Monday Morning Podcast - Live at SXSW | the Monday Morning Podcast 3-30-26

Episode Date: March 30, 2026

Bill rambles about novelty bikes, A.I. relationship advice, and animals in the dryer. Recorded in front of a live audience for the SXSW Festival on March 13th at Esther's Follies in Austin, TX.WATCH: https://youtu.be/JznnnXU_qo0Presented by Ship Station ShipStation: Try ShipStation free for sixty days with full access to all features at www.ShipStation.com code: BURRMeUndies: Get to get 20% off your first order, plus free shipping. www.meUndies.com/BURR code: BURRZipRecruiter: Try fro free at www.ZipRecruiter.com/BURRSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Please put your hands together for the host of the Monday morning podcast, Mr. Bill Burr. What's going on? How's it going? Nice to be. Do I walk around the front of the table or behind? This is a nice little strip club here. That's what I'm seeing. The piano here, the old school one. This is old, old horse. Old horse dancing on this fucking stage. Oh, is this like an iconic music venue? You guys all got like, I never know how to read Austin, Texas. You know what I mean? It's like, I know you guys think you're liberal, but you live in Texas, so I think it's a little skewed. You're like, we're the good Texas people. I have a rainbow on the back of my pickup truck, just to let you know that I'm thinking about the queers being dragged to death behind pickup trucks outside of Austin. I don't condone that.

And when it happens, I check in. with my gay friends. That's what liberals love to do when something horrible happens to a marginalized groups. They like to check in. Hey, black person, just checking in. Yeah, that must have been hard to watch.

Bye! I'm on the right side of history. I fucking care. Oh my God. I saw a grip of stupid fucking whores just walking are there no whores in Austin

that's the second time I've said hors I know the sun is still out and you guys are maybe church-going people but there's a reason that word exists okay because there are whores yeah there are they fuck and suck

for money do I need to define this to you no I saw that I don't know what the fuck they were they were they were riding on one of those You know those fucking bicycles where everybody faces each other? Oh, my God. Just a bunch of soccer moms. And they were all singing,

jealousy, what's my fucking life right now? And like fucking walking out to get breakfast. And I was trying so hard not to judge them. You know what I mean? Just to be like, really? Like, that does it for you? It's so stupid. Like, why can't I just?

let 10 women face each other and ride a bicycle down the street singing their favorite song. Why can't I do that? Why do I want to be across the street screaming? How could you be that unexamined? Why am I doing that? I've learned to be like, what am I really frustrated about? I don't fucking know. I'm in a mood today.

I don't know what it is. I was doing so well with my fucking anger. And I went out to breakfast. Oh, fuck you. I'm trying. All right? Sure you have your issues. I like the light there.

That's an ambiance. This feels like a precinct. I didn't know she was a prostitute. I was asking directions, officer. I'm going to commend all of you for never, ever being involved in any way, shape, or form in the sex industry. I feel the way you've pulled back prostitute, horrors, you all like, are those words in the English language? I have no idea what that means. Anyway, so I go out to breakfast

And, you know, it's one of these deals You walk in and the hostess welcomes you And then she seats you sets the table And then also gives you a cup of water And then you're like, all right, no waiter is going to come here For at least 20 minutes If you're doing all of these jobs, They just eliminated five other fucking jobs

Between you being a hostess and coming here And there's some dude on a yacht right now Because he saved the company more money you know are you guys pro CEO do you guys like streamlining businesses

that was so fun for like that week when Luigi killed that CEO and just to see them afraid just to see them like worried

about the future like oh fuck can this whole thing turn around on me wouldn't that be amazing that there could be a bump in their road on the way

to Epstein Island, you know? If you really look at Epstein Island, which I'm really starting to forget because there's a war in Iran right now, and if it isn't on the front page of the paper, all of that just goes away. What was that? What the fuck was that?

What was that somebody's the original cell phone from 1990? What in the fuck was that? All right, this must be Trump's New America. I must have said a word I'm not supposed to say. That was my first warning before ice comes in here. How was ICE not taking those pedophiles to fucking, what is it?

Danger Island, what they call it? Alligator Island? I think Epstein Island, that was really like a fucking, that was like the real world meets like billionaires. You know? Like, what if we took 500 billionaires, gave him their own island? And we saw what happens next. I know it's all

Listen, it's all been redacted Okay, so it's never happened What level of society do you have to get to Where shit gets fucking redacted? That's what I want to know. No, you know what is? I haven't been on tour for about a year and a half And I've even noticed like just how much shit has changed

Like I went into like the fucking hotel gym And there was like two people on their cell phones, on speaker, having business meetings while they worked out. Like I was over by the weights and there was this guy just doing curls. Oh, he had his on, he had his,

he had his earbuds in. And he was just sitting there like doing curls going totally doable. Totally doable. Absolutely doable. Absolutely. I'll be like right on that. No, I can be there. And you know afterwards, like fucking crush my work

out and that fucking Zoom. And I was just thinking, how could you just be so fucking inconsiderate that somebody doesn't want you to listen to that shit? It's just so fucking weird. And the other guy, he had it on, like, speaker, you know? And I wanted to say something, but I'm almost 58, and he was, like, fucking jacked.

You know? You know what's really funny? It's when you watch a lot of those 80s action movies, this feels weird with the table to be standing up. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing up here. Oh, look at this. This is for who. They walk up here.

But da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, they do. See, there you go. Listen, you all start hooting and hollering. All right. You do know what whores are. I love these fucking lights. I want to tell somebody to turn in their badge.

All right, you went too goddamn for. When, you're still sniffing around this case? I've headed up to here with the mayor. I just got over being sick, and now my wife's sick, so she's mad at me. Like, I can control that. Yeah, I was sick. You live with me. That's what happens.

What was I supposed to do? Sleep in the yard? You fucking went out last night until 10 o'clock. How do you know you didn't get it from somebody out there? You don't have to answer. This is just what happens. These questions, they never come in the moment. You're just like, you're just so caught off fucking guard.

And then afterwards, that's when you say them to yourself, right? And then you sit down, and then the waiter starts asking you questions, and then you fucking take it out on him. Fucking guy comes up to the table. He goes, hey, welcome to wherever the fuck I was. He goes, he goes, first time, I'm like, what? He's like, first time I blah, blah, blah. It's like, yeah, what the fuck do you?

I've ordered a breakfast. What is it different? I go, can I get your fucking, your regular breakfast egg scrambled? He goes, you have any allergies? And I just plowed through it. Sourdough toast, do you have any allergies? And I heard what he said both times And I still went, what?

And he goes, allergies, do you have any allergies? And I'm like, no. And he goes, all right, well, I have to ask you. And it's like, what do you? What do you, what I forget? You know? Like, oh my God, that's right. Holy shit, if I have lettuce, I'm going to die.

Oh, my God, thank you. Thank you for fucking reminding me. I almost forgot. Then he left. I'm like, he's going to spit my eggs. And that wasn't his fault. The corporate lawyers are making them say it. I love how you can fucking eat yourself to death in this country,

but you can't get a fucking, you can't take a steam at a hotel that is like higher than like 81 degrees. Because they don't want everybody to have a fucking heart attack in there. We got a steam room? No, you don't. You go in there. It's just some homeless guy through a speaker going, any other country, you take your steam, you come out,

you feel 10 years younger. America, you're just. I don't know, you just feel like humidity. Like you just, you went to New Orleans in July, and you just walk out. Like, that was not enjoyable. They had a little spray bottle up there that's, what's not incubus, that's a band. What's that shit that you put it? Eucalyptus.

