you want to live forever. And then I've seen this with a few old people that I've known. They, when they, when you outlive all your friends, like anytime like you see these people like on the news and they're like a hundred something years old, like everyone in their high school graduating class is dead.

How fucked up is that? That's got to be like such a weird, just a weird feeling. you know to be just picturing all it's already like becoming now like I'm watching you know I watch a lot of old movies and when I was grown up you'd watch a black and white movie and there'd be some dead people in it now I'm watching color movies and like half the cast is fucking gone because you know they've had color movies my whole fucking life and I'm just like I'm like why the fuck am I doing this this is depressing I'm watching the world series it's a great well I'll tell you what's Sandy Cofax doesn't do is probably think about that every goddamn day and that's why he made it to 90. I don't know. Anyway, I don't think I have any reads this week or this Thursday. I don't. But I'm going to be putting together and be doing some more like warm-up shows or just sort of keeping my, um, keeping my, uh, you know, act where it needs to be through the holiday season. and then I go

and then oh, Billy's back to touring touring the States or wherever the fuck I'm going to be. Anyway, going to have to take a fucking old man nap here. Yawning here. All right, that is the podcast, everybody. Thank you so much for listening.

I hope you guys all have a great weekend, your cons, and I will check in on you. Oh no, I will see you. I will talk to you. I'll help you through getting through the 45, minutes on an elliptical on Monday. All right. I'll see you. Is this on? Is this? All right. Here we go. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's

time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Monday. Yes, October, what's today? The 28th, 29th, the 30th. It's going to be the 30th. This is my first live one ever. I'm sitting at the very best, It's a very metrosexual couch. This looks like a lot of guys, blue other guys, on this thing. This is sort of the reverse W hotel, the way they have this thing. Like the W. Hotel, it just looks like everything's been jizzed on and that a bunch of yolo duches had a threesome there or something. This looks like, is there like a gay chain of hotels that just caters to gay people?

You know, see, this is why this is going to be weird with the live crowd, Because to me, that was no big deal. Everybody got real quiet there, like that was a problem. Is he trashing gay people? Is he saying that there should be segregated hotels? No, I am not. Okay? I'm just saying that it would be nice if you could separate them

from the general population in the hotels. Okay? That's what I'm running on. I'm going to out-hate Trump and fucking... Whenever the next stupid election is going to be. I'm going to out-hate them. I'm just going to start calling him. pussy, and I'm just going to fucking, I'm going to hate even more than him.

Then I'm going to get elected, and then I'll tear down whatever part of the wall he made. Which I know is a hot-button issue here in Arizona. Oh, yeah, they should have the wall. Oh, they shouldn't? Yeah, that's what I would run on a platform. I would run on a platform that gay people should have their own hotels. I'm so sick of walking into lobby, seeing men holding hands with other men. And it just started off on something bizarre like that, just so I can watch my opponent going,

wait a minute, I never even thought about hating this. You know? Why won't Hillary Clinton go away? Why can't she just understand that nobody likes her? She's just fucking hanging around, just like that fucking kid who just shows up. Like, nobody tell her there's a party, and then she shows up, you know?

You know what happened with her? No one ever poured blood on her at a fucking prom. That's what they should have done to finally fucking get rid of her, you know? She just keeps hanging around like she's a winner, you know? Did Jim Kelly hang around after losing four fucking Super Bowls? He didn't. He fucking disappeared, and every once in a while an NFL crew finds the fucking guy and goes, hey, Jim, let's talk about your career.

I don't want it. I really don't want to. I did have a great career, but all you want to dwell on is the negative. Oh my God, she's just, she's just, she tries, you know, she's going to fucking, she's going to take volume. You still can't hear it? What? Louder? All right, this was the dumbest.

For you guys listening at home who can hear this totally fine. There's like 500 people staring at me right now, bitching that they can't hear it. So I'm holding a microphone with a yellow windscreen and a little fucking lapel mic, all right? As far as I can tell, only the phone. foreigners, for some reason, can't fucking hear me. Everybody has some sort of Australian acts. Louder! Sing out! Fucking people.

Foreigners coming in. What the fuck did you come here for? To tell us how fucked up our country is? I love when people come here and they start bitching about this country. It's just like, I don't do that when I go to Australia. Talk about how fucked up your country is that only around the edges is it livable. It's fucking unbelievable. If you can't see the ocean, you're just completely, you're in no man's land. No man's land.

200 are the most poisonous fucking snakes ever? Do I say that when I go to Australia? No, I don't. I just go, oh, look at the surf. Oh, my God, it's gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. Look at that sad tan guy blowing into that giant horn. I bet he used to own this view way back in the day.

I bet his ancestors did. What is the call on that? You know what I mean? I never understand. Like, when I was in fucking Canada, the rule was, what did they say? Like, I called them the natives, the natives of Canada, and they got all fucking offended. They said, we're called the originals. The original, everything with Canada, the original six, the original people, you know what I mean?

The original recipe of whatever fucking syrup, they're trying to sell you. You know what I mean? Charlie, everybody loves Canada like they're a bunch of friendly people, they're not. They're all a bunch of fucking racist, sticky people. And they're in a bad mood from yaking that sap out of the fucking trees. And then what do they do? They kick all the indigenous people all the way up north,

you know, to give them a perimeter between them and the polar bears. That's what happened, you know? You ever see any of these big Hollywood types talking about them? Merrill Streep, you know? I don't know why I picked her. I'm still pissed to her that she said the martial arts are not the arts.

Oh, really? What would you know about that? Oh, I get it. You wear a wig and you pretend to be other people. Like, by all means, let me listen to you about social issues. You get your fucking goddamn car to go back to your gated community. When does she ever see minorities, huh? When she looks into the front seat of whoever's driving?

By all means, Merrill. Tell me what society is like from behind your gated community. Somebody told me today that there's legislation right now going through, I don't know, where does it go through the government? Right now I'm thinking the schoolhouse rock songs, right? I'm just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill. And then it's off to the White House where there's something, something.

and then it comes back to a bunch of white men and they vote to see if it will be a low. How I hope and pray. Normally I wouldn't sing in public, but I feel like I'm in my bedroom. I have plush furniture like this in my bedroom. Look at that one with the fucking overhang. Sorry, did this go out again?

Sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry to each and every one of you, especially the millennials. I'm sure you're fucking heard about it and you're going to hashtag some sort of me too. me too I couldn't hear either me too

me too I also had something bad happen hey here's something you can say in this country three fucking meals a day me too me too

first world country me too flat screen TV me too everybody dwelling on the negative he's fucking feminist man I swear to God I want to go to one of their events

and just get up to that microphone and just be like, excuse me, is there anything good about being a woman at any point during your day? And you're like, thank God I'm a woman.

Or I would have had to step in that mud puddle, whatever the fuck I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to take my fucking coat off. You know? I have a little more respect for these feminists when they care a little bit more

about guys' jackets. You know? It's always a fucking issue that they care about, you know? And in the 70s, we were forced to wear clogs, and a lot of our mothers blew out their ACLs. It gives a shit.

I'll listen to a feminist, but not if she's white. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, I won't. Okay, at the end of the day, you were a white woman in the United States of America. What is the problem? Huh? Did someone take away your rosé for the afternoon?

Did they shut down the fucking trolley down at the mall? What is happening? In your world. No, seriously. All right, look, if you're living some honey-boo-boo-boos lifestyle, right? You're living off the Appalachian. Somebody got rickets and Lyme disease, right?

Husband never wear a shirt, you know what I mean? He just wears that long underwear with the trap drawer behind the back. You know what I mean? You know he's going out when he puts on his best overalls, right? Those guys have it right. Those guys know how to live out there. If you truly want to get along with the woman, you've got to live right off the Appalachian Trail.

You know, you've got to be off the grid, and you just have to have no television, okay? And then you can slap her around all you want, and she's never going to know. This is just how it is. You know what I mean? If you have a dirt floor, like taking a beating is not the big, it just seems like part of your life. It's like seamless. The worst thing we ever did for women is linoleum and like wall-to-wall carpet. Then we lost all of our power.

Yeah, you've seen it. When Twitter first came out, women were just hashtagging whatever you say. Now, somebody's going to take a snippet of that and put it on a fucking news show, and then I'm going to get in trouble. Are you trying to say that women deserve to be beaten on dirt floors? And at that point, you just got to go with it. Just be like, yes. And I'm running for president in fucking 2020. And don't even get me started with the gays in the hotels.

That's right. You run the most hateful fucking campaign ever. You don't wear the Confederate flag, but all of your suits, if you look quickly, have all the colors of it. All right? And then in the end, you just totally flip the whole thing. You flipped the whole thing.

You have an openly gay guy as a fucking, like, sitcom-level gay. You know what I mean? Not like real gay. Like TV gay. You know what I mean? TV gay. It's kind of like when you watch wrestling, how they enhance their personalities. That's what they do with gay people on TV.

They got to just go fucking through. through the roof with the sass, you know what I mean? Rather than just having it coming out surprisingly every once in a while. I don't know what I'm talking about. It feels like, what does this feel like? How long have I been doing up here? Oh, 10 minutes and 48 seconds.

There you go. This is my world. This is my life. This is what I do. This couch is not... This couch just feels like it was made out of old coats. Like a couple of old tarps or some shit like that. I hate how it's trying to be plush. This was considered like right here this was considered fancy in the 70s if I could just get this

lapel mic up here this just anytime there was a button that was sunk all the way in it to try to make this look plush you know even though it feels like fucking weak old bread that you're laying on honey all I want is that this is what I literally have to do I have to fucking put the mic down here it just won't clip on in any fucking area that is acceptable now that is the people at home can't hear it. Probably because I clipped it on to the... This is like the biggest lapel ever. There we go. Jesus. It's going to get a bumblebee. I thought it's supposed to be like barely noticeable, isn't it? All right. You know what? I don't give a fuck. Let's read about some... Let's look up some Phoenix News here. Phoenix News, ladies and

gentlemen. Let's see what's going on in Greater Phoenix. You know what this show's reminding me of? Do you guys remember when Cheers went off the air and Jay Leno tried to do it. live, and the whole cast got shit-faced. Do you remember that? And he had nobody to talk to. Fuck it. We'll do it live. All right. Let's look up. Phoenix News. All right. What do we got here? All right. Update. Woman critically injured in West Phoenix shooting has died. Let's see. Woman shot killed in Phoenix early Saturday morning. standard that's standard okay homeless man

beat CVS worker for sunblock that's a new one suspect is described as looking like if Che Guevaro fucked a lizard Phoenix police arrest suspect in deadly shooting. What is going on out here? Stolen truck from Phoenix, captured on

speeding. Why don't they have anything nice? Phoenix, wedding invitation. Designers must serve LGBT. Oh, Arizona, here we go. They don't like Martin Luther King. They don't like the gays. Oh, Jesus. Oh, the goddamn gays. What are they going to do? They're going to walk around and enjoy themselves? Get back in the house where God wants you. Phoenix Woman, 21 accused of abusing three-year-old boy. See, ladies, it goes both ways. Women also beat men. Let's read that one.

This is always uplifting, huh? I don't know why this. There it is. All right, there we go. Okay, Phoenix Woman 21 accused of abusing a three-year-old boy. All right, my first question as a juror, be like, well, what did the kid do? You know what I mean? Can the kid walk?

Is it big enough to make a fist? You know what I mean? There's no excuse to hit a woman. So if this kid was punching on her, you know, because it wanted to breastfeed or some shit, then I think she had every right to just pick him up by his osh-gosh-bogoshes or whatever. Push him right off that plastic pony.

A Phoenix woman who had been reported missing earlier this month along with a three-year-old boy, Now faces child abuse charges in a case, court document says, I'm not going to say her name, but I swear to God her first name looks like tequila. 21 was arrested Thursday on suspicion of one count of child abuse in connection with injuries to the toddler. Oh, shake it off. Investigation said in a court dog, I'm supposed to see how far into the beating of a child I can go, just how quiet this crowd's going to get.

