Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-11-16

Episode Date: January 12, 2016

Bill rambles about lasagna, heights and vasectomies.

Ikea, tip of the week. Do you like to get a gift? You can count on us. Because until April 15, Ikea family members will be free to buy a warm meal for adults. Ikea Ikea I'm in a great fucking mood.

I don't know why. You know what? I haven't boozed in like fucking... I don't know what it's been. Nine, ten days or something like that. I did have a sip of wine last night, but I don't really consider that boozing. You know the way I go after it.

Oh, please. My wife, so you know something funny. When I stop drinking, my wife always tries to get me back to drinking. Not to get drunk or anything. She just is like, you're so fucking, you know, I drive her so fucking nuts.

That I just think sometimes, you know, if she wasn't such a good person, I think she would try and, like, drug me every night, like around supper. Right? Make a little dinner. Be like, how is that, honey? Oh, look at you. You look sleepy.

Like, I have no idea. Like, she just put some shit in my food. Not to, like, kill me. Just to sort of sedate me. But anyway, but I haven't drank in like 10 days or something. Wow, that really made my head go somewhere. Like, wow, it's kind of fucked up. She does that.

But yeah, I haven't drank in like 10 days. I, uh, I'm feeling good. And so what happens is then I slowly, you know, I start to eat better. I'm starting my day off with the old, from the old country thing, you know, little fucking water

at room temperature, which should make you gag if you're any kind of a fucking human being, but you get used to it with some lemon and then a little cayenne pepper in it. And then I take, I let that settle in me and then I get a couple scoops of, uh, Greek yogurt, the all-natural stuff

that actually kind of tastes like sour cream. And the first time I ate it, I was like, this is the worst shit I've ever tasted because I was used to the, uh, the crack baby yogurt that I've been eating my whole life that has like fucking 40 bags of sugar in it, you know, and you eat yogurt, you're like, yeah! I mean, the amount of sugar

that's in fucking regular yogurt, you should fucking snort it. I mean, it's literally like, I mean, I'm not gonna lie to you, I still fucking love it, but, uh, the Greek shit took me a minute and now I'm actually, uh, I like it, man. If I drink this shit and just have a couple scoops of that,

it kind of fills me up. And, um, that's kind of the big thing, is you become an old fuck like me. It's just somehow getting the hunger to go away without doing damage to yourselves, you know, and then walking around and burning a few calories before you go to the next one, you know, and I know this bunch, you know,

hopefully some younger listeners listening to this judging me, oh, this is this old fart talking about fucking lemon water, cayenne pepper, and fucking Greek yogurt. Well, you know something? If you're lucky enough, you'll live long enough if we don't fuck up something or something bad doesn't happen to you,

uh, you know, to get to my age. And, you know, it's good to start healthy habits, but, uh, fuck, shut up, Bill. What are you, the fucking first lady? You know what I'm doing right now? I'm doing shit that, like, a first lady does right now. I'm actually, let's get in shape, kids.

How about you go outside for 10 minutes a day and you just do some jumping checks? Can you fucking believe that? That you gotta tell kids to go out and play, you know? That's how fucking insane video games have got.

I mean, if I made video games and I actually saw Michelle Obama on TV begging kids to try to not have their first cardiac incident by the time they were in the third grade, I mean, I would tear up and just be like, I did it,

you know? I am so fucking great at my job I've made children stop playing outside. You know, do you think there's like the Alec Baldwin of the video game industry,

you know, from Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross coming in just screaming at him? You know how many kids I cause to have a heart attack? Seven? Fuck you! Right? Just screaming at him. Trying to get him to...

We haven't done our fucking jobs till every kid has a fucking pacemaker by the seventh grade. I don't know. Anyways, yeah, so I'm trying to get back in shape so I've been stoned so much. So yesterday I got my

my first massage in like, I don't know, like two years. Whenever I get a massage afterwards, I always think like, I gotta start doing this, man. This is great for an old fart like me, you know? Then you come home, you crush the waters, you get all the toxins out of you

or whatever yoga shit they tell you to do and but I know this always happens I'm like, I don't fucking do this, you know what? Once a month, I'm gonna go down there, you know? Fucking, you haven't worked out, my fucking back, my whole right, I don't know what's like,

I have a little curvature of the spine and the lady's like, where the problem there is, right? And of course your brain always goes, my dick, but you know, it's a legal place. Yeah, it seemed to be having a problem in the central pelvic area on the frontal lobe.

I'm like, I never even noticed it either. I was like, my right shoulder, my right forearm and my right foot and I was just like, wow, how fucked up is my right side? And then I realized all of them, all of those injuries I got from playing drums,

you know, my right forearm from fucking holding the stick wrong. I don't know what I'm doing with my shoulders. Probably after I fuck up another fill, looking at the bass pedal, I'm like, I'm sorry, I mean, I tried to get back on one, right? And then my foot, I fucked that up years ago,

trying to get my bass drum as fast as John Bonham's, you know, which I never even remotely achieved. I just have the lifetime pain. You know, every time I take a step, I'm always reminded of what a wonderful drummer John Bonham is. So anyways,

I did that with the lovely Nia. That's always a good thing to do, you know, with your wife. Then you don't feel like a dirtbag, because anytime I go to get a massage, I always feel like a dirtbag. There's just no way not to feel like

a fucking complete piece of shit when you walk in there. Like, yeah, I want you to work out the kinks there, sweetheart, you know what I mean? Wait a minute, what am I talking about? I got a massage in fucking Milwaukee. No, I didn't.

