Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-13-14

Episode Date: January 14, 2014

Bill rambles about the Golden Globes, NFL Football and Groupie Island Chest Hair Pussy.

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Monday the 13th. You know, I heard that one's bad luck too. Oh, with your fucking trinkets. Huh, what are you gonna grow up and just fucking man up, lady, and realize that you fucked up your own life? You know, you know those people, they gotta spin around three times and throw some cookie crumbs over their fucking padded shoulder. You know, so something bad doesn't happen.

I'd like to take all superstitious people, put them in a room, and after I'm done slapping them with the fucking garden hose, I'd just like to tell them that, listen, bad shit happens in life. Okay? No matter what you got hanging around your neck, no matter how many times you fucking point your fucking toe, your left foot, due south, whatever the fuck you're supposed to do, it's still gonna happen.

Still gonna happen. It balances out the good shit. Alright, so why don't you stop being such a fucking pussy? Oh man, I talked about that a long time ago. I don't care if you do or you don't. I'm gonna bring it back up. Did you guys ever see that? Was it Jesus Camp?

No, no, no, no, no. It was one of those big brother shows, one of those shows. One of those fucking reality shows, you know, where they got a couple of meat heads in there, one of them's gay, the other has no, was raised by wolves, and then there's a couple of hotties. There's never a fat chick, you know? All these people getting in trouble for fat shaming.

How about these reality shows? When was the last time you saw a fat chick just walking around in a thong in the big brother house? You're never gonna see it. You're never gonna fucking see it. Alright? The only time they put them on fat people on a reality show, is if the show is about, I don't want to be fat anymore.

You know? I can't think of one. But anyways, there was this show, and there was some chick on it, the reality show, and every time she had some big challenge coming up, she had to climb into a fucking tree house, you know, without tipping over the cupcakes, whatever the fuck they're supposed to do,

and some angry at his dad, hosts. Now the blue team is slowing down. What the fuck? You know that guy from the island show? What is it called? Dangerous? A survivor. I fucking hate that show. My wife watches that goddamn show,

and we both sit there laughing. He's such a cunt. I don't know what happened. He never used to be that way. I think he's sick of doing it. One of those, like, be careful what you wish for. Like, I mean, at first it was his dream job. He comes home to his wife,

honey, I got this idea for a show. I'm so fucking sick of being out here in Hollywood, stuck in this goddamn traffic, you know, trying to get the other side of the 405 to audition to be fifth banana and like a fucking chapstick commercial. I don't want to do it anymore. Okay?

I'm thinking of moving to Colorado Springs and opening up a fucking burrito joint. What do you think? And she's sitting there going, oh, why don't you just... Okay, I understand you're stressed. Um... Go ahead and just say it.

She's all over my drink. You never support me anyways. That's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm saying. Just, you know, you're very emotional at this point. This is extreme. Why don't you create your own show? You know?

Why don't you just... I don't know, you like islands. Don't you? I guess you kind of do like islands. Right? And then they just sit there at the little fucking starving artist kitchen table and they come up with this fucking show

that puts him on a goddamn island. He gets paid, he's on TV, he's going to get, you know, groupie island chest hair pussy, right? Chest hair means chicks who like to hand up chests with hair on it. And he gets his job. But then they're like,

wait, no, no, before that they're like, I don't know how to write a script. And they're like, why don't we just make it like a game show? Well, that's fucking stupid! Right? He's all pissed again and he wants to go back to the burrito.

But she kept him in the pocket. Like every great woman, by every great man, kept him in the pocket and somehow at some point, probably halfway through their second joint, they fucking realized, wait a minute, what about the real world?

We'll do a reality show. Right? We'll take ten fucking morons and we'll stick them on this goddamn island. All right? And they'll play hopscotch and fucking connect for or whatever the fuck we got to do.

And the last fucking, so whatever. So he gets the goddamn job. I don't even know where the fuck I am in this anymore. So he gets the fucking job and now he's out there. And this is that tipping point where after a while, you're a human being

and you just get fucking bored of the same fucking routine the exact way that I ended up in this business for one of the main reasons. Maybe why I travel so much is because one of the most depressing feelings I ever had when I was back when I was in the matrix

and I actually had a real fucking job. You know, I got up in the morning and made myself a little tuna fish sandwich a little plastic thing and some Fritos. Toss an apple in there. Walking out to the car, right? The grease from the Fritos

already making that pit stain on my little brown bag. As I walk up to my rusted out car hoping it's going to start hoping I don't have a problem with the fucking alternator. Right? There was nothing more fucking depressing.

Then that moment when I was had been there for a year and I was actually sitting there going one year ago, I was right fucking here. I hated that shit. And I think that that fucking island dude he's not an island dude.

He's a mainland dude on the fucking island. I think it's fucking with him at this point. Okay? He doesn't give a shit anymore. He just wants to get through those stupid fucking obstacle courses because he wants to get, he's going fucking nuts out there.

He's already, he's guys been out on that fucking island since like 1999. Alright? At this point, he's kind of like those Japanese soldiers that didn't know World War II ended and they didn't find him until 1974. That's what the fuck is going on with this guy.

So I don't know if you've noticed but Nia watches that show religiously and with every season that fucking guy gets angrier and angrier. Now the red team, they need to pick it up. He just sits there, fuck.

I just realized she's still sleeping upstairs. What the fuck? It's five at ten in the morning. You know, at that point, I'm allowed to fucking drill a jackhammer. I can't do a fucking podcast. This is how I win arguments. I rehearse what I'm going to say

before I get into them. You know? And then during the argument, I act like I'm fishing, like I don't know, I already have the information. And that's how I win. Anyway,

this is the Monday morning podcast everybody and I don't even know what the fuck I was talking about. I was talking about superstitious people. You guys like when I do Stevie Wonder? Could that have been any whiter? You know what? I think I'm going to do that down in Koreatown tonight.

I'll probably get a standing ovation. Golden Globes everybody. Look, I went from reality TV. What was I talking about? I was talking about fat chicks and thongs. Was that my point? There's never any point to this fucking thing. The point is,

is for me to talk for an hour and just somehow eat up an hour a year Monday. That's what it is, whether it's in the morning or it's in the afternoon. One of my favorite things about this podcast is that it is called the Monday morning podcast in the amount of fucking people who so selfishly feel that it's their Monday.

You know? Like they're doing any sort of heavy lifting on this podcast other than downloading it for fucking free. All right? Why don't you and your index finger go fuck yourselves? This is my Monday morning.

It's 9.56 AM where I am and I am recording this fucking podcast. All right? How many times have you sent something, FedEx, second day, to get there before nine and it doesn't get there till three in the afternoon? Are you one of those cunts that tries to hold FedEx?

