Monday Morning Podcast - Island Politics, Meaning of Life, Gibberish | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 2-12-26

Episode Date: February 12, 2026

Bill rambles about island level politics, the meaning of life, and gibberish. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(33:18) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 2-12-18 -  Bill rambles with comedian Kevin Shea. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Dave Matthews Band - Lie in Our Graves (Portugal 5-25-07) Momentous:  Right now, Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with promo code BURR at  http://www.livemomentous.com and use promo code BURR for up to 35% off your first order

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Listen to me, I sound like I'm in a bathroom. And that just sounded like a fart getting out of the leather chair there. Let me see if this room works. Oh, this room's much better.

I think this room is better. Knocking this thing out. I got a bunch of work to do. Listen to me. Just picking stuff up, moving it around. All right, here we go. It's Thursday, dude, it's fucking one more day until the weekend. You know?

Do you know why you only get two days off a week? Because it takes at least three days to come up with the perfect plan to murder your boss. And that's like right on Sunday. Right, it's Sunday night, right as it's all coming together, you just wake up and you got to go again. you know and then Monday through Friday what does the boss do divides and conquers one of you gets promoted the others get left behind you like wait I thought we were going to kill this guy together and the other dude's like hey you know what I'm saying that's my favorite reference that's from that boys to men's song when they come up to I don't know if it was bell I don't know if it was

Biv or if it was DeVo but they went up to one of those characters and they said hey man you know we could sing and blah blah and the guy's like You know what I'm saying? It'd be five feet. Somebody's saying that. And then they went, do doom, do do da da, do do da da da da da da die. What?

Yeah, yeah. And then that was it. It was over. They were so good. They didn't even have to sing words. And Bell Biv or DeVau was like, you know what? I can fucking, I can do something with that. And that right there is the story of why you get two days off a week.

Unless you're working on Broadway. Broadway, you don't. What you get is you get a day and a half off. They do a Sunday matinee, and then you don't have to be back to work again until Tuesday night. So then they're like, so that's kind of like two days. It's like, yeah, but I have to work Sunday in the afternoon right in the middle of the day. Then I have Sunday night off.

I have all of Monday off. And then Tuesday, I got this show hanging over my fucking head. so I really don't know what you're talking about here. Doom, doom, do, right. Anyway, by the way, when I was watching the Super Bowl, I was not aware that simultaneously there was a white supremac optional halftime show. You know, just when I think my people, Caucasians, we have hit the low point. Do you know some woman on the right?

You know what she called? She called the Super Bowl halftime. She called it 15 minutes of gibberish. It's got to be the most ignorant thing I think I've ever. Who just dismisses a whole language? An entire race of people just, ah, it's gibberish. Because what? You don't understand it?

I've always been amazed. And I was guilty of this when I was a kid. I grew up in Massachusetts. What did you think I got the right information? It was in Massachusetts. All the words were flying around, and we all said them, we told all the jokes. But then what happens is you travel and then you go, oh, now I get it. We're the idiots.

I used to think that, you know, speak English, you know. And the person could actually communicate with me in English and could speak an entirely different language. But that was lost on me because I was in the bubble of what the English set up over here was that if that English was the English was the English. only language that mattered and everything else was subservient. It's the basic, you know, it's the core beliefs of white supremacy. But if you watched and you compared the performances on both of those things, both of those performances, I mean, I don't know what the spread was. I'm not saying white people didn't cover.

I don't know what we, what sort of spread we got on that. But, you know, I don't know. You would have thought, I don't know. I don't know. 15 minutes of gibberish. Yeah, I mean, you just didn't see, hear a beautiful language, beautiful people, you didn't see all that. Oh, and how funny is it to hear a politician going like, what does this say about the children? Like, politicians care about the children.

You know, where do you start with that? Food supply, pharmaceuticals, false flag wars, Epstein Island. I mean, it doesn't seem like you're considering anybody with the decision you're making as long as you get your house on. moth his vineyard or nantucket. You know, these politicians, I don't know, blue or red, they love an island. I just want to get to the level in politics where I get to go to an island. That's got to be exciting for them. That's like me, like the first time I got to, like, work at, like, an improv for, like, a politician is the first time they're going to some secret meeting on an island.

You know, and they're flying private. and the dick's starting to fill up. They don't know what's happening, but they know it's some level of power they've never experienced. And it's literally, it makes them aroused, you know? Just sitting there wearing a suit and tie. Legs crossed on a private jet.

Fucking moving your foot counterclockwise, looking down at your wingtips, I have arrived. Anyway, you know, I finally got caught up watching the, congratulations to the Seattle Seahawks once again. And also thank you to the Seattle Seahawks for that thorough ass kicking. I appreciate, I really appreciate a beat down. It's the last second ones that crush you as a fan.

But you're getting your butt kick the whole goddamn game. They kind of ripped the Band-Aid off. It was really after halftime when we came out. It's just like, okay, and more of the same. I'm going to go out and limb to say this is not a lot. day. Anyway, but also, thank you to the Patriots for an amazing season. And everything's looking rosy in the future. So we shall see. What I do like is no one's going to be picking, you know, away from our, well, maybe they will be. But usually if you win a Super Bowl, then what happens

is somebody signs somewhere else. They take one of your coaches. All of a sudden, the assistant backup punter, you know, gets a head coaching job at like fucking Boise State Community College and the whole thing starts falling apart. Anyway, plowing ahead, I got a chance to finally watch the end of that stadium classic, the Bruins versus the Lightning, and then I watched the Bruins versus the Panthers. And dude, I hope that was our bottoming out as far as taking penalties because we had both of those games won. Well, we came from behind against the Panthers and ended up losing it in the shootout.

So we did get like a point. But the Panthers had four losses in a row. Okay, they're reeling. And, you know, they've been having a problem holding a lead. I think they went up two to nothing. And then we came back. Next thing, you know, we're up four to two. And then we just start taking penalties.

And penalties and penalties. It's like we're addicted to being a man down. And you would think that our power play kill would be better than it was considering how much experience we have being down a man or two men. I still love the Bruins. This is a little bit of tough love like Jesus Christ. That second period of the stadium classic, that last five minutes was the biggest bonehead hockey I've seen in a long time as far as where we were last year.

Yeah, that was our low point. You know, I don't know what it was. We were up five to one and lost six to five. And it felt like we took 18. penalties in a row in the end of the second period. So anyway, having said that, there is a lot to like about this team, but like come playoff time, you know, if we don't, I'm kind of looking at like the Patriots, the way we were turning the ball over in the beginning of the season. And then we stopped doing that until we got to the playoffs.

Somehow we did it the first two games and got away with it. Yeah, that's something we obviously need to fucking work on. Oh, Billy's got fucking tennis elbow. I've had it for a while now. I don't know how to get rid of it. It's fucking annoying. You've got to get some massage or whatever. Some masseuse to work on my fucking elbow.

I don't know what it was from. I don't know. It's annoying the shit out of me because it's the arm I use when I'm holding the microphone. So I'll go out and I'll do a 15-minute set. You know, I lean on the mic stands. I guess I lean with my left, and I hold it. the mic with my right hand, and then I come off stage, and I go to straighten my arm out, and boy, boy, howdy, I'll tell you, it smarts a little bit.

Anyway, I don't know, I got to figure that out. I've got to get somebody to work on it specifically. Anyway, can I say anyway, any more times? So my daughter's been doing multiplication tables in the third grade, so we've been working through them. I made like flashcards and all of that, and we got up to the nines. We're up to nine. Well, she has to know all through 10, but 10's easy.

And it reminded me that schoolhouse rock. Remember that? Number 9 will put you on the spot. Number 9 will tie you up in a knot. Do I sound like the white halftime show? When you try and multiplying by 9, you can give it everything you got and still be something. If you don't know some secret where you be. can check on. There's a bunch of people over 50 right now singing along with, you'll break your neck on

naughty number nine. Um, anyway, yeah, so we were, we were going through that. I don't know. It's really amazing, like how nines work out. You know, it's like a countdown. Nine times one, nine. Nine times two, one, eight. Nine times three, two, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. and then it starts over again, 11 times 9, 99, 108, 117. Just how perfectly that works out. I feel like that's like when nerds think there's no God, then all of a sudden they see that. There's something about the number three that makes an egghead be like,

you know what, there might be something beyond this. But I did see this lady who was just talking about how the Bible she was claiming was just completely made up. The story of Jesus was made up and was stolen from the Far East. and blah, blah, blah, blah, and all of that, and that when you die, like, that's it. And then you're just dead. And I'm like, all right.

I will say that a red flag, one of the red flags for me is anybody who thinks they know one way or another, one way or another, what happens to you when you, die. I have no idea. I just have my own beliefs. I don't think that there's anything watching me. I don't think that there's anything that is mad at me. I just think this is what it is. I think you come down here and you get the full experience. There's joy, there's heartbreak, there's, you know, unconditional love and there's pure evil. It's just everything is there. And there's

There's suffering and there's privilege and this just, it just is what it is. And I think if something made it, he set it up and he just moved on. And each one of these earths is a different canvas. And they're just like, maybe I'll create this here. I will create that there. Because the universe is still expanding, which means the dude who made us, if you believe that, is still creating. So we're like way in the fucking rearview mirror.

He made us, you know, in his life like a decade ago. I will say this, though, as far as a punishment afterlife, if that is true, I don't see anybody in a position of power in these churches at the upper level of these religions, even remotely behaving like they're worried about being punished after this life. because every religion has just like so many bodies, so many bodies, their body count. In defending, spreading, protecting their beliefs is just insane. And then there's the rest of us. Everyone from people that run religions to people calling halftime shows gibberish, and then the people that listened to it and actually believe it.

And then I just feel like there's the other 85% of the population that's just in the middle, sort of moderate one way or the other being like, when are you guys going to fucking chill out? Stop starting fights. All this mean girl shit. So anyway, we were working on the multiplication tables. And I just made like the old school just flashcards.

And I remember I got my ass kicked in the third grade. And then one day, you know, my parents got me flashcards. And I just started doing them like when I was looking at football cards. And it was super frustrating. And then just one day I had it. And I never forgot him. And my daughter's like getting to that point. It's literally like teaching them how to ride a bike.

And it's a really exciting thing as a parent to teach your kids like multiplication and division. Because out of everything you learn in school, I would say, other than reading is multiplication and division is something you do every single day. So it's actually, yeah, Bill, we get it. We live in the world. All right, I'm just saying. All right. Listen, I'm just a guy wearing a fucking pink sweater right now trying to show that I've changed.