No, I didn't. That was the steam. That was the steam. That's right. Oh, that's right. That's right. Yeah, I guess I haven't. I'm like two fucking years. And they always do the same thing. When they put that by the hands of my back, they just go, wow, wow.

Do you have a lot of stress? Has it been a while? It's like, ah, yeah. Your back feels like gravel. So anyways, we did that and then we came home and we made Mario Batali's lasagna bolognese

and it was fucking delicious. Homemade pasta things and all that. I got to get my homemade pasta game up. I tried to make the spinach pasta and the pasta was definitely green, but you could still see the chunks of spinach in there.

You know what I mean? So what does that mean? Did I not need the dough enough? Because it was frozen spinach like the recipe said to be. Am I saying that right? Like the recipe said. Said to be? What the fuck does that mean? Like the recipe said it should be.

I think that's what I was trying to say, but when I dried it out and maybe I just didn't dice it up enough, I have no idea, but I'm actually psyched that the consistency though, I can get that down.

I needed it a little bit more. I don't know. Is there any higher qualified people out there that could help me out on how to make the right spinach pasta? Because I watched some videos and I still fucked the thing up. But anyways, so we did all of that

and meanwhile I was watching like the playoff games. Playoffs! And fucking great games this weekend. Heartbreakers, but just fucking just great games with also that creeping sadness that I always have when the playoffs are here

that it's just like, did another regular season go by that fucking fast? God damn it, it's going to be over. It's another month, it's going to be fucking over. This time next month, I'm not even going to say it because it's going to be too fucking depressing. However, I have gotten totally into the Celtics and NBA hoop

with my Bruins, so I mean I got a game almost every night sometimes too. But anyways, so let's go through them. Let's go through them as every fucking douche who doesn't like sports is going to roll their eyes. Just fast forward like fucking 40 minutes and you'll be safe.

The first one I saw, I think I taped all of them. So I watched them at weird times. I watched the second half of the original Texans, the Kansas City Chiefs just absolutely dominating the new Texans.

I got that out on Twitter. I actually got a ton of shit for it. People are like, oh, what are you trying to show off your sports knowledge? It's like, no, I like sharing it. I love when people do stuff like that. I'm a sports nerd. I'm not acting like I played at a professional level,

I just love that shit. So I'm going to take you through it. For those of you who didn't know that the Chiefs were originally called the Texans, they actually played in Dallas, Texas when the AFL first came out. The NFL, the established league

publicly laughed at them and said, these guys are crazy. This will never work. Ha, ha, ha, whatever. Are you nervous now or not nervous at all? We're just going to do, you know, the American people know where the quality football is at, right?

That's what they said publicly. And then behind the scenes as much as they may or may have not believed that, they then hedged their bets and they wanted to try to sabotage the AFL as much as they could before it even got

started. So the AFL, how many fucking teams did they have? They had the Boston Patriots, the Buffalo Bills, the New York Titans, the Dallas Texans, the Minnesota Vikings and I'll get back to that

before you say that I'm wrong on that. They had the Minnesota Vikings. I used to know this by heart. Denver Broncos, Oakland Raiders, San Diego Chargers, I'm sorry, the Los Angeles Chargers and

Dolphins weren't in it, Bengals weren't in it. Who the fuck else has left? Bears, Lions. Yeah, something like that. I probably forgot a team or two. So the owner with the most money was Lamar Lundy.

I believe that was his name. I didn't look the shit up again. I read this whole book on it. Lamar Lundy and he was the wealthiest of all owners. So basically this guy could hold out the longest in this new crazy venture.

So how they attacked the fucking AFL, they did it on two different levels. The Dallas Texans were owned by Lamar Lundy, the most wealthiest of all the owners. So what they, the NFL did was they awarded Dallas a team, which became

the Dallas Cowboys. So for a season or two, I forget, I didn't look it up as I said, you could either go see the Dallas Cowboys or the Dallas Texans. Now the Dallas Cowboys, as much as they were an expansion franchise, you could go down and watch them get the shit kicked out of them.

You know, by Johnny United's Jim Brown or, you know, Frank Gifford or these guys, you know, all these legends, the fucking Green Bay Packers would come to town. You get to see Vince Lombardi in the early days of the Packers sweep. You could see all this professional level talent

or you could go across town and go see the Dallas Texans, a bunch of nobodies playing a bunch of nobodies because they weren't established yet. So obviously that completely that's a no brainer as a sports fan. You're going to go see the NFL team and go see all these stars that you've been

watching on TV. That completely fucked them and they had to move to Kansas City and they became the chiefs. They kept their colors though, but they were originally called the Texans, but they gave up the name. And then the Minnesota Vikings which I did not know,

I didn't know any of this shit until I read the book, the Minnesota Vikings were originally going to be an AFL team. So what the NFL did was not only award Dallas a team, they also went to the owners of the Minnesota Vikings and said, hey, do you want to join the NFL and not be part of the AFL?

