Monday Morning Podcast - Leg Day, NBA Playoffs, Drumming | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-15-25

Episode Date: May 15, 2025

Bill rambles about leg day at gay gyms, NBA Playoffs, and drumming. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(31:34) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 5-15-17 - Bill rambles about hamburger, charities and the Stanley Cup Shot Glass. Thursday Afternoon Interlude:  Incubus - Are You In Fast Growing Trees:  This Spring they have the best deals, for your yard, up to half off on select plants and other deals. And listeners to our show get 15% off their first purchase when using the code BURR at checkout at www.FastGrowingTrees.com  SquareSpace:  Head to www.squarespace.com/BURR for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use code BURR to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. How's it going? How are ya? Um all right getting through another week here all by myself. I'm not gonna lie to you, I am, other than when I'm doing the play, which I'm loving, and you know, all of that stuff. But now I finished the second draft of this script, which is, that was the dream. I'll be like, okay, so I don't have to work during the day

and then do the play at night. I can actually have my days free. And now I literally, I don't know what to do with myself. Just fucking, I'm just, you know, I just keep thinking of that Jim Croce song. I've seen so many faces. I've run so many races. Something like, and they were not the nice guy.

And it's been so long since I have felt fine. That's the reason that I gotta get out of here. You ever hear that song? I'm so alone Don't you know that I gotta get out of here cuz New York's not my home when people bubble do right? Jesus Christ. You could go to a movie. You could go walk in the park. You could jump off a bridge. There's all kinds of things to do here. Anyway, I went to the big gay gym.

BGG. I went to the big gay gym today. Did legs. I'm going to tell you something about those gay guys in the gym. They do not skip leg day. That's a straight guy thing. I went to the big gay gym today, did legs. I'm gonna tell you something about those gay guys in the gym. They do not skip leg day. That's a straight guy thing. All of us walking around with their big fucking, you know, trying to get a Wahlberg fucking torso.

And then we walk around with the pretzel rod legs. Not these gay dudes. They get the squats in. So I went over there today and And it was actually not a lot of people in there. But there's always just somebody on like, the new thing at the gym is just the person on their phone in between sets. This fucking guy was on what a leg machine I wanted to use in between sets. You know, what do you call the front of your quads, that machine, right? He's sitting there with his fucking legs crossed, you know, like he's on a park bench.

You want to be like, dude, people need to use that machine. Can you fucking? He was driving me nuts because then when he was doing his reps, he was going, dej, dej, de doge, doge instead of going one two and then going down for the negative one two three four We all know that right one two one two three four You don't try to put as much weight as you can in we're gay we're gay we're gay and your fucking ass is coming out of the seat stupid

Not only are you fucking taking way more time than you need to be, you're not even getting, you're not even, you're, you're, you're not even doing it right. That's right, that's who I am. I'm that old guy at the gym judging people's form. I actually have the nerve at almost 57 years of age, someone who blew out both his fucking shoulders I actually have the nerve at almost 57 years of age,

someone who blew out both his fucking shoulders with poor form to now judge other people's form, who when I was their age, I had bad form. And I'm deliberately, deliberately blocking that out because as an older person, knowing things is something that you need to tell younger people so you don't have to think about your mortality. Anyways, so I did legs and eggs today. I don't know, the way I'm built, no matter how much I do legs, they just don't...

I gotta take that shit Wile E. Coyote took in one of my favorite cartoons when he got the fucking Earl Campbell legs and he was running around burning up the streets, literally leaving fire on the streets. I don't know why, but I used to always root for him. I never liked the Road Runner. You know? I don't know. Say what you want about the Coyote.

Like that dude could take a bump. Always got up. Always got up. Always sold it, you know? Played a great heel. He just sold it. We knew he was going to lose and we still showed up every time. Rooting for him. Anyways. The Boston Celtics! we was gonna lose and we still showed up every time, rooting for him. Anyways, the Boston Celtics. Jesus Christ, Jason Tatum blew out his Achilles,

which is fucking brutal. So I thought the Knicks were gonna wrap it up, up in Boston. And I don't know why they didn't. For what I heard, I was working, so I missed the whole fucking game, but I heard it was the Celtics kind of cruised. That's what it said on the little sports ticker tape down there at the bottom, ticker, whatever you call it.

But I feel like they got it. There's no, they don't, obviously don't wanna go back to Boston, so I figured they close it out down here. And then what's gonna happen, and it's already happened, when they went up three games to one, all of these New York Knicks fans that I have not heard from since Littrell Spreewell, are all coming out of the fucking woodwork.

It's just like. You know, and I know this isn't all New York fans, and I know that there's Boston's fans like that, but like those those sports fans that go into hibernation, you know, when their team loses or whatever, and then they they they only come out when the sun's out. Like fucking, you know, that Groundhog Day shit, like those sports fans. I don't show any mercy with them, but I respect the rest like Verzi. Verzi's a great Knicks fan.

Like if the Knicks win it, I'm going to be so happy for him. And I actually like the Knicks, but those fucking whack-a-mole fans that pop up. Um, like there was one. I hadn't heard from this guy since game. He's a big baseball guy. I had not heard from the guy since game three of 2004. He just fucking disappeared.

And then I remember in the early 20 teens, we blew a series, we blew a lead or something like that. I think we were in first place. We had Bobby Valentine, that's right. We fucking had this September collapse and out of nowhere, out of nowhere, he called me up and trashed me. I mean, I hadn't heard from this guy in like seven fucking years.

And then the next year we won it. I didn't hear from, I haven't heard from him since. Those kinds of sports fans. Like those are the ones that like, I don't know, I gotta keep them at bay because then it makes me actually give a shit, start rooting for the Knicks to lose. And I don't want them to lose because I love Verzi.

I just have to focus on that. And not these fucking morons that like call up. Plus, you know, I don't wanna get into it with a Knicks fan. I mean, it was, I started with this one guy who came out of nowhere. It was it was too easy. It was just too easy. Mike, dude, you got like 10 fucking teams.

You guys should be having a championship parade for somebody every two years. But somehow you go, oh, for fucking 10 every year. And I still have to listen to you. What are you talking shit about? I don't understand what it is. Anyway, I don't get it. And he goes, okay, we might not win, but we're the strongest. It's like, you're not strong. Woody Allen made it into New York. Andy Warhol made it in New York, painting fucking soup cans.

Oh my God, don't get me fucking started with that guy. If anybody can ever explain to me what that guy, like I swear to God, if the Emperor's New Clothes wasn't already written, I would be like, it has to be about this guy. It's a soup can, I'm commenting on capitalism, whatever the fuck he was doing. I mean, the people that hung out with him,

did you ever see a bigger group of people that you would have no interest in fucking hanging out with? It was just a bunch of hipster, they were like the original hipsters, all just fucking hanging out. You know, being aloof, pretending they were interesting when they weren't. They're oversized itchy fucking sweaters hanging off their fucking shoulder. I guess they predicted flash dance.

Maybe maybe that was their contribution to art. Yeah. Yeah, that guy. Yeah. That's my opinion. That dude stinks. He just stinks. You make a movie about a fucking drug addict and then you kick her out of your circle and then she dies? Is that, I mean, I don't know. Maybe I should read up on the guy. You know what, this is probably me. I probably don't know enough about the art world to understand his contribution by painting a fucking soup can. In the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.

And he was right, he wasn't. Everyone isn't famous it never happened everyone is not famous for 15 fucking minutes i don't walk down Andy Warhol once said... Anyway, I don't get it. I don't get Andy Warhol any more than I understand the bacon, egg and cheese sandwich. I get it. It fills you up or whatever, but like, I don't know.

Every city has like a mediocre sandwich that everyone freaks out about because they have child sense memory. And that includes Boston. I'm not saying it. Like the level that people in Boston hold Dunkin Donuts coffee, like, oh my donkeys, donkeys has the best, they don't.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I have donkeys, donkeys has the best, they don't. Okay, if you want to say for a fast food chain, okay, that planted their flag that we make donuts and they barely make donuts anymore and they just completely abandoned that and forgot who they were and got into like sandwiches and shit, they don't have the best coffee. Oh, Billy Hot Takes today. Oh, look at you.