The child was beaten on its birthday. because it wasn't happy with the cake. The suspect said, well, if you didn't like the cake, you're surely not going to like this lit candle. All right, I'm not reading the rest of this. I'm not reading the rest of this. This is too sad. I don't know what is wrong.

I take this back. This is fun, making you guys fucking really uncomfortable. I'm enjoying the shit out of this. Let's read some more sad news. In Phoenix. Let's see how far down we can... By the way, you can feel the downtown area. It's about ready to blow up.

I'm telling you, you got a great food area down the street. You got an arena. There's a CVS. Come on, man. I can feel it. I sensed this in Cleveland, and it turned around. I knew it was going to happen in Detroit. And who's kidding who?

Phoenix is the Detroit of the Southwest. It is. You just never had a riot. because you don't let African Americans in your state. That's what, yes, that's what it is. Who says no to a day off? You guys ought to be ashamed of yourselves. All right, what else?

Okay, local headlines. I'll end it with this here. I don't want to shit on you guys too much. All right. Valley traffic closures, that's not exciting. Thank you for backing that up, man. No, it isn't. I did not pay money to come out and listen.

Do the traffic report. I can listen that on my AM radio, thank you very much. County offers free dog adoptions to ease the crowding. All right, let's talk, okay, we already got a fucking beat-up kid. Let's talk about abused animals. Is your dog there? Is my dog where? In there?

No, my dog lives in a house out here that I bought for it. So go fuck yourself. What was happening is the amount of money that I was spending to board the dog was less than a mortgage out here. So I said, fuck it. And I set up like a Hugh Hefner lease with my trainer. It's like, all right, as long as the dog's alive, you live here rent-free, and you take care of it. I come out and visit whenever I want. He's like, cool. I go, when the dog dies, then, you know, you either buy the house or you leave or you start renting. He was like, cool. So, you know damn well that dog's getting fucking surloin every night.

It's Cleo. The dog's name is Cleo, and she barely remembers me now because she's getting treated so well. The fucking house is nicer than my one in L.A. So there you go. Mr. Gilt Trip over there. Now, let's talk about this shit over here. Let's talk about what you guys do to dogs in this state.

What is with this fucking advertising? Am I on Netflix? What happened? Coca-Cola. We are so much more than cola. Yeah, your fucking gum disease. Where's Nia? She's right backstage. She'll be out in a minute. I'm fucking with you. She's at home taking care of our child. Aha. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Not going to happen.

It's not going to happen, sir. Just like your dreams. That is not going to happen. Your dreams won't come true, and Nia's not coming out here. Have anybody watching that Texas Tech Oklahoma game? Jesus, it was like no fucking defense in that, man. None whatsoever. By the way, thank you to everybody here. Thank you. Thank you to everybody here.

That has come out to the All Things Comedy Podcast Network, our first ever podcast festival. It's been a smashing success. Did you guys see when you walked in? We had Caddyshack playing outside. You can play. that cornhole fucking game

you can drink a bunch of beers this is what's all about it's all about hanging out getting fucked up listening to morons who don't know how to read do podcasts that's what this entire thing is all about all right what do you guys Houston what about those fucking Houston Astros going up two to one

two to one against the LA Dodgers I don't know who to root for in this one because you know I live in Los Angeles you know I know Houston just had that hurricane but it's over right everything dried up

those fans look all happy and dry when you watch the game almost to the point I was just going look how nice this looks what was all the fucking complaining about Jesus Christ it rains a little bit and everybody out in Houston starts losing their fucking minds you know do you think one of them has ever sent a postcard to Seattle

those poor people sit in rain for like 360 days out of the fucking year I will guarantee you not a fucking peep. Not a peep from Houston. Houston, Jesus. What a shady city that is, huh? NASA.

How many people down there do you think? I bet that whole fucking hurricane, that whole fucking hurricane, I bet it didn't even happen. I bet they just let some damn water go down there, and it was all the only excuse to kill the last few people alive that were part of the fake lunar landing reenactment

at NASA. So they got rid of them. And what else goes on in Houston? They got the Klan right outside there that drags people to death. Which I'm suppliers didn't get an applause break here in fucking Arizona. It was one other thing. What the fuck was I talking about? Oh, and then they got Halliburton.

Halliburton that changed their fucking name. I know, I know, I know. We're over there to fucking, what are we doing over there? We're concerned about their freedom. We've got to get these Iraqis to be free. Oh, and it gets awkwardly silent here. Oh, you know what I did? So anyways, I think I'm going to be, I think I'm going to,

I'm going to tell you right now why the fucking Astros are going to win the World Series. Okay? I'm going to tell you why it's going to happen. It has nothing to do with baseball. It has to do the fact that Jason Lawhead is rooting for the Dodgers. He's here tonight. Jason Lawhead grew up in Cleveland. All right?

He's fucked. Okay? Like the second you come out of the womb, the curse of that city just engulfed him. And everywhere he goes, he's like the mush in a Bronx tale. Just tear up your fucking tickets, L.A., it's over. You're not going to win another game.

No, I have no idea. I'm actually rooting that there's going to be seven games. I hope it'll be seven games. Give me something to do. I don't know that there's going to be seven games. Do you know that there's going to be seven games, sir? Does somebody know? Oh, because of the money?

You guys think it's all about the money? That's why I don't give the charities anymore. I'm done with fucking charities. I didn't give one fucking dime to Houston, okay? You want to walk up to me up to your neck and water with a, I live in Houston hat, then I'm going to give you money. All right, but I'm not giving to it. any of these fucking things anymore

because these fucking organizations, they keep, I'm convinced that most of them, they just keep the fucking money. That's what, anytime you see a tragedy, just know that there's a bunch of people going on, I can make a bunch of fucking money off of that. Hashtag I care too, right? And then you give them $20, you feel like you did your part.

You know what I mean? Like, how much money'd think Trump collected before he went over there with those bounty paper towels and just handed him out in Puerto Rico? He must have made a fucking killing. Probably spent the rest on hair plugs and fucking I don't understand how he became a redhead as he got older I don't understand he had brown hair

It's like somebody transitioning Like I don't get somebody who like changes religions Not all of this is going to make sense everybody You still can't fucking hear me I don't know what to do should I stick this in my fucking mouth Then could you hear me How's that? Is that good? Does this work? Is this working for both of you? Maybe if I clip this onto the microphone. Um, Jesus Christ. You know what this feels like right now? This feels like when

I was in summer school and I was just staring at the fucking clock like 23 minutes, 23 minutes. Jesus Christ. Why did I wear a sweatshirt out here? Um, oh, by the way, I got to do a, I got to do a promotion. I got to do a promotion. I saw, I went to a movie premiere, uh, of the 30 for 30, the nature boy, Rick Flair, is coming out. I have to tell you this right now, might be the best 30 for 30 I ever fucking saw. It should be 90. Actually, it is 90 minutes. It is 90 minutes. I thought it was only 30 minutes. It was 90 minutes, sir. It wasn't, your dream came true. See that, everybody? I'm going to start a charity for this guy in a portion of the process.

seats are going to go towards him. The rest of them are going to go to me in a new fucking drum kit. I'll put his picture on the bass drum head. Each day, thousands of people are dying of cancer and I want a boat. If you call this number, we can put a slight dent in it and I can get the boat of my fucking dreams and finally get rid of my wife and start. living openly with my mistress. Please take the number down. The first 300 people that call in will get a free t-shirt

with a donation of over three times the cost to produce this t-shirt. No one will check to see if the t-shirts were actually sent out. That's the move, people. There's three moves to make in this country at this point if you want to exist in the future. One, you either grow weed

and anticipation that it becomes legal at a federal level and you can get it out of your fucking state because I know in Colorado I guess they're drowning in the shit they got more weed than they got hippies they got more oh my God

I got to tell you the dirtiest looking white people you're ever going to see in your life are in Colorado I can't imagine being a minority in Colorado looking at the white people there, you've got to be thinking like,

how the fuck are we working for these people? How are these people running shit? I mean, everybody just looks like they fell into a vat of pachuli, right? You know, they're always intertubing and shit. They just live outside. They're just, I don't know. That's like in the Denver area. You know, then you get out in the western part of the states,

and then it gets better, you know? You got the Illuminati's in the, rocky mountains. You know what I mean? They make sure it stays nice and cold up there so the body of their first wife never melts away. You know what I mean? That's what they keep doing. That's the code word. You're going skiing with your third wife today? Yeah, we're going on the double black diamond. That's code for I'm going to fucking steer her into a tree. You know, that's what's going to happen when global warming really hits and all the snow melts up in fucking Aspen and veil. The amount of dead women that are going to be underneath there.

The amount of first wives, the before I made my first million love. You know what I mean? When I was at the college level, before I went pro. You know? I don't know. Sometimes I think you ought to be able to kill your first wife, though.

Because there's like too many people on the planet and then also can maybe put them on their heels. Not saying you do it. But just the fact that she would know it was okay. I think from where I sit would have a really positive effect on the

relationship. I think the reality television viewing would go down. I should do these more because with you guys laughing, I won't get in trouble. You know what I mean? It's when I'm by myself and there's dead silence. It stops sounding like I'm fucking around and it sounds more like, is this guy reading from his own manifesto.

Yeah, they ought to come up with creative ways to get rid of people. I guess the optimal number, according to something that somebody said me, is 500 million people on this planet. And we're up to 6.5 billion. So I think that there's things that you can do. Like, stop rescuing pit bulls. You should just set them free and let them wander the street. streets in packs.

And then everybody has a cyanide pill. You know? So if you get, you know, if you want to be ripped apart by a pack of wild dogs, you can just eat it every once in a while. Or maybe you do that. Like, I don't know. Like there's some sort of incentive for your family if you're off yourself. You know what I mean? I think if you off yourself, that's an even better way because then they can like prepare rather than just have a bunch of carcasses on the side of the road. That'll cause

diseases, which is good. But after a certain point, once we get under 500 million, now you're just killing the chosen ones, the blue chips, right? They should have like an NFL combine to find, you know, you've got to get your, like every country has to get their roster down to a, down to a number, right? Like, you're allowed to have 100,000 people. You're not allowed to judge it by race, religion, sex, or anything like that, right? And you just have the best of the best of race, sex, religion, all of that fucking shit that we care about, right? You just have that. Cruise ships? No, no cruise ships. That's not going to work, because that's also an environmental disaster. I regret doing that bit on my last special. I never thought of all

the oil that was going to be seeping there. So my new one is that you just let him pull into port, and then you just mull them all down. They die happy with their silly hats and their flip-flops. I know, none of that's right. This is in a time like this, don't you think this should be more caring? Somebody told me today that they're actually selling land on Mars. Can I somehow get in on that? I'll sell you the whole fucking planet for 15 grand.

You can get out there and figure out there's no atmosphere, and then you're going to die. It's a shame. I mean, it's there. You can see it. Look right through the telescope. I sold you that. If you can get there and breathe, it's going to be all yours. It's going to be all yours.

that's a way you know something right there that'd be the first way of how you get rid of people you sell land on mars and anybody that goes to buy it you go okay you want you got a little bit of land come down here to claim it and then they walk into a room like joe pesci and goodfellas right you put a gun to their head you're like hey wait a minute what the fuck it's like well dude you obviously don't want to be here you'd rather go to mars it's too crowded you know I'm going to send you to heaven, man. You can see all the planets. All right.

I like what people wonder if there's life on other planets. You know what I mean? Like, why would you, you know, who gives a shit if there is? You can't talk to them. They're too far away, you know? And what if they're smart enough to get here? Do you really want to wave your arms? You know, why don't you just hitchhike down the fucking highway?

see what happens. All right, I've got to do some reads here for this week. Okay, here we go. Oh, look who's... Oh, Indochino. Indochino. Indochino. Talk about how every man looks better in his suit.