Come on, we're an established league and of course they said, hey fuck you guys and your new venture. We're going to fuck the whole going against the NFL. We're going to join them. So that's what they did. They they opened a franchise across town

from the wealthiest owner and then they stole one of their teams. That was their two moves as they publicly laughed at the AFL. So there you go. There's a little fucking little history from all freckles. But having said that, you know, maybe they got them back, but I guess they'd have to beat the fucking

cowboys and they're also part of the NFL. So congratulations to the chiefs and evidently they're playing the Patriots is what I got from some of the tweets and I am not a comfortable Patriot fan, no Patriot fan who's been watching the Patriots is, you know, we had a lot of losses towards the end

of the year. I'm hoping we're going to get some help back on our offensive line or either way, it's going to be, even if we were healthy, it would have been a brutal day because, you know, Andy Reid is no slouch as much as a guy gets a ton of shit. I mean, the guy's been to a bunch of

NFC championship games and shit like that. He has been there before. But, you know, you do need the players. You do need the ownership. You need all of that type of shit to try to succeed. So congratulations to them and I by no means

comfortable with next week. And, you know, also, you know, the chiefs beat the Seattle Seahawks as far as being the loudest fans at one point and they did it in that old ass stadium rather than the stadium the Seahawks fans have

that helps them out and contains the sound. I'm such a cunt. But it's true. And, yeah, so speaking of the Vikings and the Bengals my condolences to fans of both teams. I've been there. Fortunately, have not been there in a long time. I guess the Giants losses, but I

can't whine as a fan with all the other shit that was going on. But, uh, Jesus fucking Christ. What the fuck was that guy doing after he picked off the ball walking up to the tunnel already celebrating? I thought fucking athletes were superstitious. The fuck are you

doing? Right there. That's fucking unbelievable to me. And then he's fucking sitting there. He probably already took his goddamn cleats off and then the very next play, whatever it was, it two plays in, they fumble the fucking ball.

I had to watch this part of the game on Highlights because I taped the game and for the one time I don't do the extended fucking record. This shit happens. And, um, I probably had to put his cleats on, run back out on the field. I think he was so fucking frustrated because he still had champagne, you know, coursing through his veins.

He was already mentally the next week that he goes into, was the same guy, right? Goes in and fucking knocks out that player. Unfucking believable. Unfucking believable. Hey, Steeler fans, how many you shut the game off after the interception?

Huh? Not because you're a fair weather fan, just because you couldn't stomach to watch the Bengal fans jumping up and down and having some joy, you know? I'd forgive you if you did that. I'd forgive you if you walked away, you know? Or if you already started celebrating

and you turned your big fucking sausage eating back to the fucking TV and you were already doing wha wha dada day ba dada ba dada. Who do we got next week doing all that shit? Fucking brutal. And, uh, the Vikings

I won't even, I don't even... Can you explain to me how you place kicker had the laces facing your kicker twice in one fucking game in a playoff game? That's unfucking... I've never... You never see the laces in. Right?

I never even knew about... I'm not gonna lie to you I never even knew about laces out since fucking Ace Ventura. That's when I learned about it. Or is it Ace Ventura? Um... Jesus fuck. I mean, I watched the replay of that game and I went on Twitter beforehand

and I found out the Vikings won, which fucking sucked, but I was in the middle of trying to make spinach pasta which was well beyond my cooking abilities so, you know, I was a little fucking... got a little sideways there for a minute and, um... I was thinking like

what the fuck... I mean, he must make this field goal and then Seattle just has a ridiculous kickoff return and then they're able to kick it or maybe they score a touchdown or maybe a defensive back falls down

the idea that he was gonna fucking lose the... oh my god fucking brutal but, you know what every championship team, you gotta have a little bit of luck the first fucking Super Bowl, the Patriots one we had the Tuck Rule which was a fucking rule

everybody blames Tom Brady it was a blame the officials or no, the rules committee for coming up with that weird one cause I say to this day, that's a fucking fumble that's a fumble the way Bear Hamilton did not interfere with Ken Stabler

the year the fucking Raiders won it in Super Bowl 11 so anybody in Oakland put your fucking hankies away cause I don't want to hear you crying about it that was payback for Super Bowl... not Super Bowl 11 the fucking playoffs in 77 when Sugar Bear Hamilton was already

in the air jumping at Ken Stabler and then he lets the ball go and they called roughing the passer and back then it wasn't a 15 yard penalty they put the ball where the guy threw it and it was the end of the game and he threw a 50 yard fucking prayer

Ray Hamilton's already in the fucking air lands on Ken Stabler, they call roughing the passer and they took the ball from like the 50 and put it on the fucking 1 inch line and then the Raiders went and won the fucking game so I don't want to hear anything about it but I am man enough

to say that the Tuck Rule is fucking horseshit and uh I think it's a fumble, you know but I'm not expecting that level of maturity from Raider fans, you know a fan base that goes to the game, you know dressed with um you know

spikes on your shoulder pads that have been checked by security to make sure that they're totally safe as you make a I'm not safe angry face hahaha um you know something that does bug me I can't stand when they fucking um

when people get upset that Hollywood has the audacity to have award shows and they always talk about these self-congratulatory night um like what business doesn't have an award show it's just not fucking televised you know

if you fucking drill for oil, you know they have the best of you know BP and all them they have their fucking yearly fucking Christmas party you know best regional manager goes to Clem Clemfield out of fucking Misha Walker

