Monday Morning Podcast - Knicks, Super Villains, Canadian Hockey | Monday Morning Podcast 6-4-26

Episode Date: June 4, 2026

Bill rambles about the Knicks, Super Villains, and Canadian Hockey.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(39:57) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 6-4-18 - Bill rambles about the Capitals, recliners, and the Irish News.Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Washed Up - 12 Million Miles AwayShipStation: Get started with ShipStation today and get sixty days free at http://www.ShipStation.com with code BURR. Hims: Get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Weight Loss, and more, visit http://www.Hims.com/BURR Squarespace: Check out http://www.squarespace.com/BURR for a free trial, and use code BURR to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain when you're ready to launch. SimpliSafe: Get 50% off your new system by visiting http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR Fast Growing Trees: Listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchase at http://www.FastGrowingTrees.com when using the code BURR at checkout TOUR DATES ▶ http://www.billburr.com/tour MERCH ▶ https://billburrmerch.com/ INSTAGRAM ▶ https://www.instagram.com/wilfredburr/ APPLE ▶ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/monday-morning-podcast/id480486345 SPOTIFY ▶ https://open.spotify.com/show/5SFiQlOQ3EKmwp0chE1QzY?si=4e6149a2ba584182 WEBSITE ▶ http://billburr.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and God damn, I'm just checking in on you. You know, isn't it nice during times like these to know that there's somebody that you don't know that's just saying that they're checking it on you, even though they're not, even though they're just running their fucking yap. And it's just another thing that claims to be something that it isn't. And it just ends up being total bullshit. Isn't that great? Oh, my God, dude, I got like fucking allergies or something.

I'm all congested. If I walk around, I'm fine. But when I sit down or I lay down, all of a sudden, you know, I get all congested or whatever. But anyway, I watched, I miss game one of the fucking Carolina Hurricanes, Vancouver, Vegas nights. And I saw it was one nothing. And I had to go out.

a bunch of family stuff this week and the kids are getting towards the end of school so we're playing and all of this stuff and so I taped the game I still haven't watched it. All I heard was that you know the hurricanes gave a game away I got to watch the highlights. I don't know what happened but I don't know man

I don't know for some reason when I saw that these two teams were playing each other I thought this is going seven And the fact that Vegas came back and did that to them in their own arena. That's why I love these playoffs series because, like, game two is so fucking serious right now. For the hurricanes, it's just like, dude, we had these motherfuckers, and then they came in, they gave us the old right there, friend. Now, obviously, Rod Brindamore is probably saying,

didn't the fuck we've been here? Canadians did this to us last series. Let's fucking get going, dude. Let's run the goddamn table. Rod Brindmore easily still looks like he could beat the fuck out of you, you know? Even with that grandpa Munster, little fucking white hair in the front. Like that guy, him and like Joe Girardi. Like Joe Girardi to this day, it's like, oh my God, if that guy ever just grabbed you,

he could throw you over a fucking hill, you know? I've always said that. What I love about Joe Girardi is even if you didn't watch baseball, if you just saw that guy, you'd be like, that guy's a catcher. or Punch Rodriguez. Some people, they just look like what they are. Kind of like me. You're like, that guy is dancing jackass.

He's a bald ginger and he should be up on stage dancing like a leprechaun. God damn it, if that isn't my fucking job, you know it is. You know it. You know it. My favorite line from fucking old school. I just love that one. They're going, frag, the tag, Frank the tag. He's going, you know it.

You know it. him just finding himself again in that relationship. This fucking party animal that somehow tried... He literally tries to just live that life and he just can't do it. The other time I've seen that character was Harry Dean Stanton in a straight time with Dustin Hoffman. We just see this guy trying to do it and he can't do it. The Rick Flair documentary, they asked,

how long were you married before you went out and just started party? he's like ah you know fucking two weeks he goes I couldn't do it I just missed the excitement I just wanted to be out there I wanted to be the fucking nature boy anyway but I did watch all of game one of the Knicks versus the Spurs and started off like the Knicks was shooting lights out and then both teams just playing

like fucking YMCA men's basketball. Like they just, nobody could just clank, clank, clank, clank. All kinds of and one moves clank, clank, clank. Nobody hitting shit. I'm like, Jesus Christ, this is going to be like a fucking

you know, 84, 81 game or some shit. And then they just, I don't know, they just caught fire. But dude, the fucking Knicks. The Knicks coming in there. I, you know, I, uh, I don't want to Jigs. I don't want to

fuck i this this is the nicks fucking yeah they're finally going to do it which is great which is great that they're finally going to do it because they they they're still talking about that guy dude like the last time the nicks won a championship like there's people on that team that played on that team that died of natural causes like it's it's time that new york got a fucking title. I mean, how many times could you bring up fucking Willis Reed coming out with the broken leg? That's classic New York story, right?

Came out, he had a broken fucking leg and everybody's like, oh my, he did it at the guard. And if he got to go, he came out, he scored one bucket. They always left that part out. That's the shit. If you fucking were playing for the Seattle Supersonics, you could come out with two broken legs and score 40 in the second

half, and they'd have to do a 30 for 30 about it for people to remember it even happened. Anyway, I have not, you know, I don't, I don't, I don't watch basketball at all. So I haven't watched the Knicks. I haven't watched fucking anybody. And the Spurs, my God, they're all looked like they're fucking 22 years old. And then that fucking guy like 7-4, 7.5 coming down the street.

Like, I mean, with those fucking feet, I can't stop looking at his feet. I mean, what size are his goddamn feet? Like, that guy has to get custom. Everything. Everything. Like his furniture, like, you can't just have it regular height. It's got to be, everything's got to be on stilts. Can you imagine if you were his height and you sucked at basketball and then you just tried to live?

That's a great documentary. Giants that aren't athletic and then they don't get athlete money. So their door jams are still for like guys my size. You know? They go to IKEA to. buy furniture. And you know, like, fat people put, like, candy bars and ice cream and shit. They got to do that with, like, furniture where they got to buy, like, fucking two beds

and a goddamn autumn. And put, like, a comforter over it so they could, you know, sleep with their knees in their chest. I mean, what do you do? Like, it doesn't even make sense. I always wonder, those seven-footers. Is there ever a point where you just, like, like, I really, really. I'm overgrowing.

Like, I'm tall enough. And then, like, what do you do? That guy is going to be, like, the future of the fucking NBA. Like, his shot-blocking ability, I've never seen anything like it. And I know he's tall as fuck. But still, people go around that guy, and they're three steps away from him. And he fucking swats away. He looks...

Verzi was saying it. He looks like... It's like trying to score to Nerf hoop against your dad. He just fucking... And he slaps the shit away. He's some of the best fucking basketball player. They should be the best basketball players in the fucking world.

And they look like eight-year-olds. It's funny, too. They know it's coming. Once they go past him, the funniest shit is in the slow motion. The look on the dude's face trying to lay it up. They're like, they're making their face like, eh, like they know it's coming.

He's going to fucking like, I think the move is, is you act like you're going to do it on one side of the rim and at the last second you've got to do the Jordan pass it over the other hand does he have a nickname yet like the fucking praying mantis

something I mean how many rubber trees do they have to chop down to make this kid a pair of fucking sneakers you don't be wild if he's like Jordan like Jordan wore a new pair of sneakers every fucking game if that guy is like a size 30 you know Jordan 3s every fucking game.

