Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-19

Episode Date: January 15, 2019

Bill rambles about German Saunas, NFL Playoffs, and the Cunt of Warsaw.

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How's it going? I know I'm late I know I'm fucking late Like your girlfriend after prom night Oh Jesus! Sorry for the bad joke There's going to be a lot of bad jokes on this This is old Billy Jetlag, alright? You know, remember Buddy Love and fucking the Nutty Professor?

You know, he was a cooler version of him I'm not cool on any level, so it just becomes worse versions of me And today, you're going to be listening to Old Billy Jetlag It's 5.41 in the morning And I've been up for the last two hours You know, I don't know I'm on, yeah, I'm back in LA I'm going, going, back, back to Billy, Billy

I'm old American Billy again And I'm so glad to be back in a country that likes Donald Trump You know, it's about time And I know there's a few Hollywood people out here that are trying to make it seem Like there's a bunch of people out there that don't care for Donald Trump And it's just simply not the case The guy has the highest approval rating of any president ever There's a higher approval rating than dictators where people are afraid to say they don't like him

This is all true stuff You know what's funny is he will quote this podcast as a fact to say that shit about himself Alright, I thought I could do my podcast with my mouthguard in I can't do it, hang on a second, hang on a second Alright, I'm back I know you guys are thinking like Jesus Christ, Bill, you're 50 years old, you still have a mouthguard You're still wearing a fucking retina? Huh? What are you going to your sophomore semi-formal next week?

No, I got that Invisalign and I'm actually a, I listen to what the dentist says Which is, you know, all these people get Invisalign, they go through all the fucking The pain in the ass shit of having this stuff And then when the second they're done, they give them the mouthguard and they don't wear it And then their teeth gradually just become crooked again Not me Looks not me I'm smarter than that

I pay for this shit You know, that's like getting your car fixed and you go on your fucking side swipe a tree Why would you do that? You know, you may not have a lot of things in life, but if you could have nice straight teeth That gets you through a lot of stuff Cops literally show up You know, why did you beat that woman? I didn't beat her

Oh, look at his big shiny teeth Hey sweetheart, what were you wearing that made him do that? That's what happens That's how you get out of it Um, anyways, I'm very, very happy to come back My, oh my god, my daughter gave me like four of the greatest hugs I've ever gotten in my life When I got home, it was awesome And it's so weird, you know, when they're that little, they hug you But then immediately I want to go run and go do something else

You know, and you're like, ah, she doesn't even care And then she kept coming back hugging me before she'd go run back over to a toy It was pretty, it was pretty awesome We finished the tour strong Um, I don't even know what the hell last day I talked to you where the hell I was I don't know, I want to say I was on my way to Poland, was it Warsaw, Berlin? Yeah, Prague, and then Vienna And all of them were just, they were amazing

Warsaw, we went there, and I actually talked to Verzi, Verzi has a Patreon page As do I, and I did a little quick half hour podcast with him The only, one of the only cunts that we met on this trip was in Warsaw at our hotel Was a place that kind of looked like a restaurant, kind of looked like a cafe And we went in there and we were immediately told by the waiter that it was a chocolate factory He kept saying that, like we were looking, we wanted to get something to eat And they had all this chocolate shit there, but they also had sandwiches and stuff like that So Verzi says to him, he goes like, hey, so what would you say is your, what would you recommend?

What's the best thing on? And he goes, what did he say? He said, chocolate to make it easy If I could, if I could sum it up, chocolate Like, all right, we want some sandwiches, is this a good sandwich? He's like, yeah, yeah, it's good, it's good, it's being like that, right? Then he just kept having a fucking comment on everything that we were going to do after we ate He goes, you want something else? You want something else? And I go, all right, you know, maybe I'll get a hot chocolate or something Then he'd be like, you sure you have room?

It's like, well, if you don't think I'm too full after what the fuck I ate, why would you ask me? Your fucking skinny cunt, he was such a fucking cunt, he was such a cunt So then I go up there, I said, you know, I'll get some hot chocolate And he goes, well, which one? We have all kinds We were a chocolate factory It's like, dude, you're not a factory, you're not making the chocolate here, you stupid skinny cunt You know why I'm this upset about it? Because I kept thinking like, oh, I'm being the ugly American, maybe I should be even nicer to this guy

And the nicer I was, the more of a cunt he was And then in the end, you know, he was such a cunt, Verzi got mad Verzi never gets mad, I'll get mad at fucking that fucking goddamn peacock For some reason, popped in my head first, was trying to think pigeon Oh my god, that guy is a temper, he got mad at a peacock Even Verzi was upset by the end, and then when I saw him getting upset, I realized how ridiculous was that I was getting upset I just said, Paul, he works in a chocolate factory We're gonna go tell jokes in a fucking basketball arena in Warsaw

And so then we both laughed and we were like, all right, buddy, take it easy, you know Now I gotta tell you, though, the hot chocolate was the shit They came over with a little trio of them One of them, one of the hot chocolates was white It's like white chocolate, you know, which was, you know, should have been my nickname when I played basketball, but I wasn't good So that kid from Sacramento got it Then there was another one, it was just chocolate chocolate, and then it was coffee chocolate And I fucking hate coffee, so I gave that to Paul

The white chocolate was fucking bananas, so the guy comes over and I'm still trying to be friendly And I go, oh, the hot chocolate was delicious, and he's like, really? And I was like, yeah, this one here, and I pointed to the white one, that was fucking amazing, right? I didn't say amazing, fucking amazing, I said it was amazing And he goes, oh, he must have a sweet tooth I was like, okay, all right You know, he was like so skinny, you could have beaten him with his own body, you know what I mean? He was like a night stick with a fucking head

If there's a chocolate fact, oh, then Verzi went up to after his, because he had, you know, a burger, whatever the fuck he had So can I get a piece of chocolate? And the guy's like, yes, you just want one, you're going to eat it so fast And Verzi's like, I just want one! You know, they're all over there, they're from World War II, they have like the butcher a Baghdad or some shit like that, which is the Middle East You know, we were joking, he was the cunt of Warsaw But as cunty as he was, and as frustrated as I was that I couldn't find a little Polish flag, you know, that's what I do when I go on the road I find those things that back in the day people would sew into like a jacket, I'm not doing that, I'm going to frame them

