Monday Morning Podcast - Logos, Blinking Robots, A.I. Scam | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-23-26

Episode Date: April 24, 2026

Bill rambles about team logos, blinking robots, and the A.I. Scam.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(35:54) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 4-23-18 - Bill rambles about the common cold, a 14 yr old's dream, and being a navy seal in Australia.Thursday Afternoon Interlude: John Mayer - New Deep (As/Is Volume 4)Hims:  Online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more at http://www.Hims.com/BURRHelix: Go to http://www.HelixSleep.com/BURR for 20% off site wideSquarespace: Better plants and better growing at http://www.FastGrowingTrees.com and use code BURR at checkoutFast Growing Trees: Better plants and better growing at http://www.FastGrowingTrees.com and use the code BURR at checkout Ship Station: Try it free for 60 days at http://www.ShipStation /com/BURRSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Woo. What's going on, man? How's it going? Oh, geez, Louise. I went over to Jimmy Kimmel yesterday. I wasn't on the show, but a friend of mine, Frankie Perez, who has a new album out, was, uh, was on there. He sat in with the band and he absolutely killed it. So congratulations to him. And I want to thank Jimmy Kimmel for getting him on. Announced his album twice on the show. It was fucking awesome. And he killed it. And then I hung out afterward and just had a fucking great time. Having a good week, man. Bruins won game two. Should have won game one. Jesus Christ. We weren't so young. If we knew how to like close out a team, we even did it in game two. We're up four to nothing. You got 13 minutes to go.

Just fucking, you know, let them do all their dumb shit and just get the fuck out of there. Nope. Not us. It's kind of funny. Like, there's not a penalty we won't fucking take. I don't know. It reminds me of, uh, reminds me of the Bruins back in the 80s when we used to always get involved in all of this physical stuff. with these fucking teams and then in the end we would lose until we finally beat the fucking

Canadians in like 87 but we would always get drawn into the fights and get involved in all of this shit and but um I got to tell you you know um either the Bruins are way better than people said or I don't know I mean I like the sabres and everything like that but I don't feel like you know the way they were hyping this series up like these guys were just going to fucking kill us. They seem really like, you know, they're a young team too. I don't know. Whatever the fuck we're doing is not what the Canadians in Tampa Bay Lightning are doing.

Jesus Christ. Flying all over the fucking ice. That series isn't. That's the best first round series is I never pay attention to the West. I don't know what's going on. I know Edmonton won the first game against the Ducks, but that's about it. But that Edmonton, Tampa Bay series is fucking. bananas. Bananas, like the level of hockey that everybody seems to be playing.

Anyway, and the Bruins and Sabres game two, we had like an old school fucking, Jesus Christ with the construction. Everybody's doing construction in the neighborhood. The fucking, the Sabres Bruin series looks like one of those old Adams Division playoff games. Like I remember when, uh, I went to NC State for like a year, and I was down to North Carolina in 87, 88. So it was like April of 88. And in the first round of the playoffs,

the Bruins were playing the Sabres, and the game was not on TV in North Carolina. So I had to, I fucking put on ESPN, and I'm just sitting there looking at the highlights, and I'm seeing, like, fucking Neely Byers and Jay Miller are in the fucking, like, standing room only in the penalty box and I'm like, fuck. You know, that's when we played in the garden.

They played in the yard. Oh, my God. Those were the fucking days. Anyway, so congratulations to the Bruins. This will probably go seven. I think it's just going to go back and forth. I think these are two young teams pointed in the right direction. But, you know, we're doing young team stuff.

but I still, you know, I still am really enjoying, like compared to, you know, last year was obviously, that was a tough year to be a bronze fan. So this year, I'm happy with whatever. So anyway, I went up like last night, I was sort of wired. I couldn't go to sleep and I was, you know, I've been paying attention to that Flyers Penguin series, which is sucked. You know, that's usually a great fucking back and forth, but penguins aren't ready yet, evidently. Fliers are up three games to none. So I started looking, I just said, why the fuck did they call them the flyers? Like, what is that?

And I guess they had a contest, and that was the name they picked. It sounded cool. It sounded like how the game is fast, flying up and down the ice or whatever. So that's what they went with. And I also never understood their logo. I never knew that that was like a P sort of angled, like doing that much. Michael Jackson thing from that video. And then like, that's sort of the vapors coming off the back.

Had no idea. And then that was it. I was up till one in the morning looking up all sports logos, how they came up with them. So many of them back in the day were just a contest. And somebody figured it out. Like the New England Patriots back in the day, Pat Patriots. Somebody fucking drew that and sent it in. And they were like, yeah, that's what we're using.

I went everyone from like the New England Patriots to the Quebec Nordiques. And the Nordiques, I never understood it. I thought that was like a fucking, I know it was a hockey stick with like a red rainbow next to it. I never looked, oh, that's an N for Nordiques, you stupid bastard. And then I was like, well, what does Nordiques mean? And it's Northerners. It's a French word for northerners or something like that. This is what I did.

Until like fucking. one in the morning. And I just kept going like, I have to go to bed. I have to go to bed. But how can you go to bed when you're on something that is just so fucking mindless and fun? That whole fucking that Vancouver Canucks jersey? You know that was supposed to be a V? That absolutely hideous uniform that is like literally so bad, it's actually good now. And as bad as the black ones were, the fucking the other ones, their home ones, whatever the hell they were, back in the day, you wore the dark jerseys on the road. The lighter ones that looked like honey mustard.

With like a red and orange V in it. It was a fucking... That was even loud for the 70s. And that was something too. Like, in real time, people were going like, those fucking jerseys are ugly as hell. And then what happens is they make a movie years later and they act like people didn't know.

Like, I always said that about like the AMC PACER. Remember that car that they, what the fuck a movie was that? Dana Carvey and Mike Myers. What the fucking movie is that? Amadeus, Amadeus. Dada, da da da da da da doda doda doda. What the fuck was that movie? Yeah, they had them, they had the, I'm going to remember it the second I end this podcast.

they had them riding around in that pacer or like if that 70s show or all those things they always have somebody like riding around in a fucking pacer like that's what people did no i remember that fucking car came out everybody was like what the fuck is that that's the ugliest car i've ever seen in my life and like 10 people bought it sorry i'm drinking my coffee here um anyway fucking psyched i got Atlantic city Saturday night and I don't know why. I already know I'm going to fucking murder on that show. Sometimes you just know.

And I think just getting on the other side of just the fact that that AFI thing that I had to speak on that it went so well. You know, they asked me the day before to speak. And when they did that, I was like, dude, what the fuck? Give me a couple days. But now I'm kind of happy. Like I only had to stress for one day. you know um but that went great and i just felt like uh i don't know i just felt like it was such a great night um and to get included with all of that talent was was just it was beyond an honor so i just

feel like everything's kind of gravy after this this past weekend so i know i'm i'm going to be in the perfect mindset and i haven't been to atlantic city in a while and i got a bunch of friends with the family baguished. So I got a bunch of buddies are coming out to the show, a bunch of knuckleheads. And I fucking love Atlantic City. I love New Jersey.

New Jersey, oh, I don't know, it's gotten so much shit. Dude, this, a lot of good food in New Jersey. Why? Because there's a lot of Italians. You know? And, uh, I fucking love.

You know, how do you do better than Italian, Japanese, French. There's a lot of good food. Mexican. Fuck. There's a lot of good food out there. But I'm just saying Italian though. You know, I don't know. I grew up on that shit.

