Monday Morning Podcast - Kimmel, Old Footage, Revolvers | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-17-26
Episode Date: September 17, 2026Bill rambles about his Kimmel appearance, watching old footage, and revolvers.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(39:47) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 9-17-18 - Bill rambles about football,... Pompeii, and The Charleston.Thursday Afternoon Interlude: DJ Shadow - ChangelingZip Recruiter: Go to http://www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURR to post your job for FREE. Policy Genius: Head to policygenius.com/BILLBURR to compare life insurance quotes from top companies and see how much you could saveCashApp: Don’t let your money sit around and gather dust - make it work for you. Take advantage of interest savings on Cash App today. Download Cash App today and make your money work for you. Hims: To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, and more, visit http://www.Hims.com/BURRSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast,
and I'm just checking it on you.
What's going on, man?
How's it going?
Thank you to anyone who watched me last night
on the Jimmy Kimmel show.
Thank you to Jimmy Kimmel for having me on.
Two crazy things about that.
evidently
I didn't curse
I thought I did one time
the clip they showed
the social reckoning movie
coming out
I dropped an F-bomb and I guess
maybe on the East Coast I don't think that they caught it
they showed it on the movie clip
you know the scene
blah blah blah blah blah
and the other guy goes yada da da
and you know it goes back and forth
and I say something something something
is fucking imminent
And I was surprised, even the studio audience, I was like, well, you know, I guess there's no kids here.
They played that.
But then again, I always swear a lot, so I didn't notice.
And then today I saw that.
Bill Burr did not curse on Jimmy Kimmel, but his movie did.
Yeah, baby, one way or the other.
Old Freckles is getting the F-bomb in there.
Also, weird thing is I was telling you guys how I just discovered this amazing singer, guitar, player, musician,
Judith Hill, who plays guitar like Jimmy Hendricks
and sings like she's from a...
Her voice is so unbelievable.
And I just discovered, and I was like,
who the hell is this?
And I was looking her up and I found out when she was just a kid,
like Michael Jackson saw her and was going to be like taking her on top.
By kid, I mean, like, you know, 20, 21.
I'm old.
So that's a kid to me.
It's kind of weird.
Jackson. Sara as a kid. Wanted to take her on tour? Not like that. Not like the
accusations. In a musician way.
Hey Bill, what are you saying there? Um, she was going to do that last, this is it.
This is it. Make no mistake where you are. I fucking hate that song. Somebody I know
likes that song. I forget who it is, but I like blocked it out. I'm like, you like, you
like that song? This is it. Anyway, I see.
saw her.
Is that Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald?
I don't like any songs that like fucking tell me I need to like start living my life.
You know, I got enough stress.
I don't need you to remind me that I'm not doing enough.
Remember that M&M song from like 8 Mile?
That gave me so much fucking anxiety.
You gotta lose yourself in the moment.
That da-da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-te-te-s.
Like, all right.
I know, I know.
I'm going to lose myself.
Just give me a minute.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Don't you think it, you know,
but those songs have to balance out.
You know, waste in away again in Margaritaville.
You know, if that guy's going to sing about not doing
and fucking up, blew up my flip flop.
Fucking came in an old sock, whatever.
However, I never understood the fucking lyrics out there.
But I know it's not that.
But like, if you're going to have those fucking songs,
it's my own damn fault.
Oh, boo-hoo, you fucking alcoholic.
You know what?
I always felt that that fucking song was
he was fucking given his sad,
sack story to some fucking new chick, his latest victim whose dad didn't stick around. So
he's literally telling you who the fuck he is. And then he's, oh, you know, I don't know why
she's up. I'm sure it was my fault. And he's just waiting for that fucking person to come up
and be like, no, what do you mean? What are you saying? No, it's not. Hey, hey, hey, what's going
on here? Nia's like, Nia got her own record player. And she's splitting up the fucking
records. That's my Beastie Boys. I got to talk to her. That's definitely your Fiona Apple.
Anyway, oh, Fiona Apple. Let's get back to Judith Hill. Singers literally just like discovered her.
I was like, who the fuck is this? I was telling you guys about that. And lo and behold,
I do Jimmy Kimmel last night and who's sitting in Judith Hill. Unfucking believable.
And then the other guest on the show was her, H. Period. E.m.
period, our period, who I discovered her when our daughter was first born and it was like a year,
she was about a year old and somebody else told me about her and I would play the song and my
daughter loved it. She would be like rocking back and forth in like her baby seat and she was the
other guest. I was like, all right, I like this. The vibes, the vibes are
happening here. So anyway, thank you to everybody who watched. I'll tell you, that Jimmy gives
fucking, he gives people a shot sitting in there with the band. I think that's really cool.
You know, Frankie Perez, the hottest show in Vegas right now, Frankie Perez and the All-Niters.
Jimmy gave him a shot, you know, it's a good dude, man. Looks out for other people. So, anyway,
that happened. And then I came home after.
after I did the show, you know, with the usual, like,
was that good?
Did I do all right?
Did I say this?
Anytime I leave those things, I always, like,
I can't remember anything that I said.
And then I always, like, torture whoever came with.
Hey, when I said this, that person's not going to think that, huh?
They're not.
Dude, you're fine, you're fine.
So, anyway, I came home.
Babab, boo-do, do, boop.
And I put on the, um, my,
put on the Moto GP race from San Marino, I believe, last week.
And that goddamn Mark Marquez won the sprint, and he won the race again.
Mark Marquez was 102 points down, like the end of May.
And he wiped out, and he already had something wrong with his shoulder.
They tried fixing it.
I think they fucked it up.
Then he messed up his foot.
He fucked up his foot.
He had that in a boot.
And he goes, all right, well, if you're going to do my foot, you might as well do my
shoulder. So he got everything taken care of.
He missed
a, I think he missed at least one
race, just got zero points.
And then he's been coming
back and he literally said that
he has one and a half arms.
And he's riding
in the F1 of motorcycle racing.
And this guy, like the last two races,
he won the sprint and the race itself.
And he just came back.
Like, you know all those racing movies
when you're down like 10 cars and
star car racing, like stroke a race
or like days of thunder
and then the star in the movie just
fucking puts it to the floor
and starts passing everybody. It's like, dude, why
wouldn't you doing that the whole fucking race? It doesn't
make any sense.
Right? He's actually doing that
in real life. So on the
main race, Marco Bischeki
got out in the lead.
And all Mark does is he just rides on your ass
and he gets in your fucking head
and then people try to do stuff and then
they just wipe out.
You know?
Like, imagine if you were swimming to shore
and there was a great white shark behind you.
Okay?
And he's not going to eat you unless you panic.
He's just sort of curious and you're swimming to shore.
And you have to just...
That's what...
I feel like that's what it's like.
They get in their fucking head.
They try to do too much.
They try to stretch the field.
And then the guy wiped out in like the fucking eighth.
turn, brutally, in front of his own home crowd, got no points.
And then Marquez is riding, he's fine.
And then Jorge Martine, who had the lead coming into the weekend and the points, he goes
out front.
I fucking hate when they switch the colors of the bikes out of nowhere.
I don't even understand.
I couldn't tell who the fuck was who.
Alex Marquez goes from this sort of weird colored blue motorcycle.
I don't know what you would call it.
It's, it's, I, I don't even know, you know what, my fucking, uh, my water bottle, water bottle blue.
Same color, right?
And then like, he's riding that the whole year, right up until the sprint on Saturday.
And then on Sunday, he's on a white motorcycle.
I'm like, who do you, then I got to look at number, 73.
All right, that's Alex.
So anyway, um, Jorge Martin goes out in front and he starts stretching the field.
And they start talking about how Marry.
Oh, you know, he actually had a slower lap time than, you know, the other people in the top four and blah, blah, blah.
At this point, I'm going, he's just resting.
What are he doing?
I'm arresting.
Oh, what are you doing here?
I thought I told you to go, fuck your mother.
He's just resting.
He does it in the middle of the race.
Chills a little bit, gives his arm a break.
That's how good he is.
And then he just starts pressuring, I guess for whatever reason, turn six.
I think Jorge kept going wide or whatever.
He went under and then Alex went under.
both passed him.
And then all of a sudden, Jorge can't keep pace.
Because I think they just chew up their tires.
I don't get how Marquez can do that.
He must pick, like, the perfect line
and knows exactly when to come on and off the throttle,
on and off the brakes.
Because he's riding faster than anybody.
And even when he's not, he still somehow keeps up with you,
which makes no sense to me.
And then in the end, he always has plenty of tire
to hold everybody off.
So everybody just ended up past.
and Jorge Martinez
and now they both have
274 points. Pedro Costa
once again, rode great, who's going to be
a fucking problem next year when he's
on the Ducati's.
I think he's
riding for
I think he's riding a Chevy
Monte Carlo
motorcycle.
He's got the
what do they used to call those entry
level cars? He rides for
KTM and for whatever reason. They can't get
their shit together at that level.
His bike was always fucking up earlier this season.
At least he's completing races, but a custom,
Ford custom.
Oh man, custom, really?
And it was like an entry level model.
I feel like that's what he's not, KTM isn't that bad.
Anyway.
Anyway.
So Marquez is now tied in points for the lead,
but because he's won more races than Jorge Martine by default,
he's he's now in the lead it's it's fucking insane and uh what do they got they got about a month
and a half a racist left so i just feel with like what happened yesterday or whatever this past
weekend i just don't think anybody is at his level of riding still which is insane
and I also think you combine that with him riding with Dukati
that's just game set match, even though they're tied.
I don't want to take away any of the drama.
I just don't like Jorge Martine for some reason.
Some races he just leaps out in front and just nobody can catch them.
And you just look at like, well, why the fuck don't they do that with the bike every week
if this is weekend if this is how the guy rides?
I don't know, different parts of the world, different air pressure.
Is that what it is?