Dude, my anger is fucking coming back. It's coming back. I got to go do some more breath work. It's not fully coming back, but I have this really weird sort of thing where it isn't, but it is, but I'm able to kind of switch back to my new self. I just have to use those stupid, silly words. I just have to remember to be like, boy, oh boy, I'm really getting frustrated. I'll tell you, that's enough to make a fella steamed up. What was it today? Well, yet another thing got messed up on my house, and I was getting that

fixed, the never-ending parade of repairs. When you buy a house that has a lot of character, and what I have to keep telling the person that fixes the house, it's like when you come over and you fix whatever you fix, all the materials that are left over that you're overcharged me for, get them out of here. They always just leaving all of this shit. This is like this attracts rats, mice, rodents, varmits. It's clutter.

It's unsightly. Get it out of here. What amazes me is whenever you have, have some work to be done. Oh, do they run right over. They're there in 20 minutes. They finish the job, and then there's like a punch list, and that doesn't happen until five months fucking later. It's just, I tell you, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I'm definitely frustrated. I like flabbergasted.

That's a fun world to be in or to be beside yourself. It's just not respected if you told somebody that, you know, that I am literally beside myself right now. And then all they think is like, all right, well, as long as you're not angry.

Nobody's ever gotten an ass kicking because they made somebody feel beside themselves. I do remember one time watching when P. Diddy, he had a show and he made those kids walk to Brooklyn to get him some cheesecake. And everybody thought that that was funny. Looking back, that was probably him showing, hey, you know, I'm kind of a toxic guy. But he was talking to some up-and-coming singer. And he said to her, don't get beside yourself. and what I liked was he projected his being beside himself to telling her to not get beside herself.

And I actually feel like the way he used it, don't get beside yourself, is visually, you know, brings the point home, don't get beside yourself. Like, I don't know what his definition of the word is. Like, he's, you know, I'm sure he has, like, different definitions for a lot of words. As most people that come from, you know, that sort of toxic upbringing, they have like, what it is is when you have somebody that fucked up in your life, when you go to figure them out, it's like they're speaking English the same way you are, but you have to understand what their definition of, like, they don't abide by the agreed approach. upon Oxford Dictionary definition of certain words.

So in order to understand them, it's like you have to relearn their version of English. That's if you can't get them out of your life. But if you can get them out of your life, you just sort of send them down the way. But anyway, that's what he said. He said, don't get beside yourself. And whenever somebody sent him beside myself,

I always just took that as, you know, They were upset, but when Diddy said, don't get beside herself, I literally saw, I visually saw this woman sitting next to herself, which is crazy, which is kind of what he was saying. You're talking gibberish. How many languages do you speak? One, the only one that matters. Do you speak any other languages? What do you mean? All that gibberish around the world?

Jibberish. Fucking that is like. That is one of the dumbest things I think anybody's ever said. Anyway, oh, man, yeah, I don't know how you get talked into that one. Do you want to do the alternative? Then just as a performer, you paint yourself into that corner. I just feel like if you're an artist, you want to perform to everybody, don't you? It's just a strange, I swear to God, it's got to be.

the CIA. Like, they have, like, destabilized, even the halftime show at the fucking the Super Bowl. And I think Trump, I'm starting to think, is a CIA Mancharian candidate. He just goes, I mean, his ability to just divide people and create anger and violence and all of that is just, it's really unprecedented. He, I mean, if, if he ever took over the WWE, it would It would be incredible. The Olympic hockey, I believe, started today. I'm at work. I think the Czech Republic, Chechnya, whatever they're calling themselves.

They're playing today. So I'm going to watch them, USA and Canada. And I like Chechnya because David Parsonachshk is on that team. I like USA, you know, because that's where I live. And then Canada always has like the best team and they take it so fucking seriously. And I'm still, whatever that last fucking tournament that we played them in where we beat them, we played them twice. We beat them and then we lost to them.

And then somehow Canada was considered a better team than we were. It was so stupid. We beat them to move to the championship game and then Canada get to play like the third or fourth seed, beat them and then play us again. Again, like you weren't beaten Team USA or Canada twice. You just weren't. So we both went one and one. But it was like college football back in the day before they had a playoff.

It wasn't how many losses. It was when you lost. So then Canada's chanting, we're number one instead of we're one and one, which is what they should have been chanting. But like, what else are they going to do? You know, what else are they going to do up there? That's their fucking sports. So it would be great. I figure they have to be the favorite.

So I'm sort of rooting for anybody, you know, not in a bad way. I like Canada, you know, those knuckleheads up there. You know, there are simple people. No, I'm kidding. Anyway, they do have a higher opinion of themselves when they compare themselves to the United States, which, you know, all right, you got us. We're in a bad place right now. But, you know, we're going to make a comeback.

I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying right now. Let's do a little, let's do a little fucking reeds here. All right, all right, all right. Anyway, everybody, relax. Everybody, take it easy. All right, momentous, everybody. You know, by this point in the year, routines are real, not aspirational.

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here. In conclusion, I'm going to watch some Olympic hockey. I watched a little bit of that downhill skiing stuff and that that 41-year-old woman blows out her ACL still goes down the mountain. And I don't know what happened. All of a sudden, she just went and now probably she was going 80 miles an hour with one less ACL than she needed. No, then she won less. than needed is how we should say it. And she broke both tibulus. Oh, my God. I mean, my wife brought up the highlight.

It's like I looked away, you know? Ever since Joe Thysbid, Monday Night Football Against the Giants, I just look away. I don't want to see that. I don't want to see somebody's dream end like that. But whatever her name was, shout out to her. You know, I always love. I mean, she was like the Philip Rivers of downhill skiers.

You know what I mean? It makes old people feel good about themselves. So God bless her. And it's still in a major, major accomplishment. Somebody else sent me one where somebody was just going 70 miles an hour and hit one of those gates with basically their dick. And I got to say, they're always talking about in hockey, people that go out and block shots and how much guts it takes. And when it hits you in the foot, how much it hurts.

You know, and they always talk about women, you know, giving birth and all of that. I would love to know on the trajectory. You got giving birth. I mean, that just, that has to be number one. Pushing a baby out of an orifice. That's got to be number one. And then I would say, you know, Al McGinnis slap shot off your foot or going 90 miles an hour and dick first hit a plastic tube with your dick. I mean, yeah.

And to just, I mean, there's no way half his helmet wasn't fucking purple. Can you imagine that, Bruce? then you got to take out your fucking dick, you know, downstairs, whatever you get downstairs, the bottom of the mountain, downstairs. You get down to the thing and then there's some fucking guy down there with his rubber gloves on, going, yeah, yeah, it's kind of from the pee hole to the right of your, to the right. So I would just make sure that you junk, and I would tape it to the right side of your leg. Hey, asshole, have you considered wearing a cup?

What kind of an ad? Why wouldn't you wear a cup? I don't understand it. Well, you're going down, you're basically a hood ornament. Indiana Jones. Even then, he wasn't going 90 miles an hour. Can you imagine the road rash? Typical Hollywood, you know?

Hollywood magic. Guys dragging behind a fucking F-250, hanging onto a bullwhip, wearing a leather vest. and I'm supposed to believe that this guy doesn't get any sort of fucking road rash, comes back. With his fucking arms, his forearm should look like roast beef at that point. And he beats the shit out of this German guy driving the truck. I haven't seen it in a long time. But anyway, shout out to all the Olympic athletes hitting their dicks on fucking plastic poles,

flying through the air, missing an ACL, an unconnected ACL. You got a bad connection, blowing out your fucking legs. you know the luge I mean you might as well just be sledding down on a fucking coal shovel I mean the Olympics in the wintertime it takes a lot of balls

you know even though they're probably pulled up into your body because of how cold it is I was just over there in Milan you guys got to go over to that place that the lovely Nia took Nia always hooks me up by the way that sandwich that I was mentioning

was it was sent over to me care of Nia's request, those sliders that I got up at, the prime rib sliders that I got up in Berkeley, California. The reason why they were sent over the tables because my lovely wife thought about me going there and looked out for me, okay? That right there. You know what that is?

That's called love. All right. Now, with that, we're going to end the podcast on something love. That's how I needed to end it. You know, when you're talking about people breaking both legs or fucking, you know, having a hematoma on the right side of the helmet on their dick,

I mean, I think there's only one way to go. All right? Okay, everybody, that's it. Have a good weekend. Do the right thing. Going to an island is overrated. That's one of the truths in life. If you're flying private with a bunch of other white men in suits

and you're going to an island, Island, nothing good for humanity is about to happen. All right, that's it. Enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Demmelis. And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend. You're Cards.

All right. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday, September. No, February 12th. There's a fucking comedian. I don't even know where the fuck I am. February 12th, 2018. What's going on?

are you. Um, usually, usually I do these by myself. Usually I'm just sitting alone, but it's like, you know what? Fuck this. My buddy called me up. He's got a podcast he wants to promote. And he's a fucking Eagles fan. So I figured, why not? I got to go on. Because for some reason, people think I actually fucking hate Philly just because I got booed there. Because of that video. Yeah. And it's just like, no, I got booed in Philly. If you got booed in Texas, what do you do? You make fun of fucking pickup trucks, chicks with too much makeup. All of it. You just make fun of Texas in general.

I think everyone just goes to Texas. My goal to stay is Kentucky. I like Tech. Well, it's Kevin Shea, everybody. Oh, hey. From the Kevin Shea podcast. It's the All I'm Saying podcast. All I'm saying.

That's easy, right, to remember? Do you know every host fucks it up? And it also kind of gets you off the hook of whatever you just said. Exactly. All I'm saying is. There's too many people. I didn't mean the specific. pick out that group like they needed to go, but there's too many fucking people.

Every host fucks it up, though. It's kind of funny because they go, what's your intro? I go, all I'm saying in the podcast. All I'm saying. All I'm saying. I says, you can write it down. Easy. They ask two more times before they go on stage, and they go, all I'm talking about, what you're doing?

How's it going? No, you didn't. They're getting all sassy. Yes, and we always bet. And all I'm saying isn't really, that's pretty. mainstream vernacular. You know, I didn't, I thought it was, I, fucking getting a title's hard. Like, you have the best title ever.

Do you? Yeah, it's simple. It's so simple. That's why I did it. Is that why you did it? Remember when it would come out. That's funny. And then people go, well, you should do one every day of the week.

It's like, well, then it's not the Monday morning. You got the Thursday. I do the Thursday, but Thursday just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I love when people just, they go fucking all out. Yeah. Like you show up at the, some of these, some of these comics. studios, you feel like you're doing Howard Stern. You know what?

You want to be like, dude, you could really keep your overhead way. Look, I'm not talking about guys like Rogan. Like, Rogan will have like, you know, fucking super, super famous people. Yeah. I'm just talking just like. Oh, it doesn't marry. It's a jerk off like me and I'm having you over. The only reason why you're not in my house right now is because my daughter's sleeping.

Yeah, I figured that. I figured because your daughter's sleeping. Yeah. And then I didn't know you moved. Like when you texted me the dress to the studio. I know, but when you text me the dress to the studio. I didn't even me. Oh, you mean this, this studio?

