Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-12-15

Episode Date: January 12, 2015

Bill rambles about the Dez Bryant catch, whiskey dick and powdered wigs.

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No, it's not January 12th, what the fuck. Well, wait a minute, the 17th is Saturday, Fridays is 16th, 15th, 14th, 13th, 12th, yeah, it's the fucking 12th. I'm on the road and I gotta keep my voice down here because I'm in the fucking hotel room and I don't feel like... It also always happens, whenever I do a podcast in the hotel room, somebody eventually knocks on the door because I'm screaming cunt too loud. You know, if I was screaming bastard, that would be fine. Okay, but if I screamed cunt, then all of a sudden they start thinking about NFL players in their bottom lips quivering. And they realize that they gotta get it right. Gotta get it right.

Gotta get it right. And then they come up here and then I have a fucking problem. So anyways, this is gonna be my tone for the fucking week. I'm in New Orleans, do you know what it means to miss New Orleans? That's where my baby goes. Got an acting gig out here for a couple of days, couple of days. And yeah, that's it. Anyways, do you guys watch the football this weekend?

How exciting was the goddamn football? This fucking city is so fucking shady, man. I love it, but it's fucking shady. I've never been in a city where you feel like it's Christmas and you can get your fucking throat slit at any second. I mean, that is New Orleans in a nutshell. That and there's not a vegetable to be found in this city. Anyways, let's go with the first thing first, the Packers Cowboys game. All right?

I get it. The fact that that isn't ruled a fucking catch, and I know everybody's sick of it at this point, but I don't give a fuck. If I saw one more nerd who looked like he could even catch a fucking beach ball underhanded in a fucking playroom, explain to me why watching Des Bryant catch that ball and then have it said it wasn't a catch. I was going to fucking throw the TV out the way I wasn't going to do that. Come on. I get sued, you know? I'm not that kind of guy, but it's fucking unbelievable.

The guy, this is what kills me about that fucking rule. He goes up, catches the ball, runs three steps. And then because he's so fucking athletic, he's got giant hands. He can hold the ball in one hand against his wrist. As he goes down, he has the presence of mind to try to get it as close as he can to the goal line. It hits the ground, pops out, and then they go, it's not a catch. And every fucking thing about him catching the ball is not admissible under the rule. The guy catches the ball, not admissible, moves it from one hand to another,

not admissible as far as control, runs three steps. You can't count the steps. It was like some boss hog shit, right? Then fucking extends his arm. He didn't extend it far enough. And then he fucking, it hits the ground and pops out. Yeah, no catch. I'm trying to wrap my head around that fucking rule that all of that,

all of Des Bryant catching that football is not admissible. Because, I don't know, maybe the rule is a good rule because, as they're saying, they want a clear cut definition of what is a catch and what isn't a catch. I love that the ref thought it was a catch and then it's supposed to be like irrefutable evidence to like, I almost couldn't say the word, evidence, evidence that, I don't know, I just, I just fucking blew my mind. Like, when they caught the ball, they gave it to them. Let's just say the Cowboys punch it in then, then they were up, what, three, four, whatever.

And then you get the excitement of the Packers get the ball back and Aaron Rodgers, and they got two minutes. You got this unbelievable end to the game as opposed to, wow, wow. You know, we're sorry. What you just saw happen didn't really happen. Fuck it. That is, I gotta tell you, that is the worst. I can't say it's the worst.

Like the Tuck rule is the worst fucking rule I ever seen in my life. And that's coming from a Patriots fan. The Tuck rule is the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my life. There was never a problem with, you know, 90% of time, even before instant replay, was his arm going back or was it going forward? You know, incomplete pass or a fumble. That whole thing that, but if you then tuck it against you like a little fucking loaf of bread, that that becomes what an incomplete pass, the dumbest fucking rule I've ever seen in my life.

And before you rate of fans feel vindicated that I'm saying this, know that you have a Super Bowl trophy. And I've, I remind you this because you guys are so busy dressing up like fucking Alice in Wonderland before you go to the game. All right, you bunch of theater majors that you forget that Super Bowl 11, you won that on a horrific roughing the passer call that put the ball all the way down on the one yard line. Okay, against the New England Patriots. So it evened out. Okay, it evened out, right?

So we have one that we shouldn't have and you have one that you shouldn't have. So we're fucking even, but Jesus Christ. And my Patriots had the biggest fucking win ever. I can't get over the fact that they fucked me as a fan and said that that wasn't a catch and an exciting end of that game. And instead, see how we long, how we long look, look pissed. It's like that's a fucking catch. Exactly. It is a fucking catch, but now with these new nerd rules, you can't count the steps. Why?

He added in his both of his hands. You can't count that. You can't count it. He extended his hand. He didn't extend it far enough to fuck more. Does the guy after Des Bryant basically got punished for having gigantic hands and being athletic? You know what I mean? Because anybody else would be so psyched.

They just got the ball. They would have fucking tucked it in and it would have been a catch, but he was so fucking athletic that despite the fact that that guy was pulling him down to the ground, he still fucking caught it. He was going down to the ground. He still maintained possession of the fucking ball and then has a presence of mind to see the goal line and try to get it across, which is that's what caused the ball not to be caught. He's because Des Bryant is so fucking good.

I mean, that's another thing is the Cowboys spent all this fucking money on this guy. Our first round draft pick for that exact moment in the game and the guy delivered and that stupid rule takes it away. Ah, fucking unreal. Jesus Christ. Is there anybody remotely athletic looking who can actually get on the TV and tell me why that isn't a fucking catch? Put it this way. I understand why Howie Long thought it was a catch and that fucking nerd who goes, well, you know, you can't count the steps.

Ah, you can't. I know he has a ball of both hands, but it has to be clear and present danger with a motive involved. And you got to take the due process. Whatever the fuck he was talking about is you're watching literally like he was almost like a cult leader who was just telling you what you were seeing wasn't happening. So you still think, you know, his version of Jesus or whatever. He caught the fucking ball. There's another thing, another rule.

