Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-10-11

Episode Date: January 10, 2011

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about Bruins/Canadians rivalry and big headed Texas girls

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they really lie everywhere, riding the empty baths. But now we're going to the finish, bring them to a B-Bath collection point quickly. You will always find one in your neighborhood on B-Bath.be B-Bath, together, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. How are you? Hello, it's me. Why is that song in my head? Lionel Richie. Lionel Richie. There's a good-looking fella, huh? That was one weird-looking son of a bitch, wasn't it? You know, with his, his Jerry Curl, he had a Jerry Curl, a mullet, and an Afro, all at the same time. Three of, uh, two out of three of the worst fucking haircuts ever. I think the Afro was cool

if you were in the ABA. Other than that, it was probably, uh, just another reason for races to not get along. You know, you're sitting there, you're trying to be open-minded, you're at a fucking sporting event, or maybe at a movie theater, and some guy comes walking in with a big Dr. J Afro. You know, it doesn't have the decency to put that Frederick Douglass part on the side, so maybe you could look down his part and see a little bit of Jaws part two, or whatever the fuck was coming out when people had hair like that, and what it, it creates, um, animosity. See, that's what it is. Everybody thinks it's that slavery stuff. They think it's the Holocaust. That's not what it is. It's the haircuts people. That's why people don't get along. You know, you look at other people's haircuts, and you go, well, what kind of people will get haircuts like that?

You know, and then there's some little psycho in the corner with greasy hair and a weird mustache, and the shit starts. That's how it goes down, people. You might be sitting there right now going, gee, Bill, that was really fucking ignorant. Don't you watch the History Channel? As a matter of fact, I do. I do watch the History Channel. Thank you very much for not asking me and allowing me to create your question in my head. I do watch the History Channel, and there's, there's no history left on that channel. All they show is pawn shop on that channel. I don't know what the fuck is on that. You know, it's just become like every other channel. I was reading something today where they were doing a mini-series on the Kennedys. I, uh, didn't see the bridge, and, uh, am I really going to do a hacky Ted Kennedy? I think I'm going to.

And, uh, we went down to the bottom of the lagoon, and, uh, I took a deep breath. I finger fucked her a couple more times, left her in the car, and swam to the surface. Actually, the size of my head made me so buoyant. I just sort of floated unconsciously, your honor. Uh, yeah, so they had a mini-series about the, uh, the Kennedys, and they canceled it. They canceled it. Yet, for some reason, uh, evidently, if you have a bunch of shit in a storage shed, they want to go down and film it. Um, was that a little social commentary? Is that what I did? Two minutes and 49 seconds into the podcast? Did I really just do some sort of, uh, what is the state of the history channel commentary? I think I did. Um, okay, well, I have an announcement to make, and it's with heavy heart that I have to tell you that my three-week vacation is over.

You know, uh, yeah, it's back to the goddamn grind. And I know a lot of you right now going, three weeks, dude, I get fucking two weeks for the year. Well, you know what? That's your fault. All right? You picked that career. It's a free goddamn country. Go write some fucking jokes, you cunt. Maybe then you, you could take a three-week vacation. And by vacation, what I meant is, uh, I, I didn't have to get on a plane. I didn't have to go to any airports for three weeks. It was awesome. I was actually hanging out with some people, uh, the other day and, uh, they weren't comedians, but they traveled a lot. And we just sat around talking about different airports and it blew my mind how much I knew about all these airports and, uh, places where you could get something decent to eat. And by decent, of course, I mean by airport standards, you know, I know whenever I land in Dallas, I'm going to come down that fucking escalator for my connecting flight.

And there's that awful Mexican restaurant that's right there. And every time I go in there because I'm hungry. And I hope against hope that they're going to have the real cheese and not that cheese with, you know, that cheese come that they put on the burritos. And every time I order a fucking burrito, I said, Hey, listen, this burrito, does it have the real cheese or does it have that nuclear waste cheese with stuff? And the waitress never knows, you know, because who's kidding. If your waitress at an airport, you don't give a fuck. You know, I don't know. Let me go in and ask the chef. Then they go in and they come back. So what's the verdict there? Uh, what's a good Texas fucking name? Tacey, you what's what's the verdict there, sweetheart? Is it the, do you have the real cheese? We certainly down nodding the head, you know, mind fucking you, like you're going to get an, you know, nodding up north means yes, down south, it could mean yes or fuck.

No, why we most certainly do not. We absolutely don't. Ah, with your big fucking. Those big fucking. Texarkana, those Oklahoma that fucking huge white girl face that, that Hugh Hefner loves. He loves those girls, those big panhandle faces. Huge fucking heads. Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, white girls got the biggest, roundest fucking heads I've ever seen in my life.

Jesus fucking Christ. They played football. You couldn't get in my helmet. You'd have, you'd have to custom make helmets for the beautiful bodies. You know, big vanilla titties, huh? That's right. Big vanilla titties. Yeah. Big vanilla titties. They got the, you know, the stars at night are big and bright. Just like my big fucking head. You know, if I just slap the shit out of any woman, I don't, I think I can't. Yeah, I think it'd be some chick from fucking Texarkana, Oklahoma. You know, just get a big 12 ounce club.

Right. Boxing club. Just hit that big fruit cart of a fucking head. All right. Speaking of which, I will be in Addison, Texas now that I've trashed your women, your women. I'm going to be there the last weekend in, in January. So if you get a chance, you know, you know, you put on your best pair of boots. Is that what you guys do out there in Dallas? What are you shitting on? This is the second week in a row. I've shit on people in the, in the greater Dallas area. And I still have the audacity to think that I'm going to sell tickets down there. Jesus Christ. Is this the Chinese year of arrogance? Because that's what I'm feeling.

