Monday Morning Podcast - Ireland, License Plates, Lunatics | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-19-26

Episode Date: June 19, 2026

Bill rambles about Ireland, chipping license plates, and lunatics.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(37:40) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 6-18-18 - Bill rambles about his last days in Paris, Le Mans, and grounded sixteen year olds.Thursday Afternoon Interlude: The Herbaliser - Ginger Jumps the FenceQuo: Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to http://www.Quo.com/BURRCashApp: New Cash App customers can earn $10 if they use code FAMILY10 in their profile at signup and send $5 to a friend within 14 daysPolicyGenius: Head to http://www.policygenius.com/BILLBURR to compare life insurance quotes from top companies and see how much you could save. That's http://www.policygenius.com/BILLBURRJackArcher: Go to Jack Archer dot com, and use promo code GETJACK for 15% off your first order, and see why thousands of people have given the Jetsetter Tech pant five stars.TOUR DATES ▶ http://www.billburr.com/tourMERCH ▶ https://billburrmerch.com/INSTAGRAM ▶ https://www.instagram.com/wilfredburr/APPLE ▶ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/monday-morning-podcast/id480486345SPOTIFY ▶ https://open.spotify.com/show/5SFiQlOQ3EKmwp0chE1QzY?si=4e6149a2ba584182WEBSITE ▶ http://billburr.com  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking it on you. How's it going, man? Oh, Billy Freckles. Oh, Billy Freckles got on his fucking, he's got on his acting pants. He put on his soliloquy slacks. Got an acting gig over here. I'm out of the country. I'm over here in Ireland. Oh, top of the morning to you. You know what nobody says in Ireland? Top of the morning to you. You go to New York. Nobody goes, oh, I'm walking here.

You go to Boston. Nobody says wicked pisser. Or let's get some chowder. Somebody will say that guy's wicked stupid. Oh, that's fucking pisser. But nobody said wicked piss. You know where they say all that shit in the movies? in the movies.

Anyway, did you see that fucking New York Nick championship parade? Jesus Christ. Even the fair weather showed up. They're like, I got to go to this fucking thing once every 53 years. No, it was a great thing to see. And it's also great that's over now, so you don't have to hear that fucking Alicia Keys song anymore. Jesus Christ.

Oh my God, that fucking song over. And when I was doing Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, every time I fucking was cutting over to my apartment, I had to walk through, we were writing in Times Square, and I would come out in every fucking day. New York. I mean, Jesus Christ, that would be like every time, the whole time you're on the fucking freedom trail in Boston,

they would play that stupid song. I love that dirty one, or that stupid I'm shipping up to Boston song. Do they ever let the people pick the fucking song? Why can't the citizens? Can we have our fucking saying anything? Can we pick a goddamn song? Or can you retire a song?

And just be like, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, we get it, we get it. You know? Somebody's got to write a new New York song. They did the Sinatra one to death, and now it's the Alicia Keys one. They did that one to death. And then up and up, well, I'm from, from, they did the fucking dirty water,

and that I'm shipping up to Boston and I lost me, like, anytime there's a fucking movie, oh, I-cha-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-chud-jit. That fucking accordion every fucking time. Like, everybody up there is doing some fucking jig eating a goddamn corned beef sandwich on the way to get a bowl of chowder.

It's just not what's happening. It's not the vibe. It's never been the vibe. None of that shit. None of that shit. I will give a shout out. Oh my God. The end of the walking pneumonia here.

To all the people from Scotland who came to Boston and fucking drank the town dry. I'm seeing all these great videos talking about how amazing Scottish people are and how cool they were. They would get hammered, but they would clean up after and everybody loved them. They were singing all those songs

that fucking the Red Sox game. man, it was amazing. Speaking of which, now we're into the baseball season. This podcast is just going to be off the rails, by the way, because I'm fucking beyond jet lagged right now. I've got to go to a fitting. They're dressed him more in Ireland, so, you know, they're going to dress me like a leprechaun

because everybody over here dresses like a lepercon. Oh, top of the morning to you. Oh, me, I'm just looking for a four-leaf clover. No, no, for not. staring at their phones, just like everybody else. Anyway, what the fuck was I going to... Well, I don't even know what I was talking about. Had a nice flight over here.

And connected in Afro. All right. Every camp with a long face. Connected in Afro. And it actually wasn't bad. I connected in Heathrow 20 years ago and said, I would never fucking do it again. I didn't give a shit how much extra a direct flight was.

I was never going to Heathrow unless I was going to London or going to England or whatever. There is no fucking way because I remember they made me get off the plane connecting and I had checked a bag. I had to go down to fucking baggage claim, get the fucking bag, go through security again, and then get on a bus with my fucking bag. That's right, and then go through security again. It was just like, I don't think I've ever been to an airport that I just felt like, it felt like the world had outgrown it 50 years ago. But anyway, yeah, it looked old as shit, but they've done a lot to it.

It looked fucking new wherever I was. And it was nice and smooth. they checked our bags all the way through. Granted, we were going to Belfast, which is part of the United Kingdom. Northern Ireland. I wonder if I was going to Dublin, if I went ahead. I don't fucking...

I don't know. I don't know. I was supposed to connect through there because they were supposed to check my work papers and they didn't fucking ask me for them. And I didn't bring it up. You know? All I do when I go through customs,

I just answer the questions. If you don't ask, me, are you working? I don't fucking tell you, because I got the papers and I'm going to pay the taxes. I don't need you then to fucking look at me, and then I got to go to the next, go sit in that fucking room. I'm not doing that. Okay? If you bring it up, I'll fucking say it. If you don't bring it up, I'm not saying shit. You know what? I learned that from being married. Nobody's bringing it up. Why start a fucking debate? Hey, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill. Shut the fuck up. Why don't you try?

Let's try that. Let's try that in the fucking final 30 of your life here. Why don't you try just shutting the fuck up? How about that? Can you do that? Do you do a podcast talking to yourself twice a goddamn week? You fucking lunatic. Anyway, I have my normal level of anxiety before I do an acting gig, which is a good thing. came in not giving a fuck then I would be in trouble oh by the way on my birthday oh Billy birthday tits

happy birthday oh freckles the movie trailer for the social reckoning came out the new Aaron Sorkin movie and that I think it's going to be out in October

maybe November but you already started promoting it from the buzzer I hear it's a pretty good movie, so I'm excited to have a small role in that fucker. You know what I mean? Keep the plate spinning here.

Keeping the plates spinning. So I'm also, I got some really fun stand-up gigs coming up. Going up to Wine Country, I got Chicago. I got, you know, I got a couple two or three ones, Come up, dear.

Sorry, yawning. Yawning like an asshole. So, um... So I'm out here now, and I heard the whole... The, our conflict, our war, whatever you call it, with Iran is over, and I heard we're not getting what we wanted. That's what I'm hearing over here. Now, I don't know what's going on in the United States

once you're in the media bubble. I'm sure we're getting news that, you know, I don't know what, they're probably setting up a fucking UFC event at the Vietnam Memorial. The fuck is wrong with USA! USA! People screaming like, I just do not understand people.

I get it. You love your country. Are you paying attention to what the cunts are doing to it? Are you looking at the right cunts? That's the thing. There's plenty of cunts, but you've got to be looking at the right cunts. But the problem is the cunts point in other cunts. And then the dumb cunts look at the wrong cunts

while the real cunts run away with your country. That's what happens. Oh, that's what happens. Anyway, I watched a couple of movies on the way over here when I wasn't reading the script. I watched the new Spinal Tap movie which I fucking loved. Just seeing him getting the band back together.