Let's just talk about NFL rules here. Ground can't cause a fumble. Why? The ground causes a fumble every fucking game. I see it all the time. The ground can't cause a fumble. You just don't call it. The ground causes way more fumbles than Lawrence Taylor ever fucking did.

Ground can't cause a fumble. That's bullshit. You should say we don't count it if the ground causes a fumble. I mean, that's, that's how I looked at that play. Desbron caught the ball and then the ground caused the fumble and then he fucking recovered it. No, not according to rule number 98.75 in the book of Genesis. What a crock of shit that fucking rule is. Or is it a good rule and it just had an unfortunate time of rearing its ugly head.

I got to wait a second. Is all those fat cheese eating morons are fucking nodding their jowls right now. Can you hear it? Can you hear him shaking up in Rhinelander? Whatever the fuck I used to do gigs out there. And I didn't have a fucking dog in that fight. I just as an NFL fan was like, oh my God, the Cowboys are now going to get a touchdown and go up. And I get to see if the Packers can answer and just, no, no, no, the nerds come out with their fucking protractors.

Do you understand that they just said you can't count the steps? The guy caught the ball and is running as he's falling to the ground. He's still running because he's that level of an athlete and they go, you can't count that. All right, whatever. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I mean, that almost killed the excitement I had of the Patriots beating the Ravens. That's how much I fucking hate this.

The turn that sports have taken, you know, where they got all these fucking causes attached to everything and people crying during the fucking commercials and then this shit. You get to watch a guy make a fucking great catch and then it's taken away because of the last cunt hair of the fucking move. That's what they look at. Everything else of that amazing play. Nah, it doesn't count. Doesn't fucking count. And there's another thing too. The amount of fucking morons that don't understand the definition of karma.

Who sat there and said, that's karma, baby. You know, because there was a shit call the week before that went in favor of the Cowboys. The Cowboys didn't make the call. All the Cowboys are guilty of is showing up in playing the Detroit Lions. If anybody's going to pay for those bad calls, it's the refs. The refs fucked the Lions, not the Cowboys. So then the refs come back the next week. And what are they doing?

Are they evening out their karma? What does that mean? So that means I could go out and go murder somebody and then the next week I help an old lady across the fucking street and then it's even. It isn't. They fucked. They fucked up two weeks in a goddamn row. I don't know. I just, I can't fucking believe that's not a catch.

This is the stupidest thing ever. He caught the ball. You can't count that. He's still going down to the ground. Yeah, he's getting tackled. He had to jump over the guy. He's getting tackled and he's still maintained control of the fucking ball. And anybody who tries to say when he reached out with that ball that that ball isn't right as rain and it's not even moving and that Desbrained does not have completely complete control of that.

You're a pack of fan or you're a fucking, I don't know what you are. I don't know what you're looking at. He clearly has, like the fact that it has to be up against your fucking body. The guy's clearly reaching towards the goal line. All right, I'm done. I'm done. All right, we're going to go reverse here in reverse direction. We'll do the Sunday games and then the Saturday games.

The Colts beat the Broncos. Both Paul Verzi and Jason Lawhead both called that. Lawhead even went as far as to say that if the Colts rushed for 100 yards against the Broncos, they were going to win by two scores. So he extra called it. And once again, I feel vindicated after 10 years way back in the day when we were winning championships and they were still saying if you had to build a team. You know, if I had to pick a guy, I'd go with Peyton Manning over Tom Brady. I'm telling you, I don't know what the fuck it is. I don't know what the fuck it is, but you saw it this weekend.

One guy was down by 14 points twice and still won the game. And the other guy, you know, you saw what happened. Okay, I'm sick of that fucking argument. All right, I've said it forever. If you want 600 yards in October, you know who you want. If you want to win in January, you know who you want. All right. That's it.

Go fuck yourself. Okay. And hey, Colts fans, how psyched are you that he was on the other side of the ball now? You know, you got Andrew Luck. You know, I love about Andrew Luck is, I guess, you know, going to Stanford, he was a three point something GPA. And I guess he's a super smart guy. I love the fact that he's a super smart guy, but he looks like he should be barefoot wearing overalls sitting next to a moonshine still. You know, he looks like right out of like central casting, like he'd just be sitting there with some straw hanging out of his mouth.

And I think that they're going to give the Patriots a hell of a fucking game next weekend. That's once again, just like when we played the Ravens. I wasn't going to be surprised if we lost at home because, dude, the fucking ravers, man, what an organization they are. You know, losing all those guys, Ed Reed, Ray Lewis and Ray Rice, and they still come out. They got a beast at running back. How fucking horrific did we look against the run? That guy must have averaged like 12 yards per carry in the first half. That game was an absolute classic and I'm not going to fucking shit talking or anything about that because I actually, I like the Ravens.

I think their organization is, I think they're a great fucking organization. And I wish that we had the knack for drafting, drafting defensive players the way they do or whatever the fuck they're doing down there. So I didn't see the Seattle game because I was flying out, flying out to New Orleans, but I did see bits and pieces of it and I'm sticking with that. That's my pick to win the Super Bowl is going to be the Seattle Seahawks are going to repeat, unless they completely fuck up, which would be fun to see, you know, with all the bandwagon Seahawk fans now, which you always get when you've got the bandwagon fucking Patriots fans, all those jerk offs coming to the stadium now dressed like fucking Paul Revere. Showing up to the game with your dumb, long rifle, whatever the fuck you're doing. Where were those guys? Where were those guys back in the day when the Sullivan Stadium looked like some glorified high school program where the fuck were they? They were nowhere.

