Monday Morning Podcast - Human Accomplishments, Woody Woodpecker, Talkative Women | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-13-26

Episode Date: August 13, 2026

Bill rambles about human accomplishments, Woody Woodpecker, and talkative women.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(29:33) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 8-13-18 - Bill rambles about food processors, red heads in movies, and dating sites.Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Glen Campbell - Witchita Lineman (Live on the Glen Campbell Goodtime Hour)SimpliSafe: Celebrate their anniversary with us and save 60% on your new SimpliSafe system at http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURRMint Mobile: To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to http://www.MintMobile.com/BURRShipStation: Get started with ShipStation today and get sixty days free at http://www.ShipStation.com with code BURRHims: To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, and more, visit http://www.Hims.com/BURRCashApp: Download Cash App Today: https://click.cash.app/ui6m/lcfm4iwf #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa® Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton debit flex card, and Bancorp debit flex card. Savings provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. Seeing how your week's going. Seeing how you're handling it, man.

It's fucking Thursday, bro. Fucking Thursday, bro. Fucking weekend's coming, you know? Big plans. Dude, I can't even tell you about them. That's fucking big. All right, I'll tell you. I'm drinking alone.

in my apartment, crying myself to sleep. What about you? What you got going on? Hi. Going to get together with the parents. You know, speaking of booze, old Billy has been off the sauce. It'll be eight years in November.

No need to clap. I'm not a fucking alky. I'm more of an idiot, which is on the alcoholism spectrum, the spectrum of addiction. I stopped at idiot. You know? Oh, let's be honest.

I started an idiot. I maintained. and I maintained. Dead reckoning. From idiot to idiot, every fucking stop on the goddamn way. Every fix for all you pilots. Instrument right down, landed right on the numbers of idiot.

And, yeah, I was an idiot. It's basically what it was. I was an idiot. and I was sad, and I had a lot of shit locked away. And, you know, that's why God made alcohol. He made alcohol before he made therapy. So that's how that worked. Because I think that he didn't realize that other human beings at some point

would pretend to be him. I'm kidding. I'm not trashing therapists. Therapy has been good for me. Can't you tell? Anyway, speaking to God, dude, like, you know, I don't know, the more I read these fucking science books, meaning one that I read,

how long this planet existed before we got here as far as like things living on it. You know, I'm having a really difficult time thinking he's watching, you know, to make sure you're not going to a titty bar. Or like adding that to the, he's got, he's got other. problems. He's got other. He's dealing with something. I don't know what his deal is, but like, I think, you know, I think he makes shit and then leaves. And I'd be willing to bet on all of these earths that they found out there with their fucking big boy telescopes. Imagine there's

all different kinds of shit on each one. Be interesting to see if there weren't any human beings on the other earths and like how clean the water is. There's no plastics. There's no, there's no nuclear power plants that melt down, no oil tank, you know, all this shit that we do. Condoms floating down the fucking river. Dude, I bang this chick from fucking Swarm Scott. Right along the Charles. Cops came, dude. I took the fucking, I took off the rubber and I just fucking threw it in.

Oh, and then something that eats jellyfish comes swimming along and thinks that it's a little jelly. It's just fucking, it's, you know. But we did make music. We did invent the high five. I mean, there's been a lot of good, you know, as much as there's been a lot of bad, root beer float. Let's talk about the accomplishments of human beings here.

Whitewater rafting, you know, with a mustache. I mean, that was a pretty cool one. Tank top, flip flops, you know, cargo shorts. big pockets to carry stuff. Pockets, we invented pockets. Buttons, zippers, clothes. You know, we did that, we did do that. Sports, that was a good one.

Radio, TV. Nerds, not so good. Not so good. Nerds was, well, we didn't invent that. God, that one's on God. So the way I got it scored so far as we're winning. People versus the person that, that created us.

You know, he also makes sociopaths and all the fucking lunatics. I don't know. I don't know, man. I don't know about this blame thing. It doesn't make sense to me. But I am haunted by what that guy said when I was in Finland that one time.

It just made the most fucking, that thing I keep talking about. When I asked him, I was on stage. I was like, do you guys believe in the afterlife? And they said, no. And I go, so what do you think happens? happens when you die. I know I've told this a thousand times, but for new listeners here.

And this guy in the crowd goes, do you remember what it was like before you were born? And I was like, no. And he goes, It's like that. I was just like, oh my God. I mean, out of everything anybody has ever suggested, everybody's theories about what happens

after you die, Like that was the one that I could actually contemplate more so than the idea of forever. But haven't said that, I'm open to anybody's theory on it. And I find all of them fascinating for the simple fact that I'm not dead, so I don't have the answer. You know, people got, they got some cool ones, though. I like the ones that sort of combine. you know, like the afterlife and mortality. Like, I don't know much about Scientology,

but this whole idea that a spaceship is coming back. I mean, that's cooler than what I came up with. Like, you know, this fucking angry hippie was coming back. And this time, you know, this time he's not handing out bread and fish. He's coming back. He's coming back strapped, taking fucking people out. Yeah, he's coming back like those, like a revenge movie, you know? I think it's kind of cooler with like, you know, that whole fucking idea.

You're going to be left behind. That whole fucking sad shit left behind. I mean, how are you going to say that to someone from the latchkey generation and think that they're going to start saying their Hail Marys? You're going to be left behind. And you're just sitting there in the congregation just thinking like, oh, you mean more of the same? So like this, but just like forever. That's what you're saying, all right, well, you know, I know how to make a stake him.

Hey man, no more fucking hostess cupcakes for me. All right, you know, all you goody two shoes can fucking kick rocks. I don't give a fight. Leave with that guy, you know, not for nothing. You just met him, you know, strange of danger. Been a lot of hype about this guy. If he's so fucking cool, why they always got to remind you every Sunday about how fucking cool he is? That just kind of seems like, you know, seems like a little preemptive strike there.

Dude, fucking stake them. Do they still make those? When I learned how to make a stake em when I was in like the sixth grade, like that's where my grade started to dip. Because I would just be sitting in class thinking about I'm going home and I'm making one of those fucking things. You know, it was like a poor man's like fucking steak and cheese. Dude, there were a few things like, there was a few things that I know were fucking bad for me, but like if I had them in the cupboard right now,

you know, I don't care what my doctor says. It's just like, dude, I'm supposed to lay off a steak them. Like, what are we doing over here? Can't have a steak, him. I don't want to live. I do think, let's see, steakhams. They were probably number one on my list. You know, it started when you was small.

Like when you first learned how to make toast, you were just like, this fucking crazy. I can make toast whenever I want to. I know what to set it to. I press it down. It comes up. A little butter. A little jam on it.

Put it on a plate. Nobody's fucking home other than your siblings. You go in, you watch a little. deputy dog suffer through Woody Woodpecker you know I'm not being like a self-hating ginger like he was fucking annoying

and I don't know that he ever got his ass kicked I never liked that about him I did see this episode one time of recently I saw this episode of Bugs Bunny and I probably talked about

this too. I can't keep anything straight anymore. And it was like Daffy Duck, he was thumbing, you know, he's hitchhiking, and our porky pig's on a vacation by himself, you know, he's kind of a sad fellow there, porky pig, you know, sort of the pig version of Elmer Fudd. I used to always get them, like, confused. So Porky Pig, you know, he shows up, he's got, I talked to, you know what, I already told you guys this story. But now what if you didn't listen to you? And I got to finish it. I'll do the bridge, I'll do the trailer version. So, Daffy Duck is dumbing on the side of road. Porky Pig picks him up.