No, you, you, when you texted me, I was like, why would he move to Burbank? I was like, Bill, I was like, you're doing well. You got more bang for, get more bang for my buck out here. I was just like, why would you move to Burbank? I like the valley. I like the valley. You know, you're getting better conversations out here. You know what I mean?

You meet some guy who did something on MASH way back in the day, a bunch of Trump supporters, you know? The Hillary stuff gets old, man, in Hollywood. It's like, I get it. I get it. You know what I mean? I want to hear it. I want to hear somebody actually think something good's going on. I love it.

I'm fucking, he's making it better every day. My burrito takes better. That's it. Taco tastes better. I don't, I don't really talk to a lot of people. You know that about me. Well, then why did you come down here?

Well, for you, it's different. Just because your team just won the Super Bowl, the E-A-G-L-E-S. By the way, I... I'm a fucking huge Eagles fan, but I hate that fucking song. The fight song, Fly Eagles. How does it go? I don't know Fly. Oh, it has to be old, right?

It's not. It's fucking not. I did a whole research. I thought it was from like 1920 or 1850. Yeah, because it's not. Fly Eagles fly. When I see that, sounds like it was written the same week of, for he's a jolly good fellow. Back when that wasn't corny to say. It's weird because it's supposed to sound, oh, it's got the boom, boom, boom, like the drums up front and it goes hit him high, hit him low. So I looked it up. Razumataz, Taz, 23, sked-do. It's like from 1985 or something like. I mean, that is like 30 years ago, 32 years ago. Oh, fuck.

I guess you're right. Put it this way. If you were in 1985 right now and that song was 32 years old, it would have been written in 1953. Yeah. Oh, shit. But I got to be honest. Hit him high, hit him low is very like still like that sounds like it's written in the 40s. It sounds very college.

No, not even college, like high school. I would say college. You would say college? Don't be too hard. No, no. I love the song. I love, here's the thing. It's one of those songs where I love it, but.

I acknowledge is corny. Oh, okay. Do you mean? It's cheesy, but I love it. Is it fly, eagles fly. Up up to the sky. Is it like a disco remake? I'm like getting uncomfortable.

You're singing at me. Dude, I'll fucking sing this whole podcast. Do you know, uh, the pod? But he's a jolly good fellow. The Eagles won the fucking Super Bowl. Do you remember when, uh, we were going to Brea? This is like years ago. I block all of those gigs out.

I fucking hate those drives. We hate those fucking jars. No, I'm, I, I swear to God, dude, I almost, like, was ready to fucking just leave L.A. yesterday. No way. I did. I did this past summer. It was, like, fucking Saturday.

It was a Saturday afternoon. And I was, like, in rush hour traffic. And you want to get mad, but you're going to be like, well, I'm also out here. And they're all, there's just fucking, nobody is fucking talking about doing something about this population problem. And I'll tell you one thing we have to get a problem of is touching the desk and hitting this. This is going to be annoying in this. have a new podcast studio here. Oh, shit. Did you, am I, are we doing that? No, I just, I've been hearing it. Oh, sorry. We're going to have to put some sort of padding here. I don't know what. But anyways,

I like nature, right? I enjoy, like, watching animals and that type of shit. But I always have my, my, I never take the remote out of my hand when I watch a nature show. Because right when they start talking about what's going on with them and how they're all going to die off because of us, I shut it off. Well, my daughter always, you know, takes the remote. And it's amazing. My fucking remote, I can literally be pointing at the TV like, change, change, change, what the fuck? I won't do anything. My daughter picks it up and is like walking away with it and will somehow turn on the fucking DVD player. I still have one of those.

Is it digital? Is the remote? Is the remote all digital with like no physical? I have direct TV and I love direct TV, but their remote sucks. You look at it. You have to fucking reboot the thing. It's like it's like it was in an abusive relationship and it's over sensitive. I feel like it was recycled.

Like some racist had it before me. It was constantly throwing it at the TV. It's funny. And then they just like, you know, like all our old phones that you watched a bunch of porn on. Oh, God. And now over there in like Thailand or the Philippines. Do you know, I, did you have a, I have a laptop that I use just for porn? Oh.

Yeah. I just, I just saw that in there. I'm very specific. What is it, jizz proof or something? No, it's just, it's just the hard drive so old. Is it made out of latex? It's just so old and shot So I don't give a fuck if it gets diseases

I mean I'm like I fuck it I don't care It stays separate But it's old, it's big You know what that reminds me You ever see these people that get like foster kids And they feed their real kids And they just take the checks for the foster kids And they get to look like he's fucking eight years old

And really bony and you'll be like how old And he's like 26 I didn't know that was a thing It is a thing Feed him like fucking paste and shit But here's what was confusing When I was younger I'm adopted.

I never... It doesn't surprise me. You're irritated. I don't know the difference. I didn't know the difference between foster and adopted. So you thought there was like, foster a kid means you just take them for a little while, right? Yeah, but they were always like abused and I was never abused. And I couldn't rack my brain as a kid.

I called my parents' mom and dad. but then my friends down the street who were a family but they were divorced with kids called them by their fucking names. Well, it's right there. That's why they got a divorce. They were never committed.

They weren't committed to each other. They weren't committed to having the kids. But it's weird like when they would call their mom by their first name. Well, my daughter learns how to speak. I'm going to be like, this is Mr. Shea. She's not going to call you Kevin. I don't like that.

I don't like it either. I fucking can't stand when people do like my buddies will talk to their other parents and they say, hey John or Paul it's weird it would help if we kind of dress like adults though what are you talking about I mean you got a hat I cool my hair you got a hat I mean you're an adult there you go it's not you don't have a no you know what it was no but back in the day like you know people just to fucking like if you want I was I tape recorded all like

they had all the NFL films uh Super Bowls in a row on NFL films and I taped all 51 of them and I'm just working my way through them I love them I can't get in. They're awesome. They're awesome. So I was watching them. And first of all, like the first, like 11 Super Bowls were played in like the afternoon. I know.

They played like Rice Stadium or Tulane. You know what I mean? And there was just like like a like a fucking college band. Like what if I'm like the Michigan marching band? That's so funny. Went out there and played. Did it? Did it?

I thought you was scat and horn. Did it? Did it? Did it? I thought you would start doing a band or something. Did it? Like now I'm out. I'm in my fucking head.

Didn't... The Niners. They played in Golden Gate Park. Remember for one of the championships? Probably an NFL championship. But you guys sucked back then, so I don't know. I think you had like one good year in the 40s of 50s. It was one.

It was one in the 50s and then 1960 was the last one. And we used to, we always get into this discussion about, like, you think it matters. What? The NFL championship. NFL titles should count. They do count, but they're not Super Bowls. And, you know, I don't get that. I don't, you know, Bartman.

There was no other league. I get it. I get it. But now there is another league. There's two. No, there's still, there was still a fucking, no, you don't understand. The AFL started in 1960. Before then, there was, there was only the, no, there was the NFL.

And then the NFL came in. I'll give you a little history lesson. The first year, the NFL, okay, all the NFL owners laughed. Baha. Ha ha ha. Look at these fucking morons. wasting their money. But while they laughed at them, they made two moves to fuck over the AFL. The first thing they did was the team with the most amount of money was the Dallas

Texans. They were red and white, right? They later became the Kansas City Chiefs. So what the NFL did was immediately gave Dallas an NFL franchise. That's how the Cowboys started. That started so that there would be a team in the same city as the wealthiest AFL team. They're trying to cut the head off the snake here. So then basically, they're figuring both they're going to be low quality of players because they're both brand new. However, you could see Jim Brown or whoever like the superstar of the day would come in and play the Cowboys. So you're going to go to that game rather than the Dallas Texans. And it kind of worked because the Texans ended up moving to Kansas City and became the chiefs.

Then the other move they made was one of their franchises, the Minnesota Vikings were initially going to be an AFL team. and they came in and they said, hey, you want to join the NFL? And then they said, hey, fuck the AFL. Let's go with this team. So that's what they did. They tried to fuck over two teams. That's what they did. Now, the NFL continues.

There's all these fucking championships being won. The Green Bay Packers won like fucking 13 of them. And they're the New York Yankees. They're the fucking Celtics. They're the Montreal Canadians of football. But they just don't recognize their first 12. So they say the Steelers are with six Super Bowls. So after the, after the,

1969 when the Jets beat the fucking Hagers. No, Colts. Was it Colts? They beat the Colts. And there was a merger talk was already there. And the AFL was actually doing so well and was such an exciting product that it was kind of looking like they actually might take over the NFL. All right. And the only guy who had the balls to say fuck the new NFL merger deal was what's his face there.

Jesus Christ, it just spaced on his name. with the Raiders. Oh, Al Davis. Al Davis. Al Davis was fuck that. He just didn't want to beat him. He wanted to bury him. He wanted to put him out of business. And everybody else was like,

no, fuck that, let's join. So they joined. Okay? Now, that has happened in other leagues. The NHL with like the IHL with Wayne Gretzky's, where the fuck he played with Indianapolis? Like, I guess that was his first team. I used to know all of this shit.

But they've absorbed teams from other leagues. The NBA took in ABA teams. Yeah, but they, But they still count the Celtics championships. But they didn't change the name of the title. I think it's because of the event. Oh, changing the name of the title? I'll go with that.

That's what it is. That's what it is. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe that's what it is. Because you're changing the name of the title. The basketball never changed the name of the title. But here's the thing. The first two Green Bay ones were the NFL-AFL championship game, as was the third one.

Which is the Jets. The Jets was an NFL-A-Fel title game. Which is great. But you know what's funny about the whole story you heard? You just, you told me, I was just thinking, oh, my God, the Vikings still suck. But the, yeah. Do you know the Patriots now have tied? They've lost the most Super Bowls.

But they also, oh, they don't have to be. The thing is, we've also been to the most. You've been to fucking 10. We're 5 and 5. You've been to 10. Here's the thing. And it's not an NFL fan out there that wouldn't take that. Except for the Steelers.

The Steelers are. Or the 49ers in the 49ers and the Cowboys, because they already have five, and they've been to, like eight or something. Denver's been five. Denver's been to five. Denver lost five. It is one three. So they've been to eight. The cowboys have won five and they'll see, they lost to the Colts. They lost to the Steelers twice. I think that's, I think they've been to eight. Dude, I saw your clip on Conan and you go, oh, I've been through five of these losses. I'm like, how old are you? Because the first Patriot Super Bowl was 86. Okay, that makes sense. It's not that bad.

But I am old. I'm turning 50 in June. Well, congratulations. I turned 42 on Friday in America. Yeah, you look great. Thank you. Thank you. Considering how much both of us drink.