Eucalyptus. And now you understand my high school transcript. That's how it all just jumbles. Incubis, eucalyptus, it's, there's eyes and ewes, it's all confusing. Just flunk me. I'll go to summer school with the fucking class clowns. Anyway, it says,

so then I, at least they got eucalyptus and I go up there and I'm like, and it's like empty, just sitting there. I don't know. Here's one for you. You think the four seasons with global warming is going to have to change it

to two seasons? Oh my God, that's somebody's laugh. That's not a... Is that somebody's laugh? Oh my God. I thought that was like... Oh, it's agreement. Oh, all right.

Well, just, okay. All right, I didn't know. Okay, I learned something. I guess I don't have to do duolingo today. Does that count as a lesson? All right. Where is that from? Huh?

You just do that? Until what? Somebody asks what it is? And then I say, it's agreement. And then they go, from where? And then everybody's talking. We found the narcissist. Oh my God.

I'll do my whole show and just bounce it off that person and then send it over this way. Jesus Christ, you're not sorry. You're not sorry. You're not even remote sorry. You don't even know what sorry feels like. You don't feel feelings. You don't.

I feel bad for you. You're a fucking reptile. All right. It's, dude, it's enough. It's enough. It's fucking obnoxious. You know it's obnoxious. You wanted your fucking moment.

Stop saying you're sorry. You're a cunt. You're a cunt. Oh my God, there's nothing worth That's like That's like watching somebody now The people that are walking away from Trump They're like, I didn't know he's gonna be like that

I respect hardcore Trumpers just stay All right, that's your guy, I get it But don't fucking midstream What's the one about that? He was already there four years. You saw how it ended. That fucking food court gone wild On January 6th, whatever the fuck that was?

People died. Like, He didn't shake hands when he lost. He's like the Detroit Pistons of fucking presidents. A couple of old guys get that one. All right. I mean, I knew he. I can't believe he didn't do what he said he was going to do.

He has done that his whole life. His whole life. I've been working his casinos for fucking 30 years. They're always going out of business, and everybody's fucking mad at him. This is not an indictment on conservatism, conservativeism or republic. I'm fucking wrong with it.

fucking guy. That's all I'm saying. No, I know. It's weird. It's weird. They politicized pedophilia. You would think that that would be something everybody could get on board with like, yeah. You know what? I can get behind, not fucking children. Probably not the way I should have said it. But, you know, that's what I'm saying.

I feel that I can reach across the aisle, once again, not the way to say it. All right, so I fucking leave the gym. So my podcast is. I just talk about my day. I just realized I missed my wife. How nice is that? I do. I do. So I leave the, that's what this really is. I'm up, I, I fucking feel feelings now. So I actually miss people when I go out on the roads. When I go to some soulless fucking gym with the homeless steam room, it, it fucking affects me. So I walk out of the gym in the sadness of hearing, like, at first I was upset with that guy

listening to the conference call. And then I was actually getting like a window into this guy's life. And like, this is what has to fill this guy. There's no way he laid in bed as a kid and dreamed someday. I'm going to carry this device around which makes me at work at all times.

And I can't even just go to the gym and fucking listen to my favorite song. I got to talk to these folks. So actually, you know, that's the way I kind of try to stay in my anger, you know. I try to have empathy. Like that poor fucking guy, he doesn't even have time to go to the goddamn gym

and I was like all right yeah okay good for him maybe he'll get out of that he'll start a mom and pop business that Starbucks will crush someday and people will care and there'll be a startup and he can you know make 3,500 bucks to live the rest of his life on

so I go to walk out of the gym and I swear to God I walk out of the gym and there was a woman standing there in workout clothes she had, I swear to God, she had a fucking smartphone with like the ear thing, but it was wired to the phone because we now know that it gives you brain cancer, which they always knew, but there's no reason to prosecute that either. Right? We can just let that go, right? She's got that and she was holding a laptop. She had her own office. She was just standing outside the fucking elevator.

Was that the fallout of the pandemic? You don't even get a cubicle anymore? You just got to like carry your office. Like she should have like a fax machine on her back like a turtle shelf I don't know it's It's fucking sad So whatever I made up with the waiter with my vibe and my tip I think afterwards I made sure I tipped them like I don't know I don't want to be like this people

The fuck is that Oh that's somebody's stereo You know that? getting tinnitus because he never got hugged by his dad a tail is old as time they're literally shaking the fucking car apart like you're making everything in there like a little looser like always

whenever I see those people that go down the street and they have the base like it just always when they go around the corner expect like all the wheels to just fall off on that side oh Jesus Christ like That's another thing. People do that and they ride like a bicycle and they have like a really loud fucking radio. Like what is that?

All right. I guess we have to wait. Like I'm literally, I'm inside. I want to say this place is insulated. I can still hear the fucking stereo. Hey, you. The stereo wasn't that loud. You had a cassette tape. If you like the song,

You had to wait for it to come around. No, that was the A-track. The A-track, you had to wait for it to come back around again. It was fucking torture. And then the cassette tape came out, and that was great. Then you kept rewining it, but then you would fuck it up, and then you had to buy it again. And then they came out with the CD. And the CD they came out with, which was an absolute piece of shit.

And it came out, it was like 1799, which was fucking, I swear to God, like a third of weeks pay for you. And they were so expensive when they were. they came out, they were in like these giant, like the CD was this big, and the case was down here. So if you stuck it down your pants, you'd have to walk out and everybody knew. He's stealing hauling notes. He's stealing hauling notes, right? And these cunts in the record industry, these lying fucking cunts, they said the reason why it was so expensive is because unlike all the other generations, records and tapes and eight tracks, this thing would never, it would sound brand new the entire fucking time. And of course it didn't. They were fucking lying again.

I swear to God, the amount of lying and stealing that is done on the, what would you call it, the legal side of stealing business, you know? Like, they always love to point at other races of people that they've oppressed and talk about their stealing and all of that while they, you know, they justify. Anytime this is for all you youngsters out there, anytime you're in a business meeting and you ask a question and they can't justify it and they say like well that's that's the standard deal that means they're fucking you in the ass or if they say well you know that's how business is done it's like oh yeah is that how it's done for you is that how it works for you after you succeed you then offered less money the next time you come to fucking work i don't think

that's how it works judge him by your car you know when i picture jesus coming back i When I picture him coming back, I don't picture him coming back, saving people. Like, I don't need him to save me. Like, I don't want him. I don't want to be, like, I don't want to be in a group, you know? Like, I don't want to go, I don't want to go to heaven, per se, you know?

Like, that whole grip of women that were on that bicycle going, jealousy, what's my fuck? If they make it too. and I'm going to have to hold my temper for eternity as they're singing that song you know what was it just I think that really irritated me was just the freedom of it

like how not concerned they were about just getting the living shit beat out of them like I just as a man if I did that jealousy if I was on a bike with a bunch of guys and just whooping it up like fucking you know white moms like this there's different rules

for everybody so maybe it was envy I know it's me I know it's not them they were just singing a song on a bicycle built for nine right so so anyway I feel like when Jesus comes back first of all I love that people think that he's going to come back

you know and he's still not upset about what happened the last time I don't feel like he's going to come down here to try to save the good people I kind of feel like he'd come back like, you know, I already tried that once. Didn't work out. I just sort of, I don't know, I'm picturing him coming back like, what's his fucking, oh my God, the guy from The Matrix. No, the actor. Keanu Reeves, thank you.

