Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-13-20

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

Bill rambles about the playoffs, illuminati television, and fatties.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 13th, 2020. Jesus Christ. I gotta make sure I'm quiet, man. I'm in this fucking hotel room and their walls are thin. All right, and there's been some fucking cougars next door. Been fucking... I don't know what they've been doing, but they've been up all fucking nights, and I feel like they're sleeping later some shit. So I gotta have my inside voice here. I'm still in New Orleans. It is Sunday night when I'm doing this. It's right before halftime, and the Packers are beating my Super Bowl prediction. Sneaky Pete in the Seattle Seahawks, 20-3. And I am going to the fucking national championship game tonight, and I just found out that President Trump is also going,

which means this is going to be a motherfucker trying to get into the venue, so I figured if we get there about 19 hours early, after all the pat-downs and all of that shit, you know, if I was president, I wouldn't go to games. I'm like, this is going to lose me votes. Bread and circus, just let the fucking common people go down there, get hammered, you know, do a little bit of line dancing, eat a couple of fucking pralines, ah, no, no, they gotta go down to the fucking game. Let me ask you a question. All right, then this isn't like partisan politics here. What the fuck is a president going to a goddamn game for?

Don't you have like a next level flat screen TV that you can literally stick your head into and look around the fucking arena? You're the president, you know? I never knew him to be a football fan, but at least he's going and that other guy, the other guy, that Pence guy, he's not going. That guy's a bummer, man. If he fucking showed up, something would happen, you know, some chick would show her tits and he'd get all fucking upset and then he would do a big grandiose walk out, you know, acting like a white chick, you know. This isn't perfect for me, so I'm leaving and I know when I get up to leave, everybody's going to care. So anyway, I don't even know where to fucking start. I've been in New Orleans for like the last three days.

Before I talk about the absolute craziness of that fucking Kansas City game, I can't even remember who the fact game was so fucking nuts. I can't even remember who the fuck played the day before San Francisco beat the Vikings and somebody else beat somebody. Oh, the Titans won again. Remember the Titans. Now wait, the Titans beat Buffalo last week. No, the Titans beat the fucking Ravens. Jesus Christ. All right, let's let's get to the bullshit first, which is just my stupid shows. I want to thank everybody that came out to the Mahalia Jack. Come on, Wilson.

Why am I saying come on, Wilson? The guy's running for his fucking life. Picking on the wrong guy here. Oh, Billy Ballwatcher here. Anyway, Mahalia Jackson Theatre played three nights there. Just amazing, amazing crowds. Each crowd was better than the next. I had such a good time. It was all like New Orleans locals for the most part, and they were they were so much fun, man. And I got the new hour, man, the new hour. Yeah, you know, it fucking all came together, right?

It's like when those people get ready, you know, the actors and models and shit when they get ready for a shoot. You know what I mean? They just cut out water and salt and all of that shit. It's it's tightening up. All right, you start. I'm starting to see the cheekbones of the of the act here. I'm really liking the direction that it's going in. And at least it's working in the middle of the country. We'll see how it works on the sensitive coasts. Those fucking assholes. New York and L.A. Why do they tell the whole fucking country what they should and shouldn't be fucking doing?

I don't know what happened. They, you know, two of the coolest cities with some of the greatest people, but there's like fucking eight people in each city who seem to be telling everybody what they should or shouldn't be doing. So whatever, it's been working out here. So I'm very excited about that and Bartnick. Oh, my God, Bartnick was fucking murdering. He was like murdering this this killing. And then it's just like the crowd is into you.

And they've been loving Joe Bartnick down south here in Memphis and in New Orleans. So anyway, we've just been hanging here in New Orleans, waiting for the big game. And it's so amazing if you ever come down here. The shit show that is Bourbon Street. I mean, I know it's a big party and all that type of stuff. But like if you just go one block over, you go down, is it Royal Street, Royale Street? It's just a bunch of old people antiquing. It's an occasional drunk on his way to Bourbon Street.

But you get on Bourbon Street and all of a sudden you're like, God damn, man, I could get like somebody could puke on me at any second. Let's stick the wallet in the front pocket, the whole thing. And then you get on the other side. Whatever that next street is, it's fine. You know, you drop your laundry off way down the street on Bourbon Street. It's just local people just fucking rely. You can't go hard like that. So I also found a beignet place, which is like these donut, powdered donut types of things that they have down here.

Everybody goes to this one place, Café Dumont. You go there, it's just, you know, it's people who party on Bourbon Street trying to sober up with a fucking donut. So there's like fucking 200 people in line for a donut. Okay, I'm sure they're delicious, but I'm not doing that. So one of the locals told me about a place around the corner, you know, where all the locals in the cops go, I guess, to get their fucking beignets. If they even do that shit here, you know what I mean? It's like I lived in Massachusetts for 27 years. I think I had clam chowder like three times.

I didn't like it. Okay, it looked like it had already been consumed and then spit up by a fucking cow. That's what it looked like. I was not into it at all. And I didn't eat lobster and all that bullshit. So they probably don't even eat those here, but it's just, it's right around the corner. I'm not even going to say the name of the place because I'm going to make you talk to a local because I'm not going to blow it up and fuck it up for the regular people. And last night, after our third show, we ended up going to another great place out here that just has locals and live music.

And you can also smoke cigars. It was like the perfect place. It was just like, you know, way away from the French Quarter and all that. And I went there. My parents are in town and this fucking band up there was just kind of playing blues or whatever. And then this dude just showed up out of nowhere. He had an accordion and a harmonica. And, you know, anywhere else, he would just start playing polka music.

I don't know what the fuck he'd do with the harmonica, but he's from New Orleans. So he made it sound great. They absolutely fucking killed. And I had the night that I wanted to have with my parents where it was just like real deal New Orleans live music, you know, good food and drink and all that. It was just fucking great. So that's what I've been up to. So once again, thank you to everybody in Memphis and New Orleans that have come out to my show. I am ready to fucking do some damage here on my tour this year.

And we got a bunch of new dates coming up. All right. Having said that, let's talk about the motherfucking playoffs. Okay, playoffs. Dude, what the fuck? What the fuck happened yesterday? I don't even, I watched the first game. I don't even remember what the first game.

Oh, I watched the, oh, I watched the San Francisco 49ers beat the Minnesota Vikings. When are the Vikings ever going to just push through and give those fucking poor people up there? Minneapolis, St. Paul, a goddamn Super Bowl. Evidently, not this year. Congratulations to the 49ers. They looked really solid. And their celebration game is just off the chains. I mean, they celebrate more than the Kansas City Chiefs and that's saying something.

Both of them were acting like they were winning the Super Bowl on every fucking play that they made. It's the funniest shit ever. I love that guy, Kelsey, but I swear to God, he's literally pushing the tackler off of him so he can go moonwalk because he fucking caught a pass for eight yards. And then he has all these drops and it's like, well, you should dance then too. Keep the attention on yourself. But I don't know, that's just the old man shit. It just fucking strikes me.