You know, when I'm having gay thoughts, you know, if I was going to fuck a man, I would prefer that he was in a suit because... I don't want to feel dirty afterwards. I'd like to feel that I was with the gentleman that was raised right. You know? Last thing I'd want to do is fuck a gay guy from Denver wearing his flip-flops and his fucking Hawaiian shirt.

This probably be the last read for these guys. All right. Indochino is making it easy to get a perfectly tailored suit at an incredible price. You can choose from hundreds of top-quality fabrics and personalize your suit just the way you want it, whether it's for work or a wedding or another special occasion. I can't read people.

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I'd let you guys hit the high notes right I'm like one of those hair metal guys who can't fucking hit the high notes at it and he just fucking just saying nodding at you with that devil look it's an incredible deal for a suit that will fit you better than anything off the rack ever could all right oh look who's here

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Cruder? With ZipRecruiter, you can post your job to over 100 fucking... 100... I just cursed to give myself time to catch up. 100 of the web's leading... I feel like I have like a strawberry in my hand that I'm just never going to eat with this little lapel. Like somebody's saying something really interesting?

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That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Burr. more time. Don't say recruiter until I point at you. One more time. Try it for free. Go to Zip. You fucking blew it. The key is you got to make him feel like the fucking the recording. Yeah, take two. Come on, Phoenix. You're better than this. One more time. To try it for free. For free. Go to zip. Blanche Burr. All right, we got through it. Oh, and here's the last one. Here's another great one.

Oh, it's Miandis, everybody. Yay. Bo-Doot-Doo, do... Meandis. There's always one con who doesn't do it right. Du-do-do-do. Beundies. Meanties. I hope someone kills you tonight. All you had to do was listen to me. I don't have two mics. I should have three.

I don't know. This fucking windscreens is soft as you. your taint when you wear a pair of this fucking shit they make them for the ladies drying out your fucking clam all right sorry

okay meundies everybody meundies makes your butt what meandies your butt will be proud to wear I hate that fucking word it's either your ass you know butt it's just too you know

I'm an ass man I just that word never just butt that's if you have a flat ass you have a butt over lower back down to your ankles you know what I mean that's how I'm built naked I have the exact same silhouette as the Pink Panther big head big feet just fucking straight right down I swear to God you could hang advertising off my backside um all right me undies makes undies your butt will be proud to wear and check this out I'm not the only one who loves Miundis. Listen to my

longtime listener and Miundi's enthusiast George has to say. Is this George Michael? Did he write this from Beyond the Grave? Maybe he wore the first month Miandis. Remember that when he was shaking his ass? And I think it would be nice if I could touch your body and fucking jerky wop in

a fucking port of potty. Then get arrested with cheers in my stubble. wearing my fucking cowboy boots. I like that guy, and now he's dead. All right, a note from George N. A Bill Burr listener and Meyndy's fan. I decided to try out Meyndy's, because I love Bill Burr's

mey's jingle. I smile every time he sings it. This reeks of being rewritten by the advertising. What kind of man says that? I just look out the window and smile. Do you just smile when you? I don't believe a word of this. Although it's so easy to skip ads in a podcast,

I always listen to Bill's Reads. And I'm so glad Miondi's has stuck with. Did Al Gore write this? It's, this is about as sincere as him. Have I told you guys my theory on why Hillary keeps fucking losing, even though she only lost once, it's because she has Mike Dukakis' charisma, and she's as uncomfortable in her own skin as Al Gore.

and you combine those two and what you have is a dope that loses to an even bigger dope oh man this is a Trump state I can feel it oh yeah is he making it better for you oh it's too late it's you had a chance

you had a chance of the day off and you said no this is the fucking candidate you've always been waiting for huh just coming in wearing his red tie and his fucking silk underwear telling you how it is All right, although it's so easy to

Who gives a shit about this fucking guy smiling, looking out the window with silky balls? Before Meyundis, I used to buy a three-pack of underwear at retail stores until I realized that I wanted to treat my junk to something more comfortable, and that starts with a great pair of Meyundis

cradling the family jewels. To get 20% off, the best and softest underwear and socks you will ever own for free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to Meundis.com slash Burr. That's meyundies.com slash burr.

All right. I started to hype something here. 40 minutes, everybody. Just like that. Just like that. 40 minutes that you'll never get back. I thought he was going to be standing up. I thought there was going to be more of a show.

I thought there'd be show girls. I saw, I might as well stand up, but it's so fucking hot in here. Oh, he's standing up. He's standing up. He wants the world to, No, that the fucking podcast. What do you mean, speak up?

I got two fucking microphones here. How much more can I speak up, sir? Are they canceling each other out with amplification? Are they both polite? No, you go. No, you go. We were both born in the 90s. I don't want to offend you with my yellow skin and your black skin.

I want to sit in this big chair because I feel like I would think that I know something over here. Here we are. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode of Masterpiece Podcasting. Wow, this is weird. Now I got in here. There's a whole new sound in here. I hate that I'm at the fucking old age where I have to cross my legs when I sit down. I don't know what happens. Remember as a kid you just fucking sat down? Now I got to sit there. Constantly stretching out my fucking hip. This couch was supposed to be nailed down. So I saw the premiere of the Rick Flair, Nature Boy. Dude, I don't think I've ever fucking laughed that hard.

I mean, I have to go back to like a Richard Pryor special. That guy is arguably one of the funniest fucking human beings ever. And I have to tell you something. What I can commend about that guy in this Nature Boy 30 for 30 that you have to fucking see is he did not run from anything. He owned up to everything good or fucking bad. They were sitting there talking about like him fucking around. on his wife and he was just going yeah you go how long were you faithful for in your marriage he just goes one day and he was like I couldn't do it I couldn't do it I came home and I spent a day with

my family and I was like bored out of my mind I was in hell and it was so fucking refreshing to hear a married guy talk about how badly he wants to continue fucking as many women as he possibly could Right? Now I know the laughs are going to go down because there's too many women here and every guy has to sit there and act like he was, you know, like, probably thinking about it right fucking now. I don't know. But yeah, he talked about everything, just being like just all the women he was with. And at one point they cut back to his first wife who he calls number one. No, this guy is a fucking legend. And she just cuts back to him, and she's just like, yeah, Rick wasn't a family man. I was doubled over laughing. And then, you know, it definitely has its sad points, but he doesn't run from it. If you can say he's a bad father or if he's maybe like an alcoholic,

I don't want to ruin too many of the lines, but he was just saying, like, I don't know if I'm an alcoholic. I never tried to quit. It was just one fucking closing bit. after another with this guy. It's like, I would close with that. I would close with that. I would close with that. And he just kept going.

He did tell this one story. I'm all twisted up in my 20 fucking microphones. He did tell this one story to the crowd that was there. He talked about how one night he was on the road and he was out partying and he goes, and I woke up with a couple of, I goes, I woke up next to an alien, which is what he calls being like blackout drunk

and just waking up next to some woman. and you don't even know her fucking name. So he goes, I woke up, and there was an alien on one side and an alien on the other, and I looked down and my Rolex was missing. So I wake the women up, and I go, hey, where's my watch? And they go, you don't remember? They go, you don't remember.

And he goes, no, he goes, yeah, last night you threw your watch into a bowl of spaghetti, and you said, I got 15 of these fucking things. This was just a throwaway story. I mean, this is a comedy club. This is a packed house. I'm killing, just remembering lines that he said. I'm telling you, you have to fucking watch this guy.

It's like, I'm telling you, they ought to give him, like, the Mark Twain Award. They're always giving it to, like, these fucking people. You know, they give it to some people that are funny, but then other times they just, you know, sometimes that's like, that guy is not as funny as fucking. Rick Flair. You got to get him in there, you know? You know, they wouldn't. No, because it's always like the, you know, the arts and Merrill Streep and blah, blah, blah, blah. The fuck out of here. You know, do you think she could fucking be that good an actress after a couple of backbody drops? You know?

You think she could do the flare flop and keep that period correct wig that she has on? I don't know why I'm trashing Merrill Streep. I have no idea why. You know why? Because she's always getting awards. You know? Yeah. Fuck her for doing such great work. This is the dumbest shit. You know how this business works?

If you trash anybody, you inevitably, you end up working for them. I can't tell you how many times that's... I haven't gotten a lot of acting work, but every time I've ever gotten acting work and I'm in the fucking hair and makeup, I always get to skip the hair part, of course. I go over to the makeup side of the trailer. Inevitably, somebody comes walking in.

I'm like, oh, shit, I trash that person. I hope they didn't hear that part. All right. I think that was it. You guys want to listen to some reads here for this week? Can you hear me? Is everything fine? Is this working? How has this been so far? Have you guys enjoyed this? Is this something I should do more of? All right. I've already one guy, but there's always going to be one guy booing. I didn't like it. All right. On Monday, I discussed silkworms and how they take the spittle from a silkworm and that's how they make a a silk shirt. Somebody goes, silkworms. Hey, you ugly, red-faced fucking twat.

You really think silk shirts are made from silkworms? Really? Jesus fucking Christ, dude. Just think about it. Just think about that for a second. Bless your heart, Bill, but sweet fuck, man.

Get your act together and go fuck yourself. You know what's funny? I did and I still do until I was thinking like, wait, well, how would they turn that spittle into thread. But I also used to think that a fucking

I used to think a pony was just a little horse. I did. And I remember these people down the street they had a little pony.

And I just remember it. I just remember thinking when is that thing going to fucking grow up and become a horse? And I finally one day asked my mother when I was like 15

and she just looked at me like how did you come out of me what do I Google here? What is silk made out of? It's just going to say silk but what they shouldn't call it a fucking silkworm then what is silk made out what is silk oh fuck you sir this shit I know that you don't know okay

oh everybody likes to feel so goddamn smart huh what is made of this right here if there's ever a hunger games I'm definitely not going to make it right here the protein fiber of silk is comprised mainly of fibron and is produced by certain insect larvae to form cocoons all right I was kind of right the best known silk is obtained from the cocoons of the larvae of the mulberry silkworm wait a minute was I right? What the fuck?

Well, it wasn't spitting it out. I thought it was basically a silkworm spider web. Why would a worm make a spider web, Bill? Maybe suicidal. I don't know. There's another way to make money off of suicidal silkworms. Each year, over 30,000 silkworms commit suicide. and I would like to buy a Tesla.

So please send your money in... All right, fat but fit. Billy, no rolls. A study just came out that speaks to everything you've said about being fat almost automatically meaning you're not healthy. Today, there are a lot of people

who say you can be in good health while carrying fat, but that's just to say, soften the blow to people who can't lose the lard. All right. Anyways, thought I'd share. You're not as dumb as Nia says you are. But maybe still a bit of a moron.

Just kidding. Go fuck yourself. I had no idea how much you guys laugh at these people shitting on me. I thought you were all sitting at home as offended as I was, going, hey, don't say that about Bill. Bill is my podcast friend. Well, well, well, well, I guess you get to see who your fucking friends are when you do something live. All right.

This is how bad my short-term memory is. I don't even know what the fuck I just said. I didn't even when I just read that you can be a fat. Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, yeah. You don't want to be fat. Like, that's a big thing now. To be fat and be proud of it, you know.

And they talk about fat shaming and all that shit. It's just like, you know, you should just ignore what everybody says, and you should listen to your heart. Going, for the love of God, lose the weight, I'm going to conk out here. Ah, that was a cheap joke. That was an easy one. I set you up, you know, easy. I took you to the left, and then I went right. That's what I did.

That was the old misdirection. The old comedy crossover there. All right. Nestle cunts. Nestle cunts, that's right. Oh, yeah, they're the ones. They're the ones causing all the wars. Hey there, Billy in the mirror.