And then all the great cameos from all the people that loved it over the years, fucking awesome. And then I also watched Step Brothers, which is just, it's one of the greatest. John C. Riley and Will Ferrell in that movie are so goddamn funny. Like, it's the most ridiculous premise, absurd premise ever for a movie

and it just works. The whole thing works. I've seen the movie a zillion times. I haven't seen it a few years, and I was watching it just crying, crying, laughing. In all the lines that I forgot, when Will Ferrell caused his stepdad at a geriatric fuck. Sorry, I'm trying not to laugh because I'll get the cough and going.

It's like, you geriatric fuck! I'll tell you one thing I didn't forget was when he put his balls on his, drum kit um that's one that stays with you anyway um i'm about to hell get some breakfast here sorry i hope i make you yon there um and i'm gonna uh then i got to go to my fitting the fitting is when you try in your what you're whatever you're gonna wear in the movie they call it your costume which i always thought was weird are you in costume it's like dude i'm not dressed like the Riddler.

All right? I got my shit on that I'm going to wear in the movie. I guess that sounds better costume. Do you have your shit on that you're going to wear in the movie? Anyway, I'm going to try to do a stand-up gig or two over here while I'm here. Just sort of get my shooting schedule together. And I don't know. It's weird.

I feel like this was reminding me a long time ago when I did King of Staten Island. I don't know why. I'm getting those vibes, even though I've done a couple of movies since then. Some reason my brain is going back to that one. Back to a simpler time. Pre-COVID. Jesus, you know the world's fucked up when you say a simpler time, and I'm talking about a time when Trump was president.

Jesus Christ, that fucking guy. My God. But whatever. We're almost halfway down the second time. We're on our way. We're on away. Every day. Every day.

How many more fucking insane things can I see? That Walmart parking lot event. Just fucking whatever. Anyway, plowing ahead. So now I'm back to watching my Red Sox. And I don't know. It's always like such a fucking just grabbing the emergency break. Going from the NBA finals in the Stanley Cup final to just going back to baseball.

But I will tell you, a buddy of mine came over, gave me a bladed birthday gift. Another Boston guy. So he comes over and was sitting down in my living. He goes, oh, you got the socks on. And it was like the third inning. And we just sat there shooting the shit. We both watched the whole game. Now with the pitch clock, it's not that bad.

but it was just such like a Boston thing like it was just, oh, is there a fucking game on? You know, I have to watch the whole thing. It doesn't matter what the fuck it is. I grew up on sports, you know, that's all that matters. You just sit down and I just sit down and I'm like, you know, like, and I just watch some cricket. I said, I'll fucking do it, dude. I actually enjoyed the hell out of cricket when I was in, I think when it was in Australia. I had no idea. I didn't get what was going on. I didn't get how if you fouled it off behind you, it was still in play.

It's just basically like if you hit it. It's like t-ball for adults. And it takes for fucking ever. If you play it the old-fashioned way, it took like three days to play it. And I was like, wow, people picture about baseball. Jesus Christ, three fucking days. But those were the days.

before the internet, before all this fucking surveillance. You know, I heard this latest thing, oh, Billy, I'm just going to drive an old car and not have all this AI shit. They're going to put a fucking chip in your license plate attached to your fucking phone. They're basically going to know where you are.

You're going to be under surveillance, like you're fucking John Gotti and you're running some sort of crime family. It's like, why do all of these law-abiding citizens have to be under 20, 24-hour surveillance. We're not doing anything. It doesn't make any sense. So then what you have to do is you got to think, well, what the fuck are they doing? That's what it. This is what this surveillance is for. It's not for what we're doing. It's for when we finally figure out, or most people figure out what these

fucking upper 1% cunts are doing. They're going to need us under 24-hour surveillance because they're going to try to stop the rebellion. Because that's what's going to happen. They just posted this fucking article. Like another 17,000 people in my business got layoffs and all the CEOs got 51% increases in their salaries. Like my business is no different than your business and it's no different than like overall what's going on in the country.

It is just robber barons just completely out of fucking control. And I don't know. At some point it would be not. is if they could somehow class going after money and power past a certain point as an addiction and that you then need an intervention. You know, and one of the things about people

that are addicts is what they put all of their loved ones through. Which is why, you know, there's a couple of those documents. Like, I didn't like that Charlie Sheen one. He's just sitting there with like this shit-eating grin on his face talking about all this shit. never once does he bring up the fucking hell he's put his friends family ex-wives through he's just sitting there and then i did this i don't you remember it

it's like well i'm glad you had a good time i'm glad you had a good time but people living in reality and with ramifications and shit didn't didn't have such a good time there um so anyway um i wish that they would somehow that wouldn't that be amazing if they could like classify it as that. And for some reason, if you stop a robber baron from doing what they're doing, then it automatically means

that you're a socialist and you like communism and all of that. Which, by the way, most people who say socialism and communism don't even understand what the fuck it is and don't understand why it didn't work. Okay? It didn't work for the same reason capitalism isn't working.

All right? it doesn't work because people are involved with it. When you have people involved with something, the people that fucking excel always are the people who don't follow the rules, the ones who cheat. That's what they do. They just fucking cheat. So everybody else plays by the fucking rules,

crosses the T's, dots all the eyes, and then the people who take advantage of the bankruptcy laws and fucking sue the IRS. and fucking say, you know, and part of the settlement is you can never audit me again because I never plan on paying my taxes. I know I'm just singling out one cunt right now, but they're all the same.

None of them fucking pay taxes. Anyway, it would be nice if the rules applied to everybody. But what if they did that? What if they just fucking, like everybody just sat down, you know, when you're sitting there with your $13,000 umbrella stand next to you? and you have to agree to go to like rehab and like rehab has to somehow convince you that passed a certain amount of money

Patness passed a certain amount of buying of fucking shit it doesn't bring you any more happiness and if you go too far your empty pursuit of happiness actually brings misery onto everybody else and makes people have to live under a fucking bridge There you go.

All right. I got to go to this fitting and then I'll finish this podcast. There's a weird place to stop, huh? Oh, Jesus. All right, quote, you know when everyone on your team thinks someone else handled it?

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going, where's my real dad? And they were like, all right, we're leaving. We're going to go to the playground. Buy fake dad. Anyway, what else was I talking about? I was watching some more highlights of that next parade. And people, you know, there was so many people, you couldn't see anything. So these people were climbing up on this scaffolding.

So one person gets the idea, and then it's two, and then there's 20. And at some point, I'm just looking at it going like, you know, there has to be a finite amount of people that can be on top of that thing before it comes fucking crashing down. Thank God it didn't. but they were inadvertently doing an experiment. So, anyway, with that, we are into baseball season. These are the dog days of June now, into July before football immediately starts up.

Anyway, I'm going to try to keep up on that. I haven't watched any of the World Cup. It's happening right in my backyard, and I've just been so goddamn busy. I did see a little bit of a game France was playing and I think that's it. I don't know. I don't know what's going on other than, you know, our country harassing referees and sending them home.

So fucking idiot. I just don't get this. Like this whole white nationalist vibe, racist vibe. like, I mean, these fucking hardcore people on the right, I know it's not everybody on the right. I don't mind the right. The same way I don't mind the left,

just don't go that fucking far. Like, you go too far, you get into fucking lunatics. Fucking lunatics. And on both sides, when you go too far, there's fucking lunatics. You go from overt fucking racist, saluting Hitler, to the other side of giving hormone

changing drugs to a two-year-old. I mean, all of them. They all belong in the same clown car. And everybody else can kind of fucking chill and I can get in the middle and be like, hey, you know. I don't lean that way, but you're not leaning that far that way. I can go that way if you come this way on this. Cool?

Everybody cool? You want to fucking chill out and go get a sandwich? Anyway. always it's it's a big thing with me when I when I get on onto an acting gig and I do the wardrobe and basically get the look of the person it really just gives you all the ideas and all of that it's kind of amazing how good these people are in hair and makeup and in wardrobe as far as like what they do you know you You just talk about it, what you think the person is. You find some middle ground and then they run with it.

