Monday Morning Podcast - Matcha, Falling Down Stairs, Destroying Books | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-30-26

Episode Date: July 30, 2026

BiIl rambles about Matcha, Falling Down Stairs, Destroying Books.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(31:16) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 7-30-18 - Bill rambles about Texas, nutrition, and lesbian dating advice.Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Ritual Breaks - Power Over MeQuo: Try Quo for free and get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to http://www.Quo.com/BURRFast Growing Trees: Get 20% off better plants and better growing at http://www.FastGrowingTrees.com using the code BURR at checkoutTOUR DATES ▶ http://www.billburr.com/tourMERCH ▶ https://billburrmerch.com/INSTAGRAM ▶ https://www.instagram.com/wilfredburr/APPLE ▶ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/monday-morning-podcast/id480486345SPOTIFY ▶ https://open.spotify.com/show/5SFiQlOQ3EKmwp0chE1QzY?si=4e6149a2ba584182WEBSITE ▶ http://billburr.com See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Oh, look who it is, everybody. Meandis, meandies, why don't you change your drawers? Do do do do, do. Meyndies, mey, you're smelling like a bunch of whores. All right, sorry. Meandies, everybody. You know, there's a certain confidence that comes with knowing you look good, even before you leave the house.

Meandies gets that. They're not in the dock here, which is why their contoured pouch and ball caddy exists. Why don't you cradle your balls with a, new pair of Miandis. Not just to look great, but to feel like you've got everything under control from the moment you get dressed. Summer's coming, everybody. The clothes get lighter and what's underneath matters more than ever. Meundis has breathable, buttery soft fabric that actually fits. Do they do everything but moisturize your undercarriage there? This is exactly what you want

heading into the hot months. Style for everyone. Hey, Miundis has a cut for every guy with over 10 different styles from boxer briefs to jock straps to their signature ball caddy pouch underwear designed to keep everything in place. Responsibly sourced,

they use sustainably sourced materials and work with partners that care for their workers. Who loves Miundis? With more than 30 million pairs sold in 90,000 five-star reviews. Guys everywhere are making the switch right now as a listener of my show, you can get up to 50% off their subscribe and save deal. And if you don't love it, get your money back at meundies.com slash burr, B-U-R-R-R promo code burr. That's up to 50% off their subscribe and save deal. And if you

don't love it, you get your money back. What are you going to bitch about? At meundies.com slash burr promo code burr. Hey, what's going on? Is Bill Burr? time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Woo, woo, woo, woo. Um, how's it going? How are you? How's things?

Jesus Christ. It's the end of July. It's the end of July. I used to think, oh, my God, this is terrible. The summer's going by so fast. Now it's just like, Jesus Christ, fucking have the planet tip away from the sun. We're going to have two seasons in the future. It's going to be called fire and not on fire.

Fire and what the fuck was that? That's going to be our fire and when is Jesus showing up? Anyway, oh, Billy, freckles. Oh, Billy Freckles? I haven't had a cup of coffee in a week. I've switched over to macha. just switching shit up iced oat milk macho

with a little bit of honey you know but I won't say let me get a ice Odie I don't say that I remember there was a dog when I was a kid in my neighborhood name Odie it was a fucking great dog but

the family got a second dog I already had a second dog Millie and it was old and then they got Odie and Millie knew what was up. She knew that Odie was not a companion. She knew that Odie was the replacement. So they never bonded. It was a fucking cantankerous relationship, whatever the fuck they say. They were estranged before they were estranged. They never even vibed. And the young dog was just like,

I don't know what the fuck's with that older dog. And the young dog goes, well, you wait. You hang around long enough. Someday you'll be me. Ooh, well, You know, they just fucking get into it. Very existential conversations. As I remember it. Anyway, so I've been fucking drinking this shit. I only drink one a day. It's like one of those old people commercials.

One a day plus an iron supplement. And then I won't fucking face plan on my walker and fall sideways down some stairs. Stairs are amazing until you're like 70. You know, then you start looking at them like a fucking, you know, predator. It's funny, you know, if you saw a mountain line in your backyard, you wouldn't fucking walk up to it, you know, but you see a flight of stairs. You never think, you know, one wrong fucking step. Remember that guy who just his wives kept falling down the stairs?

Before there was like, I don't know, DNA, you know, I don't know what the hell you had to do. How many times can somebody's fucking wife fall down? I might have been the same flight of stuff. stairs. Also, you push somebody down the stairs, like, there's a good chance they're not, not only they're not going to die, they're not going to get knocked out. So you're really risking, like pushing them down the stairs and they turn around, go, what the fuck did you do that for? Wait, did you do that to your first wife? Are you trying to kill me, you motherfucker, right? And then, you know, you're at the bottom of the stairs. There's always shit down the

bottom of the stairs, leftover stuff, bats from your kids' childhood, that poker from the fireplace, you know, that you used to scare that squirrel out of your basement, you never brought it to the fireplace, all of a sudden she comes back up the stairs. That's not the woman who went down the stairs. She's as mad as an alley cat. Um, anyway, so I've been drinking this, I'm trying to tell you that, like, I'm a lot more chill now. No, I'm not saying I'm a lot more chill, but, uh, I kind of got out of the the grasp of the, it's a nice way out. If you're trying to get out of coffee

and then just kind of get out of caffeine, you know, a nice step down, the methadone, is that what it is? Methadone Clinic. It's like the name of like a bad metal band. Methadone cynic. Dude, those guys are sick. No, no, they're not.

They pay their taxes. They are totally sane. They are getting fucked. over by their manager and their record label, just like everybody else. Tell us about your new album, Method Drone. Everything's a play on words. Could you do that? Like, how good would your riffs have to be if everything was sort of a pun?

You know, but you're not in on the joke. You actually think it's a good name for your album. That was one of my favorite jokes in the original Spinal Tap. they had an album called Shark Sandwich, and the critic said they should have called it shit sandwich. My daughter got me with a good one the other day. I was just deliberately doing a bad dad joke. And I can't remember what the fuck I was talking.

I was putting my glasses away, and I had the little thing in there to wipe your glasses off. So I said to my daughter, go, hey, look, it's sweet. I go, this is what my glasses use when they go to sneeze. She just looked right at me, she goes, oh, God. And there's the best part. Then she just walked away. It was fantastic.

It's one of the best heckles I ever got because she was so disgusted. And then there was also that I'm related to this guy. It was really, I'd never gotten that. I've definitely gotten, I'm disgusted. but I never got there was never any, you know, blood involved. You know,

I did my family research and I have relatives fought in the Revolutionary War, War of 1812, the Civil War, World War I, World War II. So, you know, I got a lot of invested in this country. That's like a quote one time.

Remember those stupid things? Those rage bait videos. I don't know if they have them anymore. But it'd be like a 50-year-old guy. And he goes down and he like starts debating sophomores in college. And whether it was on the left or on the right, like all the idiots were like rooting for the adult going, oh my God, that 55-year-old totally smoked that 19-year-old.

old in that debate about foreign policy. Just shut the fuck up, you fucking libtards. Or it went the other way where they go, they were like, oh my God, that was like embarrassing. I feel so bad for that fucking 17-year-old red hat. Jesus Christ. Debate much? Laughing, my liberal ass off, right?

