Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-10-22

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

Bill rambles about his vacation, the Apple Watch, and the great Bob Saget. Butcher Box: For a limited time ButcherBox is offering new members a great deal for the New Year! Sign up at ButcherBox.com/BURR, and you’ll receive the Ultimate New Year’s Bundle in your first box. Truebill: Don’t fall for subscription scams. Start canceling today at Truebill.com/burr. It could save you THOUSANDS a year. Stamps.com: Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale. No long-term commitments or contracts

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast from Monday, August 10th 2022 22 Was that the naked gun steer? Right to to to what's going on? How are you? How was your day going? How was your weekend? Did you have a good time and everything? Well, that's awesome. I am on vacation vacatione I have been doing shift for the last three four days. I caught a little bit of the the Cowboys game

against Who did they play there? They played the the so-and-so's I saw the end of the chiefs Broncos And the Cowboys played the Eagles That's right gave them a good old-fashioned beatdown for the unprecedented 17th game You know Of the season can you imagine the records that are gonna fall they get an extra game every year I Imagine at some point they get done throwing the fucking ball and every down

I would think Eric Dickerson rushing yards in a season You know, they're gonna bring out the asterisk the Roger Maris asterisk. Well, he only did it in 60 games You know, OJ Simpson Say what you want about his personal life the man rush for 2003 or four yards in a 14 game season It's almost as if when the man puts his mind to something Nothing can stop him Sorry

Anyway, I have no idea what's going on. I am out in the middle of nowhere I could turn on the TV and I guess I could watch some sports from kind of enjoying myself just shutting it down Just taking stock Yeah, I just been chilling out out here in the wilderness with my lovely wife For the last couple of days and by the time you hear this we will be back To the nut house that is LA, but I'll be honest with you, you know I'll be honest with you a day and a half. I'm you know I'm ready to get back

I'm a lunatic. I don't know what it is because then I feel like after like Two three days, this is a three-dayer, right after three days, then I never want to go back Day and a half. I'm like, all right. I feel good. I feel relaxed. I can still go back and do this This shit, right and then after like three days. I'm just like, what does it all mean? I mean Time's going by and just the fuck Gonna write another hour his shit jokes For the people Um, bill, you don't write for the people you write for yourself your selfish bald cunt. There we go. Sorry. See you didn't even need to do it

By the way, um, I don't know how I miss this probably because I never watched the news or anything I didn't realize the great mic nesmith from the monkeys passed away in december and I was Working I was going to go see them at the greek theater Um, when then the two surviving members mickey dolens and mic nesmith were playing and um I was so sad to hear that news

I really was but really also admired the way that man seemed to live his life where he really did what he wanted to do He created what he wanted to create and um He just operated at a really high level and then not to mention um The monkey show itself was such a huge thing for me when I was a kid because it combined two things I love the most comedy and music and um

I don't know that's that was a that's a tough one man I love those guys to know that there's only one guy left Holy mackerel. It's why you gotta live your life, man um But anyway Yeah, rest in peace mic nesmith and uh Peter torque died a couple years ago. I want to say in like 2019 2018 2019 and davie jones passed away a long time ago. I feel like in the 2000s or something

um Unreal I remember making this joke when I was in liverpool even though I was sad about the death I still had to make a joke. I did a gig in liverpool and peter torque had just died And liver pulls the home of the beetles and I was just like, all right Two beetles are dead two monkeys are dead. Who's gonna win, right? It gotta laugh but now I'm thinking the beetles were up two dead members to none

And the monkeys have come roaring back To make it three to two Will the beetles get the equalizer what am I doing? Sorry, um Anyway What else are you gonna do just dwell in the sadness of it speaking of dying in age? I saw one of the dumbest fun I can't say the dumbest fucking things but like a typical stupid thing that was trending on the internet It was about some supermodel who was in her fifties

And they were going she had the audacity to age Like that's like a new like liberal fucking they love the word audacity She had the audacity to have a thought You know He was a man and had the audacity to want to be a woman like they love throwing that fucking word around so It's this whole article about a supermodel who evidently is in her fifties And I think her her husband died or something

So now she's going out into the clubs and she never got Botox and she's bitching that in her fifties nobody's looking at her It's like yeah, you're in your fifties No one younger wants to fuck that i'm sorry And she was acting as though it was some sort of unique experience Like somehow a man in his fifties fifties can walk into a club and start banging like young chicks are like, oh my god They're not you're 50 you're gross get out Unless you own the place get out of here stop being a creep going out to the club yet let young people have their fucking time

I know those women She's a predator She's a fucking predator. She's gonna take all this money. That's why she's there. She is choosing Money and stability over love. There's three types of people out there in the dating scene. There's people who are actually looking for love There's people that marry for looks And there's people that marry for money slash stability And those people that marry for looks And they marry for money

Usually get spit out the other end one on on some side of a divorce in their fifties and then they go out there And they wonder why nobody gives a fuck anymore. It's it's it's cause you're old People my age still trying to be like Sexy is just it's fucking how don't you remember what it was like as a younger person To see somebody coming in with their lizardy skin you know Or how creeped out the women were when some older cologne stinking guy came walking in it was just the dumbest thing ever And plus also I just feel like you know

That's just like a classic fucking You know female thing where when it works for you, it's all good and then when it doesn't you need to change it It's just like you were a super model. How many cover charges have you paid in your life? How many drinks did you actually fucking have to buy? When you were young and gorgeous and now you're fucking old and now all of a sudden you want the saloon doors ain't swinging the way they Used to be in a where we're all supposed to fucking feel bad I don't know. Sorry. I hate to tell it. You're in your 50s. So your options are to get with someone who looks like me An old

bald orange man That's your wheelhouse You know what I mean? Well, you could try to find love. She was like upset that she I evidently that she was walking into the club and guys in their 30s Didn't give a shit. Yeah, they don't They don't the same way when you were in your 30s You didn't want some fucking bald orange guy in his 50s being like, hey, baby. What's your sign? Oh, god, get away from me. I'm fucking young and benefit, right? And then all of a sudden