Like, I just can't imagine how many children in the sweatshop, how many extra hours they have to put in. That's such a dark joke. But anyway, I am, I kind of realize

watching this series, though, I love both franchises. Like, it's fucking ridiculous that the city of New York, all of these great basketball players that have come from there, they haven't won a championship in so long. And also the way the NBA has built their product that it's the Lakers and everybody else, like, you know,

just keep feeding all the fucking stars to those fucking Botox-fil-ed people, right? And, yeah, they just sort of decide. Like, okay, I think, you know, L.A. is the place. Boston has the history. That's okay. Miami. Oh, Golden State. Who the fuck knew, right?

and for whatever reason this giant market they i don't know what the nicks did but like you know the lake is taking that guy from fucking dallas and then the fucking mavericks win the lottery to get the first picked i mean it's just it's it's it's obviously fucking brutally orchestrated dare i say casted for the biggest tv ratings so they can make all their fucking money right and it's just like all right if it's about like tv ratings i think where is the love for the fucking New York Knicks. I feel like they gave him Patrick Ewing, like they fixed it so he would go to New York.

They win the lottery. They get Patrick Ewing. And when that didn't fucking pan out, like, I feel like that David Stern guy got mad. That fucking gangster who ratted out the FBI's investigation of the NBA

because he didn't give a fuck about the mobbed-up ref. He was worried that they were going to see what he was doing. I firmly believe that. Farming people. I'm sitting on fucking solid ground with that theory. Haven't never met the man or ever ran a fucking basketball league. That's where I stand. And then I love the Spurs because, you know, who doesn't relate to not get in any respect?

I mean, how many does the Spurs got to win? How many do they have to win? Like, they never got their due. All they talked about was Kobe and the fucking Lakers and whatever 20 guys they brought in for Kobe that fucking year. And the Lakers, meanwhile, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, five. Five fucking rinks. Not going out, fucking having every goddamn fucking All-Star played for your team eventually. They fucking, they did it the legit way, you know?

And I'm saying, as a Celtics fan, 2008 was bullshit. It was a fucking pile on team. 100%. Fighting fire with fire. I feel like the NBA, they rebooted that one. Let's start up the Lakers' Celts. Celtics series again. All right. Celtics were the first one. Great. Oh, shit. Looks like the Celtics are going to win the next one. Just start calling fouls. Let the Lakers win the second one.

And then we'll set up the rub. Oh, wait a minute. LeBron's going to the heat. Fuck that storyline. And then they just became nothing. Then they just moved on. That's, I don't know. But within all of that is some amazing athletes. Brunson, is that his name? I don't think that was a smart move yelling at the ref at the end of the game. You want that guy at his side. And considering that guy looks like a retired police officer that, you know, may or may not have done some shady shit, like that guy just looks like, you know, the kind of guy that says, turn in your badge,

you know, you're off the case. Like, he has that vibe. I don't think that that's the guy you want to be fucking yapping to. I did like that his teammates were trying to get him, you know, out of there. I don't know anybody's fucking name. There was one dude on the Spurs, young as shit, like 22 he was fucking amazing this is all the

descriptions you're going to get you got the fucking eight foot guy you got that 22 year old guy and then you got the guy that has like a fade a man bun a mullet and dreads like he has all the haircuts just as a bald man

to see this guy just having that much hair to have all the haircuts you know it's like it's like I feel like he's he's making a statement about billionaires taking all the fucking money and leaving nothing for everybody else. He did it with his hair. Like, I'm going to have all the haircuts. Fuck all you bald guys. All right? You want to look like me? Go to Turkey. Good luck to you. He's a fucking great player. And the two guys I like on the Knicks number 32, that guy's fucking, you know, he works down there in the paint like the old school guys. And then there's another guy that

comes off the bench that literally looks like he plays for a fucking ABA team. I love that he doesn't he just grows his beard in like Grizzly Adams like doesn't fucking get it all edged up, you know? Like some of these guys it's like somebody took a weed wacker to

your fucking face. It's just like it's somebody's like why does your beard look like an Italian's front yard? Respect to Italians. I just remember when I was growing up like the fucking people in the neighborhood the Italians, man. Their fucking lawn

was like pristine. Lush. Lush grass. Fucking impeccable. Like edging around the bushes. That's a semicircle. The mulch. You know what I mean? Their lawn was a reflection of how good the food was going to be when you got into their fucking house. Like some of these people, their beards look like that.

It's amazing. Like, you know, those ice sculptors? Like they take out like a chainsaw and all of a sudden, you know, They got like a fucking bald eagle on like, I don't know, James Madison's shoulder. I don't know, I don't get it to that shit. I'm not into the ice sculpture scene, okay? What are those people say? What, I said it? What, I said it.

Ice sculpting. I'm not in that scene. That's a big thing to do. You know, make a big statement about something that is not really edgy. And then you act like you did something. Wait a minute, did I just describe my whole act? I think I did. Anyway, the Eddie Murphy, A-Fi thing

that I got to be a small part of came out. You can check that out on Netflix. You know, didn't like that they took my Hulu joke out. You know, it's like, come on, man. You guys, you're fucking, you're bigger than the Death Star here. I can't do one fucking Hulu joke. Like, God, when is this going to end? fucking coughing like three weeks like I smoke unfiltered camels.

And my cigar smoking has been wildly under control. I don't even fucking do it anymore. Got a little crazy March and April. But you know, it's a battle. I'm off the sugar. But then sometimes, you know, you just go in on a fucking sleeve of Oreos, knowing that they don't melt in a fucking microwave. Knowing that you can leave them outside in insects don't even

go after it. It's so not food. Let me ask you this. If it's not food, why are they so fucking delicious? That part. That part, as the kids say. Sorry. My publicist told me I needed to get a little more with it.

So I'm going to be just on this one. This is an experiment. We're putting this out to the zeitgeist. I'm just going to fucking try to use some younger terms so I can seem with it. You feel me? Sorry, I know how annoying this is. I'm going to stop doing it,

but there's just something fun about it. Anyway, yeah, the Eddie Murphy AFI thing is on Netflix right now. I watched that movie. Did I watch that movie Harold and Maud? I feel like that was like the Royal Tenin-Bomb vibe before Royal Tenet, like Wes Anderson type of vibe. And I love that guy's fucking movies. That guy makes great movies.

I've been on a little bit of a tear. Like, oh, Billy, Billy fucking Atts. Billy's watching a little bit of fucking Criterion Collection. And I've been reading some books. I read this amazing fucking play in one night. I couldn't go to sleep last night. So I went downstairs in my bathroom. Okay, crossed my pasty legs and sat in a chair and I read a play.

Like, what has? happened to me. The old people would go downstairs and watch Sports Center on a fucking loop for like four hours. But that's, you know, that was pre-Broadway, Billy. Now that I've done Broadway

and I'm so fucking cultured. I like reading plays. Makes you feel smart and they're short, so, you know, you get a sense of accomplishment. This one, I already forget the name of it because it was Latin. It was about sexual assault. It was just like one person play. I wish I could have seen this play. It was fucking amazing. Just the information in it alone, the interviews, just the book,

all the people talking about it, and what it's like to be a woman going through all of that. Nobody believe in you and all of this shit and the chances of it even making it to trial and then trying to get a fucking conviction. It's incredible. You know what? I'm going to hit Paws. I'm going to fucking find the name of that. I can't bring up a really... Say how great it is and then not give you the fucking name. Hang on a second. All right, I don't know how to say it.