And then it just gives you all of these ideas. I don't know. So we shall see. So I'm going to try some stuff on this one like I do with everything. You know, you try to get a little better. You try to get a little better, you know? Every time you ride a motorcycle, you try to get a little better. You fly a helicopter.

You play drums. You fucking make some blueberry muffins. You know? You try to make those blueberry muffins that will, would have made Robert De Niro happy and casino. That's what you shoot for. Maybe you come up a little bit short, but you know, you got, you were closer there

than you were the last time. The last time you made him. Yeah, if you're not trying to get better, you're just sitting around waiting to die, which I'm not going to lie to you last night. I fucking, when I was jet-lagged, I just had all of these fucking, I didn't think turning 58 bugged me,

but I was just kind of laying there going like, What do I got left? You know, do I have time to learn anything? You know? There's just a lot of stuff that's now out of the equation. Pole vaulting. You know? Always thought someday I was going to get good at that,

and I just waited too long. And then one day you're 58, and you're like, I'm not running with that fucking thing. You know? I always like pole vaulting because it just seemed like real world applicable. I can't tell you how many. cop shows I've seen where they're chasing a perp down the fucking alley. And what does he do? Does he pole vault over this? No, he fucking jumps on the chain link fence. He starts climbing up

and they always grab him by his jacket and they pull him back down. And now he's going into fucking central booking where you're in there with everyone from fucking some drunk college kid to a full on fucking serial killer rapist. You know, but if you fucking knew how to pole vault and you're running down the alley and conveniently there was something, like a Jackie Chan movie, there just happens to be something

that's supposed to be something else, but you know it's really for pole vaulting? You know what they should do? You know, like those fucking canes that blind people have? And they just fucking out of nowhere, they pull them up right? I mean, it just fucking unfolds.

like when you remember the butterfly knife it's like that but it's it turns into a cane and you can't stab anybody you know they should do that with like pole vaults up the pole you know you just have it in in like your pocket like a flashlight and then god forbid you're getting chased by a mob of people like all of those people that wore spurs jerseys to msg during the finals you know if they just had one of those fucking things as the mob was coming at them they could just run at the mob, which would cause, you know, when you run at the predator, they're used to chasing. They'll stop like, well, what the fuck's going on? And then you pull that shit out, although reaching into your pocket in New York City and nobody knows what's coming out.

It's very dangerous thing to do. But they don't, you know, they have strict gun laws there. Not that people follow them. You pull that fuck a thing out. And right before you get to those orange and blue cunts, you stick it in the ground in a pothole conveniently right there. New York City streets, and you go up and over those fuckers. All right? The key is when you go up and over, you hang onto your stick and you press the button again, and then it's gone. Then you know, New Yorkers?

It doesn't take a lot to make New Yorkers go, oh, shit! And then forget what they were mad at. That's what was missing at the end of those Nick Spurs games was the pocket poval. That was missing. and a good economy and good leadership. Straight across the board. That's what's been missing. All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

Have a great weekend, you cunts. I apologize that it was a little bit late. But, you know, all of these fucking overtly racist people that are coming out of the woodwork in this idiot we have for a leader that is just making it okay. You know, I really think if you don't, I don't think that way.

You should be just as loud, if not louder, than these other people. Because this is a meathead fucking time. And the internet is a giant think tank for these fucking meatheads. And I don't think they even understand how dangerous they are. And I don't think they even understand

what they're doing to their own country. I don't think they understand that as they're chanting USA and jumping up and down and thinking that they've won something every day they're losing more of it, and the cunts that are taking it, I have them looking at the wrong people. That's what I think. I also think it's going to be a nice weekend, you know?

And you could choose not to be a racist fucking moron. All right, enjoy the music, and the bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon after you and this is a little Friday, Monday morning podcast. Do the Monday morning podcasts. DeSuite, 2018. What's going on? How are you?

How's your Monday treating you over there in the States? I got my last couple of days over here in Paris. I'm psyched to come back. I'm sad that it's over. I had a wonderful time. Thank you to everybody over here that put up with my horrible fucking French. You know, I know. I just stayed in the, I punished him with it this time.

Okay? And if they didn't like it, somebody taught me something to say to him, just say, ah, Vartufe on Coo-E. That means go fuck yourself. go to do you a cule

cule an cule en cuole a culey a monsieur yes yes

you you you I I'm to I to

do you do do you got to throw in the mister still be polite

you know what I mean you can tell somebody to go fuck themselves over here but when you

wearing a scoff you got to throw the monsieur you know So you don't seem like an animal. All right. Roo.

I learned that, you know, that's the hardest one to say, to say street right over here. It's Rue E, Rue, but you got to go, Ruh. Roo. Rue, son, honor, monsieur, auet, auée, entoufé, en cuet, enculet. I'll get it. I'll get it done. I'll learn how to say, go fuck yourself in a new language. All right?

Before we get started, a very special thanks to a very special person and a wonderful comedian and equally as well human being. Mr. Tom Rhodes for hooking me up, he found out I was in Paris and he was like, are you still there? I said, we. He said, ah, monsieur, you need to go to this fucking patisserie. They have the best fucking sandwiches and blah, blah, blah, blah. And God damn it, the man was right.

Best sandwiches I've had over here, maybe top fucking two or three sandwiches I've ever had in my fucking life. And then I had, uh, what are those little macarone, those little fucking cookies. They made a giant one. It was pistachio. It was fucking incredible. You know, when food's so good, you start having Tourette's as you're eating it, just like, oh, fuck. Shit. All right? I was doing that. It was unbelievable. Fucking eating this. Um, looking around for people to let them know, you know, now I know what you're going to say. What's the name of it? Bill, what is the name of the patisserie over there in Paris? And I only have one thing to say to you.

Far too fair on Kulay. I'm not fucking telling you because I don't like standing in lines. All right, become a fucking comedian, befriend Tom Rhodes, and maybe he'll tell you. Okay? But what I ate today was magic. All right? And I've been around enough magicians in this business to know that you never reveal the trick. Okay?

Tom Rhodes showed me the trick, okay? It's his trick. It's his fucking, it's his joint. Oh my God. It was fucking unbelievable. I walked a mile and a half over there and back. It's my workout in the morning. I go for a brisk walk.

You know, I'm starting to learn how to use those little places where people jog along the Sen. I go down there so I don't have to deal with the fucking giant groups of people crossing the street to go to the Notre Dame. I actually, we actually went in the, we went in that church, and I'm glad I did it. The line moves really quickly. You go in there, you're like, wow, this is echo, echo. This is huge. This is scary. These statues, not a lot of positive messages in them.

A lot of misery, a lot of death, a lot of weeping. But I think that that's just sort of the vibe back then. I mean, people just, people fucking died back then, you know? Not like today. People just, they live for fucking ever. You know what I mean? At my age, I see somebody died 70. I was like, oh, fuck, what happened?

What did he eat? No. It's too soon. Dude, back then, you fucking, you went outside and like a mosquito bit you, and then your whole village died. The second you sneezed, everybody was just done, you know? And I believe it was some pompous cunt that, said art imitates life so if everybody over there's dying and you're really good with your hands when you get to clean it there what do you think you're going to make you're going to make some

fucking miserable statues you know i'll tell you these these these fucking people around here walking around these pasty white kids thinking that they're goth okay with their black nails and lipstick and all of that bullshit let me tell you something you got nothing on some of these statues there in the Notre Dame. So you know what I have to say to all you goth kids out there? Antuffe. Uncule. Ah, I fuck it up every time.

Whatever. That's what you do. You just punish people with your fucking... I ran into some guy with a fuck I forget where the fuck I was. Some guy from Washington, not D.C., the state, right? and he was talking about trying to learn French over here. He was living over here. He said, it's brutal, man.

