Monday Morning Podcast - Jet Lag, The Pretenders, Wimbelton | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-11-25

Episode Date: July 11, 2025

Bill rambles about jet lag, playing with The Pretenders, and Wimbelton. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (47:20) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 7-11-17 - Bill rambles about Dr Phil, Hitler's House, and his new drum kit. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Night Moves - Ring My Bell SimpliSafe:  Go to www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR to claim 50% off a new system with a professional monitoring plan and get your first month free. HelixSleep:  Go to www.HelixSleep.com/BURR for 27% Off Sitewide

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in Checking in on you What's going on? How you been? Oh my god. I feel like I haven't talked to you guys in forever Sorry, I just been traveling like a maniac and I am not, I don't know, I haven't been sleeping well. I haven't been sleeping well and I'm drinking coffee because that's the only thing I have left and that's like not helping obviously with me sleeping, but like you know, what

am I supposed to do? I'm traveling and I want to see what people's coffee tastes like You know you like how you guys didn't say like hey bill. How come you're not sleeping I'm actually kind of like giving you guys shit like you said bill. What the fuck. Why don't you sleep more? Why are you drinking so much coffee? Anyway, how do I get caught up here? Anyway, how do I get caught up here? All right, so I went to, by the way, I just fucking woke up

and it's five in the afternoon, 5.09 in the afternoon. I finally just decided I'm not fighting fucking jet lag anymore at my age. I'm not doing this shit where I stay up or try to make myself go to sleep. I'm just gonna fucking, if I get tired, I'm going to sleep. Eventually this shit will work itself out or it doesn't. And if it doesn't, when I go back to the States,

I don't have to fucking worry about trying to get acclimated. You know? I learned that trick by, I worked with Dom Irerra like 10 years ago or something like that in Australia, and I was like oh man. I'm so fucking jet-lagged He goes on that he goes. I just fucking if I'm tired. I just go to sleep. He's like. I don't give a shit If I'm up till four in the morning. I don't give a fuck and I'm like Yeah, that's right. What am I fucking trying to go to Disneyland out here? I'm not, I work nights anyway.

What am I doing? I don't get along with day people. I used to be a day person. I used to be a morning person. You know, I had a fucking paper route, you know? And then once I got into doing stand, I always, when I was a kid, sleeping in was seven a.m. If you can believe, oh man, how old do I sound now?

Oh, let me tell you, kid, something. Oh, when I was a kid, why is this thing redlining? Oh, I guess I have the volume all the way up. That'll do it. Anyway, yeah, weekday, the paper had to be there before 7 a.m. so I'd get up at a quarter to six and then on the weekends it had to be there by eight in the morning so I could get up at seven. Oh my God, that was incredible.

Seven a.m. and no school. Little Billy Byrne, his fucking bicycle and his bag of papers, riding down the street, all freckled and dumb, thinking he was gonna go to Notre Dame and go to law school and become a lawyer. That's what I thought was gonna happen. That's not what happened. It's not even remotely what happened. Anyway, and then once I got into, you know, fucking doing stand up and shit, it completely flipped.

And then I had kids and then it went back. I don't know. I don't know. I'm fucking jet lagged people. I'm gonna be babbling a lot on this. So anyway, I went to London. I can't believe I hadn't been there since I did Paper Tiger back in 2019. I thought it'd only been like three years.

It was six, so can't do that again. So I went there and had an absolutely Amazing amazing time first of all, I Don't know where to start I played the Odeon the Hammersmith the Apollo whatever they call it Which I've always loved because it's it's like there's like a fucking highway like elevated like you could jump off the highway onto the venue. And that venue I played a long time ago,

and you can probably find the podcast whenever it was. It was like probably early last decade. Yeah, Bill, that's what the fuck we wanna do. Sift through all of your fucking well, maybe you can look up when I played there if they have that information, I have no idea and then he could sync it up with the podcast and I guarantee you I was thinking what I was thinking this last time I did it two nights ago was whenever I go into that venue. I Am sorry, I'm fucking dehydrated here No, I have not been smoking still have not smoked a cigar since January Still fucking going. I'm not saying I've quit him forever, but I'm just taking this fucking extended break

My daughter said I could have a few when I'm in Italy But then I'm in Italy. But then I'm thinking like, do I wanna start back up again and then have to go through quitting? That's my thing. It's not the starting, it's the quitting. I just don't wanna go through. That's how I stopped drinking.

I didn't stop drinking because I was just like, you know what, this is it. My fucking life is out of control. Da da da da da, and all of that shit. I mean, there was aspects of that that was true, but it was more just like, I don't wanna, I just don't wanna go through quitting again. I don't wanna be Billy Boo's face.

I don't wanna wake up hungover. I don't wanna go through this shit again. Fucking tired, man. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm fucking tired, man. So anyway, so here was the deal.

It was for Glenn Tipton's foundation to help find a cure for Parkinson's. And it was a gig that I was gonna do a long time ago before COVID and then COVID happened. And then I had a son and then we did old dads and all that shit I was saying on Monday on the Monday morning podcast. So it finally happened. And then simultaneously for over the years. Chrissy Hein, who the first time I met her, she came to see me at that gig at Hammersmith,

but she didn't come backstage because we didn't know each other and she thought it would be weird. But when I did Royal Albert, that's the first time I met her. So we would, I was telling her, I, you know, I was a failed drummer and all of that. And we were talking about first concerts, which is so amazing. I told her about Judas Priest and my parents were there. my mother was saying how her first concert she, my mother saw Elvis Presley before he was famous in Sarasota, Florida doing five show sets in this little theater in Sarasota. She saw him in like three in the afternoon in a half filled house and like three weeks later he did like, and like three weeks later, he did like, no, not three weeks later, like three months later, he did the Ed Sullivan show.

And I looked the whole fucking thing up. He had a gig in Sarasota in like February, and I think July, he did Ed Sullivan. I haven't looked it up in a while. And she was telling all the kids at school that she saw him, and they're like, yeah, no, you didn't see him. She goes, I'm telling you, I saw the guy the guy so anyway Chrissy was obviously enjoying that story and

Through talking to her about that You know We came up with an idea one time like we both like playing smaller places and shit. She goes Just for the fun of it. She goes we should we should just do like a comedy music night one night whatever it is or maybe do a couple of dates go through England and maybe you could sit in on drums you know on a couple of songs and I was like fucking twist my arm I would do that in a second and England's a really really gorgeous country when you go in in, London's great and everything, but once you get outside of London,

you need to get more like in between their major cities and everything. It's a really peaceful place, at least visiting. I know they get the shit taxed out of them, so that's not too peaceful. But I do remember doing one of these runs leading up to Royal Albert that I was with one of the promoters

and on the way to a gig, we were going by his hometown and also his favorite place to get fish and chips. And I'm like, that's your favorite place to get that? He goes, yeah, I go, dude, we're fucking going there. So we went, we got fish and chips and then we sat by this little fucking stream that had these locks in it, you know what I mean? Like you're going through the Panama Canal,

but it was small and these little boats and shit. We just fucking sat there on a bench eating fish and chips as he was telling me stories about growing up there. And it was like a perfect sunny day but not hot. And I remember while it was happening, I was going like, I need to do shit like this when I'm on the fucking road. So my brain isn't going 90 million miles an hour.

So anyway, so that's what I was thinking when Chrissy was saying we should go do a run of dates, I was like, oh my God, you know, fucking talk to locals, find out where they eat. I'll do that and I'll sit by little streams and maybe I won't be such a fucking angry lunatic. I'll start playing the flute, sitting next to the streams and then I'll fucking meet Robert Plant

and he'll write some fucking lyrics about it. There's a ginger I know, um, who's got no fucking flow, but he still plays the drums with some people. Um, anyway, uh, so all of that shit led up to what happened two nights ago. I finally get to do the benefit. And it was basically Bianca, Chris DeVau, Adam Rowe, myself, all doing standup, and then in the end the pretenders came out and we, and you know, they did a set.

So, I go down there, right? And I'm supposed to, we're supposed to do like fucking three songs. Oh, forget, I'm fucking this up. I land in England, drop my bags at the hotel and immediately go to this rehearsal space to run these songs and we were basically playing and Chrissy picked out the songs

based on you know her listening to my act and concerts she'd been she'd been to so she picked ace of spades motor Motorhead, because she saw Motorhead at that venue years and years and years ago. Then she picked Honey, What Do You Do For Money by ACDC, because I always do bits about gold digging whores. And then she picked Breaking the Law because of Glen Tipton. So we went in and I got into the rehearsal space, fucking jet-legged, and

met the two other guys I was going to be playing with, Dave Page on bass, bass player, and James Walburn on guitar, and they could not have been cooler. They were fucking amazing musicians. They were so fucking great. And they were also just like so chilled, so fucking cool and so welcoming. I was kind of worried I was going to be getting the look like, you know, Chrissy is this the jerk off we have to be fucking be playing with? But it wasn't like that at all they were all you know just came in just everybody was vibing shooting the shit we sat down we played ace of spades that went well we all looked around oh man that was pretty good all right let's do the AC DC one you know I grew up playing to that so that one went good and then we did breaking the law. And she will turn around. She was like,

not bad, not bad. You know, sat down and shot the shit a little bit. She goes, you want to do them again? I said, all right, so we did them again. And we kind of looked around like, yeah, yeah, you know, we're gonna fuck up here or there. But I think it's gonna be fun. So she's like, all right, cool. Well, you know, we'll run them again tomorrow at sound check. So I say, fine. So, and I fucking go home. I'm up to like four or five in the morning.

I finally fall asleep. I wake up at like one or two in the afternoon and I get a text message because they put the pretenderers name on the marquee. First we put Chrissy's name up there and she's like, I don't want my name on the marquee. So we said, Bill Burr and the pretenders. So then she saw it and she's like, well, fuck, now we got to do a pretenders song. You know, do you want to do it? I know it's last second.

Why don't we do, don't get me wrong. And I was sleeping through all of that. And she's like, hey, if you don't wanna do it, it's no big deal. Yeah, and then just, hey, you know, fuck it, forget it. We'll just do the three. So then I woke up and I read all of that. And I was just like, hey, you know, let's try it. It's soundcheck. If it's a train wreck, we won't do just like, hey, you know, let's try it at Soundcheck.

If it's a train wreck, we won't do it. If it sounds all right, let's fucking do it. So she goes, all right, that's the rock and roll spirit. Let's fucking do it. So we went down and I get to the venue and going back to what I was saying earlier back in like 2011 or 2012 when I played it, I always have the exact same memory when I walk in there and there's a there's this great great concert film of

Iron Maiden on the killer's tour with Clive Burr on drums I Was talking about it Monday on the podcast and that's what I think about when I walk in there the place looks when I walk in there, the place looks almost like the exact same. And there's actually footage of a picture of John Lennon standing there. I guess the Beatles did a run of dates there. The fucking Beatles did a run of dates there in like 1964.