It's Prima, P-R-I-M-A, and then F-A-C-I-E. Fase-E. I don't know how to say it. But it's one of those things. It's like an 80-page play. And, you know, I'm not the brightest guy, so I'm like, all right, I can read 40 pages tonight, 40 tomorrow. and you just get into it and it just it's like I got to see how this is going to end

fucking fantastic anyway it's my wife's and my son's birthday and you know what I love about my son other than everything is he loves to draw and he's always asking me to draw stuff and I used to just

when I used to sit down and draw when I was a kid I used to try to like more like copy it I don't mean trace it. I would just look at it and I would immediately be drawing lines like this is the finished product. And I don't know what happened.

Somewhere along the line, I figured out how to sort of sketch shapes and get proportions and a little bit of debt. Like my drawing is better than it's ever fucking been. I still stink, but I'm just, you know, I'm way better at it. So it was his birthday. And I was like, you know, he's always,

he's always asked me to draw like baseball stadiums, hockey arena. you know dinosaurs whatever he's into and uh he loves Godzilla so I just uh I was like you know what rather than going out just going to target buying some fucking card I'm going to make him one so I mean I found a picture of the old school Godzilla the Godzilla that I like the Godzilla that I like the Godzilla that I like, there's a guy inside of it, you know, and its head is proportionate to its body. Somewhere along the line, when it became like computer generated or whatever, he got like this little stegosaurus head. It doesn't even make sense. It's like, look how little its head is.

It would be too fucking stupid to attack a city. It just doesn't make any sense why they did that. I don't know. I've never quite understood Godzilla. He's a good guy, but everybody like attacks him. It's kind of like the Superman thing or Batman. One of those fucking guys. They always make superheroes like misunderstood. I don't fucking, it's because nerds write about it.

And they're all like, nobody understands me, man. So then they make this fucking, they're always these really good looking jacked guys. And then everybody's like, doesn't like them. or there's sort of mixed emotions about him, you know? Is that like the Tom Brady effect? Like the amount of people that didn't like Tom Brady was because he was a really good-looking guy with his supermodal wife and he was winning championships

left and right? Is that what it was? Is that what goes on with the super? Like Peter Parker back in the day, like in the fucking comic books, his fucking girlfriend was an absolute raving, haired, unbelievable rack, ass, thighs, legs, fucking smoke show. And then, you know, so you would think that Peter Parker would get the fucking hate,

not Spider-Man. And even then, they just, they never really explained why they didn't like them. They should have got into it. They should have got into, like, and eventually, if you have these superheroes, they eventually got to go after the upper 1% because that's why you have crime, that's why you have recession. That's why you have racism. That's why you have all this shit. Instead of just going around grabbing purse snatchers or whatever, they were fucking some guy with Doc Ock, you know?

I didn't like that they had to invent, I guess because they were superheroes, it was too easy to catch like regular people, so they had to invent, like, bad superheroes. They're all doing all of this shit and fucking up the cities. And like regular people never said, hey, why don't you guys take this superhero shit somewhere else? You're obviously not from this planet. Like, you know? Do you guys ever take a weekend off? You ever think of, like, not trying to take over the world? Like, why are you here?

Nobody, any Superman movie, nobody ever said to Lex Luthor, like, dude, like, what is your problem? Like, why are you doing this? You know, you can go to Turkey to get that fixed, you know? Why are you just being a cunt? You know you're not going to win. That's the part. They know they're not going to win, and they still do what they do. The question's never asked.

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That's shipstation.com code burr. Shipstation.com code burr. Taxes and fees apply. But after that, you can focus on growth. Anyway, Monday night, I did a set at the Elysian Theater. I think that's how you say it. And it was every fucking reason why I do stand-up. It was such a perfect crowd.

I worked with Bianca Christovao, and I was saying, like, too, was it me or was that show Monday night every reason why you do stand-up. She goes, yeah, well, did you see this crowd? And I was thinking about it. She goes, it was like, you know, different ages, different sexes, different races, and it was just everybody was fucking there.

Those are the best crowds. That's the funniest thing about racism is these fucking people that like, you know, stay with their own. They're, they're, they're, it's not like they're dumb. They're just, like, ignorant. They have just one perspective. You know, fucking white, fucking hang out with white people.

I do white shit in my white community. It's like, all right. You got one club in the bag. That's all you got. That's all you got, right? Anybody who does that, any race, is just inherently going to be, he's just going to say jaw-droppingly stupid shit. Like, what was the last time you heard somebody racist say,

something intelligent. They usually say something horrifically stupid. And I don't mean just racial slurs, just the things that they say. Like Trump, removing any sort of evidence that slavery happened because he is a white man doesn't want to see anything that would upset him. It's just so like, I don't want to, I don't want to see anything. It's going to be too upsetting. Oh, by all means, by all means, then let's make sure that you as a fucking born into wealth, fucking white male heterosexual. Let's make sure that, you know, you don't have too rough a ride here, buddy. Dude, love him, I hate him.

The guy is fucking hilarious. That shit, he was talking about groceries. It's an old-timey word. Groceries. It takes me back to a whimsical time. It's just like, this is the guy running the fucking country. And somehow people think that this is better than Biden. It's like, dude, we have just been on,

we have been set on Mr. McGoo for 10 straight fucking years. This has just been insane. It's been fucking insane. It was kind of great at first as a comedian. It just got sad after a while. Like, I don't even, like, you can't even, like, can't even, like, talk about it anymore. It's like, oh, God.

How much time? How much time left? It's almost like when there's a bad conversation. on stage. How much more time this guy got? Jesus. Fucking Christ over there. Anyway, but we always have bread and circus. NHL final. Game two.

Tonight. Vancouver Canucks. What's the Carolina Hurricanes? A must fucking win. Must fucking win for the Carolina Hurricanes. They cannot go to... You do not want to be going back to Las Vegas. With your pockets turned inside out. And the city has said, down

two games to none. To the Vegas Knights. The only thing that sucks about hockey is when an American team plays a Canadian team and you have to sit through two national anthems. You know, you always forget that. You timed it out with your buzz that, you know, you were going to be at the perfect buzz, and then they just, oh, Canada. You're like, oh, fuck, that's right.

Our home and native land. I would say that, you know, out of respect for Canada, just fucking pay. Thanks for creating the NHL and just play theirs. You know? But then they always come with ours afterwards. Like, we don't know it. We don't know how it goes. Could you just play, like, living on a prayer?

Oh, we're halfway there. Like, have like a potluck. You spin it. Like, we're either going to play the national anthem or when a Bon Jovi's hits. America, right? And then up in Canada, I don't know,

you either play the Canadian National Anthem or, I don't know, you have to listen to some guy that works on an oil rig and fucking Edmonton or Calgary talk for a minute about whether the French people should be able to secede from Canadians

I don't know what the fuck just get some dumb guy out there talking I don't know well I think I've done enough time here I don't know I got like nothing to do today it's kind of fucking nice other than just sit here wondering what the fuck I caught when I was in Atlanta

you know that rat cruise ship shit I know that they were working on that in Atlanta it's kind of funny that all like the they work on all the diseases in Atlanta it's hot Atlanta it's like why would you

go someplace colder why would you want to go there where it's nice and hot and they can keep fucking growing that's all I know about viruses that if it's fucking hot and fucking humid somebody's getting pink guy all right and I think that's one to grow on

all right that's the That's the Thursday afternoon podcast. Please enjoy the music picked out by the amazingly talented, Andrew Thumbulles. Then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend, your cunts, and enjoy your sports.