You know? Try to get, you know, three dollars and a quarter taking off your little fucking envelope. Not even thinking that you sent something from San Diego to Bangor, Maine and isn't that fucking amazing? Because me as a person

who actually gives a shit about getting there can't get there that quick, can I? I don't think I can. I don't fucking know. It's amazing. Because the letter doesn't care.

It doesn't have a dog in the fight. It's a fucking letter. It's just sitting there waiting to biodegrade. So I cut him some slack. Jesus Christ. I tell, I got a bunch of shit to do today. None of this is going to make sense. Let's talk about the Golden Globes.

So, oh, yesterday. Yesterday I went, I saw the, I saw the Wolf, the Wolf of Wall Street. I saw what Joey Roses and my lovely wife, Nia, I went down and I saw,

I saw the movie. We were in the movie theater. We watched it together. It was a great moment because me and fucking Rosa love Scorsese, all of his movies. We quote him all the fucking time.

Verzi does it too. Yet I've never gone to a brand new, Scorsese, Scorsese, however the fuck you say it, they were saying it different last night at the Golden Globes. And he didn't have an angry look on his face. So I think I've been saying it wrong.

Of course, Scorsese. We went down and saw his, saw his movie. He had a great fucking time. And then I went home and I said, all right, I'm going to fucking, Oh, what was my point? Oh, my point was,

oh yeah, me and Joe, we're going to start doing the uninformed show again. All right, we're in the same city. We're going to start it out doing it once a month. And for those of you who never heard of it, it's basically the uninformed show,

no reading, no research, just strong opinions. And basically me and Joe, we go off for an hour on a particular topic, just coming from the hot, making all kinds of ignorant statements. And then when our hour of ignorance is over,

we bring in an expert on whatever topic we were discussing. And then he basically tells us how fucking stupid and wrong we are. And that's the show. All right. If you can't do the math on that, I can't help you.

So we were getting excited talking about that. And so then later on last night, later I decided I was going to, I'm going to be a good fucking person here. And I'm going to watch the Golden Globes, right? I watched the first playoff game, and then I recorded the second one, playoffs. And so I watched the,

I watched the charges versus the Broncos. I watched that game in about 50 minutes. It was fucking phenomenal. It was fucking phenomenal. And I already forget the name of the charges receiver, who just fucking is going to be a goddamn superstar. Whatever the fuck his name was,

he really, really impressed me on the big stage, on the big stage there. So, oh fuck it. Let's talk NFL football. I'm already into it. What do you say? What do you say to your football fans? What do you say?

All the favorites won, as far as I can tell. You know, like Verzi said, the dumbest thing ever. He goes Patriots, Broncos, in the AFC championship. Dude, I called it. Oh, Verzi, going out on a limb again. I'll take Brady and Manning.

I think they're going to do something. But I actually, I didn't believe in the Patriots. I still can't, I can't believe how fucking well they're playing. All the injuries that they've had, obviously going into Denver is going to be a tough, tough game. I traveled so much.

I think we beat them this year. Yeah, we did. That's right. They were up big, and then we came back and beat. All right, so now we're going to go in their house and they're going to beat us. That's how it works.

That's how it works. And the one I can't understand is, this is going to be a tough one. Seattle and San Francisco, because you've got the division rivals. You never know which way it's going to fucking go. It's like the Patriots. No matter how good they are,

every year they're going to lose to the Bills, the Jets, and the Dolphins. Two out of three of them, they're going to lose to them like once. At least, unless they get some juggernaut of a fucking team. But I'm just saying, they see you twice,

they know what you do, and every other fucking cliche out there. But I still, I'm sticking with Seattle. I'm blocking out that fucking douche chill 12th man musical that's going on. Oh, we registered an earthquake. Every fucking game. They go in the way of the Raider fans, too.

More and more people, they're starting to become characters. They're starting to paint their faces. It's just somebody. The real, you know, they have the real housewives of fucking Atlanta. I need the real Seattle Seahawks fans of Seattle. You got to tell those people to leave the capes at home.

You know, every team has got that one jackass that paints his fucking face, shaves his head, sticks the emblem on the side of his head. Everybody's got that one fucking jerk off. And it's fine. It's fine to have one, but there is a tipping point in the stands

where there's too many of them. And they start bringing their signs. We were making fun of that shit. Like, if you have end zone seats and you make a bullseye sign, just how fucking unoriginal you are, that's right up there with the defense sign and the John 316.

I don't even read the Bible. Okay? I don't know how to make songs like that. I don't know what words to use. Um... . Sorry. Yeah, how about an original fucking sign?

You run in the mill everyday fucking cunts. Sitting around talking about how this comic's not original, this is derivative, this guy ripped off this. And look at you, look at you guys. You got all fucking weak. Probably more than a week. You probably got the tickets for your birthday or some shit. You have all that time to come up with a fucking sign

and you make the defense sign. Why don't you just put on a stupid hat and then act like you're the crazy guy, despite the fact that you're a faithful married father or three who pays his taxes on time. Well, I'll tell you, something happens when he puts that hat on. We don't know what he's gonna do. He's paying for his pretzels just like you are.

Ah, there's nothing I hate more than the character fucking, the fan that's become a fucking character. Ah, right there, I swear to God. You know what they should do to everybody who does that? They should pull him out of the stands and make him throw a ball in public. Okay? And when you watch the lack of whipping motion,

you know how a chick throws a ball that didn't have brothers? You know what I mean? The way they throw, the arm motion of a girl throwing who didn't have a dad that stuck around and taught her how to throw a ball, it literally looks like cheap animation, like it skipped a couple of frames.

It's just the worst thing. I would put my money down. Put your money down. I'd put my money down that if you took one of those fucking face painted douchebags out of the fucking crowd, that's how they would throw a ball. I could be wrong.

I could be wrong. I like the way it used to be. When you go to a fucking game, back in the day, you went to the game, maybe you had some old shitty hat from your team. You know? And that was it. And the rest, you had your stupid jet.

You just, the rest of you, you know, other than your fucking hat, when you walked out of that stadium and your alcohol level, you could go to work. You just fucking looked regular. And you went there. You drank beers. You got drunk.

And you scared kids. That's what you did in the old days. Okay? You pissed in a giant horse trough and there wasn't any sushi. And there wasn't any fucking dumb ass music. I went to a game recently, I went to the Bruins LA Kings game.

