Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-16-12

Episode Date: January 16, 2012

Posted in PodcastPlay AudioBill rambles about football, relationship advice and the wearing a bath rob.

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You know, I'm dressed like a sitcom dad in the morning. You know, they dress him up like he never fucked his wife ever. He had the immaculate conception. That's how they had the kids. Remember they used to do that back in the day? Like with like Hugh Beaumont or Robert Young or, uh, Mike Brady. Remember they slept in the separate beds? This has been covered before. You know, I'm just saying.

And yes, I do have a bathrobe. I always wanted one when I was a kid, you know, but my parents were just like, What are you a fucking... What are you a fucking asshole? What kind of a man to be wants a goddamn robe? And I was like, what about all the kings that wore them? And they were like, well, what about all the queens? And I was like, you know what? I can't refute that.

How does that make you feel good about yourself winning a debate with a fucking third grader? You know, I was actually thinking about this shit the other day and I'll probably talk about this on stage someday because I think it's, I think it's funny enough that I'm just not going to do it once here in the podcast. I've made that decision. See all these jokes, you know, it's like,

it's like one of those guys who's next to one of those barrels and he's drinking the fucking whiskey, trying to see if it's okay to give to the public, you know? Reality is just a fucking alcoholic who got his dream job. Kind of like how those pedophiles always somehow get to work at camps. You know? I think we really have to revamp that whole follow your dream. It should be follow your dream unless you're a pedophile.

You know, go follow your heart. You know, go right down that road unless you want to fuck a kid. Then fuck your dreams. I'm sorry. You know, Bill, it's a little early in the morning for some pedophile humor. Well, I don't give a fuck. I haven't even had toast yet. You know, I woke up this morning, boo-doo-doo-doo-doo,

and all I heard was the fucking guilt trip from you guys. Well, we do folks a fucking podcast. I know. I know, I'm a little late. I'm a little late. Like you, I watched a lot of football this weekend, didn't I? Didn't I? Speaking of that, I got a nice email from a football fan.

It says, from a Broncos fan. Bill, go fuck yourself. You know what he's just saying? He's just saying, you know what? I got to admit there, Red Face, you were actually right last week. Huh? How do you guys feel? How do you guys feel?

Now, I'm not talking about Broncos fans, okay? I'm not going to single you motherfuckers out, all right? I got sympathy for you. I know what that's like to be like, here we go. I'm just going to win the shiny thing that I never get to touch. And somehow I'll be fulfilled for 20 minutes before I realize I really had nothing to do with it. And I hate my wife again, right? I'm not shitting on you guys.

My condolences. You know, you're great fans. I don't like your new stadium, though. I like Mile High. I went to a game out there a long fucking time ago. Back in 1999, old Johnny Boy had just left. He was like, I don't need this shit. I'm going to go sell some campers and RVs.

Come on down to John Elway's Big Teeth and Weird Face Ford. We'll give you an F-150, or my name isn't Johnny Elway. All right? You remember those commercials? So, did I really just trash the first ballot hall of famer? I think I did. There's an arrogance you have when you're wearing a bathrobe. It just says, this is my fucking place.

All right? Give me that goddamn newspaper. Is that what it says, Bill? I don't know. It says something making me swing my foot around for some fucking reason. I got to get a pipe. Um, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, I went to a Broncos game a long time ago in Mile High Stadium.

Shaped like a horseshoe. The whole thing fucking made sense. It all made sense. I went to the Broncos Jets. And that was the year that the J-E-T-S Jets, Jets, Jets, this was yet another year where those poor green cunt fans that they have were sitting there going, this is the year we got parcels. We got Keyshawn.

We got Bill, you know. We got fucking Vinny. Oh, Tester Verde, right? And what happens? The first game Vinny blows out his fucking linguine of a goddamn, what do you call it, as Achilles? He goes down. Johnny E's not there for the Broncos.

This is supposed to be a big game. This is supposed to be four and O versus four and O. And it ended up being 0 and four versus 0 and four. Keyshawn Johnson was crying because they didn't have a quarterback. And there was nobody there to give him the damn ball. And I showed up and the scalpers had tons of tickets. And I was like, how much are they? And they were like, face value?

And I didn't even try to knock any more off. I was like, you know what? Not only is that something a good deal, I think that's legal. If you ever look on the back of a lot of those tickets, it says you can't sell it for any more or less than what it's worth, but you can't sell it for what it is worth. At least you could back pre-911. Pre-911, you could do that shit.

So anyways, I'm talking about all you other motherfuckers who just got caught up in that Tim Tebow hype. Did I get any emails from you going, you know what, Bill? I think you were right. I think you hit the nail right on the head, which is the perfect expression when you're talking about a Jesus freak. Right? Am I really going to go do this redneck tour in a couple of weeks

with all these Jesus jokes? I really got to find another person to make fun of when it comes to religion. I just don't know anything else because, you know, I'm not well read. I don't know what you guys worship. What do you guys worship up there in Canada? Some sort of six-legged moose that's also mad and is going to come back and fucking do something to you. This is how we look at Jesus coming back, okay?

There's one of him, there's seven billion of us, so I don't understand what the fuck we're so afraid of. You know? We'll just swarm him. Just hold him down. You don't beat him up. You just hold him down. All right, you're right.

Hey, stop struggling. You're right. You're right. We could be doing better. All right. What are you so fucking mad at? I thought that was one of the deadly sins. Huh?

With your wrath. Is revenge one of the deadly sins? It should be. Anytime I try to remember the deadly sins. You know, I just think of Morgan Freeman standing in the rain. Seven. What the fuck were they? Not any pride, sloth, envy, lust, and wrath.

So revenge isn't in there? But there is that vengeance is mine, said it the Lord. Why don't you stop being so selfish, Lord, and why don't you spread it around? All right, what the fuck am I talking about? I should at least have an English muffin. You know, you guys think this being funny shit is easy. You can't do it on an empty stomach.

