Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-15-18

Episode Date: January 15, 2018

Bill rambles about the Mall Of America, quarterback names and ex wives.

In the mountain, in the kitchen, even in the living, they really lie everywhere, the empty batteries. But now we go to the finish, bring them quickly to a Bebath Ensemble point. You will always find one in your neighborhood on Bebath.be Bebath! Together risk, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. What's going on? How are ya? How are you?

I'm in San Francisco. It's still Sunday. The second half has just begun. The Saints go marching in versus the Minnesota Vikings. The Saints was my pick this weekend. I loved Drew Brees going into Minnesota and fucking having everybody crying at the fucking Mall of America by the end of the game. And so far the Vikings are up 17-0. Although I think they just fucking went 3-0.

Old Case Keaton just got put down on his fucking Keaster. We'll see. You never know what's going to happen. I mean, look at the fucking Jaguars. The Jaguars just came right out, gave the Steelers the old right there, Fred. All of a sudden their running back twists his ankle, right? I don't feel, I can't put any weight on it, man, right? Then all of a sudden the Steelers come roaring fucking back. And I'm sitting there going, this game's over.

Pittsburgh Steelers, it's in Pittsburgh. This shit is over. No way, what the fuck's his name? Bryce Bortles? I can't, by the way, I can't keep up with these fucking names from the 90s. Okay, the Cases, the Bryce, the Boltons, the fucking, I don't know, you know. A lot of comics have done bits about it, but you know, back when it was like, you know, Bill Bob, fucking Steve, Joe. Greatest quarterback of all fucking time at one point was named Joe.

You know, Joe Naiman, Joe Montana, Joe Thysman, Joe. Fucking Blake Bortles. I, you know, whatever. I'm just, I'm an old, crabby fucking man. I guess the 90s, it was really big to name your kid after a C-name, considering all the quarterbacks, right? Kurt Carson, Case. It's like, did Roger Clemens fuck all these women?

Never, he did that. He had like fucking nine kids and he, Cody, Kyle, Kuntie, Chris, right? They were all Cays. They were all Cays. Yeah, why would you have them have their own identity? Let's fucking have their name be about your fucking career. What do you mean you want to be a veterinarian? Get the fuck out there, pick up a baseball and throw some hate.

Sorry, that was my impression of what it's like inside their household. Like, I have any idea, all right? I have nothing against the Clemens family. I love Roger Clemens. You know, fucking did some great things with the Red Sox before he went to Toronto. Well, we let him go, right? Then he fucking jumped on that poor police horse. Jesus Christ.

You know, that horse was wishing it was a fucking Clydesdale when he got on his goddamn back. I'm just in a bad mood because I'm in San Francisco, right? I fucking came here yesterday and no guy has even looked at me. No, I came here yesterday and it was sunny out. One of the rare, sunny, beautiful days. And San Francisco, when it is sunny out, when the weather is nice, can fuck with any city. I'll even say in North America, forget about the continental United States, including Alaska and Hawaii and some of our tributaries like fucking Puerto Rico there.

I'd say fucks with any city. Okay, however, on the usual cloudy rainy day, this place, there's a misery to this fucking place. It's cold, wet air blowing against you as you walk up yet another fucking hill, you know? Nothing is ever down a hill. It's always up a hill, around a corner to an even steeper hill, you know? And they still have all that mamas and poppers, you know? All the leaves are brown, hippy vibe going out here a little bit, even all the evil people from fucking Silicon Valley, which I still never know quite where that is.

It's somewhere down near like San Jose. I just don't know where it begins and where it ends. But Silicon to me and my level of intellect, the amount of books that I've read in life, Silicon to me is and will always be what's in fake titties. So, you know, I don't know what they're doing. I actually flew up here, rented a helicopter and flew up here with a couple people, had a great fucking time, picked up a couple of hours and we went by this giant building that was this huge circle. And I was like, what the fuck is that?

That looks like, I don't know, it looks like the Pentagon, if it was Groovy, man, right? I was like, what is that? And my buddy guessed, he goes, it's probably, maybe it's Apple. I never seen a building like it. It was just a total circle, then in the middle, there was like all of this, like it looked like a jungle in the middle. You know? And if you look down, you could see the employees screaming and waving, go and get me out of here. He's still alive.

Steve is still alive. I think that's what it said, but I was, you know, too busy focusing on not hitting somebody else while I was up there. Turns out it was the Apple building, very impressive. Very fucking impressive structure. And then we went right by Stanford and saw that stadium. My buddy was hitting me with trivia before we got there. He goes, I went to a game. I went to a Super Bowl.

He claimed it was the only Super Bowl ever played at a college stadium or something like that, which isn't true, because they played a bunch at the Rose Bowl and also at Tulane. Maybe he said the last one played at a college stadium. Was it that? I forget what it was. Don't blame him. Blame me for not remembering. And I was able to guess that.

I said it was the 49ers Dolphins at Stanford Stadium, only because I had recently read that that's where they played that game. And because I got that right, he then had to be like, what was the score? I was like, I don't know, but Fulton Walker took a kickoff back for the first time in Super Bowl history. It's like 35-10. So anyways, we fucking land at San Francisco International Airport, which it's so much different, you know, when you actually get to see how cool it fucking looks. When you're sitting in the back of the tube, you know, and you're just looking out the back just praying,

you know, just please get this thing on the fucking ground. It's different when you come up there. It's fucking amazing. It's expensive as shit, but it's amazing, right? So we land, everything's going great. And I ended up doing this thing with the, what is it, the San Francisco sketch fest. And I did this, what was it, the, who's the guy from Cuba? Castro, the Castro Theater with Kevin Pollock.

And we just went out and sort of an interview just riffing fucking around. And then people came up and asked questions afterwards. I want to thank everybody that showed up. It was like one in the afternoon. All of these people showed up. It was a great time. And Kevin's just the greatest fucking dude ever. And we actually, I got to do a scene with him in a movie coming up called Front Runner.

It's coming up this year. We had a great time doing that. And you know, San Francisco, why ain't a bad mood bill? The cell sounds great. It's all great. It's all fucking great. Then I get to my hotel. Of course I show up, right?

And the lady takes my driver's license. I forgot to not just show it to her. Like she took the driver's license, right? So then she starts clicking on a keyboard. I say, Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you not type any personal information on a license? And she got all this fucking attitude. She goes, I am not.

I will tell you what I'm typing in and bubble in this whole fucking, you know, snap to the 12 to the six, whatever the fucking kids say. I want to be like, lady, lady, you're not going to tell me what you're going to do. I'm going to tell you what you're not going to do. You fucking cunt. But of course I can't say that. You know, I can't say that. Dude, I don't know what the fuck happened to customer service.

But her fucking attitude, the way she talked to me, it was like I told her how to parent her kid. So then she looks me up. Of course they don't fucking have me down because I probably miscommunicated when I was going to come up here anyways. I just didn't say a fucking word, right? And then she went out of her way and actually got me. You know, she didn't get on me out of the way. She fucking did her job. Fuck her.

Still fuck her. Sir, I'm going to tell you what it was like. I felt like I was getting booked. I just, I fucking, I don't understand what has happened to customer service. So then I was just like, all right, all right, fucking whatever. All right. And then this hotel turns out they don't have the two things that I need in a hotel. The only two fucking things I need other than a fucking door that doesn't open up out into the parking lot.