Did you wake up and feel edgy? Um, anyway, yeah, I had a good time with my buddy though. He goes, New Yorkers are the strongest. I go, I'd never found this city difficult as far as to get ahead in. I go, I've never found this city difficult as far as to get ahead in. I just didn't. Maybe you do. Maybe that's why you feel the need to wear Timberlands

12 months out of the year. Never heard back from him. Anyway, having said that, I actually, I love the Knicks and I also love the Rangers. I don't know why. I love both of those teams. I love an original 16 that isn't the Montreal Canadians. I love the Leafs, the fucking Rangers, the Black. I love them in the 90s. But somehow once once they they left that old arena, something made that was just sad to me. I love that you had to fucking lean

back. No, I still love the Red Wings. They've had a lot of great players that I loved. Shanahan, Iserman, all those Russian players that I can't remember any of their names, Sergey Fedorov. Yeah, there's a lot of teams. Yeah, I love the teams. The fans on the other hand, you know, you know what it really should be is just fans like this. Fans like that., the Whack-a-Mole fans. You know, that all pop up. That happens with success, right? All of a sudden, the place gets filled up

and then you can't get a ticket. You know, it's like during the Brady runs. It's like where the fuck were all you guys back when it was Schaeffer Stadium? Where were you? Sullivan Stadium, where were you? Where were you during those two and 14 fucking seasons? Were you sitting in fucking section 318,

hammered from a fucking tailgate, sitting there going, why did I buy seasons tickets? I remember I had seasons one year, we fucking went five and 11, and I was trying to get some of my money back. I forget who we were playing, but I bet against the Patriots because I was so fucking pissed.

I'm like, fuck this, if I'm gonna watch them lose every week, I'm gonna at least win some money. And then they showed up and won. I might have been against the Bills. It was right before the Bills became the Bills with Jim Kelly and they had Thurman Thompson. They had all the pieces to dominate the AFC.

Now there's a fucking group of New York teams that I have empathy for. Like I always look at that Scott Norwood, he had plenty of fucking leg. It was a 47, 48 yarder. And the story of that game is not, is not that he missed that field goal. It's that Bill Belichick,

the Giants defensive coordinator, shut down the run and gun. Where was all that offense? The run and gun offense, it comes down to a field goal? Against a team with no fucking quarterback. That's not supposed to happen. But you know what? He was a convenient. He's a convenient excuse. The real story of that game is the genius of Bill Pard, Bill Belichick. I think anyway, that's that's my take and then also

1999 the Buffalo Sabres that fucking guy was in the crease. They called that all year and the most important Most important goal of the year. They fuck him. I Don't know what it is. I Think they low-key Don't like Buffalo Because they don't consider it like one of the bigger cities. You know what I mean? Like I would say for a city of that size to have two professional sports teams is pretty amazing.

I mean, even the NBA left. The NBA left Rochester and they left Buffalo, right? It's like the Buffalo Bisons and then it was the Rochester Royals. And they were like, yeah, you know, fuck this, we're out of here. We're on our way to bigger and better things. And they couldn't sell out any place. I think they went to Cincinnati, right? Cincinnati Royals and then it became the Kansas City Kings and then the Sacramento Kings. Am I fucking nuts? I don't know.

Um, anyway, but, um... I don't know. It's gonna be a great day when the Knicks finally win a fucking championship, and I'm not gonna let a couple of fucking moron Knick fans ruin that for me. I'm gonna be happy for Verzi. So, um, that for me. I'm gonna be happy for Verzi. So, that's it. And I'm also proud of the Celtics winning that game,

not rolling over, making them come back down to New York. And now look, the pressure, hey, who knows? Anything can happen. Hey, that's why they play the games. If we fucking win and force a game seven, I can tell you who I'm not gonna hear from, all those fucking whack-a-mole fans Pop their head out when the Sun's out fucking hunkered down during the losses

Anyway plowing ahead here Well said I want to talk about oh my god, I did this gig at this church, another church. And it was the night the Knicks went up three games to one. And we sold all the tickets, but only like a third of the people showed up because everyone was out, I don't know, either celebrating or just figured that the show had already started because we held it for like another 15 minutes, but like nobody showed up. But it ended up being a lot of fun,

because I don't know, whenever, I have this weird thing that if I go into a room, no matter what size it is, if I see empty seats, I don't feel any pressure. You know, like I could be in a place that holds a couple thousand people, but if see empty seats I feel like all right, no pressure, didn't sell out right, but I could be in like a hundred seater and if it's packed then I'm like oh fuck. There's expectations. So anyway I was in this place, this old church.

It was amazing. It looked like everything in there was at least a hundred years old. And the green room where we were at, I mean, it must've had like 20 foot ceilings where we were in. And for whatever reason, it had like these cabinets Way up at the top

So I was joking with the other comedians I'm like what is in those cabinets and when was the last time anybody fucking looked I Mean, there's probably a flyer in there from World War two Talking about you know to donate your tin cans and all of that shit for the war effort. Anyway, so I your tin cans and all of that shit for the war effort. Anyway, so, uh... I had a really good leg day. They got this one fucking machine that I never used, um, before. The, uh, it's like that Donkey Kick... machine.

Like, the first time I did it, I was like, I-I-I... It was like the first time I tried to do a pull-up. It's like, did God not give me the muscle that I need to do this? And I don't know, I got it. I got it. I'm moving up the stack, but I'm still like, you know, just like 30 pounds for each leg. Like I haven't been able to, I went up to 40 pounds and I haven't done it like a

week and I had to go back down to 30, which is a great thing about being an old guy when you work out, you don't do that ego thing like last time I did 40, you know? You just do one, you're like, ah, that doesn't feel good. That feels like I'm gonna end up in rehab. Fuck that, gonna go back it down to 30 pounds,

do more reps and not have my fucking leg fall off. But I've been doing those and here's some here's a leg exercise that's two exercises that have been really helping my drumming. You know, Dave Eulich told me, you know, to build this up because, you know, I was always having problems doing those bottom triplet things, keeping the hi hat going. And it's because I had no balance and I had to like lean back if both legs were coming up the same time

and I've been working on so as hip flexors and my lower back so I can stay planted and be on my sit bones and then then all of a sudden, it's like you're you're it's like your command over the kit. I was like falling away from it. So there's these one exercises that I've been doing, right? You take like a water bottle. Okay, you sit down on the floor. And like you have to like you feed it like 10 and two, then you have the water bottle on the outside of one leg and you sit up straight and without leaning back as much as you can, is you take one leg and you pick it up and over the water bottle

and then set it down and then come back over the other side and that's one rep. And the first time I did those things, the next day, my hip flexors were like on fire. Like I had never used those muscles in my life. And now I can do like sets of 10. And I have like this dressing room mirror and I'm noticing I'm sitting up straight way,

but I'm still leaned back a little bit. But it's really giving me way more balance and power when I play, when I try to do those things. And it's been amazing. And then also I had a breakthrough because I've been trying to get into this thing that I've been learning from somebody else about like flow mode, just playing what you're hearing, this thing that I've been learning from somebody else

about like flow mode, just playing what you're hearing, going around the kit and all of that. So it's really frustrating if you don't have like a game plan, but through watching different teachers and stuff and seeing these licks on Instagram, I came up with like this thing that I do where I kind of have like, rather than just, I used to play the licks four times in the same order,

each lick, right? Four different 16th note triplet licks, right? And then I would just gradually bring the BPM up until one of them was falling apart and then I would back it down so I got him up to speed and Then but then my muscle memory was to play each each of them four times and Then go to the next one in the same order So

It was still robotic. I was still between my ears. So what I've been doing now is sort of just playing like, you know, sixteenth note triplets on the snare, accenting on different things, throwing the kick in or whatever. And then I sort of have my home base lick when I go into like trying to play the lick. So I'll play the home base lick and then the first one of the other,

like four or five licks that I'm thinking of, when I think of it, I just play it. And then maybe another one after that. And then whenever I have like a brain fart, I just go back to that home lick. And I just keep doing that over and over and over again. And now all of a sudden, doing that over and over and over again and now all of a sudden I've been able to like kind of like

flow a little bit with the limited vocabulary I have. It's sort of like a Victor Wooten thing that I learned. It's obviously one of the best bass players in the world where he talks about learning how to speak you you know, on like a bass guitar and playing notes and everything. But the philosophy of it, I've been able to apply to like drums that like, okay, so like, I'm basically a baby, and I'm learning how to say mama, dada right now. So don't judge yourself that you can't go up and give like some dissertation on, you know, you're just learning to speak. So with that, then I give myself permission to fuck up. And then all of a sudden, you know, I'm not saying I'm crushing, but I will say this that, you know,

the next time I go to guitar center, you know, and I see a dad with the fanny pack, you know, I'm going to see if I can get him to look over his shoulder like who's who's that dad? You know, I thought I was the coolest dad in the drum section. You know, maybe maybe this guy's coming for my title. Because I've always been the worst drummer every time I've gone into fucking a guitar center. Whatever these a man can have his dreams. All right, let's do some reads here. I guess I have one here. Oh, fast growing trees. Did you know fast growing trees

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That's squarespace.com slash Burr for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Burr to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. All right, there you go. Well, that is the podcast. My feelings about game six. I think the Knicks, I think the Knicks win that.