He goes, you know, you try to speak it to him, and then they just start speaking English. And I told him, I said, I go punish him with it. I don't give a shit. If they do the whole thing in fucking English, you stay in the pocket, right? Stay on Target, that Star Wars shit. Did I tell you guys, actually on the plane,

I watched one of these plane rides I took, I watched one of those, one of those Star Wars movies. Laura Dern. F is for Families, Laura Dern was in it. The woman who played Princess Leia, I believe it was the last movie she did before, unfortunately, she passed away. I don't know who else was in. A bunch of young people. All right. Kids, kids to me. Kids to me are under the age of 39 at this point.

And I really enjoyed it. And I'd like to apologize. to anybody I might have offended at Comic-Con. I don't remember what the movie was called. Oh, there was a Luke Scott. Mark Hamill was in it. Right? And at the end of the movie, right? I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Like you nerds haven't watched it nine million times. You know, weeping into a potato sack, whatever. You know, I liked how he was wearing the Ben Kenobi fucking, like, you know, it really, the messages. Star Wars, you know, that if you actually live a righteous life, you know, that there's really no money in it, the way the whole game set up. And you end up in like a burlap sack for a bathrobe, just living by yourself, you know, making rocks levitate, you know, for tourists, whatever the fuck it is he was doing on that island. But if you sell your fucking soul to the dark side,

you know, you get that dope-ass outfit that fucking, Darth Vader had, you know? That looks like some shit. What's his face would have designed? Who's the designer over here in France? He used to be fat, and now he isn't, and all he does is shit on fat people, and he won't make clothes for fat people.

Hey, Nia, what's the name of the designer over here? He's hilarious. He used to be fat, and now we're... Shut out. And now we are. See, like I said, we've been on vacation too long. Hey, Nia. I love you again.

On to Q-A? I can't remember. Are you telling you to G-F-Y-S? Yes. G-F-M-S? I'm telling two to do that, because I know you and you're familiar. What's the name of that? What's the name of that?

Luke Robitard. What's his name? Who's Luke Robitide? I don't know. What designer? The designer, white-haired guy. He used to be fat. Carl Lagerfeld.

Yeah, doesn't Darth Vader's suit look like some shit he'd come up with? Oh, for sure. Yeah. go. I fucking nailed it. You're impressed with some of my fashion knowledge. I am. You've been, you've been proving yourself to be quite the fashionista out here. I was telling, told you the difference between the hoary style and the, the elegant style. Right. Yes, thanks for explaining that to me. What do you mean? You actually were fascinated by it. Right, because we went to lunch and we were talking about how some of the girls were like very elegant and some, you know. Some are all

Instagrammy. Mm-hmm. He was desperate. Like they were like basically the fashion version of a comic with the catchphrase. Right. Yes, exactly. Opposed to me, who's all pure up there with my shit and dick jokes. Yeah, yeah. The comedian's comedian. That's you.

I was going to bust in here and see what you were talking about. You jerk, what's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. Yesterday, for Father's Day. Yes. My second, dozieum. Ahwe. Ah, way.

I, uh, we went to the, uh, van Cate, uh, Le Mans. We went to the 24 hours of Le Mans. And, uh, Nea, how did you enjoy it? How'd you enjoy it? Four hours. Um, no, but it's not always like that. Sometimes it's, sometimes it's, who's that? Yeah, but like, what, so are you just waiting for somebody to crash or like, what's the, because it's just round and around she goes.

where she stops. Nobody knows. It's like, you know, like it wasn't that exciting. I mean, I know that it's a big, it's a world famous. Was it cool to at least see cars going that fast that close to each other? Oh, like, I've seen cars goes fast before and it doesn't really do that much for me. Um, for me. This is, this is what's fucking hilarious. It was Father's Day. I would go to Formula One with you because is that the same thing, though? It's just round and round. Yeah, because if you were sitting in the stands and they just fucking drove in a straight line, it would be over in a minute.

So that's why they go around and around and around. And then they would also have to clear out, you know, for a 500-mile race, if they had to clear out 500 miles of streets in a straight direction. I mean, all of a sudden you can't go from Mississippi to fucking the other side of Texas. Well, you know how on horse racing? And I'm not saying that, like, horse racing is a, Okay, but you know how it's like, go, baby, go. And everyone's like, yeah, yeah.

Like, let's go, let's go, baby, go. There wasn't a lot of that. Like, people were on their phones. People were eating crepes. Like, it was very, like, subdued. Like, there wasn't, it didn't feel like there was a lot of action going on. A lot of excitement is what I'm saying. Because it was a 24-hour race.

That's maybe too long. Like, maybe they shouldn't have to be 24 hours. I would say this. What I was amazing to me is that they had, I counted, I was saying, there's got to be at least two classes, if not three classes, a car out there. Turns out there was four different classes. So I think there was like four winners in each class, one for each class. But we got there on the second day.

So when we showed up, there was two cars in the lead lap, both Toyotas. And the guy in first place was ahead by like a minute and a half, which is like a, you know, that's like almost. the back of the race and anything else. And then the guy in third place was 12 laps down. So I was kind of like, oh, so this thing, there's three hours to go, and this is already over unless somebody crashes or has a problem with their car. And the Toyota in second place did have a problem with this car briefly, which put him even further back.

Then he was down two laps. And then so, yeah, it's more of like an endurance thing. I thought it was fascinating because I would recommend if you go to it, go for the start or I would go at night just to see him at night. It was kind of cool to see the brake lights and wipers and shit. I've never seen that on race cars. It's usually just like it's just a shell for a body with a whole full roll cage and it's just the power train.

That's it. So it was exciting to see one shell wipers. Yeah, it was for me. You know, you know it's funny. No, no, no, no, no, you know what it is? You know what it is? Yeah, Steve McQueen and all that shit. It was, it was, just to know how many people have died and the balls that it takes and all of that shit to do it.

And I got to be honest with you. You know, we were driving out there. You were listening to your Beyonce and your Jay-Z that we got there. And you were on your phone the entire fucking time. And it made me feel good about that time I walked out when you were, you said you were, quote, in this play. First of all, that is not the same thing. How dare you even make that comparison? I'll make it again. Don't you yell at me on my own phone the whole time.

I was taking Instagram video of you, okay? And Instagram video. You and of myself in the race. But like, I wasn't on the whole entire time. And I didn't walk out, okay? I wasn't like, all right, I'll be in the car. I can say the same thing about that play. I sat through the first half of it.

Were you in the 24 hours of Lamont? Were you in it? Were you driving? And I walked out? It was Father's Day. No. It's not the same. same thing. I think it's the same thing. I was the, the narrator of that show, and you walked out

because you were, like, bored, and it was so rude, and it really hurt my feelings. I didn't support of you. I did it on support of you. I cannot believe. No, you didn't. You did it for entirely selfish reason. You were sitting right in my line of view, and then we come back from intermission, and you're fucking gone. And I can't even believe it was a white guy rapping. And it was a play. It's the two worst things ever combined, and I sat through 90 minutes of it. And you were a better actor than anybody there, and all they had to you was going later at the Hall of Justice. It annoyed me.

I can't even believe that you would bring that up so many years later. How long have you known me? I'm going to bring that up so many years later after this. You really are like the king of bringing back stuff. Well, yeah, remember back when? And it's like we've been together for 15 years. You're literally bringing up something from like year two of our relationship. What else do I bring up from way back when?

Like a lot of stuff. Oh, good point. You're the king of making a big statement. and then you can't back it up. I am the king. That's the fucking point of it is I am the goddamn king. Oh, good one. Yeah, take that to the bank and try to cash it.

No, I get, no, auto racing is a torturous thing to bring to somebody who doesn't give a shit about cars or really understand how they work. But we met that really nice guy, Ryan Hillie. And he's the one who taught me how to say, go fuck yourself. What's up, Brian? He was really nice. He was very nice. And he helped me out my Fringe. I can't believe I went there.