Anyways, so two more weeks of no boozing and I've made my 100 days. 100 days. I think about you at 100 ways. What was that? Was that a James Addixon song or was that when they were porno for pyros, pyros? Was that Tahitian moon? Is that what I was just singing there? Or was it Bali in my eyes? Am I the, is it anybody else in the podcast? Am I, am I like the only person who ever bought that CD? The second porno for pyros. I like Bali, that song Bali. I like the weird high-pitched singing that Perry Ferrell does in the beginning of it, but I really like the sound of the guitar.

Just in case you were wondering, you were just sitting there going, you know, I wonder what Bill thinks about that obscure track. What is it? The fucking last song, second side. That fucking gives a shit. All right, what the hell am I talking about? Okay, let's, let's talk about something in sports that really fucking bothered me this weekend. I was watching the Bruins-Canadians game, okay? A horrific loss for the Bruins. We were up two to nothing, then we let up two fucking goals and then right in the end and lost in overtime. But this is what pisses me off about the fucking Canadians is Canadians are sort of like, they're like Matthew McConaughey's character and dazed and confused. Remember that guy, the 26 year old guy who's still hanging out at high school wearing his fucking Letterman jacket, asking where the parties are.

That's what they're like. They are a still the most successful NHL franchise in the history of hockey, but they have not dominated the league since pre Gretzky. We're talking 1979. We're talking Jimmy Carter in office. All right, we're talking about the AMC Pacer being a viable option for a car of the future. You know, I just realized because I drive a Prius that I bet if me live my was my age in 1979, I would have bought it. I would have bought a Pacer. I really just learned that about myself. It makes me feel bad. So anyways, just to give you a little bit of history between the Bruins and the Canadians. Canadians kicked the shit out of the Bruins for a good 50 fucking years. All right, dominated the league. We met him in the finals seven times and we never beat him.

And every time we went up to the to the Montreal Forum, they always beat us. And it was like this hex. We just couldn't beat it, right? And this is the weirdest jinx in sports because in 1987, 88, we finally went up to the Montreal Forum. We finally had a better fucking team. Well, a couple of times we had a better team, but we would still lose, but we finally had a better team and we fucking beat him, right? It's over. The fucking hex is over. Oh, thank God, right? Just for better measure, two years later, we beat him again in the fucking playoffs. You know, and then over the next 20 years, we pretty much went tit for tat in the playoffs playoffs. And two years ago, we beat Montreal every fucking game in the regular season.

And then we swept them in the playoffs, the final two games in their own building. Okay, but for some fucking reason, they still always talk about this fucking hex like it's still going on for the life of me. Can somebody hockey fan please fucking explain it and don't even say it's because the Bruins haven't won a cup because we did during that 50 year fucking drought. We won in 70 and we won in 72. That would be like if the Red Sox won it in 70 and 72 and you're still talking about the curse of the babe. I don't know what this fucking curse is. Is it because we haven't beaten them in the finals ever? We can't. They realigned the divisions. We've played them in the playoffs. We've beaten since 87. We're pretty much 50-50 against them.

I don't fucking understand. I understand it when Dan Shaughnessy says something because Dan Shaughnessy, like an 80 year old woman became a sports writer. She would be Dan Shaughnessy because Dan Shaughnessy never talks about the game. Dan Shaughnessy loves ghosts and goblins and fucking urban myths. He's everything about the fucking game. He will talk about all of it. He doesn't know shit about hockey as he actually called for the end of the winter classic this week. He said, you know, it's time to retire the winter classic. This is what I'm more on this guys. He talks about how the first fucking three years were awesome and how he stood next to Bobby Orr, arguably the greatest player of all time. You know, if not top two, if not top three, if you're a cunt, you know.

The fucking arguably greatest player of all time stands next to Dan Shaughnessy when the winter classic was at Fenway Park and he says to Shaughnessy, this is what real hockey is. This is what it is. This is it. This is it. And it's most pure form. This is how we all learned how to play. All right. And then this year, just because, you know, one year that you're going to have bad weather, it was kind of raining out and the ice wasn't good. Shaughnessy says that they should cancel it. He's such a fucking retard. It's like, Dan, those first three years, that's pond hockey in the middle of the winter. What you saw in Pittsburgh is pond hockey at the beginning and the end of the pond hockey season. All right. If you ever fucking played it in your life, you dumbass. The second I saw that Pittsburgh Washington game and I saw the ice surface with those puddles, I immediately was taken back to my youth during, you know, just the beginning when it was just cold enough to play hockey or you were coming into spring.

And what would you do? You'd take big rocks, you'd throw them up in the fucking air, see if they would go through the ice, and then you'd send the fattest fucking out all your friends to walk out on the ice. And if he didn't drown, game on. You'd go out there and you would skate, you know, and if you started losing, you'd try to trip one of your friends into the big puddle. So whatever. So anyway, so I want to know seriously, okay, now Montreal Canadian fans, I'm not disrespecting you guys, you guys, you know, other than the New York Yankees, you're the most successful, you have the most championships. All right. And if I had to rate franchises, I would say Yankees, Lakers, Canadians and then Celtics. I know a lot of Boston fans are going to like that, but this, this is why. All right, Yankees, because they got the most and they've won in every era. Then I would go, I would say I would go Lakers. Just because they've won 10 championships in the last 30 years that, you know, Canadians haven't Yankees haven't. I mean, that's fucking unheard of in the modern era with free agency. That's, that's fucking insane. Well, so I guess I would put that maybe, I would say, okay, well, I don't know where to put the Lakers. How about that?

I would put the Lakers is the best franchise in the last fucking 30 years without a doubt. And now I can't even remember what the fuck I said about the rest of the shit. All right. But I don't understand like what exactly has to happen. How many fucking times do the Bruins have to beat the Canadians in the fucking playoffs? I don't get it. And we've won, we won two Stanley cups during. I just, I don't get it. I absolutely do. I do not fucking understand why every time I watch the Canadians Bruins, they have to bring up something that ended, that fucking ended. Jesus Christ, almost a quarter of a century ago, the Canadians have not dominated the Bruins for any significant amount of time since 86, pre-1986. I don't know if I got the Canadian feed. I have no idea what, but that is the most overrated fucking thing I've ever heard. Overrated fucking thing I've ever heard. And anytime the Canadians win, like they did, came back and won there, they'll be like, you see?