And, you know, we're all in the same team here, United States. All right. You could love Arkansas and you can love Rhode Island, okay? You could love Michigan and South Carolina. You can love Alaska And uh, fucking Oregon. By don't. Okay, goodbye.

What's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday, June 4th, 2018. What's going on? How are you? How you doing, Lattie? I'm in Dublin, Dublin, Ireland. I've been on a fucking plane for, I don't know how long. we left L-A-X and what we were supposed to leave in the afternoon

and then there was some problem with the hydraulics they backed the fucking thing up they pulled it forward they backed it up they pulled it forward like you know two and a half hours later we finally left which is all good because you know as Don Rickles says in casino rather it's better down here than you know up there right so I was just sitting on the fucking plane and they didn't give us any food

They got a little cup of water It was it Two and a half hour to lay, nothing No food, no drinks or anything And all I was thinking I was on Air France there I was like, this is how these fucking people Stay so skinny

You know, they just leave you on there They don't feed you, nothing Um So anyways But I kept my mind occupied I was transcribing a Pantara song I get into shit You know,

I fucking eats up all the time. Rather than sitting there, either do that or I play solitaire on my phone. Had somebody get me a deck of cards. They're like, you know, you can just get an app for that. I'm like, that is really a lot easier, isn't it? Plus, I feel you win a lot more with the app, you know, because it wants you to keep playing.

Where a deck of cards, they don't give a shit. They just want and done. They got your money. They're done. That fucking solitaire game, though. Don't get it. Don't get it because they got like 50 fucking ads. Every time they shuffle the cards, every time you win a game,

every time you move your hand, they got like another ad. They put the X in a different spot every time. If you don't really hit the X, then it goes to another fucking page. You know, so somebody gets credit for a look, a viewing, a click. I don't want. I don't pretend to understand these things. So anyways, this podcast is going to be all over the place. I'm going to tell you that right now

because I was debating whether or not to do it before I left and I was like, well, don't do it before you leave it would be more exciting if people hear you talk to yourself in a different country that'll add a new fucking flavor

um they get me in this crazy room oh shit my room service hang on a second Jesus Christ all right I just ate my fucking room service and I put on the news over here It's just like the news back home.

All depressing shit. Guy got caught with a gun though, but this is the difference between the U.S. and Ireland. It was a 38 Smith & Weston with five rounds of ammunition. When they said what kind of gun it wasn't how much ammunition was there, I almost went, aw. How fucking hilarious is that? Yeah, nothing but gloom and doom. 31 people were killed today when a tractor went off its fucking rails in a

hard. A fucking volcano erupted down in Guatemala and sheep a hub of hood of habits, you know, great accents and everything, but just all depressing shit. A grandmother was laid to rest today when she was found half-hitting by her cat. Every weekend of Irish stool. Sorry, I'm fucking. punch drunk. I fucking just ordered this shit. Ordered BLT, not the most healthiest thing. There was no bacon in it. It's that rest of the world bacon, you know, where it looks like ham.

But it has a consistency of fucking lot. It was delicious. And I ordered this side salad. I specifically said side salad, no fucking potatoes, right? And they still brought me French fries. I have the side salad. But you know how it is. If you see fucking French fries sitting in, there's a salad, right? the salad that's the plain jane girl next door you want to fuck that big titted whore up the street right you're gonna go after that cup of potatoes some fucking mayonnaise meanaise you can't have the ketchup over here although they brought up some hinds european ketchup sucks it's all natural their yogurt sucks it's also all natural you know i can't even get through a cup of it

all right if i'm not like got you know at least four cups of sugar and an eight ounce thing of yogurt like that's not yogurt to me a thirty one year old was a little wee little pistol with five pounds of amputation the town was so shaken up they took the night off

to go out and go drink um this has been the Irish news um anyways where the fuck am i here I'm in Dublin what I'm in Dublin I just write Berlin as my password. Fucking idiot. I really am dumb. Why do you guys listen to this?

I mean, I appreciate that you listen to it, but I really question you sometimes. Greatest thing about Ireland, by the way, is going through customs. Now, granted, I look like a fucking leprechaun, you know, an older one. Who's getting who? A bald? All right, I look like a leprechaun's uncle, okay? they just let you in. No work papers, no nothing. You guys like, what are you doing here, Lottie?

And I was like, I'm doing a show. All by yourself? I was like, yep. And he's like, all right. Have a good one. Stamp. Welcome to the country, you know? The other place you go to.

You get that fucking guy who looks like he's in the born identity, looking you up and down, and you just start thinking, why, you're making me feel like I have drugs in my ass right now. You know, like I'm a mule. Anyways, so I'm here. God damn it. Hang on a second. All right, sorry.

A little congested from the goddamn flight. You know, sleeping in that recliner. Whenever you fall asleep on an airplane, you're always like, this must be what it's like to be in a loveless marriage. You know, you just don't want to go upstairs because your wife's in bed and you just watch TV until you fall asleep and you just lay in there and that fucking lazy boy, you know? Or you've been married so long that like, I don't want to go up to stairs. You just sleep right on the couch doing that shit all night. I actually had a dream I couldn't fucking breathe. I have that dream.

I don't know. I don't do well on airplanes. I watched the 250 greatest goals in soccer. And, you know, there was some nice ones. There was some pretty pedestrian ones. But I think it was also because it's so fucking hard to score. And you also said the top 250? 250.

Like, who has the fucking time to do? I'm glad somebody did it. It took like it was the perfect soccer highlight reel for an American. I got to sit there for like 24 minutes and watch. nothing but goals. You know? I bet goalies hate that fucking highlight reel. It's like a fucking snuff film to them.

You know, you know what's great? I have noticed about soccer is when you score and you blast it by the goalie high on either side. It's, they jump out of the water like a fucking swordfish. It looks like, you know? Not out of water. They jump up like a swordfish coming out of the water.

And what's amazing is rather than just jump up and fucking trying to block it. They always have to turn around and watch it go in the net. You know, it's like the Matrix. Don't you think you could jump a little higher if you weren't so goddamn concerned? You know where the fuck it's going. If it got by you, you know where it is. You can hear the crowd.

You fucking piece of shit, right? You know it winning. You always fucking looking. It's goddamn soccer goalies. They're a nosy group of people. I missed it. Where's it going? Right, in the back of the net.

You know, actually, I didn't even look. Are there like safety nets or anything behind? Has anybody ever died? Somebody blast the ball, misses the net, and then hit some fucking kid in the face. That's the only thing that was missing from the Irish news. Oh, wee little daddy, went down to the pitch. Took a fucking soccer ball to the old noggin.

He'll be late to rest. Half six tomorrow morning. I'd be a really early fucking funeral. Get it over with. We're all fucking pasty over here. Do anything worse than burying your son after he got hit in the face on the pitch? It's getting a fucking sunburn. My accent, I can't do the Irish accent.