Nice enough, right? Porky's dressed clearly like the man's on, he's going on vacation. You know, looking like a guy who's going to lose a lot of money in a poker game. He's got the flashy shirt. He's got the hat on, you know, I feel like he left his small town behind, you know, and everybody thinks of him a certain way. You know, they don't know what his deal is. You know, he doesn't have a girlfriend.

He doesn't have a boyfriend. He's just sort of by himself and he's not wearing pants, right? So like, what's going on with this guy? He's not hurting anybody, but he's a little too, like, unsettlingly nice. Like, dude, you should not be this happy if you're living alone. Right? So now he's going on vacation. You figure this is where he taps into his dark side.

See, now you can tap into your dark side. going on the internet. Back in the day, you had to go on a vacation. By yourself. So he's by himself. And he sees Daffy Duck. And like most serial killers, he picks up a hitchhiker. So Daffy Duck takes all his fucking luggage. He throws it in the trunk. It's so, he has so much luggage like the trunk is like shaken. And of course, Porky goes to open it. It all goes all over him. And, you know, and it just begins this fucking nightmare. of being with Daffy Duck. He's beeping the horn for him.

He's making him drive too fast. They get pulled over by the cops. Daffy tricks the cop into fucking opening the trunk and knocks him over with the luggage. Now they're down at the police station. Porky Pigs driving, so he has to pay a fine. And he comes out and he's like, did he, the cop let me off.

It's kind of funny. He's a pig and he was visiting the cops. They never did that joke, huh? They kept it real. They respected the police. Shout out to fucking Warner Brothers, right? So he fucking comes out. He's like,

The cop let me off with a $2. And Daffy Ducks like, what? $2, that's ridiculous. I'm going to go in there. I'm going to take care of it. And then he comes back two seconds later. He goes, you got another $8. It went up to $10 because he was running his fucking yap.

And at that point, Porky's had enough of him. And he just fucking, he goes, I got your prize. And he sticks it in the trunk. Daffy Duck, like a fucking selfish bastard, opens it up, gets hit with his own luggage, and Porky Pig takes off. And then it ends with them. standing in the snow, Daffy Duck, shivering, thumbing. And, you know, there's a lot of life lessons in that.

What I loved about Daffy is he got what he wanted, and then he did everything he could to fuck it up. And in the end, if you live your life like that, you just constantly fucking people over, yeah, you end up alone out in the cold. It's fun to go back and watch cartoons as an adult. because you know you watch him as a kid you just think it's funny he's an asshole and he's driving this guy nuts and he leaves him alone but then when you get older you you realize you know adults that lived lives wrote these things and uh they're very subtly

giving you some life lessons who would have known that's why i don't like Woody woodpecker doesn't stand up you know he's just a dick and he's always a dick and nobody ever beats him up and he's always pecking him the beak and he had an annoying laugh. There's not a lot of light. There's not a lot to like there. Anyways, I've been watching my Red Sox, you know, after that amazing run. I hope they won tonight. I didn't see.

But they dropped like three in a row. I caught the end of one of those Toronto games. What the fuck happened to Toronto, man? I had so much fun watching their run last year. I think Boba Schett. He went over to the Mets. Jesus Christ, the fucking Mets. The fucking Mets.

Whether they spend five bucks or $500 million, they get the same results. I've never seen anything like it. They need to like, I thought once they got out of Shea Stadium, you know, it was like Poltergeist. They moved over a little bit, like burnt some sage. They honestly need to research the ground that their stadiums have sat on to see what happened there, because it doesn't make any sense. They do what the guys do across town.

The Yankees get results. the Mets my god it's like they get guys that crushed it I don't know you know something as much as I fucking bitch moan and complain and whine about these super teams it isn't really just that you gotta have like the chemistry's got to be there too man

so I don't know if they can't get on I'm saying the people that went over there are assholes it's just they can't seem to get on the same page it's like you're rowing a boat you're going in a circle or something Well, like, you know, like, when they have, like, a supergroup in music, it's like, what if this bass player got together with this guitar and this guy's on rhythm, this guy on drums, this guy's singing?

And nine times out of ten, it stinks. It doesn't make any sense. And I got a buddy of mine is predicting that that's what's going to happen with the Philadelphia 76ers. They got too much. Everybody's stats are going to suffer. And that costs you. money as an individual.

You got four guys who all want the fucking ball. There's only one ball. It's going to be really interesting. Because that's one of those ones where you look at the 76. He's like, how to fuck are those guys not going to win the championship? We'll see. And that's why you watch the games, as people say. You know, I was watching this movie the other night.

Oh, Billy, Billy's on a fucking tear here. He's just going from subject to subject. Not saying anything. Like this chick I saw. fucking sitting across from this toxic chick. The chick was just fucking yammering the whole time. And all the other girl could do was just react. I didn't even say a fucking word.

I was watching this movie, right? And some black and white movie from the 80s. I'll get the name of it. And this dude had the coolest fucking line. And he delivered it so smooth and like so romantic. It was amazing. So it's this guy. He's like getting dressed for work or something.

I was like half falling asleep. I just put it on, right? It was beautiful. It's gorgeous movie. And there's this beautiful woman and she's sitting on the bed, you know, all this goddess energy, right? Just gorgeous, right?

And she's talking. She's talking about life. And she's talking about a day. And like, this is like a monologue and a half. And the guy's not saying anything and he's just continuing to get ready, putting on his clothes and shit. And she's talking and talking and talking and talking.

And, you know, she's just in it. You know, she's just emoting and saying all of this stuff. And then finally, after like fucking three minutes, which is a long time in a movie, you know, not in life, but in a movie's a long time. So in real life, it'd be like if somebody talked for like 17 minutes straight, she talks for like three minutes, and she finally stops

and waits for his response. response and he just goes he goes he sure can't talk baby girl and i sat up and bed him was like what and every woman i've told that story to like i just told it to you all of them do the same thing they shake their heads but they smile because there's something like disarmingly cute about it even though he kind of said she's talking too much, but he called her baby girl. But he also was noticing her, and he was listening. So there is that.

But in all of that, was kind of he was saying, you talk a lot. And I just think women know that they're smarter than men. So when they meet a guy like that, they're smiling because they're excited that this guy isn't going to be your average idiot it might be a little bit more of a challenge, you know, where they're bored with most people,

they're like, oh, this guy's got a couple of, a couple of tricks here. I like this, but he was, dude, it was, it was smooth the way, it was like Mickey Rourke and Rumblefish, just fucking, it was amazing. I got to get the name of that movie because I have to go back and watch it because the way this person shot the movie was so interesting, like, the person would, like, leave the camera on an actor, they would do like their whole monologue

and there was no edits. They just stayed on a shot. So you started to feel in a lot of ways like you were watching a play as you were watching a movie. So it was really, really cool. Anyway, with that, with that, everybody, let's do some,

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I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend, you cunts, and listen to the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Femmless, followed by a bonus episode, half hour of a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast gone by. That's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll check in. I'll see you, I should say, on Monday. I'm for the county

And I drive the main road Searching in the sun For another Which a tall line Is still on the line Hey, what's going on? It's time for the Monday morning podcast For Monday

August 13th, 2017 What's going on? How are you? I figured out what the problem Was with the volume last time, you know, on my podcast. I was like, I can't figure this out. How come the volume?