So I'm not shitting on, when I shit on Seahawk fans, I'm not shitting on those people that fucking sat in the kingdom. And Seahawk fans, you know who the fuck I'm shitting on. I was fucking jerk off showing up, painting themselves green. Who does that with your construction helmet? This, how many of those fucking people that wear those construction helmets are actually construction people working on a job site? How shameful would that be? If you actually showed up wearing a construction helmet and you can't construct anything, right? I would be as offended if you showed up wearing a fucking apron and you couldn't make a pie crust from scratch.

Fucking jerk off showing up with your fucking American flag on the side of your helmet. Oh god, turns out you're an accountant who just does P90X. And who paints your back? That's what I want to know. Is it your buddy? Does he put the green makeup on your back? The whole fucking thing, it's just so dungeons and dragons, it just gives me douche chills. I can't handle it. So anyways, next week, I'm going to be honest with you, I don't know who the fuck's going to win. I have no idea man, I'm sticking with my pick that Seattle's going to repeat and you know, and other than that, I just got a bunch of cliches if anything can happen, if anybody can beat the fucking Seahawks, it's the fucking Packers or whatever.

I think it's going to be Patriots Seattle in the Super Bowl and I don't know. The fact that we got absolutely no pressure on Joe Flacco and we were actually getting manhandled by two rookie linemen, I don't think that that's a good thing considering they have Wilson and fucking whatever the fuck his name is there, who ran through the entire Saints, Marchand Lynch. I don't think that's going to be a good thing for us. And yeah, I would say that, I would say that and just as far as like the defenses that we played up against to see how much Brady has been on his back, to then go up against Seattle who looks like they are the best fucking defense out there. Like I just, I mean, it's not fucking rocket science.

I mean, obviously as a Patriots fan, I hope that we would beat them, but I don't know. I don't fucking, I don't fucking know. Dude, you know, I can't fucking get over the fact that they took that fucking catch away. Jesus Christ, what a fucking buzzkill. And then you just get to watch them run out the clock. Anyways, let's get to some of the fucking advertising here for this week. All right, Vegas.com isn't the one for my listeners 10% off everything excluding air hotel packages go to Vegas.com right now. And when you book hotels, shows and activities get 10% off when you enter my code burb, B U R R all lowercase levels.

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I got here. I should probably read one more balance them out here. National Academy of Sports Medicine. Jesus Christ. This is pretty hoity-toity for my podcast. They're here. Everybody New Year's resolutions. Everyone's got one.

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That's myusatrainer.com, myusatrainer.com. Restrictions apply. Visit myustrainer.com for details. Why do they make you say it three times? Every fucking one of them. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that's bull, bull, bull, bull, bull, bull. It's like, yeah, I fucking got it. Sorry, I'm in such a cutty mood.

Fucking goddamn blueballs I have watching that fucking Packers, goddamn fucking game. Come on, it's a football fan. You didn't want to see the Cowboys score and then see Aaron Rodgers come down and answer it? Yeah, go fuck yourselves. Anyways, hey, what can I talk about this week? Oh, as far as the helicopter license thing goes, I sold it for the first time this week off airport. The first one I did was 45 minute round trip, but the second one I flew for three hours and six minutes by myself over the LA Basin. And I'm not going to lie to you, that was the scariest fucking thing I've ever done in my life.

And I told my instructor that too when I came back. I was told I was scared shitless and he laughed his ass off and said that he was too. So it actually made me feel normal because I got to be honest with you. By the time I got back to the airport, I didn't want to fly anymore. I was looking down at the Hobbs meter and I had to have three hours by myself or else this lesson didn't count. And I got there and I looked down and I was like 24 minutes short, like the Hobbs meter rolls in like six minute intervals. So I was six times four is 24 minutes short. So I had to fly the fucking traffic pattern for like 24 minutes before I finally set the thing down.

And I'll tell you my favorite part of the flight was when I pulled the mixture and the fucking engine shut off. The scariest fucking thing. It was also awesome. You know what it is? It's in between in between airports is cool. Making the radio calls on that, even though I fuck them up. It's it's the going when you get to an airport. It's like, am I going to be able to see it? Am I going to get in the traffic pattern the right way? Do I know which way the runways all of that fucking shit, even though you know it,

you just sitting there going, oh my God, what if I fuck this up? What if I fuck this up? What if I fuck this up? And it's the biggest fucking relief. When you join the traffic pattern, you get clearance and everything and you did it right. I did one came in low approach and then took off, which means I don't land. And I was like, okay, thank God, thank God, that's fucking over. And then I had to go land at this other one. And I don't know, I came back and I was on the wrong fucking frequency and I'm calling the fucking airport and then I, you know, they're not hearing what I'm saying and I'm going and the information I need is in the compartment under the seat.

So I'm literally going like, now what the fuck do I do? Do I got to fly back to the other airport, get into their airspace? That's what I got to do. Now I got to ask them what the fucking frequency is. But fortunately, the tower picked it up, saw me coming in and told me what frequency I needed to be on, which was such a fucking relief. And dude, I gotta tell you, I fucking, I've gone skydiving. I did doing stand up showtime at the Apollo. I'm trying to think like other than, you know, maybe, I don't know, walking into the ocean.

I went snorkeling one time in the fucking Caribbean and that was, that was right up. There was nothing as scary as that. Just looking over at that fucking empty seat, just going like, if anything fucks up right now, this is on me. Fucking emotionally spent. Then I went home and I, I'm not going to lie to you, I had a belt of whiskey and I felt a little better. But then a couple of nights later, I had my first night flight and did that with an instructor. It was the coolest fucking thing I ever did. And I actually got to transition Bravo airspace over fucking LAX at night.

It was the coolest thing I ever fucking did as far as flying. As I'm flying, you know, you transition, I think it was like at 1500 feet. There's literally like a commercial jet landing underneath you. It was fucking unreal. It was fucking unreal. I felt like I was in diehard. I'm not going to lie to you, man. Flew all the way up to Camarilla airport, landed there and it's just a whole other fucking world.