I got to have some sort of framework and open and close it where, you know, because it's a work in progress Where I'm going to go and I just want to keep adding to it And I couldn't get the Polish flag because I took a picture of the collage of them and put it on Instagram A lot of people gave me shit because I didn't have the Polish flag or the German flag I already have a German flag, I'd already been to Cologne before That's why I didn't have that and I didn't have the Polish flag because I simply could not find a place, a souvenir place In the time allotted, I went down into the subway on the ground And they literally had a Polish flag and they had magnets and shit, but they didn't have the other one

So I'm just going to order one off the internet Today, today, today, today, today So anyways, then we went out and did the show and it was in like this fucking basketball arena And it was fucking unbelievable The tour was great, but somewhere in Latvia and then Budapest, it just went to another level And then the rest of the tour, I was in Budapest on stage going like, I think I would shoot a special here And when I went to Warsaw, we were in this little basketball arena type thing And they had a stool and the seat was all fucked up and I just started making fun of it

Going, come on Warsaw, come on, you can do better than that And they had a great sense of humor about themselves I just, you know, I don't know, it was just one of those things I ripped on the stool and just went from there Then I went to Berlin, did a little shopping for the ladies in my life, you know, tried to find them some sneakers and shit And it was incredible, you went there and they had like this whole, sort of like the 5th Avenue of Berlin And in the middle of all that, I should post a picture, they had this beautiful church that was built before the time of World War II And it was all bombed out, like one of the spires was busted off the top of it And it was like bullet holes and everything in it, and they kept it, turned it into a store or something like that

But it was a reminder of World War II, and right next to it was this ultra-modern building that they were making It was really, really interesting, and I would like to go back there again soon And the next time I do Germany and I go into Warsaw, as I mentioned before, I never wanted to go to Auschwitz or anything like that But now, I kind of went down this rabbit hole and I was looking up all of that stuff And as much as you don't want to go there to see that level of fucking evil, it's kind of a good thing to be reminded That, you know, an entire nation of people can be talked into some shit like that Another thing that blew my mind was when we were in Nuremberg And I don't want to make Germany yet, this is all that it is, because the food was fucking great, the people were great

But there is that fascination, so they have a field there, Zeppelin Field, I believe it's called And it's not lead Zeppelin, like literally the guy who invented the Zeppelin I think landed there And that's where they had those giant Nazi fucking rallies, way back in the day, and that place still exists They've taken down all the pillars, but you can just walk in there and literally stand where Hitler and all those fucking lunatics stood And, I don't know, I don't know what the fuck it is over there It's like the beaches of Normandy, you just go there, it's just a beach But it's a really like fucking emotional thing when you go there, like Jesus Christ And then you see, like, what was stopped, how great that is

But now you see where the fuck that we've ended up, and it's just really, you know, human beings You know, we're kind of like the Jaguar, or the Jaguar, how ever you say it, a mid-80s Jaguar You know, it's a great fucking car, you know, it's beautiful and all of that, but it fucking breaks down all the time It always needs to be fixed And when I was teasing him over in Germany about that shit, I was quick to tell them that my country has done everything that you guys have done But we just fucking, it just wasn't filmed, you know what I'm saying? Which is weird, because when I go over to Germany and shit, I was talking about this, how I sit there and think like, oh my god, this is like, you know, Hitler gave a speech here And there was a concentration camp over there, but when, you know, I'm down south, I don't think when I'm at a waffle house that maybe this used to be a plantation

And someone got fucking beaten to death there, or they were running away from their slave man, I never think of that shit Or this is where Native Americans were, and they were just sort of hanging out, we fucking came in and murdered all of them Oh, isn't this a fun podcast? So anyways, after Berlin, we then went down to the Czech Republic and I performed in this theater that was basically where they would have all the communist rallies, you know And communism is yet another thing that gets a bad rap, communism gets a bad, it doesn't work, it doesn't work, it's like none of them work None of them work, because they work in theory, in theory, hey man, everybody has the same stuff, man, and everybody lives communally That works if everybody buys in, but they don't, because there's always cunts at the top that want fucking more And then there's also people who think, well, you know, if there's no reward for fucking working harder than somebody else, I'm just gonna coast

Cunts, right? And then you have capitalism, hey, where was the fucking best fucking ba-ba-ba-ba, they're gonna fucking, that's not how it works It's not how it works Where was the best whatever will now be absorbed by a corporation or crushed is how it works And I don't know, if you think it's fucking working, you're not paying attention to our bottom line right now Every country is bankrupt and has been bankrupt since fucking 2008, as far as I can tell, and everybody's just ignoring it I mean, Jesus Christ, Clemson won the national championship, they go to the White House, and they got fucking Domino's and Wendy's And everybody's blaming Donald Trump, like what kind of a fucking asshole does that, and they're blaming the shutdown, it's like Guys, we are bankrupt, okay? This is what poor people eat, they eat fast food

Alright? I'm sorry that's a wake-up call to where the fuck we're at right now But we are fucking bankrupt, and I don't agree with a lot of shit that Trump's doing, but if that guy can somehow get us out of these fucking wars So we can begin to try and figure out how to pay him back I mean, I don't know, yeah, I know what the fuck we're doing over there Everybody knows what the fuck we're doing over there, then everybody knows what we're saying that we're doing over there And it's two completely fucking different things Anyways, I don't want to get on a whole fucking thing here, because I don't pay attention to enough of it, but it seems to me that we spent a trillion dollars to stop 3500 fucking jerk-offs Is what we're doing now on a jungle gym that don't have a plane or a fucking boat

And we've gone bankrupt doing that, and like half a dozen corporations made a zillion dollars off of it And continued to try and keep us over there, because they also own media So no one is, hopefully people will begin to talk about this shit Because I know this doesn't sound patriotic, because now patriotism is just support the troops, I support the troops And if you don't support the troops, get the fuck out of the country And it's like, okay, I support the troops, but can I logically talk financially what the fuck we've done So that our kids, our kids kids, our kids kids kids kids kids all the way down the line won't still be paying for this fucking thing And you know what, I am open to discussion here, let's fucking open this up