It's like boozing on an empty stomach or fucking something else on an empty stomach because my brain's not fucking awake yet. We can tell it's not awake, Bill, because now you're dropping the F-bomb where you don't even need to. Because my brain's not fucking awake yet. All right, and the worst thing you can do

when you got nothing is to start heckling yourself. What you're supposed to do in show business is just put on a smile and start tap dancing and just plowing your fucking way through it. So let's get on with this shit. I told you, motherfuckers, last week that Tim Tebow, as of right now, is not an NFL quarterback, all right?

And all you motherfucking fans were sending me emails, giving me shit, going, you're not giving him any fucking credit, including Paul Verzi, New Jersey's own Paul Verzi, who's now moved to Albany, so he considers himself a New Yorker, but he's not fooling anybody.

You know, we can smell Newark on you, Paul. He was another guy going, hey, you know, you gotta give the guy credit. You gotta give the guy credit. Credit for what? That he beat a team that totally played into his hand. Hey, this guy's running a high school offense. I have an idea.

Let's give him a high school defense. And all he's gotta do is beat single coverage. Holy shit, he did it 10 out of 21 times. See what happens when you go and you face a real fucking team? 45 to fucking 10. Haven't said that. I think the guy's a phenomenal athlete,

but I think he's a phenomenal athlete in the Jim Thorpe sense, in the Bruce Jenner sense. I think this guy is a decathlete. That's what he is. He's not quite big enough to be a quarterback. He's a little too small to be a tight end. Hey, he's a little too thick to be a fucking wide receiver,

but the guy can fucking play. He's got the intangibles. He's a fucking leader. I think he's gonna survive. I don't know what he's gonna do. Who knows? Maybe he'll be a quarterback. All right?

Not with that footwork, though. Can you believe the fucking arrogance of me, the way I trash these fucking professional athletes as if I ever played the game? You know what's even more amazing? You sit there and you fucking listen to it. So what's wrong with you? Like that, I'm passing the buck.

Um, I don't know. So what do we got next week? The Patriots got the Ravens? Ah, Jesus Christ. We actually play a fucking real defense. But you know something? I'm not buying into Joe Flacco. I really don't.

I don't buy into that guy. I have no idea. But I gotta tell you this. This is another thing I fucking called. This is just gonna be the arrogant podcast. Why don't you guys go back a couple of... Whatever the week it was, the Monday after, the Giants lost to the Packers.

Remember that? And I said it eerily looked like when the Patriots beat the Giants that year, we went 16-0. We beat the Giants the final game of the year, yet we gave up like 30-something points. And for some reason a month later, we were like 15-point favorites in the Super Bowl.

And what happened? They came back to beat us. So my prediction was that Eli Manning was gonna go into Green Bay, was gonna beat an undefeated Packers team, go on to win the Super Bowl, at which point there'd be a second-ring. He'd be bigger than Joe Namus,

and Peyton Manning would then become the second-best quarterback in that house. That was my prediction. The only thing that didn't fucking happen was the Packers weren't fucking undefeated. So how about you assholes? Giving me a little bit of credit that like once, one out of every 22,000 predictions I have

actually comes in. That's a pretty good average, right? I don't give a shit. Why am I the only guy that was weird when that guy in the 49ers bursted into tears? If you really look at Jim Harbaugh's face, you could see him. He's like, okay, here we go.

Grown man crying. I don't know what he's crying about. He scored a touchdown. Did he come back from some sort of horrific injury? Did he beat like Ebola or something? Because that looked like the ending of like an after-school special. He scored the touchdown.

He got up instead of being like, yeah, motherfucker. He's like, oh my god, I know I could tell it. All year I was wondering when they were going to throw it to me last. You know, it's actually a great thing that he fucking cried, but you just, as a guy, you just have to look away.

You know, there's no crying in football. Come on. Hold it together. You're supposed to get up. Like, yeah, this is what the fuck we do here in San Francisco. You're not supposed to get up and start crying like fucking a dead Ed McMahon

showed up with one of those giant publishers' clearinghouse checks, you know, and you've been eating meals off a form and grilled for the last fucking 90 years. You're supposed to catch the ball. You're supposed to spike it and do your little fucking give me a sneaker deal dance. That's what the fuck you're supposed to do.

And if you're going to cry for the love of God, keep your fucking helmet on so the rest of us don't have to feel uncomfortable. Isn't that the worst? That was so uncomfortable and then every woman in the room is like, I think that's nice. I think what?

He's happy. They're so full of shit. All they see is a weak man that they can manipulate. I could go out with some guy like that. Then whenever I cut off the pussy because he's not doing what I want him to do, he's going to start crying.

God help me if I ever meet that fucking specimen. Hey, there's a prediction. Which professional athlete is going to be sent to clip of this show and body slam me first? That's going to be fucking ugly. It's really going to be ugly. It's bad enough that I have the physique of a person who's been doing comedy

for the last 20 years, but what makes it even fucking worse is the pastiness of my skin. So whenever I get hit, like the bruise, you can see everywhere. When you have no pigment people, what I'm telling you is first it turns red

and then it becomes a deep purple. That would be fucking hilarious. What's his name? Vernon Davis? I don't fucking know. If he fucking body slammed me and then I got up and then I started crying, except I was crying because it hurt

rather than I achieved a monumental goal. Is that legal? Can anybody take out the guy manual? Is that okay to fucking cry? You know? You know what happened yesterday was we were watching that fucking the end of...

What the hell was that goddamn? Who the hell was playing yesterday? Oh, the Green Bay Giants game. We watched the end of that game and then immediately Nia switched over to the fucking Golden Globes and she was as into that shit as I was into football.

And I, of course, just started shitting on everybody. You know? Those stupid fucking award shows. And Ricky Gervais came out was being cheeky. That sheepish smile he kept doing after every joke

just really let me know that he still wanted to be loved by all those celebrities and it fucking ruined it for me. All right. So she was watching that shit and some fucking guy came out. Let me get into this.

Did you see that guy was speaking like really slowly? The guy who looked like he was from Transylvania. You know, via Saudi Arabia. Did you see that guy who came up there was just really slowly going, when I came up here,

I was thinking I was going to thank blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I thought I would thank blah, blah, blah, blah. So we were doing all these jokes about the guy saying, I have a bomb around my waist. Death to Israel.