You know She starts getting up in there, you know Into the old bitch did nothing too. She still looks great. That's what's funny. She still looks fucking great So I don't know like I'm supposed to somehow uh make a super model feel good about her looks Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You weren't One of the most beautiful women on the planet for your entire life. God that that must be so difficult So of course that sends me down this uh

This fucking rabbit hole Which is the usual thing women acting women like that acting as though only bad things happen to women and that guys Uh fucking guy could be 117 years old. He's got 22. I go for that. No, that's not what happens If he has a billion dollars, he does and she's fucking She's putting fucking uh, I don't know Salmonella and his goddamn eggs or whatever. Can you do that? Can you buy salmonella? Sorry, I was trying to think of a poison and I panicked I couldn't think of anything. Um arsenic

There we go rat poison Putting rat poison in your colostomy bag Um So there was another one where there was this woman going like You know, uh back when I was a model I got fired for being a size four, which I guess is small I haven't crossed dressed in a while. I'm a little a little rusty on my Women's sizes numbers. So she was a they fired her for being a four

Right said she was too fat. So she goes jokes on you. I'm now a 10 You know and I can pick up your audacity because I had the audacity to be a four That's what she said. Then she goes jokes on you I can now lift up your audacity And and so I forget what because now she's like a weight lifter or something like that So it's like, all right. Well That's a good thing then like what what is there's no audacity

In modeling it is what it is when you go into it You're not eating Everybody knows this Like what they're bitching about that would be like a quarterback going like, you know I just got replaced at quarterback because I had the audacity to be 35 years old in the nfl And they decided to draft a younger guy with the stronger arm Because I had the audacity to age. It's the same fucking thing I

Three years ago. I got kicked off my football team because I had the audacity to blow out my acl To get a knee injury playing football, it's like, yeah, that that's what happens That's what happens. All right everybody Has their moment in life and when your moment is over Or if you can't live up to what the the the level of excellence is Then you got to pick something else You know

The fuck are you complaining about? You got to be a model. That's amazing Amazing it's amazing, right Then you got to be too big for them Which who gives a fuck what they think and now you're lifting weights. That's fucking great It's that the audacity I got I got a feeling that word's going to be around for a while Use like that

You know I had the audacity Fucking audacity. Can you fucking believe it? It's like, yeah, that's that's how it works It's like if you're an athlete you got to understand that like Any day somebody comes in and does your job better you're out you're done If you're a coach You lose a couple games in a row your ass is on the hot seat You got to sell your house and pull your kids out of the school. They just made friends out

It's just it's it's how it works I've never seen like a football coach like I got fired because I had the audacity to only be nine and seven three years in a row you couldn't get us over the hump You're out Fuck you and your dream You know Granted football coaches can be fat fucks But it's not a beauty contest

I don't know I just understand why that fucking thing starts trending Kind of glad it did because it gave me something to talk about here because I haven't been doing shit the entire time Oh, I got something else here. Hopefully uh on the internet watching the news here I'm doing all topical material. Have you seen that new fucking apple watch commercial? Where it's 911 calls people made on their apple watch Like how few fucking apple watchers are they selling because most people like me like oh, I got the fucking phone I don't even it's a clock on the phone You know what I mean

So then they have all these people calling and these just these fucking horrifying scenes this woman drove a car in a leg course Crazy broad no, I'm kidding It's why they shouldn't be driving, you know, you don't hear a guy talking in his apple watch and he fucking drove his car into a leg I'm just saying I had to use my apple watch to call the police because I had the audacity drive my car into a lake I feel like if I was a man driver, they wouldn't have put that lake there Hello double standard nature um

Anyway, so this these fucking people are like one woman is Drove her car into a lake and as far as I can understand is in an air pocket Talking to the cops Another guy's like, I'm in a barn. I broke my leg. I can't get up Uh, you gotta come get me. You gotta come get me. It's gonna get bad quick Oh come get me right And in the middle of all that for some reason

he says I couldn't reach my phone. So I called on my apple watch Right like who gives a fucking product endorsement in the middle of a fucking 911 call I'm calling bullshit on that commercial. I'm not saying the guy didn't use his apple watch I'm not saying he didn't break his leg in that barn all right What I'm saying is I think afterwards they did a little uh, a little you know, they added the embellished these are actual 911 calls and then they added can you just say that you were calling from your apple watch?

Like how does that He didn't even say I'm calling from a watch Which you probably try to use as few words as possible if you were laying in a barn with your leg busted But this guy's like I'm calling from my apple watch. I got the turquoise one. My wife loves it So does her sister. I think I might get a three so you should buy one Oh, yeah, my address is I don't I I'm calling 100% bullshit on that

Nia, would you agree? On the uh, there's a new apple watch commercial It's really unsettling. Oh my back on the podcast. Yes. Come here So, um people what they want. That's right. I happy you're some more sunshiny vibe So this is apple watch complaining about now The apple watch commercial All complaints all the time all complaints all the time. That's right. Yeah. Oh, you told me about that I haven't seen this commercial, but you told me well, it's just 9-1-1 commercial and this woman's like god drama card to a leg