Remember that great catch Lin Swan had that unbelievable fucking catch he had in a fucking Super Bowl. You know, he didn't dance after. I don't understand what the fucking big deal is. So anyway, they look solid as hell. And I don't know. And then I went down to go do my show and I assumed like everybody else that the Baltimore Ravens were just going to go out and have a nice, easy fucking day against the Tennessee Titans. And I remember I was going to go on stage and the security guard was listening to the game and I was just like, hey, you got a score. And he just looks at me and he goes 14 nothing Titans.

I go get the fuck out of here. Like Jesus Christ. Somebody's cranking the music driving by. Oh shit, little Billy Jean. Kid is not his son. It's not his son. Unless it's a white kid that it's Michael Jackson son. Um, yeah, he stayed in that bleach bath way too long.

How they got all the way into his fucking DNA. Didn't it? Um, anyway, uh, or Vertilago, whatever the fuck they call it, that went all the way into his fucking nut sector. All right, we get it. You're a Billy Jean fan. Can you get through the fucking intersection? Can you guys hear this as loud as I can? Um, all right.

So anyways, a lot of hugging, a lot of hugging going on at the watching right now watching Terry Bradshaw. If some big guy just came walking in looking like he played a humpback and fucking brighter Frankenstein. I think he just told Jimmy Johnson he's going to go to the Hall of Fame or something. I don't put that out there. Some just happened. They were all hugging the guy and then Jimmy Johnson looked emotional. His hair still stayed perfectly in place. Um, needed Emmett Smith to come there and then there and fucking mess it up.

So anyways, I cannot fucking believe that at this point you got to say the Titans are for real, right? They went in there. They went in to Baltimore and the whole just kicked the fucking shit out of him. I watched the 13 minute highlight of the game where they kind of gave you the flow of the game. And it was, it was over before it even started. I never would have thought that in a million years. It seemed like they were somehow able to contain Jackson. I know he had a couple of picks, but it looked like he still played great.

Um, so I'm looking at that shit and then I haven't just haven't watched the Kansas City game where they were down 24 points. And God bless the head coach of the Texans. The fucking verbal abuse that that guy is going to take, um, from some of the most unathletic people ever. Uh, I mean, but you just got to say those fucking calls he made that they made no, I, what the fuck? It's 21 to nothing. Okay. The legit loudest stadium in the league, Arrowhead Stadium sounds like a fucking funeral parlor. You couldn't hear a fucking thing in that stadium. It's fourth in one.

They got a chip shot for a field goal and he decides to consider a fourth down. I mean, I go forward on fourth down, right? And you just felt the whole stadium come alive. Like, wait a minute. Is this guy going to fuck this game up? Is this guy going to give us hope? Burns the time out. If I remember correctly, and then kicks does the smart thing and kicks a field.

And this is what kills me. Tony Romo is going like, I like this call when he was considering going forward on fourth down. And Tony Romo is, is, is I think the best color guy in the booth in 20 years. He's fucking incredible, but I just wish he would have explained. I think he started to buy still do not standing explain why the fuck in the first quarter. You would risk not making it on fourth down, getting the crowd back into the game and given the Kansas City Chiefs hopes hope right. So fortunately, they kicked the field goal. They go up 24 nothing. Like I was losing my mind when they were considering it going, please tell me they're not going to fucking do this.

Right. Not that I give a shit who wins the game because I really have, you know, the Chiefs fans have been waiting so goddamn long. So there's a part of me that really wants to see them win it. So those people, you know, oh yeah, he's definitely. Oh yeah, pro football Hall of Famer class of 2020. Jimmy Johnson's cookies choking back tears. That's hilarious. It's also even funnier if you hate the Cowboys knowing that they drove a Hall of Fame coach.

Troy Aikman's crying. Look at this. They drove a Hall of Fame coach out of town who was so fucking great. Even Barry Switzer one one with his team. The next few there's nothing funnier than seeing a fucking guy trying not to cry. Look at him. Jesus Christ. He looks like he's looking into the sun. Anyway, so now they're up 24 to nothing. Okay, those Kansas City Chiefs fans that cut into the stands.

It looked like they just made barbecue illegal in their city. Okay, people's bottom lips are quivering. All these people wearing all of their gear are like, Oh my God, the Patriots are out of it. The Ravens are out of it. We have this seemingly clear path to the Super Bowl and we are down 24 fucking nothing. 24 nothing. We are down four fucking scores to an expansion team. Okay, so then what the Chiefs get the ball back or some shit like that, right?

And then the fucking Ravens go out there. Okay, maybe got a first down or whatever. It's fourth down. Kick the fucking ball away. Crowds a little bit into it. Just kick the fucking ball. Make him make him earn the touchdown. They call a fake fucking pun.

And once again, Tony Romo goes, I'd like that call if they did something, something quicker. They would have had it. Somebody explain this to me because we've already established that I'm just this old guy. All right. You guys have tweeted me enough times. The picture of Clint Eastwood sitting on his front porch. You fucking hacks. You guys all use the same fucking gift thinking you're brilliant.

All right. Please explain to me why do teams go for it on fourth down in the first fucking half? Why would you do that shit? What in Europe by fucking three touchdowns in a field goal? Why the fuck would you even consider that? Why the fuck would you call a fake pun on your side of the 50? Dude, that stadium came alive. And I don't think they ever got the fucking momentum back.

You're up 24 fucking points and you can't even be, you don't even have a lead at halftime. I don't know, man. That thing, that was such, I guess, who goes for the kill shot in the first fucking quarter or the beginning of the second quarter? There's no kill shot. There isn't. You're going to play 60 minutes and I swear to God with the fucking prevent defense, every game comes down to the fucking wire.

Take the whatever points you can get on every fucking drive and you're on your side of the 50, and you punt the fucking ball away. These are not groundbreaking thoughts here on football. There's a reason why people have always done that because it fucking works. It made me, like I said, I didn't have a dog in that fight, but it made me sick to my stomach watching them fuck that game up like that. Okay, here's the thing. You don't, you just fucking kick the field goal and you don't go for it and you punt the fucking ball.

After Kansas City, you wouldn't have come back. I mean, that's a hell of a team they have, obviously, but like, you, you, I just feel you, it just changed the whole game. Like they would have, let's say just the normal kind of comeback happened. It would have taken them to the end of the third fucking quarter. Now granted, also as much shit as the coach is going to take after Kansas City scores, to make it fucking what 24 seven and what they did, they kicked the ball off. It's, it happened so goddamn fast.

They kick it off and then they fumbled the fucking ball on the kickoff for touchdown. I mean, that's not the coach's fault, but Kansas City was so favored, so favored, and they were down by so many fucking points. They were like, you saw it in their faces. Did you see what my homes looked like when he was sitting on the fucking bench? It looked like it was the end of the fourth quarter and the game was over. Not saying that he quit, but he had a look on his face. I mean, that's, that's, that's the look you want on that guy's face.