And the Bruins played like they really enjoyed their time out here in LA. Do you know how many times I've gotten burned on that? Any Boston fans who are coming out here? And you know, you get homesick and everything. So anytime the Celtics, the Bruins, or the Red Sox go down to fucking Anaheim to play the Angels or whatever,

unless they do some interleague shit with the Dodgers, you're gonna go, I gotta warn you, actually specifically with the Bruins and the Celtics, I gotta warn you, okay? Don't buy expensive tickets because I'm telling you, especially with hockey. And these poor bastards have to go play,

they gotta go do a road trip in the middle of February through Winnipeg, Calgary, Edmonton, and Vancouver. If that's to fucking kill me, I would be a raging alcoholic if I had to do that. So by the time they come down to these sunny fucking cities, they got cabin fever. I'm telling you.

Or it's just, you know, LA's got some of the best looking women out here. They're famous. I'm telling you, they don't play. They leave the Kings. It took them this long to get good. I would think that they would fucking destroy all East Coast teams and Canadian teams,

other than maybe Vancouver, just because they don't fucking like each other. I don't know. The amount of times I spent like 80, 100 bucks through StubHub to watch the Celtics play the Clippers, back when the Clippers sucked. And I would watch the big three come in there and just get smoked.

It's fucking brutal. So I'm just saying. All right. Just be careful with your money out here. Just get the upper deck. Shit. Don't wear any stuff. Just go there,

dress like you're fucking going to work or something, and then just cheer your team. And it's great. If your team wins, they win. If they lose, you walk out of the stadium, you know, and you don't have to listen to anybody take it to that next level that makes you want to throw a fucking punch,

and then you're going to get stomped by the neck tattoo guy. It's just a different thing out here. It's not fun. It's not a fun place to see a game out here. They take it to a, uh, just a different level. You know, when you sit around giving each other shit, look at your shirt,

blah, blah, blah, your shirt's too tight and all that crap, and there's somebody that, yeah, at least my mother isn't dead. It's always like that person. That's what West Coast fans are. Anyways, the fuck was I talking about? Um, oh, NFL football. So I still think it's, uh, it is Seattle's.

I just think that, that, that, I don't know. I just like the way they play. They got Marshawn Lynch, who's a fucking, when was the last time he didn't get hit three times before he went down? You cannot get that fucking guy down. All right.

That defense is insane. Can you tell I've been on the road for so long? I can't even fucking name anybody's name. They have beautiful uniforms. No, I just think out of the way they're playing. And I, I don't think that, uh, I think they match up well with the Broncos. I don't know about the 49ers.

This is their Super Bowl. They get by the 49ers. I'm, I'm, I'm saying they're winning it. They beat the 49ers. They're going to win it because, uh, I just did defenses better than the Broncos. And I think with Marshawn Lynch, they can fucking chew up the clock.

And if Peyton doesn't have the ball in his hand, what the fuck is he going to do? And I think Peyton gets frustrated when he goes up against really, uh, physical aggressive receivers. At least he did back in the day when that's what we had on our team. Um, and who knows if the Patriots go there, Jesus,

be fucking thrilled that we made it. I really will be. And everybody's giving me shit. Dude, oh, can you come down on your own fucking team? I don't know. Cause we lost our whole fucking receiving core. We lost all these guys on defense.

I'm, I'm stunned that they've been able to do it. Once again, I'm saying it. I'm telling you right now, Tom Brady's have one of the best fucking seasons he's ever had working with what he's working with. All right. With that, I have no idea it was going to win next week. I hope we fucking win.

But, uh, you know, I feel like, you know, we beat them last time. And, uh, I don't know. I was really impressed with Denver's defense too. So who the fuck knows whatever. All I know is they're going to be great fucking games. And I'm watching every second of it. All right.

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Anyways, okay, so I watched the Golden Globes. I watched most of them last night as you do. You know, I was watching all the football this weekend, so I figured, you know, I got to come her way. I'll sit down. I'll go come and watch it with me. I want you to watch it with me. So I sat down and I watched the Golden Globes. And it wasn't bad for an award show.

It wasn't bad. The hosts were great. They were funny. And the only thing that bugged me was the amount of people who went up there and when they won a Golden Globe, like, oh, I got it. I got it. I have it. I have it. I was not ready for this.

What do you mean you're not ready for it? You were fucking nominated. Jesus Christ, head your fucking bets. The amount of people that went up there and said, oh my God, I can't believe this. I'm not prepared. I didn't think I was going to fucking win. You know, like some fucking backup goalie just sitting there and all of a sudden, you know, I'm not getting in this game. We're up five.

Nothing is a joke. You know, you start texting on the bench and all of a sudden the start and goalie pulls his groin. Now you got to go out there. What the fuck? Unbelievable. Do you see how much you want to see how it's done? You should have seen Michael Douglas the way he accepted his Golden Globe. First of all, for some fucking reason, anybody who won a Golden Globe last night was seated like 75 yards away and you had to fucking walk all the way down and then backstage and then come walking out from backstage like everybody didn't just see you get up from your table.

So what does he do? He assesses the situation like Jesus Christ has taken too fucking long. The second he gets called, he doesn't go, oh my God, oh my God, do you believe it? And you know, clasp his hands together and then slam them down into his lap. You know, the hacky, I've just won an award in show business move. He didn't. He got up and he starts jogging. Right?

Like a wily veteran, a grizzled veteran who knows how to utilize the clock. He's running up to the offensive line. He fucking gets on the stage. He goes into a great story about how he got the part. He thanked everybody before the fucking oboe player even started. It was phenomenal. It's like watching Joe Montana. Joe Montana run the two minute offense.

It was great. He did everything but say John Candy's in the crowd. Right? That's probably a bad joke because he could have been in the crowd. He would have been in the crowd if he didn't die. Ah, shit. You know what? It was a great analogy right up until then.

Other than that, I swear to God, like 40% of the people went up there and said, oh my God, I can't fucking believe it. What do you mean you can't fucking believe it? What do you mean you're not prepared? Didn't the fact that you got nominated months ago or weeks ago? It's like a fucking 50 second. They give you like a minute. You know who you're supposed to thank. Right?

Is that just like what you're supposed to do? Are you supposed to have false humility? Is that all you said? If I ever win a Golden Globe, I'm not going to be fucking modest at all. I'll just be up there talking shit. Just before I even get up to the podium. That's right. That's right.

That's right. I'm not going to come up here and pretend to be modest. Dude, I fucking crushed it this year. Do you see what I was working with? You see that horseshit that they put on the paper that bring the life? Pay attention to me, Alice. That was supposed to be me yelling at Anne B. Davis. Jesus Christ.

I don't know what the fuck. I had to keep walking out. There was some zombie that went up there. First of all, she sat for fucking a minute looking around just milking the whole fucking moment, you know. And she was the classic old actress, right? She had the body of a 23-year-old in the face of a mummy. You know, go fuck yourself if you think that's too mean. All right?

