Monday Morning Podcast - Monday Morning Podcast 1-16-17

Episode Date: January 17, 2017

Bill rambles about days off, Michael Strahan and football playoffs.

Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, January 16th 2017. What's going on? How are you? How are you everybody? And happy Martin Luther King Day to everybody. You know, happy Martin Luther King Day. You know, for those you that mean something to you, for those you just, yeah, you know, it's another day off. It's just like when it's Georgie or Abie's birthday in February. Do we get those days off? The two whiteies there? The two whiteies in February. I believe it's in February, right? During Black History Month. You still got a shoehorn George Washington Day and Lincoln's birthday in there, correct? Then you got another whitey in whitey. You got another whitey

in March with St. Patrick, huh? Your pasty face fucking son of a bitch. Right? Then in April, who do you got? Oh, here comes Peter, caught in tail, hopping down the bunny trail, right? With his old little white bunny, yes, right? Then what do you got? You got in May. Who's that? Is that Abe Vagoda Day? I don't know. I run out somewhere around there. Those are weird. The dog days of the year. It's like fucking, you know, flag day. Then I always get Memorial Day and Labor Day. Memorial Day is May, right? Memorial Day, yeah, Memorial Day is in May. We recognize all the veterans, you know, that fought for your freedom so you can sit around and eat fucking dip and shit, right? Changing all your fucking VCR tapes over to fucking DVDs

and then to a little fucking stick, whatever the fuck it is you do that day, right? And you got July 4th, so everybody can go around and fucking, you know, trade stories about their uncle that blew his fucking fingers off because he never got married. He was trying to impress his nephews and nieces, right? You're so cool looking, Jimmy. Right? See, you see that right there, son? You see that right there? That's why I told you, your uncle Jimmy ain't no fucking good, all right? So I don't want him. Quit your crap. Or I don't want to hear it no more. We ain't going over uncle Jimmy's, okay? He's over there with loose fucking women and he's playing with them firecrackers, right? So that's July 4th.

Then August, August is kind of like a month that's up for grabs. No Jewish holidays. No, hey, remember Jesus did this for you? What do you say to him, Muslims? What do you got? You got something that month? How about you, Buddhists? Buddhists don't give a shit, right? They're like, hey, man, like every day is for everybody. And it's just like, as long as we're sitting around and feeling the breeze, that's what I'm trying to be. You know, I'm trying to be that person. Today was going to be my 10th day in a row to meditate, but I didn't. I woke up late and I had to take my lady over to the doctors and I just got up late. You know, I had this fucking weird ass dream too. I had this weird dream where I went out my back porch and I was watching these helicopters

flying in formation and dive bomb in my neighborhood. I was like, what the fuck are they doing that for? And then one of them lost control and I had this weird view from my house that I've never had before and it was just basically the cockpit, you know, in the engine, that part in the skids. No main rotor, no tail, no tail rotor, nothing else. And for some reason it wasn't tipping over in falling to the ground like a fucking trash can or most likely inverting. It just fucking, it just went straight and it sort of landed and I ran down there. I was in my underwear because you're always in your underwear in your dreams, right? You never have your pants on. It's so fucking weird. There's always that level of humiliation, no matter what's going on. I can't

find my pants, right? Anyway, so the fucking thing lands. So I run up and then I'm thinking like, wait a minute, do I want to see the carnage that is in there? And then all these people showed up with like cell phone cameras and stuff and I was standing there in my underwear and I ran home. That was that, there you go. There's your dream to interpret for the week, all right? Because I'm not going to therapy anymore because I spent enough fucking money, you know, with somebody daydreaming with a goddamn notebook, right? And none of them ever look like that brought on the supranos. Let's be honest, right? Yeah, so I start, I woke up late, all right? So I need to fucking relax, quiet my mind, make it more of a still pond. Whenever a rock falls into the pond, what happens?

The water's ripple, yes. The water's ripple. And if too many rocks fall in, what happens? There starts to be a storm. And this is what I want you to pay attention to today during today's meditation. Is your brain a still pond? Or can you hear the screaming, watery death of 1,200 passengers going under the water of your mind? Sorry, I lost it. I don't know what the fuck I was talking about. Anyways, I have some apologies this week. Apology number one, I owe an apology to the fucking Atlanta Falcons. I owe an apology to the Houston Texans. I owe an apology to Meryl Streep, evidently, according to Twitter, according to one person. All right, let's start with the Seattle Seahawks, right? You know, I thought those were going to

be the dirty, filthy, stinking, disease-carrying birds that were going to win that game. I said last week, and I kind of quote, you know who got off easy this weekend, the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks. Because the Cowboys and the Packers are going to beat the fuck out of each other. And the Steelers and the fucking Chiefs are going to beat the shit out of each other, right? And then all we got to do is play the winner, assuming that these two teams were just going to waltz to the AFC and NFC Championship game as if that is a given. Well, let's start with the Atlanta Falcons. I picked the wrong dirty birds. Very impressive win. And I know Seattle fans are going to be like we had some major injuries, which they did coming into the game,

and then they lost another guy. I understand that, okay? I totally understand that Seattle fans. You're 100% right. Christ, I can hear you crying from here. Your stadium is so loud. Oh my God, and those Seattle, see, they're so fucking loud. I'm so sick of ESPN fucking like just ignoring that entire fact. They just don't, do you know what it is? You know what it is? They can't, they have the ability to separate themselves from the truth. That's what I really respect from ESPN is they can just separate themselves with truth and just go for the fucking money. They don't give a shit about what's right or none of them give a fuck. They're just saying shit to say shit. So idiots like me get upset and yell at their fucking TV and keep watching.