All right, have I geeked out about fucking motorcycle racing enough?
By the way, everybody, I'm going to be in Nalans this weekend.
I'm very excited.
I'm playing, I don't know how to say it, the Sanjure Theater, S-A-E-N-G-E-R theater on Saturday night.
There's a few tickets left from my show.
And the significance of this theater is this is the theater.
Richard Pryor recorded his last hour.
long stand-up special
Richard Pryor here and now
in the early 80s
when he wore the white suit
and
performing there
I will have performed
in all three
of the venues that in my opinion
the greatest stand-up comedian
of all time has performed in
so it's really cool
like I've done the Terrace Theater twice
that's the one where he wore
the red shirt the black slacks
and the silver shoes
and then I've never headlined
the Palais
but I've done stand-up there.
I remember a long time.
Seth Rogan had a show there,
and then I did one with Netflix,
where I was hosting a show,
and I was bringing people up.
And that's the Palladium on Sunset.
That's where he did...
What the fuck was that one called?
It was live and smoking.
Oh, wait, that was the original improv.
which is now a pizza place.
Was the first one just called live in concert?
Yeah, and then the second one
was live on the sunset strip.
What the fuck's wrong with the brain?
Then it was here or now.
Anyway, I'll be performing there Saturday night.
I'm going to watch that special on the way out
just to get inspired.
You know I'm a fucking nerd for that shit.
Any history, showbiz shit or whatever.
Like I started the day today.
I was watching some of the thing.
somebody took footage of driving down the miracle mile on Wilshire Boulevard in the early 1950s.
It's really cool.
That's something people, I always think, I wish I did that when I first came to L.A.
Back in 1994.
And then when I came back in the late 90s and then when I came back in 2007, just do like the same drive.
Because, man, they are just knocking down shit out.
here to build the ugliest most soulless luxury apartments it's like nobody can afford those they're just
literally washing money um i i don't like i don't know it just seems like open-air corruption now where it
used to be a little more disguised you know they put a little sugar on the corruption in this country
but but and then you would go to these other countries and you'd be like holy the cops be literally asking
you for like payoffs you'd hear this in like different countries you're like holy shit what the
fuck's going i think we're we're on our way to that bill don't go down that i'm not going to go down
that rabbit hole no we're going to turn the ship around we're going to turn the beat around
turn it upside down bodo beepa boo pooh um turn the nerds around isn't it amazing how
are you guys are too young to remember this but i remember in the fucking
80s just laughing at these fucking nerds.
They weren't coming outside
to play. They were just sitting in the bedroom
playing on their computers.
And those motherfuckers, they bent the whole matrix
and turned what we thought was stupid
sitting in front of a fucking computer
rather than going outside
playing football, baseball,
street hockey,
talking to other human beings.
They literally dragged us.
They made their fucking isolated
like, what do they call those?
Those fucking kids who can't get laid
so they hate women and then they shoot up a mall.
What do they call those fucking people?
Monks?
You used to become a priest.
Back in the day.
Now they become a in-cell.
They dragged everybody into their fucking in-cell world.
We're all staring at phones, staring at tablets.
You know, nobody's fucking anymore.
They're just jerking off the porn.
They turned us into them and they're trying to make it normal.
It's not fucking normal, man.
You got to go outside.
Go swimming.
You know?
Come up with an opening line.
Make her laugh, you know, fucking porno.
It's unreal.
Like, how much shit has fucking changed?
You know, used to have to pedal a bison.
tattoos were permanent
you know
if you wanted to get laid
you had to fucking
convince a woman
come on
that was my opening
life let's throw your hands out come on
come on
do me a solid
um
yeah now it's just
you just I don't know what it is
to write a song you had to have some sort of musical
ability
I don't know dude
I don't know. It's a weird fucking world, but it's not all bad. It's not all bad.
So, anyway, plowing ahead here. Here's something that I had no idea, because now I'm going to go to all the CFL games.
I've just decided, like, I mean, I always have to have something that I'm trying to achieve when I go on the road other than going on the road.
Or else I'll slip back into, like, smoking three cigars a day and fucking drinking half a fucking bottle of bourbon.
there.
All right, here's something I didn't know.
Did you know the Canadian Football League?
I have no recollection of this whatsoever.
The CFL, the Canadian Football League,
briefly expanded to the United States
from the 1993 CFL season
through the 1995 CFL season.
Canadian football, a form of Great Iron Football,
differs from American Football,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Dude, and they didn't just have one team.
All right?
Let's see, what did they have?
Expansion.
They had the Sacramento gold miners,
the Las Vegas Posse.
There's your fucking trivia question.
What is the first professional football team
to ever play in Las Vegas?
The answer, Las Vegas Posse, CFL,
1993 to 1995.
The San Antonio Texans,
not the Houston Texans,
the Shreveport pirates.
They weren't even in knowledge.
Birmingham barracuders.
How many fucking expansion league
USFL teams has Alabama had?
The Memphis Mad Dogs
and the Baltimore Stallions
that was one, two, three,
four, five,
six, seven teams.
All right, and here's what's really interesting
is the Baltimore Stallions are the only non-Canadian team
to ever win a Grey Cup.
So if somebody ever asked you, no, if you want to trip somebody up,
how many championships does the city of Baltimore have?
You'd have to know all the NFL titles of the Baltimore
Colts. That's not a really easy thing to do.
How many the Orioles won?
How many the Ravens won?
And people are going to add those up, but somebody's going to leave out the Baltimore
Stallions won the Grey Cup Championship in 1995.
I still cannot believe that this actually happened.
Like, how busy was I?
I mean, sports has been my life. I had no idea.
The Memphis Mad Dogs?
The Birmingham Barracudy.
They went with a lot of alliteration.
Memphis Mad Dog.
Mad Dog's the name of a cheap fucking liquor.
Birmingham, Barracoutes.
There's no fucking barracudas in Birmingham.
Maybe in the Gulf of Mexico, right?
I love how they call that whole coast, the Redneck Riviera.
I always thought that that was cool.
The Redneck Riviera.
And I read this great autobiography, Ken Stabler,
who played for Alabama Crimson Tide.
And during the offseason, he lived.
lived right on the Gulf of Mexico, I think in Alabama.
And he had like a houseboat.
And they would just go out there and they would drink and fish and just have,
it just sounded fucking awesome to me.
I'm sort of a closet redneck.
Not the worldview, but like the lifestyle.
I like old trucks.
You know, love old trucks, love guns.
You know?
I will go down a rabbit hole looking at guns.
I don't like any of the new.
new shit. He's stupid AR-15s. It's like, how bad a shot are you? Or how much of a dick are you
that this, you feel like this many people are going to come at you at once? You know what I would get?
This is this thing, right, this is what I, if I was getting into the gun game and I wanted to make a
bunch of money, you know, with the latest gun, everybody thinks you got to have like a fully
automatic to da-da-da-da-da-da to get these fucking lunatics into it it's like you got to get them on board
you got to let them you let go of the red-tie blue tie shit okay and you got to look what the lizard
people are doing and they're coming all right and when i say they're coming they're coming with
drones so you got to come out with a gun that is specifically designed to shoot down drones the drone hunter
and I think what it looks like
it's a turret on top of your house
that's a fun word huh
fucking god you think I'm not ready
motherfucker I got a goddamn turret
up on top I'm listening to
Travis Trit in my fucking
turret motherfucker
bring that shit
right on top of your house
and you make it where it can literally
go on in a trailer park
a fucking
a rams
whatever the fuck you got going on.
Pre-fabricated, whatever the fuck you got going on.
It's the same thing.
You know, it's almost like the rock'em-sock and robots.
Remember those things?
Like, left, right, left-right.
Like the gun shoots like that, but it's smaller.
All right?
Now, I don't know if these drones have any heat on them.
But there's got to be a way that, like, there's a sensor
and it just locks in like the way, you know,
the old-school top gun with the square.
turn red and then they would fire.
Watch the canopy goose, right?
You got to fucking, that's what I would sell.
Okay, the days are walking around
the stupid thing in your hand, that's fucking over.
Okay, because there's nobody to shoot at.
They're gonna have some fucking nerd, you know,
in Arizona.
After they've, you know, they got rid of all the non-white people.
This is what they're on their way to do.
I'm convinced to this.
Then they will start dividing white people.
people. These are liberals and then the same
fuck, oh yeah, put them fucking liberals
in the band and take them out
to alligator out of the time.
Not realizing that all
of these people that you didn't give a fuck going in the van
they're all on your fucking team. Same teams.
And then they'll whittle it down. Then finally,
once they have full control
and you have your hat and your scarf and you
think you're on the team, that's when they're going to
come for you. And they're not going to
tolerate you having a gun collection.
But they're also not going to just, you know, go up to your house because they know you've got all the AR-15s and shit.
This is why you need a drone turret.
All right.
And the first 10 rednecks that come down here that learn how to spell the word turret will get a 13% discount.
That's going to be the last line of defense.
liberals are going to go down quick.
We're all going to be like, oh my God, can you, like,
what is like happening right now, you guys?
Liberals will be filming themselves on Instagram going,
oh my God, like what?
And then, like, the gun owners are going to be barricading themselves in.
But then they're just going to bring the drones to come get you.
I mean, you see what Iran is doing to our naval ships
with fucking drones.
Well, how do you think
you're going to hold up?
Okay?
We need to come up
with a weapon,
all right,
to stop the lizard people,
to stop the drones, man.
Dude, this podcast
went way off the rails
at least 11 minutes ago.
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How do you lay off a revolver?
I just don't get it.
You know what I mean?
I mean, it's like driving a real car.
It's like manual transmission and shit.
I always feel like those automatic weapons are like fucking...
It's like driving a Tesla.
It's like an electric car.
By the way, can we all...
I was so pro-electric cars.
I had no fucking idea.
But they're all surveillance vehicles now.
Listening to you, recording what you're saying.