So when I get back there, I always try to make sure I hit some sort of spot. I don't know. I might have some acting work out there later on this year. Something that shoots that way. So that's going to be the hardest thing. I'm just going to do the fucking elliptical every day and do my acting job. But on the weekend, there's some pizza spot out there. Dave Portnoy gave like the highest rating he's ever given.

I have it saved somewhere in my phone. I got to go to that place. I got to do something, man, when I'm back there. So I'm excited to get back there. Fucking East Coast, end of April, beginning of May, gorgeous weather, unbelievable food. What do I give a fuck? right? And then I got, on Tuesday night, Tuesday night, I got the Patrice O'Neill, the 13th, if you can believe it, the 13th annual Patrice O'Neill, comedy benefit, all proceeds after we, you know,

pay for the building to rent it that night, goes to his lovely mother. It's Tuesday, April 28th at the New York City Center Theater in New York City. We have an incredible lineup. Adam Ray, David Tell, Drew Dunn, Jordan Jensen, Matt Richards, Zarnagg, and me, Bill Burr, and as always the great Rich Voss, who's been our MC every year, is going to be out there. And he always sets the tone great because he kind of, he doesn't bring you up as much as he sort of roast you as he brings you on the stage. And I think, like, the crowd always seems to really like that, you know, seeing us fucking around as opposed to just. being all professional. Like, wow, they really do make fun of them,

so each other. So anyway, I was watching some of the hockey. Some of the hockey. How old do I sound? With my son and there was a guy on the ice wearing number 55.

And my son goes, Dad, is that? He goes, is that 5D5? So I start cracking up. I'm like, no, 55. And sometimes he laughs with me, but sometimes he gets sensitive. He'll be like, hey, don't laugh at me. I'm like, I'm not, it's just what you said was funny.

I'm not laughing at you. I'm trying to laugh with you. Does that work? No? Anyways, did you guys go out and go see Bob Odenkirk's movie this past weekend? I hope you did, normal. If you like an action movie slash comedy, slash like badass story.

It was such a fun fucking movie. Really, I did real well this month, like some of the movies that I saw. I saw roommates, Adam Sandler's daughter, Sadie, in that was fucking hilarious. And then that same week I went out and I saw Bob Oden Kirk's movie Normal. You got to see this shit. Go out and go see human beings in movies while you still can. I saw this stupid thing the other day. They said this fucking robot ran a half marathon in 50 minutes. So what? And first of all, how do I know it ran the whole fucking thing? I wasn't there. I swear to God, I am starting to think this AI shit and all of this robot shit,

They're just fucking They're just hyping this shit up Because everybody, what they're trying to do Is to get some dumbass to pay $500 million for their fucking app Or their technology Because all of these billionaires They fucking know That in any second the landscape can change

You know? And I remember Jimmy Iovine one time I saw him on this great thing like When they did this whole thing on them And he was talking about, I forget what it was. Some new music technology came out. And he was like, what is that? What is that?

Because I don't want to be the last guy trying to sell a CD. And that just, I remember that stayed with me, like the brilliant business mind of that guy. And then also like, you know, you have this idea that, oh, man, you make a billion dollars. You got your business. You just fucking cruising. It's just like, no. No, this shit just keeps going. So with that little, like, it's funny out of all that whole thing.

That was a great documentary with him and Dr. Dre. And the two quotes I remember is, I don't want to be the last guy selling a CD and Dr. Dre going, I wear the same fucking thing every day. I don't know why. Those two things fucking stuck out. But anyway, I think this. fucking AI shit and everything that they're claiming that it could do and all of that, I think

they are just, they are exaggerating. And they're getting these fucking, they're scaring the established money. And they're all running out trying to fucking, it doesn't even make sense what they're doing. And they keep saying it's going to save, it's going to save all this money. And it's like for who? It's going to save money for people at the top. And it's going to fire everybody in the middle class, and then how can they buy what you're selling? Like, this is a fucking disastrous formula that all of these super rich people are excited because they don't want to fucking, they've never wanted to pay anybody. That's why they want a robot.

Okay, I just, I buy it once and then I'm done. I don't know. How much does it cost fee to hire a person versus buying a robot that can run a half marathon in 50 minutes? What the fuck? What are you going to race somebody else's robot? What the, what the fuck are you going to do with that thing? I love how people are all freaking out. Those fucking things, they're going to come running after you.

There's going to be no escape. It's like, dude, our whole life we've lived with nuclear weapons. Okay? Some guy nods off and his fucking, you know, faceplants on a red button and we're all gone. I mean, it's just, we just, it's what we do. We fucking, most people are cool and they just fucking hang out. and then you just got psychos at the top just constantly keeping us in conflict

oh wouldn't it be great if people everybody just is like yeah we're not we're not doing this anymore we're not no no we're not buying the next thing we're not going to war you guys all need to fucking relax you have a yacht you have a giant fucking house you got whores in a mountain of cocaine okay you did it congratulations you know what the fuck are you doing

I'm telling you, I saw that this fucking guy was talking about this thing that he had come, like his technology and he was hyping his shit. And he goes, and then it just keeps going exponentially. And it could, it could do 25,000 years of thinking in like one second. It's like, did you just pull that out of your ass? What the fuck does that even mean? 25,000 years of thinking in one second. Thinking about what? What is it?

They're not even saying what it's thinking about. What is the ramification of a machine doing 25,000 years of thinking in one second? When it's a human being telling them what to, who the fuck are you going to? How do you vet the person you're going to sell that to? You're going to give them that level of power? I like how we can do 25,000 years of thinking in one second, you still haven't sold it. Like that, why don't you tell the thing how to figure out how to fucking become something somebody wants to buy? None of it makes sense.

No stupid fucking boxes going down the street, those little robot things. I like how, why are the eyes, why are their eyes? Why is it blinking? Why do you have to make it like, do you think I'm going, oh my God, it's so relatable? those are lights it doesn't think it's not alive no self-driving cars

it's like climbing into your telephone it's like jumping in a fucking microwave and just cooking your fucking brain and they're not going to say anything about it until people cook their brains and they're going to be like oh yeah you know here's 40 bucks you know

it would be amazing is if you gave these fucking lunatics everything that they wanted. Okay? You just gave them everything that they wanted. All the money in the world. The biggest fucking boat. You know, the hottest fucking woman. You know, whatever the fuck you wanted. You know, you can eat an endangered species every night for dinner. Whatever the fuck you want, right? But like, they get it and nobody gets harmed. Would they still be satisfied? Like, I feel like they need people to suffer in order for them, because what they're chasing is fucking empty.

Now, if you don't believe that, watch that fucking Murdoch document on the Murdoch family. I mean, Jesus, fucking Christ, those people, they wipe their asses with $1,000 bills. And it's one of the saddest families. I remember watching that documentary. I just kept looking at that Rupert guy. Well, you just hug your son. What are you doing? You guys are suing each other?

You're telling the lawyer to say all this fucking horrible shit? What the fuck is going? Everybody has to have their own yacht now because they're not talking to each other? I don't know. And you got that sweaty guy over there on fucking Twitter? Does he look even remotely happy? Shark Tank. You watch Shark Tank.

All of those fucking... None of them seem happy. None of them, they're all in their fucking egos and just like, oh, I'll give you, I'll give you fucking this for that. percentage of companies. You know, because of that, I'm out. I love when they say that, I'm out. And that's like supposed to be this big, dramatic thing. Like, wow.