So I'm flying this little egg beater, right? Robinson R 22. Look it up. Yeah, I know. It looks fucking small and it is small. It's basically the smart car of fucking helicopters. But what I like about it is because it's so not complex, there's way less shit that can possibly fail on the fucking thing. But anyways, you land at these airports and then you just see, you just see this whole other world of just people you don't run into because they have their own airplanes.

You know, like, I don't know what these people do for a fucking living. But my instructor is going like just pointing out the planes. That's 8 million. That's 15 million. That's a G six. Jerry Jones of the Cowboys has one. That's 52 fucking million, 52 million dollars. What are the monthly payments on that?

How do you even buy a jet? Is it like going in when you get a car and you go in there and some, you know, you're looking at the jet. You just walk up on the lot and then some scumbag comes walking around the other side. Hey, you like this one? That's a G six. It's got his hands in his pocket rubbing his fucking ball bag. What do we got to do today to get you in this jet tomorrow? I'm sure you don't, right?

I think when you buy big shit like that, don't you just call up, you know, I'm filthy red traveling like one of those plates. You just fucking, you know, stock it up with booze and whores and they give it to you with a big bow on it. Isn't that what you do? Pay for it with your blood diamond money. I don't, I don't know what the fuck happens, but yeah, I'm about a month out. I got six more flights and I'm doing all the pre the pre-test right now to finally go and get my license and I can't fucking wait. I can't fucking wait. This is something that I never thought I'd be able to accomplish because I'm fucking stupid.

And I knew I'd be able to fly the goddamn thing, but it's the ground school and all the science and physics behind it. I thought I was going to fuck up, but I actually, I actually really enjoyed it. I was having flashbacks when I was in high school and I didn't know the answers and all that shit. I didn't get stuff, but fortunately I had really good instructors. So it's been going pretty good so far. That's all I can tell you. Part of that night flight came out of the valley, went right up over Griffith Park, flew between the observatory and the fucking Hollywood sign. Then you just follow the roads, made a left down the fucking 101, went right down downtown LA and as I come and flying down, started heading south.

I'm seeing this thing. It looks like the top of a smokestack. Like what the fuck is that? And it was the fireworks over Disneyland. He almost killed me. I was saying to my instructor going, that's Disneyland, Disneyland is right fucking there. Like when you drive to Disneyland from fucking Los Angeles, it seems like it's fucking 400 miles away. And I'm literally sitting in this helicopter looking back over my shoulder to roughly where I live and then looking over my other shoulder and I can see where Disneyland is and it's like, I could ride a bicycle there.

Anyways, I'm not born you with this shit. Let's get on to some of the reads here this week. Oh, by the way, here's something. This is, this is not even an advertisement. This is a good thing that you can do be the match.org. It's a national registry for donating bone marrow. They send you a kit. You swab.

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Thanks. Who the hell wrote that tons of emails. Calling you out on the traffic gap. 95% of them explain the importance of safety and efficiency. Two examples below. Okay, here we go. The traffic gap. Oh yeah, I got a lot of these people who talk about how they drive a stick shift.

First off, I have a stick shift. So rather than driving bumper to bumper and riding my clutch, I give myself some room so that once I see those red brake lights come on in front of me, I let off the gas and then accelerate again once the brake light goes off. I hardly ever have to come to a complete stop and shift. Yeah, it might sound selfish and lazy, but whatever. I'm sure it was some selfish texting jerk off that got in the accident up the road that caused all of the traffic to begin with. Oh yeah, there you go.

Justify how you don't understand how to drive a stick shift. You know, all you got to do, first of all, you're not riding your clutch. Riding your clutch is when you have it partially engaged and disengaged and you're hitting the gas. That is riding the clutch. All right, all you got to do is as you coast up, just put in a neutral and you can take your foot off. You could do that. You could give a fuck about the person behind you. Riding the clutch.

Anyways, I'm going to burn out my clutch, man. Doing what? Engaging it properly? Secondly, I guess you may be the other components of it, but the clutch itself, you're not going to burn out, right? Anyway, secondly, a lot of traffic is formed just because people are merging onto the highway and without providing some space, how the fuck will the flow start up again? Please tell me you're not one of those douches that doesn't let people merge because you think you have more important shit to get to. No, but I'm also not one of those douches that thinks that people changing lanes causes traffic.

Okay, what causes traffic is there's not too many fucking people and not enough lanes for the amount of people on the highway. I'm sure people cutting in and out doesn't help. Okay, but I change lanes all the time when I drive down the road and if there's nobody on the road, it doesn't cause traffic. Yeah, that's just some bullshit. And no, I let people on the road. I've actually, now that I've started flying, I have actually become a way more fucking courteous, a driver. And when somebody cuts me off and actually does a crazy move, so I don't flip out, I just go, ah, I've done that. It's a good move.

I can't get mad. I can't get mad at an aggressive move. It's that just that fucking just laying back 20 fucking car lengths. It's just so fucking selfish. Just pull up. Everybody wants to get to where they're going. Just inch up as the traffic is inching up. You do everybody else a fucking solid.

You're not burning out your clutch. You know, you decide you're the one who decided to get a fucking stick shift. Did you think you were never going to run into traffic? So now everybody behind you have to. Dude, I got a fucking on my old truck. That thing's a motherfucker to shift. I don't even have power steering on that goddamn thing. I come home.

I'm an old man. I'm tired when I drive it, but I still pull up. You lazy fuck. There's only a lot of traffic is swarmed just because. Oh, no, I actually read that. Okay. Number two. Hey, Bill.