I saw this article about Nestle that I thought might ruffle your feathers. The line, the byline says it all. Okay, this year, this year is Halloween confectionery? Oh, this is so great. I have people here. What is a confectionery? It's a what? It's a candy store.

What kind of an asshole calls it a confectionery? You know what's funny? I got this acting gig right now. By the way, I've got to promote the movie. You've got to see it next. Probably come out next year. It's called Front Runner. Front Runner stars Hugh Jackman as Gary Hart.

If you're old enough, you remember Gary Hart? Yeah, Gary Hart, went a little Rick Flair on the road. Right? He banged some woman, and then all of a sudden he couldn't be president anymore, and that's how Bush got in. Because this guy was a good-looking guy. and all the ladies liked them. And that's all you need to do

to win the presidency, right? You play the saxophone, you hit a jump shot. You know what I mean? You do something like that, and then everybody fucking loves you. Anyways, that's coming out. By the way, all you hear on a movie set

is people going, copy that. Copy that, copy that. I need this go over there, copy that. I get it when you say it into like a fucking, you know, you're on your little CB radio, copy that. I get that. You know what I mean?

But people say it to just other people now. Just one person will be, hey, can you move that over there? And the guy will go, copy that. It's like, why don't you just say okay? It's a lot quicker. Can you move that? Okay. Got it. Copy that.

Those are the same kind of people that call a fucking candy store a confectionery. All right. Hey, that's called a callback. The guy just goes, copy that. was waiting for the end of the bit. See that? Now, how does he know about callbacks? How does he know? Because Netflix has released 30,000 stand-up specials this year. They're creating a comedy special housing bubble over there. Come watch the greatest open micers do an hour of their best material. That's who they're down to at this point. Everybody has an hour special.

I'm going to freeze myself after I die. Don't they have that here? The cryogenics, right next to the confectionery, right? I'm going to freeze myself, so then when they figure out how to cure death, they can unfreeze me, and I can do an hour-long one-man show on Netflix about what it's like to be in a 40-year coma. All right, Nestle, everybody. By the way, F is for Family.

Please watch that on Netflix now that I've made fun of them. Just scroll. If you can't find it, just scroll left for like 20 minutes. Anyways, this year's Halloween confectionery will contain palm oil grown on land that should lawfully be habitat, be habit, I can't read this, H-A-B-I-T-A-T-A-T, lawfully be habitat to orang-a-tans. I always thought it was orang-a-tang like the drink. orangutans rhinos

and clouded leopards I don't know what the fuck that is despite commitment to clean up supply chains this is on top of them siphoning yeah this is this is you know a lot of times it's not me this is the sentence

this is on top of them siphoning my fucking screen just went out finally going to make a point this is on top of them siphoning they do of water from national parks that you've spoken about. I guess they take water out of national parks

where they had agreements with Native American tribes that have since expired. What's it going to take to end Nestle's corruption? Maybe you can take this up as your cause the way the first ladies do. This is how you stop that.

What you'd have to do is have politicians have to start earning fuck you money. Rather than being gross underpaid. The fact that, you know, as a podcaster, comedian, an actor, you can make almost as much, if not more money than the president of the United States is fucking pathetic. You know what I mean? They should have, fuck you money. The second you become president, it should be like a, you know, like a pitching machine that's just throwing one fucking heater over the plate, should be a bag of money. The entire time you're there. So then when these

guys go, hey, can we siphon this fucking out of here? You can be like, no, fuck you. If you don't, we won't help you get reelected. I don't give a fuck. I got fuck you money. It probably wouldn't work. I don't. Sometimes I have good ideas. Sometimes I don't. So I guess, yeah, don't buy any Nestle Crunch bars, everybody.

And stay away from their bottled water and whatever else they make. Do they make thongs? All right. Do you feel how the podcast just immediately fucking slowed down the second I started reading out loud? It's fucking unbelievable. Why do I do this? Why do I do this to myself? What is the shame?

Is it because I was raised Catholic? All right. Accidentally made two girls my girlfriend. All right. I like this guy already. Hi, William the bald. Big fan from Kenya. Oh, this is a second language.

All right. Love the podcast, and FIS for Family is amazing. That's amazing that you can watch it over there. No, you should see. See, go on F, go on the internet. You can actually watch all these people. You know, you know what, F is for family? I feel like captures the Frank character

that's loosely based on my dad. You know which one I think does it the best? Is Mexico. You know? Because they got a lot of fucking same kind of people screaming and yelling, temper. You know what I mean? It just fucking works great.

Somehow that'll come off as racist, but it was supposed to be a compliment. Long story short, I have had a crush on two ladies, my college class for over four years. Jesus Christ, this guy moves slow, huh? Now, one of them is dying of ovarian cancer, and I feel like it's too late. Oh, Jesus, not that. We care. We care in Phoenix. Huh? I bet you guys all pictured a white vagina. Yeah. Fucking act like you guys care, huh? You can try to bully me into your

fucking phony giving a shit. They probably showed that hurricane in fucking Houston on Comedy Central out here.

That's how little you people care. You guys are all about yourselves. All right. All I... All right. I don't even know where I am

in this. I don't know how you follow a white vagina. Next. and him up forbids, a white vagina. The Meekam auctions for serial killers. It would just be like women's body parts.

Oh, we're so offended. Oh, fuck all of you. I'll steer even harder into it. Did you hear that they're going to start having Jeffrey Dahmer Day in Wisconsin? That's true. They have an all-you-can-eat, mystery meat, in Wisconsin. They're trying to change the perception

that all they do is eat cheese up there. See? Are we done groaning? Because I'll keep fucking going. All right. So this guy's had a crush on these ladies for four fucking years. But since breaking up with my previous girlfriend

three years ago, I decided to not get into another relationship. So the whole time you were with this girl for three years, you had a crush on two other women for four years. I love this guy. He's a fucking mess. All I did with these two girls was light flirting from time to time. What is light flirting in Kenya? I was going to do some starving joke.

You want a piece of bread? Just fucking with you? Ah, you're going to have it. He's going to write back next week. Dear Bill, we are not Somalia or Ethiopia. We actually have food in Kenya. Running water and skyscrapers. Anyways, all I did was flirt with one of them is the fun-friendly kind, but she's kind of loose. Parentheses, open relationship, and sending nudes types.

All right, so that's the one you bang. You fucking, you double wrap it, right? You double wrap it. And the other is conservative. The other is conservative. introvert virgin, but I really enjoy her company. All right, there's the one you have kids with. This is an easy one. Well, a few days ago, it was my birthday, and I had both of them. And you had both of them? You're just going to stop there? You banged both of them? Well, she's not a

virgin anymore now, is she? Oh, both of them and some few friends over, this is his second language, and I can't read, for a party. I had a shitload of booze and was on, I'm going to guess right now, the one that he thinks is loose with held her alcohol and the virgin blew everyone at the party. That's what I'm going with. Maybe I've been in Hollywood too long, but this can't be linear. It has to make a left turn at some point to spin us into the second act. Okay, well, a few days ago, it was my birthday and I, okay, they had them both over. All right, right, blah, blah, blah, blah. They came over. I had a shitload of booze and was on autopilot the whole time, but apparently I had the balls to ask the two ladies to be my girlfriend.

Oh, he was drunk. I don't believe. Is this a true story, or did he watch some Kenyan version of the Brady Bunch? When Peter has two dates in one night. A few days later, I got a text from both of them asking whether I was serious about asking them out. I'm now in a huge dilemma of choosing between the two, who I really like, and the fact that I haven't been in a relationship in a while and basically forgot how to be in a relationship.

Oh, shut the fuck up. You remember exactly how to be in a relationship. That's why you don't want to be in one. Any advice would be appreciated. And, okay, enda ujindina, which is Swahili for go fuck yourself. All right, well, I think you've got to go with the whore. You know, if you don't want to be in a relationship, but you did say girlfriend. I would just own up to it.

Just be like, listen, I was totally shit-faced when I sent that, but I have had a crush on you for four years. You always got to go with honesty with women. Guys go into it, you know, you always think you've got to lie to. them and all of that shit. You just fucking lay your cards on the table. It's the best thing you can do. They won't get mad. They might get a little upset depending on what you say.

You know? Depends on how graphic you get. Where do you see this going? I see you laying off the edge of my bed on your back with your head hanging off as I fuck your mouth while watching Sports Center.

That might be a little too honest you could just say um you know just looking to have a good time i would just go with honesty i would tell both of them dude you see the fact that you're not in a relationship right now you get to hit the reset button you just go total honestly i would tell them exactly what the fuck happened just say i had crushed them both of you for fucking four i wouldn't have to talk to them both the same time but i would say i sent it to two different people and that's what i And then just wait to hear what they say. That's it.

And if they don't like it, who gives a fuck? Take you and your honesty to the next situation. I'm telling you. All right, that's the best way to handle the fucking thing. And then, I don't know, somehow you just tell them what's going on. Oh, Christ, I got to tell the story. Here's a story for you. One time when I learned about honesty.

I was in my fucking early to mid-30s, and I was just sick of lying. And I met this chick. She was like 22 years old. So we get back to my apartment. This lady's leaving right now. She can't bear to listen to this right now. So we get back to my apartment. We start making out and everything.

And she goes, wait a minute. She goes, like, wait a second. She says, where is this going? And I said, nowhere. Oh, what are you kidding me? I go, I'm like 50 years older than you. By the time you're 30, I'm going to be like 86 years old. All right?

This is going to go nowhere. So whatever you want to do sexually, but you don't want to do with somebody that you like, you do with me. Right? And then you'll never have a midlife crisis because you got it out of your system. And you know what she said?

She went, all right. That was it. Yeah. They're not as prudish as you think they are. Don't be a, that's the number one thing. You got to go with the fucking honesty. Do you like me? No.

No, you don't have to be me. You don't have to be mean. I like you, but not like that. All right, girlfriend loves my long hair. I don't. Oh, go fuck yourself. Jesus Christ. What do you do next?

Go up to somebody with leukemia. My girlfriend loves my sick, free body. But I don't. I just love how you guys have thing with disease. What is it with you guys in disease? Why does it make you so sad? It's Mother Nature trying to help us. They should close down all the pharmacies, okay? And if you're lucky enough to be disease-free, you live. That's what we need to do. Tough decisions have to be made.

Um, okay, so I've been growing my hair out for a while. since I enrolled in college oh dude that's the time to do it good for you grow your hair out live your Stephen Seagal years in your 20s get by a sword sit there Indian style meditating out on the fucking some sort of bluff or whatever I never went to college really I never lived there what do they call it out on the compound the the quad area the grassy area just try to act interesting

anyways and I'm about to graduate this upcoming spring my girlfriend and a few friends convinced me to grow my hair out since they are all the hippie type oh that's not the cool long hair this guy probably goes to the university of Denver I don't consider myself a hippie at all

but that is the crew I run with since I have known most of them since back in high school and they are all close friends a couple of them have long hair too I was open to the idea since I've had short hair for most of my life before that the long hair turned out looking pretty good too my girlfriend though loves the long hair on guys a few days ago i told her passingly that i've been thinking about cutting it and she immediately seemed really concerned saying i just don't think it would look good and but i really love how it is

is she just dating you for your hair sir but that she's only ever dated guys with longer hair Dude, if you're looking to get out of this relationship, one quick trip to the fucking barber. This is the easiest breakup ever. And you've got to go hardcore. I'd get like a cop, flat top haircut. The detective mustache. This is the easiest breakup ever. Her concern kind of annoys me.

As she was saying that she would not be attracted to me in general if I cut it. To me, it seemed pretty shallow, considering we've been together for almost three years. Yeah, dude, she doesn't love you. She doesn't love you. Get your fucking haircut and get out of there. That's what I do. I'm pretty fed up with my long hair and everything that comes with it. Knots, hair, trying, you know, getting it in my eyes.