We got the call, we got the fucking lines open Can somebody please explain to me financially how we're going to get out from underneath this I did feel good when I was in Germany that they were going to switch to renewable energy Which I think is the solution to Middle Eastern terrorism Because it seems all the oil money that they make off of oil is funneled through the mosque and then financed to these groups that we don't like That want to kill us, so if we stop buying their oil, they don't have any money And then they don't even have a jungle gym Is that, is that too, I'm sure that's too simple

But I do this a lot, I say ignorant shit and then people straighten me out So all I ask is that if you think I'm way off base and right now you're screaming at your fucking windshield Calm the fuck down and just explain to me how off base I am And I will listen, I can be swayed, I don't have confidence in my opinion I deliver it with confidence, but in the back of my book, my head there's always that voice being like, Bill you don't read, you don't read books All right, so we went to Prague and we performed at this place where I imagined Brezhnev or Gorbachev had spoke at And I got such a kick out of being in there as far as like all the shit talking that must have been done about the United States of America And I was sort of riffing, imitating them

Comrade, they are all fat over there, they are fat and they fucked their six sisters, all that shit And then I was there telling my dick jokes, but that crowd was fucking unbelievable And they just rolled with everything And I gotta be honest with you, I haven't felt that much, I haven't had that much fun on fucking stage in forever Because of what's going on with stand up comedy, I actually was able to get away I kept tagging all of my jokes going, and if I said that in America, my career would be over And they all laughed, they all laughed, you know, so once again as I stated in my last podcast, comedians, okay, we're, you know, we need to stick up for each other We don't need to be taking each other down about material

There's literally comedians going online, tweeting about people's material and saying maybe they shouldn't, everybody's, comedians are turning into Al Gore's wife You know, when she used to tack heavy metal, like I don't know what the fuck is going on, but for the love of God, shut up, use your head Cause you're chopping your own fucking head off, eventually that shit is, the water's gonna rise up around your ankles And eventually you're gonna drown in the bullshit that you're creating here, so anyways We were over there, had a great show, we found a cigar bar, smoked a wonderful partagas, partagas, however the fuck you say it, tomato, tomato And then we went back to the hotel room, we were like, can you imagine if the fucking Kansas City Colts game was on And they had this sports channel seven there over there, and we got it, and we fucking lost our minds And it like, you know, midnight over there, we were watching the second, third and fourth quarter

And we watched the second half, so we kind of missed all the scoring And I would say this, I will say this, the Patriots game and the Chiefs game, both of those defenses that you saw, the Patriots defense and the Chiefs defense Everybody's like, wow, what's going on, these guys really figured something out, what you were seeing there was two teams that were just totally out coaching the other team They had a game plan that worked and the other team could not adjust to it Alright, the Chiefs defense is not as good as it looked, the Patriots defense is not as good as it looked against the Colts That's what I took away from both of those fucking games, so I'm an old school guy, I know that the game is played a different way now You go for two point convergence with an entire fucking quarter left I know it's all about offense, but I still believe that defense wins Super Bowls, despite last year's Super Bowl

You know, if you really look at it, they only needed to make one defensive play, one big defensive play was made and that changed the game So, I don't know, I am definitely skeptical as to whether the Patriots or the Chiefs can win the Super Bowl with their defenses Having said that, I'm very excited for this matchup, the rematch and the Patriots have to go into Arrowhead After already beating the Kansas City Chiefs by the skin of our teeth, letting up 40-41 points, was it 44-40 or something like that? Even though we beat them last time, it was by no means impressive, defensively Which is why, when we beat the Chargers, somebody wrote, had this hilarious tweet where they said, poor Chargers, it's so difficult to find a quarterback that can beat Tom Brady And then they had a picture of Eli Manning when he first got drafted by the Chargers, holding up the jerseys And then of course, all these other fans, rather than getting the joke that the joke was making fun of the Chargers decision to get rid of Eli Manning, forget about Drew Brees

Someone wrote, um, and then showed a picture of Nick Foles, and it's like they weren't talking about the Eagles And that is something that does bug me though, as a Patriots fan, that people are trying to say, Nick Foles beat Tom Brady He didn't, he beat the fucking Patriots defense Alright? Because if you look them at the Patriots, you know, Brady vs. Foles, Brady only threw, I mean, Foles only threw for like 300-something yards Brady threw for over 500 fucking yards, and lost! Fucking ridiculous So, having said that, maybe the Patriots and the Chiefs, maybe one of them could win at the Super Bowl But my pick has been the fucking New Orleans Saints, which I was really nervous about when they were down 14-0 And I love Nick Foles, I fucking love that guy

That guy, he plays, you know, he's one of those, he's like, Eli, the bigger the game is, the better that guy plays And the bullshit way that that organization keeps putting him on the fucking bench Because they got so much money invested, I guess, in Carson Wentz, not saying that that guy's bad, because he did great, but You know, a lot of people would demand a trade or something like that, he just fucking sits there and is like, alright, when do you need me? And when you do, I'm going to go in and crush it, so, I don't know It was kind of funny though, watching Eagle fans all patting themselves on the back about how great they are Because they weren't sending death threats to that wide receiver who had the ball go through his hands, which is a great thing And it was impressive that they didn't do that, but they got a little ahead of themselves about how great they are

They kind of forget that they have a jail in their stadium They kind of forget that an entire row of Eagle fans thinks nothing of beating up a father who's there with his child because he has the different jersey on Or spitting on him or puking on him or throwing shit, just, you know, take it down a little bit Eagle fans are such assholes, they actually think they're good people for the simple fact that they didn't send a death threat You know what you guys sound like? You sound like feminists right now, the only thing you didn't do is call yourself brave He dropped the ball and we didn't send death threats, we're so brave, we're such, we're warriors Anyways, sorry to Eagle Nation, tough fucking loss I was loving what, even though you were going to fuck up my pick, I was loving what you guys were doing when it was 14 to nothing