I got everything all turned up. I actually had two microphones plugged in, and I was on the one that was turned all the way down. So you were hearing it. I was speaking into a dead mic next to a mic that was live. Oh, Bill, you're so unprofessional. Hey, man, I'm fucking dry. I had a major breakthrough.

Major breakthrough in my life. I don't know if you read about it in the New York Times, the Washington Post, the fucking Des Moines What would they say? The Des Moines Herald? I don't know.

I moved to my house fucking seven years ago. And one of the housewarming gifts that I got was a food process. Oh, I should have said process. Right?

I got a food processor and this fucking thing never worked. I plugged it in. I did da, but that just would not fucking work. years later, I bought a smaller one for when I was on the road when I was going to make myself some smoothies.

Hi, fellas! I was going to make myself some smoothies so I could get my abs, you know, so I could show up at the clam bake. And everybody could be like, oh, what happened to Bill? He's still blinding white, but good God, is he chiseled? Is he chiseled? You can't tell. That's one of the sad things. No matter how good a shape I get in, you won't notice because I'm so blindly white.

I'm chalk white. You just can't see it. You know what I mean? You know, but you know, where's my hashtag? What about me? What about my pain? Having to wear sweatpants all the way through summer? Just avoid the bully.

Anyways, this fucking food process wouldn't work. So I got the little one. And the little one worked a couple of times. Then it wouldn't work. Then sometimes it worked and then it wouldn't work. I'm like, boy, what the fuck are these things shorted out? What's going on with them? So you know what I fuck?

You know? So anyways, I'm on this diet right now. I got a nutritionist. Every fucking thing is, you know, take some almonds and fucking dice them up. I don't know if you've ever tried to do that on a cutting board with a knife. They go flying all over the place. But if you have a word, a food processor, I always want to call it a word process. A food processor.

Why, why it's a jiffy. You know? You just put it in and you feel like fucking Rachel Ray. You're spinning around. You're like, how come I'm not hosting a cooking? show. Oh, that's right, because the last redhead was out there grabbing tics without asking. So there's another black hole in this business. For Ginges. First, the guy from NYPD Blue takes off from his fucking series, like, after one season,

to have a movie career in Jade and all those movies, which were good, they didn't do well at the box office, and then they were like, that's it. Fuck Redheads. Fuck Redhead males in the lead. We knew it. We knew it from day one, even. when we were making black head, black and white fucking movies. Fuck redheads, you know? And Eric Stoltz immediately felt the effects of that. It's all it takes one redhead to go out there and fuck it up. And they just stick us on the bench for a while.

I'm just fucking with you guys. Anyways, I'm on my own journey. What I do and what I ask the universe for is what I'm going to get. You have to have blinders on, yet be empathetic and be aware of others. So anyways, I went to this kid's birthday party on... And it was this Christmas-themed party, which seemed nuts to me. And then I showed up, and it was fucking awesome. They had the AC cranking.

They had the Christmas songs going. It was the kid's birthday. It was incredible. It was actually, it was a great time. They had a basketball hoop. All the little kids were out there trying to dunk. That was funny. Every kid was dunkin.

Because that's all they show. That's all they show. On the highlights. You know. The only way you can take, the only way a jump shot makes a highlight now is if you cross the other guy over and he fell down. And 30 people have to run by this screen going, oh! After you did it.

You know? Like, if Larry Bird played right now, he would never make it on the sports center. I don't understand the running around all the, like somebody could literally take a full water bottle, flip it upside down, and if it lands on top. Everybody acting like the dude just levitated. Oh, I'm an old man. Whatever. I'm slowly feeling it slipping away, and I'm watching young people enjoy themselves.

the new way that human beings enjoy themselves. And evidently, I don't approve. How were the millennial generation survived? Do you have any idea what the fuck my day? So anyways, I, uh, I come home. All right, everything they had at the birthday party, I couldn't eat. I was being that L.A. douche that was on a diet. These wonderful people made all this amazing guy.

It was fucking unbelievered. They had gingerbread men in August. Okay? bread men that could fuck with anybody's December level gingerbread man. As a ginger, I wasn't even offended. Okay? That's how good these cookies looked. Oh, they had cupcakes.

They had rice crispy treats. Then they had this breaded chicken that just looked bites. It just looked fucking incredible. Right? And it was also at the thing. and one of the, the husband was a, was a, a bourbon, whiskey, scotch guy. And he's the only guy I've ever seen that had a bottle of monkey. And that's what I found when I was over in France that I finished in three nights, by the way,

which is why old freckles are still on the wagon. Okay. My fucking, my liver's still, you know, talking to me about that one. Never going to let it go, you know. Just like your chick, you know, you did that. that one fucking thing, oh, they're going to bring it up for years, right? So anyway, so I come home and, you know, I'm fucking starving. All I drank there was waters.

And I had a Santa hat on. It was fucking awesome. Anyways. So come back to the house. And now I'm trying to chop up these goddamn fucking almonds. I'm like, fuck this. Let me get that little food processor, right? And I fucking put it together.

And lo and behold, the fucking thing works. I'm like, fine, great. So I take the top off, whatever, and I go to put my shit in. I put the top back on, and that doesn't fucking work again. And I'm losing my shit. So my wife keeps coming in and out. So now I have an outlet for my anger. My poor wife, right?

You know, it's one of these deals. Like, I'm frustrated over here, and that just becomes like, how many times you're going to come in and out of the door? You know, you do one of those? And then look, what is your problem? Like, oh, fuck, Jesus Christ, that's going to be a fucking 40-minute conversation. There goes my evening, and that's exactly what happened. Well, long story short, I was trying to make some almond-crusted baked chicken breast, eight ounces to be exact, saving the rest from my lunch tomorrow with a Greek yogurt and fucking dill dip or whatever the fuck I had, you know? And, you know, I just said, fuck it. I'm just going to make this chicken plain and I'll just eat it with the dip. And that's what I did. And I've stuck to the diet. Right. So, you know,

my wife read me the riot act what an asshole I am and you know I couldn't argue because she was right at that point my stomach was full and I was able to look back on what I had just done pretty clearly at that point I was just like yeah I don't think I would be liking me right now either so I sat there and I nodded and I agreed and then I tried to make some points which is always bad when you're that much in the rung but you know it's just how I'm wired you know I said you know I'm down 42 nothing I'm still going to try to kick her feet and then I'm still going to field goal, okay. So that took a day and a half to apologize completely for.

And I had to make her laugh a lot and she already doesn't like me. You know, we're having like a rough time right now because I'm on this diet and I keep making extra shit, but it's for my next, you know, meal. And she just, she just, you know, she's coming by like it's a buffet. She'd be like, I like veggie tacos. I'm like, yeah, but there's only. Like this is all measured. And they wait to after you fucking make it.

That looks good, guys. And then you got to be like, no, you can't. Well, you're not going to eat all of it. Yeah, but I'm going to have it tomorrow. This is how this works. Okay? Turn your key. There's a launch sequence to this.