Why does that to my neck? And there's this other guy he's going like I'm busted my leg. I'm in barn He's trying to fucking yak in it a bit back a yak Trying to fuck a pig and it Friends came over. Oh goodness and then there was somebody else. I don't know where the deal is Like I'm trying to put this dress on. I can't zip it up, right So the guy's laying in the barn After whatever he tried to fuck kick them in his leg

Don't make it seem like people who work on a farm sleep with the farm animals. That's not nice What do you mean? That happens all the time How would you know did you grow up on a farm? Oh my god, you are so tone deaf and Am I tone deaf or naive? What do you mean? Like why do you think they have farmers only dot com? It's not Why can't cause farmers and the cows can look yeah, so nobody knows what they're doing No

So anyways, this guy's laying in the barn. I have my legs all busted up and he goes I couldn't reach my phone I'm calling from my apple watch. You would never tell a 911 dispatcher that they would be like we know We can see everything on our monitors. No, but why would you do a product endorsement? Yeah, exactly. That's I just sat down ahead of pepsi and I slipped in my uggs And I fell and burst my leg calling you on my apple watch But so yeah, so the point is that you can call 911 from your apple watch I bet your regular fucking time max won't do that. Huh? I know but you could also call them from your fucking guess watch Your swatch watch. No, this is this is what they're doing. They've realized that they they

Put a hat on a hat when they made the fucking apple watch because you already have a clock on your phone And you can already make phone calls on your phone Yeah So they fucking they're like, what do we do here? They have to create this fear that you're going to drive a car into a lake And your phone's going to be like, I don't know underwater. Yeah, but you can still call 911 Well, how come her watch wasn't underwater? She went in like she was on a roller coaster like Put her arms up. Yeah, baby someone louise

Yeah, is the watch like waterproof up to eight feet or something because that's also something that they should consider If it hasn't already been done, which i'm sure it has It was all just really convenient. I think that somebody who runs apple over there Demanded that one of their new employees who wanted a better office show loyalty to the company and drive her car or Prius into a lake And then they recorded the whole thing. It's like but you just can't

Say that we had this conversation and if you do that We will let you sit in steve's jobs office, which has remained locked since he's died You can sit in there for 20 minutes and she said yes And maybe you'll be a fraction of as brilliant as our great leader was Yeah, you can you can put on his turtleneck one of his turtleneck sweaters I'm just saying i'm calling bullshit Okay, yeah, I mean that's that's definitely seems a little farfetched I had to call 911 because I had the audacity to drive into a lake

I suppose it's that extra layer of security That you had your phone you had your watch you have many things on you where you could call for help if you're ever in peril So and all of them are tracking you and then people don't want people don't want to get microchipped I still don't understand like apple tags. Have you seen these are you going to get microchipped nea? Why would I get microchipped exactly? But have you seen these um, what sort of fight are you going to put up? We talking red dawn here? I feel like I would put up a pretty good fight if someone tried to head knock it up Yeah

Stop dirt bag. What was that? What would she say? Don't move dirt bag in a in police academy. Yeah private hooks I'm pretty I'm pretty scrappy and you know, I fight dirty too. So I'm kind of like I'm going for every possible orifice. I'm you know scratching whatever I can scratch You know at the very least I'm getting some evidence underneath my nails. So I know but you'll be attacking the government So you'll go to jail. What do you mean? They said it's I put this fucking article in this fucking nerd is going like Yeah, it's inevitable. See can't even fight it. Oh that they're gonna actually force people to be microchipped Where are people getting this idea that that's actually going to happen? Because there's some idiots that work for companies that have already done it

And this is what they're gonna do. They're gonna scare you about your kid. Just like the apple watch Commercial like I drove my kids into a lake. I can't find them. They had some lady on I have to look it up It was years ago that they had some lady on some morning show and she had voluntarily gotten her and her entire family Microchipped for like tracking safety reasons. It's already been done. But it's not like they're forcing you to it's not like You know, they're lining you up and that's how it you know initially, you know They came out with the vaccine and he didn't have to get it And now and now in Australia. I believe they're beating people aren't they Australia is not

Fucking around. They're not fucking around. They told and if you screw it up, that's why what they're mad at that tennis player Right, is that what you were telling me? They weren't mad at the tennis player the tennis player was coming in to make them some money And then they looked the other way and then they all the australian was like crikey White white. That's not nice. Yeah, you can't make everybody else do and then this person gets an X exactly Yeah, they're fucking lunatics. They're gonna come up and headbutt that guy right in his teeth They don't want your fucking virus. They don't want your dogs. They don't want your strange plants or fruits That's new zealand. Don't I thought australia was like that too

I don't know you can't bring any different kind of eco I think that was new zealand australia didn't give a fuck Any kind of like living thing or whatever into their ecosystem because you might throw the whole shit off balance No, australia doesn't care you can come in do whatever you want and then take a shit on the grape area reef. They don't care They're all about the money in australia. I'm sure I might have that wrong. It's been a while since I've been there I think you have it wrong I think they are Very determined to keep their beautiful

Landscape and it is beautiful the most beautiful beaches I've ever seen in my life. Zealand was like magical. No, it's just though I'm talking australia australia is amazing too, but I was just saying I liked the The waterfalls and the beaches in new zealand. I thought they were magical I new zealand had like the toughest people I've ever seen in my life The native new zealanders all look like hall of fame linebackers or defensive tackles Every single one of them was like but not fuck with that guy would not fuck with that guy Remember when we flew in the airport and everything was like harry potter

It was all the dragons and all that stuff in the airport. Do you remember this? Yeah, because they shot that down there Yeah, and you know why the safety video was like the cast of lord of the rings. That's why yeah, lord not harry potter Lord of the rings The cast in the safety video they had like fucking elysia wood. I feel like it was directed by peter jackson Like they just went all in Well, because they shot it down there and they don't recognize sag down there So they only had to pay the actors once it was a big uh, it was a big fiasco Was it?