And they have a picture of him standing right in the doorway to dressing room number two, which is where I was. And you look, you know, some things have changed, but the door frame is the same. And there was something in the top of the door jam that almost looked like a circle piece of copper, almost like a door lock. I don't know what, it was right in the middle

of the door jam. And I see it in the John Lennon photo, it's exposed and you can see it. And then I looked up at the, because they have the photo right next to the door jam. And I look up and I see it's been painted over, but you can still see it. I'm like, that's the same, like he fucking leaned

against this, maybe this is unbelievable. And then I walk out there and when I look out into the crowd, all I see, even when I'm doing stand up, over and over and over again is this memory I have of the crowd that came to see Maiden that night, which was, it's arguably the coolest looking crowd I've seen at a fucking concert venue because it's when metal was like,

it was before it became hair metal and glam and everybody teased their shit up and guys were in lipstick and it was like mainstream. So it became like a formula. This was like 82 and everybody showed up. It was like the Ramones look, you know what I mean? It was just blue jeans, fucking leather jacket, long hair, and you just had long hair. You didn't fucking bedazzle it

or whatever the fuck it turned to. You just had long hair, black leather jacket, jeans, Converse All Stars and fucking Marlboro Reds and everybody and whatever booze and drugs you did and when I went out that's what I would be thinking so anyway we run the song we don't get me wrong and that's when I first started being like what the fuck am I doing right now? Cause it was one thing to hear Chrissy sing

those other songs, but when she sang her own song, it was really like, wow, that's fucking Chrissy Hyams. This is the pretenders. What the, what is this right now? Why did I say yes to this? I'm gonna fuck this up like you fucking read about. So anyway, we went through soundcheck and we, and we, we did, don't't Get Me Wrong at the front and

then the end. So we just decided we were going to keep the order the same and then we would end with Don't Get Me Wrong, her song. So all right, you know, and I go back to the dressing room and I sit down, I'm kind of thinking about my set and shit, and then, but in the back of my head I'm like, why do I do shit like this? Like this is not, it's getting anxiety.

I mean, I totally wanna do it and I know I can do it, but there's like that, why the fuck, you know, you could've just come here and do what you do and you could just get the fuck outta here and then it could just be that, right no no no so yeah I want a little Will Smith you know I bite off more than I can chew and then I chew it Oh my god. Watching people making fun of that has been so, you know, I hate when another performer gets trashed, but just that one killed me. Anyway, plowing head. So the show starts, Bianca goes out, fucking murders, right?

As she always does. And then Adam goes out, and then he goes to another level. He slays, right? So the show is building. I mean, the two of them had me like pacing backstage going like, oh fuck, I knew we were doing a show. I didn't know we were doing a show. Okay, here we go.

So then I went out there. Of course, the first thing I tried only did okay. And I'm like were doing a show. I didn't know we were doing a show. Okay, here we go. So then I went out there. Of course, the first thing I tried only did okay. And I'm like, ah, fuck, am I gonna, I'm that guy in this show? You know, everyone was good except that one guy. I was like, I'm gonna be me, you know? But fortunately, I was able to turn it around and just fucking crush for the first 45 minutes and then I couldn't

remember any more of my jokes. So when I can't remember my jokes, I go into saunter mode. I start sauntering on the stage acting like I'm relaxed as I'm really searching like what the fuck did I used to talk about? And then I'm also talking myself down going like, no Bill, this is part of the process. You just did a play for four or five months. You're not gonna be able to remember your jokes. The things, the moments like this are going to happen.

You're gonna remember something, things are gonna pass, just relax. That's half my brain. The other half of my brain is going like, am I gonna have to just say good night right now? Cause I can't remember a fucking thing I was talking about. So anyway, while I'm doing that, I saunter. I don't walk, I don't trot.

I saunter over to the stool where I had a set list written down, but it was at the beginning, so I had done most of the jokes. And I went over there, but there's always some bit that I go, oh yeah, that, that, let's fucking do that. Which then led to other things, and then I was fine. So ended up going great, I said goodnight, and we were like, take a 15 minute break, and the pretendersers are coming out and I haven't told anybody that I was gonna be playing

Drums, I don't think unless listen to the podcast. I can't remember if I brought it up or not It was like a secret, but not a secret. I don't fucking know. So anyway, the pretenders come walking out After 15 minutes Everybody's cheering and everything and they did the whole bit of like yeah, we're gonna play out But you know, but our drummer couldn't show up. So we actually we got a substitute Think he's back there blah blah blah. I already had my earplugs in so I missed my cue to when to walk out She's finally like Bill get out here. So I fucking walk out Old Billy ears ringing right so I fucking went out there and

And we just fucking went into it. And oh, by the way, while I'm waiting to go on stage, they put a little dry ice out there, so they gave it some atmosphere and it was looking like, the venue was looking like when Maiden played and Clive Burr, Rest of Soul, was playing with them. And I was just like, the venue was looking like when Maiden played and Clive Burr, rest his soul, was playing with them and I was just like, what the fuck? So I went out there, but fortunately, because of Josh Adam Myers and everybody else

that have let me play drums on their shows and sit in with their bands, I've done it enough times where I went out there and I wasn't nervous and Chrissy was like, we should have a live mic back there so you can talk to the crowd between songs. Which ended up being the perfect thing because I came out and I immediately let everybody know

that this was just a fun thing. Like I came out and I said, ah, you see that? You thought this was a benefit for Glenn Tipton's Parkinson's Parkinson's Foundation. I go, I lied to you. I go, this was Billy, make a wish night or did something like that. And I acted like the whole night was, um, was all bullshit just so I could sit down and play drums. I can't really remember because I still can't believe I got to play with that band. So a little lot of this is a blur, but I remember it got a big laugh. And then also I felt like put the crowd at ease where they don't have to be like, wait a minute, does Bill actually think he's like good, you know, like good enough to like do

this? Like I had to make a joke so everybody knew like, Hey, I know this is like some make-wish shit, right? And so everyone can relax be like, alright, this is this is fun Now I feel like I can I can watch this this aspect of it not the professionals up front, so Yeah, we did we did all of those songs and and Chrissy was hilarious the band sound amazing We did ace of Spades and then we did ACDC Honey, What Do You Do For Money, as I mentioned. And Chrissy gave that a great intro. She said, I picked this song because of Bill's love of gold digging

whores. So that got a big laugh. Everyone was loose. It just sounded amazing. And then we do Breaking the Law. And you know, Ace of Spades and Breaking the Law both have these little breakdown things, you know, where shit could have gone off the rails. But thank God when I was doing Glengarry Glen Ross, I played the songs every night. After my characters, you know, told everybody to go fuck themselves and there was still a half hour left in the play. I would go downstairs and I would just play them. So I didn't have to count or anything. They were sort of like, the songs felt like, you know, a little pair of shoes at that point. So I was definitely looking over at Dave and James to make sure I didn't fuck that up though. So anyway, now we go to go into the pretenders thing and I'm like thinking in my head like,

wow, this is going really good. Like I, you know, I fucked up on every song, but not, I've been, you know, not like noticeably, I hope. Anyway, so we go to go to the last one and I count off the fucking song. And, oh no, wait, I went to count off, honey, what do you do for money? I forgot to count off the fucking song and uh oh no wait I went to count off honey what do you do for money I forgot to count off the band I just started playing the song and then I had this like I just smashed the first symbol and nobody did anything and then I

went like oh yeah that's right I have to count you guys in that got a big laugh so it was like fun it was like the song sounded good but then there was still comedy in between it was fucking perfect So we go to do the last song And all I'm thinking is like oh my god this went fucking perfect Now all I got to do is get through this song, but I mean, you know We've only literally started playing it like an hour ago Just don't fuck this up and we'll be good so I count off the the song, train wreck, count it off again, train wreck,

count off a third time train and they're like, they're like, what are you doing? And like, I was counting off the wrong song in my head for some reason, because I hadn't rehearsed the song. I was counting off. What song was that? I'm special, so special, I gotta have some. That's what I was counting off, and I was supposed to be counting off, don't get me. Bro. So Chrissy goes, what fucking song are you doing?

And I go special. She goes, she's like, we're not doing that she goes you know we could do that song if you want I'm precious sorry special I am special Lamora I'm precious so dude I'm so fucking jet-lagged I can't remember the names of lyrics so I go I'm doing precious and she goes we're not doing that song she's like we could do it if you want I go no I'm doing Precious and she goes, we're not doing that song. She's like, we could do it if you want. I go, no, why don't we do the one that we're supposed to do? So that James literally had to come over,

count the song off and sing the filk so I could remember it. Then we went into it and then it went great. It was like a big laugh and all of that. went great. It was like a big laugh and all of that. No, wait, it is special. Dude, this is like where my brain is like I've got no fucking sleep. I've gotten like three hours sleep in the last two nights. Oh my god. Yeah, so that's what my brain was doing, is I'm trying to count off this fucking song. Not only am I counting off the wrong song,

I can't remember the fucking, Brass in Pocket is the song that I was fucking counting off. And we're supposed to be doing Don't Get Me Wrong. And so I'm humming the song in my head, probably with the wrong lyrics and yeah, so it was Anyway

so we end up doing it and It ends up going great and that was like And that was like the end of the show and then we had to we had this great hang after. And I had some friends there that came out and they were all laughing about me counting off the wrong song and all that shit. And I don't know. And then I like, and I played it cool the whole time. Oh yeah yeah, you know fucking went great fucking went great or whatever and I ended up hanging and then we left and

We went out and we got some Lebanese food, which was fucking unbelievable This Lebanese restaurant. I got to get the name of it. Oh, by the way, and around the corner from the venue was this Australian coffee shop, which I can't tell if it was the best coffee I've ever had in my life, or if the milk in my country is so fucking poisoned to actually taste what milk is supposed to taste like. Either way, it was a fucking unbelievable cup of coffee.

Like if you're standing underneath the marquee and you have your back to it, if you go to the right, there's an Australian coffee place there and it was fucking amazing. So anyway, later on that night we go, we get Lebanese food. And I fucking, I was kinda laughing at Kenny going like,

wow, I think that sounded all right. And he was like, oh, you did very well. It was very blah, blah, blah, you know? And we finished eating, and then we walked back to the hotel and I got in the elevator and the elevator door was closed and I go, all right Kenny, you're gonna have to deal with this and I started jumping up and down in the elevator going, I fucking played drums

with the pretenders at the Odeon. I fucking played drums with the pretenders. He just started laughing. I was like, woo! So, anyway. That was the first stop on the tour here. I am in Abu Dhabi now. And I have tonight off,

tonight, which is basically in another hour, it'll be nighttime I think. I'm excited to do this gig. I had such a great time the last time I was here. The crowd was friggin' amazing. And I don't know, I don't know if you guys know what that's like to, you fucking, I don't know if you guys know what that's like to fucking, I don't know, to go on stage in different countries is such an amazing experience.

To just see people like you're on the other side of the fucking world and they actually know what you do and they appreciate it. It's like, I don't know. Like the last time I was here, you know, I'd never gone, you know, I'd done Tel Aviv, you know, but it was like English speaking there, right? I know they speak Israeli too, but they speak enough English or whatever. So I had no idea what this was gonna be like.

And I came out here and I immediately loved the people. The food is incredible. And they treated me great and everything. And then I went on stage and what's so fun about doing standup is you can learn so much about whatever state you're in, whatever country you're in, whatever city you're in, just by how people react to different jokes, what they laugh at, what they think is funny and everything.