Why would you do that? So anyway, some point in there, there was some fucking idiot guy who, I don't even think he fought in a war, but he was talking about all his relatives fought in a war. And then he said, my family has a lot invested. Or maybe he even said, so I have a lot invested in this country. And he kind of felt that because his relatives had fought in all that war, those wars that gave him the right to say, who should be in this country, who shouldn't. Can you guess what color he was?

Um, the fucking worst. Um, anyway, did you know Gandhi actually like was born in Rhode Island? Did you guys know that shit? He was actually born in Rhode Island

and he was starting to help this country. And then people like, get the fuck out of you, you fucking different colored piece of shit. And that was it. And that was the end of Gandhi. could have had a nice peaceful nation here. That's a true story. You can look it up. I read it on a Wikipedia adjacent site. That's called www.com agree with me.com. And it basically takes a picture

of your face and it kind of like uses the camera to go around the room to look at some of the shit you bought over the years. And then it kind of gets like a personality trait. And then it just sort of like curates information that's going to be soothing. Did I mention that I'm drinking matcha? I keep saying latte. I go, no, ma-ma, matcha, macha. I had the weirdest fucking dream. This might be because of the tea. I'm not going to say the actor, but I had this dream. I was doing a movie. with this big-time actor, hey, he's big time, okay?

And one of those award nominee actors and award-winning actors, right? And we were in wardrobe, and I was showing him what I was going to wear for my character. I was going, these are the shoes or whatever, this is the shirt, so I figured this guy's like this. You know, you try to figure out who the person is that you're playing. And every article of clothing, and I was pointing out on, on the rack that I was going to wear. He was using this slang.

I didn't understand it. He kept going, he was like, all right, yeah, he's going, that's a lay piece. I was sitting there my head going. I don't know what that means. L-A-Y and then peace, that's a lay piece. He just kept saying that. Every article clothing that I was showing him,

he would like nod with approval and then go, all right, that's a lay piece. And I was just thinking, like in the dream, I'm going like, what the fuck does that mean? But this guy has all the awards. I don't want to like piss him off. I know that sounds good, but like, what does this guy have his own fucking slang?

And then I woke up. And, you know, when you have one of those weird dreams like that, you've got to wake up your spouse. But I know better. First part of my marriage, I would have woke her up. But then I waited. But I just kept saying it over and over and over again. Lay peace.

That's a lay peace because I didn't want to forget it. So I could show. share that amazing story with you. What do you think that means? Well, I think because the actor had more awards than you, you were feeling insecure. And then on another level, they were talking, but you didn't understand.

So I think that what that's saying is that there's something going on in your life that you are aware of, but you can't comprehend it. And then that's when I sit across from them and go like, Are you talking about global warming? No, it's a little deeper than that. We're getting into your childhood here. Oh, my childhood, there was like fourth season.

No, if we could just let go of the global warming angle, I'm not trying to be hostile, but I feel you're using it as a way to avoid your feelings. The fuck are you talking about it? Okay, anger is a secondary emotion. We're trying to get to the hurt and the pain underneath that. I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, we're out of time for the week. That was a quick snippet of my therapy sessions. Anyway, I am going on the road. On the road again, chika-boom, chika-boom, boom, boom, boom. Just can't wait to get out on that road again. I'm going to Saratoga Springs.

Speaking of taking a picture of your face, which is in silicon. Not silicone. Silicon. Silicon. Silicon Valley. I finally looked it up. I was like, why is it called Silicon Valley?

Because that's the material they used to make microchips, which I don't even know if they use anymore. People still use microchips? Did they figure out a synthetic progression to that outdated technology? I just remember all those fucking people used to build boards when I was working in the warehouse

and they would just be pressing those fucking things onto the boards. Microchips, different megabytes. Should have got into it then. You know, could have been rich. Getting into computers, fucking everybody over. So I'm going up there with all those nerds are who bought up San Francisco

and are destroying the world. Somebody sent me something the other day and I couldn't even fucking watch it. These AI companies, they're saying they're buying. up all of these classic books and they're destroying them. It's like, how do you buy up all the classic books? They're having a book burning?

Is that what we're doing? Like, how much further back, I don't even believe half the shit on the internet anyway, but like, how much further back are we going to regress? This whole make it great again? Are we going to go back to burning women because we think they're witches? Is that what we're going to do? Just going to keep going back? we're going to bring polio back?

Huh? The last time you met somebody had the mumps. Like how far back are we going to go with this fucking bullshit? Once again, once again, Caucasians doing all of this

while simultaneously thinking there is superior race. While simultaneously thinking other races are violent, prone to violence, while our race is well on their way, I believe, to their third genocide

of this century. You know what happens with other races of people? What their problem is, is when they commit violence, they don't have a band. You got to have a brass band and a flag. You know, you get Hollywood on board to tell the fucking story in a heroic way.

And the next thing you know, all your sins are cleansed. Can you imagine that? After like a drive-by? and people saluting fire trucks driving down the street and whoever did the drive-by is waving in the back of a fucking convertible he defeated the Russians sorry I'm in a stupid mood

I've been flying lately get in the chopper just been making the effort to get up there or over there I don't understand how you talk about direction. Up there, over there, back there, down a ways. And even just flying like the pattern or whatever. But yesterday I did a nice flight out over to Malibu.

Down to fucking Orange County, back up over the riverside. And then back out to Camerio. She's had a good time, man. It's very, uh, it's very relaxing. It's a very relaxing thing to, uh, fly. Only's fucking, oh my God, yeah, they just, they just think of all bad shit, but they don't understand the good shit. You're just sort of up there peacefully flying over.

So you just kind of sort of leave the madness. And you get up above it. You're like, this, God damn it. L.A. is fucking gorgeous. Everybody always shit. Don't have a list to anybody who shits on any state. It's gorgeous. It's nature.

If you can just get out of the fucking, I don't know what, just sort of focus on the trees, man, and the water and all that. It's gorgeous. I don't think I've ever been to a state where I was in this fucking place is gorgeous. I drove the goddamn motherfucking interstate 10. One time I had a gig in El Paso and it's like,

I'm just going to drive it. Because I know this is going to be gorgeous. and I drove, you know, all the way California through Arizona, through the bad lands in New Mexico. And it was fucking gorgeous. Gorgeous goddamn country. All of these fucking people would run around, flapping their arms,

talking about how bad this country is and fuck this state and this city's a piece of shit and all of that. It's the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. watching people. They're so stupid. They're literally hating on their own country. You know, you're grown up your whole life and you watch the CIA destabilize

every fucking country out there. And now the exact same thing is happening here. You know this game, and you're still falling for it? I ain't got no fucking problem with the South. I ain't got no problem with Texas. I got no problem with California. I don't know how you could have a problem with Minnesota. Out there swinging at those fucking cop and military rejects that are in ice.

You know, when the cops and the military, basically guns are their business, when they say this guy should not have a gun, you should listen to them. They know what they're doing. You support the troops, right? Well, they said this guy should not have a gun, you know? You support the cops. They're saying these people should not be given weapons. They did not pass the fucking...

They were below the water line. No, but they're going after brown people. So that makes it okay. It's just fucking stupid. It's stupid. And you know what? It's only one person to blame. God, because he makes them all.