Kansas City was exactly who they thought they were and they let him off the hook. That game was a fucking travesty. I mean, I shouldn't really do this because I bet Kansas City fans are like, Bill, what about the fact that we scored like 41 on the answer points? Yeah, I know it was amazing. It was amazing, but like, I mean, it's not like the Texans didn't help you along with those. Oh my God, just considering that fourth down. You know, it's like you had a vampire with his steak three quarters of the way in,

and then for some reason you stopped hitting the hammer and started to pull it out. Right as the things eyes were going to close. So anyway, one of the most amazing comebacks I've ever seen, but the fact that the Texans helped them along, I just, I felt, I don't know. That was the last time I saw something like that was when the Patriots came back against the fucking the Falcons, but it was my team. So I could totally enjoy it. But even then I, there was, there's just a sickening feeling.

You don't want to see anybody do that, man. That was a, that kind of redefined the, the old shit show there. Hang on a second. Somebody's at the door. All right, I'm back. I'm back. Anyway, so, so what do we got next week? We got the Titans versus the Kansas City Chiefs.

All right. I'm a standup comedian. What the fuck do I know? All right. Here's my prediction. A lot of people like somebody texts me said, there's no way the Titans are beating the fucking chiefs. I don't know as much as the chiefs had an incredible game. They also led up 31 points and like 374 yards passing and the Titans got that fucking.

What's his name? Henry Derek. Henry's that was name. I don't know. I met so much out here traveling. I don't know. I just, they got a quarterback. They got a running back.

They got a good defense. I just think and they got Vrabel who seems to be showing the world that he's an unbelievable coach. He also came up under Belichick. So I kind of got a route for him. I don't know. That's a weird one because I want to, I want to root for the underdog here, but also like Kansas City has been waiting for so fucking long. And I'm so old that the Titans are still an expansion franchise. Even though they're not, they're an old AFL team.

They used to be the Houston Oilers, but as far as like being a Nashville to people in Nashville, right. And do you really care about NFL football? Come on. You live in Nashville. Right. You're out there listening to country music. All my rounded friends are coming over from that. Right.

Isn't that what you're doing out there? I'm fucking with you. I know you give a shit. I think it's going to be a close game. And one of the only question mark I think on the Kansas City has been their defense. And I don't know. I think they're defensive backs. I don't know.

They're not saying they're bad, but I don't know how good they are. So we shall see. What the fuck do I know? Right. And it's looking like my fucking sneaky Pete pick here was not going to come in. Why do you give a fuck? You know, when you make like a prediction, why do I give a shit? You know, you know why?

Cause first he picked the Packers to play the Patriots in the, uh, there you go. There you go. Look at that fucking Seahawks. Might come right out and score a touchdown, get themselves back into this game. Uh, he picked the Packers in the, in the, in the, uh, the Patriots and I picked, uh, the Ravens in Seattle. So obviously both of our AFC picks are out of the picture. And, uh, so this game here comes down to me verse Verzi.

And it's looking like he's going to win this one unless Wilson can leave these guys in right now. Um, I was hoping Marcia Lynch was going to do a little bit more, especially when they gave him all those extra pushes. I was loving that. I'm like, God, it's great. Piss off Marcia Lynch. That's a smart fucking move.

Uh, that's like going for a fake punt on your side of the 50. Jesus Christ. I swear to God, I swear to God, I almost felt like Roger Goodell called him, called up that coach and was like, people are turning off the game. We're going to lose a fortune. Do something stupid. Let him back in the game. I'm telling you, that's been my, my conspiracy theory that to prevent defense was actually

designed to make sure every game was never out of reach. So people wouldn't shut games off during the third fucking quarter. Well, at least they would do it as little as possible. And everybody would look like Elway in Montana and Marino, you know, Roger Starback, all those guys, you know, very few quarterbacks back in the day could do what the fuck every quarterback seems to be able to do now, which is go 80 yards with under two minutes left in a game and then get four shots at the fucking game. So, all right, with that, congratulations to everybody who won crazy games, crazy games.

All right, let me read a little bit of advertising here. So I type in my fucking password. Once again, I don't know what you guys like if this if this stays this way, Packers will have to go into San Francisco, you know, one of the fans had a sign that kind of pissed me off. So the die, the, the empire is rising or something like that. I was like, empire. I don't think the 49ers ever had an empire.

They had a dynasty. They didn't have an empire. Okay, the Yankees had a fucking empire. The Celtics had an empire. Right. Fucking football, man. You win four or five. The Patriots don't have an empire.

We had a fucking sick run. We had the greatest fucking run since they've been counting Super Bowls. But like as I always maintain the New York Yankees of football are the Green Bay Packers. If they counted Super Bowls and NFL titles, which would be amazing if the Packers win this one, I believe would be their fifth. I want to say. What is, wait a second. Wait a second.

They have two with Bart Starr. They won one with Brett Farve and Aaron Rodgers has one. Right. Yeah. That's four. So then they'd be in the, uh, the upper echelon there. Oh, Bill, shut the fuck up and read some goddamn copy. All right.

Here's some copy for you. I just literally heard that woman yawn next door. She goes, hmm. I think I'm boring her with my football talk. You know, or maybe she just woke up from her slumber. So she can go howl at the fucking moon again. All right. Brave everybody.

Brave is the web browser. You know some, I should really go in the other fucking room. I feel like she's hearing every fucking word of this and pretty soon. I've had that happen to me on podcasts in the past. You know, I think that happened to me in New Jersey one time. I had security come to the door. People are complaining that you're screaming and yelling. And I'm just like, I am.

Who's in there with you? Nobody. Um, all right. Here we go. Safe confines here at the bedroom. Uh, all right. Let's do a little bit of reading here. Oh, brave everybody.

Everybody's brave. Right. But are they brave enough to call their company brave? Now that's real. That's real. Braveity. Brave is the web browser reimagined. Keep your personal information private as you surf to the internet.

Oh, here we go. Yeah. Cause there's somebody else who advertises here who's not exactly doing that. I got to rethink that fucking contract. All right. But if you can't figure out what the fuck they're doing, hey, we'll help you buy shit. And it cost you nothing.

What's in it for you? Just ask those questions people and you should be fine. All right. People, you are living in the surveillance economy. Here's someone's trying to stop that right now. Every time you're in the surveillance economy. People, you are living in the surveillance economy. Here's someone's trying to stop that right now.

Every time you download a web page, you are not just downloading the content parentheses, texts and images. You are also downloading privacy invading trackers. Wait until you realize how pathetic people are. Advertisers and shit that they need to do this. How much more shit do they need to sell us? It's like the whole fucking ocean is full of the crap nobody wants anymore. It's, I don't know.

Somebody sits there and figures the shit out and fucking watches what goddamn toothpaste you want. Anyways, wait until you hear what information about you is shared. Your digital profile can include your inferred sexual orientation. That's hilarious. Well, he's mainly watched heterosexual porn. He went a little sideways here a couple of times. Political views, religious beliefs or even what types of medical issues you might

have. It includes what you are reading, watching and listening to. It includes your location. Sometimes right up to your exact GPS coordinates. So if you're like looking, I always say to be looking at toothpaste, then they'll just pop up and add right for toothpaste and then a pharmacy right around the corner. Is that what they're doing?