And then what do they do? They get some more habit, dashery, right? They get a bigger fucking, whatever the fuck it is they're after over there, a new tie tack. I don't know. I don't know what motivates people that want to sit around in suits talking about sports. Why do they wear suits, by the way? Can anybody explain that to me? Why are they all sitting there like they're on Meet the Press when they're, I just, I don't fucking understand it, you know? And it's contagious. Talking, standing in a fucking suit, talking about sports is so fucking contagious. Ben Rothlisberger, Ben Big Ben, I ain't wearing no fucking helmet when I ride a motorcycle, showed up dressed, dare I say dressed to the fucking night. He looked like a million bucks

from the fucking neck down. His suit was fucking sharp. He had a pocket square, the tie, the shirt, the whole fucking thing. He was killing it. Okay? OJ would have got off this a second time if he wore that fucking suit he had on Sunday. However, from the neck up, he just looked at him going like, this guy crushes a 12 pack while eating all right of french fries. I know he does. Okay? Why, you know, you know what he looked like? He looked like a guy, he looked like a convicted drunk driver trying to get his license back. Now you promised me you're not going to do this again. Yes, your honor. Absolutely. I've seen the error of my ways, you know, still all puffy. I'm fucking with you. I love Ben Rothlisberger, but seeing him in a suit, you know, he was, he was all grown up.

I'm proud of him. So my apologies to Atlanta Falcons and I'm not going to know anybody's fucking names. Okay? I don't know anybody's names. I know Julio Jones and I know Charmin, you know, Julio Jones made look, he made him look, I wouldn't, I would never say regular because Sherman is the shit. He made him look a little bit and I've never seen him do that because that guy still shuts down his part of the fucking field. All right? And he made him look kind of, you know, this guy's pretty good. He's got some pretty good footwork there. And also I thought he, when Camp Chancellor came up, well, he usually just fucking lays the fucking lumbar. Julio Jones dropped his shoulder, absorbed the shit. And dare I say, I'm not going to say he put Cam on his back,

but it was not an issue that Cam hit him. And that really surprised me. And I don't know. I don't know any of the fucking names. I'd say Atlanta's fucking running back, whatever the fuck his name is. The one who doesn't pretend to eat cereal whenever he fucking gets a few yards, that's the Cowboys one. He gets up, you know, you know, Jesus, you ever seen a guy campaign and harder to get a Lipton soup ab? You know, is that guy who used to be on the Giants and then did the show at that little cutie pie in the morning? And then for some reason left that show to be one of 19 with the guy who used to run fucking Clinton's campaign. Isn't George Stephanopoulos on a morning show right now? Like that guy's got to be like, what the fuck? What happened? 25 fucking years ago,

I was dealing with the Russians. I'm fucking sitting here on pancake Wednesday acting like I'm excited about this shit, sitting on this fucking couch. You know what the worst parts of those shows are is the way they decorate the coffee table. You know, I can't imagine trudging in there every fucking day to do that show. Like what fucking monkey suit are they putting you in today? You know, girls have to have their sassy, I'm a morning person, outfits, you know, the guys have to have that, you know, I'd show up and, you know, I'd turn the whole fucking paycheck over to you, wouldn't pull some Angela's ashes shit tea and go to the pub instead, they got to have that fucking look, you know what I mean? Why did straight hand leave that show

with that little cutie pie? What the fuck is her name? I saw once in real life, she's fucking smoking, smoking hot, right? And it was just the two of them. They had a great time, right? She'd come out on his shoulder like a parakeet, he'd do the monologue, she'd giggle along, and they had the whole fucking thing. It was just the two of them, just the two of them, making heaps of fucking cash, just the two of them. And then for some reason, he leaves that show, Michael Strahan, arguably one of the most successful people, you know, people look at Mark Cuban and they go, I mean, he's a guy, you know, he didn't have any fucking money, he starts some internet company, he makes a zillion dollars,

then he buys an NBA team, right? He starts to go bald, he gets the fucking hair plugs, he goes to Vegas, he's at a rave, you don't know where this guy's going, he's got his own fucking jet, everybody thinks this is the guy, this is the next fucking Bill Gates guy, he's on Shark Tank, okay? He's having people coming in who can barely afford the gas and they'll lawnmower and he's listening to their ideas and then owning them and then taking them and not giving in, you know, what guys like that do, right? I don't know why I'm picking on this guy, he's just funny to me, right? I don't know why I'm going with this. Everybody thinks he's the next Bill Gates and meanwhile, you got Michael Strahan, okay? Who came up from the hard streets

of somewhere, I don't know where he came from, but I know he's African-American, so I know his streets weren't soft, right? When was the last time you saw an African-American make it and they said that he did not come from hard streets, that he came from soft streets, you never see that, you do not, there are no soft streets on that side of the fucking fence, so he came from the hard streets, where are we going to put that guy, he doesn't seem like a New York guy, he seems like a Pennsylvania dude, I don't know where the fucking kid, the hard streets of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Allentown, I don't know where the fucking came from, whatever, he fucking makes it, okay? He becomes a fucking superstar, right? He deals with Tiki Barber and whatever the

fuck he was trying to do, you know, throwing the ball all over the carpet, retires early, they get him out of the way, goes into the Super Bowl, no, well, back up, fucking gets the sack record, right? You know, and his last one, of course, was the most impressive, which Brett Farve's run on that was the precursor to the butt fumble, it's the exact same body motion, except he didn't run into a giant offensive lineman's ass, he just came in and just sort of laid down, all right? Then if I remember correctly, where the fuck did they go? They went somewhere on the road and won, then they went into Green Bay and won, and they went into Dallas and won, I might have those two flip-flopped, and then they went to the Super Bowl, played the ATO to

England Patriots, and they fucking kicked the shit out of him on the offensive line, won on the last fucking play of the game, okay? And wins the fucking Super Bowl, then you think that's it, oh, now he goes in, oh, he's a broadcaster too, he's fucking killing it, ah, but you know, a lot of guys done that, howdy long, did it, Terry Bradshaw did it, fucking OJ Simpson did it, everybody fucking did it, right? That's just what you do, if you could actually fucking talk about the game, and you can put on a goddamn suit, then he does the unprecedented, okay? A visionary move that not even Mark Cuban could come up with, he decides that, you know what, I am the next logical choice to take over for fucking Regis Philbin,

right? I did a whole bit about Arnold Schwarzenegger one time, about all of his accomplishments, I would put, I would put straight hand right there, okay? And then he fucking, what does he do? What does he do? He gets, everything's going great, for whatever fucking reason, he decides to join the Partridge family on some other fucking morning show, it's going to be the same shit, standing around watching somebody cook something, right? Talking about how some fucking person just had their 105th birthday, why would you want to be over there with all of those fucking asshats, you know, all of those different personalities, you know, someone's going to be a cunt, right? You could have just stayed at your other show.