Thank you. Keanu Reeves. I'm picturing him coming back is more like the Keanu Reeves style where he's just got like these fucking, like, silver pistols. And I don't think he saves the good people. I just think he doesn't kill them. I just think he comes back, you know, with the white doves coming up with like one of those John Wu movies. And he's just jumping sideways in conference rooms at like fucking, like pharmaceutical companies. Corporations with like war contracts, the CIA, fucking who's the guys who poisoned our food supply?

Who are those cooks that nobody knows what their names are, right? A Monsanto, yeah, just comes back, he just fucking shoots all of them, narcissists, you know, just goes out. Like, when it, maybe I don't know, maybe it's not that big, maybe it's just the little people, like one of my favorite narcissists is the spiritual narcissist, the ones who give like self-help advice while it's still totally, like, about themselves, you know, I like them, and then I also like, like, men who think they've figured out women, you know? They give you like, you know,

when you get into a relationship, you got to set the table, you got it from day one, you got to let her know, but beep, it's just like, you're going to try to play the game of manipulation with the woman.

You're going away from your strengths, dude. Like, why don't you, why don't you take some stuff that really matters to you in a relationship and have an arm wrestle? Then I think, I think you get, got a shot, but if you're going to try to outthink that, like, it's not, it's not going to work.

It's not going to work. Like, I've actually found, believe it or not, I've actually found that women are not that complex, you know, but I'm smart enough. I would never tell them that. The same way they have to act like they think you're strong, you have to act like you just, just can't believe, oh, that's like, it's so complex, it isn't. Like, I've just found, like, if you just find, like, if you just, you just, you just feel like, you just nice to him. If you

just be nice, it's really hard unless you're married to a cunt. And then, I'm starting to understand, Austin. Some words are hard for you. But if I laugh at that, does that mean I'm anti-woman? No, there's cunts. Like,

if you described a guy that's a rapist as a rapist, I wouldn't be like, it's just that word. I just... No, if you're raping women, you're a rapist. You guys all pulling back. Like, I just... I think we're seeing, like, the result of people growing up just on camera everywhere you fucking go. Like, I like how that's, like, people solve arguments now.

Like, I see that, like, Instagram or whatever. Try to be off that thing. And, like, people get an argument at, like, a fucking parking lot. And it escalates, and it escalates. And in the middle of it, they both start filming each other for this fucking news channel. They don't own. Like, it's just like, what are you guys? Like, what is the fucking thread here?

And I don't understand what? or the other person just doesn't punch the other person and then just break their phone and then it's over. Like nobody ever thinks to do that. It's like they're holding a gun or something. They're just like, ah, fuck, there goes my black belt and jujitsu.

You're filming me. Anyway, yeah, no. I've said a lot of stupid shit about women over the years, but none of that had to do with anything. It all had to do with my fucking intimacy issues. and I actually wanted to be married and all that type of stuff, but you're not allowed to say that as a guy or else you're gay.

And Austin, you can sit there in your fucking muttering silence right now. All of you moved here because you know that's true. I want to go somewhere that's more understanding. Do you guys... And then you move to Austin, and then what did you see?

Skyscraper Banks, and you're like, it's all the same. I would talk. tell you, you know, when I, I was in, I was in Houston. Club Soda Kenny, everybody. The lovely club soda, Kenny, legend in this business. I take him on tour. We're going overseas to Europe. And I asked me, you've ever been over to Europe? He's like, no. I'm like, all right, so I thought he was going to be like how I was. When I went, you know, first time I went over to Europe, like, I was performing on stage. Like, I was, it was in English-speaking countries. And even then,

like I was on my heels and it was like affecting my shows because it's weird. Like the audience like senses it. Like one of the stupidest things they always say about stand-up is it's always, it's just you, man. And it isn't. It's you and the crowd. And there's this exchange of like energy where they're telling you speed up, slow down, we're bored.

You went too far. I don't like that word. Right? It's like you guys are doing it and I'm, you know, we're connecting. right? So I would be up there and I would be like the first time I did this place Lester Square Theater and I felt it like I was on stage and I was like I was doing some

bit about a squirrel or some shit this is some of my better material I'm gonna show you what American comedy's all about I was doing this bit about squirrels of some shit and like in my head I started thinking like oh fuck do they have squirrels here are there squirrels here

well you're all laughing do you know I didn't know Do they? You just, I said, do they have squirrels? And you go, yeah. And I go, do they? And you go, I feel like they're everywhere. So there's some doubt in there.

They would sense that, right? So that's how I was doing it. So I didn't have, like, the best sets I could have had. Turns out, they do have squirrels. All right? Don't fucking act. Yeah, you guessed, all right? Yeah, you guessed.

Okay, you did do that, all right? You didn't have to phone a friend. I'll give you that. They have like red ones, gingers over there. They have red squirrels. And then some stupid fucking asshole who didn't know how to talk to women

back in the day had to bring American squirrels over there. It'd be like, right, look what I did when I went out there. Will you fuck me now? You know? That's what men do, right?

And he introduced them and they were bigger. You know? Like Americans are. We're bigger. We're fatter. And they beat the fuck out of that fucking English ginger squirrel

and they're going away. And now it's yet another petty reason for those cunts not to like us, which is fucking hilarious. It's really hilarious. Don't ever let an English person shit on America. Whenever they do, they're like,

Roy, what's ruined your country? You started it. That's what's fucking wrong with it. You fucking assholes. Don't walk away from it. You guys, this was your business. You set this thing. You set this whole fucking thing off. That's why

that's why there's black and white people now. Like, you know, and all my non-white friends will always say like, what's up with white people? You don't have any culture. You don't fucking do anything. It's like, well, the culture, any white culture that's nationalistic or whatever, not national, I don't know what the fucking word is. It's over in Europe. There it all is. French cuisine, Italian, all of that shit. It's all over there, the music at all. But you came here, England was running it and you had to let go all of that shit and act like those brown-tooth cunts because then you could work your way up as a white person. Then we lost.

all our language, all of our shit, and now we're just sitting around waiting for Cinco de Mayo. Waiting for a cheesecake factory to open up. Just sup, we don't, we're floating. We don't know what it is. But as a white person, when you go back to the motherland, when you go back to Europe, you feel this phantom limb. Like, why am I vibing? Why is this filling up my soul? It's because those brown-tooth cunts took it away. That's what they did. They did it everywhere. They fucked up India.

India was like leading and everything. Everything from science to fucking drumming, the best drummers, yoga, all of this shit. It all came out of there. And they went there

fucked that whole country up you know, for fucking turmeric. Fuck that whole country up. To this day. And they're like, oh, look at all this. Because you were there.

Because you were there and you fucked it all up. And this is what kills me. This is how fucking, you know, I know we're super racist here. Oh, Jesus, not the throw pillow. I fucking hate these.

It's like a fucking person you don't know is sitting there. They're not adding to the conversation. It's not comfortable. This is for a 4-foot-11 woman with a bad back. Let me just stick these here. Oh, my God. Oh, yes. Oh, that's so better little feet.