Yeah, yeah, like the director of that movie never got paid They they was they made like six billion dollars on paper was still not in profit and he had to sue them I think he had to keep making lord of the rings just so they still needed him so he'd get paid It was one of the worst things ever and then as he was suing them I believe they got bought by another corporation. So he was chasing a ghost and it was all legal Really? This all happens. Yeah, look it up. Okay. Damn If he only had an apple watch, he could have called his lawyer and he would have been fine

Even from the middle of the earth you could have called CAA Had them come rescue you Listen, I've just made the third one. There's six billion in profit. I'm calling my apple watch by the way I have not had anything beyond a per diem From my apple watch by the way, by the way, by the way, I got the rose gold one. My wife loves it By the way, this was Oh, this is my retirement gift by the way, what is the apple watch the apple watch

Yeah, I remember when it came out. I was like that thing is stupid. That is just redundant. I don't need that I just thought it was I and I thought it was uh, it was kind of like, uh I was with someone who kept looking at their watch and I was like, why did why did she even get a watch? And I realized she had an apple watch and she was getting text messages on it So it's like instead of you know pulling out your phone She's love. She was just checking the watch because it kept going off and she was like tapping on it I guess and then what you text with one finger. I have no idea. I don't you know, I don't even wear a watch What does deaf leopard mean like what is the deaf part?

Deaf is like it's dope, right? Like a dope leopard. It's like a leopard that's in the hip hop Yeah, that's not how they meant it at all. How did they mean it? Uh, I don't know you'd have to ask them but I've been listening to them You know knew the whole backstory of peter jackson and his like, you know Advertisements for the airline and all the drama, but you don't know about deaf leopard. I feel like you would know that More than anything like that would be the one thing that you knew because there's so much you don't know But I feel like you wouldn't know that That's just so in your wheelhouse to know how one of my fucking eddie trunk. I don't know who that I don't know

I don't know who eddie trunk is eddie trunk is all of that historian. He's like a he's like a Paleontologist of hair metal. I want people to pay attention to this There's nothing wrong with dating somebody 10 years older or 10 years younger But understand you will have moments like this. Well, one person would be like I have no idea what you're referring to Who is eddie trunk? Eddie trunk exists outside your wheelhouse Okay, I mean, who was I listening to the other day you freaked out Oh my god, bill was playing jodicy like it was fucking 19

I don't know 94 or something like that any but like I was obviously so excited But I was like are we at a dance? At my now if I if I can if I know jodicy is how do you not know who eddie trunk is I feel like I'm doing more work here Really? No, I'm kidding. Okay. I'm like Eddie jodicy was more popular than whoever eddie trunk is I don't even know who that is, but I'm willing to bet that jodicy was more famous than him Am I right? Hey, maybe we need to do a versus

Any trunk eddie trunk first jodicy the versus nobody wanted to see Both sides just going I don't know who that is But if they had the apple watch Maybe that's what we need to bring this country together a random versus Of two totally different genres I want to pitch myself for an apple watch 911 call to my agent I want to do it right now. Yeah, and I'm gonna and I'm gonna do like that jesse smullet dude

I'm gonna I'm gonna create something that happens to me. I'm sorry. Still a bad topic You see joey vea gomas joey vea gomas says he's the first guy that ever went to jail for kicking his own ass You know nia come on we all have a hero fantasy The man followed through with it. You got listen. You got to give it up to him He actually fucking had a plan and he carried it out Not every movie works nia you can sit that's the thing about it. That's the thing about it. It could have been a short film He could have made Uh, a really like deep like well acted really interesting kind of film about that subject

Like it could have been a creative exercise. Well, you know reality tv is a lot bigger than movies these days nia So he went real Yeah, you know, i'm gonna stop talking about it because it's just you know, uh-huh. Yeah, how did the jesse smullet? incident affect you No, when it first happened, of course, you know, this is what they're gonna do to you nia I did a little you know thing on my stories about it because I felt so awful, but yeah, it's it's it's complicated This is like you when you have your hit tv show And okay, we're bringing nia and she just said

You know just once again just we are agreeing to not bring up the jesse smullet case. That's it. Absolutely. That's that's gonna be in my writer Nia, thank you so much for joining us. You look absolutely radiant. Well, thank you and congratulations on your your uh, Your your big new tv show. It's an essay hit. I saw apple watches was advertising on it. You gotta get an apple watch Now let me ask you this just going back You know, do you plan on faking a hate crime at all like a jesse smullet? You know what? I'm I'm sorry Nia Renee Hill storms out of interview. Yeah, I specifically

Asked to not be asked about this. You had the audacity. You had the audacity to ask me about it Yeah, I don't know man. Are you getting any questions still? Are you still giving people advice? I haven't been on the podcast in so long I have no idea what I know it sucks So what's happening? Are people sending in questions? You know, it's funny. Nia the same questions you ask about the podcast you could even be asking about me We don't even know each other anymore. I know we've had we've had two kids We pass each other in the hall too. We're just two ships in the night two ships in the night, you know So we're out here in a red roof in trying to reconnect

I busted my leg. I was reaching for the bible They had my apple watch on I should have just played john 13 Can you watch things on your apple watch like you can watch on your iphone? Like you watch youtube and stuff on your apple watch I don't know. I feel like this is a better commercial for the apple watch because we've said apple watch a million times And this probably I imagined some clever person on the internet It's going to be like hey Jadon says just letting uh, he just dedicated her podcast that fucking apple watch I feel like they should send us some and we can test them out and then we can give our honest review