And Nia was getting really mad. You know, because she's so, she's so like, you know, don't make fun of anybody unless they're white people with no teeth in the woods. Then you can completely trash them because they're white

and every president, except for this last one, has been white. So evidently that's OK. I don't go, I fucking trash everybody. I trash Sidney Poitier and his fucking attitude coming out. She actually laughed at that.

His dramatic pauses. None of you deserve to be here. I paved the road and you all shat all over it. I was just doing that like he just carries himself. He's fucking actors. I swear to God.

There's something like, you know, have you ever seen a group of people more up their own ass when they sit there talking about the character? I totally respect acting. I think it's the shit. But like, they put athletes to shame. You know?

They're basically, you know, like when an athlete comes on TV, you know, and they're just like, hey, Joe Blow, what happened? Out there today. Well, you know, Joe Blow, when Joe Blow gets the ball, Joe Blow puts it in the end zone

because that's what Joe Blow needs to do and Joe Blow needs more fucking touches, right? Just sitting there talking to the fucking third person. They basically do that, but with an accent. And everybody all of a sudden sounds like their English royalty.

The second you do Shakespeare, they're like fucking Madonna. Madonna is some skank from right outside of Detroit and she walks around like she's been knighted. You know? Like she came out of one of those fucking

inbred vaginas that sits in that castle over there in England. You know? Do you realize how fucking the overlap in that family tree, the royalty, because they can't be, they can't even be bothered

with breeding with anybody worth less than $12 billion. You know what I mean? That's when you're just sitting at the end. Either end of a long fucking, like a 50-yard dining room table and then like, well, sis, I guess it's just you and me.

Time to have a little prince. Right? That's why I can't, like I love movies and that type of shit, but I can't sit there and listen to those fucking people. I just can't listen to them when they get up there and they're like,

you know, the crew, and I want to thank all these, shut up, just grab your shiny thing. This is the one thing I got to tell you though. Those fucking, you gotta admit, every year the plastic surgery gets a little bit better. You know, for as much as you might,

not like celebrities. Um, those people have been putting their faces on the line for the last fucking 40 years. And it's getting to the point, they almost have it down. They still look weird. They're like those chicks in their 50s now

who don't have any wrinkles in their face. They still look weird. You know what I mean? It's like when somebody has an old car and rather than, you know, doing a body off restoration on it, they just kind of, you know, they put some Bondo on it

and they fucking give it a nice shiny coat of paint. That's what their faces look like with that Botox right now. You can't see the dents. You can't see the dings. You can't see any of that shit. They got a nice shiny lacquer. You know, three coats of fucking Botox

right across the forehead. It's a real person smell. Wouldn't that be weird? If you're looking at them, they look like they're in their 20s. There was a lot of hotties there last night. I'm not going to lie to you, but I got to tell you something.

Angelina Jolie, Jesus Christ, did she put on weight or what? What a goddamn fatty she was, huh? Oh, Jesus. And you know what's funny is that, oh my God, Angelina, you look so beautiful tonight. How do you develop those color

but how do you make those so pronounced? Well, every day I eat a cornflake. Um, am I really sitting here talking about an award show? I am. That's what the fuck I did yesterday. I sat there and I watched that shit. Um, alright, let's uh, let's, oh hey,

this is actually sort of an official podcast now. I actually have some advertisers. Um, for instance, Amazon.com everybody. Do you guys buy stuff off of Amazon.com? Sure we all do. Well, this is what you do. If you want to, if this is the thing,

if you want to donate to the podcast, like I've been saying for weeks now, all you do, just rather than go to Amazon.com, if you just go to billbird.com, right, I'm doing it right now, you go to billbird.com, you click on the podcast, bam, just like that, and then right there under the iTunes

is Amazon.com. You click on that, you buy whatever the hell you were going to buy anyways, and they give me a little kickback for driving traffic to Amazon.com. I take that kickback, do I stick it in my pocket and drink some booze? Of course I do, but 10% of it, I kick over to the

Wounded Warriors project, so there you go. And you don't have to do anything else. You don't have to click on some other thing on Amazon.com, you just go there and buy that thing that you probably don't need if you really sit there and think about it. Amazon.com everybody.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Now seriously, a lot of you guys have been doing it, and I really appreciate it. And, you know, because eventually I'm going to be too old to stand up and do stand-up comedy, at which point I'll start sitting down, and it'll get sad.

And then each show will just be me and eight of my hardcore fans in that town, and you're going to be there, and I'm going to make you feel old, I'm going to be old and the whole thing, it's just going to get ugly. Alright, it's going to be like seeing your favorite band 30 years

after you fucking graduated. You know, they got back together, man. And you go down there, right, and they come fucking limping out, and for the first song and a half, they try to recapture their youth before they just finally say, you know what,

we're just going to come out here and crew and shout, shout at the devil. How about that? Shout at the devil. He's the wolf. Something in the night. Ladies, he's a blood stain on the stage.

So anyways, just go to Amazon.com and also everybody, anybody check out the New Napoleon Dynamite show last night? Come on, I know you did. Yeah, last night was the two episode premiere, and I guess it did great in the ratings, and

just keep watching it. What's it on? Fox at 8.30, and there you go, that was fucking horrific. You know what it was? I had to sit here and I had to hit pause to figure out the damn TV schedule, and I'm looking at Fox's

they say it's not going to be on again until January 29th. Napoleon gets his own dream job as a Liger. I just love the fact, because I love cartoons, and I just love that they got the original cast back. I think that's awesome. There's nothing worse

than when they try and get somebody who just sounds like the guy. You know? It's like all those Sinatra impersonators out there, and the whole time. You're just like, wow, this guy almost sounds like the guy who would have sold out Madison Square Garden,

but instead we're at an Olive Garden. Right? You know what I'm going to do next week? I'm going to make sure I have a fucking English muffin before I try this crap. Alright, please. Watch Napoleon Dynamite on Fox 8.30 every goddamn week. They got the original cast.