Dress and act your goddamn age with the fucking shoe polish in your hair. Coming down there looking like a sexy scarecrow. Anyways, so she fucking comes down there like something out of a horror movie. I literally, I had to walk out of the room. I have this thing. Not only do I hate bombing, I can't stand watching people bomb. It makes me uncomfortable. I had to walk out.

Nia sat there with her hand up to her mouth. And I don't know what this woman was doing. At one point I heard she asked another actor to stand up in the crowd for inspiration. I'm sure everybody's ripping her apart on the fucking internet, but Jesus Christ. Just go up and say thank you. I'm psyched. This is great. I'm going to make way more money now because I have one of these.

Women who are completely out of my league might actually do a little double take when I walk down the street. Thank you so much. I'm going to hold this thing under my chin like I'm telling a ghost story. So the gold is reflected off my face. Thank you to everybody right in the shit that I said. Thank you for editing. Thank you for making me look good. Go fuck yourself.

What's up to the band? And you're out. How fucking difficult is that? I'm not saying you won't be nervous. I don't fucking know. I can't believe it. I can't believe. You know, like I had a fucking Chinese restaurant and a bunch of balloons came down from the ceiling.

Okay, I just had no idea. Really? You just walk around dressed like that? You didn't notice the other celebrities in the room? Why do you have to pretend you're not fucking psyched? Anyways, that's why I loved when Cuba Gooding won the Oscar. And he started running around like some fucking soccer mom that just won a new Winnebago or whatever the fuck they drive. It was minivans or the publisher's clearinghouse just showed up at his house.

That's what the fuck you should do. Right? Anyways, you watch how I handle it at the podcasting awards. I think they have those. Have those when it's time to change. They actually have podcasting awards. They should have you accept them like fucking over Skype. You know, they she shouldn't be in in the flesh.

Should you? Should we just be voices? All right, let's plow ahead here. Golden Globes. What did I want to talk about here? Oh, yeah, I started doing yoga this year. I'm doing a nice long pause here as I wait for every guy who's listening to this to say a couple of homophobic things. And I bought these great stretchy pants that I wear and a half shirt.

You know, because you really want to be like, don't judge me, but you really just want to like, you don't want to feel like. You don't have like loose clothing on, you know, you want to feel like you're being held. Sorry. Just trying to put a disgusting image in your head of me with yoga pants and a half shirt on. Yeah, think about that. You know, my pasty white belly muffin top hanging over. All right. So of course, I can't just do a little bit of yoga and get my, you know, stretch out my fucking spine after all these hours I've spent on airplanes.

My fucking, you know, all in nothing stupid attitude in life is I go from I'm going to start doing yoga again this year because I haven't done it like three fucking years. I immediately just go from I'm going to start doing yoga to I'm going to do 150 hours of yoga this year, which translates to three hours a year, which translates me also going what about years weeks when I'm on the road and I want to have a chance to I need to build up extra time so I can stay ahead of it. You know, like one of those sci fi movies where you need that energy life force on your fucking bracelet. Right. I'm trying to get extra extra guys like you playing like a video game. So of course I go too far and I fucking I think I slightly hyperextended my goddamn knee. What an asshole. I do this all the time.

I'm going to start playing drums. I played drums too much and I've hurt my fucking shoulder on my hand. I don't know. I don't want my fucking problems. I think that's why I succeeded as a comedian because there's no way to like physically hurt yourself as a stand up comic. You just stand in there talking right. I guess you can act something out so much that you accidentally throw yourself off the stage, but you could still come up and do it the next show right. I don't know.

Anyways, so yeah, I'm too old to lift. I'll lift a little bit, but what happens is you're still eating like shit. Then you just get that I'm still lifting middle age body. We have a shirt on. You can kind of see that there's shoulders and there's pecs there, but like your belly still sticking out. Right. You know those guys and then they always have some sort of wallet chain. I don't want to be that guy.

I really don't want to be that guy. So anyways, we'll see. We'll see what happens. Why do I always fucking do that? You know, from fucking day one, I'm going to do yoga and within three days I'm trying to do like a fucking full split. Then I get hurt. Hurt. And then I'm just, you know what happened?

I smoked a cigar last night. I got to stop with this fucking shit. You know what's at my age? What's really scary is I lose a drinking buddy every week at my age at 45. They just drop in like flies. The wife says I have to cut down. I got a fatty liver. I got a kid.

I can't fucking do it anymore. All right. All right. I'm gay and that's why I was drinking all these years. All of those fucking things. You know, there's like nobody left. Two of my buddies. I lost two guys this week telling me I got to stop.

There's something wrong with my stomach and I got a fatty liver. And all I'm thinking is how come I'm not feeling anything? Well, probably because I never got my liver checked out. You don't feel anything, right? You just walked down the street one day with your fucking wallflower nose. My little chickadee, right? And then all of a sudden you just do a face plant and it's over. Is that how you die of cirrhosis?

Cyrhosis? Cirrhosis? Scorsese? I don't fucking know. Yeah. I got a layer. I'm done with fucking cigars. I'm done with those things, man.

Those things are, it's like sucking on a bus tailpipe. It's just, yeah, I didn't inhale. Oh, great. So I just get fucking mouth and throat cancer. What a man, asshole. I got to stop this shit. It's the hardest thing about being an adult is you have to be your own fucking parent. You know, when you were a kid, you know, your parents were there to stop you

from eating a whole sleeve of cookies. The second you move out, you can do whatever the fuck you want. You can literally be doing heroin as you're eating fucking cookies. And there's nobody there to say, stop. It's fucking annoying. I got to lay off, man. I can't do it though. I just can't seem to get, you know what it is?

It's all these social things. Football games coming up. Go no hockey game. It starts tomorrow. It starts tomorrow. And then last night, you know, Joey Rosa's got me a great fucking bottle of this fucking, I don't know, Japanese Scotch. And I'm like, well, I got to try it.

And of course it was absolutely delicious. Now I got to have a fucking cigar with it. I'm sitting out on my porch with my Red Sox robe on. My bathrobe is also my smoking jacket because I'm an environmentalist. And I'm sitting out there smoking. There's nothing dumber than smoking a really good cigar when you're cold. It's another thing too. This is a bad time of year to smoke a cigar because you can't smoke anywhere inside.

They smell like shit unless you're in a cigar bar. And then you're in there with like 50 other guys in this, you know, it just feels like you're in a walk-in closet with a car on after a while. Your eyes are burning. I can't even do it. You know what it reminds me of? It was back in the day when people could smoke in comedy clubs and it was unreal. By the time you got to, you've got to do three shows or even two shows back then

because everybody seemed smoked back then. There would, there'd be like a cloud of smoke, you know, but at the beginning of the second show, because it was still left over from the first show. And I just remember like my eyes would be burning when I got off stage in the second show. I'd have to go to the bathroom and like flush them out with water. And then I'd go home and I actually learned to take a shower the night before you went to bed because I always remember the next morning I would wake up and I take a shower and the water came over my head.