I don't want to fucking watch. I do apple. I do. I would love uh, the the band you What do you call this part technology? What is this part called on a watch? What's this the band the band? Yeah, I want a band to be can they make a metal band or is it only like plastic? Well, nia if you have a metal band that's going to drag you under the water when you drive your car into the lake Because you're texting between your iphone and your eye watch. Maybe it's leather Maybe a nice soft. There's a cow really have to die So you can fucking break your leg in a barn. Maybe it's a biodegradable plastic. Anyway, maybe that's what happened to the farmer

He was killing the cow Minty icy blue is a color that i'm really into right now so you can send it in that color way I love how you're talking about it this long like you think they're actually going to do it Listen, all they can say is no All they can say is no. I like that. I'm gonna be open right now. I like that And that's how we started it then nia wrote a book called All they can say is no nia How many times girl? Did you hear no?

Wow Did you Did you hear no growing up and when did you decide was it after or before you got your eye watch You as the antagonistic talk show host I feel like as a character you really should explore It's not a character. Yeah, right. That's what i'm doing Hey, um tagging a sick podcast host Tagging a sick podcast host in sad news. I heard some poor kid, uh die playing hockey

Yeah, high school. Yeah Somebody skate hit him in the neck now that happened to clint malachuk way back in the day He was playing goalie and uh, you know people Crash the net And then gold tenders ended up getting some sort of I believe that changed the equipment. So I think this will definitely Um changed the equipment that happened to a friend of mine in my high school Same thing skate went where he had the scar and everything

But it just didn't quite didn't quite go deep enough for the uh jogging Yeah, it happens. It seems like it happens once every fucking five million games I mean i'm the amount of hockey i've watched My whole life. I've only seen it happen once and it was clint malachuk. It's a freak freak freak thing So it's a freak accident thing. Yeah Well, well that brought the whole thing down Because I don't know Any other things to talk about

No, I talked about mike nesmith dying which really bothered me You know three of the four monkeys are dead mickey dolens goes that means i'm next That's the logic and it's the logic First is the people you watch what surf betty white just died The last person on the mary tyler morse show So literally a show that was putting out new episodes that I was watching when new episodes the whole fucking cast is dead Of natural causes Are you having like some sort of like weird like

Like i'm a moral person like not more immortal I'm gonna die type of thing Like what's going on right now? Yeah Oh, okay It cut it out you wait you wait you hit i'm gonna be my mid fifties neah and it's just like I remember 15 years ago It kind of seems like a while ago another example like your partner's gonna start having like a mid-life crisis and you're gonna be like whoa, man Are you okay over there? First of all you don't have nesmith

the skate First of all you don't have a midlife crisis at 53 53 times kind of the middle of your life What's 53 times two? Well, I mean yes. No, it's not the middle of your life. No, it's not even close You think i'm gonna make 106 well the thing is I always be like let's just say we live to 100 So that's for me. I'd be like yes 50 is mid eight like All right. Well, I'm gonna be 54 in june. So I'm on the other side. Yeah, I'm on like the 13th hole neah downhill from here Well, I'll be there holding your hand Oh, you are gonna be the worst when i'm on my deathbed you're gonna you're gonna just be like

Oh my god, he rang the buzzer again. I should never should have given him that I watch Apple watch whatever No, by that time it really will be a chip And you know what all you have to do is think about something that you want and then Someone will come tend to you about that I just I don't see that existing on my level And this is what's gonna happen when you're old and feeble. I'm not gonna put you away I'm gonna put you in a wing of that house that I never go to I'm just kidding

No, but I'll like I'll give you a nurse And I'll set you up with a comfortable bed, of course You're gonna outsource Taking care of me when I'm old that is so that is so you you're gonna get me a fucking old guy nanny Well what you keep fucking you Go down rodeo drive looking for some old guy wearing ed hardy that you're gonna hook up with Wow And I'm just gonna have them play movies for you all day like all your favorite movies and everything like that like

So you'll just be sort of laughing and I don't know wait. Can we do this now? I would sign up for that the final year of my life. Let's do it Yeah, just just just play all your favorite movies and things and Take you out for a little walk. No, of course. I'd be there. What are you talking about? I'm gonna be feeding you soup and Rubbing your feet and all that other stuff. Okay. Now we're now we're past the first four days of that Oh my god, I'm so exhausted of taking care of my old husband Let's go to old husband net and see what my options are for a less old husband

Oh, I was just for I was just saying for like taking care of me, you know what I mean to try to get the uh The new dumper bed you can shit in the bed and you can dump them in the tub afterwards It's a tub. It's a shitter Then they have like sealing the floor windows when you die at the the bed just slides towards the window and goes right off To the side of the house. What a great idea Apple didn't come up with that Yet the apple bed. We just we just gave them the idea the apple bed There'll be some woman making 911 calling her apple watch that her old husband that she married for for money

Was banging her missionary style and just collapsed on her and she can't get him off I'm laying underneath my rich husband I think he's dead his chest tears in my mouth I'm calling I'm calling you From my eye watch Apple watch. Why is it the iPhone? I don't know What does the eye stand for wait a minute as an eye as in me like myself or

Probably internet maybe internet phone. How about we'll just go with ignorant with the two of us I'm sure it's so obvious to what is what it what it what it stands for Hey, I asked to somebody a sound person one time On a movie. I asked him what adr stood for and they didn't know they go audio She's like, oh my god, wait a minute. I don't know what the fuck that means adr Repair no For those of you not in the business of show. That says it's a little too inside baseball

um adr Is after you do after you do a movie there'll be lines tv show Jesus christ or an animated show Anything where your voice is recorded? Thank you for making that point so clear Any other forms of media that you would like to talk about Super eight movies actual film digital All mediums in the universe as yet to be created