It already started. So that just keeps being a problem because she feels like I'm not sharing. And so what I keep doing is I keep giving her a bite of this bland, sugar-free, salt-free shit that I'm eating. I'm like, you sure you want some of this? You know? She had some of my oatmeal and almond fucking pancakes yesterday. Peaches in it. Peaches in it, the chopped peaches in it. That was the, that was the oasis. She had to keep running to as you worked your way through all of that stuff. All right. But I will tell you, you know, I feel fucking tremendous. My energy is through the goddamn roof. So anyways, the next morning I wake up to make my fucking almond goddamn

motherfucking oatmeal pancakes. And now I'm calm, you know? I had my hot water with lemon. I'm sitting there. I'm by myself. You know, am I? No, no, no. I'm never by myself. That's right. I had already brought my daughter up and I had fed her and she was watching puppy dog pals. And I had her in the high chair. She was locked in. You know, she had a little sippy cup and she was fucking, you know, loving life. So I went out there and I was just like, I'm going to figure out how to use these fucking word, these food processors, not word processor, food processor.

And I got this giant bin where I keep all the instruction manuals throughout the years, every fucking thing I've ever owned. Like, I have instruction manuals for my refrigerator. Like, what do you need to know? How to open and close the fucking door? Right? I don't know. I want it to be colder.

Temperature down. Arrow, arrow, arrow. right um anyways i ended up finding the fucking um instructional manual for both of them and this fucking food processor that i got seven years ago i realized always worked it's just with the food processor there's only one way that it goes together and i know this is basics for a lot of you fucking, you know, people, you know, who don't think outside the box the way I do, who don't have faith in your own abilities to just put something together. You have to cheat and look at the instructions.

See what I'm doing here? I'm making myself a hero. Anyways, yes, Bill, we do see what you're doing here. So I got it out and there's like, there's only one way that it can go together where it's still going to work. because there's no way they're going to let you put it together wrong or have the top off and have that blade spinning. Because you know somebody somehow fucking stuck their hand or their face in it and died, right? You know, or had the top off and then realized they had some ingredient on the top shelf and the cover right above it. And they got up above it, you know, and they were squatting as they were going to stand up.

You know, when old Matt and Ben hung down there, right? I got all shredded. So what kills me, what I've learned about food processors is all of them will go together about three to four different ways, but only one way you can put it together and it will work. And that's what the problem was. The problem is really that I didn't read the manual. But now it's kind of fascinating. It's sort of like this, it's like this electric current fucking thing. It's just like it will go to here.

Now it will go pass through the handle. and then pass through the top. And now you can fucking dice your goddamn almonds. I'll get a fucking text message here. What is the problem? Oh, Jesus Christ. Anyways, so I now have a word processor in my life. A food processor.

Fuck! Processes the food. And I got to tell you, it's been fucking awesome. And I got that little one. I know how that works. So now I can bring that on the road and make some smoothie. You know, there's nothing worse than eating right while you're eating right, but there's nothing better after.

And when you eat bad, it's the opposite. There's nothing better than eating like shit. And there's nothing worse than right after, you know, or the next morning. It's usually two days later. You look down and it's just like, oh, my God. Am I preggers? All right. So anyways, that's my food processor story.

So if you like me, if you ever got a gift, a food processor gift, and it never quite worked for you. and you have like massive ADD or you're just a fucking scatterbrain moron, which I sometimes think ADD is the euphemism for. Just go back and look at the manual. All right. Usually the handle has to face you. And then the top goes on just so.

And then you will just your life will be so much fucking easier. So anyways, the first week was detox. I already did that. And now this second week is healthy gut. So it's a bunch of Greek yogurt that, you know, that has probiotics in it, which is great because, you know, when you drink booze, I guess booze kills the good bacteria. See, there's good bacteria and there's bad bacteria in your gut. The bad bacteria is in there for, well, someday when you die. When you die, that's the bacteria that then begins to feed as you decompose.

That's actually true, man. And it turns into like gas and shit like that. which is why they always find like a headless torso floating in the bay. It's the shit in your gut that turns to gas. And it's like a fucking water balloon and you go up. Not to mention, you know what I mean? If you already got some blubber on you, that's probably another reason. But I remember reading that book, The Westies, that that movie State of Grace was loosely, loosely based on.

And they used to do, they used to, you know, they'd kill somebody and they used to call it the Houdini. because the guy would disappear. And what they would do, they always made sure that they would, they'd chop them all up, but they make sure that they got him too. So then he would never come back. Because if you didn't take the time to, you know,

get the guts out of them, then they would, you'd have a floater. God damn it. There you go. Now you know how to murder somebody? Well, not how to murder somebody. You know how to get rid of them.

Anyways, what did I do this weekend? Red Sox keep winning. You spend enough money, you can sweep the Orioles. That's what we paid for. We've won nine of our last 10. We've won nine out of 10 games in August. We lost one game to the Blue Jays.

Swept the Yankees. Went 2 and 1 against Toronto. Was that right? Went 4 against the Yankees. 2 and 1, that's 3. That's right. And then we swept 3 with the Orioles. Now we've got the Phillies coming up.

Who always play is tough. We've got two games with them. Inner League, excitement. Then we got Tampa Bay. We've got another big test. We've got the Cleveland Indians. Scary, Terry Francona. I still think it's the best manager in baseball.

He's got them playing great with what he has. And we'll see how we do against them. We got two series with them and then Houston before we play two with the Yankees. And then we're done. Then we go into the playoffs, God willing. God willing. But evidently, the whole fucking thing is over. Because we swept the Yankees in the beginning of August.

despite the fact the Yankees have come back down 18 games against us. We've blown an eight. We blew that fucking lead in 2012. I'm never comfortable until you won the division. But then if the Yankees get the fucking wild card, it's like you did not dispose of them. It's just like, well, here we go. Now it's zero, zero.

So all that win in really didn't mean shit. Because the greedy cuts. What fucking 20 rounds of playoffs? Playoffs, everybody makes it. Everybody makes it. Everybody makes it. Hey, if you want to hear something hilarious, listen to Paul Verzies, the Verzi effect this week

because he watched the Giants' first preseason game and that absolute beast that they drafted, his name escapes me. I saw him playing the Rose Bowl, the running back from Penn State. He said, he goes, dude, you got to see his first run. He said, he fucking, he went one way and they had it all sealed off.

He ran the other way for like 40 yards. And I guess the giant faithful were going fucking crazy. You will not find a more loyal sports fan than Paul Verzi. And I know it's been easy to be a giant fan during the fucking E-line days, but he has been a hardcore New York Knicks fan since I met him.

I can only feel so bad for him because he is a Giants and a Yankees fan. He's had plenty of success. Right? In his lifetime that he's remembered, they have won five World Series and two Super Bowls. It's pretty goddamn good, right?

He doesn't give a fuck about hockey. They just won a Stanley Cup. He's not a Mets fan. They won in 86. Here we go, Bill. Now you've got to work it all out, don't you? Then who's left? Oh, the Jets.

Jesus Christ. I think just goes downhill. Anyways, he was all excited about that. I did not see how my Patriots were doing. This might be Tom Brady's last year, or maybe next year it's all winding down. And I'm waiting to see who in the AFC is going to step up. I mean, from the Rumlings, I heard,

it seems like the Jets seem like the odds. on favor to be the next one to have a run. As long as Bill Belichick sticks around after Brady leaves, at least within the next three years, we'll see how that goes. But what a run. What a run. Do they got another one in them? I don't know.

We won five out of eight. I couldn't be fucking happier. Speaking of not be, could not be happier. Did anybody watch any motorcycle racing yesterday or these past two weeks? I believe the one last two weeks ago was in Berlin, I think it was somewhere in Germany. These last two fucking races have been so goddamn exciting. Let's just talk about yesterday's Austrian Grand Prix. Austrian, I believe birthplace of Adolf Hitler, I believe.