On the on this last week's show, you worked yourself up into a normal. Your normal frenzy just thinking about dudes who leave space in front of them in traffic and couldn't fathom any reason why you someone could do this. The fact that you used the word fathom, I'm expecting. I'm accepting expecting that you're going to be doing something. You're going to really talk down to me here. I'm one of those guys, though, maybe not exactly what you were describing that leaves in front of my car and traffic.

There, there is a simple reason why fluid dynamics. A few years ago, I stumbled upon this website, trafficwaves.org, and it changed my whole way of thinking about traffic. I'm not a scientist, so I can't do as good a job explaining traffic as this guy. But essentially traffic jams can be thought of as traveling waves of condensation. And a single driver can disrupt these waves by anticipating jams and maintaining a constant rate of travel rather than engaging in stop and go traffic and go with the flow of stuff traffic.

A single driver has the effect of disrupting the traffic wave for the vehicles behind that driver. Yeah, I've done that. I've slowed how quickly I've come up, but I'm talking about leaving, leaving. Like, I know exactly what you're talking about. I actually experimented one time if I could drive slow, like, because you'll see like traffic moving up and stopping. So, and then you see the ripple of movement coming towards you.

And then as that ripple movement is coming towards you, you see where it stops, starts to move again. And then you experiment. Can I keep, keep everybody behind me to continue moving without having to step on the brake? I've done that, but you don't have to do that from fucking 50 fucking car links behind you. Because when you do that, everybody starts cutting into your lane. Anyways, I'll continue with what he's saying.

In other words, if I drive at a constant rate of speed approaching and through a traffic jam, so will other drives behind drivers behind me and the jam itself will disappear. No, it doesn't. It doesn't disappear. There's still a zillion cars in front of you and you're going half a mile an hour. So rather than going 18 miles an hour and then stopping and then going 18 miles an hour and stopping, you're just going to consistently go half a mile a fucking hour and then mathematically you feel like you're going faster.

Anyway, so besides saving me the mental stress of stop and go traffic, I drive a stick so it's especially annoying and save the wear of my car. I'm also improving the driving conditions for my fellow commuters. Oh Jesus, this guy's making himself into being a hero. Something to think about the next time you're screaming at the slow guy in front of you. I knew it. The second he said fathom, I knew there was going to be some sort of life lesson in there. You guys are fooling yourself.

Okay, you're eliminating the stop and go part of the traffic, but you're not eliminating the traffic and you're completely ignoring the fact that there's way too fucking many people on the road for the amount of fucking lanes. There's still traffic. All right. With the little ripple theater theory there, I don't buy into it other than the fact that you can keep it going at a ridiculously low rate of speed. I think it's common sense that somebody then cutting into your lane because they then take

up that space that that will cause you to stop. But this fantasy that if everybody just stayed in their lanes and coasted along that you wouldn't be late now and that there would be no traffic. I guess there would be no stop in the truck. They would still be fucking traffic. All right. There you go. Okay.

Devastated. Hi, Bill. I'm from the UK and I've recently discovered your brand of comedy. Wait, let's go back to the traffic thing. Okay. So how about everybody who's listening to this stuff? All right. How about you try to keep it moving by doing that type of thing while you also agree that

you're still in a traffic jam? Can we all do that? There's a little bit of both. Everybody. Devastated. Oh, and everybody who buys a stick shift know that you're going to be in traffic someday and that it's going to suck and don't make the person behind you have to fucking pay for your, you know, your fucking decision to get a standard rather than an automatic.

All right. Devastated. Hi, Bill. I'm from the UK and I've recently discovered your brand of comedy, which is fantastic. Well, thank you. My brother who lives in Pittsburgh was over in the UK in December and I was showing him your stand up on Netflix and he's now spreading the joy. However, imagine to our horror, when our 64 year old mom decides to tell us that she

really fancies the ginger guy you were just watching. What? I was just watching your work. He actually wrote your address. You mean you were watching my dad is a ginger. So I suppose it's understandable, not understandable, understandable. Keep up the good work. Love to see you in the UK sometime and go fuck yourself.

Wait a minute. I don't understand the whole, what the fuck was that whole thing? You enjoy me. Oh, fancies as in likes me thinks I'm a good looking guy. Oh, that's hilarious. That's right, buddy. Deal with it. Deal with the image of your mother riding me.

That's disgusting. I'm sorry. Jesus Christ, dude. You know, if you worked on your pronouns and your spelling, I could have got that all in one take. All right. Extra point. Billy Botch snap burr.

My brother and I were kickers back in the back in our day. He played D1 college football. I wasn't that good, but still better than most kickers in high school at the time. Anyways, I wanted to defend the extra point just like you do. It isn't the most difficult thing to do, but it's super, but it is super important. I've missed an extra point when time was expired, which resulted in a one point loss for our team. Jesus Christ.

Let me tell you that weighs on a person heavily as a kicker. You have all the eyes on you making a mistake that much more, making a mistake that much more noticeable. True story. While in college, my brother missed an important kick and received death threats for one kick. Quarterbacks and running backs can often be bailed out by excuses such as the line didn't block well or whatever. The extra point looks so easy because football fans are having the opportunity to watch someone

who takes time and puts effort into the craft of kicking. Watch a high school game or a college game where there's not a true kicker at the position and I'm sure 99.9% or whatever don't get made. I wouldn't say it's that high. I can make an extra point, but I still like the extra point. I am biased, I guess, but fuck it. Kicking is hard and unappreciated in my eyes. Underappreciated in my eyes.

Thanks for the last and go fuck yourself. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, listen. Verzi actually went for a no this weekend with his playoff picks. And if you don't believe him, listen to him gloat about it for an hour on his podcast. Dude, what did I say? I'm fucking amazing. But, you know, I'm one of those guys.

I like that. I like that nerdy shit. I'm so fucking sick and not being able to yell this week. Jesus fucking Christ. Anyways, what am I doing here? Clan problems. Oh, Jesus Christ. How fucking creepy is it?