Have you ever heard somebody waste more time talking about something that nobody gives a fuck about in your life? I don't know what the hell that was. That was 10 minutes on Michael Strahan. All right, probably like six, but it felt like 50. So my apology to the dirty birds down in Atlanta, I apologize for disrespecting your team, I didn't realize how good you guys were, I wrote you guys off again at the beginning of the game when I heard you had the, you know, you scored the most points, but were the worst in the league in the red zone. I'm like, well, the game's over. The game's fucking over. So you run up a bunch of points during the regular season against 90% of the teams that are not going to make the playoffs. So that's

out the window. And then meanwhile, you couldn't stop 100% of these cunts in the red zone. Right there, that's a formula for disaster. And what did they do? They went out, they beat Seattle so bad, there wasn't one point during that game. I think on the first drive, I saw Pete Carroll one time went, and that was it. That was it. Oh man. I love Pete Carroll, man. He's a fucking great coach. You know, he was fucking pissed when they lost. Oh, he was fucking pissed. Can you imagine his family dog? He seems like he'd have a little want to just standing there quivering in the corner, Pete walking around with his ridiculously white brand new socks, walking across his carpeted floor. That's what he seems like to me, right? Has on his fucking Docker PJs.

That dog just got a little too close. You know, I don't understand why we didn't shut up down on defense and fucking thing goes flying into the fireplace. Anyways, he's probably a cat person. Who knows? And my apology to the Texans, the Houston Texans, who without JJ fucking Hawats and a rookie quarterback hung with the New England Patriots for three and a half fucking quarters. Yeah, I was not impressed with us. I don't think any Patriot fan was. We'll see. We'll see. I hope that's not. I think I'm just hoping our offensive line had a bad game. Everybody just had a bad fucking game. If you're going to have a bad game, you might as well do it against the team that's missing their best offensive player and has a brand new guy quarterback. So maybe we got away

with one. I have no fucking idea. All I know is we're playing Pittsburgh next week, and I have no fucking confidence in that, despite the fact Pittsburgh, you know, I don't know what they did. Like they, they, they kicked six field goals, which is essentially, you know, I don't know. If you just went on field goals, you might as well have somebody out there on like those figure skates, you know, dressed up like Yogi Bear or some shit. It was like some ice-capade shits, but they, they did it. You know, they beat Kansas City. I didn't see one second of the game. I watched the beginning of the Dallas Green Bay game. And then my wife wanted to go to the movies. So I took her to the movies and I'm like, all right, I'm recording this game. Let's record it. The fucking

Steelers, Kansas City game. I saw a hidden fucking figures. And then I came back, right? And I'm like, all right, you know, my wife's taken a bath. Everything's fucking cool. I go to pop on the Green Bay Dallas game and I didn't fucking record it. Let me say it again. I didn't fucking record it. It was, it sounded like an insane half. And I'm fucking hats off to that fucking dude, Crosby, who I'm telling you right now, that was some Adam Vinitieri shit. I never even seen Vinitieri hit that many 50 yarders in one fucking game. Forget about hitting one, getting iced, and then he's got to kick it again. The guy kicked like 200 yards in field goals in like four attempts or some shit like that. That's the kind of guy. That's the kind of guy right there. You give me a

fucking little drill. That's the kind of guy who won your championship right there because all you got fucking Aaron Rodgers, all he's got now all he's got to do is just get you close. An old twinkle toes comes running out with balls the size of the fucking stadium. He gives them the old right there, Fred, right there and open deep. Do you realize how much fucking ass he got after that game even in Dallas? You know those Dallas women with their fucking Botox and the same amount of makeup as an 80 year old who can't admit that she's old. You know they all came running out, right? Took their hats off, take them boots off. You know they all dropped her the knees and their designer fucking Jordans jeans. You ever been to Dallas? This day is so far behind in the

styles. You wouldn't even think that there's the internet anymore. They all dress like Dallas is still on TV, the TV show. I'm not saying they don't really do that, but the through line of that is still there. There's a lot of Larry Hagman in that city with a dash of dead JFK. That is Dallas and there's a lot of shiny fucking four door pickup trucks. You know I don't know who they're driven by, but you know I think you got to get on the outskirts to get to the Amaranches. They've got them longhorns walking and stomping around in the back. In my apologies to Meryl Streep evidently. Somebody had a hissy fit on the fucking Twitter telling me that I am a typical, what did he say? Postmodern cynic where I just criticize and I

offer no solutions, which is hilarious to me. It's like okay, so in your world Meryl Streep and myself should be coming up with problems, problem-solving things. I just took 20 of the guy back. I just thought I was a comedian making fun of shit. I didn't know I was a postmodern cynic. Some people, the level of credit that they give people who don't even watch the news is just fucking beyond me. I had to go to summer school every year of high school except sophomore year because my teacher hooked me up with a D minus and my senior year I just didn't give a fuck and didn't go. You know what are you going to do? I'm done. It's over. I'm a loser, all right? I am on my way to Applebee's to wash dishes. Thank you very much.

All right, so I know way too much football. How about some hockey? Just one quick mention. All right. Did anybody see Adam McQuade's fight when they fucking against Nashville? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I don't know the name of the guy he fought, but that guy's got fucking balls bigger than my giant head. Anybody's got the balls to drop the gloves. I'm not shitting on the guy. Just Adam McQuade, that fucking guy can fight. He was like, well, guys, well, guys, well, guys, and then the guy ducked down and he fucking didn't. I thought it was an uppercut. Then when I watched in slow motion, I think it might have been a hook. I don't know. It just reminded me in a very, very junior way of when Clark Gillies fucking broke that guy's face.