Okay? You know what's so fucking, I think it's just because I live over here. Whenever I go over there, that's all I ever think. whenever I'm in Paris I'm like I walk up to Shams Alise I'm like Hitler drove down this fucking street

in a Mercedes Ben standing up fucking waving to the crowd like he just won a Super Bowl you know and I think if you just grew up over there it just seems like old and day shit because you know when I sit out here in Los Angeles

I don't think like hey there was some Native Americans here you know living off the land and not stealing any water Anyways, you got to watch that fuck. If you're going to get into racing, if you're like, it just seems like they're riding around in a fucking circle and you need excitement,

motorcycle racing is where it's at. MotoGP is the best racing out there. Okay? And the show the past two weeks that Jorge Lorenzo, Mark Marquez, and Andres de Vizioso, I hope that's how you say his first name, have put on, has been, It's been, they had me off the couch, miming, rolling on the throttle. I was screaming at the fucking TV, the last couple of laps.

They're basically doing, I don't know, 160, 170, 180 miles an hour, almost bumping into each other. Like they're racing on horses, which is dangerous enough. And what I'm finding is these Ducati have an incredible amount of torque that the Honda can't fuck with. then Jorge Lorenzo and DeVizio, so both are on the, on the, um, Dukati team. Jesus Christ, I just spaced on the Ducati team. And Mark, Marquez is on the Honda. And I heard that, I heard yesterday that Jorge Lorenzo's is going to go to the right of Honda next year. I don't know why the fuck he would do that with his skills.

Why would you want to be on like a slower bike? But Mark Marquez, I think, I don't know. I think he just rides perfectly, so he gets him in the corners. And he just takes the perfect line around the track, literally the fastest way around the track. And then in the beginning of this race, because last week's rake, he came in third, which is a massive failure in his world.

And DeVizioso and Jorge Lorenzo, they passed each other like three times on the final lap. And this week, Mark Marquez and Jorge Lorenzo, there was three passes on the final lap. It was fucking unbelievable. And in the beginning of the race, Mark Marquez, I think, was just, he kind of knew the power that the Ducati's had. So he was just trying to fucking put as much space between himself and the Dukadis as he could. It's so fascinating that they're on.

And then Jorge was kind of like laying back. Or DeVizioso was, I think, was laying back. Couldn't get around Lorenzo. But then you don't know if that's a strategy. Like, all right, you're on soft the tires. go ahead and let you run a little bit, let you chew up your fucking tires. I'm on a harder tire, and then I'm going to fucking, you know, after the race is like halfway over. But they do this subtle thing where they hang back, but they still press the person.

So hopefully their tires are all fucking chewed up and they don't have as good a grip and then they can run them down in the end. I barely know what I'm talking about, but I have to tell you, it is fucking incredible. You have to get into it. And here's another great thing. Most races, it's like 25, 26, 27 laps. There's no pit stops. It's a perfect thing for an American to get into. It's fast, it's exciting, and there's no breaks.

Okay? Even though we have a bunch of timeouts and shit. It's like you're fast-forwarding through the commercials. There's like no fucking commercials. Cannot say enough about it. And for those who actually pay attention, Mark, Marquez, it looks like he's going to win the championship. He's way out in front. I don't know what happened to Rossi this week.

He must have some sort of grid penalty or he crashed. I don't know what, but he started in like 14th place. But that fucking guy is, he's second in points. But as far as wins go, Marquez has won five this year. Lorenzo's won three. DeViziozzo has won two. And Marquez has been on nine different podiums. He's like on the podium.

He's been on the podium every race but two. So he's way out in front. He has like 200 points. And the next closest guy is Valentino. I think he has like 130 or 140. So it's pretty safe to save, barring anything major that Marquez is going to win this again. But I'll tell you, the show the three of them are putting on is fucking, it's unbelievable. And I got to go to that MotoGP race.

There's only one in the United States if you want to go. And there's only one Formula One race if you want to see Lewis Hamilton, who's going to go on to be one of the greats of all time. It's in Austin, Texas And I highly recommend it Anyways, all right, let me do a little A couple of fucking reads here for the week there All right, hold up

You know what I forgot to tape yesterday on Me TV On Sunday nights You know what they got? They got Colombo Colombo Let me just ask you one more question I might be Some just confuse me just a little bit here

I just got to, uh, I love that. I love the walk away and then he would come back. Oh, okay. I see, I see you didn't do it then, but, uh, oh, I'm sorry to bother you then. I'm sorry, I can get back to working out. And then he goes to walk away. Oh, you know, let me just ask you. Just one more question.

And then that's the question that gets the guy's fucking brow sweating. Unbelievable fucking show. One of my favorite memories of my adult life was, uh, I was in Rome, Italy. as opposed to Rome, North Carolina bill. I was in Rome. I was getting ready to do a run of dates. So I had to get acclimated to the time. So I went over there five days early with my lovely wife and my mother-in-law.

And we were all jet lagged. And at three in the morning, we were watching fucking Colombo. Somehow it was in English, I believe. It had to have been because we were watching it. And we've just... It was a fucking greatest night ever. Just one of those fucking nights. You're on vacation.

You didn't have anything to do. And then Columbo comes on at 3 in the morning. And we just had the best time ever watching it. Oh, it's such a great show. Was there anything else that I wanted to talk about? Before I get into your questions for the week, I'm a little pressed for time here. Oh, so anyway, oh, God.

You know, I've been going to the gym now. Everything's going great. I'm turning my ass cheeks. I don't know if I mentioned to this. I did mention this to you, who might have missed last week's podcast. I figured out the reason why I kept having this sciatic nerve problem was because of 20 years of being on the road, sitting in writers' rooms, just sitting down in general, and not doing legs the way I should have. Um, my fucking glutes turned into fucking two pieces of veal cutlet.

And I'm just sitting on skin and bones back there. So, uh, after a while, the sciatic nerve gets in pinned. So, um, anyways, I, uh, I've been doing my legs religiously. And, uh, I don't know. I'm starting to have a little bit of cube steak back there. Still a poor cut of meat, but I am, uh, I am dedicated to doing this. And somebody told me a long time ago that, um, one of the great things to do is to, to constantly, to never stop doing squats. because, you know, as you become like an older person and everything, you want to be able to get up and out of bed, get up and out of a chair and that type of stuff.

And then also your quads are the biggest muscle in your body, so it's going to burn the most fat and all of this shit. So anyways, I'm not going to lie to you guys. I've been really talking to some people for the first time in my life, and I've realized how many exercises I did at the gym with terrible form. So now I have my form down, Pat, like I have my shoulders down and back. And speaking to my back, like I've really been working all my back muscles and everything because, you know, being a child of the 80s, it was all, dude, what can you bench?

What can you bench, right? And it was all benching and curling. You do tries or whatever, but you wouldn't do it. And you would, you do that shit, you know, like I was talking about, where it would be like, you know, if you were picking up somebody's luggage, you know, straight up to do your trapeze's there, but you wouldn't do the middle of your back, your lower back or anything. Your shoulders would get pulled forward and up, and then you'd be benching like that, and then eventually you'd blow out your fucking rotator cuff.

So I now know not to do that. I'm still not benching. I bench now. I do like, eventually I'm just going to do like dumbbells because it allows your shoulders to move independently, you know, so you're not married to one shoulder or the other, you know. It's almost like, you know, how the differential works in your car. It allows both wheels in the back to turn independently so one doesn't get fucking around the turn faster than the other for all you mechanics out there. So I was watching this guy at the gym today and like the lat pull down is the big fucking exercise that I need to do if I'm eventually going to get back to do and be able to handle my body weight to do a pullup again so I can win my bet of being able to do 10 of those when I'm 70.