I mean, we're both in good shape, too. I know. I know. This is the Suckard Dix podcast. So anyways, before we get into your big win, because I really, because I've got to be honest with you, I actually, as is boss, I'm old enough to remember when all the Boston team sucked, except for the Celtics in the 80s, but then Len Byest died and Reggie Lewis died, and then it was just fucking over.

I remember what it felt like the first time. So I was actually, when the Patriots were not looking good to me, okay? You know, when we played the Steelers and we had the game won, and we let up that 90 yards on a screen pass. The first year they won. No, this year. This year.

This year. In December, we did that. Against the playoff team. And then they threw a touchdown to win the game. But the NFL now is like, oh, when he had the ball, did you really have the ball? So it's not a catch. But that game was a fucking loss. And that gave us home field advantage.

And that helped us fucking go to the Super Bowl. Go to the Super Bowl. Yeah. So here was the thing. I was kind of watching you guys. Yeah. Because I was just going to, right, who am I going to root for? I was like, oh, L.A. Rams would be cool if they got something.

The fucking Eagles would be cool because they'd never won. So here's the thing. If my team isn't fucking in it, I'm going to root for the team. Oh, there you go. I'm not a dick. I'm not a dick. I'm not a dick. All right.

So, but you know, if it's the Yankees, fuck the Yankees. And if it's the Canadians, and if it's the Lakers, fuck the Lakers. But other than that, I got to ask you, why are the Canadians? Oh, Bruins Canadians is like a huge. It used to be a huge rivalry. And what happens is, is one team never wins it. And then the other team always wins it. And then what happens is then you win it.

And that's the end of the movie. Then the credits are rolling. Like, they try to make like the Red Sox Yankees thing. It's not the same. No, it's always. over. And it's kind of like, you know, when they make the sequel, but the star in the movie doesn't sign on to do it again? Yeah. Or like back in the day when, like a movie. Like Major League 2 without Wesley Slipes? They took Omar Epps. Slashed the phone. Oh, he was out. Okay. There you go. There you go. Well, I would say at Major League without Charlie Sheen.

Yeah, okay. The third one then. Okay, the third one. Or Jaws 3D? Jaws 3D. The second Spielberg goes, nah, I'm not doing it. It just became a shit. The shoes were good. You didn't like it? Oh, dude. Was that the one? What was the one where the shark started roaring? That was the third one, right?

It was going like, brah. It was the fourth one. That's bad. Okay, that's bad. Aaron, you knew that? Yeah, yeah. That's hilarious. He was so immediate with the four.

That's why that's so fucking funny. Everybody looks at Shark Nato like it's this worst thing ever. It's like, no, dude, the groundwork had been laid. But I like bad movies. Well, let's get back to this real quick. So, I'm sorry. I was going to sit there and you know I got a lot of friends yourself

Yeah I got like a good half dozen people that I know that are from Philly Yeah You know I there's a lot of cool chicks from Philly too That I met Yeah The women from Philly are cool Yeah

So I wasn't going to be that fucking you know Asshole so anyways So you guys beat us And now you know the deal You lose a big game like that You go on radio silence I'm not going on fucking the internet I mean I kind of still have to

Because of the podcast But I'm not going to much of ESPN. So I didn't get to see you guys. My favorite thing ever is fucking grown men crying over sports. It's the funniest.

Like that Eagles fan who called in when Carson Wentz went down. Did you hear that? I didn't see that one. He's like, what's it ever going to happen for us, man? And it was funny. He's the sports cast.

It gets like freaked out. He's like, buddy, you're crying? He's like, well, we'll win it next year, man. Relax. It's so funny. Did you see the guy who's waiting at the fence when they won the Super Bowl

and when they're landing just to watch? He was crying. He was like a 54-year-old black dude, just sobbing. Black guy? Yeah, just sobbing. He's just like, my whole fucking life. My whole fucking life, I've been waiting for this.

And here's the thing. That Patriots lost hurts way less now. They kind of got me. That hurts way less now knowing that somebody, an Eagles fan, ended up being that fucking happy. Come on, man. We're fucking, we're drowning in rings over here, Kevin. But here's the thing. Your first one, you know.

I was at the game. I shut the fuck up. People were losing it. I was at the game. And when I, everybody like, we were in the exact opposite end zone. Uh-huh. And he like kicked a field goal. And I put my hands out like I was holding back the crowd on Beatlemania in my row

because my brother and dad were there like, oh, fuck, oh, fuck. And it went through. And it just, I couldn't believe it when I went through. Then I saw the confetti. And dude, all of a sudden, next thing I knew, I was on the ground. What? Just the whole section just tackled each other. Oh, that's fucking insane.

That's fucking awesome. And then I was worried about my dad because I was there my dad and he was like in his 60s at the time and he got up. And he just, he couldn't fucking believe it, right? And I looked over and there was one guy still standing up. Yeah. And he was just standing there and I looked over him. He was for some reason staring at me and he just had tears in his eye. And I, eyes kind of locked.

I had to like, oh, I had to like look away like, dude, what the fuck? And I remember walking out of the stadium like just because I went to the one when we lost to the Packers. So I know what that feeling feels like. And then when we won it, but that wasn't close though, that one. It was until, uh, the opening of the half. So to had two, so I basically had faith through fucking 18 and a half games. So yeah, it was close. And then they kicked the fucking ball off and Tyrone Wheatley. No, no, no, no, no, that was his name. Desmond Howard. Desmond Howard. I know, I know it was a, uh, the only kicker to win a fucking MVP in the Super Bowl. Kick returner. Yeah. So he ran the fucking thing back right after.

us. That's funny. I might have been in the same end zone. I don't know. Both times I had upper deck end zone seats. So then when we won it, I was thinking like every time the Patriots go, I'm going at such a great experience. So the next time we played, I believe you were playing the Panthers.

And I was going to go, but it was on Sunday, obviously. And then that Monday we were shooting the World Series of Dice sketch in the morning for Chappelle's show. Okay. So I couldn't go. And I went there. And that's the first time I met Charlie Murphy, rest of soul. and I remember being pissed

that I was psyched I had the acting work obviously psyched to be on the Chappelle show but I was like fuck man I really wanted to go to that game but I remember when the game was over and I was in my apartment we won I was psyched

and I still had two grand in my pocket I was like wait a minute this is kind of fucking cool so then I was just like yeah I don't need to go I saw the first one ever why am I going to go there and use up a ticket

somebody else could have and like someday you know if I have a kid, now I have a kid. If she ever wants to go, I'll take her and I'll do that. But other than that, I'm on the road all the time. Do you, did you, you obviously got the feeling? I don't, I don't know if I'd be, like if I was at the Super Bowl, my buddies went. They lost, they lost their minds, but they actually came back immediately and watched the game.

Because they said they couldn't really. Believe it. Yeah, they could believe it one or two. They didn't really see what was going on. Well, you don't get the analysis in the, breakdown and all of that. Let me ask you this. When Brady fumbles the ball and you guys recover. Oh, man. Dude.

What did you do? Dude. But by the way, you were you thinking like, fuck, he's going to drive down the field? We're going to lose? No, no, no, no. I never, this is just crazy. Normally with all the Eagles teams, I'm like, ah, they don't got it. That weird stomach feeling.

But this team, it was just this year. And Destiny, they lost their fucking quarterback. I'm getting misty-eyed thinking about it. But then I was like, ah, it's not about Tom. It's about the Eagles. That's how I felt this year about this team. So. I didn't like how you guys all ran out as a team.

And everybody was like, when I saw that, are you never going to win a second? We've been doing that. You stole our fucking thing. That was our thing. By the way, I think that's stupid.

What? From the year you guys did it to now I think it's stupid. I love the intros. I kind of miss me. I got to tell you, dude, we went, we've gone, we've gone five and three doing it that way. And we've been to eight of them.

So you might want to keep doing that. You know what else was driving me nuts Was Chris Collins With flipping out about that trick player It might be the most unbelievable fucking thing It's like, dude, we just ran that fucking play But here's the thing I saw that clip

And when you were in Conan you said Oh I wish Tom would have laid out I wish he caught it And the only reason Because I wanted to get in I wanted him to get hit Oh you did Just like

Dude can I be honest with you Yeah That guy every fucking Super Bowl Has driven us down for the win Everyone You know And I actually looked at all all the Super Bowls, and I would say that we very easily could have been seven and one.

And the one game we should have lost was the Seattle game. The Seattle one. They should just give it to Marshaun Lynch. Both Giants games we had. Brady and Welker, boom, first down over. Asante Samuels intercepts the fucking ball that hits him in both hands. We got that one. But this Eagles won, mind it, I was pretty fucking drawn by the end of it, by the end of the game.

And I just, I'll tell you. I never felt good about this. I never felt good about the team or the game going in. I believe I said on my podcast, take the Eagles in the points. On the points, yes. Yes. Yeah, and I thought you guys,

I thought you guys had an unbelievable defense. I'm like, these guys, this is looking like the fucking giant. Dude, where was the defense in that game? It was like a fucking Pro Bowl. By the way, I watched the game four times afterwards,

just to watch it. Only Tom could have done that against that defense. You know what's funny? Only Tom, because I was watching some of those fucking passes and how he got out of the pocket. Only Tom could have done that well against that defense because most line, most people's line. I'll have to watch it again because I didn't think you guys, dude, I thought both quarterbacks had like all day.

I didn't think you really got to Brady. Dude, fucking Nick Foes had all day. Tom got hit like 12 times, but your line was better than most. Yeah. Dude, we just didn't have a defense. I can tell you, I would never question our coaching staff. But any time we do that, I remember that time Wes Welker like made all the new, when, when, what's his face,

find out he had the foot fetish, Rex Ryan. So Welker does this whole interview, like, sort of giving him shit on, you know, hey, we're just, you know, you're playing the Jets. Whatever. He says, yeah, we're going to put our best foot forward. And, you know, yeah, it was funny. And then they kept them out for the first court.

Anytime we do that, I don't know if we've probably done that other time. But they just reminded me of that game, be like, oh, we're fucking with the chemistry here. But I'm a stand-up comedian, Kevin. I'm not a fucking offensive coordinator. So what, our defensive coordinator, what do I know? But I watched that game four more times, like I said. Oh, it's the best.

Dude, I still have the fucking Seattle and the Atlanta game. Do you? Still on my fuck. I still have it. I bought. And I got the thing, never erase. And my wife's like, you're never going to watch. She's like, yeah, I am.

You are. You are. You will. When you're bored or you want to get your fucking spirits up? She goes to bed early. Dude, I, I'm never going to watch this. I just tape the highlights of all 51. There's like, there's five losses in there.

Well, four losses. now we've got a fifth one, and I'm still going to watch those. No, it's the best. I remember Super Bowl 20. We were up three nothing against the 46 defense. Tony Franklin, speaking of feet, his bare feet came out and kicked one. And I'm like, yeah, you know? I don't know.