In other words, I'm not standing in a motel. Okay. And all I need is some sort of gym and an ironing board. That's it. This hotel has neither has neither has a little steam fucking machine. I don't want to steam my fucking clothes. I practice my drum shit, but I'm on the road. I bring a little practice pad and after all these years of trying to find a fucking table that fits right,

the ironing board was there the whole time. You just play standing up. Okay. And you can adjust it down if it's not high enough. You just put a couple of towels underneath and then it's at the height you need it to be. They don't fucking have one. And then lastly, I went to go get a burrito and I fucked up like San Francisco makes the best burritos, right? They got the best, but they perfected them.

I don't know where they came from. I believe France invented the burrito. I'm not sure. So there's this fucking, I'm not going to name the burrito place, but evidently they got a great spot in the mission and I'm all the way down near the fucking touristy area where they got like rides to Alcatraz. I'm like, I'm not fucking going all the way out there. I want to watch both these fucking football games. And no one behold, I find that there's a guy, there's a one that's in on everybody's top 10 list that makes a fucking burrito in the mission,

but also has another location down near the fisherman place, right? The wharf down here. So I'm like, all right, well, I know it's probably not going to be as good as the original because that's the original oven and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I fucking go to the new, this obviously the second one that they opened, I show up, right? And there's like fucking, I don't know, a group of four in front of me and a group of two in front of me. And you would have thought the amount of time it took them to order a fucking burrito. You would have thought that they were trying to like, you know, it was like wartime and they were trying to catch the last flight out before the, you know, the impending regime or whatever. It's going to send them to a fucking labor camp.

That's like how long they were negotiating this. And what kills me is these four people it took for fucking ever. Then the two people behind them who had enough time to fucking go on YouTube, find out what's in a burrito, go to a fucking supermarket, buy the shit and cook one. That's the amount of time they had. They step up to the register. It's their moment of truth to order a burrito and they start looking at the menu. Fucking ridiculous. Fucking ridiculous.

So I get up there. What do you want? Give me the original burrito, chicken, chips and salsa and a water to go. Cash. Thank you. Step aside. Over. How hard is that?

You know what it is? It's somewhere in the last century became illegal to punch somebody in the back of their head when they were taken too long in a line. And now everybody, they just, you know, they're just a little too comfortable. They're just a little too comfortable. So I'm standing there and, you know, now I'm behind the fucking couple that, you know, over at the salsa line, salsa line, salsa, salsa line. And I'm behind them again and it's taking them forever to get fucking salsa. They're fucking looking around and they're looking at other people. It's like, use your fucking brain.

Mild, medium, hot. The fuck. Touchdown, Sates. Oh, when them Sates go marching in. Oh, plenty of time left. No, there isn't. What am I talking about? I thought that was fucking 118 into the third quarter.

Well, I guess there's plenty of time left, right? This is the way the game is played nowadays. It's like, do they go for two here? There's only a quarter in a minute, 13 left. Kick the fucking extra point. Yeah. Jesus Christ. That guy just had a soul patch on the back of his head.

Wow. You know how tough you have to be to have that? Because someone's, just how hard it would be to not tell that guy how fucking annoying that is. Like, dude, I just want to fucking, can you just grow it out or shave it off? All right. Touchdown, Sates. Touchdown, my prediction lives. This is such a disturbing commercial where this guy falls off the cruise ship.

This is one of my biggest fucking fears in life. You know what I mean? Just being in the fucking ocean, praying for hypothermia to set in before something comes up to you and just takes a bite out of you. Can you imagine when you see that fucking shark fin just break the water? You know? And you know, you smell the thing. Fucking wild animals. You can smell them from a mile away to the point, I don't understand how they're able to kill anybody.

You know, you didn't see, you ever go to the fucking zoo when you just smell those goddamn lions? I guess everything stinks out there, you know? Anyways. And they just leave the guy in the fucking ocean. Fucking really bothers me. This got to be somebody complaining about that, you know? Once a year that seems to happen, or every couple of years, like somebody goes on a honeymoon and their spouse fucking falls overboard, you know? I got to look that up.

How many fucking times? What are the odds? Are the odds higher on a honeymoon or after you've been married for a while? Like how many times somebody has like fucking thrown a spouse overboard? You know? And if it's anywhere near the number that I think it is, I want to know why it doesn't have its own hashtag. I think we need to start a hashtag on Twitter. Let me just do fucking three seconds of research here.

Spouse. How do you spell spouse? I just spelled sposs. Spouse. What would I look up here? Spouse, dead, cruise ship. Significant other? Question mark.

When a passenger dies and see what you need to know. Oh my God. What do they do? Do they have a burial at sea? You know, with the Carnival Cruise Line flag and they try to make it look official. He's just sitting there looking at fucking Gilligan and Gopher. Is that the guy's name? Gopher?

The guy became like a senator. Husband pleads not guilty and wipes cruise ship killing. Oh my God. Geez. If they figure out, can you imagine that? That's just cruel and unusual punishment. Bad enough you killed somebody. The fact that you would send them to that of a lonely, brutal death.

A Utah man who allegedly brutally murdered his wife last month while on board in Alaska. Oh, he killed her on board. All right. Jesus, this is some fucking serious music. Dude, who composed that? Hey, this guy killed his wife. This guy killed his wife on a fucking cruise ship and this guy just, we need music for that and that guy, he just comes.

I can't get back to the fade in that. That was what the Jimmy Page army of fucking guitars there. Can you imagine that? You want to write the next stairway to heaven and now you're just writing fucking music. You know, that fits people dying on a fucking cruise ship. Okay. This dude is accused of first degree murder in the death of his 39 year old wife. She must have fucking choked her and shuffleboard or something.

I'm sorry. Kenneth's wife was found dead in her cruise ship cabin on July 25th after the couple had a domestic dispute. Oh my God. He says, you know, they should throw this guy overboard. Jesus Christ said blood was spread throughout the room on multiple surfaces. Who's immediately detained by ship security and a witness said that the defendant allegedly told him she would not stop laughing at me.

Jesus Christ. What the fuck? Was she ridiculing him? You know, it's funny if this was the other way around. I think the woman goes free. If she just said he was fat shaming her, like she put on some baby weight or something like that and he just, he wouldn't stop laughing at me and I just made me feel like I was small. Each year, over 4,000 men laugh at their recently not pregnant wise, causing them to feel bad

about themselves. Okay. He had been acting terrible all night. The source claimed adding at some point that evening he's, yeah, she wouldn't somebody not stop laughing at you. Go for a walk. What a. Wow.

What was going? That guy is not just a straight up fucking psycho. You know, like what the fuck was going on? How many movies could you make out of that relationship? Like if that guy never did anything wrong in his life and she was just so fucking sadistic and had so gotten into his fucking head that her just laughing at him that he fucking snapped like that. You know, I'm just playing the other side.

I'm just playing devil's advocate here. Interception. Sell window saints. Go march it in. Yeah. Da da dee da ba da boo. How annoying am I to the fucking person next to me? Case.

Kedom. Case. Case and Drew. Those are the quarterbacks. Used to be Joe versus Phillip. Roger versus Terry. What were some of the great rivalry names? Dan versus Kenny.

It'd be Dan Fouts versus Kenny Anderson in that fucking freezing bowl. Oh, he definitely stepped out of bounds. You can see right there. That's exactly what happened there. You can't see any grade between the white line. Case. Kedom got out a giant iPad. He's going to play a little Donkey Kong.