Clem I'm paying for that call girl tonight haha just kidding is his wife here you know they do and they give him a little fucking trophy they have salesman of the month shit you work at McDonald's you can get employee of the month you know you know they have franchises you join

the fucking Cub Scouts you tie your fucking shoes they give you a little badge to sew on your fucking shirt right why isn't Hollywood allowed to have that little fucking evening what is it huh

what is it that bugs you that there's a bunch of hot famous ass there haha ah Jesus I'm sorry you know what I want to see I want to see somebody go out there and defend Bill Cosby on an award show dead serious

and just fucking hold it and never let anybody in on the joke and then try to continue hosting and do it in the monologue let's see if they ask you back haha alright I'm done being a cunt um Pat's vs Kansas City

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throw a spoonful of peanut butter in there you know it's gonna melt off unless you have you know some built in excuse you know like a lot of overweight people do oh my metabolism is really slow yeah yeah that 8000 calories a fucking day dude

alright MVMT watches oh you know we only have 4 this week so why don't I do 2 and 2 let's do that alright let's get back to the thing here alright oh today as I'm rushing through this fucking podcast

I'm having somebody coming over looking at my garage today I even have to whisper this shit I somehow talked my wife into you know allowing me to have just have somebody come over and take a look at the garage I know I did that a couple months back

but then I got busy but now I got the person coming back again and I'm actually using her skills you know that she does with me that's how I ended up with the dog like we're not getting this dog we're just we're uh fostering the dog

for a couple days because she knew that I'd fall in love with the fucking dog and then that would be it so it's kind of like when you first start dating a woman um you know when she wants a relationship when she comes over your apartment what she starts to do is she leaves shit there because it gives her

an excuse to come back I mean it's fucking nuts right like they're thinking that far ahead all you're sitting there's like uh look at those tits uh where the fuck her right that's all you're thinking and they're sitting there plotting you know what I mean it's like you're some fucking head coach that has no game plan and she's across the

field like fucking Bill Walsh calling the first 25 plays of the game right oh I love a football life there's a nice reference to use um so you know what's fucking hilarious thinking what's the Patrice O'Neill benefits coming up once again uh I'll tell you a quick Patrice

story um he was so fucking brilliant that I remember he was dating this woman and you know or whatever seeing her and she started leaving shit around his house and I just had brought that up I go yeah you know I dated

this woman you know she left this shit here and she left that it's like what the fuck you know I only see her like you know once every two weeks he just has shit there so for two weeks I keep looking at her fucking brush or the shampoo she left or whatever and it just I keep thinking about her and it's annoying me

and Patrice just goes he goes so throw it out I go what he goes throw it out I go I can't throw it a brush he goes I would I go get the fuck out he goes yeah he goes I did that

he told me a story where there was a woman who was messing around with and she left these toiletries and a little bag of like you know makeup and brushing all that and he he fucking threw it out

and then she came back like a week and a half later and she goes to go in the bathroom she's like uh she's like hey what did you do with my my stuff he goes and he just plays dumb he goes what stuff she goes I left shampoo here a little makeup bag

he goes oh that was yours yeah he goes yeah I threw it out and she was like literally beside herself but actually on some level respected him for like fucking realizing what she was

doing and then also I think because that early on he clearly let her know in a very funny fucking way that he wasn't looking for a relationship and that she was able to relax and kind

of be thinking oh we're just fucking alright I wanted a little more he doesn't at least but he let her know so fucking early on that it didn't really hurt you know does that make sense I mean maybe I'm speaking for her but

I guess I am but whatever either way it was fucking funny oh Jesus was that the fucking worst I literally just jumped out of the plane a little fucking ripcord on that story sorry it's been a while it's been a while since I told that story hasn't it or have I told it before I don't

fucking know so anyway so I'm kind of using um the same fucking tricks that my wife used that got me the dog I'm using with her because we're gonna like why am I whispering here like she can't just listen to

the fucking podcast fucking sometimes how dumb I am it just really fucking so anyways what I want to do is I have this old school fucking you know my house is built in 1923 so the garage whenever it was fucking built

was built um to house like a fucking Model T Ford kind of car and those things those things you sat inside the fucking wheel wells you know what I mean if you look at old cars um

fenders used to flare out and then there was just the engine and you know you sat like literally like right behind basically where you sat I don't know if I'm explaining it correctly you know what I mean you're sitting inside the fucking wheel wheel wells right not like literally in them

but as far as like the line down the side of the car right like if you stuck your head out and you didn't have any fenders on it you'd be looking at the fucking tire right as opposed to you know the fucking road I know all you guys know what I'm talking about um it also