I have less than 20 years before I'm 70, if you can fucking believe it. That's how fast life goes by. I started this podcast. It was only 39. So this guy comes in. He's probably my age, but in my vain, vainness, I probably think he's like five years older than me. But I do that a lot where I think people are 10 years older than me. They're like three years younger than me.

And it's obviously not because of the way I look. It's my fucking vanity. So this guy, I think he's in a hurry or whatever, but he was doing this. these lat fucking pull downs. And it was like, rather than sitting up, you know, sitting up straight, shoulders down and back, and then not letting your shoulders coming up, standing up, grabbing the bar and then coming down.

And I do, you know, explode down, one, two, and then one, two, three, four going up, right? With weight that you can handle. Keeping your shoulders down and back. This fucking guy was doing almost the whole stack. And how he would get it down was, as he brought it down, he would like lean back and then he would He would use the momentum of leaning back and then pull it down. And I took video, really, you know, I would never show this guy on the internet,

but just to show my trainer. And I was just like, just out of curiosity, what muscles is this person actually working instead of their lats? Because it's the lat pull down. And the person looked at it and said he's working his triceps, his groin. And he's on his way to having a herniated. disc. And I got to tell you, the amount of fucking people that I've seen in that. Now, I'm not trying to be, you know, I know a couple, I know my form now, so I'm trying to be like to snob at the gym. I'm just letting you guys know, having worked through this fucking injury for the last two years because I was

that guy. I was never quite that bad, but my shoulders were up and all that. And I had this big fucking problem that ended up being a blessing because I found out how fucked up my body was. and I needed to get it all untwisted and all, you know, fucking yoked in all these different places. And now I'm trying to build it back up again. But I was always one of those people like, why am I going to get a personal trainer? Like I would always just look at somebody doing an exercise and be like, oh, what's that for? Oh, okay, I'll try those. And I, it's fucking pointless unless you get the form down.

So you really should get a trainer. And then I imagine trainers are just like comedians where, you know, you have your top 10% the Dave Attells, the Dave Chappelle's, those level. And then you got a bunch of fucking dick joke hacks out there that you got to make sure that you have like the right fucking person. And I guess the red flag would be if they just said, hey, do this exercise and they didn't work too much on your form. Make sure you get somebody that teaches you the form and all of that. And so you don't hurt yourself and end up in a situation that I'm in. and that poor bastard at the gym.

I wanted to say something to him, but he had like this fucking crazy type A. I'm in a fucking rush vibe. I think I have, nah, I'm not gonna see. It's almost like telling somebody that they're working out wrong is almost like going up to somebody you don't know

and giving them advice on how to raise their kid. I feel like this, what do you guys think? That's just something you don't do. I think if you were like a personal trainer, You almost have to come in like an apology. Hey man, not trying to get in your kitchen here, buddy, but you're going to get a herniated disc doing that. But then he's going to have to like go into his ego and take half of what you're lifting and then do it the right way.

And I just don't think he's, you know. You know what? Backdor just need business too. Why the fuck am I going to get involved? You know? What am I going to do? I go there and start mansplaining and then all of a sudden the lesbians at the gym and the feminists start yelling. I actually shouldn't say lesbian.

I should say feminist, right? I'm sure there's some open-minded lesbians out there that wouldn't mind a little lat-pull-down fucking explanation. All right. If you were confused by that, don't worry. I was too. Okay, let's get into the questions for the week here. All right. Fresh box.

Okay, wait, wait, let me see here. Okay, Bill, great emails for the week. Fresh Box 23 got a lot of responses. Your request for advice for the 20. 23-year-old virgin in London with strict parents. I only concluded responses from chicks because that's who you asked to get emails in from. But it should be noted about 50 guys wrote in with their advice. Responses are from around the world with different advice.

Yeah, I figured, you know, women would know better. So anyways, this is this woman, she's 23, she's working on a goddamn doctorate or something crazy like that. And she wants to know, she's a virgin. She wants to know how to get out there and meet a nice fella instead of some guy on Tinder, I believe, is the bad dating site. That's a reference I hear younger comics using. All right. Fresh. Okay, so here we go.

Here's some women helping out. Fresh Box 23. Okay, because her vagina is fresh. Has any dirty dicks in there. And she's 23 years old. That's right. Fresh Box 23 was in the subject. Okay.

All right. Clam podcast listener. All right. Hey there, Bill Bow Bagan's. I'm a fellow clam podcast listener responding to the 23-year-old lady who wrote on your Monday morning podcast. Don't go on them dating apps. Most of them just want to bang or they are closet gay men or they are serial killers who still live with their moms. I also did not date until my mid-20s for the same reason. And I found that the most of the most. effective way to meet guys was to get a bunch of single girlfriends and go speed dating. You get to meet these men in the flesh and see them sweating in their shirts, awkwardly palming their sweaty drinks. Where do you go speed dating? It's funny and endearing and you'll have a better chance getting matched to a human being. The fact that they were nervous, I would think that there's something about them that they're a better guy, you know? I can't say a better guy, but then you don't want to be all nervous when they're going out in the job world.

It's a difficult, difficult thing trying to pick the right person. Anyways, other options are to join a church group that does charity work or meet a, that's a good day. You meet somebody or a fellow studious working professional at school. But don't bang anyone at work. That's how I met my now soon-to-be ex-husband. Oh, my God. So you just gave all of this great advice. you have a failed relationship at the end?

What is she supposed to do? I think there was some good things there. Join a church group that does charity work. Maybe not through the church if you're not into that shit. Do some charity work. But then just make sure you vet. Because that's also where I would think a psycho might go to try to get some, you know, some open-minded slash a little naive when it comes to street smarts.

Always have your guard up. Oh, did I mention I saw that movie eighth grade? Did I tell you that? And I didn't, I went to go see it. I didn't even know Bo Burnham directed it. I just heard it was good. And God damn it, I wanted to see a movie. And I went to go see it.

And it's fucking great. It's great. There's one scene in there that is excruciating to watch. But I think it's important that, you know, like preteen, teen girls see it. because it's really a, I don't know, it's fucking brutal. There's a lot of creeps out there, all right? But it doesn't get, you know, it gets creepy enough, but not to the point we're like, I wish I never saw this fucking movie.

But it's, you know, the way it was handled, I thought was, was perfect. And it's great to see a fucking comedian out there directing a movie that good, huh? Everybody thinks all we could do is jump around talking about our dicks. Look at that. Look at Bo Burnham. Crushing it. So go check that out. Support a fellow comedian and support cinema.

Live cinema. All right. Fresh Box 23. Hey, Billy Bobble Dick. That's a great one. I friggin' love your podcast. You're truly the inner monologue in my head for almost every scenario in my life I find myself in. I'm a 29-year-old from Dorchester.

Dot Ave, dude. Dorchester Mass. and am a biology student in a committed relationship. My advice to this broad from England looking for love, dating apps are what I would describe as a last resort. And I believe that's something that I suggested to her. Maybe I'm just old school. But the reality is most people on dating apps are most people in real life these days. What you see on Bumble is what you see in real life.

There's not really one app that's better than the other. they all house most of the douchebaggery in the world. So what's the difference? Meet people platonically is what I would suggest. Who wants a baby daddy from Tinder? All right. Well, how does she do this? But hey, who am I to judge?