He was pounding this guy so bad the guy just ducked down and right as he ducked down, Gillies just went uppercut and his fist was big enough to cover the guy's whole face. It was like he punched a glass coffee table and this guy just went straight down like when they pull a building. The first time I noticed that guy could fight was he beat the fuck out of Ralphie Torres when he was playing with Phoenix coyotes. I'll have links to those fights, but that's our, I guess he is our enforcer now. And what's great is he's a fucking unbelievable defenseman too. So that's it. Celtics, what are we doing? We're doing what we always do. We beat the pretenders and we can't beat the contenders. That's our deal and enough sports. All right. Let me,

should I read a little bit of advertising for you? But I have to apologize to Meryl Streep, because I guess I preach also on my podcast, which is the same as hijacking an award show, right? Did Meryl Streep once say, hey, I'm a fucking moron, what do I know? I don't think she did. All right. Oh, Billy Streep. In the Berging, in the keuken, even in the living, they're really lying everywhere, the empty batteries. But now we're going to the finish. Bring them to a B-BAT summary point quickly. You always find one in your neighborhood on B-BAT.be. B-BAT. Together, take risks, better for nature and for all of us. Campaign in cooperation with the OVAM. Okay. Here we go. Let's read a little. Oh, Jesus. Here we go, man. Up, up, up.

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I love muscle cars like any other red blood American, you know, any red blood American. I like those fucking cars, but every fucking, what's the same thing? We got some Mopar power coming up. Of course you do. Oh, really? Does it have a hammy? Is that a Shelby? It's the same, and what it basically is, is that it's the same fucking, like 20 muscle cars. 20 muscle cars. What are you going to have? What are you going to have? You know what you're going to have. You're going to have a Shelby Mustang. You're going to have the tri-powered fucking Corvette. Right? You're going to have the fucking, you're going to have a GTO. You're going to have a fucking, all that Mopar fucking hammy shit that I never got into. I was

never a Chrysler Dodge guy, Plymouth guy. I like the Barracuda. All right. They're going to have a fucking Challenger. They're going to have a Charger. They're going to have a Super B. They're going to have the fucking, whatever that Z28 was that they only made fucking 10 of them. They're going to have one of those. It's the same fucking cars over and over again. And meanwhile, here's my question. Where the fuck are all the trucks? Do you know where the fuck are all the trucks? Occasionally, a truck will come across. Trucks are cool as shit. And where's all those great old man gangster cars? You know, like the fucking, my favorite one of all time, the 1967 Cadillac El Dorado. That fucking car, it just go fuck yourself. I love that fucking car.

That's the kind of car, you know what I mean? That you drive when you're either post-divorced or you were smart enough never to get married. Okay. And you're successful and you're just fucking driving around and you got, you got, you got, you got a stable of bitches and you know, they don't give a fuck about you. You don't give a fuck about them. Yeah, they pay girlfriends. That's the fucking car you have. You know, and this is the thing. And rather than secretly being lonely and empty inside, you're actually fulfilled because you own that car. You are the closest thing to the most interesting man in the world. You know, that's state thirsty, my friends. You ever seen a woman in his life? You see women, women in his fucking life. You know what I mean? You never see

him at a fucking dance recital with his fucking rug rats. Anyways, I fucking love that car. I'm the most gangster fucking car. And then I also like the 65 Jesus Christ with the clamp shelf fucking open the headlights there, Buick Riviera. Okay. And at some point, that might be my next car. I drive the Jag into the ground. By the way, I sold my Prius today. Had that fucker for nine years, man. It's great. I never did that before. I never sold it to just a person. I always traded them in. And this time I actually sold it to a person, got the title, did the whole thing. Felt like Richard Rawlings, you know? What does he say when he says, wow, get yourself some of that, right? Except it was a Prius and I didn't build it. Other than that,

I was just like him. Speaking of which, the debut of Gas Monkey Garages tonight and rumor has it that the bearded wonder, Aaron is leaving the fucking show, which is, you know, that's like Eddie Van Halen leaving Van Halen or David Lee Roth leaving. I mean, it's, it's, I am, you know, there's a lot of, I'm interested to see what they do with this one. How are you going to, how are you going to make up for that guy? Jesus Christ. But I'll be tuning in. I'll be tuning in because that's, that's all the shows out there. That's the best one out there. And there's so many shows that rip that fucking show off and try to capture that formula. That's the best one out there. And I love the shit that they build. Speaking of trucks last season,

they were saying, you know what? We're all truck guys. We're all truck guys. And I'm yelling at the TV, well then fucking make some more trucks. I remember that they made that one for Casey. They can count it on one hand. They made the one for Casey. They made that, they made this Chevy, especially if you get those ones that had the two-tone taint, two-tone taint. Jesus Christ, two-tone paint. I don't even, if I can finish this idea, two-tone taint. You know what that is? That's your taint is the normal, your normal flesh color. And somebody tries to kick you in the balls from behind and they miss and you get a black and blue mark on part of your taint. Then what you have is a two-tone taint. All right, two-tone paint.

And they did last year, what did they do? They did a, like a 1948 or 49 Chevrolet and they just went all out with the fucking thing. And it was, it was absolutely fucking, it was, it was, it was just amazing. It's amazing what they do in that show. And I wish I had their skills. Who knows, someday, maybe someday I'll fucking have the time to find a fucking 67 Cadillac El Dorado, drag that fucker out of somebody's backyard and have somebody like that build the thing for me. I'm one of those guys too. I would drive it. I saw one on, I hate people get those fucking cars and they don't drive them. I got one for you if you want to look this up right now. All right, look up 1965 Cadillac El Dorado, $45,000. This fucking guy, he's got the best looking one I think

I've ever seen. It has like, somebody did a whole body off restoration on it. It has like fucking 33 miles. He got it when it had like seven miles on it and then now he's selling it with 33 and it's just like, why would you, I would drive that fucking thing to 200,000 miles. Unbelievable fucking car. But the only part, I will warn you when you watch that video, when he starts caressing the leather inside the car, it gets a little creepy. I had to fast forward through it. He was like, look at that. That's the fine Italian leather. Oh yeah. He didn't get that bad, but it got pretty bad. But this fucking guy has got a bunch of them. Supersportmotors.com. At least he did as of, I guess, two years ago, two and a half years ago, whenever you put this fucking video out.