By the way, that horrific thing that happened in France and now watching all these fucking people coming out there and trying to blame the goddamn religion over it. Like we don't have Jesus freaks that blow up abortion clinics. Fucking just fucking drives me nuts that adults can fucking think that way. You know what I mean? Good fuck. You could basically you could attach any bad thing that happens. All you have to do is just find out what religion the person is and then everybody in that thing is fucking is fucking wrong. Then they're fucking everywhere.

They're under your bed and then they try to get everybody into this giant panic. I don't fucking get it. It's like the whole fucking ISIS thing you're literally talking about. They don't have a navy. They don't have any fucking air support. They could come over here and they could do something horrific. Yes, but the level of what they could do versus what the fuck we can do. I'm just not going to get into this panic and I live, you know, I live in Los Angeles and I go to LAX all the fucking time. God knows what the fuck had happened.

All right, but to sit there and listen to these fucking jerk offs on TV. Try to get me into this fearful state that, you know, we have to, you know, just obliterate an entire fucking religion and just watching adults just give into that. It's just it's the most it's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. It's no different than like when that Ebola thing and everybody was freaking out because like 12 people had it. Oh my God. What's going to happen? What's going to happen is we're going to deal with it and everybody's going to be fucking fine. All right.

The shit that they say on TV is going to get a lot of innocent people, you know, something fucking horrible is going to happen to them. So that's your fucking response. You know, innocent people die so then more innocent people have to die. I don't know. Although fucking things depressing. And with that, let's talk about clan problems. I live in rural Alabama and I have a problem only someone in my savage ass backwards in bread area of the country could have. I'm a 25 year old female and my dad, my dad is a member of the local organization of the KKK.

By the way, it's it's the Ku Klux Klan, not the clue. Cool. All right. Like yin and yang. It's not yin and yang as I said forever. I also said the Ku Klux Klan. Anyways, he's he's a he's a member of the local organization of the Ku Klux Klan. I actually just for comedic reasons would love to go to a clan meeting just to listen to what they say.

And then I would just start talking and see how much shit I could make up just to hear him. I know, I know it. I was taking that the other day. A full racist slur spewing white supremacist. That's what a dad is. I have a six year old daughter that I have that I had after a one night stand. So the child is half Mexican, half white. Gee, I wonder how that happened.

He rebelled against your dad. Look at that. You attract what you fear. My dad, her grandfather treats her terribly, not not with like physical abuse or anything, but horrible, horrible name calling taunting in quotes. Go back to Mexico. You went back. He says that to a six year old to a fucking she wrote to a fucking six year old girl.

I like that. Go back to Mexico when the kid was born here. Even though she doesn't really understand what they are saying to her. It tears me up inside every time I take her to a gathering with them and subject her to this treatment. I really wish I could just disown him. That was going to be my suggestion. Move to another part of America that is actually civilized and wouldn't care about this, but I can't pull myself away from the fact that it is my father and we're supposed to love each other,

especially with the family centered society we have here in the south. But I feel like I'm being very selfish subjecting my daughter to this horrible abuse because I'm too weak to leave. What do you think I should do? First of all, you should stop being so hard on yourself. You can't pick who your parents are. And you know, you're not being weak because that is your dad and you're going to love them. I think you're actually a well adjusted person. You understand what you're doing to your daughter and I think you know the decision you're going to have to make.

And I don't know, I guess to make yourself feel better, I would try to give this guy another chance before he goes off to his clan meeting, you know, when he's got the sheet on but not the hood. Right as he's putting it on, just like, hey dad, can I talk to you for a second? And he just lifts up the sheet like, what was that? What do you want to talk about? Just give him a chance. Just say, listen, I'm going to leave if you don't stop. Ah, fuck that.

He's not going to stop. You got to leave. You should just leave and then Skype with them. You know, would that be the thing to do? Why don't I want to fucking horrible? I can't believe that there's still the clan. You know what I mean? This fucking, that's got to seem so surreal to be that.

That's like being in the clan, it's like wearing a powdered wig, you know? It's like, you still doing that? You know, they got hair plugs. Anyways, you know something, that actually depresses the shit out of me. I'm sorry that you're going through that, but I got to be honest with you. The South gets a bad rap as far as people thinking that that's the only place that there's morons that think horrible fucking things. Look at some of the shit that was said about Muslims, the Muslim religion anyways, after what happened in France by people who weren't in the South. These are people who actually were journalists, went to college and all of that type of shit.

So, I don't know. I don't fucking know, but I wouldn't do that to a kid if your parents were saying some stuff like that. That's just really not funny, is it? Alright, let's fucking read some advertising here for this week. Where the fuck is it? The live reads. Now why won't that pop up? I'm literally looking for the live reads and all I have right now is just a, there it is.

For some reason it was somebody drew the sun and it was smiling at me. Alright, Stamps.com everybody. One great resolution you can make for the new year. Maximize every minute and every dollar for your small business. I know an easy way to do that with Stamps.com. Think about how much time you're wasting going to the post office, driving there, finding parking, talking to the homeless guy holding the door. I'll get you on the way out. Stamps.com is the better way to get postage.

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And immediately, of course, the night before, I'm actually thinking like, what if somebody's chute doesn't open and that guy lands in my fucking main rotor, then what do I do? I plummet to my death, that's what I do. So anyways, we were coming up on that airport and we hear this guy come on the radio and he's talking to the people down on the ground. He goes, alright, he goes, that's the second time. He goes, that Korean guy jumped out of the airplane at full power because he's going to rip my tail off. Some fucking maniac.