Get some girlfriends. Then they introduce you to single friends at a fucking barbecue or some shit like that. I do know some girlfriends who have met their husbands off dating sites. But hey, come to think of it. their husbands seriously suck, seriously suck, just so many dicks on so many levels. All right.

So I think dating apps is out. That's what I've learned so far. Keep on, keep it on. I can't wait to see you at the garden. Oh, wait, wait, that's it. So what was your advice? Okay, basically stay away from the dating apps. It seems like you get a group of girlfriends.

You go out in a herd as the guys are in the tall grass, peeking up, waiting to find a weak one. And I guess somehow you, I don't know. Anyways, let me just read the rest of this. Keep on, keep it on. I can't wait to see you at the God in October, Bill. You red-headed stepchild. And, hey, England broad, it's, it'll get easier.

Just stick your tits out there. And it's like flies to honey. You'll quickly realize how easy it is. All right. There's a lot of advice and a lot of different directions in there. But, you know, she's studying biology. She's from Dorchester. So she's getting a lot of mixed signals here.

All right, fresh box 23 from a lady. Dear Billy Big Tits. I just finished listening to your podcast from August 6th, and I have a few suggestions for the girl who's late to the dating game. I'm only 21, but I'm certainly not fresh out of the box, and I know a few things. Number one, use Bumble, not Tinder. Okay, now she's saying dating app.

On Bumble, the girls have to message first so you can do some flirting. Oh, so you can do, oh, it's not flirting. You can do some filtering out of dudes who seem creepy without feeling pressure to respond to a message. Tinder is good if you want to get laid. If you're trying to weed out the guys who just want to get their dicks wet, tell them you're saving yourself until marriage. You can always change your mind later. Quote.

Oh, so you just tell them you're saving yourself until marriage and that just makes a bunch of, most of the guys who are just looking to get laid, I guess we'll leave you alone. Anyways, number two, my friends love. to pit me out. I'm sure if you ask yours, they would too. Three, like Bill said, fine in activity. Lots of cities have sports leagues. That could be a good place to start. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I really think out of all the advice that I just read there, I would say stay away from all dating apps and you need to get a hobby. You need to carve out some time, some social time.

and like, you know, some sort of sport, charity work, a cooking class, just get yourself out there where it's like, those are really good. I feel like there's a lot of decent people in those things. Sports, you know, you can find the controlling type A dick. But, you know, that guy else is going to crush it a lot of times in the real world. So it depends on if you want an in-ground pool or not. I don't know what you're looking for. But there you go.

There's some advice for you. Good luck. And don't settle. All right? Don't settle. If a guy's being a dick, fuck him. There's a, you know, there's going to be a good guy out there for you.

You don't ever have to fucking settle. Send it back. This food's too cold. All right. Black guy's perspective on stand your ground. All right, dear Bill, hope you, the lovely Nia and the talented toddler are doing well. All right.

First off, there's a lot of white guys saying they're black guys on the internet. So we'll see how this goes. Or there's a lot of Republicans saying they're Democrats and vice versa. You know, I'm a Republican and I got to say, no, I hate Donald Trump and I'm a Republican. They always do that shit. So who knows if this guy's black or not? But anyways, here we go. I wanted to share my opinion on the growing frustrations with situations like this and how they are handled, viewed and discuss. No disrespect to you or your platform. I respect where you're coming from on this topic. I am a 28-year-old born and raised in Brooklyn, that may not mean what it used to. But I know you're familiar with what this

detail implies. Imagine boys in the hood, but dialed down to about four out of ten. That's roughly what I grew up in. I had to learn how to avoid and resolve conflicts like the one that led to that disgusting and pointless loss of life. I want to begin by disagreeing with the shooter deciding to pull the trigger. Yeah, it was ridiculous. He got pushed down on the ground. And the guy started to walk away. I personally could not pull the trigger on a person like that, though I can imagine being in a position leading up to that moment. I don't want to live in a world where this behavior is condoned. I'd also like to point out that people where I'm from pull the trigger for less. Yeah, I'm not advocating that one group of people shouldn't shoot people and other people should.

I'm just saying that if you yell at somebody's girlfriend or wife and the guy comes out and and pushes you down to the ground. That's not a reason to use deadly force. I mean, that's like wild west shit. Anyways, I think all of the adults made bad choices that escalated to the situation. 100% agree with that. First, using the differently labeled parking when there are other available spots is a dick move. Absolutely.

Arguing in defense of a move like that, this is even worse. This is speculation, but knowing what I know about my own people. and a certain type of black woman. If I, as a black man, even politely said something to that woman, there is a very little chance she'd respond politely. Now, this is where I don't know if this is a fucking white dude or a black guy. Insert me in that situation, unarmed, the man would have knocked me down, just like he did, the white guy, and fuck me up.

No news coverage. My own people would have said, I should have shut the fuck out. Yeah, but he didn't fuck him up. He just pushed him down and started to walk away. If he pushed him down and started swinging on him, I got to be honest, even then, even then, I feel like to then pull a gun. This guy's throwing hands. Don't you throw hands back?

Is this like the untouchables? Someone brings a knife and you bring a gun? I mean, this is literally a fucking gas station. Anyways, this is why I wouldn't have said shit. I would have minded my own business. That's the school I'm front. But that is the pro and con of where I come from and the world in general, I suppose. You mind your own business, but then you add to a.

culture where people disobey laws, big or small, and no one is supposed to stand up for decency. Though it is not hurting anyone in that usual scent. It's not cool to park in those spots, and it shouldn't be tolerated. Yes, but shouldn't that guy have stepped to the guy, you know, rather than waiting to the guy leaves and he yells at the woman? Then he kind of put him in that fucking macho position to stick up for his lady. Yeah, everybody was wrong in that. you know, but I mean, to then turn around and fucking shoot the guy. I mean, it's as he starts to walk away, it's just fucking insane.

Anyways, the black guy should not have initiated the physical contact. Never wound what you can't kill. Or the black version, don't start shit, you can't finish. It didn't even look like he tried to dissolve the conflict in another way. Also, you never know what a stranger is carrying, legal weaponry, or otherwise. Yeah, that's true. In New York, everything is illegal, but that doesn't stop anyone. The black guy was about to stomp that white man out.

Do you think that? Because I thought he pushed him down and then walked away. I recognize that body language anywhere. He only backed up after seeing the gun at which point the entire situation should have been over. That's another thing. He could have waved the gun at him. I'm not saying that the lady driving the car. car or that guy did anything right, but to just fucking shoot the guy is nuts.

I mean, who continues to charge when they see a gun? A detail I'd like to point out is that the black guy did not put his hands up when the white man pulled on him. This is because we black men have to look badass to matter of the search. I don't fucking know about this shit. I don't know. I don't know who fucking wrote this. You said, this is because we black men have to look badass no matter of the

circumstances, however, my hands would bend so high in the air, I could have tickled God's feet. The white guy is supposedly known for fucking with people over disabled parking spots. He also supposedly mentally unstable. If those are facts, he shouldn't have been on the street or allowed to carry a fucking gun. Yeah, well, that's another thing too. I actually do a bit about this, how they shut down the nut houses. When I was a kid, if you were fucking crazy, they put you in the nut house. And you combine the fact that not houses, they just have those people walking down the street now and people who are into guns don't want to wait more than 15 minutes to get one, you're going to have a fucking problem. Anyways, none of this shit should have happened. I'm tired of

seeing my people, especially men, die over dumb shit. And it only becomes news if there is a white person involved. Also, men have to rise above getting into goofy arguments on behalf of women, especially when they're wrong. She's likely not going to get hurt. but you are as a dude. Yeah, that is true. Not sure if you can feel what I'm coming from, but I want to make my fellow black men to be smarter and safer. Kids need their fathers.