And, you know, you're defending Super Bowl champions and I felt you weren't getting your respect the same way I can't say the Patriots deserve respect this year, I mean we've taken some brutal losses But it was, in the back of my head I was kind of hoping that the Patriots and Eagles would both make it to the Super Bowl again Just to shut all these fucking people up, but we shall see Alright, having said that, we have to go into Arrowhead Stadium, the loudest fans in the league They don't need a stadium that is architecturally designed to make them sound louder than they really are They are fucking loud as shit, they are so fucking sick of the Patriots They always beat us, you know, early in the season or give us a good game and every year it's like this is the year, it's gonna be over

I told you that guy I saw in, I was in that sports bar in New York City and that guy was just screaming This is, it's over, this is what it is now And he was losing his shit about wanting to beat the Patriots, he was a Chiefs fan And he just kept yelling sporadically and then it just became non-stop yelling until he was tapped on the shoulder Asked to go, he got up peacefully, put his coat on and continued to scream at the TV right out into public And I was just sitting there being like, wow man, that's how much people hate the Patriots And also, I've been there as, you know, when an old school Patriots fan, certainly a Red Sox fan And a Bruins fan when we couldn't beat the Canadians and all of that shit, so I kind of knew what that guy was going for

So, it's gonna be a weird game where I want to see the Patriots win, obviously But if the Chiefs go to the Super Bowl, that'll be really, really fucking cool I mean, they have not been there since fucking Super Bowl 4 everybody 67, 68, 69, 1970 64, Toss Power Trap, right, Hank Stram, way to fuck back then when they played the Vikings Super Bowl 4, what are we up to now? Super Bowl 50 something, I've even lost track and I'm a fucking nerd about this shit So, with that, oh, the Rams, the Rams beat the Cowboys, I missed that game

And then I missed the, I missed another game I forgot what the other, no, I think I saw both AFC games, I saw parts of three of four of them But now I am back, I'm back, but you know what's hilarious is I have a birthday party I have to go to for a very special person, my own daughter Coming up this week, so I'm going to be missing some of the playoffs because old daddy makes the I make a birthday cake from scratch every year, that's what I'm going to do I got to do that, you know, you got to do shit like that Anyways, alright, so I took a bunch of songs when I was over there in Europe

And, oh, I didn't even talk about the cities by the way, I didn't even talk about Vienna Then I go to Vienna and Vienna had like this incredible fucking theater And this club owner, two of the club owners, they were just the nicest people ever And they were feeding us like an Italian grandmother Like I even know what that is, the way Verzi always described it Just would not say no, just kept bringing out, you know, Vino Schnitzel and then all these desserts You know, I love how desserts over there is like a tray of cheese or like something sugary And it was just, it was unbelievable, I think I consumed like 3,000 calories

But it's European calories, so it's not like the poison over here So I woke up the next day being like, how am I not fatter? Oh, that's right, I got out from under my own food supply So I want to thank them to Prague, I gotta tell you, Prague and Budapest A lot of Americans sleep on those cities Absolutely gorgeous, like I would say even Prague is like the Paris of the Midwest of Europe As far as my little, you know, I didn't get to see too much of it, but just, you know, driving from the airport and looking at it It was like both of those cities were breathtaking and, alright, my stupid computer keeps shutting down here

Anyways, I watched the rest of Papillon II, the original one when I came back When I flew back, man, that was fucking incredible And then I watched this two-hour documentary, which I forget what it was called About the CrossFit Championships And it mainly focused on the women and stuff like that And you know what? Like I said earlier, where I could be wrong about our foreign policy I think I was wrong about CrossFit Watching what those people were able to do physically

But as an old man watching it, I'm just going like, I don't know how long these people's bodies are going to last Doing that, all of those fucking squats and all of that shit with your shoulders All I was thinking, knees and shoulders, knees and shoulders, you need those for the rest of your life However, I think stem cell research is going to get to the point where everyone's, you know, all their religious shit is going to go by the wayside To just have the fucking knees and shoulders of an 18-year-old when you're 60 I'm telling you right now, there is going to be some fucking jacked older people in the future I got a buddy of mine, he had a torn rotator cup And he got that shit injected in there and he doesn't even have scar tissue

It's fucking crazy Do I sound like a crazy person right now? I'm talking about foreign policy and fucking stem cell research This is old jet lag, Billy! He's all over the fucking map Alright, let me do a couple of reads and then I'm going to tell you what it was like to take a sauna in Germany Alright Okay, butcher box Oh, butcher box delivers healthy, 100%

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He went up there and tried to make peace with England And Winston Churchill was like, no, we're not making peace Go fuck yourself and arrest this cunt And then he spent the rest of his life in jail And then killed himself allegedly at 93 Where some people thought that he was strangled You know, there's always people, you know, whatever But anyways, one of the great quotes of all time

When Rudolph has got on a plane and flew up to Scotland In the middle of the war to try and make peace Hitler's quote about Rudolph Hess was That guy's insane I mean, that's just one of the greatest fucking quotes ever Adolf Hitler called somebody insane That goes back to when I first started in this business It was right around the time when my favorite drum is of all time

Stephen Adler got kicked out of Guns N' Roses And their thing was, yeah, he's doing too many drugs And every comic had the joke How much drugs are you doing that the other members of Guns N' Roses go? Yeah, we gotta get rid of this guy, he's partying too much That was, you know, that was the Guns N' Roses version Of when Hitler said Rudolph Hess was insane Alright, back to ButcherBox everybody

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You know what's funny, I got so sick of watching comedians Attacking other comedians on Twitter And people screaming about Trump that I found Somehow I found this place where you could like Maybe follow some different things on Twitter So I decided to go into the science world Like this will fascinate me, I have such a poor science background Let me fucking read up on this shit, right?