I guess it was his second time he's gone up there skydiving. You're supposed to wait till the plane slows down so you fall away from the plane rather than go directly back into the, this fucking maniac jumped out at full power. And the combination of the anger and fear in this guy's voice because he almost just fucking died because this jerk off jumped out was hilarious to me. Anyways, anyways, what the fuck are you going to do? You know what's another scary thing too is when somebody announces their position and you're saying like, you know, I'm flying along the tent at 1500 feet westbound,

facing traffic or whatever and then you hear somebody else announce that they're in your same area headed eastbound and they're roughly the same altitude and immediately what I do is I either climb or go down a couple hundred fucking feet and you're just like, fuck, where is he? There he is, there he is. Thank Christ. All right, legal zoom everybody. What's your top New Year's resolution? If you're like me, it's getting your life organized. I didn't say that.

Why do they, why do they put fucking words in my mouth? What's my top New Year's resolution? I'm trying to do one cigar a month, even though I've already smoked in three. All right, let's, let's read this the way I am. What's your top New Year's resolution? If you're like me, it's cutting down on cigars. But where do you begin? Now this copy is not going to make sense.

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For legal help you can count on. For your family or small business, go to legalzoom.com, promo code Burr. Yeah, I got to do that shit. I really got to do that shit. So many people I know has fucking passed away. Anyways, I was speaking and watched another great comic past the other day. Taylor Negron, everybody. I only met him one time.

I met him down at the Improv on Melrose and I told him how much I loved his area rug joke. You guys ever see the movie Punchline? And he was talking about going in to buy a carpet and there was the immigrant guy in there. And I don't know what the fuck he was, but he was talking about how when he said area rug, he said he did. He just opened his mouth and he didn't form any syllable. I'm butchering the joke. And he goes, uh, yeah, hey, you know, I want a, I want, I need to buy a carpet. Not a big thing, just sort of a small, you know, little sectional thing, a little carpet kind of thing.

And the guy goes, you don't want to cop it. You want an area rug, whatever. You got to see him do it. His fucking tongue is literally doing the wave. He played was in, um, it was the pizza guy, fast times at Ridgemont High. Um, he was in, uh, was it fast money, something like that? The fuck was it? The runny danger field one, whatever, just an absolutely brilliant guy, a true fucking artist.

Unfortunately passed away at cancer at 57. So a shout out to him. Taylor Negron, uh, go on YouTube, watch his videos, watch his movies, tell people about him. Um, just an amazing, amazing artist. And Eddie Brill, by the way, on Facebook was really good friends with him and, uh, wrote a way more better tribute than I just tried to give him. Um, so anyways, let's go back here. Let's go back here to the fucking dude. This podcast sounds like, you remember that SNL sketch that Alec Baldwin did where they made fun of, uh, what is it, NPR?

They talked about sweaty balls. That's been my tone this entire fucking podcast. I'll make it up next week when I can actually scream and yell here. Why the fuck do I got the sunny smiley face again? Why does it keep doing that? Um, by the way, guys, I really got to work on my fucking temper. I really do. I get into a fucking argument with my wife, right?

And she fucking wrote me, I've never seen this before. It was like a text message that was as long as the Gettysburg address about all the things that I was doing wrong. Okay, reams of information about what I was doing wrong. And I got to be honest with you, I couldn't argue with any of it. If anybody knows a way that I can stop flipping out over little things and know this isn't going to hurt my fucking act because I'll still have the thought and I'll be able to go off in a comedic way on stage. If anybody knows a good way to do it, I sat down and I thought about all the fucking dumb things that made me flip out yesterday. When I sat down and I was watching, uh, I was watching 60 minutes and they were showing wounded veterans of the Iraqi war. This one guy like lost both his legs below the knee, lost the thumb chunk of his fucking left arm and his left eye.

And he's being positive and he's fucking, you know, going up this hill like Jerry Rice would run up and I'm sitting here flipping out because fucking people leave too much space and traffic. I swear to God, man, like, I don't, I don't know, I don't know how to beat it. I got, I have the shortest, remember those fucking, what color were the firecrackers? Was it the black ones that had the really short wick that you literally had to be throwing them as you were lighting them? Like that is my temper. Like I have such a bad fucking temper at this point, like now when I drive in the car, I let my wife drive. Like some guy who's got his fucking balls in her purse. I just do it to keep the peace because if I'm riding in the car, I don't flip out as much as when I'm driving.

And I just, I don't know, do you realize how ridiculous it is that I'm an angry man in a Prius? How dumb is that? And the sound of my horn as I'm screaming and yelling at people how fucking ridiculous I look. And the fact that I know I look that ridiculous and I still can't stop doing it. Like it is a real, it's a real fucking problem. I don't know this. I can't tell if I learned it from the people around me or if you're just born an angry fucking maniac. But it's a battle I've been fighting for the last 15 years of my adult life.

And I have, I don't think I've moved an inch forward. Other than just being able to admit I have a fucking major goddamn problem with my temper. Like, do you realize how fucking mad I got yesterday with that Des Bryant catch? I mean, I talked about it for the first 20 minutes of the podcast. Who gives a fuck, Bill? It's not your team. You don't have any money on the game. Why do I give a fuck?

Why does it then anger me when the guy comes on the TV to explain it and immediately look and go, and this guy sucked in gym class. You fucking suck. Fuck. I'm yelling at the TV. Fuck you. You can't even catch a football. You fucking pussy.

Maniac. I'm in a fucking hotel room and I know the people on the other side of the wall can hear me. How long am I going to continue to fucking embarrass myself? Like, you know what? My wife can't even watch fucking TV with me because I won't shut the fuck up and something bugs me every three seconds and I start yelling at the TV like it's a person in the room. I swear to God. I swear to God.

I should have bought a house with a room over the garage and I should be like sent there, you know, like an inmate and every once in a while you let me out and you walk me around the front yard until I start getting heated about some dumb bullshit, you know, that somebody came by with a doggie poop bag and put it in my recycled trash can. Doesn't fucking go in the blue one. Goes in the black one. Just a moron. It's embarrassing.