He makes all these fucking people. Anyway, I'm going to Saratoga. But then I go to Temecula, and then I go out to Vegas. I haven't been to Vegas in a minute. And very excited. I want a solo out there. But I don't know how to get in and out of the airport. I've done it a few times.

There's this approach that you do where you go right up that street, where you fly by, what would that be? It's the New York, New York, the Aladdin, the MGM, and what used to be the, they knocked it down. What the fuck was it called? Not the Tangiers. That's from casino.

The Trop. So you would fly and you'd be descending and you would come down to the level of those casinos and you'd go right by that roller coaster at New York, New York, right by the MGM. It was fucking amazing. But there's one other, you have to know like both approaches.

You can't just say unfamiliar and sometimes they'll give you the other one. I don't know. I flew with an instructor one time and he did that. And I don't know. I'd like to do that flight again. Just to do it, not during these months. Okay?

When the earth is tilted away from the sun in the northern hemisphere, that's when I would do it. When the earth is looking up to the heavens going, what are they doing to me? That's what I would do it. All right. We get it, Bill. All right, I got to come.

couple of reads here. Quote, QU-O. You know, if your team's communication is messy, customers feel it. You know that moment where you text your whole team? Did anyone follow up with that guy? Silence. Tumbleweeds. One thumb, one thumbs up, emoji two hours later. Meanwhile, I'm actually picturing this person talking to somebody. I forgot we don't talk to each other. This is a text threat. Meanwhile, the customer has already moved on, got married, started a new business, and retired. At some point, you'd just like, let's fucking quo. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo,

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Money is on the line, man. Always say hello with quote. Try quote for free. Get 20% off your first six months when you go to QUO.com slash burr, B-R-R. That's Q-U-O-com slash B-U-R-R-B-R-B-R-B-R-B- Okay. For those younger people, they don't know what I'm, the melody that I'm singing, that's the Mississippi song. M-I-S-S-I-S-I-P-I. It used to be so hard to spell.

It used to make me cry. M-I-S-S-I-P-I. You could literally write. write a song back in the day and it would be a hit just spelling a state, you know? Or like the fruit vendor would come down with his fucking sad donkey

pulling his cart that he beat the shit out of right before he got to your street and somebody would come up, you got any bananas? And he's like, no, we don't have any bananas. What do you mean you don't have any bananas? Well, we got string beans, we got tangerines, we got blood, then all of a sudden he's like, you know what, that's a song? Yes, we have to have. We have any, we have any, we have any, we got string beans, we got tangerines, then all of a song. Yes, we have no bananas, three, four, we have no bananas today.

We've apples and tangerines and ruda bagers and cum quats. But by that dough, but some, something, something, something. I'm going to get us out of this one bedroom. Just imagine not having an ice box. We have something called a refrigerator. All right, fast-growing trees, everybody. Did you know fast-growing trees, man? is America's largest and most trusted online nursery?

Of course you didn't. Who the hell's looking up that, random information? I think if they come out with this copy like that to immediately put you on your heels, like, oh shit, I didn't know that. That's the first thing you do in advertising. Make your customer feel like they don't have the fucking information. And you have it. Well, guess what?

Fast-growing trees, man, is America's largest, most trusted online nursery. You get that? That's how they got a room. Maybe there's a bigger one, but we don't trust those guys. We trust fast-growing trees, man, with thousands of trees and plants and over two million happy customers, but no weed. I don't get it. There's a whole revenue stream right there. They all have, they have all the plants your yard or home needs, including fruit trees, privacy trees, flowering trees, shrubs, and houseplants. Can you buy like a weed tree now, shrub, whatever? It's legal. It's weird. But not.

not at the federal level. You just can't have weed, growing in your front yard next to some azaleas, all grown with care and guaranteed to arrive healthy. You don't need a big yard or a lot of space. This is my favorite thing ever. You can grow lemon, avocado, olive, or fig trees inside. The only thing they used to grow indoors

when I was a kid was weed. Now you can actually grow food. So you can grow your weed, you get the munchies, and then you go over, you have a little fig sandwich. Along with the wide variety of houseplants, all grown, a little avocado toast, with care and hand-selected to thrive in your home.

Can you imagine how impressed your date would be after you banged her the night before? Did an okay job. You're a little drunk. Your dick was half into it, right? Then the next morning that she's questioning what she, you know,

what she did. You got her back a little bit because you had that extra toothbrush because you just got your teeth cleaned and they gave you one at the dentist and you know you're never going to use it. So you gave it to her. She's like, oh, that's nice.

He thought about me. Not realizing that you just met her the night before. But you bring her downstairs, right? You bring her out to your fucking... Whatever, whatever you got. You got a one level? You got an apartment? I don't know.

You go out to the fucking kitchen. You make some toast. And you just reach over to an avocado tree. And you just pluck one right off. She's like, oh, my God. He's a renaissance, man. There you go. Is that a good story?

Because then you're kind of in a relationship. It all depends on what you want. Keep it for yourself. Go Andrew Carnegie. I owe the public nothing. Get out, bitch. Get all the plants you need without the messy car or the trip to the garden center. Right now, they have great deals on spring planting essentials, up to half off on selected plants. And listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchase when using the code burr at checkout. That's an additional 20% off, all capital letters.

Better plants and better growing at fastgrowing trees.com, the code burr at checkout fast growing trees man fast growing trees.com code burr now's the perfect time to plant let's grow together use burr to save today offer is valid for a limited time terms and conditions may apply oh look who it is everybody meundies meundies why don't you change your drawers do do do do meundies, meandies, you're smelling like a bunch of whores. All right, sorry, meandies, everybody. You know, there's a certain confidence that comes with knowing you look good, even before you leave the house.

Meandis gets that. They're not in the dock here, which is why their contoured pouch and ball caddy exists. Why don't you cradle your balls with a new pair of meyundies? Not just to look great, but to feel like you've got everything under control from the moment you get dressed. summer's coming, everybody.

The clothes get lighter and what's underneath matters more than ever. Miundis has breathable, buttery soft fabric that actually fits. Do they do everything but moisturize your undercarriage there? This is exactly what you want heading into the hot month. Style for everyone. Hey, Miundi's has a cut for every guy with over 10 different styles from boxer briefs to jock straps to their signature ball caddy pouch underwear designed to keep everything in place. Responsibly sourced, they use sustainably sourced materials and work with partners that care for their workers.

Who loves me undies? With more than 30 million pairs sold in 90,000 five-star reviews, guys everywhere are making the switch. Right now, as a listener of my show, you can get up to 50% off their subscribe and save deal. And if you don't love it, get your money back. at meundies.com slash burr, B-U-R-R-R-R-R, promo code burr. That's up to 50% off their subscribe and save deal. And if you don't love it, you get your money back. What are you going to bitch about? At meundies.com slash burr, promo code burr. You guys want to start a petition that we could start to fast-growing trees, man, and get those fuckers to, you know, start having some weed out there, man? Oh, here's another, not a dream I had, but I woke up in that rap song.

I didn't even know who did it. Remember that song? Fuck the world. Don't ask me for shit. Because everything I got to have to work hard for it. Something like that. And it's like, I just woke up thinking about that, not being an angry person anymore. I was kind of like, oh, you know, I think everybody's working hard.