Put on a hat. There you go. Hugs all around like the game has been won on the Saints side. Is it me to the Saints? Uniforms look a little cheap. I don't know what's going on. Did they take some stripe away in their shirt? It looks like they should be playing on half a field inside a hockey arena.

All right. Drew Brees. He's got the ball. He hands it off and the guy immediately is tackled. What a waste of a play. 102 to go in the fucking third quarter. You want me to announce the rest of the third quarter for you? Some of you guys like when I do this shit, right?

Number 29, he's upset. What is he upset about? I don't know, but a guy with fucking night vision glasses is talking to him. Listen, I just got from the gun range. I didn't see what happened, but I believe in you. What the fuck is he doing out there? That's a running back number, isn't it? Maybe he's mad at, maybe he's mad at case.

Get off my case, Kenan. Sorry. Drew Brees drops back to pass over the fucking middle. When those Saints get a fucking first down. Why do I give a shit about this game? It's literally just because I told Paul Versey that I thought the Saints were going to win, that I need this to happen to fill me up in life because I'm a married guy. You know, and the compliments, you know, they're on it, they're on it.

We're on, I'm on like a compliment ration. I get one a season, and there's only one season in LA. I used to get four a year when I lived in New York. Now I'm out in LA, I get about one. How do you get that job as water guy? Like, how do you know who's fucking thirsty? Nobody ever points to their mouth, you just kind of walk up, you stick it, you know? All right.

I swear to God, the black guy in this commercial looks like they stuck his head on like an eight year old's body. Although I do like this commercial. Bill, nobody gives a fuck. Most people aren't even watching this, they don't even know what you're talking about. You're literally doing commentary for a fucking YouTube video that doesn't exist while they're listening to your podcast. Get back on the fucking game here. Fucking Steelers. What is with the Steelers?

How many times are they going to look past the opponent that week? That's what they're saying out there. They're saying that they focus too much on the New England Patriots because, you know, who's kidding who? They beat the Patriots earlier this year, you know? That was a touch. You know what I don't understand about whether it's a catch or whether it's not a catch? The fact that the ground can't cause a fumble if you're running, but it can cause an incomplete pass. Is that how it works?

I don't know. I have no idea. But I like that commercial I just saw where that guy was like practicing speed skating like in his living room. That'll be like the latest thing people will get rather than reading about nutrition. They'll literally spend like fucking ten grand on that thing. And then they'll have some sort of app where they can project it onto their TV where they can. You can be, you know, in different speed skating arenas around the fucking world. I saw this picture today on the internet.

It just fucking made me feel so goddamn old. It was this woman, right? Where's that place where people go to vacation, right? The ocean looks absolutely perfect. And then these, these grass like these huts and they hover out over the water, you know, one tsunami and everybody's dead, right? But it looks like absolute paradise. Okay. In the picture of this woman, she's in a thong, right?

Leaning on one leg. So her butt cheeks sticking out and she's looking at the huts and over her head. She's, she's making, you know, those, that stupid thing where you make the heart with your hands. She's doing that, you know, and that it made me feel so fucking old. It's like, what ever happened to just go into a fucking unbelievable place and just geeking out and taking a picture of yourself and you have that look on your face. Like you can't believe you're there. Like she literally used that paradise to enhance her whole fucking like, I don't know what the word is, her, her-ness. I don't know.

The selfie just, it just makes everybody act like a douche who doesn't know how to behave when they get their own show. In other words, they behave like myself. What's going on? He stepped out of bounds. Eight yards. He picked up eight yards. I'll tell you right now, you know what? I tell you who's going to make a big, a lot of fucking money.

Whoever owns the Kleenex store in the Mall of America. It's my prediction that every one of these Minnesota fans are going to fucking at the end of this game or they're all going to go down to the Mall of America and they're going to go into the Kleenex store. They're going to get their own fucking, you know, Kleenex with their own initial on it because everybody's fucking special now. And you can take a selfie about how sad you are. Actually, you know what would be amazing is if the Vikings go to the Super Bowl. Okay. And they play a home game. Ah, first down!

Oh, when no Saints go marching in, they're down to the fucking two yard line. You guys like Pete Fountain? Huh? Put on the old great bonnet. I love Pete Fountain. Fucking always had to kill a drummer, right? Played the shit out of the clarinet. You know what I mean?

And he's never had any sexual harassment scandals. Um, anyways, plowing ahead here. Oh, Jesus Christ. This fucking guy, this guy's hurt now. What happened? What happened to the guy? Does he got to go inside the tent? Well, thank God there's an 80 year old bald white guy to help him off the field.

The dude was so short he couldn't even lean on him. He's probably going to have a separated shoulder by the time he gets over to that little fucking, little pop tent they put him in. Um, hey, I think I found the MP3 player that now that I'm seeing this poor bastard with the umbilical cord hanging on, I'm getting out of the Apple world. Right as I said that, that weirdo just stared at me in the Galaxy commercial. Like he knew I was going to fucking do it. Um, I'm going to get a new, uh, MP.

I'm going to go with one of those Sonys, you know, and I want to tell you guys the exact model so you can be like, dude, oh my God, really? You going to buy that? Yeah, I am. I am because I have a bunch of music that I didn't get on fucking Apple. And those round building cunts. Okay. But the forest in the middle where they reeducate their employees that want to ask for more

money or maybe pay the poor bastards that put together their products so they don't jump to their fucking deaths. Uh, how crazy would be if they still advertised on this podcast after that? Um, yeah, I want to fucking get out of that world. I want to get, I still want to use this shit, but I still don't, I don't like how they're all, they're like fucking, uh, this is our shit over here. Our shit only works with our, with our shit. None of our shit works with other people's shit.

You want to use our shit, you got to buy our other shit to use our shit. Fuck people's other shit. We're going to fucking own everything. I don't say, wait, what is your problem? How many billions of dollars do you, I swear to God at that point, um, I know a promoter like that. I know a promoter like that. He wants to make all the money.

You know, it's not enough that he's making the most money. He wants to make all the money and it actually gives him joy when, when other people, uh, when other people's, uh, you know, other promoters in his town are not doing well. He'll just say, oh, did you hear about so-and-so? They booked so-and-so. The guy took a bath and I'd be like, oh, I bet that makes you happy. Oh, I fucking love it. Um, anyways, I guess I never gave you guys a hashtag, uh, for the cruise ships.

Why don't you guys come up with one? Oh, here comes the tent, the pop-up tent. Dick's sporting good. All right, let's see it, Dick. What happened? Did he hit your left ball or your right ball? All right, we're going to freeze it here. We're going to do a little fucking, put a little desenax on it and, uh, I think you'd be all right.

All right, Drew Brees hands the ball off. Uh, and the guy runs it to everybody. You know, there was supposed to be a hole there. You know, when I was a kid, I thought that running backs, rather than running around the outside, the reason why they ran in the middle is because they thought they'd get famous for trying to do something so impossible. Um, what do you guys think is going to happen here? Actually, you're already know. I say that they're going to score on third and goal, right?

Unless they try and run it three fucking times. How about a little play-action fake here, Drew? For the love of fucking Christ. Oh, by the way, congratulations to Liverpool. Huh? Liverpool. Be fucking man city. Guess you guys didn't realize I've been paying attention a little bit to the Premier League.