Anyways, Bill, can I bounce back from bad first time at sex? Absolutely. You're not supposed to be good the first time. You're supposed to be so freaked out that you're doing it that the game's over before it even starts, right? Hello, Mr. Burr. Huge fan from Poland. Not a virgin, by the way. Here's the story.

Been hanging out with this girl for about a year as friends. Well, right now, dude, the fact that if you actually bang this person, you have to be in friends for a fucking year. You know? I mean, how did you even maintain an erection with all those memories of walking around a farmer's market? Anyways, finally, I ended up falling for her, but she put me in the friend zone. Well, I wasn't having that, so I sort of pumped the brakes on the whole thing and stopped hanging out with it. Textbook. Textbook.

Nice move. Just some messages from time to time. A few weeks ago, she calls me up randomly to chill at my place after not seeing each other for a couple of months. I was kind of buzzed, so I thought, what the hell? Why not? So she comes over, we have some alcohol, maybe some illegal substances, and everything was cool. Suddenly, she just goes, fuck me. Jesus Christ, I gotta get over to Poland.

So I lifted up her skirt, ripped off her panties. Jesus, buddy, this guy's going blow by blow and started plowing her. Unfortunately, I got the whiskey dick soon after. Fuck my life, it was pathetic. I ended up, oh Jesus, okay, he performed oral sex. I gotta tone this down here. Performed oral sex on her. She got where she needed to be, but this was not the railing she was probably hoping for.

I wanted to kill myself and still do. We still talk, but I'm not sure if we'll ever get a chance to get into her pants again. Please comfort me, Mr. Burr, and tell me that it's going to be okay. Also, excuse my English, it's not my first language. Well, you spoke meathead English perfectly. Listen, who's kidding? The way you talk about this woman getting her panties, plower, railer, and all that, you don't love this woman. You just want someone you can fuck, so whatever.

It didn't work out. Move on to somebody else. I think you're going to be fine. You did make up for your mistake with the very courteous move afterwards. I don't think she'd be that upset. Listen, she's probably sitting at home going, did I say fuck me to that guy? Did I really just say that? Oh God, and then his dick went down.

Was he not turned on by me? She's probably doing all of that shit. I don't know, the more I talk about this, I think you guys both deserve each other. Maybe you get back in there. Whiskey dick. You get whiskey dick, you got to get yourself in the same mindset of a relief picture that just gave up with the fucking, the deep ball. But you're still up a run. You just got to forget about that.

Just like Roger Clements did. He would just immediately just start asking for another ball. Does that make any fucking sense? Actually, when I was thinking about that and I use Roger Clements as an example, all of a sudden I had a different vibe to it. Anyways, sorry about that. Jesus Christ, this fucking podcast was an absolute shit show. Well, this ends the whispering podcast from a hotel room somewhere in New Orleans for the week of, what the fuck week is it here? Oh, Monday, January 12th.

I want to make sure I got that right because last week like an asshole, I said June 5th. I'm moron. Alright, anyways, that's the podcast for this week. I promise you I will make up for all the yelling I didn't do this week on next week's podcast. Thank you for listening. Anything I got to plug? Nothing. I got nothing to plug other than I'm going to be going to Australia, New Zealand,

Singapore, Hong Kong, and Mumbai. That's definitely going down. And also the southern bus tour in May is definitely happening. I'm talking to my agent today. He's going to give me all the dates. I've already heard some of the areas that I'm going to be going to. Shreveport, Louisiana, I think is in there. Savannah, Georgia.

I think I'm going to be going back to Charleston, South Carolina. It's going to be, it's going to be insane. And as far as I know, I think we're starting Kentucky and we ended New Orleans. And we're going to all these off the beaten path kind of things, you know, not the major cities that I've already played Nashville, Atlanta. I've already done those ones. So it's going to be fucking awesome. And also the weakest shows at the Wilbur Theatre in Boston.

I'm doing an entire week Monday through Sunday of shows at the Wilbur Theatre. They've been selling great. And I think we're going to start adding some shows. And I think that that's something that I'm going to do every other year. I think I'll just do a week of shows in my hometown. Eat all that fucking Chinese food and all the shit that I missed. Kelly's roast beef fucking slices of pizza and all that type of all that fucking food that I used to eat when I was 22.

I shouldn't be eating now. But whatever. All right, predictions next week. Patriots eke out of victory against the Colts. And then I think Seattle will have a tough game against the Packers. I think they're both going to be great games. Seattle wins. And then for some dumb reason, when we go to the Super Bowl, the Patriots might actually be even or favored.

And that's only because of morons in Vegas who just can't lay off of Brady and Belichick. So that's really Vegas just trying to get money on both sides of the ball. It really has nothing to do with the fact. And then I think that we will be, I wouldn't say manhandled by Seattle, but we will be handled. Because I just think it kills me to say that as a Patriots fan. But I'm being totally, I'm being fucking brutally honest about football this week. The tough rule is fucking stupid. And I think Seattle is going to win the goddamn Super Bowl.

I hope that we win it. If anybody could figure out how to beat those guys, it will be Belichick's game plan. It's just, I don't know, I just don't know with their defense and the fact that we can't get any fucking pressure on a quarterback. I don't know how the fuck you're going to beat Seattle doing that. And the fact that Wilson can run like a motherfucker too. That's going to be a nightmare. So anyways, that's my goddamn prediction. On the other hand, I hope that we actually beat them.

That would be phenomenal. And I don't even hate the Seahawks. I don't. I just, I just hate how the NFL panders to anybody who dresses up like a fucking mime or the Tin Man with spikes coming out of your shoulders. They never show the real fans. I just, you know, the fucking people who were at the King Dome, who were at Sullivan Stadium, they never show them. They always got to show some fucking jerk off, you know, dressed like Sam Adams. Fucking drives me up the wall.

All right, go fuck yourselves. That's the podcast for this week. I'll talk to you next week. Thank you for listening.