You've got to pull it closer to her. And everybody laughs at her. Everybody laughs at her because she's so fucking short, right? And then what does she do? She visits all of your deathbeds because she's only this tall and her heart doesn't have to work. It just has to go,

and the blood goes all the way to your extremities, you know? When was the last time you saw a 7-foot 90-year-old guy? You don't. They're fucking hard. It's fucking working. These little people, these little people, these little baby adults just living amongst us. they're gonna see the calendar turned to fucking

2100 anyway back to the English right so they fuck that whole country up and they take the spices and what's fucking hilarious is you go to England today and the food is still fucking horrible it's still horrible because they're so fucking racist

they couldn't get themselves to ask the Indian people how to use them right I have a white brain I'm not talking to you with your brown brain The only good food in England is Indian food. I swear to God, the rest of it. You want some bangers and mash? No, I don't.

And I don't want beans on toast, you uncreative cunt. Beans on toast? What am I? Living on the prairie? The fuck are we doing here? They put their fish in yesterday's newspaper. In like, literally like the last 10 years. This is a leading nation.

They finally realized that they shouldn't do that because you could literally read the score of your favorite fucking football team backwards on your friend as he's fucking eating the fish. Anyway, what the fuck was my point of all that? I know what the hell I was talking about.

Oh, yeah, don't ever let English people. Anybody else, you know, you can be like, hey, you know, we're pretty fucked up, you know? Canada, Canada's another one. I give them shit, too, you know. They try to act like they're better than us. It's like, no, it was just colder up there so you couldn't do what we did down here.

You did your shit too. I realized, you know what? Recently, I just found out they had to change their Edmonton Eskimos was the name of their team. They had to change it to the Edmonton Elks. That's what I did. And then, of course, there's much of white people up there's like, oh, fucking name sucks.

I like people who do that shit. It's just like, well, the group that you're talking about is saying that they don't like you. the fuck what the fuck they were always fucking called doesn't fucking mean anything um

you know I hate those people because I see like I'm a fucking I'm a meathead too you know what I mean like I it's something I I struggle with

you know that's arguably one of the dumbest things I've ever said well yeah Bill I imagine you struggle with a lot of things you're a fucking meathead um

I'm trying My wife's telling me to fucking dress better So I'm listening to her You know We're wearing sweaters In the middle of the day You know

I think it's right I'm almost 58 I should be wearing sweaters Have a special chair You know Sit there with my legs crossed Have a fucking pipe Be that guy

Simmering with anger Wife out in the kitchen Hands trembling As she makes deviled eggs You know Eisenhower's America Why did he take the heat? He tried to warn us.

Speaking of the heat people, oh, there's a segue, Andrew. You know, my favorite thing to do right now is to watch local news. I don't want to watch the national news because there is no national news anymore. It's just CNN and Fox. You know, there's two guys,

the heads of both of those networks, that fucking Jesus is going to fucking come blow their fucking brains out. It'd be funny when Anderson Cooper's all like, Me too, but I was one of the good ones. Jesus knows your real last name. Oh, you guys, you're with Robert Barron.

Sorry, I didn't know that. Vanderbilt, is that? Why did you act like I just said something anti-Semitic? I was going like, I was going like Robert Barron. Where did you guys go? Is that what you're doing, Austin? You groan and then you don't explain yourselves and I got to fucking figure it out?

All right, be that way. I like your hostile, tie-died, liberalism that you have down here. The fuck was I just talking about Andrew. I was on my way to something. I swear to God I was. I swear to God. Oh, being a fucking meathead. Is that what it was? Oh, the local news. Thank you.

The local news. So my favorite thing to do is when you watch the local news weather report, it's like the meteorologist has a gag report. Like they're not allowed to talk about global warming. You know, if anybody knows what the fuck's coming, they do. And they just got to sit there in January like, Another record high. Swips this this weekend. It's really going to be...

It's going to be dangerously high surfs this weekend. I saw this guy about the Weather Channel, and I was like, that's probably a smart fucking move. Come the future, that's going to be like a fucking real-life Tom Cruise movie every fucking weekend. It's getting dark. Are we almost ready for the advertisement? How far in am I? 35.

See? I can feel it, man. You know, man, you do comedy. long enough, you start to feel time. How many arranged marriages happened on this fucking couch? There's just something about it. It just feels like extra clothes were worn.

They sort of sat like this. So tell me about yourself, sir. Why would you like to fornicate and reproduce with my daughter? Why would you like to make her your property? I don't know. I don't want to start any fights, but I think it's high time we went back to that.

I think we took this women's lib thing a little too fucking far if your ass fucking meat. Anyway, okay, so we got to do some reads here, people. This is how we pay for this beautiful set here. I'm supposed to talk about that green screw there. Am I supposed to do that? You can, you don't have to.

Okay, the ship station. That's the first one, ship station. Oh, that is. I switched it all up. Yeah, start with the music. I'm like that lead singer man that's out of control, man. He's not looking at the set list. He's just going to do what he wants. And then you talk about it behind the music.

And there we were. on the MTV Music Awards. And we were supposed to do unskinny bop. And he started singing, I like your pussy that way. And we were like, what the fuck? You know, you really look back at the 80s. The music was just complete fucking denial.

It was the fallout of Vietnam, fucking Nixon and all of that shit. And everybody, don't need nothing. Everybody just fucking blowing rails. You happy? Yeah. Never stop.

People ODing and they're just writing songs about it. Kickstart my heart is about Nikki 6 OD and they're the happiest songs ever. I listened to that song after I did my first open mic and I drove home, I was so excited that I did it and I'm fucking doing that

and all these years later I found out it was because Nikki almost died. I'm like, these fucking guys are out of their minds. And then what happened? Seattle came around and reminded us that everything sucked.

I wish I was like you. Easily amused. I always hated that line. It's like, fuck you, Kurt. I'm not that fucking shallow. All right, I'm a little easily amused. It was really fucked up. I went to one of those,

I went to, not a tractor pole. I went to those monster truck things. I brought my kids and they had like a great time. And just being like fucking jaded in show business is like, I was at that event for like fucking 10 minutes watching it. And I immediately was like, they're not paying these drivers shit. No, you get fucked over in this business so bad.

You can break down a cost report in your fucking head. Even if you're not in that part of it. It's all fucking show business, right? No? Like Charlie Kirk, that was show business. It was. And I could have told them not to do that act. It's like, dude, I'm not saying, don't say what you got to say, but you got to,

there's got to be a punchline. There's got to be like, hey, what do I know? You got to get something. You got to let, it's got to be a rest area for a, second. You can't, you just can't keep fucking going. I just wanted to give you something to add it out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can't just go and get a microphone and start saying crazy shit. Crazy people. I mean, you live in Austin. I don't need to tell you this. You see these people standing out on the street. All regular people leave. Crazy people like, they start fucking

coming over. And then shit goes down. Anyway, let's get back to the fucking truck story. It's going to be a tough edit, Andrew. You got more than one camera here? All right, okay, cool. All right, so I'm at this thing, and I'm looking at the trucks, and they do these jumps, and they fucking, they're slamming down on the ground.