And I think every once in a while you need help and you got to reach out and ask somebody. I think that person was really talking to their relatives because they had a hit song on the radio and then, you know, all of a sudden, you know, you get a little bit of money. You win the lottery or something. You hit a scratch ticket. You'll find a third cousin you didn't even know about

hitting you up from fucking East Boston. Dude, what's going on? You don't remember we met at that christening fucking four decades ago? Listen, I got a business venture opportunity that I'm only letting my relatives in, in on, especially the ones that just hit a fucking scratch ticket. You know what I'm saying, dude?

All right. That is the podcast. Anything better is going to be coming back soon, the football season. Here's one. Is there anything better than buying your kid a new bicycle? I bought my daughter, you know, she's on like her third bike. She's so goddamn big. And went down to the store, picked it out, didn't do that online shit.

Went down to this fucking old school bicycle store. And she looked at a few. and then she saw the one she liked, but I wasn't feeling like the excitement. But later on, when she got, she was in the driveway, she showed it to her, her lovely mother. And I came out, I said,

hey, I go, do you like your new bike? And the grin on her face, she was like, yeah, I love it. Oh, it's the best. It's the fucking best. Anyway, all right, that's the podcast. Listen to the music that the great Andrew Femmelis has picked out.

Then we have a bonus episode. of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast to follow. That's it. Have a great weekend. Get comments and I'll talk to me. Time for the Monday morning podcast. For Monday, July 30th,

2018, what's going on? How? I'm a little bit late here with this podcast. You know, I was out there in Houston, Texas for two knots, in Dallas for one. And I want to thank everybody that came out. And the weather was great. It wasn't that hot.

You know? I mean, it was hot, but it wasn't like Texas hot. When we flew into Houston, I saw, you know, nice green fucking grass and that shit. I didn't realize Houston was right on the water. I always thought you still had to drive like an hour before you get to the Gulf of Mexico. I don't think I ever looked at that. And I know a lot of you guys are like, oh, Bill, you didn't watch a hurricane last year? No, I didn't.

I didn't want to watch a bunch of people losing their houses. Did you watch it with your fucking popcorn? there was that disaster, did you know that it sat right on the Gulf, unless you live there? That's actually, you know, something. Every time I go to a state, I kind of look where everything's positioned, and it's so fucked how, like, your brain remembers it. Like, I always thought Austin was in between Houston and San Antonio. Turns out it isn't. It's just northeast to San Antonio on 35. And then like, you know, fucking San Antonio and Houston

are kind of parallel with one another. And of course, Dallas is all the way up there on top. Dallas, Texas, where the heat is real and the titties ain't. I had an awesome time when I was up there. And guess what? Guess what old freckles has done? He hasn't drank this whole month.

Oh, did he want one last night? But he didn't. I'm going to, yeah, this is my new thing. I'm drinking the way I smoke cigars once every 10 to 14 days. If I do that, if I do that alone, I will cut down my drinking by at least 172%. No, I don't know what I would do. That's the game plan. So I got a little shindig August 7th.

Then I go right back on the wagon until fucking, I'm going to try to go back on the wagon. That's the hardest thing for me. Once I go off, oh, Daddy's playing the game. again. Oh, he's in the game. He got a little dirt on his uniform. Yeah, so Nate Craig was out there with me, crushing it every single night, and I don't know, don't have anything bad to say about anything.

It was weird. It was weird going to Dallas. I'm not sending any of texts. Other than that, it was a good time. All right, that just bummed me out. Why would I bum you up? Good news. Hey, you know something? Here's something. that you might not have known about me but sensed when you were in my presence is, I swear to God, if I wasn't a comedian, I could have been a manager. Well, at least I could have been a talent scout, you know?

Telling you, how many more do I have to call? Remember a long time ago I said, you know, I've been watching this drummer on Instagram at the pocket queen. Well, that drummer is going to be sitting in with the Seth Meyer show all this week. What did I say? Go back and look at the old podcast. Listen to him. It was right there.

I could have done it. I could have brought the Red Sox out of their fucking 86-year curse earlier if they had me as a talent scout. I could just see it. No, I can't see it in sports. I can't see everyone, whatever. You know what it really is is you make a fucking thousand guesses and then one of them comes in.

And then what you really do is you just brag about it, which is what I'm doing. So anyways, I'm back out here in Los Angeles. list. All right. I'm sitting in a very progressive manner. You know what I watched last night? I watched a couple episodes of Seinfeld's new comedians in cars. You've got to see the Brian Regan one. The Dave Chappelle one is awesome. It's Dave Chappelle, but the Seinfeld one, the car that Brian Regan likes, I actually like it too, but it's a 2005, like, two-seater Cadillac or something like that. The level with, I'm not, I'm not. I'm not. I All the episodes, I've never seen Seinfeld shit on a car like he shed on that car. From the way it looked to the options to describing the person that was going to drive it. And then Regan, of course, was Regan, and he was fucking hilarious. But I was kind of hoping he was going to bring up how much he did not care for Brian's taste in cars.

But you should check it out if you get a chance. So, anyways, here's my story. So I'm in Houston, right? And I'm supposed to fly up to Dallas. And once again, I fucked up. I wanted to fly into Love Field because that's the smaller one. In Dallas, you know, whatever,

that fucking metro airport, whatever the hell it is, it's gigantic. But this time I actually went through Dallas Airport, and it was really easy. Oh, I know why, because I wasn't connecting. Connecting through Dallas. You always got to get on that fucking monorail.

And I swear to God, if you're in terminal B, your connecting flight is in terminal A, and you always have to go all the way around. You always miss it just by one. Sure, you could grab your bags and start running through the airport, you know, like O.J. Simpson back in the day, I guess, you know, maybe that's an option. I don't know. So anyways, I was going to fly up from Houston, but Nate didn't get a ticket,

thought we were driving up. So I was like, ah, fuck it. You know what? I can't remember the last time I took the 45 North. up to from Houston to Dallas and uh canceled my flight

and we just fucking drove up there and um I got to tell you man that is a uh that's an intense state Dallas not Dallas Texas I mean

there's just like nothing out there and then all of a sudden you just you finally fucking come on something you get so fucking excited some sort of barbecue joy I'm like my guy we should Stop there, man. Near the middle of nowhere, everything starts looking good.

Look at it. They got fireworks. Let's pull over, man. I've got to get some of those. I haven't seen any sign of civilization for the last fucking hour. But we ended up stopping this gas station with it. They got this Czechoslovakian or Slovakian. I don't want to start any fucking wars over there.

Little dessert thing that they have. Some people put meat in. Some people put fruit in it or whatever. And I only see him in Texas. It's usually when I'm on the 35, right around Waco, Texas. I was joking about that guy all weekend. You know, Joel Olstein. I was teasing those people down in Houston going like,

I can't believe you guys were surprised that that guy didn't let you into his house when the hurricane came. You know, he's selling out a basketball arena talking about Jesus. Do you think this guy's even remotely honest on any level? Let's do that thing where I have my eyes close going, Jesus doesn't want you to step on my blue rug. Talking about Dave Koresh. Anyways, is that his name? David Koresh.