goes to show you like how fucking fat and big people have gotten you know what I mean two things if you ever go to Mount Vernon and you go to Thomas Jefferson's house and you have to duck underneath the fucking uh the uh the fuck do you call them the door frames you see how much

taller people are and then when you look at those old fucking cars the fact that two adults could sit side by side like that you probably won't even touch in each other you know so anyways what I'm trying to say is that my uh my garage is long and

skinny and it's like high up you know and uh and then it kind of flares out at the back as it kind of wraps around the back of the house a little bit so what I want to do the the front part is long enough for me to squeeze my truck in there um

but then in the back what I want to do is I want to turn that into like a little gym which my wife is all for and then I'm also pitching that I build maybe a little drum room that I could actually I got this drum kit that I bought that I have in cases that

if I want to play it I have to throw it in the truck and drive it down to a studio I'm thinking of making building like a room within a room which will add no value to the house unless I someday sell it to another fucking drummer who also whispers on his own fucking podcast like his wife can't hear it

fuck I'm still whispering you know why you know why because the guy's coming in like a half hour and my wife is asleep downstairs and she hears me yelling about it I might have to have this argument sooner than I'm prepared to have it so that is the game plan and like a couple

months back I bought those atomic holds um you know all those things like though that American ninja shit so down downstairs in the garage I want to just have those hanging from the ceiling so I can do all that grip strength shit that I want to get better at by the way I fucking started

working out for the first time in forever and I went to do go do pull ups holy shit I literally felt like I was like do I have sandbags in my pockets what the fuck's going on I did six good ones and whimpered through the last four I always try to do ten I can't even fucking do it it's pathetic

um so that's like the big exciting thing in my life right now and I got to kind of get this thing going um before my wife wakes up and find something else to do in the house you know maybe

I don't know so anyways by the way people I'm doing a gig in Vancouver I'm doing a gig in Vancouver Canada this Sunday night a last second one that was added because I left my January open because I'm still waiting to hear about

a season two we meet with Netflix this week to pitch them our ideas for season two so if you've already watched F is for Family I thank you so much because you've got me to at least getting the meeting so we'll see

we will see what happens with that and so I hadn't booked anything in January so now we're having some last second gigs coming up I'm gonna do a gig in Vancouver this Sunday and then I'm gonna do a couple dates one or two dates

I think right before the Patrice O'Neill benefit in the tri-state area we're still um trying to fucking iron those things out as we speak Jesus Christ Bill spit it out alright let's get to the the questions of this week um alright

inbox inbox where's the content here's the content no I had it on the other page what am I doing now there we go alright Bill Patriots First Kansas City Hello there Mr. Burr how's it going ya freckled cunt there how are ya

hope your holidays were just peachy same to Cleo and Nia today I just wanted to hear your honest and objective thoughts about the matchup between your pats and my chiefs this weekend I was just listening to your podcast from 12 7

15 where you said Casey won't win shit somebody tweeted me that I said that I talked so much trash I don't even remember saying that and I'm content that you may eat those words this week oh absolutely oh I absolutely might eat those words this week

but having said I think I meant well Casey won't win shit you're not going to win the Super Bowl that's what I mean my pick is the Seattle Seahawks which is not really a is not really a genius pick by any stretch of the means they've been there two fucking years in a row

um I mean didn't they win yesterday without Marshawn Lynch I was running back and forth trying to make lasagna noodles as far as I know I didn't see Marshawn Lynch in there my wife was also clicking back and forth to like the fucking Golden Globes

so um I just know that they uh no I won't wait that was that was the earlier one dude you know yesterday I watched I watched fucking Ohio State Indiana I watched two playoff football games

and I watched half of a Celtic game and fell asleep it was fucking ridiculous so I'm trying to remember what the fuck I saw this weekend but um no I don't think it's going to be an easy uh listen I gotta tell you this if we were fucking healthy we would kick the shit out of you

alright if we actually had an offensive line and Edelman was back and Amondola was back we had a fucking running game and we if we were healthy this is no fucking contest at home you know it and I know it right now Brady is driving a fucking rental car so you might go in there

and beat us and then you're going to get all fucking excited and loud and then you know what I don't know you know why would I root against you guys hey you know what you guys hey you guys haven't won since what 1970 alright what was that uh what was that

fucking Hank Stram call power trap cross 57 power trap cross what the fuck what was that thing called I don't remember you guys having uh when you beat the fucking Vikings Jesus Christ going way back

you beat the AFL team that fucking sold out maybe that's why they're cursed maybe that's why they've lost what did they lose three three four Super Bowls three Super Bowls alright they lost to the fucking chiefs they lost to the packers

they lost to the dolphins they lost to the Steelers is that right wait the dolphins lost to the cowboys then they beat the Vikings and they beat the Redskins that's right chiefs beat the Vikings Green Bay beat

the chiefs they didn't beat the Raiders did they they beat the Vikings right no the Vikings would have been in the NFL by then I don't fucking remember whatever you lost like fucking three of them maybe because you didn't stick with the AFL guys does that make any sense

whatever good luck to the chiefs this week good luck to the Patriots obviously my heart is with the Patriots but uh you know I don't know I didn't like that dolphins game where every time Brady the few times he went back to pass there was just somebody right in his grill every fucking time

but whatever the end of the fucking day we have the greatest fucking quarterback and coach of all fucking time so go fuck yourself I think we're gonna beat you it'd be no fun if I just said good luck to you guys so fuck you guys you don't stand a chance

there now if you beat me you got something to talk about then you can trash me and I can fill out a fucking hour next week on the podcast um alright drive to school oh by the way Alabama the dream is tonight Alabama Clemson