You have no idea how many times they fuck up the front end or break an axle, and then they got to tow them, they got to have a big, a fucking giant, I don't know what, crane comes out, truck up, something else drags it off. These mechanics have another axle. They're bringing extra axles. They're traveling with extra axles mechanics to fix these fucking things. Oh, and then they got to have a tarp to cover the whole baseball field and they travel with the dirt. It's not a lot of meat left on the bone for the guy driving the grave digger, is all I'm saying.

He's getting a little wild with it tonight. I felt bad. I met like one. By the way, wearing a sweater was a bad idea. Like these fucking lights is really starting. I'm going to look like I'm testifying here in a minute. I talked to one of the drivers after after the race and I was just

going, I go, dude, like how much of that landing does your back take? Because I, you know, the older you get, the more you wince when you see people doing things. Like when I see little kids like fucking jumping up and down, I go, dude, dude, easy. Those knees got a last

you forever there, youngster. So watching a guy like, you know, 20 years younger than me, take a pickup truck and fucking wha-up in the air and just boom and the fucking axle blows out. And the guy was just like, I thought he was going to sort of chuckle about it, didn't he? He goes, well, the truck

takes about 90% of it on a good night. He goes, but you learn that after the first jump every night. He told me a story. He broke his sternum. He said, for nine months, my wife would have to move me out of bed with her fucking foot. Oh, dude. it's fucking brutal.

And then I'm trying to like break the tension. And I just go, hey, I go, well, how tall were you when you started this job? And he goes, I definitely lost a couple of inches. Like he did not come out. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah. So like, the next time you go to one of those events, just no, those guys, they're like NFL running backs. What they're doing to their bodies there.

Oh, I was going to tell you was in the middle of the fucking show is, you know, when they were fixing the trucks, you know. They kept cutting. They had one of those stupid robot dogs. And it was rolling over and having its robot feet in the air and everything. And I was looking at all the people, like looking at the monitor, watching it all going, oh, like fucking laughing. And I'm like, dude, that's not a real dog. It doesn't feel feelings.

It's not going to be happy when you come home. It's not going to feel any sense of loyalty. That thing's going to do, like, whatever the nerd, the nerd, on the other side of it tells it to do. So if he punched in right now, instead of roll over and fucking wag you have robot legs in the air, to make, you know, fat people feel something. I really feel how out of shape Texas is

with every fat joke that is bombed here. Oh, fuck, I just did Houston. This is the first time I never did. I did this joke every fucking time I went there. Houston at one point, I swear to God, this is true. They won fattest city in the United States back to back, which is practically impossible to use because every year you lose your best players.

And you don't lose them to free agency. They, when nobody has ever gone back to back, they fucking did it. They fucking did it, you know? What do they talk about? The Astrodome, the eighth one of the world. Well, give me up. There's other things that are happening here.

All right, sorry. All my references, dude, I'm really feeling old. The Astrodome. Like, that's, that's, it's not there anymore, is it? Or is it? Oh, it's still there. All right. Yeah, but they're at the other place.

With the chew-choo train. You know, as more rights, they take away, the more silly things they added ballparks. It's got a choo-choo-train when they don't run, and then... My team, the Patriots, they have a lighthouse. It's like we're by the ocean. Now, when I was younger, that type of shit was called gay.

And it was an accurate portrayal of what it was. And I know that it offended gay people, so you can't say anymore. So what do you say now? Lame? That's not enough. Go further. You're going to be like my non-homophobic thesaurus here. I can't say gay, so it's lame.

So go further. Just feel your feelings. Don't be afraid to say it. It just goes, it is gay. There's nothing you can say. It is. Well, so were the 1890s, sir. So were the 1890s.

The 1890s were the gay 90s, and it just meant really fucking happy. And you know white people came up with that. Because during the gay 90s was also the insurrection of 1892 in Wilmington, which was not a gay event on any way, shape, or form. Sorry. All right, everybody, it's time for the advertising.

Oh, my God, Andrew. I need my glasses. I got to have my glasses. God damn it. Where's my bag? Jesus Christ. What would you do if, like, I just started just being belligerent to him? And then years later, they did the behind the scenes, like they're doing with Tyra Banks.

Have you seen the Tyra Banks? Oh, my God. No. Glasses. There you go. Andrew Themillis, everybody. The brains. The brains behind.

This is like when I go to life. I don't recall that day that you're questioning. I mean, I'm sure if she said that's what happened, I imagine there was some sort of interaction, but I don't... I don't recall. All right.

Okay, Ship Station, this is the big green thing. And this is, when I get done reading this copy, this is going to make sense. The green thing. These guys are the fucking money. The reason why we're in this old titty bar right now is because of a ship station, which I think is apropos

because everybody knows that those guys join the Navy, not to serve their country. It's to fuck whores around the world. We all know this. And to help spread super gonorrhea. This podcast is brought to you by Supergonorrhea. No. All right.

Well, this light is not working. Ship Station, everybody. We're here live at South by Southwest in Austin, Texas. I got to get the light here. Yay. Texas, home of our sponsor, Stevie Ray Vaughn, right? Home of our sponsor, Ship Station. When your company is growing fast,

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If your dick's big enough and you can fuck this, you get a free plate of waffles. Come on. We'll be right back. Who does that? Who's that? We'll be right back. Adam Ray, my favorite. Adam Ray. We'll be right back. All right. Meandis, everybody. Oh shit, meundis. All right. Oh, I got to do the song.

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at the right time. All right. That was a fictitious relationship, okay? A woman did get slapped in that scenario, but it was no more realer than that roper. butt dog. All right. This is one of the most

liberal crowds I've ever been in front of you. Do you guys are... I don't know. Maybe I just got old in the last fucking... I was off the road for a year. I'm telling you. This is like music. You gotta be in there, man. Next thing you know, you're playing disco. All right.

Do a little dance. Slap a fucking bitch. Get down tonight. All right. Your underwear is either working for you or against you. Mine was definitely working against me. Look at them. Put in words in my mouth. It was my freckled sack at the most

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put it in that ball washer and they're going to fucking twist down and come back up. That's going to be like an Instagram hack. Do you have an enlarged prostate? Stick your nuts in a ball washer. I can't believe. Then I tried me on these ball caddy boxer briefs.

They have a contoured pouch. This is like the push-up, bro, for you nuts. They have a contoured pouch that keeps everything in place. Are people's balls flying around like that? I don't know. No squishing. I mean, I don't think about my balls until somebody kicks them or licks them.

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This... Do they even pre-fruth? I mean, there's no way. There's no way to write copy about ball bags and not have it be hilarious. All right. All right. Honestly, okay, no bad wing of this fabric bills.

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it's old zip recruiter. All right, right now, I'd like to give out a shout-out to all those people whose job it is to hire. This is when they do that shit, you know, support the troops, you know, all the real heroes out there, people out there hiring people. Instead of flying a fighter jet, it's just like a Cessna. I'm sorry.

All right, let's start over again. Okay. ZipRecrued, everybody. Right now, I'd like to give a shout out to all those people whose job it is to hire. From small business owners growing their team to HR directors, hiring under hundreds across the nation. You have one of the toughest jobs there is.

You know, there's ball washing, and then there is ball. Do you work in HR? Oh, my God, bro. Thank you for your service. I mean, Jesus Christ. I can't imagine the training. What was the training? You watched a baby without its mother,

drop its pacifier and cry for four hours, and you did nothing about it? Sorry, that was supposed to be a joke about how they don't give a fuck about people. Don't you be caring about that baby? Don't you care about that baby? You care about that baby. You ain't getting hired, motherfucker.