I think they had a little bit of a letdown or Celtic Pride took over game five. I think game six the Madison Square Garden will be rockin' and I think yeah I think I think the Knicks will take that one. However for some reason they don't. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my God. Oh my God. If the Celtics ever came back down 3-1 without Jason Tate against the Knicks, I'm trying to think how I would handle that with my good friend Paul Verzi.

Just out of respect, I wouldn't call him until he called me. Until he was ready to talk. You have no fucking idea. You have no, maybe you do. If you guys listen to his podcast, which I hope you do, that fucking guy, like, I've never seen a guy. And he, the passion he has for the Knicks and Paul

Verzi is there every fucking year win or lose that fucking guy is a true fan to the fucking bone Percy is is a fan so I will be happy for him. And all right, so that is it. That is the podcast, enjoy the music picked out by the amazing Andrew Themelis.

And then we have a bonus episode after Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Money Money podcast. Thank you to everybody who continues to come out. To Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross, they just put something out, how Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross has already recouped. So everybody that put their money up on the play and bet on us got their money back.

So all of you guys that came out to the show has made all of the people in the play look good. So thank you so much for that. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts, and I'll see you on Monday. ["It's So Much Better"] It's so much better when it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, May 15th, 2017, halfway through the month of May. Oh, Jesus Christ. Do you know, Bobby

Orr scored that fucking overtime goal on Mother's Day to win the Stanley Cup. Back then, you know, I think you only had to win eight. It was like fucking twelve teams. He had the original six and the expansion six. The original six really weren't the original six. They were just the six left over after fucking the stock market crash or some shit. They were the only guys left. Or after World War I. I can't remember. Didn't like the Lusitania

Sink and then like half the players on the fucking Montreal Maroons were on it. I don't know What is this stumped the fucking Swami over here? You know Nia's been been she's been recording The sports jeopardy aka Buffalo Wild Wings Jeopardy. I'm gonna tell you, even the sports fan it's not easy but oh do I seem like a smotty when I'm watching that show to the point near goes if they ever do any sort of fucking you know comedian sports jeopardy thing where you can give the money to a charity. I love that shit. It's like, I'm gonna go on TV,

onto a game show. One of the hardest game shows out there, Jeopardy. Granted, it's all gonna be about sports, but they do a lot of shit of like, you know, who's the first free agent to fucking get into a fight with Al Davis after, I don't fucking know, right? Name the last three owners of the Seattle Seahawks. Like, they take it to that level.

You know what I mean? But I love how, you know, Nia's like, oh, you should go on, then just, you know, give the money to a charity. Fuck the charity, I do enough benefits as a comedian, I can't go on TV and try to win some money from me. You know, hit a couple of categories, they're going, woo! You know?

I'm going to go on TV and expose how limited my fucking, I don't know, my world is. I don't know. I'm going to go on TV and make an ass of myself and then give it to some dirty-faced kid afterwards. I'm gonna lose, and then what? Some kid who grew up in a fucking chimney is gonna sit there crying because I went there and basically did the Babe Ruth thing.

Hey kid, I'll go out there and hit a home run for you today except I'll do it with my mind, man. I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna fucking lose except I'll do it with my mind, man. I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna fucking lose because they're gonna be like, yeah, what brand of baseball glove did Goose Gossage use when he was still on the fucking Oakland A's? Rawlings? Oh no, sorry, the correct answer was a Wilson.

Douchebag family with a chance to steal. I actually did, if I can remember the category, my problem with those shows is sometimes I don't understand the, they'll say like get Carter and it takes like fucking three in a row to understand like oh, everybody's got the last name Carter I got the hardest one too, or maybe I'm just the oldest They brought up the fucking The dude on Michigan then I think went to the fucking USFL make this fucking Anthony Carter number one. I First started watching college football. He was the man out there with the Wolverines

Alright, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba the man out there with the Wolverines. All right? Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum. The great fucking fight songs of all time. The Michigan Wolverines. Da da da da da da da da da da da da. I'm fucking with you. I know where it goes. Hail to the victor's valiant. And I was singing the Notre Dame song.

Oh Jesus is tink. Right? Oh Jesus They're going for a two-point conversion there Jesus. What do you got to say? Well, you know, I mean if they make it they make it I mean, I love everybody get out of this fucking locker room You bearded hippie That's what happened if Jesus came back Jesus ever went to the locker room and Newt Rockne was in there, right? Jesus ever went to the locker room and knew Rockne was in there, right? All five foot nothing of them considered fucking average height way back in the day before they put the horse tranquilizers

in the fucking horse meat that they fed to the horses that they then fed to the cows, right? That are then in my burger. Maybe that's why I have such a fucking disposition. I eat a lot of red meat. Maybe that's why I have such a fucking disposition. I eat a lot of red meat. This is how much red meat I eat. I don't consider hamburger red meat. To me, red meat is I had a steak.

I have a burger. I mean, it's, hey, it's not red after I'm done cooking it, you know? Actually, it's not even true. I like all of it medium rare. And what I've been told by E. coli freaks, where they're like, look, you can have a steak medium rare. That's a lot less of a risk because that's just one cow. You're rolling the dice.

It's like you bang one hooker without wearing a glove. Oh, Jesus, Bill. And then hamburger, though, it's like you banged Vietnam. I don't know you banged Vietnam. I don't know why I picked Vietnam. For some reason I went to fucking Full Metal Jacket. Hey baby, you got go-fem Vietnam. It's like you banged a fucking country of that.

That's what hamburger is, because it's just a bunch of cows all fucking mulched together, right? You have a steak, it's like you just fucked one cow. That's what I'm trying to our steer I should say what's the stair well? That's a bull without his balls, buddy All right, take off its fucking horns. I don't know what it is anyways, and if you have hamburger. That's like you know You know you're just Freddie Mercury running around fucking the whole free world. Isn't that basically it? I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm not, I don't know my way around the kitchen enough to know if that analogy worked or not, but I will say that I... Let's just get back to the original point, okay?

What was the original point? Yeah, I don't consider hamburger red meat, or was it that I'm not given some fucking kid who lives in a chimney? I don't know why a chimney. You know what? Seeing broke children is always sad unless they're white. There's just something fucking funny. But yet, you know, I think it's just a relief as a white person that the guilt goes away. You know, no, you know, anytime you see somebody from another race broke, you know, white people

fucking pushed them out. They put a Walmart down, right? They put one of those Derricks in there, they started sucking all the fucking shit out of it. You know? I wonder if people around the world, when they watch the beginning of the Beverly Hillbillies, start crying, you know? When they just see the white man, even like, to first they're laughing like, oh my god,

it's toothless broke white people, hilarious, and even they discover oil and they get to keep it So they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly Hills that is I wonder if they cry When the children cry, you know, nobody guessed the movie I was talking about. I kept references we had problems with the family back east. Anyways, let's apply. Speaking of the children cry. That's from White Lion, everybody.

When the children cry was actually a hit. That's how fucking off the rails music went at one point. Little child, try your crying eyes I was like on the top ten I remember watching it I didn't give a fuck about that song but I was like that lead guitarist of all these fucking guys trying to be Eddie Van Halen I'm not saying this guy was they're trying to do the shit that Eddie did that fucking fucking guy in White Lion, he came the closest. You know?

Out of all the white bands, you know? The White Lions, the fucking, who else was it? It was White Lion, it was Great White, it was White Snake, it was Hey There Whitey, it was a little known all-white funk band. Because that's what people used to yell when they went to, can't remember how it goes I don't know anyway speaking of children crying my condolences to all the fans of the Washington Capitals and you know what happens when you hit the fucking wall for the third time when you win the president's trophy you know under two different presidents.

OK, when Obama brings you two and Donald Trump comes in with his tie hanging all the way down, his tie would still touch the ground even if he was wearing skates. He comes walking into your locker room and he gives you that fucking trophy. Yeah, you're on your second goddamn president. You've left the ugliest uniforms in the history of the fucking game of hockey, possibly. Definitely up there. Those blue ones with that gold fucking eagle. It just looks like they put a stamp, like the post office had a limited stamp thing. And all those weird fucking smelly people, you know?