Yeah, dude, you learn something. You know, you did something for her, not for fucking you. Right? You don't like it. You're telling you you don't like it. She says she doesn't like the fact that you don't like it. It's all there, sir. All right?

This is what you do. You fuck her one more time and then you go get your haircut. I don't advise you doing that. That's mean. I just needed a laugh. Okay, here's the last one, everybody, and then we'll be almost at the end of the podcast. Hour and 10 minutes, just like that.

First ever live one. There you go. All right. Guys lie on Tinder. Surprise. Hey, old Bill. I'm a 29-year-old single lady living in Virginia along with most other singles my age

it seems I've had to try out various dating sites and apps over the years but haven't had any success cultivating anything more than a date here or there I realize this oh my God this is so fucking long lady maybe if you got to the point you'd get a second date that was a cheap shot Admittedly, that was a cheap shot. I got anxiety on how long this was.

And rather than admitting to the fact that I don't like to read out loud, I blamed her. I'm sorry, and I'm sorry for your horrible social life. Let's continue. I realize a lot of this was likely due to the fact that I've been pretty overweight

my entire adult life. Oh, now I'm sad. However, the last year and a half I've managed to lose 112 pounds. There you guys. That's fucking awesome. It took you a year and a half. Good for you.

112 pounds in counting. She's not done yet. She's like John Elway. She's getting the rings at the end of her career. And to take in all that shit in the press, she's finally living up to her expectations. I love it. And counting, by changing my diet and literally running my tits off

on the elliptical for an hour, five times. a week. That's fucking amazing. Good for you. Anyways, last week on Tinder, I matched with a very cute 29-year-old guy. He initiated the conversation. We had a great back and forth comparing what podcasts we listened to. I found out

he actually lives in Ohio and was only traveling in my area for work for the next few days. All right, that's a red flag and he's on Tinder. He's looking to get his dick sucked. All right? That's it. He doesn't want to know how many brothers and sisters you have and what's your hobby. Oh, do you like to cook?

Why don't you cook my balls in your mouth as I stroke my dick over here? Brutal honesty. Women like honesty. Anyways, I know I should have called it quits then, but finding out someone that can actually hold a conversation seems to be a real rarity these days. He asked me out to dinner, but because of my diet and wanting to be nice, I offered for him to come over for a lot. a home-cooked healthy meal. Oh, and you didn't fill him into the backstory. Now he thinks he thinks he's getting anal.

This is how guys think. Okay? If we want this whole Me Too thing to end, guys have to be honest about how they think. All right. He came over, was just as cute in person as in his pictures. The great conversation kept flowing.

I can't believe he just met somebody on the internet and invited them over to your fucking house. Please tell me you had a full. fucking pistol taped to the inside of your leg. The great conversation kept flowing in six hours later. We were making out. We both had to be

up early the next day. He left with plans to hang out again the next day after work. We did and ended up hooking up. He left Virginia the next day, but we continued to message pretty constantly over the next week with him initiating the conversation most of the

time. I swear to God, there's three paragraphs left, and I want to apologize to each and every one of you. I want to have a benefit for all of your ears, having to listen to me, have to fucking read this goddamn law. Please call the number at the bottom of the screen, and a portion of the proceeds will go to everybody's eardrums in this room, and also my Dodge, two-door, hemmy pickup truck for 40 grand. Anyways, all seem to be going pretty great, except the eight-hour distancing.

in between one another. Well, yeah. Okay. You guys never looked at a globe. However, you know what? There's an eye in Virginia. There's an eye in Ohio.

They must be pretty close. Don't they alphabetized by a vowel in the middle of them or something? All seem to be going pretty good. Okay, except for the eight, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Nothing really came. However, I just had a feeling something wasn't quite right, so I Googled him. I guarantee you he has a family.

Nothing really came up except his, I don't know what, profile. Then a few lines down, I see an old wedding gift registry site with his name on. I called it. I swear to God, I didn't read this before. You think this sounds bad out loud? You should hear when I read quietly, and I just hear me stuttering in my brain. I searched all the girls' names on the register. along with his last name on Facebook and bingo all over this girl's profile are cute pictures

of a sweet couple the other half of which is the guy that was in I was in bed with a week ago the son of a bitch is married what do I do here bill do I call the guy out on his shit and rip him a new one do I send his wife a message and tell her what he's doing he travels all the women are going, yes, all the guys are like, no, no, no, move on, move on. He travels the majority of the time for work, and I'm sure I'm not the first person he's done this to. He already deleted his Tinder profile, and our text message have only been PG for the most part, so I don't have any concrete proof to send her. I feel completely w-r-r-t-h-h-h-h-d. W-R-E-T-H-E-D.

W-R-E-T-H-E-D. W-R-E-T-R-R-E-R-T. I thought this one you were like puking. Wretching. Oh, all right, everybody's got a degree in the room. I feel completely wretched and terrible for the most part. I unknowingly played in this entire... I played into this entire situation. No, you didn't.

You didn't unknowingly? This is like one of the oldest fucking stories on the internet. Also, any dating advice for me moving forward is also appreciated. Thanks for the advice, and congrats on that beautiful baby girl of yours. Oh, thank you very much. All right. Yay! Oh, Billy became a father!

All right. First of all, I've got to be honest with you. You're kind of going Hillary Clinton on this thing where you're not taking any responsibility for this loss whatsoever. You're blaming him. You're calling him a piece of shit. You're the electoral college. You're blaming Sandinistan rebels.

Everything. But you. Okay? You went on Tinder. Tinder is a total hookup site. It's full of fucking scumbags. Like, and then guess what? you met a fucking scumbag.

So, what I would take out of that is to not go on dating sites. And I would try, I don't know, I would join like a fucking sports league or some shit, like go play some softball. I would try to do some hobby thing. I know this sounds like an old guy thing. But like, you know, the fucking internet is the internet. Now, if you want to go blow up this guy's life to make you feel better, I mean, you can also do that.

I mean, I don't know. What I do, I just, when I fuck up, I just go, I fucked up, and I just, I walk away from it. I mean, if you want to do that, that's up to you. I don't fucking know. I mean, who knows? Maybe his wife isn't blowing him. You know, let's try to blame his innocent wife now. You know?

I just feel like in this age of hyperfeminism, the way women always just stick up for other women, that guys need to start doing this. I have to stick up for this complete piece of shit here. Maybe, you know, maybe just the love's gone in the relationship. They got the kids, he doesn't want to leave. He just wants to know what it likes to have fun again. And you have fun? And he fucking, you know, it's kind of on you, though,

because the first night when you just hung out, All you got to do is look at his wedding ring, and if he's wearing a ring, you'll see the indentation from it. I mean, you've got to go a little, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, right? Ma'am, I don't know why I'm blaming for you. I'm blaming you. I have no excuse for this fucking guy. I don't know. I mean, what about George Clooney in that movie where he's flying around in the planes,

and he showed up and that woman had a family? You know, did he say anything? He didn't. What was it called? Up in the Air, right? And he was banging that woman, and then he went to her house, and he found out that she was married. And he was like, oh, fuck. And he just walked away.

That's what guys do. We just walk away. Women start pulling hedges out of the front yard. They start putting rabbits in the fucking stew and shit. Like, is that why we die sooner than they? do? Because we just hold that in our chest. The fucking bitch had a family. And you just carry that around for the rest of your life.

Women get to get it out. Well, here's the thing. If he has kids and shit, like, maybe he's just going through a fucking phase that he's working it out. You're going to blow up that family, and their dad's going to leave. And just so you know

there's going to be two kids crying. I don't know if this guy has kids. Does he have kids? I don't personally I would just take the loss and I would move on I would just go like listen I I checked you out I found out you're married you fucking piece of shit and uh because I'm a cool chick I'm not going to call your fucking wife go fuck you I mean you could do that or you could just or you could just say I don't know I don't know what to tell you here I can't throw another guy into the bus like this that's what you would do that's what you would do keep losing weight and move the fuck on yeah but you have to

This is what you have to do. Yeah. You know what you got to look at that guy like, you got to look at that guy like when Columbus was sailing across the ocean. He didn't see land first. He saw branches. So he knew that something good was coming, right? That he could exploit and cut their arms off

when they didn't give enough gold. Okay? Allegedly. I like how new evidence shows that he was this. What did you find? Did somebody scrawling into a fucking tree? Yeah, just look at this guy. Okay, you're going to have to, you know, you're going to take some losses on your way to a championship.

Okay, you don't blow up the whole team and burn down the fucking arena. That's what you want to do. Just know this. Take it as a compliment. You lost so much weight you were worth risking a house for. I don't know. I don't know. I got nothing. All right. You know what? That is the podcast. This is the first ever live podcast. Thank you guys so much for coming out. I hope you had a good time. I hope you enjoyed it.

I hope it was fun. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Thank you. Good night. What's up, everybody and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show. NFL edition going into week number nine with your host, me, Paul Verzi over here. We got Bill Burr over there. You know, we have the snake on the injury report and, of course, the Greek freak, Andrew Themless out there in Beverly Hills. You know something? I thought, Bill, I thought I was going into the four o'clock's two and oh, feeling good about

myself and the two teams that won were the favorites I picked. So now I'm going, oh, my two late games are done. dogs. I'm getting, Pauli's getting some points. And then you're going to get one you're going to get one victory. I'm going to get that's exactly my thought process. I'm like, I'm going three and one at a minimum. Then the Cowboys pick off the Broncos

and I'm like, Pauley may go four and oh. And no, I went, I ended up going two and two. I was ready to go. Oh, I'm back in this thing. I went two and two. The whole show went two and two. Okay, because the Cowboys stink. It's the first time I picked them and they stink. The

cowboys stink. All right. They just do and you know what can you do so i went two and two you went two and two but dude you're you've been you've been 500 or better for the last i think five weeks bill i know paul and i got to tell you as you've been like struggling to find your footing anybody and everybody can get it in the NFL you have not sent me you have never sent me so many this guy stinks this team stinks this coach is fucking terrible what are they doing i mean it's it is you're right you're right about that i usually i'm like oh i saw it i like i have if i look at my text to you it is this guy stinks he just doesn't have it this team stinks this is this is the

most negative i've been i feel like you're going through a breakup i mean these texts are just they're they're coming in they're coming in hot uh she never loved me it was all bullshit it was all bullshit. In the second I lose my job, I'm out to do it, she goes. Fucking whore. Sure. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, man. How's your day? I don't mean to do this. You're still a good guy even when you're bitch.

Sure, when things are good, you're right there. Huh? You're right by my side when things are. How about this? How about this? Anybody can be around for the sunshot. You find out who people are when they start to get a little cloudy out. I need you here in a storm. Anybody can skip along with a parasol. Dude.

Well, at least the show went 500 all week. At least we went 500. Dude, and also, Bill, the NFL in a nutshell, we were three quarters into that Monday night special going, we're going to hit the third one. And then, nope. The marketing. The marketing team.

It used to be the backdoor cover. Now it's the marketing team. whatever new rule changes they made that somehow you can have like nine possessions in the final four minutes of a fucking game. All scoring drives. You know, when you hit your... Real quick, Paul, have you been watching this World Series?

You know what? I watched that 18 innings. You know, here's what happened. I was watching that stupid Ed Gein thing. That Ed Gein thing, you know. Why did he look like the lead singer from Maroon 5? Have you seen the fucking billboard? he's sitting there with a giant chainsaw cock

and then he's got this fucking Marilyn Manson brassiere on it's like is this guy a serial killer creep or is he a rock star? Am I supposed to be rooting for this guy? He's collecting fucking ears. Yeah and Charlie Hunan who by the way played him great is way better looking than the real guy

so during it I'm like this guy's dress is nice. Gene reimagined he's got an eight pack abs and a chainsaw cock honey yeah But I'm Hide your junk

Here comes Ed Gain Dude Dude the way that they fucking glorify These fucking like robber barren nerds that own these fucking You know Own every industry now. Serial killers. It's just like the whole fucking world right now.