I don't know what more you want. What are you going to do? Are you going to watch The Real Housewives? How old are they at this point? If you guys see that new fucking movie, Nia was showing me that movie about that whale. Those whales trapped under the ice. And Drew Barrymore has like a fucking

romantic moment where she sort of cocks her head to the side under the water, like, oh, I think that whale's communicating with me. That, my friends, is a high-grade piece of shit. Alright? That's the kind of movie that should have

not even gone, you know what, that one should go direct to the video stores because they don't fucking exist anymore. You know what I'm doing right now? I'm burning every fucking possible bridge that I could even have in this business because you know why?

I'm hungry. I got my bathrobe on and I'm feeling entitled. Oh, he's dangerous. He doesn't give a fuck. Alright, let's get back to the goddamn podcast. Alright, State of the Country. Hello, Bill. You've been traveling around the U.S. a lot in the last decade or two

and since your profession is basically to observe the world around you, I would like to ask you a question. What changes have you seen in the U.S.? I don't travel much, so I would like your opinion. Is our country crumbling beneath us? Are the potholes bigger in Texas

than in California? Do people in the red states have Colt 45 strapped to their waist? Is our population getting dumber and fatter? What is the biggest change you've noticed since you started on the road? Um... I would say

technology. Two biggest things. Technology and 9-11. Those are the things that changed my world the most. You know? When I started people,

I guess the internet existed. You know what I mean? The way oil existed in the fucking ground when we were cavemen but nobody decided to drill it because there wasn't any cars yet. You know, no one was on the fucking internet. Alright, so...

I don't know. Nobody had cell phones. Nobody had video cameras. They had that shit, but it was gigantic. So I'm just talking about me as a fucking performer. Like standing on stage now, the amount of people texting

or trying to record the show or just not paying attention, looking at their smart phones while their faces light up. That has changed. For someone to email directly somebody that they saw on stage and fucking trash them. I would say that's probably

the biggest change I've seen. And yes, I did make it all about me. As far as the potholes and that type of stuff and people getting fatter. Have they gotten fatter? I don't know. They were always kind of fat.

And I just think that there's just stories that they like talking about. Like when I started out everybody was gonna get AIDS. Nobody was safe. Everybody had to get tested. It was the end of the fucking world. The CIA created it and we were all gonna die.

And now, if you go in as a straight guy, they'll be like, are you heterosexual? Do you shoot drugs? Alright, I'll test you for it. But I'm telling you, you gotta fuck like Magic Johnson to get the shit if you're in that category.

Not saying you shouldn't wear a condom because everything else seems to eat through it. That's disgusting. That's actually a good question. What have I seen that has changed? I'll tell you, in the sporting world everybody went from the old school stadiums that only sports fans

would want to go to because there was very few luxury boxes and all you could get was beer, hot dogs, peanuts and regular stuff. And now that there are all these fancy ass fucking stadiums that has changed.

Baseball stadiums. Baseball stadiums used to be just when I started out with dumps and I went to every one of them. County stadium, Old Tiger stadium, Shea stadium, Old Yankee stadium,

what the fuck else did I go? Wrigley Field, the King Dome, the Astrodome. I went to the fucking Royals before they fixed it up. Some of them were nice. Bush stadium I went to. I went to pretty much

every one that they knocked down. Veteran stadium, Three Rivers stadium. I went to all those and they were fucking dumps, but I loved them because I grew up watching games there, watching this weekend baseball, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.

And that show was the shit by the way. Because you didn't have a 24 hour sports station. So once a week you got to watch the highlights from around the league. I mean you missed everything. You fucking missed everything. You used to open the sports page and you had to squint to find out what the fuck

happened on any other sports team besides your own. Unless it was the playoffs. Then obviously they would cover it and then they had the game on a week. So I would say like the biggest thing that has changed is technology and then 9-11.

You do anything like there's such cunts on the airline right now because all they have to do is just bring up 9-11. That's their version of just screaming rape. And then the bouncer comes over and just fucking kicks the shit out of you.

Hey can I get a pillow please? We don't have any pillows. Why not? Why are you being hostile? Man, why are you a cunt? What does that have to do with terrorism? I'm asking for a fucking pillow. Sorry.

So I would say that that's changed the most. Other than yet, yeah, it's just shit that you realized that yeah, the dollar. You know another thing that's really changed? I don't know what the fuck people do for jobs anymore. When I started as a comedian it was like I'm in construction.

I'm a dentist. Like it was tangible shit. I work in a warehouse. I drive a truck. And now everybody's got those fucking computer jobs. I don't even know what they do. I work at a company. We make this. Do you make it here?

No. They make it over in Thailand and I'm some sort of go-between that sits in a cubicle with reams of paper every day and I play Angry Birds whenever my dad my dad, whenever my boss is at looking. I would say that

that's kind of changed. But as far as the potholes, I haven't really noticed that. It still looks the same. I'll tell you what is concerning to me is they have a giant fountain out here in LA and this year they didn't light it up for Christmas. Everybody has like that one little touristy

attraction thing that you have and they always light it up during Christmas. They didn't do that out here in LA and I find that really disturbing and it made me want to get a gun and which I am going to do despite

Nia's I don't know. She kind of like respects the fact that I want a gun. You know? It's weird. She's a typical human being. Human being. Typical broad, you know? She wants me, she like

tries all the time to mold me into her best girlfriend and then when I fight her on it she like fucking respects me but is still fucking annoyed. So like she's always going to be mad at me. You just can't fucking win. You know?

Unless you just give in to the fact that you're going to argue and you know what it is? Surviving in a fucking relationship it's like World Series of Poker where you really have a good hand but you just bluff that you do.

You just bluff that you have a better hand than your partner and you're like go ahead. Walk away. Try and find someone else. You know? That's basically what you have to do every four days. You know? Over anything.