See, that's the difference between me and them. They know when to say, I'm out. It's like, you're fucking jerk off. You're doing a TV show. How do I know if any of this is real? The fuck are you doing? I'm going to go on TV and just be rich. bitch. That's what I'm gonna do. What do you got there? Some ping pong table 2.0? Oh yeah? Well,

what if somebody wants to use it as a sunbed? Tanning bed. You can't do that? Right there. I'm fucking out. Fuck those guys. Shark tank. They should call it the cunt tank. I'm sorry. I barely watched the show. I just can't stand when they're sitting there with their stupid legs crossed. And then there's some fucking asshole There's got to go up there and dance with his dream to try to get in front of these people who all they're going to do is just try to fuck them out of whatever You know, if it's actually a good idea,

they're going to, you get to watch in real time them fucking them out out of whatever the fuck they bought. And then you see like when they try to negotiate back so they maintain some sort of leverage, they get like pissed. Like, I gave you money. You should just say yes.

You know? And then they get mad like, it's funny. Like they don't, if they put themselves in a position that they can totally fuck you over, they got a smile on their face. But if you push back against that, they get like visibly upset.

You know what? Because that's how business is done. Isn't that what they say? That's how business is done. The guy with more money fucking bends over the guy with less money. But he does it with a smile on his face because that's how business is done.

I'm telling you right now, these robots and AI, it's just a fad. It's going to come and go, you know, think about it. Remember Pagers? It just comes and it fucking goes. This whole fucking idea that we're just going to be walking around with, like, robots and, and, like, you know, people are going to fall in love with them and all of this shit that they're pretty. None of that.

None of that's going to happen. None of that. The way we're destroying this fucking planet and the amount of raw materials that it would take to create an entire fucking popular. Everybody's going to have a fucking robot, you know, that's going to go clean the gutters or you can have sex with it or whatever the fuck they're selling you. You know, all of this fucking crazy shit. It's not going to happen. Do you remember in the late 90s when Pets.com went for like 50s? million dollars. This feels like another one of those. And it's the same thing with all of these

stupid apartment. They keep knocking down shit. You know, here's a bowling alley. Now it's gone. Now here's an apartment building where nobody can afford the apartments and then they're just empty. I don't know what that is. It's some sort of, that's all going to come crashing down. And guess who's going to have to pay for it when it does? Anyway, I'm not buying any of it. I don't buy any of it. And I'm not going to participate. That's how I feel like I'm going to become that guy. I'm just going to walk around smiling, saying hello to human beings, and I am not going to participate. You know, it's funny, if that, like, that'll be considered like the new racism. Like, if you don't

fuck with robots. Because at that point, like two people will own all of the media in the world. and mouth-breathing morons will still be watching air-quote the news and commenting about it on Facebook. That'll be like the new racism. Like, if you don't, if you don't, how would they do it? They would say, oh, he thinks he's too good for him. He thinks he's better than them. Where it all ends is when robots start getting rights. You know?

so then you literally can't like so and so was in love with that robot and you fucking poured a bucket of water on its back and now it doesn't work. They'll be like like there was some sort of murder. That's still destruction of property. I don't know. I mean, but who am I? I can't do 25,000 years of thinking in one second. That truly is one of the fucking wildest things I've ever heard.

Like out of all like the music, the music man. Oh, we got trouble. Like, that was one of the wildest lines I've ever heard in my life. What does that sound like? 25,000 years. Hmm. Oh, like a fucking, like a symphony of that for one second. All right.

You got to do the ads here, everybody. You know, this is why I just stay up late at night, looking up the history of sports logos. You can't stand still, man, or the whole game passes you by. Hey, have fun playing the game. Oh, good. Fantastic. You go play the game.

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That's simply safe.com slash burr. There's no safe, like SimplySafe. All right. That is the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. God bless you. Or if you're not religious. fucking have a nice day.

All right, that's it. I'll check in on your Monday. Oh, wait a second. I'm supposed to say listen to the music and then there's a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. There we go.

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 23rd, 2018. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? I'm actually recording this on fucking Wednesday, April 25th.

In case you're listening to the this in the future and you wanted to know what was going on with me as far as my health goes. Now notice I said as far as my health goes instead of health-wise. I learned in vocab improvement back in high school. There's no such thing as the wise guys. Health-wise, weather-wise, you know, that's why I can never listen to come fly with me. Weather-wise, it's such a lovely day. Hey, Frank, I know you're connected, but that's improper grammar.

All right? I'm not attacking you or your heritage of the fact that you're from New Jersey, you're overly sensitive so-and-so. I'm just saying that that's, you know, I don't know who wrote that song. Okay? So why don't you scooby-doo-da-d-da-boo over to a fucking dictionary? And you find me weather-wise, Francis. Am I really trashing a dead fucking Frank Sinatra?

Sorry. I'm not, I've almost lied and tried to tell you I'm on cold medication, but I don't take cold medication. Co-medication is for fucking millennials. All right? And even if you're older and you take it, you're a millennial at heart. You can't deal with the fact that you got yourself sick. You need to lay down, get eight hours, and let your body fucking go through it.

All right? The reason why your nose is running is because it's trying to get the virus out of you. Just let it happen. These fucking assholes. I swear to God, man, the amount of people that gave me advice. you know there's no cure for the common cold but everybody thinks they have one you know what zinc try some zinc shot a whiskey dude my manager told me he goes vitamin d everybody thinks it's C vitamin D unbelievable well the greatest managers in the world and he also knows the cure for a cold

I mean who knew that I'm just fucking with you Dave um let's get that out on the way um Jesus Christ, this is just the cold that won't quit. This is the cold that's letting me know that Mother Nature is regrouping. You know, right now we're squeezing her. All right? Like the way Andre, the giant, was squeezing fucking Hulk Hogan in that documentary. And they're lifting Mother Nature's arm and they're dropping it down. They lift it up, they're dropping it down.

They're like, oh, my God, the bad guys are going to win. And at one point, her arm's just going to stay there. And she's going to start shaking a fucking blonde. hair. That was always my favorite part. When Hulk would start coming back and he'd give him that one big hit and then he'd walk around the ring looking up at the raft who's just shaking his head. Oh, that was the best. I watched that documentary like three times. And when I watched that part of the fight with Nia, we were both laughing our asses off in a great way. Like, just some of the greatest fucking performers of all time and professional wrestlers, you know, when I was growing up

right through the rock and all those guys, like their ability, stone cold, all of them. Their ability to work a crowd is just, it's second to none, you know. I got a buddy mind still going like, dude, yeah, but isn't it like a fake fight, you know, but isn't it like a fake fight? It's just like, how fucking dumb are you? It's like, yes. It's entertainment. They fucking said that like 30 years ago and some guy cried.

All right. And the greatest thing they ever did was say that it was all arranged and all of that shit for the most part. So then they could actually talk about how fucking hurt they got when they actually were doing these fake fights. I had to tell Verzi that Like Verzi If you knew Okay we had a fake fight And I said I was gonna pick you up

And throw you across the room And you were gonna land on your back You know That would still hurt Even though you know We arranged that it was gonna happen Right physics is still in play there No

Sorry I'm a little hot here With this fucking mic I was having a problem With my recorder here Oh God So believe it or not I'm actually on the other side of this thing I completely lost my voice by Sunday.