People who don't bathe collect stamps, you know? And I'm not saying that, you know, with all this stuff like what do you identify with a man or a woman, you know, being a man? I'm a man but I don't identify. I just don't identify. Can you imagine the fucking emptiness of that Every day waking up shaving going what the fuck is this I?

Can't relate to this fucking beard on my face, man You know When am I tits gonna come in I just I can't imagine that but whatever there's other people that can't you know they don't identify With other human beings forget about they don't identify with their own gender. There's another group of people that we all need to care about and wear a certain color on a certain day or maybe a ribbon for. And these are people that can't identify with other people. They just can't identify with human beings in general. And these people collect stamps.

You know, they just sit in their room. They're not bothering anybody. Taking that big giant fucking book off that shelf, you know, blowing the dust off it. Because they finally got the Washington capitals fucking horrific jersey from the mid to early 2000s, whenever they had that. It was that awful period, that's right, in the NHL.

They added too many fucking teams and everybody changed their uniforms I I should put it all on the capitals, Washington DC fucking horrific Thank God they went back to the red white and blue You know, I mean you are there in DC for fuck's sakes, you know, if anybody should have the color of the flag It should be you guys you know the buffalo sabers that fucking ihl horse shit they had you know what did they put a sheep on the front they didn't look like a bull anymore it was terrible fucking terrible um props to them by the way when they finally admitted that they made a fucking mistake that was such a horrible period they had that strike that they lost a whole season of the NHL.

All right. They added a bunch of fucking teams. Too many goddamn teams. They had the Atlanta Thrasher's. They had the fucking Florida Marlins. Right. That's right. They played hockey first before they suck so bad they were like, you know what, let's

just fucking play baseball. No, the Florida Panthers, the Lightning, the Coyotes. I think the North Stars moved down to become the Stars. At least they kept the kind of, they're all right because they kept the same fucking uniforms. Then of course they knocked down that stadium in Minnesota and they put up the Mall of America there. That's so sad that, you know, the place where Dino Cicciarelli smashed his stick over that fucking guy's head, you can now sit there, stand in there eating frozen yogurt without a care in the world, you know? Or was that a road game? Anyways, um, the fuck am I talking about here? That's right.

So then you had all these new teams in the NHL and then on top of that, all these teams that have been established all changed their fucking uniforms. So you come back after the strike and you're just watching like, dude, is this the fucking Olympics? Well, actually that's not true because they started doing that in the 90s. Because when the Sabres, the Sabres got fucked in 1999. You know, back when you couldn't even have a fucking shoelace. Tough like fucking shoe leather that mozzarella. Huh? Who knows that one? There's another obscure. Tough like fucking shoe leather that mozzarella. Mozzarella. Whatever the fuck

you said. Mozzarella. Huh? Who knows that one? If you're religious you might know that. That's a hint. The title has something religious, a religious figure in it. And it's not Jesus Christ Superstar. That's the last hint I'm gonna give you. Yeah, the Sabres got fucked in 1999. Was it Bret Hull? Was it fucking Danny Mashburn? I don't know who the fuck it was. Joe Barry Carroll? Who had their foot in the fucking crease? I can't remember, but the whole year they're calling it until the biggest goal of the year, the one that decides the Stanley Cup, classic NHL. Yeah, that new rule that's been fucking everybody all year round. Yeah, forget it. We've decided to change the rule in overtime in the clinching game of the Stanley Cup playoffs.

That's how we do it. That's right. That's how we do it. We take breaks every 20 minutes and we have rules and all of a sudden the rules go away. So anyways, my condolences to the city to the district of Columbia Capital fans man. They fucking did it to you again You know when you keep showing up because you're real fans, and you know what's gonna suck now They're gonna dismantle the entire fucking team. Hopefully they keep a vet chicken. You guys are out of your fucking minds if you get rid of him Are they gonna blame it all on him? Did you see that picture of his leg?

all fucking bruised up He looked like somebody tried to get information out of him. He wouldn't give it up, you know? Fucking veins sticking out. Um, oh my daughter's crying in there. Oh Jesus Christ. I feel like a bad dad. But Nia's in there, okay? Nia's handling it, don't worry. Can you hear that? Yeah. This is the time of night, like she's so like, wants to know everything that's going on that she does, she won't nap enough during the day. And by the way, fuck all your suggestions.

I don't want to hear a million suggestions. Put one of her shirts in the bath and that. We've tried everything, okay? It's just, you know, it's a phase she's going through. And I am done listening to fucking people who are not wearing lab coats If you don't have a lab coat on and you don't have a fucking little degree hanging on a wall behind you Just keep your fucking ideas to yourself Okay

The level of shit that parents talk every fucking one of them has a goddamn cure for every fucking thing that happens. Every one of them just glided through fucking being a parent or figured it all out. And for some stupid reason, they didn't cash in on it and write a book. Why would you do that when you can just show up to somebody's house and vomit all your fucking ideas on them? If any of your people's fucking ideas work, you should put it in a book and go on the Oprah channel.

You guys can sit there holding each other's fucking hands as she tells you how amazing you are. Instead of coming over here, boring me with it, and then I go and try it, you know? Actually, you know what? The shirt one worked. The shirt one did work. I will say that. I shouldn't have fucking said that, because a relative suggested to me me and it was fucking great.

That's just the first thing that popped in my head. I was actually thinking about somebody else that annoyed the shit out of me with something else trying to feed my kid solid food three months into her life. Oh no, it's fine. It's fine. Oh god, this is the danger of riffing because you end up shitting on the person you're not upset with. Anyways, plumbing ahead. Where am I? Oh yeah, McDonald's is, you know, so I would definitely keep Ovechkin. You got to build around the guy.

Build around the guy again and, you know, get a coach with a neck in, you know, maybe he can see if something was off sides or not and he could throw the flag or whatever you do to challenge it instead of sitting there with his spine fused. Somebody made the joke, said that every coach in the NHL looks like a Bond villain. It is true. I got to go with that, you know what I mean? Um, although I would say that Claude Julien, Claude Julien looks like that, that dude in the swamp thing, that when he got turned into a monster became that little guy running around.

That was such a weird fucking movie, where, I don't even remember the name of the movie the whole thing about the movie was there was this check and she had these giant fucking tits and you're just waiting for her to go into the lake so they'd show a little side boob now this is the early 80s that was a big fucking thing when you were like 12 years old all right so the deal with the swamp thing which is where I got that thing I had problems with the family thing, which is where I got that thing, I had problems with the family back east, that's where it's from. It's from the swamp thing.

I'm obviously fucking with you. What am I talking about? Oh yeah, the swamp thing, right? So how that worked, he was, I forget what happened, the guy was walking near a swamp, you know, the usual thing, and then a telephone pole falls into the fucking swamp, he gets electrocuted, and then he becomes the usual thing and then a telephone pole falls into the fucking swamp He gets electrocuted and then he becomes the swamp thing and he's as strong as shit and there's some fucking bad guy So they figure out how he became the swamp thing. So then the bad guy wants

He wants a swamp thing of him sent army a swamp thing. So whatever he can take over all the swamps I don't I don't remember right? So This fucking little weasel-y dude, he does the same thing, and when he turns into a monster, he's this little-ass fucking weasel-y monster. So then the bad guy goes, well, how come he didn't turn into what you are? And it says, well, when you get electrocuted in the swamp and you turn into a swamp thing, it just enhances your personality. All right? So if you're a fucking stud like me, who even though I look like a swamp thing, I can still bang that big titted whore

over there in the lake, if you're a little weasely cunt, you just become an ugly weasely cunt with like mud and leaves for skin. There you go, people. And I can't think of a better time to read a little bit of advertising. What do you say there? What do you say there? What do we got here? Oh, there. I can't think of a better time to read a little bit of advertising. What do you say there? What do you say there?

What do we got here? Oh wait, I gotta finish. So, you know, the only thing I can say to DC fans is when you finally fucking win it, it makes it all the sweeter. Just going through all of this shit. All right? I watched the Bruins from about 79, 80, and I had to wait till like 2011. So what's that?

89, 99, 2009. And I had to wait till like 2011. So what's that? 89 99 2009 I watched him for about 33 years All right And I know you guys Shut up Shut up. All right. You got all those monuments. You can fucking walk around can't you? Cheer up. They look at the window the wizards forced to game 7

I'll talk about that a little later after I read a couple of fucking advertisements here. Alright, oh Billy Billy Billy Billy. Oh Billy Billy. I got one more here. Oh no, I don't. That was the last one. Oh, this is this guy giving me shit about airline bumping.