Bears are talking all this shit. Oh, dude, that was the most dominant defense that I ever saw. Here's a good one. Super Bowl six. Super Bowl six is the Dallas Cowboys and the Miami Dolphins. What's interesting is. Is the Dolphins? Tom Landry and Don Shula, two legendary coaches.

But when that game went down, they were both considered losers. And one of them is finally going to get their monkey off the back. Dallas had the thing they could never win the big one. And they'd only been around since 1960, but they lost the ice bowl up in Green Bay. I know, dude, I'm a fucking nerd. And then the year before, they played the Colts. They got there again, and they fucking lost their Colts in a really messy game. And then Don Shula, his big thing was he was with,

He was coaching the 69 Colts that lost to the Jets. The first NFL team to lose to an AFL team was a major embarrassment. And that ended his career there. And then he went over to the Dolphins. Wasn't that the undefeated season? No. No. They went three years in a row.

One of, I think, two teams to ever go three years in a row. And only one has ever gone four years in a row. And that's the bills. They lost to the Cowboys. And then the next year, they beat the, did they beat the red? Yeah, they beat the Redskins. That was the undefeated year.

That was the year that they had them beat four. There was 14 to nothing. And they were lining up to kick a field goal. This is how much the NFL has changed. It's like, there's like two minutes left in the third quarter. And if this thing goes through, they're like, the gut and outchers are going, this game's over. It's in the third quarter. Yeah, because no one's going to score that.

Because, dude, all they did was fucking run. Because they were like greasy was four for four in the first quarter. That's funny. Do you know what I love, I love the fact that back then how much cocaine those guys did? Do you ever see that cocaine cowboys and the one? Isn't that a movie? It was a documentary. It was about, you know, the cocaine trafficking.

What, the cocaine in the Super Bowl? It wasn't it about cocaine trafficking? Cocaine trafficking. Okay. They were telling the story about the Steelers and the Dolphins and the NFC Championship game or Steelers in the Super Bowl in Miami. That entire old line went out the night before and the guy gave them all the Coke they wanted. All right.

You're up to like four in the morning. That's amazing. That's also a jailbird trying to. get into a fucking documentary, right? No, no, he was the main guy. Well, here's the thing, though. They also, like, the medical industry, whatever they call him, said cocaine is no more addicting than coffee or caffeine.

Yeah. So that's what they initially said. If you ever want to read an unbelievable book, read the Hollywood Henderson. He was basically the Lawrence Taylor before Lawrence Taylor, and he got crazy on drugs. And the reason why Lawrence Taylor looks like he just fell out of the sky and no one ever played the game like that is because. because Hollywood Henderson messed up his career so bad. But there's highlights of that guy.

That guy was unbelievable. In fact, I believe Super Bowl 10, 1976, when the Cowboys played the Steelers, they kicked the ball off. He's a linebacker. They had him return it. And he ran it like 55 fucking yards. The only person who stopped him was Roy Jarella, dove to knock him out of bounds and had his ribs exposed. And Henderson's knees hit him in the ribs, and it fucked him up.

And it caused Jorella. This is really interesting. and caused them to fuck up a couple of kicks. And so that was a big thing for the Cowboys, but they fucked up because on the second miss or the first of second miss, Cliff Harris from the Cowboys gets in Roy Jorella's face going like, hey, you fucked up, buddy. And Jack Lambert was on the field and just picked fucking Cliff Harris up like a rag doll

and threw him onto the ground. Like basically. That's amazing. Yeah, and didn't get a penalty. There's another thing, too. When you watch those old highlight. Yeah, back to, hey, knock it off, fellas. Yeah, they didn't give a fuck.

Yeah, they were in helmets. They bought it Sears. Brian Dawkins' videos of him suplexing guys. Well, here's the thing. The Cowboys had that fucking game won. In the first half, they called all these trick plays. They were loose. They were throwing the ball, doing all that.

They got in the second half. They played fucking Marty ball. And I'm telling you, man, no fucking sport fucks you more when you play not to lose than football. I don't know what it is. That's as soon as the Falcons are doing. Granted Tom played fucking lights out, but you know. No, dude, that's a, that's a colossal.

It's a collapse. It's a collapse. I mean, you know more about football history. I'm more recent, but. I don't know shit about football. I've just watched a lot of video on it. Like, I watch Super Bowl highlights the way Tom Brady actually watched his game film. By the way, I don't want to.

Here's the thing. I like Carson Wentz and you must love Tom Brady. I don't want to see their personal life. I don't. I could give it. No, I'm not built that way. I don't like pre-appointed. post-game analysis.

Yeah, I don't like any of that shit. I don't want, I don't want to- As I sit here talking about the game. No, no, but I don't want to human moments. I don't, this is going to sound fucking, I don't want to see him as human. I just want to see them as athletes. Here's the thing.

I think they're entitled to their privacy. I think that you should be able to go out as an NFL quarterback, and if you want to go out and do some blow in a, in a, in a titty bar. Yeah. Here's what I can't stand about fucking people today with their phones. If they saw the local quarterback doing blow in a titty bar.

He was fucked rather than thinking well shit I'm here too you know what I mean? No I get it They will literally film the fucking guys Oh my God

I can't believe There's our starting quarterback It's like what do you do Yeah You work with heavy machinery Yeah What the fuck do you do You're in the titty bar too

And this did like The whole Like just let somebody go out Have a good fucking To shut the fuck up It's just like Everybody Telling on everybody

They're just so fucking mad being Jimmy John's managers and shit. It's just like the guy. You can be a Jimmy Johns manager and you can have a hell of a fucking weekend. You could tell a week. You could have a fucking weekend that would make Tom Brady be like, get the fuck out of here. Well, Tom doesn't do that. Tom's not doing that. What do you mean?

He's not going out and getting fucking nuts. No, I'm not saying he is. I'm saying he should be able to. Because the second you said that, all I thought about was Ken Stabler. I heard this great story that used to play for the Oakland Raiders before that horrific trade where they got Dan Pastor. eating and they switched them both. And he became an oiler and finished up with the Saints, I believe.

And he first. Fullest Nats today. Yeah, yeah. No, that's all I did was look at football cars back then. So his coach was giving him shit one time because he went out boozing the night before. Yeah. He's just like, he went to fucking going out partying the night before you have a game. He just goes, coach, he goes, how many hours sleep you need to go play a couple hours

of football? That's awesome. And there's nothing to say. There's nothing. You're right? You're right. Those guys used to go out there and they would just fucking sling it. Like, I don't know.

So anyways, real quick. How far into this are we? Half hour. Fuck, at some point I've got to read some advertising. So when they finally fucking win it, are you with other Eagle fans? Are you crying? Are you tackling people? Are you in stunned silence by yourself?

No. Where'd you watch the game? Do you remember that casino we played in San Diego? We flew in the helicopter. It's north. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you were there? So we were there, the girl I'm dating.

The girl I'm saying, the lady friend, she's like, I know you're not going to want to be around anyone. So I'll get your hotel. So she got us a hotel. And then she's like, I want to sit by the pool. So I'll rent us the cabana with the TV. It was fucking awesome. We had a whole entire cabana just herself. I don't know putting any pressure on the relationship, but you've got to marry that girl.

I couldn't believe it. She goes, she's a Steelers fan. She loves football too, but she goes, I get it. She goes, this is your fucking day? Dude. She's like, I understand. I know. How many times you said to a woman, I get it, and you were right, and you made their day?

No, I'm telling you what she, when I said to her. Find a woman that gets a guy. And I totally said to her, I go, you can totally buy my love. I'm all, I'm all for it. So I never day drink. Classic guy. She does something great. I was something sweet.

Yeah. I mean it was a hookerish, maybe? Yeah, a little bit, a little bit. So I don't ever day drink. That's one of the reasons why the Rose Bowl thing is out the window because I'll get, you see me when I'm drunk. Do you think that's why you've never been? what do you mean? Because the reason

actually, I'm going to come clean. Okay. We've never had you there. Well, the first couple years. No, you've never been there. No, no, I'm saying the first couple years you say, hey, come. I said, I don't think I should. Then I got to know you better.

Yeah, I told you. And then we had to talk, me and Bartnick, and we're like, listen, we love Shay, but the year we bring Shay is the year we get kicked out in the first quarter. And I admit, I told you guys that. I even told Bartney. I go, Barton. If you, if I come and I'm starting drinking at 10, oh, it's done. 10.

So we say, seven. We get there when it starts. How the fuck do you even go to the game? I'm always blown away. Dude, I literally drink, pass out, wake up with a hangover and recover before the game even starts. I still can't believe it's Sunday. That's amazing. I always fall asleep when Lawhead.

Lawhead always makes some fucking insane, like, for the main course. I never make it to the main course. I always wake up. I always wake up. It's already over. I mean, one year I was so shit-faced. I actually had the afternoon of cigar first. And then all of a sudden he brought over like a pork shoulder.

And I was smoking a cigar, shit-faced. I'd eat pork shoulder with my hands. And occasionally I would look up and see families walking by with children. Oh, my God. I was just like, wow, man. I remember going to Sullivan Stadium back in the day and seeing guys like me. That's amazing. Oh, real quick.

So I got wasted. By yourself. What are you drinking? James and soda all the time. James and soda. Ambers and soda and she's... Are you pacing in the room? The bed's still made, right?

Oh, no, no. I'm pacing the cabana. Oh, the cabana, that's right. The cabana with no shirt, just shorts, no shoes, a hat, and just a drink in my left hand. And then there's other cabana next to us was all Patriots fans. They were all like big white dudes. Oh, God. Oh, God.

But they were great. They were like nice guys because I became the loud one, obviously. I became nuts. So there's one guy who was like this big fat white dude, the beard. Every time you walk by the thing, you go, go past, I go, eh. I couldn't even speak. I was just so, like, angry. I'm like, eh, eh.

So at the end of it. Well, he's being a cunt. Yeah, I know. He's being a cut, but he actually came out. He's being a big fat, white cunt. Yes, exactly. But he came over, and he was really cool. He shook my hand and congratulated me.

But by the end of the game, dude, I lost it. I started flipping over the lounge chairs. Oh, God. Yeah, you know. Why? Because I was just fucking excited. that's how I get. So I just started flip it over the lounge shares.

Do you think that Eagles fans are really that bad or the rep was there so now they just try to find the guy eating horse shit? You got to admit, horse shit's pretty big. All fucking sports fans are bad. That whole like. Eagles fans are pedestrian compared to out here. Yeah, like Oakland fans. Dude, you can get killed out here. A guy got killed at a Dodgers game.

Dude, a guy. Eagles fan, they'll throw full beers at you. They'll dump one over your head. You want to get to a fist fight? They'll do that. A guy, they'll eat farm animal shit, evidently. A guy got fucking stabbed at a Raiders preseason game.