All right. How come nobody here down here talks like that. Why don't you guys lassoing shit? I mean, you're in Texas. East Texas? East Texas? Not West? Not like fucking Huh? Oh, oh, it's one of the... Everywhere you go.

Everybody you go. Everybody thinks they live in the better part of the place they live. Oh, that's over there. Not here. Here's where it's at. Because I'm here. All right, I'll go with that. East Texas. Why am I'm going to go to fucking East Texas? You know, I've only seen two people on a horse since I got here. And they were both cops, so that doesn't count.

And they weren't chasing anybody. Dude, what are they going to do on that fucking horse? I mean, they're going to kill people. This is a foot traffic city. You can't just start chasing somebody on a fucking horse. Moms with baby carriage pulling it out of the way. Jumping over a family of five like a steeple. I think that falls up.

their police presence. We've got a couple of people that are way up there and they seem like they have authority. All right. ZipRecruiter's not going to like this.

Let's start over again. All right. ZipRecruiter, right now, I'd like to give a shout out to all of those people whose job it is to hire. You know, from the small business owners growing their team

to those HR directors. The heroes of this country hiring hundreds across the nation. You have one of the toughest jobs there is. I don't even need my glasses. My patriotism. It's going to get me through talking about all these heroes in HR. I think Bruce Springsteen is this close to writing a fucking song.

And you're working in HR and doing the job. And everybody's out drinking fucking. He's from New Jersey. I don't know if you knew that. You have one of the toughest jobs there is. But what if I were to tell you there's something that can make your whole hiring process faster and easier? It's zip. Yes, and right now you can try it for free

at ziprecruiter.com slash spur. Zip, zip, zip up, bit, bop. It's trusted by millions of people, so you don't have to worry. That's when they drive by. Has helped making hiring. I'm going to do the Iron Maiden Devil one next, just to let you know.

Has helped make hiring faster and easier for businesses of all sizes. In fact, over 4.8 million. businesses have come to Zip for their hiring needs. If you play it backwards, it says worship the devil. Hiring heroes, let ZipRecruiter help you make your job easier. Four to five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

See for yourself. Go to this exclusive web address to try Zip for free. That's falling to their death, ZipRecruiter. ZipRecruiter.com slash bro. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com slash burr, B-U-R-R-R. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. All right, there we go. Now, we are on to your, oh, my God, look how fucking long these are, Andrew. Huh?

Oh, the font is big font. Yeah, so you can read it. Oh, all right. Oh, they gave me the big font. All right, Jesus Christ, Andrew. All right. Well, how much time have I done? This sweater is really getting to me. An hour or night.

All right. Well, I'm contractually obligated to do an hour. I'll fucking see you guy. No, I'm kidding. I just went straight union worker on you. Fuck off, man. There was supposed to be two people up here. One to watch me do the podcast,

and me to do the fucking thing. Oh. All right. Here we go. The first person. AI told my girlfriend she was toxic. In what fucking world? And what, why does this even happen?

I don't understand the world. You know, Tommy Lee Jones and fucking no country for old men? That's what I feel like now. You know, when he tries to, like, wrap his head around the evil of the world, I'm not a lawman. I'm just a podcaster. It sounds like, you know, the end of my career when I'm just doing testimonials. Hey, I'm not a lawman.

Hi, I'm Bill Burr, I'm not a lawman, but I'm a podcaster, and I'm here to tell you, I have this aches and pains in my joints. Oh, Jesus Christ. See, that cop fell off his horse. You're not supposed to ride a horse in the street, right? Like they invented horses before they invented streets, didn't they? Like asphalt? All right, AI told my girlfriend she was toxic.

Billy of the 21st century, I'm a bit old school. I still use CDs in the car, and I've never used a flashlight to jerk off. For starters, my girlfriend. is awesome. Wait, you're fucking old school. You listen to the CDs, but you asked AI if your girlfriend was toxic? Like, I don't get this guy. It's like he's churning butter and he's Buck Rogers all at the same fucking time. For starters, my girlfriend is awesome. Oh, Jesus. In other words, she's standing here as I'm writing this. It's spelled A-W-E. She's really talented and smart. I'm sensing a hostage situation

and I have no complaints but like all couples we have disagreements oh she had to go to the bathroom okay here comes to real story backstory she thinks AI is going to be great for certain things and while she has some good points i.e. diagnosing medical charts

and other things that would remove human error blah blah it's not going to remove human error because human beings are going to be behind what they look at and the medical, it's all fucking corrupt. They came up with synthetic heroin and they're going to be the ones using AI and then you're trusting that...

Okay, I'll go with that. Sure, that'll be great and all, but overall, I get sick of hearing the term AI. So, we're having a friendly argument over something small, nothing heated, but it was a week-long, disagreement. That sounds pretty fucking heated. Maybe they just were smiling. Fuck you too, you know, for the whole week. I don't agree with that. All right. So I say to this fucking broad.

No, so I say to her, let's let AI settle it. Ooh, that's a fucking cool move. She kind of looked at me like, well, how are we going to do that? She was also, I bet her fucking asshole puckered up because she knows that she can't argue with what AI said. because she's endorsed it. That was a fucking... You ever watch two nerds playing chess and you pretend you know what's going on? And then somebody does something

and then the other guy just fucking shakes his hand and leaves and you're like, what the fuck just happened? Because they can see 20 moves ahead. I think that that's what she just did there. So I input everything about our disagreement. She agreed to the wording I use and then I hit the enter key and let the enemy of Mother Nature do its thing.

Dude, this is amazing. Bill, after I saw what it said, I'm thinking I might have been wrong about AI. Because it went hard in the paint for me. It was fucking throwing elbows, hitting the outlet pass. Even I was like, damn, dude, take it easy.

That's my girlfriend you're talking about. Dude. So I'm reading it and I'm laughing because it's like I'm having a ruthless attorney do all the grudely. for me. But the kicker is this. By the end of the response, it's telling me that she's showing signs of toxicity and that I should consider ending the relationship if counseling doesn't work. Is this thing any way, shape, or form attached to a therapy app and it's just trying to drum up

business? That's the only thing I'm thinking, dude, that is fucking wild. Insane stuff. To think people will actually make life decisions because of these stupid fake robots. anyways did he just bail I'm probably going to propose soon and everything is great thanks for the laugh love the podcast there's no fucking way

that's real do you know what the worst thing is I get that I get it you know what that's like in show business like if your agent does something fucked up and people go like you should fucking fire him and it's like and do what

get another agent that they're all the fucking same. I'm going to get a call on Monday. Hey, when you said that, you weren't talking about me. You know you have a couple of agents. You weren't talking about me, were you? All right. All right, shitbirds.

We've been talking about birds, your top five birds, that you just don't like. For whatever fucking stupid reason, you don't like it. And I know you guys are all outdoorsmen out here, you know? I know none of you go to the grocery store. you harvest your own meat in the morning, right? You go out and the chicken scatter because they can sense one of them's going down.

Two of them are not laying eggs anymore. Who's going in that pot? And you bring your kid out who named that chicken that you're going to kill. And you realize it's time to make that little boy a man. All right, shit birds. I never thought I would be in a part of Texas that would have empathy

for walking out killing a chicken that doesn't lay eggs anymore. You guys really are weird. It's a good thing. No, it's nice. I get it. All right, shitbirds. Hey, Billy, regular balls. I assume everything checks out down there. Longtime lady listener. I love when the lady's write in. All right. I got a bird story for the books.