That's soccer for everybody here in North America. Drew Brees throws a damn when them saints go, my shit. It's fucking 17 to motherfucking 13. All right. Okay. Case keyed him. Case keyed him. He's on the case.

Keyed him. They must do a bunch of shit like that, right? Anytime, uh, you know, they always have the puns, right? You must do a bunch of those things. Jesus Christ. This is that's becoming a tale of two halves. Here comes Drew Brees. He's going to break their hearts.

I'll tell you right now. Then they're right now. The last ride on the roller coaster at the Mall of America is happening. There's an overall sadness that is going to descend on that mall. Right now there's a bunch of people that do not give a fuck. Okay. Two white guys trying to do a cool handshake. They, uh, I don't know what they just did there.

Some sort of jerk off fucking motion by Drew Brees as he gave the okay sign. You know, all these are the times. Is it okay that I'm stroking your dick? I think that that's what that meant. I think that was very progressive by Drew Brees. Um, all right. If you could tell, I'm doing this thing early and I've yet to get any of the advertising. I don't have any fucking, uh, any of the questions or anything.

So at some point I'm going to have to fucking hit pause or I could text my fucking guy here to send me the bullshit. Right. That could happen. That could happen. Right. Let me hit pause. You don't listen to this fucking crap. Oh, do you?

Johnny, oh, do you the fuck is going on with the blackhawks this year? Let me, I gotta hit pause. I'm not going to put you through this shit. All right, I'm back. Oh, you know what I was going to say is if Minnesota wins this game and then goes to the Super Bowl and, uh, I'm actually a Vikings fan from way back in the day, to be honest with you. I don't know why I'm just being a douche right now. Like I said, I just predicted this upset. I don't care if the Vikings win.

Oh, right up the middle for first down, 1302 to go in the game. He's nodding. He's nodding like they didn't just give up 14 points in a row. What? Every fucking guy now acts like they just reinvented football. Look at this. All those people blocked for him. And then when there was finally a fucking guy who could tackle him, he did.

And this guy gets up like he's, did you ever see Jim Brown get up fucking nodding? Oh, the old man. This is, this is what you sound like the closer you get to death. You know, you're like, why isn't it way away? It used to be. Okay. He's keen. He is on a strict no passing diet right now.

They saw that last one. They're like, fuck this guy. Just hand it off. Now, why aren't you nodding? How come you're not nodding? No. If I'm got stuff, right at the goddamn line. Everybody, anybody makes a good play.

They're pointing at the name in the back of the jersey. Anytime they fucking don't make a play. They're looking for a flag or they run off the field. Anyways, if I can get through this goddamn point, if Minnesota actually goes to the goddamn Super Bowl, it's a fucking home game. All right. Everything there is purple. There's no way you got to have like a Prince themed half time show.

You think he would have played it? Think he would have come. He would have had to have Prince come back. Look at that fucking throw. Case Keenum shaking off the interception. The Saints say it's not a catch. They say it's not a catch. Wright says, oh my God, I can't even deal how fucking great I am.

It's driving me crazy. Case Keenum. Everybody stop shouting. Settle down. This is a great fucking throw. Oh, he just drops it right in there. I don't know. A little bit of wobbly there in the end.

He caught it, but did he catch it long enough? Case Keenum gets to, oh, they get, oh, not in time. Not in time. The challenge flag. This degenerate gambling looking head coach. This fucking wife probably cries herself to sleep. That's such a terrible thing to say. Why would I say that?

All right. He's on the ground. He has it. He has it. He still has it. If they call this not a fucking catch, look at this shit. All right, there you go. That's a catch.

He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. He's got it. What are they going to look at? Jesus fucking Christ. How long do you have to have it?

Oh my God. Now I got to see this replay 58 fucking time that he has to see right there. Now he has it against his navel and his fucking happy trail. This guy pleading his case. Take back your red hanky. All right. I know you guys, I don't think you want to fucking live. I've really limited my goddamn audience here.

Let's talk about fucking, let's limit it even more. And I'll talk to my six British fans over there. Man City. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Jesus Christ. It was like a full fucking bottle of water and it's Evion too and I fucking hate that shit. Evion, there's minerals in it.

Yeah, I can taste it. It tastes fucking weird. Did the water rush through a plastic rock? Why does it taste so fucking awful? I fucking hate Evion. Anyways. It's supposed to be like the best bottled water. It tastes like shit.

How do I know it's from the French Alps? I don't drink anything. Poland spring, Dasani. Smart water. I'll drink that box water. I don't give a shit even though it tastes like you're drinking out of a shoe. That fucking wet cardboard. I know it's better for the environment, but Jesus Christ.

Ugh. You know what's the worst was when you were a little kid and you drank out of the garden hose and you didn't realize it was sitting in the sun. You'd have that fucking hot blast of stale fucking water that'd probably been in there for a week. Jesus Christ. See, you know they're taking out your fucking small intestine. Alright, let's look up this Man City shit. Alright, Man City.

Man City lost four to three to Liverpool. Now for those of you who live in the United States of Merkur, Man City evidently was fucking undefeated the whole year. I guess that's really difficult to do in any sport, but I wasn't sure with soccer. It just seems like you score one goal and the game's over, but I will tell you lately there's four to three, seven goals. You gotta love that. Gotta fucking love that.

They lost to Liverpool. Home of the fucking Beatles. That's all I know. That's all I know about that shit. Oh, let's talk about, let's talk about Donny. Donny fucking Case-Caitam sacked. Oh no, he got the ball up. Donald fucking Trump.

I gotta say something, man. That was a low, that is a low point in modern United States history, and that's fucking saying something. You just can't, you know, you know, you just can't, it's not even apologizes. Hey, you know, I shouldn't have said it that way, but that was just a fucking like, I don't know what, people still sticking by the guy.

What? You see, tell me like it is. All right. Here's the number two guy. Number four is going to hold the ball. The little skinny guy, he kicks the ball right down the fucking middle. It was a one-eyed, one-horned fly. What is the Minnesota Vikings?

What is this Saints guy bitching about now? What is he complaining about? I'll tell you right now. That fucking happened to us. You would have said no catch. Yes, you would have. Yes, you would have. You're just like my wife.

You're just like my fucking wife. Jesus, you know your fat when you can see a man tits under the windbreaker. Oh, he was saying the guy was down. All right. Nobody cares, Bill. This is one of the worst podcasts I've ever done. I apologize. Okay.

And I'm sure you guys will let me know. All right. Oh, so the burrito ended up getting like, it just sucked. Wasn't wrapped tight, or I guess I'm supposed to keep it in the foil. I have no fucking idea. And then the chicken was like overcooked. You know, this is what happens. This is what happens when you go to a city and you go, you know what, these people are

known for this. And then you as a tourist don't know where to go and you just go out and get one. And then you go back to your city with the wrong information saying, I went there, their burritos sucked. It didn't take, I could make a better burrito than that. You know, that's like, you know, people go to Chicago and New York and they say that their pizza sucks. It's like, well, who did you hang out with?

Were you with people from the city? Did they tell you where to fuck to go? Oh, you know what? I wanted to look up because people are sitting there saying, oh, they got to impeach fucking Donald Trump. And it's just like, well, they impeached Bill Clinton. He got impeached. I was like, holy shit.