I would just smell the smoke like someone was smoking next to me. So I imagine even that how bad smoking is. I can even imagine that being around a bunch of people who were smoking and then laying in bed with their smoke in your clothes and in your hair is somehow affecting your health. It's just bad. I'm giving away my cigars. I'm fucking, I can't say I'm done, done with them, but I'm pretty much done with them.

What I'm going to do is when I go to other countries, I'll smoke a Cuban cigar. That's what I'll do. And then I'm not bringing a bunch back because then you go, oh, well, fuck, I got to smoke these. These are Cubans. I don't want them to go bad, right? And then you don't have a humidor because you don't want to get sucked into the habit. And then what happens is your fucking cigars are going bad. It's a nightmare.

I'm going to get a bunch of texts. First world problem. No, it isn't. Cuban cigars are made in a third world country. So go fuck yourself. Isn't that, is that considered a third world country? What is exactly a third world country, a country that we're oppressing? Does that want to make some third world?

It isn't just South America. Is it? Oh, Christ. Now I got to look it up. And there's a bunch of people laughing at me right now. But if I actually asked you to give me a fucking intelligent definition, you couldn't third world countries. Wait, third world definition.

Let's go with that first. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Third world. Okay, according to Wikipedia, the term third world arose during the Cold War to define countries that remained non aligned with either NATO, with the United States or Western European nations and their allies representing the first world or the communist bloc. And that would be with the Soviet Union, the People's Republic of China.

Oh, Cuba. So Cuba is not third world because they aligned themselves with the Soviet Union and their allies representing the Second World War. So I'm guessing that we came up with it because we're the first world. We're number one. All the commies are ranked number two. And then a distant third. You know.

Oh, so based Mexico, according to this chart, all of Central America, all the way down to South America, except there's one in South America. That isn't what the fuck is that? I don't know what that is. It's just north of Brazil. What is that Burns and Allen? What's the name of that fucking country down there? Cakes and biscuits.

I don't fucking know. You know what? I think it's time mercifully for the questions this week. What do you say, everybody? What do you say? You ready for the questions for this week? God knows I am. Oh, really quickly.

I didn't even get a chance to talk about it. Watch that 60 minutes thing last night of that fucking jerk off. Who's ratting out Alex Rodriguez, the Henry Hill. Of that thing. All right, I'm pulling a Paul Versey, the dude. I call it. I called it. We're all going to be on roids.

By the end of our lives. Okay. And I'm going to tell you why, because the same reason why you saw that sexy scare scarecrow, scarecrow walking to the fucking stage. The same reason why they got all these diet pills and all this fucking grow your hair back shit, because no one wants to be old and decrepit. All right, they're already given the shit out that synogenics is fucking HGH as far as I can tell, which is basically I researched.

I said synogenics scandal. That's what I searched. So of course, negative shit came up about them. We're all going to be on it. It's the same way marijuana is gradually becoming legal. That's what's going to happen with steroids. Garen fucking T. You know, it's the coolest part of the story was they said a rod texted this guy, Tony,

whatever the fuck his name was. And Tony, he said, Hey, I got a big day tomorrow. What do you got? So he gave him the stuff for the next day. Everyone had like two doubles in a single or something like that. And the 60 minute guy goes, Oh, what did you think after you sent him your products and saw the results? And he was going like, he basically said that, yeah, we got the formula down.

You have the formula down. And he goes, yeah, it was like, it was like shooting fish in a barrel. So these guys are so advanced in this illegal shit that I'm telling you, they're going to get it to the point where it just like weed where you can smoke it through like a breathalyzer where all it is is just basically the mist of THC, whatever the fuck that stuff is that gets you high. They're going to get that with steroids. All right.

And you're going to be 80 years old walking around feeling like you can put your fucking fist through the goddamn wall. It's going to be great. All right. And all of this, this witch hunt on these a rod guys and all these guys went to jail and all that type of shit that people are going to look back and be like, well, what was the problem? That's that's my prediction. Provided an asteroid doesn't hit us first. Oh, by the way, I retweeted something that somebody sent me about the Denver International Airport.

You know, that there's basically that they started to build it. And then they said, well, the structure is wrong. And then they rather than destroying what they built, they buried it. And then they built the airport on top of it. So all the conspiracy theorists are saying this is a bunker for all the fucking people who are going to survive a nuclear holocaust or an economic meltdown. And there are a bunch of weird paintings on the on the walls. But if you really look at them objectively, it kind of looks more it's more about world peace. Oppression and then the children of the next generation coming along and oppressing the oppressors are stomping them out and then there's no war and no more weapons.

You can look at it in a sunshiny way, or you can look at it in a creepy way. And I got to admit a lot of the the artwork is pretty creepy. I'll send you guys a link to that shit, but it's pretty interesting. I don't I love conspiracy theory because I know, you know, I know how much I lie. So why wouldn't they be so I love the speculation. All right, here we go. Let's let me shut the fucking get on with the the questions for the week. All right, this one says ponies dot dot dot.

I'm a retard. T. Y. built in. Yeah, I'm a Colts fan. I guess that's a reference to some guy who plays on the on the fucking Colts. I don't know. I don't know anybody's name anymore. I don't know who shot. I don't know who's in that.

He goes, I'm listening to the 826 13 podcast where you talk about the difference between a pony and a horse. Oh, I was making fun of the fact that I until I was like in my early 20s, I didn't realize that a pony's a pony and a horse is a horse. I thought a pony was a small horse and the people down the street had a pony. My whole childhood tied to the back of their fucking house was kind of cruel. But I remember driving by and finally when I was like 1920 years old, my mother was driving and I was just like, when is that pony going to turn into a horse?

And if I could just go back and listen to the October 26th podcast of last year, I explain it way better. The fucking look my mother gave me before she started laughing at me. I still see it on her face every time when I come home for Thanksgiving. Anyways, I'm 23 years old. He said 23 year old American English was my first language. I have my bachelor's degree. I am going to law school in August.

I scored higher on the law school admission test than 97% of potential lawyers. And I just had to look on Wikipedia to find out that ponies are indeed not young horses. I'm ashamed of myself. Go fuck yourself. At least I can read out loud. Hey, at least you can read out loud. Dude, you did all that other stuff. I can't do that.