And so I started gargling with a little bit of apple cider vinegar and some salt in there. And that kind of cleared me up a little bit. I'll do that shit, but I'm not going down to the fucking drugstore, even though I did. And I bought all this shit. And I just looked at the ingredients. I'm like, I'm not putting this in my fucking body. So basically what? I kicked this shit out of my fucking liver.

so this medicine can fool my fucking nose that I don't have a cold. I apologize, dude, for how stuffy I am. But I got to do this because I'm going to be fucking backed up on podcasts because I got the Thursday one tomorrow. I'm liking that I love Lucy sketch where they got the chocolates coming down, except it's podcasting. I mean, Christ, I don't have time for this shit. Guess what the fuck I watched yesterday on the plane coming back?

I actually went up to Boston and I visited my family baggie. And, um, on, on, dude, by the way, the fucking anger that is still in Massachusetts, it's not really with the younger kids, which kind of makes me happy and a little bit sad, you know, at some point you do have to let go of the anger. But I help, I help all the characters are still, you know, around. But I was driving through my, uh, my old neighborhood. And I, there's this cop direct in traffic and a little fucking three-way stop. He tells this guy to stop. And evidently he, he, didn't. And the cop starts flipping out. Now, I'm like fucking two, three cars down the line. So I can't hear what the guy's saying. But he is fucking flailing his arms like Earl Weaver, right?

He manages the Orioles about fucking 40 years ago. Sorry. And I'm laughing. My balls off how fucking angry he is at this guy, right? And then when he gets the guy to stop and then the other he waves us to start going, like that's not enough for him. He walks up to the guy's car and start screaming at him. So I'm thinking maybe this is some young punk with his radio turned up and he's not listening to the cop. I show up. It's like some old dude with like white hair. This fucking eight-foot cop is screaming at him. I don't know how you do it. I would not have handled that well. If he came out to my window, there's no way. I would have been like, relax. And then I would have been, you know, in cuffs. Because you can't tell a guy who's flipping out and screaming at you

to fucking relax. I need to learn my rights. those moments because I am a control freak and I forget that I don't know how to fight in those moments and I just immediately go to go fuck yourself and then and then the ramification comes that I am not prepared for. I actually got angry for that guy and started drove past the cop saying all the shit to the cop in my car to myself as if I was that guy talking to that cop. How fucking nuts is that? Or is that normal?

Is that something you do? I just feel like for me Oh, Jesus Christ I haven't been this sick since I've been a dad Which is fucking brutal to get this sick when you're a dad Because then you can't hug your kid Which is the worst I mean that's what you have a kid for so you can hug them, right?

And lie about what you did when you were a kid, right? That's what you do. Oh, I used to make my bed every day. I did all my homework. I was never a problem for my parents. Anyways, I had a fucking amazing weekend. So I got to work the Ryman once again. That's the third time I've been there.

I did Vince Vaughn's Nashville Comedy Festival in 2014. Then I did it again. In 2016, I taped my last special day. I walked your way out. And then I got to do it one show Friday, one show Saturday. And they brought me a drum kit and shit to play on. And I was so sick I couldn't play. I felt bad.

And I had a splitting fucking headache, but the shows were really fun. And I actually, I always hit that Jack's barbecue next door. And then I went to the Woolworth. They got a Woolworth sale. I was like with a fucking lunch counter, like where they had like back in the day during segregation. But they're just like, only white people can sit here and get a grilled cheese sandwich. God made everybody in his image, but he made us closer to his. his image and he loves us just a little bit better.

And because of that, we get to sit at this shiny counter. And the rest of you, unwhite, white, white, unwhite fucking people got to go around the bag. So I sat down and I got a fucking cheeseburger there, you know, taking pictures. Just, I went into Woolworth like a white person going, oh my God, I remember these things. You know, he used to be able to buy fucking a shirt and then get a cheeseburger. So I walked in, not realizing the historical. magnitude of what I was walking into. I was just walking. You guys still sell shirts here? No, buddy, we don't. We don't.

And I walked right up to the fucking count. I was taking pictures and shit. And everybody thought I was like some fucking historian. And I wasn't. I was as excited. That had the same emotional, historical context to me as if I walked into a Jordan Marsh. Do they have Jordan Marshes anymore? Do you remember all those, all those defunct super stores. It's funny. They were evil when they came out because they put out the mom and pop businesses. And then eventually when you watch them get eaten, you ended up feeling bad for them. Places like Mammoth Mart. You remember Mammoth Mart? He had a big woolly mammoth. Child World got destroyed by fucking Toys R Us. Leach Mayor. They lost out to the fucking Best Bys.

Radio Shacked. There's still a few of them left over. You know what I mean? They're like fucking old Nazis. There's still a couple of them running around, scurrying around South America. You know what I mean? Trying to get a fucking tan fit in with the regulars, right? Well, some of the other ones that they used to have. I can't even remember anymore so long ago. Phileans, Jordan Marsh.

Then Macy's just came along. Just fucked them all up. Just fucked them all up. Bloomingdale's beat the fuck out of everybody. And then you had all those, like, like stores you just heard about. But, you know, like Sacks Fifth Avenue when I was a little kid, they might have been one in Boston,

but I think if you wanted to go to Sacks Fifth Ave, you had to go to Fifth Avenue in New York City. And nobody really fucking knew all of the, all of that, all of that designer shit that all the kids wear nowadays. And I was like Mobile, Alabama. And they had like a fucking Louis Vuitton store. They never used to have that shit. You know what I mean?

They only had three series of the BMW. The three, the five, and the seven. No, they also had the six. And you couldn't afford one of those. Go fuck yourself. They didn't make a fucking SUV. I didn't think. I don't think they did.

They didn't have a one series, a two series, a four series. You know? Just fucking doing anything they can. That's like when Mercedes-Benz dropped their, not that quality, but they dropped it all the way down where you could buy the, was it the 190E, the baby bends they used to call it? Now, a sudden you drive around a Mercedes-Benz that cost the same amount of money as a Monte Carlo, right?

And you were this Monte Carlo fucking T-top, pot-dealing douche, you know, who would have looked right in his Oldsmobile Cutlass, but instead you're driving around this 190E like you're fucking sophisticated. Everybody saw it right through you. You know, the second you got out of the fucking car, right? All your personal belongings, fall on the fucking ground. You know, some scale to weigh your product. I don't know what I'm talking about, but when I was a kid, all the cool older guys, the guys who were like 25, which to me was a man, you had a mustache, you had your own place.

Your chick was living with you, and you could fuck her whenever you wanted. You know, my ID is a 14-year-old. Dude, he lives with her. He can fuck her whenever he wants to. Not realizing. Not realizing like the fucking, that he was probably looking at me, envious of me, going look at that fucking orange-headed,

hairless-faced fucking loser over there. He's got it all ahead of him. Doesn't have any credit card bills. Doesn't have some broad living with him. Bitch moaning about where he leaves his fucking neon green fucking sunglasses. Anyways, but when I was looking, looking at them. They were the coolest people ever. And there was, there was the Buick Regal, the Mona Carlo, and the Oldsmobile Cutlass. And they were these two-door coops. And if you got the fucking teetop, you know, I love the guy that went down to the fucking auto parts store, that the auto zones ate all up. You go down there and I remember people would get their, they put curb finders on them. They cut teetops in them. They get the glass.

ass tinted, the fucking headlights tinted, all this cheesy shit. They'd get a custom license plate on the front. Said like, Mikey. You know? And then you were the fucking man. If you actually had a CD player in it, I remember that was the big thing. Like you got to like, it was an external thing. I remember this guy I knew he had a fucking Volkswagen,

Chiracroko, which was, I swear to God, that was the name of the car. and he had this fucking CD player and it was like it was like an external hard drive like you had to plug this cord in that then plugged into the CD that was mounted on the armrest between the two bucket seats and if you even hiccups in the car the CD skipped but it was still fucking insane and then of course you had to have your radar detector for the fucking state he's dude and all of that is gone you know and back then if you got a cold you put a little vizant fix vapor rub on your fucking chest and that was it. Now what do they got? Jesus Christ, I mean, if they could fucking, they can hold off the HIV virus now. You'd think that they could fucking, you know, do something about the cold. But you always pay a price. It's always a price to pay. You know, he's always paid. You know, he's the battered fucking wife of your organs is your fucking liver. Your liver always takes it. You know what I mean? You fuck up in other areas and then you take your medicine, right? You're a skisker.