Oh, he fucking went off on me. He fucking put me in his place when he sat down at his goddamn keyboard. I'll get to this in a minute. I will get to this in a minute. I like this guy who gives me shit about the airline bumping. You know why? Because there's very few people out there that defend the man. All right? Anybody can attack the man.

Every once in a while, it takes a fucking, a fucking, I don't know, the internet version of that Clint Eastwood spaghetti western guy coming to town with his little fucking Mike Tyson, his colorful Mike Tyson towel over his fucking head, right? That's how broke Mike Tyson was when he first started out. He was like, I want to dress like Clint Eastwood. They said, all right, we'll get you his underwear, his boots, and we'll get that little fucking, that little shawly puts over it, but you know, we can't afford to put any color on it. You know? And that's the kind of thing that leads

you to bite somebody's ear off. I'm just saying. I'm not trying to say that what he did was right, but I'm just saying I understand. Hey, how you doing up there in Montreal everybody? Montreal, Canada. How's things going up there? You enjoying the fucking off season? God knows you're going to have enough time to come and see me in June. This is what I'm loving about the Predators, alright? Although they seem like they're losing right now. I'm taping the game, but I'll fuck myself over here and I'll just look it up right now.

Oh, look at that, the little time trial thing you gonna fucking load for me I think the ducks were up 5 to 2 or 5 to 3 how fucking weird are these playoffs this year you know anyways now you know I always give you guys shit about the curse of Patrick Waugh you humiliated that guy I mean what you guys did to him when you watch like like horror movies You know what I mean when somebody like you know thinks they're prom queen And then you dump a bunch of blood on them or they think that they're gonna go miss make a wish in a well And then their mother pushes them to the bottom of it

You know what I mean? They think they're gonna. You know that that all of that shit all of that shit all of that shit right somebody drowns in a fucking lake you guys did the hockey version of that to Patrick wah you know he thought you guys loved him that's who was it was like Carrie he came out there you know has one fucking bad game you won't pull him you leave him in there, you fucking do a mock cheer when this guy who redefined the position, first ballot Hall of Famer, continuing the tradition of winning fucking Stanley Cups, you know, and he won it during the real era when it was like 30 fucking teams, 28 teams, not all those cups the Canadians and Maple Leafs won back in the day when it wasn't even the state, it was like 30 fucking teams, 28 teams. Not all those cups, the Canadians and Maple Leafs

won back in the day when it wasn't even a state, it was like a fucking shot glass. You ever see him skating around with the thing? Looks like a fucking baton, you know? Before it became that giant goddamn thing. Anyways, they booed him out of town. So ever since then, there's been the curse of Patrick Waugh. And I think the next fucking part, Anyways, they booed him out of town. So ever since then, there's been the curse of Patrick Waugh.

And I think the next fucking part, the next chapter of the curse, okay, is PK Subban. You know, you know what they ran him out of fucking, you ran that guy out of town. Now this wasn't your fans, I think it was the organization. I also think it's because I'm a Bruins fan and I just love giving you guys shit because what am I going to do? championships you guys are gonna destroy me So this is this little fucking little thorn I can put in the underneath your fucking elephant foot here. All right What PK was a fucking great dude, and he gave too much money that children's hospital He started becoming bigger than the Canadians and the Canadians couldn't fucking handle it

Like when Kobe couldn't handle Shaq and he said look either he goes or I go and they said okay Kobe and they sent Shaq to Miami and then he won a fucking title there right and then they had to bring Phil Jackson back and another 50,000 fucking free agents as they always fucking do you know I you know I just give Kobe shit for the first three rings. Get the fuck out of here. The last two, I'll give you those. Even with the officiating and that second time you played the Celtics.

Hey, let's call fucking 38 fouls on one team and 17 on the other. That makes for a good game seven, doesn't it? Not saying that we would have won, but it would have been nice to see the Lakers beat the Celtics that year. Just saying. Anyways, plowing ahead. saying that we would have won but it would have been nice to see the Lakers beat the Celtics that year just saying Anyways plowing ahead so now the Predators are up one to nothing against the fucking Emilio Estevez's The Sheens whatever the fuck you call them down there the mighty the mighty Sheens the Anaheim Estevez's

the mighty ducks I Don't like the ducksucks I Don't like the Ducks. I Don't like ducks Don't give a fuck. I just don't like them. Okay. I don't like the Honda Center Okay, I you go there. There's no fucking vibe There's no vibe in Anaheim. It's just a fucking it's just I don't know what it is. It's just a strange goddamn place Anaheim is fucking weird This whole fucking LA area is weird like people weren't supposed to live here, you know what I mean

They weren't supposed to fucking live here. It's a fucking desert. We still water the whole thing's weird But at least you know, there's this cool shit to look at You know, except when you go to Anaheim, I don't know what you look at All right, and you go down there, there's no fucking vibe. Maybe it's better. I went to a Ducks game in the late 90s. They were still early. Right?

They were still the mighty Ducks. They still had Donald Duck with the broken bill in the front. Isn't that what they had for their logo? I don't know. So anyways, what if, what if, what if PK leads the Nashville Predators to a Stanley Cup championship this year? I'm just throwing that out there for everybody up there on St. Catherine Street, you know, with your cute little pocket squares that matches the color of your socks.

You know, what the fuck are you going to do then? Nashville, that banjo playing fucking washboard down by the fucking river. You ever been to Nashville? I mean, half the structures there still have dirt floors. It's unfucking, it's ridiculous. You know? Like when they went this day, when they went to Nashville this year, and they were like, you know, who you voting for for president? They're like, I'll tell you one thing. I ain't vote for Lincoln

He wants to free the slaves That's how backward Nashville is you know, I know there's all this shit out there saying it's just growing city You know and they're trying to get people to move that the reason why they're trying to do that is because so many of the structures Still have dirt floors Okay. Now if he can go down there, all right, and, and, and fucking lead them to the Stanley cup, the big boy Stanley cup, not that little shot glass that you and you and fucking Toronto one,

like fucking 15 times each, you know, I'll give the Canadians their last 10 cups, but I look at them like, I can't even say they're equal to Detroit because Detroit was back then when it was a shot glass. You know, sort of a fancy shot glass. Anyways, I'm just fucking with you. I have no idea how the fucking Predators were in the finals, the Western Conference finals with the Ducks, and then the Ottawa Senators. What the fuck is going on with them?

When is the glass slipper gonna turn back into a fucking pumpkin? I'm telling you, if Ottawa goes any deeper into the playoffs, they're actually gonna sell out a home game. This is unbelievable. Did you see the first game of the Rangers? They had 2,000, of the Rangers series,

they had 2,000 empty seats. That's because they stopped playing the Bruins. You know what I mean? And the Bruins were You know what I mean? And the Bruins were just close enough to Ottawa that that shuttle flight wasn't too expensive. You know? Then they played the Rangers, and God knows Rangers fans, all those fucking Manhattan cunts, they got the money to fly up to Ottawa, but they're New Yorkers.

Dude, why would I, they got Boar's Head, they got a slice of cheese, why would I travel? Look over there, it's the Empire State Building. Oh! That's what New Yorkers are. They're fucking, they're like country people. You don't have to be lonely. Fucking skanks in the fucking five boroughs. I am in an extra country mood and I am just trashing people that I have no right to trash. My team is not in the playoffs.

My team has not won as many championships as the fucking Canadians. My city doesn't have as many skyscrapers as New York City. Hey, don't fuck with my shitty You just fuck with the wrong city. I had problems with the family back east If you touch my family, I'll fucking kill you Those lines will never get old in Hollywood, you know, it's another fucking hacky thing I'm so sick of every other fucking show doing the speed dating I'm so sick of every other fucking show doing the speed dating fucking scene. How many times can you do that?

In one fucking lunatic after. I mean, it's not that bad. Jesus fucking Christ. People showing up with like half an axe in the side of their head. People living with their mother, the person who's actually gay, pretending to be straight, the fucking psych, I mean Eddie Murphy did this shit fucking, and coming to America in 1989. Jesus Christ, why don't you just have somebody come in

and slip on a banana peel and then get a pie in their face and then do the dating thing. Hey Bill, if you're so talented, why don't you come up with something new? Because I'm limited. All right, I never said I would fucking reinvent something. All right, unfortunately I have to take a little bit of break and I'm on a nice little roll here.