Really good-looking guy, man. He reminded me of that guy who starred in California. Californication. He's also in the X-Files. David Dukovny. So that David Dukovny sort of understated vibe with them. with like Richard Gere's hair. Or was that like more of a Rambo haircut?

You know, I've got to look it up now. Like if you could go back in time, you go, hey, to the cops right before that guy went nuts. Hey, man, you've got to get this guy saying he's Jesus. Oh, what's he looked like? You know, he kind of looks like a Rambo haircut. Like David Dukovny with just a splash of Richard Gere. Sounds like a cover of People magazine from fucking.

in 1989. What are I looking up? David Koresh, the K-factor. He definitely would have got the plane ticket to Vegas. Look at the guy. You know what I mean? If you take off those fucking glass,

he looks like he could have done the Bjorn Borg story. This is what's going to freak me out. How long did this guy live? From 1959 to 1923. Oh, Jesus. He was 30. Oh, he was 33.

You know those Jesus freaks. That's when they like to die. That's when they like to die. Oh, Jesus died at 33. So if I fucking die too, then that means I'm just as his father or two. Made no sense. I thought it was going to come out on son.

Anyways, so I've been eating perfectly the whole weekend, and then I stopped and I got a couple of those, I don't know what the fuck they're called. Checkless of a... Oh, hang on, I'm going to get you the name of them. I can't find. I think it was called like a colosh or something like that. I can't find it.

What the fuck? Come on. There it is. K-O-L-A-C-H-E. Oh, my God, they're delicious. Hey, Nia. Wait, who's that? Hey, hey, buddy.

Oh, you got your book. You want me to read your story? Baby. What's her new favorite book? Oh, is it? Hi, buddy. Hi, buddy. Can I get a kiss?

Muh. All right. Oh, the boss baby. Do you guys like to listen to little freckles? Read your kids' book? I read this on Instagram. Oh, you didn't? Okay.

Don't touch that. Don't touch that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. I appreciate you showing me. That was there. Yeah, I have to do a podcast, man. I don't know if I can do this right now.

All right. From the moment the baby arrived, it was obvious that he was the boss. Yeah, he looks like it. He put mom and dad on around the clock schedule with no time off. Thank you. Does this seem familiar, kiddo? I'm bombing with her right now.

And then he set up his office, right smack dab in the middle of the house. She's not even listening to me. I have like no charisma here whatsoever. She's finding the crap on my couch way more interesting. He made demands, many, many demands. He got a little Trump suit on. And he was quite particular. I don't like that.

If things weren't done to his satisfaction, he had a fit. Well, it sounds like these parents need to pooch kick him into his crib. He conducted meetings lots and lots and lots of meetings. Hey, are you interested in this at all? I have to get back to my podcast. Keep reading? All right. Many of the meetings happen in the middle of the night.

The funky thing? When was this written? Marla Frazi? Is that an old black woman, Marla? The funky thing, that came out of nowhere. Is it the 70s? Just read the book. He never ever said a single word that made any sense.

But that didn't stop him. She wants to run around. Do you want to look at this? I just feel like everybody's fast-forwarding through this. Whoa. Whoa. All right. And then Daddy went back to his podcast.

The end. Is that cool? Bye. Bye. Okay. Nea, I have to get back to a particularly excruciatingly unfunny podcasts that I've been recording. Anytime I start and I start promoting something or whatever the hell I just did, my whole brain just goes out the damn window.

You want me to read that book again? Okay, sorry, guys. This is just part of it now. The boss baby. by Marla Frays. From the moment the baby arrived. All right, let me get back to this. So,

bye-bye-bye. Bye-bye. Say, I love you. There you go. She can't say it. She just goes, y'n, yeah, yeah, yeah. So yesterday, after I flew back from Dallas,

I landed at L-A-X and I met a friend of mine, believe it or not, who owns one of those Vietnam era of fucking helicopters. The Huey U.H. ones, and he was there with his instructor, and they picked me up in the thing. It literally sounded

like I was in fucking apocalypse now. And you know, he flew around up the coast of Malibu and all that stuff, and then we landed at the small airport, got some lunch, and then they let me fly it. And it was amazing. You know, it's funny?

People always said, if you can fly in R-22, you can fly anything. the R-22 is the little egg beater that I fly. And it's kind of like driving a car, I would say, with like no power steering or power brakes. You're really doing it. But despite all that, anytime you get a new helicopter, it's like, it's not just like, you know,

if someone was to, like, taxi it out for you and you just took off, it's very easy to fly anything. But it's like when you come to a hover, you know, and you're doing little turns and stuff and trying to set it down on the pad, I don't know. That's when I sit there thinking like, ah, you know, okay, you might be able to fly it,

but I don't think you can maneuver it well. So we just did some pad work, and then I flew from Camarillo all the way out to Burbank. It was amazing. It was fucking amazing. And I want to thank my buddy for letting me do it, not naming any names or any of that crap. Now, speaking of helicopters,

everybody keeps telling me, I've got to see that new Tom Cron. cruise mission impossible. Doesn't it seem like my podcast lately that I'm subtly throwing in advertising? I swear to God I'm not. I watched that movie, uh, uh, the, uh, the death of Stalin yesterday on the plane. Jesus Christ. I don't know. Who the hell wrote that, man? How do you turn that guy into a comedy? But somehow they did it with those fucking hilarious. Um, two of my favorites of all time, uh, Steve Buscemi. and Jeffrey Tambor

I ran it They're absolutely hilarious And I wish I knew the name of the One of the other league cronies there Um Fucking amazing movie This this is fuck You know what it is

I don't have my fucking headphones I don't have a microphone I just I just this is like This is like kryptonite You know I'm under the fucking gun I gotta go fucking meet somebody I got no time

Well Bill maybe you want driving Flying around And fucking amazing helicopters You a-hole And recorded this yesterday We wouldn't have to listen this mediocre shit. Hey, this week, I'm going to be at Rough and Rowdy.

Rough and Rowdy Brawl, August 5th. This podcast is nothing but promotion. In fucking, what the hell am I going to be? In Youngstown, Ohio. You can pre-order the fight at rough-in-routybrawl.com. Rough, the letter N, rowdy brawl.com. They got pride versus prejudice. They have gay pat is going to be fighting this ex-felon who doesn't like gays.

That's the title fight. And then we have a cop fight and a skateboard. You know, and then there's also a bunch of Cleveland Brown fans and Steelers fans that want to beat the shit out of each other. And it's all done in the name of fun. How do you not sit and watch that, man? It's like a tough man competition, but with stories. You know?

And it's really never-ending the kind of people that you could, the matchups with how much people don't get along. You know, you could have neighbor versus neighbor. You get in the gay community, you could go with ex-boyfriends and girlfriends, you know, because then it's still chick-on-chick-on-goy-on-guy, right? Bearded ladies, I don't know. It's endless, and I can't wait to go. But right before I do that, or the day after or something. shit. I'm going to be in Rochester, New York,

home of Steve Gadd, with Dean Del Rey coming off a marvelous performance up at the Just for Lafts Festival. Anyways, I can't, you know, for the first time ever, I'm actually starting to feel my goddamn age, you know? When I was in Dallas, the fact that I had, like, two shows, and I wrote

up sitting down in that frigging car, I'm telling you. You know? I was, like, going. It seemed like I had to go shovel somebody's driving. Once I get out on the stage, I'm fine. But actually, I'm probably fine the whole time. But I'm just like, just the thought of it. Two shows never bugged me.