Gatterbrain lunatic, you can't get to sleep, so you take some Tylenol PM. And who pays for it, huh? Your fucking liver. How many times you're going to have your liver have to walk around with its eyes looking down at your fucking colon, you know, as the other fucking organs are going, what happened? Ah, I walked into the ribs. Is he making light of domestic violence? Yes.

I am. I think that's the problem with this country. There needs to be more domestic violence. We actually live in an era that someone wouldn't even look at that. Even remotely is fucking absurd. And in an era where fucking, I can't say the word anymore, people on like the internet will just take that clip and they try to get you in trouble. You know what I mean?

Everybody's ratting everybody out. Like, you know, I've really looked at that fucking Connor McGregor thing. What was that guy videotaping it for? And then he fucking puts it up on the fucking internet and just gets this guy in all this fucking trouble. I'm not saying Connor McGregor was right. But like, who's his fucking ass? Like, if I was there, I wouldn't videotape that shit.

I mean, just be like, wow, I'm glad I wasn't on that bus, right? You know? I mean, that guy's the reason everybody on that bus is making fucking a zillion dollars anyways, isn't he? He can't every once in a while Throw a fucking two-wheeler And a goddamn bumy If you're the fucking champ You know

You don't get a little bit of leeway All it takes is one fucking douche With his flip phone And all of a sudden He's down there talking to the cops I don't know what I'm talking about Guess what today is everybody Oh, it's game seven

For the Boston Bruins Everybody's freaking out And all this shit Oh my God, we have three games to one Who gives a fuck All we got to do is win tonight all you got to do is win tonight. No one fucking remembers.

So many series that are three to one go to game seven. It happens all the fucking time. I will say, though, as a Bruins fan, if I see, I have to listen to one more commentator tell me that it was a stretch pass. You know, and Jesus Christ, that Anderson is playing so great for Toronto. I don't know why he does all that flopping around. You literally skate by the guy, wind knocks him off his fucking feet.

Just shameless. Shameless. But I like the fucking maple leaves. You know what I mean? Despite their timidly cocky fans on Twitter who said absolutely nothing. And now all of a sudden, you know, they're like mere cats. You know what I mean? When a fucking cobra comes around and they all sit there lunging at you and shit,

talking all this shit as they back up, but they're not really going to fight. And they're trying to appear bigger than they are. I got no beef with Toronto. You guys went tonight. Congratulations. I can get past it. I don't give a fuck, right? I know that we're a team of the future,

and so are you guys. This would probably be the beginning of a great rivalry. That's who we need. God knows because the Canadians are in the fucking shitter. I have this fucking guy that, like, I can't remember how the fuck I met him. I was doing like a gig a long time ago, and he drove us there,

and somebody got my phone number, and this fucking cunt every year during the playoffs. What's up with the Brewers? I'm not doing so good. One of those fucking duchess. So I finally I just finally blocked his number. I'm like, I don't get this.

It's like, I get it. You fucking drove me to a couple of gigs. I got to listen to your fucking horses shit every time we're doing bad. There's so many fucking cunty sports fans like that. And after almost 20 years of voting a cell phone, I finally learned how to block people. I love it.

It's fucking love it. It's just like, you know? Somebody I used to work with in this business. I don't know what the fuck his deal was. He fucking started calling me and emailing me. You know, block over. You know what I mean? It's like you get to assassinate somebody without having to kill him and deal with the guilt.

You know? I wonder if in the future when we're all just being watched by robots and every last thing you do is videotaped. So you can't do anything wrong. I wonder if they'll have to switch the commandments just so they can get somebody in trouble because nobody can do anything anymore. So rather than thou shalt not kill the Fifth Commandment will be, thou shall not block somebody on your cell phone. You shall not assassinate them digitally. I'm sorry, did I just float out a perfect premise for the next Blade Runner?

No, I didn't. I did not. However, there was that movie that came out where people had to take a test And when the world was overpopulated, those fucking cunts, where the hell did you get that idea? God bless them. But you know what I mean? How about a tip of the cap? Anyways, sorry, people, I'm just in a fucking, I've just had a headache for so fuck a lot.

I did buy some bare aspirin. I did that. Celtics, everybody. How about those Boston Celtics? How about the hot of the Boston Celtics? And how about those fucking Milwaukee bucks? This is the best they've been since back with like Sydney Moncrief. You know, and then they got that white dude from fucking the Seattle Sonics.

What that fuck was his name? Jack Sigma. But I have to be honest with you, dude. The basketball is so fucking awful that I'm watching. They're not even playing hoop. It looks like a fucking pickup game at an unbelievably high level. How many fucking times can you throw up a three with nobody underneath? I mean, I don't understand that new little semi-circle there.

I got a read up on it in the paint. Is it illegal if you don't have the ball as an offensive player to get under the fucking rim? What was the last time you saw a center post up and put his hand in the air and do a couple up and under? You know, a little Kevin McHale action, a little skyhook. It's all fucking gone. You just run down the core, a little pass, and then the guy just takes a three-pointer. That didn't go in. Or somebody does some hand-one shit to try.

try to get around a guy and draw a foul. It's fucking, it's horrible. I think the entire second quarter, I don't think I saw one pick and roll. You know, there's a reason that they did that for fucking close to 80 years. It works. I don't know why everybody's trying to do this globe trotter shit. Haven't said that, I love where we're going in the future.

I just don't like the future of the game. I guess people got too busy. Is that what it was? I missed the banging down low in the paint. You know? And that fucking old school yard play where the guy's leaning against you and leaning and you stepped out behind him like you pulled his chair out. He falls down.

Then they'd stand up and getting each other's grills. And the little fucking ref came up to their dicks was trying to push him apart. I miss all of that. I miss it, man. I miss the way you smell. I actually going to be honest with you, I shut the game off because I was so fucking

because I fucking hate NBA hoop. I just hate basketball. I just hate how no lead is safe. It's like you're up by 40. You go in the kitchen and then you make a sandwich and it's like the other team on a 38-2 run

foul on the three-pointer. This could tie it up. It's just like, can there ever be? Can you ever just have an easy win? I just felt myself getting ready to throw something at the fucking TV, and I get a kid now so I can't, so I just shut it off. And I was just, and I just watched the score throughout the fourth quarter.

And they won, and I was like, good. I'm more of a hockey guy, obviously. And haven't said that, you know, of course I have to, I've got to edit some shit for episode family tonight. But I'll get to watch most of the game. It's only a game seven, you know. I'm very excited for this. You got to love a game seven.

even if your team was up to 3-8-1, who gives a fuck? Gotta love a game 7. And here's the deal, is if we lose to Toronto, that's my team for the rest of the playoffs because they haven't won since 67. And I think it's a high time that they get it. And it'd be cool to see Winnipeg get their first one. So those are my two teams.