It has to be a program. There's not enough people to watch all the people in the world. Anyways, and it includes unique ID codes that are specific to you as your social security number. So that all of this data can be tied to you continually over time. This allows companies you have never heard of to maintain intimate profiles about you and what makes you tick. And on everyone you know data collected about you can be used to manipulate

your decisions, but also countrywide decisions like elections. Take Cambridge Analytical for example. I don't even know what that is. What if you're a contrarian though? They probably figure out that you're a contrarian. So then they show you the candidate they don't want you to vote for, right? Anyway, but there's a way to protect yourself and remove the surveillance economy.

Start using Brave. Brave stops data grabbing trackers and creepy ads from following you across the web, which allows you to browse up to six times faster than with other browsers. Oh, that's cool. So stop allowing the surveillance economy to take advantage of you. It's time to turn off the manipulation engine. Not to mention it's your personal information.

So shouldn't you get a cut of it? I know they're doing the work gathering it, but it's still you, right? They can't kick you a little 10%. Switching to Brave is easy. Import your bookmarks with one click and in less than 60 seconds you'll be enjoying a better internet. It's free and all your Chrome extensions work in Brave. What do you mean it's free?

Why is it? Listen to listeners of the podcast can switch to Brave for free today. Go to brave.com slash burr and download Brave today. That's brave.com slash burr and switch today. This is also free. So how are they making money? Oh boy. No, boy, oh boy, oh boy.

You want this car? It's free. Oh, yeah. I don't have to be just in business to not make money. Oh, Max. If you're one of thousands that have purchased, oh, Max, Health's cryo freeze CBD, the pain relief roll on that's been coming to the rescue for so many of my listeners. According to this copy, this is okay to help instantly relieve joint pain.

Then you don't want to miss this. This is a brand new product that and it's the first time people talked about this on this podcast. Oh, Max has given, gives you an exclusive on the launch of their new cryo freeze CBD sport recovery cream cryo freeze CBD, CBD, CBD poison sport recovery cream provides instant cooling and relief, relief and moisture. So it can be used daily to refresh and revitalize tired and achy, achy joints and muscles. So why do you need this in addition to the rule on the pain relief roll on provides targeted relief for every, for every painful area. I use that shit on my frozen shoulder. It's been helping me out man.

And it makes it feel wintery green fresh for when my wife puts her head on my frozen shoulder. Please don't move my arm, sweetie. The sport recovery cream is an ultra rich moisturizing cream with the same icy cold relief as the roll on, but it can be used all over your body, including your legs, feet, back, shoulders, wrists and hands. That's not all your body. I thought they were going to keep going. The powerhouse recovery cream includes broad spectrum CBD, CBD with 0% THC. So there's absolutely no high, okay, plus 10 natural healing botanicals, including magnesium,

which is great for muscle cramps and arnica for circulation and bruising. It features canna micro sphere technology, which is a new delivery system for CBD that only omax has, which helps deliver fast and more powerful results. So if you have sore muscles, backache, stiff joints, or just feel like you need to revitalize your body, then you cannot miss trying the cryo free CBD sport recovery cream. I want to need this shit from my tongue if this goddamn copy gets any longer. Omax is offering my listeners. Here we go. Here we go.

Here's the money shot 20% off their omax cryo free sport recovery cream plus shipping is free. This discount also applies towards any products site-wide through the end of this month. Just go to omax.com today. That's O-M-A-X-H-E-A-L-T-H.com and enter code burr, B-U-R-R. That's O-M-A-X-H-E-A-L-T-H.com and enter code burr to get 20% off O-M-A-X cryo free sports recovery cream and site-wide. All right. Lastly, but not leastly, and then I'm going to announce my new date, man. Helix. Helix.

Helix. Okay. Here's my Helix ad. All right. Oh, no. Why are they trying to write shit for me? Okay, this is their copy. Hi, I'm Bill Burr. I'm a really unique guy.

I am not. I shop at the Gap about as fucking mainstream as it gets. That's why you like my podcast or don't like it. I don't care. But I'm truly one of a kind. Why are they making me talk about my, I sound like a fucking wide receiver right now, one in a bigger contract, which is why I sleep on a mattress designed specifically for me. And you can too.

Next, please mention all the talking points below. Helix, Helix built a sleep quiz that takes two minutes to complete and they use the answers to match your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress. Shouldn't it be for the perfect mattress for you? To the perfect mattress. Oh, for you. All right, if you like mattress, if you like a mattress that's really soft or firm, you sleep on your side or on your back or you're in your stomach or you sleep really hot, gross. With Helix, there's a specific mattress for each and everybody's unique taste.

Hey, you know how fucking funny it is if you're a hot sleeper? Like what's going on with you that you're just usually you lay in the couch. You're not moving, you know, your body temperature tends to, I know you get a little chill. You reach up for an Afghan, even the middle of July, the fact that you're laying there roasting, spontaneously combusted. Just go to helixsleep.com slash burr. Take that two minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life like me. Like me, I guess. I don't, I, they got to stop doing this shit.

I just want to read what the fuck it is and stop having me. Oh, gee, I fucking jerked off on this. Helix sleep was even awarded the number one best overall mattress pick of 2019 by GQ and wired magazine. They have a 10 year warranty and you get to try it out for a hundred nights, risk free, gross. They'll even pick it up. If you don't like it, even grosser, that's nice. Wouldn't they be like, oh, you didn't like it? All right, just stick it out back then.

No charge. Uh, no, we're going to go down and get it. They're going to go down and get it. Yeah. Okay. Right now, Helix is offering up to $200 off the mattress orders for our listeners. Get up to $200 off helixsleep.com slash burr. All right.

New dates. They go down and get it. Everybody just like when you fucking turn in your old cell phone, they keep it. All right. New dates. All right. March 27th. I'm going to be in Reno, Nevada.

I'm going to be in Sierra resort and casino. April 9th. I'm going to be in Atlanta, Georgia at the Coca-Cola Roxy. April 14th. I'm going to be in Nashville, Tennessee at the Ryman Auditorium for Nashville, the Nashville Comedy Festival. And May 1st. I'm going to be at the Indianapolis, Indianapolis, Indiana at the Murrat Theater.

All right. So get your goddamn tickets if you can. All right. Okay. What do we got here? What do we got here? How much, how much have I done here? It's time to start reading the questions, but you know what else it's time for?

It's time for old freckles to check in on the game to see what's happening. All right. Can the Seattle Seahawks. I didn't like that clown. He went down, man. I didn't know that he was fucking hurt too. That, that is, that's a major factor. I'll tell you tales of the tape for someone like me who's told jokes for almost 30 years

and hasn't played organized football in fucking 40. I'm going to give you my fucking opinions here. I don't have any opinions. I picked the Seattle Seahawks and I want them to win because I don't want to listen to Versi. Tell me that once again, he was right. At least his pick went further than mine. Come on.

All right. We got a check on a couch. Fox, it's on Fox. What do we got here? Oh God. I got Green Bay Packers smiling and dancing on the sidelines. All right. Come on.