Oh, this is a, here's a great one. So Nia doesn't like beer. There's no wine there. So I keep buying two beers and it's like, oh, you don't want to finish that? So I'm drinking. Daddy's having a good time on Father's Day, right? So I bought a- How they have crapes there, but no wine.

I mean, it's just friends. But that truly was- Because crepes to them is just like a fucking sandwich. Yeah, that's true. That was really kind of. What about the other guy? Is it insulting, if I say, that it's like the NASCAR France, that's insulting, right?

Because NASCAR is not on the same level as 24-hour limon. I don't know what you mean. I think that you were more looking at it like you were outside Paris, so there wasn't as many fancy, closed people walking around. I think that that's what it is. You're a class kind of person. Like, oh, you're here, you're there. No, no, no.

I'm up here. I'm not classes or elitist, and I'll thank you for not pushing that because people are all in my comments being like, oh, I hope you are nice to the waiter. Oh, I hope they didn't piss me while. Like, you know. What are they saying to me? Oh, could you be nicer than Nia? Do they say that? Yeah.

When? Every fucking week. Let me see. I want to see. I want the receipts. What do you want the receipts? Well, I want your fucking receipts then. I'll show you.

My receipt. I'm coming to me like you, the FBI. You're going to turn over my laptop to you. Oh, we have fun. Yes, we did. We had a great time over here, and tonight we are seeing guns with roses tonight. And it's hard to hold a candle in the gold November rain. That was good.

Thank you. I have never seen them a concert. I am so excited. Yeah, it's going to be ridiculous. It's going to be awesome. So that's what we're doing, and then we're going to, like, and then we're going to, and then we fly back. Do you know what you are?

I hope he says that. How do he say that in French? I thought you learned that. I want to learn that. To a mort! Anyways. I don't know. I've been having a good time.

I have been torturing people with my French, haven't I? Yeah. I don't, when they go to English, I don't give a fuck. It's like, it's the most fun. It's so much fucking fun to just, just. Some French people will humor you, but a lot of times they can't be bothered. Remember when, oh, remember what was the restaurant we went to? And we were having a hard time figuring out the menu.

And I was saying to the guy, I asked him, I said, oh, can you translate some of this stuff for us? And he goes, oh, why don't I just get you an English menu? And I was like, yeah, okay. And you were like, oh, no, no, I want to explain. It's like, Bill, he doesn't want to sit here and translate the entire menu. Hey, there's an English menu. Hey, how does parents make their money? tourists

if I yeah fucking humor me okay but it doesn't work like that when you come over to my country uh you say uh is there limited that's that you

no uh we miss here it's fucking down the street there I know they're all fucking don't don't pull that shit I'm so sick of hearing that every fucking person who isn't from America is fucking is is the greatest person ever I'm walking right now

hang on a second yeah I gotta go to my charger here we're walking I'm always always spinning always moving Kyle Dunnigan I don't know what the fuck it is No no I don't I don't do that

Okay People here in France are just like Americans Okay Some of them are nice Some of them are not and a lot of them are fat Okay Yeah there's a lot of fucking fat people Okay

Me? Okay Okay Kyle done again you genius All right Do you have anything else to add about how You know Okay Here's a thing

All right. So maybe you didn't do it to the level of walking out halfway through a play with, I want to reiterate again, just in defense to my listeners. It was a play and there was a white guy rapping the entire time. Okay. And it wasn't Eminem. His eyebrows up like he was blowing my mind. I sat through 90 minutes of that as you sat over in the fucking corner.

going later. Paging, Mrs. Herbert. Mr. Herbert, you have a phone call at the front desk. Yeah, what the fuck? And then I went out through the line. I was reading stage directions because it wasn't a full production. It was kind of like a stage reading. So I was, it was a musical.

I don't sing. So, you know, I was there doing the stage directions. I got paid. It was a gig. I don't sing. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

The point was coming to support me. I know. I just poured this shit out of you. I didn't make you Uber home. I didn't walk out. I went out and I had a Sam Adams. And I was like, and I came back. Wait, let me finish.

And I sat down. I was like, fuck, that was delicious. That was as delicious as what I just saw was horrific. And I was just like, maybe if I stay out here, she won't notice. It was totally selfish. It was totally selfish. We made eye contact during the first act. And I have apologized.

And it's because of the guilt. No, no. That I try to bring you down to my level. Oh, no. That's what it is. It's because I love you so much. Oh, please. And it shames me that, you know, just because, you know, I do all these great things for you.

You are a manipulative son of a gun. Yeah, what did I learn it from? I don't know. I'm looking at you, cry on cue. I'm not your mama. I didn't teach you this. Oh, God. Did you just try to be sassy?

Yeah. Jesus Christ. I just felt like I was doing it. Did they reboot good times? What just happened there? I'm not your mama. We'll be right back with white red and black nini after these fucking messages. Anyway, white red.

White red. All right. Are you going to miss this apartment? I'm ready to go home. The Guns and Roses thing is going to be. It's perfect. We're going to do that and then we fucking go home. I'm ready to go back.

Eat some quinoa. Get back on my diet. hit the elliptical. Oh, you mean having quissants and baguettes every day? They're so fucking good. They're so good. Not good for the waistline. Yeah, but you don't get as bad as if you eat them over there, you know?

Who makes them? Howard Johnson? Who makes them in our country? Who makes the bagels? There's a couple places in L.A. that have really good... Entiments. Entoments. Pepperage farm.

No. There's some good places that have amazing croissant, but... No, not like here. Okay. All right. Well, thank you for coming. Let me finish this fucking thing. Oh, you're not done?

Huh? No, I'm only 23 minutes in. This is usually when I butcher. Oh, God. Are you serious? Are you serious? All right. Well, you know, certain people have to take a nap in here.

Oh, well, you told me to come in here. In about an hour. In about an hour, they do. All right. Look at you walking out on the podcast, the way I did on your play. Don't. I guess we're even now. Even try it.

Oh, my God. Oh, boy, madame. Oh, God, dude, that the fucking play was... That fucking play was the worst. Oh, this fucking kid. Up-d-d-d-d-d-do-do-do-do-do. Do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Doing the fucking thing with his hands.

Oh. It was... It was in a... How fucking long are you supposed to sit there for that, you know? And she gets to go to a goddamn car race and fucking sit there and... look up dancing with the star shit as I'm sitting there. She could clearly bored out of her fucking mind. Bored out of her fucking mind at that fucking race.

Tough like fucking shoe leather that mootzer out. All right. Where the fuck is advertising for this? You know, I'll never live down that. I knew it. You know what's so fucking stupid is if I just went back in for the final 90 fucking minutes. I'm the king of bringing up shit. You know how many times she's fucking brought that up to me?

Put it this way. I've got yelled at that longer than the fucking play was. All right. Please don't read on air. This is a note from somebody. Host says he doesn't know what he's saying. And at the end, the office advice that directly contradicts what he read. They just ask that you not imply something.

Okay. All right. All right. All right. Everybody fucking relax. Jesus Christ. Okay, it's not about giving people information. It's about it being entertaining.

All right, all right, there you go. What, bupah, bupah, bup, bup, all right. Now, where did all my questions go? Uwee, monquessal. All right, so, anyways, oh, my God, I made such a fucking ass of myself. I've eaten so much French food, okay? I got fawking baguettes coming out of my fucking ears over here. And I'm growing a fucking beret where my hair used to be.