Those are my 1Z-2-Z. All right? So there you go. There's your fucking Bruins. Here's your NBA and NHL. Hey, fever. Fucking talk for the goddamn week. Oh, you know what?

I forgot to fucking mention it. I started to mention it. Well, maybe I'll mention it after I do a little... I got one read for this week. All right. Bado do, do. All right. So, I've teased it twice.

Let me see. Liverpool football schedule. When do they play next? I was on the plane and I actually watched Liverpool versus fucking Roma. And it was a, it was a blowout. It was an awesome game. Liverpool went up five to fucking nothing.

Saturday, 4.30 a.m. I don't, I just don't fucking get how this shit works. They're playing Roma. Isn't that like Rome? That's the Champions League semi-final. Leg two of two, aggregate two to five. Yeah, they won five to two. so they're going to play again on May 2nd?

Is that because they scored five goals and Roma scored two? What's the coincidence of that? I just don't understand it. Because they were up five to nothing, and then all of a sudden Roma scored a goal. And then they scored another one on a penalty kick, and then they were going nuts. I'm like, what are they?

It's like fucking two minutes left. Why they're flipping out like they're going to lose this game? I think they're in some sort of tournament that happens at the same. time that the premiership is being played, it's weird. Like, that's the Champions League. And I think Liverpool, Chelsea, that's the Premier League, right? They do it at the same.

Somebody, for the love of God. Somebody over there in Great Britain, somewhere around the fucking world, explaining me what's going on because I actually really enjoyed the fucking game. Dude, this guy, holy shit, this Egyptian dude who kind of looks like an Egyptian Judd Apatow. Mo Salah. This fucking guy put on a goddamn clinic. First of all, he used to play for Roma, so he scores a goal.

Then he does his big dramatic, I'm not going to celebrate. You know, which was more annoying than if he just celebrated. Because then he scored again. The first one was like a fight. It was like a lot of it's like hockey. He went fucking top shelf corner on the far side. I believe what there's. left foot. And then

a few minutes later, whatever, he comes back down again. And he just, and that one, the first one was a fucking blast. And the next one was a nice soft touch, right up and over the fucking guy. The goalkeeper, I believe. For his second goal, once again, he starts praying, getting on his knees and fucking kissing the ground and doing all this shit. Like he's not going to have a threesome after the fucking game. You know what I mean? Like he's going to go fucking rescue a cat out of a tree.

So, dude, take your job. junk out and shake it in the other team's face. You know you want to. And then he set up, he had two assists, whatever they call it, helpers, two fucking crumpets. I don't know what the fuck they call. He got like four points if he was playing hockey. Two goals,

two assists. It was incredible. Then there was this other poor bastard. I think he finally scored a goal. He had a breakaway. He fucked that up. Then he was in hockey, what would be called the slot, and he just fucking miskicked it, blasted it over the fucking net. I think he spent more

time on his fucking Mohawk than he did on his fucking learning how to shoot the ball into the goddamn net. But there was seven goals. It was like the kind of fucking soccer game that a yank could enjoy. But I was stuck on a plane and we had a ridiculous headwind. And I was like, I'm going to sit here and watch this fucking thing. And I totally got into it. By the way, Liverpool's fucking coach, his dentist should be fucking disbarred.

He should have his license fucking revoked. you know, I'm sure it was the coach's idea, but if you're going to fucking go tanning, you don't get your fake teeth whitened to that level. Jesus Christ, he looked like the plant and little shop of Horace, except he had glasses on. So anyways, I was really into it.

So I guess they're going to, why is there so much time between games, though? Oh, no, the next one's April 28th. That's it. I'm going to watch, fuck. I'm going to support Liverpool. I like the Beatles. Who gives a fuck, right?

Like I got time for this shit There's no way to watch it Not all of a sudden Want to have a fucking beer though I will tell you that You know And I've been fucking Billy no fun Billy no vice

Other than four hits a weed one night Which I immediately regretted Because all it does is make me sleepy And I'm trying to become one with the world I don't get munchies I just fall asleep Like a cat on a fucking windowsill I don't give a fuck where I am

I'm going to sleep You know Um Anyways, let's get on with the questions here. I still haven't watched that MotoGP. I know that Mark, Marquez won it. And there was a big anticipation that him and Val Tino Rossi were going to be fucking donkey kicking each other about fucking 200 kilometers. But he just fucking blew by everybody by the second turn.

I don't know. I got to watch it though. I fucking love that sport, though. Okay. Emails for the week. might have to do a little short podcast here, everybody. My fucking voice is bucking the shit on me. All right, Belgium.

Hey, Bill, would you consider to come back to Belgium in 2019? Please keep us posted. Absolutely, I would. I was only there for like 24 hours and I loved it. I was in Antwerp, I believe. Excuse me. Gross. Disgusting.

Sorry. It has to be done. It has to be done You gotta blow it out I should have to do a kid show sketch About having a cold You know You just have some Muppet that's always fucking sick

And then the kids can't fucking Say it'll touch the thing because it's sick And then you make the Muppet act all sad Because it's lonely And then when the kids come over Because they feel bad for it You chastised the hell out of them For giving into the weak emotion of love

and you set them up for the real world. Fish Starter Pack. You know what? I downloaded one of their CDs. Their harmonies are amazing. The music, it doesn't quite grab me. They're incredible fucking musician, but they just, they, there's, I don't know.

There's something, I'm going to keep listening, all right? You're talking about a fucking band that sold out Madison Square Garden like 18 nights in a row or something. so it's got to be me on some level. You know what I mean? I look at fish the way I look at Beyonce. Like it's got to be me, right? I have to be the person that's when somebody fills up the fucking Rose Bowl. You know what I mean?

The second they say they're going to be there and you're like, yeah, I don't get it. And then at some point it's you. It is you. Right? I don't know. Dearest Billy breathes breaths. What are you saying? When I appreciate, while I appreciated the last.

last fish suggested of starting with Rift, it's a very specific album. Pretty ballsy of that guy to start you with Rift. It's as if he wants to make it hard on you. Okay. I like this guy. I like the other guy, too, that he thought I was smart. I like this guy because he knows I'm stupid. All right. Yeah, make it easy, man. Give me the answers. You should download Hoist. Is that he saying that? And as the last guy suggested, a live one. That'll give you something fun to work with. Again, I love Rift, but I also want you to have a fair shot.

Also, story of ghost is funky. And Billy Breaths is fun too. Was it Billy Breiths? I'm so dumb. And not to sound cliche, but have you seen Dead and Company yet? It's a really fun show and definitely worth checking out, man. Yeah. Those hippie shows, there's just such a vibe of insincerity at them that I can't handle from the crowd where everybody's just trying to like, I don't know.

You know, like when you see a mom and she's talking to a kid in public and talking really loudly some cute conversation and looking at you smiling, It's like, well, you shut the fuck up. You bring the volume down. I get it. Kids are cute. It's not my kid, you know? I don't care. That the kid just counted to five.

No, no, Bitsy. You have to sit there. You need to put this on here first, okay? And then they look at you and smile. As they do the play-by-play of the kid putting a fucking marshmallow in its mouth. I feel like when you go to one of those hippie things, people are doing that, but they're kind of doing it. you know, to show like how everybody's, you know, this is like how society should be, man.

Oh, and the fucking, the body odor. I don't mean like, I mean, the cologne that they wear, whatever the fuck it is, just the, the fucking douche gumbo. That's what I can't handle when I'm there. It's always fucking hot, you know, and everybody's wearing a sundress. It's just, I don't know. I'm too much of a curmudgeon. why I think we bombed Syria. Oh, good for you. Help me out here. Oh, Bill Ballbag.