Three was always like, all right, what the fuck. What am I working in a mine here? I thought I got into show business to have a nice, easy fucking life here. Yeah, this has been like feeling my age. So I got to get back to, I don't know what, you know, because I shouldn't be feeling, I mean, I just feel a little bit. My fucking nose of some, my shoulder is fine, and now my knee is fucked up.

I don't even know what the hell I did to it. Just crawling around playing with my daughter, all of a sudden, just my knee all of a sudden felt like really, I don't know what, hot stinging pain. But it's not constant, and it's only when I put pressure on it. So I don't think that it's bone to bone, thank God. I don't think I've been active enough to have that. shit. This is one of my favorite things to do, by the way, is to let you guys know what some of my

ailments are, and then you guys all just turn into doctors. It's one of my favorite thing. Dude, you know what that is? It's actually your kidney. Hear me out. One time there was this guy, right, and it just fucking goes into that shit. And he was out on the golf course. He goes, you know, I'm going to have a doctor look at my knees. And the next day, he died of a kidney apparatus, a kidney a order. What did they call that? Kidney hemorrhage.

Cameridge. So anyways, I ate that fucking little Czechoslovakian dish, and then I went right back to salads and I was fine and fine and fine and then late at night. These goddamn hotels, they always get me. They always had the little snack thing. I had eaten perfect. Perfect, perfect. When I was in Houston, unbelievably, there was no snack try. Now, everybody knows Houston was voted

unprecedented, back to back. They went back to back as the fattest city in America, okay? And this is no, you know, it's not like these are some little fucking, you're not going up against cupcakes here in America, no pun intended. All right?

We're some of the fattest people on the planet. And I don't even think we are. I've got to be honest with you. Maybe we are, like collectively. But when you're in the cities, you know, you don't see a lot of fat people. You're in the city, there's just too many eyes on you. You know?

You get out in the country, man. I mean, shit. You can just walk your property fucking butt-ass naked. Who gives us, you know, nobody cares how fat you get. And those overalls will hide the first 40 pounds. Who's kidding? Remember Uncle Jesse? That big goddamn beer belly he had.

But he had in the overall. So he looked like Santa Claus. Just a good old boy. Never meaning no harm. His stomachs full of booze and fucking regrets. He doesn't even know his kids. Was that what that whole thing was about? He was Uncle Jesse, and Bo and Luke were cousins.

He must have come from a big family, because that should have been... Od's our, it should have been one of their dads, right? Cuder. Just crazy, Cudy, you got your ears on? I'm actually at the end of the sixth season of 77 sunset strip. It got canceled after 20 episodes, and I'm really going to miss that show, and I hope that MeTV,

which I'm going to look up right now, is going to go back to episode one again because I missed it. I could have watched the whole series since last November, and I didn't even know it was on. And I would have loved to, and I really wanted to see those first five episodes

because he was in L.A. Anytime they were in L.A., I would always hit pause just to see if I could recognize where they were. There he goes. Me TV 77 Sunset Strip. Come on, man. me a fucking showing.

Give me a showing. Schedule. Is that when I, 77 has its roots and underrated. I don't care about that. Come on. Schedule. It's going to be over. I'm sorry, we have no listings of that.

Week nights at 4 a.m. Are they going to start over again? But you stopped. I didn't get one on Thursday or Friday. Thursday of Friday. So, let me read some of the advertising here. I got nothing for you here this week. The Red Sox beat the twins.

There's something. We got the Phillies tonight for some more exciting Interleague play. They have interleague play like every fucking two days now. You know, they always got to kill it. The Yankees, their fucking big man there,

Aaron Judge, what he got to fucking chip the bone in his hand? You know, it hit him right in the palm too, man. It's got a fucking kill. You know, sometimes like chipping your elbow seems like, well, it's kind of sticking out so it wouldn't hurt that much. designed for that, like, you know, the inside of your palm to chip that.

As far as, like, the worst bones to break, here's another one, cheekbone. Yep, you can file that under fuck that. Obviously, you don't want to break your neck. You can break a toe. You know what I mean? Like, do you think that they were torturing you, and they wanted you to give up where the base was? You could handle a broken toe, right?

You just do that. That wasn't so bad. I'm still not telling you fucking. You know, once the guy goes to the rusty tools, so it's like, all right, man, what are we doing here? What the fuck do you want to know? I don't give a shit. What are they going to call me?

You can let me go if I tell you? I know you're going to kill me. Let me just tell you where everything is and you just take out the drill. Hey, smiley. Oh, the yitzy-bitsy spider went up to water spout. How you doing? You want me to read the boss baby again?

Huh? Oh, you're excited, huh? Oh. Bye. Bye. See you later. All right, let's show off here. Okay. Laughing. Crying. Angry. Surprise. There you go. Good job, buddy. Where's your toe? To, you know that word?

Honey, I have to read advertising here so I can keep buying your food. Keep buying food. Yeah, that's how it works. All right. Oh, look at this first one. Honey! Whoa. There we go. Yeah. Oh, it's okay. Buddy, I'll be out there in a minute. I'll be out there in a minute. Oh, my God. Oh, she's holding her arms out. Oh, just holding her arms out looking at me. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Okay. All right. Let's get to some of the questions for this week. I guess that's what we'll do. We'll do a couple of

questions and then we'll fucking go back to some more advertising if I can actually figure out how to read it. All right, Russia feeling left out. Hey, you Bill Burrov. I've been listening to you talking about your upcoming Eastern European tour in the latest podcast, but not hearing about any stops in Russia leaves me quite scarred and traumatized every time the podcast ends. Is this guy making fun of millennials or how soft Americans are or are millennials a worldwide problem? I mean, what's the deal with leaving us out? Stand up is very popular here right now. Stand up in Russia?

I mean, are you allowed to talk about anything? I can't see going over there doing a Vladimir Putin fucking impression. Could I? Then what happens? All of a sudden, somebody spray some mist on me. And I'm sure you can easily pack a full show several times over in places like Moss. in St. Petersburg. Besides, think of all the experiences you can have in the OG vodka capital of the world.

It's dirt cheap with the current exchange rates. The cities are beautiful and quite different from what you see anywhere else. The people are friendly, welcoming, and fun-loving. Was this written by the KGB? Or is this really a regular person? You never know. I mean, we haven't gotten along for a long time. I know it kind of died down for a minute.

But, you know, it's always going to be Yankees and Red Sox with us, unfortunately. to be honest with you dude i'm actually i was talking to my agent about trying to add moscow which i shouldn't have said because now everybody's always trying to add it and then if i don't then i'm a fucking asshole um anyways he said i know we have a bad rap currently even heard you mentioned that gay people and journalists are being killed here which would be laughable to us if not so many people believe those stories uh oh you don't think oh my god am i who's living under the right media bubble. Anyways, but let me ask,

just ask you one thing. If you're so skeptical about trusting the media in your everyday life, why go around and believe what that same media is spewing about other countries? Not saying you should take my word for it. Come and see for yourself. Hey, come on over, Bill. We're not killing anybody over here.