But anyway, you have to come back you have to come back sometimes and rerecord your lines for for Various reasons like that audio might have not picked up a certain word or you didn't say something clear enough or Whatever the case. So that's what adr is you come back and you go in the studio and they queue it up on a big screen They queue up where you say your lines And you do them over again So bill's googling Alternative That's not it

There we go automated dialogue replacement Yeah, so it's basically if you're in a scene and you're running down a hall and your shoes are slapping on the floor They can't hear the line that you said So then they play it back to you and you're in the booth and they just have the scene going the murderers down the hall No, he's right there and then when you yell oh, fuck you already started running So then they beep you and they go beep Beep beep and you have to go. Oh, fuck That was good

Try it again. You're a little little little late little sooner. Oh, fuck. No too quick too quick For a perfect example of this My pinned tweet which was the birthday thread for bill and the first video on there is him doing adr at the simpsons No, i'm not Is that not you doing adr? No, that's me recording. I was actually doing the lines the lines. Oh, yeah Yeah, and then afterwards if they had If for some reason I made like a noise it and it usually doesn't happen in animation Yeah, but I did it forever. No

No, you know what they come up with a new line This is what this is the adr in animation is they come up with a new line But the mouth still moves the same. You know what I mean? So then you got to fit it in To the mouth To the mouth. Yeah, they might change a word or whatever So what you were doing on the simpsons was not adr, but did you have to do adr for the simpsons at one point or no? No, okay All right, so it doesn't exist and I think I don't

Well, because you would never be making a unless you made a noise within the room you were recording it. Yeah. Yeah, okay automated dialogue replacement We've learned something. I bet the I'll bet the the apple watch. I said it right the apple watch has it You know, all right. Well, what's his face the great andrew themalus from beverly hills has not Beverly Hills own andrew themalus has not sent me the reads yet If I were doing a remake of less than zero, I would cast andrew themalus in it in some way shape or form

Maybe in the andrew mccarthy role like don't you see him playing that? Actually, I do Yeah, andrew playing andrew He's laughing at this right now. Like don't you think themalus? I feel like you would be great And something like that you have you have the look for it You've got the look. All right. I got a pause now because I don't have any advertising or any of your questions Oh my god, we already did 43 minutes of babbling babbling on here I brought something special to the podcast this episode

Oh, Jesus. Nia, I don't know how I do this every week without you. You were amazing. You did. It was fun to bounce some ideas off you Thank you. Thank you. It's great to be here. Now. I'm going to go disappear for another five years No, you're not now. I'll be back. All right. We just have to get on the get on the sketch You haven't been on the podcast so long. I don't know where my other microphone is. There you go I'll tell you that's a long time. All right. I'm When we come back We'll have advertising and questions. All right All right, I'm back. I'm back. I got the reads and everything and what a difference

A couple hours makes As all of you already know, I just literally just found out about the untimely and shocking passing of Bob Saget and I don't even know what to say. I'm just absolutely in shock Um I mean, I don't know what else to say than what everybody else said just like absolutely the nicest guy And just so goddamn funny and um

Absolutely loved Making people laugh and love jokes and whenever I would text with him He would go on until you stopped like yeah, I don't care if it was like three in the morning If you were joking back and forth that guy just love to improv and Just make people laugh and one of the most amazing things that I found about that guy was he was literally friends with comedians That were only a couple years into the business all the way to legends

working in vegas Some of whom who weren't selling as many tickets and kind of were working Off the strip he would fly out there. He'd go to their shows and encourage him tell them they're funny and have dinner with them and I don't know I met him I believe the first time I met him was probably on the opium anthony show I can't remember if it was the virus tour or he was in studio first, but I was immediately was just struck with how down to earth. He was it was fucking bob saget, right? Who you know

And Yeah, I mean he would just wire to wire I knew a little more than 15 years and just wire to wire Was just an absolute sweetheart. I'd never had one argument with him Um He was just the nicest guy and I really very thankful that I had a very complete friendship with them You know, we told each other that we loved each other shared, you know You know stories about growing up and how the hell we both ended up being comedians and um Yeah, man, I mean

If that guy wasn't making people laugh He was out organizing a benefit to help other people out and that is why you see The kinds of tributes that he's getting um It's just fucking brutal fucking brutal. I'm absolutely in shock so with that, um

Wow Wow, Jesus Christ someday I'll I will tell you guys I'll tell you more stories that he would He would get a fucking kick out of Um, but it's always tragedy plus time. So Um, all right, let's leave it at that. Okay. All right. All right back to the podcast rest in peace bob Um, I love you to death, but you knew you already knew that you already knew that Why don't I just say I love you to death. He would have got a kick out of that stupid. All right, put your box everybody

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Click the microphone at the top of the home page and enter the code burr Um, all right, here's a sagged story for you. I got to change the names here Um, one of the last times I hung out with them Um, I was hanging, you know with a bunch of comics some musicians and everything typical comedy store Just a great mix of people. We were up on the roof Thanks to mike binder and his um documentary. They built a little area up there where you can Smoke cigars. He did it for that documentary. He did about um the comedy store. So we're up on the roof And we would tell tell you know just talking comedy and uh

This is story about this one comic. I can't say the guy's name But his deal So bad his deal Was when a comic would die He would call up that comics agent and be like, oh my god, I heard about so-and-so. I'm so sorry I just want to make sure you're doing okay. And then they'd be like, oh gee so-and-so. I'm so glad you're called It's so nice of you to reach out Um, and the guy in the comic would be yeah, if there's anything I can do, you know, uh, you know, I'm always here for you, buddy