Like, Raiders 49ers. What the fuck cares? And I'm so sick of the fucking snowball on Santa. Who gives a fuck? You know what I was making fun of? Who gives a fuck? Anytime you guys are in a big game,

like the big cheesy thing. Whenever Boston is in a big game, uh, what they talk about is they'll talk about, um, you know, they'll show like fucking the Paul Revere statue or something in the North End. All this shit that nobody from Boston ever went to unless you went on some field trip that you,

that you, that you'll probably, psyched as a kid because you didn't have to go to school. The Freedom Trail and the foliage and fucking some lobster fisherman tying a sailor's not. I don't even know what they do. You guys, it's always...

Oh, God. You know what it is. What is it? It's the Rocky Statue, Philly Cheesstakes and Snowball Santa. I'm like, did you just say Pennsylvania is a fucking dumb movie? Next time I go to Philly. Next time I go to Philly, I'm going to one of those

fucking cheese steak places. I'm going to say this. Hello. I would like a Philadelphia cheese steak sandwich with peppers and onions and provolone cheese, please. I'm so sick of them telling me how to... You got to give me a whiz, wit. I'm not saying that. It's so stupid. I have legal tender.

Make me a fucking sandwich. It's the only city that's like that. Oh, in Boston, you want some clam chowardy. It's just so stupid. I'm like, I don't... I love Philly cheese sticks. I'm from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. I love them, but I don't love them enough to say.

say this is what I'm about. I'm not a fucking hoagie. Can I tell you something to do it? Oh, God. I hate clam chowder. Clam chowder tastes like it was in... You know what it tastes like? Fish jiz.

No, it is. You know what it's that shit that cows chew when they're in between their three stomachs and they just yak in a bowl. That's what the fuck it tastes like. You took it to another level. I like clam chowlil. Fish jizz. Fish jiz to me still seems like it'd be clear.

Or else every part of the ocean would be foggy. Their eggs are clear. They got clear jizz. I like clam chowder, and I don't even like milky shit. I'm like lactose intolerant. I like clam chattelder. But it's not a big deal. Like, Philly Cheesstakes.

It's just so fucking nuts. And they show it cooking. Like them cooking it every football game. Poor cut of meat. I actually, I like, I really like cheese sticks. But I just hate that whole fucking thing. You got to say it this way. I know.

I don't. I, I, I, I, I, I haven't. I played Philly and so fucking wrong. I never eat at any of those places. Oh, all right. Yeah, I stay away from it. Oh, I got to tell you something. I got to tell you something.

I had a fucking, you know, I got this old truck, so I listen to fucking AM radio. So it's just either sports talk, somebody speaking some sort of Korean or like political shit, right wing stuff. So I'm listening to the sports talk. And they were talking about that, whatever our coordinator's name is Josh or some shit.

He interviewed. Daniels. Yeah, he interviewed for the Colts job. Oh! All of that. All of that. shit and then he walks away the last second and then they're talking about it and this one guy's going like, looks it. You know, there's nothing, nothing illegal about it. I don't like the way it went

down, blah, blah, blah. And this other guy on the show, he goes, this is just indicative of, the Patriots once again, bending the rules. It's like, you've got to be shitting me. It's like the level that people didn't pay attention to deflategate. It's like what that guy did to us, if that's all we do back to him, let's just say that was a conspiracy. Yeah. Okay, Josh, you're going to go in there. Even though we're preparing for the Super Bowl, fuck all of that, we're going to have this big conspiracy, we're going to just waste their fucking time. If that's all we did to them, he got off easy. He cost us a million dollars and two draft picks over some bullshit. You guys deserve that. Why? I'm fucking with you. Yeah, all right. But here's the thing.

I was hoping you had a point. I could actually become the piece. My favorite thing, with cherry on top of that story, the cherry on top of that story is not that the fucking idiot found deflated ball. on the Colts side, too. It's that the fucking guy in the Colts that caught the ball, the initial one that started all that bullshit allegedly. Listen to this. Yeah. That guy, you know what he did in the next year?

The two years within that? He tested positive for steroids. Where was the ESPN there? You still are mad? You won the Super Bowl that year. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. No, he didn't.

No, he did. Because the one he got, the one he got suspended. We didn't. For four years. Are you talking about the suspension or the flake aid happened. And then. And then. Then the next year, like he got fucking suspended.

Then they went to court, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he got a, eh, and then he got fucking suspended. It got laughed out of court. The judge was mad. You're wasting a fucking time. Then the NFL was butt hurt that we beat him. And then they fucking come back and they go, all right, is the NFL a corporation? Yes.

Is Tom Brady an employee? Does a corporation have a right to suspend an employee? That's how they suspended. They found a loophole. Then he got suspended. It was like three years of shit. Fair enough. And what?

We wasted fucking a week of that guy's life and fucked them over his season? Fuck that guy All right, fair enough I don't like the Colts I agree with you But you got a Super Bowl I don't mind Colts fans Well fans I don't really

Do we would have got the fucking Super Bowl anyways Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah We know what we did do No no You know what

And then the 49ers When they had to spend all that money On a guy who's played five games Oh Garapolo Jesus Christ What are they doing He's gonna be good You know he's gonna be good

Garapolo. Dude, he looks like he's going to be good. Dude, there's been, I'm not saying he's not going to be good. But dude, that guy's making more money than like Aaron Rogers. You know what? I do disagree with you. Tom Brady would not have played as well if he didn't get suspended those first four games two years ago. Listen, I will say this.

I liked a 39, four-year-old guy getting four games off. I like that. It's great. But I don't think it added anymore. Dude, he's like psycho-driven. Anyways. My only thing about him is I don't want him to go out like Brett Farf. I don't, because this whole fucking thing, Tom versus Time, if he plays least 45, you know, as long as he's still competitive.

I just don't want to see him like on the Rams like Joe Namath. No. The fucking Johnny United is wearing a fucking Chargers uniform. He's too proud. He won't do that. I hope he doesn't do that. Why the fuck is he doing this weird reality show? I don't get it.

What is that? I'm not going to pay attention to him, but that makes me fucking nervous because he never did shit like that. That's what I mean. Peyton Manning did like 400 commercials a year. I thought that helped us. Yeah, because Peyton is kind of like to every guy, like he comes off like a dumb farmer.

You know what I mean? People like that in the fucking Midwest. I fucking hate. I can't. I don't like the Colts in general. You don't have to beat the Chargers. That's what I would have sunk. Somebody asked me today, like, hey, you know, where does

this is just going to be all football talk. Where does, where does, you know, Tom Brady having the greatest coach of all time in the Brady versus Peyton Manning argument? And that's a fair point, but I, be honest with you, I actually liked Eli. I would rather have had Eli in January. Yeah, Eli's a better playoff quarterback than... Eli can stink in September, October.

But then when, you know... You need him to turn it on. Besides, Dan Marino, wouldn't you say Peyton Manning's the greatest regular season quarterback of all the time? First of all, Dan Marino gets an unbelievable bad rap. Okay. Peyton Manning was part of a three-headed fucking monster. All right. He won that Super Bowl?

No. Just like, Edger and James and what's his face there, wide receiver. Just forgot his fucking name. Marvin Harrison. I never had his football card, so I'll never remember his name. Philly guy. Shot two people? No, he didn't.

Allegedly. Allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. Allegedly. Maybe they ate his horse shit. He was upset. They fucking, Dan Marino had no running game and no defense. It's great. His entire career. What was he supposed to do? I'll tell you around, Tom Brady would not have won a fucking Super Bowl. With fucking, and Don Shula, everybody stole all this tricks by the time. Dan Marino would have thrown easily for 6,000 yards in today's NFL.

Yeah, well, today's NFL, do you like it? No. No, I don't like it. They went too far. And what I'm liking about watching these first Super Bowls is I like more of the running. I like the defenses had nicknames and stuff. It was a meaner game. And it was a more strategic game.

And, dude, Paul Versey said the funniest fucking shit about that Eagles Patriots Super Bowl. He's like, dude, he goes, that's the kind of game your girlfriend likes. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like if soccer had that much scoring, I'd be like, dude, that was a. great fucking game. And then all those English guys would be like, right,

man, they would be able to break down the game as to why it sucked. Everyone keeps telling me, what a great game. Congratulations. I'm happy because the Eagles won. I'm happy,

but it wasn't a great game. It was a shit show. It wasn't a great game. There was no fucking defense. And I said it was viewer friendly. Yeah, but I have to be honest with you, that is all those rule changes.

I always blame Jim Earsay because I'm a cunt, but it's all of them. It's because they're trying to expand the game. And you know that they've done studies. and you know that offense sells the game. That's why I think MLB looked the other way when everyone was all roided up and they actually act surprised.

All the owners get to act surprised. Like, oh, we had no fucking idea. Really? Like, we don't know the comics that are partying. Yeah. The MLB doesn't. You pay a guy a zillion dollars a fucking year. You don't know what he's doing.

It's like the NBA. Like that game was fucked. When they had the strike and they didn't have the World Series and all of that shit, they needed something to come back. By the way, that was a fucking awesome year, though. It was fucking incredible.

It was fucking amazing. I remember watching in college. Every lunch, every year in the cafeteria, we'd watch the fucking highlights. Like who? I went to, I never heard of Sammy Sosa. Mark McGuire his 27th or 28th home run. It was down in San Diego when they're still playing at Qualcomm Stadium. I went there with this Boston call, Dan Smith, and we sat in the upper deck and went

fucking McGuire. The place was packed for his, for his, when he would take batting practice. And the whole place, he came up to the plate for batting practice, standing ovation. It was like three-quarters full for batting practice. Everybody's going on. This is the funny shit ever. The first pitch in, he laid down a bun. And everybody booed.

And then he laughed and everybody laughed because it was kind of a cool way to get rid of the stress here. I got to read a couple of advertisements here. And then I want to talk about what's going on with mailboxes. What? I'm going to talk to you about it. All right. Loaveshton. Molled and groped by fucking cougars that never.

Never. Never. Are they brought to How do you print the stamps? Well, I don't know. You fucking use a computer. You have your assistant to it. That's what you do, actually. And right now, you two can enjoy somebody born in the 90s you have to do it. And right now, you two can enjoy the Stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale. Go to Stamps.com, clip on the microphone at the top of the homepage type in Burr, Bury. That's Stamps.com, enter Burr. You use your computer and your printer.

That's how you do it. I don't have a printer. I don't have a printer. I don't have a friender. All right. You know, you went negative on all the ads. No, I like them all. You're not getting a tucks.

You don't need a home security system. And evidently you don't mail shit. Do you mail shit? I don't mail shit. I return the only time I ever mail shit, I have to return a fucking... How do you pay bills? Online. You pay online.

Yeah. And do you use, like, your banking online? Yeah. Do you not do that? No. Do you do not fucking mail checks? All the time. You're fucking with me.