Okay, I'm bad here for two, fuck, a fuck. So up the street, they had this, they had a little pizzeria. So I'm like, okay, there's no way this pizza can be as bad as the pizza in L.A. You know, I know it's not going to be as good as Italy. Who gives a fuck, right? So I'm trying to find this place. And what happens when you're in a country where you don't speak the language is a lot of times you stop reading words and you just start looking at color.

of things. And you start like, um, like anything yellow is a taxi, anything blue becomes a police card, like that type of shit. So there was this restaurant with this red awning, like the Italian restaurant. And I'm looking at it going, I don't know, man, this doesn't quite look right. And rather than just reading the French, what is it, brittisserie or something like, whatever, I went up to the guy and I was just looking at the menu and I was just, you know, I was just tired. And I couldn't find any pizzas or anything. So finally, this guy walks out to one of the fucking ways, he's like, you know, bonjour monsieur, blah, da, da, da, da.

I was like, excuse me, is this Italian restaurant? And he just, like, goes, girls like, oh. He's like, no, monsieur, this is a French restaurant. And he just fucking walked away. I felt like such an asshole. What is it, brazory, whatever it means. It was written right there across the red oning. And then it went one more block up, and there's the red awning.

That was the Italian place. And I wanted to yell down. Excuse me, I was only off by a block. Go fuck yourself. But I knew he was right. And I went in and I ordered two pieces, right? I got the margarita and then I got the one with the anchovies on it.

And I got to tell you, it was fucking horrific. Worse than the pizza in L.A., but the salad nisois was a perfamies. Um, was actually delicious. But, um, I might have Indian food tonight. I just, I can't fucking do it anymore. I stayed here just a couple of days too long, but I got to see Guns and Roses. You want to hear my whole fucking Guns and Roses story here?

Okay. Uh, the first time they came around in a city that I was in, they were opening for Motley crew, the original lineup. And I forget why I fucking missed that show. all right and then um then the

Us Your Illusion Tour came out and I had a ticket to see him on that one and then one of my buddies you know the love of his life dumped him and he was fucking devastated borderline suicidal and he needed some sort of

fucking light in his life so I said hey I got a ticket to Guns and Roses you go you need it because I don't want to see you kill yourself and he said I appreciate that, man. And then, you know, all the drama happened, you know, and all the, you know, the whole band basically was just Axel, right? And then they didn't tour for like 10 fucking years or something like that.

And by then I was a comedian, I just, you know, and then when they got back together, I had a hookup to go to the show at the fucking club there, the Trubador. Their first time back together, I had a ticket for that, but I was working on the road. couldn't go every fucking time I've tried to see this band

one of my favorite bands of all fucking time I just something has always happened where I haven't been able to go so finally finally I'm going to see him tonight I can't fucking wait it's going to be yeah that's not even

going to be real until it starts happening that's how long I've been waiting to see this friggin' band so anyways very excited about that and I'm also great way to wind up a perfect trip and then get back to the States and do some stand-up

because I have not done stand-up in a couple of weeks old fucking Rusty Jones is going to limp on stage down at the comedy store later on this weekend probably try to get my fucking act back together so anyways let's my daughter has to take a nap my lovely daughter

she's so cute she could say all these French words now yes bon bonjour why isn't this light working? I can't even see how many time I've done here. All right. Let's read a couple of questions here.

Oh, von Kant et Le Mans. 24 hours of Le Manses. Le Mans. Hey, Billy Borgignon. I just heard you say you were going to Le Mans for the race. I'm from Cleveland, but was able to go to the 24 hours twice when I happened to be in France for work the same week. Not sure what your plans. there, but had to let you know about an awesome hidden gym along the must lane straight.

My first time there, 2012, a friend came out to meet me and we drove down with essentially no plans, didn't have tickets or a place to stay that night. We bought tickets at the gate and gone in just in time for the start, then ended up befriending and drinking with a group of Brits that lasted most of the day. Oh, this is how you do it. One of the, this is what I'm going to do the next time. of them told us of a bar somewhere along the, no way, the ridiculously long straight that runs a few miles away from the area of the track you get access to. Oh, you get access to it with the tickets. So him and the two of us decided to leave the track and catch a cab to try finding it. It took

forever seeking it out, though. Random back roads, the streets you would usually get to it or on, wait the street you would usually get to it on is the racetrack found out after the fact the place is called i can't read this and was a great spot to eat drink while catching a short glimpse of cars at top speed just before the first chican i would definitely recommend seeking it out if possible but also i learned on my second trip there a few years later You should definitely make a reservation. Maybe it's not so hidden anymore because it was too crowded to get in, and they only speak French if you call for one. We stayed there late into the night that first time. Eventually, one of the restaurant employees gave us a ride back to our car on the other side of the track where we...

Oh, you'd like stayed there for the whole fucking race, huh? We got maybe a couple hours of sleep. Anyways, just had to tell you about that. That track is so crazy compared to anything you'll see in F1. It's definitely worth getting outside of the main area, whether you seek out that spot or somewhere else, just to get an idea of how massive the track is and see them doing 200 miles an hour down dark country roads with just their headlights to the track. Not sure if you'll actually get this message before. I missed all of that.

I was on the main straightaway and it just looked like a regular race track. Well, I'll be like you. The second time around, hopefully I'll get it right. God damn it, I didn't know there was all of that. rejection letters you know what was crazy was there was a fucking airport like really like parallel like right almost touching the main straightaway and i kept seeing these helicopters like taken off and shit you know i thought they would just follow in the race and all of a sudden i saw like a fucking leer jet flying right along where a helicopter had just been flying along i'm like there's no way that's fucking safe what is that all about Is that some rich guy just going, I don't give a fuck. I'm paying you.

Buzz the fucking racetrack. Weave around these fucking helicopters, you know? But it turned out there was a airport right there. Anyways, oh, here's this one. Here's this one. I should bring Leah in here for this one. Rejection letter, Psycho. Bill, wondering if you saw this.

This accomplished clarinet player was accepted to his dream school but never received the good news because his then girlfriend deleted it and sent him a fake rejection email. That turned out to be a $265,000 mistake on her part. Okay, let's see what the fuck happened. All right, this kid, his hard work paid off. The accomplished clarinet had been accepted to his dream school, but he never got to hear the good news.

That's because when his acceptance email arrived in 2014, his then-girlfriend deleted it and sent him a fake rejection email from the school. It was a $265,000 mistake. He said it was really devastating to feel that incredible betrayal. It made me think of our whole relationship and made me feel like everything might have been a lie. Anyway, where it began, a college sophomore, studying music at McGill University at the time. This kid had applied to a two-year full scholarship program to finish his bachelor's degree. at the Colburn Conservatory of Music in Los Angeles.

Itching to study with a renowned clarinet teacher, so-and-so spent many late nights in practice rooms to prepare for his auditions, which he thought went well. The full scholarship, which includes tuition, room and board is worth about 50 grand a year, and so-and-so said graduating from Colburn would have sent him up for high-paying symphony career. When he was rejected, the kid was crows.

It was disappointing feeling. He said, I had such high hopes. The kid would have studied with this person who was considered one of the best clarinet instructors in the world. He said, the school accepts only two students each year at Colburn, and he was one of them. How she covered her tracks. This Wednesday, a Canadian court ruled that this guy's ex-girlfriend owed him more than $265,000, $3,000, $350,000, for damages, including loss of

reputation, educational opportunity, and two years of potential income. Roughly $37,000. Can you fucking, can you believe like the level of, like, break into his, like, she'd have to be, knowing that he, that letter is coming. She'd have to be constantly scan. First of all, she knows his fucking, I guess, computer passwords. It's just scanning it, scanning it, finds it, sees it, he gets accepted. fucking deletes this guy's dream and then comes up with the whole phony thing.

I don't even, I wonder how the fuck they found out. But this is why this whole fucking, you know, this me too shit now where they're just saying straight across the board, believe women when there's women like that out there. Okay. There's a reason why that there's due process and you have to have evidence and you have to listen to both sides of the fucking story. Yet again, another person was accused this week. And without this person, the person being accused, without them ever responding, the stuff that people wrote on Twitter, I always knew this person was a piece of shit.