He's going to have to leave. And then he, he didn't. Why didn't Bill Clinton leave and then I'll just write impeached, right? That should get me. He's been impeached. There you go. Impeached. If Bill Clinton, why did he finish?

Okay, if Bill Clinton was impeached, why did he finish up? I don't understand how he could have been impeached, but he did not leave office. All right. Being impeached doesn't guarantee the person impeached has to leave office. Here's some historical examples. The problem with your question is he was not impeached in a way to have to leave office. I see you really don't understand the difference between impeachment and having to leave office. Now you didn't have to be that fucking conti about it.

Not true. He was impeached for a public official impeach. Well, this is just people arguing. Bill Clinton was acquitted. The Senate did not reach the two-thirds majority needed to fully process his impeachment. To further break it down, Clinton was impeached by the House on two charges, the first being perjury, the second being obstruction of justice. Following this, he was acquitted by the Senate.

The impeachment process takes place in two steps. First, the President has to stick a cigar in somebody's pussy. No, that's right. First, the President has to be impeached in the House of Representatives. That is the equivalent of an indictment. Ah, then the President is tried in the Senate with the Chief Justice of the United States presiding. Oh, this is why all the lefties are saying we got to fucking kill these elections in October so we can get Trump out. I was like, what the fuck are they talking about?

So then they could actually indict him in the House and then impeach him in the Senate. It requires a two-thirds vote of the Senate to remove an impeachment. You think if he got impeached, right, if it went to the Senate and he got impeached, like, I actually think that he would leave before they took the vote. He would get on his own fucking plane and he would just leave and he'd be on the— like, just so his ego could handle it. Like, you know, you're not going to come walking in here and have me pack up my shit and have me escorted out like I just get fired at, you know, some fucking corporation.

All right? I haven't been—I don't take the amount of time that I take to comb my hair over the top of my fucking head to be treated this way. All right, so evidently, they fucking didn't think the guy was down. I'm literally commentating a game that you already know the results of that you're not watching. This is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever done. All right, I'll be honest with you. I'm just—I'm fucking lonely, okay? I just felt like talking to somebody. Can—can you guys just be there for me?

All right, the fucking—fucking guy did his goddamn job. He hit it twice. Hey, how about a round of applause for the person who's making the field goal kicker's helmets now? They finally, you know, they gave him, like, two bars. You know, back in the day, they just had that, like, Fred Cox, Joe Thysman, all those guys just had that one bar across the front of their fucking— I mean, I don't know. I don't know how those people survived. All right, you know, and this is going to be a mercy pause right here. I'm going to just wait for all the information to come from my fucking podcast so I can actually do this. Okay, yes, we'll send over in five getting advertising now.

All right, I still got advertising. All right, I'll talk to you in two seconds here. All right, I'm back, and I got all the materials I need here. By the way, oh, when does Sate stay fucking scored again? They're up by one point. That's where I am in the game. Vikings just got a pass interference call with number 19 or some shit on the Vikings, who has the smallest shoulder pads I've ever seen in my life. Remember the 80s? How big fucking shoulder pads were? What do they make those things out of now?

I guess if everybody has small ones, then it's a fucking—it's a fair game. Oh, by the way, so basically what happened with Bill Clinton was he got indicted in the House of Representatives, and then when it went to the Senate, they needed two-thirds of the vote and none of the Democrats voted to impeach him. So that's how he got off. The Liberals looked the other way with the sexual harassment. And, you know, it's all just politics. It's not like one side's better than the other. If it was a Republican, they would have voted the—they all would have voted the exact fucking opposite way,

except maybe one or two fucking actually decent human beings. And the result—so Bill Clinton got acquitted, but he did lose his license to practice law because of that. Isn't that fucking unbelievable? Unfucking unbelievable. One of the hardest things, I think, is to become a lawyer. Just all like trying to pass the bar and all of that. You go through all of that shit, and then what do you do? You stick a cigar in some fucking woman's pussy that isn't your wife, and then you lie about it,

and then all that studying goes right out the window. Jesus Christ. I love cigars and I love women, but I'm telling you, if I learned anything, you gotta keep them separate. All right. Okay, let's do some advertising here. Three Reads, all right. Honey! That's the name of this new company.

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That's joinhoney.com slash burr. The Saints do not return. Minute 29 to go. How the fuck did that kickoff take no time? The guy caught it. That must have been a split second, right? Simply safe. Hey, Bill, stop using our pussy as a humidor.

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Why is it always ear-splitting? Why can't they have it like just, why don't they just have it sound like somebody really tough? You know, like somebody breaks in and you just have some guy, you know, really deep voice. Bitch, get my gun. Right? That wasn't a tough voice. You know what I mean? Somebody just says some crazy shit.

I'm gonna fucking murder you. Right? You just have the creepiest voice ever. You just whisper that. Have that, that's your alarm. I'm gonna murder you. Right? Or maybe, this is one of this, maybe it fucking, the alarm goes to your phone and then you see the person breaking in and then you start talking all this shit like you're in there and you're crazy.

And you'll be all brave because you're not home. I see you in your green shirt, you motherfucker. I will light you on fire. You know, some crazy shit instead of, whew, whew, whew. All right, stamps.com everybody. Here's a New Year's resolution you can actually keep. Add stamps.com to your business and save a ton of time and money this year. I use stamps.com, any nice fucking defensive play.

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All right. Number three, Bobby A. Bear. They brought him back from the fucking retirement. He's loosening up his, wouldn't he used to weigh that number? He's fucking loosening up his leg here to kick a fucking field goal which would win it. Oh my God. Oh my God. Was my prediction true?

Are these poor Viking fans going to get fucked again? Are they going to be crying at the Mall of America? How many yards does he need? They need like another 15 yards. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Okay, here we go. The Vikings are one play away.

Unless this guy comes in and just kicks like a fucking 70 yarder. Oh, you got to catch that. You got to catch that. Hey, fuck it. Oh, what a throw. It was right there. Drew Brees. Oh God, the coach has on his reading glasses.

He's already in the off season. He's going to read Catcher in the Rye or some shit. Come on, man. Come on, Drew. Why do I give a shit? The Vikings have had a drought. The Saints won in 2010. I just want to be right.

The Saints are going to win. I apologize to everybody in Minneapolis, St. Paul, Duluth. Oh, no. First down fucking foot. The Saints. Oh my God. I have to turn this up. Oh my God.

He's in the guy's field goal rage. Oh, no. You know what's funny? I love Minneapolis. I don't want you people to be sad. I was just joking around. Oh, Case Keaton puts the hat on, takes it off, puts it on, holds his head. How am I ever going to talk to my loved ones again?

Holy shit. 10, 9, 8. Jesus Christ, Drew, what are we doing? I learned from Tony Romo. Awesome play clock. You fucking moron. All right, 40 seconds to go. It's like, Jesus, he's nonchalant.

I learned from Tony Romo. You want to kick it with four seconds left. I think it's four seconds left because then you don't have to kick off. Like that's how long a field goal takes. But with Tony Romo, after he's done bobbling it, it probably takes 11 seconds. Oh, come on. He shits on Dion Sanders. I can give him a little fucking rough time.

I love Tony Romo, by the way. All right. Practice tee. All right. He kicked it. Okay. I put it into the net. 37 seconds to go.