But if I was going to buy one, I would buy one off of this guy. Holy fucking shit. He's got some beautiful cars, beautiful Cadillacs. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. I think maybe it's time to, maybe it's time to do a little, oh, Trump gets sworn in this week. He gets fucking sworn in. And I would feel so much better about that guy. It's not the racist people that he's putting in there as unsettling as that is. I mean, everybody's fucking racist. Well, that's not true. There's different degrees of it, but everybody has it. Even people who are victims of it, they have it. You look at another group of people, everybody's done that. You look at a group of people, you think something like, oh, it's like this. And then you go over there. Oh, it's actually

like that. Wow. Why did I think that? And it all was in your fucking head. I got to do a bit about this. I was driving down the street the other day, but I do a bit of, right? Driving down the street and I see this group of young kids, like school just let out, right? This is not a good sign right here. I'm driving by a school, right? When the school got out and I'm caressing my leather. No, I'm driving on the street and these kids are all outside like, it's right around the corner from where I'm playing drums. Here's my alibi. I swear to God, I was playing drums around the corner. And it's one of those stores that sells like, you know, all the fucking snacks and shit that you eat afterwards and you get all fucking wired. So I'm driving by there and usually I get

fucking annoyed because the kids are fucking walking across the street. They're not looking both ways and all that shit. And then it takes me forever to make a fucking left or right hand turn. Well, this day they were all up on the sidewalk and I saw this movement. I kind of glanced over and none of the kids were white. And when I saw this action, I thought I was watching somebody getting the shit kicked out of them, potentially getting beaten into a gang. That's what my brain told me I was watching. When I looked closer, there was like seven kids standing around one kid looking at a fucking smartphone and then some other kids just sort of fucking, you know, doing whatever running around in the background. Then I was thinking, why the fuck did I just

think that? You know? So before you fucking call all these assholes, all these racist assholes, you know, you got to get that shit out of your head. I was thinking, why the fuck did I think that part of that is from the shit that I see on TV, right? I think your brain just goes, once it gets stuffed out, like how to make cereal, it just gets it down. Like, okay, just grab this fucking, put this in here, and then you go fucking cereal, you know? It connects from one, I went vision to this, this, this, and it's like a mode of like survival, which works. But in that instant, that didn't work, did it? I went from that to a couple of fucking ice cube videos, whatever, gangster rap videos are in my head, shit that I saw in the news, right? I can't say there was fear,

there was no fear. I was just driving down the street and I looked and that's what I thought, you know? But I kind of do that all the time. You know, I read a kid's book to my unborn daughter last night, right? It's supposed to make him smarter, right? And I was reading this kid's book and halfway through the book, I realized I didn't, I had no fucking idea what it was about. So maybe I'm just a moron. I have no idea, but seeing how what a flawed fucking person I am, I can't judge, I can only judge people so fucking harshly, right? Honestly. I mean, I can trash a fucking Meryl Streep, I can go off on a dumb Trump, but at the end of the day, I'm a fucking lunatic, right? I read a kid's book and I couldn't figure out what it was about.

It was about this fucking caterpillar, all right? And they were like, on day one, it ate an apple. On day two, it ate two pears. On day three, it ate fucking three plumps, right? So right there, I'm like, all right, this is like reverse Christmas story, rather than going like seven swans are swimming six geese are laying. It fucking starts with the fucking tree, the partridge in the pear tree. Now it's moving up. And it seems to me like it's about eating healthy and food and counting. And then it gets up to like 12 or something. And then, and the thing just completely abandons its fruit diet. And instead it had a fucking couple slices of pizza and ice cream and all this shit. And then a big stomach ache. So then I was like, all right, this is about childhood obesity.

And I actually lied in that and never dawned on me that it was about counting. And Neil was like, I finished the book, the thing turned into a butterfly. And I said, I said the end. And I looked at me and I said, I have no idea what that fucking book was about. She laughed. She goes, it's about counting. I go, it's not about not eating junk food, because it ate all that fruit and everything was fine. And then it ate all that other shit. And then it got sick. And she was like crying, laughing at me. I don't know what that has to do with Trump, but I really wish that idiot would get off of fucking Twitter. But he's a fucking mess. He said about China, it's time to take the gloves off. He he's doing that George Bush thing where you talk about other

countries like you're trying to psych somebody out before a bar fight. And nothing gets people more excited. You know what, that gets morons excited like, yeah, let's have some tough talk, right? You fucking idiots. He's like trash in SNL because they're doing sketches about him. It's just like, I don't, I don't, I don't, he cannot be running his Twitter account. There's no way he's this fucking sensitive. Or it has the time to do this. Shouldn't he be addressing it? My worst fear is that he's going to become president and just deregulate everything so he can build a golf course wherever the fuck he wants to. Like that's really, that's his idea of making it great again. I hope I'm fucking wrong. I have no idea. Having said all that, still as much as he's a nightmare,

unbelievably, unbelievable joy watching Hillary lose. Oh, I love to see, yeah, pack your bags. Okay. Pack your bags. They are fucking, yeah, I'm going to say it. All right, let's, let's, let's continue on. All right, let's, uh, I'm off the fucking rails here. All right, 42 minutes in. Can we, uh, can we read these last two advertising? I'll do your questions for the week. All right, Helix, Helix. Hey, by the way, why don't you guys send those in? Send in your, I looked at this, thought it was this way, and then it was another way, but nobody heard me say it. So everybody thinks I'm a great guy. And that goes for non-whities too. Cause I know you're looking at us or some other group of people, Koreans or some shit or whatever. You know,

I know you're thinking something. All right, Helix, Helix. All right, you're unique. And I actually, you know, as much as I'm, I'm not really joking around about this shit, but I think that people have to be able to say that they have those fucking thoughts. I mean, this fucking, uh, progressive left thing where you have to act like you're just walking around going, I don't see color. I don't care if you're black, white, green or purple. And it's all of those, all of that fucking, uh, sing songy horseshit. Um, even those people, even those people, like you get them in the wrong situation and the fear comes up. They're going to think something fucked up. They're going to, um, all right. So if you have any of those stories, I want to hear,

I want to hear, and then I'll try to, I'll try to guess why you think that way. Okay. So I'm guessing with mine, it's, uh, the news and all the gangster rap videos that I used to watch. And I'm, I'm old. So that was back when you could actually have a gun in the video. And then also, I think I've watched too many of those life on the inside prison things. You know what I mean? All of those things where you just look at it and go and like, I would last 15 seconds in there. I've watched all those ones about gangs. I've watched the ones about motorcycle gangs. It's probably my, uh, my intake of, of, of television and YouTube videos. I watch videos of people, sucker punching people, um, bully fails. I watch a lot of violence. Yeah, that's it. Maybe that's what it is. All right.