No. Do you know? Do you, so you need, so, wait, well, hold the phone. I'm one of the last ones because what I was going to say is, there's no fucking, they're starting to get rid of mailboxes. They're starting to weld them shut. You go up to one, you're like, oh, good. And then you can't get it in there.

What? Yeah. They're going away. Like, remember those phone boosts, the big red phone booths that they had in England? Yes. And now for some reason they sold all of them over here because we're weird and we want to. So they're turning those in the new mailboxes? I think a bunch of people in England are going to buy our old post office boxes and

stick them in their man caves. Someone just bought the LA Times. So how the fuck are we going to get to LA Times? If there's mailboxes don't work. Don't you have a paper boy? No, there's no paper boys. I do see Mexican moms driving their kids around in the mornings when I went in the mornings. And they throw their fucking paper.

God bless them. My dad used to do this with us. That's why I have the work ethic. I had a paper from third grade till the point it got weird. Yeah. Like I was coming up. My voice was starting to change. I couldn't walk away from the money.

All my friends were always broke. I, dude, I had no overhead. Football cards and candy with my biggest fucking expenses. That was it. I wish, wouldn't life be great if we could just go back there? I used to ride my bike up to the bowling alley, go bowling. I paid for the whole fucking thing. No.

Yeah, never had to go to my parents. Hang me, a couple of bucks, man. Never had to do that. I was fucking independent. Where you going, Bill? I was going on a bike ride. All right, get the fuck out of here. They didn't give a shit.

We were going to go bowling. But you were exhausted at school. I'm guarantee you. I wasn't. You were up at like four in the morning. Dude, I wrote a bike. I didn't go boozing. Plus, I was a kid.

My body was brand new. All right. Premier League football. People ride in, they ask questions and all this shit. Oh, nice. I like this. Premier League football.

Premier League, I swear to God, the level of excitement. Like, whenever I put these games on, every time when I watch them, like, you know, I can get into it. It's always like nighttime and shit. No, it makes you want to booze.

You wish it was cold. You're stuck on. I got to buy a scarf. I got to start singing some songs. I hate to be the cliche American, but I don't like that. I don't get soccer. Sir William of Albinoville. That was actually for you.

That's a great one. They usually just go, hey, Billy Red Tids, say, you freckled cunt. You know, it's the usual. I like that. Sir William of Albinoville. That's almost begging for a picture. I think I got to dress up in a regal way. I got to make sure we wrap this up because I'm

I'm going to go see Todd Rex's. T-Rex. Yep, and he sold out both of his shows. He was sold them. So thank you to everybody listen to Todd on this show and bought a ticket. All right, there is only one team you can support in the English Premier League, and that is Liverpool. I'm just going to pause and wait for everybody in England. Oh, fucky, fucking cunt, Beatlemania.

It is deeply working class with a long Irish history. All right, I'm in. The city itself doesn't consider itself English, but a separate entity from the rest of the country. Oh, grow the fuck up. What are you, the South? You're going to secede from the Union? Liverpool Football Club is currently owned by Fenway Sports Group. That's the Red Sox.

Is it? Yeah. Up until recently, we were the most successful team in England, but a barren spell due to tragedy and mismanagement finally seems to be coming to an end, much like the Red Sox during their winless run. So why the fuck do I want to jump on the bandwagon now? We have the most exciting attacking line

in the league, possibly Europe. Our manager is an utter lunatic, a very rich history. Okay, I'm kind of in right now. Not all of it is good, including 18 league titles and five European Cups. The best team in the whole of Europe is the European Cup. We've been targeted by the press, the media, and even the government. Oh, this is like the Patriots. What is he?

I'm a fucking Liverpool fan. This isn't a franchise bill. Once you pick your team or once your team picks you, that's it for life. No changing, no moving cities through good. Good and bad. Up the Reds, Billy Boy. Hey, I don't switch teams. Don't even fucking suggest that I do that, you fucking cunt. But yeah, I was going to pick Liverpool just because I like the Beatles. He was just trying to get you to switch to Liverpool. My favorite Beatles song of all time. Are we, we are. Isn't that them? Ah, we, we are the Beatles. All right. Views. Do you get into soccer at all?

A little bit. World Cup. World Cup. World Cup's kind of fun Except that one year That one year in Africa When they had those fucking horns What were those things? I don't know I didn't watch much of that

Dude that instrument If like a kazoo fucked a bagpipe And Yoko Ono played it All right Views on public speaking fees Hey Bill Longtime fan and listener And I always enjoy your point of view

One thanks Look at that He just went straight ahead Yeah there you go Anyways, was listening to the most recent Monday morning podcast, and I was surprised to hear your point of view on speaking fees, considering that you are in essence a public speaker. I guess that you have some understanding how much more money this is relative to other named acts. I would be curious to see how much money other famous people get to talk if you knew those without naming names. Apparently Obama gets 400 grand per speech.

No, I'm not a public speaker I'm a comedian Yeah You know I mean at that point Like somebody going like You know extra extra Read all about it

I don't like the ones I don't like motivational speakers Yeah There's a reason that someone's called A public speaker What do you mean? Why? It's because they're boring

And they're not funny You're called a comedian You're actually entertaining It's like TED Talk Yeah No my problem that I had With these guys Say like Obama

Where everybody's looking at this guy like he's a fucking saint. Yeah. He's doing what all of these guys do. They all go into public office. They say they're there for the people. And by the end of his administration, he was already worth $80 million when he was making like $4,500 a year.

But you're going to make some, I mean, everyone wants to make money. No. Yeah, but I mean, they should give the president, fuck you money. I'm not upset that he's making. It's the fact that I don't have the money to be like, hey, Obama, you know, hey, Trump, when you get in office, make sure the comedy club.

boys, his fresh calamari, his fucking 10 million bucks, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like they do, except they do it on a fucking global level. Is he asking how much performers get paid? I don't know what he's asking. I don't know what the fuck he's asking. On the flip side, should we even care how much money they get after they're out of office? Sir, yes, all you have to do.

How does the president get into office? How does he afford to get into office? He needs people to make campaign donations, all right? and when these fucking rich people make the donations and then after they're done and he does everything that they want to then they go on the tour that's them washing their bribe money

Hey I'm going to give you a $400,000 to give an hour long speech Yeah the whole Yeah it's filthy Yeah it's it's so fucking obvious That's what it is I'm not upset that this guy I'm not upset that anyone can go out

and make money It's just the fact that you got these guys They need $100 million dollars To get a job that pays four, five hundred grand a year. And before the, they're making 500 grand a year. And by the end of it, they're already worth like 80 million bucks. Like, how the fuck did that happen?

How does that happen? How does that happen? Someone should get to the bottom up. How the fuck does that happen? Because it's all fucking corrupt. That's my problem, sir. And I think the only true, like, really decent, like truly public servant that I've seen as a president in my lifetime was Jimmy Carter.

I'm not saying he didn't go on and do public speeches. and look up to that, but the guy has spent his fucking, his golden years where he could just be sitting there painting like fucking George Bush, you know, he could be out there tagging broads like Clinton. He's fucking building homes for the homes. Isn't he shaking hands on an airplane too? He's a fucking great dude. Is that the guy? Yeah. Yeah.

You know what's funny? You know what's funny? He was the most human, most humane guy I've seen. And he was considered to be an absolute pussy. But we know that's the truth. That's how it works. You can't be nice and not be considered a pussy. No, you can be, you can be a decent human being.

But the thing about it is, is he was nice enough when that whole fucking Iran shit, with the hostages went down. He settled that without getting dragged into a war. So he was considered a pussy because big business could have gone in there and made that money, you know? Yeah, that's kind of fucked up. And not have to wait for another event to go in there and try to get a bunch of fucking oil. Yeah. All right.

Cheating with a boyfriend. Ooh, I like these. Yeah, here we go. Here we go. Hey, Billy Burr, it's cold. So we fuck. No, no, no. That's making fun of my last thing.

Oh, okay. That takes me back to like grade school. All right. I'm a female. I got a lady writing in. By the way, dude, you're a fucking great guest, man. And you're a fucking great comedian. Oh, thank you.

You got to see Kevin Shea and listen to the old fuck. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. All I'm saying. All I'm saying. All I'm saying. No S. All I'm saying. And where are you performing next?

I'm at the Ice House Tuesday. Give me a fucking paid gig, man. Oh shit. West Palm Beach this weekend. But that's, I'm with Ken Jong. Ken John, all right, the guy from Hangover. Oh, there you go. There you go.

The improv? Yeah, West Palm Beach Impro. Improv. There you go. Come see me. Go to Kevinshay.com. Go to Kevinshay.com. Go to Kevinshay.com.

Some fucking white guy in upstate New York has Kevinshay. Oh, Kevinshay.tv. Yes. And go down, check him out. He's fucking hilarious. All right. Bill, I'm a female. This story isn't about me.

It's about my friend. That's a lie. I know. My friend wants to fuck around on her husband. Yeah, that's a fucking lie. We're in our early 20s and have been friends since high school. We've always been there for each other. And even though our friendship has been long, it has been long distance since then.

However, now we have a slight problem. She's been dating a guy for a year. and they've been budding heads lately. One night she got high with her roommate, who's a guy, and they started to kiss, and then, of course, one thing led to another. Apparently, her roommate has been having feelings for her for a long time and wants to be in a relationship with her instead of just banging her.

She broke up with her boyfriend using their conflicts as the reason instead of saying she cheated. We've all done that. Yeah, we lie. All three of them have been, have a bunch of mutual friends, so she wants to lay low on the fact that she cheated. She also wants to give her now ex-boyfriend time to heal Before he finds out

She's dating a roommate This is called being a class act Why bring extra hurt Right? Yeah, but why not? I mean, at this point, if she's feeling guilty, Just fucking say it. That's easy to say at our age

But when you're younger, when you're younger Yeah, okay. When you're younger, you don't know how to do it. She doesn't even know that it's obviously her That she's... All right, let's keep going here. I keep trying to try to tell her. tell her that it would be better to come clean about what she's done now than to wait it out.

I know whatever their gender, I know people in whatever their gender have the ability to cheat. Growing up, I've seen how being cheating on has affected people around me, including myself. I never thought that she would be the person to cheat. So my question is, I know people cheat, whatever, and then like now she's judging her. So my question is, how can I get it through her head and she needs to handle this situation better, but also be a good friend to her at the same time. If Nia is there and has any advice, it would be great. Thanks to go fucking yourself.

A second date problem. Oh, this is a different one. You know what? I think you need to butt out. Yeah. Okay. If we actually think this isn't about her, which I don't. I think it's about her.

And someone's saying that to her? Yeah, yeah. So if it's, if it's, if this is actually you. I don't think she would have worded it that way. I believe it. Okay. If we believe it, it's, it's, uh, none of your fucking business.