It's like wait a minute. Who's the good guy and who's the bad guy here? Dude, at the end of Ed Gein's dot series They showed him They showed him like talking and helping the FBI and older and you felt like sympathy when he was dying. And I'm going like, this guy was like turning people into lampshades. And like now I feel for him. It was nuts.

Not feel for him, but you know what I mean. Oh, yeah, that's the direction that they led you in. That looks like the cover like the billboard for the Ed Gein thing looks like the cover of like one of those one hit wonder hair metal bands. you know what I mean except that would have been a guitar Bill you never found the picture of me with no shirt on outside the alamo making that face have you

because that was the greatest horror movie fucking poster ever dude have you never found I needed that why did you even do that we were fucking hammered and we were walking by the alamo and Paul goes dude take a quick picture of me

and I had like a flip phone it was that long ago and you fucking like jumped up in the air and you had no shirt on your leg You made like this fucking face, dude. It was the side of your personality I'd never seen. You were like, dude, that would be the darkest, craziest horror movie poster. Yeah.

Well, dude, we drank like, we drank a third of whiskey and then walked there. Yeah, dude, we used to like, I told you, dude, I went to the doctor. My liver is totally like, it's all like dark now, no fatty. It used to look like a fucking rib eye. and after seven years they're not drinking like your liver can as long as you don't go too hard too long the great thing is it can repair itself thank god but dude i think of some of those fucking things that we did but yeah you went to like college era paul verzi when you told me all those crazy stories the shit you used to do you like dude take a picture of me and i'm just sitting there

with the camera he takes the shirt i'm like what the fuck is this guy doing and then you just I think because the technology, too, wasn't good with the phone. It was a little blurry as you brought your head around. Dude, you looked, you look like that guy that, like, other prisoners are afraid of. Like, he has his own self. So at the end of the Ed Gein thing, I look at my phone and I see Dodgers, Blue Jays, and I go, I go, bottom of the 12th, I go, should I go to bed? It's like one in the morning.

I go, no, I got to watch. and I watched it all the way to the 18th. And then for the Blue Jays to lose that game and then win the next two, dude, I don't know, man. I think the Blue Jays just have that thing where even when they played the Yankees, same record, every time the Yankees would put up a run or hit a big home run, Blue Jays would just get two right back. They just keep coming, man.

Yeah, I think they're going to lose game six because I keep forgetting the guy's fucking name, this Japanese kid, dude. They say if you have, if you have three pitches, you can dominate an MLB game. This kid has six pitches. Yamamoto. Yeah, dude. And they all come from the same place. Fastball, change up, splitter, sinker.

It's just like, what the fuck? Yeah. What the, like how do you, how do you even adjust for that? It's just like, what am I guessing here? And the Dodgers are won it last year. I wouldn't count them out yet. think this is going to go seven too it's going to be great i think it's going to go seven the dodgers are going to use their entire fucking pitching staff including otani who's probably going to hit a

home run dude it's going to it's it's going to be an epic ending and donnie baseball don't look now paul i know he's one game away it's my only silver lining for toronto winning is donnie baseball getting out of the people i know you don't like the home run jacket dude but it's fucking it's sick out of all the shit that i've seen all the dumb shit that they do that that fucking home run jacket is the shit listen if it was my team i would be cool with it it's one of those deals you know but i like that the yankees don't do shit like that they understand their fucking history um you know we're the idiots we grow beards and fucking put on mascot heads and get zoomed down in a fucking male carrier thing whatever i mean that

That's just whatever. But here's the thing is if the Dodgers win, they'll have nine championships tied with the Boston Red Sox. And I think that that would make them tied for third. Who's in second, Paul? You know who it is. Because you guys always say something cunty whenever they win one, the New York Post.

Second in World Series? Yep, National League team. Is it the Cardinals? Yes. Yeah. And whenever they win one, they're like, we still got 15 more. Big whoop.

Yeah. You know all I'm like. Listen, Paul, I know you don't write for the post, but like. No, dude. Bill, you know me. I just want an, all I want is a Knicks championship. I want a Knicks championship. I want to be there with my family when the Knicks hoisted up.

That's all I need. When that happens, dude, that's it. I put my hands up and I say whatever else happens in this life sports-wise. That's it. You know, Paul, when you used to say this in your 30s, I was like, this is going to happen. Now you're in your 40s. Dude, I'm going to call you like a drunk call somebody.

This is what I'm going to tell you, Paul. I need you to start eating salads if you're going to be around to increase the odds of seeing a next champion. But you guys, you guys got a good squad, though, no. No, we got a shot. in the next two, three years. That's our window. But, dude, I'm going to call you up. I've always loved it, Kim. But I might not be like that.

Because I saw Josh Adam Myers. I saw Josh Adam Myers when the Capitals won. And dude, it was bordering what we saw that guy from Argentina. Like Josh Adam Myers was like, and I called Josh. And I go, dude, was that serious or were you joking? Like, I didn't know. He goes, no, dude, emotion is. got over me and part of me was just like that's a lot dude just be like did you see that guy when

the texas rangers won he was like in his mid to late 50s and he just goes he goes and his wife was recording what is it is it the realization that it finally happened and it's over and whatever you don't like about your life still exists i think in this championship didn't fix it I think you were in that recliner or couch for so long, saying negative shit. And I think when it finally happened, there was a part of you. But I think you're right. I think it's psychological about your life and your past. Seriously. Yeah, I feel like people, the happy you are with your life, the easier you can take a loss from the team that represents your city. And I just kind of feel, oh, that's not true. That isn't true. I can't say that, dude. I literally can't.

I started watching this series, dude, and it just like, it just gets in me. Like, dude, you've been all over it. Dude, game three, game three, the fucking home plate umpire. I don't know what the Blue Jays did to him, but dude, he was calling, he was calling these high strikes. Like, here's the top of the strike. It was like here. Yeah. They had one that was so fucking, like, outside.

You see the higher outside. I can't remember. And the guy, like, delayed. It's like, boom. 1,000, 100,000,000. 2003 and he goes steer right like fucking Frank Devin

he did like the Frank Drebren thing and fucking Bobichette was on first base they thought it was the walk I saw that so he starts going a second totally fucked him it's been it's been like what do you like better

what do you like better the nonchalike the nonchalant strike guy the guy who goes like or do you like the guy that goes like hey which one is that it depends on whether my team through a strike

or not? I love the nonchalant guy. He just makes me laugh when he just goes, ball. And then the other guy, and when it's the strike, he goes, hey. What about the explainer? Ball comes in.

That's outside. Yeah. All right, guys, we're on a tight. Three more of those, and he's on first base. Jake the Snake, what do you got for injury reports before we do these picks, my man? All right. How you doing? There he is.

He's wearing his Dodger blue. I represent even when we're losing. And I agree with you guys. I think we win game six tomorrow and we're going to lose game seven. That's where I'm at current. Jake, why do you sound like you're underwater? I don't mean to. Is my microphone not working?

Hold on. Yeah, it sounds like something's blocking it. Hold on. I see the problem. Jake, the snake is troubleshooting right now. And Bill, you actually go. first this week. All right.

Can you hear me now? Yes. Okay. Yeah. So represent team, even when they're, uh, are losing or if they're winning. And, um, I think you guys nailed it. Uh, that we're going to lose, we're going to win game six with Yomoto and then we're going to lose game seven.

Um, you don't think it's anybody's game game seven? I mean, well, of course. It, you know, it can be. But the Dodgers offense has been very bad. And, um, so is our bullpen. The starting pitching has kind of hid these problems because they've been so great. But, yeah, we just haven't really been hitting.

Who would start game seven? That's a good question. It could be Otani. What's that? I said, thank you, Jake. Could be Otani. It could be glass now. Those are probably the two that they'll go with.

I feel like it's game, it's game seven. It's the kitchen sink. Totally. Everyone's on a short leash. You over-knick. Yeah. And, yeah, Mookie Mookie is going to be the key. He only has, like, I believe it's two or three hits this series,

so we're going to need him to turn it around, but he's awesome. All right, I'm going to bring something up that they said. Sure. You're saying how Mookiee Betts is the right fielder, and this year you needed him to play it shortstop. So he moves over to his shortstop. He hasn't played there since, like, Little League, and he's up for a gold glove.

So the analysis is trying to compare that. He goes, that's like some Tiger Woods or some Kobe stuff. And I'm like, it's not Kobe. It is not, Kobe Bryant would not change positions for anybody. If Otani was getting more fucking attention than him, he would make the Dodgers choose between him and Otani. Like, enough already. Dude, Mookie Betts. Mooky Betts is a monster.

How about, how about Otani Betts and then Freddie Freeman back to back to back to that? Freddie Freeman is one of the most clutch playoff. oh yeah got that me myself and irene fucking haircut comes up like a state trooper from the 80s and just smashes it over the fucking wall i love freddie freeman great dude too he also dude that guy will shake off like a strikeout like he just he has that he just you see it he just walks back to dug up you know it did what do they say uh water off a duck's back doesn't bother him and then just fucking goes up to dude i fell asleep top of the 18th inning i watched the whole game and I was fighting it and I fucking fell asleep and uh you was funny I woke up to my wife came

downstairs and she'd cling because I had like some food I mean 18 innings Paul I mean I looked like I was a fucking bachelor by the by the 50s kidding I had all these plates and shit she came in cleared everything out and just left me under the blanket I kind of woke up I said oh you weren't going to get me to come upstairs she goes no you just look so peaceful oh that's good that's nice That's one of the nicest things she ever said to me. Oh, dude. That just made me happy. All right, Jake.

We got to do these picks here. Who is walking around in the background, Paul? Like, now that we talked about... That's my buddy, Roger. I'm in a studio. They're setting up for my pod. Oh, okay. Jesus Christ.

I'll be not adaptive here. I'll go through it quickly. The good news, it's mostly good news. Lamar Jackson's finally back tonight against the Dolphins. So that's going to be really exciting. We got Jaden Daniels back for the Sunday night game against Seattle for the commanders. Okay. Unfortunately, I'm sure you saw Paul, but Camp Scadaoo was going to be out for the rest of the year with that ankle injury.

That was pretty gross. And now hopefully he recovers. Shout out. Yeah, and shout out to Big Dom, security of the Philadelphia Eagles for going to the hospital and giving Cam Scataboo and his family and his friends pizzas and cheese steaks, just a class act just such an Italian great thing to do you know for sure it was very nice to them and just gave pizzas and cheese steaks and he's on the opposing team I mean

he's fatten him up because he can't do cardio right now he knows what he's doing or he's or he's gonna say hey when you're a free agent come to Philly hey Paul if I've learned anything from Italians so those cheese steaks aren't free everything else gonna be a one-time visit you know what I mean All right, guys, it is time for our picks. Before we do the picks, we have to shout out our sponsor. Of course, it's BetMGM, the best app, the best lines around. Go to your device and download the BetMGM app and use our code.

It's very easy as Burr B-U-R-R for anything better podcast, NFL edition, guys. You guys know how to do what you put in as little as $10 deposit in for your first wager. And if that wager loses, if you lose that bet, you will get $1,500 back in bonus. bets. It's that simple. And we also have the first touchdown promotion, which is you pick any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown and you win. If they don't get the first touchdown, but in fact, get the second touchdown, you get your cash back. It's that easy. Bet responsibly. Have a good time. Bill, you are on the clock with the first pick going into week number nine. Guys, we're done this in seven weeks, which is nuts. Wow. Seven, no, no, no, no,

because there's also a buy week. We're halfway through. This is the halfway point. Yeah, it's 18, that's right. Paul, don't take that week away from me, man. I need it. All right, I'm going to go conspiracy theory in the beginning. I feel like the bills are better to. You? Not me.

What if that happens? What? Hey, Paul, I'm going to go where I always go. That's what I should have said. There you go. Thank you. Thank you for correcting me. I needed that.