You don't even realize you're gaining all of this information that kind of opening up to you by the way they laugh. And that was the thing that I remembered most. Other than, And that was the thing that I remembered most. Other than, I met one of the Royals afterwards, and they were like, that's great, we gotta have you back. And I said, all right, just don't have me back

in the summertime, because it was ungodly hot. It was August. So of course, they had me back in July. But I will say, it's not bad. It's like, it feels like it's like in the 80s. So it's not bad at all. So I mean, when I was coming out of the airport, they built this whole new beautiful airport.

And as I was coming out, I was worried that it was gonna be like 120 degrees out or something like that, but it wasn't. It came out, I was like, oh shit, it's actually really nice out. And then that's but it wasn't it came out was like oh shit. It's actually really nice out And then that's it and then I came to the hotel and I just slept for like fucking nine hours So now I'm talking to you. All right, so you guys are all caught up. Let me Let me do oh and I forgot dude, this is how fucking nuts my life was the next morning I got like three hours sleep and I woke up and I went to Wimbledon

You guys gonna be hating me after this fucking podcast. Like who is this fucking cunt? Yeah, I had to fucking make a wish fucking day. 24 hours, I went to Wimbledon, Center Court, saw the American, Amanda Anishmo, Anis, Anis, An, I can't say it, Anisimova. Anis, Anis, I can't say it. An, Anisimova. Anisimova. These kids today with their names.

Beat Arena Sabalenka. And we were sitting center court underneath the fucking roof so we didn't have to deal with the sun. This is gonna be a long podcast. I don't give a fuck, it's a day late anyway. We're there and like, it's the middle of the sun. This is gonna be a long podcast. I don't give a fuck. It's a day late anyway. We're there and like, it's the middle of the match. So Savalinka is the number one player. I don't know if in the world ranking or at least at Wimbledon was she had the number one next to her name and then Amanda was like ranked 13th. And so we're watching the first set

and all of a sudden there's like this pause in the play and Savalinka runs over to her chair, grabs a bottle of water and brings it over and somebody went down in the crowd like it was hot as shit. And you know, there's all those old people that, you know, have the good seats that sit around, you know, down near center court,

and they were just baking in the sun, you know? I'm assuming it was an English person that's as pasty as me, and we're just not built for it. And like three people came over, there was a giant umbrella there was water there was all of that that happened two times during the match like somebody just fucking went down and then we were fucking underneath the roof it was fucking amazing so Amanda wins the first set 6-4.

Alright. But I can feel the crowd is really pulling for Savalinka, right? They're mainly on her side. She's the number one player and everything. And they're also like, I feel like in general, they always cheer on whoever lost the first set because people want to see three sets. They want to see the full thing. So, you know, Sabalinka comes back, breaks Amanda,

and then she wins the second set, I believe, 6-4. So it's 6-4, 4-6. Now we go into the last one. And I'm sitting there Talking to Bianca and Kenny I go this is the difference This is the difference between the number one player and the number 13 13 player The number one player in the world can shake off losing a set can shake off having their serve broken can have their serve can have the match on their racket and fucking be cool as a cucumber and not double fault and fucking forfeit a game and then get in their head and then fucking not forfeit a game lose a game and then you know

Everything the wall start closing in right? The exact opposite thing happening What's her face Amanda broker twice and What's her face? Amanda broke her twice. And at one point was up five to two, I think. And had the match on her racket. No, wait, and then it became five, three. Then she had the match on her racket.

She lost the game. Arena broke her serve. So then it was six, four. And I'm like, fuck, Arena's gonna win this game because she's serving. And then it's gonna be six, five. And then now it's gonna be, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Not six, it was five.

Oh, Jesus, Billy and fucking math. Oh Jesus, Billy in fucking math. Yeah, it was 5-4, that's what it was. And Arena was serving to maybe make it 5-5, I think. And I was like, oh fuck. Like then it's gonna have to go 7-5, then it might go tiebreaker and all of that. And the American, Amanda's not gonna win. And instead she broke her serve to win at six four,

I believe I didn't have my glasses. So I was squinting a lot to try to see what was going on. And, oh my God, we got to see that. And not even to, not even to mention to like, when I came up the stairs and actually saw center court, like I've been watching that since I was a kid.

I'm not gonna lie to you, since I started doing standup for the last 30 something years, I only catch it once every like three, four years, it seems, and with the kids. But I used to watch it every year, Dick Enberg, Breakfast at Wimbledon. I watched the whole fucking John McEnroe, Bjorn Borg era, into, you know, Bjorn Borg always won and then

McEnroe was winning. And then it was, oh, God, who won Boris Becker? I remember he won. I remember that blew my mind in 85 because he was my age. We both 17. All of these guys, Goren, even Istvich, can he win it? Oh, who was that guy? He used to always wear the hat. He used to look like Phil Simms, Curry, and then Pete Samford, when Pete Samford's, what's his, Andre Agassi,

Michael Chang, all of those fucking guys. He used to watch all of that. And then of course, Chris Everett Lloyd into, what's her face? So she told her to work out. Martina Navichalova, Monica Sellers, Gabriella Sabatini. I used to watch all of that shit.

All of that shit. Monica Sellers, yeah, Monica Sellers, Monica Sellers, yeah, Monica Sellers, right through to the Williams sisters. Yeah, I watched right through like 2000, I think. Pete Sanford's career, that's right, that's right. And then once What's His Face came in, the Swedish kid, that's when I really was like on the road and I had no manager or no agent

and I was just fucking those were the dark years Federer Federoff Roger Federoff I missed all of that shit he's only one of the greatest tennis players of all time I kind of missed all of that so anyway so coming up those stairs and actually seeing that venue like fucking blew my mind I still can't believe I got to do it. I did it really quickly. I watched one match and then had to get on a plane to go to come here to Abu Dhabi, but I definitely, I felt super guilty because I wasn't there with my lovely wife. And we've been to the Australian Open and Roland Garros in France. So she's like, what the fuck?

You gonna go to that with you? She's breaking my balls. Gonna go to that? I go, I promise we'll come back next year, we'll do it. So hopefully I can make that happen. All right, I'm done babbling. Let's go here. Simply Safe, everybody.

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for list 27% off site wide no comma there just fucking me Exclusive for listeners of Bill Burr's Monday morning podcast. That's helix sleep.com slash burr for 27% off site wide Helix calm slash burr there you go All right That is the podcast everyone. I wanted to read this really quickly for anybody else in MotoGP You can't understand why if Peco Benyai is riding a factory Ducati like Marc Marquez Why he's having problems?

even with Alex Hey Billy Ball tires. I'm just a schmo who does a few track days a year and watches MotoGP, but let me take a shot at Pecos problems. This is mostly taken from interviews he's given and opinions from journalists. When Peco is driving to an apex in a corner,

he wants the front fork compressed all the way so he can feel everything the tire is doing. I believe he likes a shorter length shock. For whatever reason, Ducati has put different forks on the front of the 25 so it doesn't compress all the way down like he prefers. And Peco is very sensitive to his bike setup. If it's not perfect for him, he's going to have a bad weekend.

I think we all recognize that the 24 Ducati is faster than the 25. It's probably due to suspension and frame choices. Mark is the kind of rider who can ride around issues with the bike. He'll push until he crashes and that's how he knows his limit. If he's not, it's not that Peco doesn't want to chase down and pass Mark and Alex. He just can't do it with this bike. Maybe next year, they'll put him back on a 24. There's been some discussion about it. Also check out Yamaha Champ School on YouTube. They have some good videos that explain

about trail breaking into a corner. I'll link one below. It might help you understand MotoGP a bit more. I really appreciate all of that. Also go get your ass to a racetrack. I definitely have to do that. All right, that's it everybody. That's the podcast.

Thank you to everybody that came out to the show in London. And I cannot thank ever, I could never repay Chrissy Hine, Dave Page, James Walburn, everybody that was involved, the sound, the people who set up the drums and all of that to make that moment happen. Everybody involved, it was just a magical night.

We all had such a great time and I still can't believe that it happened. And yeah, that's it. All right, so listen to the music picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Themelis and I'll talk to you guys next week. Also, I wanted to give a shout out. I read this great play that my buddy Howard Overshone

gave me, Cost of Living by Martina Majok, M-A-J-O-K. And Martina is spelled with a Y, M-A-R-T-Y-N-A. Just an incredible, I like reading plays. Oh, Billy Dum Dum, I like 100 pages. All right, that's it. Enjoy the bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts,

and I'll talk to you on Monday. Sunday morning goes and calls your bluff Cusing wisely when I know you're picking up What to do, what to do, what to do when Odd times they've been following you You can ring my bell, honey, anything you need You can ring my bell, honey, anything you need, you can ring my bell. Honey, anything you need, you can ring my bell. Oh, my bell. You can ring my bell. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 9th, 2017. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Oh, Billy's voice is coming back. It's coming back, you know, I've been drinking my old throat coat tea there, right?

Been having some fucking Hall's mental elliptis. You know, just, you know, trying not to yell at people in traffic, trying to meditate, trying to learn about patience. Oh, that guy cut me off. Oh, if I get upset, that's my fault, according to the fucking meditation guy on Headspace. He tries to chuckle through blaming me for other people's cuntiness. That's a challenge.

That's a challenge to try to remain focused. You know, what kind of a fucking guy, you know, is just sitting there trying to get into a zone is telling you that things are your fault? I know he chuckles along. I know he's probably right. Why should I have expectations when I'm on the highways

of LA that somebody isn't going to pass me doing 90 on the right while somebody in the left lane's doing with 35 and I'm in the middle like, you know, and I'm in the middle, I'm the victim. I'm the guy driving perfectly. I never pass people on the right. Bullshit! Every once in a while I do. I try to be cognizant. I don't even know what I have so much shit to talk about. I mean I always talk but

I mean I actually have shit to talk about. By the way shout out to that fucking lunatic who listened to my whole fucking give the oil man the Sun and he took it seriously like he's trying to debunk my theory you know he's like oh well you know give me some well did you ever think about there's already like fucking 3.4 billion cars out there we do both that at least that's the way I read it that's the way you sounded in my head. And I just wrote it back. I was like, dude, how many F-bombs did I drop during the presentation of that theory? Why are you acting like you went to a Ted Talk?

Was I like the one person you felt smarter than on the internet? It's like, oh, here's my opportunity to be like, oh, maybe if you fucking... That's the classic internet, the's my opportunity to be like, oh, maybe if you fucking It's the classic Internet the way you dive into a debate. Oh, maybe Try this next time Everybody coming at you like they have like these like just a bunch of awards up on the wall behind them

You know as opposed to you, you know, whatever you what do you got to do? What what hacky fucking posters do you have on your wall? Huh? What's a hacky poster for the millennials? When I was growing up, you had to have the Farrah Fawcett poster, I don't know, a Fonzie poster or some shit like that. It was, you know, it was the 70s. I was still into posters.