It's just like...
So now they got to build all of these.
That's what those data centers are, I think.
It just has all of your conversations,
all the information about you.
So if you ever become a problem,
when they take you out,
they'll just, they're just going to take,
they're going to cut together like a movie trailer of your life.
And it's going to be all your ugly moments.
You know what I mean?
It's not going to be you being a, you know, a good parent.
It's not going to be you being patient.
It's not going to be you donating to,
you know, some good charity.
It's going to be you like hammered, you know, in your house.
Going, shut the fuck up, bitch!
Like, that's what...
You're going to get betrayed by your refrigerator.
Anyway, I'm thinking of redoing my office,
and I have a flat-screen TV out here.
I'm thinking of getting rid of it.
And just so I can have this safe room in the house
where you can just kind of go out here
and just talk without anything listening to you.
No cell phones allowed, none of that shit.
This is what the world that we're living into, you know,
moving towards.
Like, someone is going to, like, I, if,
I could do some things over again.
Oh, my God, I literally, anytime I don't have this thing on airplane,
somebody calls, I was right there.
I was right at the ending.
Now I got to do a fucking, I got to do a two-part or edit.
Anyway, if I could have redone it, like,
I think there's going to be almost like these restomod houses
where they're all modern, but then you have all old appliances.
Nothing in there is smart.
I like how they call it smart.
You know what AI stands for?
Artificial intelligence.
Not real intelligence.
Artificial.
It's artificial.
By the way, the orange cunt, you know, you know that guy?
The guy who got $2 billion and we got a hat.
The hat wasn't even free.
You had to pay for it.
Yeah, he said there's nothing to worry about AI.
It's just narcissists.
Like the level of credibility that they think it's like,
in what fucking world am I thinking that anything coming out of your mouth is the truth?
They're all going to say, oh, the oceans aren't going to come up.
nothing to worry about. That's what they're going to say publicly, so there's no stampede,
while they set themselves up on higher ground with all kinds. They're going to have coffee.
They're going to have chocolate. They're not going to get washed away. And then one day,
the ocean is going to come up and there's going to be a bunch of blue hats and red hats
just floating around the water. And that's going to be the end of us. And they're going to be
under a mountain or whatever the fuck it is they're doing. All right, that is the podcast, everybody.
Oh, I didn't even talk any football.
I finally got to see the Patriots game.
I thought a defense looked good.
You know, our offensive line is, you know, it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.
You know, we got a bunch of new guys.
We got some people hurt and stuff like that.
But I did find it interesting that the Seattle Seahawks have an intact offensive line,
which is amazing, considering they went all the way to the Super Bowl.
usually somebody you play all those games especially now it's a 17 game season but uh sam darnald their
quarterback got uh i only saw the first half i got to watch the next half after this podcast but like i
don't know if he came back but there was something going on with his hip um you know there's always
something there's always something defending super bowl champion
offensive line totally fucking healthy what happens
He heard his hit.
Quarterback ends up
his head.
Isn't that the balance of life?
All right, that's it, everybody.
Go fuck yourselves.
Have a great weekend, your cons,
and enjoy the music,
picked out by Andy Themless
in the moment's episode up.
The Thursday afternoon
just before Friday,
Monday, podcast.
Hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Byrne.
It's time for the Monday morning podcast
from Monday, September 17th,
2018.
How's it going?
How are you?
What's up with you?
How is your footmouse?
Sunday. I know what's going on with me. Like, I felt like I had a cold now. I don't know what I have.
And my wife's like, well, maybe you have allergies. It's like, I don't have allergies. I've
never have allergies in my life. And she's just like, well, sometimes there's late onset allergies.
So she's got me thinking I have allergies. I never, you know, I thought allergies for like people who had like inferior DNA, you know, just like weak people.
you know, like the kind of puppy that the mother ignores and just lets it die.
It doesn't let it get any milk.
You know, but we're human beings and everybody's special, so you keep these people going.
And then they just walk around constant state of like, you know, listening to their nasally voices.
Oh my God.
Did somebody eat lobster in the last month?
And then you've got to like fucking vaccinate your house, whatever it is, defumigate your house because somebody with allergies.
comes by, you know, but evidently I'm one of those people.
You know, my mom should have ignored me.
Who knew?
Who knew?
Maybe I have late onset.
Who do fuck gets allergies at 50?
You know, it's funny about all you other non-medical people out there.
Right now, what are you doing?
You listen to this podcast and now you're Googling this shit, right?
Everybody's just a dick to them.
I'm going to get the answer right now.
You know, do you ever consider the source?
Not to mention the fucking guy who's, you know, looking for the information being you,
not having a fucking medical degree, all of a sudden you're like some doctor.
I do it all the time.
That's why I got a nutritionist because I was trying to learn about food.
I just couldn't figure it out.
Everybody just, you know, had a conflicting opinion.
It was like these goddamn, uh, feminists and, uh, the guys with,
the date rape drug. They just can't seem to get on the same page. No, it's like Democrats, Republicans,
you know what I mean? They all agree on what the problems are and they're just sitting there
pointing fingers at each other. These fucking people in the food industry, it's the same thing.
You know, I got the fucking Giants Cowboys game on and there's some fucking asshole. He literally
is sitting on the field at a little two-top table. How much of those tickets? These guys are
running around fucking smashing their brains out, right?
And it's an incomplete pass.
And the guy puts his hands up like, where's the flag?
Sitting there like fucking Julius Caesar.
What is he?
Is he a high-ranking official at the Home Depot corporate office?
Can you imagine like the jobs that we have nowadays?
Can you fucking imagine if you just met people from the past?
And they're just looking at it.
You do what?
What do you do?
And we'd all be saying this.
shit and they just be like, they would all be just looking at it. You don't do anything.
And your wife does what, she what? Like the whole fucking, nothing would make sense.
You know? I wonder if it's going to be like that in a hundred years. Like we can actually,
you know, if we were still around a couple hundred years, we could just fucking look down on people
and what their jobs are because robots are now fucking, I don't know, entering data.
I don't know, people. I don't pretend to understand. But how did you guys enjoy, how was yours?
second week of football.
Mine was, you know, I mean, we lost.
It wasn't that big a deal, though.
Everyone's going to make a big deal.
You know, Edelman's not back yet.
It's the second week of the fucking season, you know.
You know, what the fuck?
Okay, fucking Jacksonville, they're all going to be fucking freaking.
Oh, my God, we finally beat the Patriots.
Does this mean we win the Super Bowl?
All right?
That's what everybody does.
Everybody gets all fucking excited.
Like, you know, when you're watching action,
movie? You know, the Rambo guy? Is he freaking out? No, did Chuck Norris freak out? No. You know,
freaks out the guy who's going to fucking die. That's who. So everybody relax, you know?
Jets fans, how many times are you going to get, you're going to let the lazy New York sports media
fucking gas up another guy? All right? He's had two fucking solid weeks. He's gone one and one. He's
thrown for 300 yards, whatever, fucking both weeks.
Very impressive, you know, but you don't become a legend in September.
I know you're hopeful.
I mean, even the fireman came back.
When did he come back?
You guys were such cunt.
You know, what the fuck is wrong?
The Jets fans, Steve, they chased a fireman.
How long are you cursed for?
Post 9-11 in New York.
You chased a fireman out of your own fucking stadium.
And you got the balls to think that a couple of decent weeks of football,
and all of a sudden you're walking down the street, talking to the camera,
calling out Tom Brady.
Tom Brady, the man you guys all.
We all wanted to be Tom Brady.
We all wanted to be good looking.
Be the quarterback.
Mary, a supermodel.
Have a nice fucking dimple in our chin.
Full head of fucking hair.
Mary, I already said that part, right?
fucking win five fucking Super Bowls.
Get a respectful
fucking nod
from Joe Montana as you're putting on
your yellow fucking jacket, right?
We all wanted that.
All right?
Well, guess what?
Despite all these fucking Instagram accounts
out there that are telling you
can do anything you want, everybody's
fucking special reality is
there's only one Tom Brady.
All right?
So all you green
cunch down there. I'm happy for you. I'm happy that you're excited, but you might want to reel
it in a little bit. You know, you ever have a friend of yours every time he fucking meets a chick,
he thinks that's the one. You know, and you're just going to laugh. I'm not to pick this guy up off
the fucking mat again. How many times can I sit across from you as you crying in your fucking
beer? All right? When are you just going to fuck abroad and move on? That's the problem with
these Jets fans. They're fucking romantics. Oh, they fell out. Oh, they fell out.
There's Eli right there.
That's Eli.
I know.
Throw him for a touchdown with a minute and a half left.
Too little too late.
You know, they probably let him go right down the field.
I love listening to people flip out this time of year.
You know?
I'm actually, okay, I'm taping this Sunday night.
All right?
I'm going to predict.
I'm just going to go around the league.
Look at the scores here.
I'm going to predict the fucking overhyping.
Me with my fucking 50-year-old allergies?
I have allergies.
I can't.
I won't allow it.
I already have a vericose vein.
I can't fucking compound that with an allergy.
Anyways, when I had it right here, I had the NFL scores, didn't I?
Isn't that what happened?
Now, why wouldn't you go for two there?
Then you're only down by nine.
That's just three drives with three field goals.
You could get back in this game with a minute 28 left.
I mean, he's going to have some fucking questions to answer after this game by people
who never got picked in gym class.
All right, let's go around the league.
Here we go.
The scores here.
All right.
This is what my predictions are going to be.
All right.
The Chiefs, I mean, I'll tell you right now,
I've seen a lot of people compliment into the league.
But this Patrick Mahomes, however you say is the Holmes.
I mean, if he keeps this up,
Kansas City will be undefeated
and they will win their first Super Bowl.
Bulls since Super Bowl 4, and Patrick Cahonez is going to have the greatest season ever.
The history of the NFL.