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Stamps.com is the better way to get postage. Just use what you already have, your computer, your printer, and your fucking fingers to get official US postage for any package or letter, then the mailman picks it up. The mailman. Everything you would do at the post office, you could do right from your desk and at a fraction of the cost of one of those expensive postage meters. I use Stamps.com so whenever I send out my posters, you know, whenever I'm whoring myself out at the end of the show, you know, and I want to fucking shake hands that have been sneezed into. Right now, sign up for Stamps.com and use my promo code BRR for this special offer, four week trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a post, including postage

and digital stale. Scale. Go to Stamps.com before you do anything else. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in BRR, that's Stamps.com, enter BRR. All right, that is it. All right, let's read some of the questions here for the week and then I can get the fuck out. All right, team relocating. Dear Billy Brady balls, my NFL team I've rooted for over 20 years is moving to LA, parentheses, chargers. What team should I root for? Patriots are out of the question. Thanks and fuck the Spanos family. First of all, my condolences. I remember Jesus almost 25 years ago when Robert Kraft first bought the team and he was threatened at some point, maybe it was in the year 2000, somewhere around then,

he was fucking threatening to move the team to Hartford if he didn't get his own stadium and shit. And that really is one of the biggest, you know, fuckovers by all of these sports leagues that they get the cities that we have to pay for their fucking stadium. That's a time when you need a union. If you could just have a somehow have a union of all sports fans and be like, no, you fucking pay for it. You fucking pay for a new stadium, you cunt. You know what I mean? I go to the ice cream store to have to buy a new fucking store. When they want a new store, they pay for it. But the money they made off of ice cream, like how much money do you have to make? Do you know when I was in fucking Indianapolis? Those poor bastards that live out there,

I don't know if this is still the case, but when I went out there, when they were putting that Lucas oil field deal together, when they were already paying for that, they still had not paid off the RCA dome or the Hoosier dome, whatever the fuck they called it. They were still paying for that other one. And this fucking cunt made them buy another one. Having said that, I guess I can't get mad at the Spanos family if everybody else is getting a new stadium and he wasn't able to blackmail San Diego. You know what? Good for you, San Diego. Fuck him. You want a new stadium? Why don't you pack your bags up and get the fuck out of here? But you guys also kind of fucked up the way Cleveland did. You can't buy one team a stadium

and then tell the other guys to go fuck themselves. That's like in Cleveland when they, the Jake got built. And then whatever his fucking name was, the fuck was that guy's name? Everybody in Cleveland screaming it right now. Who sounded exactly like George C. Scott. Exact same voice. Yeah, he wanted a stadium. They were like, yeah, fuck you. You can stay in that absolute fucking shithole. And he left. Say it. It's not personal. It's just business. Why can't I keep thinking Goodell? I'm a Patriots fan. That's all I think when I think of a fucking asshole. I just think Roger Goodell. Yeah, that sucks, man. So who should you vote for? You know what I do? I would say fuck the NFL. If the Patriots ever left, I would just say fuck the NFL. I would

be done with it and I would just pick a college team. College football is the shit. You know, even though the athletes, college sports are great, but the athletes get fucked over that they don't get paid. The fact that they sell at $100,000 stadium and then fucking idiots. It's always non-athletic people who say this go, oh, they get a free education. Oh, do they? Like they have time to fucking go to class. You're majoring in football. There's too much money at stake and all the nerds that don't like the jocks at the college level, it's like if it wasn't for that football program, you would be going to science class in a fucking tent. 100,000 people are not going to show up to watch you look through a microscope. Don't ever forget that. All right.

So why don't you fucking put on your lab coat and go figure out how to make a better football cleat? Oh, Jesus, Bill. There was no reason to go that hard, was there? Can't we have respect for all of the arts? Meryl Streep doesn't, she doesn't respect mixed martial arts. Hey, Meryl, why don't you tell us what the arts are? Jesus Christ, just because there's not a symphony behind it. You never listen to watch NFL film, that's art. The music they put behind it. All right, movie foods, videos. Hey there, Billy Egg whites. Saw this guy's videos on YouTube. He makes food from different famous movies. Oh, that's pretty cool. In this one, he makes the big kahuna burger from Pulp Fiction, which is pretty basic, but in others, he does some cool shit

from chef, one of my favorite movies in the last few years. In Acha, the cartoon. I highly recommend checking a few of them out. He makes a couple of sandwiches that would give your grill top some great use. Ah, dude, that's awesome. Thank you. Look at that. No question, just great information. I guess I never tell you guys, you can also do that. That's fucking cool as hell. I will definitely check that out. I have been cooking up a fucking storm, you know, because we can't really go anywhere. Every once in a while, take me out to the movies, which this weekend, this past week, I saw Moonlight and I saw Hidden Figures. And I really liked both for different hidden figures, big Hollywood movie, you know, totally did the job. It was great. And then I saw Moonlight,

which was also great. And my favorite part of that fucking movie, no, I'm not ruining it. No spoiler alert. Other, unless you're into cars, which was annoying was this, this one part where they're showing the main character and they're not showing his fucking car, but you can tell it's a nice car. I wanted to see the car and then they finally showed it. That was, I believe it was an 83 to 87 Osmobile Cutlass. And those were those great two doors that they had in the fucking 80s. There was, you know, the Osmobile Cutlass, the fucking Chevy Monte Carlo and the Buick Regal, those fucking cars are the shit. And I know a lot of those Southern guys redo them when they put the big tires on them. I don't like the big tires on them, but that's another one. That's sort of