Lovebirds are assholes. Despite the name, there's nothing there to love. I don't know who named this species. I don't even know what these are. Where are these things at? A small bird that you can domesticate, I guess. A small bird that you can own? Yeah, like a parrot type shit. Oh, they quit.

The sellouts. Yeah. Like parakeets. Yeah. Vacation. Yeah. Like, nobody has a fucking raven for a pet. They don't need it.

Yeah. If you get a raven and you think that, they make you the pet, don't they? They, like, hold grudges and shit. Yeah, fuck all of that. There's a poem about that. There's probably somebody on the internet has a raven for a pet. Like, you wake up with a fucking raven.

in your room. Like, tell me you never saw the omen without telling me you never saw the fucking omen. Like, why would you do that? Why don't you just fucking have Jason Vorhees in there, you dumb fuck? All right, my mom thought the bird would be a neat pet after all the fish

we flushed. There is no more of a loveless pet than a fucking fish. Even a kid can't cry if it's fish dies. You don't give a fuck. You just take it, you got like that, it's slimy, it smells. You never loved it, it never loved you. You were just, you were just a psychedelic trip that just walked by, right?

First chicken, now fucking goldfish. I don't know, all right. I'm fucking bombing now, Andrew. Let me get this fucking back. Okay, so we named this little bastard Sunshine. Perhaps in the hopes that he would someday live up to that name and stop being a little piece of squawking shit. this is such human behavior I took a bird that squawked

and then I brought it in my house and it continued to squawk so therefore it's now a squawking piece of shit I learned to blink almost constantly near him as to not be seen as a predator I did homework he would make nests in our hair

perfect bowls dude you I'm not reading this I am not is it worth it you want me to spoil the ending No, I'll fucking read it, but I don't have like, if you see these, people get like fucking raccoons as pets.

Yeah. Okay, and they're fucking sitting on the couch, like sharing a box, like a bag of Doritos with them. And it's just like, if that mauls you to death, I don't have. Yeah. Yeah, no empathy. Right?

Okay, all right. Okay, so where would we? They're building a nest in their fucking hair. Okay. We would build nests. Where the hell was I? He did homework. He would make nests in our hair.

Perfect bowls. and then he would shit in that nest and fly away. No left turn so far. The coward wouldn't even face you after, which made it personal for my kid. Maybe he's shit in your hair because he wants to go outside. Which made it personal for me as a kid, maybe 10 years old. The amount of shampoo my mom was buying was ridiculous.

Karma got this feathery little fuck. Here comes the left term. He was always so macho when it came to other birds' males. he ate through the bread ties, the ones that have the thin metal wire on them inside. Again, my mom used to keep this to latch the thing shut, but this time he did it while we were at school and she was at work. We all saw the bird in the cage as we left. Zero doubt. Sunshine went to the bathroom where there was a big mirror and he must have saw the other male in his own reflection. We assume he attacked and knocked himself either unconscious or dead.

He fell into the laundry hamper, hard enough that the clothes covered him. We thought he was hiding somewhere being a dick. I love like he became like that fucking teenager. You can't control in the house. So no one checked up on him. We didn't notice until we switched the load over from the washer to the dryer and found his body. Fuck this bird!

We washed that son of a bitch. and I was missing and feathers were everywhere. We threw the entire load of laundry away. Not going to trust a sock after that. It keeps going. What is it? Mom and my siblings were sobbing, but I was grinning from ear to ear.

The sun was finally shining with his ass out of our hair. He's in hell with whoever's name. named, whoever named his species. Thanks for all the laughs you've given me. Please bring Nia on again. Soon as been too long. Best wishes and all the love to you and your family. Go fuck yourself. All right. I judge that too soon.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I get dogs because we took the part of them like that they could survive, the wolf part out. So they need us now. Right? But I wouldn't even have a cat as a pet. It's like, you know what you're doing?

get out of here get all of your life what am I fucking opening cans for you for you can go out and go kill something you play with your food out there cats are fucking I've really grown to

like I would never have a cat but just watching them when a snake or something tries to fuck with them and they can get in their kitchen the cat is like right fucking there and it's just not even worried and the snake goes to lunge

and they're able to fucking jump back and fucking wham it's like like how's how cats. It's just fucking unbelievable to me. Like, how that people have them as pets. You know, like, if you die alone, if you're

a cat lady? Yeah, they eat your face. And I want all of you guys to think of that as I go to read this next thing. All right, this is, Marcy, this is the last one? This two more. This next one came, this next one, full disclosure, came six months between the last one.

So there's similar stories, but they're completely different people and they came six months. Andrew, is this a theme? Andrew, coming up. with a theme here. All right, iguanas, everybody. Do you guys have any overly sensitive feelings about these? Like, I feel like, because you guys are such animal lovers, like everything was going great. And then that's, oh my God, the fucking parakeet.

The fucking, what was he? Oh, no, no, but you did like the psycho chick, right? All right, iguana. Am I bad, am I a bad guy here? Hey, Billy Freckles or Andrew, whoever reads this shit. It is Andrew, and then I read it. Love the podcast. Longtime listener, first time email. I need your wisdom on this ridiculous event. So my neighbor has a pet iguana. I don't get it. I don't get why people have reptiles as pet.

It's like you already work for a corporation. Isn't that enough? You want to come home to that? Same look on their face? Non-feeling. All right. So my neighbor has a pet iguana. Totally legal.

That's what he says. I didn't know it wasn't. And even if it wasn't, I wouldn't care as long as he wasn't abusing the thing. The problem is this thing gets out. of his yard and occasionally comes over onto our lawn. Dude, it's going to get killed, right? Something's going to kill it, right?

I would think so, which I really, at least a landscaper with a fucking lawnmower, which I really don't have a problem with. I've seen enough birds in my time and seeing a lizard is kind of refreshing. I let him know, hey man, your lizard is my yard. What? You may say in my yard, yeah. Hey man, your lizard is in my yard. Oh, well, he wrote, hey man, your lizard is my yard.

See, I want to let you guys know. It's not always me. Hey, man, your lizard is in my yard. No issue, just wanted to let you know. Okay. Last week, the thing somehow crawled into my dryer vent. I think it climbed, well, probably wanted heat. Right? It's a reptile. I'm just grabbing for straws here.

Maybe it was using again, and it was ashamed. Didn't want to see its owner. And that's like skid row for a lizard, you know, hangs in the dryer, with all the dust balls and all... It's fucking hitting the pipe, fucking eyes even more fucking looking around. Not the old fucking crack addicted iguana.

How many times do you've seen this? Anyways, I didn't notice it. Oh, Jesus Christ. I think it climbed on top of my grill and made its way in. I didn't notice until I went to do the laundry, turned it on, and it suddenly sounded like a mariachi band

was trapped in there. I love animals, but this is funny. I opened it up and the iguana shot out like a scaly torpedo. Luckily, wasn't in there. Dude, his fucking blood temperature probably shot through the fucking roof. Like, hey! I'm feeling a little bit chilly. Think I'll go in there?