I do have to tell you, though, if Patrick Mahomes was fucking doing this shit for the Jets or anywhere in New York, good Lord, they would have declared a fucking state of emergency.
Onside kick, the Giants get the ball.
Look at this.
Here we go.
Cobbies are going there.
Still not enough fucking time left.
But this is when you as a gambling man.
You're like, this is fucking fixed, right?
Flipping out.
Although I think the Giants were favored.
Am I wrong?
I have no idea.
They're going to fucking sit there and freak the fuck out.
Ryan Fitzpatrick, I mean, the Buccaneers, Jesus fucking Christ, the 2 and O
the first time since fucking 2014.
Is this going to be their year?
I don't know shit about anything at this point.
All I can say about the Buccaneers is.
They're 2-0.
They've scored 75 points and they've led up 61.
All right.
40 of those fucking points were the goddamn saints.
So, you know, I don't know.
You don't fucking win games 4840 and shit like that in the playoffs.
So I would be relaxed with them.
You know, who obviously the most impressive team in the league has got to be the fucking ramps.
this scored 67 points and only let up 13 i know they played the fucking raiders they fucking
dick and they but they did what they were supposed to do they beat the shit out of them
after all luck lost their first fucking half um jaguars looked good though
but anytime you got tom coflin anywhere near it you're going to win they look good uh patriots
you know who knows i don't know we'll mean we'll look
see we'll see what happens when edelman comes back we had a couple of fucking injuries i don't
believe in the dolphins even though they're two and oh i feel bad for the bills uh the chiefs
god knows the chiefs the chiefs love nothing more than fucking fucking stroking their fans in september
will their fans finally get to bust a nut come playoff time or they once again go home with
fucking blue balls um who else i think that's fucking it most
of the old packers. I like the packers. I like the Rams. And then I like the direction the Jaguars are
going in. And the chiefs, I just, too many fucking times. They did it last year. Everybody gets all
fucking excited. And then, bum, bum, all of a sudden the holidays come along and right,
then they all start dressing up like fucking Native Americans. You know, they eat too much pumpkin bread.
And then they just shit the bed in fucking November. I have no idea. And basically, I'm judging the entire
franchise and what they've done in the past, even though they probably have brand new personnel.
I still believe, I still believe in John Gruden.
Despite all these people, is it any time for concern?
I mean, if they go 0 and 3, is John Cruden on the hot seat?
I know they were winning all day today and then they lost in the end, but this is a
fucking franchise that has been fucking lost at sea for a long time.
I've been impressed with, you know,
John Cruden played a great,
his team played a great first half
against the best team in the league,
I think, the fucking Rams
are the most impressive team so far.
And, you know,
played damn good against the Broncos,
not good enough, long enough, or whatever.
I still believe in this guy.
So there's my two cents.
There's my fucking white noise.
No pun intended.
Eli goes deep.
He, uh,
incomplete.
You know what they said when I was watching the Patriots game?
What's his face there?
Tony Romo, another fucking gem.
Another gem.
It's just like, it's like, it's like going to flying.
Every time you fly, you learn something.
Right?
Every time you listen to a game and Tony Romo is doing the color,
you fucking learn something.
There was a guy in the Jaguars.
He had our guy beat, and he was running along.
that was a, you know, run along the sideline,
whatever he called that fucking pattern.
And he was right on the sideline.
And Tony said if he ran two yards more in, like more towards the field,
it's such an easier throw for the quarterback.
He said he actually ran the route wrong.
I don't know if he got forced outside, but just, you know,
Tony's also going to side with the fucking quarterback.
But it was so fucking interesting going, oh, yeah,
because then he could maybe throw to the outside of the shoulder.
And that guy still has a step or a step and a half.
to adjust to the ball.
If you just run right on the sideline, the fucking guy's like a half step behind you.
Now he has to throw a goddamn strike.
What is he, Eli Manning into the fucking last drive of a Super Bowl?
All right, enough of that fucking talk.
It's still really early.
I called the my bookie people.
I picked the Jaguars.
I talked to Paul Verzi.
I picked the Lions.
His lock of the week was San Francisco.
And I was like, I don't think the fucking lions are as bad as that first game.
That's the thing.
When you shit the bed the first fucking week, because you're going to have a game where you just suck.
One of your 16 games, you're just going to come out flat.
You're just going to fucking suck.
Right?
But when it happens the first week of the year, everybody looks like, is just what they're going to do all year?
Yeah, Bill, we get it.
You got it.
You made your point.
All right.
Whatever.
I picked the Giants.
I'm going to lose this one.
and I had one other one.
I think I went two and one.
I went two and one the first week with my bookie,
and I think I went two and one this week.
I call them in every week.
I call the Sports Gamble podcast,
and I give you my picks.
And my lock of the week was that somebody was going to get fired
for criticizing the woman that did the play-by-play,
and I was fucking wrong.
I thought someone was going to do.
Someone was going to fucking jump on that fish hook,
and then that was going to be it.
Anyways, congratulations.
to Frank Gore passing Curtis Martin
very quietly
the guy he's fourth all time
I don't know if you're going to see
too many more of these guys the way they
fucking throw handoffs now
the only people in front of them now
is Walter Payton, Barry Sanders
and Emmett Smith
and I don't think anybody's ever going to
catch Emmett the way the game has changed
and that's it
and there you go
there's my fucking take
on the whole fucking thing for this week.
All right?
How long did that burn up?
Fifteen and a half minutes of your life that you're never going to get back.
All right.
This weekend, I am scheduled to be out in Virginia.
I think those gigs will be good.
And then I'm in South Carolina.
I haven't been keeping up too much on the hurricane.
I just keep seeing.
Yeah, I hate seeing.
You know, who the fuck wants to watch people lose in their houses?
I don't get.
Why do I want to watch?
want to watch that.
What's any of it? Hurricane Florence. Hurricane Fitzpatrick. Hurricane Florence.
Hurricane Flojo.
Hurricane Florence. Florence wreaks havoc in North and South Carolina. All right. So Virginia's
okay. So I got two gigs there. Now this is the hardest thing after a hurricane happens is
who do you give you money to?
you know what I mean?
How do I make sure the money that I'm going to donate gets to the right fucking gets to that person I'm seeing on TV?
By the way, you see all those people getting rescued, all those old people, people in wheelchairs, fucking broke-ass people.
That's what I was talking about.
People, we don't get the fuck out of there.
A lot of them can't.
A lot of them can't.
Oh, man, look at that.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Do you see that thing that Rogan fucking posted on Instagram with that guy?
I was doing this weird thing
was he was trying to act like he was leaning into the wind
and it just didn't look real.
And then two people walked by in the background
like totally normal.
I love when that fucking happens.
The best one ever is when the guy was in the boat
and then people just walked by.
And then what are you going to do at that point?
Is he going to get out of the boat?
I like the cameraman too, how he zoomed in to the guy.
He tried to do him a solid.
Must be his drinking buddy or something like that.
So anyways, all right, Hurricane Florence.
Hopefully the waters will recede.
I don't know, man.
I don't want to.
I don't know.
I got to check with my agent to see if the South Carolina one's still going on.
Jesus Christ.
I wonder if those fucking bankers that made off all that fucking money off of those people,
then you watch them lose their house.
If there's even a...
You know, there's not an ounce of fucking guilt, do you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They don't give a fuck.
They don't give a fuck.
fuck here we are going after fucking ISIS
with these fat fucking cunts
who fucked everybody
their own countrymen
at least ISIS has the decency
to go after people that
aren't their own countrymen
these fucking bankers that goddamn
committed treason
I don't know much about the world but I believe
if you did what they did here in Southeast Asia
you get put to death one of those fucking countries
who the fuck
is the coach of the giants did they get rid of
that fucking fat guy?
That guy who looked like they just took him out of the fucking mezzanine level?
Wait a second.
Do they get rid of that guy?
Giants head coach.
All right.
Let's see who he is.
Why does it always go to Wikipedia now?
All right, wait a second.
Tom Cople.
Then they had Bob McAdoo.
Ben McAdoo.
And they were like, Ben McAdone.
get the fuck out of here, sorry.
Then Steve Spagganulo.
He was an interim coach.
Now they got Pat Schumer.
Pat Schumer looks like a winner,
even though they're fucking O'N, too.
Gotta love an older guy that keeps himself in shape, you know?
Now here he doesn't have fucking white hair.
I don't know who he was.
I don't know who the fucking guy was.
Anyways, can I get on with the podcast here?
I didn't do shit this weekend.
It was such a fucking weird weekend.
I thought I was going to be on the road.
And then Mother Nature came fucking screaming in.
Is there going to be another hurricane behind this one?
Remember that parade of horrors last year?
They had like fucking 20 hurricanes in a Robespite.
It's probably.
I'm not upset by that, you know?
To constantly name them by women's names,
insinuates that we cause problems in men's lives.
I don't even know what they're fucking saying now.
actually did a gig the old day. I did a benefit Thursday night. Last time I was on stage.
And, uh, you know, I got to be honest, it was one of these, you know, they had like a red carpet
and all this shit. And I was just, I saw some of the people. I was like, oh, man. I'm going to
fucking bomb on this one. And it was the exact opposite. That's like one of the hardest I've ever
gone on stage in recent fucking memory as far as like, fuck it. I'm going to say this.
Fuck it. I'm going to say that. And it went great. Everybody was flipping out.
and enjoying it laughing.
A bunch of women came up to me,
meaning four,
saying how funny they thought it was.
And I got to be honest with you.
I think the same way
the mass media
misread this last
election, they are misreading
where
people's idea of what is funny and what isn't
because I was in Hollywood people.