Oh my God. It's just the Mall of America. Oh God, why didn't I invest in the Kleenex store at the Mall of America? One of the dumbest things I ever did. Blitz and Drew Brees fucking picked it up. It's a catch. Oh, I'm going to talk so much shit to Verzi. I'm going to talk so much shit to Verzi.

Dude, what did I say? I called it. Oh, the ball was bobbling. No, you got it. You got it. Did he catch it enough times for it to be a cat? No, that's not a catch. The little tail was hanging down the bottom.

See, now here goes all the fucking drama. This is going to be 20 fucking minutes of this shit. All right. I'm not even looking at this goddamn game at this point. That is not a catch. The Vikings, come on. You got to throw the challenge flag. Did the Vikings coach just come from the gun range?

What is with those goddamn glasses? Da, da, da, da, da. You can see the point of the ball touches the ground right there. Yeah, it's not a catch. Everybody knows it's not a catch for the fucking love of Christ. All right, this is hilarious. The first letter that I got this week. There's the water guy.

Now, how did he know the guy wanted the water down his back? Wouldn't that be annoying? Tub of fuck is the name of this one. Dear Billy Boozehound. I have been a big fan of the podcast and you stand up for several years now. I'm writing you to tell you that I owe you a lot. Oh, Jesus. Look at this.

It was about a year ago. I heard you first say that every now and then you would look into the mirror and call yourself a tub of fuck. I do. I thought it was hilarious and it made me realize I was a tub of fuck as well. Hey, look at that. We're bonding. Fucking sound. My cloud preferences.

I don't know my password and you won't give me a second chance so I don't want to update it. All right, since last February, I have woken up every morning and told myself that I am a tub of fuck. I made my phone wallpaper a picture of me when I was at my heaviest, 255. So whenever I unlock my phone, there is a reminder of the tub of fuck I am and no longer want to be. That's great. I'm proud to announce that I have lost 70 pounds in 11 months. Dude, that's awesome. And honestly, I owe you a big thanks for giving me the motivation to do this because of you and Joe Rogan.

Probably more Joe Rogan. He's actually in shape. I have done a lot of things in the last year that have taken me out of my comfort zone. You've been a great inspiration in my life in many different ways. Hope you and the lovely Neil and the baby have a great 2018 from one tub of fuck to another. Go fuck yourself. Well, that was just, you know, for all you guys know that I wrote that. There was really no question there.

After further review. Did he say that was a catch? What? How the fuck was that a catch? You saw that little cone of the ball? Case Keenum could not grow a beard. God damn it, he's trying. What the fuck?

Oh my God. Everybody's got on their granny glasses. All right, Drew Brees, what's he going to do? He's going to get any hands off the fucking ball and nothing happens, but he didn't fumble it. All right, you guys want to listen to this shit? Do you want to listen to the sound of a bunch of 80,000 people by ready to start crying and go to the Mall of America? If I ran the Mall of America, I would say free roller coaster rides for the entire month. Well, maybe for the week.

You know, they got to make that money over there. Can't imagine how much. Oh my God. How does this always happen to the fucking Vikings? It always happens to them when they're at home. Everything with like 15 and one, the dirty birds came in and it just somehow came in and fucking beat them. It's unreal. Didn't they have a game against like the fucking Redskins or something like that in 88?

Well, they had the game one and then it just fucking went away. Ah, Jesus Christ. All right, here we go. Bobby A. Bears fucking lining up for the kick. The kick is up. Oh, and it's good. Oh, no. Oh, and it's good.

Oh, no. Oh, when the Saints go marching in. Oh my God. The game is not over because they got Case Kingdom. What the fuck? I'm already typing in capital letters to Paul Versey. What the fuck did I say? What did I say?

All right. Let me turn this down. What did I do to the fucking thing? Is there an exit button? Exit. Holy fucking shit. I can't. I can't fucking believe they came back and won this game.

I knew I just say, you know, I don't know shit about football. I just had a feeling. Just had a feeling. I was like Drew Brees. He's like third all time passing. He never gets the respect he fucking deserves. I think he's got. I said it last week on the podcast.

I'm texting Paul Versey right fucking now. Paul Versey. Should I do? I should wait, right? What if this guy takes it back? All right. 25 seconds left. Case Kingdom.

He's going to present his case that he is the key num to them winning. Sorry. What the fuck? I mean, they did a bunch for Aaron Judge. I can't have fun with Case Kingdom's name. That's what I'm going to do someday. You know, when I retire from being a comedian, I'm going to go straight headlines for sports pages.

You know, and I'll finally get to do all my pun jokes that I'm not allowed to do in a comedy. You do a pun joke in a comedy club. You're going to get a groan. And people, you do enough of them. People going to ask for their fucking money back. All right. The Daily News, the New York Post, all of these guys, they live on it. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Fall start. Fall start. Everybody's pointing at everybody else. Oh, a little disco dancing. Oh, on the Vikings. Oh, geez. Look at that guy.

How much does his breath stink? That fucking beard. He's probably still got cereal in there. Uh-oh. That wasn't good. That's not the way you want to start your two-minute offense. I like the Vikings when I was a kid because purple was my favorite color. When I was a little kid, I wanted to be a painter.

Now, like of art, I just wanted to paint houses. I thought it was going to, that would be a cool job. And, uh, all right. Prevent defense. They're on the 38-yard line. Don't take a dumb penalty. Um, I just wanted to paint houses. And I was going to paint everybody's house purple, whether they liked it or not,

because that was my favorite color. So right out of the gate, you know, I was a cunt. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Paul Verzi. Here we go. I'm actually going to, I'm going to text it right now because if I'm wrong, you guys will, I will put the sound on.

You'll get to listen to me delete it. Dude, I fucking called it. Called it. Why is it so much fun being right about sports? It's probably because you, you know, I'm so wrong in the rest of my life. Just feels good every once in a while. Incomplete. It only took fucking two seconds off.

All right. You know, this is going to be boring. The amount of time this is going to fucking take. Let me read the next goddamn question. Is it going to be another love letter? Oh, Bill, tip on making oatmeal. Okay. I started eating steel cut oats and they, they have this gluey consistency unless you

just keep stirring the fucking thing. He said, get an insta pot and you can make steel cut oats in like three to four minutes. They're like $90 on Amazon. I should use honey. See if I can get it for 87. If you go to your website and click the link, they'll even throw you a little bit of cash. They're chief. The fuck is an insta pot?

You mean like a microwave? Insta pot. Let me see this. It's like a vaporizer for oatmeal. Insta pot. I need to Google a fucking picture of that. Insta pot. That looks like a complete piece of shit.

Oh, insta pot. Wait, is that what you wrote? Am I losing my mind? Where is it? No, you wrote insta pot. It's instant, instant pot. Like I'll have this breakfast made in an instant. Oh, but then on Amazon it says insta pot.

Maybe the insta pot is fucking ripping them off. All right, what is it? It's ball in yon 39. What down is it? Case Canaan back for a fucking pass, throws the ball, incomplete. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy.

Yeah, that's what an insta pot is. 120 bucks. So this is just going to be something else in my fucking cupboard because I can't wait an extra 26 minutes for my oats. You like how this person was just trying to help me out and I'm still being a jerk about him? I didn't see that new Matt Damon movie about downsizing, but I am all about that shit. I just fucking, I had a lot of layoffs in my wardrobe.