My wife reminded me that guy that met me at the airport when I was in Scotland. Remember that? That story? I get off and the guy had the sign. He had my name on and I came walking up on my hey. And he just goes, I'm like, what? You prefer, brother of William.

You say, do you prefer Bill or William? Bola Willem. Bull of Willem. Um, how much? Jesus Christ, it's only been 10 minutes. Fuck. Oh, man, I should have called in sick. Um, you know what I always mean to do when I go to Dublin?

is to take a tour of the Guinness factory. You know? I'm not big on going to fuck on tours. I don't want to hear about, oh, the Guinness family, they fucking, you know, they first made their first, I don't care.

Just get to the part where I get my pint, you know? Over here's where we put the hops, and then the hops go into big hopper over here, and then they stir them up. All Shabich gets on a bun, bicycle that's got some paddles on it and he goes oh he wheels around i'm going to keep my voice

down people think i'm really disrespecting irish people right now um this giant fucking queen elizabeth fucking it's sitting in a big room like the ceilings are like this is like for shack or something um but i never end up fucking getting down there um it's kind of stupid though right i mean i bet i could go online and just see a video i know what it tastes like kind of a degenerate alcoholic, are you? There's a bunch of booze I like. I'm not going to go there and see how they make it. Salvating the whole tour,

getting the fucking shakes. Oh man, wouldn't you like to just dive in there? A 17-year-old fell into a vat of Guinness. He dove in because he was burned from a volcano and went Guatemala. He could have jumped in the ocean to Guatemala, but he was Irish, so he took the pain all the way back to London because he didn't want to inconvenience anybody with his own emotions. I'm going to fucking have fun over here, man.

This is going to be a good time. My show's tomorrow night at the three arena. I know what that stands for. Sounds like some illuminati shit to me. Was it the three banks that are left in all of Europe? Are they part of the European Union here? Who decided to leave? Was it Brussels?

No. Was it Berlin? Nope. Was it Great Britain? I knew it was Brexit, so I tried to guess all the BR ones. I spell Berlin. I preempt the R. Brilliant. Just to be interesting. You know, just to try to keep it fresh globally.

You know? Anyways, how about those fucking Washington capitals? I'll say it again. How about those fucking Washington capitals? I'll tell you right now, if I'm a fan of the Vegas nights, I got to be thinking when is our adjustment to their adjustment going to happen? All right? I'm going to go out on a look. This is basically what happened.

Okay, the capitals, whatever the fuck Vegas was doing in game one, the capitals adjusted to it. In game three, I did not see an answer by the Vegas nights. Okay? And as far as my limited knowledge of math goes, they better fucking respond in game four. or this series going to be fucking over. You know, Vetchkin's going to be on the cup. It's going to be great. Either way, it's an incredible, it's going to be great.

I mean, I'm rooting for the capitals because of Josh Adam Myers. And, you know, plus everybody down there, they've been waiting since 1974. The Redskins suck. The Nationals, you know, I don't, you know, they used to be the senators. They had the senators twice they left. One time they became the fucking Texas. Rangers. Another time they became the Minnesota twins. Then the fucking

Expos came down as the nationals and they still haven't won a title. You know? They're on their third fucking marriage. Actually, the senators did win a title in like the 1920s, I think. You know, they went to the fucking White House. I think

George Washington was still there when they showed up. His fucking wooden teeth. They had to sit there and listen to some boring story. How he said they made a bat out of teeth of his fucking bats he had as a kid. How much you think that guy lied his ass off that they had to come up with that dumbass story about? I can't I can't tell a lie I chopped down the cherry tree.

What kind of ass kicking do you think he got over that, you know? When you really think about it back then, there was no supermarkets. And this guy just chopped down a fucking tree that actually had edible fruit on it. You know? His dad probably beat him with the axe handle. Knock that fucking powdered wig right off his head. Did rich kids wear powdered wigs back then? You know?

People would come up and key their horse. Oh shit. Fuck you guys. I've been on a plane for 12 hours. I don't give a fuck if this is funny or not. I mean, I do. I do care. But anyways.

Anyway, so I watched game one of the NBA finals. And I have to tell you, when they fucking reversed that office, offensive foul call that basically every time about J.R. Smith. And I can't get mad at J.R. Smith because I didn't know what the score was either. When he was dribbling it out, I was going, yes, yes. And there was a lot of other people, too, that thought they were up by one. The game was over on that offensive foul. And, you know, I've never seen them have a little powwow in reverse a call. It's, I mean, I just, I had like Tourette's when that happened.

And I was so fucking upset. And so once again, disappointed by the NBA and the way that they fucking run their league. I was so mad I walked to my show that night. I just, I didn't want to get in the fucking car. I had to go for a fucking war. I didn't watch the overtime because I knew the Warriors are going to win it. I've watched enough games that went to fucking, when they kick in the balls with a call like that. and then the rain man dude on your team

doesn't know that you fucking tied and he runs out the club you know what's going to happen so LeBron knew that's why he went back to the bench and he didn't talk to anybody I fucking I had two shows in L.A.

And I walked to both of them. I had one in a dive bar and then another one at a little more upscale place that wasn't quite a comedy club and I just walked to both of them. And I can tell you this right now. L.A. has an unbelievable homeless problem.

Holy shit. I mean, they are fucking everywhere. Every doorway, every nook and cranny, there's somebody, you know, wrapped up in a quilt like a fucking cocoon. A lot of mental illness out there. It's unreal. It's really unreal how we just fucking leave those people on the street, you know?

Mentally ill people? I don't know. They used to have those asylums. I don't know that didn't work I don't know I just need to try to take care of him it was really fucking depressing

then I was sitting there walking down the street going like did I really leave the safety of my car to fucking walk amongst all these fucking people who got God knows what kind of issues right and I was standing there and this guy with this really dirty shirt was just staring at me

and I'm waiting for the light to say walk you know it's L.A. can't jaywalk, you'll get killed, right? And then I feel him, he's just staring right at me. I'm like, ah, fuck, here we go. Here we go. Oh, freckles, huh? Couldn't take your car, could you?

Got all mad about a basketball game, right? The guy looks at me, and he goes, hey, and I ignore him. He goes, hey, I ignore him again. And then he sort of, like, walked around so he was in my vision. He goes, hey, and I look at him, I go, what? And he goes, are you Joe McHale? I just go. No.

And then it said walk, and I walked away from him. And I felt him behind me. And I just kept walking. You know? And then I was walking too fast. So then there was somebody in front of me. And then he's doing this whole kind of looking back. Like, why's this guy walking so quick?

You know? And I wanted to say to the guy, hey, you don't need to worry about me. It's the guy I'm walking away from. Um, anyways. So that's what the fuck I did after game one. Jesus Christ. The Warriors have to be the most hateable fucking team I've ever seen in my life.

You don't got enough stars on your team. You got to poke LeBron in the eye. Jesus, fucking Christ. That's some shit a fucking girl would do. Playing Nerf basketball. Fucking disgrace. And then LeBron gets out there with his old-ass body, takes a fucking charge.

I know his foot was work was moving, and I know that after they looked at it, you know, they did get the call right, but what the fuck? They've never reversed something like that, ever. It's like they were looking for a way for the warriors to fucking win. It was just, I don't know why I give a shit so much.