Liberal ground
fucking zero and all
jokes killed and everybody thought it was funny and I was sitting there you know after every other
fucking yeah was that the one that's going to get me in trouble is this the fucking gagga tega
am i going to have to fucking you know it's fucking unbelievable now that you get like you can't even
have like an opinion that's what kills me it's not that you did something if you just have an
opinion that does not agree with them then all of a sudden you have to go on TV and you have to
fucking apologize I don't I don't this is
I really feel that they're going to make a movie about this era.
And it's going to be like the red scare, like McCarthyism meets like fucking MySpace or something.
Who's going to be in it?
You know, let me people sit around.
How many more innocent men are we going to let suffer?
Well, don't you understand.
You can't say anything.
Oh, my God.
What is this guy wearing?
He's wearing a fucking sport.
sports bra.
I am watching the Dallas Cowboys right now, and this guy just came out wearing a fucking
a half shirt slash sports bra from the fucking 1980s.
Did he steal that from one of the cheerleaders?
It's not even a half shirt.
It's a bra.
He's covering his male pectoralis.
They're zooming way in on Zach Prescott.
Right?
And then you know what's going to happen.
There's going to be a bunch of people who like to wear male sports bras that are going to be offended.
And be like, why did you zoom in on his manly beard when you could have shown this other guy who's essentially dressed like a spice girl?
Oh my God.
God bless him.
I'd love to be that fucking ripped.
I don't know if there was ever a point in my life.
I could fucking pull off what this guy's pulling off.
Holy fucking shit.
Oh, my God.
God bless him.
God bless him.
Anyways, I really am an old man.
I'm an old man now.
Christ, what are these kids wearing?
You know, I actually, I should be in full support of this.
Because we wore half shirts in the 80s.
I never had the nerve to wear one outside of the house.
You know, I was just too pasty.
I never thought I had fucking abs enough to do it.
You know what I mean?
And, you know, a few things I never thought would come back.
half shirts and fucking Larry Bird short shorts and they they are back with the fucking
vengeance it really is does anybody look worse in a fucking football helmet than Eli Manning I mean
he's first ballot Hall of Fame quarterback and first ballot Hall of Fame like I don't how much more
does that guy have to win before you you're like you can look at him wearing a helmet there's just
something about he looks like he's sitting between two fucking muscular people on a plane he
like he got the middle seat.
Their shoulders are mushing his face together.
I got a lot of balls considering the way I fucking look, huh?
Anyways.
Anyways, I fucking ran out of batteries.
You wouldn't know because I just said anyways,
because it magically ended with me saying anyways.
But I just did, I just did like another 10 minutes of the podcast
after I was talking about Eli sitting between two muscular guys on a fucking plane.
And I don't know, you know, I got to read these goddamn,
I'm going to read the fucking advertising again.
So know this.
All right.
This is my second.
I've already read these one time.
So I should breeze through these.
I should breeze through these.
Anyways, my bookie.
You hear that cricket?
There's a loud-ass fucking cricket.
Maybe that's the amount of people leaving the podcast at this point.
I have no idea.
My bookie.
You know, ever since I started this podcast,
people have been asking for my advice.
Ask me, you know, ask me what team do I bet on?
The truth is, I don't know who's going to win.
That's the truest piece of advertising that's ever been written for me to say.
I don't know who is going to win.
But if you think you know, you've got to check out my bookie, okay?
Remember, who you're betting on is just as important as who you're betting with.
That's why this fucking cricket's going to drive me crazy.
That's why I always tell people to bet with my bookie.
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I guess I do, according to the copy.
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It's trying to get its fucking bedding for the Thursday afternoon, Thursday night kick.
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It's not like these other fucking bookies where if you win, you pay.
Listen, if you win, they pay.
If you lose, you have to pay.
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It's up to you guys, but I'd wait until after dinner and take the extra money.
You play, you win, you get paid.
And listen to the after the part.
I can't do that one.
You listen after the Thursday podcast.
You can hear what I call on the sports gambling podcast
with Sean Green and Ryan Kramer.
Dollar Shave Club.
I'm watching a sports show right now.
Both guys are wearing shoes
and one guy's wearing high top sneakers
just to let you know that he's into sports.
Even though he has on a suit at heart,
he's a guy who goes, he watches the sports.
He must be the crazy guy in the show.
All righty then.
I know I keep teasing you guys
with this fucking Eastern European
in tour, but it is coming back together.
It is slowly, but surely, it's coming together.
Well, we had to, you know, they had me gone for like fucking 17 days and, you know, I can't do
that.
I got a kid, all right?
I'm going to come home.
The kid's not even going to recognize me.
So I'm going to break it up into two tours.
That is the game plan.
Oh, that's cool.
A Bill's quarterback retired at fucking halftime.
I hope he wanted to do that.
He made one last stop and he sent him out of here.
It's kind of a cool way to do it.
Anyways, I will definitely be getting out there.
And I know people from Australia have been asking me,
I'm going to try to make something like next year.
I think I might do like a couple of those little runs there when I'm overseas.
And maybe tape another special.
I don't know.
I don't know.
We'll see.
All right.
Alman farmer.
Hey, Bill, thanks for the semi-shout to the Blue Moon echelon tree nut,
the almond, on your podcast.
last Monday. Oh, that's right. I said it was the blue moon of the nuts on September 10th,
2018. I was walking through my almond orchard listening to your podcast when you talked about
seeing your first almond tree. I live in the region of Thunder Valley. Wasn't able to make it to the show,
but I hope that's not your last time in the Sacramento area. I fucking loved that gig.
That gig was so much fun. That crowd was awesome. I'll tell you right now. There's a lot of cunts out there,
Almond farmers, they're all right.
You guys are all right with me.
Anyways, he says, I am a tree nut farmer.
And California is a prominent producer of many tree nut crops,
including almonds, walnuts, pecans, and pistachios.
Yes, yes, and yes.
Pistachios, they're like the Doritos of nuts.
Once you start eating them, you're fucked.
You've got to get airlifted out of there.
You're going to eat the rest of them.
Almond Bloom in February, and it's a beautiful time of the year.
If you and your family are ever up here, please stop by for a visit.
Well, I got to be honest with you.
I respect farmers, even though I make funny when I'm in farming country, because that's what I do.
What am I going to say?
I respect farmers and get that duchy applause break, you know, like I'm some politician running for office.
Okay, and now next I'm going to say exactly what you want to hear.
You know, my opponent so-and-so said that you guys.
guys are, you guys are lazy, but I'll tell you.
I, everybody's going to be like, but I fuck that guy.
I'll tell you.
I've been here for the last three days, and I don't think I've ever seen anybody working
any hard of you people.
And every will lose their fucking mind with their dumb fucking American flag hat.
Isn't it weird how dumb people are that actually show up to shit like that are?
you know, I always noticed that.
Like when I was doing the Opie and Anthony show,
they had a bunch of people out listeners that were fucking smart.
But whenever you did a remote,
the fucking animals that showed up.
And it's the same fucking thing.
When politicians go on the road,
you know,
and they're running for those primaries and stuff,
and you just look at the people in the fucking crowd,
you know?
And inherently, they got to be,
they don't have a fucking job, right?
What are they doing there?
Well, maybe they're down there because they need a job and they believe in that candidate.
Well, yeah, I just will fucking vote for them then.
In the meantime, go fucking hit the bricks and try to find a job.
Oh, Bill, when are you going to stop oversimplifying things and actually try to read up on stuff?
I don't know.
Wouldn't a lot of the charm of the podcast be gone if I did that?
You know, is it me or is the sound of that cricket fucking?
definitely. It's like it's in here. It's like it's slowly sneaking up on me to fucking, you know,
is that the latest, uh, oh my God, look at that. Two young kids playing guitar. Holy shit.
Did they play the national anthem? Oh, thank God, there's hope. There's hope. Is that kid playing a
Gibson list, Paul? You spoiled. Oh, it's an epiphone. I was going to say, what the fuck? The
rich kid, you know.
Rich kid goes to the concert.
It's like, I like that drum kit,
and then the parents go out and buy the exact one, you know.
Does that kid ever make it?
Did you ever meet one rich kid that made it?
Can you say Donald Trump made it?
You have to.
Even though he was rich, he turned the millions into billions,
and then he became, the guy, he's fucking president of the United States.
No matter how much you hate the guy, you got to admit he made it.
He is a fucking American success story.
Like if you were at the track, okay?
And you, I mean, if he was the odds, what were the fucking odds?
I can't imagine.
I can't imagine.
I still cannot fucking believe that guy pulled that shit off.
You know?
It's like watching Tom Brady throw for 500 yards at a Super Bowl and still somehow losing.
Like, how does that happen?
All right.
So I've been under the weather the last couple of days, but I stayed on the diet.
And, oh, dude, I have a, I have a story, but I can't tell it right now.
I have to wait.
I get a wait of, like, months from now where I feel like I can tell the fucking story.
But, uh, anyways, I watched that boxing match, you know, that triple C guy where I don't
know any, I've been away from boxing for so fucking long.
I just got so fed up with how fucking corrupt it was.
And, uh, just getting burned on pay-per-views.
you know what I mean?
Like I really feel like Floyd Mayweather,
the people that
still won't give it up
how great that guy is,
like it's just a fucking shame
that that guy didn't fight Pacquiao
in the 2000s.
You know?
And then that we all got taken
for a fucking ride when he did.
And now I'm seeing that
he's going to fight him again.
And,
I mean, personally, I think that guy's
undeniably.
One of the greatest of all time, without a fucking doubt.
I mean, you can't argue that.
But I really think these cash grabs
that just doesn't help.
But maybe he doesn't give a fuck.
You know what I mean?
Fighting Column and Gregor
and now you're going to fight like fucking Pachio again?
I don't know.
But anyways, but I watched that fight.
A couple of fucking warriors.
I came in and I went to a party
and I saw like the last three rounds of it.
I was like, fuck, I wish I saw this whole thing.
But I remember Verzi was giving me shit because they're like, you know, dude, I can't get into fucking MMA.
I really love boxing.