I believe we blew their chemical weapon plants up because they gassed little kids. Okay. Just a guess of what I read. I think you overly simplified it. I think some kids also died. But if we're going to start doing that, buddy, if we're going to start bombing people because they gas people or bomb people and killed little kids. If everybody who does that is a piece of shit, I don't know how well we come out in the wash there, pal. Just a guess from what I've read. But you're not allowed to say that because if you do,

that means you're in ISIS. You're not allowed to criticize anything and be like, what the fuck are we doing? But I do understand your fear of debt. Love the cast and your work. As unimportant as it may seem, we couldn't live without laughing. Peace.

Okay, man. You got your sundress. I saw in there. Okay, I understand that. Syria, okay, what they did was horrifically wrong, but, you know, shouldn't we have a lot more of our ducks in a row before we start policing the fucking world is all I'm saying.

You know what I mean? If we're going to fucking bomb those guys because they gas little kids, that sounds good. But, you know, at what point were they going to fucking shoot some missiles at the people who poisoned our food supply? That food supply that we're now trying to sell around the world and people like, you're not bringing that shit in our country?

Do you know they're saying that about our food like France and India? France is like, all right, but you're going to have to say what's in it. And we're like, no, we're not. There's no way we're going to say what's in our food. How fucked up is that? And I got to try to navigate those waters with my kid. You know? And there's no explanation to it.

There's no, well, listen, man, if you want to somehow make 300 people not starve to death, you've got to cut some corners. Then I understand it, but there's nothing. They're not saying anything. They're like, shut the fuck up and eat it. You know, I don't know. The key in this world to making it is you've got to make so much money you can donate to politicians' campaigns, and then they just fucking leave you alone.

And you can do whatever you want, like poison the food supply of a country, which, if I'm not mistaking, is a terrorist act. When you then become an evil-doer? Dude, I'm fat. This is all shit. You're not allowed to say. You can say it about anybody else, but if you actually fucking have constructive criticism about your own team, you're immediately a conspiracy theorist or you're a socialist.

You know, I don't understand. I don't know when the fuck that happened, but it's brilliant PR. So evidently, I'm a communist right now. Oh, Billy, he's got a red beard. I mean, it's all right there. Probably jerks off to Stalin's fucking headshot every morning. how dare he want healthy food for everyone in his country. Hey, Bill, no fun.

Hey, Billy, no fun. Love the podcast. I'm a fat guy totally agreeing with you. Fat people blame everyone around them, but I'm one that knows that I shouldn't be shoving cheese burgers down my gullet. Yeah, dude, and that's the power fucking choice right there. If you start blaming everybody else, then all this other shit outside he has to change is you keep fucking

chow in this shit. Now, granted, I don't have a psychology degree or even know anything about nutrition as I trash what's in our food supply. You know, Kenny Rogers was the gambler. I'm the hypocrite. Anyway, my question is, do you think it's worse to know that you are ruining your life and eating like a fat fuck or pretending like it's a thyroid problem or some excuse? Anyways, please come to the Bay Area. I am. I'm doing a whole week of shows in May up in San Francisco or Reno because I missed you on the last one. All right.

Do you think it's worse to know that you're ruining your life and eating like a fat fuck or pretending like it's a thyroid problem? I think if you pretend like it's a thyroid problem is a good way to go if you're absolutely if you had no power in this situation. Like a lot of the shit that I allude to, you know, like our food's, supply. And like, I'm powerless against that. So it's something I will joke about. And then I quickly don't think about it because I don't know what to do. You know, you go down to a farmer's market and those cunts have infiltrated down there too. And you start asking the fucking hippie

down there. Hey, so this is blah, blah, blah. Where did this come from? And they start getting all fucking shifty themselves. And then all of a sudden you feel like you're an invasion of the body snatchers, you know? So, but I think the fact that you're addressing that you're the one shoving the cheeseburgers down, you gullet. I have found that, you know, the longest time I didn't think food was a drug. I totally believe it now. And Dean Delray put me on this. I guess it's a gluten-free diet.

And I'm on this and I barely have to work out. You know? And quinoa is like this fucking amazing. The food that I eat on this diet afterwards, I don't feel like, oh, I got to take a nap. I feel like energized, even though I feel like shit right now. But I don't know. And I was taking a multivitamin, somebody's shit all over that. It doesn't have enough of this, enough of that.

You need to take this. It's just like, oh, God. All right. All right. So I think it's, well, look, if you're not going to do anything about being a fat fuck, it's going to be more painful. If you're just going to continue to be a fat fuck and not do anything about it, then I would lie that's your thyroid problem.

You know what I mean? You know, that's like if you put out something artistic and it doesn't do well, and then you blame the left or the right or some shit like I've seen with some movies and other shit. You can do that if you want. It's not going to help your next fucking project. The project of you. Navy training in Australia. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's the last fucking place I would be in the goddamn Navy is Australia.

Oh, my God. What do you have to do to become a fucking Navy seal in Australia? You have to stab a great white shark to death after they cut you. They probably make you bleed before you get in the fucking water. All right. Hey, Bill, just watched at voice clip. I think that voice clip of you on YouTube about how you watched the two weeks in hell thing. I was in the Australian Navy and it was similar, but you got shit for not keeping your own.

I don't know what that means. Preface, this was before the media cared about all genders. We had Big Bertha, which on the second day of recruit school, we were kept up until 2 a.m. And we were only allowed a breakfast bar the night before. They woke us up by smashing trash cans in each of our dorms. Right there, I'd be out. I'd be out. I'd be like, dude, fuck this.

And I'd walk out. They'd be like, good, you're too weak. And I'd be like, you're right. I'm going to a holiday. and I want to thank all of you for protecting me in my eight hours sleep. All right. Then we had to run downstairs and carry the rope called Big Bertha, which was the equivalent, oh my God, of the old ship's anchor lines.

And we ran for about six kilometers, 3.7 miles. What the fuck? Until we were allowed to have food. After that, anyone that couldn't continue, we were partnered up with and had to carry them in Big Bertha, shaming the people that couldn't continue. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that.

Dude, were they up on the rope weeping? Did they literally get broken that bad? And when we eventually got back to base, we were allowed breakfast and then had to go on with the eight-hour drills and fulfill our duty watches. Wow, dude, that is some psychological breakdown right there. Holy shit.

The most fucked up thing about all of this. Hey, wait, dude, did you make it through all of this? Oh, my God. Do you have any idea of difficulty it is to be me? Has your girlfriend never said that to you when you're thinking about that big birthday march? Was this? Okay, this was in 0203 and the Australian Defense Force, our military.

God forbid we seem aggressive. Oh, you say Defense Force. had instituted a policy where females could only be treated or ordered for so many hours a day. So handing AVs dash gas helicopter fuel, so handling, okay, helicopter fuel was only be performed by men because it caused impotence in women, but also men. But females could hold positions on the, yeah, but they can also make a baby and they know anybody will fuck them. So your dick and your balls are expendable at that point. That's simple math. But females could hold positions on the Hilo refuel team.