I thought I told you to sweep up the floor I wanted to get the fuck out if you don't like it. Who bought the broom? I don't care how much it cost who bought it? You gotta do that every couple of days. I've actually gotten

much better at that shit. You know what it is? We moved into a little old house out here and I realized what a stereotypical guy I am. I bitched at first when Nia took the best room for her little fucking her little space

when I got banished out into the garage that I was doing but I gotta tell you something I fucking love the goddamn garage. You know? This weekend, you know what I did? During playoff football I went out there during half time to do my quick little Billy Redface fucking

workout. You know? I bought this I bought this chin up dip station stand alone thing, you know? Did I go out and buy the top of the line? Fuck no I didn't. I bought the $139 one and I gotta tell you

it's the shit. Sure it rocks a little bit because my garage floor isn't level I'll tell you what's fucking unreal is I got that thing, alright? It weighed like 9,000 pounds so I dragged this thing downstairs to the garage and

I fucking you know I'm not the handiest of people here. I didn't grow up doing that shit you know? I had like one crescent wrench and other than that I had a bunch of wooden sticks that I pretended were guns

and I played cowboy and Indians way longer than was socially acceptable that's what I did, alright? So I get this fucking thing and I try not to lose my shit when I'm putting something together. I saw this thing and right off the bat I'm like this thing's gonna be a motherfucker

to put together, alright? So the first thing I do is I lay out everything. I don't do what I usually do is I just start putting the thing together and then get upset when I screw two things together that you know one thing from step one and one thing from step nine so I lay all this shit out

you know? Spend that fucking 15 minutes making sure I have every goddamn screw and everything and the numbers aren't adding up okay? So I get it to basically to the point where 80% of it makes sense to me

and I start building this motherfucker at about 9 o'clock at night alright? I didn't finish by the time I came upstairs granted I cleaned up afterwards. It was 1.08 in the morning fuck you

but I put every fucking screw in the way it was supposed to go. If you watched a fast video of me putting this thing together you would see me go you know halfway through step one take it apart again all the way through step one halfway through step two back down to step one

all the way to step five back to step two I just I was getting to the point I'm like you know I had a 50-50 chance of putting that fucking thing on the correct way. You know right side up. You know that thing when you go

when you go to lift your knees up to your chest they got that pad right behind you so the thing is angled back 45 degree angle backwards and I had it I had the fucking thing upside down where now it was like going away from your body rather than up against it

you know or into your body I should say and I had already gone through like another there's one of those things where you needed two crescent wrenches and all that type of shit but I gotta tell you something I fucking finished that and I was only used up all the screws. I only had two pieces left

over and for the fucking life of me I can't figure out where they went. There's some sort of like these they look like door hinges so I know they're supposed to the top half and the bottom half they're supposed to reinforce it but for the life of me I don't know where the fuck they went because these directions sucked

I know you think I blame in the direction but I'm telling you they had a typo on page 2 where they said you screw number 18 that's what the picture said and then in the words underneath it said number 19 so what the fuck was I supposed to do go fuck yourself so anyways

I've been fixing up I don't know what the hell I'm talking about now I've been fixing up my goddamn garage and I love it out there I swear to God I am gonna put a steel door on my garage that only I have a key to and I'm just gonna you know whenever knee

pisses me off I'm just gonna go downstairs to the garage you can have the rest of the fucking house right is there any problem in that I don't think there is so anyways so I've been telling her I want to get a gun I want to get I just want to have one you know just fucking walk around

in my robe with that thing tucked right into my fucking what the fuck oh god damn it what the fuck do you call what Terry clothed belt what the fuck is a bathroom made out of alright you know what I guarantee you this is gonna be

the worst podcast of 2012 I'm never gonna fucking do one on an empty stomach anyways where are my references I don't know where the fuck they are god damn so early in the morning out here my back is still out that's how old I am I got to wake up I got to stretch out my fucking

Achilles tendons and I have to stretch my back or when I go into the bathroom and I fucking brush my teeth if I'm even slightly bent towards the sink my back goes out can you fucking believe that and I told jokes for the last 20 years

alright let's go to the advice maybe there's some funny over here um advice dear bill when I was a young man and in high school my parents would never allow me to be in my bedroom with a young lady whose parents unless the door

remained open yeah cause they didn't want you to fuck her um however I had some lady friends whose parents would allow us to be in a bedroom with the door close and for me door close equals that young lady is

getting pounded out parentheses made love to yeah that's kind of weird huh that's cause women are masters of manipulation guys are like why can't I have the door closed I'm trying to fuck her right that's what we do but

women are just like um just listen this is I'm trying to have some me time I just need to door close we're just I say I don't know what the fuck they would say I don't even know how to talk my way into that um anyway so now I'm getting older

I was wondering what kind of a father I would be door closed or door open and I have to say if I have a daughter there would be no way I would have her in there with some young fella and my reason would be that I don't want anybody sticking that dick in my daughter under my roof and possibly

getting her pregnant absolutely sir absolutely total logic uh and then he said but what if your daughter was gay would you have the same rules about the bedroom door um there's no threat of pregnancy and you're no longer protecting

daddy's little girl from the big bad wolf now think about the same situation if it were your gay son I'd love to hear your thoughts um let's see well first of all you're giving me credit that I would realize

that my son or daughter was already gay you know let's say I realized that um it all depended on how I handled my son or daughter being gay you know which is I'd like to think I could handle it

I don't know I think that that would still be in a job I'm being totally honest I would still have to adjust to that just being totally fucking honest because I don't have any problem with gay people at all but I'm not gonna lie to you

that would have to be like okay alright come on Bill be fucking mature about this you know I'm not mature enough I'd have to deal with that so when I leave the door closed I would have a double standard if it was a couple of ladies that wouldn't bug me but if it was guys

I'd be like hey guys leave the fucking door open okay you can hold hands but for me for me could you just do it for your dad alright just delay this for a minute and just let me wrap my fucking head around this alright I've already given up on the fact

that you're gonna fucking follow in my footsteps now I have to deal with this alright that's totally fucking honest and I'm sure people will be like that's fucking homophobic which I love which I love you know being honest is fucking homophobic

you know when I just fucking said what most people would actually probably do it's a fuck it's an adjustment anytime anytime you kid your daughter comes home she shaved half her fucking head alright and she died the other side blue

you can be like dude what the fuck did you do you stepped outside then do everybody else you're gonna freak out a little bit rather than looking at it like you know what that takes a lot of balls that's actually you really don't give a fuck what other people think that's a very strong thing to do at that age I didn't have the balls

to do that this actually this exercise will help you become a better person you gotta go through the freak out first so I'm just being honest you know Nia wouldn't give a shit you know which is why I'm with her she balances me out

so go fuck yourselves I don't need a lecture alright you cunts alright alright number two Bill I've had this girl who's been a friend since pre kindergarten I have had a crush on since then