Um, I don't want to talk about it. You know what I'm doing is I'm talking to you guys on trying to get fucking comfortable on this goddamn couch. We bought one of these fucking pullout couches in case we have guests. What, once every three years someone's gonna stop by here for Thanksgiving? Because his fucking wife had enough with them, so instead I got to be on this thing that's not a couch and not a bed. because his fucking wife had enough with him, so instead I gotta be on this thing that's not a couch and not a bed. Oh, it looks fluffy! Oh, it looks comfortable, but looks are deceiving. So anyways, I, um... I've been back in the writer's room. I'm back in the writer's room. For episode family. We're knocking out, uh... Episode one, we got our first table read on Thursday.

And then I'm actually going to have to do a couple table reads over the phone because I got some acting work in New York City. And, spoiler alert, they're rebooting Sex and the City except this time they're doing it with guys. And guess who gets to play Samantha? I don't know, what's the, Cynthia Nixon, whoever the redhead is.

All right, I'm gonna wear a short little wig, all right, and I'm gonna be the smart girl of the fellas. That's what's gonna happen. It's kind of like that John Travolta movie, Hogs, whatever the fuck it was called, where they rode around on motorcycles. You know? I hate that those movies are hits.

It just reminds me of the sadness that most people live in, that they can relate to that movie. Like, oh, wouldn't it be awesome if we could still go out and do fun stuff? I don't know why you can't. I don't know why my voice still cracks at 49 years of age. I don't know why you can't. Why can't you continue to do fun shit?

Two reasons. One, you're exaggerating your importance as a parent. You know what I mean? That's the most important role you'll ever, I know, I know it's important, but the fact that you think you gotta fuckin' be there 24-7, starin' at your kid, and you can't just sneak down the street, you know, for fuckin' 90 minutes during the day. Like, what the fuck is gonna happen to your kid in those 90, how fragile a mindset is your family in

that God forbid you go down the street for 90 minutes, you know, figure 20 minute drive, 20 minute back, you got a shower after whatever the fuck you do, right? You go to your rock climbing, at one of those rock climbing gyms, you know, you take your talc out, your little talc fanny pack, whatever the fuck it is you do. Yeah, when in your head you're going up Mount Everest cuz that's all you got That's all you got you can't go all the way over there and fucking walk by dead people in sleeping bags while you got a family

A family bag each you can't do that, right? You can't fucking do that. So you got to go down the fucking rock wall Okay, people either over exaggerate the importance of being a goddamn parent or they fucking they're afraid of their wife. Just say look, I need to go do this. I'll be back in 90 minutes just and then just go do it. What is she going to do tackle you on the way to your car? The worst she can do is just be,

well, the worst she can do is divorce you and take all your shit. You know, who's kidding who? Whatever, you know what I mean? You gotta, every once in a while, why don't we steal away, like fucking, every two, three days, you can't just go down the street

and just fucking do something I'm saying this because I have a tremendous amount of guilt because I came home from work right and you know I make sure I don't work as much as I did last year before I became a parent before I became the most important person in the world for me. So I come home like a couple hours earlier than I did last year, right? So I can take my daughter for a walk around the block. We're gonna walk around the, right? That's what I do. Okay, so the other day I'm driving to work.

No, I'm driving to work. I dropped my car off to get serviced, right? I got the old truck, I'm driving. Now I can either go right to fucking work or it'd be like 10, 15 minutes early or I can swing by my house and hang with my daughter who just woke up. So obviously no fucking brainer, I do that.

I hang out with her for 10 minutes. I have a great fucking time and then I leave. And then I drive to work feeling like a great dad Feeling great that I did that. I got my priority straight, right? I'm gonna raise a a great citizen For this wonderful land that everybody else is jealous of that's why they don't like us around the world It has nothing to do with our foreign policy. I'm so sick of that excuse Okay, just admit it. You like our blue jeans.

You like that we feed cows to other cows, right? You like that, you know you like it. You're over there in Europe, you're in Asia, wherever you're, you're all fucking jammed up. Everybody, you're fucking driving cars on cow paths, or there's like 90,000 skyscrapers like over in fucking Asia, Jesus Christ. Hong Kong is the most astounding fucking, I didn't realize there was that much concrete in the fucking world.

They had clusters of Manhattan skyline, just parked all around that place. It was just never fucking ending. I would love to meet the Donald Trump of Hong Kong, talking about how he has the greatest skyscraper ever. But anyway, so I come home and I'm like, all right, this is great. I saw him 10 minutes this morning. I'm coming home, going to get the hang, go for this walk around the block. And I walk into my house, all right, and I notice it's hard to open the block and I walk into my house. All right. And I notice it's hard to open the door. I can't open it all the way.

And I look around the corner and what do I see? I see like five giant fucking boxes and then I see an even bigger box across the room. And they all say Gretsch drums on them. My drum kit arrived. I couldn't fuck it. I was so convinced that I was like Murphy's Law, the second I go to New York for two fucking weeks that fucking drum kit's gonna come there's gonna be some nose-picking jackass delivering it and he's just gonna fucking leave it on the front porch and some asshole's gonna take it. But for once, you know, life worked out, right? I showed up, it's, there it is.

There it is! I don't think I've ever been so fucking excited in my adult life ever. So the drum kit came and it spent literally, it was as far as when I saw it, I don't even think it spent 12 hours in my house, boom, right over to the rehearsal space and unpacked it and each box you unpacked,

there's a box in it, right? You open that box up and then there's the drum and then there's this little card, this little card, right? Like a birthday card from Gretsch drums and it says that great Gretsch sound and it's written in that writing that millennials can't read, whatever the fuck you call it. We just call it writing versus printing.

Cursive is what they call it. Maybe that's why millennials don't like it, you know? Cause you know, I don't want to curse. I don't want to offend anybody. I'm going to print. Or maybe they were on computers all day, Bill, and they just don't see it anymore. All right, fair enough fair enough, whatever Maybe just an old guy bill and you just trash and younger people because they're younger than you and they're still in the primary So I

Load up my truck I drive over the, about 20 minutes down, fucking straight, and I start taking these things out of the box, and they're absolutely fucking gorgeous. There's a couple of pieces of hardware that I need to get, but I am going to tweet a fucking picture of that thing probably Monday. Tomorrow I'm going to go over and pick up the last couple pieces of hardware that I need they are fucking Gorgeous, and I don't give a shit what you like those looks like you fucking I don't give a fuck what you think of the color I love them. I love them so I Am I am just over the fucking moon. I can't fucking believe. Can't believe. Best thing I ever did was I got rid of that old fucking Ludwig

and went out and bought the kit that I wanted. I can't fucking wait to go over there, but now I have this crushing fucking guilt. You know? Being a dag. Oh, you should be with your daughter right now. It's like I can't, and I'm fucking yelling at myself as I'm driving over there. I can't fucking go down there for fucking 90 minutes.

Not even 90, I play for an hour. 20 back, 20 over, it's an hour and 40 fucking minutes. Oh shit, that's more. That's 100 minutes. Oh Jesus. All right, so I'm the worst fucking dad ever. What do you want from me? Keeps me in a good mood.

Anyways, they came and I'm going over there today my drum teacher he's gonna fucking tune him up I got him sounding halfway decent but I'm just a comedian this guy's a pro so these things are gonna sound like fuck I don't know what they're gonna sound like but uh I can't fucking wait I'm so goddamn excited and um I got oh geez my stomach's growling here I got a fucking I got my cymbals I got the whole fucking thing that you know how nice this is how nice the setup is I'm afraid to show it to my wife that's how nice it is. You know that shit, you know, when you do something like that and then your wife just

looks at it and she's just kind of quiet, doesn't say anything, and this is all they do, they just go, huh. And you're like, ah, fuck. How much did that, how much, that noise right there, how much is that going to cost me? You know, all I did was buy a set of drums. You know, they're fucking shit. What's she gonna go get? Well, I thought this would be fair. Maybe I'm just paranoid. So anyways, I want to thank the Gretsch Drum Company for fucking making the greatest goddamn drums. I've ever, the most beautiful fucking drums I've ever seen in my life. And packing

them up so there wasn't even a piece of dust on them. Absolutely gorgeous. And I'm going to go over there today and I'm going to play because I'm doing the goddamn comedy jam. The fucking two or three year anniversary. I've lost track at this point. I think it's the two year anniversary. When did it start? 14 or 15? Maybe 14. No. It started in 15. The two year anniversary. And I'm going to be singing one song even though I can't sing and then I'm going to be sitting in on drums for the encore. And no, I am not bringing my kid over. I'm not bringing it over because I don't have any cases. Plus, I would be fucking losing my

mind that something bad was going to happen to him. So that's it Alright, so there you go. That's what I have to look forward to Anyways, so where do I don't know where to fucking start here? See if I can keep my happiness in my drum kit as I talk about this next thing I saw two of the most fucked up things as far as Just that have you no shame, you know, and I'm a piece of shit so for me to think that, you know. I was watching some fucking clip trashing Dr. Phil and I never saw this. I didn't realize this I guess like a year ago or two years ago

You know that actress Shelley Duvall who crushed it in the shining Well, she's in her 60s now, and I guess she's having I don't know what she's having she's having some sort of mental issue I don't know what it is Okay, but she's old and she needs medical help That scumbag, Dr. Phil, who I called it. The second I saw that guy, I called it. That guy looks like a fucking crooked cop. The second I saw him, I was like,

that guy looks like he'd plant a fucking gun on you. You know? He'd fucking shoot you over some routine fucking traffic stop and he'd pull at it. He'd do that to a white person. That's how fucking nuts this guy is, right? He's not your standard, you know, bad cop going after minorities.

This guy would do it, this guy's like, he has a serial killer look, doesn't he? Anyways, that piece of shit fucking interviewed Shelley Duvall and talked to her as if he was trying to help her And she was saying all of this stuff about how Robin Williams was still alive and fucking you know The earth is flat and just all kinds of stuff like that where it's clearly like oh my god all right shut off the camera Shut off the cameras come on Let's not do this to her and he's sitting there talking to her like so like he's gonna try to help her so like you think that Robin Williams is still alive okay

I think you need like he was acting the entire fucking time like he was trying to help her rather than completely exploiting this famous actress who's now in like, you know, this mental condition. It's just, it was, I don't, I don't, how do you still sit down and watch that guy's fucking show? Fuck that guy and everything he's fucking connected to. Jesus, you don't have enough fucking money, you cunt. You don't drag enough fucking penniless people

onto your fucking show. You don't have enough honey boo boo people coming on your fucking show. You gotta do that. Jesus fucking Christ. But, you know, I've been meditating, and I guess I'm not supposed to get upset about this. I should expect it, I should expect it

I should expect that behavior out of him So you're saying that you're hearing these voices in your head or Saying I'm making up all of this shit. I couldn't get I couldn't get I Don't think I got 20 seconds, 30 seconds into it. The second she said the Robin Williams thing and then they cut to him. So you're saying once he did that, I had to just shut it off. Shut it off. Shut it off.