I love one person. It was the fucking most self-serving thing ever. If you're still following so-and-so, unfollow me. Right? Like, wow, man, you're really sticking up. for women. You're willing to lose like fucking Twitter followers. Way to make a fucking stand. Stop making it about yourself, you fucking jerk off. And I'm not saying anybody innocent, guilty, or whatever. The reality is then the guy then responds and says, no, look, we argued and

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she ended up being unfaithful to me. And I didn't want to be with somebody that one that was unfaithful to me. So then at that point, I just want to know, like, how does anybody make a judgment? Any sane, rational person, like you read her story, like, wow, man, that's really fucked up, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you read his thing. It's like, oh, well, then there's that side of it. So then what?

You just, now at that point, you've read two things online. Like, just imagine a court of, in a court of law, somebody's like entire future was on the line, And the plaintiff and the defendant, all they were going to do was write two paragraphs of, I don't know if you call it a blog or whatever. And then you were going to determine, you know, somebody's ability to continue their career or not. Is, am I, that's a little fucking nuts people. And this is what's driving me up the wall is I've been saying this that shows.

And, you know, the vibe is people fucking agree with that. But everybody's afraid to say it. So it's just, I know, it's just not a, uh, this, you know, this shit that guys have been doing women has to fucking stop. But I don't think the way to go about it is to just make blanket statements of believe women. Like, it's like all of them. Even the ones who key people's cars and fucking break laptops and destruction of property, all of that.

even the ones that fucking, you know, are out there saying that they love somebody just because the guy's got fucking all of them? I don't know. It's a little fucking, it's just such a fucking, I never, I can't. I'm, out of all is, I'm just really surprised at how fucking, just how afraid everybody is and how everybody just chooses self-preservation. And they'll sit there and they'll watch somebody twist in the wind, you know, because there's been, you know, there's been. the ones that are obviously like this guy's a fucking monster this guy should be in jail and then there's been some other ones like what and but everybody still shuts the fuck up while these lunatics on Twitter are like you know fucking burn them at the stake um i don't know i keep thinking that eventually

like it's it's going to like calm down a little bit where people are going to be like okay if that what that woman wrote is true this needs to happen why don't we all just hang on a second and listen to what the guy has to say. And then even then, all you've done is just, that's like you show up at a fucking car accident. And then both drivers are pointing at each other. And, you know, and you weren't there when it fucking happened? I don't know.

That's another thing, too, when you watch all of these, like, these videos and shit of, of, you know, injustice is happening. What I can't stand about those fucking videos is it always starts after, for the most part, after the injustice happened. And it's one person's point of view on it. And everybody just watches it and acts like they just saw a documentary or actually just watched the footage from beginning to end.

Or maybe it isn't. Maybe it's just a 30,000 fucking lunatics on social media. I have no idea. But I don't know. Like, Nia showed me one the other day. And I was just watching going like, all right, well, what she's bitching about, I, it isn't on this, the footage. It's just her yelling at the guy saying, why did you do that?

You didn't see him do what she's saying that he did. And he standing there defending himself saying, I didn't fucking do it. But it's her video. So her point of view becomes what happened. This is getting confusing to me, just trying to fucking explain it to you. Anyways, all right. 28-year-old virgin. Hey, Billy Bill Blaster.

love the podcast and you're raging sanity. I'm going to be honest. I don't think there's a solution to my problem. Oh, come on, man. But just hearing you talk about it might help me see it as a so bad it's funny kind of situation. I'm a 28-year-old virgin, and he writes, oh, Jesus. I'm ugly as shit. Oh, come on, man.

Except even shit has dung beetles that appreciate the aesthetic. All right. So you got a sense of humor. self-deprecating. I got big-ass ears that lie perpendicular to the side of my head, big triangle nose, balding island pattern, small, oh, island of hair in the forehead, with the rest of the hair in a horseshoe pattern. Very hairy all over, except my fucking head, pointy-ass man titties with pepperoni nipples, Jesus Christ. And best of all, my genitals alone, would send any woman sprinting towards the horizon.

Side from that, can't complain. Respectable job, good friends, great family, bit heavy, 5-9, 160 pounds. Dude, that's not heavy, but otherwise healthy. I try to stay upbeat, but as I get older, it really starts to weigh on me that I'm destined to live life as a solo player. Any advice would be appreciated.

Wish you and your family all the best. Yeah, dude, come on, man. You got to step up to the plate, all right? You're saying game over before you even play the game. All right? You have a great sense of humor. I think you're being way too hard on yourself. The fact that you say you're a bit heavy at $59-160, you know,

I think you're being, it means to me that you're probably, yeah, you're not heavy, which means you're probably not nearly as ugly as you're saying. Yeah, dude, I would get out there. I would get out there. There's dating apps. There's all kinds of shit you can do. I mean, you know, you got any friends, any guy friends? Just tell him, just say, dude, I'm a 28-year-old fucking virgin.

You got to help me out here. Maybe that's not the way to go because guys will fucking be, like, try to just find you some. you know, loose woman. That's not, I don't think that's the way you want to go. But I, yeah, I would just, you got to, you got to get up to the plate, dude. You got to get up to the plate. And you have to stop looking at yourself the way you're looking at yourself. You got to keep that great sense of humor, but, you know, you're not ugly as shit.

Okay, dude, look at me. Okay, I'm a fucking 50-year-old bald, red-headed male, and I think I look great. It's all how you look at yourself. Okay, but if you think you look good, you feel good about yourself. It's a nice vibe to fucking have, and you'll attract people, all right? And just use your sense. I've been number one thing you got going for yourself is the aside from fact, you still have your whole life ahead of you.

You're only 28 years old. You've got a great sense of humor. Women love to laugh. Huh? How do you think I landed near? I made a fucking laugh. Sure as hell wasn't because of my fucking looks. I don't know what it was.

Who the fuck knows? But if she knew 15 years later, she'd be going to the 24 hours of Lamont, I don't think she would have gone. You landed me because I knew about your earning potential. That's it. What? Oh, my God.

I'm just kidding. Hey, I'm just kidding. I loved you long before any of this. Any of what? I was making money when you met me. No, you were not. Yes, I was. I was on the rich bitch tour.

Right, but like you weren't rich, I was doing great. You were? Yeah. I never, I never told you. You never told me, I didn't ask, I didn't care. Like, it just. Oh, wow.

This is amazing. You just came in here and became a hero. Hey, can you help this guy out? He's a 28-year-old virgin. He said he's a 28-year-old version. That's fine. He goes, I'm ugly as shit. Oh, stop.

Except even shit has dung beetles that appreciate the aesthetic. Oh, sweetie. But you see, what you do? But he's got a great sense of humor. He goes, I got big ass ears that lie perpendicular to the side of my head. So does Will Smith. Big triangle nose. Yeah, what about Adrian Brody?

You like him? Oh, yeah. There you go. He's got a big ass Roman nose, and I like it. Balding island pattern, you know, you've got the circle here with the horseshoe. Shave it all off. Shaved. He's in.

Very hairy all over, except my fucking head. He goes, pointy-ass man tittys with pepperoni nipples. This sounds like Jim Norton, Roe. this. And best of all, he goes, my genitals alone would send any woman sprinting towards the horizon. Oh, got a little one. Wow. All right. So what does he do? Got a little one. Listen, I know they say, listen, I know they say that the man makes the clothes. The clothes

don't make the man. But I feel like, you know, maybe you didn't need to shave that head, bald, like the way Bill has it. So, you know, there's no, like, trace any time that horseshoe starts to come back. You just slap some shaving cream on it and go to town on that bad boy. Yeah, then people think you know like MMA or some shit. Wax your back because that shit's nasty. Just wax it. Just boom.