You see? And, but they'll, they'll ignore the fact that we swept them for a whole year and in the playoffs, the final two games in their own fucking building. You know, how come the Red Sox, how come that thing ended? I don't, I don't get it. Shouldn't, shouldn't that, that thing have continued? The whole fucking thing doesn't make sense. It's just this classic thing as a Boston sports fan, which I'm so fucking sick of, is I can't stand, first of all, I don't believe in curses. That whole Dan Shaughnessy old fucking lady thing, where it's such a pussy way of looking things where you literally take your hand off the wheel. You have no control of your destiny because there's a goddamn gremlin under your bed. It's like, isn't it really that aside from fact that Montreal was a tremendous fucking franchise back in the day? All right? As tremendous as they were, the Bruins were horrific.

Wasn't it that, you know, Harry Sinden didn't embrace free agency and he resented, fucking resented the fact that players were now in control. And he absolutely categorically fucking refused to pay anybody top dollar, whether they were worth it or not. Wasn't that, wasn't that more likely than that there was some sort of fucking ghost floating around a fucking hockey arena? I don't know. So whatever. So for the 900th fucking year in a row, I got to watch a Bruins-Canadians game. And despite the fact that the Montreal Canadians are not a factor in the NHL anymore. They're in first place now, but you know what I mean? That they're not an elite franchise anymore.

They're just not. And they haven't been, okay? They haven't won a fucking cup since 93. It's over. It's over. Okay? It's fucking over. I mean, I don't know. I mean, as a Celtics fan, I admit that it's over. It died when Len Baez died. When Len Baez died, it was fucking over and it hasn't come back. Just because we won one since then, it hasn't come back. It's fucking over.

You know, speaking of which, I've actually started to watch a lot of Hoop and I got to tell you something. When the fucking Boston Celtics, I've never seen so many goddamn ace bandages and knee pads in my entire fucking life. I think they have the oldest legs in the NBA. Every one of them is taped from their ankles up to their hips. I don't think that I really just don't see them winning it this year. I don't. I think that... I think Miami Heat's going to do it. I actually think they're going to do it. They're much younger.

Everybody's dressed like Marcus Haynes on the goddamn Celtics. Now, there's an old reference for you, huh? Marcus Haynes, look it up people. He was the magical fucking...the guy in the Globetrotters. Right? He'd slide around on the floor. You know, when black people bitch about fucking Hollywood and that type of shit, do white people, you know, for the stereotypes and the awful roles which they've been given

for decades in Hollywood, you know? Do white people get any sort of credit for being on the Washington Generals and just being absolute stooges? You know what I mean? Just going out there, paid to lose, paid to fall for the same fucking trick every goddamn night. Looking like absolute fucking buffoons, do we get any sort of credit? Can Spike Lee make a tragic film about white people who had to play in the Washington Generals? Can anybody back me on that one?

Back me up people, what's the deal? How far into this fucking podcast am I? 20 goddamn minutes. Alright, so what is there to talk about? You guys...what do you guys want to talk about? There's a headliner right now who has run out of jokes and he's done an hours worth of material in 20 minutes so now he's just going to try to fucking play with the crowd, which I can't do because you're not here. So why don't we read this email under the provocative name Corporate Bullshit.

Dear Bill, recently I had to return some items at the mall. It was the day after Christmas and I was with the girl I was dating, with the girl that I was dating. I had to return some shoes so we went to the journey store where the shoes were bought. When she got to the counter to return the shoes, the girl behind the counter asked her for her name, address, email, and phone number. Oh my god, the amount of fucking people who actually give out that information. My girlfriend just gave the information over as soon as the girl asked for it. Leaving the store, I remarked that I thought it was bullshit that she had to give away personal information to return a pair of shoes. She said it was not a big deal, but I didn't like it.

Why the fuck would you give somebody all that information? And just in case you're new to my podcast, you can say no. I go out to buy shit all the time. Can I have your phone number? No. I don't even try to make it nice. I just say no. And then they go, oh, okay. You know, why do you feel like you've got to give them their information? You're trying to buy something. I'm sorry, I can't sell you this unless I get your information.

Well, then go fuck yourself. I'll buy it somewhere else. I don't even need it anyways. So anyways, he goes, next we go to American Eagle. You guys hit all the hotspot, huh? Then we went to Thinnabon. Next we went to American Eagle where I had to return a shirt that was a gift. There was a long line for returns.

Why'd you return the shirt? Did it not fit or was it ugly as hell or was it both? As I was waiting in line, one of the employees comes up to me with a clipboard with a little form to fill up. Now, is anybody else kind of getting the prison camp vibe here? You know, you're standing in line to get processed and there's a guy coming up. What is your name, please? Your phone number? I stopped the employee and asked her why she needed this information. And she says that it was to verify my purchase.

How fucking dumb are people? You're going to verify my purchase? Well, here's the sales slips there, sweetheart. This verifies it. That's it. I don't know what to tell you, why don't you and your clipboard, why don't you hold that clipboard between your little fucking beef curtains and take a fucking walk down the street? How about that, huh, sweetheart?

There's no reason to use that type of language. Go fuck yourself. How about I fucking grab that ponytail and just... No, let's keep it clean this week, shall we, people? Anyway, he goes, before I could protest further, she said that I could just put my name on it. Oh, on the clipboard? When she walked away, I pulled out the gift receipt and said to my girlfriend,

oh, here it is, yeah, this is what verifies my purchase, exactly. The clipboard employee wasn't as far as way as I thought she was and heard me say... Did I read that wrong? Yeah, heard me say this and she began to explain further why I needed to give over the information. This is the part of the email I hate. He goes, I apologized and told her I realized it wasn't her and that it was just her company's policy that she was enforcing.