Dr. Phil have you no shame. I swear to God that fucking guy. I'm trying to think what he wouldn't interview. You know? What wouldn't he? First of all, I love that people watch those shows as if they're watching somebody trying to help somebody. They're not. You can't fix somebody in a half-hour episode

On that time when he had that girl on that little girl on there the you know Catch me outside have I did that one that went fucking viral and Then he has her back on again. He's like people thought I was exploiting her So we took out the studio audience. Yeah, but you still broadcasted it I They still broadcasted it. I don't know. But you know something? I'm a hypocritical cunt. All right. Because I still watched the Catch Me Outside. How about that?

I just kept seeing it on Twitter and I was like, I have to see what that is. And I'm not going to lie to you. I did watch it and I did enjoy it. So maybe I got to knock back my criticisms criticism why don't you just exploit people that still have their whole life ahead of them Jesus fucking Christ I don't know did I become the asshole by the end of that I don't remember I don't even know where the fuck that whole thing went. So anyways, I was watching the F1 race in Austria, which, by the way, there's something fucking crazy

going on in Austria right now. Jewish people, relax. It's not that. Well, it kind of is. It's kind of related to that. You know, in fucking in England, like all their shit is old. Because they, you know, that's the origins of white people. Unless you listen to a Nas album and somehow we all came from Egypt, which they're not

really black either, are they? They're like Arab. You know what I mean? But he's like, yeah, they're African. It's like, all right, well, I'm German and Irish. Do I also claim to be Italian because I'm European? Like African, Africa's a continent. I've never been able to,

so you're saying that we all came from Egypt. I tell you right now, there's no fucking way I did if you ever saw my fucking legs I Mean, I don't know how fucking long ago my ancestors left Africa Or how and then why we did what we sat in a fucking snow jacuzzi for fucking two thousand years I Don't know but I do actually I do believe that we all came we had to all come from the same fucking Whatever Lake

Do you know you realize what you're listening to right now? You're listening to a comedian trying to figure out like just because he watched like ten minutes of Neil deGrasse Tyson Whatever fucking name is, as he's falling asleep. And if I can quote deGrasse Tyson, whatever the fuck his first name is, uh, I believe he thinks we came from trees. And I don't mean like we were living in trees, like we were apes. He's like, no, trees. Like,

I don't know, that was one of those things where I was just like falling asleep. It's like this fucking guy's crazy. I fell asleep. I never saw the other, other part of it. But you know what the deal is. You'd go over his house and he'd convince you of it. You go over and he'd have on a turtleneck with a sport coat over it, like smoking a pipe and there'd be a fire in the fireplace, right? He'd come in and he'd have all these fucking artifacts. You know, you and your wife show up, there's these other couples there. And you're just thinking like, this guy's either going to fucking tell me the secrets of the world or I'm going to slowly lose consciousness and end up in one of those silence of the lamb pits trying to steal his dog. Anyways, the fuck am I talking about?

I, oh yeah, so I'm why, oh what happened in Austria? So what's happened in Austria? It might have already been solved. I just remember seeing it a little while ago because a couple weeks ago I was trying to see where the f1 circuit was taking him next and I guess in Austria Hitler's house still exists

Like where he was born, but it's more like an apartment building So I guess all these neo-Nazis go there and they do like the neo-Nazi like YOLO selfie, you know, instead of doing the peace sign. I bet this, but that you can't do like a full Sieg Heil, you know, in a selfie. That's a hard, your arms aren't long enough to hold it out so they probably do it to the side, you know, where It's just from the elbow to the tip and then they do the duck face right? I guess they've been doing that I don't know what the fuck they're doing they're doing some shit like that in front of it and for some reason people feel that if

you take that place down that you know those guys aren't going to continue to exist I don't know about that but I mean what are people going to do? You know I was gonna be a neo-nazi but then they took down Hitler's fucking building so whatever so there's somebody that owns it and he's like nah I'm not tearing this shit down and the government's like right we're gonna fucking saves it alright That's how they talk in Austria till everybody talks like my bad

Sort of fucking English Accent maybe what I don't know what the fuck it is Davy Jones whatever I'm doing So there's some big battle about that and they're gonna like knock it down But I gotta be honest with you as much as I'm not down with the Nazis like if I went to Austria I would go see that place I would be like the most evil baby you know the Jordan of evil babies you know who fucking came home to that place right there people walked in and saw baby Hitler and were like oh isn't he adorable? Look at his eyes. There's a lot going on in there.

So they want to get rid of that. I thought that that was fucking interesting. This is what kills me. Who fucking... How do people know that that's where he grew up? Like, this is what kills me, like, who fucking... How do people know that that's where he grew up? So many people fucking died in World War II. You'd think that anybody that even remotely fucking remembered it.

The old people go, I remember that when he grew up in that place right down the street, and he always had a funny look on his face. Oh, I never liked him, right? They just passed the story on. It's too juicy a gossip that it just, it just keeps getting passed down

to the point they gotta knock down this perfectly good fucking building I guess it needs to be redone a little bit like we're doing with the baseball stadiums over here and then what happens? They throw it out and ends up in the ocean throw it out in the fucking Mediterranean Sea that water, you know, the water that when you go over there they try to say there's no sharks in them

until you go on the internet It's like, oh oh yeah I just saw there was a couple of attacks. Oh yeah yeah I mean there's been a couple of attacks but you know that you know that's it's rare. Yeah shark attacks in general are rare considering most of us are on the fucking land. I don't know. I swam in the Mediterranean I absolutely loved it. It was fucking life-changing but afterwards when I was reading about these shark attacks there is just this fucking It's the scariest thing other than being tortured You know I'm trying to think you know

of stuff equal to that speaking of shark attacks I Was watching this fucking movie that starred Paul Walker, rest in peace, Jessica Alba, Scott Conn, this other woman, her name escapes me. Her name escapes me. I was watching that movie and I don't know what the fuck it's called. I don't know what the fuck it's called. I don't know what the fuck it's called. Jessica Alba first of all is so fucking beautiful. She doesn't have to do anything. She just sits there.

She looks fucking amazing, right? And that movie was so fucking ridiculous yet entertaining. I don't think I've ever seen people hold their breath longer underwater in my life. You know? There's a fucking crash plane under the water. They go down there, they find drugs. This is even like a spoiler alert. This is like how many fucking times they've done the movie where regular people find a bag of money

or they find some fucking drugs. Oh, what should we do? I think we should leave it. No, we should take it, man. This is a shot, right? And then the fucking bad guys figure out that they fucking took it somehow, right? The same Classic fucking story, right? Then Tom Hanks lost his wife and he meets Meg Ryan in Seattle. It's all the same fucking movie Billy Crystal comes in and says a couple of things

okay, then Ron Reiner makes a cameo because he's directing the thing and Then somebody starts shooting up Tom Cruise runs, and the doves come up. And there's your fucking movie. It's every Hollywood movie. Somebody's getting too old for this shit. The two people that hate each other have realized that they now love each other. The two foes then look at each other and they realize that you know what, I respect ya. You know, the days of thunder ending.

I think that covers it, right? Anyway, so we're watching this fucking movie and at one point the bad guys have scuba gear. Paul Walker and fucking Scott Cahn have no scuba gear. They just dive down to this fucking plane. Which is like, I don't know, like 20 fucking feet under the water. So they fucking, the scuba guys swim into the plane

looking for him. Scott Kahn is sitting in the co-pilot seat pretending to be dead. He had enough time to sit there, gather himself, pretend to be dead, holding his fucking breath. And the scuba guy comes up and looks at him, he's like, well, I guess he's dead, and he keeps going. And meanwhile, they keep cutting the Paul Walker,

rest in peace, right? He keeps fucking peeking into one of the windows. And this scene is like five fucking minutes long, real time it feels. Or when you're just doing the math of how long it would take to get down there, how long you could fucking stay down there. And he's like peeking, and then he would just duck back out of the way,

and all they had the decency to do was have like one or two little air bubbles go like, bloop, bloop. If I'm underwater and I don't have any fucking air, I mean your heart's already racing like a fucking lunatic so you're eating up that oxygen. Forget about the fact that there's these drug dealers with scuba gear that want to kill you and you're in shark-infested fucking waters. Didn't affect Paul Walker or Scott Conn in the least.

Somehow they were able to throw effective punches under the water. I mean it was unbelievable. The leaps of faith that you had to make in that movie. Yet I still enjoyed it. You know, cause every time you were like, this is fucking ridiculous. They would cut to Jessica Alba, just going like, should we keep the drugs or something?

You go, oh my gosh, fucking beautiful. Genius, the editing of that movie is genius. I don't know what it's called though There she has one scene. She just leans against the door brushing her teeth. It's like I could watch a movie of that Jessica Alba gets ready for bed So check it out. I think that's what that movie is. It's called something about the deep. They're always called the deep the Cove I Don't know what it was,

but I was just sitting there, you know, in my own way, making fun of the movie, trying to make Neil laugh. I was just like, Jessica, I'm not gonna wear a shirt, Nancy, you gonna wear a shirt? Which is probably childish. That's what I do here, wait a second. I gotta find out the other name of that actress on that movie.

I can't name three of the four stars, right? Can I? Hang on a second. Actually, you know what, fuck that. I'm not even gonna look that up. I have to give somebody, I gotta give two people a shout out. I've been watching Bloodline.

I'm up to episode eight, season three. I got two more episodes to go. That show, that series is gut wrenching. Like I can only watch two of them, and then I have to shut it off. And I've never watched a show where I get so mad at the characters. You know, I get so fucking mad,

like why the fuck did you just do that? Shut up, stop talking, all of that stuff. Most of it's with the Kevin character. Norbert Leo Butz, one of like five people who ever won the best lead male Tony award, which is a Broadway Oscar basically, amazing fucking actor. So anyways, there's a guy on that show who plays Eric O'Bannon who's absolutely killing it? His name is Jamie McShane and for Breaking Bad fans if you're wondering how do I know that guy's face? Why would his face

Fucking make one of my how do I know that guy? If you're a Breaking Bad fan, the episode, I'm not gonna give anything away, the one that involved the train, alright? I can't remember if he played the conductor or the engineer. And he was a great fucking guy. And his work on this show is fucking unbelievable. I don't know, I wanna quote quote his lines, but I want everybody like

When they watch movies, it's like years later. You know my dad just saw like I did this movie called stand-up guys And he calls me up. He's like Christ Billy. I tell you the other night. I'm sitting there. I'm like I'm like narcoleptic I'm falling asleep on the couch. I wake up at three in the morning And I'm watching this movie and and I'm already laughing because I know it's gonna be some shit I did like fucking ten years ago. He goes, it's got Al Pacino and Christopher Walken and I'm watching the movie. And all of a sudden there you are. I'm like, holy shit. He wakes up my mother, he goes, Jesus Christ, it's Bill. That's how my parents pay attention to my career. They watch shit that I did.

He goes, it was a great movie. I'll tell you, Bill, you know, you could do this comedy stuff, you could do the dramatic shit. You fucking got it all figured out. That's what he said. You could do the dramatic shit. It's my favorite thing anybody said to me all week. You could do the dramatic shit. It's my favorite thing anybody said to me all week. You can do the dramatic shit.