We all love so-and-so but blah blah blah and then in the end he goes Yeah, listen, and if he had any corporate dates on the book, you need me to cover just let me know He was actually calling up To take the dead comics gigs Under the guise of acting like he gave a shit. So anyway um How do I tell the story without giving away who it is they fucking There was a story a comedian

His wife was downstairs making breakfast the guy died in the morning. Okay, that's the loose version of what happened So we were all just sitting there thinking about that And then I don't know where sag it goes So-and-so probably came by and asked for his eggs I can't do it justice I also had to leave out so many details, but it was the fucking Line of the night and I remember I was up on the roof with Bartnick and Bartnick has this thing when somebody just does a really dark Sick joke, which was so much of bob's humor

Which is so funny because he was such a loving caring guy. He could just go so dark. I remember Bartnick just closing his eyes and just threw his head back and started laughing and um I remember laughing And and yelling out line of the night And I remember seeing how happy Yeah, how happy that made him

You You know, there is something to be said about dying young because then you don't have to hang around and watch all your friends die You know, I always wondered what it was like, you know, these people lately like Betty white Dying at like fucking 99. It's just like you literally everybody you went to school with is dead Everybody you got like movies you did like everybody's dead That's got to be like, why isn't anybody asked? I guess it's not a nice thing To ask an older person, but I would love you know like

One of my relatives lived close to 105 And she was on like her third set of friends She was a card player, you know, she always played bridge and everything They always say that's so good for your brain and she just was sharp as attack right to the very end and I remember My relatives tell me yeah, she's outlived The people she grew up with the next generation the generation after that. Yeah, she'd always be playing cards

with women in their 60s and 70s And you know, I'd come back, you know and every 10 years there'd be a different group of women and She would still be sitting there. It's just fucking And it's like one of those actors that just never leaves law and order Whole cast changes around them. All right, let's do some of the Let's do some of the questions here for the week. All right useless Christmas present Dear billy buttfuck I have a useless Christmas present

My mom wanted to give me your action figure from the Mandalorian for Christmas So she went ahead and ordered one and a package came in the mail a few weeks later The only problem was the package was giant confused. She opened up the package to find a giant big-headed Mayfeld cardboard cutout. Oh, no Turns out the action figures don't come out until next year. So they sent this instead So now I have this life-size cardboard cutout of you in your Mandalorian outfit And I have nowhere to put it. I laughed my ass off for 10 minutes straight and thought you'd enjoy the story

I'm definitely keeping this useless piece of shit I've attached a picture for your enjoyment. Thanks for bringing enjoyment to my life Oh my god, it's fucking huge What the hell would you do with that? Um I don't know. Why don't you reboot weekend at bernie's fucking drive around with that thing. I have no idea Uh, but thank you for watching the show and thank you for caring enough to to order, uh, the action figure All right sr 71 blackbird pilot

Tells story the story you were trying to recollect this past monday regret. Oh regarding The ground speed checks Oh, okay, let's see if this is audio or is it uh Okay, so yeah Okay center aspen 20 you got a ground speed radar for us. There was a pause longer than normal aspen I show Uh, 4942 knots no further inquiries were heard after the on that fix. Okay

All right, can I read all of this? Okay Okay, so basically what happened is I guess there was some guys flying around and somebody goes to do an altitude check Which I guess is like a big dick thing in aviation that if you're flying the highest, you know, you got the biggest balls typical dumb guy shit, right? So anyways, here's the story of somebody who did that and then got Got basically topped like three or four times within the transmission here Uh, throughout its nearly 24 year career the lock eat sr 71 blackbird mark III strategic was uh Reconnaissance aircraft remained the world's fastest and highest flying operational aircraft from 80,000 feet. It could survey

100,000 square miles of the earth's surface per hour So it comes as no surprise If thanks to astonishing flight characteristics, the aircraft set numerous speed and altitude records throughout its career Nevertheless, the blackbird wasn't an easy plane to fly as sr 71 pilot brian shul recalls in his book sled driver There were a lot of things we couldn't do in an sr 71 But we were the fastest guys in the block and love reminding our fellow aviators of this fact people often asked us If because of this fact it was fun to fly the jet Uh fun would not be the first word I would use to describe flying this plane intense

Maybe even cerebral. Jesus christ So that thing was squirrelly going faster than anything else at 80,000 fucking feet dude. Those guys are nuts I like my little egg beater here Helicopter however according to show there was one day in our sled experience when we would have to say That was pure fun to be the fastest guys out there at least for the moment I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day As walt my back seat My back seat and I were screaming across southern california 13 miles high

13 miles high We were monitoring various radio transmissions from our other aircraft as we entered los angeles air airspace Though they didn't really control us. They did monitor our movement across the scope um I heard a sesna asked for a read out of its ground speed 90 knots center replied Moments later a twin beach required the same 120 knots center answered We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an f18 smugly transmitted center dusty 52 request ground speed read out

There was a slight pause then the response 620 knots on the ground dusty All right, so he just big leagueed those the guy in the sesna and then the twin Another silent pause as I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back seater Uh, it was at that precise moment. I realized walt and I had become a real crew For both of us were thinking in unison. How cool is that center aspen 20? You got a ground speed read out for us There was a longer than normal pause aspen. I show

1,942 knots No further inquiries were heard on that frequency That's fucking awesome Um Oh men That's how we break balls. All right dictator idea Oh, I had a good one the other day. I've I can't remember it Oh, it was just a simple one god damn it. I'll have to start writing them down

Hey, william the dictator long time listener first time writer. Yes, we've been asking I've been asking my listeners me and the voices in my head have been asking the listeners Um You know if you were a dictator, what would be something that you would implement? Okay, so hypothetically, I've just become leader. This is this this guy here, uh of Guests, let's go with america and I've I've got total control. All right. You're the dictator of america wonderful First things first free health care and education for everyone Not because I give a shit, but I have no use for broken dead stupid people

All housing food needs are provided for you. All this should foster good will between me and the people Then I remove the economy money will no longer be necessary All right Well, how do you keep the military and all these other guys at bay who want their money? A person is 100 taking care of in terms of schooling clothes amenities, etc As long as they hold down a job Doesn't matter what it is. You do a job. You got to keep existing All right. Well, then how do you keep people from fucking uh taking easy jobs?