And all they did was talk about how we're destroying the environment And it was even more depressing than listening to fucking morons Yelling about politics And as I, on this politics, on this podcast Gave you my solution for solving the Middle East problems I mean, how hypocritical am I? So anyways, I went on there and I found out some snail Just the last one, they called them George

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I took a sauna when I was in Germany And evidently, I heard that they were naked They go into those saunas naked, and it's coed So I asked Verzi if he wanted to go down to the sauna He said yes, and then I texted him, he must have fell asleep So I said fuck it, I went down, I worked out Got a great workout in, and then I went to go into the sauna And there was nobody in there

And the old me, I liked the steam Now I really like the dry sauna, because you can get way hotter Joe Rogan converted me, right? So I go in there, and I went in there like an American I had my slippers on, I had my towel on and all that shit And then all of a sudden this dude comes walking And he has a towel on, and I'm like, oh thank god, thank god It's Berlin, okay, this is like their New York City

So everybody's going to act accordingly And then he just immediately takes his towel off And I'm like, what the fuck So then he lays, and then lays down And what he did was he put his outside leg The leg close to me, he put it up So he was sort of covering his junk Slashed, looked like he was getting ready to do

Recreate the Bert Reynolds playgirl centerfold Right? So anyways And I know this is going to be the fucking Photoshop So I'm sitting there like, what the fuck Alright, whatever, one naked dude who gives a shit And then all of a sudden another guy comes in This guy comes in, he doesn't even have his towel on

He's just holding his towel in front of his junk Then he goes and like, it was shaped like a horseshoe You know, like the old fucking Denver Bronco stadium Back in the day So I'm on one side of the horseshoe, I'm on like the visitor's side The first naked dude is on the fucking home side And then this naked guy comes in and he lays down The same way, same playgirl fucking thing

With the outside leg up He's sitting in the end zone seats Alright, and I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ So now I'm laughing because all I'm thinking is I'm going to tell a verse Because at this point it's just naked guys And just naked guys, it's just funny I used to do a bit of my acting Naked man is either funny or scary, right?

If you had a football game and a naked guy jumps out of the crowd And runs across the field, you're laughing your ass off If you're walking home late at night Then naked guy jumps out of the fucking bushes It's one of the scariest things ever And this was just funny I'm in a gym, there's all kinds of people around or whatever Even though it's just the three of us in there

But you know, I can just get up, walk out the fucking door There's no danger here, there's two naked guys It's fucking hilarious So I'm looking down at the floor And all I'm thinking about is I can't wait to tell Virgil this fucking story They're both laying here like fucking twin Bert Reynolds And I'm sitting here with my slippers on and my towel You know, I don't know

So anyways, and then all of a sudden the door opens again And now a woman comes walking in And I'm looking, I kind of look at the guys Like are they going to cover themselves up? And they don't And then she comes in and just takes her fucking towel off I'm just like, what the fuck? And then she sits down in the end zone seats

Right? So above her in the upper deck is this naked guy To her left is the other naked guy She's naked And now she looks over at me and I got a towel on and slippers So now I'm looking like the weirdo Now I'm the fucking pervert Like look at this fucking guy

We're all getting naked while you're sitting over there, right? So now I'm like, well I got to get the fuck out of here And just as I said that the dude in the home seat He stands up and he's going to walk out And I'm like, all right, perfect Now he's going to use the shower I'm just going to wait until he's done with the shower Then I'm going to fucking walk out

So that's exactly what happens I walk out But when I walk out What I forgot to mention was They had like, you know those ice baths That like NFL players go to get into They had something like that But it wasn't ice

It was just like, it was a tank You climbed up like six steps And then climbed down into this thing And it was freezing fucking cold Right after the sauna, right? And just closes up all your pores It gets rid of all the fucking toxins And all the shit washes off of you

Granted everybody else is using it So it's probably fucking gross on some level I have no idea Maybe because it's so cold It kills the shit, I don't know what So I wanted to use it But there was no way I was going to use it Because I had to get up to the top of it

And take my towel off And be standing up there with my fucking man Who had twisted in the breeze Before I went down into the fucking arctic water But when I came out There was nobody there So I was like, I got to try it So I fucking scampered up the ladder

Quickly took my towel off And then went down into it I was like, fuck, it was freezing cold Went all the way up to like my neck And wanted to stay there for a minute But probably only stayed there for like 15 seconds It was enough for me But plus also, I knew other people were going to come in

I didn't want to come crawling out of there Completely naked Like fucking Jason Alexander now With my fucking junk all pulled up into me, right? So, the other dudes in the shower I can hear them So now I go to get out of this fucking thing I get my towel on and everything

And I feel fucking amazing To go from that heat to that cold Now I'm going to go into the shower It was fucking amazing So I get out of the shower Now all I want to do is tell Verzi the fucking story And be like, dude, even a chick came in This was fucking nuts

And I reach into my robe And I can't find my key to my locker And I'm like, where the fuck is it? Did I drop it? And I'm looking all around And last time I remembered having it I was holding it in my hand When I was in the sauna

Because I didn't want to leave it in the pocket of my robe For some reason I didn't see like the band That you could put it around your wrist I just didn't, you know, I'm an idiot And so I was just holding on to it And I suddenly realized that it was still in the fucking sauna So now I have to go back into the sauna So I go back in there

With my head down With my fucking slippers on And my towel on And I go back in there And the naked woman is now laying down Sideways Facing the door Okay

Laying down where I was sitting And I'm like, I can't go over there with my towel on Being like, hey, I'm just looking for my keys All right, sweetheart And I felt like a fucking weirdo So now I sat down She's sitting on the fucking visitor side Now I'm on the home side or whatever

I might have fucked up these things You know what I mean I'm sitting on the opposite side that I was sitting on And now I'm just sitting there going, all right Well, she's been in here for like 10 minutes She's gonna fucking leave soon And when she does, I'm gonna look for my keys And she just won't leave

She won't leave And then finally I just have to get up Because I'm dying Because this is my second trip in And finally when I say, I'm sorry I think I left my key over here And she's like, oh, I didn't see it And she's like, sitting up like fucking naked, right?