Well, that doesn't make sense. But when it came to actually handling fuel, they get volunteer males to do it. After dealing with shit like being blamed because my ship couldn't get any new workers from land because the ship was a fucking grinder. And being in charge of people when I haven't even been promoted, I decided to just start driving. drinking so much, I got kicked off, and it was my best decision ever. This is like a great movie. Spent my last year of my contract at a base in a rich part of Sydney, Australia, surfing in the morning and banging a few of the new female sailors that all over 21, he puts in parentheses, that had never been to see. My proudest moment was when I was awarded the Humanitarian Aid Medal

because I build hospitals in Sumatra after the 05 tsunami. I spent days helping and building and the people of Sumatra were some of the most thankful and kindest people I ever met. What a fucking great story that is. Oh my God, can you imagine if you quit? Like how tired you'd have to be, how excruciatingly tired you have to be, to climb up on that rope and be carried back 3.7 miles.

I just have to go mentally with every step. This humiliation is one step closer to being over. What do you say when you get off? Good eye, mate. Sorry about that. Yeah. I'm a fucking, oh my God. I can't imagine what people said to you on the way back.

Overrated, underrated. All right. Overrated. New York and Los Angeles. I've lived in both cities for over four years each. I love them, but I've also lived on a creek in Virginia and a farm in Vermont. Unless you need to be in one of those cities,

just don't go there. I agree with that wholeheartedly. You should visit them. Underrated. Wayne's World. I never heard you talk about this movie. You should definitely rewatch this next time you take a hit, man. All right, I'll check it out.

I will definitely check it out. I had an overrated underrated. Okay, you know what? Overrated. These new fucking elevators. Where I got a fucking hit. hit like 20 goddamn buttons to let the elevator know that I'm going to floor four so it can fucking compartmentalize all the people there when I'm the only fucking person there.

You know? And I got to take my key out and fucking run it over the scanner. I like the old school ones. We just got in. You pushed the button. First fucking 10 years I was on the road. That was the way it was. And I never had that guy from no country from old men blow out.

the lock in my door. You know, it was completely fine. I remember one time I stayed in a bed and breakfast in fucking Colorado with this dude from Germany. It was so fucking creepy because he was walking the halls at night and I was just sitting there and the hall light would be on and I was looking at the light and I didn't have a lock. Did I think maybe had a skeleton key and I was just sitting there.

Oh wow, I just remember my luggage. I had this ugly ass green like made out of cloth bag cloth and plastic that this guy puked on one time oh my God remember that Jesus cry

I've been through a lot of shit people All right let's tell the German one first So I'm fucking I'll tell the puke one No you gotta close with the puke I've already told that story And it's so fucking gross

I've been puked on twice in my life Once on my head You know Everybody in my family had gotten sick And we had this bathroom It was a half a bathroom with no door. You were around the corner. No privacy whatsoever.

We lived in a duplex. Squirrels got into the walls. I had to scare him out and then my dad would kill him. You know, it was the 70s, 80s, you know. Shit like that happened. So there was no place to, you couldn't, I couldn't make a Facebook video and shame my landlord, you know, or my dad couldn't do that, you know. So you just had to kill the fuckers. I remember I had to broom and I always.

was fucking shaking it, trying to get the thing to come out. And my dad was on the other side. He had this giant fucking butcher knife or a metal bar or something I can't remember. And it was a metal bar. That's what it was. Like a big piece of lead or something. And he flushed that thing out. And that fucking thing came running up the broom, up the broom handle.

I remember its eyes were wide as shit. Its tail was straight up in the end. It's little brown cutie pie. fucking ran up my arm and launched off of my shoulder. I went, ah! And then it ran into the half of bathroom. And there was one way in and only one way out. My dad was in the way, and he fucking brought that lead thing down right on it in the back of its fucking neck and just slowly killed the thing.

And I watched him do it. So anyways, one time we were all fucking sick, and I was in there finishing puking. in the bathroom with no door, my brother came running in and just ran. And rather than puking in the fucking sink that was readily available, you know, we were young. So it was just like you puke in the toilet. And my head was obstructing the toilet. And it was like how low pressure goes to high pressure. It takes the most direct route, which is right through the airfoil.

And that's how you get lift when you fly. He used those same principles when puking into the toilet. And my head was the airflow. I remember he fucking puked on my head. And I just freaked out. And I was punching him as hard as I could in the stomach as he was continuing to puke. My parents came in. They were laughing their ass off at me.

And the kitchen sink was there. And she just fucking dunked my head in there and fucking washed it. That was so gross. So gross. So then the second time I got puked on, I was trying to save money. And I was taking a bus from Manhattan to LaGuardia Airport. and we were almost at my terminal.

I'd taken the subway up to Harlem and then took the bus over the bridge. And this dude just got up looking all gray. And he fucking projectile vomited. And he hit this sweet old lady in front of me on her chest. And it was like the Kennedy assassination where the spray just went back,

except it didn't go to the left. It went to the right where I was sitting. And it got on my foot, my sock, and my lower pants, and all over my luggage. And then he just stumbled off the bus. And I was like, you motherfucker. And I wanted to beat the shit out of him. But I was broke and I needed the money. And I had to go to my gig.

I just glared at him as all I could do. And then I had to go in there, got off the bus. And now people look at me like I'm an animal because I smell like fucking puke. and I went into the bathroom like beyond Tourette's took the sock off, the shoe off, fucking, but I only had one pair of footwear, so I threw out the sock. It's disgusting. I had to wash off my fucking pant leg the best I could.

My sneaker was soaking fucking wet. I had one sock on, one sock off walking in a squishy wet fucking sneaker. And my fucking green cloth bag, I had wiped off all of the puke, but it was like stained and it had like the little fucking paper towel balls on it. It was so fucking gross. It was so fucking gross. And I then had to get on like a fucking flight to like Minnesota, just sitting there smelling of stomach acid. And I got off the plane. and I immediately went to a mall

and I bought some sweatpants in the cheapest fucking sneakers and socks and I just fucking threw the shit out and I bought a bag but I didn't have time to do that before I went to the mall oh my God it was a fucking terrible trip oh a fucking terrible trip that was but you know it's not as bad as what fucking happened on Southwest could have been worse

you know that poor fucking woman Jesus Christ you know it's the second time I've heard of somebody getting sucked out like that. You read that fucking story that, uh, that fucking mechanic put the new windshield in on the plane. And, uh, they used the wrong fucking screws.

They weren't long enough. And they're fucking flying like, you know, they're cruising altitude. So they got to be going four or five hundred miles an hour. And the fucking windshield flew off. And the captain got sucked out. But his legs got stuck on the yoke. And he was outside the,

fucking plane. And they were trying to hold on to him. And the door to the cockpit got blown in. And the guy couldn't slow down because it was on the controls. Somehow the stewardess has helped out. You know, when the air pressure, I guess, leveled off where they could move and not get sucked out. And they were trying to pull him in and they couldn't. One of the stewardess could see the guy outside the window looking at him.

And he wasn't blinking. And she goes, I think he's dead. We should let him go. Fortunately, they didn't. They ended up landing. it turned out the guy was in shock it was fucking nuts just sitting there like catatonic

he got frostbite in one of his eyes and it was just and this is what kills me is the fucking maniac was flying again in a couple of weeks I think he still flies I can't imagine you know what the thing is is what they really should have in the back of the plane

is you should also have those shoulder harnesses you should have that you know where it goes across your lap and then over your shoulder. So then if you sit next to the fucking window, God forbid, if the fucking thing blows out, you're still fine. But that would be prohibitively expensive. So I guess what I'm saying is get the aisle seat. All right, everybody. Go Bruins and go Celtics. And I don't know. I'm going to go fucking take a hot shower and try to clear my

goddamn sinuses. I want to do another podcast tomorrow. I'll be all caught up. All right. Go fuck yourself, you cucks, and I'll check it on you tomorrow. Go geez.