You got to take me out because you're also fucking stupid. Anyways, he goes, thanks for the free laughs. Your Colorado Springs show was amazing. Go Andrew Luck. Well, he's going to the golf course there, buddy. Yeah, for all you people out there, pony is a pony. And a horse is a horse. I guess a small horse is a colt.

Is that what you'd call it? You know what's amazing is that I don't know what it is and I never take the time to look it up. I always sound dumb in this conversation. Okay, advice on men. Hey, bumbling Billy Boo. I'll keep the question short to rescue you from the English language. But I pop, but I pop. I get it.

I suck at reading out loud. He goes, I'm a 20. Oh, she says, oh my God, this is from a lady. I finally get a female to write in and I trash it right out of the gate. I'm sorry, sweetheart. She says, I'm a 20 for a year old girl and I'd like to know your best piece of advice of understanding the human male species. Many thanks, but at the same time go fuck yourself. Well, I'm sorry.

You got to be a little more specific. I'll give you basically generally speaking. Jesus Christ, what do you want to know? I would basically you want to learn how to communicate with them better. Yeah, so you're doing the right thing. You're asking another part. This is actually very smart question rather than sitting around with your female friends just going, I know, right? What is that?

God. You sit there at a fucking wine bar whining. This is what you do. You go across enemy lines and you ask, you know, a trader like me to read from the playbook. All right, how guys communicate. I can't say that we just say what we're thinking because we have liars and passive aggressive people and meandering little man boys. But generally speaking, the thing that confuses us the most, I did a bit. I can't remember if I did it on a special, but one time I was driving with Nia and I said, Hey, I want to get a chocolate shake.

We're going by this diner and she freaks out. She's like, Oh my God, they make the best chocolate shakes. And I go, I know, right? And she goes, Yeah, she just goes, Oh my God, they're so big. She just kept saying they're so big. And after a while, I'm thinking like, Yeah, like fuck, how the fuck am I going to drink this whole thing? And then immediately just clicked on me like I said, they're not big. They're standard size.

Wait a minute. She wants half of my shake, but she doesn't want to seem selfish, but she doesn't want all the calories of the full shake. So rather, but she doesn't want to look like she's taken away 50% of my good time. So rather than telling me that she's trying to mind fuck me into thinking something that I drank a zillion times with ease is now too big. You know what I mean? So that's how you guys communicate. I don't know how we communicate because I can't just sit there and make it seem like guys are heroes and what they would be like, Listen, I'm trying to lose weight. So can I have half your shake?

The only thing I tell you is you're 24 years old. You shouldn't understand them. You shouldn't understand guys, but it's hard for me to. I don't know what you're asking. Please write back. Please write back advice on men part two. Just do that again. Just fucking write back.

Ask me something more specific and I can help you out. But it's great that at 24, you're actually smart enough to ask guys to explain. Let's see. Best piece of advice is a great piece of advice. Learn how to cook. All right. As stereotypical as that fucking sounds, I don't mean it in a sexist fucking way. All right.

I don't. Don't be a slob. And learn how to cook would put you ahead of 80% of fucking women out there because for some reason, somewhere along Edith Wharton over that chick who sewed the flag, making a guy a sandwich became this absolutely degrading fucking thing to do. Yet guys still have to hold the doors and fucking buy drinks like why we don't find that sexist reverse sexist or whatever the fuck you call it. I remember one time I was downstairs. I don't know what the fuck I was doing. I was doing some pain in the ass job. I was cleaning out something in the garage and without me asking or anything, Nia came downstairs with this unbelievable sandwich.

She had made pickles, toothpick in it, the whole fucking nine yards. And she brought like something to drink downstairs too. And I stopped working. I sat down. It was one of the greatest moments of our relationship. All right. So that's some advice I would give you is guys are very, we're very simple. And by simple, I don't mean stupid before you get on your fucking high horse.

Okay. It's like an old school engine. You open the hood and everything's right there. Real wheel drive. It's not turned to the side, jammed into the compartment. None of that bullshit. It's just fucking basic. You just do that every once in a fucking while.

Guys will think I have a keeper and all you're doing is making a fucking sandwich. And that doesn't mean that you shouldn't have the right to vote. It's fucking unreal. Cooking. And then you're not even cooking. All you're doing is just slapping shit together. You're building a little fucking food house. How difficult is that?

That's what I don't understand. Like, I guess I kind of understand it. But like cooking a meal for somebody is one of the greatest things you could ever do for them. All right. I'll leave it at that. So I would say something simple like that. This is how simple guys are. If you actually, every once in a while, just said, hey, do you want a beer?

And you actually got up and went to the fridge and got a beer and brought it out, put it in a fucking frosted mug. I mean, personally speaking, I'm ready to go paint the house. Because that little move there, I feel like a fucking king. That's all it takes. That's all it takes. Very simple. Let him head out with his friends once a week.

If they come over and they watch the game and you're not into the game, leave. Go in the other room or be a good shit and hang. But don't ruin his good fucking time. Jesus, I'm on a roll here now. Here's another one. Try to limit the amount of horrific shit you're going to drag him to. He's obligated to go to some of it, but he has to have just set it up and just say, listen, there's a bunch of shit that you do that I'm not going to be into.

Right. Like tailgating on a golf course, peeing in a port a party before a football game that you don't give a shit about. I don't want to be there for that. So I get to tap out of that. All right. And then the guy, he gets to tap out of like, I don't know. I tapped out at one time, uh, Nia wanted to take me to somebody's birthday party. They were having some fucking, you know, we're all going to dress like it's the gold rush or the fucking prohibition era.

It's like, I don't want to fucking do that. She gave me shit. I was just, I don't want to do it. And she let me out of it. We laughed about it. I actually went there without a costume. I mean, I made a deal. We made it.

We made a, we made a deal. I think I told this story. I'm fucking punched drunk. Yeah, I didn't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. I showed up and I didn't wear a costume, which was hilarious because every other guy was fucking dressed like Charlie Chaplin. And I show up in street clothes and they're looking at me like I'm a magician. And then I left early because that's right. Cause I would have watched the Celtics were playing the Lakers in the finals that year when we beat them.

And I would have missed it if Nia wasn't so fucking cool. So that's, that's what I would do. And if you actually do shit like that, you know, you put yourself on this stage. You put yourself on this solid ground with the guy that you're with where now there's no reason for him to be an asshole to you or be mean to you because you're being so nice to him. It really kind of works that way. It kind of feeds off each other. That's the best I can do without a specific question. All right.

So there you go. And you know, fuck everybody who's going to say that, you know, what I just said was sexist, you know, go fuck yourself. I don't think it's, you know, you're on a date with your woman. You go and you open the car door for you. You still do that shit. If I can do that, you can go get me a fucking beer. Christ, it's a twist off. What are you going to hurt your wrist?