So now I go back over And I just fucking sit down No, I fucked up the story I'm sitting down there going, what the fuck do I do now? Because I'm dying of heat And then all of a sudden This couple comes walking in And then they both get naked

So now there's two naked women A naked dude And then me all covered up And at this point, now I feel like a fucking weirdo So I'm like, well, fuck it, I'm in Germany So now I take my towel off And I'm just sitting there Cracking up fucking laughing

Like, you know when you just look down And you just, you know, it's like I'm gonna laugh my ass off, but nobody's gonna know So you don't make a sound And you don't change your face You just have your mouth open And you just kind of go like I was literally doing that

While I was so fucking hot I could feel my heartbeat in my ears So at some point it just got so hot And she wasn't leaving And she was like a pro So I finally just got up And I just sort of had my towel cover myself I go, I'm sorry, I think I left my cue over here

And she goes, oh I did not see it The blah blah blah And I go, all right, so then I went back And I sat down, that's what I did That's what I sat down And then she got up And I was like still I go, it's gotta be underneath her or something

So I waited for her to leave I toughed it out And then I walk over there And I'm feeling around On the fucking seats and shit And it's just not there And they have the slats And I'm like it probably fell down in between it

Now I'm gonna have to walk out With just my towel and robe on Go back to the front desk Pay the fee and all of this shit So now I walk out of the sauna I'm fucking almost passing out And to my left in my peripheral I see that woman again naked

At the top of the fucking ladder To go into the ice bath I'm like Jesus fucking Christ I gotta get out of here, right? And as I'm walking away You know, I eat 90 slices I hear her yelling over to somebody And I'm like, I know she's not talking to me

And then she just goes Then she switches to English And she goes, did you find your key? And I kind of half turned But then look at her And I go, no, no, I didn't And then she goes, is this it? And I realized that's where I left it

When I scampered up the ladder to go there I left it at the top of the ice bath I go, oh yeah, it is And then she stays at the top of the ladder And just, you know, kind of hands it And I walk over and literally Her vagina is above me And I kind of reach up like looking

But not looking I just go, don't get shamed And I was so fucked up I didn't even take a shower I just walked out And I went to the locker room And I went in there And I was like pouring sweat

And everyone was looking at me like When fighting these shower off He's all red like the tomato Anyways, and then I just I put my shit back on And there you go That's my German sauna story But I have, I do have to tell you this though

If you're completely naked in a sauna It's even better It is even better It's fucking weird But you only can do it in a place If everybody's naked Then it isn't weird It isn't weird

And if you're worried That you're going to get a stiffy Because there's a naked woman in there There's also other naked men in there So it neutralizes it Not to mention it's hot as shit Like, I don't think anybody has ever Fucked in one of those hot naked

You know, not naked The hot yoga class What do they call it? The Bicram Yoga Like, you can barely survive Fucking somebody is the last thing On your mind When you're sitting in like a hundred and

Eighty degree heat But anyways, there's my That was my sauna story It was hilarious I was worried that my junk Was going to look too small When I got out of the ice bath And I was worried that

I was going to fucking salute the Germans When I was in the sauna You know, if a naked woman walked in But it didn't I just felt like a fucking creep So anyways, and that's why You travel the world everybody To get stories like that

Alright, anyways Alright, follow up Should girl have paid for dinner Now this became something on Reddit Where I was reading this thing Where this guy, the way I read it And the way I understood it Now granted, I was jet lag

Flying around Europe I thought he was saying That he took his girlfriend out For a birthday dinner with his parents And when the bill came She had to pay for her meal So she was upset about that And then now he invited to

Another family gathering And she made some flippant comment Asking if she'd have to pay For the gas to get there And I sided with her going through it You can't make somebody pay For their birthday meal So anyways, somebody on Reddit said

Billy got a little confused With that email about the birthday dinner The boyfriend's family Weren't expecting the girlfriend To pay for her own birthday dinner They were expecting her to pay For her own meal at his birthday dinner Oh, okay, the email said this

I think he was just a little bit too jet lagged Alright, well my mistake It's a little spoiled for her To get that dinner and instantly expect To go to that dinner And instantly expect her meal to be paid for I wouldn't really say I come from a family of means

But we're not broke And when I've gone out for dinner For my birthday My folks have always been happy to pay However, my partner never just assumed this It's rude to I agree with that But having said that

I would also pay I wouldn't make my girlfriend pay for the meal Even if you're secretly hoping Someone else pays for your meal When it's not a special occasion Celebrating something for you Just don't sit there and assume The text message asking

If she expected to pay for her own gas Is astounding in its level of rudeness too I don't think that that's rude Because I think that's her reacting To being upset that She was made to pay for her own meal Yeah, and then I actually see the boyfriend's point If that's how it was worded

I mean, I understand why she assumed That they would have taken care of both of them Because it was his birthday It was a special occasion And she's also a guest She's company You know what I mean? I understand that

That makes sense to me So I actually I still side with the woman on this one I kind of get it Like if my parents didn't pick up For my wife's meal I would have paid for it I don't know

Anyways, anyways It's not It's not remotely spoiled for the girl To assume that the meal was paid for I am on her side 100% I can't remember a single time Growing up where I was invited out to dinner With a friend's family

And I was expected to pay for my own meal Yeah, it's one of those things If you're going out as a couple Like two couples are going out Then you split it Anyways, now that I am an adult With kids of my own I would be incredibly embarrassed

To ask my son's girlfriend To pay for her own meal at his birthday I agree with that 100% The text message was passive aggressive But I think the meal thing And the boyfriend's reaction to it Was so egregious That I don't have a problem with it

I don't either I don't either I side with them too Anyways, another one I'm sorry, I'm supposed to say anyway I like saying anyways I use the ways app Why can't I say anyways?

I cannot believe anyone Doesn't have the same answer as you Ha ha, Jesus Christ Where did these animals grow up? I would die of embarrassment If I was at a restaurant With my family And my girlfriend

And my girlfriend And my dad asked her for money Yeah, I agree with you You know, I just think that maybe We're braver Maybe we're the warriors Social justice warriors Hey, you know what's great

About doing this podcast this early Is my daughter's not going to be up For like another hour So I get to hang all morning with her I bought her all these cool sneakers When I was over there She's like good until she's like Three or four years old

Because I got the size wrong The size I was told to get I thought she was that size now And turns out that that was You know, the next size up So I got two sizes and three sizes up But they're all cool sneakers Well, they are all cool sneakers that I got

When I was over in Germany Jet lag Hey, Billy, numb nuts Try valerian tea To help reset your sleep cycle While traveling It also helps take the edge off At the end of the day

When the whiskey blankie Is not an option B-L-A-N-K-Y Is not an option works for me I will definitely do that Because I'm 52 days in And not drinking And had I not done that thrash

I would actually look good People were taking pictures of me I was like I look fucking horrible Like just lack of sleep That's all we did for ten days straight Fly in, go to the hotel Go do a show or two Go back to the hotel

Sleep, try to go to sleep And then you'd have to get up at seven To take a train or something like that And the younger me I would have looked fresh as a daisy If I wasn't drinking But I was looking at those pictures I was like I might as well

Been doing fucking meth out here I will try that I actually got some melatonin When I was over there That everybody says is all natural I gotta tell you It makes you feel a little buzzed I don't know

I don't know about that shit But it definitely helped me go to sleep Fat fella speaking here Hello Mr. Benderover Benderover Bill I don't know what that means I am 19 years old Five seven on a good day

And 320 pounds Alright dude You gotta do something about that Thank God you got a young heart But you will not be five seven You know In your sixties At 320 pounds

And I'm not a doctor And I know this is a fact anyways I just wanted to ask you As a heavy fellow Who tries very hard To be kind and courteous To those around him How can I be better?