I have no I don't know shit about either team I was so fucking busy in the fall I didn't get to watch any of it but of course um I wouldn't care if Alabama won but Clemson hasn't won in a while so I'd love to see them win however if if Alabama wins it just makes

the Cleveland Browns futility even funnier to me because the dumbest fucking move ever do you realize that they had Bill Belichick and Nick Saban coaching their team and they fired them the fucking Paul Brown

Vince Lombardi of the modern day NFL and the Paul Brown Bear Bryant Vince Lombardi of NCAA Division 1 football they had them both coaching together and they fired them

so if Alabama as a Cleveland Brown fan you have to be rooting for Clemson you just have to you guys have had enough fucking pain right who knows maybe LeBron can get you over the hump this year you know

I always root for Cleveland like I said I have relatives family that grew up out there and all that type of shit I actually love Cleveland so however I also love a good joke so if Alabama wins tonight it'll still be funny anyways continue on drive to school hey Bill I've been a fan of yours since the ONA days and Chappelle show

somewhere along the line I had a kid and he's old enough to listen to some of your podcast I listened to it with him on the drive to school I listened to the whole episode beforehand and cut out any of the stuff that is a bit heavy or sexual

Jesus you're a fucking great dad when you start editing their content you know look at you you're a regular typical not because I'm sheltering him but because we don't need share certain podcast moments

when you talk of jizz and some skank before 8 a.m. exactly let the kid have a childhood trying to keep it light and positive with the exception of the funny negative anyways I wanted to tell you that it's the best thing we got going we listened to about 15 minutes a day

it puts him and I in a laughing mood which he needs schools a lot of work these days and he always got a ton of homework and projects in the morning this wakes him up sometimes we pause and talk about certain things or I'll explain certain stuff to him about politics sports etc

in other words correct the dumb shit that I said all that father son stuff thanks for the parental assist that's great who would ever thought my ignorance could be hot woman anyways I'm already regretting

fucking making funny Ricky Gervais why did I do that shit but you know I mean he's making fun everybody on the show it's only fair right they're showing up with fucking acceptance speeches and he's got all those fucking zingers at him and his writing staff wrote it's only fair that's why I like Mel Gibson

Mel Gibson gave him shit back I don't understand why people just go out smiling they should fucking trash him vasectomy dear Bill I don't want to get a vasectomy I just don't my wife and anyone else who chimes in on the subject started trying to break down positives

and point out the lack of negatives ever just not want something I just don't want one can you believe this or you with everyone else that it must be rooted in some fear etc fuck that dude fuck that are you fucking kidding me

do you think you could fucking tell a woman what the fuck to do with her body for two seconds before she just said you're a you're a chauvinistic cunt yeah dude fuck that fuck that all day long that's your fucking dick in balls alright

not that they fuck with your dick if you don't fucking want them to go in there and snip snip whatever the fuck I've even looked up the operation I still don't get it I don't get it nothing comes out so does it stop your ability to make jizz

do they put an utter down there where you gotta milk the jizz out it's disgusting I don't get I don't get what happens but fuck that fuck that fuck that just just sit down do I say listen I don't want to do that and she'll be like why why not

you're just you're just fear-based it's like no it isn't I don't want to be walking around and it like dude you know what that's like you're like a muscle car and they want to rip the engine out and put a fucking v6 in there fuck you

and keep your Shelby badge on the side of your car and every day in the morning you wake up standing there looking at yourself after you got out of the shower knowing that it's a lie fuck that dude fuck you keep the bullets in that gun

alright she can't handle it you know you know what is she gonna do to you huh she gonna hold you down and make while someone else does it just yeah you don't want one dude you don't want one to the level

you're reaching out to a fucking podcast okay do you understand I would even use that in your argument just be like but don't play this audio though I would just say listen I so do not want to do

this that I actually wrote into a podcast to get advice that's how much I don't want to do this and then she'll just be like well maybe we need to go talk to somebody about it which means she's gonna set up an appointment with somebody who agrees with her alright

cause she's gonna set up the appointment going listen my husband needs to get a vasectomy he's very nervous he says he doesn't want to get it but it's gonna be the best for us and she's gonna totally set the fucking table it's like those dumb fucks that go on Dr. Phil you ever see those

sad sacks that go on that fucking show with their wife like they have a fucking prayer Dr. Phil's audience is women so he's gonna have to side with the woman every fucking time even if he you know he's gonna try to you know hide his hand and give her a little

bit of shit but at the end of the day he's gonna be looking at you going you need to get your balls snipped right he's gonna come at you like that while he sits there you know with his junk still fucking working you know he's got a giant

fucking unit doesn't he do that big fucking goof that big bald goof walking down the hall you know he's got a fucking giant fucking unit big great great dane balls I don't know why I think he's got a fucking giant

unit he does he's just like he's just dirt but dirt the way he talks he's just God always gives them big dicks it just I don't know what it is mom this giant size 16 brown wooden wing tips just

sitting across from you this gotta be the worst fucking show ever to be on oh my god I never thought about Dr. Phil's junk before you see that it takes somebody to fucking bring up a vasectomy you'll never be able to think about him again me and my big dick

say you need to listen to your wife alright jumping out of a plane hey Bill where are you at on jumping out of a plane if you're a chicken shit American I'm a Brit how much money would it take you to jump