Yeah. You know something? That'll be my advice. Stop acting like a kicker. You know how much it fucking annoys me that every time a kicker makes a tackle, he gets hurt. I just fucking, I just don't understand that. Jesus fucking Christ. Put some cream on it and get back out there and fucking throw your feet around.

All right. College room. Billy Vanilly. I like that one. That's a new one. I can't wait to see you in Hamilton, Ontario. I'm a 21 year old college student. Oh, by the way, I'm hopefully going to have the links to those dates in the next week or so.

Everybody asking about my big Canadian tour in March. Anyways, this person says, can't wait to see you in Hamilton, Ontario. I'm a 21 year old college student who has been having to deal with rumors. I was a resident Don a couple months back, which means I was responsible for watching over first year students in their dorms. During Halloween, I did hook up with one of the first years at a party I was at. Word somehow spread, but through classic broken telephone that I got a drunk and banged her in the elevator of her dorm. Consistently, when I am at any, I think you meant to say consequently, when I'm at any social gathering party kegger, when I tell a girl my name, they immediately walk away as if I'm some monster. Oh, no, I'm thinking of transferring school as a fair share of the campus thinks I'm that creepy guy around girls.

Any advice on addressing this rumor with girls to stop them from running for the hills would be greatly appreciated. I don't know, dude. Did you do it? If you didn't do it. I don't know. If you didn't do it, I would talk to the to the woman that you hooked up with. Can you say, listen, can you please tell people that I didn't get you drunk that that didn't happen? I don't know. I mean, I don't know if people are mature enough. Once it gets out like that, maybe she's embarrassed that she hooked up with an older guy. I have no fucking idea.

I don't know. That's I don't like those creepy sex ones because now I have to do this. I have to assume that you are innocent. Who would get up somewhere? I got to tell you this. Who would get somebody drunk and then fuck them in a public place like that? If you're doing something underhandedly, like that story doesn't even make sense unless you wanted to get caught. Whatever. I don't know.

I don't know how to get it. Once you get accused of sexually weird shit, you kind of do have to leave. But then they win. I don't do that sucks. I really hope that, you know, if you are innocent, I really hope that you can somehow get out of that because that's that fucking thing where I always felt like, you know, somebody gets accused of some sort of sex crime. Like, I don't think that they should just put their name in the fucking paper until they're they're convicted. Even then, everybody in your world is going to know about it. And if you didn't do it, once you're just accused of it, you're done.

You're done. It's fucking over. I don't know. And back in the day, at least you could you could go a couple of states over, you know, change your name to fucking TJ or some shit and fucking start a new life. You can't do it now. The social media, the internet, everything just follows you around. You know what I would do it? I would stop going to parties.

I would get sober and I would just say, you know, just and I would, I don't know, stone sober, meet a nice girl and just say, yeah, I mean, I hooked up with this girl and then somebody started this fucking rumor and I'm done with it. I don't want to do this shit anymore. I don't, I don't know how to, I honestly, I don't know how to get out of that. Jesus, these are fucking hard questions this week. I don't fuck with that. I don't think if you transfer, you're admitting that you were wrong. But where the fuck are your friends who can back you up going, oh, that's bullshit. You got nothing.

You just a loner. Jesus, I don't know. All right. Motorcycle through Thailand. Jesus Christ. If you wrote a motorcycle through Thailand, you're the toughest fucking guy I know, unless you're from there. Dear Billy Bud Baxter. I'm glad to hear your 2014 is starting off strong.

I remember you talking a few weeks back about being able to drive all, to be able to drive all things. I've had that same philosophy for a few years now and I've been working towards learning how to do just that. I'm 25 hours into getting my pilot's license and in November I took a basic motorcycle driving course over a weekend. I think you have taken something similar. Yeah, I got a motorcycle license. A couple of weeks after the course with no additional motorcycle experience and never having driven outside of a parking lot. I flew to Thailand. Jesus Christ.

There I went to the northern mountains and rented a 250cc dual purpose dirt bike and drove for nine days around the May Hong Son loop. The fuck is that? Though it can easily be done in five or six days. Google it if you feel like it. It was easily the best experience of my entire life. I was able to get out of the shit show tourist clap trap areas and see what the fuck was going on in the day to day lives of a bunch of ties. The food was incredible. The views were out of this world. The people are the most friendly in the world.

See, I have all these stereotypes. I wouldn't want to go up there thinking I'd get kidnapped or some shit. And I was able to gain some real chops when it comes to riding a bike. Plus I got to stop in a couple of small tourist based towns and met a beautiful Scandinavian girl. Oh, and it didn't hurt that 50 baht. I don't know how to say it. A dollar 50 American will get you all the food you can eat. And 400 baht will get you a beautiful bamboo hut in the middle of the goddamn rainforest for the night.

I doubt anyone will give a shit about you stand up in Thailand. It's not you. It's them. But you should definitely make a trip out there and drive around on a rented motorcycle. I got tons of more information if you're actually interested. Thanks for the free laughs. Come to Durham, North Carolina soon. And go fuck yourself. Dude, I would love to do that.

I'm just afraid to go. There's certain places where you go. Don't you get put on a list? Isn't Thailand the one where fucking perverts go to to bang little boys? You know, we got enough Thai food over here. They just assume they don't assume you're going over there to ride a bike on the fucking Ho Chi Minh loop or whatever the fuck you just did over there. They think you're going over there for that. But that sounds awesome.

That is that is a bucket list. Goal of mind. I do. I want to be in some scenic place in another country on a motorcycle. I mean, why wouldn't you want to fucking do that? Ride around pretend like you're tough and you know how to fight. That's just what I want to do. Congratulations.

I never even heard of that for the for those few listeners at home. If you're at your desk right now and you don't want to fucking do work. Do work. You don't want to be working. Let me spell that out for you. I flew to Thailand for the May Hong son loop MAE Hong as in Hong Kong H O N G son S O N loop. By the way, what's up with fucking Dr. Evil in North Korea feeding his uncle to dogs? Is that true?

I kind of have to believe that because it's not like they have to sway public opinion liberal or conservative about that guy. That fat jerk off. The fuck is wrong with you? If you're listening to this because I know your dad was a big movie fan and maybe you want to rebel against your dad and listen to podcast. If you listen to this, dude, you're headed towards an ugly death. You're not going to survive doing shit like that. That's not the way to do it. I don't know.

Did your dad own the Godfather trilogy and you're trying to act like everybody in your world is fucking mow green? Maybe you have to do that. You should have just shot the guy, dude. If you do stuff like that, like the level of fear that that put in me and I'm not even in your country. I'm already thinking I think my first thought after I got over the wave of fear of that was I have to kill this guy. If I lived in the country, that's what I would have two bullets. One for him and then I'd shoot myself just in case I did. You know what?