That's fucking amazing. Why didn't you take a picture of this? This is fucking fantastic. Come on, he didn't die. This is like watching a human fall off a bicycle. It's funny. Come on, he can still talk. I opened it up and the iguana shot out

like a scaly torpedo. Luckily, wasn't in their lungs so it didn't have a chance to heat up. Just a couple of tumbles. Dude, I had friends of mine. They used to put their cat in a pillowcase and they'd swing them around like that. You could do this in the 70s.

There was no one there to document it. Yeah, they used to torture their cat. They would put it in the dryer. They would do experiments to see how they could get it to not, like, fucking land on its feet. They would like tie up its fucking tail to its back and like second floor.

They would drop it out. It's fucking, I didn't see it happen. So it's funny to hear about it. I'm just doing this because I know you like animals. All right. Sorry. He's only in there for a couple of tumbles. Rated PG.

Abuse of an iguana. I'm thinking, thank God I wasn't washing sneakers, though that racket would have sounded normal and I wouldn't have checked. Good point. Our dryer is old, but heats up a lot. Routinely shrinks clothes. It might have killed it. I know lizards like heat, but this

might have been a little well done by the end of it. We got the neighbor to come by and get the scared thing out of here. To come for the guy, my girlfriend said that we'll put his screen over the vent so he couldn't do it again. I know she's being nice, but do I really have to lizard-proof my house now?

I say if you own a lizard the size of a dock sound, you've got to be the first and last stop to making sure it doesn't wander into the 20th century. What do you say, Bill? I mean, I think it all depends on how much you give a fuck about that iguana. You know, I will say you need to talk to your girlfriend, if it's speaking out of turn, saying we'll put a screen up. You know, she's speaking for your time there. That's when you've got to be like, what the shut the fuck up and walk to the car. Watching March Madness.

I'm not putting up a fucking iguana screen. All right, the last time. All right, last one here. Thank you, by everybody, for coming out. I really appreciate it. And for listening to the podcast and all that. All right. This is a good time.

The time I almost flew an airplane. Oh, shit. All right. Dear Billy Burley. In case you couldn't figure it out from the subject line, this is the completely and totally true tale of when I accidentally flew a plane. Back in 2010, I did a college semester,

hiccups, with National Outdoor Leadership School in Western Australia. All right, now it tracks. At first, I was like, how the fuck could anybody get into that position? And then you're like, I was in Australia. All right, I get it. Totally understand it.

If you don't, go to Australia during Australia. your day, I recommend Perth. And then you will totally understand how somebody could end up in this situation. It was a three-month backcountry expedition, Altrax, consisting of a 110-mile

canoe trip down the Drysdale River, then a 90-mile or so hike to a cattle station where we would then be picked up by an all-terrain bus. Oh my dude, the most poisonous reptiles in the fucking world live in their badlands all in the middle.

This is the level of balls. This is like such a white person thing to do. Just like, you know, your whole house smells like a candle store. It's just too fucking tranquil. You just have to go out and find fucking danger. I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to go walk amongst Thai pants. You know, I thought you guys wanted to be a little more worldly.

All right, it was a three-month backcountry expedition consisting of a 110-mile canoe trip. I already did all that part. on the bus somehow I managed to while on this bus trip I somehow managed to ball tap myself with my dick but that's a different story yeah yeah it is it is

and it's for a different podcast I already did the meyundies read I don't need this and driven to the coast where we lived with Aborigines of the Barty tribe for three weeks dude are you like running from the law what is this but first we had to get to the fucking river so after a day's prep and

packing, we head to the Brome Airport and loaded up a flock of six-seater airplanes. Somehow, I ended up being the co-pilot seat when one of these planes were about to take off. Being an adventurous college kid, I was psyched to be in the co-pilot seat. However, I quickly noticed how old this particular bird was. She had a pair of push-button cigarette lighters in the dash and ashtray and fucking duct tape. It wasn't speed tape, wrapped around the strut connection to the the wing. Yeah, I'm going to say the FAA is probably not out in this part of the world checking up on these fucking planes. That's like in fucking Australia. They just fly those helicopters like cowboys crashing them all the fucking times. They're out of their minds.

You're supposed to bring them in every 50 hours. We're all right. Fuck that, mate. They heard cattle with them. Just fucking yanking the guts out of them. That's a tip for you. Do you never buy a used helicopter from New Zealand. You have a better chance with a jaguar. The first 30 minutes or so, we're pretty standard. Flying besides realizing I'm in an almost antique airplane. Once we pass the last bit of civilization, I'll see for months the pilot takes out this clipboard

and started checking off the flight checklist, which personally, I feel should have been done before we're in the air, but just my thought, though. Maybe it's some sort of in-flight check once you get... I don't know. That's scary. Oh, my God. While he's alive, he's writing this.

There's no reason to be nervous, okay? While he's doing this, not paying attention to the controls or the gauges or anything else besides the checklist, while the plane decides to nosedive towards planet Earth while the pilot was otherwise distracted. Bill, my bald-headed brethren. This little ass plane felt like it went up in just a bit, and then it took a nose dive, and it pointed at the fucking ground.

I've seen a few movies and reacted without thought. I grabbed the controls and pulled the fuck up. Did it work? I have no idea. I know you do something else with your feet. I don't fly planes. The pilot reacted in a similar fashion, throwing the clipboard aside and grabbing the control.

Well, the plane leveled out in a few terrifying seconds, and we started climbing back to our cruising elevation. Just as I was about to apologize for touching the controls or fucking anything up, the pilot looks at me and goes, oy, thanks, mate. And that's the true story when I accidentally flew a plane. Thanks and go fuck yourself, you cunt.

Jesus Christ. Before I wrap it up, there is a fucking... There's a video that scared the fucking shit out of me. Like I said, I don't fly planes. I fly helicopters. So how the physics works, if something's turning this way, it wants to turn you the other way. So what happens is if the main rotor turns clockwise, it wants to turn you counterclockwise. And that's what the tail rotor is for.

It just, it changes your attack. It bites in so it keeps your nose forward. So I guess with the prop plane, it's the same thing. If this thing's turning, it wants to turn. the fucking plane, but whatever you're doing with your feet stops from doing it. So this student pilot was coming in for a fucking landing, and for one second, they didn't do it. They were like coming into the runway, and you're like on the camera behind them, and the fucking plane just did like a 360 spin before he stopped.

He was like flying going like this. Some plane goes, like that, and he just goes, whoa. And plane pilots always take. tell me, like what Fixed Wing always tell me that that shit is safer. And I understand what they're saying, but whenever I see that, I go like, I don't know, man. It seems like, you know, you got a little sciatic nerve and your fucking footfalls asleep. I mean, if that happened at night, you know, you don't have an instrument rating, there's no moon. You don't even know you fuck, whatever.

It's fucking scary shit. All right, let's not get into the nerd shit about this. All right, before I get out of here, people, this was fucking amazing. I want to thank all you guys for coming out here. I really had a great time. And if you enjoyed this, Andrew, we're going to start doing these a little more often. That got a lot out of this.

I hope you guys had a great time. Thanks to everybody here at South by Southwest. Thank you to Shipahoy, Green Guy, whatever the fuck these dudes are. I got the Ship Station for financing most of this stuff. I really appreciate it. And thank you to Austin for always being an awesome comedy town. And thank you for all you guys listening to my dumb jokes.

Thank you so much. I'll see you next time. Thank you.