I purposely avoid planes And public transportation Because I understand how uncomfortable It must be for others To even be around me It is very difficult Because I have an irrational fear Of driving

And there are no taxi Or Uber services In my area I legitimately tried to keep to myself For example in a grocery store If I have to pass someone Who is shopping I apologize simply

Because I block half the aisle Most of the time Folks are very kind In short Mr. Burr How can I be better To other folks Who are less girthy Thank you for your time

What I got out of that sir Is I think that you need To come out of your shell And maybe go get some therapy And maybe part of your reason For eating And all of that type of stuff Is there seems to be

A little bit of self loathing Going on here And God knows I was the king Of that It just didn't manifest itself Into overeating It manifested itself Into other shit

That I'm still trying to work out But maybe if you start going To therapy You start reading up on nutrition And I gotta tell you dude If you're 5'7", 320 pounds Like I mean I would think That you'd be able to drop

A lot of weight If you just started eating right Because you obviously don't need All of that on you And then I think as you learn About yourself and therapy And as you start to drop weight You're gonna come out of your shell

Because you're not gonna have to Have those feelings that you're being You know You're just like a sensitive person The fact that you actually care Is you're an empathetic person And a lot of times people who are really empathetic Can get in their heads

And can get really like I just think you know I feel like that made me sad Reading that So I don't want you walking around Being sad You're in the prime of your life Like and what's great

Is the fact that you're 5'7", 320 pounds You have a great before picture Alright So you got that checked off your bucket list Now you can turn this whole fucking thing around And you're so young That you got your whole life ahead of you You can just turn that around

Find out I would literally go to therapy And just put it all out on the fucking table You know What you feel your problem is What you're afraid of What makes you cry and all of that shit And then I would just start

Literally marching towards getting in shape It'll help your fucking confidence And then what's great is Is when you become a good looking guy That's out there fucking slaying it And the ladies are loving you You know You've had the experience of being 5'7", 320

So you won't be a fucking asshole I remember one time I was on a plane A long, long, long fucking time Like 15 years ago And I was sitting next to this woman Who was a fucking knockout An absolute knockout And I sat down next to her

And she was just like Hey, how you doing? And I was like Good You know, women who look that good Aren't like that You know And it's not just because

They're stuck up It's because when they're that good looking If they even remotely make eye contact With another man They're now going to have to deal with them Hitting on them You know So she was totally open

Was so fucking cool And we were just shooting the shit She was talking to me like She was like a widget salesman Instead of like a fucking 10 And then in the end I finally had to say I gotta be honest with you

I've never been around a woman As good looking as you That was like this outgoing Had your personality Your personality is amazing And she laughs She goes, ah She goes, I used to be fat

So I'm sure you already got the personality So you know what you are? You're like a great barn find In like the automotive industry I'm not calling you a fucking cow I'm saying like you know When they go into barns They'll find this great old car

That they then restore And everybody fucking loves it So there you go Restore yourself, sir That's what I would do And I believe in you I think you can do it Just put your mind to it

But I think you just gotta figure out Why you're, you know Why you are the way you are Because I know just being courteous And empathetic isn't all who you are You got shit to say You got hopes You got dreams

You wanna find love So let's go Let's get after it Get your ass out there All right Girlfriend won't lose weight It's all about weight this week here Dear Billy, not so fat

Thank you I'll take that That's exactly what I am I'm not so fat But I definitely had a little too much Viennese yet So yeah My girlfriend and I have been dating

For three years Going on for And I'm starting to have Different feelings towards her Because of her eating habits And the way she takes care of herself Since I met her several years ago She kind of had a weight thing

That was noticeable You know what? I just fucking flaked reading this I gotta start over again I was just thinking how amazing it is That Joe Rogan has Mike Tyson On his podcast And I remember being on his podcast

Early on where it was just in his house And how far he's come with that podcast Is fucking amazing Sorry I don't know why I was thinking of that Anyways Dear Billy, not so fat My girlfriend and I have been dating

For three years Going on for And I'm starting to have Different feelings towards her Because of her eating habits And the way she takes care of herself Yeah That isn't fair to do to somebody

You know? And I think it's understood When the guy puts on weight Then if a woman comes on TV And was to talk about that type of stuff They would side with her For expressing herself But if a guy does it

You're a fucking asshole Anyway, since I met her several years That's your job, man You gotta keep yourself looking good You gotta keep the spark going 50% of that is your responsibility Since I met her several years ago She had kind of had a weight thing

That was noticeable But didn't think anything of it Because I thought she would get On some sort of kick Of wanting to lose some weight In the years to come I thought you were gonna say I didn't mind because she was only a little overweight

And I liked her as a person You're like, well, you know I'll get her on the treadmill We got some potential here What's funny is that's how women Look at men differently Alright, he's got this job Maybe you'll get to this job

We'll start making that kind of money I'll get him some new clothes I can work with this I can fix him up And there's nothing wrong with that You know? There's nothing wrong I used to when I was younger

Used to bother me That a woman asks a guy What he does for a living It's like, what is she supposed to do? Breed with a loser? Why don't you like me for who I am? You know, because I don't want to live in a shack Alright, well, it's been three and a half years

And there's no stopping her from losing weight She's 25 and I'm 30 And I don't know what to do She loves the sweets And is not a fan of running Because it hurts her feet Oh, boy Well, get her on an elliptical