I have asked her out I think since middle school now we're freshmen in college and each time she has turned me down you know what I'm still thinking about that other one alright let's say I had three kids and two of them were clearly straight and one of them was gay

that'd be a lot easier they are alright fuck it you know and this isn't homophobic this all has to do with me and my own insecurities you know because every guy you're gonna start off you want your kid to be

quarterback of the fucking football team and then all of a sudden the dudes RuPaul and bar on your mom's clothes I mean there's gonna be a moment you can be like fuck before you deal with him like you know what that's my son I love him no matter what that's where I would end up he's my son

I love him no matter what but I would I would have to adjust you know aren't I allowed that am I allowed an adjustment well why do you have to adjust I don't fucking because I do

look I don't even like people touching me okay I got a lot of things I have to adjust on you know I was down the comedy store last night and Bobby Lee whenever he talks to me he always fucking touches me because he knows I can't fucking stand it

but Bobby is just small enough where you can't get mad at him like he knows you're not gonna do anything to him so that's what he does and the more uncomfortable you get the more effemently he'll touch your shoulder and he just laughs his ass off at you right so I'll fuck

you I got issues alright but my heart's open so go fuck yourselves alright number two Bill I've had a crush I've had this girl I've been friends with since pre-kindergarten who I've had a crush on since then I have asked her out I think some think since middle school now we're freshmen in college

and each time she has turned me down so I've been cool with it until a couple of months ago uh month ago when she starts dating my best friend oh Jesus

there's a nice fucking kick to you ah this caught me off guard but after sometime their relationship falls apart I asked my best friend if it was cool if I try my hand at dating her he was cool with it so we start hanging out going to the movies

out to eat cuddling at her place dude this is brutal so what if you fall in love with this and then your best friend's already banged her you know then you gotta deal with that anyways so during this time I would ask her out and she always had an excuse her dad was racist

not a good time in her life dude talk about the opposite the entire spectrum of excuses my dad's racist this just isn't a good time in my life um my mom thinks you people should be

eliminated from the planet I got my period good lord um anyways about three weeks ago she springs a fucking surprise on me and she tells me that she started

she's starting dating an older guy as we were snuggling up on the couch and she wants me to meet him alright you know what I don't know how many more fucking red flags you need that this girl is out of her

fucking mind she's all over the place and you're sitting there coming up with your heart right on one of those silver fucking trays you're standing there dressed like a goddamn butler in Batman just lining yourself up for this

anyway she goes the guy looked like Brian Poseid and Artie Lang had a love child two of the funniest fucking guys I know by the way okay I'm not trashin' either one of them I'm just reading this fucking email uh but here's the problem she still flirts with me

and invites me over to her house and we cuddle go to the movies all that so does she want me or is she just fucking with me uh dude now I know all of that was in your head and then you wrote it alright but now that you've heard me

read it out loud don't you already have your answer alright and I'm not judging you because I've been that age I've been that fucking age alright where you're just sitting there you're so into somebody that you're just you know and then you go through the bullshit you get your heart stomped on

and it takes a good two three fucking years later before you look back on it go I almost I in a weird way deserve that I was so fucking stupid you know I mean what you're doing with your heart is the equivalent of going up going to the zoo and walking up to like the polar bear

you know encasement and just jumping into the water and as the polar bears going to the water like am I crazy or is that thing gonna maul me to death um yeah this girl's out of her mind she's out of her mind

and she's not gonna fuck you because you're sitting there cuddling with her the more you're cuddling with her with her all you're doing is you're build every day you're adding another row of bricks between you and her pussy okay so what you gotta do is just leave this girl alone

okay and if she ever comes back into your life there's gotta be enough time and then just go into the two minute offense alright no huddle hurry up offense and then maybe you can banger alright that's it

see look at this I already feel bad about saying that that whole thing about having a gay kid see that that's all it took it just took ten minutes ten minutes alright this is the deal if I had a gay kid it wouldn't I'd be able to get past it it wouldn't bug me but you can't close the door if you guys if you women have at it I have a double standard

go fuck yourself hahahaha alright son you can be gay but you gotta be on top that's it alright because you're carrying my family name that's why you can't be a bottom until you move out of this house

alright that's it um alright number what the fuck am I number three alright dear bill last year I broke up with my girlfriend of two years she was always kind of a basket case um

but nothing ever too severe towards the end of the relationship she began to treat me like shit especially when she was drunk in public yeah because she wanted to break up with you and didn't know how that's probably why finally I called it quits however being the horny lazy 21 year old I am

let me guess you ran right back to the hornet's nest didn't ya um I decided to keep hooking up with her for several months everything but sex ah Jesus yeah she's slowly tearing the bandaid off um this seemingly worked out

because we shared a group of friends and everything seemed fine yes I know I was an idiot alright I'm gonna guess where this is gonna go um one night she starts making out with like your best friend that's what I'm guessing alright eventually I start telling her that I was going to try and see other girls

and that we should stop but when it didn't work out with them I went back to getting with her yeah dude you're fucking lazy what are you doing so finally after months of this shit I told her that enough was enough it was at this point that she confessed to me she had been with a very good

friend of mine bang several times now I know what you guys are thinking he reads this shit before no I didn't I swear to God alright I already called the giants beating the fucking packers a month ago I don't need to be right about this alright

this is all out of experience oh you fucking cunt here we go with a very good friend of mine several times both before and after oh before and after a breakup now why did she

confess that to you you know what it is there's such fucking cunts she kept you around as you know she was getting over you and now you pulled the ripcord first which is what she wanted to do so now what she's trying to do she's trying to hurt you

so she asked to tell you that there's such cunts you know something I wouldn't even know if I broke up with Nia how to somehow insert myself into her friendship with her best friends to fucking ruin that anyways

when I asked her questions she said she made out with them several times had a couple of hand jobs slash fingering escapades at this point I was fucking furious but I kept my cool that's good man don't give her that satisfaction