Just deal with it. You'll be fine. He's already 60% better looking right there. Yeah. Go, you know, go to the gym. You'll feel, never mind. Dude, he's 5-9-160. He said, he says, I'm a bit heavy.

5-9-160 doesn't sound big to me. That sounds... Maybe you're doughy. Maybe you're... Fleshy. Fleshy. Maybe you're skinny fat. Like, you know, you don't have any tone in your body. Yeah.

Yeah. Not my tempo. So here's what he does. He shaves his head. He shaves his head. He gets shredded. No, for the women. Shave your head, get shredded.

He doesn't feel better about himself. Just even go into the gym. You'll make himself feel better. I mean, I don't know what to do about your dick size. I mean, I hope you're... your eat-out game is strong because... So what if he had like a 12-pack abs? You get with the guy, 12-pack abs.

12-pack? 8-pack? Whatever. 8-pack abs. None of that is necessary. You don't need to have... No, wait. Let me finish with the scenario.

Eight-pack abs that you kissed down that leads to his little fella down there. Yeah. Are you... You'd be less disappointed if you had the little fucking xylophone above it where you go... I mean, it would certainly help. Maybe you should also, like, cut down your pub so your dick looks bigger. But he doesn't need...

His dick isn't small. If he fucking thinks he's fat, I bet his dick is fine. He says it's small, so... Listen, some guys aren't blessed. And that's fine. That's why I'm saying your eat-out game better be strong. Your eat-out game, your fingering game, all that stuff. Ass-eating, whatever.

Just get it down. I don't know what... I don't even know who you are right now. Now, I'm telling me he needs to get a 12-pack. That's too intimidating. Just go to the gym. Like, not everybody has to have washboard abs. I've just, you just fucking told this guy that, you know, all of these fucking skills,

like when you first get laid, all you know, dig it dig, fucking stick it in. And now you're doing all these fucking, you know, next level moves. Those are all next level moves, right? Oh, and I wouldn't say fingering up. Yeah. That's a pre. That's the prequel. That's like the third Star Wars, right?

Listen, as long as he knows where the clit is, he'll be fine. Right? Yeah, and I would think with videos and shit and everything on the internet, I think it'll be fine. But don't use porn as a guy. I just feel like porn fucks guys up because, like you're... I'm not saying to use porn, so should he go to... www. Dot Klinstein's clitfinder, the wholesome clitfinder?

No, this is when you save your money and you get a nice... professional woman who can, like, help you with all of that. That's not the ideal way to lose your virginity, but, you know. Oh, you're saying you get a hooker? An escort. What seems to you know, hooker and an escort? I don't know, really, but escort sounds nice. A chance of STD?

Well, I mean, you know, the escorts have, like, websites and stuff. And hookers, hookers are just... You can pay them on Venmo. It's not like cash. I mean, I think cash is preferred. I mean, listen. And hookers are outside, like those people when they're trying to get you to go into the place to get your taxes done out there flipping the signs around. Right, exactly.

Okay. Not that I have a problem with street hookers either. Listen, do I do what you got to do? But he just needs a little guidance and a little self-esteem. I don't know. I feel like this is weird because it's like I'm promoting prostitution. Yeah, I think what I said was a little more positive. I said going on dating sites and stuff like that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And use your sense of humor. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Forget the escorts. Did I say escorts? I'm sorry. No, because I, you know, feel like sex workers are fine and whatever. Yeah, but what's this question? He wants to get laid.

Oh. He doesn't want to go through life alone. Of course. None of us do. Right suggestions. Like what more, what more, you know. Nothing. Nothing.

You want to do the last one here? You're on a roll here. Sure. You're just fucking killing it. And there's a level of coldness to you today. It's really funny. We talked about that last night. Oh, yeah.

What are you over? You over the podcast or something? No, just my coldness is just like, you know, what I have to do to survive in life. It's a cold world, baby. All right. Mr. Friends' mom is a psycho. Mr. Friends? This sounds like a TV show.

Mr. Friends' mom is a psycho. Dear Bill, I have a friend who's been getting grounded a lot recently. for the dumbest shit. Does he mean my friend's mom? Not Mr. Friends Mom? Probably, but I like Mr. Friends Mom better. All my friends have known for a while that his mom was a psycho, but now it's getting way worse.

First, he got grounded for a month. How old is this person? Yeah, I was going to say. Wasn't allowed to leave the house outside of school at all because he got a 70 on one test. His grades are good, not great, but better than 70% of the kids at my school. Now, just this past week he got grounded for the entire summer for using his laptop to text

when he wasn't supposed to be able to communicate with anybody outside the house when he's not in school. He's 16 years old, by the way. Is there anything I could do, could or should do to help him, or should I just leave it alone? You got to leave it alone. Yeah, you're not the parent. Just be his friend and just commiserate with him.

How? He's grounded for the whole summer. Damn. He can't leave the house or like anything like that? No. I know what I would do, but I'm not giving a minor advice. Yeah, exactly. That's probably... Yeah, I'm going to stay away from this one. Moving on. Moving on. By the way, 70% is not acceptable.

He said his grades are good. They're not great. He's kind of agreeing with you. Yeah. He's just saying that's not justification. One text message. You can't go out the whole summer. What does he know about parenting or any of that? stuff. You're too young. Do you think, so you think that's a fair thing? If someone got a 70 on a test to ground them? No, I don't communicate with your friends outside of school and then he sent one text

message or whatever and now he can't go out for the whole summer. That's definitely extreme. I don't think that I would parent like that, but that's not my kid and I don't know what else he's doing. I also don't know if it was just one text. He sent one text. Yeah, what was the text about? No, we're leaving, we're leaving that alone. Okay. We're skipping. Pass.

What does it say here? How much time have I done? One minute in 26, 27. Okay, that's one hour. One hour and 27. You think we've done a minute? We did a minute on this podcast, Neh? Yeah, you can wrap it up.

Okay. What, a minute? Yeah, you said, how much time have I done? You said one minute. Oh, I meant one hour. One hour. Okay, cool. All right.

You did, right? You can wrap it up. Yeah, that's the podcast. Yeah, I've had such a wonderful time here with you. Me too. This is always. This is always been. This is our place.

That's right. That's right. And we got to bring the baby. Like, how special is that? I told you, I was in the kitchen. I was, like, cleaning up, and I was looking over at her playing in the living room. And I was like, no, I was making her dinner. I was like, I'm making dinner for my little baby girl and parent.

Like, it's just, it's so special. So. How cool it when she says a Frenchword. Oh, my God. I'm so sweet. Say we. And she goes, we. Wee.

I'm imitator when she says, say thanks. Thanks. Yeah. She nods her head. She asks for food. You go, what are you saying? She goes, Pree.

And then you give it to you. Now you're saying. She goes, thanks. She nods her whole head like a bad commercial for the 1950s. It's a cutest thing ever. Anyways. That's it.

Thank you for bringing us here, Beebe. Merci beaucoup. Happy for this day. Merci Bucéry. Ovoa. Oh, wow. It's bon.

We had a great time. And that's it. And thank you. Once again, the Tom Rhodes for letting me know about that patisserie. Delicious.

Oh, you just had the, the pistachio macarone. Uh-huh. You got to have those sandwiches. I got the fucking gendarbonne of that promage. Oh, that one's mine.

I'm claiming that one. Well, no, I gave you a half of each and you know, and I got a salmon one. Oh, okay, cool. They're like, punch the wall.

Good. Fucking incredible. All right, that's the podcast. Oh, I got to say it in French. I got to say, I can't forget how to say go fuck yourself. I can't forget how to say go fuck yourself, my brother. Vartou fare on Kulet. I'll check it on you on Thursday.

Fuck, do I shut it up.