Grab him! Make your own decision. In the meantime, give a little gift of laughter to melt our cold Meshchechek loving hearts. I don't know I say. have a nice day and go fuck yourself. Oh, man. No, I would love to fucking go over there.

And I don't know what the fuck to believe, but I do know this. We're not the only ones lying. You know, okay, don't believe the American media, but believe my media about my country. Well, I guess maybe I should believe. I mean, look, I don't think I would, if I went over there, yeah, I would be honest.

I don't know. Maybe you're being honest. Who the fuck knows, you know? I think we should just grow. up in joint forces. Okay, AARP. Hi Bill. I've heard on your podcast that you

Oh, wait, by the way, have you guys seen the Vladimir Putin fucking goes out and plays hockey? And they're just letting them score right and left? I've got to fucking post that video, you know? That's that type of shit. You know what I mean? Like, do you think they'd let Donald Trump score?

They probably would. But we always had that thing. Oh, they're not, they're letting them score because they don't want to get sent to Siberia. AARP. Hi Bill. Hey, you know something? I would like to hear from more Russian people.

I want you guys to infiltrate my fucking podcast here. Like you did the last election. Oh, a hot take. I don't even know if you did that. I have no idea. I don't watch the news. AARP. Hi, Bill.

I heard on your podcast that you received AARP invitation to join. The biggest benefit we get from AARP is that it is a very large, lobbyists for us old people. Please join. Thanks. Oh, my God. Did I just join a group? Yeah, for those of you didn't listen last week, I'm 50 years old now, which makes me qualified for AARP, and I can go to the movies for like $8.

You know, I can get a custom cane, walking cane or something. If I want, there's a whole bunch of things I can do. I'm actually, you know what, I was on the road, and I saw there was an email. it was something I needed to fill out. Anyways, plowing ahead further. I got to be honest with you guys. I'm always honest on this podcast. Last night, Nia had this little square of fucking weed.

And she goes, take a bite of it. I hate eating weed. I don't like eating it. And she goes, nah, just try it. I don't want to yourself. She talks me into it. I'm eating dinner, and I ate the fucking thing. And I never really felt anything.

And about 10 minutes ago in this podcast, all of a sudden, it fucking hit me like 12 hours later. You know, I'm not like fucking tripping, but I think that's why I was reading like X, X, X, X, X, X, twice instead of once. I have no idea. I thought this shit is supposed to make you, like, clearer. I really miss booze.

I mean, you just kind of know what's going to happen. Like, what's going on right now? Is this like some Bruce Lee shit? It's my brain swell up now, and I just keel over on my own podcast. Anyways, nutrition. you goofy bald-headed bald-headed potato-looking fuck

Jesus Christ you're harsh in the mellow man I know you are looking to go to a nutritionist for advice be warned this industry isn't particularly well-regulated yeah I know I know it's terrifying basically once they have that degree they don't have any oversight

like real doctors if they fuck you over there's only so much that you can do. Well, I could sue them, but what are you saying? They don't have the money of a doctor, so what's the point? Here's what you should do. A, find a nutritionist that provides advice based on lab work. Most of these cunts will just have you keep a food journal and then give you advice based

on what you ate over the week. This is stupid and can be both misleading and inaccurate, not to mention expensive. Find a nutrition that provides advice based on lab work. Well, I mean, can't you just fucking sit there throwing out stats? Four to five doctors recommended this is barriers. Anyways, B, whatever product they get you to start taking, ask them if they get money for the referral. And what are they going to say, yes.

A good nutritionist won't try to sell you something just because they get a kickback. And an even better one will give you a list of options of things you can do based on your blood work. And this all makes sense, I guess. people that have to give their opinion, give you their credentials as a means of validating their opinion, but for context, I'm a member of Team USA and competed in the 2006 Olympics

in Rio. Jesus Christ, dude, fucking throwing your dick on the table here. The only reason I say this is for the example that Team USA is sponsored by Coca-Cola, and even our nutritionists attempt to hook us up on a protein brand,

on a protein brand owned by Coke, yeah. That's how it works. Everybody has a side deal. Despite it being an inferior and more expensive product. Wow. They recommended it to the athletes. Isn't that?

And there was gold medals on the line. Anyways, just saying, be careful who you listen to. They even dupe elite athletes with this shit. Well, you know what? That's probably one of the most informed fucking emails I ever read. Yeah, I guess it is an email, right? Letter. When I was like, oh, when I was a kid, they called them letters.

Yeah, I know I have to watch out for that. One of the reasons I got a nutrition is because when I went online, anything that I looked up about food, I mean, the whole front, I don't know how many pages, was just all big-time websites, and then just,

everything was conflicting. You know, these are good, don't eat those. I'll tell you, you got belly flat? You know what the problem is? Bananas. A lot of people think bananas are fucking just like, you know, I don't know. I love when people do that

and you start telling you certain fruits and vegetables are bad for you. It's like, yeah, well, I imagine if I eat a fucking bushel of them, it's not good. But isn't there also like some sort of potassium or some shit I get out of bananas? I don't know. Gorillas eat them.

They look pretty fucking buff. 23 and me. Here's the old Billy Cheeto. Oh, hey there, Billy. Old Billy Cheeto dick. Oh, man. Come on, man. Link to the article at the bottom.

but I know you don't read, so here's the gist. All right, hang on a second. 23M is getting lots of money from Big Pharmacy. What the fuck is this? Okay. He goes, all right, he goes, you were absolutely right. This company, 23M. is set to make $300 million

from sharing their users' generic information with Big Pharmacy. Oh, is that one of those like Ancestry.com websites? They say it's so the buying company can use the data to develop medical breakthroughs or some shit, but I'm sure we all know that's bullshit, except to see robot replacements within a decade or two. Anyways, thought you could use some vindication from a fellow conspiracy nuts. Have a good one and go swab your own spit. Go fuck yourself.

I would actually guess that all of that is true. they're going to use all of that information to develop new drugs, I would think, because they're trying to make money, none of which will cure you. They'll just keep you on the hook. We'll keep them just alive enough that he keeps buying a little pill.

And then I also think the robots are going to come. Absolutely. But the bottom line is the people who are making the robots or overseeing it are also human. So it's in their best interest to try and cure something. shit for other humans, right? I already told you my philosophy, right?

My fucking theory was basically, I shouldn't have told you guys about that fucking stupid pot square thing because right now you're like, oh man, this is because he's high, you know, fucking people who are like into weed, always give it credit. You know, like I didn't already have this thought. I had this paranoid thought stone sober alone in a hotel room. This is what I think. I think that they're going to fucking use this shit to build. robots and then they're going to kill everybody off and keep a certain amount of people alive

and their job's going to be to like keep reproducing so the Illuminati can harvest the organs. I swear to God. That's got to be from the weed, man. No, I swear to God. I've actually said that on stage this weekend. Stone sober after eating a salad. You know, a lot of those salads actually have chemicals sprayed all over them. So you're actually, I know, I know, there's no fucking way around it.

All right, Bill, from a lady. Hey, Bill, the Blasie cunt, the Blasso cunt. I'm a relatively recent listener of your podcast, as of seeing you at Clusterfest in San Francisco a year ago. That sentence makes no sense. I'm a relatively recent listener of your podcast as of seeing you at Clusterfest in San Francisco a year ago. All right.