Um... So anyways, two thumbs up from my dad for, uh, the fucking, um, stand-up guys. Check it out if you get a chance. Um, anyways, Jamie McShane is fucking kill- everybody's killing her on that show. And then also, uh, John Liguizamo. I mean, has that guy ever been bad in anything? He's fucking- everything he's in, he makes it better. The guy's fucking unreal and...

He's like creepy and hilarious all at the same time, which I don't know how you do that unless you're a fucking genius like that guy. There's a scene, um, how do I do do? I don't want to fucking ruin it for people He goes in and he orders like what we used to call like a slurpee or a frosty We don't want to see orders one of those. It's one of the funniest fucking scenes. I've seen in a long time Just start watching bloodline and I'm telling you if you want to not have your insides get fucking all twisted up, just you do two episodes at a time. Okay, the first season, it's like, all right,

it starts a little slow, like most series do, because they got to establish who the characters are, what the background is. But once that fucking rock starts rolling down the hill, so I'm gonna watch the last two episodes today and um and I don't know you know I'm excited to see what happens but then I also have that you know I almost had the balls to say this. I almost had the nerve to say like you know when you're finishing a great book like I read I remember back in the day when I used to read

and a book would end and I used to read a lot of that. It was that guy who did all the train spotting and Maribu Stork nightmare books. I used to read all of his shit. Irvin Welsh or something. Then I started reading the classics. I remember I read the full version of the Three Musketeers, not Three Musketeers, the Count Amount of Christo. It was like 700-something pages of the smallest fucking typeset or font you've ever seen in life. And I'm like, I'm finishing this fucking thing. I'm finishing this fucking thing.

And I just would try to read like 20 pages a day. It took me months to finish that fucking book. But I did. I finished it and I was like, wow. I spent a significant part of my life reading this book. That's how slow I read. In all these years, and I was always proud that I read that book. I read it like 20 years ago.

And I remember thinking like, you know, this is what people did back then. They had time to read books like this because there wasn't the internet, there wasn't the TV and all that, and they were bored and needed to be entertained. So these guys would just spin these yarns that would go for six, seven, eight, nine hundred fucking pages. And recently, I forget where I saw it, they said that Alexander Dumas, however you say his name, was getting paid by the word. And then 20 years later, I'm like, you fucking asshole, you could have finished that shit in like 200 pages. I'd read like the director's cut.

Of uh, The Count Amon a Crystal. I still love the book. Gotta love a story or a revenge. You know? So anyways, this is the time when I would usually read some fuckin' advertising. But, um, I'm doing this early. Because I got shit to do tomorrow. Um,

I got shit to do tomorrow, man! Uh, I got stuff to pick up the last few pieces of hardware that I need for my kit and then I'm good to go there. Let's see, let's see, let's see. The advertising has not come in yet. So what do I do now? Do I just pause here and I just pretend like I have reads to do? How many minutes have I done? 37. 37 minutes. You know, I'm just gonna continue talking about the shit I want to then I'll just do it. I'll just hit pause and when the advertising comes in I'll read it and then when the fucking The questions comes in I'll fucking read those too. So anyways So what you're saying is

I saw this thing, you know, when I shut off the F1 race, which is kind of becoming my teaser here, like people, you going to talk about it? Are you going to talk about it? When I shut it off, okay, I'll talk about the F1 race. Congratulations to, I always want to say Valerie, Val Terry, whatever his fucking name is, Bo Toss. He had such a good start to start that race. They actually thought he was a fucking cheater, like the Indianapolis Colts there. And it was a typical fucking F1 race, where it was the first guy to turn one, won the fucking race.

There was a fucking accident in the beginning, right? The guy in the fucking, the stepchild of the Red Bull team, that Rojas fucking team, whatever the fuck, whatever the, oh Jesus, Bill, grab your Almanac. Grab the fucking program. If you're gonna talk about it, have a little bit of respect for the people that actually watched the goddamn race.

What's the name of their fucking team? What is it, what is it? Oh, the Toro Rosso, Rosa. That fucking lunatic. He came in and he fucking slammed into one of the McLarens who then slammed into the Red Bull guy, Max Verstappen. And every one of them, their whole fucking day was over. That was it.

It was over. Boatoss was out in front. Lewis Hamilton got like a five position, I don't know, penalty because he had to change his gearbox during qualifying. So even if he was number one, the best he could have done in qualifying was six, so he was started eighth, so I guess evidently,

wait, that would be, yeah, five spot, yeah. So I guess he came in third. Anyways, pretty uneventful race the whole fucking time. Other than then in the end it got great. It got great. But I actually loved the shit that Lewis Hamilton was talking. They were talking about the whole, his bullshit with what's his face there, Sebastian Vettel. And he goes, you know, what are you planning to do?

He goes, you know, I'll go out there, I'll try to exploit a few of his weaknesses. Just floats that out there. So of course the reporter bites and goes, what are some of his weaknesses? Would you say his temper is one of his weaknesses? Because I guess this guy, Vettel, he's dangerously approaching 12 penalty points. If you get 12 penalty points, you have to sit out a race within a calendar year that basically points for being a cunt. Driving dangerously, slamming your car into Lewis Lewis Hamilton whatever the fuck it is he's doing

He's like those people on the highway out here that pass you on the right doing 90 He does shit like that So if you accrue 12 of those points within a calendar year you have to sit out a race Which is devastating especially if the guy you're going up against wins the race he gets 25 points. He's just sitting there on your ass You know sitting on your helmet. So anyways, he goes, I'm going to exploit a few of his weaknesses. So the reporter bites and goes, this is temper, one of them?

And Lewis smiles and goes, yes, which is the perfect thing you want to do with someone with the temper, speaking from experience, because all that does is make us more mad and then we fuck up again, right? So then the The reporter goes Well, what's his other weakness and Lewis just smiles he goes He's like I'll keep that one in my pocket and he walked away and I was like, ah, that was perfect Perfect. He's in his head, man But anyways, like I said, it was pretty uneventful for the whole time. Um, everybody just cruising around the fucking track.

Um, no big crashes after that turn one. And, uh... The fucking American team, the Haas team was up front for like two laps. You know, they gave us a little pat on the head. Like we were able to hold off the Ferraris for the first three laps Of a 71 lap race and as an American I'm supposed to be excited by that as we have the Ferrari jr. Engine Whatever the fuck they give us

So anyways the the final like six laps Lewis Hamilton was right on fucking Ricardo's ass. The tires were all fucking chewed up. I was convinced Hamilton was going to catch him. Ricardo was able to hold them off. And then Sebastian Vettel was right on Bo Taz's ass. Once again, no passes were made, but it was still fucking exciting. The last six laps of the race was great, and that track was fucking cool as hell, man. I love how it starts like uphill.

That bizarre, I don't know, I've never seen a track laid out like that and it's in the Austrian Alps. How do you not fucking go to that? Swing by Hitler's house, you go to the F1 race and then you get yourself Sivine or Schnitzel. How do you not do that fucking trifecta? That's a bucket list thing right there before they tear it down. I mean, I was always a fan of the Omen. Always all those horror movies, those demon babies.

How do you not fucking go there and just be like, he fucking learned how to walk in that house. It's just fascinating. Like the first time he lost his temper was in that house. First time he realized he could draw. I don't know how long he fucking stayed there. It's just eerie, you know what I mean? Look if Universal Studios, if you can take the tour over there

and they still have the fucking, the psycho house, you know, because everyone just wants to look at that. This is a real life fucking psycho. They shouldn't be glorified. I'm not glorifying it. It's the same reason why I wanna see a great white shark from a boat. You know?

I don't fucking, this is so, as much as everybody fucking bitches, there's no way if you walk down the street you couldn't fucking look at it. You couldn't feel that fucking vibe of evil woo woo woo coming off the side of the fucking house. I don't know, they're probably right. They should probably tear the fucking thing down.

You know? Why am I talking about Hitler's house? Can somebody explain it to me? So anyways, the race ends. I shut it off. I come in here to go do the podcast. And I ended up, as when I shut off the race, there's this woman with short hair. You know, she's got the fucking, uh, the same haircut as that one, who's the girl?

I'm coming out so you better get the party started. I'm coming out, I'm coming. Remember that? Pink. Right? Had the pink haircut, and she's sitting there talking to this guy, and I'm looking at it like, this looks like a fucking therapy session, what's going on here? And the show is called The Therapist.

And she's sitting there, it's Katy Perry, talking about herself and like, you know, some people like me, some people don't. Some people like when I have long hair, but they don't like the shorter haircut. And I'm just sitting there thinking, why are you doing this? Sweetheart, you should do this in private.

Why would you put all this shit out of there? Is she going nuts? But as much, you know, her I felt bad for, cause it's just like she's fucking obviously going through some shit. But the fucking therapist guy, they got this whole intro and he's like walking through doors and shit.

Like I'm so insane, I'm a licensed fucking therapist. You're a fucking money grubbing cunt. Acting like you're trying to help Katy Perry. I had to shut it off. I had to shut it off. I rewound it because I had to find

the name of the fucking show and then I had to fucking walk away. Jesus Christ, Katy Perry, if you need therapy, go to a fucking therapist. Close the fucking door, have her shut off her phone, and get it out. And I hope you get better. You don't fucking do it on TV.

Do you realize what you're doing? You're letting the world know what hurts you, and you're on the internet? Are you out of your fucking mind? These are my weaknesses. Every fucking asshole on the internet's going to be coming after you. It's a bad move.

That is not a good move. And like that licensed therapist, air quote, fucking that guy, that guy should be disbarred. That you would fucking exploit something like that. But you know what? At the end of the day, I mean, it was probably her people's idea. She green lit it. And then they had to find a therapist low enough on the rung with enough TV presence

that would fucking agree to do that gig. I'm trying to think of the standup equivalent to that. A televised, you know what it would be? It'd be like those fucking gigs that Beyonce and all those guys do for like fucking New Years. They go out, they sneak out of the country and they go do like fucking, they sing Booty-licious for like five million bucks to the son of a fucking dictator. You know, in some country that we're at odds with.

I guess like that's the TV version of it. Maybe, I don't know. Who the fuck knows? Speaking of all that shit, did you see when Trump went to Russia and he met Flick and Vladimir Putin? Did you see that? That was fucking hilarious. You know what?

That's when they fucking were shooting the shit. It reminded me of Jimmy the Gent after the LaTwanza heist, however the fuck you say it. When Trump walked in, Putin should have been like, come here, you, come here, you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Lafwanza, how do you say, L-U-F-T-H, Lafwanza heist? Modal, I don't fucking know.

Anyways, oh, by the way, rest in peace. Great drummer passed away about four days ago. Jonathan Blackwell who absolutely killed it with Prince, New Power Generation, played on Justin Timberlake's big, I think his first album, that tour. Was it Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magic? I can't remember what it was. Sexy Back Tour? Stomping on a disco ball? Whatever the fuck it was called. I can't remember what it was. Sexy Back Tour? I'm stomping on a disco ball, whatever the fuck it was called. I can't, you know. I actually own the album too. That's the sad thing.

Wham, wham, wham, wham, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I'm big and sexy back, bam. What's that other one? The other one I always get the words wrong and Nia always laughs. What is that one? Uh... Oh I always think he says dirty bitch. That I let you with me if you misbehave. I always think he's going dirty bitch.