Boxing is so much better and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And I have to admit, a great fucking boxing match as far as like combat sports.
I still, you know what?
I have to agree.
I don't think he can touch it.
And you know what I like about it?
Because I love MMA.
Fucking love the shit.
But like, when you watch those, like this stand-up game in MMA, you can't touch a boxer.
Now, I know all you MMA guys are going to flip out.
Yeah, you put a boxer on his back and he's done.
I understand that.
But it's the fact that all they do is throw punches, like how fucking good they are in boxing.
It's incredible.
Like the level of skill and those guys were just in the center of the ring from the last three rounds that I would watch
and essentially just banging, just beating the shit out of each other.
and I know a lot of people didn't like the decision.
And I always go to how corrupt fucking boxing is.
And the thing that I like about the UFC is despite the fact that it's sort of like Apple,
where it's like this borderline monopoly.
But they can at least, you know, the best guys fight the best guys for the most part.
I know it's not a perfect system, but there's not like, you know, three different leagues.
And somebody has to try to unify the title and all that shit.
All right, for some fucking reason, I went to, I just hit stop against.
And I got three fucking ones I got to edit together.
I'm such an idiot.
Anyways, yes, I was that, you know, fuck I'll tell the story.
I'm sorry I got to name any names.
I was at this party.
One of these, like, really cool LA parties that you hope you get invited to.
And I got invited to it.
And they had Cuban cigars there, which was fucking incredible.
It was a beautiful house, just beautiful house.
And I went into the, I went into this room with, you know, the TV room.
They had the boxing match on.
And I look over and a fucking one of the greatest boxers for when I was growing up was there.
And it was fucking hilarious because it was him.
And then just a bunch of regular people like me who didn't fight, you know, you know, ever or whatever, you know.
So he's sitting there
So it was like you didn't want to comment
You didn't want to say anything
But you wanted to say something
Because you wanted to show that you knew something
It was fucking hilarious
People were trying to be
Everybody was like
You know
Wanting to say something
But then kind of like
Not wanting it was fucking hilarious
So I didn't say anything
I'm like I ain't saying fucking shit
There's no fucking way
I'm going to be like
Oh throw left hook
His hands are too low
why set it up with the jab like i'm going to fucking say that with this champion sitting there right
so uh my interaction was this at the end of the fight there was the decision
and this one of the greatest fighters of all time was just he went oh man come on and i just said
no and he went no and that was my interaction i left the room as like all right i got my
interaction but there was no
way. There was no fucking way. I just, you know, I just watched the fight and was praying to God.
He would make some comments, which he did a couple times. And it was just like, oh, my God,
this is unfa fucking believable. Don't let anybody have a shit on fucking L.A.
I'm telling you, you get out here, you bust your fucking ass. And then I'm telling you,
the fucking people that you meet, even just for two seconds and you have a one word exchange.
It's like you got to be kidding me.
I remember a long time ago when I was just struggling this business and I was on the fucking the Fox lot.
And I just bombed some audition.
And I was just like, what am I doing out here?
I shouldn't be out here.
I should be in New York trying to get better as a comedian.
I just knew this wasn't my road.
So I was walking out and I was all fucking depressed.
And as I was walking across the lot, fucking Henry,
Winkler. This was like 20 years ago, right around the time he was doing the water boy,
just came walking by. And I was like, that was fucking, that was Henry fucking Winkler.
I just got to, that's how fucking cool is that? I am somehow, was in his fucking life
for like five seconds. Whatever I'm doing leads to meeting that guy. And then like fucking,
I don't know, 20 years after that, Bill Hader's show Barry comes out. Next thing you know, they
want me to interview the cast and I'm fucking sitting there talking to Henry Winkler.
It's an incredible place that probably won't be here with this global warming.
I don't know.
Who knows?
I'd say get out here now.
Why you still can't.
You know, go down to Miami.
Check these places.
These places are going to be, you're going to be like somebody like, you know, when you're old
talking about how you were, yeah, Pompeii.
I was there, man.
Fuck yeah, I was there before the waters came up.
I was fucking there.
I did some blow.
I got my dick sucked.
And I had some fucking crab legs.
Except if you're going to say it like an old man.
I was down there.
I did the Watusi.
Right?
Whatever the fuck you'd say.
Like doing blow at that point would probably be like, you know, bringing up doing the Watusi.
Whatever the fuck that was.
What was it?
Like some sort of minor dance?
you know, like what qualified is a fucking day, like, it is it amazing.
Just how human beings progress creatively.
They're like the Charleston, Charleston, Charleston, but da, ba-da-boo, right?
And now, like, what, how well some of these kids can fucking dance just in clubs?
It's like back in the day, like Fred Astaire would be asking for a goddamn lesson.
It's like Odell Beckham.
Ever since he made that falling backwards while getting interfered with one-handed,
like as far back as you can reach behind your head, catch.
Nobody ever made a catch just like that.
Now, like, I don't know what they're doing.
They're doing this thing with their strength, and then their fingers,
or they're just practicing it.
Like, a guy in the Jaguars did it.
Like, I watched that.
The only thing, it was as, oh, I can't say it was as good as Odell,
because Adele was the first guy to do it.
And the big thing was he was getting interfered with.
while falling down backwards.
But this guy just, he just reached out like,
it was like Spider-Man,
just snagged the thing,
then moved it around so the defender couldn't knock it out of his hand.
And like, that's like,
that's sort of the joy.
I got him in, it's like the Jordan effect.
Like that shit that, you know, Kobe was doing, like,
by the, like, they all saw Jordan do it
and then they added it to their game
because he showed, hey, you,
this is possible.
What are you talking about?
I don't know.
I'm trying to say something positive
before I try to say how great L.A. is.
And then in the back of my head,
I'm like, you know, it's going to be fucking,
I don't know what it's going to be.
All I know is I got a weird feeling that it's going to be all green
and it's going to be raining like the fucking rainforest.
You know, they said that it's going to be like weird weather.
Like it's going to be just everything, like whatever it used to be.
Like the East Coast is going to get all fucking hot.
It's going to be a goddamn desert.
And then out here is going to be like lush land.
I don't think there's going to need lush land.
That's just wishful fucking thinking.
I don't know.
Who the fuck knows?
But they've always been saying that we're going to fall into the goddamn ocean and all that shit.
Do you guys watch any of that college football?
What a fucking weekend.
You know what?
When I went out to go to that party,
I could feel that Ohio State TCU game was good.
I knew I was leaving early.
And I think I missed the game in the year.
so far.
And by the way,
oh, before I get, move on to the next game.
TCU, by the way, how quickly are they on their way to probation?
You know, I don't get these guys.
These guys came out of nowhere.
They were great.
And then they fell off, which you see.
Now of a sudden they're great again.
And at Texas and it's three letters, TCU, SMU.
I'm telling you, there's something there.
I'm just fucking with you.
TCU is one.
I fucking love watching that team, man.
exciting as hell and almost had a great comeback against Ohio State.
And they're 2-0.
Well, their coach is suspended.
He's allowed to coach during the fucking week,
but on Saturdays he is not allowed to coach.
Tell me, I don't have some sort of headset wire thing going on to some shit.
Urban Meyer.
Anyways, plowing ahead here.
That kid from North Texas who did the fake.
fair catch.
The next time he calls for a fair catch, he better be waving a goddamn white flag.
Because that dude is going to get stuck for the rest of the fucking year.
Because he humiliated whoever the fuck he did that to.
And when people see shit like that, you're like, you ain't fucking doing that to me.
Then they give you the old right there, Fred.
So keep your head on a swivel there, Sonny.
I still don't understand how the fuck he pulled that off.
You know?
big time confidence
big time
fucking confidence
um
did I read from the almond farmer yet
did I miss that one
did that one get cut off
and all the fucking confusion here
this almond farmer wrote me
said he was actually listening to the
podcast while I was
talking about almond farm
then he invited me you know to stop by
which is always creepy you know what I mean
those farmhouses like
I love farmhouses and all that fucking shit, right?
But, like, they're all scary looking.
Farmhouses are, they're scary during the day.
Because you never see anybody.
And you just always feel like they have all these, this old fucking,
they have like sickles and shit.
They can feed you to their pigs.
I don't know.
They're a shady group, man, those farmers.
They're out there by themselves.
You can't tell me you don't slowly go insane when you're a farmer.
You know what I mean?
not when you're fucking a farmer.
All right, ladies, you keep doing that shit.
All right.
You don't have to be lonely playing with his fucking almond-scented bulls.
All right, living off of smoothies.
Oh, LSU, by the way.
LSU is fucking 2 and O.
I watched the whole game.
I watched the whole game and I watched so many sports, so much sports this weekend.
I can't even remember who the fuck they played.
Auburn.
Jesus Christ.
In Auburn.
right
war
fucking eagle
right
they went down there
and they went down there
and they fucking
I know a lot of those
Auburn people
they're upset
they'll like
oh they one on them
fucking pass
interfered
girl scout
fucking calls
um
I am a big proponent
of cornerbacks
and how much
they get fucked over
but both of those
were in interference
if you were at the game
that one over the middle looks like bullshit
because they didn't show you the full replay
where the guy just held him for like, you know,
10 yards, totally slowed him the fuck down.
And then the other one, the guy was grabbing his fucking arm.
You know, it was borderline.
Sometimes you get away with it,
but he got caught, but he was doing it.
I can tell you this.
We're fucking 2-0.
And what's his face there?
Their coach, the hell's his goddamn name.
I just keep spacing on his fucking name.
I'll get it.
He's the best thing in the SEC, if not in the fucking college football right now.
I tweeted that he sounds like a fucking Cajun Hulk Hogan, Ed Orgeron.
I'll tell you right now.
I'll tell you right now.
We went out there.
I'll tell you something what, brother.
He sounds like a fucking wrestler.
And he's got him believing in themselves and they got a quarterback that's playing on right now.