I think the bills are a better team. I really do. But I just think the Chiefs make the fucking NFL more goddamn money. And I got to give it to the NFL. They gave the Ravens and the Bills six weeks to become the storyline of the AFC. They did not. And next thing you know, the refs put their hankies away and here come the fucking Chiefs. But then if the bills win and then they meet in the playoffs,

because the Chiefs avenge their loss. fuck i was all in on the chiefs minus two going into buffalo on the fucking road what is it is there some sort of injury out there no everybody's healthy although uh pacheco won't play for the chiefs but otherwise um bokeeps are not playing all right you know what i don't know why i'm going to do this to myself but i'm going to take the bills okay i fucking had it god damn it you just took my dick enough already plus two at home just enough already oh my god i just know they're going to fucking he holds the fucking ball

all right i like the pick i was going to pick the fucking bills i just i went with my heart i know that kids are going to win i know they're going to win there's going to be some sort of somebody's going to go like this to receiver who did the who did the dolphins beat last week jake they beat Atlanta Do I take the dolphins getting over a touchdown tonight at home or was that the fluke last week?

Did I just... To ask you a question, Paul? When do the fucking ravens show up? Please. How many fucking times? Great point. But when the fuck did they actually cover a goddamn... I'm not even talking about winning games.

Talk about the spread. When the fuck did they do, you are solid? When they play a bad team? God damn it, Jake That just kicked me right in the chest right there Oh God Dolphins are at home Seven and a half

Lamar Jackson Coming back though Paul Dude these lines These lines Eight and a half Seven and a half Fucking nine and a half

Paul it's like they have more knowledge Than us and a computer No They've seen what I did the last few years Paul, they got you on a wall like a mob family. I'm going to take the Houston Texans. I love it. One and a minus one and a half at home against the Broncos.

The Texans looked good. I think this is where they turned things. I'm going to take the Texans minus one and a half. Almost a pick them. Almost a pick them. I'm going to take them at home. All right. I'm going to ride with my Patriots.

they've just been winning. I would say, you know, the halftime adjustments, the New England Patriots, Mike Brable and all their coaching staff have been making this year, it's a tale of two halves, Paul. How do you like that? Getting a little poetic here. Like there's a lot of games we just have,

it's close in the first half, and then in the second half, we just pull away, and you know what we do, Paul, we cover. The Patriots fucking cover. I'm taking them at home, minus five and a half. I just love how we're spreading the ball around. I just feel like Drake made like three touchdowns, three different receivers.

All right. What I do need is Stefan Diggs, whatever the fuck he tapped into when he played Buffalo, I need to see that again. I need to see that again. I like, if he fucking did that every goddamn week, dude, he did that every week. Yeah. Oh, my God. I like the pick. I'm going to take the Jacksonville Jaguars coming.

Listen, this is it for me with them. So, Roger, I know you're a Jags, man. This is it. This is like when your kid gets one more chance to they don't get in trouble. This is it. I'm taking the Jags minus three against the Raiders. I think they're a better team.

I think that they have a better quarterback and they're coming off of a loss. I'm going to take Jacksonville minus three on the road in Las Vegas. all right i'm going to take the vikings getting eight and a half going into detroit the division rivalry game i think the lions will be covering for most of the game and then they're going to get some sort of backdoor cover um it's just these fucking games these division games they never make sense no it's a good good take j j jay mcarty's returning to uh for the vikings i like that i like i like when jake likes what i like because i know jake has way

more knowledge. Like, I'm cheating off his math paper and I look over and he goes, that's the answer I got two. Hey, Jake, why are the Giants only, why are the Giants plus two in a half at home against the 49ers? When we don't have Scatibu, we don't have

neighbors. What's going on with the Niners? Any injuries? I mean, they don't have Nick Bosa and Fred Warner for the rest of the year. They've been dealing with a lot of injuries too, so it's kind of weird that they are favored, to be honest. yeah you can really go either way there but that that line kind of didn't make sense to me

look dude i got to play for keeps this is it this is it i'm going to be at the game i think you guys want to know what i'm doing oh i'll tell i just found out i just found out that my my guest on my new podcast is running late so i could i have it i have a quick story not story but for the first time ever bill i'm sure you've done this jake i don't know if you've done this Demolus, I don't know if you've done this, but for the first time, for the first time, oh, hey, and it's the first time. No, I never got a hooker, by the way. Well, no. Um, I had to think about it. I'm going to do. Someone's, some woman's reputation almost went over the side. You pulled her back in the boat the last second.

Um, I think I'm going to take my family to Giants for. 49ers at 1 o'clock. We're going to get in the car and go through the Lincoln Tunnel and we're going to go see the Knicks Bulls at 7 o'clock. Same day. Two games going Giants during the day. New York Knickabockers at night will be home like one in the morning after a long day. Even if we're tired Monday, why the hell wouldn't I do that?

Dude, that's like, if my dad did that, I would be this is the greatest dad ever. Stacey's like, that's a long big day. And I'm like, yes, it is. We're going to do change of clothes. We'll get the Giants gear warm. Then we go to inside the Knicks. Why not? All right.

Now, what are you going to do for her? You got to give her a spa day after that. She's a trooper. Dude, you want to know what's funny about Stacy? She gets there at MetLife Stadium. Come on, Big Blue. Play some D. Awesome.

Like, she starts when she. The first time she said, let's go Blue. Let's go Blue. I was like, all right, dude. I knew. Hey, I knew I saw it. things, all right? Or is it my pick here?

Yeah, Paul, yeah, I don't know what is with your camera. You're just, you're fading away, like back to the future. Yeah, this thing. There we go. Should I do, what happened with the Steelers, dude? They were winning. Everything was going good. Now they're playing the cults.

Coming off a loss. They're at home. Daniel Jones. Daniel Jones looks so good. It's not, what are they, seven and one? The seven and one. Dude. Paul, he's standing back there like he's flying a kite.

Dude, he's brushing his teeth back there. They got an amazing offensive line. He's brushing his teeth, but not even this way. He's getting them in the back. He's got scratching his ass just. Oh, I got to throw it to. He's pointing. Go over there.

Go over there. Like he's in the backyard. He's out there playing catch, Paul. No, no, this way, this way. oh man it's you know what the steelers just lost at home are they going to lose two at home they're both times plus three um paul aaron rogers is he going to get schooled by this is he is he going to let i mean no you know what i'm going to take the steelers i don't think they lose two in a row at home they're getting points and let's be honest the colts need a little bit

of a reality check they need to come down they need to get a loss uh i'm going to take the Steelers getting three at home. I can see that being a tie and me getting half a game, but I don't see Rogers and them losing two in a row, especially how they lost the last one. I'm going to take the Steelers at home game. All right. This is my problem with Aaron Rogers. Okay, when the guy has a beard, he looks like an 1800s gun slinger.

He looks like he's a fucking Dwayne Allman or some shit, right? He shaves the beard off. He looks like a surprised witness in like a fucking mob trial or something. Like all of a sudden, I just start seeing, like, his eyes get all big, but he's got the fucking, you know, the beard. He looks like he's in the Eagles in the 70s, and I believe in him. Clean-shaven Aaron Rogers scares me. All right. I like it.

I'm just saying it. That's just my thing. He goes Eli. If he goes the other way, he goes Kenny Stavey. All right. I'm just, what I'm really doing here is I'm stalling. because I don't have another fucking pick that's really jumping out at me

so I don't know why maybe because I want to watch a little Sunday night football dude what the fuck happened to the Saints did 14 point underdogs I'm going to Saints will probably cover I'm actually going to take the Seahawks minus three

wait they're laying three going into D.C. And they're getting their quarterback back. Yeah. yeah jake and that's the kind of thing that doesn't make any sense does it yeah when you go yeah jake that's what you know we are grasping at straws this week no no no no no come on man don't fucking don't i've been treading water here i'm gonna take the seahawks i don't give a fuck jake not yeah all right you know jake until you get something on those shelves behind you i'm taking the fucking seahawks He doesn't have any knick-knacks.

Paul, we got to get this kid some knick-knacks. They're on my desk. Oh, you know what it is, dude? You're out there and you're fucking slaying it. And you're not letting her fucking bring any of his shit over because you've been there. And somewhere along the line, you realize, man, that you got the same genetics as Mac Davis. You look like a modern-day Mac Davis, right? Yeah, that's great.

Baby, baby, baby, don't you give. What is it? Baby, baby, baby, don't you sign up for me. baby baby so i got the jags because i'm just gonna love you and sets you don't get hooked on me you know it's nice is i i see my future with you with you actually bill because one day i won't have all his hair i can grow the beard and go and go with the ball click and we're gonna send you to turkey just for the show we're gonna send you to because it's early enough it's early enough we can see it coming we'll get ahead of it exactly yeah i'm doing all right now i'm doing all

all right, but I know it's on the right. There he is. Matt Davis. I'm telling you, that's Jake the snake right there. Not the old guy, the young guy. All right.

My, well, look. I don't know if I see it. You know what's funny? He's probably like 28 in that photo. Dude, that's Brady.

On the chair. Dude, he literally had a song and women would, like, they would swoon to it. Baby, baby, don't you give up on me? because I'm just going to love you and set you free. I'm just banging you, sweetheart.

Oh, my God. That was the working title for. It was the 70s. That's romance. It all made sense back then. Did you guys pick four each or? No, I got to go. I got to go one more.

I can't do it. Come on, Paulie. You can do it. I was thinking giants. I don't know, dude. Do it. Paul, you got to be there with your family. Is that, yeah, like, so I shouldn't be.

You know what? I'm projecting. I thought Dad was happy to go to two games in one day. What happened? Should I do it? Should I take the Cowboys over? Should I take the Cowboys at home over the Cardinals? It's kind of their season, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, for the Cowboys, for both, but definitely the Cowboys. All right, I'm going to take the Cowboys Monday. night football they got to win by three at home or they're pretty much done against the cardinals i i could i could i could i could sleep with that so that's what i'm going to just for my own sanity the top of this podcast i know okay but i didn't see the cardinals and i think that you know i i got to see i i i got to mary playing we don't know yet what is this we don't know yeah shit.

Because it's still early in the week. They don't announce it officially until Friday and sometimes Saturday for certain games. This is the league colluding with Vegas to fuck this podcast. It didn't happen last year. You know what? I can't have Pauley win again.

Listen, I picked the Cowboys over the Broncos because they were getting points, but the Broncos were clearly a superior team. I don't know that's the case with the Cardinals. I know I started the show saying I don't trust them they stink. It's minus, it's almost, it's less than a field goal. I'm going to take it. That's my four. There you go. And Bill, it's time to sing. Oh. All right, everybody. Here we go. Let the

Monday night special win some money for you. Let the Monday night special with some motherfucking money for you. All right, Bill. Are we going to go with the Cowboys to, do you like the Cowboys minus two and a half at home on a muskling. I like the Cowboys cheerleaders. I don't like their ownership. It's a good take, yeah. You know, I think we're going to see all that. Disrespecting them, Paul.

Minus two and a half at home. They're disrespecting them. Disrespecting them. C.D. Lamb is back. Great receiver. Dack is, other than a couple games, Dak is playing pretty decent. I think we go

DAC to throw one, CD to catch one, and Cowboys to not money line, Cowboys to cover. That's my thing. You guys tell me what you don't like. I liked everything until not money line. I like the money line. I like the money line. Okay. I like Dak for sure

to throw on. I think this is going to be a lot of points. So, you know, you can even look at how, what's the over and under? That's 50. Wow. Two and a half. That's a big number. but I mean we could look at something like that you know 52 and a half big number and then a little spread

so they're just saying there's going to be no defense in this game yeah they're saying they're saying shootout they're saying shoot out and whoever has it last that's what they're saying yeah I saw that cowboy Bronco game I mean the cowboy's defense is very bad very bad Jesus Jake I mean you're making me well I took it too I was your frustration what's the what's the Cardinals record, Jake?