And he always laughs going, he's not saying dirty bitch. And I go, what's he saying? Is she a dirty babe or something like that? You know what's the hardest one to fucking understand is that Rihanna, she's got the accent and she doesn't, she says like the first three letters of every word at the end of a sentence. What's her new fucking hit?

Me and Neil, I forget where the fuck we were going, but we had on like pop radio, right? One of the pop stations there. Is that what it's called, Top 40? It was hilarious, like they played the same 10 songs on the way there and the same ten songs on the way back. Um... Isn't that? And then they whack, whack, whack, whack, whack. It wasn't that one. But it was the same thing. It began with a W.

What? Ah, this is gonna fucking drive me nuts. I gotta look it up. Alright. Katy fucking Perry. Katy Perry, what a show, Katy Perry. Not Katy Perry, sorry, not LaTwanza, not Jimi the Jet. Rihanna. Rihanna... music. See if it comes up. Umbrella, L-A-L-A-A-O-O-E-E. Come on.

Loading, slowly loading. I'm running out of shit to talk about. I might have to fucking hit pause here at this point. Maybe I can look up the song. Oh yeah, W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W work work work no it's not that one she has a lot of W songs don't stop the music work love on the brain diamonds umbrella we found love bitch better have my money okay man down all right this is I just, I'm too fucking old to be looking at this shit. You know what I mean? God bless you. God bless your hits.

Okay, I'm gonna fucking... I like being an old guy. And you know something, when you're a fucking old guy, you gotta know when you're too old to be fucking looking at something. You just walk away. You know? Like those fucking... I don't understand why guys over 40s take those fucking testosterone pills. It's like you're finally clearing your head. You know what I mean?

You're finally getting out of the fucking bars. You're finally realizing how much more sustained happiness you can get out of ordering a brand new drum kit and setting the fucking thing up than the fucking colossal waste of time that chasing pussy is. You know? You see that question? You're a guy over 40. Try it, was it? Newgenics. They act like your testosterone dipping is a bad thing. It's a fucking great thing. The clouds are finally parting. Why would you want to take a bottle of that B18 Forever fucking juice? Jesus Christ, you want to go back into the sports bar,

shorten up the fucking sporty slash whore-themed waitresses? Right, the original Spice Girls, as they walk around with jerseys tied on. Ha, who's winning the game? You want some wings? You want some more buffalo wings? Is that slowly fucking killing you? Why would you want to take a fucking pill

that's gonna make you think that that's a good option? I'm gonna go back into that. You know? Then you gotta start P90Xing. You got on a myrtle, right? A man girdle, trying to suck in your fucking... You know, guys, the torso just starts, it just keeps getting thicker and thicker, right?

You got your fucking, you still got your skinny high school legs, cause you're just boozing it up, you got that goddamn beer belly. Now you're gonna fucking throw some 18 year old fucking testosterone down your throat. As you're walking up there, you know? You gotta dye your goatee before you go down there. What the fuck are you doing? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha go back into that fucking world. Granted, I experienced it with an orange Afro. I mean, maybe you guys had a better time than I did.

I don't fucking know. I don't pretend to know. Anyways, I think this is it. I don't know if I can go any fucking further here. If I talked about everything that I wanted to talk about, I believe I have. Oh, coming up this weekend, me and Dean Del Rey,

host of the Let There Be Talk podcast, are gonna be at the Fountain Street Church in Grand Rapids, Michigan. This is one of my favorite fucking places to play. It's a still functioning, non-denominational church, all right, which is why they let comedians go in there. still functioning non-denominational church. All right? Which is why they let comedians go in there. If I ever decide to get back into religion,

I think I could, you know what, I bet I couldn't go to a non-denomination one either, because they'd be so busy patting themselves in the back about how open-minded they are. Just whatever you want to do, if you want to stand, you want to kneel, and I have all that Catholic in me going There's gonna be some sort of structure

What is this a fucking drum circle Anyways We're doing two shows Friday. I think one Saturday or the other way around all I know is the third the third show has just been Added there's still some tickets left. They just added that thing because the first did so well So thank you to everybody that's showing up. I can't wait to go up there and run my fucking mouth standing on an altar You got to go to this if you don't see me You have to see a show at this place just to see the fucking venue that it has an upper deck Horseshoe upper deck that runs from one side of the altar right down the hall, down the side of the fucking, you know, the windows there, to the back of the church and then comes right back

up again like a horseshoe. Right? Like what they still call Ohio State Stadium even though they enclosed it. And like the altar is like the new stands that they stuck in there when they enclosed it. So I'll be up there and then I go to New York to do the acting gig. I'm just basically filibustering right now,

seeing if I can get the fucking... Nah, they ain't coming in. God damn it, they're not coming in. Why don't I read some dates for you here? You know, not like you can't do this on your own. BillBurr.com. Standup dates. I have got to change the fucking picture.

Oh, I got one with the shaved head. I just never fucking, I gotta learn how to upload photos. All right, where do I go here? Shows. All right, this is what I got coming up. Then I got August 10th, Red Bank, New Jersey, Count Basie Theater. All right, and then after that one, August 13th, All Things Comedy, producing their first stand-up special ever, Paul Verzi.

All right, me and Pete Davidson are going to come out on stage and get the crowd warmed Paul Verzi, all right? Me and Pete Davidson are gonna come out on stage and get the crowd warmed up and then Paul's gonna go out and absolutely crush it. It's taking place, it's going down at the Terrytown Theater in Terrytown, New York. Absolutely beautiful. Bring the wife, bring the kids. Don't bring the kids. Come up there, hang out with us, watch a great special.

Tickets are going fast. I'm sorry, August 10th and 11th I'm in Red Bank. Oh, and 12th. Oh shit, and then I fucking hang out with Verzi. Bam, on the 13th. August 27th, Hyannis, Massachusetts at the Cape Cod Melody Tent, dude. Then I'm doing the Hampton Beach Casino,

first show sold out, that's on the 30th. Second show they added a late show, September 2nd. I'm at Valley Center, Harris Resort in Southern California. And September 8th, I'm at the Horseshoe Casino in Bluesville, Mississippi. Bluesville, Mississippi, and then I'm going to an Alabama game, Crimson Tide. Hooray!

Going to that. September 22nd, I'm at the Toronto Sony Center. The Sony Center. In Toronto, Ontario, on the 22nd and 23 23rd then I'm in Vegas on the 29th Then on the 6th of October. I'm in st. Petersburg, Florida. Then I'm a mahaffi theater now This is what's great about that gig is the Thursday. I'm going to see the Patriots play the Tampa Bay Buccaneers that's the last NFL team I need to see a home game of, including the fucking Los Angeles Chargers, but I'll go to one of those

in September. Then I do my gig, and then the next day I go see that Florida LSU game. And on December 14th, I got the hard rock in Florida and I might have an overseas gig in Europe in December in my favorite city over there my favorite city to take my wife possibly we're working on it we are working on it I'm gonna hit pause right now I'm gonna wait for the advertising to come through I'm gonna read the fuckers but it's not gonna take any time out of your life because I'm not doing like fuckers, but it's not gonna take any time out of your life, because I'm not doing like, you know, not just gonna leave a recording, you know what I mean? All right. I'll see you in a couple hours, but in your world it'll be a couple seconds.

All right, I'm back. God damn it, I'm back and I have advertising to read. Um, all right, we're done. Nia, we're on to the questions. All right, we're done. Nia, we're on to the questions. Okay. All right, Norway. When are you coming to Norway, man? We would love it, man. And we need it before we end up like Sweden.

Have a nice weekend and go fuck yourself. Oh, he's trashing sweet. Hey Nia, people wanna know when I'm gonna come to Norway. Oh, is it Nia plus one? I brought my plus one. There you go. Little baby boo bear there. Here you go.

You got to make some room for me. You can't sit in that chair right there? You didn't even entertain that option. All right. Upside down, you're turning me. Giving love instinctively. OK. Round in air.

I was talking about Deep Into the Blue Ocean with Jessica Alba and Paul Walker. Into the Blue. Into the Blue. Into the Blue. I'll have a blue. That racist ass movie. Ocean Racist.

Yes. How is it racist? I watched it as a white person and I didn't have a problem with any of it. Surprise, surprise. What is it racist? I watched it as a white person and I didn't have a problem with any of it. Surprise, surprise. What did you see? No, that scene where they had the um... Talk into the mic for the love of Christ. You know what? People have tweeted me and have been like, we can hear you just fine. Well, then they would say that I was too fucking loud. I mean, yeah. But they haven't. They're used to it by now. All right, I'm talking to the microphone. No, there was this one.

So this place, this movie takes place in the Bahamas, right? But of course, you know, there's like barely any black people in it. And it's white people on vacation. They're not on vacation. They live and work there. Except for Scott. Jessica Alba's not white.

Oh, right. Oh, shit. Now who's not being racially sensitive? Yeah, she's, yeah. OK, fine. She's not white. Oh, right. Oh, shit. Now who's not being racially sensitive? Yeah, she's, yeah. Okay, fine. She's not white. But they're in the Bahamas. That's where black people live.

Anyway, can I get finished telling you how I, you know, anyway, one of the guys that either works for them or works with them in some capacity, he has like maybe two lines and one of them is, I got to go. My baby mama is hassling me over a weave or like needs me to give her money for a weave. Or some full, needs a new weave. Like what the fuck? They were capturing the black experience.

No, no, no, no. They can't give him a line that has any kind of like dignity like, oh I gotta go, I told my wife I'd watch the baby or, oh I gotta go, my son has a soccer game. my baby mama needs a weave. That is so racist. That is so, and then, and then, there's another scene where they're somehow explaining, I don't know, pirates or some kind of Bahamian legend that, you know, Paul Walker is explaining.

And then, what's his name? Scott Kahn is looking at pictures. And he's like, so this is- I love Scott love Scott Khan so this is Snoop Dogg here and these are all his hoes and this is his pimp cup and blah blah blah and it's like really he used to be in a rap group he knows the terminology you know what you ever see eight mile that was based on him it was based on Eminem and I'm not even one of those white guys Scott Khan in a rap group like I'm just not even no let's let I don't even want to talk about that Scotty con Scotty con oh did he scratch to that right he came out oh my yeah let me rock it let me rock his got he goes

ridiculous the one I feel for you one thing that I liked about the that movie I can't believe we actually watched the whole thing. But there was a scene where. I enjoyed it. It was so great. Scott Kahn and Paul Walker are talking about the life. What are we going to do, man? And they're underwater holding their breath at the same time.

They're above. Punching sharks. They're on land. And it's daytime as they're talking. And the camera slowly pans around them, like really slow. And by the time it's done, the sun has set. And it was a really beautiful shot.

Other than that, that movie can go kick rocks, right? Oh, it's because you're holding a baby. Kick rocks. Can kick rocks. Everybody said the F word in front of her, really trying not to do that. But that movie was ridiculous, and I'm really upset at that line.

It still bothers me. I gotta go, my baby mama needs a new week. What? They were underwater for 15 minutes. I can suspend my disbelief on that. That wasn't something that I needed to suspend my disbelief on. I'm just saying, if they're gonna handle breathing.