I'd shoot the dude and then I would wait half a second and if I didn't hear a pause, I would then shoot myself. Because I always felt if you took out a guy who's just ruling with that level of psychoness that if you took him out, as everybody's sitting there looking down at the floor as he's saying the next crazy thing you wanted to do, that if you actually took him out that on some level people would be like the second you did it would be like, Oh God, thank God you did it. Jesus Christ. I thought I was the only one. All right.

I don't fucking know. Let me move on to the last one here and I got to wrap this podcast up because I got a, I'm going to do Joe Bartnick's podcast today. He's picking me up. This is a podcast Monday, baby. All right. Drunk girlfriend issue. Hey.

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60-day free trial? Can you just start in your business? Right out of the gate, you sound like a pro. I wish I had a business idea. Okay. Drunk girlfriend issue. This is the last one on the podcast. Hey, Billy Bob Burton.

I'm a big fan of yours, fellow Bostonian, suburb guy as well, and I love the podcast. I have some relationship issues that I'd like your input on. If you would be so kind, you fuck. All right, I've been dating my girlfriend for over four years. I am 26, she's 25. We moved in together in September 2013 because I thought things were going well. Well, we have some issues and I'm not sure what to do.

Besides the usual fights over things where I think logically and present my side of the argument well with facts that are relative to the subject, and she rambles about how I'm a mama's boy and have a small dick. Well, yeah, I guess in other words, you're probably right, so she's just capitulated and I was just insulting you. Granted, this is your version of it. Anyways, he said my biggest issue is her drinking. More specifically, how she acts when she's drunk.

When we are drinking in public, sitting, not setting, sitting with a large group of people, she drinks too much and always blacks out. This is typically not a normal thing. It only happens once every few months, but over the holiday season it happened every weekend while at company Christmas parties. Hers and mine, friends' houses, and while on a pub crawl. I have two big issues with her blacking out like that. One is that it's usually, she only drinks excessively when other people,

mainly her bitchy best friend, insist that my girlfriend should drink a lot, even though my girlfriend has a very low tolerance for alcohol. It's to the point that her best friend will say things to her like, if you don't take this shot, I hate you, slash, you're not my friend. Jesus Christ, and she's being serious. I have spoken with my girl repeatedly about how I feel that that's not a good idea, or right to allow her friend to do that to her, and my girlfriend replies that she's not going to say no to her best friend no matter what.

Jesus Christ, this is like a textbook, codependent relationship here. My second issue is that when she blacks out, once I get her in the car or cab to take her home, she gets really quiet and starts saying she hates our relationship, she hates me, she hates living with me, she wishes we would break up, among other similar things. Once she sleeps it off and wakes up hungover, she has no recollection of what she said to me the night prior, and she says that drunk words, they're drunk words and they mean nothing.

Oh, God. I do not think that way. It legitimately hurts my feelings and has happened so often recently that I've been weighing my options about whether it's time to end this relationship and move on. I'm not sure. I'm just being a pushy need to get over it, or if I have a legitimate gripe here. Dude, you totally have a legitimate gripe. He says, I care about my girlfriend a lot,

and until recently I was beginning to think about proposing marriage to her at some point. Dude, you cannot on any fucking level propose to this girl with this shit on the table right now. He said, I had planted in my head that if we were going to live together for two years, then we had the right stuff for marriage. With all this drinking stuff, though, I'm not sure where to go. If you have any tips or advice, I'd greatly appreciate it. Go fuck yourself. Can't wait to see a new Special 2014.

Hope you perform at Boston. All right. Yeah, dude. First things first, do not on any level propose marriage to this woman at all on any fucking level. What you have to do is you got to put your foot down. All right. You have to say both things that you brought up provided you're being honest with me. You were 100% in the right.

And you have to just say, look, you can't drink like that anymore. And you can't have a relationship with your friend like that anymore. Actually, you can because you are a free individual. But if you're going to be, then I want out of this relationship. I'm not going to be with somebody who drinks like that and more specifically drinks like that because a friend is making a drink like that. And second of all, you know, I don't, I don't, you know, there's an expression out there that what does it say a drunk man's words or a sober man's thoughts. I don't know. I would.

Oh, shit. This is Bartek. Hold on one second. Hang on. Hang on. Joey B just wrapping up the podcast. I'll be outside in two minutes. Okay.

All right. See you. Um, yeah. So I would basically, uh, okay. So let's just compartmentalize this thing. Okay. If that first issue, just the drinking thing, I would just lay down the gauntlet. You, if you, if you want to be with me and you know, I'm not going to be in a relationship with that going on.

That's unacceptable. I respect the fact if you still want to do it, but if you still want to do it, then you're moving out around moving out and we're not going to be a couple anymore because I'm not tolerating that. And you're well within your right to do that. And it's a great thing to say at 26 years of old to get some sort of self-esteem within a relationship and have some ground rules with yourself. This is your half of the circle. What do I want? And what am I willing to put up with? Where is my line?

You found your line and you tell her that that's where it is. You don't have to be a jerk. You don't have to get angry. Just say, this is my line. And I totally respect if you want to live on the other side of the line, I'm just not going to live with you doing that. Um, this other shit where she gets, she says she hates her relationship and wishes that you broke up. Um, if it happened one time, whatever she does that every fucking time, I think those are our honest words. And I honestly would seriously consider getting the fuck out of that relationship.

Um, I think you guys have both been in a relationship for a long time. You got into it when you were really young. Maybe she still wants to see, explore, see what the fuck's out there. I have no idea, but that is a major, major fucking red flag. Um, and, uh, I don't buy it. And I also don't buy that she's 100% drinking like that because her friend is making her do it. Uh, I think she wants to drink life. Maybe she's drinking like that cause she's not happy in the relationship.

I don't know. There's a bunch of major red flags and you were 100% in the right. You're not being a pussy. You're being fucking mature and you're saying what you want. Fuck this dude. You don't want some drunk with some drunk fucking friend who then gets hammered and says they don't want to be with you. When you dream, does that your dream girl? When you sit there in fantasy, kick this bitch to the curb.

I've had it with her. I'm not even in the fucking relationship. You could do better. All right. I'm not saying she's not the one, but she needs to grow the fuck up. Don't say it like that, but that, that's what I believe. And that's, that's my thoughts and I'm sticking with it. All right.

My buddy's outside. I'm being a cunt. I got to get off here. Uh, have a great week. Go fuck yourselves. And, um, that's it. I'll talk to you next week. I'm looking forward to some great football.

All right. See you. Bye.