Why do I give a fuck about either one of these teams? Because what I'm rooting for is just for sports to go back to the, way they used to be where there was still free agency. I'm not that old when I was growing up, but there wasn't these pile on fucking teams. You know, I don't know. Somebody sent me a thing about LeBron could possibly go to the Celtics. He better not. I don't want that title. You know? I don't know, Bill. You're just old and all you do is complain. I know. I'm sorry. Why can't I just realize that the game isn't what it was when I was a kid? And this new game, young people seem to be enjoying and don't have a problem with.

That should be the way they had it when I was a kid. There was an old man playing an organ. Anyways, let me do a little bit of advertising reads. This podcast, I'm not going to make it an hour, people. By the way, this is my last week of my 40s. This is it, man. I turned 50 years old on Sunday. Can you believe that?

I was 39 when I started this podcast. Way back when? Way back in 2007, man. When a guy named George W. Bush was president. And he was the son of a guy George Herbert Walker Bush. And he was the vice president of a guy named Ronald Reagan who used to be an actor. Man, you fast forward. Look at, think of everything that has happened since I was 39 years old.

Huh? Robots are going to take over the world. Miami's is going to be under... Miami's going to be underwater. Reality TV show star became fucking president. We're still fighting the same fucking war. That's the one constant. That's the one thing you can hang your hat on and be like, oh, okay, there's something

I'm comfortable with. There's something I'm used to. Who says you can never go home? Do you how long was it before I understood then? I've talked about that before, right? When they say you never can go home, what the fuck you're talking about? I'll book a flight right now and go home. I never understood that they meant you're going to go and it's not going to be the same people.

It's just going to be overwhelmingly fucking depressing. Well, anyways, yeah, I'm turning 50 and I actually feel good about it. Banged out 50 push-ups the other day, right? That means I'm not going to die, right? Now, my 40s were my best decade. as far as my life. I got married. I had a kid.

Right? Did a bunch of great shows. Got rid of all the fucking assholes in my life. Cleaned house. Cleaned fucking house. Anybody that was a fucking bigger cunt than me? You know, I got rid of. So obviously, it was a short list.

Sorry, easy joke. What do you want for me? What do you want for me? I've been on a fucking plane for last fucking 12 hours. So I'm a little bit on a fucking plane for last fucking 12 hours. I'm looking forward to another decade of experiences and knowledge gaining, just living my truth. I feel like for me, my 50s are going to be, no, I'm going to crush it in my 50s. I'm going to do yoga, eat a plant-based diet, take a whole bunch of selfies.

Hashtag 50s hot. Hot 50, something stupid like that. whatever the Forever 21 is for an old white guy over 50 Whatever that hash. You guys, you guys come up with the hashtag. You come up with the hashtag and I'll start hashtaging it on fucking, what is it? The hashtag app. You guys like hash?

Remember hash? Remember your mother used to make hash? Have the little fucking meat grinder? Why the fuck? Oh, hashtag. That's why I meant Ryan. All right. Let's read a little bit of advertising here.

A 32 year old. All right. U-R-R-R. Byrd. That's a fucking English name. That's an English surname. All right. 33 minutes in. To-te-3 minutes in.

All right. Should I just get to the questions here? I think I should. All right. So they have a gym here. Why did I eat those fries? I feel like shit. Fucking hate when they do that.

Jesus Christ. I don't know how alcoholics do it, you know, when they sit there and they go. Oh, yeah, no booze for me. Then they bring a beer. They always go, I, you know, I don't drink. I don't drink. If they brought a fucking crack pipe up here, I'd smoke it.

That's how, that's how weak I am. I don't even smoke crack. Not, at least not during the week. All right, great news, Flamo. Yo, Billy Nova. Did you hear the great news? You finally have representation on the emoji front. They added orange-headed people to the emoji list.

Nice. Now you can let people. You text know you really look at the moment, how you really look at the moment you say, for me, I got to check these out. Let's see them. Go to the page. Yes, that's what I would like to do. None of those look like me.

They're all so young. Ad closed by Google. Stop seeing this ad. Yes. Stop seeing this ad. Already, but not interested in this ad. We'll try not to show it again. Okay, get out of here.

Beat it. I hate when you scroll down and the ad goes with you, like that person that's just fucking tagging along, you know, you're trying to hook up. It's like, get out of you. Oh, Jesus Christ, would you look at these fucking things?

Yeah, I don't look like any of these people. Well, that's nice. That's not really accurate. I mean, they should have at least one really pasty. A couple people of color in there, then they got some, nobody with blue eyes. A couple of Simpsons colored people or emoji colored now. Well, that's nice.

It's nice that they're doing that. I mean, who at my age sends out an emoji? You know what emojis I use? The one that I use the most, thumbs up. Thumbs up, what I love about thumbs up is it means, yes, I definitely want to do that. Or it means like, fucking whatever. We got to get together sometimes. man hang out

thumbs up I'm not fucking hanging out with you right or it could be like fuck yeah get out there fucking drank um

all right I should have made a top 10 list of what I could do what am I going to do here to make my 50s you know the best me live your truth

do you realize like the amount of shit that's going on in the world right now okay and you just just how self-involved, myself and I'm literally doing a podcast just talking to myself. How's fucking self-involved the world is right now, you know?

Live your truth. Be the best you. 50s, the new 40. You know, everything has to be like them off. That's why you got those fucking assholes who work out in the garage and then they start running down the streets. Everybody knows they're CrossFit people, right? Everybody knows they're working out.

It's like, we get it. I work out too. I don't got to fucking start yelling at people who haven't brunch. I don't know, you know, something. That right there, you remember a few years ago, they decided to do away with bullying, all right? Which, you know, is a great thing. But I think you should be able to bully adults

because the fact that that's, you know, it's out of style to bully people, I think is how CrossFit actually exists. You know? If you basically categorize any sort of criticism as bullying, how are you going to know when you're acting like a complete fucking tool shit? I just don't understand. I don't find those CrossFit people to be in any better shape than anybody else doing any other workout.

And they're just parading up and down the fucking street. Like, I don't know what. Like they're inspirational? I don't know. I've never like, you know, I don't like people that do. end zone dances. I just don't like any of that shit. It's just fucking, it's just, it gives me douche chills to look at it. I don't know. Maybe it's a good workout. I'm going to start doing that, you know, do pull-ups in my garage and then run up and down my driveway, yelling shit so my neighbors

know that I just did a set of 10 fucking pull-ups. Ah, feeling the bird. LeBron a Celtic. Okay, here's the question. Hey there, Billy Knightquite from Boston. What if LeBron went to Boston. Kind of goes without saying that winning with LeBron wouldn't feel as good as winning without LeBron. Thoughts. What am I, the president?

You just fucking give me a half-ass fucking question. Now I've got to answer it? Yeah, obviously. Obviously, yeah, I would rather beat LeBron than fucking have them just join my team. And then everybody would be like, well, it's a fucking pile on team. It gives a shit a bunch of championship. Yeah, obviously.

Thank you, sir. Those are my thoughts. I have the obvious thought on that. No, I don't want that to happen. I would like us to continue doing what we're doing. We already signed a big free agent with, what's his face there? That hurt his knee? Gingervitis.