I'm on a nice little roll here, but I have a, I got something I gotta take care of, which is why I'm doing this at nine o'clock on a Sunday. But why do I need to tell you guys? Because this is only gonna be a fucking second of your life. All right, hang on a moment. Okay, I'm back. I'm back, and I am as illiterate as ever.

All right, you want to listen to somebody just fucking tearing me a new one here? So I was talking about fucking United Airlines and Delta, and them just yanking people off of flights and like what happened to customer service and all of this type of you know I felt guilty flying United the way they just dragged that Chinese dude off the plane or the dude going to China just assuming he was Chinese Asian you can give me that right who knows who knows they hit him so fucking hard I don don't know. You know? Fucking... Fucking anyways. Airline bumping, he said.

He says, hey, you uninformed cunt. And I'll tell you, nothing makes the reader want to read more when you just start off with the insults. He said, Congress and the Passengers Bill of Rights have led to more passengers getting bumped due to more cancellations. And do you think he gives any examples? No, he just moves on to his next point. Also if people showed up for the flights they booked, the airlines wouldn't be overbooked.

Many passengers book multiple flights. How about if you buy, so you're just assuming that the guys that they're yanking off the flights that those people, I don't do that. I buy one fucking ticket and I show up. That's how I do it. So you're telling me that that Chinese dude or that other fucking person on Delta, you're telling me that that that those are those people. So they said, Hey, you book like 20 flights.

You only showed up for one. Hey, get out of that fuck, I said get out of there. You're telling me that's what happened? Or are you telling me that because other people do that, because the guilty people did it, that United and Delta is now just gonna grab some random innocent person and throw them off the fucking flight?

I heard the reason why they did it was because they had another plane that they had to get a flight crew to and they just fucking yanked the guy off. That has nothing to do with that other shit as far as I know, but I hate what am I? I'm just an uninformed cunt. Evidently you who just like me just make statements with no fucking evidence behind it. All right, plowing ahead he goes, how about if I buy a ticket for a flight and miss it for whatever reason? You lose it?

Question mark? Is that how you run your shows? Was that a point? How about if I buy a ticket for a flight and miss it for whatever reason, comma, you lose it? Oh, how about if you... Yeah, I don't have a problem with that. I don't have a fucking problem with that at all.

I'm on the same page. I hate when I show up on time for the security line and somebody else shows up super late and then they get rewarded and get breezed through the fucking line like they're in that T... Like they're part of the TSA party. They're the pre-check people dude you're bringing up all this other shit that has nothing to do with a fucking just somebody who bought a ticket and sits on the plane I drive a car other people steal cars should I be yanked out

of my fucking car because other people are stealing cars? This makes no sense. I might be an uninformed cunt but you are a pompous, arrogant, uninformed cunt. I could say that because I'm in show business and you know we're all down to earth. Alright let me read some more of your air quote points. Alright is that how you run your shows? No I don't run my shows like that. You know, this is my fucking, this is how I run my fucking show. I don't have anybody kicked out ever.

He can be the biggest cunt ever. I kicked the first fucking person out in 10 years because he was so fucking drunk. I'm a hell of a guy, I don't give a fuck. I'm a great guy when it comes to that shit. How dare you lump me in with United Airlines and Delta? You, you, you, you hateful so and so. All right, let me at least finish this point here.

Is that how you run your shows? Or if someone buys a ticket to your show and misses it due to traffic, leaving the house late, et cetera, do you honor their ticket to the next show? I will tell you this, I've had plenty of people fucking reach out to me and I have hooked plenty of people up with tickets. Okay? How about that? Has everyone reached out to me? Have I seen every

fucking email? No, but I hook people up. I've run into fucking people walking down the street driving by in a car going, oh fuck I didn't know you were there. Hey, can I go to the show and I'm like it's all sold out oh fuck I go fuck it what's your name I've done that countless times so there you go sir I don't know what you're talking about so the equivalent to that is I fucking pull up and stand outside the gates of the airport go hey you guys flying to Minneapolis uh yes sir we are could I can I buy a ticket? Sorry it's all sold out. Oh don't worry about it. Don't worry we'll get you on the plane and then they fucking yank someone off. I don't know. Why'd they pick the Asian guy? Huh? Why couldn't they pick some fucking white dude in a suit?

You know why. You know why. All right. Leaving the house late, did they? Okay. Well, that is what the airlines do if you miss a flight. They put you on another one. So fuck off, you non-reading, pigment-impaired cunt.

That's not what they do. That's what they do sometimes. Other times they yank you off the plane. Other times they tell you to go fuck yourself. Other times they say hey you have 200,000 miles you can't use them when you want to use them and if you don't use them by next Wednesday we're taking them all back. Other times they say hey we're just charging extra because it's post 9-11 we lost all this, we're just charging extra because it's post 9 11. We lost all this money. We're just charging for food, but eventually we'll fucking stop overcharge

and we'll stop charging for this shit for all the money that we lost in 9 11, which, you know, we're now going to pass on to our fucking customers. So they take the hit. When was fucking 9 11? I know I'm an uninformed cunt. As far as my calculations, we're coming up on the 16th anniversary this September. You're still paying for Pringles, aren't you? Sir, I'm all for defending the fucking man when it's four. I mean, I don't know what you just fucking... You just brought up a bunch of, I guess, behavior by frequent flyer people, so then evidently I should get yanked off a plane at some point because other people are overbooking shit.

You know what, you're the kind of person that probably likes that, what do they call it, the trap ride or the trick car, whatever that fucking show is. You probably like that show. You probably think that that's a good fucking show, right? That show, I can't even believe that fucking show is on television. Further, it's on TruTV, we should change their name to fucking horrific TV. They fucking, they drive down to like the fucking projects

and they leave a car with the door open, keys in it running, and then they wait for someone to fucking steal it, and then they act like they got a bad guy off the fucking street. And I was reading comments underneath the you know, I love that they're going to go out of their fucking way to go down there and try to get someone to go to jail. Why don't you go down there and try to help somebody out? I saw one guy he actually stole the fucking car.

He knew it was the trap car or whatever. He's driving with the door open because he knows that they just, they fucking hit the locks so he can't get out. And he's saying he knows it's a trap car, he's waving to the camera and all that. They asked me, if he knew it was a trap car, why did you do it? He said, I don't know, maybe I just wanted to get on TV. And then he laughed. And everybody's like, that guy's crazy.

I want to party with that guy. That guy's a dope or anything. It was, to me, it was fucking depressing. Like that's the level of options this guy has in his fucking life that he would do something like that and somebody else brought up a great point Okay, like why don't they take that car around the fucking suburbs? To the white cul-de-sacs. Why don't they do that? Maybe is that simple kids white kids don't steal cars the fuck they don't They absolutely do and I'll tell you,

there's a point in my fucking life I would have done that. I absolutely would have done that. Just for the stupid fucking, just to have the story so I could talk about it loudly around chicks that I liked because I didn't know any other way to approach them. If they ever did that in a fucking suburb and a bunch of white kids started going to jail over that shit,

that shit would not, there'd be entrapment, it wouldn't be held up in court, and the fucking show would be shut down. All I'm saying, okay? You, sir, you probably like that type of shit. You probably like that show. You think that's a good show, and hey, let's, let's, uh, you know, rather than giving this guy an opportunity,

you know, they could just as easily, couldn't True TV have a fucking show, where they go down there and they try to give somebody a fucking job? You know? I just as easily couldn't true TV have a fucking show they go down there They try to give somebody a fucking job You know I Don't know Anyways plow it ahead making your own baby food a Billy burp Had my first kid a couple years ago congratulations a friend suggested We make our own baby food because it's easier to get them to transition to real

and healthy foods. We tried it and it was fun. Friends suggested we make our own baby food because it's easier to get them to transition. Okay, all right. We couldn't, this is another fucking guy, no lab coat, no degree. We couldn't do it 100% of the time, but it was totally worth it. My kid isn't that picky of an eater and I like to thank think that days of Pulverizing fruits vegetables and oats into tasty meals. Oh, it's because of that

I'm sure you can afford the good stuff for the little lady, but just thought I'd throw it out there. Thanks and go fuck yourself Yeah, I don't know dude. I don't know what to tell you I'll cross that fucking road when I get everybody's always like, you know Got all these goddamn suggestions. It was somebody fucking, you know, everybody talking about like private schools versus public schools. It's like these fucking kids, they don't even get to be kids anymore. They should be out fucking, you know, this whole fucking thing that, you know, from day one, like you just got to be like you've seen what it does look In these countries that fucking push their kids too hard They have like ulcerated fucking bottles like they've been working on fucking Wall Street for 60 goddamn years and they're like seven

The level of stress that they put on them fuck that my kids gonna be a goddamn kid All right, I flunk I fucked everything in high school. I fucked up everything. I got arrested for drinking and driving. I was unloading trucks, I did all of this shit, and then one day I just figured out, what the fuck do I, what do I wanna do? You know?