I just sent everything fucking. I'm going to be like three pairs of pants, one black, one blue, and then just one for every shit moment of my fucking day. Oh my God. No way. No fucking way. That could not have just happened. That could not have just happened.

Oh my God. I have to, I can't fucking please the greatest podcast ever that could not have just happened. How do you let that happen? Holy shit. All right. Wait. Unfucking believable. Oh, you know what?

I didn't save the thing when I texted to Bursey. I almost sent dude. I fucking called it. How did that fucking just happen on the last play of the game and that he missed him and knocked his own guy down? You have to be fucking kidding me. I have literally seen it all. I cannot fucking believe that just happened.

Are you fucking kidding me? Exactly. Case Keenum. Oh my God. I just thought when the guy caught us, like, holy fuck, are they going to have time to kick a field goal? Why won't anybody hug Case Keenum? Look at the wide receiver acting like he just did something.

I mean, he caught the ball, but the Saints completely fucked up. He act like he faked out that guy. Wow. Oh my God. I don't know what the name of that saint is, but I got a feeling everybody's going to know that name by tonight. Holy shit. I cannot fucking believe that just happened.

You know what, when Drew Pearson caught that fucking ball, the Vikings are finally on the right side of one of these plays. Holy shit. Oh my God. I cannot fucking believe that just happened. That was unbelievable. Happy for Minnesota, but Jesus Christ, sad for the Saints. What the fuck?

Now, how, if you're that guy in the Saints that missed the guy completely, didn't even put your fucking arms out and then took out another player, how do you go into that locker room? What do you say? What the fuck do you say? Oh my God. What were the fucking odds I was going to be watching this game the entire time? Oh Jesus, now the ref's got to look.

Reviewing the score, it's a... He didn't step out of bounds. Don't take this away from football fans. Don't take this away. What did he do? He just put his head down. That's like some Pop Warner shit. Oh my God.

Reeling the field is confirmed. Look at the ref taking a lot of time here. He never gets cheered. We must kick the field goal. I just shut it off. I cannot... Wait a minute. I got to leave it on.

What if they fucking block it and score a fucking touchdown, right? I got to leave that on. I can't... I don't believe what I just saw. I cannot fucking believe that. How many times have I said that? That was fucking unbelievable. How do I follow this up with questions?

I just did all of that. Now my next question. Do you miss the Prius? I swear to God, that's the question. Oh, now they got to clear the field. We have to fucking kick the extra point. The Saints are gone. Now they got to come out of the locker room.

Can you imagine if the guy would just fuck that play up, block this extra point and ran it back for a touchdown? That would be like watching atosh.0. Like, you know, when he has the people be able to do their redemptions without needing atosh.0. It would be a self-contained episode. All right, hang on a second. Let me fucking get my password in here.

Let me read this Prius thing while we're waiting. Okay, do you miss the Prius? What up, Billy Buick? I actually love a Buick. Back in the day, I loved Buicks. You know, when a Cadillac was a Cadillac and a Buick was like, you know, you weren't quite a Cadillac guy. I wonder if this would have put him at least in field goal range.

The worst fucking attempt ever at a fucking... The fact that that guy is a safety. Oh, my God. I don't f... I've seen a lot of shit. I have seen a lot of shit. What the fuck? Anyways, do you...

I know you're thrifty for years while driving your Prius, Bill. I was wondering if you still like driving a nicer vehicle or regret spending the money. I'm in the recovery from buying new vehicles. I wasted money for years on new cars and never really got any satisfaction from it. Over the past three years, I've been driving a 2007 Honda Accord. Awesome. And surprisingly, I'm pretty happy with it. Yeah, dude, once you get a paid off, it's a shit.

I still have to fight the urge to buy a new ride often. Anyways, happy new year from down in Alabama. No, because I didn't buy a nice car until I could afford one. That's a mistake a lot of people do, you know, they're trying to get some ladies' attention or whatever the fuck it is, or they just love cars so much. Like, if you're really, really a car guy, I understand along the way you're going to have nice cars,

but I was always about paying off my house and getting the bankers off my back. I was into that shit. This is what's fucked up. It's the Saints right now. They have a chance, a very small chance, but they have a chance, don't they? Maybe extra point and return it for a touchdown. Can't that fucking happen? Anyways, yeah, I was always, I was always way into no debt or working my way

towards having no debt. Like, I just, I can't stress that enough to young people, but when you get like a credit card and all that shit, it's just like, be really careful with those things. And you can't like, oh, this is smart. They're just going to go for a two-point version and just down the ball so that can't happen. There you go. That's smart.

My dumb ass. That's why I don't coach on any level. Anyways, the, yeah, I was, I just was always into like, just not being in debt. You know, it just absolutely paralyzes you and it affects your ability to go after what you want to go after. I've told this story before, like, I kept a day job until I moved to New York. The first three and a half years, I was a comedian probably the last year. Well, actually, it's not true because I was still living at home with my parents.

I could have basically, you know, said, hey, can you help support me with my dream? And I could have just been sitting around the house and just making comedy money. But I continued to work and before I moved down to New York, I paid off everything. I paid off my student loans. I paid off my car, which died right before I went to New York. And I saved up a chunk of money and I just moved down to New York and I was never a ramen noodle guy, but I definitely ate a lot of fucking rigatoni and spaghetti and shit. And I just did that.

So when I finally got it, when I finally bought myself a nice car, I could afford it and felt like I earned it. And yeah, I loved it. But I also loved the Prius. The Prius is a fucking great car, you know? Cheap as shit to fucking own. It's never a problem. You can park it wherever you want.

No one's trying to steal a fucking Prius. You know, I always joked like, you know, once mine was like eight or nine years old, I literally could leave that thing on with the door open in the middle of a fucking, you know, riot and no one would take it. Like, you know, whenever they do the trap car, they try to get people to steal that car. They've never, I will be willing to bet they never did that with the fucking Prius. Now I want to know how many of those Viking fans stuck around. You know some people left.

You know that they fucking left. And as they were winding down the fucking stairs, they just heard everybody going, oh my God, oh my God. And they had to fucking run their fat asses back up there. Congratulations to the Vikings. Holy shit. The Vikings did not win that game. That was the biggest fuck up I have seen in a long goddamn time.

Ah, Drew Brees. And once again, Drew Brees, the silent assassin. Nobody knows how good that guy is. And now he's not going to get to prove it in the NFC championship game, potentially trying to win a Super Bowl. Oh, tragedy. All right, bulletproof glass bullshit. Dear Billy Dadbot, you know, that hurts.

I was listening to your podcast a while back where you read someone's email concerning owning a store with a bulletproof glass where his grandfather was almost killed and he was outraged at the mandate and claimed the person pushing the bill said bulletproof windows are racist. I just wanted to point out that it was bullshit. Most people in this country who get outraged over things are oftentimes just misinformed. And because we live in a consumer culture where the customer is always right, no, they're not.

That's old school. The customer is not right. The customer can go fuck themselves and talk to a fucking robot on the phone. If you're bleeding to death, press two, the mindset has transitioned to politicians saying the citizens are hardworking, honest, honorable Americans rather than saying the truth. Most citizens are ignorant, entitled, tribal mouth, tribal mouth breathers. Sir, I don't know at what point in political history, politicians were saying that. They never said that either.