She walked away again. I felt bad so the next time I saw her, I apologized and said I realized that she was just doing her job but she ignored me. She was probably pissed because it was the day after Christmas and I was causing her grief, but she could at least accept my apology, you bitch. I love how you go from being totally liberal and seeing somebody's fucking side of it to being, yeah, man up, you cunt. Anyway, I got up to the counter and there wasn't any further problems. The guy at the register just took my name and didn't ask me for anything.

I felt as though I had a small victory against the big corporations. Then this week, I had to go back to the store to return a hat my girlfriend got. Did you guys not make Christmas lists or are all your relatives blind? This seems to be a lot of returning of gifts. This is hilarious. You're returning a hat that your girlfriend got. Dude, how horrific was that hat? Can you please send me a picture of it? If you took one before you returned it. A picture of one of those plaid Charlie Chaplin hat.

I had the receipt, but again, the girl at the register asked me for my address and phone number. I said I didn't want to give that information to her. Immediately panic sets in on her face and she says that I have to. I said that I didn't have to the day after Christmas and I wasn't going to now. I said for you, she calls over a coworker and they both get defensive and hold to the idea that I have to give over my information in order to return a stupid hat. Even though I had my receipt, I asked why and they let me slide. Why did they let me slide on this before and they maintained that I had I had to give them my name address and phone number. So what did I do in the face of corporate opposition?

I caved and I gave it to him. You fucking pussy. Do the second you saw the panic on their face. You knew that they were going to lose. All right. He goes, I just don't get it Bill. Why is a receipt not enough nowadays? It is enough.

They say they need our personal information to verify a purchase. They're not dude. They're not. All right. All of that shit. All those little save. You know, you want to get when our discount store, they're creating a file on you. They figure out what you want to buy, what they can market towards you and then they take that information and they sell it to other fucking companies.

Even though they say they're not going to, they sell your information. Your information gets up on the internet and that's why there's all these creepy websites out there right now that have all this fucking information about you, about, you know, how many siblings you have, your brothers and sisters names. They all use that information to fucking, it's, I'm telling you. Don't give them your information. You don't have to give them your information. And people out there who just have this fucking attitude towards these corporations just sitting there going like, well, you know, what do they got? You mean as long as you're not doing anything wrong? I mean, what do I care if they know where I live?

What do I care? Just fucking morons. I don't even, I've explained this shit till I'm blue in the face and then I always get these emails from these people. They just, I don't know. I said something the other day, you know, I was listening to Sports Radio, you know, because I'm a deep thicker, right? And this new guy got on Sports Radio out here in Los Angeles and, you know, he does what most people do when they have nothing to say, which is they just start, they just go over the top arrogant. You know what I mean? Like he was talking about how he wanted to get some sort of sports coach or personality on the show, but he doubted he could get him as a guest because the guest hated him.

And he goes, you know, because I disagreed with him on something. He was talking to a coach and he was actually disagreeing with the, with the fucking coach. He's disagreeing with the guy and he goes, you know what the problem is, you know, he goes like, I'm just like such a good debater. I actually end up like convincing myself of my own opinion. He actually said that over the airwaves and I just sort of muttered to myself that the confidence of morons is staggering. You know what I mean? Morons think they know everything. That's what makes them fucking morons.

And like the emails I get with people who don't question this shit, which is, I don't know, like last week when I went off for my little fucking rant there, just some of the fucking emails I get. It's like people are sending me shit that kind of is backing up what I'm saying and then telling me that it sound like I have tinfoil on my fucking head, which obviously I am out of my fucking mind on some level. But I'm not out of my mind when I don't trust corporations and I don't trust them when they say we're not going to do anything with this information. The other day I was in CVS and I go to buy something and the lady asked me that I have a save card and I said no. She said, do you want one? And I said no. And she goes, well, that's okay.

I'll just, and she swiped the fucking thing anyways. And I was like, lady, what did I just say to you? Now, see, if I use my credit card, they'd have my name and then to match up to that fucking number and what the hell I just bought and just a little bit more information me about me. And my question to all you people who have these, this faith in these corporations, why does that person do that? Why are they so hell bent on trying to make that corporation less money in that moment? They give me this card. You know, like everybody has those cards. So you're not saving any fucking money.

It's just, it's a big fucking shell game to make it seem. Oh, look, you're saving money. What they're really doing. Yeah, look at this hand over here as you're giving them all your personal fucking information that they can then use to very least sell the other corporations to increase junk mail. And also to limit your fucking level of privacy. The fact that they can put all that shit up in the goddamn internet. People have been sending me these random websites where they have like your name and your address, where you fucking live and all this type of shit. It's like, how do you think that they get all that information?

Do you think there's somebody sitting there with a phone book and just typing all of this shit in? I don't know. I don't fuck it. If some, let's, what kills me? If some fucking random creepy guy, you know, you're standing there waiting for the subway, came up to you, asked you what your name, your phone number and your address was, would you give it to him? No, but for some reason you're inside of a fucking store and there's socks and sweaters. And somebody has a name tag. Now all of a sudden you give them total fucking trust.

You're out of your mind. So, sir, don't cave in. All right. All you just say that's unacceptable. That's unacceptable. I want to speak to the manager. What they're doing, it's not legal yet. It's not legal yet, but I can guarantee you there's somebody lobbying for it.

That in Washington, there's some sort of fucking high-powered lobbying group. I swear to God, it's probably lobbying that from here on out, we need to have a law that if you're going to return a hat, you have to give us your name, your address and your social security number just so there's not another 9-11 could guarantee it. So, yeah, you don't have to. That's actually one of the highlights of my day. What I do now is when they say, do you have a little savey-save card? And I say, no, I don't. Would you like one? No, I don't.