I got a bet with my mate that you hate heights and it take 500,000 US dollars don't change your answer to be contrary to what I just guessed keep it fair good sir thanks Jesus another arrogant Brit these guys think they're fucking

geniuses I've already done it you fucking idiot and I paid someone to do it I paid I went to in Pepero Massachusetts when I was 19 years old and I didn't do a tandem jump either I did a static line jump I've told this

story on the podcast sir if you're a little bit more up on it and also I have a pilot's license I fly helicopters so if I was afraid of heights I mean I'm afraid of heights look if I don't have a parachute on my back

and I'm not in a in a vehicle that's designed to fly then yes I'm afraid of heights like I don't like you know like if you like one time I watched a YouTube video and they just showed these guys that had to climb up to the top of this fucking

building and then they took the elevator they were on the roof and it was already on the fucking roof this building was so fucking high up and you know the wind up there must be

ridiculous I would literally just lay down in the fetal position and crawl back to the fucking door that leads to the stairwell reach up to the handle and fucking go back down but this this dude then climbs the fucking whatever the

radio tower or whatever and it just keeps getting higher and higher and higher and the tower gets smaller and smaller and smaller and he's hooking and unhooking his safety line and obviously I couldn't

I mean obviously the guy lived because it's his GoPro on his helmet and I've never been so fucking unsettled watching something in my life okay then I would hate heights but I think at that point everybody hates heights but um yeah when I was 19 years old

I went to this place in Pepperville, Massachusetts which I don't think exists anymore there might still be an airport there and they had and uh I did the static line jump if you've ever seen that movie uh Fandango one of Kevin Costner's earlier

ones where the dude from uh Breakfast Club uh Judd Nelson his character jumps out um that's exactly what I did and I remember when we went up the command was sit in the door get out and then

he slapped you on the shoulder and said go and uh I remember when he said sit in the door I thought he was saying close the door so I was reaching up I'm sitting down reaching up trying to close the door and he had this big smile on his face like he thought I was chickening out I feel like I just told this story on the podcast

and then I finally realized I was saying sit in the door so you sit in the door and basically it's one of those planes where the the wing is above the aircraft you know what I mean it's on top of the aircraft as opposed to below which actually gives you a much better sight I would think

as far as if you wanted to look down um and then there's the support that goes to the side of the plane so and then right above one of the landing wheels the wheels don't retract on this plane they had uh welded a little step so

you sat in the fucking door and I forget how high we were at I want to say we were only like 1500 we weren't that high up because your shoot immediately comes out um so you sit in the door then he goes get out

and then what you do is you reach out and you grab that support beam from the wing and you hold on to that while one of your feet is uh is standing on that little step thing and then basically what you do is I'm literally acting this out so I can remember it is you then

basically you bend your arms and you bring your chest like flush with the support beam and then the the foot that's dangling you put it straight out behind you it's almost like a yoga pose so we're sitting the door get out

and then he slaps your shoulder and he goes go and you let go and then you arch you arc right arc one arc one thousand two one thousand three one thousand look if nothing look reach pull and when you're looking you're looking over your your shoulder to see if your shoot

came out and then if nothing you look down at the handle reach pull it because for some reason they say if you don't look down you might be flailing because you're panicking because it's the first time you jumped and the shoot didn't come out

sorry cayenne pepper ah hang on a second so anyways I get out he goes go I let go and instead of arching I I don't know what I did I just reached for something

all I know is I started doing front front flips as my shoot was coming out and I felt it go by my leg the inside of my leg I felt it go by my leg I felt something hit that and I was immediately

thinking oh my god I'm gonna roll right up in this fucking thing like you know when you put bacon on shrimp and the second I had that thought like the shoot already had come out and by the grace of god I didn't get

tangled up I think about that sometimes like how easily I could have fucking died um and then boom your shoot comes out and when your shoot comes out you don't even feel like you're falling because there's nothing going past you because you're above the tree line and all that

so you just feel like you're just sort of suspended in the air and there was a radio and this lady just talked to you and she said pull the left toggle and you had to pull it all the way down to your knee because I remember there was this this big girl in the class and she couldn't get it around her hips and

she landed across the street in a pile of loom and dislocated her knee I remember that before and then I went up after her and I was just like fuck um and then they have this ridiculous you know when you get to the tree line you suddenly realize how fast you're falling

I think it was like 17 feet per second or maybe 11 feet I can't remember but it was really fast it was like basically you know jumping off of a basketball rim like how fast you'd come down it had to be a little bit slower right oh no because you're not reaching terminal velocity