Come on. Give me a game. Give me. Oh, the Packers are kicking off. It's 28 to 10. All right. So they're down by 18. So you know what that means if they get it down to the one yard line and it's fourth

in one, then they should automatically just, just go for it. Right. Is that how you do it? All right. Packers jumping around. I gotta tell you this generation of football players, they are so amazed every time they make a fucking tackle, jumping up and down, fist pumping. I mean, there's some celebrations out here that there are more than what I would do if

I won the fucking lottery. Oh, Jesus Christ. Why the fuck would I bet against Aaron Rodgers? What kind of, what kind of, why, why, why the fuck would I ever do that? You see, just the bigger the game, the better the guy plays. What the fuck was I thinking? Did I, did I give Pete Carroll too much credit? I'll tell you right now.

I think Carroll should have chewed two pieces of gum for this fucking game. Come on, Russell, make a game out of it. He throws the ball and it's fucking short. All right. No bears in Memphis. All right. Hey, Billy Bear Hunter. Hey, Bear, Bear Hunter Bill, I should say.

I swear to God, I have some sort of low level fucking dyslexia. I don't know what it is. Why, how could I read? Hey, Bear Hunter Bill is Hey, Billy Bear Hunter. Is there a dyslexia where you just try to guess what the sentence says rather than reading it? Hey, how about those Boston Bruins? I fucking watched all three games this week. The Predators, the fucking Winnipeg Jets.

How fun are they to watch? And they beat the Islanders last night. That fucking Winnipeg Jets game was one of the best hockey games I've seen this, this season. And I'm not saying that because the Bruins won. Parsonak had fucking, he scored goals 33, 34 and 35. Had a hat trick against the Winnipeg Jets. Bergeron had the game winner in overtime against the Islanders. And John Morgan, his second point of the year was fucking great.

Fun week to be a Bruins fan. And by the way, shout out to that fucking guy on the Avalanche. I forget the guy's name. I got to post this video, man. As far as like, as far as like sticking up for your teammate. This is just like this is my favorite one before this one was Adam McQuaid when he fought Rafi Torres when he elbowed Andrew Farrance. Look up Adam McQuaid versus Rafi Torres. And that's basically how it's done.

And if you would like a newer version, I forget the guy's name. I should know his name, but I don't have time to fucking look it up. The guy in the Colorado Avalanche fighting that dude on the Rangers. The guy had a questionable hit. Most of the shoulder was to the chest area, but he came. I think he caught his chin a little bit and the guy went down and this guy went over and just beat the fucking shit out of this guy. Just throwing haymakers and was connecting. It was borderline heroic what this man did.

I just wish there was more of that in the NHL. I'd be honest with you that that's what needed to be done to the St. Louis Blues last year. And nobody had the guy to do it. We all showed up with these finesse teams and that bum ass team with one fucking line won the cup. I don't think I'll ever get over it, which should make people in St. Louis enjoy the fact that it's still bothering me. If we just did that once, though, their balls would have pulled up into their body and they would have played like the fucking mediocre team that they were. All right. Another first down for Seattle.

That's bullshit, Bill. Fuck you. They beat you fair and square. All right, they did. All right. Hey bear hunter Bill. Love the comedy and the podcast. I was at your stand up show Monday night and thought it was terrific.

Just wanted to give you a heads up though that we don't have bears in Memphis. I realized that dude. That was the joke. The Grizzlies is a dumb team name for the town, but whatever. No, it was the Vancouver Grizzlies. Jesus Christ. You don't even know your, your own history here. There was the Vancouver Grizzlies were a NBA franchise there for, I don't know, eight, nine seasons or something.

I don't know how long they were up there. I just remember they had really ugly uniforms and they had this big white dude named big country that came from either Oklahoma State University, Oklahoma. And it's like the Utah Jazz. It made sense when it was the New Orleans Jazz and Utah for some reason. I don't know why they didn't change it. Maybe because they're Mormons and they're just super friendly. And it's like, well, we don't want New Orleans to feel like they had a bad name for their team. So we'll just keep it.

That's why you're called the Grizzly. Anyways, he says the Grizzly is a dumb name for a team, team name for the town, but whatever. That being said, I still think the average Memphian knows that bears in fact don't give a fuck. I attached a map of where you can find bears in North America. Quick question for you. What is your best advice for someone from the Yankee North to go hunting? And have you ever been hunting? Did you get the chance to see the Grizzlies play yet?

Yes, I have already NBA action at all this year. Yeah, I saw them in the New Orleans pelicans and I've seen a home game of every team in the NBA now. Thanks for coming to Memphis. All the best and go fuck yourself. Have I ever been hunting? I went bow fish hunting in New Orleans a long time ago with this actor that was really into hunting and he took me and we got in this fucking truck, drove out to the bayou, stopped at a gas station, bought a fishing license. The next thing you know, it's nighttime in the middle of fucking August and I'm out on the bayou with this guy

and these real deal Cajun guys who had flashlights and they were pointing at the fish with shallow water and they were just pointing at the fish, they'd see a fish and they'd just go right down, right down, right down, right down. I feel like I just told this story in the podcast, so I did do that. And I liked it until I realized we weren't going to be eating the fish and then I stopped. I was like, I don't want to be just out here killing shit to be killing the shit. But I have never gone out and hunted for anything, but I could do it if I had to. If I was fucking starving, I could shoot a fucking deer right in the head and I'd do it right in front of its little fucking kid. You know, I'd shoot the kid too though.

You know, I'd take out the whole family as a fucking deer serial killer. I don't know how that, I don't know the rules of it. I don't know, but you know, the way they treat chickens and cows and pigs and all that type of shit is bad as much shit as people give hunters if they're going to eat all the meat and the fact that the thing actually lived a life out there where it was free. I don't think it's that bad, right? I do, I do, I don't understand killing bears though. What the reason for that is, or if there is like a population problem, but it is kind of funny as human beings to say that there is a population problem when there's no, for whatever reason, population problem with us.

I always use that antidote, that's like the fucking, you know, the person who can see cheating on the other team but doesn't see it on their own team when it's literally, could be literally the exact same infraction and, you know, it just doesn't make any, it just doesn't register. All right, so that's it. All I know is bears are fucking terrifying. I saw this, there's a YouTube video of this fucking idiot, he walks up to like a black bear. And I guess black bears are kind of like afraid of human beings. They're not as big, but it's still a goddamn bear. And Russell Wilson is literally taking it upon himself right now to just fucking get this team to come down the field. One minute, 121 to go in the third quarter, in case you're trying to sync up this podcast.

So he's telling this bear to get the fuck out of there, right? And the bear is actually complying and it's walking away, but because this douche is videoing himself, I think he wants to seem like a badass. And for whatever reason, he walks up behind the bear. You can't see it, but evidently he kicked the bear. And the bear turns around, pauses for a second before like, it's like it's debating. Like, am I, am I going to fucking just walk away from this and have to carry the fact that I let touchdown Seattle? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Sneaking back in it, sneaking back in it.

Now, do you go for two here to get yourself within 10? I love this. Like, you don't have any faith in your fucking offense. Just take whatever fucking points you can get here. You watch. They're going to go for fucking two points here. And everybody's going to be like, I agree with this. I agree with this. Because, you know, why take, why fucking be 11 points down, you know, when you can actually be 12 points down? Oh, they're going to kick it. All right. Thank God. Okay. Great. Fantastic. Um, okay. So this fucking bear turns around and then as somebody mentions in the comment, it starts growling. It sounded like a fucking dirt bike.