Why are you making excuses for that line in that movie? Because I meditate now. And what I've learned is I'm learning to have patience. Patience with what? With just people's behavior. Well, you're lucky that you have that ability to do that. I was very offended and annoyed by that. No, I'm just saying that, like, if they could.

Was that not offensive to give him that line? Not to me. I'm white. I'm not asking about you as a white person. I'm just saying that. I'm clearly not asking as a white person. It went over my head. To defend you. I'm just saying I didn't get it.

I'm telling you what it is. So why are you sitting here acting brand new like you don't understand what I'm talking about? Oh my God. Yeah, I'm just trying to be, at some point it has to be funny. No. Well, I don't care about it being funny. I know it's a ridiculous fucking line, but I got to keep the comedy going.

This isn't count, point, account, point, counterpoint. What ispoint what is it point counterpoint? You got a more in for a host? Oh, yeah, keep the funny for the love of God, please Let's not lose the funny God forbid you actually agree with me on some shit and try not to you know Can you pitch this episode to dear white people for me? Good lord. I got it. It's fucking offensive. I'm agreeing with you I'm trying to fucking keep it funny on some level. Fine. I'm trying to, I'm just playing the ignorant white guy. You don't have to play at anything.

Nia. I'm the one who said the line first. I was laying there, I go, I gotta get my baby mama a weave. Terrible. It's terrible writing, I mean, what the fuck? It's offensive. It's fucking people jumping, they're walking around all naked, looking good, holding their breath for fucking four hours.

Do you honestly think that they're going to have Maya Angelou or one of those people in their fucking heads? Is that the right reference? Sure. All right. What else you got? I don't know. Okay, Norway.

When are you? On this apologist podcast. Oh, by the way, you know what's stupid? It was when I was imitating Jessica Abler doing lines. I was like, ah, like she's dumb. She's got a billion dollar fucking company. Where do I get off saying that? Although my podcast is doing pretty well. I keep going iTunes.

All right, Norway. When are you coming to Norway, man? We love it. We would love it. And we need it before we end up like Sweden. Have a nice weekend and go fuck yourself now you mean we traveled you know what that means before we end up like Sweden yeah you know what that means I don't know

you don't remember when they said Sweden Sweden used to you know Sweden remained neutral during World War two okay okay and they looked the other way and they allowed the Nazis to use their train system to go into Norway and fuck Norway up Is that what's gonna happen to no? Oh, okay, Norway had right before the war Regained the lower third of their comfort country from Sweden and Sweden's like whatever we didn't want in any ways or whatever, right? So then they during World War two Sweden remained neutral Okay, let the Nazis go, the Nazis fucked up Norway. Sweden became a power after World War II

just simply for the fact that their cities were still standing and they could function in a business capacity. Jesus, I'm using some pretty impressive words for me. So long story short, Norway ends up finding, and Norway didn't offer any, I mean, Sweden didn't offer Norway any help or any of that stuff. Long story short, Norway ends up finding, and Norway didn't offer any, I mean Sweden didn't offer Norway any help or any of that stuff. Long story short, Norway ended up discovering all this oil and that land that they got back,

I believe, or norther that, now they're making so much money over there, nobody wants to do like lower level jobs, so Swedes come in and do the jobs Norwegians don't want to do. You don't remember the Norwegians saying, or the Swedish people saying, yeah, we're like the Mexicans for Norwegians? Wow. Okay. You don't remember that? No, I don't remember that at all. When would I have, when would that be? When the guy said it to us, we've, I thought it would, the Norwegian guy, when we were in Norway.

I got to be honest with you and you're probably going to jump all all over me but when we did Norway, Finland and Sweden like I honestly can't I don't know I don't recall which was which country because it looked the same. Do you realize do you realize don't try to cover your tracks don't try to cover your tracks do you realize if you took me to Rwanda fucking Ecuador and what is the other one over there? You took me to three African countries, right? No. The Gambia. We've never been to Africa.

The Gambia. South Africa. And then we went to Rwanda. I was like, yeah, you know, to be honest with you, you know... I know what you're saying. It's a bunch of blue-eyed, blonde-haired white people. No, it looked the same. Norway, Finland, and what was the other one we went to?

What was the other one? I want to go. I want to go. You know how much that plane ticket cost me? Sweden I love because I love Stockholm. But what were the other one we went to? What was the other one? I want to go. I want to go. You know how much that plane ticket cost me? Sweden I love, because I love Stockholm. But what were the other three? I don't know. Why don't you go get a fucking globe and spin it around a couple times and figure it out?

I can't remember which country was which. I always wanted to travel as a little girl. Yeah, his three f- Was Oslo where we had that crazy meal, that like 10 course meal, like the never ending with the cheese at the end? Was that Norway?

Were they serving there? Why don't you just move out to Calabasas and knock on the Kardashians door right now? Why don't you just do that and just fit in with them? What does anything that I'm saying have to do with the Kardashians? What was that place that Aalik was saved? I don't remember. Then we ate the cheese. I don't remember what Finland versus Norway, like what we did, because they were geographically

very similar. All right. I'm going to have to remind you of these places in a way that your little travel brain little travel brain can remember. Okay. All right. Finland was where you got the coat. Yes.

Okay. I remember that. Okay. Now you remember that. Norway is where you got the cheese. Yeah. Okay. Great. And Stockholm, you loved, now you remember that. Norway is where you got the cheese. Yep, okay, great. And Stockholm you loved, so you remember that. There you go, that's the difference.

Oh, okay. Yeah, so Finland is the coat country. Got it. Oslo is the cheese. The meal, yeah. Yeah, we had that 200 course meal. Yep. And then there was that funkiest cheese ever,

and I was eating it, you were telling me to stop, and my eyes were watering. And the more you told me to stop The more I had to eat it because it was funny to me All right, it was cold. I remember it being cold. Yeah All right, Paris was the place that had the arch like in Washington Square Park. Yes. I remember parents. All right restaurant doesn't accept cash deer. No, deer Billy Red Tits restaurant. For some reason this is backwards.

It says restaurant doesn't accept cash deer. All one word, Billy Red Tits. I think it's Billy Red Tits restaurant doesn't accept. Dear Billy Red Tits. All right. The other day I went to a very trendy salad place in Hollywood and when I went to... Trendy. What'd I say?

Sorry, trended. Oh, very trendy salad place in Hollywood. And when I went to pay, I held out a $20 bill and the cashier said, sorry, we don't accept cash. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Have you heard this before? Yeah, on like trains, planes and shit. Planes I don't think they do.

What do you think? Yeah, we're working towards a cashless society where we're all going to be microchipped. And that's going to be it. and right when they gain control of all Human society the robots are gonna take over All right, lastly, but not leastly the last question here girlfriend wants me to call her daddy during sex There's a new one. Hey Bill. I just started seeing this girl. We've been dating for about two to three weeks She's smart attractive attractive, everybody says this. Career-driven and generally speaking has her shit together. She seems like a girl, she seems like a girl, she seems like a girl

as far as I can tell. She's got all the lady parts that I can see myself having a long-term relationship with. However, recently when we were having sex she insisted on calling me daddy. I've never been the type to talk dirty. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I say, okay, I get it. Oh, okay, I thought it was the other way around. I thought she wanted you to, okay, I get it, okay, okay, I see now. All right, well, that's pretty pedestrian.

However, recently, ba-da-da-da, I've never been the type to talk dirty because it seems kind of silly and takes me out of the moment. Yeah, you guys are not compatible. She's going to want to say all this filthy, crazy, over the top shit, and you're going to be like, oh, oh, like in your fucking chi, whatever the fuck you're doing, you know, which neither one of you are wrong. I don't know if you're compatible here.

When she started calling me daddy, I was caught off guard but tried to play through it because I didn't want to make her feel weird. Well, you're a good person then, all right? I even attempted to throw in my own lines like, oh yeah, you like that? But afterwards, left my mouth, I had to try not to laugh because it felt like I was in a cheesy porno and it started to affect my performance. Afterwards she asked me how I felt about it and I just brushed it off like it wasn't a problem but on the inside I was starting to have my doubts. I'm trying to paint a picture without giving too much detail because I know

you get all the weirdos you get all weirded out by shit but I don't get weirded out by a lot of shit. Is it weird that she likes me to call her daddy? Am I walking into a relationship with underlying daddy issues? Help me out, Bill, what should I do? Oh, I get to be Dr. Bill. So when he's having sex with you, she wants you to call her daddy? This is how Dr. Phil would handle it. Well, most of my fan base is female,

so you're the male and you're therefore always wrong. No, I would definitely bring it up to her. I would bring it up to her. It's difficult to bring up something like that with somebody, but if it bothers you, you gotta bring it up. I would bring it up and just say, listen, I'm not judging you or anything like that, but for me, you gotta keep it on your side of the bed. It just feels weird. Now, how do you say it? I don't feel comfortable having you call me daddy in bed. It just, it makes, just say uncomfortable.

Don't say weird. And then, hey, Nia! I need your help. Are you here, are you coming? I got the boo in the other room. All right, this guy's with this girl, he thinks she's great and everything, she wants him to call,

she wants to call him daddy during sex and it weirds him out. How does he bring it up without making her feel like she's got a fucking problem? I don't want you to call me daddy during sex because it makes me uncomfortable. I don't think it's wrong, I'm not judging you, but just for me, for me.

Pfft. Ha ha. Oh. That was perfect. Yeah, just be honest. There you go. But just say I'm not trying to judge you, I don't think you're weird,

because I know a lot of people do it, because a lot of people do do it. But just, it makes me uncomfortable, and I'm not ready to go there just yet. Can we come up with something else? Like they went different language, like she said, I pop it, yeah. Yeah.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Or you just picture some completely random language. I don't know. Is German random enough? German? Yeah, you don't want to go there next to no she's taking a shit on your chest. I don't know, buddy.

You got a, yeah, however, Nia just just said it that's perfect all right I'm gonna wrap up the podcast here all right that's the podcast everybody thank you for listening thank you guys once again for watching F is for family we got I don't know you never know what the fuck ratings you get on Netflix but you know they gave us another season so there you go I really appreciate it that's it please come out and see me and Dean Del Rey at the Fountain Street Church. Grand Rapids added a third show.

Tickets are hopefully going fast, but hopefully there's some left so you can get them because I'm saying there's some left. All right, that's it. I'll talk to you on, check in on you on Thursday. Bye. But don't let life go and pass you by. Those dark moments take you by surprise

Why listen? Why trust? Still telling me I'm good enough You can ring my bell You can ring my bell With the barren blowing through your veins Knowing family, knowing faith What to do, what to do, what to do And the time's coming right down on you You can ring my bell, honey Anything you need You can ring my bell, honey

Anything you need You can ring my bell, honey, anything you need You can ring my bell You can ring my bell You've got a sadness hanging in your eyes Well, I just wish that I could change your mind You can ring my bell, anything you need You can ring my bell You can ring my bell You can ring my bell You can ring my bell You can ring my bell

You can ring my bell You can ring my bell You can ring my bell You can ring my bell Oh Thanks for watching!