I found a passion and I followed it and I was fine. And I remember back in the day, they used to fuck, oh, you need two years of a language. If you don't have two years of a fucking language, you can't, blah, blah, blah, it's all fucking bull. You know who used to say that? The fucking language teacher. Fuck everybody.

Fuck everybody. Let your kid be a goddamn kid. And fuck all these fucking private schools with their nine zillion dollar fucking, you know, oh, you better get in when the kids are just playing with blocks. The early you get in, the better chance you have for your kid to continue on in other words start fucking lining our pockets now Yeah, why don't you just have you know, wouldn't be cheaper to just have your kid homeschooled

You're gonna drop all that fucking cash like he's already going to Yale And then fucking going to school and they're going the wheels on the bus go round and round round and that'll be enough yeah the credit card didn't work yeah I can't teach you the rest of the song all right birthday boat party hey Bill you bald-headed eagle Jesus going Jesus, going fucking old school on that one. Um, hey you chisler, hey you sidewinder. Recently my girlfriend dumped me over a text message. Um, I swear to God, if that existed back in the day, I would fucking be lighting phones up. If that wasn't bad enough, I got the text just as I was walking into a movie with a buddy. She told me straight that she didn't love me anymore.

I took it like a man, watched the movie, went home and cried like a bitch. Ha ha ha ha! Honest guy. Two days later, I went to a party on a boat. I spotted my now ex. We made eye contact and she looked away. So now I'm trapped on a boat for four hours. You didn't know that she was going to be there? With a bunch of drunk cunts.

I don't want to be around. And of course her. I made an attempt to ask her why the fuck she didn't have the balls to dump me face to face. But she ignored me totally. Ah, she's young and immature. I then saw her walk over to a guy and start kissing him. Jesus Christ. I commend you sir for not throwing yourself and them also overboard. A fucking double murder slash suicide. Bill I have no fucking idea. I didn't punch this cunt but I decided not to. I now wish I had punched his stupid fucking face and my question is what should I have, should I have done something? Fuck no fuck no why are you punching him he's doing what he's supposed to be

doing he's supposed to be out there trying to fucking hook up with women all right any bad feelings you have should be towards her but here's the thing dude you know in the long run she did your favor because she didn't love you okay and eventually she could have done that while you had two kids with her, and you actually had to pay her fucking money. She did you a favor. Alright? Yeah, don't ever do that.

That's the dumbest shit ever. When people fucking date somebody, and then they get dumped, and then they're fucking dating somebody else, I mean, and then you go over and you confront the other fucking person, they're outside the circle. You know? So, um, what should you have done? You should just been a fucking gentleman. That's what you should have done. You just be a fucking gentleman and just be like, Hey, you know, evidently, you know, she doesn't want to be with me anymore. I mean, dude, I know, listen, I got dumped. I know how hard this is. I'm on time.

I actually fucking was talking to somebody hard on the table. This woman dumped me out of fucking nowhere and I'm in a bar of course, and I'm talking to a buddy of mine and the problem was he got dumped like four years earlier and he still wasn't over it and he fucking hated women. So this is who I'm pouring my heart out to. And I was like, you know what I mean, I thought everything was going fine, what the fuck, and I did all that shit and he just goes, hey, you know, I don't know,

maybe she wanted to fuck somebody else. And I just said, you know what, I said, you know what, fuck you. I actually flipped out, I was like, fuck you, that has nothing to fucking do with this that has to do with that fucking shit That fucking cunt you dated four fucking years ago You're still not over and I've been having a fucking carry you off the field like Kellan Winslow after that fucking overtime game For laugh out of every fucking bar for the last four years. You can't sit here. He's like dude. I'm sorry say I go fuck off

I just brought up a bad memory I'm sorry, I gotta go fuck off. I just brought up a bad memory. Actually, did I say that? That's probably what I said on the way home. I think I said that on the way home. I think I just said fuck you when I walked out of the bar. That's right. That's what happened.

That's how old I am. I'm so old, my memory is the fantasy. Ha ha ha ha. My memory is what fantasy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha walked out. Anyways, she said, hope you're well, thanks and go fuck yourself. Dude, you took it like a man, what are you going to do? And, you know, keep taking it like a man and keep going home in private and cry it out of you. That's what women do. Fucking, they cry it out of them and then they can move on. The fact that she dumped you and then of course, immediately making out with this guy is really suspect, but you never know with them You never know that could have just she could have just picked that guy

Because you were there you have no fucking idea and here's the thing dude even if she was already banging that fucking douche While I'll make it out with that douche when she was with you then that's the time. That's who you were with So good fucking riddance, all right? That's what you had. You thought, you drafted somebody in the first round that didn't fucking work out, and you know what? That guy just picked up her contract for you, you know? So now you got all this cap space, all right?

Go cry her out of your fucking heart, you know? But don't go around hating women That's what I did big fucking mistake All that does is stop you from eating a fucking sweetheart because you know who loves an angry woman hater a fucking psycho chick All right. There you go. All right Russian girlfriend Hey Billy blue balls. Hey, man. I was waiting and I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I'm a 27 year old from New Zealand,

and current resident, and current, oh Jesus, and currently residing is what you should have said, instead of current residing here. Current resident here, current residing here. Okay, I've met and recently started dating a girl from Russia. We've been officially dating for about five months now. Everything is going great.

Never been happier. Hey, if she ever asks you to take a boat ride, don't get on the fucking boat, all right? And I'm not talking about because of the last thing. All right, that's when you show up, there's a couple other shifty guys there, and then your identity gets stolen and we never see you again. All right, she's hot. best in bed I've ever had, and I've had a lot, ha ha. Got a great personality and someone I could see

going further into the future with. Okay, well, you're writing me, so I know the other shoe's gonna drop. The only issue is that her visa is about to run out in a few months. Oh, before she moves back, unless she can find a decent job here. The only issue with that is the job market over here for the type of work she is after is very small,

a translator. We've been checking the job sites and whatnot over the past month with not much luck. So I've put up the idea of maybe heading over to Russia and trying to start a life over there. Oh no, fuck no. But that's a great way to see if she's with you because she wants to be with you though. My qualification can take me anywhere in the world, but I'm still skeptical on, well, should I just uplift my whole life and move to a country that doesn't really speak much English, apparently, with my girlfriend that I've only known for a few months, plus not knowing much

Russian? Yeah, plus you don't know how that country fucking works. All right? You have no idea how that fucking country works dude. You're talking like you're dealing with the fucking mob. Hang on one second. Alright sorry I just realized I double booked myself. I had to fucking figure something out. Yeah dude you have no idea like what's going on over there like

that's a whole different fucking animal over there That's a whole different government The level of influence that the mob has I mean that shit is fucking hardcore over there. Russia is no joke What the fuck did you say you were coming from? You've going from New Zealand to Russia you give the gardener Eden fuck that dude fuck that Fuck that Fuck that dude, fuck that. Fuck that. Fuck that. Get her a job interview, they'll see how beautiful she is and you know, do what you can fucking do.

Dude, fuck that. Fuck that. Repeat, fuck that. I'm not even reading the rest of this. Fuck that. Do not move from fucking New Zealand to Russia Jesus fucking Christ Do not do that, please don't do that. Okay, I never beg in the podcast, but I'm begging you right now

Do not fucking do that Jesus you can go from the fucking Garden of Eden to the now you're the immigrant now. She's trying to get you a fucking job You know kind of money you're gonna make over there I Got no fucking idea fuck that all right soccer coach rips off shirt after rejection Hey, Billy dad sack That was as original as Billy Bald Eagle was not. All right. Saw this video and thought it might interest you. During a recent soccer game, an Argentinian player accidentally knocks a player out from

the other team and ends up getting ejected from the game as a result. After he gets ejecteded the coach freaks out Yeah, I watched the clip starts yelling at the refs then he gets ejected so When he realizes that he's also ejected he rips his shirt off only to reveal and he's an older guy, too You know I don't know I can't tell all the guys somewhere between 40 and 50 rips his shirt off only to reveal That not only is this dude fucking shredded, but also his whole back is covered in tattoos, making him look like he spends his free time going to bare-knuckle brawling down by the shipyard. Thanks for all the laughs and go

fuck yourself. Yeah, I watched the clip of this. This guy looks like, this guy looks like he's done some time in prison. What's amazing is the rest of his body that you can see, he has no tattoos. And then on the back, it's just like, I don't know what the fuck he's got going on, but his entire back is covered. And it's all of those, you know,

uh, you know, if you touch my family, I will fucking kill you. It's those kinds of tattoos. It's not the, uh, I was in a frat and I got drunk one night and, uh, all right, this is my old girlfriend's name and we fucking turned it into a swan or whatever the fuck they do. This is like hardcore. You know, this guy's going to punch you in the throat. It's a great clip.