I then say, and please don't swipe another one. You know? And then I try to pay with cash. I love cash. Cash is fucking anonymous. All you guys out there who are sitting there watching these commercials where they make it look like credit cards are so fucking easy. You're idiots. You're buying into exactly what they want you to buy into, which is a cashless society so they can keep track of where you are at all fucking times and every last fucking dime that you make so they can get their greedy little fucking hands on it.

You're out of your mind and you're giving up an unbelievable amount of fucking privacy by creating a paper trail everywhere you go. Everywhere you go, what you're doing, where you're at. You know? And the sea of morons who are going to sit there and go, whoa, if you ain't doing anything wrong. I mean, I guess maybe I'm a paranoid psycho. You look at all these fucking idiots who do reality TVs and they let cameras come into their house and they don't seem to care about it. Maybe the average jackass doesn't give a shit. But sir, for the love of God, you know, in the end, he says, I'm not crying conspiracy.

It's very plain to see what they're doing. It's not malicious or evil. Yes, it is. It is malicious and it is evil and it is a conspiracy. They're conspiring to get everybody's information. Find out what they buy and they're lying to you saying that they're not going to share the information. It's everything that you're saying it's not. It is.

All right. And that's it. That's two weeks in a row. I'm on the soapbox. See, people, don't you like it better when I talk about sports? Anyways, let's talk about football this week. You're going to hear me say something this week that I've never said before ever on a podcast. I feel bad for Peyton Manning.

Peyton Manning got fucked this week by his own goddamn coaching staff. He played a great goddamn game when they needed a score. He drove him right down the fucking field. If that bum caught that ball, they were right in there and even still. And by the way, Adam Vinitari, it's a shame that Jets won the goddamn game because that guy is the most money kicker of all time. I was actually joking with my buddy when I was watching the game. I was saying that the most pussy ever gotten by a professional kicker has to be Adam Vinitari. It's got to be.

It's got to be. And I actually learned that there's no kicker in the NFL Hall of Fame and there's no fucking way. It's just a shame, not because I even thought I hate the Jets. It's a shame that the Jets won that fucking game because people are going to forget that he actually hit that fucking 50 yard a man. Right down the fucking middle. Right down the middle. But I was right there with Peyton Manning when he had his hands out. When the fucking Colts called time out with 29 seconds to go.

Can somebody explain why the fuck they did that? And don't even say, well at that point they realized the Jets were going to kick a field goal and they wanted to make sure that what? They'd have 17 seconds to get down the fucking field. There wasn't going to be enough time. There wasn't going to be enough time. You had a second year quarterback who fucking had that deer in the headlights look. He was overthrowing all his fucking receivers. You take a time out, you give him a chance to gather himself for their coaches to give him the next three plays so he can fucking relax and what comes to comes right out.

He hits a fucking 18 yard pass and that's the end of the game. And when Peyton was sitting there with his hands out like, what the fuck are we calling time out for? It was the one time I actually felt bad for that guy. I just sat there and I was going, I think they're in the process of losing this fucking game. Not just giving the game away. It was fucking brutal. Absolutely brutal. So there you go.

Peyton Manning did not lose that game. He fucking stepped it up. He played a hell of a goddamn game and I actually feel bad for the guy that he lost. And if I'm going to be honest, now that I think about it about five, six years ago, you know, he drove his team down the field and their idiot kicker would talk shit about Peyton choking in the playoffs. And he missed the fucking field goal. So there's two years, two losses. I won't blame Peyton Manning for. All right.

There you go. See that? Look at me trying to be a little more forgiving in this year. And I realized this week too that I've been feeding into exactly what Rex Ryan wants, which is people just talking about him. You know, what are the odds you think you think he's going to say something outrageous this week? It's really like watching Madonna's career. You know, when you have a woman who has a mediocre voice and has made mediocre music for the last 30 fucking years, yet somehow, whenever she wants to be is in the news. And you know why?

Because she knows when to take her clam out. All right. She knows when to go on Letterman and say fuck 38 times during an interview. You know, when you really think about Madonna, what does it have to do? Oh, wow. Look how good shape she's in. Did you see when she did the book and she fucking spread her legs? You know, did you see when she said fuck on Letterman?

Did you see when she did the video and fucking Jesus was black and then she kissed him? Of course. That's what you talk about. What are you going to talk about? I feel like I'm going to lose my mind. Really 30 year career off of that horseshit. What's his face is doing the same thing. He's doing the exact same fucking thing.

Dropped a bunch of F bombs during hard knocks. That was his Letterman episode. All right. He put a wig on that was him showing his clam. And then then he made a controversial video. Other than that, he lost the division backed into the fucking playoffs playoffs. Yeah, I don't know. You know, you don't realize this week.

I didn't even know what the name of the coach was for the Atlanta Falcons. I've given this guy no hype whatsoever. Mike Smith, I had actually had to look it up. This is a guy who went 13 and three who actually has has actually has a franchise quarterback in Matt Ryan. He actually has a franchise quarterback. You know, but it's not in New York. So who gives a fuck, right? With that, my predictions for the week.

Pittsburgh Ravens. I have no fucking idea. Patriots jets. I have no fucking idea. Just for the simple fact, I have no idea which defense the Patriots are going to show up with, you know, I am not a guy. If you realize that I'm not a guy who buys into hype. That's why I have not bought into Rex Ryan for half a fucking second. And that's why also when the Patriots won 45 to three, I didn't go, well, there you go.

Because I realized we also lost 28 to 14. I also know that we suck against the run. So I think if we're going to win, I'll tell you from the Patriots, I got to be thinking I got to stop LT. No, seriously, if we can stop the run and go up by a good 10, 14 fucking points and put Sanchez into a situation where he feels like he has to make a play, we're going to be, we're going to be, we're going to be all right. That's what we need to do. That's what we need to do. And I have faith that we're going to fucking do that.

I hope for the love of fucking God. Because if we don't, you're going to listen to the sounds of a blubbering jackass next week on this fucking podcast. And that is it. So that's it. I'm really hoping. Oh, look at this. Look at this. I got some offers coming in.