And then this guy's, all this guy's right now, he's backing up and this fucking thing to the, you know, every one of their paws could be Freddie Kruger's fucking glove comes running at this guy. And the phone goes flying out of his hands. You hear the struggle. And when the guy gets up, he's got the destiny to be like that fucking thing bit my hand. It's like, bit your hand. You're lucky. It didn't fucking eat you from the inside out was just screaming in agony. What kind of a fucking jerk off? First of all, to be in the fucking woods, the bear has more right to be there than you do. Considering a bear can't go to the mall, right? You shouldn't be able to go out in the goddamn fucking woods. Am I nuts? I mean, that's that you're now playing in a way game. You're in his fucking stadium and you're telling that thing to get the fuck out of there. And you're booting it in the ass like it showed up uninvited to your Super Bowl party and then you have the decency to bring a fucking six pack.

This fucking idiot goes up and he kicks him right in his furry ass. And I got to tell you something. I thought that the bear showed a lot of restraint. Like Isaiah Thomas, when he went into the crowd, showed a lot of restraint should have punched that dude right in his fucking mouth. And then that good could have used his fucking slurpee, whatever the hell he wanted to win, you know, the ice to that to make his lip go back down. Anyway, I'll post that video. Anger franchise. Dear Billy Balderdash. On the last Monday morning podcast, 1-6-20. That was not the last one. It was a while ago.

Oh, wait, was it? No, maybe it was. You're right. It was. For some reason, I thought it was later in the month. You talked about how you made no progress in the resolving your anger issue based on your blow up at the reasonably angering Apple Store. I don't pretend to be someone who has dealt with anger issues to your extent, but my brother very much has parentheses, though he's more the bottling up type. That's amazing that you guys are in the same family and one person has a temper and somebody else doesn't. And anyways, person goes on to say, and due to the years of observing and trying to help him get through his issues, I feel qualified to tell you that you shouldn't base your progress off of one incident. Instead, look at the bigger picture exclamation point. Well, I am looking at the bigger picture, sir. That was just the story I told you. The bigger picture is too sad to look at.

Anyways, one, you don't blow up nearly as often as you used to as far as I can tell. All right. You acknowledge your behavior almost immediately being self aware like that is a bigger step than most give credit for. Okay, I like this as far as this makes me feel better. Apple does suck and your theory about them making their products near obsolete within 18 months is spot on. Number four, the way you talk about everyday life on the podcast have become more and more positive every year. If you don't see slash hear it, go listen to one of your own your own throwback Thursday episode and listen to how far you've come just in the last eight years. Oh, look at that. I'm a better me. All right, 2817 Seattle's down by 11.

It's fucking the end of the third quarter here. Number 97 on the Packers is either explaining how somebody fucked up his dinner last night or what they need to be doing in the fourth quarter. And then he put too much fucking salt in it. All right, if I were to compare your pro your progression with anger issues to that of an NFL franchise, I like this. This guy knows his audience. I would call you the Kansas City Chiefs. What? I haven't fucking been ahead a good day in 50 years. Sure, you haven't won the Super Bowl during this timeframe, but you've been putting a great product on the field and no one is doubting that you are at the very least a Super Bowl contender. Thanks for putting out great content every week.

And you really help us all plow through the work week. Well, isn't that one of the most positive? Whatever emails I've ever gotten. Yeah, I need, I got a, well, is this thing, sir, before it was bad enough that my wife had to deal with it. And now I have a little beautiful kid. So I have to work on that. But like I said, what I like is my daughter is not afraid of me at all, which is a big change from the way I grew up where kids were afraid of their parents. Believe me, she does what I say.

Although I do have to say it two or three times because I joke with her so much that she kind of has to look at me like, it's just one of these things where you say, don't do it. And then I do it. And then you pretend to chase me around. And we have a great time. Or are you actually serious? So I am a little bit there. But like when I do flip out as I'm flipping out, she just goes, daddy, dad, dad, stop, stop. You know, you have to be nice to people.

I'm like, you're right, buddy, you're right. You're right. What am I doing? This makes no sense. Give me a hug. Go play something. All right. Jillian Michaels.

I remember her from The Biggest Loser, right? Bill, did you hear what Jillian Michaels said about Lizzo to be inappropriate? I don't know who Lizzo is. Is that a singer? Was that the person who was the musical guest when Eddie Murphy hosted SNL? I don't know. I'm a 42-year-old woman and I was overweight in my early 30s. My attitude towards being overweight was certainly informed by my own apathy and laziness before my health depended on losing 125 pounds.

I don't appreciate people making crude fat jokes, but also don't mind rhetoric, rhetoric, implying weight loss is more healthy than not. Much love from Chicago. All right. So was it something I said? Because I always make fun of the fatties. All right. Let's see what Jillian Michaels said. I look at you brought that up and now I got to fucking Google it here.

Jillian Michaels, Lizzo. Well, Jillian Michaels was also in the public eye and then she came out of the public eye. So maybe she wants to try to get back into it by doing the Madonna thing. And then Lizzo responds to Jillian Michaels body shaming comments. Bob Harper was asked about Jillian. Oh, so she bought it. Okay. Here we go.

Here we go. Oh boy. Oh boy. What did she say? Is it going to be anything worse than I've ever said? All right. Jillian Michaels comments on Lizzo's weight for the third time this week after backlash. She's doubling down, tripling down.

Don't go back to the room. It's a cold deck of cards and she keeps playing. All right. Jillian Michaels just reiterated her feelings about Lizzo's weight for the third time. Jillian said, there's nothing beautiful about clogged arteries in her latest statement. Yeah. She's right. I mean, at this point, she's going beyond political correctness and she's trying to save

somebody's life. That's probably how she's looking at it, but I'm sure that Lizzo knows this. The former biggest loser trainer has faced significant backlash for her comments earlier this week. Celebrity trainer. That's such a funny job named celebrity trainer. I only try to get famous people in shape. If you're a regular person driving a truck, you can die of a heart attack, motherfucker.

All right. Unless you got the money to pay me. All right. Jillian Michaels came on fire for her comments. Fat shaming singer Lizzo. All right. Here we go. All right.

Here we go. What did she say? Personal trainer. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. Oh, am I supposed to listen to this? All right. Jillian first mentioned her thoughts on Lizzo during an interview yesterday with Buzzfeed

AM to DM series while talking about celebrities who promote self acceptance. She brought up Lizzo and how she doesn't think it's right to glorify obesity. Why are we celebrating her body? Oh, Jesus. She both feet. She stuck both her fucking cross trainers right into that fucking pool. Wow. Why?

Jillian replied, why does it matter? Why does it matter? That's what I'm saying. Like, why aren't we celebrating her music? Because it's going to be awesome. Because it isn't going to be awesome if she gets diabetes. I'm just being honest. I love her music.

My kid loves her music. And there's never a moment when I'm like, I'm so glad she's overweight. Why do I even care? Why isn't my job to care about her weight? And there's nothing after that. Anyway, as I've stated repeatedly, we are all beautiful, worthy, equally deserving. I also feel strongly that we love ourselves enough to acknowledge that there are serious health consequences when it comes with obesity.