What the fuck is his name? I don't know. I'm not a Celtic. I'm not a basketball guy. And I missed all the games this year. All right? I got a kid, man. I got a kid and I miss a lot of.

stuff, the guy with the beard who thinks the world is flat, right? Is that the guy? That's the guy we got. I just want to see, you know, it's like the New York Yankees. New York Yankees, you know, they built all from their farm team and drafting and all that fucking shit. And then they added one that's fucking stud from the Marlins. There, can't get mad at that. Made a couple of shrewd trades. We did give up Isaiah Thomas, though. I swear to God, if he was still with the Celtics. He would have got his own. He was like, he's going to be a big poppy of the Celtics. Whale of a tail? Bill, did you hear this? Did you hear about this whale? By the way, has anybody seen that fucking video? That poor girl calling up her ex-boyfriend crying.

She literally sounds like the impression me and Paul do when we do the crying thing. poo-hoo or who should be like hello, I'm sorry I missed your call I really hope you call me back I love you and I just want to say that I love you

and I miss you I'm not even exaggerating I'm really sad that I missed your call who it's fucking unbelievable all right pilot whale dies Thailand after being found with 17 pounds of plastic bags in its stomach.

Yeah, and I'm supposed to get excited because they have fucking ginger emojis. Oh my God. This is just, what are we doing? A male pilot whale struggled for five days to stay alive in Thailand near the Malaysian border. I'll tell you what's fucking crazy is those ocean currents, that everyone's going to think, oh, it's from their Malaysian plastic. bags. It's probably, you know, from fucking big five sports in L.A. Thailand near Malaysian border, after rescues, found 17 pounds of plastic bags in its stomach.

Hey, you can't just eat one. They're like Doritos. The Washington Post reported on Sunday, but it ultimately succumbed to its illness. The whale died on Friday, the Post Road, and an autopsy have discovered that Thailand's Department of Marine and Coastal Resource said were 80 plastic bags lodged in its stomach. It's far from the first time whales have turned up sick or dead from ingesting trash. Experts say that the whale likely believed the bags were food. Oh, God. So what are we going to do about it?

What is the solution? Plastic pollution throughout the region is... Okay, wait a minute. Let's see. There's anything positive here. According to another report by the nation, a 2015 study by the Ocean Conservatory and McKinsey Center for Business and Environment found that Thailand was the world's six worst offender for dumping plastics into the sea.

Who's number one? Thailand's pollution control department says plastic waste is increasing by roughly 12% annual, with only 25% being reused. That's pretty good that we reuse 25%. It's better than what we used to do. The vast majority of it is plastic bags. The Bangkok Post writes that the 23... We're never going to get that shit out of the ocean, by the way.

It's not like we just, I'll switch to cloth bags. Oh my God. We are a fucking plague with shoes. Bill Hicks said that fucking 25 years ago. The Bangkok Post writes that the 23 coastal provinces in Thailand generate around 11 million tons of garbage daily. I thought there was going to be a year of which approximately 1.1 million tons ends up being dumped directly into the sea. Plastic pollution throughout the region is expected to remain a significant. issue as many Asian countries are sparing economic growth that is outpasting waste management

infrastructure. Here's the thing. Where the fuck do you put it? You know what I mean? I don't know. This is when you need hipsters because they're going to go back to biodegradable shit. Just trying to be cool, but they're actually going to create a hopefully, I don't know. Oh boy. What the fuck are we doing? These fucking corporations, what are they doing? They just just all about the fucking money. They don't give a fuck. Wars, pollution, they don't kill kids. They don't give a fuck. And none of these

fucking politicians does a goddamn thing about it. It's just fucking unreal. Because they need the corporation's money. It's just, it's literally, it's like a suicide pact. How do you get out of that? Oh, this is depressed. Like the Irish news. It's depressing.

All right. Massachusetts male mentality. All right. we go. Hey Bill, I'm excited to be going to your show, your Boston show in the fall. By the way, man, I transcribed that fucking Metallica song and my double bass play is finally coming together. I've just been sticking with it. Now, of course, I'm going to be on the road for a couple of weeks, but I'll get it back up to speed. You know, Lars has like his four or five signature licks. And once you get those things down, you can kind of do a real shitty version

of all of their songs. I still suck, but like, I can. I can't. And actually I'm starting to be able to play along. I can definitely do like the 16th note thing, but he does that little, that triplet before the snare with the crash China that he always does. That, yeah, that one's a little tough. Love your podcast. It's one of the things that keeps me saying.

All right, I appreciate when you say positive things about your relationship with your wife and now you're so glad to be on the other side. I'm a 42-year-old single female and it's downright depressing around here. I've been married, so don't need to do that again. We'd just like to meet someone who wants a steady monogamous relationship. Unfortunately, the guys around here seem to obtain their intimacy from their relationship with their male friends.

Women are viewed as an afterthought at best, but usually as a nuisance or a threat. Oh, you're in Massachusetts? This is easy. This is an easy fix. Get into sports. Get into sports. start watching sports, increase your alcohol intake, and your guy will be your best friend you ever had.

Why do guys have a mob mentality when it comes to women? They seem to think it's giving up to settle down. But don't they fear being alone later in life? Why do grown men care what their friends think and why wouldn't they be happy their boy is living a fulfilling life? I'm cute and decent shape. I'd say I'm a seven and a half in the looks department. And you're humble.

I'm being serious. You know, decent shape. You know, you're honest. Have a fun personality. I can support myself and don't care about having kids. But the schmucks I've been dealing with lately make me feel like giving up altogether. And another mystery to solve. Why do my friends and I frequently see good looking guys, why do my friends and I frequently see good looking guys with women who look,

miserable. If you wouldn't mind taking a few minutes to wax philosophical on the benefits of relationship with the opposite sex, that would be great. Happy birthday from a fellow Gemini. All right. Why are guys afraid to settle down? Well, because women take guys for everything they've got in divorce court all the fucking time. All right. And like, there's only so many of those fucking nightmares that you can watch before you're like, why the fuck would I want to do that? I mean, that was my attitude for the longest goddamn time. And when you get into a relationship, a lot of times you are at the mercy of the female's moods. And, you know, there's all this shit out here right now talking about all the shit that guys do to women, all this horrible shit.

But I'm waiting for the winds to turn and blow back a little bit and talk about, you know, just this constant fucking like, you know, keeping you on eggshells. You know, keep it happy, keep it happy, keep her happy. You know, that happy, happy wife, happy life is what they say. There's no rhyme for the dad. There isn't. So, you know, and everything is about you guys. I'm just being honest.

You know, the wedding's all about you. Valentine's Day is all about you. The anniversary is all about you. It's all the guy, what are you going to get her? And it's like, it's all geared that you are so fucking privileged and lucky to have this person. But there's really not that sort of reciprocal mentality. So, but when you're a single guy, you know, you got the world by the balls. We make more money an hour at Dairy Queen evidently or whatever the fuck it is that you guys are saying.

and it happens and, you know, you hang out, you watch sports, you go down to the bar, you talk some shit, maybe you get laid, get a fucking blowjob, and you wake up the next day, not in a relationship. That's really appealing. And you still have all your money or a lot of it? It's appealing. I would also, you know, so, I don't know. I'm not, I know you want me to say something positive.