I think they're two and four. I don't have it on hand. Yeah, they're not very good. New coach. Rich Gannon's son is the coach. Yeah. You like CD to catch one? I do. He's Dax go-to.

That's a good one. They're two and Cardinals are two and five and it's 53 and a half. I knew it's two and a half. Fifty-three and a half is high number. Oh, wow. That is really high. we just stay away from the total and just take

Cowboys. Yeah, I don't like, I don't like that number. Fifty-three and a half is yeah, they're not counting on defense. Let's do Cowboys to win, DAC to throw one to C.D. Lamb to catch one. Yeah, I like it. And then money like Cowboys, are we just

going to do the two and a half? The odds will be better. They'll win more money if we do to two and a half. Yeah, because we're opening the door to losing. All right. Let's fuck it. We'll do it against the spread.

Okay. Cowboys are going to win this game. Cowboys are going to win this game. I feel it. I think so. They have to. They do. And they are the better team than Arizona.

I think so. And they got pretty beat up bad. They got a little embarrassed. You know that building has not been fun this week for them. That's what I learned about the NFL. Do you know that? They say when a team loses especially bad, it's like the building is brutal. They're like, it's like they just want to go.

wash it out so there we go that's what we're going to do yeah um that was all right i bill i got to be honest with you i i think the i think and i know what you're going to say don't jinx me i think i think the viking's getting eight and a half i that's the game and that's that's got to be if that's not a win my name ain't paul t verzi okay's paul don't don't don't listen don't do that to my best i love the pick and i wanted the bills what were you thinking of yeah what were you thinking about the whole show i didn't bring up the fact that you dressed like elmer fun today I didn't bring that up the whole fucking show And then what are you doing?

One day out of the fall I go red and black lumberjack I like it Paul You look like you're up there hunting pheasants Get some quail eggs out back You're hunting wabbits Yeah I think the game of the week this week

Is Bill's Chiefs That's the one to that's the one to watch Paul can you put on the matching hat please I wish I had it I literally Dude I wish Even with the ear flaps Uh

Ear flaps with the fur That's what fucking Ed Gein wore I dude I know He wasn't out there looking like he was on the fucking What do they call it? The surprise singer

Dude one of the funniest things in that series One of the masked singer I don't know No spoiler alert here How the fuck did they sell that show Paul, the mask singer. Oh, I know, I know. We're going to take a famous singer.

We're going to put him in a mask, and then he's going to come out going, tiptoe throw the tunets. Who is it? He's singing in falsetto. Oh, is that on the Osborne? Yeah, and then, you know, it's like a butterfly takes its head off,

and it was Rudy Giuliani. It's like, get the fuck out of here. Fuck you. And people watch it, Paul. Rudy Giuliani dressed like a fucking Anyway Dude The one of the funniest things was

Ed Gein had that like Oh how are you man Like that well that's what they did in the movie Even though in real life his voice wasn't that high So that Charlie Hunan he kind of went high pitch So dude there's a scene Spoiler alert where the woman that he killed from the hardware store He

And he was like the cops mother. So the detective goes there and goes, where's my mom? He's looking. And he's like in denial. He's like, she can't be here. She's not here. There's not. Her body parts aren't here. And then all of a sudden he's like, the shed, the barn. And he runs in. And dude, the mother is hanging upside

down, decapitated, gutted like a deer, all these things. And he just screams, screams. And Ed Gein comes home and all the cops are there. And he's looking around. He goes, what's going on here? Right. The guy just runs out of the barn, grabs them and starts beating the shit out of him. What did you? Do it, and I'm bleeding.

And Ed Geed's going, this is uncalled for? It was the craziest shit, dude. He's like, was still being that, like, Wisconsin. What'd you do that for? And I was just like, oh, geez.

Oh, geez, what did you? That was uncalled for. I wanted a human ear sandwich. You know, you get cravings. Me and Jim Norton were going. Netflix is going hard with, sort of serial killer origin stories. And let's take another look at them.

Are they bad people? Dude. Or are they more interesting? I don't watch any of that shit. My wife had on this show Great Neighbor or something like that. It is the most fucked up thing I've ever watched in my life because it's actual body cam footage. And I'm literally just being. Oh, I saw that.

I saw that. Dude, it was so heartbreaking to see the kids cry. And dude, there's a scene. and the Ed Gein thing where people are like it's going to disturb you and I'm like I watch all this shit they should give that bitch the fucking death penalty they should they should fucking kill her she went there she wanted to fucking shoot somebody

the fucking kids were just playing dude she was bullying children and then she shoot somebody through a locked fucking door dude seeing those lying crying lying on she was she was dude like I watched it I was heartbroken

and I was fucking furious and it's just like why am I watching this before I go to bed? There's nothing I can do to help those kids. Nothing to do to bring that mother back. It's just fucking horrible. I feel the same way when I saw that. And I love when she got the sentence for life and she just kind of knew. She just was like, okay, like she's a piece of shit and she lied.

And the cops caught her in a lie. And she's like, I can't do this. I can't do this. He's like, you're going to fucking stand up. I love when the cops treated her like that. Dude, there's a scene in Ed Gein that I actually turned away to the point where I just went like this. I went like this, and then I just started looking at my phone.

Was he doing the risky business dance in his tidy whitties? No, he was having sex with a dead body. No, dude, he was having sex with a dead body. And he, like, pulled the panties down and just, like, put his pants down. And I'm going, dude, what's the World Series? I just couldn't do it, dude. It was just, like, Netflix. Paul Verzi draws the line.

It reenacted necrophilia. I knew there was a reason I hung out with you, Paul. listen just fuck that dead body on the couch oh you're not like the kitchen table take out your dick stick it in its mouth what the fuck am I

doing here and then his girlfriend comes home and he like and me with the chainsaw cock dude his his girlfriend comes home and he starts to be intimate

with her and he goes I don't know how to tell him hear this ball because he put her in an ice bath fucking horrible anyways um guys that's the show he put her in an ice bath before this you know what's the weirdest thing is they're making up most of that shit i guarantee you dude i just did sam robert's show on serious all of it is not they tried to act like he helped catch ted bundy he didn't he didn't talk like that he didn't kill the amount of people netflix said he killed and every award show Hollywood is wagging their fingers at other states how they

need to do better. It's like you're making Ed Gein like a fucking put him on the math singer. Bill, when you did this for Ed Gein, I was picturing Patrick Mahomes. Get the body, get the body. Dude, Netflix, it's becoming the serial killer channel.

It's nuts. People are watching. Ted Bundy's next. It's called. I hate that fucking. reasoning people are watching yeah people are dumb help them get smarter i just said help them get smarter that's how dumb i am people smart yeah dude law and order's been on for fucking 40 years people love that shit man uh my favorite law and order is special victims what do you want to watch

rapes every week my favorite was the episode you were in bill oh what one was that was the original law and order. I remember my grandmother was still alive. She called me up and she made fun of me because I only had a couple of lines. You sleeping with the fishies? She goes, you're swimming with the fish? Oh, shit, my mistake. It was Ed G. Spoiler alert. I come. Oh, this is the best part. Here's some behind the fucking music shit about that. When they dressed me, they wanted me to be a creep because I was out like jogging or something and I'm hitting on what I think is a woman under the Brooklyn Bridge.

So the wardrobe lady was all excited. They had a jacket or a vest. She goes, this is the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. And she goes, would you wear this? I go, I love it. Yeah, dude, it was like fucking pea suit green with a shit brown stripe and a yellow or something.

So I wear it a thing. And then like a week later, I still remember where I was. I was like on 9th Avenue in 18th Street. And I saw a real person walking down wearing the same jacket. That's great. That's great. Anyway.

So there you go, Paul. Yeah, there you go, guys. Yeah, watch the World Series instead of all this horrible stuff. And King reimagined as a rock star chainsaw cocked, fucking Maroons 5. guy, honey. He's out there helping people. There's something about being holding a chainsaw in a brazier. That's just nuts. All right. I would think if you did that if you caught yourself in the mirror, you would have to be like, what am I doing? This is even too much for me. All right. Should I get rid of the chainsaw or the brassiere? You know how they say that?

They always say that with women. out of the house, take one thing off. That's what he did. He just puts his head down. And an axe. I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sorry. There you go, guys. Monday night special.

We got the Cowboys minus two and a half. Dak Press got to throw one. CD Lamb to catch one. You have our picks going into the week. Download the app. Use our code. Burr. B-U-R-R. Very easy. And put as little as $10 in the account for your first wager. If you lose, you'll get $1,500.

back in bonus bets first touchdown you pick any player to get a first touchdown in any NFL game you win if you don't you win your stack back everybody so there you oh no if they if they don't get the first touch on but get the second you get your cash back there you go those are our picks check it out i got one for you real quickly yeah sketch you ever been to an a-a meeting yeah i've been at a a meeting it was part of like when i got arrested for drinking driving you had to go and like the fucking stories that these guys had oh i know and and and everything Every time they would tell a story, you'd think, okay, that was his bottom. I kept fucking drinking or I kept using.

They should do that sketch with, like, serial killers. Yeah. I'm fucking a dead body, and I'm holding a mitersaw. And I'm thinking, like, what the fuck am I doing? And the fucking next day. The next day, I'm shoving a cow's head into this cadaver's ass. And everybody in the crowd is like, fucking ass. He's like, I said it was the last time.

And then I went to the diner, and the waitress just looked at me. And I just, I had to, you know, everyone's going, oh, I know, I know. And the whole family is crying, screaming, saying, how could you do this? And I didn't even understand the question. So I'm like, how do I get rid of my victims? I guess I got to eat them. you can't hear you Paul I think it came on plugged

plug it in how about now yeah there you are dude the leader of the AA meeting the head was this older guy and he would tell stories about how he would get so fucking hammered in New York City that he would end up in Italy

and he would end up in London this dude would black out go to the airport pass out on an airplane dude and he would wake up in Europe and me and my boy would just go, hey, that's a buzz, all right? I know that guy's got money. Yeah, exactly. He would get blackout drunk and just end up in Italy and just be...

I know people that would get on a train and end up in Albany. That's the level of person I was drinking with. I got nervous being in my friend's house, let alone being in fucking Italy. What the fuck did I? Was this AA meeting down on Wall Street? Where the fuck was this fucking meet? Dude, that was his thing, though. That was his MO travel, so he would just get black.

I would wait out, but that would be an Epstein Island with like a fucking 12-year-old. I'm just like, you know, those guys that go, I'll tell you what? Where am I? I'm going Italy then I. People are like, yeah, sure you are. You know, the only thing I will? Watch me. And also back then, you could be that hammered and get on a fucking plane.

Yeah. And everyone was all right with it. You could smoke cigarettes and shit. Oh, real quick, dude, I know you've got to go. My favorite thing in trains, planes, and automobiles is when John Candy crosses his legs on the plane and he takes his shoes up. He just looks and he goes, oh, oh, the way he takes his sock off when it's rolled up. He goes, my dogs are barking. My dogs can bark.

Dude, I heard his doc is unbelievable. I got to watch it. I saw it. Colin Hanks fucking crushed it. And I was to tell you that Ben Stiller one about his parents Yeah Is unbelievable That one is like

I don't even know what to say about that one That one is just like it's literally It's life Yeah it's incredible And just how he's able to Look back when he was a kid And in some of the things that he liked He owns up to like stuff like his kids are going

Yeah you know you did those movies you weren't around And he goes, you're right, you're right He goes, I feel like, in a lot of ways, I made more mistakes than my dad. Like, he's really, like, present. Wow. And his kids are like, cool. Dude, his daughter's hilarious. That's awesome.

All right, guys, I got to run, dude. Check out those docs. Enjoy football. Bet responsibly. We'll see you next week. And take care.