Heart disease, diabetes, cancers, to name only a few, she wrote. I never wish these for anyone. And I would hope we prioritize our health because we love ourselves and our bodies. All right. Well, you know, she kind of, you know, that's one of those kitchen table statements that you make publicly. And then it becomes like this big fucking thing. And in defense of her, people also went really far the other way to start saying that people

who were ticking time bombs were brave for being that way. There's got to be like a happy medium between what she said and then just, you know, building statues for people like that. But whatever, at the end of the day, it's their body. It's their business, you know, and if they want to have that bacon fucking double cheeseburger, then I would love to have every goddamn night, you know, and, you know, in one way they are living a dream. You know, his is the positive side of dying of obesity is you ate whatever the fuck you

wanted to, whenever you wanted to, you said, fuck it. You know, and in the end, if there is some place that you go after this, all right, which lasts for infinity, what is the big fucking deal that you only got 40 years and someone else got 80 years? If you ate all the fucking bacon double cheeseburgers and mint chocolate chip ice cream that you wanted, you know, there's different philosophies when it comes to life. So if somebody is saying like, listen, I know I'm a fat fuck, but, you know, I eat whatever I, everything I eat is all a mode and I'm having a fucking great time doing it.

You know, if they want to do that, you know, but I think if you're going to do that, you should purchase like some sort, you should widen your front door so people don't have to cut you out, you know, and wheel you down the street. You know, if you make that decision, you, I think this, you should have like a fucking like a greased up slide or something so they can get into the truck after you pass away because that'd be one thing like, you know, I have such a need to be like even after I'm dead, I'm like, well, I don't want my body to be a burden. I don't want to blow out somebody's fucking back as they try to pick me up off my fucking

air mattress. All right. Okay. So she could ask me, did you find what Jilly Michael said about Lizzo to be inappropriate? Listen, that's, I wouldn't know, but I must have at this point, I've made fun of so many fat people. I guess because I'm a fucking jackass comedian, I'm not a personal trainer. Seattle.

Seattle's coming back to life, their chest pumping. I don't know, man. I wouldn't, I always do it joking around. I mean, I'm serious and I want you to lose the weight and everything, but I would never want to single one person out specifically and hurt their feelings like that as much as I'm a fucking asshole, like I don't like, like I've told some jokes like three or four times in my life, I'd made somebody cry in the audience and I always felt bad afterwards. You know, and it's just like, that's not what I want to do.

There was one time I did it and someone was just being the overly sensitive white chick and then I was just like, I'll grow the fuck up. But then there's other times I just touched on subjects that people had, you know, had a personal connection to and like, uh, you know, I, I, I'm always going down there. I'm always going for the laugh and I have also, I've done a lot of body shaming, but I feel like I've done it in a positive way with it, which is what I think she's trying to do here to motivate, but you know, there's, there's, you know, it's, it's, it's you walking a little bit of a tightrope when you do that.

But I'd be honest with you, I've had a ton of former fat people come up to me saying I listened to your podcast and I got a laugh out of it. Like I, I swear to God, I body shamed myself like today I've been down south. So you know what it is? The notch on the belt is going to move over in the wrong direction. So today when I put the, the belt on, it wasn't, you know, and I could have gone for the comfort and I didn't, I said, no, you're going to fucking feel the pain of your stupid decisions. And I fucking had it tight and was digging into my fucking waist and you know what?

I went out and I got a salad. So um, you know, and when I stand in the mirror and I don't have a shirt and I got to look at you, you fucking Pillsbury, fucking freckled dough boy, I trashed the shit out of myself and that works for me. So I guess you got to understand that that doesn't work for everybody, but um, I don't know, I think probably enough people are saying mean shit to her. I don't think you need to probably pile on, um, which I don't think she was doing it. It just, it just didn't come out right.

Right. I think everybody should get over it considering we're, we're thinking about starting a fourth war while we're still fighting three others. Um, it's probably bigger things to talk about. I guess I don't know, probably could pick my words a little careful. What do you mean bigger? Huh? The fuck is that?

All right. Broke. All right. You were, you were right. Uh, dear Billy Brown, okay. Brown University did a study about the cost of war and mapped out the debt the U S has accrued since 9 11, uh, a couple, a couple big takeaways, the amount of interest the U S pays back on the annual basis went from 232 billion to 532 billion in 20 years.

Jesus Christ. And knowing how interest works, it's not just 2.5 times the debt, two and a half times the debt. Uh, that's two and a half times the interest, which compounds to trillions on a payment schedule if there is one. If no more debt is accrued, the U S would have its war debt paid off by 2050 with an estimate of 6.1 trillion spent in interest. The debt isn't just owed to banks.

34% is owned to private investors. Private investors are making money off of this shit. Gee, there's a world. It's just an evil place. Who loans money to fucking killing regular people and babies? It's just fucking beyond me. I, I, I, I, I don't understand how war is still legal in 20 is advanced as we are as human beings that you can still involve this.

Hey, we're going to kill more of your people than you can kill of ours. Uh, and then you're going to give up is just the, there's got to be another fucking way to resolve this bullshit. Um, I, I maintain that you need to give the sun to oil companies and banks and let them own that shit. So cause they're always going to own the energy and they're always going to own us. Right. So give them the clean one.

As long as they're making the same amount of fucking money, you know, I guess, you know, we can get out of our interests in all of these fucking people's natural resources around the fucking world. Corporations in first world countries, I'm not just picking on us just all around the world. The idea that, that the natural resources around the world are theirs is, uh, incredibly short-sighted and it's leading to just craziness, which is why I watch football, um, in sports. Uh, I can't even read the rest of this shit, but if I'll have the, okay, 34% is owned to

private banks, 29% to foreign and international investors, investors, I invest in war. Only 11% of it is owned to the federal reserve. Uh, this exposes the fact that just controlling the money system isn't enough. Uh, there's much more. That's interesting point. Uh, there's much more money to be made lending during wartime. Next time someone makes fun of you for bringing the cost of these perpetual wars sanctioned by both Democrat and Republican administrators.

Yes, sir. Of course we know that you saw when Trump tried to pull the troops out of Syria. All of a sudden, all those liberal lefties were right there with the people on the right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are we doing? It's not bite the hand that feeds, uh, let them know that the reason they're not angry about it too is because it's a very complicated issue. And if they were educated on it, they'd be disturbed as well.

Well, I'm not educated on it. I was just fucking, you know what, uh, I'll retweet this fucking link here. It says Watson brown, uh, cost of war, 2020, uh, I think if you Google that, you can find it and read it instead of doing whatever fucking job you're supposed to be doing in the cubicle there. All right. Need advice. Boyfriend's boyfriend fucked up his first impression with what your parents or with

you, if it's with you, then just, you know, move on. All right. Dear Billy drummer boy. I'm a relatively new listener of the podcast, but I absolutely love it and your specials are actually a topic with which I hit it off with my boyfriend. It was not great going to binge listen to this whole to this while studying and cleaning the dorm. All right.