Look, we all know the Alabama Crimson Tide is a fucking professional football team.
All right?
I don't know what the fuck Nick Saban is doing.
How he gets all those good guys.
How he's fuck.
I don't know what.
But that guy is the fucking guy.
Nick Saban.
I love rooting against him, but I love that guy.
I love Nick Saban.
You know, I love what he's done with Alabama or whatever.
But, you know, when I needed to pick a college team, I wasn't going to fucking jump on the bandwagon.
You know, I like rooting against the fucking people.
You know what I mean?
Well, do you?
I don't know.
Maybe you don't.
Anyways, plowing ahead.
Living off smoothies.
Hey, Billy, fish paste.
Last week, you mentioned you'd love to just live off smoothies if you could.
Well, it turns out you can.
There's an entire niche food market called meal repast.
replacements or complete foods that contain all the carbs, fats, proteins, fibers,
micronutrients and everything else the body needs to function properly, all in one serving.
Yeah, I know, but I get nervous because when I, I just feel like that it's science,
and then they always put all these fucking chemicals and shit in there.
Some come in powder forms, so all you do is mix it with water, others come ready to drink in
the bottle.
The difference between them and something shitty, like insure, is that they take human biology
and complete nutritional needs into account
and make sure you get the full recommended daily intake
for all vitamins, minerals, and macros.
Also, most of them are made from whole food ingredients.
This is probably what the future is going to be like
when we fucking destroy the whole planet.
And the only people left are living in this giant air-conditioned
fucking greenhouse.
And they just in there with, I don't know what, chemicals.
But eventually you need plants.
They have their own ecosystem.
Like, we're going to heal the earth from inside here.
And then it's going to work on the way out.
There's another side.
I always pitch these sci-fi movies, you know, and then years later, they end up making
them like that fucking population joke that I did that you take a test.
They literally made that fucking movie.
Where's another one for you, you're thieving cunts?
Actually, go ahead and make it because I'm not going to fucking do it.
Did you just give consent?
Here's one for you, right?
The whole fucking world looks like a goddamn desert.
There's all water world desert and all that shit.
And it's just this one fucking greenhouse, giant fucking greenhouse, the size of Dallas Cowboys Stadium.
And in there they actually have plants.
They got some chickens and shit.
It's like a fucking arc that doesn't go anywhere, right?
And in there is the perfect fucking ecosystem.
All right?
And then they're going to gradually, like they're,
thing is, is if they have to wait out all the waste and hope that the planet comes back.
And then they gradually, every year, they try to expand a little bit more of their stadium to fucking include more of the,
reclaim more of the fucking scorched earth, right?
I'm already off the rails.
I don't know if this fucking works.
But somehow there's a fucking guy in there and he wants to take control.
And it's all about the fucking air conditioner.
Right? That was a bad one.
One of you nerds can figure it out, right?
All right. Anyways, the one that first came online a few years ago was called,
this is back to the Living Off Smoothies, Soylent.
They make powder and pre-mixed drinks very tasty,
but there's dozens of other companies that make similar products.
You know, one of the guys I fly with, you know, his digestive system, whatever,
that's all he does.
And we flew back from this place one time when I was talking.
Drink this, man.
You'll be full.
and I drank it and it felt good, but it was too weird.
I would need to read up on it,
but I know I'm not going to.
So I'm going to stick with what I've been doing.
But I would think that you'd be in great shape, right?
You know, it's nice and easy to digest.
I don't know, it depends on what's in it, though, right?
Anyways, there's a dozen of other companies that make similar products like Hewle.
Hewle, are we happy?
Hewle, H-U-E-L, Jimmy Joy, violent and super bar.
body fuel, all with their very own special take on how to fulfill dietary requirements.
It's been working for me for years, and I even lived off Soylent for a month straight a couple
years ago with no issues, along with hundreds of other people.
But you obviously don't have to do that.
You can just use it for breakfast or whatever you want.
Thanks for all your laughs and go fuck yourself.
Well, let me, did you lose a bunch of weight and shit?
Like, why don't fat people just fucking do this?
Or look into it.
You know?
Because I figured that once they push through and get off the sugar salt, they can start turning in and around.
And one of the hardest things to do about eating healthy is now you've got to sit there and prepare the shit while you're super hungry and your body's going, fuck this.
Order a pizza, man.
Order a fucking pizza.
But if they just all these containers ready to go, you just shake it up and you drink it, that could actually help some people.
But I would definitely, if you're going to do that, if you're listening to you're thinking of doing it, I would definitely do some research as far as like what is in them.
All right, boycott.
Dear Billy Boycott, how do you feel about boycotting?
Have you ever boycotted anything?
Yes, I have.
I have.
Is there any reason you would boycott a show,
podcasts, or company because you didn't agree with their behavior?
No, or not their opinions.
I would, I would like, if something sucked.
So I guess that's not a boycott then.
all right anyways he goes i feel like you have a thick skin so you probably have only you probably
only have reason to boycott a group that was censoring you or your comedy um yeah like when i
boycott something when i boycott a company because of their behavior well i hate bankers but
i still fucking use them so there goes that uh yeah i don't know i don't know i respect people if
that's what they want to fucking do i would put it that way but
Like, I don't know that I would, uh, I, you know, I get why people do that shit.
You just have to do a lot to fucking lose me, I think.
You know what I mean?
Like, I hung in there with Trump and, you know, because I root for the president,
whether I like them or not.
But like, once his wife wore that, yeah, I don't really care to you, jacket to that fucking,
you know, when she was going down to see kids that were taken away from their parents,
I mean, whether they're right or wrong.
about their way they're handling immigration or how they want to enforce it.
You know, that goes out the window when there's some kid crying missing his parents and he
or she's scared, you know, and you're going to wear something like that's when they lost me.
And I was just like, all right.
But I still don't trash them in my act, you know.
God knows there's fucking plenty of people doing that.
So I, be honest with you, at this point in history, I think it's really important rather
than to walk away or something like that, it's more important to try to get
something going to talk or something.
Because this screaming and yelling shit, Jesus.
This comes from somebody who's a fucking screaming cunt.
You know, it just, it doesn't fucking,
it doesn't make any sense.
I understand why people do it.
They get emotional.
Jesus Christ, God knows I get fucking emotional today.
This guy was supposed to move some fucking furniture out of my house.
It's one of the fucking workers, like I, you know,
I did all this work on the house.
And like, I love the house as much as I,
bitch about it and, you know, I brought it back to life where a lot of people did some
Home Depot bullshit to it and I tried to restore it, you know, update it in the walls,
but like outside it, try to make it look like, you know, the time when it was created.
It was, you know, so I went and I got these vintage door handles and somebody swiped one
of them and I swore to fucking, I got it back though. I got it back. I raised fucking holy
hell. It's one of the few times my wife didn't give me shit for losing my mind. I fucking lost
my fucking mind. What is that about when somebody steals from you? You know, it's just that
it's like, I think I'm that fucking stupid I wasn't going to notice? Do you think I'm the kind
of person that's, that's not going to fucking pursue this? Like I, I, oh, Jesus Christ. Oh,
there's a reason I don't fucking own a firearm.
You know, so that's one of those things that they should do is they, when you go down to get a fucking gun license,
they should like spy on you for a week and just figure out what irritates you and then they just come in and do it.
Just have somebody do it to you in the parking lot and just see how much you lose your shit and just see if you shouldn't have a fucking gun or not.
I would never shoot anybody, but I think I would definitely brandish a weapon.
I'm fucking waving somebody's face.
buddy i am going to shoot you in the face you don't put your fucking hands on that dashboard one of
those underrated performances in any tarrantino movie the guy who played that fucking cup
um in the bathroom scene all right buying a Lamborghini
hey billy the financial advisor
this might be my favorite fucking question ever are you going to buy a Lamborghini you
ever just live vicariously through somebody?
I'm more of a Ferrari guy, but God bless you.
You know, I'm not a...
Lamborghini guys are more flashy.
Hey, Billy, the financial advisor, I'd appreciate your take.
My childhood dream has been to own a Lamborghini.
Then, God damn it, get yourself one.
Not because of the whores, he says,
I'd attract, but because I have a huge interest in cars,
and they've always been a motivation for me.
Problem is, I'm not 100% sure if I should...
I should. He left a word out.
Drop $250,000 on a car.
I know the old saying, if you have to ask, you can't afford it.
It has truth to it, but I'd like to get advice from people on a big decision.
Well, dude, I'm not the guy.
I'm currently 27, he says.
Did my master's and work a commission-based job, a realtor,
and luckily he had a few good years in the past.
From the money I saved, I managed to buy three investment properties.
Oh, dude, you're, you're, yes.
Okay, this is all great stuff.
I know technically they belong to the bank, but I've been able to build equity that way.
The shitty thing is, because I've been buying these, I ended up not buying a place for myself.
My parents have been nice enough to let me stay home with them.
I know that this is kind of fucked up, but I'm from South Africa and it's frowned upon to move out before getting married.
Well, dude, you're saving a ton of money.
So I guess I kind of took advantage of that.
No, he didn't.
That was their rule and you're just,
you're playing within the rules.
Anyways, also, you can tell them a Patriots fan?
That's not wrong with that.
I didn't say you can't do it.
Also, I don't have a girlfriend and actually don't get laid at all,
so I'm not doing it to impress girl.
I can give a fuck about him.
You are just a fucking asexual money-making machine here, sir.
My question is, should I buy my own place first,
then save up for a lamb,
or fulfill my childhood dream now.
The reason I don't want to necessarily buy a place is because then I'll have a lot of pressure
to find a wife, and I know no woman will ever let me spend $250,000 on a car unless I spend
$250 grand on her.
And because it may delay my dream another five or so years, and I want to enjoy it while
I'm still relatively young.
All right.
Wow.
This guy's really planning out his life.
I like this.