the poor man's fucking El Dorado. But I love those. And some of the funniest, like guys I knew when I was growing up had those fucking cars. Just anybody who had a car like that was a fucking was a good shit, as they say in Massachusetts, you know, and slash a little bit shady, probably dealing a little bit of weed, maybe had a fight last night. Those are all those guys, they go into a bar and within 10 minutes they eyeballing somebody and then they got to take their chain off because they're going to get into a fight. Remember that in the 80s? They would take your fucking chain off with dog in tonight. I think the chain's coming back. I think it's making a comeback. Anyways, really enjoyed both of those movies. Moonlight, I really fucking, that was,

classic just independent movie where it was like, it didn't fucking lead you around to the, by the nose, like, and here's the next one. And here's the next point, and here's the next plot point. Really good movie. All right. Putin, Russian hacking. All right, this guy's writing about Russian hacking and he started, look, it's how we started. This guy started his fucking, he just started his fucking, his email to me with, look, he's already wagging his finger at me. Jesus Christ, dude, relax. He says, look, international politics between two countries with enough nukes to destroy the earth 10 times over is no laughing matter. Oh, am I not supposed to joke about it? How come you aren't all over this orange clown? All right, I don't understand

with this. Do you want jokes about it? Sure, Clinton was no prize, but you're willing to give Putin and an out and out gangster a pass? Well, I don't remember him running for president of the United States. What are you talking about? What kind of world is going to be there for your new child? Oh, shut the fuck up. I fucking hate when people, what kind of world is going to be there for your kid? The same world that was there when I was a kid, progressively getting worse. Like what is your fucking solution? There's no solution to this shit. You got seven billion people all running in fucking 200 million different directions. It's a shit show. All right, the second we weren't one tribe, it was over. It's over. Second there was two tribes, it was fucking

over. Whenever we started out, right? Let's just say that I don't subscribe that there was a fucking and Adam and Eve. I think there was a pond and there was a bunch of us that came out of something. According to Neil deGrasse Tyson, it was the fucking trees. Other people say it was the fucking ocean. Whatever the fuck it was, there was a bunch of you can't have a man and a woman banging and then their kids fucking without having major problems. All right. Well, maybe that's why cavemen look like they did. I have no idea. But whenever we all weren't sort of cohabitatin together, but you know what happened is then as we came along, there was no language. It was just all that shit. Of course, it was going to be fucking arguments. Everybody grunting and groaning.

You know, I have no idea. Like we were fucked. This thing was fucked from day one. Okay. And I've gone down the rabbit hole of trying to fucking give a shit and trying to, you know, I don't know, get people to listen to my opinion, which probably has 0.1% of 1% of the information that I need to actually make an even remotely informed opinion. You know what I mean? Look at all those guys on TV who do it for a fucking living from Bill Maher to Bill O'Reilly. Okay. Even those guys, as much as they pay attention, are severely handicapped by the fact that they cannot look at top secret documents to kind of, you know, connect the dots. All you can do is watch the fucking news, read newspapers and try to figure out which one seems to be sort of

making sense with what the fuck you're thinking. That's the best you can do, sir. So I don't know what you want from me, but I'll continue reading this. This isn't like telling jokes to a few millennials in a strip mall. It's not funny that Trump and his swamp full of white racist rich men are robbing us blind. I agree with that. But you realize that Hillary Clinton in 2008 after the banks went under, went and gave them a speech and said, don't worry, I got you guys. Those aren't those the same rich racist white people? You know, isn't that the same upper 1% you know that you're talking about here? Just saying they are, you know, by the way, that the upper 1%, no matter who wins, they win. You understand that, right? The job pays 500 grand a

year. It takes 100 million to get. Okay. And then they owe these cunts favors that got them in office. They push it through. They deregulate stuff. They looks the other way. They grant them government contracts, all of that shit. And then once they're done being president, you'll watch with Obama. He's going to make a fuckload of money going around air quote, giving speeches, 200, 300 grand a night to the exact same fucking people that put them in office. That's just them washing their bribe money. People with blue ties, red ties, red panties, blue panties, they all fucking do it except for Jimmy Carter. As far as I can tell, he stopped being president and started going around building houses for poor people. Everybody else sits around waiting for

their fucking library to be built. Oh, my soapbox. Give me a golden globe. All right. Just saying they are both bad is really dropping the ball. No, it isn't. You have your head in the fucking sand. That's what it is. You just have your head in the fucking sand. I'm from New Jersey and know several small contractors who were shorted by Trump and couldn't afford to sue. Right. And I worked at Atlantic city and he had a couple of casinos go under and they got paid dimes on the dollar. I know how that works. He's a real asshole that doesn't give a shit about the little guy. He's got the track record. Okay. Okay. And you're saying Hillary Clinton gives a shit about the little guy. Hillary Clinton who only swings by the little guy

whenever she needs votes and spends the rest of the time on fucking Martha's vineyard in her zillion fucking house that she can somehow afford when her husband has only made fucking at the most 500 grand a year. She got paid as a center. What does that make 175 grand a year? They're making less money than some of the fucking top comedians in the fucking world. Yet there were $200 million. How do you do that? How do you do that? Legally, sir. Tell me. Tell me how you do that. Because you're fucking crooked. All right. So there you go. And here's the thing about Russia spying on us. Fucking relax. We're doing it to them too. Jesus Christ. They've shot our planes out of the sky. I was spying on them. We spy on each other. Apps of fucking Lutely.

You know, that's what we do. Every fucking thing that they're doing, we're doing. They're fucking with elections. We fuck with elections. They're fucking with people in power, putting people in power that shouldn't be in power. We do that. They invade countries. We invade countries. They think they're right. We think we're right. At the end of the day, there's you and me sitting in fucking Russia, regular fucking people. All right. That's it. It's just the people up top that get you all fucking stirred up. You know, I'm telling you, they get you all fucking stay gonna get you. They're gonna do this. They can fucking do that. I don't listen to any of it. I don't. I just sit and I drink scotch and I drink myself into a stupor

and I stare at the wall, you know, and I try to figure out why I looked at three non-white kids looking at an iPhone and felt that someone was getting beaten into a gang. When I solve that first, then I'm going to move on to trying to solve the world problems. When I follow, when I solve the problems in the fucking globe that is my giant fucking head, I'll move on to that. And you, sir, if you're really looking for somebody to solve the world problems, you should probably look beyond a comedian doing a podcast where he says, cunt every other word and also says how uninformed he is. Okay. So, you know, there you go. Agree to disagree. But, you know, if you want Meryl Streep and fucking old fucking Billy freckled