You know, people make mistakes. We're all human. You know what I mean? So if you're a good, this is the actual, if you're a real fucking friend, you wouldn't judge her. Can I tell you something?

Yeah. Once you get past the pain, she did you a favor. Yeah. Because, you know, you weren't married, you didn't have any fucking kids. You didn't have a house together

and all that. So who gives a fuck? And then, you know, they were already budding heads. They weren't getting along. It was the end. And they were 22. That,

it's already over relationship. and you go fuck somebody i mean it's like girls you know what that's like it's like an empty net goal you know i mean i mean i'll applaud it but i mean you know you didn't fake out a goalie that's it's garbage time they got all the starters on the bench it's garbage time it's garbage time fucking uh you know what you have you ever that's yeah i've done it i've done to me i found out later that she did to me i got man i was just like it gives a fuck it was over it was over it's more more than not whatever time you're in a relationship is It was over a half, like if you're in four years, it's been done for two years.

That makes sense. I would say a year and a half. Year and a half. Breakups just don't happen overnight. You don't wake up like, you know what I'm fucking out of here. You draw it out. You start to get distanced. You start fucking texting.

There should be a fucking course on how to break up. In high school. In high school. They should. They should teach young people out of do it. It would be so much better, I think, just so you don't fucking drag someone along. Or you don't. get dragged along. All you had to do is you just got to sit down. I mean one time I had to get out

of a relationship. I remember Steve Byrne had just got out of one. This was like fucking, you know, years ago. Years ago. 20, 25 years ago, right? And I literally asked him. I was like, what did you say? He goes, I just sat down and said, I just said, I'm not happy. That's what he started with. And I've given that advice on here because I used that. I don't ever told him that. I just fucking used it. I don't like that. I don't like that. I need to. We need to. We need. We need. I'm just not like... Yeah. I just, you know, it's

just not working. It just doesn't feel right. I'm not happy. Yeah. And this is a thing, but this is a thing. You have to get it all out. Yeah.

And I think we should break up. And you got, like, I think you just go, boom, boom, boom. It's like monkey bars. Boom, boom, boom. Yeah.

Get across it. And then you say, you're going to break up? And she's going to drag you through it like 50 fucking times. It's like lying to the cops. You just stick to your fucking story. Yeah, but that whole,

I'm not happy. I've heard it and I've said it, it usually drags out for seven more months. No. It does. No, but that's you. No. We're not happy.

It's not working out. We need to break up. You know, I want to break up. What the fuck? It's done. Yeah. No, I get it.

I get it. But it never works that way. Usually the other person is like, no, we can work this out. Then that's when you have to go Al Madrigal. Listen, if you're living together. Yeah. If you're living together.

It's hard. Then it's hard. If you're not living together, you have to go Al Madrigal. What, what, now or no. Al never told you that? No, I want to know. Dude, Al had a breakup one time. This chick had some shit at his house.

He knew he was going to break up with her. Before he broke up, he said, he told her, hey, I'm going to come over tonight. I think we need to talk about some things. So she's like, oh, okay. He fucking got a box, packed all his shit up that was at his apartment, walked over, set the box down and said, we got to break up. It's not working. Dude, it was fucking clean.

Yeah. Over. That's easy for Al because Al's a fucking maniac. Like he does, he, when he has his life. But you can learn for maniacs. No, I love maniacs. I'm kind of a maniac. I am kind of a maniac. I'm a psycho.

When it comes to breaking up, they've never been good. No, they're never good. That's why you got to get through it. If you live with them, it's harder. If you don't live with them, it's easy. And that's why people fucking hang in and then they start cheating and they're doing all of this fucking shit because they're basically mentally broken up. So that woman there essentially didn't even, like, as far as like an emotional level,

yeah, didn't fucking, on a physical level she cheated, but on an emotional level, she didn't, because she already fucking broke up with the guy. She was done. Yeah. I find that when women are done, they're done. Here's one. Here's one when you know the other person was already fucking other people. Okay.

When you, someone breaks up with you and they're not even crying, like, that means they already cried it out with their fucking friends. They got no tears left and it's just like, wow, man, this. How long is this shit been over? You know, I've never cried at a breakup. I can't. Well, guys don't cry. They get mad. All the girl, all my ex-girlfriend, all my ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, they're like, they cry.

They cry. I was like, because they're fucking. I was going to say the other words, so I'm glad I didn't. But this is, I would have known what you meant. This is how I know. This is how I know when it's done when they don't kiss you goodbye in the morning. Because I don't get up for work. This is how I know it's done.

When they're mad at you and you don't give a fuck. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, and then they come in and they start doing the cold shoulder thing. And they're not fucking you. It's just like, good. Good.

No, you're right. You're right. Because then you start getting more productive because you got so much mental time. There's nothing worse than getting dumped. But if you're the one breaking up with some. Dude, I've been on both sides. Yeah. I've broken hearts of having.

my heart broken. It's brutal. It's brutal. I think that's why I'm so numb to it all now. Yeah. Just fucking numb. Oh, no. I already know.

If my marriage never worked out, I would never get married again. And I would just give my wife fucking everything. And then I'll just go live in a fucking trailer. My buddy. I'm not doing it again. I'm not getting on the fucking ride again. Yeah. That's it.

Now, just fucking wherever she lives, I'll just drive the trailer down the street so I can still see my kid. You can send in one of those AirPods. You ever see those things? I would get a fucking... I'd buy one of those VW buses. No, I get a studio. I get all the sports packages. That would be it.

I don't... Electronic drum kit. I just go back to what the fuck I had... I'm actually shocked that you got married, to be honest with you. Best thing I ever did. One is great, but it's weird. I don't know. I don't know if I'm ever getting married, to be honest.

It's like I want to get married, but I don't know if I'm too... You'll do it when you're ready. Yeah. 42 I was. I got married at 45. I got three more years. It's great. And then all of a sudden, I'm like five years in.

I'm already going to turn 50. What the fuck am I going? Where am I going? What am I going? Go back to fucking the club? Hey, ladies. You're looking for a bald redhead? Oh, God.

It's so sad. I see comics like that. I don't want to mention any names, but when you see it. Oh, believe me, dude, that was a motivation. I'm not going to be the cliche. Yeah, it's so fucking sad. I was like, oh, God. I don't, oh, it's so sad.

I don't like dating. I don't know. I don't, I can't tell you, I haven't dated since I started doing stand-up, really, if that makes any sense. Like, I meet girls and then we just start hanging out, and then I end up picking them. That sounds weird. You start what? We start hanging out, and then I just picked them. I was like, oh, this is the one.

I'm going to hang out with this one for a while. Do they know that's what you're doing? I don't know if they do. Yeah, you need to just, listen, the best thing I haven't fucking learned is you just got to fucking say what you're thinking. Yeah, yeah. You know, that's one of the reason most of the women that I date. like me because I pretty much say what I'm thinking. That's all. How happy would you be

if a woman did that? It'd be fucking amazing. I'm not saying like, hey, you look ugly today. I'm not saying that, but I mean like, you know, don't be mean, but like just say, dude, I'm in one time. The watershed moment. My relationship was, one of her friends was having a fucking birthday party.

Yeah. Right? The same night, the Celtics and Lakers were playing like game six of the NBA finals. Okay? She's like, what are you doing Tuesday? Right? She doesn't talk like that. That's just how it sounds in my head. So she's like What are you doing Tuesday? So I'm like

I'm watching the game She's like Does the pouty face You know the manipulation starts I hate the sexy voice And then the pout right So she's already tried two fucking tactics And not only is a friend

Having a birthday party It's like some fucking 1920s themed birthday party So I have to buy a fucking costume Like a flapper? Yeah I get dressed like I'm in the purple gang Or some shit, right? So she goes, do you want to go?

And I just, I said no. I like that. I like that. Yeah. She goes, what do you mean? No. She goes, why not? I go, that sounds horrific.

Yeah. She goes, she laughed. She goes, what do you mean? She goes, she's a friend to you. I go, no, she isn't. I go, she's your friend. I've become friendly with her because you know her. Yeah.

But she's not my friend. I was sick this week. She didn't know. She didn't. call she's not my friend and I just kept I just kept saying no and the more I said no the more she thought it was funny but she got frustrated and then she just started laughing I got I'm not going fucking down there dressed like Charlie Chaplin I want to watch this game I don't want to fucking do this so then she was she goes can't she just she goes well what time does the game start

I go you're such a asshole yeah yeah so now I got to go to this fucking party and then I just made it compromise I said all right the game fucking starts. Are you wet? Whatever. I said, here's the deal. I go, I will drive you there. I will make an appearance. I'm not dressing up and I'm leaving with plenty of fucking time to get back. Yeah. So before the game starts. Yeah. All right. And I don't want to hear you going, I don't want to hear that. Once again, that's not how she sounds. That's how she sounds when she said shit like that. So she said, fine. So I fucking show up. I drop this thing off and I show up.

And there's all these fucking guys there dressed like fucking Charlie Chaplin and Al Capone and shit and I come walking in with like a fucking Celtic shirt on dressed all regular. They're like, hey, you didn't dress up? I said, no, no, I'm getting out of here in like 10 minutes. And they go, where are you going? I go, I'm going to watch the Celtics game, man. It's the finals. That's fucking hilarious.

And I remember the look on their faces. And I was thinking, yeah, I felt awesome. I bet they were so jealous. Dude, you know what? Do you know how many times I've been the guy in the fucking chaplain outfit? You know what? I've always been pretty hard about saying no. Like, I'll just say no.

You know what I mean? But then I'm pretty good about compromise, though, if they want to do something important to them. So as long as I get to do what I want, and then if they have something. No, I have a bunch of compromises. I have the, okay, but you're driving and I'm drinking. I'll go to brunch. If you drive and I can drink. That's the thing.

You know, that is the one thing. I still don't do brunch. Yeah, that's the one thing I fucking. Every time there's a line and then they walk. There's a line. And then they walk and they come on, they go, it's going to be 40 minutes. Is that all right? Dude.

No, it's not all right. This is my fucking day too. And it's a Sunday. What the fuck? It's a someday. I'm actually going to get pissed. Dude, what the fuck do we take them to on a weekend when we walk out and be like, if they said it's going to be 40 minutes?

They would lose their shit. Oh, they would lose their fucking shit. They would pout. They would pout. All right. Do I have time to read? How far into this are we? Fuck.

All right. Hour and 20. We got to wrap this up. I'll read the rest of these some other time. Kevin, this was effortless. Oh, thank you. You're fucking hilarious. You're effortlessly funny, and everybody should go out to the improv and West Palm Beach.

More importantly, listen to the podcast. And listen to the podcast. All I'm saying. All I'm saying podcast with Kevin Shea. One of the funniest dudes for the longest fucking time. All right, everybody. Go fuck yourselves. And I'll check in on you on Thursday.