Also, if it matters, I have about half of the amount I need saved up so far, and we'll either save up for another six months to a year.
And yes, I've researched maintenance costs and have factored those in, too.
It's guys done his homework.
Any help would be appreciated.
Thanks for the free podcast.
And any advice from Nia would be helpful to you guys are great together.
And I wish I had friends in real life like you guys.
That's really nice.
Now that I'm done sucking your dick, thanks and go fuck yourself.
That's hilarious.
All right. Well, I think you know more about money than I do.
Here's the pros to buying a Lamborghini.
They do retain their value.
Okay, if you don't wrap it around a fucking tree or modify it or do a bunch, you know, put a bunch of miles on it.
The weird thing about a Lamborghini is that, you know, these fucking guys get them.
And then they have them for 20 years and they sell them and they always have like 800 original miles.
and it's like, why the fuck did you even have it?
Secondly, I don't know if it helps you.
That's not a good look if your real estate agent is 27
and pulls up in a fucking Lamborghini.
That would make me feel like this guy's taking way too much commission.
He's fucking me.
So if you're going to get it, I would not drive it to work.
And as far as you're worried about women,
here's the secret with women is you've got to be up front with them.
Okay?
you have to tell them from fucking day one that this is what you're doing and then you have to follow through and do it and don't let them do that shit where they go well that was before i was pregnant
Nope. Nope. Nope. All right.
I would lean, I would, listen, I think there's a massive, like, bubble being built here.
I don't know shit. So people don't listen to me. Okay. I know I'm a bald guy and I know I scream,
but I'm not that guy on TV who yells about the stocks. I'm just a fucking stupid comedian.
Okay? And I go with my gut. And my gut is because I travel around the country and I fucking look at people.
All right? And what's,
been freaking me out is a shit that I'm talking about where it's like a fucking Thursday afternoon.
I'm on the road and I go to a breakfast place and it is fucking packed. I'm standing in line like it's
Sunday after church and I'm just looking around going don't any of these fucking people have a
fucking job and I'm looking at them all and they all have smartphones and they have fucking iPads
and they got fucking their custom fucking sneakers that they ordered and everybody is living this
fucking lifestyle and part of this lifestyle is building all these fucking luxury high risers
apartments. I mean, this is my fifth time around the block with this shit. All right?
Started with the fucking yuppies. It was the first time I saw it. The fucking dot-com shit.
The housing bubble. Everybody's getting a house, you know, from fucking 10 years ago.
And now this shit. So maybe it's my fourth time through this. But this is what happens.
So I think keep doing what you're doing with your money. And either stay.
at home. I wouldn't buy the, I wouldn't buy the
long, no. I don't want to talk. It's a
fucking dreamy or so. There's no way
I'm going to talk a guy out of his dream. Or a woman,
or hermaphrodite, or somebody transitioning. Did I cover
everybody? Am I still in show business?
I
and then as far as the pressure you're going to get to get
married, fuck that. Okay? At some
point you've got to be, listen, I'm not doing that. Okay?
I'm going to get married when I find the
right person. Okay?
And if you don't know what I'm talking about,
just watch Coming to America.
Okay, I think you're going to find a lot of themes that you can relate to.
That's you.
My coming to America is kill the Irishman.
Anyways, yeah, I think, you know,
here's the thing.
Here's another way to have a Lamborghini.
You could have a Lamborghini for like a year and then turn around and sell it.
You know, my only thing is,
I think I would kind of wait until the fucking,
a Lamborghini is a great thing to buy during a recession.
Okay? Unless you're talking about buying a new one, then, you know.
But, I mean, you're always going to be able to sell a fucking Lamborghini.
And I've never seen, well, you know what?
Let's fucking look them up.
By the way, I fucking love this.
I love anybody with a fucking dream.
And this guy, like, he wants a fucking Lamborghini.
And God damn it, he's going to figure out how to do it.
I love this.
Lamborghini used for sale.
All right.
Let's see what we got here.
Let's see what we got to.
Use Lamborghini for sale.
$35,900, $17,99.
See, this is why you don't listen to me.
Is that the poster?
Is that the actual fucking car?
Are you serious?
Oh, that's a kit.
You fucking.
cunt. It's not a real one.
Use Lamborghini. Wait, those are all fucking
kit cards. You fucking assholes.
All right. Hang on
a second. All right. This is more like
it. Use 2017
Lamborghini
Eventadoc
S. Coup. I don't want to say it.
$399,711.
Use 2007.
Here's another thing. Dude, you could fucking get one.
Buy a used one.
There's a used 2007 Lamborghini.
It's still going to turn heads for $99,995.
2017 Lambo you can get for 209, 582-door coupe.
And then you can get a 2018 Volvo S-90 for $375.75.
Who the fuck is looking at this?
Well, maybe I'd like a Volvo.
Use 2008 Lamborghini
Mercelegalegro Revention Coop.
For some reason, they won a million
18. What? No fucking way.
There's another. Oh, there's another.
All those are the kiddie ones.
These are the big boys here.
Use 2017 Lamborghini
Avonator LP 754
Super Valon's
Roadster. I don't know. It says $659,900.
these are a year old and these are all like a half a million bucks
um yeah dude you don't want to spend all this fucking money maybe you do maybe you do i i would
i would buy a used one though i would definitely buy a fucking used one holy shit you know what kills
about these things if you go to the way you go to the supermarket and drive over a fucking
speed bump please tell me though sir if you get this thing please take it to the track
please take it to the track could you please could you please take it to the track
the amount of Lamborghinis that never go to the fucking track you know
If I got one of those fucking things, I'd have it on a flatbed truck.
I'd take it to the track and I would meet an instructor there and be like, teach me to drive
this thing as fast as my skill set will allow me without fucking destroying it.
All right, let's close on this.
Dilemma.
But good luck to you, sir.
You got a lot of great options.
Okay, okay?
Tell the woman what you're going to do and stick with it.
What are you going to do?
Beat you up, you know?
And then secondly, you've got to let go of that shit with your parents.
Don't not buy a house because of some fucking, you know, pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Sorry, I always have to go with some sort of where I'm from kind of thing here.
Dilemma, everybody.
Dear Bill, if your life depended on it, would you, in Chris Berman's voice,
would you rap live in medieval times as a king or make $65 grand a year in the present time?
Oh, fuck that.
Oh, my boy.
As a king, you'd be able to fuck any chick you wanted.
Eat well, live well, do king's shit, but you'd have to worry about being overthrown or invaded.
Yeah, or getting some fucking disease.
Yeah, smallpox.
Everyone asks this question to changes their mind after talking it out.
No, right out of the gate, I was like, no-brainer.
I'll take 65 brand a year in the NFL package.
and I'll be an absolute fucking nobody
and I'll rub it out to internet porn
before I would go back into medieval fucking times
with scurvy gang green
the black pool of scurvy I wouldn't have
because I'd be a king I'd have plenty of fucking vitamin C
right is that what it is no vitamin C
no fruit in your diet or some shit
yeah
fuck all that and then everybody coming to try to fucking kill me
and then just the shit I would have to do
to stay in power
putting people in iron maidens and stretching them out.
I'm like, I don't want to hurt people.
You know, and then if you're a cool king, right?
I mean, Jesus Christ, they'd be called your fucking Lord Snowflake.
They would all this liberal fucking, everybody would think that they could get over on you.
Right?
And then you just have to stick someone in the belly of the beast.
You know, I think about that fucking all the time, man.
Like, out of all those things, the Iron Maiden, they slam it shut.
You're dead.
You know, the rack is fucking brutal.
You know the rack they actually, they thought it's.
stretched you and broke your, uh, tore your tendons and stuff. What it actually did was it broke your bones
by stretching to the point that they cracked. I mean, just fucking insane. Human beings are so fucking
horrible. It's, it's not even like, uh, you can't, you can't wrap your head around it. But the
belly of the beast, you know, that inspection being in the belly of the beast, they would actually
have like some giant looking bull thing made out of cast iron or something and they would put you in there,
close it, and then light a fire.
fire underneath and basically cook you alive.
And the amount of times I thought of what I would do if I was in there, I would just
slam my fucking head.
I would fuck.
I do the million dollar baby.
I would bite through my fucking tongue.
But to actually fucking, you know, hot it'd have to be before I could actually have
the balls to do that.
Is there a way to just like, you know, you just rip your own throat out?
I would literally, I would try to fucking puncture my neck and bleed out.
That's what I would try to do.
But they probably put you in their butt-ass naked with your all tied up and shit.
I mean, just fucking brutal.
So it's not even a question, dude.
65 grand a fucking year in the present.
You know, I dress like Albert Einstein.
Same fucking clothes every day.
Except it would be more of the Malcolm Young wardrobe, rest of his soul.
You know, I've been going through a lot of shit here.
And I actually found this Malcolm Young.
like action figure thing that I have.
Not action figure.
It's like, but I bought the thing.
I never assembled it because you had to,
came from somewhere in Asia.
So you know Angus didn't get any money on it.
And you fucking,
you got to glue his feet to the fucking base.
And I've been meaning to go over to one of these fucking mom and pop department stores.
You know,
fuck Home Depot.
I mean, anytime, like, you want to talk about someone who gets,
act like a king over there.
you can actually find somebody on the floor that doesn't have 20 people like running after them.
You know, like when the dog whisperer goes over the hill and he's got $20, 20 kids behind him or dogs behind him.
That's what the fucking Home Depot is like.
So anyways, yeah, I would take $65,000 a year.
Great question, though.
Great questions.
Great.
I hope that guy.
It's going to work out for you, buddy.
All right.
If you want, you got to tell somebody.
First dates.
Tell me about yourself.
I've always wanted a Lamborghini.
you know
Jesus what kind of woman would that attract
I don't know but that's your dilemma buddy
good luck with it all right go fuck yourselves
I'll check in on you on Thursday