I got some offers coming in. Here we go. Where, where am I going to be performing? Oh, by the way, I'm actually in the process of getting a Detroit and Milwaukee date. Now, I have not played in Detroit since I did the rich bitch tour way back in the day with Charlie Murphy and Ashley Larry. And I have not played Milwaukee ever. I know I did a college in that area because a long time ago I went to a bucks game. But what else do I got going on there?

Of course, I don't get the fucking internet here. My bedroom. What the hell's wrong with me? I'm stepping up my life in 2011 people. All right, let's go with YouTube videos for the week. All right. Oh, here's something. I've been, you know, watching a lot of basketball lately.

And Kareem Abdul-Jabbar always gets credit for inventing the skyhook. And I always took that as law. And I was just like, yeah, the guy invented the skyhook. Wow, people must have been like, what the fuck? You know, they went from the set shot to that, you know, the way they traditionally shoot now with the one hand, the other hand, guiding the ball. And then he comes out with that shit. People must have just been like, where the fuck did that come from? And then I was looking at some old Celtics video and that was sort of a shot that people already took in the 60s, but they did it from their hip.

And it was one of the gayest looking shots you're ever going to see. You just sort of jumped in the air, had one leg up in the air, bent at the knee. Like, I don't think that there's a physical way to do that shot without going weeee as you threw it. But he just sort of, he changed it where he didn't shoot it from the hip. He just put it over his fucking head. So there you go. Here's a nice conspiracy theory one from people in, I believe in Seattle. You go to a Seahawks game.

They have a large beer and a small beer and the large beer is like $1.75 more. They come in two different glasses. So somebody filled up a small glass with water and poured it into the large glass and it filled it all the way up. It was classic. The small glass is a little fat one and the other one's nice and tall. So you think you're getting more and you're not and they charge you next to $1.25. Somebody made a video of it. What else?

What other videos do I have here? Oh, this is one from a new website. TotallyCrap.com. They got a lot of good videos and there's one there called 5-Minute Fight. All of these, by the way, will be up on themmpodcast.com. And what else? Oh, this one is a video also on TotallyCrap.com. And it's also an underrated and it says underrated ass whoopin.

So many things would be solved if people would start their kids outright. And the name of this video is Old School Ass Whoopin. And I don't know how to describe this other than this father puts on a video camera. He makes his kid tell him he's not going to be in a gang and he starts beating him with the belt. And the kid tells his dad he's not the gang's a bullshit. And he goes, don't tell me, tell it to the fucking camera. And he continues to beat his ass with the belt. It's sad, it's funny, it's everything you want it to be.

And then there's another video that I saw right after that. It's 5-Minute Fight. And this fight is fucking hilarious. These two white kids, they're calling each other bitch and they're calling each other the n-word. And I swear to God, they might both throw 700 punches and I think they miss 698 each. It's the classic thing where you've got two people who want to fight. They don't know how to fight and all they know is they want to punch the other person in the face

but they don't want to get hit in the face. So they won't commit to coming inside and they're just sort of punching the atmosphere around the other guy's head. Or as I like to say, an NBA basketball fight. You ever watch how NBA basketball players fight for the most part? They pull their head behind their shoulders and then they throw punches like they're trying to throw a fucking baseball from the outfield to home plate. Alright, I'm just really just giving information this week. I don't feel like I'm fucking...

Oh, here we go. Nope, that was from last week. Oh for Christ's sake, you cooked a shit out of it. What the hell am I here? Where the fuck is my underrated overrated for the week? Oh, overrated underrated. Here we go. Overrated. NFL celebrations. Seriously, how many times do we have to see these unoriginal athletes do the jump and the chest bump after a touchdown? It's been done so much, it's become lackluster and automatic. Remember the throat slash they would all do before the NFL banned it for being too violent a gesture?

I remember even Brett Favre doing that one and still managing to come off too white when he did it. Or what about the fact that the celebrations aren't even regulated to touchdowns anymore? Every sack, tackle, first down and catch, warrants a dance and a hey, look at me moment for the player. This is the NFL. I expect defenses to wrap a guy up and make a tackle. I expect the receivers to catch the ball. They need to show some class and act like they've done it before. Not to mention, yeah, I'm totally with you on that. You get that hole every time you catch a pass and then you get up and you got it, you know. The Jerome Bettis was the guy who always stands out in my head where he would fucking, you know, his first 10 carries, he'd get like 12 yards

and then he'd rip one off for like 11 and then he'd get up and start stomping around taking off his fucking chin strap. I can't stand that shit. Braylin Edwards does that shit, you know, drops like nine passes and then catches one for a first down gets up fucking. It's the worst thing ever. The key Sean, the key Sean Johnson, when you stomp around and you take off your fucking chin strap. It's like, well, I, I, I hate that shit. I hate it. I can't say I don't mind. Actually, if you catch a touchdown, you do a little fucking dance. Actually, I've always liked that shit. But like the, the first, you know, what's even worse is when your team is kicking the shit out of another team and then the other team makes a good defensive play and then that guy gets up screaming at the people in the end zone.

It's like, dude, you're, you're, you're down 28 to six. All right. Why don't you go back to the defensive huddle and figure out why the fuck you weren't doing that for the first three and a half quarters. You know, so I go with you. I'm, uh, yeah, I'm over all of that shit. And, uh, I think the worst thing I saw this year was the Tiocho show where you had a team that was absolutely shitting the bed. Yet their two best players had the time to do a reality show, uh, during the fucking, uh, during the season. Do you think Bill Belichick would put up with that? Do you think that those guys would not be shipped out for third round draft picks? It's, it's unfucking believable the level of disrespect that that is to do that fucking show during the goddamn season as you proceed to lose fucking eight games in a row. Uh, oh, and then you go on the show and you throw your coaches under the bus. There you go.