I showed up unannounced at his place the next day and asked him if it was true he told me that she was lying and that they had only drunkenly made out once after the breakup I went back and forth between the two of them until finally he fessed up and confirmed

that her story was true I haven't spoken to him since around August and since then I have ceased contact with the ex-girlfriend and have a new 10 times better girlfriend in my life more sex nicer non-psycho good for you

the other day the guy texted me with this I was wondering if I could take you to coffee or something soon I want to apologize in person if not I understand to which I replied I'll be in touch

this guy was a dear friend of mine and since I found out about the cheating he has respectfully kept his distance despite the fact that he used to be at my place all the time and still hangs out with my roommates in addition in the next few months we'll be working together on a project for school

and there's nothing I can do to change that what should I do here I'm not really a grudge holding kind of guy but this motherfucker was screwing around with my girl hanging out with me the next in addition the girl said that the reason she started acting so mean towards me

so mean to me towards the end of the relationship was because of the guilt she had regarding the cheating fucking broads he writes and the guy tried to weasel his way out of it when I confronted him with the truth it's the worst I've ever been betrayed by a friend

I don't know if I could stomach having this guy hanging out with my roommates in my house knowing what he did but some say forgiveness is better than staying angry I don't want to look like a bitch that can be walked over what should I do um

alright the vindictive side of me says go back and become best friends with this guy and then run into your ex-girlfriend and fucking laugh at her as you compare notes about what's the best way to finger her alright which is stupid this is what you should do

meet the guy for coffee you know he says he's sorry say don't worry about it and when he says hey can we be friends again be like no no we can't I totally forgive you God bless you

good luck in life I look forward to working with you on this project but no we can't be friends you know you're goddamn fox in the fucking hen house I'm gonna let you back in the hen house go fuck yourself I got a new girlfriend give me a favor good luck but you know what dude I know you feel bad

about what you did but at the end of the day you're a guy who will try and fuck your best friend's girlfriend I don't want a friend like that in my life okay but you don't have to feel awkward around me I'll see you in the fucking bars

we'll fist bump and all that shit I'll have a beer with you but no that's it and there you go and that's your keys to happiness you gotta cut people out fuck that guy if that guy was in the mob what he did

he would get whacked okay so what you're doing is you're not in the mob you're gonna whack this guy in a way that you're not in the mob which is you're just like oh my god I'm like so not talking to you that's what people who aren't in the mob that's what you gotta do fuck him

fuck that guy you know I know he's young and fucking immature there may be ten years down the fucking road when he's married and miserable or whatever who knows but dude you don't need shit like that this is your life right now you're trying to find the right fucking woman

you're gonna spend the rest of your life with and then you gotta put together your fucking untouchables your group of friends you wanna have friends that you know that if you were away and you said hey look after my girl the guy wouldn't try and fuck her

that's a very hard find that's a very hard friend to find and that guy isn't he flunked the door test don't figure my girlfriend when I'm not around test he flunked it you fucking dead to me but yeah forgive the guy so you don't carry this anger around

that's what I would do but don't let that guy back in you know he did it once he's gonna do it again right frog in the scorpion can't help it that's who I am alright hey Bill I'm Alex and I never thought

I'd be the I never thought I'd be the guy with the high school sweetheart here I sit though having only fucked three women over the past 21 years and feeling pretty decent about it I started off wait let me read that again I'm Alex

and I never thought I'd be the guy with the high school sweetheart here I sit though having only fucked three women over the past 21 years and feeling pretty decent about it I gotta admit dude you know you saved yourself a lot of pain missed out on a lot of fun though

anyways I started dating Biff I guess he's given a fake name when I was 18 and ended up taking her virginity three years later we are still fucking oh over 21 years you just mean you're 21 years old

I thought 21 years since you started fucking oh alright only fucked three women over the last 21 years that was really weird worded in a weird way were you supposed to get pussy when you were 5 you're doing alright

you're a little behind but you know you're not gonna get sent down to the minors if you have one of those it was a relationship you don't cheat that's a good thing alright three years later we are still fucking it's all very dope but I worry about the amount of dicks she has experienced

I mean I'm sure we'll be broken up and hating each other at some point in the near future but what if this awesome relationship continues until my pubes are withered and I can't get it up basically we're in college I think we should both be having more moments that fill us with self loathing

am I keeping her from a healthy number of big minority cocks jammed in her hole where the hell did that come from should I just be happy that this girl is willing to fuck me on a regular basis I don't know Bill any advice would be appreciate it

appreciate it Alex stop putting the fact that you want to fuck other people on your girlfriend that's what I think you're doing either that or you're unbelievably insecure about the size of your own dick and that she wants to go bang somebody else I have no idea you gotta figure out what it is

alright do you want to go bang a bunch of other women you gotta let this one go you gotta let this one go alright if you're fucking insecure about something else um you're just gonna mind fuck yourself right out of this relationship

alright if she's gonna break up with you let her make that decision don't don't make it for her by being an overbearing psychopath that's what I would say alright so there you go good luck to you alright overrated underrated underrated

underrated not biting the hand that feeds you uh don't fuck the girl who works at Subway and then not call her back when her store location is closest to your job now you gotta

drive 15 minutes out of your way to get lunch just cause you didn't like the way your vagina looked ah dude you know what this is what you do go back to that Subway just come in there with a big smile on your face

look just because some girl fucked you doesn't mean you owe her a phone call afterwards you don't all you're doing is giving her false hope you ripped the bandaid off all I wanted to do was bang you that's what we did and that's it alright I don't understand

why you have to like let them down easily you know I just love how women act like sex doesn't feel good for them too you know I let you have sex with me no you had sex with me

feels good to both of us I made you feel good you made me feel good alright why do you still gotta get some more I just don't fucking understand that it's all how you play it off look you should have gone in there now it's gonna be a little weird cause you haven't been in there for a while

but what you should have done you gotta what you gotta do you're banging the night before alright the very next day you walk in there big smile hey how you doing let me get a fucking something on a something with a something

and let me get some lettuce and tomato you know what are you doing tonight I'm hanging out with the guys we're gonna watch gonna watch a game what are you doing blah blah that's cool see do you wanna like hang out again sometime