I'm just answering that first thing. You guys are terrifying. And you act like you're not when you're talking to men, but amongst yourselves, you know, amongst yourselves, I'm sure you're a little more honest about like, you know, the sanity of, you know, so many women out there. Yes, they're just fucking nuts. They'll get pregnant on purpose. I mean, they're fucking, they'll bring a person into the fucking world. I mean, crazy. Fucking crazy. God, I got to try to see something positive here. Jesus Christ. Why are you having a problem? Well, you know, you're also like, you're like me. You waited a while.

All those people that are like want to find love and all that, you know, you got to draft in the earlier rounds. When you were in your 20s, there was a bunch of blue chip prospects there. Now you're in your 42. You've got to try to find your six-round draft Tom Brady. that's what you have to do. So it's going to be more work. But I somehow pulled it off. Grant, but I was 35, she was 25.

I don't know. I moved up in the draft. That's what I did. Maybe you want to date a younger guy. I don't know. But I always looked at it this way. That, you know, if you're out there and you seem cool, if you're out there, there's going to be your match is going to be out there.

but like it's dangerous as I just trashed women to go down that road to say they're all like this or why do so many people blah blah blah you start getting fucking jaded and the reality is you could do that about anything why are most people fucking inconsiderate why are most people fucking morons why do most people stand in a security line at the airport rolling their eyes looking at you bonding it like can you believe how long this is taking and then they do nothing to be prepared for when it's their time when it's showtime they just start to take their fucking belt off and all that. And they become the fucking problem.

They don't notice it. Okay? That's why I'm meeting somebody awesome. It's so fucking special because there's not a lot of them out there. So you hang in there. And I think you're going to find the person that wants to have the relationship you want, that you want. And I think the relationship you're looking for is what a lot of guys are probably looking for around your age, right? If I was, I get a divorcee.

They already had his fucking kids. Already did that bullshit. And then he can just fucking, you know, hang with you. You're not looking to get married. You're not looking to have any fucking kids. You can just fucking hang out and drink Cape Codders and watch the pets. There you go. Bing, bang, boom.

Can I solve your problem? Probably not. Wife wants to use my computer. Oh, Jesus. What do you got a bunch of porn on there? Hey, Billy Bob Burton. I've been with my girl for five years and married for one. and I refuse to let her use my computer.

It isn't because of porn or cheating. It's because my PC is worth close to 20 grand. What? I used to work for graphic designer, animator, and gaming. I didn't know they made laptops worth that much. I even had it set up so I am not, so if I'm not within three feet of it, it is locked.

I have a piece of jewelry with an RFID chip that unlocks my. my PC when I'm near it. Well, I got news for you, dude. Anybody who wants who knows anything about computers can turn that fucking thing on from a different computer when they're not even in the fucking room. I guarantee you. I told her even before we were married that she will never use my computer. She has never had a phone that wasn't cracked or broken.

The last time she brought out my computer, I bought her a thousand dollar PC of her own, which she lost within a week. Am I being too unreasonable or am I right not wanting to ruin my computer? Do you let Nia use your computer? Yes, I do, but my computer's a fucking mess. No, I don't think you know. No, she hasn't demonstrated that she can take care of shit. Here's the thing. If she was saying you couldn't use hers,

if my wife was like, you can't use my computer, this is super expensive. I do graphic design. I don't want to use your fucking computer. I hate computers. Have fun with your computer. you know, but, you know, it probably makes her insecure because that is where porn and cheating and all that shit fucking happens.

So I'm choosing to believe you in this. If you're not doing that shit and if it truly is because you have this awesome fucking $20,000 fucking computer, then yeah, I don't know what the problem is. I would just sit there. You know what I would do? I would take her phone

I would open my laptop and then I'd have her phone right next to it with the crack screen I go look at your phone look at my computer what's the difference oh get your PC to honey

oh that's right you lost it you lost it that's right so now what have we learned here and this thing let her get mad she's gonna fucking storm away

and be all fucking mad and then once again like I was talking about in that previous one she's gonna you know do that whole thing where I'm, you know, I'm sitting the Cal Donegan. I'm mad at you.

She's just going to do that shit. And you know what? Let her. You just sit over there, pout all you want. You know I'm right. And then they'll get mad. They'll switch out of the pouty thing. Then they get fucking mad.

It's a whole goddamn process. Just be like, no, you can't you. I would hold my ground on that one. Just say, listen, over the next year, if you demonstrate that you can actually, be around computers without breaking them or losing them. You know, maybe in 12 months I'll let you look over my shoulder. Yeah.

Just tell her that's not how life works. You have to earn things. All right? Most of us do anyways. You wouldn't know that. Listen to all these fucking feminists out there. I think if you're a guy, you just fucking show up. People give you shit.

I'm so hoping it becomes a level playing field. I can't wait. I cannot wait. That's going to be the greatest fucking thing ever when they realize what a giant shit sandwich they still have to eat. Oh, it looked appetizing

when you were peeking over the fence, didn't it, sweetheart? All right, that's it, everybody. That's the podcast here. Thank you to everybody over here in Ireland, even before I do the show. Thank you for everybody for buying tickets to come out to the show.

It's an honor and a privilege to be here your beautiful Emerald Isle. And I hope to give you money is worth tomorrow night. Go Capitals. And I also like the Vegas nights, too. Their coach gave a speech or something, the GM, the beginning of the year.

They're an expansion franchise if you don't watch hockey. He said, all you guys in this locker room are here for the exact same reason. The last team you played for didn't think you were worth being protected. Me right there. They got the chip on their shoulder

and they've been fucking mowing everybody down ever since until they ran into the Washington Capitals. I'm going to try to find a way to somehow watch that game, although I think tonight comes on at like two in the morning, so I might be fucked. I don't know if I can't watch the fucking NBA. Who the fuck reviews a charging call? The final few.

I've never seen that before. Am I fucking, oh my God. You know, but thank God they did. Thank God they did, because I was able to, I didn't have to waste time watching the rest of the fucking game. And then, you know, I, you know, went for a nice, Brisk walk. It's good for my hat.

That's it. Guess what? People, we're into June. Which means we are only two months away from the start of football season, preseason, just like that. It's coming around again. God knows the way there's like four days off between every fucking NBA game, you're probably just going to have to do, you know, the last week of June and July, and then you're going to be right there. then you're going to be right there,

although I've gotten back into baseball. Something about going to that Giants game and keeping score, eating the peanuts, drinking that fucking course. I liked it. You know, I went down, I bought some cigars the other day, right? Oh, Bill, you're eating French fries,

you're smoking cigars, you're drinking beer. What are you doing? I'm enjoying myself. I walked into this cigar shop, and I can be honest with you. I walked in there, you know, it was also a lounge where people could smoke and shit. And I have never seen anybody smoking a cigar

who did not look like they were just totally fucking relaxed. Just absolutely, absolutely in heaven. You know? Like true cigar smokers. I walk in. Every time I walk in, I go, look at that guy just sitting there. Because I always have shit to do. So I run in and I buy them and then I run out.

But I always see people just sitting there go, like, that's how you do it. Come down in the middle of the day. Honey, I'm going out from me. Where are you going? None of your business. Who is she? Her name is La Aurora Emerald.

La Aurora Emerald. All right, that's it, everybody. I will see you tomorrow night. If you're here in Dublin, if not, I'll check it on your answer.