Um, and for those of you who wonder why Randy Moss was traded for a third round draft pick, that's why. Because of that type of shit, because it's really, it's just not worth it. Like you ever see a beautiful girl in a bar? Okay. Or whatever. Or you start dating a beautiful girl and no matter how hot she is, she's just such a cunt. It's not fucking worth it. She's just so fucking high maintenance. That's what all those players are like in all the, all the, all those types of sports. It's at the end of the day, no matter how fucking good they are, they're just not worth it. They're just not worth it. Kind of like listening to the rest of this podcast. It's really not worth it. I feel like I haven't had anything to say for the last fucking 12 minutes. All right, underrated, uh, baseball's code. Although it's definitely borderline juvenile sometimes. I do like that in baseball, if you show up a picture by celebrating your home run a little bit too much, you can guarantee he's throwing at you the next time you're up.

I like that players get to police themselves a little bit. Well, sir, why don't you come over to the NHL? You'd love NHL hockey. You just basically described why there's fighting in hockey and why, that's why hockey's awesome. And, uh, you know, because they let the players police each other. And I know people who don't like the NHL, they're going to be like, by fighting, yes, by fighting. It has to be done. Okay, you got a guy skating around the ice at fucking 20 miles an hour with the goddamn club in his hand. Okay, if you don't slap the shit out of him every couple of games, he's going to hurt somebody severely. You know, so that's, that's, that's what needs to be done. You know, think of all the piece of shit players that are cheap fucks in the NBA, all right, in the NFL and all that. Just imagine if they actually had a club in their head and they could walk up to your best player and just fucking slam them over the head right in the fucking grill or in the side of his fucking leg. You know, you'd have to beat the shit or you have to be allowed to beat the shit out of that guy so it wouldn't happen.

And I know what you guys were thinking, well, if anybody does that, just ban him for life out of the league. Well, then you would end up with nobody playing hockey because I don't know what it is. If you've ever played hockey, there's something about it. It's just a very physical game and at some point you're going to think about it. That motherfucker gets you for like the fifth goddamn time. You just, that's, you got this club in your hand and you just, I'm going to fucking come over there. I'm just going to fucking take two hander right to his fucking neck, but you don't because their biggest player will come over there and beat the living shit out of you in front of your fucking girlfriend or wife who's in the stands. See, did that make sense? Speaking of which, I'm actually playing hockey tonight and yes, I do suck. I am a pond hockey player. I can only go frontwards and cross over on one side, but okay, I got the helmet with the full cage, you know, that's usually a sign that someone's going to be a cheap piece of shit.

Anybody who has all the extra padding, that's because they know somebody's going to come up and try to retaliate so they want to make sure that they're extra protected. I actually wear it because I know that my, if I was ever going to make it to the NHL, it would have happened by now. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that as a 42 year old, I don't think I'm going to make it. So there's really no point in me getting the required 18 stitches that starts above my upper lip, goes through my lips and comes down. Remember the Gary Galley one? That was the most insane fucking scar I've ever seen. Gary Galley, former Bruin. He's playing for the Boston, then he went to the Kings, right? He's playing for the Bruins. He's in front of the net. Somebody gets cross checked in that chest. The guy, like, he gets hit so hard that both his legs fly up into the air.

He's like in the air in the seated position. He basically kicks Gary Galley in the face with his skate. Just sort of, like, as his legs are going up, the blade of the guy's skate catches Gary Galley's fucking chin, goes right through both his lips and right up the side of his face. And he had stitches from, I think, the side of his nose right down and right through both lips. Down. That was one of the worst ones I ever saw. And, you know, and I think that's good to conclude one of the worst podcasts I've ever fucking done. I felt like Sanchez during this whole podcast. At no point did I feel comfortable. I don't feel like I settled down. I feel like all my jokes went 10 feet over everybody's fucking head.

And if I could have handed this mic off to somebody for the second half of it, you know, and let somebody kick the last joke through the uprights, I would have. Ah, fuck, I gotta redeem myself. Did anything funny happen to me this week? I went out, I looked at some houses. I think I'm getting ready to go right back on the wheel again. You know, after talking about having no goddamn debt, I'm thinking about just going out and buying a house, maybe buying a fucking car. I want to buy something. You know, I want to fill the void like only an American can. Somebody sent me an email talking about how America's over.

You know, talking about how China is now down there, now they're going to be the shit. And you know what I say? Well, it's about fucking time. You know, China. How many goddamn fucking people do you have to make before you can take over some shit? China, that's the most overrated goddamn fucking country out there. You know, they got like a third of the world's population. How the fuck are you not the best? You should have the best guitar players, the best singers, the best actors, the best scientists, just out of sheer fucking numbers. What have you guys been doing over there?

You've been slacking off. Slacking off with your fucking awful food on your dirty goddamn restaurants. Do you know I won't eat Chinese food because of that? I'm not saying Chinese people are bad food. Bad people. Bad people. That was like a Jeffrey Dahmer comment. I'm not saying Chinese people are bad food. I'm not saying that they're bad people. I'm not saying they're not smart. I'm just saying I lived in New York City and I used to be a fan of Chinese food. I am not a fan anymore, all right?

And until they start getting some clean goddamn restaurants out there, I'm not fucking eating at them. That's it. I'm not saying you're bad people. I'm just saying what the fuck? Filthy. I'll only eat Chinese food. Who's kidding who? If I'm shit-faced, I'll eat anything. I don't give a fuck. But if I'm sober, the only way I'll eat Chinese food is if it's a cloth napkin, sit down, nice fucking place. All right? And to be fair, that's why I don't eat barbecue.