Help Bill, help Bill I love her, but I don't want to spend My early 30s miserable in a relationship With someone who doesn't want to take care of herself Thanks and go fuck yourself I have to tell you something right now, dude You are in the most difficult fucking position You can possibly be in as a man

One of the hardest fucking conversations You can have with a girlfriend Other than I'm breaking up with you This is even harder Because if you're breaking up with them They're going to cry And then you're not going to see them again Eventually they're going to move on

You're going to try to stay in a relationship You're going to try to tell a woman That she needs to lose weight I got to be honest with you You know what? I'm going to bring the lovely Nia on my next podcast And we are going to revisit this question Because I don't know how to do this

Because, you know, I've been lucky enough That I've always been with women That, you know, they want to go out And get after it or whatever You know, hit the gym or whatever I don't know I wouldn't know how to do this Because this is something

This is so fucking fragile This is literally If you start talking about a woman's weight Is in the same world as if she started talking About your dick size Or your ability to satisfy her in the bed Because you're really talking now Like a woman, some of their biggest power

A ridiculous power a woman has Is her beauty, you know I know they're all out there right now Trying to act like they're going to start Their own fucking airline and all of that shit I'm not saying don't go do that But like, you know That is, if you're basically saying

That you're not attracted to them It's, you know, if my wife came at me And said, hey man, you're getting a little bit fat I would fucking laugh And it would so fucking motivate me And to the point I wish she would say it to me Because I want to tape a special soon But I got to go with self-motivation here

Of thinking of all the tweets I'm going to get If I'm a fat fuck on my special But yeah, this is a really difficult thing Don't have the conversation until Nia comes on And even after what Nia says I would also try to get advice from women in your life And you have to start it with I love my girlfriend, I love her to death

We just have a problem and I don't know how to bring it up Okay, if you do that The woman you're talking to will be more open minded I think to listen to you However, if you start with my girlfriend's fat And I'm not attracted to her They might get defensive and start defending her And say that you're shallow

That's certainly going to happen on the internet So whatever, good luck with that And I'll try to help you out on Thursday Thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend Okay, here we go Dear Billy, not so fat Look at this shit I got a couple of those, right?

Wait a second Oh, this is the same fucking person Dear, my girlfriend and I have been dating for three Wait, did I just... One is... Dude, this guy's brilliant Girlfriend won't lose weight And now thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend

It's from the exact same guy Dear Billy, not so fat My girlfriend and I have been dating for three years And going on foreign And starting to have different feelings towards The exact same fucking... Oh, this is fucking hilarious Wait a second, is it?

It has to be It's written a little bit different I'll still read it Since I met her several years ago She's kind of had a weight thing that was noticeable But I didn't think anything of it Because I thought she would get on some sort of kick Of wanting to lose some weight in the years to come

Well, it's been three and a half years There's no sign for her to lose weight She's 25, I'm 30, this exact same fucking guy All right Okay, dude That's fucking brilliant Fucking brilliant I would say this

You have to make the decision right now Do you love your girlfriend In a way that you want to stay with her Eventually marry her And help her through this problem Or did you sort of Sort of thought you found I'm going to marry you love

But just sort of found love, love And now that she's overweight And you're not as attracted to her Is that feeling starting to come up You know what I mean? Because that really is That's when you find out if you really love somebody Anybody can be around during the good times

Right? You're a man You're making a bunch of money You can take her to fucking, you know France or whatever You know She's a chick And she's fucking, you know

Going to CrossFit and crushing it And fucking looking hot That you ignore, you know But when shit hits the fan Okay And you have to be there for somebody emotionally Or you have to accept some of their flaws That's when you find out if you love, love somebody

You know what I mean? I'm not saying that you don't think about leaving Everybody thinks about leaving all fucking time Like, gee, I don't need this fucking shit You know, I fucking, she can fucking have everything And I'll fucking, yeah, yeah, yeah You know, I know I love my wife to death Is even in my fantasies

When I'm mad as I can possibly be at her Even in my fantasies I can't break up with her I get to the point where she starts walking out of the house And then I get sad and I run out and hug her So there you go So there's a good question for you In your fantasy, can you break up with somebody And you feel all right about it?

No, that isn't a good litmus test Because then I'm doing the arrogant thing That you're wired exactly the way that I am Anyways, anyway I am back from Europe I have to tell you, that was one of the greatest experiences I've ever had as somebody in this business The business of show

You know, trying to figure out those crowds Trying to remember how the vibe I had The last time I was over there And it took me a few shows of hit or misses To figure out to fine tune the thing Like a fucking race car And I watched Verzi do it too And I'm gonna call this right now

With Paul Verzi That fucking guy, after that set I saw him do it Gotham And then watching him Going over to Europe, nervous Saying to me, going, Bill I know I'm probably gonna take a couple of fucking hits over here No, you're not dude, you're gonna be fine Knowing that he was that kind of

Watching him figure it out To the point that by the time we went to Vienna The people booking it there were going We need to have you back We need to have you come back here I'm just really proud of him Because I always knew that he was gonna be able to do shit like that And his specials crushing it

And he's got a big tour coming up And I'm gonna lose him as an opener Which is what I want for anybody who ever opens for me You know what I mean? I never want to have a lifer opener You know, that's like having the kid that never moved out of your house It's like son, get out there, find love Alright, that is it

God bless all you, go fuck yourselves And I'll check in on you on Thursday Hey, oh by the way, I think I'm doing a podcast with that guy there I was telling you about That he comes across like an old school An old school sports announcer Like a dick-shap kind of guy Way back, you know, he'd be like the best

The best Patriots coverage in the business He actually DM'd me As I started following him There, William Bendison B-E-N-D-E-T-S-O-N Where the fuck are we gonna be? Oh, I told him sometime around January 15th I was gonna do it, what's today?

Today's the 14th, alright, I gotta reach out to this guy We're gonna do a podcast talking Patriots And I'll send out a link and all that type of stuff Hopefully, because this guy seems like he really knows the Patriots I don't, on the other hand I watch as much as I can watch with the travel and the kid Alright, anyways, go fuck yourselves I'll check in on you on Thursday, see ya