I guess that does make sense, but it was kind of written in a passive, aggressive Shakespearean way. You could have fucking arranged the letters a little more straightforward there. All right, I'm not going to lie. That one right there, that was the weed. I literally have a meeting in a half hour. Like, what the, I'm just going to, I can't imagine the show I'm going to agree to do. All right. Not looking where I was going.

I almost accidentally walked into you while you were on your way to interview Jerry Seinfeld. Most is the same way. I probably came off as rude for my deer in the headlight moments of literally running into one of the best comedians of all time. Did I write this? So I hope you can accept my late apology. What am I fucking in Lord of the Rings here? Yeah, you are forgiven. She is spared.

I thought your interview and headliner act was terrific and hope to see another one of your shows. That was one of the coolest fucking days ever, by the way. I fucking got to do my own, did I do my own show that? No, it was a day after I'd finished my show. The next day I got to interview Jerry Seinfeld in a theater in front of, I don't know, a couple thousand people while he promoted the latest season of comedians and cars. Had a great time. And then I walked out the door and had a car service to go over with Josh Adam Myers.

We had to book the car service to go over to the NBA finals to see like game three of the NBA finals. Golden State versus the Cleveland Warriors. and the driver was so cool, he let his smoke cigars in the back. Come on, man. One of the great fucking days of my life. Anyways, I'm glad you mentioned you wanted more women to write into your show. I would love, yeah, because I love trashing you. No, I'm kidding.

I would like to hear what it is you think. I would love if you had more female guests on your podcast. Oh, Jesus. I don't think I've ever had a woman on my podcast. Does that mean I'm sexist? Sexes, sexist? I don't think I actually appeal to women. And I can tell you why, because my shows are sausage fests.

And when I go outside, I can't even tell you how many times somebody will be like, it'll be a couple, and they want a picture, and like the wife or girlfriend takes the picture, and they never want one, just the guy does. So, I mean, I don't know. I think maybe this is just like, I don't know, I'm trying to think of something that's so strictly for guys. like footballs, you know, basically that version. I'm trying to pick something

to actually offend women. Footballs are for everybody. Anyways, I was wondering if you could give me some dating advice. Society generally teaches women at a young age that men are suitors and women are courted. But as a 27-year-old woman who dates women, sometimes it gets particularly difficult

to figure out who does what role, especially if both women are very feminine. Well, at that point, you've got to step it up. Also, just be a staring contest, right? Sometimes these roles just fit naturally, but other times there isn't a clear sense of direction, and the whole thing just falls apart. Well, let me ask you this.

All right, because opposites attract, they always say. And I've dated people who are too similar to me, and it's just, we weren't a yin and a yang, we were two yanks, so we had half the fucking thing taken care of, and the rest was a shank. shit show. So in the lesbian world, all right, if both women are feminine, does that have less

of a chance of making it as a relationship? We want to hear from lesbians. We're taking collars. It's fat, fat, fat. Sometimes these roles just fit naturally, but other times there isn't a clear sense of direction, and the whole thing just falls apart. I'm also not naturally comfortable with approaching

women at bars or social events, and then eventually wait for someone else to make the first move. You got all the power here Because it's all women, right? So there's no fucking There's nothing holding you back here

Other than that voice in your head going, What if she says no? Recently, I feel like I've missed out on some good opportunities for dates because of this. What advice would you give to someone Who isn't used to being the proactive or leading role in a dating situation? Thanks and best wishes to your,

family, oh yeah, and go fuck yourself. Well, why don't you just start hitting on somebody you're not interested in? You know, just as practice. And just say the stupidest, dumbest, most over-the-top shit. I mean, I'm applying to this to as a guy if you're afraid to talk to women. It's kind of like you got to see the humor in it. You got to see the humor in getting up thinking someone gave you a look like, yeah, I'm into you. And you walk all the way over there, and it turns out they or looking at somebody else or whatever you say to them, just completely bombs. And then instantly, in that moment,

you know I should just turn around and walk back to where I was, but just out of some stupid pride, you'll continue to stand there for 10 minutes, adding, rather than ripping the Band-Aid off, just slowly tearing it off, so that person can reject you for another fucking sixth of an hour. Oh, she said, P.S., I've been vegan for six-plus years

and found it does work, it does wonders from my health. Changing my diet literally cured a moderate skin condition I had since I was a child. If you're still curious about giving veganism a trust, a test run, sorry, I'd say, try it out for a month and see how you feel. It definitely works for me,

but I know that's not the case for everyone who tries it. Yeah, I'm trying to be lazy about learning how to do it. where I just like, go to a nutritionist, teach me, you know? I just like hang out with somebody that's, you know, show me some of, just give me a fucking big. You know what? I wish they just had like a giant March madness, like poster for how to be a vegan, like that easy. You know what I mean? Like you look, okay, these two teams play.

Now this team's name's here, so I know it won that game. I wish they could just fucking do that and break it down. And the bracket leads to the finals, which is protein, or it leads to the, the fucking whatever the fuck, whatever else you need. Carbohydrates, I don't fucking know. I swear to God, I am literally going to sue my wife for fucking drugging me here. I can't even keep my fucking thoughts straight at this point.

Girlfriend's arguably racist family. Oh, boy. Oh, Jesus. I'm a black guy in Louisiana with the girlfriend who's white. Her family is very religious and reserved as am I. Although we are kind of religious, her and I, not our families, per se, where we have our beliefs and don't shove them down people's throats. Anyways, the problem is she had a kid with the black guy right before

I met her. All right, she has a type. Her kid is not even six months. He left her high and dry and wants nothing to do with them. Now seeing as we are in the south, I asked her a normal question down here. Is your family okay with you date? a black guy. That question gets asked all over the country, by the way. There's this myth that racism is just down in the south. She was very honest and said,

eh, my mom and dad should be fine. He eats fried chicken every Sunday, so you love him. She said that? My grandparents and that generation, not so much.

She was making, I guess this is a joke. This is one like reading it. You're like, I don't know how this was said. Anyways, fair enough. I'll work with that. The problem is, after she talked me up to her mom, and her mom saw a picture of me, she was like, oh, no, he's black.

You're just going to get hurt. So I don't know if her mom was just inherited. Oh, inherited the racism or if she feels that way because a black guy ditched her pregnant daughter. How do I approach this? They live in the woods. Jesus Christ. This sounds like,

a fucking Tarantino movie. You know, one of those little shorts that he makes, you know? And going back to visit them is kind of sketchy to me. And I haven't told my mom because she'd have an aneurysm. Yeah. Don't go in the woods of

fucking Louisiana to fucking visit some... This feels like get out. Don't fucking do that. And their kid... Yeah, and the chicken... Oh, wait a minute. This is get out. You motherfucker. Is that what this is?

Oh, I've been had. You know what? That's embarrassing. Anyways, rough and rowdy bro. No, wait. Did she get pregnant in that movie? Now, I don't know if that's real or not. Hey, Nia!

Left the scene of the crime. All right. Oh, I got a couple more advertisements to read here. That's going to be the podcast for Monday, July 30th. I'll check in on you on Thursday. Great news.