I'm not going into those goddamn shacks with those fucking flies. The size of goddamn bumblebees. I'm not going in there. And I get it. That's the whole, you eat poor people food. Yeah, it looks like it. It looks like it. It looks like you've been dominated on some fucking level. Oh, with the dirty floors and the peanut shells. Fuck barbecue and fuck Chinese food. All right? I actually had some Lebanese food yesterday, which is just sort of all like Middle Eastern food,

like that chicken kebabs and all that stuff was fucking insane. To bully salad. All right? I sign off on that. I sign off on Indian food. I sign off on, these are all the ones I'll give you that I like. I like Japanese. I'll go with Korean barbecue. I'll go with that. Thai food. I like that shit. Chinese, I think Chinese food is the only one I won't fuck with, you know? And I'm Mexican food. Mexican food has to be a certain cut or I'm not fucking with it, you know?

When you go to some of those little shit shacks there and they got the refried beans and it just looks like, you know, it's like does the health department even know this place exists? Okay? This is like a restaurant slash. It's like you turn the garage of your house into a fucking burrito factory. I'm not eating here. Macro Lexi gives me shit because I'll never get Chinese food, you know? And she thinks that there's something like borderline racist that I won't eat Chinese food. It's like I have no problem with those people, you know? That's like overly thinking something.

What I'm saying is, is I want a clean goddamn restaurant. Is that so wrong? All right, that's the podcast for this fucking week. I don't know. Am I wrong about that shit? I just, when I think Chinese food, I think dirty restaurant. That's what the fuck I think because that has been my experience. So go ahead. We're going to take the next caller after this break. Hey, what would you guys do if I started doing commercials on my podcast as a way to make money? If right in the middle of calling somebody a cunt, I just did something for like true value hardware.

Do they still exist or were they bought out by Best Buy? Do they still exist? All right. Anyways, oh, you know what? I actually forgot tonight. I can't say this shit because I'm, I, I, I... No, fuck it. I'm going to say it. I'm actually going to go see one of my favorite drummers of all time tonight. And Jojo Mayer is doing a drum clinic and I'm going to go check that shit out. And if you want to see this guy, drummers out there, you got to fucking check this guy out. This is going to, I'm going to have this up on themmpodcast.com.

It's Jojo Mayer performing. He plays like that drum and bass music. And it's him performing at the, I believe 2005 Martin Drummer Festival. It's just a three minute clip. He could do like a roll with one hand. He's got that push pole molar thing. I don't know what the fuck he's doing. But this guy is the shit. And I'm actually starting to like, I can't get into drum and bass, but I'm downloading some of his shit just because it's played by human beings. And I'm actually fascinated with drum and bass because it melds both the capabilities of technology

and then the abilities of human beings to adapt to the technology and raise their level of performance. Remember that time when I told you guys about that whole, how drum and bass music, that whole video that basically explained it, it was like a fucking drum break from a B side of a 45. And then DJs took that drum loop, isolated every sound and then switched it all up and created a whole bunch of different beats and then sped it up to the point that no human being could play it until a guy like Jojo Mayer sat down and figured out how to fucking do it. It's incredible. It's absolutely incredible. I'm going to watch that guy tonight. I'm going to get my ass kicked out on the ice tonight playing hockey.

And that's it. I'm going to be in New York and I'm going to be doing spots around the city before I go down to Atlantic City so I make sure that I am in shape for my big gig down there with Jim Norton, Jim Brewer and David Tell. And I will probably be popping in at Gotham Comedy Club. I will be popping in at the Comedy Cellar and Stand Up New York and the Comic Strip and Danger Fields. I'm going to be doing the whole fucking loop like I used to back in the old days. Back in the old days, which I guess they don't do that anymore. Now they book the clubs a month out and they just want you to work at the same club the whole week.

But back in the day, you used to work like three, four clubs if you could on a weekend and you'd have a 9 o'clock here, a 9.45 at another club, a 10.20 here, an 11.30 here all the way to like 2 o'clock in the morning. And you'd get $50 a spot and you'd blow like a third of it on cabs just driving all around the city and you'd have a new idea for a bit and in one night you could hash it out. I think the most I ever did, I do like eight sets in a night. It was fucking unbelievable. And it just caused you to write because you didn't want to say the same thing eight times in one night.

And you could flesh out a bit. I mean that was basically like doing, you know, on most headline weekends you only do six shows. So you would get eight shows on average six. I like doing an entire weekend worth of shows in one night as far as running that same new bit. And it's incredible. And I wish the New York clubs would go back to doing that because I really think that that was the system that created all the great comics that I watched when I came to New York. That's just my, that's my two cents and I'm fucking sticking with it.

That's it. You guys watched 60 Minutes by the way. That just reminded me of fucking Andy Rooney. We watch that every week, me and Nia, and we just laugh our asses off at that curmudgeonly old bastard and what the fuck is going on with his upper lip. It's receded on both sides yet the middle part still is fleshy. So now it looks like he has a pimple. It's upper lip. All right, I got nothing people.

I'm talking about fucking Andy Rooney's upper lip. Okay, the podcast is over Bill. Tap out. It's over. Oh, congratulations to Pete Carroll. I was wrong about that. Docker wearing white shoes, Jerry Seinfeld, sneaker son of a bitch. They came out to fucking play.

Worst defense performance I've ever seen with the Saints. And I don't know. I don't even know who the fuck they're playing next week. I'm just hoping that my Patriots, I'm praying that we're going to beat the Jets because I have no fucking idea which defense is going to show up. But I'll tell you, from the Patriots, I gotta be thinking. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Everybody have a great week. Don't give out your information to these fucking corporations for the love of God.

And if you want to, go ahead and do it, stupid. All right, go ahead and do it. But then don't be surprised when, you know, some psycho you dated from high school is standing on your front porch and has your fucking, all your information. All right, I couldn't even finish that sentence. Who gives a fuck? Go fuck yourselves. Do you choose a second-hand car on instinct or with your understanding? With the choice for a BMW with the BMW Premium Selection Certificate, you let yourself be guided by both.

Because its quality, it feels like you. And that it's reliable, you know that. Above all, you now enjoy a four-year warranty on your certified second-hand car. BMW Premium Selection. Trust your instinct, follow your understanding. Information and information on bmw.be