hands to solve the world's problems, I think you're in trouble. Anybody can give the lip service and be like, I think that's absolutely deplorable. I didn't vote for the fucking guy. Stop wagging your finger at me. All right. All right. Plants in the house. Hey, there, Billy Ficus. I want you to know how, I want to know how you feel about having plants in the house. Growing up, we always had plants and cacti in our house. I think they bring a lot of life and color to a room and it's fun to water and take care of them. I know some people who would never have any plants saying that they bring dirt and bugs in the house. I tell them that it's because they don't take care and maintain them. You could say the same thing about a dog saying they

shouldn't bring fleas into the house, but obviously that's due to neglecting and taking care of the dog. So do you have any plants in your home? Do you have any in your home now? Oh, do you like having plants in your home? Do you have any home plants in your home now? PS is a total NFL bandwagon fan. I'm calling Green Bay to win it all. All right. No, I don't like plants in the house. I had a plant in my house one time a long time ago when I was a complete loner and my apartment looked like I was in the witness protection program. I was seeing this woman and she got me a plant and immediately I was just like, whoa, hey, this relationship is moving too fast. And what she was trying to do was to get me to open up. And I remember she got me this plant and

then I had to fucking water it. And I kind of liked it. But then I'd go on the road and I would come back and it would be near death. Just like, you know, hanging down, you know, staring at its fucking toes. And then I would nurse it back to fucking health. And I would end up having anxiety. And then one day it finally died and I felt this just ridiculous failure. And it was a metaphor for the whole fact you're on the road so much you can't sustain relationships. You can't even keep a plant alive. How are you going to keep a relationship or a kid alive? It was a horrible fucking experience. So I don't mind having it in my house if they're like growing like basil or fucking rosemary or some shit, something I can eat. You know, I'm selfish when it comes to

plants. Like we got a bunch of plants around the house. I don't give a fuck about them. I'm like, Nia, why don't we dig these up and put in some fucking avocado trees, some oranges, you know, something that we can eat slash throw at zombies someday. What do you say? Plus having trees that grow fruit in your yard is a great way to figure out who's your friend and who isn't your friend. Especially during the apocalypse when people come over your fence and try to steal your food, they'll go to the food like moths to a light and then you can be on your roof and you can pick them off with your fucking with whatever fucking weapon you have, right? I'd go with the bow and arrow. It's nice and quiet right to the neck. It was the water. That was the water. I mean,

the blood gushing out of their fucking with the fuck, whatever you call it, the fucking artery there. All right, plants in the house. I already read that one. Here's the last one. Hey, Billy, bitch tits. Jesus. I'm a lady and I listen to your podcasts religiously. I'm 29 years old and I've had roommates since I moved out of my parents' house when I was 18. I have a history of anxiety and depression. I found that in addition to taking medicine, living with people really keeps me in check. In two weeks, I'm going to be moving into my own apartment and living by myself with my dog. Oh, that's fucking awesome. That's the best. I love living alone. If I had a dog too, that would have been tremendous. Of course, it would have died like the fucking plant. Right now, I live with

two guys. The three of us are super close, but we've lived together for three years and it's time for us to move out of the frat house and into our own places. I'm nervous about living by myself because I'm scared that I'm going to isolate myself and fall back into a cycle of depression again. I live in Indy, so the weather is shit right now, which doesn't help. In the spring and summer, I play intramural sports, football and volleyball. I'm very much a guy's girl and I don't have very many girlfriends. I don't ever have a lady's night. I'd rather sit at a bar with a beer and watch football or college basketball. I hate dating. I am straight though. To gay people hate dating, I don't know. I would love to get your advice for a lady like me moving in her own apartment for

the very first time. What would you suggest I do to stay social and not sit at home alone watching the Indiana Hoosiers and Downing Coors Light? P.S. tell me I said hi and best of luck to you and me on the new baby. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Oh boy, you're asking a fucking loner. I loved when I finally didn't have to have roommates and I lived alone. I fucking loved it. I loved it. I talked to myself. I talked to the TV. I had a great fucking time and I guess I was, I had a level of depression there that I wasn't really aware of. Well, don't you get enough sort of interaction when in the springtime you play intramural sports football and volleyball? Okay, so it's the winter time. I don't know. You want to go sledding? I'm trying to think what the fuck you can do. Is there

an adult league snowball fight thing you can get involved in? There's got to be something that you could do. Well, if you're into sports, why don't you just join a fantasy league with some of your friends? But I think what you are is, I think you're a sweetheart and you're a relationship person. You're just afraid to do it. So that's why you like having roommates. You don't like being alone. I'm totally guessing you by the way. I don't fucking know you, but I think it's time to give Dayton a try. I would do that. Maybe you're afraid of doing that. I think this seems like you need to face a fear and look at this living alone as an opportunity thing and that this is the next logical step to finding the person you want to be with in life, if that's what you're

looking for. So I would embrace living alone and how fucking awesome that is and decorate your apartment. Don't do what I did, you know, have some color in there and all that type of shit, something upbeat. And I would become social. I would have people over to your place. If I don't know if you cook, this is a zillion things you could do. You just have to make the effort. I don't know why you don't have many girlfriends, but it sounds like you do have some girlfriends. So you only need a couple of friends. I would open up to your friends rather than some psycho on a podcast. Not saying this was a bad move, but it's a nice step. I would open up to them, just say, listen, I'm prone to depression. So I'm worried that when I live alone, that I'm going to become

depressed. You know, if you'd like to swing by and watch a game with me, blah, blah, blah, blah, I would do that. I would be open and honest and maybe go talk to somebody about your depression. So you don't go down that fucking rabbit hole, but it's great that you know that you're depressed and that you need to do something about it so that you're way ahead of the game as opposed to where I was, where I didn't know I was depressed. And I fucking, I don't know, it made a lot of stupid fucking moves for a long time. All right, that's the podcast for this week. Thank you so much for listening. And I'll post that video of that Cadillac El Dorado. It's fucking beautiful. All right, go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you on Thursday.