I don't fucking know so all I know is when you hit the ground what you were supposed to do was look straight ahead because for some reason if you look down at your feet what you were going to do they were worried you'd pick your feet up too quickly and somehow break your legs so what you had to do is look straight ahead and as

right as you hit the ground you're supposed to do this little fucking like collapse down and then this big ridiculous bring your both your legs straight up in the air and then over to your side I don't know why I doubt that they still have people do that and I did what everybody else did

is I came down and the second my feet hit the ground I did a face plant right into the grass and my buddy grabbed the mic from the person and called me a dickhead something like that what a dickhead or something in the

in the radio so yeah there you go so I did it and what are you basing chicken shit American on huh are you tough guys over there with your fish and chips have you done it yet 500 US there's nothing

if I don't want to do something I wouldn't do it there's not money that you can give me and all you guys give me a fucking break now I'm making great money I got enough money I got enough money I'm good to take my life in my fucking hands now

that's one of those things now when I was back working at the warehouse I mean granted I pay somebody when I was working in a fucking warehouse I shit you know let's see how much would they I mean if they gave me literally

if you gave me $400 you would have doubled my pay for the week so I would have done that well let's see let's go back to the building to climb up that building how much money would they have to give me

when I was working in the warehouse $800 and that now for that that building I would say yeah I just wouldn't do it that's not I'm all right I'm all set I'm all set I should actually send you guys that video

so it's not that I hate heights sir I hate risking my life to that level if there's like a parachute or something like that it is a bungee cord or there's like a safety line

that's fine but you know going up that tower you have to unhook the safety line and then hook it back up and there's wind and shit fuck that that's too much of a risk I wouldn't do that but uh you know I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about

college cooking dear Billy Boyardy oh that's a great one what a great one Billy Boyardy oh fuck I gotta wrap this up this guy's coming in 12 minutes I'm sure everyone is blowing you up to make another cooking video

so don't worry this isn't that I'm a college student I know you've lived like a college student in the early 30's from past stories about living with Bobby Kelly dude we weren't living like college students we were living like fucking animals do you have any menu suggestions

besides pasta what would you mix together I'm pretty creative and I do alright but I'm open to some suggestions what's good to throw together on a budget and on a fly you know what dude I would go to um

this is what I would do I would go on youtube and I would ask that question and you'll find videos and then just start searching and at some point you're gonna connect with somebody and I feel like I'm you know dropping the ball here on the question

but like I'm not a chef I'm not even a cook I'm really early on this to this myself so that's what I would do there's a bunch of old episodes of Mario Batali's M-O-L-T-O Mario um

I really suggest watching those just watch the guy I used to just watch the show and just by watching it you learn things and you start to see how things are made um and uh the big thing is not having

you just have to to learn shit in life you have the the mindset of like you know I'm gonna fuck this up probably the first time and that's alright and then I'll get a little better like the pasta I already just even just running it through the pasta maker I already have like three

three fucking things that I'm not gonna do the next time um and by the way somebody gave me a great tip after you've needed the dough and you put it through your pasta maker be sure to douse like both sides with flour because if you don't it's gonna tear

it could tear when you're in there because it's supposed to be like sticky and elastic at the same time and uh when you run it through there um yeah you could you could possibly have some issues and it tears and then it's a big fucking pain in the ass and then you get sad you feel like a fucking failure

and you're not you had the balls to try it so I would uh I'd go that Rachel Ray's got a great bunch of great ones from back in the day everybody always makes fun of her but she would eat her 20 minute meals that little fucking laugh she'd do I used to watch her shit all the time

that's great shit for probably where you're at but I would also google some stuff like that um but it's great as a college student if you start to learn how to cook if you start to learn how to cook right now and you

do it religiously you are gonna be a fucking beast compared to the average person um 30s dude forget it and if you add like shit like learning how to how to make a pie crust because then you can make turkey pie pie you can make quiche you can make all of this shit

you start making homemade pasta forget it it's fucking over then you learn how to do all this other stuff I forget what I mean I made it with Nia I was really concentrating on making the pasta she did the bolognese and then she did the whole milk sauce thing but I just was watching her do that

where you heated up some butter and some flour and then you heated up some milk then you poured the whole thing together instead of using like ricotta cheese um or any of that type of shit um you used this really rich milk thing it was almost too much

the fucking dish was like it almost tasted like a dessert it was so fucking good but um I didn't know how to do shit when I was your age so I think it's great that you're doing it um you know you want how about blue apron sign up for that shit and just you know

steal some of their meal ideas and then expand on them if there's a style of cooking that they give you then you go on youtube and uh you just start looking at recipes about that like you know what I don't know anything about

which is weird because I love the food is any sort of asian style um cooking I actually smoked some ribs and I had this uh this dipping sauce that was like a uh you know whatever Chinese or Japanese

influenced you know with the fucking soy sauce and all that and it was and I was in a part of the grocery store that I never went to and it was the shit it tasted great and um that's something I was kind of thinking this year I want to get down pasta and

start to have some asian type dishes in there so if there's anybody out there that can help me with that I'd appreciate so anyways the guys coming here in eight minutes I gotta upload this fucker um I'll talk to you later