So you're kind of speaking in hyperbole, I believe, is the expression. But I understand what you're saying. You're trying to build up your point. This is the bill that was proposed regarding bulletproof windows. I'm not fucking reading all of that. It's regarding restaurants and no other places of business. So that person that wrote you in fear of having his bulletproof glass banned is basically an outrage over nothing. Oh, in outrage.

In outrage, you mean no deal. It doesn't even affect him or his grandfather. Well, that's good. It was never called racist. We want to make sure that there isn't this sort of indignity, in my opinion, to serving food through a plexiglass only in certain neighborhoods. What? That doesn't make sense. Well, who are you to say it's indignant?

You know what? That's sneaky writing right there. You're going to get offended for people? I don't understand what's going on here. It was never called racist. We want to make sure that there isn't this sort of indignity, in my opinion, to serving food through a plexiglass only in certain neighborhoods. Well, whenever I was doing gigs in bad neighborhoods and they had that fucking bulletproof glass, I always looked at it. Okay, heads up.

Keep your head on the swivel. I appreciated it being there. I didn't feel like fucking... I don't know what you're trying to do here, but I am in favor of hurting some people's feelings if it keeps people who want to just have the honest job of working at a restaurant alive. I would be in favor of it. I don't think it's plexiglass. Is it? Plexiglass stops a bullet?

I don't fucking know. That's from Philadelphia Councilwoman Cindy Bass. All right, let's look up Cindy Bass. Cindy can be your friend. Pretend she's your fucking councilman. Why does it always take me to fucking Wikipedia now? What the fuck? Where are we?

Cindy Bass. Images. Cindy Bass appears to be African-American. All right, so this person was saying that she was being racist. Now according to some people, it's impossible for a black person to be racist. I don't even know what the fuck is going on right now. I don't know. All I know is if I worked in a goddamn restaurant and somebody nearby had shot someone in a restaurant to the point that somebody felt that there needed to be some fucking glass up there, I would want it.

But who the fuck am I to say what people need in their neighborhood? How the fuck did I get signed out of that thing? Hey, when it's signed you out, it goes, you want to make a report? No, I don't have time for that shit. Who has time to do that? I was trying to do a podcast and all of a sudden I was signed out. It was never called. Okay, while I still don't agree that any type of business should be mandated to remove a type of security for whatever,

it was websites like steadfastandloyal.com that wrote bulletproof glass is now racist in their title. However, you know what, I actually understand what you're saying here because that type of shit happens to comedians all the time. Where they just, you know, they float something out there, Huffington Post, and then they try to get you in trouble or make it more sensationalized so they can get views. However, in the body of the article, they admitted that the councilwoman never used those words. But of course, most people don't read beyond this article. Yeah, see, I mean, that's the internet. There's really no, there's no libel. There's no, there's none.

I cannot fucking, I gotta hear what this guy said. God cared. God cared that this guy, God cared. The other guy had too much devil in him. And the other, the safety on the saints, he prayed to the devil. That's what happened. And the devil misled him to tackle air, to tackle his own fucking teammate. I know you're a comedian and not some fucking political correspondent.

So it's not like I'm trying to hold you up to some Barbara Walters type of standard. But I know some people in your audience forget that and believe everything they read and everything they hear that feeds into what they already believe. Like you said, I am right.com. Yeah, well, dude, nobody's coming to this fucking website to become informed. Okay. Don't put that on me. Okay. I did not pursue that, which is why I became a comedian.

All right. I tried the serious, the serious world. It didn't fucking work out for me. I failed miserably. Okay. Failed my wife. All right. Dear Billy Buddy guy, my wife and I have been married for a year and a half.

We both have a child from prior relationships and a seventh month old daughter together. She's an angel by the way. Of course she is. She is Latina and I only bring that up because she fits all the fiery stereotypes both good and bad. She completes my life with this, although arguments can get very difficult. Dude, I thought you were talking about your seven month old. That's fucking hilarious. You went right into that.

I thought you're good. You already have an arguments with a seven month old. And she's fiery. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There's fucking talking gibberish. Okay. Your wife. Okay.

She's Latina and I only bring that up because she fits all these stereotypes. She completes my life. I have some of the same temper issues that you use to describe yourself and your bit about kneeling on the ball when I'm right has paid off huge. So thank you for that. Yeah. I should probably rewatch that bit because I have not been doing that lately. I've been airing it out.

Anyway, to cut to the chase, we decided together to fight for primary custody of my son. The case is very complicated, but for the sake of everyone listening, I'll summarize it with as few details as possible. In family court before peering in front of a judge, there is a conference where a mediator tries everything they can to make sure you can come to an agreement and avoid a judge deciding. My wife and I had a plan going in to not cut a deal with my ex at the conference and hold out for a judge to rule on custody. However, I had no idea the level of pressure that they'd be able to put on me and I buckled under it and made a deal for the next year. Then I had to go home and explain to my wife that I had failed our plan. I don't know if you've ever completely disappointed your woman, but this is the worst feeling in the world.

But wait a minute, she's going to judge you because they probably used your love of your own kid, right? Against you? Anyways, and as you can imagine over the past day or so, she's cutting me into me at just about every opportunity for all the little failures. And I can see it right in her eyes that her man had a moment of weakness and didn't come through in the clutch. Worse is that she absolutely hates my ex and feels like I let her get the better of me. Yeah, I kind of had a feeling. Yeah. Okay, all right. Oh geez, you're in the middle of that. You're in the middle of two ladies.

Have you ever disappointed your woman with a grand fuck up about every three days? I guess a good boxing analogy is that my hands are down and I don't know how long to let her continue jabbing at me until I put them back up. Thanks and go fuck yourself. I wouldn't take another ounce of shit from her. You need to sit down and talk to her and be like, wait a minute, I'm trying to get my kid back. I'm going back with all of this emotion. Wait, let me make sure this is, you decided together to get primary custody of your son. Now, whose idea was that? Was that totally yours or was the hatred your wife has of your ex-wife played into the thing?

I don't know, dude. I don't know what's going on, but it sounds when it went into my head, okay. Now notice, know that everything that you say is now perverted because it went into my brain. As I say, once you say something, it's not what you said anymore. It's cut with the other person's experiences. It's like drugs that have been stepped on. What you said was pure cocaine. Now it's in my head and there's all this X laxatives getting fucking put in it.

All I hear is that your wife, your current wife, presents your previous fucking wife. And she's doing that woman thing where they don't solve things with their fists. They try to fucking make, they just do that thing where they try to make the other woman as miserable as they possibly can. And she knows probably how much it would break your ex-wife's heart to lose primary custody of your son. And she really wanted to do that to her because that would make her feel better and more secure in your relationship. I don't fucking know. I have no idea, dude. There's too many fucking variables here, but I wouldn't take an ounce of shit.

If I had a son from a previous marriage and I was trying to do what you were doing and then I caved under that pressure, my wife would understand it. If she ever gave me shit, I would be stunned and then I would fucking read her the riot act and I would go out to a bar and have a couple of cold ones there. That's what I would do, okay? Now I get into a lot of arguments in my relationship, so you probably don't want to listen to me. I have no professional background, okay? I'm the type of man that already types out, dude, I called it with 25 seconds left.

It fucking jinxes the saints. Maybe it was my fault. Alright. I don't know what the fuck that was, but you can't say it wasn't compelling if you're a football fan. Everybody else, I apologize to go fuck yourselves and I'll check it on ya on Thursday. Yeah, top.