I really appreciate it. All right. Let me make sure I did everything here. Uh, Russian girlfriend. Do not stay in New Zealand. Birthday boat party. It's a great clip. I really appreciate it. All right, let me make sure I did everything here Russian girlfriend do not stay in New Zealand Birthday boat party. Yep. You got a lot of cap space good for you making your own baby food Yes, you know, I'll see about that airline bumping a agree to disagree But I like the fact that you went out there and stuck up to the airlines

And I think that's it. He's read all the things right? Oh,, I didn't talk about the F1 race, motherfucker. Did you guys watch it? I know after Nia's just absolutely eviscerated watching racing, I hope if you were going to watch a race, the Spanish Grand Prix was a great one. Lewis Hamilton had the pole, Sebastian Vettel I think was yeah it was in the second position and then Boris Karloff whoever if I keep forgetting his name fucking Lewis Hamilton's driving mate there. His fucking car caught on fire but the first guy the other guy who drives for Ferrari whatever fucking his whatever his name is Ricky Ricardo I can't remember no Daniel Ricardo drives for Force India.

No, he doesn't. He drives for Red Bull. Why don't I just fucking go on and look up the goddamn names? Because most of you guys don't watch this shit, so you don't know. You guys know as much as I fucking know. So here's what happened. All right? The race starts.

And what's his face? Lewis Hamilton as always gets a bad fucking start. Sebastian Vettel goes around him. Vettel drives the Ferraris. Lewis Hamilton's with Mercedes. Vettel is out in front. I don't know how many fucking points he was ahead. He was like 15 points ahead of some shit.

And in the old days, last year when I watched him for a year, the old days, which is the monocle of last year when I started watching, if you went to the turn first, whoever got through the first turn first, in first place, drove in the clean air, that was it, you won the fucking race, unless you messed up a pit stop or you your car shit the bed so he gets out in front and then his buddy there the other Ferrari guy gets knocked out of the race okay and they fucking they cut to this kid in the stands wearing this Ferrari thing where are the drivers why is it so difficult drivers here we go here we go, here we go. I should have had this all ready to go. I'm sorry, I'm like slowing this the fuck down. The Reckonin guy gets knocked right out of the race, and this little fucking kid, they cut to him.

He's wearing all Ferrari gear, and he's just crying his eyes out. And they're sitting there going, well, like, Vettel's still in first place. Well, he must have been a big Reckon in fan, however the fuck you say his name. And they showed him twice, bawling his eyes out. I couldn't believe a kid this little was that into racing. I thought it was really cool. And later on, the driver got knocked out of the race for Ferrari. They actually, they brought the kid in and he took a picture with him and everything.

So it ended up being a good deal. Although he probably cried again when Lewis Hamilton went around him. But anyways, it was a great race from front to back. These new fucking tires, I guess. I have no idea why. They got more grip. There's more passing. Lewis Hamilton passed Sebastian Vettel I think on like lap, like it's like 20 laps to go,

which never happened last year The second place guy just could never get around the first place guy once he was out there I Don't know it was a great race and then Lewis Hamilton for some reason was like fucking out of breath when he was talking because I was saying because they got the fatter tires They could pull more G's and like just physically what the fuck they were going through and Lewis Hamilton didn't have any drinks on board I didn't know they had drinks on board I'd never even dawned on me, but he didn't want to add any more weight to his car

So he lost like four and a half pounds. So there you go You know that actually, you know this people out here in Hollywood that have enough money now that the day before They have to go to like a red carpet event, they're going to fucking drive around in a fucking race car for three hours so they can drop that final fucking four and a half pounds. I'm telling you, it's going to happen. So I believe the next race is in Monaco. I don't know.

I'm enjoying watching it. Nia's got me all self-conscious about talking about it now. I'm going to blame her that I wasn't prepared to talk about it. Was there anything else on my little list here? Those of you nerds always wondered, do you riff the whole thing? Pretty much, pretty much. But I make like a set list of shit I want to talk to if I can fucking find it. Who the hell is it?

I give up. I fucking give up with this shit. What did I have on here? I don't know what that is. We'll close this window. This is the most anticlimactic ending to a podcast ever. All right. I said Predators, Lewis Hamilton, Sebastian Vettel, Daniel Ricardo. First time he was on a podium this year.

Oh, had to give a shout out to Force India, still rocking the fuchsia, whatever color that is. I think that was it. Oh, happy Mother's Day, belated Mother's Day to all the mothers out there. Had a great time, went to brunch. Yep, that's where I am right now. Went to brunch, my parents came out, met their granddaughter, they're over the over the moon loving her. She was so cute and was just, didn't cry at all the whole meal. And then she got in the car and then that was it. She had frigging had it and was just crying up a storm. But we ended up having a great day and I came home and I was like, it was crazy.

I've just finally entered this part of my life. My parents are older. I got a little one. I'm at brunch And I have no say in the matter You know what it feels good I had a great time, you know, we had all kinds of family had a big crew seven or eight people and we went to this fucking insane brunch and everybody threw down and this fucking insane brunch and everybody threw down and had like 3000 calories each. Great conversation, great people. It was just, it was awesome.

All kinds of pictures and that type of shit. And other than the fact I forgot my fucking wallet because I decided to wear a suit and I was going to be the big shot picking up the fucking check and I had to go to my parents. So now, you know, in a few days when I take him to the airport, I got to give him the fucking money back. But oh God, it was embarrassing, really embarrassing.

So anyways, that was my mother's day. Go fuck yourselves. I will check in on you on Thursday and let's go predators. And I don't know. I mean, I got a bunch of friends. You know what, in Pittsburgh, I'm just rooting for extra hockey at this point. I hope both series go seven games. I don't want to be this little fucking cunty gargoyle shitting on the ducks.

I don't want to fucking do that. You know, why do I got to bring up the Predators success and then shit on Canadian fans? You know, all their pocket squares are all soaking wet from them blowing their noses and crying about losing to the Rangers. I don't need to do that. Not to mention I have no bragging rights. My team got fucking bounced out. I'm going to try to go cuntless for the rest of the Stanley Cup playoffs.

How about that? Celtics first the Wiz. Ease on down, ease on down the road tomorrow. Celtics first the Wiz. He's on down. He's on down the road tomorrow My brain says it could go either way, but my heart says there's no fucking way There's no way they come in to the garden. Even though it's not the garden. It's the fleet center at the garden fucking slash whatever fucking Gossett jr. Whatever other fucking tags they have that thing. And I just don't see them doing it.

I feel like you know what it is? The Celtics, they got that sound in their crowd the same way the Yankees old Yankee Stadium had it. You know, knowledgeable fans with a history of success. And they can push your team to fucking win. I think they're going to do it. Oh, by the way Derek Jeter, huh? I missed it. I was at brunch. I missed it. But that's what a fucking class act man He's such a class act. He can go into New York and wing a speech and still kill it

That's it man, they're out of single numbers See if I can do it Billy Martin Martin, number one. Number two, Derek Jeter, number three. Babe Ruth, number four. I always fucked this up. That's Garreg. Five is DiMaggio. And six, I looked up today because that's the one I always forgot, but they said it was Joe Torre, but I thought somebody else had six. 7 is Mickey Mantle, number 8 is fucking Yogi Baron somebody else, 9 is Roger Maris, 10 is Chris Shambless, 11 is Gary Sheffield, I don't know the rest of them, Thurman Munson's 15, who else do I remember? Reggie Jackson they had to to retire. That was 44.

Bo Diaz, what number did he, when he was 30? I don't fucking know. All right, that's it. That's the podcast. I will check in on you Thursday, and God bless all the mothers out there who work with the family back east. All right, I'm done. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hello, hello Thanks for watching!