Best a fan for Brooklyn. P.S., met you once at the Beacon Theater show. We'll see you at MSG. You are awesome. Well, thank you very much. I agree with everything that you said there. Although I don't think it looked like he was going to stomp him out, as you said. I also think that all you need, you just take out a gun.

If you take out a gun, everybody fucking runs. I don't know why that guy didn't fucking run. Maybe you just stunned. Although I remember being at a meet and greet, one of the last ones I did. And this guy fucking went to take a picture of his girlfriend and wife wanted a picture with me. And he went to reach in to pull out his camera and a fucking loaded 9mm fell on the floor. And this is how I reacted. I went, whoa, and pointed at it.

then he picked it up and ran out of that because we were in a casino and it was on Native American land and you're not allowed turned out he was an off-duty cop you know they kind of fucking handled it but

I remember saying to the security guy I said Jesus Christ I go you fucking see that he goes what happened I go up fucking guy just I had a loaded 9mm meters just fell on the ground

and the security guy goes oh he's lucky I didn't see that and I was like it almost hit you in the foot but that's where my cul-de-sac suburban upbringing came into effect, where that was my first experience with that, so I was stunned. But now I've played that over my head a zillion times over. If that ever happens again, kick the fucking gun.

Well, if it's a glucky, I actually can kick it. Anything else it might go off. I tackle the guy, run anything other than be like, your gun's right there, sir. All right. out of everything you said I really truly believe that whole the reason why I don't fuck with people

aside from the fact that I'm half a century old and you know never really took any martial art you don't know what the fuck you're running into you have no fucking idea the training the weaponry the level of psycho the kind of day they're having

if a loved one just passed away you have no idea what's going on to somebody's fucking life. And you are rolling the fucking dice with your life when you make a move like that. And which I understand. But I think it is fucking insane that there's a state out there that allows citizens like the fucking wild west to solve their problems like that. You know? That you can just shoot an unarmed guy that pushed you down on the ground. It's just fucking.

It's just, that's like some shit out of like Wyatt Earp. You know, and I'm, you know, all you gun guys are going to flip out. Okay, just like the, just picture how the imagine, like the average fucking person drives. Just watch the average person go through a fucking security line at the airport. The amount of awareness, the amount of empathy, the mouth, of mouth breathing fucking morons. And the fact that any of them can go out. and get a fucking gun and then stand their ground using that fucking 20-year-old laptop between their ears that is their fucking brain.

I mean, that is some crazy, crazy level of fucking second-degree, I mean, second amendment fucking freedom that usually leads to fucking second-degree murder as far as Einstein. And I am not an anti-gun guy. but I am also like, you know, I just don't want people, you know, walking around like they're in fucking Westworld. All right. Girlfriends, parents, no. In defense of Florida, you don't see that every day, though. You know, you do not see that every day. So I don't know. There's always arguments on both sides. Girlfriends, parents, no. Hey, Bill, I'm 17 going into my senior year of high school and I'm dating this amazing girl who's about.

about to be a junior. She's half black, half Filipina. Philippina, is that you say? Filipino, Filipino, Filipino. I'm a few days darker, I'm a few shades, days, few shades darker than a piece of printer paper. Anyways, hey, welcome to the club, buddy. Anyways, we've been dating for about a month now,

and obviously we've hooked up a couple of times, and neither one of our parents, even knew. A couple days ago, her parents asked her if I was a virgin. And for some God unknown reason, she told them that I had been with a couple of other girls during high school. That wasn't a big deal until today when they started asking if her and I had ever had sex. Apparently, she didn't get the female lying gene and told them everything. Well, I mean, sounds like she has a really open relationship with her parents. I don't know what to do. I'm sure as a dad, you can imagine what you would do to a guy in my position. And her dad is six foot four, 260 pound black dude.

I'm about six foot to 160 on a good day, so I'm not stacking up well against that. I'm not looking forward to going back over to her house and talking to her parents or meeting her older brother that's coming to town on Monday. Any advice from you and Nia and how to not get killed would be great. Yeah, dude. I would be a fucking man about it and I would go over there and just be honest. Just say what you're done and how you feel about her daughter. And then what are they going to do? I mean, what are you going to do? I don't know. I don't know. How old are you is, is, How old you're 17? Okay, see, I don't know what the fucking...

How old is your girlfriend? Dude, don't listen to me. I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know what to do. Now you got me all fucking nervous. I would have to think that if she fucking... If he asked her, they asked her what she's doing

and she was just honest about it, they seem a little fucking open-minded. Like if... I don't know, this is a crazy thing to say, but if she knew that he was going to flip, slip out and try to fucking kill you. Why would she say something? Oh, she could be scared of him. I don't know, dude. You got yourself into a little bit of a quag. Maya. I have no idea. I have no idea, dude. I would go over there and when he says, what's up, little man?

I'd be like, hey. You know, I guess that's when as a man you get into your hypocritical years. when you meet another guy who is doing or trying to do exactly what the fuck you were doing when you were 17. It doesn't sound like you're running around trying to dog other chicks and do all of this type of shit. I don't fucking know.

You know what? I don't know. I don't fucking know. And now I'm thinking what's going to happen when my daughter gets that fucking age. I have no idea. I have no idea. All I know is that I'm hoping

she's at least going to be a brown belt in jujitsu. You know? Which I have. actually, I, you know, I think every woman should learn that shit. You know, it's perfect. It's in close. And if a guy's, you know, doing something you don't want him to do, it's so fucking easy. Arm bar, get him in a triangle. But if they don't even know what to fucking, you know, choke him out and then just call the cops.

There he is. It's perfect. You know? I don't fucking know. Anyways, Jesus Christ, now you get me thinking all this crazy shit. All I can say is good luck to you, sir. And you've got some decisions to make. I mean, you want to keep seeing this woman.

I mean, what are you going to do? I feel like you kind of got to go over there. So the guy respects you. Then what's he going to do? Six foot four, he's going to beat this shit out of a 17-year-old? Wait a minute. You're not in Florida, are you? If you're in Florida, don't go over there because he might stand his ground.

All right, I got to go. You guys, thank you so much. You're awesome for writing in all you women who wrote in. All you ladies who wrote in. I really appreciate that because I wanted to give that woman some good advice, and we needed to hear it from the ladies. I'm going to be in Las Vegas this weekend with Joe Botnick. I'm flying out in the fucking helicopter,

and then the day after, I'm getting, before I go home, I'm flying over to Utah to fly through some, like, fucking canyons and all this shit that I'm coming back. It's going to be fucking incredible, and I'm picking up eight hours on the stick, creeping towards 200. That'll get me up to about a buck 85. And I'm very, very excited.

And I've decided that I want to get my instrument rating as a pilot. Because every pilot I talk to is like, that is a fucking game changer. I just have to carve out some time where I can do it. And I figure if Tom Cruise can figure out how to point it at the ground and do fucking 360s as he's doing it. God damn it, I can get my instrument rating. All right. That's it. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday. And if this knows that stretched down south won't ever stand the strain you for all time is still on the line.