I'm a 23 year old black girl in college in blank, blank, blank, blank. I'm not going to say where you live. I found my boyfriend at, at the university. We've been together for five months and I fell for him because of his jokes. Although you don't see it immediately. He had a very sheltered upbringing in a rich white neighborhood gated community. Wow. It didn't really have much interaction with black people.

I didn't really care as he was funny and caring and his lack of social sensitivity was quite refreshing. Looking back, these should have been red flags, but I digress. It depends on what sort of social sensitivity he doesn't have. Okay. All right. Okay. All right.

So I'm trying to think about what that means. Was it refreshing to you that it was just a white person being totally unfiltered and honest? So at least you knew where he stood or was this the tip of the iceberg? Oh boy. For some reason, I think he's going to buy you a Trump hat by the end of this. Anyway, so the problem came when I introduced him to my parents. He started off by trying to claim he liked Bill Cosby and Dave Chappelle.

Oh boy. Look at these black people. I like being in, she writes parentheses, big lie and was desperately, desperately trying to find a topic for my dad. Oh man. Oh God. How awkward was that? That should be in a comedy.

I offered that he should talk about the 49ers. My father is a fan. I don't know much. Please don't hate me. Bill. I'm not my boyfriend. Then loudly proclaimed that the 49ers suck and yada, yada. I give him a, what the fuck are you doing?

Look, while my father gives him a small smile on while his eyes are full of ice and giving me the side. I already judging my taste in men. Oh Jesus. To finish the evening off at dinner, he tried to impress me with some jokes and because of that, my parents, that somehow that's the end of the sentence to finish the evening off at dinner. He tried to impress me with some jokes and because of that, my parents, I think you edited

something here. He started joking and it was working until he started to rant about the neighborhood we live in. The hippies, the dirtiness, Berkeley being Berkeley, my parents are partial to the neighborhood and their faces went to stone. During this whole time I was trying to stop him with new topics, looks and even and under the table kick at the end. He just plowed through all of it.

Oh my God, this is hilarious. After dinner, my father stood up and calmly said to my boyfriend that he should go back home and that he wasn't welcome to stay the night. Oh boy. Okay. That's a wrap. Dad then turned to me and just said that I should be, I, he said, he said, I shouldn't be with such an idiot, which after that horrific dinner, I couldn't even rebuke.

Did he say that in front of your boyfriend? Wow. First down Seattle, Seattle's driving sneaky Pete. They might pull it off when one of the packers is down in the field with 1030 to go. Oh Jesus Christ. I'm telling you, I thought, I thought, we'll see, we'll see. That's a long, long, long, long time left. Anyways, after that, my dad stood up.

Okay. He said, he said it calmly too. Wow. Okay. It's now been two weeks and I'm trying to get my parents to give him a second chance. Why? Relationships are so difficult. You don't, don't, don't do this.

Anyways, but I obviously realized that it's also my fault for not giving him the prep work. He obviously needed. No, you, what do you gotta, what for him to pretend to be somebody else? But I just didn't expect it to go so bad so fast. Do I continue to give them more time or should I dump him and find someone with better social skills? I just don't know if it's worth my time and efforts to fix this mess.

Thanks and go fuck yourself. Listen, listen, okay. This is something you need to learn as soon as fucking possible. Okay. You're not going to change somebody. The fact that you had, you had to make that much effort. When you find the person that you're supposed to be with, when you're hanging out together, it's effortless.

It fits together like a fucking puzzle. If you bring somebody home, okay, it'd be one thing if when you guys were hanging out, it was effortless and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You already, you already said that, you know, you kind of were saying that when you were with him, that he was funny and not carrying lack of social sensitivity, that there should have been some like fucking red flags. Maybe you're just talking about your parents, but no, no. Relationships are hard enough.

You don't need this extra fucking bullshit. Okay. And one of the things that's going to be a really a fucking weight around your neck is if your parents just don't like who the fuck you're with. Your parents are going to be in your life for the rest of their life. Okay. You don't need this bullshit. This guy's a fucking idiot.

And I don't, I don't know what, okay, whatever. You're at Berkeley. You're trying to find yourself. You're fucking dating all over the map by all means. Have a great time. Figure out what the fuck, but like, um, you should be going home with somebody thinking like, I, I, you know, this is the person. I love this person and like Marshawn Lynch touchdown, Marshawn Lynch touchdown.

Here we go. Look at P carol. Woo. Did he just give somebody the finger? Did he say two points? Did he say one? I don't know what the fuck just happened there. Um, anyway, um, yeah, I w I would dump his ass.

I dump his ass. What are you doing? The guy grew up in a fucking gated community. I mean, Jesus Christ. All right. I mean, if you're into that type of thing, I guess if you find that fucking charming, but like the first look at P. Yeah, baby.

Fuck yeah. Woo. Chew it is fucking gum. He's raising the roof. Yeah. Yeah. Five fucking P. Carol.

I'm telling you. Oh my God. Oh, they're going for two here. There's 10 minutes left. I don't understand this. I don't understand this. And if they don't get it, then the crowd has something to cheer about and he gets fucking sacked.

Great. Now, now, rather than the crowd being like, oh fuck, they're coming back, they get a positive out of this. This is so fucking. What do I know? Look at the look on P. Carol's face. What the fuck did I do that?

You know why? Because you're fucking P. Carol. This is fucking Christ. Just kick the fucking ball and take the goddamn points. Can somebody go back and listen to John Madden? Take the points. There's 10 minutes left.

What do you think? You're never going to get down there again. So you're going to have to kick a fucking field goal. You're going to have at least two to three more possessions. So they're all fucking high five in each other right now and the Packers line on their sideline. You just scored a touchdown. You had your foot on their fucking neck and then you gave them a slice of birthday cake

and you helped them up off the fucking turf. I don't understand it. Whatever. I'm old. Yeah. I would break up with them. I would break up with them. I mean, I don't know what your fucking relationship.

I mean, I'd have to know. You know, listen, I'm a fucking idiot and I say a bunch of crazy shit, but my wife when I met her parents, she was not kicking me under the table. You know what? I went over there and I was just, I was being cool. I was in somebody's house. I was being a fucking gentleman. That's how you meet somebody's parents.

You don't go over there and fucking put on your ass hat and start running your fucking hat and you're kicking him under the table and he's still not listening. Okay. This decision is yours. Do you want to put that level of effort in if you're going to go into racial? It's already going to be more fucking effort. Just people looking at you when you're walking down the street. I'm letting you know that from obviously fucking experience.

After a while, you don't give a fuck, right? But I'm okay. All right. That's it. All right. That's the podcast. Does sneaky Pete fucking pull it off? I think he might.

I think he might. All right. That's the podcast. All right. I'm going to go fuck yourselves. Although maybe he doesn't because they just, they didn't, they didn't kick that fucking extra point there. And look at, look at the Packers are all excited.

What are we going to do here? All right. He's hiking the ball, Aaron Rodgers, the, well, he knocked the ball down. Jesus Christ. What do I know? I don't know shit. All right. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday. Let's go Tigers. Can't say that. They're both Tigers. Let's go LSU. Bye.