I know hey I had a good time you know just whatever just be like look you know I'm at this point in my life you know I'm not looking for a girlfriend and they'll try to be fucking douchey to you but you just go look I'm just being honest with you you know I don't want to hurt you I had a great time with you last night I had a great time

you know I'm not one of these guys who walks around town saying anything we had a fun time you just leave how do you get mad at that you know stop acting like I raped you no that's shit that I wish I knew when I was younger that how much women appreciate that sort of honesty

you know anytime you're on a fucking date and they do it where is this going nowhere I'm just having a good time you know just have a good time with me alright this is not gonna develop into a relationship that's what I feel right now

I just feel this isn't gonna develop into a relationship but I'm really physically attracted to you alright and I'm telling you you can open the door to them starting to think well here's a guy that I can do all this nasty shit that I want to try but I'm worried that I'm gonna be judged

if this guy actually has feelings for me there you go right there treat me like the fuck stick that I am what the fuck is wrong with me alright that's the podcast for this week everybody um

hey let me uh let me I'm back out on the road my little vacation is over and I'll tell you right now my stand up vacation is over and it couldn't fucking happen soon enough because as you notice this podcast you know starting to taper off haven't been on stage you know this is the calm before the storm

now I got a whole bunch of dates coming up and I wanted to uh you know I just want to chill out before I fucking build up right before I do my special and by the way tickets are on sale for my next stand up special if you guys

wanted to go to uh a taping of one of my specials I'm gonna be in Washington DC at the Lincoln Theater on March 3rd um if you go to billbird.com click on shows it's the last one we have listed down there if you can't make it to that one I got a whole bunch of other things

this weekend around the country I'm gonna be at the house of blues in Houston Texas on January 20th January 21st first I'll be at the Paramount Theater in Austin Texas and then I do my redneck tour mother fuckers alright

February 7th I'm gonna be in Charlotte North Carolina how funny is this I just realized it's black history month and I'm doing the redneck tour these fucking people are gonna be extra angry and drunk why do they get a whole month fuck you you freckle face fucker

um comedy zone Charlotte North Carolina February 7th big shout out to Rick Flair Charlotte North Carolina if you're there please come out funniest mother fucker ever best guy I ever saw on the mic

February 8th the stardome comedy club in Alabama and then I'm gonna be at the Buckhead Theater in Hot Lanna Atlanta Georgia and uh then I got some gigs in New Jersey I'm doing the Fox Theater in Connecticut

Westbury New York a lot of East Coast shit that's what I got going on so please come on out to a show I got my new DVD with me preparing to make my next DVD oh my god you know what I forgot to tell you guys this is a lot I'll tell you a story this last thing I'm gonna tell you

I did uh you know I've been playing pickup hockey once a week out here in California and uh it's been fucking great I finally bought a new pair of skates you know fucking phenomenal told you my last pair I bought

1985 Bauer Panthers and then I bought a new pair of Bowers what's that 27 years fucking later I feel like I'm out there skating in my socks it's like I'm wearing slippers it's unbelievable so anyways one of the guys long story one of the guys knows a guy

who knows a guy who fucking works for the LA Kings don't ask me how but we got to play a pickup game at the Staples Center are you jealous well you should be dude it was like skating on the fucking moon it's the only way to describe it

it's as smooth as fucking ice it was like they had a gravity knob and they turned it down a good like 15 fucking percent I mean I suck but I saw guys they had unbelievable stick handling and they got on that ice and the puck was sliding so smoothly

they even had to adjust to that did I score a goal no I didn't I didn't even were blowing the fucking horn when you scored they had refs was fucking awesome was awesome and I actually

made one play on defense and the goalie said nice play defense it filled me up like I was a fucking 8 year old what a god I'm still mentally a child was fucking awesome one of the greatest things I ever got to do so anyways people this is the life you can lead

if you don't get married and you don't have kids I'm telling you you can do shit like that I'm just fucking with you you know what you can do all of that you can do all of it you can have it all you know

you can bang the chick it's subway and you can come in there the next day and get a goddamn Italian BMT whatever the fuck they call it and you don't have to bang her again and you can be fucking cool if you just walk in there and you just be cool yeah I had a great fucking time

alright not too much mail on that alright that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week oh NFL predictions next week ah Patriots Ravens

ah Jesus I have no fucking idea I think I'm hoping the Patriots are gonna win ugly and by win ugly I mean we're gonna score a hard 23 points and we're gonna win like 23-21 nail biter right down to the fucking end

our defense really has to fucking step it up and I'm hoping that Ed Reed I never wish injury on anybody but I was when he came down awkwardly in the end zone I definitely was not upset ah I didn't wish it on him I was excited good

maybe he'll be a little slower because they the fucking Ravens are no joke they're just no joke and I love how little amount of time they've been in this league yet the sound of their fan base maybe because it's

old cult fans but I don't know those fans have their shit together those are real fucking fans and that's a badass franchise even like that logo that looks like some sort of old school family crest like they conquered some fucking I don't know storm some

castles or some shit it's gonna be a rough fucking game I have no idea giants 49ers um I think the difference is gonna be quarterback and I gotta give the nod to Eli over Alex Smith

but I can't underestimate Jim Harbaugh and how fucking amped up he gets his team it's gonna be you know what fuck this I'm gonna pick I'm picking the 49ers

I'm picking the 49ers wait where is that game that's gonna be in San Francisco I'm picking the 49ers I just think that they they that's like a that was like a dormant volcano out there their fan base and now all of a sudden

that Joe Montana Steve Young vibe is back and uh I think Harbaugh is just a fucking great coach they got an unbelievable defense fuck it my gut says 49ers although I think Eli is the goddamn man

Eli is the fucking man he finally got his due when he deserves it so that's it so I alligator arm picked the 49ers because my hot I gotta go with the Patriots win an ugly 2320 um

ah Jesus Christ I hope it happens that's it that's the podcast for this week I hope you guys all have a good week go fuck yourselves even though woolly mammoths have been extinct for tens of thousands of years with the metaverse students will be able to go back to the ice age to visit them the metaverse

may be virtual but the impact will be real learn more www.youtube.com