You know what I mean like hey, I'll push a broom. I'm not going to become a brain surgeon Why do I want to dedicate all of that if I could just push a broom and be taken care of? Don't mean to poke holes. Let me read the rest of this. I make sure I have enough People work infrastructure jobs to keep things running smoothly Entertainment will still be a big industry and people will still have weekends to blow off steam After all, I want a happy population because people work harder and if they don't well I always like carlin's bit about bringing back crucifixion Oh, jesus you crucify him crime will only have two punishments capital punishment or life

in the slave pens Weed will be legal. I turn the focus of this country from corporate consumerism to scientific research Every available extra resource will be devoted towards the development of every scientific area with the ultimate goals being eternal life for me uh infinite energy as Or as close as one can get complete command over our dna able to make superhuman gene warriors highly intelligent human computers, etc Faster than light travel and contact with whatever the fuck we find They're in the void of space

They're these are just sort of the big points. I'd hit after becoming the dictator of america. Thanks for all the laughs Chuckles and go fuck yourself. Well, I mean you've got a plan here, man I think you you would have to be a world dictator to make that work if you're gonna eliminate money and all of that I don't know how you're gonna do that and uh Still coexist with the rest of the world Because we owe them money. It's just like well, we got rid of money, man. We don't know. We don't have any anymore world's best dictator Hey, there's sagging red baggins

My first action as a dictator would be make the world a better place And goes as follows. I would create a health Status-based tax and payroll system your base income tax percent will affect your body fat percentage All right for safety and to maintain revenue the best score would be 10 percent maintaining 10 percent for many years Will result in a better retirement package. I imagine the revenue would shrink up But so will the medical tax burden of this fat ass nation the amount of pay you earn would be based on an algorithm governed by a sense of Consistency of the state of america and the state of america

Pay you earn would be based on an algorithm governed by a semi annual blood tests in a physical fitness test Halt all plastic surgeries unless life-surge Threatening for 10 years then tell everyone i'm revamping the plastic surgery in industry for improvements Everyone would have to re prepay their requests for the 10 years after the 10 years are up and the money is collected I would tell all the vanity based surgery requests to fuck off Oh, you double cross them How you gonna stay

Stay on you on your your fucking king's chair with all those guys coming at you with their scalpels Uh, then I would tell all the money Take all the money and give free surgeries to people suffering from deformities at birth or innocent accident accidental deformities Any serious criminals found guilty via hard evidence such as rapist killers filthy banker cunts or corrupt government officials Would be sent to a top secret prison, but they would be What the masses but they wouldn't that would be what the masses think What would really happen is they get taken to the great pacific garbage patch with

They get injected with the bulb Ebola and aids and left stranded to die of sunburn and dehydration. Jesus I'd also make you fly us around to various cigar plantations Thank you for what you do and thank you to all the uh comedians I know Nia is busy being a mother, but we do miss her on the podcast. Well, look at that. You got her in the early part of this Take care. Oh great freckled cunt um That's an interesting one you're going hard there Yeah, I was gonna say if you're gonna go after bankers and all them you're gonna make sure you kill them because they will

fucking regroup and uh Yeah, they'll do something They'll come back at you. All right shower problem. Dear little drummer cunt Dear little drummer cunt power up a pump pump I'm 30 years old and have been in a great relationship for about a year But my girlfriend is always asking me to shower with her. We're not 15 anymore and we've been dating a while

So this isn't about sex. She says it's a great way to be president and connect since there are no phones of distraction Which I agree with because we have some of our best conversations in there. All this sounds great except i'm fucking miserable during it We just have a normal shower one shower head. So when she's soaking up the hot water for most of the shower I'm sitting there freezing my ass off with soap in my eyes When I do get my 10 seconds of water, I feel like I'm walking a tightrope Squeezing by her in the small ass tub Uh, should I be a man and suck it up or bring it up and ask for more time in the water By the way, your painter rance from last summer still cracked me up every time I think about it

Love the podcast and wish you and your family the best for 2022 um I got it here. Okay, because that's a great thing your wife your girlfriend wants to connect with you and everything and You know happy wife happy life same thing with a girlfriend. So what you should do Is you should up the level Of gain is to it or femininity whatever you want to call it and just take a bath with her All right, then you're both in the hot water. She can have a nice conversation It actually takes a little bit longer. So she feels like you care more

And then you don't freeze your ass off And you can just sit there doing you know active listening Oh, that's amazing Oh, I I love her. She's great. You know you just do that And then you're good. All right. Anyways, that's the uh, that is the end of the podcast everybody and uh, Yeah, man, this was a weird one. Um, once again, I can't believe bob is gone and uh, You know, if you guys didn't know him go read all the tributes and uh, the world would be a better place if everybody tried to be more like

The great bob sag it was. Um That is it. I will talk to you guys On thursday, okay You